Vai avanti tu che mi vien da ridere (1982) - full transcript

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POLICE STATION

Cavicchioni, the siren.

Go.

Attention everyone,
a crazy man is barricaded in a house.

He's threatening to harm people.
He's at 4 Via Carlo Salmoiraghi.

- It's for us.
- He has a gun.

That was for every car,
except for Nicehair's!

It's not for us.

Nicehair, go to the market to get food.
Get 30kg of broccoli.

- Go.
- To the market?

- No, to the crime scene.
- It's not for us.



It's for the people who get there first.
You always upset me!

Slow down!

Grandpa, the war is over!

- Fuck you.
- And your grandpa too!

Don't laugh, jerk.
Hurry, this crime isn't going to wait.

- So?
- It's not moving.

Holy Virgin of Altomare of Andria!

Release the handbrake.

Try again, put it in second gear.

I'll kill you!

Cavicchioni, I'll break your tibia,
your malleolus, and your joints.

What is this, a carousel?

Chief, hurry up.
If I slow down it will stop again.

Should I jump? Stop. Open the door, jerk!



I'm scared!
I'll kill you! I'll rip your guts out.

- Let go of me!
- Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Go.

That crazy guy ran away.

- Who is that dick?
- Me.

I am sorry, Giannetti.
I thought I'd get here on time.

- You let him run away.
- We will get him.

No! Go away.

Come on!

What a dick!

"No! Go away!"

Son of a bitch, he'll pay for that.

In the meantime,
we could go to the market.

- The cafeteria is waiting.
- Careful.

- Listen--
- To all cars, except for Nicehair's.

- Go to Via Fioranelli.
- Go.

- Nicehair, don't go there.
- Via Fioranelli, 28. Let's be quick.

- Chief, they said--
- I know.

How can it be that nothing in life
excites you?

You need a little bit of ambition!
Don't you want to become a chief like me?

- Not like you.
- How funny!

I could break your arm
even while you are driving.

Hurry, pass by Via dei Cinquecento.

- At number 250, turn right.
- No worries. I know a shortcut.

SLOW DOWN.
ROADWORKS

I swear it wasn't there yesterday!
We can still get there if we hurry!

- Get in, your feet are getting dirty.
- You'd better leave, my feet are busy.

Stop, we're here. Stop!

- My foot is stuck in tar.
- Stop!

- Cavicchioni.
- It's not moving.

I will cut your head off. Oh my!

Oh my God!

Cover up, you dirty pervert!
This is public indecency.

Hi.

You are ten minutes late as usual.
Do you think everybody's waiting for you?

Elvira, I was working.
Two murders and one heist.

- Close the door.
- Yes.

- The shoes.
- Yes.

The shoes. We are in a church.

It is very nice in here.

Gianni has a very refined taste.
Don't touch.

As usual. Here.

I hear weird sounds.
Do you have workers in the house?

Gianni is composing his electronic music.

- I am ignorant about electronic music.
- You're just ignorant in general.

Let's talk about something else-- No!

- Don't sit on the white couch.
- God forbid! It is so white.

- Sit here.
- Here?

Here, here!

You must wonder why I called you.

- Yes, no.
- Of course.

You are selfish,
you don't care about other people.

When I told you, very civilly,

that I was in love with someone else
and I was leaving you for him,

what did you think?

- Never mind.
- Tell me.

We split up. Each one of us
must think about their life.

- What did you think?
- That you are a whore.

You were never a gentleman, I knew it.

- You didn't worry about me.
- Really?

You didn't worry
about how Gianni would react

seeing me coming to his place
with a child and a dog?

You didn't think
that they may ruin our happiness?

Honestly, no.

Now that I am finally going
on my honeymoon with Gianni,

you want me to take them with me, I bet!

- Who?
- The child and the dog.

You brought your mother
and her sister to our honeymoon.

- What was that?
- Nothing, Gianni. Just my husband.

It was a B-flat,
I could hear that perfectly.

I know nothing about it,
I didn't even see it.

You mean this?

- The note I was looking for.
- We compose music together!

I didn't realize he was looking
for a B-flat,

or I would have beaten him with it.

Don't start again with your jealousy.
Why did I marry you?

Still with this nonsense?
It's the year 2000.

Should I be jealous of someone
who is looking for a B-flat?

What do I care?

I might be wrong
but isn't that our son Luca?

- Of course, who else could it be?
- I saw him Sunday, I took him to the game.

- Congratulations.
- Why?

An affectionate son,
well-educated, I am proud of him.

Come on, he is in love.
He is happy to come live with you.

I see your game! Now, I understand.
You had to do all this mess?

You know it's not possible
because of my job.

It's fine about Luca, but not your dog.

Onofrio, don't even start. Please.

Bloody hell, I said no.

Don't move your paw,
you will not convince me.

Stop it, don't lick me.

Attention everyone, there is a heist
at the bank in Via Gucci.

They are still inside.
Be careful not to put civilians in danger.

Only use your weapons
if it's absolutely necessary.

There is a robbery three blocks from here.

