Vagabond Loafers (1949) - full transcript
The stooges are the "Day and Night" plumbers. Called out to a fancy mansion where a society party is going on, they cross the electrical and water systems and generally ruin the place. Despite their incompetent plumbing, they save the day by recovering a painting stolen by a pair of thieves masquerading as party guests.
[♪]
At last we own
a van Brocklyn.
Oh, Walter,
I'm so thrilled.
Isn't it simply
exquisite?
It ought to be,
it cost $50,000.
Van Brocklyn,
what a genius.
And just think,
the poor man died in poverty.
He only died
in poverty,
from now on,
I'll have to live in it.
Oh, now, Walter,
don't spoil everything.
Run along and change,
dear, like a good boy,
our guests will be here
any minute.
Uh, beg pardon,
madam.
There's a leak
in the plumbing.
It's getting worse
every minute.
Oh, this
is dreadful, Wilkes.
How could I get a plumber
over here at this hour?
There's a new place
on Elm Street, madam.
The, uh,
Day and Nite Plumbers,
apparently they're on duty
24 hours a day.
Thank you, Wilkes,
I'll phone them at once.
[PHONE RINGS]
Nite and Day Plumbers.
What's that, madam?
A leak?
Yes. Yes.
Norfleet.
217 Linden Drive.
Now, don't worry
your pretty little head,
we'll be over
in two shakes of a martini.
Ha-ha, boy.
Our first case.
Oh!
Whoa.
Why, you--
[LAUGHS]
[GROWLS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
Come on, you slugs,
we're rolling.
[BOTH SNORING]
Oh, stubborn, eh?
Hey, come on, Shemp,
it's our first call.
Oh!
[ENGINE REVVING]
We gotta get
a longer jeep.
Hey, wait for me.
Mr. and Mrs. Allen,
so glad you could come.
We're simply dying
to see the van Brocklyn.
Well, I'll not
keep you waiting.
In the living room,
everybody.
Oh, Wilkes,
bring the cocktails.
Very good, madam.
[CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well?
Day and Nite Plumbers.
Yeah, come on, come on,
where's the leak?
I'm not the butler,
he's in there.
Well, lead on,
pal.
"Pal."
Oh, it's divine.
What color.
What detail.
And it's over
200 years old.
Every museum in the country
tried to buy it.
It's a masterpiece,
all right.
I congratulate you.
Thanks.
Mr. Allen.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, the plumbers
are looking for you.
In the drawing room?
They should have
come around the back way.
Thank you, sir.
Look here, you men.
Refreshments.
Thanks.
Ow!
[GROANS]
Oh, excuse me.
Of course.
How dare you come in here
and mingle with my guests.
Now, take it easy, lady,
don't blow a fuse--
Never mind,
give me that.
I'll take yours too.
The idea.
Now, you, give me
what you have in your hand.
Here.
Oh! Oh.
[GASPS]
Such impertinence.
Wilkes, get them out of here
and put them to work.
Yes, madam.
[IMITATING WOMAN]
Get them out of here
and put them to work.
You heard
what the gentleman said.
Please, please.
Here, here, here.
The leak's
in the basement.
Go on, go on.
It's practically fixed.
[CLANGING NOISILY]
They come in here
to fix and leak
and almost wreck the house,
the clumsy idiots.
[CLANGING]
[LOUD CRASH]
[GROANING]
[GRUNTING]
That's got it.
Yeah, it's just
a little soldering job.
Hold on to this
and don't let it slip.
Okay.
Get me that blowtorch.
[SHOUTING]
Oh.
Get my foot
outta there.
Okay.
Oh!
[LOUD BANGING]
Now, see what you did?
What?
Get outta here.
Ow.
Wait a minute.
We can't fix it
while it's leaking.
I wonder where
you shut the water off.
It must be upstairs.
Water always
runs downhill.
You're a very
intelligent imbecile.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Shut the water off!
All right.
Go on.
I'll get the knife.
