Vagenda Stories (2019) - full transcript

-He's cute.
-In the white cap?

-Yeah.
-Flirt.

-Give him the 3-second stare.
-How?

Look him in the eye for 3 seconds,
then look away.

-He'll come talk to you.
-That'll never work.

Look, I'll show you.

One, two,

three.

-Hi.
-Hey. This is Leila.

-What's your name?
-Sophie.

-Cool.
-Nice necklace.



-I got it in the war.
-Ah, okay.

Try it on that guy.

-He's way too short.
-You don't have to marry him.

One,

two,

three.

Oh fuck. Sorry.

I don't give a shit.
Keep going! Come on!

That was "Ohayo Baby"
by Tim and Puma Mimi.

Those two in bed are Leila and Beni.
They had a passionate night,

but that was eight years ago.

They've been together ever since
and it's not so passionate anymore,

but see for yourselves.
The movie's just begun.

We're late! Beni!



Do you know the way?

VAGENDA STORIES

Left.

Sweetie, this way!

This must be your sister.

Then we're all here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today
to celebrate love.

The love between Amanda and Dario.

Love is when two hearts beat as one.

Love is to share your dreams
with each other,

to honor each other,
respect each other,

and to accept each other.

Love is a tender bond,
never a shackle.

Love is passion and devotion.

Done already?

Sorry.

-What's your name, anyway?
-Snow White.

-Your real name?
-Why?

Wanna add me on Facebook
and pretend we'll see each other again?

Why was she promoted
to project head?

Yeah, why?

Because I work my ass off
for the company?

-We all work hard.
-Not just you.

Nora, this is her wedding.

I need a stiff drink.

-One of each!
-Excuse me, I was...

She looks like you, just older.

Does not!

I live in a VW bus now.

I want to buy one
and travel around Europe.

She's been saying that for 10 years.
It'll never happen.

Because he's been saying he'll come along
for 10 years, then never has time.

-It's my fault now?
-Isn't it?

Mommy!

-What are you doing here?
-I have to go to Milan. My big break!

You can't just bring her here!

-But I can't take her either.
-I'm working!

I'm sure Leila's sister
won't mind her hanging around.

-Are you kidding me?
-Sorry.

-Is that your child?
-What? No!

Okay, yes it is.
I'll be right back.

Then come help
me set up the beamer.

-Can you watch her?
-Hey!

Hi!

Your child?

-I don't have kids.
-Why don't you have kids?

-It hasn't happened yet.
-Aren't you 34 already?

-Yes, but...
-Goodness gracious!

Don't you know it's really tough after 30?

Then you hit a wall at 35,
and it might never happen!

-If you want a kid, you'd better hurry!
-I want one, but my boyfriend isn't ready.

If you want to get pregnant
you have to take folate.

-It's never the right time.
-I took tons of folate.

Look at me now!

-You have to give him an ultimatum.
-What?

-He won't dare leave you after ten years.
-Eight.

Eight years together and still
no children? Is he impotent?

-No!
-Who cares if you don't have kids?

-Our clocks are ticking.
-You said it!

Amanda started building
houses and castles very young.

Over the years,
they grew bigger and bigger.

Dario had his eyes on a career
as a professional soccer player,

but luckily for Amanda,
that didn't work out.

Amanda and Dario met at work.

Amanda knew right away

she wanted him to be her groom.

She always gets what she wants.

-She also gets what she doesn't want.
-What do you mean?

-We wish you both...
-She's drinking alcohol-free champagne.

-No!
-Oh yes.

You're pregnant!

-I wanted to catch the bouquet!
-Amanda!

Play! Play!

Mommy?

Don't you want me?

I...

Soon it'll be too late!

-I want a baby.
-I'm way too tired.

It gets tough after 30,
and it might never happen after 35.

Let me sleep.

Aren't you 34 already?

Darling,
you have to give him an ultimatum.

-He won't dare leave you after ten years.
-Our clocks are ticking.

Help, Mommy! I'm disappearing!

I don't have any time to waste!

-What is all this?
-I'm getting old!

I'll be 35 this year,
and the others said...

-Who cares what they say?
-Make him an ultimatum.

Look at me now!

We're making a baby right now!

-Or we break up.
-Can't we talk about this tomorrow?

Tomorrow? You've been saying
you'll fix that hole for 10 years!

Decide now: we have a baby,
or we break up.

Is he impotent after all?

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Mommy, Mommy!

I had a nightmare!

Tell me a story?

