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Vacation (2015) - full transcript

Hoping to bring his family closer together and to recreate his childhood vacation for his own kids, an adult Rusty Griswold takes his wife and two sons on a cross-country road trip to Walley World. Needless to say, things don't go quite as planned.


Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain, Rusty Griswold.
Hope you've enjoyed your 18-minute flight
from South Bend.
We'll be touching down
at Chicago's midway very shortly.
We'd like to thank you for flying with us today
because at Econo air, we're working hard
to win back your trust.
Harry, you mind takin' over while I hit the Lav?
Sure thing, Rusty.
Thank you very much.
Oh, and Rusty.
Mm-hmm. I wanna thank you
for goin' to bat for me last week.
I was happy to do it.
You know, just 'cause corporate says you're too old to fly,
it doesn't make it true.
If anything, you're more qualified than us younger guys.
Means a lot to me.
Sure thing.
- Oh, and Rusty. - Mm-hmm.
I wanna thank you for goin' to bat for me last week.
Yeah.
You bet.
Dad, is that the pilot?
It sure is.
He just came from the cockpit.
Whoa!
Hey there, little guy. Hi!
Is this your first time on a plane?
We were planning on driving,
but Tyler here has been beggin' us
to go on his first airplane.
Oh, is that right? Uh-huh.
Do you think I can be a pilot when I grow up?
Yeah, well, I don't see why not.
You just have to study hard
and listen to your parents, all right?
Whoa! Oh.
O-Okay.
Sorry about that.
Little bit of rough air.
It's okay. Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Uh, don't, uh, don't worry about it.
Hey. We call that "turbulence," all right?
That's when the plane...
Oh!
Oh, so sorry.
Okay. You folks enjoy the rest of your flight.
Let me give you a hand.
Can you please stay the fuck away from us?!
Harry! You took us up to 60,000 feet!
What're you doing?!
Oh, Rusty.
I wanna thank you for goin' to bat for me last week.
Or the time that pan continental
put us up at the Ritz in Barcelona.
You know, I'll tell ya one thing about the Spanish women...
They, uh, they love them some airline pilots.
They do!
I never took the uniform off except when I did.
Ladies.
All full. You're gonna have to wait for the next one.
But I was... You were what?
I'll catch the next one.
See ya around, Econo air.
It's the third time this month. I know.
You have to do something about him. I will.
He's always picking on me. I know he is.
I'm so sorry, honey. Hey.
Hey. Hi.
What's going on here? Oh, you'll see.
Kevin! Get down here, please.
Look what Kevin did to my guitar.
Aw. Not again.
God. You told Mom and Dad?
You have such a vagina.
Okay, enough. Enough.
Now, young man, we talked about
the bullying of your older brother.
That's right. We don't make fun of someone
just 'cause they're a little different from us.
D... I don't have a vagina!
I'm just saying that even if you did,
it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.
No! Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina?!
I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.
Kevin, apologize to your brother, please.
Fine. I'm sorry.
Now, go to your room.
I was in my fucking room.
Whoa. Hey, Kevin? Get back down here.
Now listen.
There are a lot of boys who are born with vaginas.
It's very hard for them.
Honey. Hmm?
W-why?
It's a teachable Moment, hon.
Gender fluidity, right?
It's a very serious issue.
I'm not gender-fluid.
It doesn't matter if you are.
The point is, your Mom and I would love you
even if you were completely blank down there.
Okay, that's not... This is not the point.
This... none... Kevin? Just go to your room.
Hey, James, don't get your gender fluid on me.
- Awesome. - Stop!
It's not a fluid!
And what about my guitar?
It... It's ruined.
Let me have a look.
Here ya go. That'll do for now.
Now get washed up.
The Petersons are coming over for dinner.
Mwah.
Okay, baby.
Oh, gosh.
I'll get you a new guitar. Okay?
Oh, use the vitamix. Just grind it up.
The dry bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sheila.
So do you have to work tomorrow?
So, um, S-Sheila.
'Cause I want to go to the movies with my friends.
Sheila.
What?
Do you like school this year?
It's okay.
"So, do you like school this year?"
That's seriously what you sound like.
Just shut up.
God, I'm tellin' you, Russ,
you've gotta get
one of these Go-Kart Kits.
What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gary and I spent
the last two months building this thing.
We took her out this morning for the first time.
Holy moly.
Fun?
No, no, it was terrible.
Oh, yeah, it was fun!
Hot damn! It's a Go-Kart.
G-Man, get over here.
G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, G-Man. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, my God, my G-Man.
I love him.
Get in there. What? Oh, I didn't...
What? What? What?
Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.
Get in there. Blblblblbl!
Oh, man! I love you so much.
Oh. Oh, tell Mr. Griswold how dope our Go-Kart is.
It's got a Zanardi chassis
and a four-stroke Briggs & Stratton engine.
Wow. And you guys built this together? Yep.
We worked on it every day after homework and toothbrushin'.
I love... get over here. Get over here, man.
Aah! Aah!
Work it, sugar Ray.
Come on, sugar Ray. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
He's workin' me over.
I'm gonna eat your face!
Kevin, James, get over here!
No.
Come on.
Oh! Oh! There you are!
Ow. Ow.
Whoa-ho! Dad, stop.
Come on, man. What are you doing?
Come on. We're sparring. We do this all the time.
- No. We never do this. - Come on.
Mnh. Ow. Hey! Don't... don't hit your old man.
I don't wanna be a part of this.
Whoa!
D... what are you doing? Aah! Aah! Aah!
This is how accidents happen. Sacrifice!
Aah! Dad!
Let go of me. Stop! Why did you do that?
I'm sorry, man.
Come on. I was just foolin' around.
That wasn't fun. Like we always do.
We never do that. Hey.
What do you say you and I build a Go-Kart together?
If we have to.
Yeah! All right!
G-Man! Get outta here.
Get outta here, G-Man!
D-Did you just steal my son's nickname?
I'm not sure about... Oh, shoot.
Oh. Dang it.
Wow. Your ring is getting loose, there, Deb.
Mm. Yeah. Are you losin' weight?
Yeah. I am. You know what I've been doing?
Spinning.
Yeah. It's a... It's a great stress reliever.
Now, I'm gonna tell you what's an even greater stress reliever.
And that is a week in Paris.
Oh, my gosh! I saw that on Instagram.
All your pictures were so great.
Oh, so you did see 'em. Yeah!
Well, that's funny 'cause I was gonna ask
how come you didn't like any of 'em.
What do you mean? I just said I did.
Well, no, all my other friends,
uh, who saw my Paris pics, they clicked "like."
You were the only one who didn't click "like."
Oh.
I guess I just didn't get around
to actually clicking "like" on them.
Okay, 'cause look at this one.
Now, in this one,
we have Sheila and Gary wearin' berets.
I know. Right? Bonjour.
I know. I like that one so much.
It's so cute. But you didn't "like" it.
Okay.
Now, here are the four of us at the Arc De Triomphe.
Didn't "like" that. Didn't "like" my children.
Didn't "like" my man kissin' on me.
I-I-I promise you, the second you guys leave,
I am gonna go upstairs online,
and I am gonna click "like" on every single one of them.
Honestly, honey, it really... I promise.
It makes no difference to me.
So, are you guys going anywhere special this summer?
Oh, I wish. Yeah. No.
We're... we are renting the same cabin
that we've been renting for 10 years
in Cheboygan, Michigan. Wow.
The boys call it "Che-boring," Michigan.
Isn't that funny?
Why don't you just go someplace else?
Oh, no. We can't. Rusty loves it so much.
I would break his heart if I told him that we hate the cabin.
Oh, boy. Yeah.
