Used People (1992) - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

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[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[water gushing]

[door opens and closes]

[soft music playing on radio]



Some restaurant
I got going here.

Two meals a night.

Just once can't you get home
to eat with your family?

'I don't know what
to do with those two.'

'Norma's gonna end up beautiful.
Like a movie star.'

Nuts, just like
your Aunt, Doddy.

Wearing her stockings
over her shoes.

And Bibby, I don't know
what's gonna be with Bibby.

She don't sleep,
she's big as a house.

Plus that weird smell
she's got. You noticed?

Like bad cooking,
it smells like.

Like from far away,
like distant bad cooking.

I don't know.
She scrubs, it's just her.

[music continues]



What, Jack?

Shh.

- What are you doing?
- Shh.

What you lose at the track?

[music continues]

All of a sudden
you want to dance?

[Frank Sinatra singing
"Sky Fell Down"]

* The sky fell down *

* When I met you *

You haven't
danced with me in..

I don't think ever.

* The green of the countryside *

* Has turned to blue *

* I had the moon *

Pearl.

* Right on my fingertips *

* And when first we kissed *

* There were stars
on your lips *

* To be with you *

* Just made it seem *

Oh.

* That walking
on snowy clouds *

* Was not a dream *

* You gave to me *

* All this and heaven too *

* When the sky fell down *

* and I.. **

[dishes clattering]

Burned now. Just eat
around that part.

[siren blaring in distance]

[dishes clattering]

[engines revving]

[indistinct voice on radio]

(man on radio)
'The Mets lost the last
four games on the road trip.'

'Now they've
come home to Shea..'

Open a window.
There's no air in here.

Ma, I didn't introduce
you to Bill. He's a designer.

- 'Nice to meet you.'
- Yeah.

He's taking the expressway?
We'll sit in traffic.

Tell him to take
Grand Central.

No, you're way of out
of your way on Grand Central.

This is only bad
because of the water towers.

You're both crazy. Swing around
down to the Southern State.

He's gotta follow
the coffin.

(Al)
'At least Jack was
normal till he died.'

'Remember Uncle Manny with
the tubes and the dribbling'

'and the making little animals
with his cottage cheese.'

(Pearl)
'Al.'

Driver, you can
let me out right here.

Six feet from the gates,
you're gonna start this?

Leave her alone, Bibby.
We'll pick you up afterwards.

(Bill)
'We're getting out?'

(Bibby)
'She won't set foot
in a cemetery.'

(Norma)
'Excuse me.'

(Bibby)
'Why don't we drop
you off at the movies?'

(Pearl)
'Bibby, stop'

(Bibby)
'Who you're supposed
to be today Norma?'

(Al)
'Jackie Kennedy.'

'No, she's Judy Garland at
the end of, "A Star Is Born."'

(Pearl)
'Alright, enough.'

[indistinct chattering]

- Al, can you give me a hand?
- In a minute.

(Rhonda)
'When Jesus was crucified,
he was all blood and guts.'

'Three days later, he came back
from the dead out into the sun'

and he saw his
shadow on the ground

and that's how he
knew it was Easter.

(male #1)
'Look at them.
Would you look at them?'

She brought a date,
to her own father's funeral.

All class, my sister.

I know Pearl appreciates it.
Thank you.

Your son-in-law
was very loved.

I mean,
what a turn out.

I counted 96 at the service
and 51 at the cemetery.

[melancholic music]

[music continues]

What's that?

Its Jack's ring.
Just for a while.

It's too tight,
you'll never get it off.

You're gonna lose it.

[indistinct chattering]

Grandpa Jack
loved you very much.

'You had something special.'

'And you're never
gonna lose it. Remember that?'

'He didn't want you
to be the only boy there'

'without a father.'

'I had to rub liniment
on his back for a month.'

'When you were born,
he's the only one

'you'd let hold you
without crying.'

'He used to say to me'

'"I just hope I live long enough
to see what Swee' Pea becomes.'

'He's gonna be the one."'

It's okay, Grandma.

Grandpa's still here.

With me.

That's right.