Once upon a time,
there was a princess

who lived all alone in a magical house.

She went out to play one day
and saw a frog.

She followed it into a dark scary forest.

And suddenly,

the frog jumped
right onto her face

and turned into an ugly frog-man.

And the belly of the princess
started to grow.

And when the frog saw her belly
he said he was going mushroom hunting

but he never returned.

So the princess went back into
her magical house,

and nine months later,
she had a baby.

And what happened to the frog-man?

Get lost!

-Listen to me!
-No, I don't need you! Just go!

Sweetie, just listen to me.

Go to her!

-No, I want you!
-I'd rather live alone than with you!

Being alone sucks.

You stay out of it!

-Me?
-Yes, you! Mind your business!

-Sorry.
-Listen to her!

Wanna grow old alone too?

I can still move the head a bit.

-It might be a while.
-What?

-What? No! It's coming today.
-I doubt that.

It's due today. It's coming out.

Surely there's a way
you could induce labor.

That's not a good idea.

The head
is nowhere near the pelvis.

Listen, for as long as I can remember,
I've wanted to build grand buildings.

There are only a handful of people
who get a chance to do that.

I've got that chance now.
That only happens once in a lifetime.

It's super important to me.

Surely not more important than
you're baby's health.

There are some things
you just can't force.

Can you at least tell me
when it's coming?

There are ways to speed things up.

-Oh, like what?
-Acupuncture.

-With needles?
-It doesn't hurt too much.

Is there another way?

Do some exercise,
take a warm bath or...

Crawling around works very well.

-Crawling around?
-Yes.

On all fours.

Like a baby.

Try it with me!

Well?

Oh, Leila!

How could I ever leave you!

-Oh, it's you guys.
-We're going swimming. Wanna come?

-Sorry, no.
-Please come along! I beg you!

-Beni's coming over.
-Why?

-To pick up his sofa.
-Did you get a new one yet?

No, then we'll have two
when he comes back.

Let's go!

-One second, Janelle.
-Come with us.

-So you'll miss him. Who cares?
-Boring!

Stop it, Janelle.
Come with us.

-Maybe you'll meet someone at the lake.
-I'll join you later.

Okay, bye!

-Promise?
-Yup.

Don't wait too long.

-From Mr Schlegel.
-Who's that?

-My new teacher!
-Oh yeah.

He's a stupid old poop.

-Janelle, that's not nice.
-It's true!

Why?

We're doing a play and I have to be
a tree.

That's not so bad. Go wash your hands.
We're going to eat soon.

-You're supposed to call him.
-Why? What did you do?

-Nothing! He wants to talk to you.
-How come?

Because you missed parent's night.

Some people work.
Stupid old poop!

Go wash your hands!

Oh yes!

-Sorry.
-Okay, that's everything.

Our house is filling up with this crap.

-What's wrong?
-Beni didn't "like" my photos.

-Maybe I should call him.
-No. Forget that idiot.

-You don't throw 8 years in the trash.
-That's exactly what you do.

Then you go into the next bar
and look for a new guy.

-That's how he did it.
-Did what?

His page says:
in a relationship with "blond nitwit."

No way.

-A girlfriend already?
-You split six months ago.

What a prick!

Her ex has a new girlfriend.

-Dating over 30 is war.
-That's right.

You have to conquer,
not mourn old defeats.

-So I look for a new guy?
-A better guy!

One who wants kids.

-And not after 10 years.
-Exactly. You can forget it after 35.

-That's in three weeks.
-What? Oh yeah, well...

You can't find a man who wants kids
in three weeks.

I got my ex
in just three seconds.

I, Leila Emilia Leona Tanner,

will become a mother.
I'll have a baby,

and a husband, and a cat!
Maybe even two!

And a house with a garden
and an apple tree!

I will start a family.

My own family!

I'll get pregnant before my 35th birthday.

Um, could ring this up?
I have to get back to the office.

Sure.

-What are you doing here?
-Having a drink.

-And you?
-I'm playing darts.

How's Beni?

You're not the only single in town.

-Piña Colada.
-Don't have that.

Then a beer.

-Janelle, put on some real clothes.
-These are real.

-No.
-Yes!

Here. Your dad.

Hi! When are you coming?

He wants to talk to you.

What?

Thanks for the warning.

-Want to go to Leila or get a sitter?
-What about Daddy?

He can't make it again.

That's okay.

Sweetie, I have to work.

Mama, I'm old enough
to stay home without a babysitter.