Why, you--
Oh!
Wet, ain't it? Heh.
Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
[WATER RUNNING FAINTLY]
[LOUD CLANGING]
MAN:
Ow!
Sorry, buddy,
you'll have to
shut off that water.
I beg your pardon.
Come on, pal, or this
will run into overtime.
Come on.
What'd I say?
Never mind
what you say--
Who are you?
Who am I?
I'm the plumber.
Get outta here.
"Who am I," thats...
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, stubborn, eh?
Oh, it must be
a loose washer.
How do you like that?
I'll fix up another.
It's got to be
a loose washer,
or something.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Ah.
A great help you are.
That other chowder head
didn't shut the water off,
now you do it.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Where will I find
the valve?
That's your job,
you dummy.
Look in the kitchen,
look in the attic.
Look in the backyard.
All right,
all right.
I'll let the water
run out the window,
that's what I'll do.
Oh, yeah?
Hm.
[WHISPERING]
It's a real van Brocklyn,
all right.
Worth a fortune.
[WHISPERING]
Okay, we'll watch our chance.
I want you to meet
my husband.
Mr. and Mrs. Allen,
Mr. Norfleet.
Well, that's that.
[GRUMBLES]
I wonder where
those other lugs are.
All these pipes
are full of termites.
[SPUTTERING]
That's got it.
Now to get out.
Moe. Larry.
I'm trapped
by the rising water,
I'll be drowned
like a rat.
Oh, Moe!
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Now I'm using the old bean.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Success at last.
Just goes to show,
you don't have to have brains
to be a plumber.
[LAUGHING]
[SHOUTS]
What's the matter?
What's going on?
Oh, murder!
[LOUD CRASHING]
You dimwit.
What's the idea of dropping in
without a calling card?
Now look
what you went and done.
Go on, get another
length of pipe.
Go ahead.
[GRUNTING]
Hey, Moe?
No wonder
the water don't work.
These pipes are clogged up
with wires.
Look.
Well, yank 'em out
and we'll hook the pipes up
all over again.
You oyster brain,
go on.
All right.
No, we don't go in
for sculpture, too bulky.
We-- We--
Oh, dear.
Oh.
Is that--?
I--
Heh, heh. I--
White, all colors.
I thought--
[LOUD CRASHING]
Short circuit,
no doubt.
[QUIET CLATTERING]
[GRUNTING]
[WHIRRING]
That does it.
End of the line.
Okay.
We'll try and get
these pipes together
and everything
will be okey-dokey.
All right.
[POPPING]
This house
has sure gone crazy.
I never thought
I'd do it.
Success. Ha, ha.
I'll find this thing,
or else.
Dear me, I can't understand
what's holding up dinner.
Sorry, folks.
Dinner's postponed
on account of rain.
Well, I'm--
I'm sure it won't be long.
Shall we see what's on
the television set?
Uh, excellent.
Uh, excellent idea.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISPERS]
Now.
[GUESTS LAUGHING IN BACKGROUND]
It's the very latest set,
you know.
We get
the most amazing result.
MAN [ON TV]:
Good evening, friends.
Well, that's-- That's odd.
There's sound but no picture.
Our special feature tonight
will be glimpses
of scenic America.
First we take you
to Niagara Falls.
I-- I'll get it
in a minute.
Oh!
Oh, dear!
[GASPING]
Clarabelle.
You're all wet,
darling.
Oh, God. I--
I saw you television people!
It's realistic,
isn't it, darling?
[CRYING]
MR. ALLEN:
Never in my day.
Madam, shall I
get you some water?
No!
Oh-- Oh, my painting,
it's gone.
Nobody leaves the house.
Sorry, just a formality.
I'll call the police.
Who--?
[CHOKING]
Op-- Operator?
What--
[WHEEZES]
[GASPS]
You folks
going somewhere?
Just looking
for a drink of water.
Turn on anything,
you'll get it.
He's gone.
