Vampfather (2022) - full transcript

Reeling from a family tragedy, a beautiful vampire who dreams of becoming human must unmask a deranged killer before the blame falls on her.

[ominous music]

[narrator] Vampires
are things of legend.

Problem with legends
is they do not die.

Whether you believe
in the vampire or not,

the vampire does not care.

If the vampire is hungry,
any throat will do.

[sinuous, percussive music]

And after you are sucked
bone dry,

the vampire disappears,
and the legend continues.

[unsettling musical flourish]

[gentle piano music]



You are taking forever.

A camel would've been quicker.

[sighs]
So where are you from?

Transylvania.

Can't you tell?

[gentle piano music continues]

[insects chirping, door opens]

[door thuds]

[vampire growls]

The teeth, darling, the teeth.

[vampire hisses]

[♪♪]

Hey, what about paying me?

Be happy you got away
with your life.



[driver] So not even
like a little suckle?

[dramatic music]

[thunder cracking]

[gentle piano music]

[insects chirrup]

[wolf howls]

[owl hoots]

[thunder cracking]

[dark, eerie music]

[ghostly voice whispering
in indistinct language]

[haunting music]

[creaking]

[dramatic musical flourish]

[knocking]

[banging]

[doors creak]

[clock creaks]

[haunting music]

Father, you didn't answer,
so I let myself in.

[thunder rumbles]

Yes, I can see.

[female vampire]
So, you heard?

Yes.

[female vampire]
Why didn't you answer the door?

I have to save my energy.

I have very little left.

I know.

Nice to see you, though,
even though...

[banging]

[tense music]

Stay put.

[ghostly screaming]

[quiet ominous music]

Vampfather.

[hisses]
Brandusa.

[growls]

[thunder rumbles]

[tense, eerie music]

Brandusa, Grigore,
nice to see you both.

You're looking well, Vampfather,

under the circumstances.

[tense music]

Sit.

[soft, eerie music]

[bats screeching]

Brandusa, Daciana,
Grigore, been a while.

Sorry I'm late.

One more minute and I
would have met my fate.

Finally,
after all these years,

you learn to open the door
by yourselves.

There's promise
for your development.

Too bad your development
is coming to a mortal end.

We are immortal.

We've been around
for 6,000 years.

Granddaughter, you've
always been the feisty one.

[huffs]

There's no blood to feast.

I'm starving.

[vampires growling]

[swirling music]

Your second cousin Grigore
needs the most blood.

He comes form the older tribe.

Your sister Daciana needs
the least blood,

but is the weakest.

Nicolae, my good nephew,
has the mutation

where he can temporarily
survive on bat blood.

But all our strengths and
weaknesses befall us tonight.

[dark, suspenseful music]

The blood of man has become
too pure with virtue.

Our hopes of man falling prey
to the evil side

dissolved with the free choice

of kindness and selfless love.

We are the last of the vampire.

All our species are gone,
but for us remaining.

[dramatic music]

[vampires chant
in indistinct language]

[liquid dripping]

[music intensifying]

[thunder rumbles]

We have survived thousands
of years

to be outsmarted by mortal man.

Fuckers!

Just one last bite.

It would kill you instantly.

But I'm so hungry.

Me, too.

[dark music]

I have a farewell gift
for all of you.

[chest lid creaks]

[ominous choral music]

[Vampfather sighs]

Now...

you will plunge the stake

in the bullseye middle
of your heart.

Carefully, do not miss
the point,

or the pain will be worse
than the death.

Not my idea of a holiday.

Is there no other way?

[echoes] No.

[Grigore growls]

It makes me wanna do
something bad!

[growls]

That's all we've done
for thousands of years--bad.

Something forbidden
in the vampire codes.

Like what?

No, children!

You shall go out with honor.

It's the only sensible thing
to do.

You only have hours,
a day or two,

before you die of starvation.

This...

is the way.

[dramatic music]

Pity.

The treasure trove
goes to waste.

[sighs]

What treasure?

The Nazi plunder taken
from the Jews.

What about it?

I've kept it secret
since the war's end.

[whooshing music]

What good are sparkles
and glitz going to do me now

that I am going to be dead?

[Daciana] Now I'm interested.

Embarrassed to admit I was
getting soft for the Jews.

I don't care
about the fucking Nazis,

other than their blood
was spicy.

But I was finding myself
softened for the Jews.

Those heartless Gestapos.

Not that we are merciful,

but we kill to live,

and those Nazis wasted
good blood for sport.

Well?

In the castle of Wewelsburg,

I had myself a nice feast
of some Nazi throats.

[sighs]

But before I killed them all,

I heard Heinrich Himmler talk

of the looted treasures
from the murdered Jews.

And you know
where this treasure is?

[laughs]

Of course I do.

Even the worst of beasts
will spill

their hearts out just
to live one more breath.

Transylvania?

Yes.

In the canyon of caves
beyond the graves,

before the burnt forest,

seven kilometers southeast.

[ominous music]

What are you writing?

Just in case the descendants
want to find it.

Hm.
Since when do you care
for the human?

Lots change when one
is thinking their last.

[creaking]

You stared at that note
for an awful long time, Grigore.

[Grigore hisses]

[Grigore growls]

Put your teeth away.

I'm your cousin,
for fuck's sakes.

[Grigore]
No need to take chances.

It's been hidden
for all these years.

Let it remain so.

Stop!

I've listened to you quarrel
about earthly monies.

Have you learned nothing
about worthless trinkets?

[staff thuds]

It's time!

[dramatic music]

Who will be the first?

[dark music]

Oh, good, Grigore.

