V/H/S/99 (2022) - full transcript

Gentlemen, when I look
at this battlefield,

I see some of the bravest men
ever to wear a uniform.

Is that you, Johnson?

You're a real
lazy piece of shit.

Johnson, wake up!

Sorry, sir.
Just guarding the tank.

You were sleeping.
I heard you.

But it's just
so comfortable up here.

I, huh...

Goddammit.

And you there, stop posing.



- Sorry, sir.
- Sorry, sir.

Fucking showboats.

Excuse me, dear capitan.

What do you want?

Can I get some cigarettes?

- No.
- How about a rifle?

You're a prisoner of war.

That doesn't mean
we can still be friends.

- It does actually.
- Does it really?

I've never heard that.
How about a bugle?

We already have a guy
who plays the bugle.

I can for sure
play better than him.

It's true. I suck.

I'm not giving you a bugle.



If I had it my way I would kill
all Germans in this place.

But you already killed
all the Germans in this place.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat,
so do not test me.

Ouch. It's pretty mean
to threaten someone

with a war crime, my friend.

We aren't fri...

Sir, I see something over there.

What is it was?
Where's Johnson?

Yeehaw.

Johnson, you yahoo!
Everybody run!

This is the "Video Journal
of Neurosurgery" with...

Guys, I told you
the list is endless.

So, why wait?

Call this toll-free number
and order now.

Please stop.

Oh, wait.

So good.

Come on.

Hey!

Man, I'm getting crazy.

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm out of my fucking mind.

Ahh!

Fuck it up!

Shh.
Hey. What's up, bud.

Get out of here! Stop!

Hey, make sure you wipe.

♪ Writing this down ♪

♪ 'Cause she knows
I'll never leave her ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't live
without her ♪

Take it, take it down.

You want some of that?

This is my dick.

That's right, it's big.

Now, don't be a pussy.

Oh, shit. Are you hurt?

♪ I don't think you
ever made a big mistake ♪

♪ Cause I don't want
to get you off my back ♪

♪ No wonder we hate
the same things ♪

♪ I hate everyone else ♪

Let's fuck it up!

♪ I don't think you
ever made a big mistake ♪

Welcome, everyone,
to party of...

- Let's fuck shit up!
- Let's fuck shit up!

These are yours.

That's the closest you'll be

to any pussy everything.

- Oh!
- Shut the fuck up.

I get pussy.

- Oh you get what...
- I get pussy.

- Yeah.
- Who's pussy?

Dick.

Let me get a shot of this
fine piece of meat right here.

Look at this.
- It looks good on you.

Why do you look hotter
than Rachel?

- Who wore it better?
- That's what I'm saying.

Poor Rachel.

Don't even make that comparison.

I'm fine as fuck, dude.

Listen, this is a very
special episode,

because tonight,
R.A.C.K is going on a mission.

We're breaking into the Colony!

Don't use that word, dumb-ass.
What is wrong with you?

We're visiting the Colony.

The infamous Colony Underground.

Why do you got to keep
acting so fruity lately?

What's it you, Mohammed?

Any who, for those
of you born yesterday,

The Colony Underground
was this really wicked...

It was an art collective.

"It was an arts art collective?"

So, this art collective had
like hell a shows all the time.

It was all ages,
and some pretty big bands

would come from the city,
like the KGB,

Eddie Cash and the Star Fuckers,
Valentine Fox,

mostly pumping hardcore stuff.
- Yeah.

We totally would
have played there.

- Yeah.
- For sure.

- For real.
- We would have if it weren't

for the freak electrical fire

that broke out
three years ago to the day.

- Wait, seriously?
- Yeah, March 6, 1996.

It's March 5th.

Can you let him talk? God!

Three years ago, a freak
electrical fire

barbecued the inside
of The Colony Underground

and claimed four innocent lives.

The lives of the very band
that headlined that night.

Legend has it their bodies
only burned

after being trampled to death
by their own fans.

Fans so desperate to escape
the towering flames

they crushed their heroes under
foot without a second thought.

Dude, keep going.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah look
how freaked out Ankur looks.

Shut up, I'm fine.

Oh, your left pocket.

Is Ankur a little bitch?
Let's see, let's see.

Yo, it is turning!
It is turning.

Swear to God, look, look, look!

Okay, okay, okay.

So, that band was Bitch Cat.

You can cut in stuff from
the tape you have right there?

- Yeah.
- That'd be a cool transition.

What tape?

Oh, dude it's so sick.

At church.
Can't you tell?

♪ You want it your way ♪

♪ Well, why don't you stay so? ♪

♪ Ah, keep stuffing your face ♪

♪ Eat cake as you... ♪

Well, we weren't made
by a corporation.

We grew our sound
and our following grassroots.

♪ What is it gonna take? ♪

♪ I guess I've seen it all ♪

♪ I know I've seen
too much, oh ♪

♪ My God, what could it take? ♪

We got in Dierdre's van,
and basically just played

anywhere that'd take us.

We're road warriors, man.
- Yeah.

♪ Don't care about
your angels ♪

♪ Get off my back, boy ♪

We don't even feel
like we relate to LA anymore.

Like, that stage is our home.

Yeah and the fans
our family, for sure.

Our shows are
these huge parties.

Everyone belongs.
Everybody has a killer time.

♪ Too bad 'cause I say so ♪

Sure.

I mean, what's the party without
a little bit of violence?

♪ We came out to play ♪

♪ Get off of my stage, bro ♪

♪ Get off my fucking stage ♪

♪ My God, what could it be? ♪

I think America got, like,
a rage revolution on the way.

Everyone's just so mad.

♪ Let's go, let's go ♪

Everybody's daddy got too rich.

Yeah, so give us
all your fucking money, daddy.

Give us your money!

♪ Bad boy, you already know ♪

♪ I'm no angel ♪

♪ Diamonds turns black ♪

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die!

Oh, my God, look he's fucked up.

Hey! Hurry! Come on, come on.

Yo, wait, wait.

Tell everyone about
the mission today.

R.A.C.K is going to
The Colony Underground

to play a show on whatever
is left at that stage.

And we're going to suck though
because we've been rehearsing,

what, two months?

Yeah, show out to your
Nazi dictator dad.

I hope that's...
- Oh my God, whatever.

No, wait come on.
Like, what else though?

What else?
- I don't know.

We're going to get the gear,
if there's any that works.

Yeah, but why'd you make
a stop here? Your house?

- Come on, K.
- Hey, no.

I just think inquiring
minds want to know

if you're really just scared
little pussy bitch.

That's all I want to know!
Come on!