We can't make it out
that way.
We'll be searched.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They won't
find anything.
I'll slip the picture in here
till the excitement blows over.
Anything,
anything, hurry.
I'll get back to the rest
before we're missed.
Yeah, okay.
Give me that pipe,
I got you covered.
Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Whoa. Whoa.
Mrs. Norfleet,
the only strangers
in the house
are those plumbers.
They must have
taken your painting.
Of course.
Well, what are we
waiting for?
Let's go find them!
Thieves.
There's one of them.
Take it easy, folks.
I'm just a beginner.
Come,
follow me!
I'll take the damage
off the bill.
Take it easy.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Easy. Easy.
I'll take--
A hole in the floor like this
can be dangerous.
Oh!
All right, sonny boy,
the pipe.
Come and get it.
[SCREAMING]
Get up
outta there, you.
There.
There's the guy
that took your picture.
Where is it?
Where is it?
Stop it.
No guest of mine
would steal that painting.
Of course not,
this man's out of his head.
Drop that pipe.
If I took that picture,
may I be struck
by a bolt from the blue.
You heard me,
drop it.
[LOUD CLANGING]
There it is.
Look!
Wait a minute.
Stand back,
everybody.
Hey.
[COOK SCREAMS]
And if you wanna
keep on living,
count to a hundred
before you move.
One, two,
three--
Wilkes.
[SHOUTS]
[LOUD CRASHING]
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Get him up!
Get up,
bucket head.
Get that gun.
Easy--
I've got you.
Wilkes, call the police.
WILKES:
Police? Police, police.
What would you charge
to haunt a house?
How many rooms?
Huh? Quiet.
Look at me,
I got the other one.
Keep going, sister,
I'll knock your brains out.
Go ahead,
take her.
Oh, no you don't!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Stop it!
Come here!
The police
will take care of this.
Madam.
Here's your picture.
Oh.
My painting.
Name your reward
and you shall have it.
We don't want
no reward, lady.
What are you
saying?
You heard him,
we don't want
no more money.
No, it'll put us
in a higher tax bracket.
I'll bracket your head.
[LOUD CRASHING AND CLANGING]
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
At last we own
a van Brocklyn.
Oh, Walter,
I'm so thrilled.
Isn't it simply
exquisite?
It ought to be,
it cost $50,000.
Van Brocklyn,
what a genius.
And just think,
the poor man died in poverty.
He only died
in poverty,
from now on,
I'll have to live in it.
Oh, now, Walter,
don't spoil everything.
Run along and change,
dear, like a good boy,
our guests will be here
any minute.
Uh, beg pardon,
madam.
There's a leak
in the plumbing.
It's getting worse
every minute.
Oh, this
is dreadful, Wilkes.
How could I get a plumber
over here at this hour?
There's a new place
on Elm Street, madam.
The, uh,
Day and Nite Plumbers,
apparently they're on duty
24 hours a day.
Thank you, Wilkes,
I'll phone them at once.
[PHONE RINGS]
Nite and Day Plumbers.
What's that, madam?
A leak?
Yes. Yes.
Norfleet.
217 Linden Drive.
Now, don't worry
your pretty little head,
we'll be over
in two shakes of a martini.
Ha-ha, boy.
Our first case.
Oh!
Whoa.
Why, you--
[LAUGHS]
[GROWLS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
Come on, you slugs,
we're rolling.
[BOTH SNORING]
Oh, stubborn, eh?
Hey, come on, Shemp,
it's our first call.
Oh!
[ENGINE REVVING]
We gotta get
a longer jeep.
Hey, wait for me.
Mr. and Mrs. Allen,
so glad you could come.
We're simply dying
to see the van Brocklyn.
Well, I'll not
keep you waiting.
In the living room,
everybody.
Oh, Wilkes,
bring the cocktails.
Very good, madam.
[CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well?
Day and Nite Plumbers.
Yeah, come on, come on,
where's the leak?
I'm not the butler,
he's in there.
