VHYes (2019) - full transcript

[whispering] Thanks.

♪organ plays wedding music♪

You may kiss the bride.

[man] Take it on vacations,

-family parties...
-Whoa.

[woman] Is it on?

-Can you see me?
-Huh?

-How do I look?
-[laughs]

[Ralph] Mom, you look great.

What's so funny?

[Ralph] Nothing.



[man] Hey, careful, Ralphie.

That's not a toy.

-I paid a lot of money for that.
-Yeah, I know, I kn--

[man] Ralph.

Did you put a tape in that?

-Yeah.
-Which tape?

[Ralph] I found one underneath
the entertainment center.

Was it blank?

[Ralph] I- I think s--

[applause and wedding music]

Hello and Merry Christmas.

Operation Just Cause
enters its fifth day--

[man] It says here...

we can record
straight from the TV.



-Hey, Ralphie.
-Huh?

Grab this cord

and plug into the
back of the camera.

-Uh, right here?
-Yup.

There you go.

...troops have been
playing music at loud volumes

outside the embassy,
in an attempt

to force Noriega to surrender.

The opera-loving dictator
has been forced to listen--

[VO] 10 of the same!

♪jaunty music♪

[horses neighing
and country music]

What's wrong here, partner?

Kindly the Cowboy,
I got this big ol' problem.

Hm?

This bully at school
keeps fighting--

...Black Sabbath, and songs
chosen for their ironic titles,

-such as "No More--"
-Pretty cool, huh, Ralphie?

You can record all
your favorite shows.

-[chortles]
-Stop it!

[cheering]

[Ralph] Hi there, my name--

my name is Ralph, and
I just got this camera.

It can zoom in...

it can zoom out,

in, out.

It can zoom out,
in, out, in, out.

[whispering] Toothbrush.

[man and woman talking
indistinctly in background]

Hi, grandma.

So I'm gonna prank
my mom with this.

[fart noise]

Sh-sh-shh, [whispering]
be cool, be cool.

[fart noise]

-[laughter]
-Got you!

[woman] Ralphie!

Are you filming this?

Cool.

-[snickers]
-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Go outside and play.

-It's a beautiful morning.
-Aww...

You shouldn't be
filming everyth--

I could get hurt.

This thing is huge.

[Ralph] Just light
it and run away!

That's what adults do.

I can't.

[Ralph] Ugh.

Oh, come on.

[Josh] [whispering] Okay.

'Kay, I'm gonna do it.

Are you recording?

[Josh] I don't think so.

What button do I press?

You press the
button-- the-- the red one.

[Josh] Oh, cool.

That was amazing!

Meteor!

Meteor!

-Yeah!
-Yeah, that was killer, man.

-Ow, mother-- !
-Don't touch it!

[Ralph] Arg!

All right, so this is
my best friend Josh,

and we're super best pals.

Want to say hi, Josh?

[fart noise]

[Ralph] Classic Josh.

-[sneezes]
-Bless you.

-[sneezes]
-Bless you again.

Thanks.

Wait, wait, wait.

So you're telling me you
can wa-- you can record

late-night TV with this stuff

and watch it in
your room later?

That's so cool.

♪soft music playing from TV♪

[Ralph] All you have
to do is just plug--

♪soft music♪

And welcome back to
'Painting with Joan.'

We're just having a lot of fun
today on our canvases today.

Our experiences
and our imagination

are working together

to create something
really inspiring.

I'm glad you're here.

So why don't we go ahead and
cheer up these mountains?

What do you say?

So we're gonna want
to take our palettes

and find a lively,
earthy brown.

Mix them all together.

I just love mixing.

Do you?

♪♪♪

Now, we're gonna grab
our two-inch brush.

If you don't have one,
one-and-a-half is fine.

-And we're just gonna--
-Cheryl, nine years ago,

you stole my heart.

Seven years ago, you
made me single again.

You broke my heart.

-Oh, well...
-I'm in love again

and I'm in love with this.

What-- what are we talking--

what is-- what can
I do with this pen?

[Cheryl] Oh, you can do--

...budget for the
Department of Defense--

Gina, thank you so much for
bringing this beautiful--

'Night, honey!

I'll only be a few minutes.

Goodnight, Mom.

Don't be gone long.

I have a bad feeling.

♪suspenseful music♪

Time to steal.

Shoot!

They got Umbrose
Security Systems!

[VO] You think you're safe?

You're not.

♪♪♪

Hey, little girl.

[screams]

♪dramatic music♪

Milton and 5th, code red.

I'm Mr. Nightmare.

Freeze!

Umbrose Security!

You guys got here fast!

[gunshots]

Thanks, Umbrose Security.

I'll sleep easy tonight.

[ding]

[sighs]

Got him.

I'm having a lot of fun.

Now, we're gonna grab
a little frost white,

give our mountains
a little hat.

Snow!

And we're just gonna go in
and give little strokes,

just kiss the canvas.

Not with your mouth.

Don't ever kiss the
canvas with your mouth.

These paints are toxic.

Kiss it with your brush.

Beautiful.

And there you go.

Beautiful mountain.

Now, let's get back
to the spaceship.

You can see, obviously
by the design,

that it's from
the Zenin galaxy.

They're a peaceful and
prosperous civilization

who've had the benefit
of female leadership

for the last 5,000 years.

When I see these beauties
go by in the sky

and I say, "Hey, you!"...

they never stop.

Now, let's get back
to the main subject

of our painting:
Dennis Rodman.

Remember, every brushstroke
is a sentence in a story,

and in this story,
I'm dunking on Dennis

harder than I've dunked
on anyone in the 23 years

that I've been alive.

I'm grabbing onto his
beautiful green hair,

his sweaty neck
sliding in-between

my dark, green
courduroys.

We smash the board
with our ecstasy.

There's moisture.

Some of it isn't sweat.