Hey, I'm sorry. I meant to say
a little scaredy baby

who thinks he's going
to meet some ghosts.

Yo, Rachel, get the camera.
Get the fucking camera, Rachel.

Why's Ankur being
a little bitch right now?

Stop.

Do you want your mommy
because you don't come home.

Get off me!

Oh, no! The lady ghosts
are going to eat me.

Dude, I can't believe
we're here right now.

Come on, it's going to be fun.
Come on, let's just go.

Rach, those chicks
seem kind nice.

I just don't think we should
fuck with their grave site.

But, like, you have to say why.

Come on, it'll make
a better video.

I think it's cool.

Okay, fine.

So, you know these
stories, okay?

Hindu stories about bhuts.

- Bhuts?
- Yeah, dead people.

Restless spirits with unfinished
business, and supposedly

if you bother them
they'll like, they just like...

They'll what?

They'll fucking
possess you, okay?

- Yes!
- We're in.

So, that's why you went home
and got a baggie of spices?

They're like ghost
killing spices.

Dude, just stop, I don't want...

Relax, spice boy.

Get off my dick, motherfucker.

Wow, calm your
fucking tits, dude.

Yo, hey, wait up.

Welcome to what's left
of The Colony Underground.

Like, literally so
far underground.

Yeah, like six feet under.

It's insane the whole audience

actually got out of here alive.

Yeah, well, they sacrifice
the band to do it.

Imagine dying in a stampede.

Herd mentality, dude.
Sheep.

Still smells like
a fire in here.

Crispy bodies.

Whoa.

What?

Rach, I don't...

Dude, come on. just go.
Come on. Hurry up.

Boo!

This place is a total maze.

So many hallways.

We've been down here
for 10 minutes.

I have no idea
how to get back out.

Chill. I know the way.

What is this?

The hell if I know.

I think somebody
lives down here.

Look, look. Come here.

Look at this here.

Why would anybody
want to live here?

Well, I mean, for a
homeless guy, it's not that bad.

- Yeah, I bet.
- Look at all the...

I bet we're not alone.

Dude, seriously.
It's just us here.

I know it is.
- That's some crackhead,

heroin-licking
homeless guy here.

Can you please stop?

Sorry.

What are you doing? Stop.
Don't go in there.

- Come on.
- Whooo.

Dude, seriously?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

You're joking.

- Not really.
- Yeah, fuck that.

Anyway, look,
somebody made a shrine.

- What'd you guys find?
- Whoa.

No way.

Yo, Kaleb stop that.

Yo, that's not cool.

Stop, dude.

Whatever, bro.

Rachel, come here, come here.
You see this?

Eww. Is... is that a boot?

Melted into the floor.

These belong to one
of the band chicks, you think?

Yeah, my money's
on the base player.

She wore boots like that.

I'm pretty sure
they all wear boots.

Stop saying that word.

What? Boots?

Yo, Rach, come here,
you got to get this.

- What?
- Shit, no way.

No fucking way.
Yo, Rachel, come here.

- What? What is it?
- Okay, you remember

Amanda Pears, right?
- Yeah.

You cannot tell me I could
squeeze her

fat ass through here.

- Dude, there's no way.
- There's no way!

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, no one like ripped off
after asking.

That's why she can't a job
anymore except the gas station

because she walks too funny.

Ah-ha-ha.

Fuck! It felt like
someone pulled me.

Yeah, you fucking tripped, dude.

Guys, come quick!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yo, did you guys do this?

No fucking way.

Rachel, look at this.

- Did you do this?
- No.

Hey, Ankur.

Surprise, bitch!

You guys fucking suck.

Do you seriously think
some ghost set up your kit?

No. Did you, like, steal this
out of my house?

Yeah, I fucking did.
What are you do about it?

You going to cry about it?
- You guys are fucking unreal.

Big cry baby.

Alright, everyone try
not to suck, okay?

- Oh, for sure.
- You're the boss.

- Let's just go.
- Thanks.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight!

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's go!

Guys?

Guys, what the fuck?

Guys, seriously?

Dude, cut it out.

You guys think your having
so much fun right now.

If this is a joke, I'm going
to fucking kill you all.

Yes, let's go.

He's so predictable.

No, we like really got you
with the whole...

It's been like
three times already.

I know. Hey.

Tell the people what you're...

How your feeling right now?

Mr. Ankur,
tell them right here.

What?

Dude, you have to admit
we got you so good.

Yo, it was fucking fun, man.
Seriously.

Yo, like, we're just
fucking around.

- Look, it was my idea.
- Come on.

- I'm sorry.
- Yikes.

Why can't you learn how to
take a fucking joke, spice boy?

- Oh, what?
- Ankur.

What are you doing
right now, bro?

What the fuck?
What are you doing?

Don't be such a bitch
about this, Ankur! Come back!

I hope the bhuta get all of you!

- Ankur, come on.
- Damn. What?

What the fuck
is he talking about?

So, are we still going do
the jello thing?

Four Bitch Cats.
Four sex dolls.

Welcome back, sickos.

We've come to
The Colony Understand

to find a very scientific answer
to the age-old question.

Just how hard is it to crush
four chicks to death?

Let's find out.

You guys ready?

Die, bitch!

Oh!

Oh, fuck.

Are we having problems here?

Die, bitch!

Fuck you!
Fuck you!

Did you hear that?

Yeah, it must be a car outside.

Close the road, dude.

Jesus!

Ankur, is that you?

Get off my fucking stage!

What the fuck?!

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die!

Shit. Oh, shit, oh, fuck!

Please help! Help!

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, shit!

May you peacefully go
to your final resting place?!

Psycho, man. I'm crazy.

Please help me!

Please!

Please, anybody!

Please!

Cut it out!

Help me!

Anybody there?!

Stop it!

Stay away from me!

Let me out! Let me out!

No!

No!

Stop it!

You can feel it
in the shows now.

Everyone's just so mad.

What's a party without
a little bit of violence?

Let's fuck shit up!

Quack, quack.

Hmm.

There you are.

Hello.

Hey. Um, I just...

Okay.

Hi.

I just had to record this video

after going to Beta Sigma Eta
today and meeting all the girls.

No, that's bad.

That's bad. Okay.

Okay.

I just want you to know that
from the moment

that I walked
into Beta Sigma Eta

I knew that it was my home.

I want you girls
to be my friends for life,

and I'm not going to apply
to any more sororities.

I knew from the moment
that I met you

that we will
become soul sisters.

- A suicide bid?
- Helen?

I thought you were
studying at the library.

You're only putting one
sorority on your application.

A suicide bid.
- Yeah, I know what

a suicide bid is, Helen.

