Vacation (2015) - full transcript

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

this is your captain,

Rusty Griswold.

Hope you've enjoyed

your 18-minute flight

from South Bend.

We'll be touching down

at Chicago's midway

very shortly.

We'd like to thank you

for flying with us today

because at Econo air,

we're working hard

to win back your trust.

Harry, you mind takin' over

while I hit the Lav?

Sure thing, Rusty.

Thank you very much.

Oh, and Rusty.

Mm-hmm. I wanna thank you

for goin' to bat for me

last week.

I was happy to do it.

You know, just 'cause corporate

says you're too old to fly,

it doesn't make it true.

If anything, you're more

qualified than us younger guys.

Means a lot to me.

Sure thing.

- Oh, and Rusty.

- Mm-hmm.

I wanna thank you for goin'

to bat for me last week.

Yeah.

You bet.

Dad, is that the pilot?

It sure is.

He just came from the cockpit.

Whoa!

Hey there, little guy. Hi!

Is this your first time

on a plane?

We were planning on driving,

but Tyler here

has been beggin' us

to go on his first airplane.

Oh, is that right? Uh-huh.

Do you think I can be a pilot

when I grow up?

Yeah, well, I don't see why not.

You just have to study hard

and listen

to your parents, all right?

Whoa! Oh.

O-Okay.

Sorry about that.

Little bit of rough air.

It's okay. Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, don't, uh,

don't worry about it.

Hey. We call that "turbulence,"

all right?

That's when the plane...

Oh!

Oh, so sorry.

Okay. You folks enjoy

the rest of your flight.

Let me give you a hand.

Can you please

stay the fuck away from us?!

Harry!

You took us up to 60,000 feet!

What're you doing?!

Oh, Rusty.

I wanna thank you for goin'

to bat for me last week.

Or the time that pan continental

put us up

at the Ritz in Barcelona.

You know, I'll tell ya one thing

about the Spanish women...

They, uh, they love them

some airline pilots.

They do!

I never took the uniform off

except when I did.

Ladies.

All full. You're gonna

have to wait for the next one.

But I was... You were what?

I'll catch the next one.

See ya around, Econo air.

It's the third time this month.

I know.

You have to do something about him.

I will.

He's always picking on me.

I know he is.

I'm so sorry, honey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

What's going on here?

Oh, you'll see.

Kevin! Get down here, please.

Look what Kevin did

to my guitar.

Aw. Not again.

God. You told Mom and Dad?

You have such a vagina.

Okay, enough. Enough.

Now, young man, we talked about

the bullying

of your older brother.

That's right.

We don't make fun of someone

just 'cause they're a little

different from us.

D... I don't have a vagina!

I'm just saying

that even if you did,

it wouldn't be okay for Kevin

to tease you about your vagina.

No! Why are you making it sound

like I have a vagina?!

I know you don't have a vagina.

I'm not doing that.

Kevin, apologize

to your brother, please.

Fine. I'm sorry.

Now, go to your room.

I was in my fucking room.

Whoa. Hey, Kevin?

Get back down here.

Now listen.

There are a lot of boys

who are born with vaginas.

It's very hard for them.

Honey. Hmm?

W-why?

It's a teachable Moment, hon.

Gender fluidity, right?

It's a very serious issue.

I'm not gender-fluid.

It doesn't matter if you are.

The point is,

your Mom and I would love you

even if you were

completely blank down there.

Okay, that's not...

This is not the point.

This... none... Kevin?

Just go to your room.

Hey, James, don't get

your gender fluid on me.

- Awesome.

- Stop!

It's not a fluid!

And what about my guitar?

It... It's ruined.

Let me have a look.

Here ya go. That'll do for now.

Now get washed up.

The Petersons are coming over

for dinner.

Mwah.

Okay, baby.

Oh, gosh.

I'll get you a new guitar. Okay?

Oh, use the vitamix.

Just grind it up.

The dry bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sheila.

So do you have to work tomorrow?

So, um, S-Sheila.

'Cause I want to go

to the movies with my friends.

Sheila.

What?

Do you like school this year?

It's okay.

"So, do you like school

this year?"

That's seriously

what you sound like.

Just shut up.

God, I'm tellin' you, Russ,

you've gotta get

one of these Go-Kart Kits.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gary and I spent

the last two months

building this thing.

We took her out this morning

for the first time.

Holy moly.

Fun?

No, no, it was terrible.

Oh, yeah, it was fun!

Hot damn! It's a Go-Kart.

G-Man, get over here.

G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, G-Man.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, my God, my G-Man.

I love him.

Get in there.

What? Oh, I didn't...

What? What? What?

Get in there.

Get in there. Get in there.

Get in there. Blblblblbl!

Oh, man! I love you so much.

Oh. Oh, tell Mr. Griswold

how dope our Go-Kart is.

It's got a Zanardi chassis

and a four-stroke

Briggs & Stratton engine.

Wow. And you guys built this together?

Yep.

We worked on it every day after

homework and toothbrushin'.

I love... get over here.

Get over here, man.

Aah! Aah!

Work it, sugar Ray.

Come on, sugar Ray.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

He's workin' me over.

I'm gonna eat your face!

Kevin, James, get over here!

No.

Come on.

Oh! Oh! There you are!

Ow. Ow.

Whoa-ho! Dad, stop.

Come on, man.

What are you doing?

Come on. We're sparring.

We do this all the time.

- No. We never do this.

- Come on.

Mnh. Ow. Hey!

Don't... don't hit your old man.

I don't wanna be a part of this.

Whoa!

D... what are you doing?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

This is how accidents happen.

Sacrifice!

Aah! Dad!

Let go of me. Stop!

Why did you do that?

I'm sorry, man.

Come on.

I was just foolin' around.

That wasn't fun.

Like we always do.

We never do that. Hey.

What do you say you and I build

a Go-Kart together?

If we have to.

Yeah! All right!

G-Man! Get outta here.

Get outta here, G-Man!

D-Did you just steal

my son's nickname?

I'm not sure about... Oh, shoot.

Oh. Dang it.

Wow. Your ring

is getting loose, there, Deb.

Mm. Yeah. Are you losin' weight?

Yeah. I am.

You know what I've been doing?

Spinning.

Yeah. It's a...

It's a great stress reliever.

Now, I'm gonna tell you what's

an even greater stress reliever.

And that is a week in Paris.

Oh, my gosh!

I saw that on Instagram.

All your pictures were so great.

Oh, so you did see 'em. Yeah!

Well, that's funny

'cause I was gonna ask

how come you didn't like

any of 'em.

What do you mean?

I just said I did.

Well, no, all my other friends,

uh, who saw my Paris pics,

they clicked "like."

You were the only one

who didn't click "like."

Oh.

I guess I just didn't get around

to actually

clicking "like" on them.

Okay, 'cause look at this one.

Now, in this one,

we have Sheila and Gary

wearin' berets.

I know. Right? Bonjour.

I know. I like that one so much.

It's so cute.

But you didn't "like" it.

Okay.

Now, here are the four of us

at the Arc De Triomphe.

Didn't "like" that.

Didn't "like" my children.

Didn't "like" my man

kissin' on me.

I-I-I promise you,

the second you guys leave,

I am gonna go upstairs online,

and I am gonna click "like"

on every single one of them.

Honestly, honey,

it really... I promise.

It makes no difference to me.

So, are you guys going anywhere

special this summer?

Oh, I wish. Yeah. No.

We're... we are renting

the same cabin

that we've been renting

for 10 years

in Cheboygan, Michigan. Wow.

The boys call it

"Che-boring," Michigan.

Isn't that funny?

Why don't you

just go someplace else?

Oh, no. We can't.

Rusty loves it so much.

I would break his heart

if I told him that we hate the cabin.

Oh, boy. Yeah.

I understand. I understand.

Yeah. Well, you know

what the good news is?

Hmm?