So, we're just gonna
take our brush,

and we're gonna
soften the edges.

Downward strokes.

Just like that.

Very careful,
it's a tricky area.

...to kind of balance the--
the muzzle of the gun

while they shot skeet.

[man] ...all can
be yours, 79.95!

I know you-- you're thinking
"Hey, that feels like a lot,"

but also, this is the
pen that I'm gonna give

to my son, and my son's
gonna give to his son,

and on and on and on.

I don't wanna get
choked up right now,

but I-- I just might.

I just might get
choked up about this.

-[laughs]
-We're k--

we don't have children.

-We--
-But--

[VO] When a kooky geneticist
lost his only son, Zach...

♪jaunty music♪

he broke the laws of
nature to bring him back.

♪♪♪

He cloned him!

But someone got carried away.

Now, there's...

10 of the same!

♪♪♪

Three are just a
little different.

♪♪♪

[applause]

New Zach 3...

What's up, Pops?

Did you leave...this
shirt on the front lawn?

-[laughter]
-Dad...

New Zach 2 is messing with you.

-I'm New Zach 3.
-[laughter]

Did you leave this shirt
on the front lawn?

Dad...

New Zach 7 is messing with you.

I'm actually New Zach 3.

-[laughter]
-Duh!

[laughter]

[whimpering] Did you leave
this shirt on the front lawn?

That's not one of mine.

I think it's one of New Zach's.

[all] Which one?

[laughter]

And I thought being a
scientist was hard.

I should've cloned
a bigger house.

Dad, can I have some
money to go shopping

at the mall?

[scoffs] And a bigger wallet.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

...as the Peace Dividend,
a surplus of Treasury--

And because King
Corperation is the only

potato manufacturer
in the realm--

-...funding--
-..some red dying in there.

That staining, um,
actually is blood.

This was a receptacle
for hearts.

They would put the
heart inside of here

when they would try
to revive a person

by, uh, giving them
a heart transplant.

Of course, this never worked.

It was always a
last-ditch effort.

They originally
used coffee tins

and the hearts were,
you know, dying and--

and everyone would die
during these procedures.

And so they thought,
"Maybe let's go

a little more ornate.

Maybe if it was a ornate bowl,

the heart would, you
know, have a little more

energy to it."

We know that not
to be the case,

and they soon found out too,

because everyone died, um,
on the operating table.

They did have one
more version of--

-It's really fantastic.
-It really is.

It could do anything.

It's unbelie--
well, it can do--

it can do literally anything
that a pen can do.

-Yes, yes, it can.
-That's fantastic.

-That's true.
-And the weight, again,

-is magnificent.
-Yeah.

And on the other side,
it commemorates

some of the great,
great figures

of the Confederacy,
but, uh,

you don't have to use that
side if you don't want to.

-No--
-This one probably had

100 to 200, uh,
Victorian-era, uh,

hearts of dead people in it.

So back in those days,
they was trying heart plants--

-transplants?
-They-- they did.

Uh, um, they were very
naive about medical,

um...

I'm actually...

Oh, do you kn-- do--

I think this is a bowl.

Yeah, I- I do--
I think it is a bowl.

Um, sorry.

♪cheerful music♪

-...buy and sell--
-Start your life--

♪classical music♪

♪hard rock music♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Ass fuck!♪

♪Fuck you!♪

♪Fuck her!♪

♪Fuck the government!♪

♪harsh feedback♪

[applause]

Fuck yes!

Language

-[applause]
-[woman] Wow.

-Whoa!
-Wow, that was interesting.

All these-- all these
instruments here,

they're all being played
at the same time?

Dad, please,
don't embarrass me.

I don't-- I don't know--

I don't know how you
remember all those lyrics.

-I was actually gonna say that.
-It's amazing!

Um, uh, uh, uh, Jim,

we already met you
from the Phlegmbats, uh,

but we have yet to
meet the other two.

Uh, maybe you guys
would like to perhaps, uh,

introduce yourselves.

Peter V.

And-- and you are?

Paco.

Cool, uh, you
heard it here first!

Their song,
"Ass Fuck 666,"

off their new sophomore
album on cassette,

The Phlegmbats' self-titled,
uh, Phle-- The Phlegmbats.

You could get that
just about anywhere

that they sell, uh,
cassette tapes, so, yeah.

[woman] H- How do
you, uh, boys--

h- how-- I'm sorry.
[laughs]

How do you boys come
up with your lyrics?

Her forthcoming
novel, VHS Comatose,

explores the
compulsive pathology

of an entire
generation

of home video
camera owners.

Rita Sternwick,
thank you for joining us.

It's my pleasure, Todd.

And you make the case that
excessive filming and recording

may lead to isolation,
lack of sexual desire,

headaches and,
in rare instances,

-a complete psychotic break.
-Mm-hm.

[laughs] Now, I understand
that hyperbolic statements

sell books, but don't
you think this fear

-is a tad bit overblown?
-I don't.

I've been studying
VHS culture for years.

It's become my life's work.

I've found

that most VHS owners are
exhibiting a condition

that psychiatric
professionals are calling

-"tape narcissism."
-"Tape narcissism?"

Yes, it's a pattern of
collecting and recording

your experiences on VHS

that eventually alters the
foundation of your reality.

So you're telling me
by bringing a camera

to my son's baseball
game, it will, um...

-alter my reality?
-Yes.

At first, your
perceived reality,

then reality itself.

[laughs]

I believe the
home VHS camcorder

is the beginning of
something very frightening.

One day, we all could
have mini VHS cameras

in our pockets.

Or built into the very
fabric of our t-shirts.

One day, the real world
will exist to be filmed.

People will die filming
themselves falling off cliffs.

The birthrate will
seemingly increase

and then collapse completely.

Nations will elect celebrities
into political office.

-[scoffs]
-The whole world will go hungry

as farmers ignore their crops

while they're filming
their cows.