How is she?

If she just doesn't think about
it too much she's alright.

Of course.

Oh God..

Why you? Why him?

What are you gonna do now?
You're all alone.

[sobbing]

You had enough
for one day, I think.

Here.

Lie down.

I'll bring you in
some soup and falafel.

We're not even?

If you call
$2.20 short even.

- We're even.
- 'What $2.20?'

(Becky)
'You don't remember
about the canasta?'

'Alright fine,
I don't say a word.'

Frieda
'I won at canasta.'
You couldn't get a hand.'

'As a matter of fact you
ended up owing me 85 cents.'

(Becky)
'I owe you?'

You have a very creative
way of looking at things.

- Here, alright, 85 cents.
- No. You don't remember?

I do, you wiped up
the floor with me.

- Here take your pound of flesh.
- Forget it.

- Keep it.
- Here! 85 cents.

- I said keep it.
- Thank you.

[instrumental music]

Do you remember
the smell Bibby had?

Oh, that was terrible.

Your mother asked
everybody what to do.

I told her to rub
some lemon juice on her.

When they did
she smelled like a filly.

Swee' Pea, what are you
doing to your arm?

You're gonna burst a blood
vessel. You listening to me?

Its grandpa.

He's made a force
field all around me.

And now no matter
what happens..

...no harm can
come to me.

'See, it doesn't
hurt at all.'

It's hardly even red.

Nothing hurts me.

I'm Superman.

[doorbell ringing]

Excuse me.

That hurt?

[doorbell ringing]

[indistinct chattering]

You are Norma.

I am Joe Meledandri.

I am so sorry
for your father.

Come in.

(Joe)
'Thank you.'

[indistinct chattering]

Excuse me.

I remember Jack told me once
I could have his Cuban cigars.

I could've sworn
he kept 'em here.

Yeah, he had handkerchiefs
I once admired.

I'm looking for Pearl.

- She's around.
- Thank you.

With Gibson, who can touch the
Cardinals? The Mets are a joke.

Kranepool's havin' a good year.

Excuse me..
Excuse..

Look at her.

'She wouldn't come
inside the cemetery.'

'She's not a well woman.'

'She dresses up like
characters in movies.'

I don't think she should
be raising a child.

- Excuse me.
- Here, you want a plate?

Lonnie, she lost a baby.
That can make anyone crazy.

Do you know she left
the baby taking a nap?

When she came back
he wasn't breathing.

Like that, one year old.

Next thing we know, she's goin'
to movies five nights a week.

It was very weird.

I used to think her other
kid Swee' Pea was normal.

Now he says
he's Superman.

Where is Pearl?

- Pearl?
- Yes.

I think she's
in the bedroom.

Thank you.

[sobbing]

Who are you?
You're looking for the bathroom?

Um, no, I just..

I have waited
so long to meet you.

Joe Meledandri.

I knew your husband
many years ago.

I'm so sorry.

- Thank you.
- Please.

Please.

- Here.
- Thank you.

But those tears are pearls.

Which thy love sheds.

And they are rich.

'And ransom all ill deeds'

'Not me.'

Shakespeare.
34th sonnet.

Who's that?

She's crying.

You alright?
I brought some soup.

- I'm alright.
- Who is this?

Excuse me. Joe Meledandri.
How do you do?

My sister's upset, Joe.
She needs rest.

- Oh yes.
- She'll feel better.

When she's not prancing
around this big apartment.

- Sure. Too many memories.
- What? Where's she going?

We want her to come
live near us in Florida.

You'll come too, ma.

- What?
- I never said yes.

What do you mean?
You wanna sit alone here.

Like a dog
the rest of your life?

How come
I didn't hear of this?

- What is she thinking?
- You were always a sneak.

I'm not moving.
Neither is mother.

Mother's in the room.
She can make her own decisions.

I'm not moving
to Florida.

Alright, she doesn't have to
make up her mind this minute.

Why put it off?

I don't see that
there's even a decision.

Don't bully me.

Bully you?
You heard this.

Shh!

Pearly, no one
is bullying you.