- Hurry, put on the siren.
- Yes, of course.

Cavicchioni, the dog, my son, the luggage.

Let's go.

Open the trunk, move.

Are you leaving stuff on the floor?

This time, he won't run away.
Let's hurry up.

- Dad, I bet he will run away.
- I will send you back to your mom.

Freeze or I will shoot!

Don't move! It's the police.

Bloody son of a bitch!

I will kill you!
Take the money to the bank.

Wretched soul.

You are hurting me!

Are you crazy?

- I am…
- A murderer, a criminal.

- A head cashier.
- A head cashier…

Beg your pardon, excuse me.

Hi, I will see you at 4:00.

Giannetti,
we're always running into each other.

- We bump into each other.
- Nice.

Do you happen
to know something about…

Don't worry.
Do you know Chief Nicehair?

- My wife.
- How do you do?

You got a promotion. You will go far!

For me, it's important to know
where I will go. See you later.

Bye.

Where the fuck is San Vito?

San Vito, close to Trento,
population of 321.

It's 3,254 meters above sea level.

It's the last police station
before the border.

I read it on the death certificate
of the last chief,

who died of pneumonia in August
because it was minus 20 degrees.

- The lowest?
- The maximum at midday.

That's why Giannetti said I was going far!
I'm going to get so angry!

And I will go to the president
if I have to.

At this point, I will tell you
that the vice commissioner is sick today,

the commissioner is on holiday,
and the undersecretary wants the keys.

- He says that you know.
- I know. I am always a scapegoat.

Lo Cascio, they will pay for this!

Lo Zito?

Lo Zito!

Good morning, tell me.

- Is anybody here?
- They are in the projection room.

Don't piss me off. I am already upset.

- They are calling me. I must go.
- That's better.

There is even a red light.

This shot was taken by
the German Federal Intelligence Service.

This is Sheikh Abadjan
when he arrived in Bonn.

It's his first time in Europe.
It's July 17th.

He says his country is ready
to lower down the price of oil,

and to start competing
with the other Arab countries.

Pay attention to the man to the left,
one of his bodyguards.

He covers him and takes the bullet
that was meant for Abadjan.

It's the sixth attack.

I have never seen such luck!
Let's see the last one.

France, three days ago.

- He was supposed to die that day.
- No.

At the time of the explosion,

Abadjan's car was supposed
to be where the bomb exploded.

But he got into a car accident
and was late.

- And so, the other car exploded.
- What luck!

Yes, but you can't always count
on your lucky stars.

From a calculation of probability,
Abadjan could die when he is here.

The ambassador's party is our weak spot.

We can't cancel it.
He will sign the oil contract.

Maybe the killer will strike there.
He's a tough man.

Is it possible that no one saw him?

Yes, three people. We have some footage
where only the third one is shown.

Projector. The other two have been killed.

- Giannetti, are you kidding?
- No.

It's the only thing
we have about the third witness.

Andrea Ritter, also known as Andrea Rossi,
also known as Andrea Seban.

A man?

A transvestite who, in the exact moment
of the homicide, ran into the killer.

He's the only one to know
what the murderer looks like.

Since then, he's been hiding
and changing his identity.

He knows he's in danger.
But I found him, Mr. Commissioner.

He's in a transvestite club, the Sexy Gay.

Authorize me to go and get him
before he tries to run again.

A hit that is worth a raise, Giannetti.
Congratulations.

It's my job. Here's my plan.
There isn't two without three.

The killer will try to kill
the third witness.

- And we will make him do that.
- I don't understand.

At the right moment,

before he'll be able to strike,
we'll be on him, and he'll be ours.

This transvestite, Andrea Ritter,
will be our bait.

Lo Cascio, do you want to send me
to San Vito to die of pneumonia?

- No, sir.
- Okay, so you didn't see me here.

I need 48 hours. Give me your hand.

- I'll make a high guard out of you.
- But I'm already a corporal.

A marshal then!

- Good evening.
- Chief.

Onofrio, what are you doing here?

Saint Teresa! Hurry up.

Cavicchioni!

- Ready.
- Secret mission, ready to leave.

Right away, sir.

Cavicchioni!

I'll break your shins.

Or maybe the meniscus, it hurts more.

We don't get along, do we?
Come on, get in.

In.

You want to drive? Move.

Move. Damn!

- That'd be good.
- Can you pass me the mirror?

- No, it's bad luck.
- What are we going to do then?

Careful.

Onofrio!

- It's a dog.
- He stained your pants.

Why do you always have to misbehave?
Get in.

I can't take you there.
It's a promiscuous place,

it's not good for you.

You're not used to it,
I'll go and work. Be good.

Oh, Holy Mary of the dogs!

Listen, I'm already in trouble
for so many reasons.

Look at me, let's talk man-to-man.

I met you in Morocco, and I don't know
what you were doing there.

Do you want me to end up in San Vito?

You're used to the cold, but I'm not.
Get in the car.

You want to be smart?
You're acting like a Yorkshire? Wait.

You could get waxed.