Honestly, even if you go there

and you don't have

a great time, baby,

at least you know

that I will click "like"

on all your photos.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Nancy.

Look! Look!

What the fuck is this?

- Louie!

- Yes, sir.

Oh, you're back there! Get out!

What the fuck is this?!

Hey, madam. How much capellini

are you throwing away?

What are you doing, Melinda?

What are you doing?

- You're making me mad!

- Yes, chef.

So fucking mad! Yes, chef.

- Joseph!

- Yes, chef.

Guys, I have exciting news.

James has aids?!

What? No! That's horrible.

I'd be excited.

Well, what is it? What is it?

The four of us are gonna take

a little trip.

Paris.

Hmm? No. Much better.

We're driving to Walley World.

What?

This family's in a rut.

We gotta shake things up. Right?

Spend a little quality time.

And of course, it wouldn't hurt

for the boys to learn

to get along a little better.

Uh, by locking them

in a car together? Yeah.

This is some bullshit

right here!

Hey! Language! Well, it is!

I'm gonna miss the first week

of wrestling practice!

We'll find a wrestling range

along the way.

That's not even a thing!

And, Dad, no offense,

but I just don't wanna do

my first big road trip

to some corporate theme park,

you know?

I'd like to explore

the real America,

like, uh, Jack Kerouac

or the Merry Pranksters.

Ow.

Don't say weird shit! Ow!

Kevin! Bullying! Guys, come on.

My trip to Walley World

when I was a kid

was the best time I ever had.

So you just wanna redo

your vacation from 30 years ago?

Don't you think that's gonna be

kind of a letdown?

No, no, no, no.

We're not redoing anything.

This will be

completely different.

For one thing, the original

vacation had a boy and a girl.

This one has two boys.

And I'm sure that there will be

lots of other differences.

I've never even heard

of the original vacation.

Doesn't matter.

The new vacation

will stand on its own.

Okay?

Come on, honey.

What do you say?

We can drive out and fly back.

Oh, what the heck.

It couldn't be as bad as that

stupid cabin, right, honey?

That's the spirit. All right.

Fuck me.

Are we gonna drive all that way

in your little car, Dad?

Not exactly.

- Come on, guys.

- What?

How come you didn't follow me

just then?

Oh. You wanted us to?

Yeah. That's why

I dangled the key like that.

Oh, well, I don't...

Why else would I...?

You could have just said,

"come with me."

Look what your Dad rented.

What the hell is that?

Kevin.

That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.

Did you say "Tartan," honey?

Yeah.

Tartan's the Honda of Albania.

Why'd you get

an Albanian car, Dad?

Well, it turns out renting a family car

on Memorial Day weekend

doesn't leave you

with a lot of options.

But this baby is pretty sweet.

It's got all the latest

Albanian technology.

Plug-in hybrid.

Oh, wow. Eco-friendly. Good.

So any time we run outta juice,

we can just pull right over,

and... plug in.

I don't...

I don't know what that is.

Never seen an outlet for that.

Should it retract, or...

You would think

it would retract.

It just... Huh.

If it just...

No, it doesn't. It's... Yeah.

Cup holder?

I think you coil it.

I think you just coil it

like that.

Right?

And then you close it right up.

Doesn't matter.

We've still got two gas tanks.

Why two?

Carry twice as much gas.

Why not just have one big tank?

It's twice the gas, buddy.

Actually the same volume.

Two small... Shh.

It has six ashtrays.

Six. Wow.

Hope you guys

like Smokin'! Right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

What's with all the mirrors?

Safer.

But... Oh!

And this is amazing.

I can control the entire car

from the fob.

What do all the buttons mean?

No clue.

But we'll figure it out.

Honey, is that...

Is that a swastika on there?

Yeah. We won't use that.

This is my favorite part.

Slam the door on my arm.

What? It has a sensor.

It won't let you slam the door

on your arm or leg.

Honey, I'm not doing that.

The rental guy showed me.

Just do it.

Okay. Do it!

Do it. Kinda fun.

Slam it. All right.

There ya go. Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, my gosh! Ohh.

God damn it! Oh, my God!

Why did you have me do that?

Ohh.

Oh. Oh, I didn't have

the sensor activated.

Okay.

I'm an idiot. Do it again.

No! Absolutely not.

Come on. It'll be fine.

I just activated it.

No, I'm not gonna do it!

Don't be chicken.

Fine!

Aah! Ow! Aah!

Shit!

Why did you do that?

Really?

You're right. I'm sorry.

Ohh. Nobody slam their arm

in the door, okay?

Can I slam it on James' balls?

So you admit I have balls?

Yeah, they hang outta your vagina.

Okay, you two stop that. Guys, come on.

There's plenty of time for that.

Please. Go on and get packed.

We're hittin' the road today.

Okay.

Guess we're leaving today. Phew!

All right. Let's go, guys.

Ah.

Hey, honey. What's all that?

Well, this is my dream journal,

whimsy log, wish diary,

my poems.

And this bad boy is going to be

a stream of consciousness

travel log, so...

Yeah.

Come on, honey,

every boy that age

has a stack of diaries.

Okay, gang.

Seat belts on!

Two full tanks of gas!

Honey, GPS check?

Yes. Yes. Roger that.

Okay.

Your destination

is 2,560 miles ahead.

Walley world, here we come.

Well, we're almost out of gas.

What? How is that possible?

We've been driving

for less than an hour.

Hey, Dad, what's so special

about Walley World?

I mean, we have plenty

of theme parks at home.

Well, walley world is home

of the one and only

Velociraptor.

What the hell is that?

It's only the newest,

scariest roller coaster

in the country.

450 feet tall,

110 miles an hour,

triple corkscrew loop.

Yeah. Oh, hey! Look at this!

Looks like we got ourselves

a little old convoy.

Let's say "Hi."

Oh, my goodness.

It has a CD Radio in it?

Yeah.

Comes standard in all prancers.

This way we can talk to truckers.

Okay.

Now, guys, you just have

to speak their lingo.

All right, I'm gonna ask him

if there's any police up ahead.

Breaker 1-9 to rubber ducky.

You got any smokey the bears

in your kitchen? Over.

You're clean and green

for the next 20 klicks.

He replied! I know!

What did that even mean?

I have no idea, but who cares?

He seems nice.

He does seem nice, doesn't he?

Copy that, good buddy. Over.

Oh, can I try, Dad?

Yeah, course.

When you finish talking,

say "over."

Okay. Cool. Okay.

Breaker 1-9,

my friend Jessie says

all truck drivers are rapists.

Are you a rapist? Kevin, no!

No! Oh. Sorry.

Over. No! No.

What are you doing?

What? It's a question.

You're ruining it.

Sorry about that there,

good buddy.

You know how little boys are

when their mouths get goin'.

I don't...

Not to imply that you are...

Fond of when little boys' mouths

get goin' in any way.

I-I'm not suggesting

that you are a sex offender

or a pedophile.

Okay, no! Yeah.

So that's the CD Radio, guys.

Neat, huh?

Hey, Dad, what's a pedophile?

Mm, well, Kevin,

when a man and a boy love

each other very mu... No.

No.

I have to piss. Me, too.

Okay, go with him, please,

and keep an eye on him.

Okay. Thank you.

Look at that.

The boys are bonding already.

Mm-hmm.

Isn't this the best?

Yeah.

Do you remember,

back when you were just getting

your pilot's license

and you and I would sit there

and we'd talk

about all those, like,

overseas trips we would take and stuff?

Oh.

Yeah, of course,

that's when I thought

I was gonna fly

for one of the big guys.

I know it's not

the most glamorous airline,

but Econo air,

it's been pretty good to us.

As far as I'm concerned,

right here

with you and the boys,

this is paradise.

There was a hole

in the side of my stall.

Sounds like you found

yourself a glory hole. Russ?

Hmm? No.

All right. Let's hit the road.

Okay.

Go to sleep! Go to sleep!

What... What's wrong with you?!