I believe

this is the beginning
of the fall of mankind.

Mankind?

♪dramatic music♪

[VO] Up next--

[Ralph breathing
heavily and whimpering]

[door shuts]

[man shouting in another
room] Every time we go out,

you have a problem!

[woman in another room] This
is [inaudible] happen to me.

[man] Do you know what you are?

You are a--

[inaudible] with me!

-You are an absolute--!
-♪cheerful wedding music♪

-Say cheese!
-Cheese!

-[laughs]
-One more time, big smile!

Here we go!

♪♪♪

Hey, I'm Ralph and
I'm about to make

the best video mixtape ever!

♪"Ass Fuck 666" by
The Phlegmbats♪

♪Drink beer, drink my piss♪
♪Fuck you♪

♪Ass fuck♪

-♪Ass fuck♪
-[singing] Ass fuck!

♪Ass fuck♪

-♪Ass fuck♪
-Ralphie!

Turn...down...the mu-- !

[birds chirping]

[Ralph] The death
of a watermelon.

Whoo!

[laughs]

This is the greatest fight
in the history of fights.

Roar, I'm a brontosaurus!

I've been extinct for...

many years, and
you cannot kill me!

You forgot about me.

I'm your cousin, brontonaurus!

Whoa!

What?

Bahh!

No more!

[chanting] No more dinosaurs!

No more dinosaurs!

You forgot about me,

-the ju--
-[knocking] Ralph.

-Yeah?
-What's goin' on, buddy?

I'm just playing with my toys.

All right, well, your mom
and I are gonna head out.

[Ralph] Okay.

[man] There's some
pizza in the fridge.

If you get hungry, you can warm
it up in the new microwave.

-Okay.
-All right, bedtime's 11.

I know.

[woman] No
late-night TV, Ralph.

Okay.

Josh in the house!

Oh, wait.

Now I'm in the house.

[man on TV] ...San Fernando
Valley in the year 1982.

'Hot Winter' was one of the
first films in American cinema

to address one of today's
most important issues:

global warming.

Some of the scenes in
tonight's film are intense

and suggestive in nature.

These scenes have been
shortened or edited

from the film.

We are proud to present
to you the 1982 classic,

one of my favorite
films, 'Hot Winter,'

a film by Dick Pierre.

♪piano music♪

♪funky music♪

[woman] I can't believe
you're the world's

leading climate scientist

and a successful bodybuilder.

Dr. Manly,

is there anything
you can't do?

I think I just cured the
common cold in an equation.

Who's done that?

All of this,

and without breaking a sweat?

And it's so hot today.

I'm sweating.

It is...

very hot.

And it's winter.

It's winter...

and it's hot.

It's a...

hot winter.

A hot winter?

That's so strange.

Aren't winters
supposed to be cold?

Maybe I should...

take this off.

♪porny music♪

♪piano music♪

I also read an
article just yesterday

by award-winning novelist
Dr. Manly and it said

that this warmer winter
will eventually lead

to the melting of the Arctic
ice caps and then,

we're in trouble,
big trouble,

and he's calling it...

-"global warming."
-[gasps]

Ms. Frost, this sounds serious.

[woman] What about the
polar bears who live there?

If the ice caps
melt, will they die?

We don't need polar bears!

We certainly don't need
Dr. Manly's opinions.

At Oil Corp, we have our own
scientists who will say and do

whatever we want.

Scientists!

[clears throat]

Hello.

Do you have a
question about...

science?

You are cute.

I've never met a
scientist before.

My friends are
scientists as well.

♪porny music♪

I'm a scientist.

[breathing heavily]
I'm a scientist.

Scientists, show the
intern your data.

Because of an increased
global temperature,

water supplies will
become scarce

and endanger
human beings.

Wow, sounds scary!

We also probably need
to save water in case

we need to fight forest fires!

[knocking]

Who's that
knocking at the door?

Oh, that's Rico.

-He's hot.
-[laughs]

Let's have a threesome!

-Hey, Rico.
-Hey, girls.

Wood delivery for ya.

-Thanks, Rico.
-Thanks.

Yeah.

H- Hey ladies,

what are you doing
here right now,

it being such a hot winter?

There's more chances of a
forest fire in a hot winter

than if it was a cold winter.

How's football season, Rico?

Football season's well.

I scored seven
touchdowns yesterday.

-Wow, that's a lot.
-Yeah.

And I also hurt
my elbow, though.

-Oh no!
-That looks bad!

[Rico] I know.

The doctor said
they might have to...

-amputate my elbow.
-[gasps]

[Rico] Aw, thanks, girls.

Feels much better now.

That's...

hot.

-I like that.
-Where else does it hurt, Rico?

We'll be right back.

♪piano music♪

I'm having a really good time.

This is so much fun.

Despite the protests, the museum
went ahead with the opening

of photographer
Robert Mapplethorpe's

"The Perfect Moment."

-Yah!
-Don't shoot.

Did you know that 42
people have more wealth

than the poorest 3.7
billion combined?

-What?
-Yeah!

Get ready to
blast-off...those pounds.

Whoo!

Ha-ha!

Yeah!

Burn!

Yeah! Ha-ha!

-Let's get loose.
-Let's go, guys!

Go over to those thermostats

and crank those babies way up.

The room we're filming in
right now is 92 degrees!

Remember, the hotter the room,

the bigger the blast-off.

Those pounds will
fall right off.

♪energetic music♪

[VO] Introducing
the Soundwall 2000.

Simply bring the Soundwall 2000
into the bathroom with you.

-♪jazzy music♪
-[urinating sounds]

[birds chirping]

[VO] No more stressful
trips to the bathroom,

no more wondering if she
heard you pee on the floor.

And let the romance begin.

♪♪♪

Wow, what a kiss.