You see this?

Get it.

Fucking hell!

Pardon.

- Don't do it again or I'll beat you.
- What do you want?

I warned you.

Listen.

Listen.

- Hey.
- Yes?

- Do you know where Andrea is?
- Everyone's talking about Andrea.

He didn't come today.
Do I need to speak French?

In Italian, but stay calm.

The other guy also asked about Andrea.

I don't know Andrea's address, all right?
I don't know it!

- Who is this other guy?
- I don't care if you're jealous.

I don't have anything to do with this.
I argued with Andrea.

- No way!
- If you see him, give him this.

He left it behind earlier,
when he ran away.

Didn't you say that he didn't come?
Why did he run away?

I'm used to not getting
involved in things.

The last time I did, they broke my arm.

Listen.

If you don't want another broken arm,
tell me where Andrea is.

- I don't know.
- Why are you shouting?

You need to go ask Marco.
He's the one who got the phone call.

- You are Marco?
- No, I'm Franco. He's Marco.

You wanted me?

Don't get excited,
I only want some information, stay calm.

- She left five minutes ago.
- I'm getting mad. Let's go up.

Onofrio!

Careful!

Onofrio!

What is it? Onofrio!

Mr. Ritter!

Onofrio, get him!

We'll talk later. Ritter, stop! Police.

Don't move. Don't move.
I won't move either.

He wants to kill me, he found me.

Please, don't run, I can't.

- Who are you?
- Chief Nicehair.

If it wasn't for me, now…

- Don't worry.
- I'm scared.

I need to hide.
If he finds me, he'll kill me.

Don't worry. Stay calm.
You're in good hands.

I'll take you to a safe place. Come.

Don't pull, I have handcuffs.
You go ahead.

- Where are you taking me?
- Don't shout.

- Where are you taking me?
- I told you not to shout!

I'm bringing you to my house.
It's not the sexy shop where you work.

Don't be afraid.

It's my house.
Do you think I don't know this?

Don't bother me!

Pardon.

- Just take me to the police station.
- No.

- Occupied!
- Sorry.

- Let's go to the police station.
- I have a better idea.

No one will think that I brought you here.
This is a good idea.

- Short and stocky?
- Yes.

- With a southern accent?
- Yes.

- With a furry dog?
- Yes.

It's Nicehair!
Find him before the party. And alive!

He's causing so many problems!

If you can't cook pasta right,
you're just dumb.

It smells like basil. It needs salt.

I'm happy that you agree.
You're a smart kid.

Because when I start something,
I'll always finish it.

My plan, in all modesty, can't fail.

Thank you, I was looking for this.

I need it to finish the pasta.
Where did it fall from?

Here. Let's put the sauce here.
Then the spaghetti there.

Here.
Do you see why this game is easy?

I'll bring you to the embassy.
I don't know how we'll get in,

but we'll get in.
You'll indicate the killer to me,

and I'll arrest him
before he kills Abadjan.

Our pasta is ready.
See? I'm not dumb.

One, two and three. Perfect.

This way, I can move to San Vito
and you'll be a free man.

Thank you. This is very good wine.
My father-in-law makes it.

He's a jerk, but makes good wine.
Shall we drink some?

Open up! If my dumbass of a dad comes,
I'm in trouble.

Are you deaf? Open.

- It was you.
- Yes. It's me, the dumbass. So?

Sorry, you have to talk like that
to get people to listen.

I have problems
you just can't imagine. Lucky you!

- What are you doing?
- I'm hungry.

- They finished everything.
- I cannot blame them.

- Stop.
- Yeah, okay.

- What's the problem?
- There's a big problem.

I'm in love with Maria,
but she also likes Gigi and Paolo.

- Also, Roberto flirts with her.
- Also?

- So?
- She kissed Sandro in the bathroom.

- How old is she?
- Eleven.

She's old.
Leave her alone, drop everything.

Dad!

Don't fall in love,
or your appetite will get even bigger!

Yes, okay.

You can come out, it was my son.
Finally, we can eat.

What?

At least the spaghetti was good, no?
Damn dog!

I'll make more.

Yes. It's me, who is it?

Congratulations. You made a big hit.
They're angry, if they get you--

They won't get me.

That depends.
If you're still on the phone, yes.

They're coming to your place.

What do you have instead of a brain?
I'll rip your guts out!

Okay, while you wait,
do you want to surrender?

If I could, I'd spit on you!
See you in two hours, you know where. Bye.

- Let's go, he's coming.
- Who?

- A playboy.
- Who is he?

Giannetti, another chief--
What do you care? Let's go.

No. I won't go unless you explain.

Andrea, don't you make me angry too!

POLICE

- Let me get out.
- Are you trying to get me killed?

- I said that I want to get out.
- Don't turn! We'll crash.

That's better, at least I can get out.
Stop, the police.

Help! Police!

- Are you a cannibal?
- Let me get out!

- Where are we?
- In a bachelor pad.

- It's yours?
- Yes.

- I share it with a…
- Who?

An undersecretary of the Minister.
It's big stuff.