- 'What do you call it?'
- Never mind.

I don't need
this aggravation.

I'm only trying to help.
And now I'm a bully.

- That's not what she said.
- Excuse me.

I don't mean to be
inappropriate but..

I would be very honored

if I can take you
out for a coffee or a meal.

- Come again.
- 'What?'

To talk.

I lost my wife
not long ago

I think I could
be a good listener.

Mr. Meledandri, my sister's
been through a great deal.

Now I'm sure you're
intentions are very friendly.

But I don't think
it's in the best taste--

(Frieda)
'Best taste?'

She's not back five minutes
from Jack's funeral.

Who are you?

Are you cousin's
Minnie's kid, the gimp?

(Normy)
'Ma.'

What? I didn't see
him walk in.

Oh please.

This is what you want
to stay for? It's a different

world for you now,
you're by yourself.

With an elderly lady
and small children.

You don't have Jack
here to protect you.

- He's right about that.
- Of course I am.

[overlapping chatter]

- 'Yes.'
- 'Huh?'

(Frieda)
'What?'

I'd love to have
coffee with you.

You're very kind.

Benissimo.

(Ruthie)
'She got picked up at her
own husband's funeral.'

'Now I've seen everything.'

- 'And who is that?'
- 'I've never seen him before.'

(female #1)
'I've seen him on the Italian
side of the boulevard.'

(male #2)
'The Italian side?'

'What the hell were you doing
on the Italian side?'

(female #2)
'In two seconds flat.'

Next time, under
happier circumstances.

'Goodbye.'

Goodbye.

[dramatic continues]

Yeah!

He asked her out during
daddy's Shiva.

That's bad luck. That's
the kinda thing you get in a car

accident on the way to the date.

It's not like she's going
out on some hot date.

'Alright. Date, no date.'

Look, she asked me
to come by later to help

so I'll see you
then. Alright?

Bye.

* Then don't play with my heart
it makes me furious *

* Oh but if you want me
to love you *

* Then baby I will *

* Girl you know I will *

"You can't
mourn forever."

Ah.

[melancholic music]

[music continues]

Don't turn that off.

Your breakfast
is getting cold.

Swee' Pea.

Grandpa's here with me.

He needs me
for something.

He needs you to stop acting
so weird all of a sudden.

And eat your breakfast.

As long as he's watching,
no harm can come to me.

No harm can come to you?

I know you get that
from reading those comics.

When I was 12, I had
a little man named Skippy

that lived behind
my tongue and told me

to cut my sister's
hair off in her sleep.

Now eat.

(Norma)
'Bibby!'

- What?
- Hurry up already.

She's driving me
crazy up here.

I am waiting for
the signs to change.

It's 5:28.

[honking]

What's with her hair?

Not enough height.

She's a lightning rod.

Any higher
she could trip birds.

She needs a lot of height
to balance her hips.

She could balance Dumbo's hips.
She's six foot seven.

We'll dress the rest of you
down to make up for the hair.

You got some nice
plain earrings?

Perfect.

She should take
fashion tips from you?

How are you doing?

She's just a little bit
nervous about her date.

It's not a date.
It's coffee.

And I, I got
nothing else clean.

I don't know what she's
gotta see this guy for anyway.

Two weeks after
daddy's gone. It's weird.

And what's the worst
that'll happen?

Somebody might
have a good time.

Oh, meaning what? I don't
like to have a good time?

I don't like other people
to have a good time?

[doorbell ringing]

- Perfect.
- You look great.

You look like you've been
pickin' through garbage.

I came straight
from work.

[doorbell ringing]

I thought you
might need my help.

Will somebody get the door?

[instrumental music]

Bella.

Bella.

'It means beautiful, beautiful.'

- So you want to go already?
- Yes.

Please.

[music continues]

Ah.

[orchestral continues]

Oh, please, please.

[music continues]

You are very lucky to have
such nice, gentle children.

They get it from you.

President Hoover said..

"Children are the most
valuable natural resource."

Uh-hmm.

My mother Frieda says, "Better
you should have chickens.