-Thanks--
-♪dramatic music♪

You know the guy we found
murdered on 3rd Avenue?

This is the last
will and testament

of Sir Roger Handley V.

[man] He left his last
will and testament.

He also outlined how he
would get his revenge.

A series of events
that, with your help,

will avenge my terrible death

and bring this
cretinous fool to justice.

-[laughs]
-We're getting close.

-I can feel it.
-However,

if I was not murdered by Lady
Margaret and Count Giovanni

and you know this as fact,

please fast-forward past my
elaborate plan for revenge

to the section
where I am holding up

this red piece of paper.

Please, understand--
[fast-forwarded speech]

♪dramatic music♪

We're getting close.

I can taste it!

[fast-forwarded speech]

This Handley was
quite the character.

[fast-forwarded
maniacal laughing]

We're getting close.

We're getting really close.

It's a chair.

I mean, I- I don't know
quite what you want me to say.

It's not even that old.

And these are magnificent.

Take a look at these
baggies right here.

-I'm lookin' at 'em.
-Now, that is a 100% polythene.

-Wow.
-It's made in Taiwan.

-No!
-Wow, the Republic of Taiwan.

-Yes.
-And, it features this open

-and reseal tech--
-Oh, wow!

[Tony] That you've been
hearing so much about.

Look at that.

-Tell me, Tony.
-Mm-hm?

[Cheryl] What kinds
of things can you put

in these little baggies anyway?

[Tony] Oh my gosh,
absolutely anything.

For example, I'm talking
about, uh, tiny little screws.

Earrings.

-Yes.
-You know what is one thing

that I like to put
in them, Cheryl?

Tell me.

-Sugar.
-Oh.

I like to put sugar in 'em.

I ge-- I get my
morning cup o' Joe--

-Yes, he does.
-And I want just the exact

amount of sugar--

...privatize
prisons in America.

Some believe that
by owning a prison,

a company might
have more incentive

to give money
to politicians

who favor stricter
laws to increase--

Whoo!

Hey!

-All right!
-Hah!

Kickin' it!

Feelin' it!

Whoo! Whoo!

Activate that whole body!

♪energetic music♪

Again!

Right, left, right, hah!

Blastin' off!

Whoo!

Whoo!

-You got it!
-Ha-ha, you got it!

Kick!

That's it!

♪♪♪

[gags and heaves]

[beep tone]

[Tony] ...a family
of zebras over here.

-Oh that's--
-[neighs]

-That's amazing.
-[laughs] Do they neigh?

[Tony] And then, um, [alien
voice] take me to your leaders.

-Oh. [laughs]
-And then, uh, I've got

kids on the-- kids
on the playground,

-having a time.
-Yes.

The coating system
alone, who figured this out?

I-- I couldn't-- I couldn't
have thought of this.

-I c-- you do--
-You've known me

-for a long time.
-You've never thought

-of anything.
-[laughs]

♪dark soft music♪

I was the MC that night.

-Hello, everyone!
-I introduced the girls and...

told some jokes.

♪♪♪

Sisters were supposed to
show of their talents, so...

First up...we have...

[sing-song voice] Laura!

Now, get on up here!

-[giggles]
-[applause]

♪♪♪

My talent was
to play the piano,

so I played the piano.

♪♪♪

It was all just really
supposed to be fun.

[VO] It was all
supposed to be fun

at the Beta Z semi-formal.

Girls were drinking,
getting to know each other,

until Rachel Drexler, a
sophomore from Tennessee,

got up to do her talent.

[Laura] I didn't
really know Rachel.

At first, she seemed
like a really nice girl.

But the more you talked to her,

the more you felt like
"Whoa, something's weird here."

[evil laughter]

♪jazzy music♪

Ow!

[VO] Are pesky back
pains ruining your life?

Guess I can't organize my
husband's birthday party.

Shoot!

[VO] Are you
missing important calls

because of your elbow pain?

Ow!

Oh no,

that was the President!

-Hey, Ricky.
-Hey!

Ah!

[VO] Are sudden
knee pains making you

clinically depressed?

Ow!

Uh oh, that's no fun.

Why don't you try Flexi Cream?

[VO] [echoing] Flexi Cream!

Thanks, Tracy Beth.

[VO] For only 14.99,
obtain freakish flexibility

you've only dreamed of.

Just apply a quick
layer of Flexi Cream

in a circular motion on
your elbows or hurt area.

And...voila!

Flexibility you have
to see to believe.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Thanks, Flexi Cream.

Mr. President, about those wars.

♪♪♪

I recommend the following.

You might wanna come
closer to your TV,

turn down the volume,

pull out your Hank
Frankston scratch pad,

and write these bad boys down.

[drum roll]

Betamax--

...is really just for
super serious bakers.

Let me tell you now about the
deluxe packaging solution.

-Yes.
-Okay, Cheryl, so

this is really for your
serious bakers only.

Now, take a look.

Have you ever seen
packaging like this?

[Cheryl] No, I have not.

[Tony] And it's absolutely--
the flour is wrapped in there

nice and tight, it is 100
percent, uh, protected

from the elements, and
see this right here?

-Uh-huh.
-You've got four pieces.

That's-- that's...

genuine parcel tape.

And correct me if I'm wrong,
but can this packaging solution

survive up to 100
feet of water?

Is that correct, Tony?

-Tell me the truth.
-Cheryl, and I'm just--

this is just the science,
I'm quoting the scientists.

It is Pacific Ocean
tested and approved.

[VO] And in just one
application, you'll be restored

to the full head of hair
you enjoyed as a youth.

Hairs will sprout from
your scalp like mushrooms

after a storm.

Fronzly Hair Growth.

You'll get it back.

[rapidly] Side effects may
include nausea, growth spurts,

poor decision-making,
death, murder, loss of vision,

and illiteracy.

[evil laughter]

And then, at the talent show...

she did something
that, to this day...