I'm not stupid.

So, what?

Well, so, if they say no,

you will be excluded
from the whole sorority process.

And that means spending
your entire freshman year

as an outcast.

You really want to take
that risk with those girls?

What do you mean, those girls?

I mean, you saw the way
they looked at us

when they showed us around?

You mean you really think
they'll say yes

to people like us?

No, not us.

Do you have a cigarette?

I can't do this.

Jesus Christ, Annie.

You're going to bring
security over here.

What took you guys so long?

Don't get your panties
in a twist.

We had to get some supplies.
- Oh, my God.

Turns out Lily here
really likes to party.

Oh, we are going to party.

You guys, you got it?

You got the keys?

My dad will kill me
if he finds out.

Yeah, but do you have the keys?

You know I do.

Come on, let's go!

Come on, it's time.

Hey, Lindsay.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh my God.

We're going to have a fun night.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Tote college.

Isn't she the cutest?

Welcome!

Oh, my gosh,
this place is incredible.

Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, man, we loved your message.

It was so heartfelt.

Wasn't it girls?

- So cute.
- Adorable.

We were so flattered
that you would suicide bid

just to join our sorority.

Yeah, friends forever.

Yes, soul sisters.

- Soul sisters!
- Soul sisters!

So, what are we doing here?

Have you ever heard of
The Legend of Guiltine?

Guiltine, was a pretty young
freshman who went here to TCU

maybe 20 years ago.

She wanted to join a sorority,
our sorority just like you.

And she was desperate
and alone, just like you.

And the girls took her back
here and into the graveyard.

And they told her that in order
to be a part of their sorority,

she had to spend the night
buried in a coffin.

Only they didn't just
leave her there for a night.

They left her there
for an entire week.

And when they
finally dug her up...

There was no one in it.

What happened to her?

No one knows.

Some say she just crawled right
through into the underworld.

And if you listen closely,

sometimes you can hear
a knocking sound.

It's Guiltine,
desperate and alone.

Looking for someone awake
who she can take back

into the underworld
to play with.

Drink up!

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

We have something for you.

Surprise, bitch.

No way!

We want you to join our family.
Right, girls?

We just need you
to do one thing first.

Thank you. Okay.

One tiny thing.

We need you to spend
the night in a coffin.

Just like Guiltine.

Come on!

You're going to have fun,
I promise.

Okay.

You're going to be
scared shit less.

Oh.

Um, Annie, I don't know
if I'm actually want to do this.

Oh, come on, Lily.

We all had to do it.

You... you all did this?

Sure.

It really isn't that bad.

I promise.
- Okay.

There's enough air in a coffin
to last you 24 hours.

The faster you breathe,
the faster you use up

your air so you can't panic.

You can pull this cord at any
time, and it'll ring the bell.

And we'll come and dig you up.

But if you do, you'll have
forfeited your place

in our sorority.

Here you go.

We want to see
how scared you get.

And so, you can see down there.

Just be brave.

It really isn't that bad.

Annie probably won't let you
stay on there all night.

Take this.

Only open it
when you're most scared

and about to pull the cord.

It'll give you strength.
I promise you.

Thank you.

Watch out for Guiltine.

If you hear her knock,
whatever you do,

don't let her know
you're down there.

If you let her know
you're alive,

she will take you back to the
world of the dead to play with.

She's just fucking with you.

B-S-E, B-S-E, B-S-E,
B-S-E!

Good luck down there.
Don't get too scared.

Oh, it's nice and cozy.

Any last words?

Alright.

Lily! Lily! Lily!
Lily! Lily!

Lily! Lily!
Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

Whoo!

Oh, earth, earth.

Oh, moist earth.

You took away my father
and my dear mother.

You took away my father
and my dear mother,

then take me also
for I am very lonely.

Nighty-night.

It's okay.

It's okay, just don't panic.

Don't panic.

[Exhales sharply It's okay.

It's all just for show.

They're not going to
leave you down here.

Come on, you knew
they were going to do this.

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

Oh, Helen, if you
could see me now.

What did you do this weekend?

Library? Oh, that's cool.
Me?

Oh, you know, the usual,
just buried alive in a coffin.

No, that's what you want,
isn't it?

You want me to fail
so I can end up like you.

Sad and alone every Friday night
wishing a boy,

any boy would ask you out.

But I'm not like you.

I'm like them.

It's okay.

It's all going to be okay.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

She's probably so scared.

The box, the box.

What the fuck?

Aw, poor baby.

Poor Lily.

Let me out! Let me out!
Let me out!

Oh, my God.

She's definitely shit herself.

- Let me out!
- Let me out!

Let me out!

Get the bell.

If they find out we're doing
a hazing prank,

we'll all get expelled.

Fuck!
My dad will kill me!

No one's getting expelled.

We'll hide
and we'll come back later.

But what about Lily?

I said we'll come back later.

Let's go.

Hey, dispatch for 1061
at the cemetery,

do respond with an update.

Fuck this.

Let's get back inside
before we catch pneumonia.

Help!

I need help!

Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!
Please!

Please, somebody!

Helen, if you ever see this,

I just want you to know
that I'm really sorry.

I was such an idiot.

You're my best friend.

You're my only true friend.

I don't know why I thought
I could fit in with those girls.

I don't know why
I even I wanted to.

Oh, my God.

No! No!

No! No! Let me out!

Let me out!

No! Help me!

Let me out!

Oh, my God!

No! No! No!

Please! No!

Please help me!

Please help!

No!

Help!

Oh, my God!

Annie?

Annie, let me out!
Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Oh, my God!

I'm going to be fucking sick.

Are you fucking
filming right now?

We have to get her.

It's too late.

Imogen, no.

It's empty.

What are you talking about?

The coffin is empty.

Lily isn't inside.

That's not possible.

- What if Guiltine took her?
- Don't be stupid.

Guiltine's just a story.

We were never here, okay?

We never speak of this again.

Understand?

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello, Annie.

I made a deal with Guiltine
that if she let me go,

I'd give her as many sisters
as she could possibly want.

Her own sorority...

soul sisters.

Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Let... me... out!

Oh, my God!
Anderson, are you alive?

Tell it to me straight, Sarge.
Am I going to die?

Uh, no, no.

You're... going to be fine.

My legs.
I can't feel my legs.

Why can I feel my legs?

Y-You're in shock.
Everything will be alright.

It's all getting dark.

So, so dark.

Ah, dammit, he's dead.

I really thought
he was going to make it.

Alright, no one else get bitten
in half by the rat monster.

