Useless Humans (2020) - full transcript

A thirtieth birthday -- and the survival of mankind -- are left hanging in the balance after a mysterious creature crashes the party, forcing four childhood friends to save the night.

Doris likes
mine just the way it is.

I told you to stop
talkin' to me 'bout that.

Why the hell you do

somethin' like that to your kid?

I was that way,
my daddy's that way.

My daddy's daddy's that way.

And it's sanitary.

It's a goddamn myth.

It looks good too.

Just ask Charlene.

Charlene don't know shit.

Circumcision cuts off
1,000 nerve endings

and some kinda
natural lubricant.

Now that'll make fuckin'
Charlene actually tolerable.

Why does everybody do it then?

Well some guy who
invented Corn flakes.

Probably to keep kids
from masturbatin'.


That him?

Yeah, the blood trail
leads that way, let's go.

Whoa, what the?

You think
a deer did this?


What the hell?

I do not know.


What is that?

- Did you hear that?
- What?

- By the trees.
- Nope.

Oh jeez, there's
more than one.

So we grab that thing and split.

Could be worth money.

Oh shit.

This isn't how the
gypsy said I'd go.

The universe is endless.

Cold and impartial.

We exist because we
fought to be here.

The universe gave us a chance.

We grabbed hold, planted
our flag in the ground

and said, "We belong."

Survival is fought for.

Right now ladies and gentlemen,

we are on a decaying
planet of our own doing.

Well one day, Earth

will die

and we as a species will
need to find

a new home.

Now greedy corporations and
their puppets in Congress

are only speeding things up,

so that's why we must act now!

Invest in a Stars
with Skaggs project

for intergalactic travel.

Together, we can discover
unknown pockets of the universe

and need mankind to a new
pine-fresh home.

Your money will make
for a better universe!

Hi, Kenneth.


What the hell are you doing?

I was just rehearsing
for a future presentation

for my space travel
company Stars with Skaggs.

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Have you tested the equipment?

I started to.

I have a lecture in 30 minutes

and the sound must be
an echo to the senses.


And have you
replaced the bulbs?

You didn't say anything
about replacing the bulbs.

I sent you an email last night

and I know you were
on your computer

because of your
masturbation problem.

I wouldn't call it problem.

Then where are my bulbs?

Yeah okay, I'll
get right on it.

And the log report: stay
late and finish it, okay?

Actually Kenneth, I can't.

It's my birthday today

and my friends and
I are goin' on...

I don't care about
your birthday, okay?!

You're my assistant and
you're supposed to assist me.

So do you wanna keep your job

or do you wanna drink Mai
Tais with your friends?

- Mai Tais.
- Huh?

Oh I'm sorry, was that
not an echo to the senses?

Mai Tais.

Have a good lecture, Kenneth.

Hey, wait!

- Come here.
- Whoa, ow.

God, unhand me.

Give that to me, you.

You will never work in
a planetarium again!

- Jesus, interesting.
- Hey, hey.

The coat.


Here's your coat.

Huh, huh?

Hey, pick it up.

- C'mon.
- Yeah, okay.

But I'm leavin' it there.

Thank you!

Oh shit.

- Hi. Oh oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh jeez.

- Pardon me. Sorry, Tracy.
- Watch it, man.

Got a lotta momentum.

- I'll see ya.
- Bye, Brian.


Oh my god.

What the?

You gotta be fuckin'.

Fuck my life.

You fucking fuckface.

Not you.

I don't need to
stand anymore, right?

- Cheese.
- No, you're good.

We were not
in-sync on that one.

- No.
- No.

- Ooh, but it's adorable.
- Ooh.

Hey, all right.


- Alex.
- Stop!

- Thank you.
- Just a little.

- To Brian's birthday!
- Here, here.

And to the last Leonid
meteor shower together.

What, the last?

Yeah, the last
year of college.

We might not have time
to make a yearly trip

once our careers take off.

We could always find time.

I don't know, man.

You'll be busy blowin'
shit up at NASA.

I'll be savin' lives in the OR.

Jess fighting
deforestation in Guatemala.


- Well Alex might be free.
- Yeah.

Hey, Louis.

You know, I'm really
disappointed in you.

This is our thing, man.

This has been our thing since
we were in elementary school.

The real world can't
take that away.

My dad
says the real world

is an unforgiving
thief of happiness.

And knowing my
dad, I believe it.

Well, I hereby
declare this not be

the last Leonid meteor shower,

but a yearly continuation
until the day we die.

And I concur.


Duke it.

Yup, yup.

- What, what yeah!
- Oh.

- Lest we forget.
- To our yearly meteor break!

I would live to come, you guys.

Oh Frederick, how
are you darling?

But if I don't take care of
my plants, who's going to?