I just wanted to see how long

you could hold your breath

before you black out.

Don't do that!

I could have died.

Whatever.

Goddamn it. Kevin!

Hey, honey,

why'd we get off the highway?

Well, I thought it would be fun

for the kids to see

where you went to college.

Oh, God. Why would that

be fun for them, honey?

Well, you could give us a tour.

Maybe one of them

could study there one day.

Oh, no. No way, man.

I've got my sights set

on something

a little more Ivy league.

Oh.

Little fucker.

What, Ma? I love you.

That's what I said.

Love you, too.

I said I love you.

Let's just see how far it is.

You are 9.2 miles

from your destination.

Oh. All right.

Check the best route.

Oh! I changed the language.

That's not it.

What is that?

Uh, I don't know. I... Korean?

Oh, God, it's horrible! Oh.

Just please turn it off, Russ.

The menu's all in Korean now.

I don't know what to press.

Why is it so much angrier

than the other voices?

Why don't we just...

Honey, it doesn't...

It like when you touch it, okay?

Just leave it alone.

Let it calm down.

Wow. This place

has not changed a bit.

Isn't that Sorority Row?

Mm-hmm.

Let's go check out your house.

Oh, no, honey.

Don't you... don't you think

we should get back on the road?

No, come on. It'll be fun.

It's... It's just a boring,

old house.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Yeah! That's what's up!

I cannot believe that

they are still doing this.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug

what is it?

Uh, it is the Tri-Pi Chug run.

You have to chug

a big pitcher of beer

and then you have to get through

the course as fast as you can.

And you did this?

'Cause you hardly drink.

No. Yeah.

But, honey, it's for charity.

See?

Hi. Would you like to donate

to assburgers?

Oh, no. We're just stopping by.

I was a Tri-Pi

a long time ago, so...

In fact,

the Chug run was my idea.

It was?

Yeah.

Wait. Are you Debbie Fletcher?

Yeah.

Oh, my shit.

Oh, my shit!

I can't believe it's you!

Guys! Come here!

Bring over the book!

It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.

- How do you know who I am?

- Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

You're like a legend at Tri-Pi!

You're Debbie do-anything!

Uh, Debbie do-anything?

Go play.

Yeah, look! See?

Huh? Oh, God.

Is it true that you climbed

the clock tower naked?

Of course not.

Did you really show your tits

to anyone who asked?

- Honey, we should go.

- Wha... Wha... hang... hang on.

I heard that you stuck a finger

in the Dean's dick.

Did you really burn down

the taco bell?

I heard that you fucked

Anthony Hopkins.

I heard that,

if people bop you on your head,

gold coins

come out of your butt.

Okay, ladies. Uh... What?!

I think I know my wife

pretty well,

and she wouldn't have done

any of those things.

But you know what?

What's important is

not whether I did them

or I didn't do them.

What's important is

that you guys are idolizing

very bad behavior here.

Uh, Ew.

You don't sound like

Debbie do-anything.

I had a feeling

she was all hype.

Bet she didn't even come up

with the Chug run.

Hey! Wait a min... Excuse me.

I did come up with the Chug run,

all right?

And I ran it.

Sure you did. No, I did.

In 16 seconds, okay? Okay, hon.

Prove it.

She can't do it now. She's old.

Excuse me, girl?

I didn't mean it like that.

I just mean... You're old.

Oh, oh, yeah!

Never heard that laugh before.

I don't like it.

Hold my bag. Unh-Unh.

Why? I'm not... You're not...

You're not actually going on this thing.

Yes, I am.

This Chug run raised

thousands of dollars

for charity, all right?

Now, I might not have gotten

good grades while I was here.

But at least I did something.

Yeah, it sounds like you did a lot.

You stuck your finger

in the Dean's penis.

You know, honey,

it's not important

what I stuck my finger in and

what I burnt down, all right?

What is important right now

is that these Fuckin' bitches

are disrespecting me,

and that ain't right, okay?

"Bitches"?

Bring it on.

No one's calling me old.

Fuck you.

All right, boobs, pitcher!

Let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Three! Two! One!

Oh, honey.

What's Mom doing?

She's, uh, teaching

these bitches a-a lesson.

This is the best thing

I've ever seen.

Go! Go! Go!

Why is she puking so much?

It's for assburgers.

Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!

Mom, you should try

and stay hydrated.

What? What are you doing?

How 'bout some tunes?

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

I love this song!

Guys, it's seal!

Everybody sing it with me.

Come on, guys.

Deb?

Guys? No?

Is this a man

or a woman singing?

And the coolest man ever!

He overcame lupus!

"Batman forever"?

He's come back to kill us.

Gun it, Russ! Gunning it!

You gotta go faster, Dad!

Go faster!

The Prancer doesn't go

any faster!

Okay, well,

what are we gonna do?!

Let me see... maybe if I press

this rabbit button,

it'll, like, give it

a boost or something.

Yes. Try it!

Why would there be a button

for that?

And why is it a rabbit?!

Okay. Um... Rocket!

Rocket. Here you go. Try that!

Yes.

- What?

- What?

- What's happening?

- Why am I swiveling? I'm swiveling!

I don't know! I don't know!

Grab the wheel! Grab the wheel!

- Hit the brake! Hit the gas! Hit the gas!

- Okay, I'm...

I don't wanna die!

Okay, I got the wheel!

I got the wheel! Okay! Okay!

Okay, what are we gonna do?

I have an idea. What?

Handbrake turn. What?

I pull the wheel to the left,

yank the handbrake,

we do a 180, cross the median,

drive right past him.

You know how to do that, Dad?

If Vin Diesel can do it,

so can I.

Why are you as good

as Vin Diesel?

Hang on!

That's not

what I was trying to do.

Everybody okay? Oh, shit!

Go, Dad! Dad! Dad! Go! Go!

Oh, my God. Oh, God!

Whoa!

Oh, shit!

Goddamn it.

All right, boys. This is you.

I call both beds!

You get one bed.

If you guys need anything,

Mom and I are right next door.

Oh, I think I saw a hot tub,

Dad.

Is it okay if I take a soak?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

But if anyone tries

to shove you in their car,

you give 'em a good scratch

like I showed ya.

I will. All right. Attaboy.

Thanks.

So... How come you never told me

about the whole

Debbie do-anything thing?

Come on, that was so long ago.

Yeah, but it's part

of who you are and...

I wanna know all about you.

All right. Well, that's fair.

What do you wanna know?

How many guys did you sleep with before me?

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

No-no-no-no-no. Ah, come on.

Come on. That's not important.

Well, no, I know.

But I'm just...

You really need to know?

It just...

Oh, okay. I'm just curious.

Okay, okay.

Um... let's see.

Hmm.

And then... um...

Kinda takin' you a little while.

Okay, so, uh, around... th...

Three. Three.

That's actually reassuring,

'cause it's the same as me.

No. Didn't say three.

13. 13?

Nope.

And it's not three?

It's around... It's around 30.

30! Hoo!

Wow! Holy cow.

See, now I feel like

you're judging me.

I'm judging me.

Your number

is so much higher than mine.

Yes, it is a big number,

but that doesn't matter.

Honey, it doesn't matter.

You're... you're so cool.

I-I-I-I feel like a loser.

You are not a loser.

Okay? Yeah?

'Cause, uh,

I had to work pretty hard

just to get those three.

Had to take care

of Jenny's grandfather

for months

before she slept with me.

And he was racist.

Please don't base it on me.

I was, like, crazy back then.

I was completely immature

and acting out

and just really, like,

free with my body,

and that's just not

who I am anymore.

That's not who we are.

Well... we're pretty free

with our bodies.

But, y-you have to admit

I-I feel like we've gotten...

Like, less free with our bodies.

But we have sex every week

with our bodies.

We do. But, I mean, it's gotten

a little routine, babe.

You know, you always

are lighting

that same yankee candle...

and everything.

And I don't know,

it might be nice

to mix it up a little bit

every once in a while.