♪ Oi ♪

♪ Yeah, boy ♪

Welcome, welcome.
Welcome to "Ozzy's Dungeon,"

where boys and girls
battle toe-to-toe

for the opportunity to have
their favorite wish granted.

That's right, folks.

Anything your heart
desires can be yours

if you make it through
the obstacle course

and into Ozzy's Dungeon.

Let's kick things off
with our first challenge!

Are you ready?
Okay.

And...

Pop those balloons!

Oh, there we go.

What do you wish for?

I want to be the most famous
and best basketball player

ever in the world.

You don't want to get
dunked on, fool.

He's going to be alright, folks.

That's what makes
Ozzy Dungeon, dungeon-y.

Here we go with our first aid
team always on standby

to take care of the boys

and girls
who might just trip and fall.

They'll be...

They'll be okay eventually.

Oh.

I think my tum-tum is
trying to tell me something.

Anybody else hungry out there?

- Me!
- Me!

Alrighty then!

Who hasn't seen that movie?

Now, our first team
to successfully catch

one of these delicious,

beautiful turkey tonkas
in their pie hole

will go on to the next round.

Let's get started.

Ready, and...

Catch that meat!

Close, Blue team.

Oh, Yellow team,
we're going to have to open

that pie hole a little more.

Oh, there we go.

Let's go.
Let's get that mouth open.

Oh, and we have
ourselves a winner.

Drop it. Drop it!

Good girl. Tell us your name
and where you're from.

Donna, and I'm
from Detroit, Michigan.

Oh, Donna from the Big D.

Well, you traveled quite some
way to get here, didn't you?

Mm-hmm.
We drove all the way down.

- You drove?
- Mm-hmm.

In a car?

What? You're couldn't
to afford to fly?

- We're actually doing...
- Alright.

So, now you know how hard the
next challenge is, don't you?

Hmm?
Now, not many people make it.

In fact, nobody has, Donna.

But I got a feeling.

Oh, yeah, I got a feeling.

And that feeling
starts down in my feet.

And it goes higher and higher,
and it rises higher and higher.

Does anybody else have that?

Oh, yes.

Oh, can you feel it Donna?

Now tell me.

What makes you think
you are better

than all the boys
and girls that came before you?

Well, my family says
that I can do anything

I put my mind to.

I know I can.

Right. Sure.

We'll see about that.

I like this one.

Okay, well, Donna,

let's just say that fate
does smile upon you

and by some absurd miracle
you make it all the way...

What are you going to wish for?

I'm going to wish for...

Any hidden talents out there
I should know about?

And welcome back
to "Ozzy's Dungeon."

I'm here with the two
remaining contestants.

We have Donna from the big D,
Detroit, Michigan,

and Timmy
from the City of Angels,

Los Angeles, California.

Okay, so who's ready
for the final challenge?

Okay, kids,
we are going to start

by making our way
through Ozzy's orifices

and make our way back to find

a hidden flag
in the cracked rock.

Then up the ladder we go
and through the mouth hole

and down the throat ended in
this yucky, mucky mix stomach.

And then through
the green jello,

we're going to search
and we're going to find

ourselves a red flag.

And with that red flag,

we're going to crawl
on our hands

and knees through
the large intestine

and then out through
the poop chute escape route.

Eww!

Now, if you beat the clock,

and you get me that red flag
before the time runs out,

you will be the first contestant

to ever to make it
to the dungeon,

meet Ozzy and have that
favorite wish...

granted.

Yay!

Okay, now before anything,
let us have one minute

on the clock, please.

Wait, kids, wait.
Wait for my go.

On your marks...

get set...

Go!
Through the orifices.

And they're off
through the... Oh!

Timmy, what a horrible
start to the game.

Let's go.
That's a terrible start.

Now go catch or get that flag.
Let's get going.

Oh, Donna's already
gotten that red flag

and has made
her way up the ladder.

Let's go, baby!

And here she comes
down the throat.

Alright, let's dig around
for that red flag.

Oh, Timmy's closing the gap.

Oh, adventurous.
Very good, Timmy.

You actually made it.

Alright folks, we don't want
to get the suit messy.

Did we find...
Oh, God, you got the flag.

Into the intestine you go.

Timmy is not very good at all.

One of these... There he goes.

Oh, Timmy almost stood
up there for a second.

Okay, let's see
who's going to make it

outside of this nice big,
long pink hole first.

Who is going to make it
out of the long

and winding intestine first?

Oh, there she is.

It's Donna coming out...

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

No! No, Donna!

Donna! No, let me go!

I'mma get Timmy!
You can't do this!

Oh, Jesus.

We might need a band-aid.

Oh, for sakes.
Don't get that on my shoes.

Don't get that.
There you go.

You're out, keep going.
Let's go, Donna.

Stop the game, please.

Please stop the game!

- Wait, you mother!
- Please stop the game!

Onna coming up.

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

Donna coming up.

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

Donna coming up.

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

No, Donna!

Donna!

Take that shit off.

Yes, mom.

Do you know where you're at?

Huh?

Hmm?

Does none of this look
familiar to you?

This is my set.

It's a damn good replica, huh?

Oh, come on.

You're going to hurt
Marcus' feelings.

He worked real hard on this.
- Marcus?

- Didn't you, baby?
- I don't know a Marcus.

Yeah.

Okay, how about Donna,
my daughter?

- Who?
- From Detroit?

I don't know a Donna
from Detroit.

We got a lot of kids on the set.

How many were made to?

Ah!

You signed waiver.
You signed a waiver.

Everyone... everyone
signs a waiver.

Baby?

Baby?
Come on, honey.

Who gives a fuck about
a goddamn waiver, nigga?

Honey, honey,
your blood pressure.

- Mama?
- I just...

I think I just need
to this shirt off.

You fuck.

Just...

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

That's better.

You know what
it looked like to me?

Is that you motherfuckers
created an impossible ass

obstacle course
that mangled up a little star.

She was going to be the one.

She's going to be
the one to get out.

It's okay.

But look at that leg!

Show him that mangled shit!

See? See?
- Ah!

Why's it look...?

Don't nobody want to see that
on the big screen.

What does it look like?

- I don't know. It look...
- What it look like? Say it!

- I don't know, it looks...
- It looks like dog meat!

It looks like dog meat, okay?

Fuck you, asshole.

Don't do that, baby.

I'm sorry.

We almost had a winner
before everything was canceled.

Okay, I mean,
the show isn't rigged.

You showbiz, LA motherfuckers
make my goddamn pussy drier

than the Sahary Desert.

- Sahara, honey.
- Shut the fuck up.

Oh, fuck.

Let's just...

Just say it's not rigged.
- No.

Would you can't prove
that theory?