At least chickens you can
eat when you're hungry."

Your daughters,
are they married?

Divorced.

- Both of them.
- That's too bad.

No. They'll find
the right person.

Every deckle
has a tepele.

What?

Every pot has a cover.

- Ah.
- They'll find theirs.

Hi there.
Hello there.

[music continues]

So how far we walking?
My lungs are in my throat.

I want to take you
some place special.

- In Queens?
- Uh-huh.

Hey, Joe, remember me?

Hello.

Theresa.

[speaking Italian]

I know, I said,
I'll have coffee and talk

but that was just
to shut my mother up.

I really don't have
time for a hike.

We are condemned to kill time,
and so we die, bit by bit.

Octavio Paz.

Please.

That's a cheerful thought.

Since we're dying, could I do
it in some comfortable shoes?

Why don't I go home, you can say
hi to rest of the neighborhood?

[chuckling]
Here we are..

It's a bar.

I don't get coffee
in a bar.

This is where
I met your husband.

Please.

[sighs]

- 'Hey, Joe.'
- Hey.

(Paolo)
'Joe.'

- Please.
- They know you here.

[chuckling]

My brother, Paolo.

Many years ago
he was the bartender.

'And I was the cook.
Now he owns the place.'

There are so many things
I did since I left Italy.

Merchant seaman,
school teacher.

I even played the
accordion professionally.

In Catskill Mountains.

You teach kids with that accent?

Paolo, he was
born in America.

It is him who gives me news
of you. And your family.

(Pearl)
'Well look,
what about Jack?'

You said you
met him in here.

Jack didn't drink.

- Fine.
- Hold on.

He came in one night.
He was in trouble.

In trouble?

He was in trouble
with himself.

- Oh.
- Let me do it in my own way.

Your way I could
miss Johnny Carson.

He told me he was
going to run away.

Leave just a note,
a few dollars and disappear.

[melancholic music]

You want to save
your marriage?

What?
By learning to dance?

To dance is to breathe.

Give life into
an empty heart.

I can't.

I'm leaving her this.
And I'm walking out the door.

(Joe)
'He was so upset.
Full of love.'

'Doing what he thought
was the right thing.'

'But then he told me
about his wife.'

'And when he did..'

'...he became a poet.'

'He talked about
a jewel full of fire'

'that had turned..'

...into a pair of big, wet eyes.

And no non-sense
get it done hence.

In the middle of Sunnyside

there was a damsel
in distress.

And no knight to save her.

This is crazy.

(Joe)
'So I said'

'"It's not too late.'

'Go home and dance with her."'

Dance with her?
I can't even talk with her.

This is ridiculous.

You don't know her,
you don't know me.

This woman you describe
I never met her but..

..I'm sure I'm right.

Why do you talk so crazy?
She'd laugh.

No. You know what she'd do?

She'd turn around to the stove
and bury herself in her cooking.

Not if you take
her hand like this.

Pull her.

Press her cheek
to yours. And..

* The sky fell down *

* When I met you *

* The green of the countryside *

* Has turned to blue *

* I had the moon.. **

(Joe)
'Then, I stood beneath
your window pane..'

'...when he took you
in his arms like a pearl'

'I saw it all.'

'You are not
a woman destroyed.'

'I saw a woman haunted'

'by the ghost
of her own grace.'

'And I fell hopelessly
and pointlessly..'

'...in love.'

[melancholic music]

And now for 23 years

I was haunted
by this vision of you..

...dancing in the wrong
man's arms.

[music continues]

- I have to go.
- No, please, wait.

I can't stay.

[honking]

[indistinct chattering]

My whole life

'I don't remember a day when
I could stay in bed till 2:30.'

'And get away with it.'

'Come on, you still have
a house to run.'

'And I'm too old
to run it for you.'

He quotes this one,
she quotes that one.

And that's a conversation?

You know, all your
kids are weird.

Me?

Your daughter's
a Jew for Jesus.

Did I say
I was perfect?

Remember I told
you at the Shiva

when the kids were all talking
about moving to Florida?

Yeah.