Okay? No big deal.

I-I-I'm gonna go take a shower.

Okay?

I'm gonna take one with you.

Hmm?

Uh... We'll have sex in it.

Yeah. In the shower.

How's that for Gettin' free

with our bodies,

Debbie do-anything?

I like that. Yeah.

Oh, Russ.

Just be careful

not to drop the soap.

Oh, I won't.

What?

This is fun and different.

I know. It is.

You are so cute when you get

excited about stuff.

Mm. Mm.

You're, like, so cute always.

Aww. Honey.

Oh.

Aah! Oh, my... holy shit!

Are those mushrooms?!

It looks like somebody

blew their head off in there.

Oh, God.

God.

So, should we, uh...

Should we get in or...

No, right?

Yeah. I'm gonna see if there's

somethin' to clean that with.

Mm.

Maybe the housekeeping left a...

Oh. Well, here's a brillo pad.

I'll just...

Russ. Yeah.

That's not a brillo pad.

It's a ball of pubic hair.

Oh! Aah!

Oh, my gosh.

There's so much of it.

Who has that much pubic hair?!

It's not even possible.

No, not one person.

That's all different colors.

That's from, like,

30 different guys.

Oh, shut up, Russ.

No. I-I'm sorry.

You're pretty good. Oh!

Geez!

Sorry.

I, uh

I didn't mean to scare you.

Hi.

Hi.

You were in the Jeep.

And you were

in that plastic bag.

That was my stupid brother.

Gotcha. Big brothers suck.

Oh, no. Yeah, big.

I'm Adena.

James.

- I have a penis.

- What?

It's on your guitar.

Oh.

Same brother.

- What an asshole.

- Yeah.

You wanna go in?

Absolutely.

Well, what have we here?

Little Romeo and Juliet

situation?

My name's Russ.

Pleased to meet you both.

I'm just a stranger,

passin' through town.

But I couldn't help noticing

how incredibly handsome

this young man is.

What's your story?

You got a girlfriend?

- No.

- What?

No girlfriend?

Cute boy like that?

Somebody's gonna snatch you up.

- Do you want me to call the cops?

- No.

And he plays guitar? Dream boy!

- Make a muscle.

- I'd...

- Do it!

- Rather not.

Take your shirt off.

Make a muscle.

- I really don't want to.

- Don't be shy.

- Show us what you're workin' with.

- All right.

Um, I should go.

Um...

Are you sure

that you'll be okay?

I think so.

Okay.

Bye.

Dang it.

Dad, why would you do that?

Saw ya talkin' to her.

Figured you could use a Wingman.

I didn't need a Wingman.

Well...

Looks like ya did. She left.

That's 'cause you were approaching...

You know, James,

when I was your age,

Grandpa Clark sat me down,

and we had a little chat.

Seeing you with that girl

made me realize

that we haven't

had that chat yet.

- We don't need that chat.

- Yeah?

No. Come on.

I know it's embarrassing.

But it'd be a lot

more embarrassing

if you found yourself

Tummy to Tummy

with a lady friend,

and you didn't know

what goes where.

- I know what goes where.

- You do?

- Uh-huh.

- Ya sure?

Yep.

All right. All right.

Well, I just want you to know

I'm here to answer any questions

you might have about that stuff,

no matter how uncomfortable

it seems.

Yeah, okay.

- Yeah, right. Here it comes.

- Yeah. All right.

Okay.

Uh, there were

some kids at school

who were talking about rim jobs.

- Mm.

- So, what's that?

What's a rim job?

- Rim jobs.

- Yeah.

Hmm. Is that R-I-M?

Mm-hmm.

Rim job. Country of origin.

I don't know.

Um, America.

Can I hear it in a sentence?

"What's a rim job, Dad?"

Oh.

Well, rim job.

I would guess a rim job is

when you kiss someone

with your mouth closed.

Right? So you're only using

the rim of your mouth.

- That's it?

- Sure.

It... It felt like

it was something way dirtier.

No, I mean,

what else could it be?

Any other questions?

I guess not.

Good talk, James.

Now, I hope you're not too old

to let your Dad give you

a good-night rim job.

Looks like we might get

to aunt Audrey's before dinner.

Oh, will uncle Stone be there?

Yeah, I suppose he will.

Uncle Stone is cool.

You have to be cool

to be a celebrity.

He's not exactly a celebrity.

I mean, he's a local weatherman.

That's all.

A-Actually, Audrey said

that the networks

are interested in him.

- Yeah?

- Oh, yeah.

All right. Well, good for him.

Mom, do you think uncle Stone

will let me ride his horse?

I don't see why not.

- Do you think I can shoot his guns?

- No, you cannot.

Too bad.

I would've shot you

right off that fuckin' horse.

You know, I never

would've imagined my sister

marrying such a conservative.

Oh, yeah, but just because.

Stone's political beliefs

are different than ours

doesn't mean

he's not good-looking.

I... um... A good person.

Ya said it!

- Uh, honey...

- Hey, look at that!

Hot Springs up ahead.

We've always wanted to do that.

Oh, honey, we don't

wanna be late to Audrey's.

So we're a few minutes late.

We're on vacation. Right?

Come on. Let's have some fun.

Okay.

- Oh, look at the line.

- This is gonna take forever.

Come on, guys.

How often do we get to soak

in hot water?

Every time we take a bath.

No. This is different.

'Kay, this is natural.

This water was heated

in mother nature's bowels.

Oh, gross.

There's gotta be another way in.

I'm gonna ask this gentleman.

I bet he'd know.

Excuse me, sir.

- Hi there.

- Hey. Hi.

Hey, we were wondering.

Is there another entrance

to the hot Springs?

Like, a secret entrance

the locals use?

Line can get pretty long

this time of year, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it sure can.

Yeah, I'll tell you

what y'all do.

Uh, can you see that dirt road?

That path there on the left?

Yeah.

If you just follow that

all the way up,

that'll take you

to the hot Springs.

All right. Perfect. Thank you.

Oh, no, no. You bet.

Y'all have a good time.

Oh, will do!

Hey, what's your pet rat's name?

Is my pet what?

The...

What the fuck?

- Oh!

- What the fuck?!

What the fuck?

I don't know him.

Honey, are you sure about this?

I mean, nobody else

is going this way.

Yeah, well, most people

think inside the box.

But you know who thinks

outside the box?

Uncle Stone?

Me. Your father.

Um, honey,

I don't see any hot Springs.

Well, the guy said

it was right at the end

of this road, so...

Well, the guy also did not know

he had a rat on his shoulder,

so there's that.

Hold on.

Wow. Honey. This is beautiful.

- Isn't it?

- Yeah.

All right, everyone.

In your bathing suits. Now!

Looks like we found

our own private hot spring.

I say we call it

"Griswold Springs."

Oh! The water's perfect.

Oh, my God. It's so nice.

Why does it smell like

rotten eggs?

Oh, that's the sulfur, buddy.

- Yeah.

- It's natural.

Yeah. And it's really good

for you, too.

Actually, the minerals

that are in this mud here,

they draw toxins

out of your body.

- Ah.

- Can you believe that?

Cool, right?

Oh, wow.

Mm.

This is perfect.

It's exactly what we needed.

Oh, yeah. Good call, Griswold.

- Oh, man.

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

That's it.

I can feel my body detoxifying.

You know...

It tastes a little shitty,

but I think that's part of it.

- Yeah.

- That's okay.

This is wonderful.

That is the stuff!

Oh.

What is that, honey?

On your ear.

What's on your ear?

What is that?

Oh, it's an ear!

Oh!

Look, James. Found a dart.

Are you crazy?!

Oh, my God! Everybody out

of Griswold Springs!

- Get out of the poop!

- That was nasty!

All over me!

I don't like Griswold Springs.

Is that our car alarm?

What?!

How come that local guy

didn't tell us

there are thieves

in these woods?

Oh, right.