Well, lead on,
pal.
"Pal."
Oh, it's divine.
What color.
What detail.
And it's over
200 years old.
Every museum in the country
tried to buy it.
It's a masterpiece,
all right.
I congratulate you.
Thanks.
Mr. Allen.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, the plumbers
are looking for you.
In the drawing room?
They should have
come around the back way.
Thank you, sir.
Look here, you men.
Refreshments.
Thanks.
Ow!
[GROANS]
Oh, excuse me.
Of course.
How dare you come in here
and mingle with my guests.
Now, take it easy, lady,
don't blow a fuse--
Never mind,
give me that.
I'll take yours too.
The idea.
Now, you, give me
what you have in your hand.
Here.
Oh! Oh.
[GASPS]
Such impertinence.
Wilkes, get them out of here
and put them to work.
Yes, madam.
[IMITATING WOMAN]
Get them out of here
and put them to work.
You heard
what the gentleman said.
Please, please.
Here, here, here.
The leak's
in the basement.
Go on, go on.
It's practically fixed.
[CLANGING NOISILY]
They come in here
to fix and leak
and almost wreck the house,
the clumsy idiots.
[CLANGING]
[LOUD CRASH]
[GROANING]
[GRUNTING]
That's got it.
Yeah, it's just
a little soldering job.
Hold on to this
and don't let it slip.
Okay.
Get me that blowtorch.
[SHOUTING]
Oh.
Get my foot
outta there.
Okay.
Oh!
[LOUD BANGING]
Now, see what you did?
What?
Get outta here.
Ow.
Wait a minute.
We can't fix it
while it's leaking.
I wonder where
you shut the water off.
It must be upstairs.
Water always
runs downhill.
You're a very
intelligent imbecile.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Shut the water off!
All right.
Go on.
I'll get the knife.
Why, you--
Oh!
Wet, ain't it? Heh.
Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
[WATER RUNNING FAINTLY]
[LOUD CLANGING]
MAN:
Ow!
Sorry, buddy,
you'll have to
shut off that water.
I beg your pardon.
Come on, pal, or this
will run into overtime.
Come on.
What'd I say?
Never mind
what you say--
Who are you?
Who am I?
I'm the plumber.
Get outta here.
"Who am I," thats...
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, stubborn, eh?
Oh, it must be
a loose washer.
How do you like that?
I'll fix up another.
It's got to be
a loose washer,
or something.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Ah.
A great help you are.
That other chowder head
didn't shut the water off,
now you do it.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Where will I find
the valve?
That's your job,
you dummy.
Look in the kitchen,
look in the attic.
Look in the backyard.
All right,
all right.
I'll let the water
run out the window,
that's what I'll do.
Oh, yeah?
Hm.
[WHISPERING]
It's a real van Brocklyn,
all right.
Worth a fortune.
[WHISPERING]
Okay, we'll watch our chance.
I want you to meet
my husband.
Mr. and Mrs. Allen,
Mr. Norfleet.
Well, that's that.
[GRUMBLES]
I wonder where
those other lugs are.
All these pipes
are full of termites.
[SPUTTERING]
That's got it.
Now to get out.
Moe. Larry.
I'm trapped
by the rising water,
I'll be drowned
like a rat.
Oh, Moe!
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Now I'm using the old bean.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Success at last.
Just goes to show,
you don't have to have brains
to be a plumber.
[LAUGHING]
[SHOUTS]
What's the matter?
What's going on?
Oh, murder!
[LOUD CRASHING]
You dimwit.
What's the idea of dropping in
without a calling card?
Now look
what you went and done.
Go on, get another
length of pipe.
Go ahead.
[GRUNTING]
Hey, Moe?
No wonder
the water don't work.
These pipes are clogged up
with wires.
Look.
Well, yank 'em out
and we'll hook the pipes up
all over again.
You oyster brain,
go on.
All right.
No, we don't go in
for sculpture, too bulky.