I hear it's nice there.
They have trees.

You need trees?
You're gonna climb them?

Look who's talking.
You can't even climb a stoop.

- You want a spoon?
- No.

The Deep dale
nursing home

is gonna be beautiful
when it's finished.

It's right up the block.

It's too humid in Florida.

- It's humid here too.
- Exactly.

So, who needs Florida?

Look who's back.
Where you been all day?

Out.

'I know out.'

'This is on "Weight Watchers?"'

I'm taking the kids
on a picnic.

I got 'em in
the car waiting.

You left the kids
in the car? That's not safe.

- They're fine.
- How do you know?

They could suffocate.

Did you open the window
so they could get some air?

They're not dogs, ma.

If they wanna have air they
can open the window themselves.

Besides they're
not alone.

I have a friend
down there with them.

(Pearl)
'Oh.'

'A male friend?'

Yes. A male friend.

'Umm. And he know
about the kids?'

He's sitting in
the car with 'em, ain't he?

Of course he knows
about the kids.

Anyway it's not like that.
He's a friend-friend.

A trip to Bendel's and
an hour at the beauty parlor

you'd be surprised how fast
a "friend-friend" could become

a-bring-him-home-to
meet-your-mother friend.

- 'What's his name?'
- Carl.

Carl, he's a Nazi?

- No.
- 'This is not a Jewish name.'

So that makes him a Nazi?
He's not a Jewish man.

You left him alone in a car with
Mark and Rhonda? What's he do?

If I knew third degree came with
the invitation to stay here.

I'd have never moved back.

What's he do?

He plays the zither.

Oh, the zither.

Now that's
a nice instrument.

Not too many people play
that instrument anymore.

Is there a large demand
for zither players nowadays?

Look, ma,
I really gotta go.

Fine, don't mind me
I just pay the rent.

You always do this.

You never have time
when I need to talk

But if I'm running
out the door..

Who's stopping? Go.
You got your kids down there

gasping for air with
a zither playing Nazi.

You're some prize,
you know that.

Alright you wanna talk?
Let's talk.

Why don't you tell me
about your new friend-friend?

Don't keep your kids waiting
too long with a stranger.

You can talk to him
all day in German.

[door closes]

Pearl. Please, Pearl,
listen to me.

I am sorry
for yesterday. I know..

You lose your husband and
right away I open my big mouth

and I upset you.
It was wrong and I apologize.

I never meant
to insult Jack's memory.

I don't blame you
for running away, please, Pearl.

Old man, I didn't leave
because I was angry.

I left because I wasn't.

And I don't know what
to do about it, okay?

Never will you
regret this day.

Pearl, I show
you the world.

I'll bring you
all that you deserve.

You, you don't understand.

I'm in mourning for my
husband of 37 years, okay?

So I can't see you.

I can't have coffee with you.

I can't talk to you
like this on the street.

I'm sorry but it's
just not right. Good bye.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

Come on, pay me
what you owe me.

55 cents I owe you.
I told you, write it down

then we won't have
all these problems.

Don't talk to me,
you don't write anything down.

(Frieda)
'I can't hold a pencil
from the arthritis.'

The heat.

The arthritis I've got,
you shouldn't know...

You are more gnarled.

You, I scare
the trick-or-treaters.

My thighs are stuck
to the bench.

My left eye
had a cataract.

I had to have it removed.

- Huh?
- Cataract?

They're very
painful, cataracts.

You see that needle
coming at your eye.

I've seen needles
that you'd faint from.

- I was a volunteer.
- I baked bread for Korea.

Your bread,
no wonder we lost.

- We did not lose in Korea.
- My bread?

[laughing]

We lost the war
because of the disease

Mrs. Know-it-all.

(Bibby)
'What disease?'

- The euthanasia.
- What you talking, euthanasia?

The disease.
I read it in News week.

All the youth in Asia
got the disease

where they get paralyzed
and, and..

And they want
the right to die

but the machines
keep them breathing.

'It's happening there.'

[sighs]

(Bibby)
'Three weeks, he's been
standing underneath her window.'