-Oh really?
-If there's a problem, I can call you.

-We are not doing that yet.
-Daddy would support the idea.

Daddy should support me a little more.

-He does.
-He doesn't.

He does, you're just ungrateful.

Wow.
Did he say that?

-There's better selection in the city.
-And more psychos.

Oh, is she too scared
to go to the city alone?

Cluck, cluck, cluck...

I am not.
I party in the city all the time.

-Then go ahead.
-No, you go.

-I'm going, you're staying.
-Don't tell me what to do.

-Then go! Chop-chop!
-Okay.

-Go!
-You go!

-I'm going, you're staying!
-I'm going!

Then go!

-Maybe I'll go tomorrow.
-I'm going now.

Wanna come with me?

-What you up to?
-Going out.

Where to?

The city.
Why? What are you up to?

-Working. Reto cancelled again.
-Do you need me?

-You're so dumb!
-What?

-Not you.
-I'll call this new service.

-But I could...
-No.

Arthur's mom said they're great.

-Have fun clubbing.
-Thanks.

Mommy, I want you to read to me!

I have to go, sweetie.

The babysitter can read to you
if you ask nicely.

Hello!

You ordered a babysitter?

A friend recommended the service,
but is it a stripper thing?

Because I need a babysitter.

No, the service belongs to my mom.
It was such short notice,

we couldn't get anyone else.

You're good with kids?

What do you do if she starts

shaking and bleeding from her eyeballs
and all her teeth fall out?

I study medicine, but if she were to...

turn into a werewolf,
I'd take her to the hospital and call you.

Okay, come in.

Yes!

Sweetie! Come out!

Yes!

I'm waiting for you.

What are you doing?

Wilson and Partner.

Just a moment, please.

It's Wang. He wants to speak
to Amanda.

Give it to me.

Tanner.

Yes, I am 24.

If you want to, we can have
the presentation a little earlier.

On the 18th would be perfect.

Sure, my assistant will send you
a confirmation.

-What did you do?
-I rescheduled the presentation.

Amanda's presentation?

If she's still pregnant, I'll take over,
and she can forget managing the project!

You're such a beast!

-That's a brothel.
-No it's not.

Ah, Leila? Is that you?

-Yes?
-Holy moly, it's me! Tina.

She used to be my babysitter.

Tina?

Oh, wow!
You're all grown up.

Whasabi?

-What are you up to?
-We're going to "Futy".

The Future!

-It's a club.
-Of course it is, totally.

-We're going there too!
-Really?

-Yeah!
-Then let's roll.

Yeah. Cool.

-Out of the way!
-Fuck you, you troll!

What a blockhead!

What?

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
MEET PEOPLE IN ALL THIS NOISE?

WITH THE 3-SECOND STARE.

Come on out, sweetie.

You wouldn't want to ruin
mommy's career, right?

30+

You're gonna need a whole lotta alcohol
to get that off.

... then she goes up to this homeless guy
and gives him a bite.

I have a confession to make.

I am a stripper.

I'm kidding!

I think it's so Gucci
that you can still party at your age.

I hope we stay that dope.

-"At your age"?
-Yeah!

She's over 30!

-Why'd he make that sound?
-No clue.

It's 9:00 a.m., and this is Radio Hangover
with your dating report.

No intercourse took place.

The dating situation
is still touch and go.

You're too old for clubs.
You listening, Leila?

Try 30+ parties
or speed dating.

Relax...

-And let your breath flow.
-We have to go soon.

I have to let my breath flow.

While you exhale

relax even more.

-You parents are waiting for us.
-I have to let go.

-What?
-That's how it is with babies.

They come when
they're good and ready.

Smile within.

If the baby would just come,
then the meeting

wouldn't be an issue.

Amanda.

-Of course you don't get it.
-Hi!

You might feel differently
when you hold your baby.

Of coarse... Not!

Hi!

What are you up to?

Hi!

-Did you pay for that?
-Not a lot.

It's taking advantage
of desperate singles.

Go on Tinder. I heard it's free.

-Mom, Tinder is for sex.
-So?

-What are you doing?
-Inducing labor.

-There's a tea for that.
-Does it help?

My customers swear by acupuncture.

ZERO PARTNER MATCHES

Bye-bye!

-Mommy, is that babysitter coming back?
-Why?

His bedtime story
is way better than yours.

-How does his story go?
-The princess kisses a frog.

Then the frog turns into a prince.

Then they live together
happily ever after.