You are brave
and an honor to our species.

[dark music]

I'd bite her neck, if I could.

To die in vampire sin.

I'm aroused.

[growls]
Stop!

How dare you!

[thunder rumbles]

Now, Brandusa and Grigore

have withered into shame,

I again ask, who will be
the first to die honorably?

[dramatic music]

Ah, yes, Nicolae.

Of course.

Not as you wish, Vampfather.

The will to live is much
stronger than any code of honor.

I propose, whoever can drink
the other's blood, do so.

[vampires growl]

[Vampfather sighs]

[dark, eerie music]

Yes, how inviting.

Nice knowing you all.

We had a good run at it.

It's been 6,000 years.

[growls]

When you feel the bite
of my wild fangs,

know no hard feelings.

[roars]

Hit the lights!

It's survival of the fittest.

[roars]

Fool!

[dramatic music]

Wayward ways of kin.

The last surprise will come
at sundown.

[Brandusa roars]

[Vampfather]
Will come at sundown.

[droning ambient music]

Will come at sundown.

[Grigore snarls]

[Vampfather pants]

Will come at sundown.

[wheezes]

[dramatic musical flourish]

[bats screeching,
wolves howling]

[dark music]

[knocking, sighs]

Can I ever be on time?

[knocks]

[thunder rumbles, fire crackles]

[mysterious wheezing
and moaning]

Hello?

It's Sasha.

So sorry I'm late, as usual.

[ominous music]

Vampfather, I'm sorry.

What time is it, anyway?

I had so many errands to do,

and I kept repeating to myself,

"Don't screw up because
he told us to be on time."

And I guess
I screw up once again.

Vampfather, forgive me.

I don't want to be on time.

I don't want to die.

[thunder rumbling]

[dark, mournful music]

Goodbye, Vampfather.

May we meet in some other world.

[somber organ music]

[suspenseful ambient music]

[music intensifying]

[somber, eerie music]

[doors creak]

[somber, eerie music]

-[dramatic music]
-[Grigore growls]

[gasping]

[music intensifying]

-[stake thunks]
-[Grigore roars]

[chest squishes]

[tense music]

[Grigore hisses]

Sasha.

So nice seeing you.

Yeah, been a long time.

[Grigore moans]

[thunder rumbles]

[somber music]

[rhythmic ticking]

So, I'm the last.

[tense music]

Is there something
I'm supposed to say?

Fuck it!

There is nothing that special.

[stake splinters, clatters]

What the fuck?

[dark music]

May blood be plenty
in the next world.

[stake thuds, clatters]

Damn God or Satan
or whoever the screw up is,

let me perform last rites!

Well, we had a good reign.
What--6,000 years?

[dramatic music]

[tinkling music]

Fuck me.

You screw up everything.

No wonder I'm always late
'cause I know it doesn't matter.

[dark music]

[light music]

[keyboard clacking]

Shades, looking chic.

Glare from the computer.

Uh-huh.

Why you wear different
color sneakers?

It's one of my kinks.

Okay.

It's not a problem with me
if you wanna show your fangs.

You can do that too.

[Sasha hisses]

[chuckles]
You know, I have a dentist

that can file those down
on a cheap layaway plan.

I like them, Chérie.

To each his own.

[light music]

[Chérie hisses]

[Sasha] We have
a party to go to tonight.

I'm beat.
I'll take a rain check.

It's only one time a year.

Come on, girl.

[yawns]
But what am I gonna wear?

It's Halloween!

Anything you want, baby.
[chuckles]

Trick or treat.

[chuckles]
Ass.

[Chérie]
Let's dress up together.

[percussive rock music]

[ghastly wailing, groaning]

[screaming]

[roars]

-Good?
-Yeah, yeah.

All right.
Yeah.

[man snarls]

[♪♪]

[screaming]

[roaring]

[man snarls]

Viva la vampire.

Thank you.

[screaming]

Hey, watch those hands.

[cackles]

[man snarls]

What is this,
a vampire convention?

[snarls]
I'd like your neck for a kiss.

I'll kick your balls
up your throat

if you don't fly back
to your cave.

Why so antagonistic?

It's not like you.

[Sasha] He gave me the creeps.

Everybody dressed as a vampire.

You need to get some air.

♪ Where the bats take flight

♪ Early morning, I was called

-Mwah!
-[cackles]

♪ Everything would be undone

♪ Without warning,
The vampire strikes ♪

♪ Early morning,
The Vampfather bites ♪

[moaning]

[music continues indistinctly]

[door creaks]

So, tell me, what's going on?

Nothing.

And you don't have a sexy ass.

Sasha, I love you.

I would do anything for you.

You can tell me what's going on.

Who said anything is going on?

[sighs]

You don't have to say anything.

You act it.

All right.

So, you're feeling this, too?

Feel what?

Playing dumb, sexy.

What?

I didn't know you were.

But neither did I.

♪ On a seaside cliff
Near the ocean ♪

♪ In the vampire's lair
Lies the ocean ♪

♪ Daylight fades
As the clock strikes midnight ♪

♪ Put the key
Where the bats did fly ♪

♪ Early morning
And I was called ♪

♪ Everything will be undone

♪ Without warning,
The vampire strikes ♪

-Can I bite you?
-I love hickeys.

[Sasha] The best hickey
you'll ever get.

-♪ In the morning light
-[Chérie moans]

Hey, that was the quickest
romance I've ever had.

It wasn't a romance.

Then what was it?

You don't want to know.

I think you need
to see a doctor.