Don't say a word.
Just looks up.

I can't look up or turn
my head with this neck.

Look at him.

* Where are the words
to tell you.. **

I have been up all night.

Creating something for you.

'I have waited 23 years.'

I will wait no longer.
Excuse me.

[piano music]

* Where are the words
to tell you *

* All that is in my heart *

* How do you say
what words cannot say *

* How to even start *

* Can I describe my yearning *

* Looking into your eyes *

* Poets have ways
of making a phrase *

* I am not so wise *

* No words to tell you *

* No except to tell you *

* But where are *

* The words *

You wrote that about me?

What else is there
to write about?

Pearl, I want to ask
you a question.

Why me?

Make me a happy man.

Let me cook you dinner.

That's it?
That's what was so important?

I'm Italian, we take
cooking very seriously.

The Irish say
"There is no greater love

than the love of food."

Yeah, well,
look what they eat?

And let me cook
for your family too.

So, what do you say?

[slow instrumental music]

It's too soon.

I know.

But is there
really a time clock..

...for the memory of a husband?

A few months, a few years,
what's the difference?

You will feel this way
for the rest of your life.

As I will for my wife.

Please, its only dinner.

Why should you have to
cook for them every day?

Hmm?

Not too spicy,
we're Jewish.

We take gas very seriously.

[singing in Italian]

(Paolo)
He's drunk.

[indistinct chattering]

Well, my brother
always cooks drunk.

Because he believes that
the meal's poetry

is locked in the bottles,
so he drinks.

[singing in Italian]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[humming]

[indistinct chattering]

- 'Is he alright in there?'
- Sure.

(man on TV)
'The Mets are winning handily
here in St. Louis.

'On a sizzling
early July day.'

'And the promising rookie
Garry Gentry has great stuff.'

'And if the Mets
can win today..'

Hello?

(Paolo)
'Oh, hi.'

'Uh...you know
Vic and Eddie?'

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How you doin'?
- Hi.

- Here, please.
- Oh, thank you.

You're such a gentleman.

- So, who's winning?
- Mets. Three-one.

Oh, really, the Mets?

She's probably the first
woman who's ever sat

'and watched a game
with him in 20 years.'

I think, I better go save her.
Come on, Jessica.

[indistinct chattering]

[chattering continues]

Will you excuse me.
Just one minute.

Pleasure.

Paolo.

- Norma, right?
- Yes, right, Norma.

Norma, do you
play rummy-q?

- Do I what?
- 'My wife, Rose.'

She plays rummy-q
every Friday night.

'Do you know what
I do Friday nights?'

I don't care.

I go to the Run Around
you know.

It's a bar on First Avenue,
I go there.

'All alone.'

Did you know that
I'm a psychiatrist?

You don't say.

Very difficult
to...keep a secret desire

from a psychiatrist.

What winks and
screws like a tiger.

Ugh.

Rangoon, Port-au-Prince.

Your father's
so full of life.

Must have been great being
raised by someone like that.

I wasn't raised
by someone like that.

I had the best foreign
stamp collection of any kid

on my block from
something like that.

(Joe)
'Uh-huh.'

Smells great, papa.

[indistinct chattering]

I used to pretend
I lived everywhere.

When I was a little girl.

Paris, Singapore.

Now I'd be happy just
to get out of Sunnyside.

In Singapore they say

"Love is the food of life
but travel is the dessert."

(Rose)
'Hi, honey.'

(Joe)
'Sometimes I ask myself,
if I had a choice'

'would I do it again?'

Yes.

But next time
I'll bring my children.

[orchestral music]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

So this is where
you learned to dance.

I've never been
in a bar in my life.

And now twice in a month.

[melancholic music]

I wondered how long
it'd take me to become

one of those widows who talks
to their dead husbands.

What am I gonna do
about this Joe character?

The man's a foreigner.

Half the time I don't even know
what he's talking about.

[sighs]

Give me a sign, Jack.

Something.

Ladies and gentlemen, the muse
has been kind tonight.

Dinner is served.

[indistinct chattering]

[orchestral music]

What is this?