And the princess isn't alone anymore.

She's not alone,
she has her baby.

Yeah, but the baby
will grow up and move out.

Yeah, that's true.

Thanks for waiting so long.
I totally forgot.

No problem.
I'm glad you made it.

-I work at a circus.
-Really?

No, but it sounds exciting.

I work at a bank, and you?

-I work in retail.
-Cool.

-For how long?
-A few years.

I wanted to be a travel agent...

You asshole!
Who's this slut?

-Leila, this is Maria.
-I don't give a shit!

I never want to see you again, got it!

You prefer her over me?

You bastard! Fuck you!

-My ex.
-Crazy.

It's not easy to find a partner
at our age.

You're telling me!

Women over 30
just want your sperm!

If you're not careful,

a hole in a condom can turn a one
night stand into committed relationship.

My ex was supposed to be
a one night stand.

Then we were together for 10 years.

-May I say something?
-That I shouldn't talk about my ex?

No, that's fine.

But if you lost 4 or 5 kilos,
and changed your makeup,

you'd go from a 6 to an 8.

Don't get me wrong.
You just need some style.

-Hey, where you going?
-I'm leaving.

What, no blowjob?

Keep breathing normally.

Ready for the next one?

Yup.

Relax.

How can I relax
when I'm being tortured?

You just have to be patient.

But I'm not patient.

Sex can also induce labor.

Now you tell me!

-Daddy, daddy!
-Hey!

What are you doing here?

I thought we'd have a barbeque,

and then see a movie.
What do you say?

Yeah! Mommy, can I go?

-Go inside and pack your bag.
-Okay.

I'll bring her in the morning.

You can't do this whenever
you feel like it.

You say I don't see her enough.

-Now I'm not supposed to do this?
-I have plans too.

-You only think about yourself.
-I thought I'd be a surprise.

-Just hold up your side of the deal.
-Should I go?

-Bye!
-Hey!

-Bye!
-Bye, have fun.

Thanks.

-The music's not bad for a 30+ party.
-Yeah, hopefully there are some cool guys.

Oh God!

I'll get some drinks.

You're young.

So are you.

-You come here often?
-My first time.

-You?
-Every week.

-Really?
-No!

-There's only dumb cocktails.
-Thanks.

This is...

Manuel.

-Leila, and this is...
-Cinderella.

I just moved here and thought
if I go to a 30+ party

-I'd meet people my age, but...
-You should try a normal party.

-But then I'd be the old geezer.
-You're right.

Are you okay?

Restroom.

Where's Leila?

Either in the restroom
or she ditched me.

You're not sure which?

-It's not always easy to tell.
-Did she say: Yawn, I've gotta run!

Or did she say:
Pardon me, I'll be right back?

-Somewhere in between.
-She ditched you.

Yeah?

I lost to a sea of old geezers.

-It's the shirt.
-What?

-It's an old man shirt.
-No it's not!

-Hey, beautiful. What's your name?
-Cinderella, and I'm leaving.

Stay!

It's not midnight yet.

Oh no! Am I too heavy?

-What is it?
-Maybe you're a little heavy.

Then come here.

-Yeah? Maybe like this?
-Like this?

This isn't working.

-From behind?
-No.

Yes! You can crawl
and have sex at the same time!

So, what are your dreams?

You know, I'm a Hollywood star.

I was in Homeland.
I'm Alireza Bayram,

the actor.

I've been in lots of Tatort episodes.

Maybe you saw me in
the Hamburg Tatort,

or the Frankfurt Tatort,
or the Frankish Tatort.

I went to Cannes with a film...

I was in The Undertaker,
with Reto Stalder.

Oh, great.

It is cool,
but all that success, all that fame...

It doesn't actually mean that much to me.

That kind of jet set life
can be pretty lonely.

Wait, I can't say it.
It's too embarrassing.

What?

I want a family.
I'd love to have a house in the country.

With a wife
and a few animals, you know?

I'd really like that too.

Really?
I thought it was square.

Not at all.
Well, maybe a little.

-I'd love to have two cats.
-I'd love two cats, too!

-No way?
-Yeah, cats, ducks, everything!

A garden, an apple tree.

And a child?

Or two!
Or three or four.

We'd better hurry up!

And the Oscar goes to...

Alireza Bayram!

Thank you.

-Hey, what are you doing?
-I'm leaving.

-What?
-What do mean "what"?

You thought I was serious?

But I thought...

-But we both want square.
-Oh no!