[thunder rumbles, rain patters]

[percussive music]

[vampires snarling,
ghostly moans]

[sputters]

Hey, watch them hands.

Come on, it's my teeth
that want you, baby.

Careful, they look sharp.

Hey, I told you,
watch your hands.

It's not my hands that
are the problem, baby.

It's your hands.

They could dominate the world.

What do you do for a living?
Professional womanizer, eh?

I find dead bodies.

Oh, how exciting.

-Oh, you're a cop?
-Yeah.

-At least I'm safe.
-Yeah.

Safe, my ass.

Hey, your ass wasn't up
for grabs, so I've moved on.

You're drunk,
and he's horny as fuck.

-He's just a cop.
-Looks like a dirty cop to me.

How about a threesome?

No?

[percussive rock music
continues]

[traffic hums]

[soft music]

[mysterious clicking, thud]

[Sasha] Dr. Blood.

[soft moaning]

Is that your real name?

What? Oh, B-L-O-U-D,
but people mispronounce it,

so I took on the name Blood.

Dr. Rainier said
I can trust you.

Yes, Rainier, he was
your family doctor

since you were a child.

Yes, all of us would go
for all sort of cures.

Mm.

Am I going to live?

Mmm.

Yes, yes, for a while.

Mm-hmm.

What kind of while?

Yeah, we have
a very unique physiology.

There's something
in your blood that makes you

immune to the vampire
extinction.

However, you're aging
as a regular human.

[chuckles]

But I do need blood.

Well, you said you haven't
had blood for months now.

Yes, I'm determined.

[Dr. Blood] If you needed it,
you'd be dead by now.

What are you saying?

Mmm...

Ah, it's psychosomatic.

You've been conditioned to
think you need to drink blood.

But I can dissolve
in sunlight.

So you think.

Have you?

I don't think so.

[laughs]
See?

Sunlight is good for you.

Mm.

Are you saying I'm a human?

Uh, no, you are definitely
of vampire genealogy.

However, something
in the inbreeding has created

a mutation that's caused you
to be unique.

So, without a microscope,
what differs me

from being a real human?

Just your desires and choices.

If your desire to drink
blood becomes overwhelming,

you will be vampire.

However...
[chuckles]

If you choose to drink
a smoothie, you'll be human.

[chuckles]

Time will tell.

Of course, your ancestry
may be too overwhelming

for your subconscious
to simply just wish away

with a New Year's resolution.

But, tell me, Sasha,
how does it feel

to be the last remaining
vampire, the sole survivor?

Let me be the last
and be done with it.

Well, that doesn't sound like
a love affair, now, does it?

You know, if you change
your stance on this,

you could--well, there is
a way to propagate the species.

Why would I want to?

[Dr. Blood laughs]

Well, it would be such
a shame to let

such a magnificent species
just, like, become extinct.

Think of it!
I mean, it would be--

it would be like
resurrecting the dinosaurs.

[Sasha] God forbid,
we'd all be eaten alive.

[Dr. Blood] Not necessarily.

Some will take a hit
for the team.

-[chuckles]
-Wow, listen to you.

You'd think you were a vampire.

Oh, I wish.

But, if you change your mind,
you know where to find me.

[soft, tinkling music]

[Dr. Blood] Sasha.

You can trust me.

[Sasha] Would you know
a good doctor for my head?

[traffic hums]

[phone rings]

[office worker] Afternoon.

[phone rings]

[office worker]
Aye, smoking hot, girl.

You're late.

You noticed.

I'm sorry about last night.

Whatever.

You look tired.

Hangover
from the lonely punch.

Are you going to be mad
with me for a long time?

It's in my DNA to be angry.

My mom was angry;
my dad was angry.

Why shouldn't I be?

So break the lineage.

Come on, let's go to the kitchen
and get some coffee.

[light music]

[Sasha] I saw a doctor.

My blood is unique.

I didn't mean a doctor doctor.

I meant a shrink.

Yeah, that's next.

I have an appointment.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just thought we had something.

It's no big deal.

Come on, next on the roof.

I have something important
to tell you.

Did you change your mind?

Kind of.

Wow, this is getting
sexier by the minute.

Ooh, is it hot in here

or is it just the two of you?

It's a gloomy day.

Maybe I should get us
some tequila?

Chérie, I didn't bring you here
as a romantic thing.

You said you changed
your mind.

Not about that.

Okay, move out of the way.
I'm gonna jump.

[thunder rumbles]

Please, I have something

really important
to share with you.

It's not like I'm not into you.

I mean, I love you as my friend,

but I also have other feelings
for you.

What other kind of feelings?

Like, you know.

Like sexual feelings?

I knew it.

[curious, sentimental music]

[heart pulsing]

Damn, what the fuck
is wrong with you?

Why do you keep playing me
like this?

I'm a vampire,
and, if I get too excited,

I'm going to bite your neck
and drink your blood.

Yep, you need a doctor.

Chérie, I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.

Why do you think I have these?

An overbite?

Chewing too hard on your fucking
rubber baby bottle nipple

'cause your selfish, sick mom

wouldn't give you a soft breast?

It was a nice day
until you ruined it.

[percussive, emotional music]

[traffic hums]

[soft, ominous music]

[intercom beeping]

[light, tinkling music]

Oh, you can go in.

[♪♪]

Dr. Blood explained.

You don't evaporate in
the sunlight, like the others?

Yes.

So, why carry an umbrella?

Habit, I suppose.

I want to say a neurosis.

Leave it with me, on my foot.

[Sasha] Dr. Oomious.

[Dr. Oomious speaking
foreign language]

[Dr. Oomious] It is me.
What is it?