What is it, actually?

Give some to your brother.

Did you make this?

Small.

That's it.

This spumoni is
so delicate, Joe.

Do I detect a dash
of grenadine?

That's enough for us, missy.

You leave the seconds
to the skinny marinks.

[chattering continues]

[sobbing]

- What're you doing?
- I can't help it.

Pearl.

You can count your blessings.

I usually do it as soon
as I clear a course.

See that way, I got
all my dishes cleaned

and put away by the time
the meal's over.

Are you saying
you don't enjoy the meal?

Believe me, if I knew that
I had dirty dishes pilin' up

in my kitchen,
I'd enjoy the meal a lot less.

We gotta soak
those pans, Joe.

Otherwise that gristle
is never gonna come off.

It's not gristle,
it's Cacciatore.

Yeah. In half an hour
it's gonna be glue.

Okay.

No nonsense,
get it done hence.

Didn't take you long
to get Frank's tongue

hangin' out of his mouth.

- What?
- I saw you flirtin' with him.

Really, Norma. It's not enough
your marriage is busted up

you have to bust up
someone else's?

Boy are you off the mark?
He came on to me.

Ha ha. Right.

Look, it does happen
to some women.

Look, Bibby, I'm sorry.

But why do you always
have to start in?

Then I have to hit back
and it's just so stupid.

- We're grownups.
- Oh, I forgot.

I'm not the one who starts,
I'm the one who takes it.

That's right.
Only you're allowed to start in.

Only you're allowed to get
whatever the hell you want

your whole skinny perfect life.

Does the food magically jump
from the plate into your mouth?

Alright, alright.
We've drunk a little too much.

Come on, Norma.
Tell your sister you love her.

Joe, you're not my father yet.

Norma?

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,
"For ever minute.

"you're angry, you've lost
60 seconds of peace of mind."

And Norma Schulman says,
"Fuck Ralph Waldo Emerson."

In my family,
we don't use the mouths

that kiss our mothers
to spit garbage.

Alright. I knew this was
a bad idea. Go on, kids.

Go to the room.
Get all your things.

She just takes me by surprise.

She's alright. She just does
what she has to do.

- She has to make a scene?
- Don't start.

It's not normal
the way she acts.

I mean, look at her.

What kind of example
do you set for your son?

You know somebody
oughta smack you.

I'm sorry, but being fat
isn't the worst thing

that can happen to a person.

Sometimes, a smack on the tuchus
goes a long way.

Your husband,
may he rest in peace

'would have
learned that lesson.'

Oh yeah?

My husband never gave anybody
a reason to spit garbage.

Okay. Okay.

Stop giving me
the evil eye, you old bat.

All night long with that look.
Twit, twit, twit.

[speaking Italian]

[overlapping chatter]

What? What are you doing?

Are you really a psychiatrist?

Uh, yeah, sure.

- Come on. I need your help.
- What?

[speaking Italian]

Where's Swee' Pea?

(Bibby)
'I'm sure he's fine.'

Did anybody see him go
to the bathroom?

He went for a walk
with Frank.

I'll tell you another thing.

You didn't solve anything
by not going to daddy's funeral.

It was cruel
and you upset mommy.

- Bibby?
- 'She should have gone.'

You have the nerve to sit there

and say I've gotten whatever
the hell I wanted in my life?

Don't you dare tell me what I
should and what I shouldn't do.

Not until you bury a child.

Swee' Pea?

[speaking Italian]

(Frank)
'Alright, so we're here.
What're you gonna do?'

(Swee' Pea)
'This is the final test.'

'You're the doctor and
now we'll see if I'm crazy.'

(Frank)
Well, who says you're crazy?

Look, do you see that?

Yeah. So?

That's the third rail.
Thirty thousand volts.

- Hey! Wait!
- Don't worry.

- Nothing can hurt me.
- Swee' Pea, get back here.

Oops.

- It's okay, I'm Superman.
- No!

No!

[train whistle blowing]

Oh God.

Can you help me?

Yes. Yes, I can help you.

What if you can't help?