This year is bad.

We can't have little Olaf

freezing his little
butt off, can we?

Hey man, yeah.

Things have been a
little, you know.


Yeah, this year is bad.

Yo Brian, d'you see this shit?

20, motherfucker.

- 21.
- No no no no.

Fuck, man.

You fuckin'. No no, you
ain't takin' that shit.

Dude, this year's bad.

No, no.


Faster, people.

We're on a deadline.

Can you bring that
tree over here?

What are you doing?

I told you 15 minutes ago,
that's not how you do that.

You guys, we're
opening the garden.

This year is bad.

C'mon, bring the plant.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.


All right,

so we're just gonna have
to make a small incision.

It's gonna be about two inches.

- Incision?
- Shh shh shh.

It's better if you
don't speak, 'kay?

This year's bad.

Oh shit.

How's my ass look from
back there, guys?

This year's bad, man.

This year's bad.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, do you feel cool
with your chainsaws?

I wish I could be there,

but I'm in the middle
of saving the forest.

This year's bad.

My mother
was right about you!

This year's bad.

Dude, last night
was fuckin' epic.

This year's bad.

This year's good.

"Happy birthday, son.

"Your mother and I
could not be more proud.

"30 years old with your
eyes still on the prize.

"Don't let it bother
you that Elon Musk

"sold his first company for
$300 million at the age of 26.

"Your mother just informed me

"that I shouldn't have
written that last part,

"but I'm using pen and don't
have time to buy another card.

"Just know that we love you

"and enjoy this gift
with your friends.

"I did a little research.

"It's Elon's favorite."

Aww, dad.

Gonna get...


You didn't say
shit to me, all right?

I mean it's not like you.

I thought you knew.

No baby, I swear.

I swear we had
this conversation.

'Cause all of you didn't.

Oh surprise, man.

I was gonna surprise you.

I thought you knew.

- Surprise me?
- No, that's...

Are you kidding me?

What kinda fucking
surprise is that?

You leave me alone for
those little monsters?

- I told you last month.
- No, you didn't.

I did.

You never help me anyway

and now you suddenly disappear
and you leave me alone

to go drink with your
high school buddies.

I am alone in this.

Well, I'm here.



Brian Skaggs!

Has it seriously been since
my magical wedding day?

- Hug me.
- Yay!

How's LA, man?

Buildin' rockets yet?

Yeah, I mean almost.

I'm goin' through
the right steps.

How's Maggie and the twins?

- That was her on the phone.
- Yeah?

Claims that I didn't tell her

I was leaving for the weekend.

I told her.

I totally told her.

She's still recovering
from the episiotomy,

so she's a little.

The doctors made a
slit in her perineum,

the space between
the vagina and anus,

so post partum sex is.


And the twins, I love them.

- Yeah?
- But then I think, do I

or am I just saying that
because it's expected of me?

It's just you know,
I need structure

and babies give fuck
all about structure.

They're anti-structure.

Chaos in diapers,
but I love them.

Everyone says I should.

They just make me
a little.

- Jesus.
- Oh yeah.

Not what you see on
the Christmas cards.

Old wiring.

Speakin' of old wiring,
how's your love life?

Was that a dick joke?

Holy shit, Maggie never
lets me touch this stuff.

This stuff is good.

Well, my dick.

Thank you for
asking, by the way,

continues to be dry and lonely.

My game is of the
non-LeBron variety.

Well, maybe this
time you can finish

what you tried to start
with Jess eight years ago.

Jess, what?

No, get outta town.



We're just friends, dawg.

Naw, naw.

Are you having a stroke?

Speak of the devil.

Screw you, Maggie.

Happy escape from
the womb day, old man.

- Hi, Jess.
- Hey.

Jess, look at you bringin' me

a handsome hipster in a Tesla.

Now, this is a farm!

A little red barn, a ducky pond,

a cabin.

I love it here.

Brian, my soulmate's mate.

Brian, Jess has told me so much.

Brian: brilliant engineer,

best of friend.

This is my boyfriend, Zachary.

- Your boyfriend?
- Louis.

Louis, Jess has told me so much.

Louis: brilliant
surgeon, best of friend.

He's a people person.

This place is bahupada.

Is that Hindi?

Did I just speak Hindi?


Lived in West
Bengal for two years

bringing irrigation
technology to the dry lands.

Sometimes I just slip
right back into it.


Lemme show you where
you're gonna put your bag.

Namaste, Louis.

Love you.

Love you.


- Hey.
- Hey.

Missed you.

Yeah, it's crazy
that we're back here.

Yeah, finally.

I guess y'all just
couldn't pass up

the opportunity to
watch me wither and die.

- 'Cause you're 30.
- 'Cause I'm 30.