I understand. I understand.
Yeah. Well, you know what the good news is?
Hmm?
Honestly, even if you go there
and you don't have a great time, baby,
at least you know
that I will click "like" on all your photos.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Nancy.
Look! Look!
What the fuck is this?
- Louie! - Yes, sir.
Oh, you're back there! Get out!
What the fuck is this?!
Hey, madam. How much capellini are you throwing away?
What are you doing, Melinda?
What are you doing?
- You're making me mad! - Yes, chef.
So fucking mad! Yes, chef.
- Joseph! - Yes, chef.
Guys, I have exciting news.
James has aids?!
What? No! That's horrible.
I'd be excited. Well, what is it? What is it?
The four of us are gonna take a little trip.
Paris.
Hmm? No. Much better.
We're driving to Walley World.
What?
This family's in a rut.
We gotta shake things up. Right?
Spend a little quality time.
And of course, it wouldn't hurt
for the boys to learn to get along a little better.
Uh, by locking them in a car together? Yeah.
This is some bullshit right here!
Hey! Language! Well, it is!
I'm gonna miss the first week of wrestling practice!
We'll find a wrestling range along the way.
That's not even a thing!
And, Dad, no offense,
but I just don't wanna do my first big road trip
to some corporate theme park, you know?
I'd like to explore the real America,
like, uh, Jack Kerouac or the Merry Pranksters.
Ow.
Don't say weird shit! Ow!
Kevin! Bullying! Guys, come on.
My trip to Walley World when I was a kid
was the best time I ever had.
So you just wanna redo your vacation from 30 years ago?
Don't you think that's gonna be kind of a letdown?
No, no, no, no. We're not redoing anything.
This will be completely different.
For one thing, the original vacation had a boy and a girl.
This one has two boys.
And I'm sure that there will be lots of other differences.
I've never even heard of the original vacation.
Doesn't matter.
The new vacation will stand on its own.
Okay?
Come on, honey.
What do you say? We can drive out and fly back.
Oh, what the heck.
It couldn't be as bad as that stupid cabin, right, honey?
That's the spirit. All right.
Fuck me.
Are we gonna drive all that way in your little car, Dad?
Not exactly.
- Come on, guys. - What?
How come you didn't follow me just then?
Oh. You wanted us to?
Yeah. That's why I dangled the key like that.
Oh, well, I don't... Why else would I...?
You could have just said, "come with me."
Look what your Dad rented.
What the hell is that?
Kevin.
That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.
Did you say "Tartan," honey? Yeah.
Tartan's the Honda of Albania.
Why'd you get an Albanian car, Dad?
Well, it turns out renting a family car on Memorial Day weekend
doesn't leave you with a lot of options.
But this baby is pretty sweet.
It's got all the latest Albanian technology.
Plug-in hybrid.
Oh, wow. Eco-friendly. Good.
So any time we run outta juice, we can just pull right over,
and... plug in.
I don't... I don't know what that is.
Never seen an outlet for that.
Should it retract, or...
You would think it would retract.
It just... Huh.
If it just... No, it doesn't. It's... Yeah.
Cup holder?
I think you coil it.
I think you just coil it like that.
Right? And then you close it right up.
Doesn't matter. We've still got two gas tanks.
Why two? Carry twice as much gas.
Why not just have one big tank?
It's twice the gas, buddy.
Actually the same volume.
Two small... Shh.
It has six ashtrays.
Six. Wow.
Hope you guys like Smokin'! Right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What's with all the mirrors?
Safer.
But... Oh!
And this is amazing.
I can control the entire car from the fob.
What do all the buttons mean?
No clue. But we'll figure it out.
Honey, is that... Is that a swastika on there?
Yeah. We won't use that.
This is my favorite part.
Slam the door on my arm.
What? It has a sensor.
It won't let you slam the door on your arm or leg.
Honey, I'm not doing that.
The rental guy showed me. Just do it.
Okay. Do it!
Do it. Kinda fun.
Slam it. All right.
There ya go. Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh!
Oh, my gosh! Ohh.
God damn it! Oh, my God!
Why did you have me do that?
Ohh.
Oh. Oh, I didn't have the sensor activated.
Okay.
I'm an idiot. Do it again.
No! Absolutely not.
Come on. It'll be fine. I just activated it.
No, I'm not gonna do it!
Don't be chicken.
Fine!
Aah! Ow! Aah!
Shit!
Why did you do that?
Really?
You're right. I'm sorry.
Ohh. Nobody slam their arm in the door, okay?
Can I slam it on James' balls?
So you admit I have balls? Yeah, they hang outta your vagina.
Okay, you two stop that. Guys, come on. There's plenty of time for that.
Please. Go on and get packed.
We're hittin' the road today.
Okay.
Guess we're leaving today. Phew!
All right. Let's go, guys.
Ah.
Hey, honey. What's all that?
Well, this is my dream journal,
whimsy log, wish diary,
my poems.
And this bad boy is going to be
a stream of consciousness travel log, so...
Yeah.
Come on, honey, every boy that age
has a stack of diaries.
Okay, gang.
Seat belts on!
Two full tanks of gas!
Honey, GPS check?
Yes. Yes. Roger that.
Okay.
Your destination is 2,560 miles ahead.
Walley world, here we come.
Well, we're almost out of gas.
What? How is that possible?
We've been driving for less than an hour.
Hey, Dad, what's so special about Walley World?
I mean, we have plenty of theme parks at home.
Well, walley world is home
of the one and only Velociraptor.
What the hell is that?
It's only the newest, scariest roller coaster
in the country.
450 feet tall, 110 miles an hour,
triple corkscrew loop.
Yeah. Oh, hey! Look at this!
Looks like we got ourselves a little old convoy.
Let's say "Hi."
Oh, my goodness. It has a CD Radio in it?
Yeah. Comes standard in all prancers.
This way we can talk to truckers. Okay.
Now, guys, you just have to speak their lingo.
All right, I'm gonna ask him if there's any police up ahead.
Breaker 1-9 to rubber ducky.
You got any smokey the bears in your kitchen? Over.
You're clean and green for the next 20 klicks.
He replied! I know!
What did that even mean?
I have no idea, but who cares?
He seems nice.
He does seem nice, doesn't he?
Copy that, good buddy. Over.
Oh, can I try, Dad?
Yeah, course.
When you finish talking, say "over."
Okay. Cool. Okay.
Breaker 1-9,
my friend Jessie says all truck drivers are rapists.
Are you a rapist? Kevin, no!
No! Oh. Sorry.
Over. No! No.
What are you doing?
What? It's a question. You're ruining it.
Sorry about that there, good buddy.
You know how little boys are when their mouths get goin'.
I don't... Not to imply that you are...
Fond of when little boys' mouths get goin' in any way.
I-I'm not suggesting
that you are a sex offender or a pedophile.
Okay, no! Yeah.
So that's the CD Radio, guys.
Neat, huh?
Hey, Dad, what's a pedophile?
Mm, well, Kevin,
when a man and a boy love each other very mu... No.
No.
I have to piss. Me, too.
Okay, go with him, please, and keep an eye on him.
Okay. Thank you.
Look at that. The boys are bonding already.
Mm-hmm.
Isn't this the best?
Yeah.
Do you remember,
back when you were just getting your pilot's license
and you and I would sit there
and we'd talk about all those, like,
overseas trips we would take and stuff? Oh.
Yeah, of course, that's when I thought
I was gonna fly for one of the big guys.
I know it's not the most glamorous airline,
but Econo air, it's been pretty good to us.
As far as I'm concerned,
right here with you and the boys,
this is paradise.
There was a hole in the side of my stall.
Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole. Russ?