You old bags are so desperate.

I'm not old!

Oh please.

Hey, what the hell?

You're making me a baby!

You can fuck off afterwards,
but we're gonna screw

without your fucking "Ali-Safe Rubbers"!

You're totally nuts!

Give me your juice!

There's none left!
Really!

I'm next in line to have a baby!

I'm next in line to have a baby!

I'm next in line to have a baby!

I'm next in line to have a baby!

I'm next in line to have a baby!

You hear me?

I don't need a man!
I just want a fucking baby!

Hey! Some people sleep!

Fuck you, you blockhead!

You have to go!
Get up!

Good morning.

Go out the window!
No, just stay there and be quiet.

Thanks, bye!

-Can we talk?
-Now?

-Yes, it's important.
-What?

-I got a job in New York.
-Are you going to take it?

-I already did.
-Great.

-When do you leave?
-Next week?

-What about Janelle?
-She can spend vacations with me.

I'll be back by Christmas anyway.

Did you tell her yet?

Then tell her!

-Could you maybe do that?
-Sure.

-How about being happy for me?
-How about you kiss my ass!

Wow, that's nice.
Can you eat it?

Yes, or kiss it.

-And then it turns into a prince?
-No, it's just a symbol.

-From a fairy tale.
-Go to your room.

-But...
-No talking to strangers.

-But he's...
-Now!

Oh man!

This is really strange...

-I know your daughter.
-What? How?

I'm her teacher.

You're Mr Schlegel?

Yup.

Fuck.

I had sex all night long,

my nipples are sore
from all the stimulation...

I don't have an ounce of patience left!
Get it out of there!

You're not that overdue.
It's unnecessary.

If you won't,
I'll have the next butcher cut it out!

No, that was a joke.

Transfer me into the university clinic.

You're hilarious.

I'm serious!
I want to go to the clinic!

If you insist,
we can do the cesarean.

Yes!

Yes, I insist.

He only comes when he feels like it,
and he's still the hero.

It drives me crazy.

What's that?

It shows you what days you're fertile.

Nobody wants that in a gift basket.

-Can you take Janelle tonight?
-So you can date the teacher?

I have to work.

And I'm not going to date him.

You said he was so good.

Yeah, but if it doesn't work out,
Janelle would still be in his class.

Can I have him back then?

-Can you take Janelle or not?
-No.

-Why are you so bitchy?
-I'm not bitchy! I have plans.

What kind of plans?

-Speed dating.
-Speed dating?

If you'd stop stealing all the good men,

I could babysit
instead of doing that crap!

You ditched him
and left with another guy.

I only ran off because
you gave me such a stiff drink!

And the other guy was a weirdo.

You want the teacher's number?

Nemo...?

Yes, like the fish.

When you take care of him,
text me every time you give him a bottle.

I have to pump at the same time
so my breasts stay in sync.

You sure you want
to go back to work next week?

-Why do you ask?
-He's still so tiny.

If the man goes back to work
the same day, nobody says

"he's still so tiny."
But if a woman does she's a bad mother.

If he goes back to work the same day,
he's a bad father.

What are you saying?

Emancipation isn't about doing
all the shitty things men do.

What do you know about emancipation?

Okay...

Is Daddy gone?

Sorry, but you're the one doing
under-paid, dead-end women's work.

So?
Not everybody wants a career.

Then what do you want?
Just to marry some dope?

I hate men.

-Since when?
-Since now.

Then why go to speed dating?

Because I want a baby.

-You want to get impregnated?
-Maybe I'll find Mr Right there.

That goes quickly at our age.

Plus Sophie's a single mom, too.

And she's certainly emancipated.

-That's why you want a baby?
-No.

Then why?

Because everybody has one.

-It's just what you do.
-Says who?

You're so 1990.

If it were up to me,
I wouldn't have had a baby.

Well, you've got one now.
I'm going.

Leila.

-What?
-Nemo.

Hello, this is Sophie.

Janelle's mother.

Do you think you could look after Janelle
because I have to work and...

Okay. Then get well soon.

Bye. Thanks.

FOLATE
OVULATION TEST

FERTILITY BEGINS IN TWO DAYS

I'm a social media
web content assistant manager adviser.

-And you?
-MTB.

-Mountain bike?
-No!

Mother to be.

I like to ride bikes and go hiking.

Sometimes I do both at once.
I go on cycling trips.

You could join me.

How tall are you?

-5'4".
-Tall!