We-- We--
Oh, dear.
Oh.
Is that--?
I--
Heh, heh. I--
White, all colors.
I thought--
[LOUD CRASHING]
Short circuit,
no doubt.
[QUIET CLATTERING]
[GRUNTING]
[WHIRRING]
That does it.
End of the line.
Okay.
We'll try and get
these pipes together
and everything
will be okey-dokey.
All right.
[POPPING]
This house
has sure gone crazy.
I never thought
I'd do it.
Success. Ha, ha.
I'll find this thing,
or else.
Dear me, I can't understand
what's holding up dinner.
Sorry, folks.
Dinner's postponed
on account of rain.
Well, I'm--
I'm sure it won't be long.
Shall we see what's on
the television set?
Uh, excellent.
Uh, excellent idea.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISPERS]
Now.
[GUESTS LAUGHING IN BACKGROUND]
It's the very latest set,
you know.
We get
the most amazing result.
MAN [ON TV]:
Good evening, friends.
Well, that's-- That's odd.
There's sound but no picture.
Our special feature tonight
will be glimpses
of scenic America.
First we take you
to Niagara Falls.
I-- I'll get it
in a minute.
Oh!
Oh, dear!
[GASPING]
Clarabelle.
You're all wet,
darling.
Oh, God. I--
I saw you television people!
It's realistic,
isn't it, darling?
[CRYING]
MR. ALLEN:
Never in my day.
Madam, shall I
get you some water?
No!
Oh-- Oh, my painting,
it's gone.
Nobody leaves the house.
Sorry, just a formality.
I'll call the police.
Who--?
[CHOKING]
Op-- Operator?
What--
[WHEEZES]
[GASPS]
You folks
going somewhere?
Just looking
for a drink of water.
Turn on anything,
you'll get it.
He's gone.
We can't make it out
that way.
We'll be searched.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They won't
find anything.
I'll slip the picture in here
till the excitement blows over.
Anything,
anything, hurry.
I'll get back to the rest
before we're missed.
Yeah, okay.
Give me that pipe,
I got you covered.
Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Whoa. Whoa.
Mrs. Norfleet,
the only strangers
in the house
are those plumbers.
They must have
taken your painting.
Of course.
Well, what are we
waiting for?
Let's go find them!
Thieves.
There's one of them.
Take it easy, folks.
I'm just a beginner.
Come,
follow me!
I'll take the damage
off the bill.
Take it easy.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Easy. Easy.
I'll take--
A hole in the floor like this
can be dangerous.
Oh!
All right, sonny boy,
the pipe.
Come and get it.
[SCREAMING]
Get up
outta there, you.
There.
There's the guy
that took your picture.
Where is it?
Where is it?
Stop it.
No guest of mine
would steal that painting.
Of course not,
this man's out of his head.
Drop that pipe.
If I took that picture,
may I be struck
by a bolt from the blue.
You heard me,
drop it.
[LOUD CLANGING]
There it is.
Look!
Wait a minute.
Stand back,
everybody.
Hey.
[COOK SCREAMS]
And if you wanna
keep on living,
count to a hundred
before you move.
One, two,
three--
Wilkes.
[SHOUTS]
[LOUD CRASHING]
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Get him up!
Get up,
bucket head.
Get that gun.
Easy--
I've got you.
Wilkes, call the police.
WILKES:
Police? Police, police.
What would you charge
to haunt a house?
How many rooms?
Huh? Quiet.
Look at me,
I got the other one.
Keep going, sister,
I'll knock your brains out.
Go ahead,
take her.
Oh, no you don't!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Stop it!
Come here!
The police
will take care of this.
Madam.
Here's your picture.
Oh.
My painting.
Name your reward
and you shall have it.
We don't want
no reward, lady.
What are you
saying?
You heard him,
we don't want
no more money.
No, it'll put us
in a higher tax bracket.
I'll bracket your head.
[LOUD CRASHING AND CLANGING]
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]