You are not convincing me.

- You could work for the killer.
- You're crazy!

You have a fixation.
If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead.

You're hurting me with this.

Right, but I don't understand.
You live in that small house…

you dress like this.

How should I dress?

Do I need to dress like you?
I'm a normal man.

If you say so. Let me see.

- What?
- Your police license.

You sound like a broken record!

Here it is. Now you learn it by heart.

This is a metro pass.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh Lord! I was wrong.
Where did I…

- Where did I put it?
- In the other jacket.

- How do you know?
- It always happens like this.

- Do you want to tell me who you are?
- Again?

Why did you run when the police arrived?

Why? You sound like a kid
with all these questions!

I don't want to go to San Vito
where it's 25 below freezing.

Would you go live in such a place?

Relax. Why do you always think
that everyone is trying to trick you?

Sit down.

I have so many worries already.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

- I won't give you anything.
- You won't give me anything?

What did you think, dumbass?

- As a matter of fact, I like real women.
- Sorry!

I have nothing against people like you.
Do what you want.

Go to Casablanca, or wherever you want.

I am very open minded,
even while being from the South.

I also told my wife
to do what she wanted, and she did.

She went away with another man.

I'm more interested in knowing
how you realized…

- What?
- The thing, the thing.

- You mean that thing.
- Yes, the transformation.

- It started with an itch.
- Really?

Everywhere.

Like you're doing.

- You're making fun of me?
- Only those that I like.

Here we go again.
Stay calm. I understand.

Come here. No, my dear.

- What are you doing?
- Stay calm.

Don't scream
because these are all bachelor pads.

Everybody screams.

- Good evening.
- Hi.

Big things.

There's a ten million-dollar bounty
on your head.

I would like to change the car.
It would be nice.

I'll give you a knock.
I'll knock your head to the ground.

- I was just saying.
- Don't say it.

- Any news about the killer?
- He hits and runs away.

He killed the first witness
by throwing him out of the window.

He was under surveillance by the FBI
in a hotel room in Las Vegas.

Out of nowhere, the lights go out,
they hear a noise,

and he's face first on the ground.
The head was like a smashed melon.

The guts were tangled,
the blood was dripping.

- The brain was on the pavement.
- Stop, please.

You always go into details. He's dead?

Yes.

Just tell me the things
they'll say at the police station.

- At the bar near the lake at 10:00 a.m.
- You want to damage me?

If I damage you, then I'll marry you.
I'm practicing with the transvestite.

- How's it going?
- We argue like husband and wife.

Why do you always need to say bullshit?
I'll wait for you by the lake.

- How did you do it?
- I'm not lucky in love.

Onofrio, I can't bring you with me.
You're a troublemaker.

If you ruin the furniture,
the undersecretary will get upset.

Oh Lord! He's offended.

Stay here and I'll feed you later.
Bye. Wait.

Yes. I'm in number nine, I'm locked in.

What are you doing? Are you dumb?

- Get down.
- Don't touch me pig!

- Come here!
- Leave me alone!

You're a disgraced soul! Judas!
You wanted to trick me?

Did you slap me back?

Come, dear.

They left the lights on.

Surely it was that dumbass, Nicehair.

- My husband's colleague?
- No, dear.

Don't be afraid,
he just takes care of this apartment.

He puts everything in order.

- Are you sure?
- Of course.

Good.

Poor Nicehair is a little bit clumsy.

But he's silent like a fish.
You can trust him.

Look what my colleague
brought me from Denmark.

The little sadist's case,
with all the instructions. You'll see!

Did you understand? Giannetti's wife.

- She cheats on him!
- It seems like a long thing.

- We can't wait all night.
- Silence.

Let's see if we can get
to the other window.

Wait.

- God.
- My head.

- Hold my hand.
- I'll take my shoes off.

That would be better.

Mary of Cerignola, protect us.

Damn!

Onofrio!

What game do we want to play?

- Andrea, hold me.
- Yes.

- Hold me.
- What are you doing?

Hold me.

One moment.

What's all that noise?

Splendid, it gives me goosebumps.
It's the night of the werewolf.

Now, I will eat you in a bite.

Eat me.

Did it hurt you?

- Let's go.
- Go ahead, because I feel like laughing.

- Come.
- Careful.

My god.

Don't be scared.

Hold me.

- Did you pass?
- Yes, wait.

Now?

- I can pass. Can you hold me?
- Give me your hand.

- Is the foot there?
- Yes. Move.

- I was about to slip.
- Come on.

- Oh my!
- No, not my pants!

- God!
- No!

I'm dying.

- Where are you? Are you there?
- Yes.

Now, I'll scare you.

Did I scare you? Fake being scared.

Like this, excellent.

Good. Like this! Terrified!

This is a little bit
like Little Red Riding Hood.

What will the wolf do to you now?
What will he do?

You'll see what happens.

One moment, dear.

THE PERFECT SADOMASOCHIST

Hey!

Do you also like that kind of stuff?

You're not much better, you know?

You go first.