Can't you choke?

Huh?

Oh, only if I internalize
your suggestion,

which, uh, I'm not gonna do.

Oh!
So, I shall not do that.

So, Sasha, tell me, young lady,

what is it--
[groans]

that you'd like to resolve?

[Sasha] Shouldn't it be me
that lies on the couch?

Well, if you'd rather
be a patient.

I--I'd rather you be
a participating member
in self-discovery.

Okay?
And, if you're hungry,

I have more corned beef
on my desk.

Don't tell me you're
a vegan, being a vampire.

Ah, not a vegan, being a
vampire, I can tell.

[chuckles]

You have an insatiable desire
to be human?

Since a child.

Sasha, I'm sorry to inform you,
I can't treat you.

Why?
Am I hopeless?

Mm, no.
[chuckles]

Too much bleeding.

I've been the family
psychiatrist for years

and years and years and years.

It's just--whoa--
quite exhausting.

I'm not like they were.

I have dreams of getting better.

How pipe they all are, huh?

As you can see,
although I'm quite hungry,
I haven't bitten you.

[Dr. Oomious] Quite sure
of the long term effects.

Not exactly like being bit by--
[sighs]

A mosquito.

You've been treating
my family for years.

I haven't been
acting normal lately.

Can you not make
an exception for me?

Sasha, I'm getting married soon,

and my soon to be
desperate, barren wife

wants to have some kids,

and I don't want the little tots

to become--uh--vampires,
you see?

It's not working that way.

Well, nobody's sure.

Well, yeah, but I'm
the last living vampire.

There won't be any others.

[laughs]
I'm sorry, Sasha.

I'm sorry, honey.

In full disclosure, Dr. Blood
has shared your charts,

and you are, by far
and away, the most human

of all my patients,
and now they're all,

you know,
they've all gone bye bye.

They're all gone.

And I'm gonna have
to get another occupation,

which is a shame.

But what's really
a pity is that we

weren't able to make you
a full human.

But it's not in God's plan.

It's just not, honey.

A vampire is a vampire
is a--whatever.

You know what I mean;
a vampire is a vampire.

Pinocchio became a real boy.

Pinocchio?

Sasha, but Pinocchio
had Disney on his side,

and "I'll get you, my pretty!
[cackles]

"Ooh, where are my monkeys?

"Oh, the house is falling;
let's go back to Kansas!"

[laughs]

[ticking music]

You didn't bite me.

Told you.

-Oomious?
-Yeah?

Are you Jewish?

I eat corned beef.
What do you think?

[dramatic music]

-What's that?
-It's a secret map,

leading to the Jewish treasure

hidden by the Nazis
during World War II.

-Hm.
-It might take a little
sleuthing to find

exactly where the cave is,
but if you can find it.

Why me?

Heritage.

You may be even more human
than I thought.

I just found my new occupation!

[Oomious hums]

[ticking music]

[dark music]

[thunder rumbling]

[Grigore snarls]

[thunder rumbling]

[abrasive musical flourish]

[abrasive music]

[Grigore shouting]

[Sasha pants]

[high-pitched whistle]

[coughs]

[Sasha pants]

[dark music]

[Sasha hisses]

[dramatic music]

[thunder rumbles]

[eerie music]

[Sasha snarling]

[eerie music continues]

[snarls]

[thunder rumbles]

[light music]

Finished my dissertation
on creative literature.

I'm going to leave
my mark on the world!

I bet.
What the subject?

Vampires!

Speaking of things that suck.

Boss man wants this in by five.

Dreams.

What about them?

I wrote about a dream
I had last night

where you were going
to suck my blood.

What happened?

You had second thoughts,
and you left.

That's good.

As dreams go, it was so real.

Do you wanna read it?

No, I went there.

Do you wanna go to the roof?

I don't think so.

Come on!
I got something to tell you.

Tequila, tequila, tequila.

[soft, jaunty piano music]

So what it is you want
to tell me?

Shut up and drink.

Mm.

That feels good.

Might even be better
than blood?

[♪♪]

[Sasha] I'm sorry, Chérie,
I can't.

I know, because you didn't.

We will get fired.

We're on top of the world,
girl.

No one can fire us;
we fire them!

You were right there,
at the edge of my bed,

hungry, desperate to drink
my blood, but you didn't.

It was only a dream.

[dramatic musical flourish]

No, it wasn't.

My God.
You know!

[Sasha and Chérie laughing]

[light, playful music]

You smell so, so good.
Mm!

You're so pretty.

[Sasha and Chérie laughing]

[♪♪]

That one is black,
and that's white.

Oh, you're super cool.

[Chérie] It is cool.
It's cool.

[Sasha and Chérie chatter]

[Sasha] It's here, it's here,
it's here.

[Sasha and Chérie laugh]

[comical music]

[both sigh]

You're both fired.

You have to talk to him first

if you don't want to talk to me.

[Chérie laughs]

And you can't fire us
'cause we fire you.

[Chérie chuckles]

See what you made us do?

You made us drink
the whole bottle,

and now there's none left.

So let's have some more!

[Chérie] Tequila!

Sasha's right.
You're fired.

And Chérie, she doesn't
need this stupid job.

She's going to be famous
on her literature.

It's a book on dreams
and wins the Pulitzer Prize,

and you suck.

[Chérie] Yeah, you suck.

[Sasha and Chérie laughing]

And the dream was real.

So I'm gonna have Sasha
bite your neck.

[Sasha and Chérie laugh]

I'm not gonna buy the book.

I'm going to buy 10,000
of your book.

