Vacation (2015) - full transcript

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

this is your captain,
Rusty Griswold.

Hope you've enjoyed
your 18-minute flight

from South Bend.

We'll be touching down

at Chicago's midway
very shortly.

We'd like to thank you
for flying with us today

because at Econo air,
we're working hard

to win back your trust.

Harry, you mind takin' over
while I hit the Lav?

Sure thing, Rusty.



Thank you very much.

Oh, and Rusty.

Mm-hmm. I wanna thank you

for goin' to bat for me
last week.

I was happy to do it.

You know, just 'cause corporate
says you're too old to fly,

it doesn't make it true.

If anything, you're more
qualified than us younger guys.

Means a lot to me.

Sure thing.

- Oh, and Rusty.
- Mm-hmm.

I wanna thank you for goin'
to bat for me last week.

Yeah.

You bet.



Dad, is that the pilot?

It sure is.

He just came from the cockpit.

Whoa!

Hey there, little guy. Hi!

Is this your first time
on a plane?

We were planning on driving,

but Tyler here
has been beggin' us

to go on his first airplane.

Oh, is that right? Uh-huh.

Do you think I can be a pilot
when I grow up?

Yeah, well, I don't see why not.

You just have to study hard

and listen
to your parents, all right?

Whoa! Oh.

O-Okay.

Sorry about that.

Little bit of rough air.

It's okay. Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, don't, uh,
don't worry about it.

Hey. We call that "turbulence,"
all right?

That's when the plane...

Oh!

Oh, so sorry.

Okay. You folks enjoy
the rest of your flight.

Let me give you a hand.

Can you please
stay the fuck away from us?!

Harry!
You took us up to 60,000 feet!

What're you doing?!

Oh, Rusty.

I wanna thank you for goin'
to bat for me last week.

Or the time that pan continental

put us up
at the Ritz in Barcelona.

You know, I'll tell ya one thing
about the Spanish women...

They, uh, they love them
some airline pilots.

They do!

I never took the uniform off
except when I did.

Ladies.

All full. You're gonna
have to wait for the next one.

But I was... You were what?

I'll catch the next one.

See ya around, Econo air.

It's the third time this month.
I know.

You have to do something about him.
I will.

He's always picking on me.
I know he is.

I'm so sorry, honey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

What's going on here?
Oh, you'll see.

Kevin! Get down here, please.

Look what Kevin did
to my guitar.

Aw. Not again.

God. You told Mom and Dad?

You have such a vagina.

Okay, enough. Enough.

Now, young man, we talked about

the bullying
of your older brother.

That's right.
We don't make fun of someone

just 'cause they're a little
different from us.

D... I don't have a vagina!

I'm just saying
that even if you did,

it wouldn't be okay for Kevin
to tease you about your vagina.

No! Why are you making it sound
like I have a vagina?!

I know you don't have a vagina.
I'm not doing that.

Kevin, apologize
to your brother, please.

Fine. I'm sorry.

Now, go to your room.

I was in my fucking room.

Whoa. Hey, Kevin?
Get back down here.

Now listen.

There are a lot of boys
who are born with vaginas.

It's very hard for them.

Honey. Hmm?

W-why?

It's a teachable Moment, hon.

Gender fluidity, right?

It's a very serious issue.

I'm not gender-fluid.

It doesn't matter if you are.

The point is,
your Mom and I would love you

even if you were
completely blank down there.

Okay, that's not...
This is not the point.

This... none... Kevin?
Just go to your room.

Hey, James, don't get
your gender fluid on me.

- Awesome.
- Stop!

It's not a fluid!

And what about my guitar?

It... It's ruined.

Let me have a look.

Here ya go. That'll do for now.

Now get washed up.

The Petersons are coming over
for dinner.

Mwah.

Okay, baby.

Oh, gosh.

I'll get you a new guitar. Okay?

Oh, use the vitamix.
Just grind it up.

The dry bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sheila.

So do you have to work tomorrow?

So, um, S-Sheila.

'Cause I want to go
to the movies with my friends.

Sheila.

What?

Do you like school this year?

It's okay.

"So, do you like school
this year?"

That's seriously
what you sound like.

Just shut up.

God, I'm tellin' you, Russ,

you've gotta get

one of these Go-Kart Kits.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gary and I spent

the last two months
building this thing.

We took her out this morning
for the first time.

Holy moly.

Fun?

No, no, it was terrible.

Oh, yeah, it was fun!

Hot damn! It's a Go-Kart.

G-Man, get over here.

G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, G-Man.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, my God, my G-Man.

I love him.

Get in there.
What? Oh, I didn't...

What? What? What?

Get in there.
Get in there. Get in there.

Get in there. Blblblblbl!

Oh, man! I love you so much.

Oh. Oh, tell Mr. Griswold
how dope our Go-Kart is.

It's got a Zanardi chassis

and a four-stroke
Briggs & Stratton engine.

Wow. And you guys built this together?
Yep.

We worked on it every day after
homework and toothbrushin'.

I love... get over here.
Get over here, man.

Aah! Aah!

Work it, sugar Ray.

Come on, sugar Ray.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

He's workin' me over.

I'm gonna eat your face!

Kevin, James, get over here!

No.

Come on.

Oh! Oh! There you are!

Ow. Ow.

Whoa-ho! Dad, stop.

Come on, man.
What are you doing?

Come on. We're sparring.
We do this all the time.

- No. We never do this.
- Come on.

Mnh. Ow. Hey!
Don't... don't hit your old man.

I don't wanna be a part of this.

Whoa!

D... what are you doing?
Aah! Aah! Aah!

This is how accidents happen.
Sacrifice!

Aah! Dad!

Let go of me. Stop!
Why did you do that?

I'm sorry, man.

Come on.
I was just foolin' around.

That wasn't fun.
Like we always do.

We never do that. Hey.

What do you say you and I build
a Go-Kart together?

If we have to.

Yeah! All right!

G-Man! Get outta here.

Get outta here, G-Man!

D-Did you just steal
my son's nickname?

I'm not sure about... Oh, shoot.

Oh. Dang it.

Wow. Your ring
is getting loose, there, Deb.

Mm. Yeah. Are you losin' weight?

Yeah. I am.
You know what I've been doing?

Spinning.

Yeah. It's a...
It's a great stress reliever.

Now, I'm gonna tell you what's
an even greater stress reliever.

And that is a week in Paris.

Oh, my gosh!
I saw that on Instagram.

All your pictures were so great.

Oh, so you did see 'em. Yeah!

Well, that's funny
'cause I was gonna ask

how come you didn't like
any of 'em.

What do you mean?
I just said I did.

Well, no, all my other friends,

uh, who saw my Paris pics,
they clicked "like."

You were the only one
who didn't click "like."

Oh.

I guess I just didn't get around

to actually
clicking "like" on them.

Okay, 'cause look at this one.

Now, in this one,

we have Sheila and Gary
wearin' berets.

I know. Right? Bonjour.

I know. I like that one so much.

It's so cute.
But you didn't "like" it.

Okay.

Now, here are the four of us
at the Arc De Triomphe.

Didn't "like" that.
Didn't "like" my children.

Didn't "like" my man
kissin' on me.

I-I-I promise you,
the second you guys leave,

I am gonna go upstairs online,

and I am gonna click "like"
on every single one of them.

Honestly, honey,
it really... I promise.

It makes no difference to me.

So, are you guys going anywhere
special this summer?

Oh, I wish. Yeah. No.

We're... we are renting
the same cabin

that we've been renting
for 10 years

in Cheboygan, Michigan. Wow.

The boys call it
"Che-boring," Michigan.

Isn't that funny?

Why don't you
just go someplace else?

Oh, no. We can't.
Rusty loves it so much.

I would break his heart
if I told him that we hate the cabin.

Oh, boy. Yeah.

I understand. I understand.

Yeah. Well, you know
what the good news is?

Hmm?