Zachary is...

Oh yeah, he couldn't
wait to meet you

'cause I've just been
goin' on and on about you.

Oh, on and on.

He's the head
of our non-profit.

- He's your boss?
- He's my boss.

A Tiki bar?!

I love Polynesian culture!

He's excitable.

So tell me about you.

Last I heard, you were
working at a planetarium.

Yes, I was doing that.

But I outgrew that.

- Did you quit?
- No.

- No no no no no.
- Jesus, Brian.

Yeah, I did.

But look.

D'you ever finish
anything you start?

What've I never finished?


Take your time.

Uh oh, hide the
women and children.

That enough beer?


Like we never left.

Cool if I VenMo You?

For what?

These tickets to a shit show.

Alice, come look at this.


You're really gonna
make me call you that?

If you wanna catch a shark,
you gotta chum the waters.

Oh, we're not after a shark

and we're in the
middle of the country.

Same logic applies.

Fine, Chum.

Look at this.

It's blood.

It's like staring
into the cosmos.

Blood cells were stars.

It's kinda pretty

the way you put that
all sciency and poetic.

Usually I trek alone.

Apparently I need a smartypants

do to their non-human
nature of the job.

What's worth all this debt?

Don't matter what it is.

What matters is our
employer wants it back.

So you're here to
make sense of things

so that I can eliminate things.

It's so beautiful.

So goddamn beautiful.

To Brian, a
brilliant gentleman.

And relentless panty-dropper.

Adjective and a noun.

- Brian.
- To Brian.

Let's get drunk!

Getting old sucks.

Suddenly hydration has
become very important.

call me a sir now.

Do I look like a sir?

Know what I hate?

Nose hairs.

I'll tell 'em,

"I'm a sir in the sheets

"and a mister on the streets."

And hemorrhoids,
those also suck.

I say shit like, "The kids,"
and "You call that music?

"I call that noise."

I watched Fox News
once and I liked it.

Like I know they
supposed to droop,

but it's like my
balls drop twice.

I feel wasted.

You had like one beer.

He doesn't really
drink that much

and I told him when
we get together,

we're total lushes and he
didn't wanna be left out.

I feel like I can see my face

wavin' to me from another state.

Like a

state of Wyoming.

Hello, face from

I usually shit on guys
like ZDogg over here,

but somehow this
motherfucker makes it work.

Pound it.

Beer pound!

- Beer pound.
- Beer pound.

Oh, oh.

- Brian.
- Fuck, I'm sorry.

Brian Brian Brian Brian.

Here, here, come here.

Oh no, please
don't touch me, man.

No no no no.

Just help me
pick the best one.

Yeah, I really don't think
I'm qualified for that.

Okay, see look.

In this one, I'm
not fully erect,

but I like my facial expression.

However, in this
one I'm rock solid,

but what am I
doin' with my lips?

Oh yeah, no you got
a landing strip there.

Yeah, man.

That's tough.

I think probably the
second one with the lips.

Improve it.

You could do that.

You're right.

Stellar cock.

I know, right?

All right, number two.

So Jess likes that
type of thing, huh?


No, god not Jess.

Ooh we're cool, right?

I mean, dicks are just dicks
and pics are just pics.

Yeah whatever, man.

It's all yours, Bri-town.

Oh shit, my dick was out.

Putting her down for that one.

Never have I ever
gotten a B in school.


What, never got a B in school?

Never got an A

Really haven't got with it.

In my school, we just
did for participation.

We had no grades.

Okay okay okay.

Never have I ever used
grape jelly as a lubricant.

And it worked "grape"

You know that's a
recipe for UTI, right?

- Okay Bri, Bri.
- To the kidneys and the liver

and it can cause
some serious damage.

Your turn.

- Oh, Brian's turn.
- Brian's turn.

♪ Birthday Bri time ♪

♪ Birthday Brian ♪

♪ It's Brian's birthday ♪

♪ Get on the Brian train ♪

Choo choo!

You go go go
go, say something.

Say something.

Never have I ever sent
a dick pic to someone

while my girlfriend
was in the next room.

comin' down, drinkin'.

No, I'm not drinkin'.

Well this went downhill fast.


- Oh whoa.
- What is that?

- What the hell just happened?
- Oh, did I blackout already?

It's just
a power outage.

From what?

Guys, there's something
wrong with my phone.

I mean what could do that?

Take out our phones.


I don't know.

It could be an energy not
confined to a local force,

so it's something non-linear

that would allow
aperiodic behaviors.

That sorta behavior
is no longer acceptable

In a dating world.

I'm talkin' about
multiple stable states;



Well, I imagine all
scientific theories

are better expanded upon
with the lights back on.

Yeah, the fuse box
is in the garage.