[Chérie] Thanks.
Wait.

Are we moving
or am I drunk?

-[thunder rumbles]
-[insects chirrup]

[dark, eerie music]

Neo.

It's too quiet in here
without you snoring.

I can't sleep like this.

Hey!

[bed squeaks]

Why are you being
so quiet up there?

Can't sleep.

Oh, I see.

You wanna play a game with me?

[giggles]

You playing the quiet game?

[giggles]

I mean, all right.
Here I come.

[suspenseful music]

Neo.

[♪♪]

[woman whimpering]

[woman screams]

[dark music]

-[siren wailing]
-[helicopter buzzing]

You gotta keep
these windows closed.

Vampire bats get, uh, flagrant
during the lockdown.

[police radio chatter]

What are you doing?

[chuckles]
How's it look?

-A lot better than he does.
-Yeah.

That's 'cause
I'm not a normal cop.

I'm a cool cop.

[chuckles]
Get in there.

-[camera beeps]
-[police radio chatter]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It does get better.

Can we get a statement
from Miss Rejowski, please?

-Ma'am.
-Sir?

Take her and get
her statement, please.

Ma'am, come with me this way.

Outside here.

[police radio chatter continues]

[dark music]

[camera beeps]

Connor.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is that?

Nothing, uh...

Just a souvenir for my girl.

That's evidence.

What the hell?

Great, good.

[camera beeps]

[dramatic music]

[camera clicks]

[knocking]

Sasha, it's the middle
of the night!

I need your help.

-How did you find me?
-[Sasha] The scent.

Keep it down.
You'll wake the Missus.

[ominous music]

I don't think I can
control myself any longer.

Sasha, I really think
you're better off

in the care of Dr. Oomious.

He doesn't want to see me.

Look, I just--I can't help
you anymore, I'm sorry.

[Sasha pants]

[light music]

[panting]

Sorry, honey.
Sorry, just one of my clients.

[chuckles]

She thinks she's a vampire.
[laughs]

[sex doll squeaks]

[dark music]

[insects chirrup]

[wolf howls]

[eerie music]

[dog barks]

[♪♪]

[wind whistles]

I wanted to tell the doctor
I think I'm having blackouts.

[soft, suspenseful music]

How beautiful.

Can use to help grow.

Or to kill.

[dramatic music]

[traffic hums]

[thunder rumbles]

[eerie, skittering music]

[birds tweeting]

Jan, when you came out to see
if crazy Kevin was stalking ya,

did you happen to notice
if anyone

took your dad's garden stakes?

Just the vampires.

Can you get off the phone,
talk to your dad?

No, just Mr. Rosen
walking his dogs,

Mrs. Blossom riding her bicycle,
and the twins jogging.

Maybe the twins
were the vamps.

Told ya!

Well, they don't cast
reflections in mirrors.

Doubt the camera
would pick up anything.

Later, Jess.

My dad's having
a total breakdown.

I can hear you.

Folklore.

There's a blackout
for a few minutes.

Dad, tonight,
keep the windows closed

so those ugly creatures
can't fly in.

I don't mean the flying kind.

Do bullets stop
the other kind?

-[phone rings]
-Good question.

Go for Holmes.

Copy that.

Yeah, I'll be there soon.

[car revs]

[light music]

[car revs]

[clicking]

[woman moaning]

You watching porn on the beat?

[phone beeps]

Look, Holmes,
you and I are tight,

so I'm not gonna say anything,
but it don't look good,

you storing those vampire
stakes in front of your house.

They're garden stakes,
for Christ's sake.

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying.

What are you saying?

Victims all had bite marks
to the neck,

and we're not talking
about love hickeys.

Forensics?

Died of blood loss.

Nothing conclusive yet
on folklore.

Folklore?

Vampires.

Bats?

-No.
-[scoffs]

Right, the other kind
of folklore.

You tell that
to the dead corpses

left with going-away presents.

Vampire stakes?

Can I ask, why do you
still wear the ring?

[light, busy music]

Okay, I guess I'm not
saying anything,

and I can't ask
anything either.

It, uh, gives me comfort, okay?

[blinker clicking]

[car revs]

[♪♪]

So where are we going?

Looks innocent enough.

Where'd you find her?

My rose bed.

Wait, in your garden
of vampire stakes?

Hey, I buried my dog
in that garden.

Okay.
Where's this going?

I'm just saying,
stay out of my garden.

Why would she leave it?

[Holmes] Cry for help?

Oh, I'll help her.

[laughs]

She's a looker.

[snorts] This is official
police business, okay, man?

Not your little...porn play.

I'm not saying anything,
all right?

Cut me some slack.

Just saying she's, uh,
mysterious is all.

Junior, best watch yourself,
all right?

You'll find yourself
the next victim.

[♪♪]

[traffic hums]

[Holmes and Junior chatter]

[Holmes] See what it says.

[Junior] Sweet Sin Drive.

Uh, I think it is...

What is this?

In case folklore
isn't folklore.

Come on.

Come on.

[comical music]

[doorbell rings]

[groovy percussion music]

[doorbell ringing]

Afternoon, Miss.

Detective Holmes,
Officer Junior.

May we come in?

-[Sasha] Why?
-You are a person of interest.

[Sasha] 'Kay, and why I am
a person of interest for?

-Does this look familiar?
-[Sasha] My license.

-How did you get it?
-You left it in my rose garden.

[Sasha] Oh, the one
with the vampire stakes?

Yeah.

[whistles]
Nice place.

-Thank you.
-[Holmes] Oh.

You can see
the observatory from here.

Please, have a seat.