He took my guitar.

Oh, my God.

He took all our money, Russ.

All right.

Not a best-case scenario.

But, hey. He left your book.

So, I guess

we get the last laugh.

Oh, really, honey?

We're naked

and covered in human waste.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

We don't know that it's human.

This is so embarrassing.

I feel like

your cousin Eddie's family.

It's no big deal.

We'll just tell Stone and Audrey

what happened.

Kids, remember what happened?

We pulled over to rescue a baby

from a burning car

and somebody stole all of our

stuff while we were distracted.

And why are we naked

and covered in feces?

I don't remember.

That's right. We don't remember.

Oh, my God.

Hmm?

Oh, come on.

- What're we gonna do?

- Can you gimme a hand with this?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Please?

Just... yeah.

Oh, gosh.

I-I can't.

I can't... I can't get it off.

- Use your spit.

- Oh, okay.

Focus on the balls.

If you guys wanna stop,

that'd be good, too.

Stay on the balls.

I've got the shaft.

Hi, y'all!

Hey! Oh, my goodness. Hi!

- Hi.

- What happened?

Well, that's a...

It's a crazy story, um...

Dad got scammed

by a guy at a park.

- Kevin!

- Same old Rusty.

You'd buy water from a faucet.

Anyway,

you guys look disgusting.

So, um, I have some clothes

that I was gonna give

to the church

if you guys wanna borrow

some of those.

Great. Thank you, Audrey.

- Come on inside.

- Thanks.

All right.

Boy, y'all stink.

Oh, I don't like that.

Man, this place makes our house

look like shit.

Well, Kevin,

that's only 'cause a dollar

goes much further out here

than it does in Chicago.

Especially when you make

a lot more of 'em.

Ha.

Just messin' with ya. Shoot!

You boys are growin' faster

than a weed under a faucet.

You still wrasslin', son?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh? Well, come on.

Show me what ya got.

Hey, Kevin.

Get off your brother, please.

They're just havin' themselves

a wrassle.

It's what brothers do.

Hey, ooh, look at you guys.

Hot damn. Debbie Griswold.

You just keep Gettin' prettier.

- Oh, stop.

- No, I mean it.

You could make hot water

come out of the cold faucet.

That's... that's very sweet.

You know, I remember the night

you first wore that dress.

- You remember that night?

- Yeah, I remember that night.

- I'll never forget that night.

- Neither will I, baby.

You're my Fuckin' husband.

Oh, betcha I am.

I'm your caveman.

I'll rip you in half.

Ooh.

I wanna have all your babies.

Ooh. Ooh, baby.

I hit the Fuckin' jackpot

with you.

Oh, God, what I'm gonna do

to you tonight.

Who wants to see

Stone's man cave?

- Uh...

- Yeah.

Is this Charlton Heston?

Yep. Chuck was a good friend.

I can't tell ya

how many nights we spent

drinkin' bourbon together

and cryin' about the state

of this country.

It's true. They did.

They literally cried together.

Somehow I don't see you crying,

though, Stone.

Yeah, that's, uh,

that's kind of embarrassing.

Right?

Not embarrassing to me.

Even the strongest faucet

sometimes lets out a few drops.

What is with these faucets?

Hey, everyone thought

that F-4 twister

was gonna bypass Harris County.

Not my Stone.

I had a feelin' that

that low-pressure system

was gonna make a beeline

for mission bend.

Thanks to my report,

those people had

an extra 15 minutes to evacuate.

Governor Perry said

he saved 2,000 lives.

That's how many we lost

at Pearl Harbor,

so basically,

he stopped Pearl Harbor.

That's when

the national news called.

Now, between us...

It's lookin' good.

Ain't it, honey?

Mm-hmm.

'Course none of that

would've been possible

without my sugar mama, here,

workin' day and night

to put me

through meteorology school.

I liked workin', baby.

I didn't mind it one bit.

Well, you never have

to do it again, darlin'.

Um, but it kinda

gave me purpose.

Nope, never again.

That is a promise.

Wow. Uncle Stone, I may not

agree with your politics

but that doesn't mean

I don't admire you.

Well, thank you, James.

But the man

you should admire the most

is sittin' right next to you.

But there's nobody there.

Oh, I don't mean that chair.

I mean your Pa right here.

Okay.

He doesn't save anybody's life.

Oh, doesn't he?

Well, every time he flies

that little plane of his,

he's savin' lives

by not crashin'.

And in my book...

That makes him a hero.

Thank you.

You know,

a lot of people actually...

Not to mention,

he also snagged himself

one sweet slice of foxy pie

in your Mama there.

You gotta stop that today.

Stop it.

You know what I always

wanted to know was...

When did you first know

the weather?

Well...

- You all right, Deb?

- What? What?

Hey! There's a cow!

Oh, not a cow. That's a steer.

That there is $6000 worth

of juicy, Purebred Angus beef.

It's Stone's new passion,

raising cattle.

He's even named them.

Uh-huh.

Old Sebastian here

loves him some ribs.

Here ya go, boy.

Here. Oh, that's it.

Dad, isn't that...

Cannibalism? Yeah.

Say, if you boys

wanna get up early tomorrow,

you can watch me herd

these suckers into the corral.

- Oh.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You herd them yourself?

I'm a man, aren't I?

Yes.

Uh, hey, Stone,

not sure if you need a hand

out there, but I'd love to help.

Yeah, sure thing, Russ,

if you're up for it.

I can always use

an extra set of hands.

Well, I was born

with an extra set of hands.

That's an odd thing to say.

But you know, I-I-I reckon

this'll be the highlight

of your trip.

Well, the real highlight,

of course,

will be when we get

to walley world

and I take my family on

the Velociraptor.

I think it is so weird.

I don't know why you want to go

back to Walley World

after Dad flipped out there.

Audrey, Dad flipped out

because he loved us

and wanted us to be close.

And we were.

And that's all I want

for my family.

You're such a clown.

You're a clown.

Babe, baby,

I-I think Rusty's right.

You know, family is the most

important thing there is.

Little somethin'.

You know, maybe we'll take baby

Cooper on a trip this summer.

- Yeah, not to walley world.

- Oh, God, no.

- 'Cause that'd be stupid.

- That'd be stupid.

How 'bout Paris?

Oui!

Oui, Oui, Oui!

And then, when we get back,

I can maybe get a part-time job?

Well, not while there's

breath in my body, sweetheart.

You know, honey, I am...

I'm really happy

for your sister.

- Yeah?

- Seriously.

She and Stone seem

really in love.

It's nice.

These pants Stone gave me

are really stretched out

in the crotch, though.

That's weird. Why would they

be stretched out in the...

- God, I don't know.

- Oh, shit.

How much you think they paid

for this house?

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

Whoa. Oh!

Should I see if Audrey has

a yankee candle?

Fuck the yankee candle.

I wanna do this now.

- Oh, God, you're so sexy.

- Oh, what has gotten into you?

Oh, my God.

What? What, what, what?

This is because of him,

isn't it?

What? Who?

Because of who?

Because of Stone.

What?!

That's why

you're jumping my bones!

You're just thinking of him!

That's ridiculous.

Then how come the one night

we're hangin' around with him,

you turn into some kind

of sexual character?

I don't know

where you're going with this,

but I can tell you right...

Where's your wedding ring?

Oh. Oh, my God.

Before we got here,

you took off your wedding ring?

No, I didn't.

Rusty, it was loose.

You remember how loose it was?

And... and I-I m-must've

just dropped it somewhere.

What was the plan, Deb?

Show up without a ring,

and he'll think you're single?

How's he gonna think

that I'm single

if I'm here with my husband

and my two children?

I don't know. It was your plan.

It was not my pl... Okay.

Yes.

Stone is an impressive man,

okay?

But I married you, Rusty.

And I am so sorry

that I lost my ring,

but I would never, ever,

ever take it off on purpose.

I know. I know.

I just...