You turned left?

- What is it?
- I can't open it.

- You try.
- Yes, carefully.

- What is it?
- The…

Sorry.

Stop it. If not, we'll die of laughter.

What is he doing?

What a beautiful mouth you have!

To eat you better.

What beautiful hands you have!

To beat you better.

What a nice ass you have!

- Set her free.
- How dare you?

- Don't you know who I am?
- You're the Big Bad Wolf.

- Get him.
- Let go of me.

I work for the minister.
You don't know what you're doing!

You know what you've done.
You kidnapped her and tried to rape her.

To count the years you'll spend
in prison, you'll need a calculator!

They went away. Now, you can scream.

- What is it?
- What?

I'm cold, I'm tired,
I'm hungry, and I'm scared!

- I'm hungry!
- Do you have to scream like that?

- Yes!
- Yes?

- You can just say, "I'm hungry."
- I did say that.

We'll find something now,
it's not a big problem, right? Here.

There must be some food.

So here we have some soy sauce.

Tartare sauce.
Some tomato paste, pickled vegetables…

I will beat you with this
if you don't stop being a jerk!

- Where are you going?
- To the bathroom, if you don't mind.

No, go ahead.

- In front of you?
- Are you shy? We're men.

What is it?

Out.

"I'm hungry."
As if I'm not. You, shut up.

I'll give you some good news.

In half an hour, the stores will open
and we can get whatever we want.

We'll have a feast.

Listen, do you have any money on you?

Since we were in a hurry,
I left my wallet at home.

- I have good news, dear!
- Yes.

I don't have a dime.
I lost everything when the car exploded.

The car. My wife will kill me!

I don't want to mess things up, you know.

Cavicchioni! Cavicchioni.

There's no numbers?

It's broken.

- Who is it?
- You're letting a girl go.

I don't have anything against you.

But if you get involved,
I'll have to kill you too.

Dumbass bitch, who do you want to--

I'm not scared of you.
Let me go, I'm busy.

Too bad for you.

The police arriving saved you this time,

but I have
a special way to kill you in mind.

I'll play with you,
like the cat plays with the mouse.

Listen, Doctor Cat-Mouse,

I'm Chief Nicehair.

- Hurry, we have to run!
- What is it?

- Let's go.
- You said this was a safe place!

- If I say to go, let's go!
- I can't go around like this!

Here. Put this on.

My shoe!

- It's him.
- Who?

- The killer! Get in.
- Yes.

You ugly criminal!
You wanted to scare me, right?

- Leave that girl alone!
- I was only calling.

I know you were calling.
Disgraced assassin!

- I'll marry her for real!
- Who?

Your daughter.

You think I'm gonna let my daughter
marry a killer like you?

I don't have any daughters.

- Aren't you Patrizia's father?
- Who's Patrizia?

- Who are you?
- What do you care?

Go away, or I'll kill you.
I'll rip your guts out!

Andrea!

Stop! Please, take me to the police.
Thank you.

- Get out of the car, Andrea.
- Who are you?

What do you want?

Stay calm and don't make any sudden moves.

She's harmless
as long as you always say yes.

- Let's go back to the hospital.
- What hospital?

You won't believe that I or him--

- I think crazy asylums should close.
- Good. Let's go!

He's a liar. He invented everything
just to keep me prisoner.

He's bad. I'm mentally stable.

- Come, dear.
- Let go of me.

- Don't worry, come.
- I promise!

- He's the crazy one! He snatched me.
- Yes.

He took me to a bachelor house
with the undersecretary.

- Then the bomb exploded.
- Yes.

Little Red Riding Hood was there too.

- And the wolf.
- The wolf.

He doesn't care about that. Stay calm!

- You're in a hurry, right?
- Yes.

Go.

I swear you'll pay for this!

Good! Make a list,
I'll pay for it all later.

Let's go.

Out of my house!

- Elvira, listen--
- Out of here! Rascal!

Showing up at 7:30 in the morning
to ask for money.

And you even came here with a woman.

This woman is trans.

Oh, that's even better! You are a pervert.
Aren't you ashamed?

I've come to ask you for some money,

something to eat,
and some clothes for this poor guy.

Gianni, my husband is threatening me
with a gun! Gianni!

- Are you crazy?
- What's the police number?

It's 1-1-3, dear.

That car is mine! I'm a police officer!

It's useless.

- I see that you're very lucky as well.
- What does that mean?

You're a guy
that's even more unlucky than me.

I'm alone in this world.
You have such a family!

- Let's go.
- No. stop it!

Don't resist me
or I'm going to punch you, Andrea.

- I have a hard head. Let's go.
- No!

- Walk. We're going by bus.
- I can't run with these handcuffs!

We're not far.

There's a car. Wait!

It's him! Run!

This is impossible!

Oh God!

Come!

Virgin Mary!

The police, finally!

Fuck.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, sorry.
There are seats upfront.

What is it?

This man groped me.

How rude! Aren't you ashamed?
I caught you red-handed.

My hand isn't red, I put it here.