All right, who
wants to go with me?

I'll go with you, bro.

- Fantastic.
- Fantastic,


What the fuck, Bri?

You totally threw
me under the bus.


Well, that's how we
do things in Bri-Town.



Your parents voted
for Bush?

Hey, look you're
cheating on my best friend.

So don't try to take the
moral high-ground now.

Sending dick pics
isn't cheating.

It's like sending
out your resume

while you still have a job.

I'm not actively working
for another company.

That's actively
looking for another job.

- That's pre-cheating.
- Pre meaning before.

Before cheating.


Well you better
get outta my way

before I make a fist
and pre-punch you.

Hey if Jess leaves
me because of this,

I will pre-find
out where you live

and I will pre-ruin your life.


Well I'll have pre-set
booby traps waiting.

And I'll have predicted that.

- Pre-fuck you.
- Pre-fuck you, man.

- Pre-fuck you.
- I'll pre-fuck you.

- No.
- Pre-fuck you.

To be continued.

Hey, you all right?

I don't know
why I'm surprised.

I chose Zach for the same
reason I chose every guy.

Knew it wouldn't last.

Yeah 'cause you've always
been in love with Brian.

Brian, what?

Get outta town.

We're just friends, dawg.



Stuff really that bad for you?

I don't know.

I think I just got caught up
in what was expected of me.

Never had that problem.


Strange burn pattern.

It was a ghost of Bush/Cheney.

What was that?

Did you hear that?


All right, maybe we
should get the fuck.

You were saying?

Jess, Jess.

Come on, right now.

- Life or death, let's go.
- What?

We're leaving.

Come on, let's go.


Fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

What the hell was that?

We mighta seen a monster.

Pretty damn sure that I'm
not the bad guy around here.

I mean I bring food to starving
people around the world.

Not cool.

Leave my shit.

C'mon, c'mon.


- Fuck!
- Jesus, he's cut.

- What the?
- Don't fall asleep, okay?

- Stay with me, Bri.
- Oh wow, disgusting.


Stay with
me, don't fall asleep.


Don't fall
asleep on me, okay?

Why does it have
to be the portable?

Stay with me.

There's blood everywhere.

We need to get him
to the hospital.

- Jess, we don't even know what's.
- Now!

Now, help me.

Help me.

Watch it you're already

- Louis, c'mon.
- Whoa.

I ain't goin' out there.

Look at him.

Look at those marks.

Please don't be that
preachy coward character

that annoys everyone.

They always die first and I
don't want you to die, buddy.



- I wanna go in the car.
- All right, c'mon.

It's okay, you're gonna be okay.

- You're gonna make it.
- Okay.

Now get in the back.

- Shit.
- What?

Should we grab some roadies?

Dude, he is dying.

Get in the back seat.

- You first.
- Oh, no no no.

All right, all right.

Watch your foot.

It's just the brake.


- Shit.
- What the fuck was that?

- My god.
- What, why?

I have to poop.

I have to poop
when I get nervous.

Battery's fried.

What's wrong
with your car, man?

- Well shit.
- Alex?

You stay there.

Stay there, okay?

We'll be right back.

My hog seems to have
met the same fate.

That's exactly what
the fusebox looked like.

I always imagine me and her
goin' out at the same time.

Wind in my hair, butt-naked
as I drive off the edge of a-.

Did you hear that?

- Back inside.
- Back inside.

C'mon, let's go.

He's okay, he's okay.

Just put him on
the coffee table.

Okay, get the.

Louis, help!

Oh my god, anytime!

- Oh god.
- You're gonna be okay.

Why's he touching me?

No, don't touch me.

Okay, we need to get
the power back on

so we can charge the
phone and call for help.

Okay, is there a generator?

In the shed.

- Okay, let's go.
- Wait, I mean.

The shed, it's outside.

- It's in the dark.
- Yeah, take your flashlight.

Right, yeah.

No, that's exactly
what I was thinking.

Louis while we're doin'
that outside in the dark,

- you stop the bleeding.
- No no no, I'm not sure.

- What?
- I'm not sure.

Dude, what the fuck?

Just gimme a minute.

We don't have a minute, Louis.

Come on, dude.

- You're amazing.
- Okay okay okay.

It's okay.

I see.

Yeah, the problem appears
to be these three cuts.

No shit.

Can you stop the bleeding?

- Who, me?
- You, yeah.


- I'm not a surgeon.
- You're not a surgeon.

- I'm not a surgeon.
- You're not a surgeon?

I found out in medical school

I didn't have the
stomach for it.

Blood makes me
queasy as fuck.

You're not a surgeon?

I'm an optometrist.

Christ, Louis.

He doesn't need an eye exam.

I've got this.


- What's he doing?
- Be gentle.