I freaked out. I'm sorry.

I just...

We'll get you another ring.

I liked that one.

Hey. Y'all decent?

- Yes. Hi.

- Hey.

Okay. Just wanted to make sure

y'all had everything you needed

for the night.

Yep.

All right.

Man, it sure is beautiful here

this time of year, ain't it?

And quiet.

Listen.

You hear that?

- No.

- Exactly.

- It's perfect silence.

- Mm.

Ah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, uh, TV remote.

Okay, let me show ya.

We've got channels...

And the volume.

On. Off.

- Pretty straightforward.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay. All right.

Well, uh, if you get thirsty,

there's, uh,

fresh milk in the fridge

and, uh, have yourselves

a good night.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay.

- Night, Stone.

- Good night, St-Stone.

Man.

Yeah.

Okay.

He totally just came in here

to show off his six-pack.

Hey, mornin'!

Barely.

How come you gotta do this

at 6 A.M.?

Well, I gotta be

at the station by 7:30

for Stone Crandall's

accuweather report.

Hey, you ever ride

one of these things?

Mm, no. Never have.

But, uh, can't imagine

it's more complicated

than an Airbus A318.

Yeah, well, that's the spirit.

Now, the key here

is to move back and forth

along the edge of the herd.

You keep your distance, though.

We don't want to spook 'em.

Got it.

Are there helmets?

Yeah, I keep them

with the tampons.

Just basic safety.

Aah! Whoa!

This is exciting!

It's my favorite way

to start the day!

This, and makin' love

to your sister.

Thank you for that.

Come on, let's go!

Well, it looks like

we got us a couple of mavericks.

You take the one on the left.

I'll take the one on the right.

Unless you need my help

with yours.

No, I think I got it.

Last one to the corral's

a rotten cowpoke!

Yee-Hoo-Hoo!

Whoo-Hoo! Whoo-Hoo!

Go on over there!

Go! Get up! Get up! Get up!

Let's go!

Whoa!

Oh!

Hi!

Holy shit!

Oh, my gosh!

Is the cow okay?

No, the cow's not okay, Russ.

You drove plumb through him.

Oh, no, Sebastian.

Gross.

Hey, gang. Uh, maybe for lunch,

we could find a burger place.

You know, like a, uh...

Like a drive-through

burger place.

I don't know, Dad.

I think we should, uh,

steer clear of that.

- Good one, James.

- All right, enough, you guys.

Dad hit a cow, okay?

Let's just moo-ve on.

- Oh, I got one.

- Yeah? Let's hear it.

- James is a piece of shit.

- Oh.

You kinda missed

the point, there, buddy.

But you can get back home,

you can get back down

hey. Hey.

What? What is it? What's wrong?

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. No. No, nothing's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

Okay. Well, what?

- I have an idea.

- Mm-hmm.

And it's gonna sound crazy,

but hear me out, okay?

- Mm-Kay.

- Okay.

We're right near

the four corners monument...

Mm-hmm.

Which is where four states

come together in one spot.

- So?

- Let's go have sex on it.

What?

Yeah, that way we can make love

in four states at the same time.

Wait. You're serious?

Well, yeah.

I mean, you're the one who said

we should mix it up.

Yeah. What's more mixed up

than sex on a public monument?

I'm pretty sure

Debbie do-anything would do it.

Okay, well, Debbie do-anything

was a dumbass, so...

Maybe that's what we need.

To be dumbasses together.

What about the kids?

Well, Kevin's kind of a dumbass.

No, no, honey.

What are we gonna do about them?

They're fine.

They're fast asleep.

We'll be back

before they know we're gone.

Okay.

- Yeah?

- All right, let's do it.

Mom?

Dad?

- James?

- Mom?

Adena?

Are you, like,

stalking me or something?

No. What? No.

I'm kidding. Relax.

Hey, what happened

with that perv

who was hitting on you

in Arkansas?

That was actually my Dad.

He was trying to be my Wingman.

Oh, my God.

He's a really shitty Wingman.

So, no guitar tonight?

It got stolen.

That sucks.

I really liked hearing you play.

You... you did?

Yeah, I've always

had a thing for musicians.

Well, good...

Because I've always

had a thing for...

Pretty girls.

Well played.

See? You don't need a Wingman.

Here it is.

Oh, my God.

This is so illegal.

I know. It's so hot, right?

Yeah.

I am hard as a faucet right now.

Oh!

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No. I like it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- I do.

You like it

when I slap that ass?

I do! I do!

Good, 'cause I'm gonna beat

the shit out of your ass.

Whoa! Russ!

Okay, right here?

We're about to have sex outside!

I know. I know.

Do you want me

to put a finger in?

In what?

- Never mind. Never mind.

- Okay, okay.

Y'all wanna keep it down?

- Aah!

- Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, watch it, man!

- Get your leg off of me!

- You're so slippery and sweaty!

If y'all are here to have sex

on the corners, we're next.

Get in line.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- Aah!

- Oh!

- Oh, God!

- Ew!

Oh, God! They're in every state!

So many boobies out here!

You two! Freeze!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hands up!

Run! Honey, run!

Drop the flashlight!

You do know public indecency

is a crime in the state of Utah?

Yes. Sorry, officer.

See, we're married,

and we wanted to just...

You know what?

Save it for the judge.

It makes me sick

how you deviants show up

and desecrate this holy place

every night.

Turn around!

Hands behind your back.

What?

Not so fast, Tommy!

Shoot for sherbet!

What are you doin' here, Kyle?

These people are clearly

in the state of Colorado.

That's my jurisdiction.

Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle.

Look at her left foot.

Smack-dab in Arizona.

You weed-legalizing,

mile-high piece of shit.

Hey, there's no reason

for that language.

Oh, I'm sorry, officer mormon.

You don't like that?

I have an idea.

Why don't you plug up your ears

with mitt romney's dick?

Hey!

Oh, looks like New Mexico

decided to wake up

from his siesta.

What seems to be the trouble?

Tell you what the trouble is,

dreamcatcher.

You are wearing entirely

too much goddamn turquoise.

Hey, we can do this

without disrespecting

each other's traditions.

Oh, go fuck your wives, Tommy.

See, this is what

I'm telling you guys.

Every night we do this.

You know what

this border represents?

It's just an idea.

That's all I'm saying.

All right, well,

if it's just an idea,

then I'll just get the perp...

- My house!

- Oh!

- Hey!

- Stay out of my state, buddy.

Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do now?

- Get your feet off of my state!

- Hey, come on, now.

You wanna stomp on my foot?

- You back... you back...

- Is that what you want?

- Stay out of this.

- Hey, I wasn't even in it!

Whoa! Don't you kick in here!

- Don't start...

- You wanna do that again?

How about this, then? Huh? Huh?

- Oh!

- Oh, we got a live wire!

- Oh, shit! Aw, shit!

- We got a live weapon!

Ooh. Ooh.

You think I'm afraid of that shit?

I'm not afraid of you!

- How about that, huh? Huh?

- Oh, yeah, like I'm afraid?

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Are we gonna...

I don't want it in my mouth.

Let's not do that, okay?

I'll take that all in, dude!

- That's enough! Everyone get down!

- Get down on the ground!

Everyone down on the ground!

Get down!

- Get down on the ground!

- You get down!

- Get down!

- I'm cooperating!

I'm the one who's cooperating!

You get down, too.

You get down, too.

Get down on the ground!

- Hands where?

- Hands on your right side!

- By the sides or in front?

- Side to side. Side to side.

- Let's do this.

- Everyone down?

Okay. I think I'm done.

You can really see

all the stars out here.

Yeah.

So...

What do you feel like doing?

I don't know.

Ca...

Can I give you a rim job?

- Whoa!

- No.

Uh, what?!

- I don't know.

- What's wrong with you?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

What did...

What did you wanna do?

I don't know.

I thought maybe we could

kiss or something?

Well, yeah,

that's what I thought I...

Yeah. Okay.