Honestly, even if you go there

and you don't have
a great time, baby,

at least you know

that I will click "like"
on all your photos.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Nancy.

Look! Look!

What the fuck is this?

- Louie!
- Yes, sir.

Oh, you're back there! Get out!

What the fuck is this?!

Hey, madam. How much capellini
are you throwing away?

What are you doing, Melinda?

What are you doing?

- You're making me mad!
- Yes, chef.

So fucking mad! Yes, chef.

- Joseph!
- Yes, chef.

Guys, I have exciting news.

James has aids?!

What? No! That's horrible.

I'd be excited.
Well, what is it? What is it?

The four of us are gonna take
a little trip.

Paris.

Hmm? No. Much better.

We're driving to Walley World.

What?

This family's in a rut.

We gotta shake things up. Right?

Spend a little quality time.

And of course, it wouldn't hurt

for the boys to learn
to get along a little better.

Uh, by locking them
in a car together? Yeah.

This is some bullshit
right here!

Hey! Language! Well, it is!

I'm gonna miss the first week
of wrestling practice!

We'll find a wrestling range
along the way.

That's not even a thing!

And, Dad, no offense,

but I just don't wanna do
my first big road trip

to some corporate theme park,
you know?

I'd like to explore
the real America,

like, uh, Jack Kerouac
or the Merry Pranksters.

Ow.

Don't say weird shit! Ow!

Kevin! Bullying! Guys, come on.

My trip to Walley World
when I was a kid

was the best time I ever had.

So you just wanna redo
your vacation from 30 years ago?

Don't you think that's gonna be
kind of a letdown?

No, no, no, no.
We're not redoing anything.

This will be
completely different.

For one thing, the original
vacation had a boy and a girl.

This one has two boys.

And I'm sure that there will be
lots of other differences.

I've never even heard
of the original vacation.

Doesn't matter.

The new vacation
will stand on its own.

Okay?

Come on, honey.

What do you say?
We can drive out and fly back.

Oh, what the heck.

It couldn't be as bad as that
stupid cabin, right, honey?

That's the spirit. All right.

Fuck me.

Are we gonna drive all that way
in your little car, Dad?

Not exactly.

- Come on, guys.
- What?

How come you didn't follow me
just then?

Oh. You wanted us to?

Yeah. That's why
I dangled the key like that.

Oh, well, I don't...
Why else would I...?

You could have just said,
"come with me."

Look what your Dad rented.

What the hell is that?

Kevin.

That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.

Did you say "Tartan," honey?
Yeah.

Tartan's the Honda of Albania.

Why'd you get
an Albanian car, Dad?

Well, it turns out renting a family car
on Memorial Day weekend

doesn't leave you
with a lot of options.

But this baby is pretty sweet.

It's got all the latest
Albanian technology.

Plug-in hybrid.

Oh, wow. Eco-friendly. Good.

So any time we run outta juice,
we can just pull right over,

and... plug in.

I don't...
I don't know what that is.

Never seen an outlet for that.

Should it retract, or...

You would think
it would retract.

It just... Huh.

If it just...
No, it doesn't. It's... Yeah.

Cup holder?

I think you coil it.

I think you just coil it
like that.

Right?
And then you close it right up.

Doesn't matter.
We've still got two gas tanks.

Why two?
Carry twice as much gas.

Why not just have one big tank?

It's twice the gas, buddy.

Actually the same volume.

Two small... Shh.

It has six ashtrays.

Six. Wow.

Hope you guys
like Smokin'! Right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What's with all the mirrors?

Safer.

But... Oh!

And this is amazing.

I can control the entire car
from the fob.

What do all the buttons mean?

No clue.
But we'll figure it out.

Honey, is that...
Is that a swastika on there?

Yeah. We won't use that.

This is my favorite part.

Slam the door on my arm.

What? It has a sensor.

It won't let you slam the door
on your arm or leg.

Honey, I'm not doing that.

The rental guy showed me.
Just do it.

Okay. Do it!

Do it. Kinda fun.

Slam it. All right.

There ya go. Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, my gosh! Ohh.

God damn it! Oh, my God!

Why did you have me do that?

Ohh.

Oh. Oh, I didn't have
the sensor activated.

Okay.

I'm an idiot. Do it again.

No! Absolutely not.

Come on. It'll be fine.
I just activated it.

No, I'm not gonna do it!

Don't be chicken.

Fine!

Aah! Ow! Aah!

Shit!

Why did you do that?

Really?

You're right. I'm sorry.

Ohh. Nobody slam their arm
in the door, okay?

Can I slam it on James' balls?

So you admit I have balls?
Yeah, they hang outta your vagina.

Okay, you two stop that. Guys, come on.
There's plenty of time for that.

Please. Go on and get packed.

We're hittin' the road today.

Okay.

Guess we're leaving today. Phew!

All right. Let's go, guys.

Ah.

Hey, honey. What's all that?

Well, this is my dream journal,

whimsy log, wish diary,

my poems.

And this bad boy is going to be

a stream of consciousness
travel log, so...

Yeah.

Come on, honey,
every boy that age

has a stack of diaries.

Okay, gang.

Seat belts on!

Two full tanks of gas!

Honey, GPS check?

Yes. Yes. Roger that.

Okay.

Your destination
is 2,560 miles ahead.

Walley world, here we come.

Well, we're almost out of gas.

What? How is that possible?

We've been driving
for less than an hour.

Hey, Dad, what's so special
about Walley World?

I mean, we have plenty
of theme parks at home.

Well, walley world is home

of the one and only
Velociraptor.

What the hell is that?

It's only the newest,
scariest roller coaster

in the country.

450 feet tall,
110 miles an hour,

triple corkscrew loop.

Yeah. Oh, hey! Look at this!

Looks like we got ourselves
a little old convoy.

Let's say "Hi."

Oh, my goodness.
It has a CD Radio in it?

Yeah.
Comes standard in all prancers.

This way we can talk to truckers.
Okay.

Now, guys, you just have
to speak their lingo.

All right, I'm gonna ask him
if there's any police up ahead.

Breaker 1-9 to rubber ducky.

You got any smokey the bears
in your kitchen? Over.

You're clean and green
for the next 20 klicks.

He replied! I know!

What did that even mean?

I have no idea, but who cares?

He seems nice.

He does seem nice, doesn't he?

Copy that, good buddy. Over.

Oh, can I try, Dad?

Yeah, course.

When you finish talking,
say "over."

Okay. Cool. Okay.

Breaker 1-9,

my friend Jessie says
all truck drivers are rapists.

Are you a rapist? Kevin, no!

No! Oh. Sorry.

Over. No! No.

What are you doing?

What? It's a question.
You're ruining it.

Sorry about that there,
good buddy.

You know how little boys are
when their mouths get goin'.

I don't...
Not to imply that you are...

Fond of when little boys' mouths
get goin' in any way.

I-I'm not suggesting

that you are a sex offender
or a pedophile.

Okay, no! Yeah.

So that's the CD Radio, guys.

Neat, huh?

Hey, Dad, what's a pedophile?

Mm, well, Kevin,

when a man and a boy love
each other very mu... No.

No.

I have to piss. Me, too.

Okay, go with him, please,
and keep an eye on him.

Okay. Thank you.

Look at that.
The boys are bonding already.

Mm-hmm.

Isn't this the best?

Yeah.

Do you remember,

back when you were just getting
your pilot's license

and you and I would sit there

and we'd talk
about all those, like,

overseas trips we would take and stuff?
Oh.

Yeah, of course,
that's when I thought

I was gonna fly
for one of the big guys.

I know it's not
the most glamorous airline,

but Econo air,
it's been pretty good to us.

As far as I'm concerned,

right here
with you and the boys,

this is paradise.

There was a hole
in the side of my stall.

Sounds like you found
yourself a glory hole. Russ?

Hmm? No.

All right. Let's hit the road.
Okay.

Go to sleep! Go to sleep!