You don't gotta look.

But you gotta hold
these wounds together

while I glue them, okay?

Now, bro!

Okay okay okay.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

- No, I'm not ready.
- No, I don't wanna look.

I don't wanna look.

I don't wanna look.

Alex, where did
you learn to do this?


- Okay, good job.
- We're gonna go.



Pullin' it together literally.

Am I keeping it
steady enough for you?

Yes, thank you.

Well, you been staring
into that microscope

for a while instead of engaging

in time-passing conversation.

At least throw me a bone.

The blood.

It's the cells.

They're giving off
an electrical charge.

You say that like you
admire the creature.

I just like the opportunity
to understand it better.

The deeper you try to
understand something,

the more gray area
you're gonna unlock.

Gray area equals hesitation.

Hesitation gets us all fucked.

Sounds like my
last relationship.

Damn Wendy, you're funny

but you're also naive.

That device in the wrong hands
does neither of us a service.

Mama wants to get paid too.

Well I could better
understand what we're tracking

if I knew more about the device.

That's above both
our pay grades,

but you saw the corpses.

Whatever it is, we
need to stop it.

Just tell me about that monster.

Honey, let's
stop for a second.

- Why's that?
- Because it glowed.

Oh, of course it did.

The cuts on Zachary's chest.

Well, I believe
you saw something.

I'm just not ready to
go full-monster yet.

Okay, we're good.

Just try not to pass out on me

before we get the power back on.

Jess, that was eight years ago

and look I was nervous
because I have.

Yeah and that led to gin shots.

Gin is a vile nemesis.

D'you ever wonder
what would've happened

if you hadn't passed
out that night?

Ah, all right.

- Voila.
- Jesus.

- Does it still work?
- I don't see why not.

Pull it like
someone in their 20s.

All right, here we go.

All right, here we go.

- Oh god.
- Shit.

I think it's outta gas.

Maybe we can siphon some fuel.

Zachary's car!

- Electric.
- Ah, shit.


Damn you, Elon.

Oh, Alex has a
gas-guzzling hog.

- Okay, what do we do?
- Grab that.


You know, I should've
stayed in Miami.

Maggie and the kids.

My sweet, sweet,
sweet wife and kids.


Is he going to live?

I'm not a doctor.

What are you?


Right there.

Why'd you lie?

I didn't mean to.

Just lied once to buy some time,

then again to buy a little more

and before you know it, I was...

You got a Technicolor
Dreamcoat made of lies

and everyone's all, "Damn,
that's a fuckin' nice coat."

And you're like, "Damn right,
this shit's snakeskin."

But you know it's salamander.

Optometry is a noble profession.

You know they say the eyes
are the window to the soul,

so that makes you a soul doctor.

What the fuck
does that even mean?

I think you're a little
more qualified for this one.

I'm not.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know.

Siphoning gas has
a lot more in common

with drinking a milkshake
than sucking dick, dick.

Hey, I didn't know that.

Look, listen.

I'm sorry about.

It wasn't my place to
call out your boyfriend.

My boyfriend who's gonna die

if we don't get gas
in that generator.


I shouldn't have brought him.

I didn't want to,

but he has this way of inserting
himself and everything.

Suck, motherfucker.


Are you okay?

God, it tastes like a YMCA.

All right, it's comin' out.

All right, we're back.

Let's head back in
the house.

What, what?

What's goin' on?

Something just ran past me.

The monster?

Stop sayin' that.


Giant squirrel.

And I can't say monster?

He was over that way.

Okay, all right.

- Right there.
- Where?

Look, there!

How many of those
fuckers are there?

Holy shit, it was glowing.

And she never
doubted him again.

It's charging.

Give it a minute
of juice and then call 911

and see if you can find a
place that delivers beer

or the ambulance
can make a stop.

Actually just do
it the first way.

C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon.

Let's go.

Oh my god.

What is that thing?

- Run?
- Yeah.

Oh shit.

Goddamn it, Mariah Carey.

It's not working.

- Hey, what happened?
- Monsters.

Not you too.

How's Zachary?

Not long for this world
if we don't get help.

We're almost outta beer.

Alex, there's
like two more cases.

Yeah, but one of
those is light beer.

Light beer!

Seriously, what happened?

Seriously, we got attacked
by electricity-eating monsters.

Fine, what'd it look like?

It's hard to describe.

We only saw it
clearly from the back.

Did it look like the Babadook?

Why would it look
like the Babadook?

Why wouldn't it look
like the Babadook?

What the hell's a Babadook?

Fuck it, I'm doin' shrooms.

You know I think we should
keep our heads on straight.

- Louis!
- What?

I have glaucoma.

Fuck it, gimme that.

All right, Jess.

Fuck it, also.