Hmm? No.
All right. Let's hit the road. Okay.
Go to sleep! Go to sleep!
What... What's wrong with you?!
I just wanted to see how long you could hold your breath
before you black out.
Don't do that! I could have died.
Whatever.
Goddamn it. Kevin!
Hey, honey, why'd we get off the highway?
Well, I thought it would be fun
for the kids to see where you went to college.
Oh, God. Why would that be fun for them, honey?
Well, you could give us a tour.
Maybe one of them could study there one day.
Oh, no. No way, man.
I've got my sights set
on something a little more Ivy league.
Oh.
Little fucker.
What, Ma? I love you.
That's what I said.
Love you, too. I said I love you.
Let's just see how far it is.
You are 9.2 miles from your destination.
Oh. All right.
Check the best route.
Oh! I changed the language.
That's not it.
What is that?
Uh, I don't know. I... Korean?
Oh, God, it's horrible! Oh.
Just please turn it off, Russ.
The menu's all in Korean now. I don't know what to press.
Why is it so much angrier than the other voices?
Why don't we just... Honey, it doesn't...
It like when you touch it, okay?
Just leave it alone. Let it calm down.
Wow. This place has not changed a bit.
Isn't that Sorority Row?
Mm-hmm.
Let's go check out your house.
Oh, no, honey.
Don't you... don't you think we should get back on the road?
No, come on. It'll be fun.
It's... It's just a boring, old house.
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah! That's what's up!
I cannot believe that they are still doing this.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug
what is it?
Uh, it is the Tri-Pi Chug run.
You have to chug a big pitcher of beer
and then you have to get through the course as fast as you can.
And you did this? 'Cause you hardly drink.
No. Yeah.
But, honey, it's for charity. See?
Hi. Would you like to donate to assburgers?
Oh, no. We're just stopping by.
I was a Tri-Pi a long time ago, so...
In fact, the Chug run was my idea.
It was?
Yeah.
Wait. Are you Debbie Fletcher?
Yeah.
Oh, my shit.
Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you!
Guys! Come here! Bring over the book!
It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.
- How do you know who I am? - Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
You're like a legend at Tri-Pi!
You're Debbie do-anything!
Uh, Debbie do-anything?
Go play.
Yeah, look! See?
Huh? Oh, God.
Is it true that you climbed the clock tower naked?
Of course not.
Did you really show your tits to anyone who asked?
- Honey, we should go. - Wha... Wha... hang... hang on.
I heard that you stuck a finger in the Dean's dick.
Did you really burn down the taco bell?
I heard that you fucked Anthony Hopkins.
I heard that, if people bop you on your head,
gold coins come out of your butt.
Okay, ladies. Uh... What?!
I think I know my wife pretty well,
and she wouldn't have done any of those things.
But you know what?
What's important is not whether I did them
or I didn't do them.
What's important is
that you guys are idolizing very bad behavior here.
Uh, Ew.
You don't sound like Debbie do-anything.
I had a feeling she was all hype.
Bet she didn't even come up with the Chug run.
Hey! Wait a min... Excuse me.
I did come up with the Chug run, all right?
And I ran it.
Sure you did. No, I did.
In 16 seconds, okay? Okay, hon.
Prove it.
She can't do it now. She's old.
Excuse me, girl?
I didn't mean it like that.
I just mean... You're old.
Oh, oh, yeah!
Never heard that laugh before. I don't like it.
Hold my bag. Unh-Unh.
Why? I'm not... You're not...
You're not actually going on this thing. Yes, I am.
This Chug run raised
thousands of dollars for charity, all right?
Now, I might not have gotten good grades while I was here.
But at least I did something. Yeah, it sounds like you did a lot.
You stuck your finger in the Dean's penis.
You know, honey, it's not important
what I stuck my finger in and what I burnt down, all right?
What is important right now
is that these Fuckin' bitches are disrespecting me,
and that ain't right, okay? "Bitches"?
Bring it on.
No one's calling me old. Fuck you.
All right, boobs, pitcher! Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Three! Two! One!
Oh, honey.
What's Mom doing?
She's, uh, teaching these bitches a-a lesson.
This is the best thing I've ever seen.
Go! Go! Go!
Why is she puking so much?
It's for assburgers.
Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!
Mom, you should try and stay hydrated.
What? What are you doing?
How 'bout some tunes?
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
I love this song!
Guys, it's seal!
Everybody sing it with me.
Come on, guys.
Deb?
Guys? No?
Is this a man or a woman singing?
And the coolest man ever! He overcame lupus!
"Batman forever"?
He's come back to kill us.
Gun it, Russ! Gunning it!
You gotta go faster, Dad! Go faster!
The Prancer doesn't go any faster!
Okay, well, what are we gonna do?!
Let me see... maybe if I press this rabbit button,
it'll, like, give it a boost or something.
Yes. Try it!
Why would there be a button for that?
And why is it a rabbit?!
Okay. Um... Rocket!
Rocket. Here you go. Try that! Yes.
- What? - What?
- What's happening? - Why am I swiveling? I'm swiveling!
I don't know! I don't know!
Grab the wheel! Grab the wheel!
- Hit the brake! Hit the gas! Hit the gas! - Okay, I'm...
I don't wanna die!
Okay, I got the wheel! I got the wheel! Okay! Okay!
Okay, what are we gonna do?
I have an idea. What?
Handbrake turn. What?
I pull the wheel to the left, yank the handbrake,
we do a 180, cross the median, drive right past him.
You know how to do that, Dad?
If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I.
Why are you as good as Vin Diesel?
Hang on!
That's not what I was trying to do.
Everybody okay? Oh, shit!
Go, Dad! Dad! Dad! Go! Go!
Oh, my God. Oh, God!
Whoa!
Oh, shit!
Goddamn it.
All right, boys. This is you.
I call both beds!
You get one bed.
If you guys need anything, Mom and I are right next door.
Oh, I think I saw a hot tub, Dad.
Is it okay if I take a soak?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
But if anyone tries to shove you in their car,
you give 'em a good scratch like I showed ya.
I will. All right. Attaboy.
Thanks.
So... How come you never told me
about the whole Debbie do-anything thing?
Come on, that was so long ago.
Yeah, but it's part of who you are and...
I wanna know all about you.
All right. Well, that's fair. What do you wanna know?
How many guys did you sleep with before me? Oh, no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no. Ah, come on.
Come on. That's not important.
Well, no, I know. But I'm just...
You really need to know?
It just...
Oh, okay. I'm just curious.
Okay, okay.
Um... let's see.
Hmm.
And then... um...
Kinda takin' you a little while.
Okay, so, uh, around... th...
Three. Three.
That's actually reassuring,
'cause it's the same as me.
No. Didn't say three.
13. 13?
Nope.
And it's not three?
It's around... It's around 30.
30! Hoo!
Wow! Holy cow.
See, now I feel like you're judging me.
I'm judging me.
Your number is so much higher than mine.
Yes, it is a big number, but that doesn't matter.
Honey, it doesn't matter.
You're... you're so cool.
I-I-I-I feel like a loser.
You are not a loser.
Okay? Yeah?
'Cause, uh, I had to work pretty hard
just to get those three.
Had to take care of Jenny's grandfather
for months before she slept with me.
And he was racist.
Please don't base it on me.
I was, like, crazy back then.
I was completely immature and acting out
and just really, like, free with my body,
and that's just not who I am anymore.
That's not who we are.
Well... we're pretty free with our bodies.
But, y-you have to admit I-I feel like we've gotten...
Like, less free with our bodies.
But we have sex every week with our bodies.
We do. But, I mean, it's gotten a little routine, babe.