What... What's wrong with you?!

I just wanted to see how long
you could hold your breath

before you black out.

Don't do that!
I could have died.

Whatever.

Goddamn it. Kevin!

Hey, honey,
why'd we get off the highway?

Well, I thought it would be fun

for the kids to see
where you went to college.

Oh, God. Why would that
be fun for them, honey?

Well, you could give us a tour.

Maybe one of them
could study there one day.

Oh, no. No way, man.

I've got my sights set

on something
a little more Ivy league.

Oh.

Little fucker.

What, Ma? I love you.

That's what I said.

Love you, too.
I said I love you.

Let's just see how far it is.

You are 9.2 miles
from your destination.

Oh. All right.

Check the best route.

Oh! I changed the language.

That's not it.

What is that?

Uh, I don't know. I... Korean?

Oh, God, it's horrible! Oh.

Just please turn it off, Russ.

The menu's all in Korean now.
I don't know what to press.

Why is it so much angrier
than the other voices?

Why don't we just...
Honey, it doesn't...

It like when you touch it, okay?

Just leave it alone.
Let it calm down.

Wow. This place
has not changed a bit.

Isn't that Sorority Row?

Mm-hmm.

Let's go check out your house.

Oh, no, honey.

Don't you... don't you think
we should get back on the road?

No, come on. It'll be fun.

It's... It's just a boring,
old house.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Yeah! That's what's up!

I cannot believe that
they are still doing this.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug

what is it?

Uh, it is the Tri-Pi Chug run.

You have to chug
a big pitcher of beer

and then you have to get through
the course as fast as you can.

And you did this?
'Cause you hardly drink.

No. Yeah.

But, honey, it's for charity.
See?

Hi. Would you like to donate
to assburgers?

Oh, no. We're just stopping by.

I was a Tri-Pi
a long time ago, so...

In fact,
the Chug run was my idea.

It was?

Yeah.

Wait. Are you Debbie Fletcher?

Yeah.

Oh, my shit.

Oh, my shit!
I can't believe it's you!

Guys! Come here!
Bring over the book!

It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.

- How do you know who I am?
- Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

You're like a legend at Tri-Pi!

You're Debbie do-anything!

Uh, Debbie do-anything?

Go play.

Yeah, look! See?

Huh? Oh, God.

Is it true that you climbed
the clock tower naked?

Of course not.

Did you really show your tits
to anyone who asked?

- Honey, we should go.
- Wha... Wha... hang... hang on.

I heard that you stuck a finger
in the Dean's dick.

Did you really burn down
the taco bell?

I heard that you fucked
Anthony Hopkins.

I heard that,
if people bop you on your head,

gold coins
come out of your butt.

Okay, ladies. Uh... What?!

I think I know my wife
pretty well,

and she wouldn't have done
any of those things.

But you know what?

What's important is
not whether I did them

or I didn't do them.

What's important is

that you guys are idolizing
very bad behavior here.

Uh, Ew.

You don't sound like
Debbie do-anything.

I had a feeling
she was all hype.

Bet she didn't even come up
with the Chug run.

Hey! Wait a min... Excuse me.

I did come up with the Chug run,
all right?

And I ran it.

Sure you did. No, I did.

In 16 seconds, okay? Okay, hon.

Prove it.

She can't do it now. She's old.

Excuse me, girl?

I didn't mean it like that.

I just mean... You're old.

Oh, oh, yeah!

Never heard that laugh before.
I don't like it.

Hold my bag. Unh-Unh.

Why? I'm not... You're not...

You're not actually going on this thing.
Yes, I am.

This Chug run raised

thousands of dollars
for charity, all right?

Now, I might not have gotten
good grades while I was here.

But at least I did something.
Yeah, it sounds like you did a lot.

You stuck your finger
in the Dean's penis.

You know, honey,
it's not important

what I stuck my finger in and
what I burnt down, all right?

What is important right now

is that these Fuckin' bitches
are disrespecting me,

and that ain't right, okay?
"Bitches"?

Bring it on.

No one's calling me old.
Fuck you.

All right, boobs, pitcher!
Let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Three! Two! One!

Oh, honey.

What's Mom doing?

She's, uh, teaching
these bitches a-a lesson.

This is the best thing
I've ever seen.

Go! Go! Go!

Why is she puking so much?

It's for assburgers.

Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!

Mom, you should try
and stay hydrated.

What? What are you doing?

How 'bout some tunes?

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

I love this song!

Guys, it's seal!

Everybody sing it with me.

Come on, guys.

Deb?

Guys? No?

Is this a man
or a woman singing?

And the coolest man ever!
He overcame lupus!

"Batman forever"?

He's come back to kill us.

Gun it, Russ! Gunning it!

You gotta go faster, Dad!
Go faster!

The Prancer doesn't go
any faster!

Okay, well,
what are we gonna do?!

Let me see... maybe if I press
this rabbit button,

it'll, like, give it
a boost or something.

Yes. Try it!

Why would there be a button
for that?

And why is it a rabbit?!

Okay. Um... Rocket!

Rocket. Here you go. Try that!
Yes.

- What?
- What?

- What's happening?
- Why am I swiveling? I'm swiveling!

I don't know! I don't know!

Grab the wheel! Grab the wheel!

- Hit the brake! Hit the gas! Hit the gas!
- Okay, I'm...

I don't wanna die!

Okay, I got the wheel!
I got the wheel! Okay! Okay!

Okay, what are we gonna do?

I have an idea. What?

Handbrake turn. What?

I pull the wheel to the left,
yank the handbrake,

we do a 180, cross the median,
drive right past him.

You know how to do that, Dad?

If Vin Diesel can do it,
so can I.

Why are you as good
as Vin Diesel?

Hang on!

That's not
what I was trying to do.

Everybody okay? Oh, shit!

Go, Dad! Dad! Dad! Go! Go!

Oh, my God. Oh, God!

Whoa!

Oh, shit!

Goddamn it.

All right, boys. This is you.

I call both beds!

You get one bed.

If you guys need anything,
Mom and I are right next door.

Oh, I think I saw a hot tub,
Dad.

Is it okay if I take a soak?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

But if anyone tries
to shove you in their car,

you give 'em a good scratch
like I showed ya.

I will. All right. Attaboy.

Thanks.

So... How come you never told me

about the whole
Debbie do-anything thing?

Come on, that was so long ago.

Yeah, but it's part
of who you are and...

I wanna know all about you.

All right. Well, that's fair.
What do you wanna know?

How many guys did you sleep with before me?
Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

No-no-no-no-no. Ah, come on.

Come on. That's not important.

Well, no, I know.
But I'm just...

You really need to know?

It just...

Oh, okay. I'm just curious.

Okay, okay.

Um... let's see.

Hmm.

And then... um...

Kinda takin' you a little while.

Okay, so, uh, around... th...

Three. Three.

That's actually reassuring,

'cause it's the same as me.

No. Didn't say three.

13. 13?

Nope.

And it's not three?

It's around... It's around 30.

30! Hoo!

Wow! Holy cow.

See, now I feel like
you're judging me.

I'm judging me.

Your number
is so much higher than mine.

Yes, it is a big number,
but that doesn't matter.

Honey, it doesn't matter.

You're... you're so cool.

I-I-I-I feel like a loser.

You are not a loser.

Okay? Yeah?

'Cause, uh,
I had to work pretty hard

just to get those three.

Had to take care
of Jenny's grandfather

for months
before she slept with me.

And he was racist.

Please don't base it on me.

I was, like, crazy back then.

I was completely immature
and acting out

and just really, like,
free with my body,

and that's just not
who I am anymore.

That's not who we are.

Well... we're pretty free
with our bodies.

But, y-you have to admit
I-I feel like we've gotten...

Like, less free with our bodies.

But we have sex every week
with our bodies.

We do. But, I mean, it's gotten
a little routine, babe.

You know, you always

are lighting
that same yankee candle...

and everything.