-No, I'm not.
-Too tall.

-It's the European average.
-He's tall, she's tall...

5'4" isn't tall.
My granny was way shorter.

You're just short!

YES-MAN

Do you have sex
on first dates?

-Yes.
-Yes?

Yes. Now?

-In two days?
-Yes.

-I mean, if we...
-Yes.

My mother told me to watch out
for girls like you.

-Don't believe your mom.
-That's what my Dad says too.

I'd love to arrange a date,
but I'm a little complicated.

I have tons of phobias:

claustrophobia, arachnophobia,
it's-over-phobia, birds phobia...

-Thanks for filling in.
-No problem.

-I really need a new babysitter.
-I like babysitting her.

-I'll get going.
-You can stay over if you want.

It's a pull-out sofa.

Usually I don't see a guy more than once.

You're her teacher.

I don't want Janelle getting close
to someone who just takes off.

I won't take off.

You'll have to prove that.

How does it pull out?

I apologize for being late,

and for my assistant.

She's a little gaga.

She must really love that chair.

Yes. My apologies.

We can hardly wait to show you

the changes we've made.

I hope you agree to continue in English
so my colleague can also understand us.

Sure.

Would you be so kind
to get our guests some tea?

Go make tea.

Leila?

-Do we know each other?
-The 30+ party?

Ah. The teacher.

Right. Manuel.

Are you looking for anything
in particular?

Yes, um. You.
I came to see you.

Sophie says you're her best friend.

-I'm going to propose to her.
-What?

But you just met.

She wants me to prove I'm serious.
What's more serious than a proposal?

Anyway, I hoped
you would help me.

-Just get her to go to the lake.
-Sounds romantic.

-Too romantic?
-No!

It's perfect.

Good.

That one's nice.

That one?

-Red for love.
-Isn't it a bit much?

Do I know her better or do you?
May we see it?

Thanks.

-Should I try it on?
-No, that's okay.

I have the same ring size as Sophie.

Well?

Yes!

Okay.

I'll take that one.

Thanks.

I can hold on to it for you.
We wouldn't want her to find it.

-But don't lose it.
-Of course not.

Yes, I do.

I'm running late.

I packed everything we talked about.

I left the stroller out front,
but the Babybjörn is much better.

-Look who's here!
-Hello, Nemo!

-Is it real?
-I'm helping Sophie's boyfriend propose.

-By wearing the ring? That's bad luck.
-I was just looking at it.

-How was speed dating?
-Good.

Almost all of them said yes.

Those kinds of guys
say yes to anything.

But single women over 30 are no different.

-I'm single and over 30.
-I don't mean you.

-You don't know what it's like.
-I'd be fine alone.

-Because you love your job.
-Because I'm independent.

If you're so independent,
take care of your kid.

Don't be silly.
I have enough stress.

That bitch at work is driving me crazy,

and the client didn't like
the presentation

because there were no birds or trees.

I have to go to the other site because
they can't do anything on their own.

But do you think I...

Leila?

Do the cladding first,
and make sure it's flush.

-They want some kids playing, too.
-Kids? Where?

On the model, so it looks more lively.

What was that?

What's taking the plasterer so long...

Oh no.
The wall is 20 centimeters off.

-The ventilation won't fit.
-I don't fucking believe it!

-You brought the baby?
-My babysitter cancelled, it'll be fine.

Mr Tiezentanner, the client wants kids
playing on the model, can you do that?

Great. Thanks.

I know you don't want Nora's help, but
maybe this is a little too much for you.

-No, it's not a problem.
-Your son is only young once.

Stay home if you can't get a sitter.

Don't you know how dangerous
a construction site is?

At least go to the office.

-Don't you have work to do?
-Go unload the sacks.

-What's going on with the teacher?
-Nothing.

What do you think's going on?

Are you together?

Maybe.

He came by my shop.

-What? Why?
-He wanted to...

Oh! My date!

You don't exercise much, huh?

He thinks you're fat.

How about we just screw?

Sex before marriage
is out of the question.

-It's nice here.
-Yes.

He always says yes.

Want to help me put together
a 5,000-piece puzzle?

-Yes.
-See?

I'm all sweaty.

You too?

-Yes.
-Wanna take a shower with me?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Call Amanda.

You're reached the mailbox of...

Pardon me, Mrs Tanner.
Your husband had a bottle accident.

They all spilled. He tried powdered milk,
but Nemo won't drink it.

They're waiting for you outside.

Okay.