You know, you always
are lighting that same yankee candle...
and everything.
And I don't know,
it might be nice
to mix it up a little bit every once in a while.
Okay? No big deal.
I-I-I'm gonna go take a shower.
Okay? I'm gonna take one with you.
Hmm?
Uh... We'll have sex in it.
Yeah. In the shower.
How's that for Gettin' free with our bodies,
Debbie do-anything?
I like that. Yeah.
Oh, Russ.
Just be careful not to drop the soap.
Oh, I won't.
What?
This is fun and different.
I know. It is.
You are so cute when you get excited about stuff.
Mm. Mm. You're, like, so cute always.
Aww. Honey.
Oh.
Aah! Oh, my... holy shit!
Are those mushrooms?!
It looks like somebody blew their head off in there.
Oh, God.
God.
So, should we, uh...
Should we get in or...
No, right?
Yeah. I'm gonna see if there's somethin' to clean that with.
Mm.
Maybe the housekeeping left a...
Oh. Well, here's a brillo pad.
I'll just...
Russ. Yeah.
That's not a brillo pad.
It's a ball of pubic hair.
Oh! Aah!
Oh, my gosh. There's so much of it.
Who has that much pubic hair?! It's not even possible.
No, not one person. That's all different colors.
That's from, like, 30 different guys.
Oh, shut up, Russ.
No. I-I'm sorry.
You're pretty good. Oh!
Geez!
Sorry.
I, uh I didn't mean to scare you.
Hi.
Hi.
You were in the Jeep.
And you were in that plastic bag.
That was my stupid brother.
Gotcha. Big brothers suck.
Oh, no. Yeah, big.
I'm Adena.
James.
- I have a penis. - What?
It's on your guitar.
Oh.
Same brother.
- What an asshole. - Yeah.
You wanna go in?
Absolutely.
Well, what have we here?
Little Romeo and Juliet situation?
My name's Russ. Pleased to meet you both.
I'm just a stranger, passin' through town.
But I couldn't help noticing
how incredibly handsome this young man is.
What's your story? You got a girlfriend?
- No. - What?
No girlfriend?
Cute boy like that? Somebody's gonna snatch you up.
- Do you want me to call the cops? - No.
And he plays guitar? Dream boy!
- Make a muscle. - I'd...
- Do it! - Rather not.
Take your shirt off. Make a muscle.
- I really don't want to. - Don't be shy.
- Show us what you're workin' with. - All right.
Um, I should go.
Um...
Are you sure that you'll be okay?
I think so.
Okay.
Bye.
Dang it.
Dad, why would you do that?
Saw ya talkin' to her. Figured you could use a Wingman.
I didn't need a Wingman.
Well...
Looks like ya did. She left.
That's 'cause you were approaching... You know, James,
when I was your age, Grandpa Clark sat me down,
and we had a little chat.
Seeing you with that girl made me realize
that we haven't had that chat yet.
- We don't need that chat. - Yeah?
No. Come on. I know it's embarrassing.
But it'd be a lot more embarrassing
if you found yourself Tummy to Tummy
with a lady friend,
and you didn't know what goes where.
- I know what goes where. - You do?
- Uh-huh. - Ya sure?
Yep.
All right. All right.
Well, I just want you to know
I'm here to answer any questions
you might have about that stuff,
no matter how uncomfortable it seems.
Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, right. Here it comes. - Yeah. All right.
Okay.
Uh, there were some kids at school
who were talking about rim jobs.
- Mm. - So, what's that?
What's a rim job?
- Rim jobs. - Yeah.
Hmm. Is that R-I-M?
Mm-hmm.
Rim job. Country of origin.
I don't know.
Um, America.
Can I hear it in a sentence?
"What's a rim job, Dad?"
Oh.
Well, rim job.
I would guess a rim job is
when you kiss someone with your mouth closed.
Right? So you're only using the rim of your mouth.
- That's it? - Sure.
It... It felt like it was something way dirtier.
No, I mean, what else could it be?
Any other questions?
I guess not.
Good talk, James.
Now, I hope you're not too old
to let your Dad give you a good-night rim job.
Looks like we might get to aunt Audrey's before dinner.
Oh, will uncle Stone be there?
Yeah, I suppose he will.
Uncle Stone is cool.
You have to be cool to be a celebrity.
He's not exactly a celebrity.
I mean, he's a local weatherman. That's all.
A-Actually, Audrey said
that the networks are interested in him.
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
All right. Well, good for him.
Mom, do you think uncle Stone
will let me ride his horse?
I don't see why not.
- Do you think I can shoot his guns? - No, you cannot.
Too bad.
I would've shot you right off that fuckin' horse.
You know, I never would've imagined my sister
marrying such a conservative.
Oh, yeah, but just because.
Stone's political beliefs are different than ours
doesn't mean he's not good-looking.
I... um... A good person.
Ya said it!
- Uh, honey... - Hey, look at that!
Hot Springs up ahead. We've always wanted to do that.
Oh, honey, we don't wanna be late to Audrey's.
So we're a few minutes late.
We're on vacation. Right?
Come on. Let's have some fun.
Okay.
- Oh, look at the line. - This is gonna take forever.
Come on, guys.
How often do we get to soak in hot water?
Every time we take a bath.
No. This is different. 'Kay, this is natural.
This water was heated in mother nature's bowels.
Oh, gross.
There's gotta be another way in.
I'm gonna ask this gentleman.
I bet he'd know.
Excuse me, sir.
- Hi there. - Hey. Hi.
Hey, we were wondering.
Is there another entrance to the hot Springs?
Like, a secret entrance the locals use?
Line can get pretty long this time of year, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, it sure can.
Yeah, I'll tell you what y'all do.
Uh, can you see that dirt road? That path there on the left?
Yeah.
If you just follow that all the way up,
that'll take you to the hot Springs.
All right. Perfect. Thank you.
Oh, no, no. You bet.
Y'all have a good time.
Oh, will do!
Hey, what's your pet rat's name?
Is my pet what?
The...
What the fuck?
- Oh! - What the fuck?!
What the fuck?
I don't know him.
Honey, are you sure about this?
I mean, nobody else is going this way.
Yeah, well, most people think inside the box.
But you know who thinks outside the box?
Uncle Stone?
Me. Your father.
Um, honey, I don't see any hot Springs.
Well, the guy said
it was right at the end of this road, so...
Well, the guy also did not know
he had a rat on his shoulder,
so there's that.
Hold on.
Wow. Honey. This is beautiful.
- Isn't it? - Yeah.
All right, everyone.
In your bathing suits. Now!
Looks like we found our own private hot spring.
I say we call it "Griswold Springs."
Oh! The water's perfect.
Oh, my God. It's so nice.
Why does it smell like rotten eggs?
Oh, that's the sulfur, buddy.
- Yeah. - It's natural.
Yeah. And it's really good for you, too.
Actually, the minerals that are in this mud here,
they draw toxins out of your body.
- Ah. - Can you believe that?
Cool, right?
Oh, wow.
Mm.
This is perfect.
It's exactly what we needed.
Oh, yeah. Good call, Griswold.
- Oh, man. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
That's it.
I can feel my body detoxifying.
You know... It tastes a little shitty,
but I think that's part of it.
- Yeah. - That's okay.
This is wonderful.
That is the stuff!
Oh.
What is that, honey? On your ear.
What's on your ear?
What is that?
Oh, it's an ear!
Oh!
Look, James. Found a dart.
Are you crazy?!
Oh, my God! Everybody out of Griswold Springs!
- Get out of the poop! - That was nasty!
All over me!
I don't like Griswold Springs.
Is that our car alarm?
What?!
How come that local guy didn't tell us
there are thieves in these woods?