And I don't know,

it might be nice

to mix it up a little bit
every once in a while.

Okay? No big deal.

I-I-I'm gonna go take a shower.

Okay?
I'm gonna take one with you.

Hmm?

Uh... We'll have sex in it.

Yeah. In the shower.

How's that for Gettin' free
with our bodies,

Debbie do-anything?

I like that. Yeah.

Oh, Russ.

Just be careful
not to drop the soap.

Oh, I won't.

What?

This is fun and different.

I know. It is.

You are so cute when you get
excited about stuff.

Mm. Mm.
You're, like, so cute always.

Aww. Honey.

Oh.

Aah! Oh, my... holy shit!

Are those mushrooms?!

It looks like somebody
blew their head off in there.

Oh, God.

God.

So, should we, uh...

Should we get in or...

No, right?

Yeah. I'm gonna see if there's
somethin' to clean that with.

Mm.

Maybe the housekeeping left a...

Oh. Well, here's a brillo pad.

I'll just...

Russ. Yeah.

That's not a brillo pad.

It's a ball of pubic hair.

Oh! Aah!

Oh, my gosh.
There's so much of it.

Who has that much pubic hair?!
It's not even possible.

No, not one person.
That's all different colors.

That's from, like,
30 different guys.

Oh, shut up, Russ.

No. I-I'm sorry.

You're pretty good. Oh!

Geez!

Sorry.

I, uh
I didn't mean to scare you.

Hi.

Hi.

You were in the Jeep.

And you were
in that plastic bag.

That was my stupid brother.

Gotcha. Big brothers suck.

Oh, no. Yeah, big.

I'm Adena.

James.

- I have a penis.
- What?

It's on your guitar.

Oh.

Same brother.

- What an asshole.
- Yeah.

You wanna go in?

Absolutely.

Well, what have we here?

Little Romeo and Juliet
situation?

My name's Russ.
Pleased to meet you both.

I'm just a stranger,
passin' through town.

But I couldn't help noticing

how incredibly handsome
this young man is.

What's your story?
You got a girlfriend?

- No.
- What?

No girlfriend?

Cute boy like that?
Somebody's gonna snatch you up.

- Do you want me to call the cops?
- No.

And he plays guitar? Dream boy!

- Make a muscle.
- I'd...

- Do it!
- Rather not.

Take your shirt off.
Make a muscle.

- I really don't want to.
- Don't be shy.

- Show us what you're workin' with.
- All right.

Um, I should go.

Um...

Are you sure
that you'll be okay?

I think so.

Okay.

Bye.

Dang it.

Dad, why would you do that?

Saw ya talkin' to her.
Figured you could use a Wingman.

I didn't need a Wingman.

Well...

Looks like ya did. She left.

That's 'cause you were approaching...
You know, James,

when I was your age,
Grandpa Clark sat me down,

and we had a little chat.

Seeing you with that girl
made me realize

that we haven't
had that chat yet.

- We don't need that chat.
- Yeah?

No. Come on.
I know it's embarrassing.

But it'd be a lot
more embarrassing

if you found yourself
Tummy to Tummy

with a lady friend,

and you didn't know
what goes where.

- I know what goes where.
- You do?

- Uh-huh.
- Ya sure?

Yep.

All right. All right.

Well, I just want you to know

I'm here to answer any questions

you might have about that stuff,

no matter how uncomfortable
it seems.

Yeah, okay.

- Yeah, right. Here it comes.
- Yeah. All right.

Okay.

Uh, there were
some kids at school

who were talking about rim jobs.

- Mm.
- So, what's that?

What's a rim job?

- Rim jobs.
- Yeah.

Hmm. Is that R-I-M?

Mm-hmm.

Rim job. Country of origin.

I don't know.

Um, America.

Can I hear it in a sentence?

"What's a rim job, Dad?"

Oh.

Well, rim job.

I would guess a rim job is

when you kiss someone
with your mouth closed.

Right? So you're only using
the rim of your mouth.

- That's it?
- Sure.

It... It felt like
it was something way dirtier.

No, I mean,
what else could it be?

Any other questions?

I guess not.

Good talk, James.

Now, I hope you're not too old

to let your Dad give you
a good-night rim job.

Looks like we might get
to aunt Audrey's before dinner.

Oh, will uncle Stone be there?

Yeah, I suppose he will.

Uncle Stone is cool.

You have to be cool
to be a celebrity.

He's not exactly a celebrity.

I mean, he's a local weatherman.
That's all.

A-Actually, Audrey said

that the networks
are interested in him.

- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

All right. Well, good for him.

Mom, do you think uncle Stone

will let me ride his horse?

I don't see why not.

- Do you think I can shoot his guns?
- No, you cannot.

Too bad.

I would've shot you
right off that fuckin' horse.

You know, I never
would've imagined my sister

marrying such a conservative.

Oh, yeah, but just because.

Stone's political beliefs
are different than ours

doesn't mean
he's not good-looking.

I... um... A good person.

Ya said it!

- Uh, honey...
- Hey, look at that!

Hot Springs up ahead.
We've always wanted to do that.

Oh, honey, we don't
wanna be late to Audrey's.

So we're a few minutes late.

We're on vacation. Right?

Come on. Let's have some fun.

Okay.

- Oh, look at the line.
- This is gonna take forever.

Come on, guys.

How often do we get to soak
in hot water?

Every time we take a bath.

No. This is different.
'Kay, this is natural.

This water was heated
in mother nature's bowels.

Oh, gross.

There's gotta be another way in.

I'm gonna ask this gentleman.

I bet he'd know.

Excuse me, sir.

- Hi there.
- Hey. Hi.

Hey, we were wondering.

Is there another entrance
to the hot Springs?

Like, a secret entrance
the locals use?

Line can get pretty long
this time of year, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it sure can.

Yeah, I'll tell you
what y'all do.

Uh, can you see that dirt road?
That path there on the left?

Yeah.

If you just follow that
all the way up,

that'll take you
to the hot Springs.

All right. Perfect. Thank you.

Oh, no, no. You bet.

Y'all have a good time.

Oh, will do!

Hey, what's your pet rat's name?

Is my pet what?

The...

What the fuck?

- Oh!
- What the fuck?!

What the fuck?

I don't know him.

Honey, are you sure about this?

I mean, nobody else
is going this way.

Yeah, well, most people
think inside the box.

But you know who thinks
outside the box?

Uncle Stone?

Me. Your father.

Um, honey,
I don't see any hot Springs.

Well, the guy said

it was right at the end
of this road, so...

Well, the guy also did not know

he had a rat on his shoulder,

so there's that.

Hold on.

Wow. Honey. This is beautiful.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

All right, everyone.

In your bathing suits. Now!

Looks like we found
our own private hot spring.

I say we call it
"Griswold Springs."

Oh! The water's perfect.

Oh, my God. It's so nice.

Why does it smell like
rotten eggs?

Oh, that's the sulfur, buddy.

- Yeah.
- It's natural.

Yeah. And it's really good
for you, too.

Actually, the minerals
that are in this mud here,

they draw toxins
out of your body.

- Ah.
- Can you believe that?

Cool, right?

Oh, wow.

Mm.

This is perfect.

It's exactly what we needed.

Oh, yeah. Good call, Griswold.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

That's it.

I can feel my body detoxifying.

You know...
It tastes a little shitty,

but I think that's part of it.

- Yeah.
- That's okay.

This is wonderful.

That is the stuff!

Oh.

What is that, honey?
On your ear.

What's on your ear?

What is that?

Oh, it's an ear!

Oh!

Look, James. Found a dart.

Are you crazy?!

Oh, my God! Everybody out
of Griswold Springs!

- Get out of the poop!
- That was nasty!

All over me!

I don't like Griswold Springs.

Is that our car alarm?

What?!

How come that local guy
didn't tell us

there are thieves
in these woods?

Oh, right.

He took my guitar.