Ow!

Where's Mom and Dad, dork?

I don't know, Kevin.

Just go back inside the thing.

You were about to let

that dingus kiss you?

Shut up, Kevin.

- Who is that?

- My stupid little brother.

I thought you said

he was your big brother.

I... damn it!

Dingus.

Why do you take that from him?

What am I supposed to do,

hit him back?

- He's a little kid.

- He's a little shit.

You don't have to let him

push you around.

I kinda thought I was taking

the high road.

Yeah, that seems

to be working out for you.

You know what?

Fuck it.

Okay, so you wanna do this now?

Bring it, bitch.

Wait, what?!

No, no, no.

Wow. This is so easy.

You are such a little boy.

There's gonna be a few changes,

Kevin, all right?

No more bullying.

Stop it! I'm telling Mom.

Shut your mouth.

You gonna stop bullying?

You're hurting my tummy!

Say you're gonna stop,

you little piece of... ass.

Wait, what? "Piece of ass"?

You know what I mean, okay?

What... what are you doing

to my face?

- This hurts, doesn't it?

- Dude!

How do you like your ears

Gettin' messed up with?

It's really not that bad.

I'mma tap you

right on the forehead.

That's not even

how you beat someone up!

Very dehumanizing.

Your forehead's

gonna be so sore.

- Blblbl! Blblbl!

- Stop it! What are you doing?!

How do you like your lips

getting tickled?

This is really weird.

Just smush your cheeks.

- You gonna stop bullying?

- Fine. I'll stop bullying.

Just stop doing this.

Thank you, Adena.

This has been...

The best night of my life.

Weird fucking family.

Well, that was awful.

At least the kids never woke up.

Uh, passengers on

the left side of the prancer

will notice the Grand Canyon

out the window.

That's right.

Last stop before walley world.

So, guys,

when we visited the Grand Canyon

when I was a kid,

we barely had a chance

to look at it.

This time...

We're gonna do

a whole lot more than look.

- Oh, cool.

- Sweet!

Hi, folks!

Hi!

All right, let's see,

who do we got here?

You must be the fung family!

Huh?

I'm just messing!

You're the Griswolds, right?

Yes, that's right.

Right.

The little guy's face was like,

"fungs? Huh?!"

Anyway, I'm Chad.

I'm gonna be your guide.

- Okay. Hi, Chad.

- All right.

Well you couldn't have come

on a better day.

I'm gonna get you all geared up.

And, guess what,

the river's running way high,

so I think we're in for

a pretty sweet ride, guys.

- Let's roll.

- All right.

Let's do this.

Okay, gang, joke time is over.

All right,

let's get serious for a second.

Let's go over a couple

safety procedures

before we hit the water.

First off...

Do any of you know this river?

'Cause this is actually

my first time.

I'm kidding.

Been doing this

about three and a half years.

Know the river inside and out,

okay?

Uh, got my guide certificate

from a cracker Jack box.

That's a joke.

Guys, it's a joke.

See the little kid's face?

He's all, "a cracker Jack box?"

A what?!"

All you gotta do is follow

my instructions out there.

And we got a 50-50 chance

of coming back alive.

I'm kidding, guys.

See the little kid's face,

he's all,

"I'm coming back alive!

I don't wanna die!"

Uh, sorry, hang on a second.

I-I'm getting a call

from my fiancée here.

Actually, just got engaged

two weeks ago,

so I think I'm gonna take this

or the river's not gonna be

the only hot water I'm in today.

River's actually very cold.

Hey, boo.

Wow.

This is awesome.

We're about to set sail

through one of America's

greatest aquatic treasures.

- Kevin, don't hit your brother.

- I didn't.

You heard what he said about

the aquatic treasures

and everything, right?

- Yeah.

- And you didn't wanna hit him?

- Hmm, well, that's progress.

- Wow.

I don't understand, though.

Like, what are you even saying?

But j-just like that?!

I-I love you! You love me!

Tanya, please!

Please, just let's think

about this for a second, honey.

You're all that I have

in this world!

Tanya, no, babe. No, Tanya! No!

Please don't hang up!

No! No! Goddamn it!

Who's ready to go on the river?

Um, are you okay, Chad?

Oh, yeah!

Turns out,

I'm not engaged anymore.

So...

All aboard.

I don't know about this, Russ.

Oh, come on. He's kidding.

What?

We're a day away

from walley world.

Dad, I don't think any of us

really care about Walley World.

The boys are right, Russ.

I mean,

we almost died back there.

I mean, isn't it time

that we just cut our losses?

I cannot believe

what I'm hearing.

I... oh. Oh, my God!

Huh? All right.

That has to be a sign, right?

We were meant

to finish this trip.

Come on, guys,

everybody sing it with me.

- We're losing the station, Russ.

- We're not losing anything.

Yes, we are, just...

We just have to listen

a little harder!

Okay, no, no, no.

It's gone. It's gone.

- Just let it go!

- Fine!

Just thought

we could all sing seal together

like normal families do.

Ah, crap!

Now what?

We're almost out of gas.

Oh, my God.

It's all right.

I'm sure we will find

a place to fill up around here

before we run out.

Ugh. Man. No signal at all.

Wonder if the prancer

has roadside assistance.

How would we even call them?

Maybe it's one of the buttons

on the fob.

Seriously? You're gonna keep

pressing buttons?

Well,

we never tried the top hat.

Oh, geez.

Oh, my God!

Well, now we know

what the top hat does.

I'm not gonna do the swastika.

All that's left is the muffin.

Come on, muffin.

- What?

- It started!

- Yes!

- All right!

Oh! Must be the extra gas tank.

- Right?

- Oh! The muffin!

Dad to the rescue!

- Thank God.

- Wait, where's it going?

Wait! Wait a minute!

Make it... Make it stop!

I don't know how!

I'll hit the muffin again!

All right. We can handle this.

Oh, no, no, no.

Please don't say that.

Do not say that we can

handle this, Russ.

- Okay?

- We can.

No, we can't! We can't!

From the moment we left

for this trip,

nothing has gone right.

Can you please just admit

that this was a mistake?

But it wasn't. Right?

We all wanted to go.

- I didn't.

- Me neither.

No. Me neither.

You wanted to go.

All right, I think tempers

are getting a little hot

right now.

We just have to, uh...

We just all have to...

Fuck me!

I give up!

All I wanted to do

was take my fuckin' family

on a fuckin' trip

to walley world

and ride

the fucking velociraptor!

Ow! There's a rock in that.

I guess I'm the asshole

for trying to bring my family

closer together, right?

What do I get?

Kids who don't wanna be with me,

and a wife who's miserable.

- Russ.

- Oh, come on, Debbie.

You know it's true.

You think you settled for me.

You think I'm a loser

regional pilot.

Well, guess what?

I get offers from international

carriers all the time,

and I turn them down.

Why?

Because I don't wanna be away

from you and the kids that long.

I'm an idiot!

I should take one of those jobs

and fly off

to the Pyramids of Zambezi

and the lost gardens

of wherever the fuck!

Just forget it.

Forget this whole, stupid trip.

You people are on your own.

I'm sure you'll find

a better husband and father.

A cowboy with a huge six-pack

who will take you to Paris

and wrestling and... to books.

What...

Wait, where are you going?

Fuck if I know!

Ow! God!

These tumbleweeds are all filled

with things that are hard!

What the...

Oh, no.

Help.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Stop!

Come on. Go, go, go!

Help!

No!

Help!

Don't you kill him! Dad!

I'm so sorry.

When I called you a pedophile,

I was...

No! No, no, no, no!

No! Not...

Not in front of my family!

Your wife left this

in a truck stop in Missouri.

Thought you might want it back.

Oh, my God.

Wait! Wait!

Is that my ring?

This man's been trying to

return it to us the whole time.

I don't know

how I could ever thank you.

No thanks necessary.

It was on my way.

So you're not a rapist?