- Again!
- Are you touching my wife's ass?

I would never do that. I put my hand
on the butt on the dress!

It's as if I'm touching a poster.

- There isn't a wall down there!
- It's not my fault!

Now, my husband will beat you so much
that your face will swell up.

- Am I right, honey?
- Of course.

Really? Beat me up then!

- Come on!
- Are you sure it was him?

It seemed to me that it was him,
the guy with the horny face.

With his hand…

You think I'm scared of you?

Thank God that I need to get off,
otherwise I'd beat you up even more.

Did you see the headbutt
I gave him against his fist?

Thank you for defending me.

When someone's with me,
man, woman, or…

no one gets disrespected.

Let's go.

- Where are we going?
- Walk, Andrea!

Cavicchioni!

Come here.

Did you see? You and the lady
ended up on front page.

He is not a lady. He is a man, he's trans.

Sorry for the confusion.
Seeing her with all that…

you know, all that stuff on.
It confuses me.

- How do you think he did?
- A miracle.

He went to Lourdes,
and he jumped in the fountain.

Cavicchioni, I need to talk to you.
But not here.

- Let's go.
- What is written here?

- I'll tell you later.
- I can read, you know?

- No, Chief!
- Don't move.

You don't move, Chief! No.

- The car keys. No!
- Don't move.

- Chief!
- Stop it!

I'll see you at number 16 at 5:00.

- I'll see you at 5:00 at number 16.
- Chief!

How do I get back home?
You even took my money!

You call 1,700 lira money?

- You know what's good about you?
- What?

Nothing.

It's okay like this.

- Two cappuccino and two croissants.
- That's 1,800 lira.

- Right, 1,700?
- No, 1,800.

So, I'll buy only a croissant
and two cappuccino.

That's 1600.

20.000.000 LIRA
WANTED - INSPECTOR

What's happening?
I was eating my croissants!

- She was about to call the police.
- I'm hungry!

They just ran away.
If you catch them, the bounty is mine.

Son of a bitch!
Damn you and Cavicchioni!

Can't you see that there's no gasoline?
Let's call the police and let's end it.

Get out. Get out!

Give me a hand.

- Push!
- I can't do this anymore!

Push!

But…

My God!

- What?
- We disguise ourselves as garbage.

We'll stay here until the meeting tonight.

Okay.

- It's 1:00.
- It's lunchtime!

At this point, Abadjan is probably eating
with the ambassador.

Lucky him!

One time, I worked at the embassy.
They eat a lot!

Starters of every kind…
caviar, lobster.

I really don't like lobster.
Actually, I hate lobster.

With lemons, parsley, oil, and mayonnaise.

- Exactly how my mom did it.
- Your mom?

Yes.

- You didn't think I have a mom?
- Of course you do, I never said that.

She was a gorgeous woman.

Also you, for being a man, are…

Hey, are you scratching yourself?

- I can't scratch myself?
- Oh please!

Let's just lie and rest for a bit.

We need to stay lucid
at the embassy tonight.

Yes, so we can forget about the hunger.

You snore a lot! Turn, you're snoring.

Oh God, he found us!
The hand of steel!

Careful! Don't move!

What do we do?

You go first because you're a woman.

No, actually you are a man.

Let's jump together!

Andrea!

- They said yes. But--
- But?

But it's a peculiar place.

They fear strangers.
I had to say that you are gay.

Yes, or they would have asked questions!

I am one of your team,
and I have to pretend to be…

No, absolutely not!

- Hi!
- Hi!

Thank you. Pascal!

- Pascal!
- Oui.

- Room number 68.
- Thank you.

Have fun.

We are going to bed,
not to the movies!

- That's what I meant, dear.
- Jerk!

Why are you laughing?

You're not bad! You're talented.

Imagine if my son
and my wife could see me!

They would spit in my face.
What did you put in your…

head?

Sorry, a mosquito!

Why did this have to happen to me?

Calm down.

Son of a bitch,
do you not understand that he is a man?

He looks like a woman.
He is beautiful, but he is a man!

Do you want to sleep with a man?

You don't care?
You suck then. You're a pervert.

You've done so many bad things
in your life,

but now you are really hitting
rock bottom.

I would spit in your face. Calm down.
You sit here, you count up to 50 or 100.

Go there, don't worry.

Just don't look at him.
Actually, look at him, but as a man.

He's a friend of yours, a colleague.

You would never
sleep with a police officer.

Here. One, two, three, four.
I never slept with a man before.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I don't want to start now.

What a twist!

A message arrived
from the Swiss Secret Services.

Andrea Ritter, the witness
who was kidnapped by Chief Nicehair,

is not trans, but a woman.

And so?

In an investigation, nothing is by chance.
Every new discovery can be a lead.

- Lo Faro!
- Yes, sir.

Show me everything that we've got
to identify the killer.

Here it is.

"Two blonde wigs
were found at the crime scenes

in Paris and in Hamburg."

Okay, good.

"Three cigarette butts covered
in lipstick, Ol de Fascion by Revlon."

Old fashion by Revlon!