Oh, my God.
He took all our money, Russ.

All right.
Not a best-case scenario.

But, hey. He left your book.

So, I guess
we get the last laugh.

Oh, really, honey?

We're naked
and covered in human waste.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.
We don't know that it's human.

This is so embarrassing.

I feel like
your cousin Eddie's family.

It's no big deal.

We'll just tell Stone and Audrey
what happened.

Kids, remember what happened?

We pulled over to rescue a baby
from a burning car

and somebody stole all of our
stuff while we were distracted.

And why are we naked
and covered in feces?

I don't remember.

That's right. We don't remember.

Oh, my God.

Hmm?

Oh, come on.

- What're we gonna do?
- Can you gimme a hand with this?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Please?

Just... yeah.

Oh, gosh.

I-I can't.
I can't... I can't get it off.

- Use your spit.
- Oh, okay.

Focus on the balls.

If you guys wanna stop,
that'd be good, too.

Stay on the balls.
I've got the shaft.

Hi, y'all!

Hey! Oh, my goodness. Hi!

- Hi.
- What happened?

Well, that's a...
It's a crazy story, um...

Dad got scammed
by a guy at a park.

- Kevin!
- Same old Rusty.

You'd buy water from a faucet.

Anyway,
you guys look disgusting.

So, um, I have some clothes

that I was gonna give
to the church

if you guys wanna borrow
some of those.

Great. Thank you, Audrey.

- Come on inside.
- Thanks.

All right.

Boy, y'all stink.

Oh, I don't like that.

Man, this place makes our house
look like shit.

Well, Kevin,

that's only 'cause a dollar
goes much further out here

than it does in Chicago.

Especially when you make
a lot more of 'em.

Ha.

Just messin' with ya. Shoot!

You boys are growin' faster
than a weed under a faucet.

You still wrasslin', son?

- Uh-huh.
- Oh? Well, come on.

Show me what ya got.

Hey, Kevin.
Get off your brother, please.

They're just havin' themselves
a wrassle.

It's what brothers do.

Hey, ooh, look at you guys.

Hot damn. Debbie Griswold.

You just keep Gettin' prettier.

- Oh, stop.
- No, I mean it.

You could make hot water
come out of the cold faucet.

That's... that's very sweet.

You know, I remember the night
you first wore that dress.

- You remember that night?
- Yeah, I remember that night.

- I'll never forget that night.
- Neither will I, baby.

You're my Fuckin' husband.

Oh, betcha I am.
I'm your caveman.

I'll rip you in half.

Ooh.

I wanna have all your babies.

Ooh. Ooh, baby.

I hit the Fuckin' jackpot
with you.

Oh, God, what I'm gonna do
to you tonight.

Who wants to see
Stone's man cave?

- Uh...
- Yeah.

Is this Charlton Heston?

Yep. Chuck was a good friend.

I can't tell ya
how many nights we spent

drinkin' bourbon together

and cryin' about the state
of this country.

It's true. They did.
They literally cried together.

Somehow I don't see you crying,
though, Stone.

Yeah, that's, uh,

that's kind of embarrassing.
Right?

Not embarrassing to me.

Even the strongest faucet
sometimes lets out a few drops.

What is with these faucets?

Hey, everyone thought
that F-4 twister

was gonna bypass Harris County.

Not my Stone.

I had a feelin' that
that low-pressure system

was gonna make a beeline
for mission bend.

Thanks to my report,

those people had
an extra 15 minutes to evacuate.

Governor Perry said

he saved 2,000 lives.

That's how many we lost
at Pearl Harbor,

so basically,
he stopped Pearl Harbor.

That's when
the national news called.

Now, between us...

It's lookin' good.
Ain't it, honey?

Mm-hmm.

'Course none of that
would've been possible

without my sugar mama, here,

workin' day and night

to put me
through meteorology school.

I liked workin', baby.

I didn't mind it one bit.

Well, you never have
to do it again, darlin'.

Um, but it kinda
gave me purpose.

Nope, never again.
That is a promise.

Wow. Uncle Stone, I may not
agree with your politics

but that doesn't mean
I don't admire you.

Well, thank you, James.

But the man
you should admire the most

is sittin' right next to you.

But there's nobody there.

Oh, I don't mean that chair.
I mean your Pa right here.

Okay.

He doesn't save anybody's life.

Oh, doesn't he?

Well, every time he flies
that little plane of his,

he's savin' lives
by not crashin'.

And in my book...
That makes him a hero.

Thank you.

You know,
a lot of people actually...

Not to mention,
he also snagged himself

one sweet slice of foxy pie
in your Mama there.

You gotta stop that today.

Stop it.

You know what I always
wanted to know was...

When did you first know
the weather?

Well...

- You all right, Deb?
- What? What?

Hey! There's a cow!

Oh, not a cow. That's a steer.

That there is $6000 worth
of juicy, Purebred Angus beef.

It's Stone's new passion,
raising cattle.

He's even named them.

Uh-huh.

Old Sebastian here
loves him some ribs.

Here ya go, boy.

Here. Oh, that's it.

Dad, isn't that...

Cannibalism? Yeah.

Say, if you boys
wanna get up early tomorrow,

you can watch me herd
these suckers into the corral.

- Oh.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You herd them yourself?

I'm a man, aren't I?

Yes.

Uh, hey, Stone,

not sure if you need a hand
out there, but I'd love to help.

Yeah, sure thing, Russ,
if you're up for it.

I can always use
an extra set of hands.

Well, I was born
with an extra set of hands.

That's an odd thing to say.

But you know, I-I-I reckon

this'll be the highlight
of your trip.

Well, the real highlight,
of course,

will be when we get
to walley world

and I take my family on
the Velociraptor.

I think it is so weird.

I don't know why you want to go
back to Walley World

after Dad flipped out there.

Audrey, Dad flipped out
because he loved us

and wanted us to be close.

And we were.

And that's all I want
for my family.

You're such a clown.

You're a clown.

Babe, baby,
I-I think Rusty's right.

You know, family is the most
important thing there is.

Little somethin'.

You know, maybe we'll take baby
Cooper on a trip this summer.

- Yeah, not to walley world.
- Oh, God, no.

- 'Cause that'd be stupid.
- That'd be stupid.

How 'bout Paris?

Oui!

Oui, Oui, Oui!

And then, when we get back,
I can maybe get a part-time job?

Well, not while there's
breath in my body, sweetheart.

You know, honey, I am...

I'm really happy
for your sister.

- Yeah?
- Seriously.

She and Stone seem
really in love.

It's nice.

These pants Stone gave me

are really stretched out
in the crotch, though.

That's weird. Why would they
be stretched out in the...

- God, I don't know.
- Oh, shit.

How much you think they paid
for this house?

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

Whoa. Oh!

Should I see if Audrey has
a yankee candle?

Fuck the yankee candle.
I wanna do this now.

- Oh, God, you're so sexy.
- Oh, what has gotten into you?

Oh, my God.

What? What, what, what?

This is because of him,
isn't it?

What? Who?

Because of who?

Because of Stone.

What?!

That's why
you're jumping my bones!

You're just thinking of him!

That's ridiculous.

Then how come the one night
we're hangin' around with him,

you turn into some kind
of sexual character?

I don't know
where you're going with this,

but I can tell you right...
Where's your wedding ring?

Oh. Oh, my God.

Before we got here,
you took off your wedding ring?

No, I didn't.
Rusty, it was loose.

You remember how loose it was?

And... and I-I m-must've
just dropped it somewhere.

What was the plan, Deb?

Show up without a ring,
and he'll think you're single?

How's he gonna think
that I'm single

if I'm here with my husband
and my two children?

I don't know. It was your plan.

It was not my pl... Okay.

Yes.

Stone is an impressive man,
okay?

But I married you, Rusty.

And I am so sorry
that I lost my ring,

but I would never, ever,
ever take it off on purpose.

I know. I know.