[♪♪]

Is he okay?

Junior's just never seen
a vampire before.

Well, if you've seen one,
you've seen them all.

[Holmes chuckles]

[Junior chuckles]

There's been multiple murders.

One of your doctors
as well as your boss.

That's so sad.

Do you wanna confess?

Sure.
How do I do that?

You'll sign a confession
admitting to the murders?

Well, I'm not sure.

I've been having blackouts.

I'm sorry, Miss,
we're gonna need

to put this mask
over your mouth for precaution.

Precaution for what?

Just do it.

If it were up to me,
I wouldn't.

It's okay, Junior.

[Holmes] You're right, Junior,
it's not up to you.

Put it on.

[♪♪]

You have nice hair.

Sit down, Junior.

[Sasha] I will talk
to not anyone else.

Please, arrest me.

Then you're admitting
to the murders.

[Sasha] I just don't remember.

[sighs] Well, can't
arrest you on suspicion.

We'll have to leave it at that,
see what the evidence reveals.

Look, here's my card,
in case you wanna get coffee
or something like-

Don't listen to the rookie.

He's still learning how to talk.
Go to the car.

[light music]

[Sasha] You want your mask back?

[Holmes] I may need it
for the next one.

[Sasha] I'm the last of them.

[♪♪]

Have a good day, Miss.

Can I have my license back?

Sorry, it's evidence.

[tinkling, soft music]

Detective Holmes,

if the evidence reveals
I'm the murderer,

please kill me,
and don't hesitate.

Copy that.

[soft, shimmering music]

You think she did it?

I don't know.

[engine turns over]

She got to you, too,
didn't she?

Don't let your dick get
in the way of your gun.

[car revs]

[dramatic music]

[traffic hums]

[insects chirrup]

[dark music]

[knocks]

[♪♪]

Officer Junior.

Wanna join me for some coffee?

Wouldn't it be
against protocol?

Isn't being a vampire
against protocol?

[soft music]

It's a really nice night
out tonight.

Yes, if you're a vampire.

[clears throat]

Excuse me, Miss,
would you mind, uh,

opening your mouth
and showing me your teeth?

[Sasha growls softly]

Oh, you really are a vampire.

Could be an overbite.

But is it?

I thought it was
a coffee date.

So it is a date.

Depends.

Is it a social meet
or police business?

I'd say it, uh, feels a lot less
like business and more social.

Looks can be deceiving.

[gentle guitar music]

I wanna kiss you.

Want to or need to?

And risk being bitten?

You are a vampire?

[laughs]

I'm just fucking with you.

[smacks]

[bell rings]

Geez, can't women take
a joke anymore?

Tell me about it, dude.

[soft music continues]

[siren wailing]

[dog barking]

[Sasha growls]

[fence rattles]

[dramatic music]

[fence rattles]

[ominous music]

[Sasha and Junior moan]

[wolves howling]

[Sasha] Yes, yes.

[traffic hums]

[light music]

Gas gauge is near empty.

Wasn't like that
when we clocked out last night.

Maybe the vampires decided
to drink gas instead of blood.

[chuckles]
Conservation.

[Holmes] Very funny.

Did you take the rig out
last night?

Uh, yeah, went for a drive,
you know,

with the cool wind in my hair.

Thought I'd stop at Hotel Callie
for some action.

Very good.

You opening for Leno now?

[♪♪]

Rough shave?

Uh, hickey.
[chuckles]

[scoffs]

Let me see it.

What do you care
about my hickey?

-Come on, let me see.
-No, get outta here.

Ow!

-It is a hickey.
-Yeah.

Cute.

God, you know, you got
no trust in me lately.

Well, lately, you
haven't been delivering.

That's not what she said.

Consider yourself lucky.

About what?

The only thing she
gave you was a hickey.

Wouldn't want those fangs
near my stake.

Look, I deliver, okay?

I extracted some info.

Apparently, there's a shit load
of treasure involved.

[dramatic music]

[traffic hums]

[siren wails]

Shit! I had no idea
what kind of shit load.

[gas nozzle rattles]

Watching porn again, slick?

So, do you remember that info
I was telling you about?

Apparently, the Nazis
stashed billions

of the Jews' treasure
in some cave.

[Holmes] Ole Miss Hickey
tell you that?

Yeah, yeah,
said she had the map,

but she gave it to one

of the victims
who was later murdered.

Let me guess,
blood sucked out.

Yeah, murdered.

[engine turns over]

Hm.

So, uh, where'd she find
the map?

Some relative.

So let me get this straight.

There's...
[clears throat]

A murderer that's looking
for hidden treasure.

[Junior] Yeah.

Gonna be one rich son
of a bitch.

[Holmes]
Did your little fang fatale

tell you that she's
the last one,

that all the other ones
are dead?

The last of who?

The last of the vampires.

[chuckles]

Yeah, yeah,
she told me that.

Like I'm gonna believe
that wild stuff.

And that the treasure's
in a cave

in the mountains
of Transylvania?

Wait, wait, how do
you know what she said?

Check your pocket.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

[dark music]

You know--look who can't
be trusted now, huh?

This is also against my privacy
and it's against the law.

Tell Internal Affairs.

You know, while you're at it,

tell them you are now
a person of interest

because you're sleeping
with the suspect.

Since when is she a suspect?

Since all the victims
have vampire bites,

and she's the last vampire.

A--vampire bats.

[Holmes] Yeah, how do you know?
Did you see the forensics?

Anyway, the other kind
are folklore.

Yeah, I used to think so.

I'm not too sure anymore.

Mind if I tell
Internal Affairs?