I don't fully understand.

And last, but
certainly not least...

Rachel!

[applause]

And then she
comes onstage...

with some weird...

freakin' top
hat on, right?

Ho! [laughs]

And then she took
out this stick

with a white tip.

Started wavin' it around.

And then this next part,
it is so vivid to me,

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

And a little...

Hey!

[laughs]

[Paulina] It gives me the
chills just thinkin' about it.

People don't do that,
people don't have cards...

in their hat.

For my first trick, I'm
going to need a volunteer.

Anyone?

[Paulina] Then she said,
"I need a volunteer."

"I need a volunteer."

[slo-mo voice] A volunteer.

When you're in your
20s, you feel invincible.

-I'll do it.
-Paulina!

Yeah!

Let's give her a hand.

Okay, all I'm gonna
need you to do is...

pick a card.

And she says "Pick a card."

-Any card?
-Any card.

[laughing] And I was like...

"Okay, where's this going?"

Now, show the room.

♪suspenseful music♪

Now, I'm not looking.

And when she told Paulina
to do all that stuff...

she turned away.

She didn't look at the cards.

She didn't know what
card Paulina had picked.

Great, now put it
back in the deck.

♪♪♪

And with a
little bit...

of shuffling...

We're like "Where's the talent?

A lot of people can shuffle."

And...

-was this your card?
-[gasps]

It's the exact card...

that I had picked out and
showed to the audience before.

How did you know
what card I picked?

How could she have known?

Have you ever seen a...

[slo-mo voice]
magic trick before?

That's when I knew.

When she said
that word, "magic."

Are you a witch?

[gasps]

-What?
-She's a witch!

They were like, "She's a witch!

She's got the Devil
workin' for her!

We should kill her!"

[screaming]

So I stood up.

We can't kill her!

You know, e- even if
someone is a witch,

you just can't kill 'em.

You know?

I mean, there's--
there's freakin' laws!

I said, "Somebody
fill up the bathtub..."

...and if she sinks,
she's not a witch

but if she floats...

"...she's a witch."

I've been thinkin'
about this for years

and there's no way she
could've seen that card

that Paulina picked.

You just don't shuffle the top.

It's a-- it's a
[slo-mo voice] magic trick.

And that's when I knew.

That...

is exactly what
a witch would say.

♪eerie music♪

So we set her on fire

and the sorority house
burned down with it.

♪dark strings♪

-...genuinely bipolar.
-Okay.

Well, I wasn't that
before I met you.

-Okay. [laughs]
-[laughs] I'm just saying.

That's called "projection."

When you project your
problems onto other people,

-it's called "projection."
-Well, I don't know.

I'm not a drunk.
[laughs]

Yeah, at least I can...

come without
thinking about my mom.

-How much are we charging--
-Go fuck yourse--

What is that?

Well, this feller...

got in front of my truck this
morning and [laughs] well...

well, when Jesus
gives you a lemon,

you gotta skin it
and make lemonade.

But first...

you gotta take out
the intestines.

Kindly the Cowboy, I
think he's still alive.

♪dance music♪

[clock ticking]

[rain pattering]

[pot whistling]

[birds chirping]

[Ralph] Gshhhp.

-Hey, Mom.
-Mm-hm?

[Ralph] [laughs] So, um,

-I was watching this show--
-Mm-hm.

[Ralph] And it said that...

that there's a haunted
sorority house in our town.

Is-- is that true?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, um...

there was a fire there

-and a girl died.
-Geez.

Yeah, it was really terrible.

But don't go there, [distorting]
because they say it's haunted.

-Okay.
-Yeah, spooky things happen.

[Ralph] Okay, I won't go.

[woman] All right.

♪slow doo-wop music♪

[Ralph] Okay, Josh.

Tell 'em what
we're doing tonight.

Well, Ralph and I have this
friend in the ninth grade,

Raul Sambid.

He's [inaudible]
'Zombie Alien Hell 4,'

which is the
bloodiest film of all time.

[Ralph] And we're
gonna film it!

Yes, like everything lately.

You, you're gonna film it.

Me?

I'm gonna enjoy it.

[Ralph] How scary do
you think it's gonna be?

What the heck?

[Ralph] What?

[Josh] Ralph, is that your dad?

[Ralph] What the...

You know what, Josh?

-We should go no--
-♪poppy music♪

[crickets chirping]

[Ralph] Hey, Josh?

Yeah?

[Ralph] Do you...

ever want to get
married some day?

Uhhh I don't know.

Maybe.

I guess that's what
you're supposed to do, right?

-Yeah.
-[sighs]

Do you wanna ever get married?

[Ralph] Yeah.

Cool.

[sighs]

Ralph, c'mon!

And we set the girl on fire...

and the sorority house...

Burnt!

Down!

With her!

[Josh] Cool, man.

What do you mean?

[Josh] Like, do you think they
can touch you and kill you?

Or just scare you and kill you?

Hm.

Well, I know for a
fact that they cannot

touch you and kill you
because they're invisible.

-Womp womp.
-Yeah, but...

have you ever seen a ghost?

I mean, I've
never seen a ghost,

and if we can get a
ghost on camera,

we could become famous.

I can already see the
headlines in the newspaper now.

"Two boys find a ghost in
haunted sorority house."

♪soft music on TV♪

Welcome back to
'Sleeping with Joan.'

We've had a long day
of painting, cooking,

and plumbing with Joan,
and I think we've earned

a good night's rest.

I'm ready to shut my
eyes and quiet my mind

for the next four to 25 hours.

A good night's sleep
starts with a good blanket.

Leave your house and go
to your local blanket store.

Once inside, touch
every single blanket

until you've
found the right one.

If the people working
at the blanket store

say you're being too touchy
and ask you to leave... [puffs]

Just buy the last
one you touched.

That'll do.