I just...

I freaked out. I'm sorry.

I just...

We'll get you another ring.

I liked that one.

Hey. Y'all decent?

- Yes. Hi.
- Hey.

Okay. Just wanted to make sure

y'all had everything you needed
for the night.

Yep.

All right.

Man, it sure is beautiful here
this time of year, ain't it?

And quiet.

Listen.

You hear that?

- No.
- Exactly.

- It's perfect silence.
- Mm.

Ah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, uh, TV remote.
Okay, let me show ya.

We've got channels...
And the volume.

On. Off.

- Pretty straightforward.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. All right.

Well, uh, if you get thirsty,

there's, uh,
fresh milk in the fridge

and, uh, have yourselves
a good night.

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

- Night, Stone.
- Good night, St-Stone.

Man.

Yeah.

Okay.

He totally just came in here

to show off his six-pack.

Hey, mornin'!

Barely.

How come you gotta do this
at 6 A.M.?

Well, I gotta be
at the station by 7:30

for Stone Crandall's
accuweather report.

Hey, you ever ride
one of these things?

Mm, no. Never have.

But, uh, can't imagine

it's more complicated
than an Airbus A318.

Yeah, well, that's the spirit.

Now, the key here

is to move back and forth
along the edge of the herd.

You keep your distance, though.
We don't want to spook 'em.

Got it.

Are there helmets?

Yeah, I keep them
with the tampons.

Just basic safety.

Aah! Whoa!

This is exciting!

It's my favorite way
to start the day!

This, and makin' love
to your sister.

Thank you for that.

Come on, let's go!

Well, it looks like
we got us a couple of mavericks.

You take the one on the left.
I'll take the one on the right.

Unless you need my help
with yours.

No, I think I got it.

Last one to the corral's
a rotten cowpoke!

Yee-Hoo-Hoo!

Whoo-Hoo! Whoo-Hoo!

Go on over there!

Go! Get up! Get up! Get up!
Let's go!

Whoa!

Oh!

Hi!

Holy shit!

Oh, my gosh!

Is the cow okay?

No, the cow's not okay, Russ.
You drove plumb through him.

Oh, no, Sebastian.

Gross.

Hey, gang. Uh, maybe for lunch,
we could find a burger place.

You know, like a, uh...

Like a drive-through
burger place.

I don't know, Dad.

I think we should, uh,
steer clear of that.

- Good one, James.
- All right, enough, you guys.

Dad hit a cow, okay?
Let's just moo-ve on.

- Oh, I got one.
- Yeah? Let's hear it.

- James is a piece of shit.
- Oh.

You kinda missed
the point, there, buddy.

But you can get back home,
you can get back down

hey. Hey.

What? What is it? What's wrong?

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. No. No, nothing's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.

Okay. Well, what?

- I have an idea.
- Mm-hmm.

And it's gonna sound crazy,
but hear me out, okay?

- Mm-Kay.
- Okay.

We're right near
the four corners monument...

Mm-hmm.

Which is where four states
come together in one spot.

- So?
- Let's go have sex on it.

What?

Yeah, that way we can make love

in four states at the same time.

Wait. You're serious?

Well, yeah.

I mean, you're the one who said
we should mix it up.

Yeah. What's more mixed up
than sex on a public monument?

I'm pretty sure
Debbie do-anything would do it.

Okay, well, Debbie do-anything
was a dumbass, so...

Maybe that's what we need.
To be dumbasses together.

What about the kids?

Well, Kevin's kind of a dumbass.

No, no, honey.
What are we gonna do about them?

They're fine.
They're fast asleep.

We'll be back
before they know we're gone.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- All right, let's do it.

Mom?

Dad?

- James?
- Mom?

Adena?

Are you, like,
stalking me or something?

No. What? No.

I'm kidding. Relax.

Hey, what happened
with that perv

who was hitting on you
in Arkansas?

That was actually my Dad.

He was trying to be my Wingman.

Oh, my God.

He's a really shitty Wingman.

So, no guitar tonight?

It got stolen.

That sucks.

I really liked hearing you play.

You... you did?

Yeah, I've always
had a thing for musicians.

Well, good...

Because I've always
had a thing for...

Pretty girls.

Well played.

See? You don't need a Wingman.

Here it is.

Oh, my God.

This is so illegal.

I know. It's so hot, right?

Yeah.
I am hard as a faucet right now.

Oh!

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No. I like it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- I do.

You like it
when I slap that ass?

I do! I do!

Good, 'cause I'm gonna beat
the shit out of your ass.

Whoa! Russ!

Okay, right here?

We're about to have sex outside!

I know. I know.

Do you want me
to put a finger in?

In what?

- Never mind. Never mind.
- Okay, okay.

Y'all wanna keep it down?

- Aah!
- Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, watch it, man!

- Get your leg off of me!
- You're so slippery and sweaty!

If y'all are here to have sex
on the corners, we're next.

Get in line.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- Aah!
- Oh!

- Oh, God!
- Ew!

Oh, God! They're in every state!

So many boobies out here!

You two! Freeze!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hands up!

Run! Honey, run!

Drop the flashlight!

You do know public indecency

is a crime in the state of Utah?

Yes. Sorry, officer.

See, we're married,
and we wanted to just...

You know what?
Save it for the judge.

It makes me sick
how you deviants show up

and desecrate this holy place
every night.

Turn around!
Hands behind your back.

What?

Not so fast, Tommy!

Shoot for sherbet!

What are you doin' here, Kyle?

These people are clearly
in the state of Colorado.

That's my jurisdiction.

Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle.

Look at her left foot.
Smack-dab in Arizona.

You weed-legalizing,
mile-high piece of shit.

Hey, there's no reason
for that language.

Oh, I'm sorry, officer mormon.

You don't like that?
I have an idea.

Why don't you plug up your ears
with mitt romney's dick?

Hey!

Oh, looks like New Mexico

decided to wake up
from his siesta.

What seems to be the trouble?

Tell you what the trouble is,
dreamcatcher.

You are wearing entirely
too much goddamn turquoise.

Hey, we can do this

without disrespecting
each other's traditions.

Oh, go fuck your wives, Tommy.

See, this is what
I'm telling you guys.

Every night we do this.

You know what
this border represents?

It's just an idea.
That's all I'm saying.

All right, well,
if it's just an idea,

then I'll just get the perp...

- My house!
- Oh!

- Hey!
- Stay out of my state, buddy.

Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do now?

- Get your feet off of my state!
- Hey, come on, now.

You wanna stomp on my foot?

- You back... you back...
- Is that what you want?

- Stay out of this.
- Hey, I wasn't even in it!

Whoa! Don't you kick in here!

- Don't start...
- You wanna do that again?

How about this, then? Huh? Huh?

- Oh!
- Oh, we got a live wire!

- Oh, shit! Aw, shit!
- We got a live weapon!

Ooh. Ooh.
You think I'm afraid of that shit?

I'm not afraid of you!

- How about that, huh? Huh?
- Oh, yeah, like I'm afraid?

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Are we gonna...
I don't want it in my mouth.

Let's not do that, okay?

I'll take that all in, dude!

- That's enough! Everyone get down!
- Get down on the ground!

Everyone down on the ground!
Get down!

- Get down on the ground!
- You get down!

- Get down!
- I'm cooperating!

I'm the one who's cooperating!

You get down, too.
You get down, too.

Get down on the ground!

- Hands where?
- Hands on your right side!

- By the sides or in front?
- Side to side. Side to side.

- Let's do this.
- Everyone down?

Okay. I think I'm done.

You can really see
all the stars out here.

Yeah.

So...
What do you feel like doing?

I don't know.

Ca...

Can I give you a rim job?

- Whoa!
- No.

Uh, what?!

- I don't know.
- What's wrong with you?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

What did...
What did you wanna do?

I don't know.

I thought maybe we could
kiss or something?

Well, yeah,
that's what I thought I...