Pour me a shot.

Hell yeah, party's

- They're already poured.
- Mm-hmm.

To the mysteries of the
world and survivin' them.

What the fuck was that?

- Oh fuck.
- Oh god.

Hold hold, we got a hit.

That's enough energy
to power a small village.

Coming from 30 miles away.

Hold onto your beakers, Wendy.

I didn't bring any beakers.

I say we should stay
here and wait it out.

But there's a
problem with Zachary.

Zachary Zachary.

Since when do you
care about him?

Now you have a shot with Jess.



That is so fucked up, Louis.

- Yeah.
- Definitely not cool.

Zach, are you okay?

- Yeah, no.
- Sorry.

No but I'm standing.

We're gonna get to
the hospital, okay?

So stay alive.



I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what
a jackass you are

when you're on the mend, okay?

The Schwinns!

Our old bikes?

Yeah, they should still
be somewhere in the barn.

Thought you said there
were monsters out there.

There's a monster in here.

This is madness.

Don't worry, I think I left
a six-pack in here somewhere.

Okay, there you guys go.

The bikes.

- I think if we split up.
- Found 'em!

Yeah, okay.

Wow, these bikes
do not look healthy.

Jess is right.

These things could
fall apart on us.

Hey guys, can you
come here and tell me

if I'm actually seein' a thing

or if this thing's a
manifestation of the shrooms?

Whoa, what is that?

It looks otherworldly.

Well careful,
it might be dangerous.

Bri, when did
your dad get into welding?

You're the
Bill Nye of the group.

What is it?

I don't know.

I've seen enough movies to say

with grave certainty
it's nothin' good.

Looks like
a giant football.

What happens when
this thing's all lit up?

Christ, don't touch it!

What is this?

A bomb?

Zach, no!

It ain't no Babadook.

Oh my god, it's an alien.

Oh my god, it's a real alien!

What are
you doing? Hurry up!

It's lightin' up!

Holy, I
wanna get an alien!

I can't believe
we just saw an alien.

I'm glad you're excited, Bri.

I'm so fucking happy
you have enough material

for your next science project,
but my boyfriend is dead.

And he may not have
been the best boyfriend,

but he was a human
being who I care about.

Sorry, Jess.

I get carried away.

You always get carried away.

Whether it's your fantasies
about building rockets

or taking too many gin shots.

Why don't you apply
some of that energy

to something with an
actual end result?

Jess honestly, my
condolences and all.

But can we please save
the personal grievance

for after we escape the alien?

Come on guys, let's pedal.


What if Zach was right?

What if that is a
bomb back there?

So, about that pedaling.


Oh, fuck me sideways.


Dude, a bomb!

According to Stephen Hawking:

If intelligent alien life
exists which apparently it does,

they'll most likely conquer
earth to exploit our resources.

That sounds terrifying.

So why are we stopped?!

That device had
a light meter on it

that was nearly powered up.

But what happens when
all the lights are lit?

It does whatever it
was designed to do,

whether that be a bomb or
some kinda matter decimator.

Isn't the latter just a
fancier way of sayin' bomb?

The point is:
Earth is in trouble.

You want us to go back?

Are you insane?

I don't know about you, but
I don't wanna die tonight.

Again, my condolences.

has to stop it.

That's what
the police are for, man.

We're 20 miles from town.

With these bikes, there's
not gonna be time.

Come on.


The universe is endless,

cold and impartial.

We exist because we fought

to be here.

The universe gave us a chance

and we grabbed hold.

We planted our flag in the
ground and said, "We belong."

We choose to belong to this

beautiful mess of chaos.

Survival isn't handed
to anyone or anything.


is fought for.

Did you just have that
speech in your back pocket?

Yeah, I did.


Help me apply my energy to
somethin' with an end result.

You're all insane.

Three eulogies, that's what
I'm gonna be writing soon.

I'm out, see ya.

- Aw c'mon, Louis!
- No, man.

Look maybe he's right, Bri.

Maybe we are insane.

What have we ever been
together but drunk?


You can count on my steel.

I'm in, too.

Yeah, Alex.

I figured as much.

The booze is still back there.


You know me so

Welcome to the armory.

This is a tool shed.

I know, just grab a weapon.


, okay.

Ooh, can
I get the saws?

I feel like
somebody should say

something witty and
battle-ready here.

Maybe we just defy that
cliche and save the world.

Let's poke some
holes in their plan.

- There it is.
- Yeah.

Let's say we kill
all these things.

How do we defuse the device?

Well Brian's a
mechanical engineer.

Yeah, I am that.


Approach slowly
or charge quickly?

Did that thing just disappear?

Are you okay?

That tree is all
bark and no bite.

Oh, bad puns.

He's okay.