- What?
- Huh?!

What? What are
you fucking talking about?

Fred, get me the jug.

W-Which one?

The one that's not water.

You can't do this, honey.

I won't say it again.

The fuck is in that?
Huh?

What the fuck is in that?

Didn't I tell you
I'd get your dream cast

if you did
what I told you to do?

- Yeah.
- The fuck?

My people know I'm here.

They're going to come for me,
you know, right?

They'll come for me.
The fuck is that?

Ah! Fuck!

- Honey!
- Keep that shit away from me.

Get him up.

Look if we gave every kid
their wish, we'd be fucked.

You know we're on a budget.

Ah!

Oh, what's the matter?
Huh?

Are you worried about that
pretty face of yours bubbling up

and melting off on my floor?

- Just...
- Huh?

Smell that!

Ooh.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

The fuck you doing?

This is the first challenge.

No, No.
No, I need helmet!

Three, two, one!
No, untie me!

Until me!
- Charge!

Oh! Oh, fuck!

Are you ready
for our next challenge?

Huh?

Are you hungry?

'Cause it's lunchtime!

Alright.
- What the fuck?

Three, two, one!

Catch that meat!

No! No! No!

- Ooh!
- No!

Come on, girl.

There you go.
- No!

Catch it!
Come on, puppy, catch it!

I can't really catch it.

- Catch it.
- I'm trying!

- Catch it!
- I'm trying!

Come on, girl.
Let me show you how you do this.

I can't catch it.

You got to go
right up here and then...

Just get it all up
in his pie hole.

Ah, that's right, puppy.

Taste good?

Oh, shit.

Ah.

Brandon, get that damn camera
off the floor.

Okay, Mr. game shows host.

Now when I say, you're going
to jump through these orifices.

Go up to the ladder,
climbing through the mouth,

down the slide through
the stomach into this pool here.

Mm-mm-mmm.

Oh, my God.

Then you're going
to find a flag.

When you find that flag,

you're going to come out
this way,

go through the guts,
make your way through

all their slip and slide
until you get to the exit.

You got 60 seconds.

What's all the brown stuff?

Well, it sure ain't bean dip.

What if I don't finish?

Don't!

- Get set.
- Okay.

Get ready, go!

Come on puppy, come on.

Make that run, make that run,
make that run!

There you go.

Yeah!

I can't. I can't.

You still got more to do!

Down the pooper shooter.

I don't think
I can get through it.

Push on through.

Oh, oh, oh.

Time is running down.

Will he make it?

Through shit city.

Come on down.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I can do it.
I can do it.

I did it!
I did it! I did it!

I won your stupid game.

Just couldn't do it,
could you, son?

I beat the fucking clock.

I beat the fucking clock.

You're a few seconds too late.

So sorry.

Brandon, get him up.

No!

No winners.

No wishes.

Just pain.

- What's this?
- What is this?

What is that thing?
What is this?

What is this?

Wishes.

This is all about wishes, right?
Right?

I can help get her wish granted.
I can help you.

Are you fucking with me
right now?

No, no.

I thought Ozzy was off world,
canceled.

I know where it is.

I know where it is.

Baby, does that thing
do super close ups?

Because I'm going to show you
all how to make a goddamned...

No! No!
I'll take you to it!

I'll take you to it!

I'll take you to it.

What the hell?

Security's gotten
a little... beefy.

Alright, that's okay.
That's alright.

We can't go in this way anymore.

We got to go to the back.

What the fuck you
mean he can't go in this way?

Goddamn it.

[Lights bang, hums]

You remember this, Donna?

Don't talk to him, baby.

It's okay. It's alright.

You leave my girl alone.

You did done enough.

It's okay.

Do you trust this guy, baby?

Hell no,

but this is where we have to be.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

- Go ahead, honey.
- Okay.

Go on, I'll follow you.

Alright, Donna baby.

Mama said she's gonna
get your wish.

I'mma get your wish.

This is an actual cave.

What the fuck do you mean
an actual cave?

I never been
past the door before.

Oh, Goddammit.

We're gonna be alright.

I guarantee I'm meaner than
anything we'll find down here.

We want that new car
and $10... $15 million. Okay?

Don't' promise her
all that stuff.

Shut the fuck up, Vinn.

Yeah, mama, I'm scared.

It's so dark in here.

Do you hear that music, baby?

- Mnh-mnh.
- No?

Wha... What the?

What's that?

Baby?

Wait.

Wait.

What?

Here.

It's fine.

What are you doing?

It's fine.

It knows my aura.

Make it a good wish, kid.

Mom, Dad?
What the fuck is that?

Mom, Dad, what...

- What the fuck?
- No!

- Jesus!
- Mom!

Dad!

What the fuck?!

What the... What the hell she...

Get down, get down.

What the...?

I don't understand.

What the fuck is going on?

Oh!

What did you do, bitch?!
What did you do?!

What the fuck are you doing,
loser?

Hey.
Hey, is that my camera?

Don't tape over my new...

Hey.

Hey.

Oh. Oh, you like that?

Oh, you like these?
Yeah, I thought you would.

Yeah, I'm a big boy.

Oh, you like big boys?
Yeah, I though you did.

Somebody better call the vet,
these pythons are sick.

Did you say something, honey?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't...
Don't come in.

Don't do that in.
I'm studying.

Okay.
What do you want for lunch?

Hot pockets.

God, of course.

Holy shit.

Hey, hey. Hey. Hey! Hey!

Hey, you there. Get...
Is that a camera?

Do not...
I will tell your parents.

No!

Goddammit!

Yo, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

Yo, should we get the cream?

Do it again, do it again.

Oh!

- Holy Shit.
- Boner.

Boner, what happened, bro?
- What happened, buddy?

- Buster.
- Did you just jizz on himself?

Was that streaming, bro?

Whoa, dude,
this is fucking crazy.

- Whoa.
- What the fuck?

Whoa, what is that?

What the... yo.

Ah, dude, that's one
gnarly ass snake, bro.

Anaconda.

Look at that strip, dude.

Oh!

Yo!
- Eww! Shit, bro.

Hey, Boner, for 50 cents,
eat it right now.

I'll eat your fucking mom
for 50 cents, bro.

Yo.

Oh!

I don't believe this kid.

Yo, after this we should hit
the stairs by Blockbuster, yeah?

Nah, dude, RadioShack's
so much better.

No, dude,
I was just there yesterday.

Nah.
You're tripping, bro.

Bro, you know
who they seem like to me?

Oh, shit.

- Fuck.
- Dude.

Bro, you're good?

- I'm okay.
- Oh!

Oh, dude.
That's not right?