Yeah. Okay.

Ow!

Where's Mom and Dad, dork?

I don't know, Kevin.
Just go back inside the thing.

You were about to let
that dingus kiss you?

Shut up, Kevin.

- Who is that?
- My stupid little brother.

I thought you said
he was your big brother.

I... damn it!

Dingus.

Why do you take that from him?

What am I supposed to do,
hit him back?

- He's a little kid.
- He's a little shit.

You don't have to let him
push you around.

I kinda thought I was taking
the high road.

Yeah, that seems
to be working out for you.

You know what?

Fuck it.

Okay, so you wanna do this now?

Bring it, bitch.

Wait, what?!

No, no, no.

Wow. This is so easy.

You are such a little boy.

There's gonna be a few changes,
Kevin, all right?

No more bullying.

Stop it! I'm telling Mom.

Shut your mouth.
You gonna stop bullying?

You're hurting my tummy!

Say you're gonna stop,
you little piece of... ass.

Wait, what? "Piece of ass"?

You know what I mean, okay?

What... what are you doing
to my face?

- This hurts, doesn't it?
- Dude!

How do you like your ears
Gettin' messed up with?

It's really not that bad.

I'mma tap you
right on the forehead.

That's not even
how you beat someone up!

Very dehumanizing.

Your forehead's
gonna be so sore.

- Blblbl! Blblbl!
- Stop it! What are you doing?!

How do you like your lips
getting tickled?

This is really weird.

Just smush your cheeks.

- You gonna stop bullying?
- Fine. I'll stop bullying.

Just stop doing this.

Thank you, Adena.

This has been...

The best night of my life.

Weird fucking family.

Well, that was awful.

At least the kids never woke up.

Uh, passengers on
the left side of the prancer

will notice the Grand Canyon
out the window.

That's right.
Last stop before walley world.

So, guys,

when we visited the Grand Canyon
when I was a kid,

we barely had a chance
to look at it.

This time...

We're gonna do
a whole lot more than look.

- Oh, cool.
- Sweet!

Hi, folks!

Hi!

All right, let's see,
who do we got here?

You must be the fung family!

Huh?

I'm just messing!

You're the Griswolds, right?

Yes, that's right.

Right.

The little guy's face was like,
"fungs? Huh?!"

Anyway, I'm Chad.
I'm gonna be your guide.

- Okay. Hi, Chad.
- All right.

Well you couldn't have come
on a better day.

I'm gonna get you all geared up.

And, guess what,
the river's running way high,

so I think we're in for
a pretty sweet ride, guys.

- Let's roll.
- All right.

Let's do this.

Okay, gang, joke time is over.

All right,
let's get serious for a second.

Let's go over a couple
safety procedures

before we hit the water.

First off...
Do any of you know this river?

'Cause this is actually
my first time.

I'm kidding.

Been doing this
about three and a half years.

Know the river inside and out,
okay?

Uh, got my guide certificate
from a cracker Jack box.

That's a joke.
Guys, it's a joke.

See the little kid's face?
He's all, "a cracker Jack box?"

A what?!"

All you gotta do is follow
my instructions out there.

And we got a 50-50 chance
of coming back alive.

I'm kidding, guys.

See the little kid's face,
he's all,

"I'm coming back alive!
I don't wanna die!"

Uh, sorry, hang on a second.

I-I'm getting a call
from my fiancée here.

Actually, just got engaged
two weeks ago,

so I think I'm gonna take this

or the river's not gonna be
the only hot water I'm in today.

River's actually very cold.

Hey, boo.

Wow.

This is awesome.

We're about to set sail

through one of America's
greatest aquatic treasures.

- Kevin, don't hit your brother.
- I didn't.

You heard what he said about

the aquatic treasures
and everything, right?

- Yeah.
- And you didn't wanna hit him?

- Hmm, well, that's progress.
- Wow.

I don't understand, though.
Like, what are you even saying?

But j-just like that?!

I-I love you! You love me!

Tanya, please!

Please, just let's think
about this for a second, honey.

You're all that I have
in this world!

Tanya, no, babe. No, Tanya! No!

Please don't hang up!
No! No! Goddamn it!

Who's ready to go on the river?

Um, are you okay, Chad?

Oh, yeah!

Turns out,
I'm not engaged anymore.

So...

All aboard.

I don't know about this, Russ.

Oh, come on. He's kidding.

What?

We're a day away
from walley world.

Dad, I don't think any of us
really care about Walley World.

The boys are right, Russ.

I mean,
we almost died back there.

I mean, isn't it time
that we just cut our losses?

I cannot believe
what I'm hearing.

I... oh. Oh, my God!

Huh? All right.

That has to be a sign, right?

We were meant
to finish this trip.

Come on, guys,
everybody sing it with me.

- We're losing the station, Russ.
- We're not losing anything.

Yes, we are, just...

We just have to listen
a little harder!

Okay, no, no, no.

It's gone. It's gone.

- Just let it go!
- Fine!

Just thought
we could all sing seal together

like normal families do.

Ah, crap!

Now what?

We're almost out of gas.

Oh, my God.

It's all right.

I'm sure we will find
a place to fill up around here

before we run out.

Ugh. Man. No signal at all.

Wonder if the prancer
has roadside assistance.

How would we even call them?

Maybe it's one of the buttons
on the fob.

Seriously? You're gonna keep
pressing buttons?

Well,
we never tried the top hat.

Oh, geez.

Oh, my God!

Well, now we know
what the top hat does.

I'm not gonna do the swastika.

All that's left is the muffin.

Come on, muffin.

- What?
- It started!

- Yes!
- All right!

Oh! Must be the extra gas tank.

- Right?
- Oh! The muffin!

Dad to the rescue!

- Thank God.
- Wait, where's it going?

Wait! Wait a minute!

Make it... Make it stop!

I don't know how!
I'll hit the muffin again!

All right. We can handle this.

Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't say that.

Do not say that we can
handle this, Russ.

- Okay?
- We can.

No, we can't! We can't!

From the moment we left
for this trip,

nothing has gone right.

Can you please just admit
that this was a mistake?

But it wasn't. Right?

We all wanted to go.

- I didn't.
- Me neither.

No. Me neither.

You wanted to go.

All right, I think tempers

are getting a little hot
right now.

We just have to, uh...

We just all have to...

Fuck me!

I give up!

All I wanted to do
was take my fuckin' family

on a fuckin' trip
to walley world

and ride
the fucking velociraptor!

Ow! There's a rock in that.

I guess I'm the asshole

for trying to bring my family
closer together, right?

What do I get?

Kids who don't wanna be with me,

and a wife who's miserable.

- Russ.
- Oh, come on, Debbie.

You know it's true.
You think you settled for me.

You think I'm a loser
regional pilot.

Well, guess what?

I get offers from international
carriers all the time,

and I turn them down.

Why?

Because I don't wanna be away

from you and the kids that long.

I'm an idiot!

I should take one of those jobs

and fly off
to the Pyramids of Zambezi

and the lost gardens
of wherever the fuck!

Just forget it.

Forget this whole, stupid trip.

You people are on your own.

I'm sure you'll find
a better husband and father.

A cowboy with a huge six-pack

who will take you to Paris
and wrestling and... to books.

What...

Wait, where are you going?

Fuck if I know!

Ow! God!

These tumbleweeds are all filled
with things that are hard!

What the...

Oh, no.

Help.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Stop!

Come on. Go, go, go!

Help!

No!

Help!

Don't you kill him! Dad!

I'm so sorry.

When I called you a pedophile,
I was...

No! No, no, no, no!

No! Not...
Not in front of my family!

Your wife left this
in a truck stop in Missouri.

Thought you might want it back.

Oh, my God.

Wait! Wait!

Is that my ring?

This man's been trying to
return it to us the whole time.

I don't know
how I could ever thank you.

No thanks necessary.

It was on my way.

So you're not a rapist?

Looks like your car's
pretty messed up.