-It won't take long.
-Okay.

-The bottles...
-I know.

-Just one?
-That's all I've got.

-Nurse him now so I can use this later.
-I'm working.

-It's not nearly enough!
-I can't. I'm in a meeting.

-Just do me this favor.
-Mix it with powdered milk.

He won't notice.

How would you know what he notices?

-What are you doing?
-Practicing being a tree for the play.

-Would you rather go play with Lea?
-Lea is dumb.

Why?

She brags about being the fairy
in the play.

-You'd rather play the fairy?
-No, she just shouldn't brag about it.

-Let's make a key chain for Mr Schlegel.
-How come?

He might give you a bigger role
if you give him a gift.

Okay!

So?

Nothing yet.

Don't think I don't know what's going on.
Always looking at your phone...

-Want a little tip?
-Okay.

Financial independence is crucial
for women. Especially with a child.

It's the only thing I'm proud of.

But you've gotta work at it.
Otherwise, bam! You're 40,

with no job, no man, no kids,
no apartment.

-Yes.
-What?

I could see you in marketing.

Really?

If I get promoted to boss,
I'll put you in marketing.

Thanks.

Oh boy!

Now you're going too far!
Where will it end, Leila?

Just because
your biological clock is ticking,

doesn't mean you can steal sperm!

Surely there's another way
to have a baby!

That's all of it.
I'm empty.

Should I go food shopping after work?

My parents are taking Nemo tonight.

-Why?
-I have to go to that auction.

Then I can watch him.

I have to leave at 6:00 at the latest.

-If I cancel my parents, then...
-I'll be there at 6:00.

I promise.

Why would you rather be a fairy?
The tree is on stage the whole time.

-The fairy's only on stage a minute.
-I want to be a fairy anyway.

I'll be right back.

Want to help us fix the treehouse?

Don't you have plans with Leila?

-What's with you and Leila?
-Nothing, I just thought...

Never mind.
I have some things to do at school.

Thanks for breakfast.

Bye.

Hi.

Hey.

Do you have the ring?

Where's Sophie?

-She's not coming, I'm afraid.
-Why not?

-She wanted to do something else.
-Fix the treehouse?

-Yes.
-Couldn't you convince her?

No.

Then I told her
that you wanted to propose.

She didn't want to come.

It's just a little too much for her.

Hi !

Sophie.

-I knew something was going on!
-Sophie, hey!

What did you tell her?

Nothing.

Nothing. Sophie!

-Fuck off!
-Let me explain!

I never should've let you in my life!

-Sophie, listen to me!
-I don't want to hear it!

-I wanted to...
-I don't care!

It's not what it looks like!

-I wanted to...
-This was a mistake!

You're just like all the rest!

And you know what else?

-You're a piece of shit!
-Mama?

Do I have to be a tree now?

No, if you want to be a fairy,
you'll be a fairy.

And Janelle is a fairy,
not a tree!

That's right! I'm a fairy!
Not a stupid tree!

I lost my client.

-What happened?
-I missed the auction!

I'm sorry, I totally forgot.

"I, I, I..."

-What was I supposed to do?
-Be here at 6:00!

He hardly knows you.

That's not fair.

-Is me losing my job fair?
-It's one client.

-My only client!
-I earn enough.

-It's not about that!
-Then look for another.

You'll be looking for another soon.

This is not how I imagined marketing.

-Keep waving and don't forget to smile.
-No one can see that.

-It affects the way you wave.
-It doesn't affect shit.

Just because your mom's my boss
doesn't mean you can tell me what to do!

Leila?

-What are you doing?
-I was about to ask you the same.

-I'm working on my career.
-As a duck?

-It's marketing.
-It's crap!

-What do you want?
-To say happy birthday.

-Thanks.
-You were right, you know.

-That's not allowed.
-Shut up!

I know it's not always easy for you,
but...

Leila!

Oh no.
Who's that?

-Give me the ring.
-I already gave it to you.

-The box was empty, you lunatic!
-Don't insult my sister!

You could've at least told Sophie
the truth!

That's Sophie's boyfriend?

Her ex-boyfriend, thanks to your sister.

-What did you do?
-I saw him first.

-I saw you first!
-Hey, the costume!

-Shut up!
-Leila!

Get a room!

Surprise!

You brought your new girlfriend here?

I only came for my sofa.

-And who are you guys?
-Your neighbors.

Blow the candles out before
wax drips on the cake.

I have to go to the bathroom.