Oh, right.
He took my guitar.
Oh, my God. He took all our money, Russ.
All right. Not a best-case scenario.
But, hey. He left your book.
So, I guess we get the last laugh.
Oh, really, honey?
We're naked and covered in human waste.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. We don't know that it's human.
This is so embarrassing.
I feel like your cousin Eddie's family.
It's no big deal.
We'll just tell Stone and Audrey what happened.
Kids, remember what happened?
We pulled over to rescue a baby from a burning car
and somebody stole all of our stuff while we were distracted.
And why are we naked and covered in feces?
I don't remember.
That's right. We don't remember.
Oh, my God.
Hmm?
Oh, come on.
- What're we gonna do? - Can you gimme a hand with this?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Please?
Just... yeah.
Oh, gosh.
I-I can't. I can't... I can't get it off.
- Use your spit. - Oh, okay.
Focus on the balls.
If you guys wanna stop, that'd be good, too.
Stay on the balls. I've got the shaft.
Hi, y'all!
Hey! Oh, my goodness. Hi!
- Hi. - What happened?
Well, that's a... It's a crazy story, um...
Dad got scammed by a guy at a park.
- Kevin! - Same old Rusty.
You'd buy water from a faucet.
Anyway, you guys look disgusting.
So, um, I have some clothes
that I was gonna give to the church
if you guys wanna borrow some of those.
Great. Thank you, Audrey.
- Come on inside. - Thanks.
All right.
Boy, y'all stink.
Oh, I don't like that.
Man, this place makes our house look like shit.
Well, Kevin,
that's only 'cause a dollar goes much further out here
than it does in Chicago.
Especially when you make a lot more of 'em.
Ha.
Just messin' with ya. Shoot!
You boys are growin' faster than a weed under a faucet.
You still wrasslin', son?
- Uh-huh. - Oh? Well, come on.
Show me what ya got.
Hey, Kevin. Get off your brother, please.
They're just havin' themselves a wrassle.
It's what brothers do.
Hey, ooh, look at you guys.
Hot damn. Debbie Griswold.
You just keep Gettin' prettier.
- Oh, stop. - No, I mean it.
You could make hot water come out of the cold faucet.
That's... that's very sweet.
You know, I remember the night you first wore that dress.
- You remember that night? - Yeah, I remember that night.
- I'll never forget that night. - Neither will I, baby.
You're my Fuckin' husband.
Oh, betcha I am. I'm your caveman.
I'll rip you in half.
Ooh.
I wanna have all your babies.
Ooh. Ooh, baby.
I hit the Fuckin' jackpot with you.
Oh, God, what I'm gonna do to you tonight.
Who wants to see Stone's man cave?
- Uh... - Yeah.
Is this Charlton Heston?
Yep. Chuck was a good friend.
I can't tell ya how many nights we spent
drinkin' bourbon together
and cryin' about the state of this country.
It's true. They did. They literally cried together.
Somehow I don't see you crying, though, Stone.
Yeah, that's, uh,
that's kind of embarrassing. Right?
Not embarrassing to me.
Even the strongest faucet sometimes lets out a few drops.
What is with these faucets?
Hey, everyone thought that F-4 twister
was gonna bypass Harris County.
Not my Stone.
I had a feelin' that that low-pressure system
was gonna make a beeline for mission bend.
Thanks to my report,
those people had an extra 15 minutes to evacuate.
Governor Perry said
he saved 2,000 lives.
That's how many we lost at Pearl Harbor,
so basically, he stopped Pearl Harbor.
That's when the national news called.
Now, between us...
It's lookin' good. Ain't it, honey?
Mm-hmm.
'Course none of that would've been possible
without my sugar mama, here,
workin' day and night
to put me through meteorology school.
I liked workin', baby.
I didn't mind it one bit.
Well, you never have to do it again, darlin'.
Um, but it kinda gave me purpose.
Nope, never again. That is a promise.
Wow. Uncle Stone, I may not agree with your politics
but that doesn't mean I don't admire you.
Well, thank you, James.
But the man you should admire the most
is sittin' right next to you.
But there's nobody there.
Oh, I don't mean that chair. I mean your Pa right here.
Okay.
He doesn't save anybody's life.
Oh, doesn't he?
Well, every time he flies that little plane of his,
he's savin' lives by not crashin'.
And in my book... That makes him a hero.
Thank you.
You know, a lot of people actually...
Not to mention, he also snagged himself
one sweet slice of foxy pie in your Mama there.
You gotta stop that today.
Stop it.
You know what I always wanted to know was...
When did you first know the weather?
Well...
- You all right, Deb? - What? What?
Hey! There's a cow!
Oh, not a cow. That's a steer.
That there is $6000 worth of juicy, Purebred Angus beef.
It's Stone's new passion, raising cattle.
He's even named them.
Uh-huh.
Old Sebastian here loves him some ribs.
Here ya go, boy.
Here. Oh, that's it.
Dad, isn't that...
Cannibalism? Yeah.
Say, if you boys wanna get up early tomorrow,
you can watch me herd these suckers into the corral.
- Oh. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You herd them yourself?
I'm a man, aren't I?
Yes.
Uh, hey, Stone,
not sure if you need a hand out there, but I'd love to help.
Yeah, sure thing, Russ, if you're up for it.
I can always use an extra set of hands.
Well, I was born with an extra set of hands.
That's an odd thing to say.
But you know, I-I-I reckon
this'll be the highlight of your trip.
Well, the real highlight, of course,
will be when we get to walley world
and I take my family on the Velociraptor.
I think it is so weird.
I don't know why you want to go back to Walley World
after Dad flipped out there.
Audrey, Dad flipped out because he loved us
and wanted us to be close.
And we were.
And that's all I want for my family.
You're such a clown.
You're a clown.
Babe, baby, I-I think Rusty's right.
You know, family is the most important thing there is.
Little somethin'.
You know, maybe we'll take baby Cooper on a trip this summer.
- Yeah, not to walley world. - Oh, God, no.
- 'Cause that'd be stupid. - That'd be stupid.
How 'bout Paris?
Oui!
Oui, Oui, Oui!
And then, when we get back, I can maybe get a part-time job?
Well, not while there's breath in my body, sweetheart.
You know, honey, I am...
I'm really happy for your sister.
- Yeah? - Seriously.
She and Stone seem really in love.
It's nice.
These pants Stone gave me
are really stretched out in the crotch, though.
That's weird. Why would they be stretched out in the...
- God, I don't know. - Oh, shit.
How much you think they paid for this house?
Whoa.
Oh, okay.
Whoa. Oh!
Should I see if Audrey has a yankee candle?
Fuck the yankee candle. I wanna do this now.
- Oh, God, you're so sexy. - Oh, what has gotten into you?
Oh, my God.
What? What, what, what?
This is because of him, isn't it?
What? Who?
Because of who?
Because of Stone.
What?!
That's why you're jumping my bones!
You're just thinking of him!
That's ridiculous.
Then how come the one night we're hangin' around with him,
you turn into some kind of sexual character?
I don't know where you're going with this,
but I can tell you right... Where's your wedding ring?
Oh. Oh, my God.
Before we got here, you took off your wedding ring?
No, I didn't. Rusty, it was loose.
You remember how loose it was?
And... and I-I m-must've just dropped it somewhere.
What was the plan, Deb?
Show up without a ring, and he'll think you're single?
How's he gonna think that I'm single
if I'm here with my husband and my two children?
I don't know. It was your plan.
It was not my pl... Okay.
Yes.
Stone is an impressive man, okay?
But I married you, Rusty.
And I am so sorry that I lost my ring,
but I would never, ever, ever take it off on purpose.