[rustling]

My favorite thing
about my sheets

is how loud they are!

Can ya hear that?!

Almost sounds like
they're laughing.

♪♪♪

Once you have your sheets,

it's time to make sure you have
all your bedside accoutrements.

Fresh cat's milk, whiskey,

and a cabinet full of
lucky bones and hair,

to keep the night terrors away.

Once you're lying down,
it helps to close your eyes,

like this.

One, two, three.

I'm counting up.

It helps.

All right.

Now, it's your
turn to fall asleep.

I'll wait.

♪As long as I'm here...♪

[VO] 45 soul-crushing anthems

on a special
edition two-disc CD.

Being sad has never
sounded this good.

Hi.

Hi.

Look what I got.

[VO] We'll make the
Soundwall fit your personality.

He bought her this
decorative plate.

Wow, that's--
that's a fun story.

Your look at finance.

[VO] Our appraisers are
friendly and honest.

We give the highest--

Used to be a man could
walk down the street

with his head held high,

earn an honest wage.

Men used to...

build things.

But then,
somewhere along the way,

we were invaded!

By a bunch of Berkeley
flag-burnin' commie--

What in tarnation?

♪eerie music♪

[woman] Hello, earthling.

We are three sexy aliens
from the Drudru planet.

[man] Aliens?

Wh-- on my little farm?

What are y'all doin' here?

Our planet was
suffering from civil war

and our lives
were in danger.

We've heard America was built
by the hands of immigrants,

that you like to
help people in need.

And not to mention, you
have the nicest cocks

in the universe.

Well...

I don't know if
y'all should be here.

We already got a lot of
people here already.

[coughing]

What's goin' on?

What's-- what's goin'
on with that alien?

What's wrong with them?

Stardust is not
acclimated to your Earth air.

She needs to acclimate.

How do you do that?

We have to have lesbian sex
and orgasm multiple times.

♪♪♪

♪piano music♪

I'm surprised, earthling.

It's customary for an Earth male
to join in on our lesbian sex.

Oh, no, I- I'm fine.

I just-- I'm actually really
glad that she's doin' okay

and that you guys
had your lesbian sex.

That was great.

I just, uh, I'm
really tired all the time

and I got all my farming
equipment that needs to be f--

farmed and I'm really stressed.

[woman] Perhaps we can help.

We are excellent mechanics.

Your farmhouse is
over there, right?

We'll go fix your machines.

Oh my God, they
fixed my machines.

That was incredible,
they really fixed 'em.

My machines are fixed.

We'll be right--

-Time to steal.
-Are you paranoid?

Studies show you might be.

If you're not, then there's
a good chance you are.

-Story at 11.
-So I just thought,

"Just see what Jimmy--

Jimmy the Rat's
worth," you know?

Well, I'm happy that
you brought him in.

Um, it's a cute name,
"Jimmy the Rat."

-Look, he's got--
-He's actually a mouse.

-Sure.
-I actually, uh,

personally had one of my own.

Uh, I called mine
"Joshy," "Joshy Doll."

[high-pitched] That's
a dumb name.

Who calls me "Joshy Doll?"

I'll s-- I'm gonna
slap you bald.

Oh, somebody already did!

[laughs]

-Well, I--
-Whoa!

Hey Jimmy the Rat,
you're hilarious, man.

Um, like I said,
the condition of it is

something to
consider, if I may.

Um...

That's interesting, uh, these...

were usually attached
to the cloth, but here,

someone has put in
some wood nubs--

Check it, check
it, check it out.

And then nailed it together,
which actually, um...

[whispering] I'm Jimmy the Rat.

Jim-- Jimmy,
Jimmy, Jimmy the Rat--

W- where are you from?

-Me?
-Yeah.

Kalamazoo.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Irishtown?
-Yeah.

That's interesting.

Um, I say that because my dad--

-Mm-hm.
-Um, before he passed,

put wood nubs in just like this

to hold the feet on.

And this kid, kind of a
bully kid, Tony, uh, Tony B.,

um, took my doll.

So it's-- it's kind of crazy
that you have this doll.

Um, where did you--
where did you purchase it?

I got it at your
sleepover, Teddy.

-You're Tony B.?
-And I guess I put it in a box.

Yeah.

[laughs] Come on, I'm
on TV 18 hours a day.

You know me.

I-- I don't watch--

-I don't even own a TV.
-Wow!

The people always say
that, it's so funny.

-Yeah.
-Fans always love to say,

ah, they know you,
and then they're like,

"I never watch anything!"

-But you do.
-Well, I know you

-from childhood.
-Yeah, yeah.

From being a bully and
from stealing my doll.

-Well--
-♪cheerful music♪

♪upbeat rock music♪

♪Rocks♪

♪Rock♪

♪Rocks♪

♪Ro--♪

♪Rocks♪

♪Rocks♪

♪Rock♪

♪cheerful music♪

So how much is it worth?

Well, uh, in the
box, the original box,

uh, these dolls usually
can go for around $500--

-Uh-huh.
-400 to 500.

Because of the
disrepair, though--

Uh-huh.

And the-- the, um, poor care
that you've given this doll--

-Uh-huh.
-I would, uh, assume

that it would go for
around 150 to $200.

I'll take 500, Teddy.

Um, again, it
doesn't have the box.

Your dead daddy made
the feet, I thought.

Maybe you don't care
so it doesn't have

that kind of
sentimental value to you.

[high-pitched] Aw, no, no,
don't drop me back in a mold!

I don't wanna go in a mold!

Take-- take it.

If you're so tough,
take-- take it.

650.

-What?
-$650.

You said $500.

-It's worth two--
-That was a minute ago.

We're done negotiating.

Now, he's my boyfriend.

[kisses]

Don't you f-- [bleep] kiss him!

Don't-- do it.

Do it, take it.

Take it.

Take it.

♪cheerful music♪

[VO] Are you a
hot-blooded American?