That's a bad bump; I'll live.

I'd hate for little
Cammy, Ryu, Guile, Blanka,

Bison and Chun-Li to
grow up without a father.

- You have kids?
- You have six kids?

Are those Street
Fighter characters?

Seriously Alex, who
are you these days?

Some guy doin' what he
has to in this crazy world.

There's another one.

Oh shit.


There's only one.

What do you mean?
They're all over the damn place.


It's all over the damn place.

It can teleport.

Not so bad.

Just one alien.

They can teleport.

Maybe we need to rethink this.

Don't touch my friend,

you ET wannabe bitch!

Where'd he go?

Shit, I just know that

gonna pop up at any...

Jump scare.

Where's Jess?



Who are they?

Bad asses.

Are you guys all right?

More importantly, have
you seen a metallic device

with blinking lights?

Who are you?

This is Dr. Wendy
Barnes and I'm Chum.

We were hired to track
and kill that thing.

Hired by who?

I'm gonna let you
guess my next sentence.

Is it top secret?

- It's top secret.
- Yeah.

Put that thing down.

I didn't just shoot a
game-winning three pointer.

One last time, have you seen
a strange-looking device?

It's in the barn.

We should get them inside.

I'd like to interrogate them.


- You got anything to drink?
- Uh-huh.

Teleportation: That
explains why its blood cells

are actively electrical.

Thank you.

This thing literally
feeds off electricity.

Hence our romantic setup.

Of course it'll need
to keep its body charged.

So the government knows
about this thing, huh?

Never said anything
about the government.

Ah, sure because you can't.

But I mean, it's
obviously the government.

There's other groups out there

we've invested interest
in our planet's future.

Look, you don't have to
say it's the government.

We'll just all silently know.

And you were in the
fifth dimension with it?


Can I put this in your rectum?
I'd like to get a reading.


Fine then.

We got a teleporting
alien that can be injured,

therefore can be killed.

Yeah, but first you gotta
get it to stand still.

Man if I was sober, that
wouldn't even be necessary.

My reflexes are that
of a cobra.

I will decapitate that
mecha mean motherfucker

before it could teleport into
whatever dimension.

Too bad you're
never sober, Alex.

'Cause your reflexes
are for shit.


- What?
- Alcohol.

Yup, damn right.

No, alcohol slows
down your reaction time.

He's right, that's science.

Thank you.

But right now we
can't kill that thing

because we can't get a
clear shot at it, but...

If we get even more fucked up.

No, listen.

I know how we take
down this alien.

We get it drunk.

Hey, I'm totally
not gettin' the plan.

We get the alien drunk.

Like in party with it?

To slow down
its reaction time.


Each time the alien teleports,

its body feeds it electricity.

And if we slow
down that reaction.

We can put a
bullet in its brain.

This is all great, but we
have one major problem here.

How do we get it drunk?

I know, I know.

I know!

That been happening a lot?

Yeah, it's the device.

One more and that
thing's fully-charged.

Well we can't just march out
there and offer him a beer.

We won't have to.

I know that smile.

That's the Brian's
got a plan smile.

Brian's got a plan.

Thanks, mom and dad.

Ladies, gentleman.

I give you the Skaggs
hydroelectric beer bong.

Our alien will come
for the electricity,

but also get a belly
full of tub hooch.

All right people, let's move.

Don't linger.

You just make sure you hit it.

Oh, I'm gonna hit it

and then I'm gonna hit it.

- Okay.
- Cool.

You were right to say
that to me earlier

'bout not finishing
what I start.

Not sure why I always
get in my own way,

just my nature as a fuck up.

Bri, fuck ups are the
people that don't even try.

So if this bong
fails and we all die,

the lesson here is
at least I've tried?


Now, let's party.

Let's boogie.

Please do the honors, me lady.

Fuckin' shit.



Fuck me twice on a Tuesday.


Stay safe, Chum.

I can't believe
it actually worked.


He's taking the bait.


I was born to be bait.

Hey, Wendy!


- I forgot your name.
- Alex.

Yes, Alex?!

Let's explore this barn
and all the contents within!

Great idea!

I'll just pull this handle
and the door should open

and we'll be inside peeing
on anythin' we want!

- Gross.
- Eww, gross!

Chum, now!

Here's to paying my rent
for another six months.

We claim you, alien fuck.

He came back.

Yeah and fucked everything up.

True, but friendship first.

Yeah, I guess.

- Let's go.
- Yeah, yeah!

What the hell?

That was so dope.

Oh my god.

Look, I'm putting
the gun down.


Now you let Dr. Barnes go
and we'll leave, how's that?

Finish your business here
and we turn a blind eye.

Don't worry about me.

One for many.


No more weapons.

Totally weapon-free.