I know. I know.
I just...
I freaked out. I'm sorry.
I just...
We'll get you another ring.
I liked that one.
Hey. Y'all decent?
- Yes. Hi. - Hey.
Okay. Just wanted to make sure
y'all had everything you needed for the night.
Yep.
All right.
Man, it sure is beautiful here this time of year, ain't it?
And quiet.
Listen.
You hear that?
- No. - Exactly.
- It's perfect silence. - Mm.
Ah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, uh, TV remote. Okay, let me show ya.
We've got channels... And the volume.
On. Off.
- Pretty straightforward. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Okay. All right.
Well, uh, if you get thirsty,
there's, uh, fresh milk in the fridge
and, uh, have yourselves a good night.
- Uh-huh. - Okay.
- Night, Stone. - Good night, St-Stone.
Man.
Yeah.
Okay.
He totally just came in here
to show off his six-pack.
Hey, mornin'!
Barely.
How come you gotta do this at 6 A.M.?
Well, I gotta be at the station by 7:30
for Stone Crandall's accuweather report.
Hey, you ever ride one of these things?
Mm, no. Never have.
But, uh, can't imagine
it's more complicated than an Airbus A318.
Yeah, well, that's the spirit.
Now, the key here
is to move back and forth along the edge of the herd.
You keep your distance, though. We don't want to spook 'em.
Got it.
Are there helmets?
Yeah, I keep them with the tampons.
Just basic safety.
Aah! Whoa!
This is exciting!
It's my favorite way to start the day!
This, and makin' love to your sister.
Thank you for that.
Come on, let's go!
Well, it looks like we got us a couple of mavericks.
You take the one on the left. I'll take the one on the right.
Unless you need my help with yours.
No, I think I got it.
Last one to the corral's a rotten cowpoke!
Yee-Hoo-Hoo!
Whoo-Hoo! Whoo-Hoo!
Go on over there!
Go! Get up! Get up! Get up! Let's go!
Whoa!
Oh!
Hi!
Holy shit!
Oh, my gosh!
Is the cow okay?
No, the cow's not okay, Russ. You drove plumb through him.
Oh, no, Sebastian.
Gross.
Hey, gang. Uh, maybe for lunch, we could find a burger place.
You know, like a, uh...
Like a drive-through burger place.
I don't know, Dad.
I think we should, uh, steer clear of that.
- Good one, James. - All right, enough, you guys.
Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo-ve on.
- Oh, I got one. - Yeah? Let's hear it.
- James is a piece of shit. - Oh.
You kinda missed the point, there, buddy.
But you can get back home, you can get back down
hey. Hey.
What? What is it? What's wrong?
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. No. No, nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong.
Okay. Well, what?
- I have an idea. - Mm-hmm.
And it's gonna sound crazy, but hear me out, okay?
- Mm-Kay. - Okay.
We're right near the four corners monument...
Mm-hmm.
Which is where four states come together in one spot.
- So? - Let's go have sex on it.
What?
Yeah, that way we can make love
in four states at the same time.
Wait. You're serious?
Well, yeah.
I mean, you're the one who said we should mix it up.
Yeah. What's more mixed up than sex on a public monument?
I'm pretty sure Debbie do-anything would do it.
Okay, well, Debbie do-anything was a dumbass, so...
Maybe that's what we need. To be dumbasses together.
What about the kids?
Well, Kevin's kind of a dumbass.
No, no, honey. What are we gonna do about them?
They're fine. They're fast asleep.
We'll be back before they know we're gone.
Okay.
- Yeah? - All right, let's do it.
Mom?
Dad?
- James? - Mom?
Adena?
Are you, like, stalking me or something?
No. What? No.
I'm kidding. Relax.
Hey, what happened with that perv
who was hitting on you in Arkansas?
That was actually my Dad.
He was trying to be my Wingman.
Oh, my God.
He's a really shitty Wingman.
So, no guitar tonight?
It got stolen.
That sucks.
I really liked hearing you play.
You... you did?
Yeah, I've always had a thing for musicians.
Well, good...
Because I've always had a thing for...
Pretty girls.
Well played.
See? You don't need a Wingman.
Here it is.
Oh, my God.
This is so illegal.
I know. It's so hot, right?
Yeah. I am hard as a faucet right now.
Oh!
I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No. I like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - I do.
You like it when I slap that ass?
I do! I do!
Good, 'cause I'm gonna beat the shit out of your ass.
Whoa! Russ!
Okay, right here?
We're about to have sex outside!
I know. I know.
Do you want me to put a finger in?
In what?
- Never mind. Never mind. - Okay, okay.
Y'all wanna keep it down?
- Aah! - Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, watch it, man!
- Get your leg off of me! - You're so slippery and sweaty!
If y'all are here to have sex on the corners, we're next.
Get in line.
- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Aah! - Oh!
- Oh, God! - Ew!
Oh, God! They're in every state!
So many boobies out here!
You two! Freeze!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Hands up!
Run! Honey, run!
Drop the flashlight!
You do know public indecency
is a crime in the state of Utah?
Yes. Sorry, officer.
See, we're married, and we wanted to just...
You know what? Save it for the judge.
It makes me sick how you deviants show up
and desecrate this holy place every night.
Turn around! Hands behind your back.
What?
Not so fast, Tommy!
Shoot for sherbet!
What are you doin' here, Kyle?
These people are clearly in the state of Colorado.
That's my jurisdiction.
Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle.
Look at her left foot. Smack-dab in Arizona.
You weed-legalizing, mile-high piece of shit.
Hey, there's no reason for that language.
Oh, I'm sorry, officer mormon.
You don't like that? I have an idea.
Why don't you plug up your ears with mitt romney's dick?
Hey!
Oh, looks like New Mexico
decided to wake up from his siesta.
What seems to be the trouble?
Tell you what the trouble is, dreamcatcher.
You are wearing entirely too much goddamn turquoise.
Hey, we can do this
without disrespecting each other's traditions.
Oh, go fuck your wives, Tommy.
See, this is what I'm telling you guys.
Every night we do this.
You know what this border represents?
It's just an idea. That's all I'm saying.
All right, well, if it's just an idea,
then I'll just get the perp...
- My house! - Oh!
- Hey! - Stay out of my state, buddy.
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do now?
- Get your feet off of my state! - Hey, come on, now.
You wanna stomp on my foot?
- You back... you back... - Is that what you want?
- Stay out of this. - Hey, I wasn't even in it!
Whoa! Don't you kick in here!
- Don't start... - You wanna do that again?
How about this, then? Huh? Huh?
- Oh! - Oh, we got a live wire!
- Oh, shit! Aw, shit! - We got a live weapon!
Ooh. Ooh. You think I'm afraid of that shit?
I'm not afraid of you!
- How about that, huh? Huh? - Oh, yeah, like I'm afraid?
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Are we gonna... I don't want it in my mouth.
Let's not do that, okay?
I'll take that all in, dude!
- That's enough! Everyone get down! - Get down on the ground!
Everyone down on the ground! Get down!
- Get down on the ground! - You get down!
- Get down! - I'm cooperating!
I'm the one who's cooperating!
You get down, too. You get down, too.
Get down on the ground!
- Hands where? - Hands on your right side!
- By the sides or in front? - Side to side. Side to side.
- Let's do this. - Everyone down?
Okay. I think I'm done.
You can really see all the stars out here.
Yeah.
So... What do you feel like doing?
I don't know.
Ca...
Can I give you a rim job?
- Whoa! - No.
Uh, what?!
- I don't know. - What's wrong with you?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
What did... What did you wanna do?
I don't know.
I thought maybe we could kiss or something?