[fast-forwarded laughter]

The answer is just
around the cor--

Okay, aliens.

I'm gonna drive you into town,
where maybe you can get jobs

as mechanics, 'cause
all of our mechanics

went into the big city.

But I have to warn you,
the sheriff of the town?

He doesn't like
blonde people because

a Swedish person
murdered his best friend.

Oh no, how bad!

Not murder!

But, surely he can't think
that all Swedish people

with blonde
hair are bad.

Don't people with brown hair
kill people all the time?

Why aren't they banned?

That's a good question.

That's a good question
that we should explore.

[woman] Is that a smoke?

What's that smoke?

Oh no!

The car's breakin' down.

-Aw, God.
-Oh no!

What's that smoke?

There's smoke
comin' out of the hood.

What's goin' on with this car?

Look!

An Earth mechanic shop!

♪country guitar♪

-Hey, sir.
-Hey.

Could we get some
greasy oil for this car?

What seems to be the problem?

I fixed your car.

All right, what's
goin' on here?

Do y'all have a
work permit to work?

Sheriff Cocker, wait.

These girls immigrated
from outer space.

They can all do the jobs regular
Americans don't wanna do

or can't do.

Wait a second.

Are you all sexy illegal
Swedish aliens from space?

Huh!

That's it.

Everyone's goin' to jail!

♪country guitar♪

We need the key, which...

we don't have a key.

Fara, you're forgetting.

Our mouths can shape a
key out of any long...

hard...

object.

That's a power we have.

And we just need
a long, hard object

to make a key with
with our mouths.

Oh...gross, girls...

I-- [sighs] I'm a married
man who loves my wife.

I've loved her since
the moment I saw her

at our high school dance.

She was wearing a
beautiful summer dress

and she had flowers on it.

And she smelled
like plums and...

sometimes in life, things
change and y-- [sighs]

you can't always be attracted to
the partner that you are with.

We did it.

Let's get outta here.

♪triumphant music♪

But I love me some KC
and the Sunshine Band.

I know Natalie
'cause, uh, she work--

uh, I work at the video
store and she comes by and...

uh, [laughs] rents some
videos, so that how I, uh...

So, uh...

what's up?

Well-- well...

[laughs]

Um, today is a very
interesting day.

Um, Venus is making its inferior
conjunction with Planet Earth.

Oh, uh, really?

Is this Natalie?

The Natalie?

Uh, my mom, uh, just
takes random pictures

of people in my show

-so don't pay attention.
-Well, she's not random, honey.

[man] Grace, you're
embarrassing our little girl.

Hey, why don't I,
uh, play a song?

I mean, your
parents are obviously

-making you uncomfortable.
-Okay, she's gonna play a song.

♪"Generation Why" by Weyes
Blood♪

♪Goin' to see the end of days♪

♪I've been hangin'
on my phone all day♪

♪When the fear goes away♪

♪I might not need to stay♪

♪On this sinking ship♪

♪For long♪

♪I can give it
away everyday♪

♪I can fly♪

♪And spend all my seconds♪

♪Like they're my last♪

♪It's not the past♪

♪That scares me♪

♪Now, what a great
future this is gonna be♪

♪Y-O-L-O♪

♪Why?♪

♪Y-O-L-O♪

♪Why?♪

♪Used to think it was bad♪

♪That we were
all going mad♪

♪But now it's
time to leave♪

♪Goodbye those old things♪

♪Carry me through
the waves of change♪

♪Carry me through
the waves of change♪

♪I know my place♪

♪It's a beautiful thing♪

♪Now♪

♪♪♪

♪Y-O--♪

[Ralph] Shoot,
shoot, shoot, shoot!

No, no, no!

[whispering] Aw, crap!

♪slow jazzy music♪

-...for the camera?
-I just did it!

It's over!

-The moment's gone.
-Aw, man.

[laughs]

But we should go soon.

Uh, are you coming with us?

[man] No.

I'm going to the movies.

All right.

-You ready?
-Mm-hm.

'Kay.

[crickets chirping]

You getting some good stuff?

-Uh-huh.
-Mm-hm.

Gimme that thing.

-Huh?
-The camera.

[grunts]

♪chords on keyboard♪

[knocking]

-Ralphie!
-Y- yeah?

[man] Sounds great, buddy.

-Thank you.
-You've been practicin'.

Uh, just-- just a song I made.

[woman] You made it up?

-Yeah.
-Cool.

Well, we're gonna go.

-Okay.
-Okay?

[man] Keep workin' on it, bud.

-I will.
-You all right?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-We'll see ya later.
-Bye.

♪slow jazzy music♪

Okay, so if you
find this video,

-we're--
-We are probably dead.

-Yes.
-We're going to

-a sorority house--
-That's haunted!

Probably haunted.

But I just hope we don't die.

[distoring] Yeah, like I
said, if you're watching this,

we're dead.

[footsteps and rustling]

This day has been the most--

[door creaks]

[Ralph] [whispering] Spooky.

[Josh] This is so creepy.

[muttering] No, no, no, no, no.

[Josh] [stifled sneeze]

[Ralph] [whispering] Bless you.

Ugh, I don't like it here.

This room is creepy.

[Josh] Yeah.

[Ralph] Hey, tell the--
tell the people where we are.

[Josh] Looks like...

Beta Z.

[Ralph] [groans]

This is the piano that that
girl played in the talent show,

right before they
burned that other one

to the stake on the lawn.

That's why this
house looks so burnt.

Like, how creepy would it be

if you were
sleeping in your bed,

in the middle of the night,

and you heard this...

♪plinks on piano♪

It's creepy, right?

-Yeh, let's-- let's--
-♪♪♪

[Ralph] Dude, stop!

You're creeping me out.

♪plinks on piano♪

What was that?