[scoffs]
They'd lock us both up.

Hungry, slick?

[Junior] Yeah.

[Holmes] Let us eat, hm?

[engine turns off]

[Holmes grunts]

[upbeat music]

[bottle clanks]

Sandwiches?

I could really use a beer
with these.

Ask and you shall receive.

Holy shit.

[bottle opens]

Can't we get in trouble
for drinking in the car?

We're two cops.

Breaking the law.

I won't tell
if you won't tell.

I ain't saying nothing.

[bottle opens]

Here's to nabbing a suspect.

Say, uh, how far would you go
in breaking the law?

Meaning?

Meaning if we
dig up the treasure...

What's the harm in sharing some?

Sure, we'll just fly out
to Transylvania.

You were listening.
You heard it.

Mm.

As soon as you were
about to climax, I stopped.

I mean, I don't need
to hear you finish, ugh.

Thanks for the respect.

So what did she say?

[ethereal music]

Oh!
Look who's in control now.

The treasure's not
in Transylvania any longer.

Where's the treasure, shithead?

Whoa!
Take it easy.

So, we gonna split it?

Not unless I split your
dumbass head open first.

And what about respect
for the Jews?

[dark music]

We're not gonna take it all,
just a percentage,

for our inconvenience.

Now you're talking.

I'll cheers to that.
Let's go.

I just started
my fucking sandwich.

Well, I'm hungry
for treasure now.

Eat your sandwich.

Thank you.

[insects chirrup]

[wolves howling]

[owl hoots]

[Junior] I don't even
wanna know what's in there.

Yeah, let's just skip by that.

[Holmes] Are those coffins
or cabinets?

[Junior] I don't like them
either way.

[Holmes] All this time,
I thought it was folklore.

[Junior] I just hope
the treasure ain't folklore.

[Holmes] I don't get
the Count thing.

Dracula set a precedent
or something?

Why not Baron, Duke, Earl,
or Marquis?

[dog barking]

[Junior] It's tradition.

Yeah, well detective
tradition's telling me

that something ain't right.

It's not an amusement park.

It's a graveyard.

Look, suck it up, okay?

We're about to be rich.

[Holmes] Which grave?

How am I supposed to know?

[Holmes] Hey, you didn't tell
anyone about this, did you?

No.

-Except Connor.
-What the fuck?

You told that creepy klepto
we were out here?

He didn't believe me.

Right.
Who would?

Gotta calm down.

[ominous music]

What am I even looking for?

[Junior] I don't know.
Just stay calm.

[soft, suspenseful music]

Found it.

How do you know?

Fresh prints and dirt.

Nice work, Junior.

[dog barking]

So, when do we tell
the department?

Let's see what we've got first.

After we take our share?

Shh.
Just dig.

All right.

[shovel crunches]

[♪♪]

[object jangles]

[Junior] Shit, look at that.

Is that real gold?

There's an inscription.

"To my beloved Anna.

"I will love you all eternity.

"Max, 1935."

That's really sad.

Whoa, dude, what the fuck?

You can't just wear that.

What am I supposed
to do with it,

throw it back in the cold dirt?

Don't throw a fit.

Holy shit!

Look at this.
It's the matching ring.

"To my beloved Max.

"I will love you
for all eternity.

"Anna, 1935."

All right, no more digging.

Oh, don't throw a fit.

Look, how about this, okay?

[rings jangle]

And now they're together again.

[Holmes] We're leaving.
Come on.

Don't be a bitch, okay?

Just 'cause I put on the rings,

we're gonna forego the treasure?

[Holmes] Some things are sacred.

Where's our dignity, huh?

Those rings belonged
to a man and wife

who loved each other dearly,

and they were murdered
mercilessly by human animals.

This treasure belongs to the
deceased and their ancestors.

That could've been us,
murdered in cold blood.

No, we're done here, man.

I'm calling it in.

[Holmes sighs]

Easy come, easy go.

[rings jangle]

[soft, emotional music]

-[gun clicks]
-Pick the shovel back up.

[tense music]

I thought you didn't believe me.

You believed me.
I didn't believe you, stupid-o.

Dig.

[♪♪]

No, this stuff belongs
to the sacrificed Jews.

Yeah, and when you dig up
the loot,

I'm gonna sacrifice you
and bury you in the grave, so.

Why would we dig
if you're just gonna kill us?

Buy yourself some time.

Dig.

Hands where I can see them.

While I figure out how
to take down

this money-hungry, bad cop.

Guns.

[tense music]

-[gun bangs]
-[Holmes grunts]

I said Junior dig, not you!

Junior, dig,
or I'll shoot you in the leg

and force you to dig anyway

while experiencing
excruciating pain.

[Junior] One bullet
might have been loud enough

to alert some dog walker
nearby to call the cops.

Another bullet will surely seal
your fate.

-[gun bangs]
-Dig!

Or I'll shoot you in the arm
anyway, and force you

to dig in double
excruciating pain.

You're as bad
as the fucking Nazis!

Yeah, well,
not exactly my heroes,

but I'll take it
as I'm a bad ass.

-[gun bangs]
-[Junior groans]

The more blood you spill
from me,

the more I stand unified
with the martyrs.

[gun bangs]

[Connor] You don't stand.
You're lying next to the filth.

Leave him the fuck alone!

[foot thunks]

[shovel grates]

[shovel clangs]

[Connor grunts]

Get up, get up!

You know where this next
deadly bullet will go?

To the part
of your brain housing

the wild idea of compassion.

The sound of your evil chant

will be heard beyond the human.

Oh, yeah?