Well, yeah, that's what I thought I...
Yeah. Okay.
Ow!
Where's Mom and Dad, dork?
I don't know, Kevin. Just go back inside the thing.
You were about to let that dingus kiss you?
Shut up, Kevin.
- Who is that? - My stupid little brother.
I thought you said he was your big brother.
I... damn it!
Dingus.
Why do you take that from him?
What am I supposed to do, hit him back?
- He's a little kid. - He's a little shit.
You don't have to let him push you around.
I kinda thought I was taking the high road.
Yeah, that seems to be working out for you.
You know what?
Fuck it.
Okay, so you wanna do this now?
Bring it, bitch.
Wait, what?!
No, no, no.
Wow. This is so easy.
You are such a little boy.
There's gonna be a few changes, Kevin, all right?
No more bullying.
Stop it! I'm telling Mom.
Shut your mouth. You gonna stop bullying?
You're hurting my tummy!
Say you're gonna stop, you little piece of... ass.
Wait, what? "Piece of ass"?
You know what I mean, okay?
What... what are you doing to my face?
- This hurts, doesn't it? - Dude!
How do you like your ears Gettin' messed up with?
It's really not that bad.
I'mma tap you right on the forehead.
That's not even how you beat someone up!
Very dehumanizing.
Your forehead's gonna be so sore.
- Blblbl! Blblbl! - Stop it! What are you doing?!
How do you like your lips getting tickled?
This is really weird.
Just smush your cheeks.
- You gonna stop bullying? - Fine. I'll stop bullying.
Just stop doing this.
Thank you, Adena.
This has been...
The best night of my life.
Weird fucking family.
Well, that was awful.
At least the kids never woke up.
Uh, passengers on the left side of the prancer
will notice the Grand Canyon out the window.
That's right. Last stop before walley world.
So, guys,
when we visited the Grand Canyon when I was a kid,
we barely had a chance to look at it.
This time...
We're gonna do a whole lot more than look.
- Oh, cool. - Sweet!
Hi, folks!
Hi!
All right, let's see, who do we got here?
You must be the fung family!
Huh?
I'm just messing!
You're the Griswolds, right?
Yes, that's right.
Right.
The little guy's face was like, "fungs? Huh?!"
Anyway, I'm Chad. I'm gonna be your guide.
- Okay. Hi, Chad. - All right.
Well you couldn't have come on a better day.
I'm gonna get you all geared up.
And, guess what, the river's running way high,
so I think we're in for a pretty sweet ride, guys.
- Let's roll. - All right.
Let's do this.
Okay, gang, joke time is over.
All right, let's get serious for a second.
Let's go over a couple safety procedures
before we hit the water.
First off... Do any of you know this river?
'Cause this is actually my first time.
I'm kidding.
Been doing this about three and a half years.
Know the river inside and out, okay?
Uh, got my guide certificate from a cracker Jack box.
That's a joke. Guys, it's a joke.
See the little kid's face? He's all, "a cracker Jack box?"
A what?!"
All you gotta do is follow my instructions out there.
And we got a 50-50 chance of coming back alive.
I'm kidding, guys.
See the little kid's face, he's all,
"I'm coming back alive! I don't wanna die!"
Uh, sorry, hang on a second.
I-I'm getting a call from my fiancée here.
Actually, just got engaged two weeks ago,
so I think I'm gonna take this
or the river's not gonna be the only hot water I'm in today.
River's actually very cold.
Hey, boo.
Wow.
This is awesome.
We're about to set sail
through one of America's greatest aquatic treasures.
- Kevin, don't hit your brother. - I didn't.
You heard what he said about
the aquatic treasures and everything, right?
- Yeah. - And you didn't wanna hit him?
- Hmm, well, that's progress. - Wow.
I don't understand, though. Like, what are you even saying?
But j-just like that?!
I-I love you! You love me!
Tanya, please!
Please, just let's think about this for a second, honey.
You're all that I have in this world!
Tanya, no, babe. No, Tanya! No!
Please don't hang up! No! No! Goddamn it!
Who's ready to go on the river?
Um, are you okay, Chad?
Oh, yeah!
Turns out, I'm not engaged anymore.
So...
All aboard.
I don't know about this, Russ.
Oh, come on. He's kidding.
What?
We're a day away from walley world.
Dad, I don't think any of us really care about Walley World.
The boys are right, Russ.
I mean, we almost died back there.
I mean, isn't it time that we just cut our losses?
I cannot believe what I'm hearing.
I... oh. Oh, my God!
Huh? All right.
That has to be a sign, right?
We were meant to finish this trip.
Come on, guys, everybody sing it with me.
- We're losing the station, Russ. - We're not losing anything.
Yes, we are, just...
We just have to listen a little harder!
Okay, no, no, no.
It's gone. It's gone.
- Just let it go! - Fine!
Just thought we could all sing seal together
like normal families do.
Ah, crap!
Now what?
We're almost out of gas.
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
I'm sure we will find a place to fill up around here
before we run out.
Ugh. Man. No signal at all.
Wonder if the prancer has roadside assistance.
How would we even call them?
Maybe it's one of the buttons on the fob.
Seriously? You're gonna keep pressing buttons?
Well, we never tried the top hat.
Oh, geez.
Oh, my God!
Well, now we know what the top hat does.
I'm not gonna do the swastika.
All that's left is the muffin.
Come on, muffin.
- What? - It started!
- Yes! - All right!
Oh! Must be the extra gas tank.
- Right? - Oh! The muffin!
Dad to the rescue!
- Thank God. - Wait, where's it going?
Wait! Wait a minute!
Make it... Make it stop!
I don't know how! I'll hit the muffin again!
All right. We can handle this.
Oh, no, no, no. Please don't say that.
Do not say that we can handle this, Russ.
- Okay? - We can.
No, we can't! We can't!
From the moment we left for this trip,
nothing has gone right.
Can you please just admit that this was a mistake?
But it wasn't. Right?
We all wanted to go.
- I didn't. - Me neither.
No. Me neither.
You wanted to go.
All right, I think tempers
are getting a little hot right now.
We just have to, uh...
We just all have to...
Fuck me!
I give up!
All I wanted to do was take my fuckin' family
on a fuckin' trip to walley world
and ride the fucking velociraptor!
Ow! There's a rock in that.
I guess I'm the asshole
for trying to bring my family closer together, right?
What do I get?
Kids who don't wanna be with me,
and a wife who's miserable.
- Russ. - Oh, come on, Debbie.
You know it's true. You think you settled for me.
You think I'm a loser regional pilot.
Well, guess what?
I get offers from international carriers all the time,
and I turn them down.
Why?
Because I don't wanna be away
from you and the kids that long.
I'm an idiot!
I should take one of those jobs
and fly off to the Pyramids of Zambezi
and the lost gardens of wherever the fuck!
Just forget it.
Forget this whole, stupid trip.
You people are on your own.
I'm sure you'll find a better husband and father.
A cowboy with a huge six-pack
who will take you to Paris and wrestling and... to books.
What...
Wait, where are you going?
Fuck if I know!
Ow! God!
These tumbleweeds are all filled with things that are hard!
What the...
Oh, no.
Help.
Help!
Help!
Help!
Stop!
Come on. Go, go, go!
Help!
No!
Help!
Don't you kill him! Dad!
I'm so sorry.
When I called you a pedophile, I was...
No! No, no, no, no!
No! Not... Not in front of my family!
Your wife left this in a truck stop in Missouri.
Thought you might want it back.
Oh, my God.
Wait! Wait!
Is that my ring?
This man's been trying to return it to us the whole time.
I don't know how I could ever thank you.
No thanks necessary.