[screaming]

[panting]

[screaming]

[panting]

-[whispering] Oh, my God.
-Ralph, where are you?!

[Ralph] I'm right here!

-[panting]
-Ralph, this way!

-[panting]
-Ralph, run!

[panting]

[Josh, distorted]
[echoing] Ralph!

♪eerie music♪

[Josh, muffled] Ralph!

♪♪♪

[Josh] What are you doing?!

Come on!

-Let's go!
-No!

-Ralph!
-I think...

I have to plug it in.

[static]

[wooshing]

[unintelligible
distorted speech]

[Ralph] What's that music?

-What is this place?
-A friend of your wife's.

What was her name, Claire--

Shut up!

She's gonna see this!

David...

[Ralph] Dad?

-Excuse me?
-What are you doing here?

It's my wedding.

I gotta go.

[sounds blending
and distorting]

[Ralph] Lou?

Are you a hot-blooded American?

Do you like [distorted]
bloody-hot meats?

[Ralph] No, I'm-- I'm good.

-Hey, Ralph.
-Hey, Ralph.

Sonny!

Sonny, over here!

-Are you lost?
-What?

Who are you with, huh?

Who are you with?

[voice distorting] Are
you with us or against us?

-Just 'cause [inaudible]--
-Rita?

-Hi, Ralph.
-What's going on?

What's up?

I got wood delivery.

[Ralph] Mom!

-Dad!
-Every time we go out,

-you have a problem!
-Hey!

Are you a hot-blooded American?

Do you like bloody-hot meats?

-[laughs]
-Mom!

What about the human spirit?

And we have some breaking news.

[voice distorting] We are
living in a simulation.

Let's go live.

Thank you all for coming.

I've been asked to
speak at many weddings,

probably more times than
I've been married myself.

[laughter]

[clears throat]
[inaudible], you know me.

[laughs] [hacks]

[hacks] [gurgles]

God!

I-- I've been poisoned!

You!

Joan!

You have betrayed me!

Welcome back to
Poisoning with Joan.

She's a witch!

[laughs] [shouting]

Run!

Run!

♪slow country music♪

-[panting]
-Ralphie?

Did you hear that?

[Ralph] Let's go check it out.

[Josh] Don't go, don't go.

[Ralph] Why?

♪♪♪

-Mom?
-Hey, Ralphie.

You know you're recording
over our wedding tape.

Did you know he was late?

How can you be late
for your own wedding?

If anyone's gonna be
late, it should be me.

It was a disaster anyway.

Your uncle punched your
grandfather in the face,

and my best friend
had an allergic reaction

and almost died.

And your dad didn't
help with any of it.

[Ralph] Why'd you marry him?

That's a personal question.

[Ralph] It's just...

maybe you'll forget
or never tell me.

And...

I would like to know
while we have a fresh start.

♪♪♪

[woman] Before your father
got there, I remember...

I walked outside of the church

and there was this
beautiful orange tree.

And I remember there
was a breeze and...

the smell was amazing.

And in that moment, I
forgot about everything.

I didn't care that
your dad was late

or that my shoes were too tight

or that my sister
was already drunk.

All I wanted was for him to
be there to share it with me.

♪♪♪

He would've made it better.

And that's what I
remember from my wedding.

It's the only
important part of that day.

Not the tape.

This video, this recording...

it's just a smudge
on magnetic strip.

[voice distorting]
Go home, Ralph.

[static]

[Josh] Run, run, run!

[screaming]

I think we're onto something.

♪"Flamingo" by Fruit Bats♪

♪The place where I was
born is a vague memory♪

♪Like the flakes in the
snow of a broke-down TV♪

♪It could be in the big city
or in a beautiful dell♪

♪♪♪

♪With a red corn silo
or a broken church bell♪

♪♪♪

♪Here we go again♪

♪♪♪

♪Well, the girls would all
be pretty♪

♪And the men quiet
and strong♪

♪♪♪

♪And the autumn is beautiful♪

♪And the summer
not too long♪

♪♪♪

♪Rains of May would
come a-pourin' ♪

♪Like the
Genesis flood♪

♪♪♪

♪Left the old pink flamingo
face down in the mud♪

♪♪♪

♪Here we go again♪

♪♪♪

♪Well, the last thing I'll
do before I call it quits♪

♪Is probably dream
just a little bit♪

♪But nothin' too hard on
my sweet fadin' mind♪

♪'Cause everything,
everything's♪

♪Gonna be
just fine♪

♪But everything,
everything's♪

♪Gonna be just fine♪

♪Everything, everything's
gonna be just fine♪

♪And everything, everything's
gonna be just fine♪

♪Everything, everything's
gonna be just fine♪

♪♪♪

♪Whoo♪

♪♪♪

So, I'm guess this is
the end of our movie

-and it was too intense--
-Pretty crazy, intense,

-scary.
-Scary.

We can't do this anymore.

I mean, just...

What do you wanna do?

I don't know, play music?

Sure, let's go.

♪"Babyyy" by Grace Ives♪

♪You were deep in the dark♪
♪I'm a shape in the dark♪

♪Pining for you♪

♪I talk a lot♪
♪Never stay in one spot♪

♪You know I'm
rooting for you♪

♪Mm-hm playing
that song about you♪

♪They keep playing
that song about you♪

♪♪♪

♪I have been dancing♪
♪You are romancing♪

♪I caught a glance and♪
♪Found you in a trance and♪

♪Thought this wouldn't phase me♪
♪Now you call her baby♪

♪I'm scared you don't see me♪
♪Now I just feel crazy♪

♪Think that I'll go home♪

♪♪♪

♪Dancin'♪
♪You are romancin'♪

♪I caught a glance and♪
♪Found you in a trance and♪

♪Thought this wouldn't phase me♪
♪You call her baby♪

♪I'm scared you don't see me♪
♪Now I just feel crazy♪

It's a...

hot winter?