- Oh, shit. I-Is this normal?
- No, no.

No, it is not normal.

Dave, it's not real.
There's no way...

Okay, I'm telling you,
it's real.

And you guys need to take
this shit more seriously.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, that'd be crazy.

Okay, you know what?
Just watch.

Come New Years
and all you nonbelievers

are gonna be fucked,
and there's no way in hell

I'm letting you,
either of you into my sick.

Y2K bomb shelter crib.

Oh no. What are we going to do
without...

Boner's bomb shelter, dude.

Open the door.
- Shut up.

Yo, what the fuck
are you writing?

My supplies, okay?

I need to have TP,
condoms, obviously, and then...

- Why?
- What do you mean why?

I think the world ending
is more likely

than you get laid, bro.

100 fucking percent, dude.

- This is the dumbest...
- It's gonna work.

- This is the dumbest...
- It's gonna to work!

You're a fucking idiot.

Bro, it's for sure
going to work.

I saw it on "Candid Camera."

God.

Look, it's practically
invisible.

Hey, guys. Hey.
Hehe.

- Follow me.
- Alright, play it cool, bro.

Is he okay?

Hey, ladies.

What's going on?
How you guys doing?

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you guys' names?

I'm Cassidy, and this is Emma.

Cassidy, Emma, Emma, Cassidy.
Cool.

My name is Breckie,
and my friends call me Brex.

Like music and stuff. Um, I got
a question for you guys.

Um, I'm with some friends
over here,

but we're kind of hungry.

- Is that a camera?
- No.

- Are you serious?
- No, no.

Wow, you are so perverted.
You little creep.

Yeah, you better run, you creep.

I like your dress!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

- So fucking hot.
- Shit.

Go, go.

Oh, my God.
You weren't lying.

Dude, she's out there
every day since she moved in.

How many times
can you clean a car?

I'm telling you, my new top
three in the spank bank,

Sarah Michelle Gellar,
Britney Spears

and this chick over there.

You are so lucky you get
to live across the street

from that piece of ass.
- Dude, I know, I know.

Look, she's bending over.
Look.

- Oh.
- Oh!

Hey, guys, what are you doing?

- Boo!
- Mind your business, dick weed.

Hey, what did I say about
coming to my room

with an invite?
- Come on, Dyl.

- Out!
- I'm not intruding.

Now!

Goddammit.

Is he gonna snitch?

Nah, we're holding
his War hammer set hostage.

We're good.

- Dude, let's go.
- Awesome.

Holy shit!

Look at her hand
on that hose, bro.

Look at that grip, man.

Oh, yeah, dude.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No!

- No!
- No, move your van!

- Are you serious?
- Right in front.

It's bullshit, man.

- Goddamn.
- Come on, dude.

- Hate this guy.
- This sucks, bro.

Hey, pull your shorts
up a little.

Oh, he's got to get ready.

- No shot, bro.
- Hey, man. Hey.

- Oh, does he think...
- Come on. Come on.

Does he think she's going
to go for that?

- Bro.
- Oh, nah, dude.

You can see
how disgusted she looks.

- Not that! Ow!
- Oh, shit!

- She... she just went...
- Wait.

Is that a new Macintosh?

She trying... she trying
to fund my college?

You could do my sugar mama.

Oh, dude,
you're telling me, man.

Dude, he's still talking to her.

- Get lost.
- Hey!

- She's walking away.
- She can't hear you.

She's not interested.

- Leave, dude.
- Now. Get over yourself, bro.

- No!
- No!

No, man!

Not the damn... oh!

Oh, shit, bro.

Oh, shit.

- Get out of here.
- Bro.

What's with all
the weird statues?

Maybe her family's European?

They are classy
and sexually liberal.

- Mm.
- Oh.

Dude, that is what
I'm talking about.

I think I'm in love.

- Ooh.
- Oh, my God.

She's going for the shower.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- Please, please, please.
- She's going to get naked.

- Please.
- No, no!

- Don't do any more!
- No!

Goddammit.

We've got to get a better angle.

Okay, I will buy the safe
from you for $100.

Final offer.

Be off the chain, bro.

You got Limp Bizkit,
you got Creed,

you got Whole, you got...

Hey, guys, let's her Boner out.

Let's here Boner out.

Ah!

Dude, I swear to...

- I got your concert.
- Oh, come... Shut up, dude.

Come on, come on,
I'm killing it right now.

- No.
- Lame.

Your brother sucks.

Oh, shit.

- Oh.
- Wait.

He's got his little baby pads.

- What is he doing?
- Fuck.

I can't believe
I'm related to him.

- Hey, look.
- Oh.

He's not going to snitch
on us, right?

'Cause I need this,
like, really badly.

- What the fuck?
- Yo, you don't just walk up

and talk to a girl like that.

- Get away from her.
- What the fuck?!

Yo, did she just
voluntarily touch him?

Is she holding his hand?

This is not happening right now.

- Whoa.
- Is he... he's going inside.

Dude. Holy shit.

She probably feels bad for him.

Oh, my God. I want her to feel
bad for me every day.

Brady is a goddamn pimp.

Hey, shut up, man.

Brady, dude, mad respect.

Yo, does she have
a boyfriend, though?

What does she smell like?

Does she have
the hot girl stink?

Who? Sandra?

- Holy shit.
- You're on a first name basis?

Hey, hey, hey, let the kid talk.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm supposed to go over
and help her set up

a web cam tomorrow so...

Oh, shit, dude.

Sounds like a date.

Yo, I never would have
guessed he's got more game

than his big bro.

Yo, shut the fuck up!

I've got an idea.

Alright, just level me.
Is it possible?

Yeah, I could install
a spyware program,

but if I get caught,
she'll... she'll kill me.

Then you'll die hero.

Brady, if you do this,
you'll be a fucking legend,

plus you can hang out
with us tonight.

Really?

He's in, boys.

There we go.

- Don't look...
- Turn around!

- Oh, my God.
- Fucking Brady.

Dude, your brother.
Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

Hey.

Maybe she's a sculptor.

Dude, they kind
of look like Boner.

- Hey, hey.
- Okay, yeah.

Better looking.

Shut up.

Dear, Penthouse.

Goddamn.

Alright, alright, wrap it off.

Mm, I need this so badly.

- Shit, man.
- I can't watch.

I'm going to throw up.

It's okay, Boner.

Yeah, I'm kind of nervous.

Now or never, dude.
Go, go, go.

What the hell is spyware anyway?

- Okay.
- Shit.

Come on, Brady, you got this.
You got this.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.

- Oh, my God.
- You got to hurry.