Like God saved the Jews?

[Connor laughing]

[laughing grows distant]

[dramatic music intensifying]

[gun bangs]

[discordant music]

[Connor's body thuds]

[dramatic music]

[Junior] Oh, thank God.

Who are you?

[chuckles]

Dr. Blood.
[chuckles]

Hey, look, come--come get my
cellphone out of my pocket.

We can call Central.

[tense music]

Huh.
[Dr. Blood chuckles]

[gun clicks]

[discordant music]

What--what are you doing?

Wait, why'd you do that?

[Dr. Blood chuckles]

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me?

I have no sense of humor.

That's why I laugh at all
the wrong places.

[chuckles]

But Detective Connor
had the right idea,

except he's not gonna be
the last one standing.

[chuckles]

Why are you doing this?

Well, why does anyone
do anything?

Why not?

[chuckles]

Look, the treasure
is right there, okay?

Just take it.

Of course I'm gonna
take your treasure,

and them I'm gonna
suck your blood.

[chuckles]

Oh, fuck--fuck this.

[Dr. Blood grunts]

[Junior] What the fuck?

[Dr. Blood laughs]

My trademark!

Aw, you're a fucking sicko!

Well, maybe you think
I'm a sicko,

but this is a lifelong dream.

Now, where do you want it,
left or right?

-Huh?
-[Junior grunts]

Oh, no, you don't.

Every good vampire goes
for the jugular.

[chuckles]

Ah, there it is,
nice and pumped.

[chuckles]

[bat screeching]

[dark music]

[both scream]

[dramatic music]

[Sasha moans]

That tastes so much
better than smoothies.

[dramatic, operatic music]

[Junior grunts]

[Junior] I thought you
weren't the flying kind.

[Sasha] I didn't know
until now.

Instinct rules.

[dramatic music]

[traffic hums]

[siren wailing]

[dark music]

[bats screeching]

[doorbell rings]

[bats screeching]

[dark music]

Maybe you can teach us how
to fly like that someday?

Full report, boss.

Just give me the meat
and bones, kid.

[waitress] Another meat
and bones?

Sure.

Connor, the dirty cop,
was real dirty.

Dr. Blood,
now Dr. Blood was something

right out of a horror film.

He used Halloween-style fangs
to kill all of his victims.

He was a folklore copycat.

Went from idolizing one beast
to another.

Once he killed off his
quota and got bored,

he would pick up another
folklore beast

to continue to instill horror
into the communities.

How many did he kill?

[cop] DNA tests just keep
on coming.

Dozens.

All right, thanks, kid.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You have an invitation.

What is it?

Old family castle.

[dramatic music]

[wind rustles]

[percussive, cultic music]

[Sasha] It's here.

[♪♪]

I don't feel comfortable
leaving you.

Don't worry.
It will be fine.

After knowing the whole story,

do you really expect me
to believe that?

No, but do.

[door thuds]

[bats screech]

[cultic music continues]

[doors creak]

[bats screech]

[vampires chattering]

[vampire] Beautiful.

Oh, it's bloody beautiful,
and it's real blood.

[vampires chattering]

You were all dead.

[vampires chattering]

[Brandusa] My favorite!

Grigore.

Brandusa.

-Oh, no!
-Nicolae.

-This is too much, you guys.
-Daciana.

No!
[Daciana squeals]

Blood, my favorite!

Sorry, but can someone tell me

how come you're not dead
like I last see you?

We were not dead, my child.

We only looked that way.

Well, we were almost dead.

[Brandusa]
Yeah, it was pretty nasty.

[Vampfather] Here, sit down.

A piece of cake, Vampfather?

Ah, just a--no, no, no, no,
I'm watching my weight.

These youngsters have not
yet learned the lesson

of patience or sacrifice.

I told them there was
a surprise coming.

Oh, can I tell her,
Vampfather?

See what I mean
about patience?

See, the deadly stakes
were only meant

to test our resolve
to stay true to our species.

Let me continue.
I hate listening.

Us vampires were truly dying,
not able

any longer to survive
on the pure blood

of the purified humans,
so we had to go--

So mighty Vampfather,
our patriarch,

had Dr. Switchfire
in Transylvania create

a special toxin applied
to the tip of the stake,

and once the tip
of the stake employs our heart,

our blood evolves
with the serum to accept

the human blood once again.

Okay, all sit, everyone.

[dark music]

This all, I'm sure,
has been a very traumatizing

journey for Sasha,

who, since a child,

her only dream was
to become a real human.

[music stops]

You are more human
than you know.

I can still fly.

[dark music]

New Century resolution:

we shall fulfill
our survival requirements

while doing the human society
a moral favor.

We shall feed only
on the blood of evil humans.

[growls]

Though far and in between,

there are sufficient numbers

to keep our bellies full.

[Grigore] Good, Vampfather,

because I am hungry.

[vampires snarl]

Sasha, what is the matter?

Yeah, your idea
is really good.

So?

Is there a way for me
to become a real human?

Come, my child.

[vampires chatter]

[Grigore laughs]

There is a way.

Now, it has never
been done before,

and it won't be easy.

Really?

You must bite yourself
on the neck.

That's impossible.

It's never been done before,

and it won't be easy.

[Sasha] But how, Vampfather?

There is a reason why we
do not cast a reflection.

[dramatic, sweet music]

[♪♪]

[narrator] In the end,
the beauty of legends is,

if you believe
with all your heart,

the legend creates miracles.

[dark, dramatic music]

[eerie, haunting music]

[bats chittering]

-[Grigore roars]
-[woman screaming]