"Fake eyelash, vizon savage--"

- Vison sauvage!
- "A ciffon scarf."

- Ciffon?
- Ciffon.

- Chief…
- Chiffon! It's French!

The killer could be that woman,
Andrea Ritter.

Could be.

She's been seen running away
from the killer.

Exactly.
Maybe she could be an accomplice.

She's the only one of the three witnesses
who is still alive.

1898, 1899, 1900.

He's a man. Clear?

Sit down.

Relax a little bit,
You must be exhausted too.

Yes, but I don't sleep much.

I need just three or four hours.

- I'm not tired.
- It's 3:00.

The party is in five hours.

Yes.

Get naked.

I promise I won't touch you.

Between men…

I can't, stop!

- Why?
- "Why"?

Because I have to go to Cavicchioni!
It's late, I have to go to Cavicchioni.

This bothers me. Take a look.

- Don't answer the door to anyone.
- No.

Order for two, from starters to desserts.

- I don't care about the money..
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

LOVE LUCIANA
GO ON, ITALY

I thought that they caught you.

I want to see you instead of me.

- I walked from Piazza del Fante.
- You walked?

Don't you have my car?

- They stole it?
- Let's not go into details!

We'll talk about your car later.

- Is there any news?
- All bad news.

- Of course!
- Interpol is looking for him.

They've blocked the airports,
highways, train stations, and streets.

We're lucky they didn't block urinals too!

You can't go to the party
because you need an invitation.

Invitations are limited.
There's nothing you can do about it.

- I have a plan.
- Don't get too close!

- Stay there.
- I arrest him, I take him in.

- I get the bounty.
- And a medal.

- Maybe.
- But it'll be a Purple Heart!

Because I'll break your neck bone,
and then I'll kill you!

- Understand?
- Yes.

Since you don't want to help me,
I'm getting in trouble!

This is a good place. Safe, but--

Are you sleeping in there?

We need to go.

- Excuse me. Piss.
- I can't.

Do it, or they'll get suspect something.
Fake it.

He's got problems!
Who can get in the embassy?

The diplomats and the bodyguards,
the musicians, and the waiters.

And some extra waiters who serve food.

"And waiters that serve food."

Mr. and Mrs. Bruschi, Via Po Four.

- Anything to say about the killer?
- He has committed loads of crimes!

He killed a witness
by putting a bomb in his soup bowl.

It took three whole days
to put the body back together.

He looked like a puzzle!

- He looked like--
- A puzzle.

- A piece here, a piece there, blood.
- Cavicchioni, enough!

Holy Virgin!

- Hey!
- Get on the floor!

Son of a bitch! My new car!

The last witness was killed
with a bomb in their soup bowl.

- What will we eat now?
- I will have some toast made.

I will personally check them.
You can't be too careful!

- Did you eat everything already?
- Yes.

A chicken, steak for two,
salad, mushrooms, fruit.

When I was a kid,
I had typhus fever and yellow fever.

My stomach, my duodenum…

We are hungry, okay?
Make us some toast.

Right away.

- Ten slices of toast.
- Ten slices of toast?

- Ten normal, ten stuffed. Twenty.
- All right.

Is there a guy called
Pasquale Nicehair here?

- Yes, why?
- They want you on the phone.

- My name is Betsabea.
- Too bad for you.

- How rude!
- Whore!

Yes? Who is that?

I had warned you.
You could've saved yourself.

It is too late now,
unless you give me the girl.

Cuties, your food!

Oh my God!

If you weren't hungry,
you could've said that in a nicer way.

It's the police. Do you know this man?

Cream and chocolate for you.
Lemon and strawberry for you.

How much?

Mom, they took our ice cream!

This isn't pasta, but…

- Yes, it's true!
- Don't tell lies.

No one takes ice cream from children!
No one is that mean.

Yes, it's true!

I am tired!

Go rest if you want.
I will keep my eyes open.

Gentlemen. No, thank you.
The party will commence shortly.

Abadjan will arrive at the villa at 8:00.

He will get out of there
at midnight, alive. I said alive.

- The waiters?
- I have checked them all.

Each one of them must show
a badge to get in.

- The hitmen on the terrace?
- Ready.

I want microphones everywhere,
even on the cakes.

I want 12 more policemen
dressed as waiters.

- The orchestra?
- A rock band.

- I have checked them all.
- I don't want any trouble.

- Let's use the police band.
- They can only do marches!

It's better than a requiem!

What do we know about Nicehair
and the woman?

Nothing, Chief.

Andrea Ritter wants Nicehair
to take her to the party.

We will wait there.

Pasquale, wake up!

The party!

Since we survived, we should probably go.

Andrea, I thought about something.

Just go.
I have put you in too much danger already.

I do this because I get paid,
but you…

No! After what you made me go through!
No, I want to go to the end of this!

You don't think
about your career anymore?

Don't you think about me?

How long do you think
I can keep on hiding like this?

You said this too.

No, look. Come what may…

if it's written
that I have to die like this…

it is what it is!