- Jesus.
- Oh, my God.

- We're done.
- I can't watch this, dude.

- Fuck, fuck.
- He's dead, he's dead.

He's dead.

- Is it...
- I'm going to throw up.

- Oh, we got it.
- Come on, come on.

Did he save it?

- Is it...?
- Oh, shit.

Yo, that's some "Golden eye"
shit right there, dude.

This kid's taking way too long.

Let him do his thing.

Dear, God, I know
I never really pray to you

about anything ever,

but please do not be
an asshole about this.

Did it work?

We're in.

- Yes!
- No shit.

- The kid did it.
- Yeah.

Hey, he was a kid
five minutes ago.

This gentleman is a man.

- Hey, you did good.
- Cool.

- Cheers.
- Cheers, bud.

Glorious.

Oh, wow.

Technology is amazing, man.

- Yo, Boner, that's my computer.
- Hey, Boner.

Guys, guys, shower time.

Finally, bro.

My balls were about to discover
a new shade of blue.

Holy shit.

I can't wait
to see those titties.

Yeah.

This is the greatest day
of my life.

Oh.

Come on, go for it.

- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.

Hey. What's up?

Y-You don't like the beer?

I just feel like a creep.

Dude, we're just
having some fun.

I know, it's just...

She trusted me, man.
Just shut it off.

We will, we will,
in a little while.

Hey, Brady,
where are you going, man?

Oh, fuck it.
- The Internet is awesome.

Yeah.

Eww!

Yo, what?
She's double jointed?

- Gross.
- I'd still tap that.

Contortionist.

A wig. I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

- Oh! Oh!
- What the fuck?

Oh, oh.

Uh...

Yo, wait, wait, wait.
Is this that CGI thing?

Man, it's still...
It's still kind of hot.

I do not... I don't like it.
I don't like it.

Nah.

Holy shit.
Guys, she sees us.

Like, you need
to call an ambulance,

the police
and then your parents.

Call your parents.
- I got it.

911, what is your emergency?

Yeah, I'm calling about
a girl with snakes in her head.

- How many snakes, sir?
- I don't know how many snakes!

Holy shit.

Yo, yo. Did you hear that?

What was that?

Yo, yo, yo.
She's on the roof, dude.

- What the fuck?
- Oh!

Oh!

Oh no.

Oh, my God!

Get the fuck out of here.

- What's going on?
- Watch out!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Look, we need to get out,
We need to get out of here.

Brady.

S-Sandra?

We... we didn't mean
to hurt you, right?

Right, Dylan? We...

Oh, my G...

No!
Nobody can kill him!

Leave him alone!

No!

- Jane McAllister, 48...
- Sorry, hold up your release.

Jane McAllister, 48.

Got it.

This is where the vessel
will lie during the ritual.

Are you nervous at all?

No, I'm not part of the coven.

I'm just the husband
in the background.

But, yeah, I'm nervous.

Hey.

Did you eat something
before we left?

Yeah, I grabbed
one of your Gogurts.

That's not a meal, man.

I ate two of them.

So, tell us why you volunteered
to be the vessel,

and start off by saying

I volunteered to be
the vessel because.

Um, I volunteered
to be the vessel

because I've always felt like
I was destined

for something bigger than me,
I guess.

Does that make sense?

And I just want to say,
it is an absolute honor

to offer my body
as the earthly vessel

of Our Lord Ukabon.

Thank you so much, Kirsten.
Good luck tonight.

Yeah, good luck or... yeah.

You guys nervous to see one?

A demon?

You guys are in for a trip.

Have you seen one?

Wait, I thought it'd be
like New Year's Eve,

Y2K for the whole thing to...

I mean, like,
for big ones, yeah.

Julia, the book.

- Got to go.
- Okay.

It's important to massage
the doorway to the other realm,

but we won't call Ukabon
into the vessel

until the stroke of midnight

when the veil
is at its very thinnest.

Thank you.

- The window...
- Window.

- Begins to crack.
- Crack.

- The gate...
- Gate-

- begins to open.
- Open.

- The veil...
- Veil

- begins to slip.
- Slip.

- Ukabon.
- Ukabon.

- Ukabon.
- Ukabon.

We thread the needle
with thy name

and pull thee
to our earthly plane.

Troy.

Faces.

What was that.
- What?

- Hey.
- What?

I think I saw something.

Something's here!

Is that Fergus again?

Just cast him out, honey.

- Okay, follow my lead.
- Don't stop.

- We speak to thee uninvited.
- Troy, get in there.

Uninvited.

Our anger thou hast ignited.

Ignited.

All thy power we...

No, no, no.

And do cast thee back...

May?

May, I can't see.

May?

May?!

What?

May?

Dude, how do we get outside?

Oh, dude, your head.

Woah, stop, look out.

Oh, shit.

- What the hell?
- What is that?

Hey, what's happening?

Dude, what is that?
- Is that a person?

Hey!

Oh, oh, oh!
Oh!

Oh, shit!

What was it? What was it?

Shh, shh!
Turn the light off!

Turn it off!

Where's the button?

Shh, be quiet!

Something licked my hand.

- What?
- Something licked my hand.

- Nothing licked your hand.
- No, I'm serious.

Shut up. I do not care.

Shut up.
Do not turn on the light.

Oh, what?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

We're in Hell.

I shouldn't be in Hell!

Stop panicking!

I shouldn't be here.
I go to church.

Listen to me, there's no
such thing as Hell. Okay?

And you don't even go to church.
- Help!

Stay down.

- Hey!
- Oh, shit! It saw me.

- Troy, shut up.
- Oh, shit.

What are you doing?

It's coming.
What do we do, Nate?

Wait! Ma'am, wait!
Wait!

My friend and I are lost.
We don't know where we are.

Thou art in the feeding grounds.

What's the feeding grounds?

The...

Oh, thou art fresh.

What great sin does thou commit?

I told you!

Look, Miss, me and my friend
didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, of course not.

No, we really didn't.
I don't think we died.

We were doing this ritual

with an old book,
and everything went wrong.

Book? What book?

Troy, I think
when those witches sent

that demon thing down here,
we accidentally came with it.

Is that possible?
These witches were trying

to summon a powerful demon
into this woman's body.

What name?
What name did the try to summon?

Shit, I don't remember.
Something like...

It was like Qui-Gon
or Pokémon or some shit.

The book upon the Blood Order?

Yes! Do you know him?

Yes. Oh, I hate Ukabon!

Thou art not far from him.

Eight minutes.

Troy, what we need
is this Ukabon by midnight

when the witches take him
through the vale.

Oh, yes!
And then we can grab onto him

right when they take him
through, and we can go home!