It was on my way.
So you're not a rapist?
Looks like your car's pretty messed up.
Where you headed?
Um...
Home, I guess.
Well, I can take you as far as San Francisco.
Will that help?
Yeah. Yeah, th-that'll work.
Thank you. All right, come on, guys.
Thank you.
He still didn't answer me.
Oh, Kevin.
Well, thanks for the ride. Really appreciate it.
Hey, you know, you never told us
why you keep that Teddy bear on the front of your truck.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.
Oh, yeah? You... you have kids?
Nope.
Right. Take care.
Well, I guess that's that.
Yeah.
We'll get a flight home tomorrow.
Do not stay here!
It's the worst bed and breakfast we've ever been to!
They oughta shut this place down!
The owner is a lunatic!
You all come back now, ya hear?
Hey!
Look who made it!
Ellen!
Oh, there you are. They're here!
Hi, Dad.
We were so happy to get that call.
How was your trip?
- Well, it's a long story. - Give me a hug.
- Hi, Grandpa. - Come here, you two.
Oh, my gosh!
You're Gettin' so big!
Hey, come on, let's go inside.
- Grandpa, you don't have to. - No, I can do it. Really.
- Oh, Russ. - Clark.
Oh, no. I got this.
I'm fine.
Ow. This really hurts.
And that's when the muffin made the car explode.
But it didn't really matter
because our luggage and all of our stuff
had already been stolen
by the guy with the rat on his shoulder.
They even took my guitar.
Oh, James, that's terrible.
A musician without his instrument
is as bad as a shoemaker without a toilet seat.
I may have something for you.
It's very fragile. Look.
- You take care of that. - Wow, Grandpa.
Thank you so much.
- Cool! - Yeah!
Doesn't look like much,
but that's a very special guitar.
It was given to me by Bob Dillon.
The Bob Dylan?
No. A Bob Dillon.
D-I-L-L-O-N.
An accountant friend of mine.
But it was given to him by Jimmy Hendricks.
The Jimi Hendrix?
No.
So how's the b-and-b business going?
We love it, are you kidding? It's a great fit for us.
We love visitors.
We love having people around to care for.
We're people people.
Hey, guys. You mind if we join you?
We're occupied right now. Beat it.
Hmm. All right, guys, it's gettin' late.
Why don't you go to bed, okay?
- Okay, Mom. - Yeah. I'll run you upstairs.
Good night, Grandma and Grandpa.
- Nighty-night. - Thank you.
Sleep tight.
Well, you've certainly had an adventure.
Well, yes.
"Adventure" is one way to put it.
How's Audrey?
Oh, she's great.
Yeah, she and Stone, they seem to be very happy.
Key word there is "seem."
What do you mean?
Their marriage is a sham.
What?
Well, they sleep around on each other.
Been doin' it for years.
Oh, my gosh.
I just wish Audrey had found a more solid marriage
like you and Rusty.
Hey, Russ, can we talk?
I knew we had some problems.
Is it this bad?
Is our marriage dying?
No.
No, a marriage only dies when you stop trying.
And you have never stopped trying.
I just think maybe I did.
What do you mean?
I've only been thinking about myself, you know?
I wanted to change the routine,
and I want to go on exotic trips and...
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
I was crazy to think I could make us closer
by locking us in a car for a week.
No, but you were doing that for us.
You have been trying so hard
to make this trip memorable for me and the kids, and...
And I didn't appreciate that.
But why would you?
I mean, I've put you through some serious shit.
Literally, a pool of shit in Arkansas.
You deserve better.
What, better than you?
How many men would sacrifice their careers
for their family like you have?
Oh, I didn't sacrifice anything.
I have everything I've ever wanted.
Debbie.
Yeah?
Will you continue to be my wife?
I was wondering when you were gonna give that back to me.
I was wondering if you still wanted it.
I do.
Wait a minute.
Are we gonna do this?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna pound the shit out of you.
- Russ! - What?
Lock the door.
I'm gonna lock the shit out of that door.
Hey, Dad.
Morning, Rusty.
You think you could drive us to the airport this afternoon?
There's a flight back to Chicago at 4:00.
Chicago?
What about Walley World?
Oh, no. We, uh... we've had enough.
This trip's been a nightmare.
Well, that's what family vacations are.
But you can't give up, Russ.
Well, why not?
I mean, they always say "it's not the destination,
"it's the journey," right?
The journey sucks.
That's what makes you appreciate the destination.
You had a dream to take your family to walley world.
Never let that go.
I know I didn't.
Well, how would we even get to Walley World?
We don't have a car.
Hey, come on.
You leave that to me.
Oops. Wrong door.
Could I, uh, take the Nissan?
No. No.
Wait, Dad, I thought we were going to the airport.
Boys, when your father makes you a promise,
he keeps it.
- That's not right. - This sucks.
Wow.
This place is huge.
This is dope as fuck.
- Kevin. - Kevin.
Told you you guys would love it, right?
Hey, Dad.
It really is dope as fuck.
I know, right?
- Guys! - Oh, wait!
There she is. The Velociraptor.
I can't believe we actually made it.
I know.
Mwah!
You guys ready for the ride of your life?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, hells yeah.
If I'm being honest, it looks a little daunting.
Come on. Race you to the ride.
Yeah, go, go! Faster! Come on!
Two more hours, guys.
Oh, my gosh.
All right, guys. Get psyched!
Yes!
This is it! This is why we came all this way.
Excuse us.
What was that?
Last ride tonight. Park's closin'.
- No, we were next. - What?
Oh, no, no. That's not okay.
- That's not... - This is ridiculous.
Hey. Excuse me.
You just cut in front of us.
No, see, we bought the platinum pass
so we get to skip the lines.
Fifth time today on this one.
Right, well, w-w-we just drove 2,500 miles to ride this ride
so you can't just take our spot.
Wait a minute, you...
Econo air.
Yeah?
Good to see ya.
All right, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you and your family go fuck yourselves.
I'm sorry, guys.
Oh, my God!
Okay.
You're a dead man.
Get off!
Oh, it's on.
Kevin, no!
Wait, James. No, you're not gonna fight.
I'm not gonna stand here like a little bitch.
What?!
Oh, shit!
No, Kevin. Kevin, no.
Kevin, come on.
You people are fucking crazy!
What kind of a family are you?
We're the Griswolds!
See you around you piece of ass!
- Let's do this. - All right.
Oh, man. I haven't been in a fight like that for years.
First car, all right!
Man, our family fucked that family up.
We did.
Did you see how I scratched that girl's arm?
Oh, I saw it, honey. You gave her a good scratch.
Yeah, my fingers still hurt a little,
but I think I'll be okay.
Oh, boy. Here we go!
- Hold on. - Oh, gosh!
Russ?
Yeah-huh?
Is it supposed to stay upside-down like this?
Yeah. I don't think so.
Oh.
Dad, are we stuck?
Looks that way, pal.
My eyes, they're starting to bulge.
I'm sure they'll have us down any minute.
Well, guys, what'd you think of walley world?
Yeah.
Listen, boys.
I can't tell you how much it's meant to me
to spend all this time with you.
I love you more than anything in the world.
And if I could, I'd spend every single day with you.
So, we'll see you in a week.
Wait, what's going on?
Petersons are gonna pick you up at O'Hare,
and you'll stay with them.
Where are we going?
Someplace I shoulda taken you a long time ago.
How did you get free tickets to Paris?
I used my connections as a pilot.
Oh, you're amazing.
Well, you are my queen,
and you deserve to be treated like one.
I know it's not exactly first-class
or coach.
Honey, it's perfect.
Yeah?
So how long is the flight?
12 hours.
Perfect.