Just two empty hands with peace.



I'm so sorry.

It's beautiful.

I said I usually work alone.

I didn't say I liked it.

Any more douchebags
gonna pop out

and get someone else killed?

Why do I feel like that
was directed towards me?

Who is this Tomb
Raider-looking woman?

- What do we do now?
- Improvise.

You seem the least drunk.

You must be blind.

My pitchfork will do.

Looks like we're ready to go.

Hey, it means a lot
that you came back

even if you did
get Wendy killed.

First of all, why does
everybody keep saying that?

Because it's true.

No, it's not.

Yes, her blood
is on your hands.

I wasn't the one
that threw the knife.

It's not your
fault, but it is.

Anyway, what were you gonna say?

I just couldn't stop thinking

what the fuck was
I pedaling toward,

my optometry practice where
all the assistants hate me?

My wife who also hates me.

My kids who should be
way too young to hate me,

but I see it in their little
antichrist eyes, the fuckers.

Then I thought about what
I was pedaling away from,

the people who've always
been there for me.

No matter how much of a
pain in the ass I was,

I love you guys.

I don't know what's happening,
but I feel really weird.

It took Louis.

- Wait, Louis.
- Holy shit,

that was also really weird.

He's in the barn.

- Call dibs.
- Okay.

Please stop.

Louis, are you okay?

I'll just let the
visual speak for itself.

If I can't shoot him around
you, I'll shoot through you.


What are you fuckin' doing?

You're not killin' my friend.

Aw thanks, Bri.

- You got it, buddy.
- Fuck all y'all!

This is why I say I
usually work alone.

The fucker's behind
me, ain't it?


It's incredible.

It's gonna activate.

It's gonna activate!

Oh shit.

Fork me.


Jess, shoot him!

Eat my ass.

Eat my ass.

Finish him!


We did it.

We did it?

What, I don't get
credit for this?

Oh, that's messed up.

I sabotage everything
good in my life

'cause I'm terrified of failure.

I've been doin' it for
years in my career,

even longer with you.

I purposely date
guys I know won't last

so I don't have to be
vulnerable with anyone.

Guess we're a perfect
pair of fuck ups.

Do two wrongs make a right?

Well only one way to find out.

Some damn fine
work, kids.

Looks like I won't be around
to collect my payment, but

tell him you're with me.

He'll set you up.

You work for Big Oil?

Told you I wasn't
government, you dumb ass.

Why would an oil company
hire you to hunt down an alien?

That alien machine
you just shut down.

It wasn't a bomb.

So what, could it
open up a black hole,

expand matter, poison the air?

It's a carbon
dioxide extractor.

Sucks CO2 outta the atmosphere.

That little alien device

is meant to turn the
tide on climate change.

No, that doesn't
make any sense.

Big Oil would want
this thing activated

so they could keep
goin' business as usual.

Of course.

Think about how much
money can be made

if you hold the world hostage.

Once they dissect that thing,

they can create their own and
profit like motherfuckers.

You used us

like pawns in a corporate game.

Don't be so dramatic.

Corporations are people too.

Big Oil

ain't so bad.

Maybe she was right.

We've killed a
great humanitarian.

Well at least we
still have some beers.

Well happy birthday,

Light fuckin' beer.

Of course.


47 Baker, take three.

So we're already
landed, right?


nay-nays feel weird.

I mean I don't drink.

But when I drink, I drink.

No, we're high up.

We're pretty high.

I can tell.

Less oxygen.


I voted for Trump.

I like to masturbate with
my lab coat on.

Maggie hates postpartum
sex, but I like it.

- Sorry.
- Speakin' of farts,

I pood my pants

I had a pain in my balls and
I thought it was ball cancer.

It was just pain

in my balls.

You can see like the
burn marks and stuff.

Burn marks.


I don't know, man.

I think it's like
splittin' hairs.

- Which one?
- Both equal.

I don't...

No, one's better
than the other.

Don't show them to me again.

You want me to take
a pic of your dick?

The selfies are kinda tough.

Nah, it's okay.

I think I can manage.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Life or death, we're
leaving right now.



I farted.


Fuckin' dicks!


Fully erect.

The Schwinns!

- Our old bikes?
- Yeah.

They should still
be in the barn.


- She's in the barn?
- Who is that?

She's in the barn.

Can you swim?

No, I'm black.

I'm fallin' off.



push your tongue.

It'll help you to
just push you tongue.

One for the alien.

Happy birthday, man.

Oh, fuck!

Welcome to my place.

Got my entourage,
got my lights goin'.

You see my egg in the back.

You know I'm lit.

Don't mind the blood,
that's somethin'.

We're not gonna talk about that.

There's my sound guy.

You know I'm dope if I got
my own sound guy, right?