Yeah.

Please, can you
take us to Ukabon?

We only have eight minutes,
shit, seven minutes now.

If I return thee to Earth,
wilt thou write my name

in the Great Book
of the Witches?

Yeah, sure.

My name is Mabel
the Skull Biter.

I took command of 30 legions.

Hurry, run!

This way.

What are you doing?
Keep going.

Shh!

I almost messed up
my hand on these spikes.

Get over here.

Hey, Mabel, can you go to Hell

for an isolated
shoplifting incident?

Oh, yeah, Troy, that's the
worst thing you've ever done.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Shut up.

No, seriously.
What's that supposed to mean?

- Shut up!
- Shh!

Remember, fresh souls
taste best.

Mabel, slow down.

Dude, what if she's
taking us to, like,

one of her little
demon friends or something?

No, I don't think so.

I'm a pretty good
judge of people.

Don't... Oh, excuse us.

No, don't engage.

Hey, keep moving.
We're going to lose Mabel.

Why are you stopped, bro?
Go, go, go!

Okay!

- Mabel!
- Oh, dude.

I almost stepped right
into that huge trap.

- Oh!
- Nate, my hand!

Where did?

Mabel, my hand!

Hey! Stop!

Why art thou raising thy voice?

Maybe because you're
leading us to our deaths.

Where the hell
are you taking us?

No one speaketh to me this way.

In this world,
I giveth the orders!

I'm a servant to no one!

Great Order, return me at once!

Mabel!

Mabel!

Mabel! Mabel!

Come back her, you oozing bitch!

We're lost.

Nate, take the light.
Give me a turn with that.

What?
No. You don't know how to fight.

Yes, I do.
I took martial arts.

- No, you didn't.
- When I was a kid I did.

Troy, just shut... Ah, shit!

Come on!

I'm going to stab you in the
frigging face with this thing!

Oh, shit, Troy! Troy, we're
running out of time, man!

She just left us here!

Maybe you shouldn't
have been such a dick!

Well, shit, Troy,
I'm sorry I'm not buddy-buddy

with every demon
hell spawn that I meet.

It's called leadership, Troy.

Somebody has to take charge.

It's not going to be you.

Well, Mabel and I respond
to a different leadership style!

Help me!

Mabel!

Troy, don't!

Troy, stop!

Mabel.

Help me.

Oh, help.

Uh...

Ma'am?

Run, Nate!

Why do thou scream like cowards?

Because there was this woman
and then there was...

She needed help,
but she's... her arms were...

Oh, thou met her.

They already got me.

Shit, man.

We only got like four minutes.
We're not going to make it.

Men, we are here.

Hither be the back entrance
to the dwelling of Ukabon.

Here, where Worm had gone about
her business, you must crawl.

- Troy, you go first.
- No.

I only have one good hand.
I can't go hold the light.

We need the light.

I can't hold the light
and crawl at the same...

I shall fix thy torch
to thy head.

Wait, what? No.
Gross.

Nate?

Oh, man.

Get in the
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Troy, faster!

I'm trying, Nate!

What is that?!

Shh. Quiet, men.

Dude, you just pushed me
into that creature thing!

No, I didn't.
It was a reflex.

Stop acting like
I'm a bad person.

Shh!

Snatch!

80 seconds.

I say we make a beeline
to Ukabon at 60.

Okay.

Nate, you really think
I'm a bad person?

You cannot be serious right now.

Well, excuse me for thinking
it's a big deal

that my best friend
thinks I'm a terrible person.

- Shh!
- Okay, Nate, just shut me up

and ignore me
like you always do.

You told my ex that I have
a gambling addiction.

Two years ago.

I was just trying
to make her feel better.

You never have my back, Troy.

Shit, 58 seconds.
Let's go.

Don't forget to write
my name in the book!

Oh, shit!

Almost, Troy.
Come on!

Nate, look out!

Troy, just go!

Balls!

- Thee, the time is nigh.
- The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh.
- The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh.
- The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh.
- The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh.
- The time is nigh.

15 seconds.

Wait! Mabel!

Come with us!

Ukabon. Ukabon.

Ukabon. Ukabon. Ukabon.

Write my name!

Just go, go, go!

He's coming!

Troy!

Troy, we made it!

W-wait, why... why am I tied up?

Nate, Nate, Nate!

- No!
- Nate!

What are you doing?

How did this happen?

How did this happen?!
- Just try it again.

You think we can just
do this again, just do it over?

Well, we can't! We can't!

Another one
is in the book, honey.

How did you let this happen?

Well, the camera crew
wasn't my idea.

You're going to blame me now?

I cleaned for you.
I prepare for you.

I stop up for you,
and this is how you thank me?

- Be quiet!
- Blame me?

You should have listened to me.

Shut up.
Julia, where are you going?

I'm getting a mop.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Sold into slavery down
in New Orleans ♪

♪ Goddess of the bayou light ♪

♪ Black dog's head
on the killing bed ♪

♪ Severed and left to bleed ♪

♪ There on fire
in the corner of the world ♪

♪ There in misery ♪

♪ There on fire
in the corner of the world ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross
that line? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a long way back
from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want
to go with ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Poison father
of the human race ♪

♪ God of the tainted blood ♪

♪ Malevolence sneaking up
the spine of the world ♪

♪ Ready for the bastard son ♪

♪ There on fire
in the veins of man ♪

♪ There in misery ♪

♪ There on fire
in the veins of man ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want
to cross that line? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a long way
back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want
to go with ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross
that line? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross
that line? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wanna cross that line ♪

♪ Oh, sold into slavery
down in New Orleans ♪

♪ Goddess of the bayou light ♪

♪ Black dog's head
on the killing bed ♪

♪ Severed and left to bleed ♪

♪ There on fire
in the corner of the world ♪

♪ There in misery ♪

♪ Lucifer's face in the mirror
when you look ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross
that line? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a long way back
from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want
to go with ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Oh, poison father
of the human race ♪

♪ God of the tainted blood ♪

♪ Malevolence sneaking up
the spine of the world ♪

♪ Ready for the bastard son ♪

♪ There on fire
in the veins of man ♪

♪ There is misery ♪

♪ There on fire
in the veins of man ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want
to cross that line? ♪

♪ Because it's a long way
back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't
want to go with me ♪

♪ Hey, it's a long way
back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want
to go... ♪

We thread the needle
with thy name and pull thee

to our earthly plane, Mabel.

- Mabel.
- Mabel.

- Mabel.
- Mabel.

- Mabel.
- Mabel.

- Mabel.
- Mabel.

May...

Vroom.