Looks like your car's

pretty messed up.

Where you headed?

Um...

Home, I guess.

Well, I can take you

as far as San Francisco.

Will that help?

Yeah. Yeah, th-that'll work.

Thank you.

All right, come on, guys.

Thank you.

He still didn't answer me.

Oh, Kevin.

Well, thanks for the ride.

Really appreciate it.

Hey, you know, you never told us

why you keep that Teddy bear

on the front of your truck.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it makes the kids

feel more comfortable.

Oh, yeah? You... you have kids?

Nope.

Right. Take care.

Well, I guess that's that.

Yeah.

We'll get a flight home

tomorrow.

Do not stay here!

It's the worst bed and breakfast

we've ever been to!

They oughta

shut this place down!

The owner is a lunatic!

You all come back now, ya hear?

Hey!

Look who made it!

Ellen!

Oh, there you are. They're here!

Hi, Dad.

We were so happy

to get that call.

How was your trip?

- Well, it's a long story.

- Give me a hug.

- Hi, Grandpa.

- Come here, you two.

Oh, my gosh!

You're Gettin' so big!

Hey, come on, let's go inside.

- Grandpa, you don't have to.

- No, I can do it. Really.

- Oh, Russ.

- Clark.

Oh, no. I got this.

I'm fine.

Ow. This really hurts.

And that's when

the muffin made the car explode.

But it didn't really matter

because our luggage

and all of our stuff

had already been stolen

by the guy with the rat

on his shoulder.

They even took my guitar.

Oh, James, that's terrible.

A musician without

his instrument

is as bad as a shoemaker

without a toilet seat.

I may have something for you.

It's very fragile. Look.

- You take care of that.

- Wow, Grandpa.

Thank you so much.

- Cool!

- Yeah!

Doesn't look like much,

but that's

a very special guitar.

It was given to me

by Bob Dillon.

The Bob Dylan?

No. A Bob Dillon.

D-I-L-L-O-N.

An accountant friend of mine.

But it was given to him

by Jimmy Hendricks.

The Jimi Hendrix?

No.

So how's

the b-and-b business going?

We love it, are you kidding?

It's a great fit for us.

We love visitors.

We love having people around

to care for.

We're people people.

Hey, guys.

You mind if we join you?

We're occupied right now.

Beat it.

Hmm. All right, guys,

it's gettin' late.

Why don't you go to bed, okay?

- Okay, Mom.

- Yeah. I'll run you upstairs.

Good night, Grandma and Grandpa.

- Nighty-night.

- Thank you.

Sleep tight.

Well, you've certainly

had an adventure.

Well, yes.

"Adventure"

is one way to put it.

How's Audrey?

Oh, she's great.

Yeah, she and Stone,

they seem to be very happy.

Key word there is "seem."

What do you mean?

Their marriage is a sham.

What?

Well, they sleep around

on each other.

Been doin' it for years.

Oh, my gosh.

I just wish Audrey had found

a more solid marriage

like you and Rusty.

Hey, Russ, can we talk?

I knew we had some problems.

Is it this bad?

Is our marriage dying?

No.

No, a marriage only dies

when you stop trying.

And you have never

stopped trying.

I just think maybe I did.

What do you mean?

I've only been thinking

about myself, you know?

I wanted to change the routine,

and I want to go on

exotic trips and...

Yeah, there's nothing wrong

with that.

I was crazy to think

I could make us closer

by locking us in a car

for a week.

No, but you were doing that

for us.

You have been trying so hard

to make this trip memorable

for me and the kids, and...

And I didn't appreciate that.

But why would you?

I mean, I've put you

through some serious shit.

Literally,

a pool of shit in Arkansas.

You deserve better.

What, better than you?

How many men

would sacrifice their careers

for their family like you have?

Oh, I didn't sacrifice anything.

I have everything

I've ever wanted.

Debbie.

Yeah?

Will you continue to be my wife?

I was wondering when you were

gonna give that back to me.

I was wondering

if you still wanted it.

I do.

Wait a minute.

Are we gonna do this?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna pound the shit

out of you.

- Russ!

- What?

Lock the door.

I'm gonna lock the shit

out of that door.

Hey, Dad.

Morning, Rusty.

You think you could drive us

to the airport this afternoon?

There's a flight

back to Chicago at 4:00.

Chicago?

What about Walley World?

Oh, no.

We, uh... we've had enough.

This trip's been a nightmare.

Well, that's what

family vacations are.

But you can't give up, Russ.

Well, why not?

I mean, they always say

"it's not the destination,

"it's the journey," right?

The journey sucks.

That's what makes you

appreciate the destination.

You had a dream to take

your family to walley world.

Never let that go.

I know I didn't.

Well, how would

we even get to Walley World?

We don't have a car.

Hey, come on.

You leave that to me.

Oops. Wrong door.

Could I, uh, take the Nissan?

No. No.

Wait, Dad, I thought

we were going to the airport.

Boys, when your father

makes you a promise,

he keeps it.

- That's not right.

- This sucks.

Wow.

This place is huge.

This is dope as fuck.

- Kevin.

- Kevin.

Told you you guys

would love it, right?

Hey, Dad.

It really is dope as fuck.

I know, right?

- Guys!

- Oh, wait!

There she is. The Velociraptor.

I can't believe

we actually made it.

I know.

Mwah!

You guys ready

for the ride of your life?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, hells yeah.

If I'm being honest,

it looks a little daunting.

Come on. Race you to the ride.

Yeah, go, go! Faster! Come on!

Two more hours, guys.

Oh, my gosh.

All right, guys. Get psyched!

Yes!

This is it! This is why we came

all this way.

Excuse us.

What was that?

Last ride tonight.

Park's closin'.

- No, we were next.

- What?

Oh, no, no. That's not okay.

- That's not...

- This is ridiculous.

Hey. Excuse me.

You just cut in front of us.

No, see,

we bought the platinum pass

so we get to skip the lines.

Fifth time today on this one.

Right, well, w-w-we just drove

2,500 miles to ride this ride

so you can't just take our spot.

Wait a minute, you...

Econo air.

Yeah?

Good to see ya.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you and your family

go fuck yourselves.

I'm sorry, guys.

Oh, my God!

Okay.

You're a dead man.

Get off!

Oh, it's on.

Kevin, no!

Wait, James.

No, you're not gonna fight.

I'm not gonna stand here

like a little bitch.

What?!

Oh, shit!

No, Kevin. Kevin, no.

Kevin, come on.

You people are fucking crazy!

What kind of a family are you?

We're the Griswolds!

See you around you piece of ass!

- Let's do this.

- All right.

Oh, man. I haven't been

in a fight like that for years.

First car, all right!

Man, our family

fucked that family up.

We did.

Did you see how I scratched

that girl's arm?

Oh, I saw it, honey.

You gave her a good scratch.

Yeah, my fingers

still hurt a little,

but I think I'll be okay.

Oh, boy. Here we go!

- Hold on.

- Oh, gosh!

Russ?

Yeah-huh?

Is it supposed to

stay upside-down like this?

Yeah. I don't think so.

Oh.

Dad, are we stuck?

Looks that way, pal.

My eyes,

they're starting to bulge.

I'm sure

they'll have us down any minute.

Well, guys, what'd you think

of walley world?

Yeah.

Listen, boys.

I can't tell you how much

it's meant to me

to spend all this time with you.

I love you

more than anything in the world.

And if I could, I'd spend

every single day with you.

So, we'll see you in a week.

Wait, what's going on?

Petersons are gonna pick you up

at O'Hare,

and you'll stay with them.

Where are we going?

Someplace I shoulda taken you

a long time ago.

How did you get

free tickets to Paris?

I used my connections

as a pilot.

Oh, you're amazing.

Well, you are my queen,

and you deserve

to be treated like one.

I know

it's not exactly first-class

or coach.

Honey, it's perfect.

Yeah?

So how long is the flight?

12 hours.

Perfect.