Where you headed?

Um...

Home, I guess.

Well, I can take you
as far as San Francisco.

Will that help?

Yeah. Yeah, th-that'll work.

Thank you.
All right, come on, guys.

Thank you.

He still didn't answer me.

Oh, Kevin.

Well, thanks for the ride.
Really appreciate it.

Hey, you know, you never told us

why you keep that Teddy bear
on the front of your truck.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it makes the kids
feel more comfortable.

Oh, yeah? You... you have kids?

Nope.

Right. Take care.

Well, I guess that's that.

Yeah.

We'll get a flight home
tomorrow.

Do not stay here!

It's the worst bed and breakfast
we've ever been to!

They oughta
shut this place down!

The owner is a lunatic!

You all come back now, ya hear?

Hey!

Look who made it!

Ellen!

Oh, there you are. They're here!

Hi, Dad.

We were so happy
to get that call.

How was your trip?

- Well, it's a long story.
- Give me a hug.

- Hi, Grandpa.
- Come here, you two.

Oh, my gosh!

You're Gettin' so big!

Hey, come on, let's go inside.

- Grandpa, you don't have to.
- No, I can do it. Really.

- Oh, Russ.
- Clark.

Oh, no. I got this.

I'm fine.

Ow. This really hurts.

And that's when
the muffin made the car explode.

But it didn't really matter

because our luggage
and all of our stuff

had already been stolen

by the guy with the rat
on his shoulder.

They even took my guitar.

Oh, James, that's terrible.

A musician without
his instrument

is as bad as a shoemaker
without a toilet seat.

I may have something for you.

It's very fragile. Look.

- You take care of that.
- Wow, Grandpa.

Thank you so much.

- Cool!
- Yeah!

Doesn't look like much,

but that's
a very special guitar.

It was given to me
by Bob Dillon.

The Bob Dylan?

No. A Bob Dillon.

D-I-L-L-O-N.

An accountant friend of mine.

But it was given to him
by Jimmy Hendricks.

The Jimi Hendrix?

No.

So how's
the b-and-b business going?

We love it, are you kidding?
It's a great fit for us.

We love visitors.

We love having people around
to care for.

We're people people.

Hey, guys.
You mind if we join you?

We're occupied right now.
Beat it.

Hmm. All right, guys,
it's gettin' late.

Why don't you go to bed, okay?

- Okay, Mom.
- Yeah. I'll run you upstairs.

Good night, Grandma and Grandpa.

- Nighty-night.
- Thank you.

Sleep tight.

Well, you've certainly
had an adventure.

Well, yes.

"Adventure"
is one way to put it.

How's Audrey?

Oh, she's great.

Yeah, she and Stone,
they seem to be very happy.

Key word there is "seem."

What do you mean?

Their marriage is a sham.

What?

Well, they sleep around
on each other.

Been doin' it for years.

Oh, my gosh.

I just wish Audrey had found
a more solid marriage

like you and Rusty.

Hey, Russ, can we talk?

I knew we had some problems.

Is it this bad?

Is our marriage dying?

No.

No, a marriage only dies
when you stop trying.

And you have never
stopped trying.

I just think maybe I did.

What do you mean?

I've only been thinking
about myself, you know?

I wanted to change the routine,

and I want to go on
exotic trips and...

Yeah, there's nothing wrong
with that.

I was crazy to think
I could make us closer

by locking us in a car
for a week.

No, but you were doing that
for us.

You have been trying so hard

to make this trip memorable
for me and the kids, and...

And I didn't appreciate that.

But why would you?

I mean, I've put you
through some serious shit.

Literally,
a pool of shit in Arkansas.

You deserve better.

What, better than you?

How many men
would sacrifice their careers

for their family like you have?

Oh, I didn't sacrifice anything.

I have everything
I've ever wanted.

Debbie.

Yeah?

Will you continue to be my wife?

I was wondering when you were
gonna give that back to me.

I was wondering
if you still wanted it.

I do.

Wait a minute.

Are we gonna do this?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna pound the shit
out of you.

- Russ!
- What?

Lock the door.

I'm gonna lock the shit
out of that door.

Hey, Dad.

Morning, Rusty.

You think you could drive us
to the airport this afternoon?

There's a flight
back to Chicago at 4:00.

Chicago?

What about Walley World?

Oh, no.
We, uh... we've had enough.

This trip's been a nightmare.

Well, that's what
family vacations are.

But you can't give up, Russ.

Well, why not?

I mean, they always say
"it's not the destination,

"it's the journey," right?

The journey sucks.

That's what makes you
appreciate the destination.

You had a dream to take
your family to walley world.

Never let that go.

I know I didn't.

Well, how would
we even get to Walley World?

We don't have a car.

Hey, come on.

You leave that to me.

Oops. Wrong door.

Could I, uh, take the Nissan?

No. No.

Wait, Dad, I thought
we were going to the airport.

Boys, when your father
makes you a promise,

he keeps it.

- That's not right.
- This sucks.

Wow.

This place is huge.

This is dope as fuck.

- Kevin.
- Kevin.

Told you you guys
would love it, right?

Hey, Dad.

It really is dope as fuck.

I know, right?

- Guys!
- Oh, wait!

There she is. The Velociraptor.

I can't believe
we actually made it.

I know.

Mwah!

You guys ready
for the ride of your life?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, hells yeah.

If I'm being honest,
it looks a little daunting.

Come on. Race you to the ride.

Yeah, go, go! Faster! Come on!

Two more hours, guys.

Oh, my gosh.

All right, guys. Get psyched!

Yes!

This is it! This is why we came
all this way.

Excuse us.

What was that?

Last ride tonight.
Park's closin'.

- No, we were next.
- What?

Oh, no, no. That's not okay.

- That's not...
- This is ridiculous.

Hey. Excuse me.

You just cut in front of us.

No, see,
we bought the platinum pass

so we get to skip the lines.

Fifth time today on this one.

Right, well, w-w-we just drove
2,500 miles to ride this ride

so you can't just take our spot.

Wait a minute, you...

Econo air.

Yeah?

Good to see ya.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you and your family
go fuck yourselves.

I'm sorry, guys.

Oh, my God!

Okay.

You're a dead man.

Get off!

Oh, it's on.

Kevin, no!

Wait, James.
No, you're not gonna fight.

I'm not gonna stand here
like a little bitch.

What?!

Oh, shit!

No, Kevin. Kevin, no.

Kevin, come on.

You people are fucking crazy!

What kind of a family are you?

We're the Griswolds!

See you around you piece of ass!

- Let's do this.
- All right.

Oh, man. I haven't been
in a fight like that for years.

First car, all right!

Man, our family
fucked that family up.

We did.

Did you see how I scratched
that girl's arm?

Oh, I saw it, honey.
You gave her a good scratch.

Yeah, my fingers
still hurt a little,

but I think I'll be okay.

Oh, boy. Here we go!

- Hold on.
- Oh, gosh!

Russ?

Yeah-huh?

Is it supposed to
stay upside-down like this?

Yeah. I don't think so.

Oh.

Dad, are we stuck?

Looks that way, pal.

My eyes,
they're starting to bulge.

I'm sure
they'll have us down any minute.

Well, guys, what'd you think
of walley world?

Yeah.

Listen, boys.

I can't tell you how much
it's meant to me

to spend all this time with you.

I love you
more than anything in the world.

And if I could, I'd spend
every single day with you.

So, we'll see you in a week.

Wait, what's going on?

Petersons are gonna pick you up
at O'Hare,

and you'll stay with them.

Where are we going?

Someplace I shoulda taken you
a long time ago.

How did you get
free tickets to Paris?

I used my connections
as a pilot.

Oh, you're amazing.

Well, you are my queen,

and you deserve
to be treated like one.

I know
it's not exactly first-class

or coach.

Honey, it's perfect.

Yeah?

So how long is the flight?

12 hours.

Perfect.