- No one cares about me anyway.
- Or about me.

- I care about you.
- I care about you!

You know,
I wanted to tell you before but…

I know that you really
don't like the fact that I'm a…

I am…

All right, but…

a nice and masculine friendship
is possible between us.

Masculine?

Masculine? Masculine…

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine…

10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.

- Is it apricot?
- Strawberry.

- It's my lipstick.
- No!

- Yes, it's strawberry.
- Enough of this strawberry! No!

Bloody hell!
What did you make me do? Go away!

Pasquale, don't be a child!

Do you see this rock?
I will throw it at your head!

- What?
- Go away!

Pasquale, I must tell you something.

- Go away!
- Come here!

Listen. Do you want to understand?
Can you listen to me? I am a woman!

How can I make you understand? Read here.

Yes. My name is Andrea Maria Ritter.

I was born in Lugano, I am a woman.

I disguised as a transvestite
just to hide myself.

So I don't get killed!

You understand?

Yes, of course, I knew it.

Do you think l could fall for a man?

- You said, “fall"?
- I said, "fall"?

- Yes.
- Yes, I fell in love.

- It's a bad word? So?
- So, let's go.

- I'll go. Move, or we'll be late.
- I'm almost ready.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

- Mr. and Mrs. Bruschi Via Po Four?
- Yes.

Are you two going to the embassy tonight
to work as extra waiters?

- Yes. Why?
- We are here to pay you upfront.

- It's very nice of you.
- We don't mind!

- Can we?
- Of course.

- After you.
- Honey, who is it?

Two really nice people.

Don't worry, in two hours,
I'll send someone to free you.

What? It'll be done.

- Everything good?
- Yes, there are agents with dogs.

The entrances are being watched.

Search every suspect, without any regard.

Okay.

- Did you see someone?
- No. He isn't among them.

But almost every Italian policeman
is here.

Lo Cascio, Petruzzelli. Everyone's here.
Caccavale, De Simone. Everyone.

Where are you?

- Look who's here!
- Where?

Little Red Riding Hood,
next to the food. See her?

- Yes.
- Where is Cavicchioni?

Who's there?

- Excuse me, Excellency!
- My arm!

Music!

- Excuse me again.
- My leg!

Music!

We're ready.

Hurry up, people are waiting.

Cavicchioni!

- Are the side dishes arriving?
- I only have two hands!

Go faster!

- Is the strike is tomorrow?
- Tomorrow and the day after.

Tomorrow then.

Help!

I am very hungry.
Guess what I'm hungry for.

- Here in front of everybody?
- It's better.

Leg or breast?

- All three, you know?
- Pig!

Beautiful.

So?

Onofrio, what are you doing here?
You came back!

They took you away with the tow truck.

You've got to leave though.
it's full of policemen. Go home.

Hurry! They might recognize you.

No, thank you. I will do it myself.

Music!

Cavicchioni, I will send you
to San Vito instead of me!

Enough of this "San Vito"!

You're in trouble, big trouble!

- As usual!
- Everything was wrong.

- The murderer is a woman.
- A woman?

- Who?
- Who knows!

Caputo told me that
he heard it from Ventresca,

who heard it from Lo Faro.

Hurry up!

Would you wear a strawberry lipstick
and fake lashes?

- What are you talking about?
- I don't mean you.

These are the things that the murderer
left behind at the crime scene.

A strawberry lipstick.

- A strawberry lipstick.
- Yes, strawberry.

She kissed me. Then… Right!

It can't be,
because I'd get the phone calls!

He'd talk to me saying
that he wanted to kill us both.

Wait, no.

When the killer phoned me,
she wasn't there.

She was in the room,
she did the phone calls.

Bloody hell! I let a woman fool me.

But she's done tricking me now.
She took my gun!

Stop her! She's a murderer!

- Let go of me.
- Calm down.

- Let go of me.
- You wretched soul!

- You tricked me.
- What are you talking about?

I took your gun to defend myself.

I owe my life to an Italian waiter.

No, I'm a chief of the Italian police.

- Chief Nicehair.
- One of our best men in the police.

He will not go to San Vito anymore.

Wonderful, Nicehair!
I have always admired you.

I'm innocent! Why won't you believe me?

- There!
- No!

Enough! You got away eight times.
Fuck off, Abadjan!

One moment.

Dear Pasquale, why not?

I'd make you head of the police.

You'd have a mansion,
all the women that you want, and money.

Thank you, but I can't.

I have things to do here.
I need to find someone.

Is it important?

- Bye.
- Have a safe journey.

- Good job.
- Thank you.

Wait! Don't run. Where are you going?

Andrea!

Andrea! Open up, please.

Everything's been cleared up.
I want to apologize.

I knew that you weren't the murderer,
but Cavicchioni was sure of it.

He really convinced me.

Andrea, I was wrong. I'm always wrong!

Should I kill myself?

My wife is a whore,
my son is a jerk, and my dog is a pain.

I was being sincere at the park.

Andrea! You know, I--

How do you say it? I… I love you!

- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.