OVULATION OVER

Damn.

Can I come in?

Want me to send them away?

You're pregnant!

That explains everything!

-Your hormones go crazy in the...
-I'm not pregnant!

I'm 35.

Having children isn't everything.

I'm going to die sad and alone.

There are some things
you just can't force.

You can take care of Nemo anytime.

It's not the same!

-I always have to give him back.
-You can keep him if you want.

I'll buy a VW bus
and drive to the seaside.

Due to deconstruction the daylight
is coming in from all these parts.

Here, here and here.

As daylight helps children
to stay focused.

NEMO WON'T STOP CRYING.
GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.

So it's good for children, right?

Amanda?

Yes, as children should be our first
concern

we thought it's worth adding...

Is everything all right?

Da, I'm sorry.

You okay?

Nemo is sick.

Nora can fill in if you need to go.

You called?

No, it's fine.

Here we are.

So we thought

adding this glass roof construction
to the all draft.

-You charge 12 franks an hour?
-Yes, I still have my pension.

When did you last babysit?

That was in my old gingerbread house.

Yes, two children came to me.

A boy and a girl.

They were delicious!

What's wrong with him?

Just a trapped fart.

-That's it?
-Yup. That happens.

It was just a fart!

So much noise for such a little fart!

I'll call you.

You're interviewing young ones?

You could've said something!

Always these young things
taking our jobs.

He was going to propose.

It's ugly.

I'm really sorry.

Me too.

-It was a fart!
-How was I supposed to know?

My mobile was off!

-Don't shush me.
-You have to reduce your workload.

Because my son farted?

I've told you a thousand times!
I can't!

Then work from home!
Everybody's doing it.

-Nora could...
-Nora? Not that stupid cow!

I'm not a stupid cow.

Get out!
-Not so angry.

Is the project
more important than your family?

FOR SALE!

I have a question.

Will you propose to me?

You've got it all wrong.

The one with the ring asks:
Will you marry me?

Anyway,
I thought I was a piece of shit.

No, you're all right.

Okay.

This is how it's done.
Get down on one knee...

Will you...

-Yes.
-No.

Yes! Just give me the ring.

-It's too small.
-That's okay, it's ugly anyway.

Don't you miss him?
I see him every day.

I meant Dario.

He's the one who left me.

Because all you do is work.

That's not true at all.

I just wanted a different kind of life
than what you and Mom had.

-What kind of life?
-I didn't want a child, but he did.

So we agreed he'd take care of it.

Suddenly it falls apart,
and everybody's blaming me.

Did you know that most relationships fail
after having a baby?

50% of divorces
are couples with young children.

40% of them have children
under one year old.

Let's go, Nemo!

So, Nemo...

Nemo is such a stupid name,
but that's okay.

Oh shit!

-The housing market will never recover...
-Where's Leila?

-Right there.
-Leila?

Leila?

-Where is he?
-She took him.

-Weren't you watching him?
-We were all here.

And Leila said she'd watch him.

Her apartment is empty.
The neighbors say she moved out.

We need to call the police.

What did I do wrong?

-Maybe she's taking a walk with him.
-She's kidnapped my son!

The VW bus.

There was a blue
VW bus out there before.

I bet you're happy now.

Excuse me?

-He's my son, too!
-Oh really?

Just because I won't sacrifice my life,

doesn't mean I don't love him
more than anything!

Hello, my name is Tanner.
I'd like to report a kidnapping.

No, I didn't kidnap anyone.

My daughter stole the son
of my other daughter.

-Not stolen, kidnapped!
-Be quiet.

Maybe I could work from home after all.

I could work in my PJs.

You wouldn't have to take
the crowded bus.

I'd be home when they
deliver packages.

We could have lunch together.

That'd be nice.

Yes?

They found them.
Where are they?

-How is he?
-Put it on speaker!

They're both fine. We arrested
your sister-in-law at the border.

She resisted, but no one was hurt.

Everybody has a kid.
No, I don't want one.

I do.
Give him an ultimatum.

No!
Don't listen to the others.

You think I could roll down the window?

When do I hit that wall?
Wait, I already have!

Nope. No way.

Keep him if you want.

You lunatic.

Yeah, that's what she says.

Hit the wall!

Holy moly Leila!

What have you done?

Who would've thought
it would end this way?

-Not me.
-No, I didn't think so either.

It's not easy, I'll admit,
but you took it way too far.

I'm signing off.
Thanks for watching.

One...

Two...

Three.