You're gonna be alright.
It-it's gonna be alright, buddy.

Please, no more,
no more tests.

Swee' Pea, you know,
you grabbed the cover.

The third rail
is very dangerous.

You're gonna have
to come to my office.

Promise you won't
tell my mother.

No. I-I have to.

No. I'll do it..

...when she's not
in a crazy mood.

Okay.

Why was everybody yelling
at each other tonight?

That upset you?

That's just how
this family is.

We yell.

But why do families
have to yell?

They don't.

We do.

Now go to sleep.

- Sweet dreams.
- Goodnight.

Goodnight.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- Same here.
- And here.

[orchestral music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

- Come on.
- Here, let me get it for you.

[indistinct muttering]

I cannot take this
air conditioner from that man.

He don't use it. It just sits
in the basement gathering dust.

It's a Carrier.
That's the best there is.

But I don't want it.
You take it back.

You kiddin'? I don't know
how I got it this far.

- I told you, use your back.
- Not the back, the chest.

Stick it on your head
for all I care.

Get rid of it, okay?

He feels bad
about the dinner.

An air conditioner?
Who won the sweepstakes?

It's from Joe.

When you live in Florida,
you can turn on the TV

if you want a soap opera.

(Lonnie)
'Florida?
Who's goin' to Florida?'

Listen, I think you gotta
tell your crazy brother.

Tell him yourself.
I'm just the delivery man.

(Lonnie)
'You're moving to Florida?'

All I said was the kids
mentioned it at the Shiva.

You don't hear.

So sue me, I don't hear.
I'm old.

You're not old,
you're gorgeous.

I'm not gorgeous,
but I have a sweet quality.

- 'You betcha.'
- I'm gonna go call him.

- 'Pearl, please.'
- Hello.

- Hi, ma.
- 'Bibby.'

I gotta talk to you.

Remember when
we had dinner at Joe's?

'Yeah, you know what he did, he
sent over an air conditioner.'

What? Look, ma.
This is serious.

- So is this.
- 'I gotta tell you something.'

You can talk to me later.

When do I ever call you?
It's important.

I gotta tell you now.

Look, you're under my feet
24 hours a day.

I have to talk to
on the phone too.

What's the number?

We didn't lose in Korea.
I fought there.

- Who told you we lost?
- No, I read it.

I didn't know I was gonna be
interviewed by Mr. David Frost.

- Oh!
- Oh-oh! Whoa.

I've been begging
Harry for one.

That's only the second one
in the building.

(Paolo)
'Pearl, please.
Stand here.'

He says he's missed
your last 23 birthdays.

It's wasted at his house.

It's delicious.

Well...well,
if it's gonna be wasted.

[sighing]
Hmm.

[spluttering]

[all exclaiming]

(Harry)
'Oh, nuts!'

[barking]

[instrumental music]

[barking]

[music continues]

(Joe)
'Don't do that, Swee' Pea.'

'Swee' Pea?'

'Ha ha, Swee' Pea, come here.'

Grandpa used to make me people
challahwith cream cheese.

I could talk to him
about anything.

And he'd never tell.
Not even my mother.

Sounds like he was
a very special man.

(Swee' Pea)
'Doctor Frank says I just
want him to protect me'

'because I miss him.'

Doctor Frank?

You speak to him a lot?

My mother doesn't know.

'Come here.'

Put your hand here.
Like this.

Ah.

Now, I'm going to show you
an old Italian folk song

that was taught to me
by my great grandmother

in Palermo
when she was 98 years old.

Are you ready?

[accordion music]

[music playing on radio]

Um.

And where'd you get that?
As if I didn't know.

Joe's gonna give me lessons.

His mother won't like it.

Ah...makes them iron better.

Uh-huh.

So? Can I keep it here?
Please?

Okay, go stick it
in the bedroom closet.

Best way to the cow
is through the calf, huh?

Pearl.

I caught him trying
to get a dog to bite him.

Oh. What are you up to now?

I know this is not my business.
And Jack never would have told.

But some things should not be
left in the hands of children.

And suddenly you wrote
the book on raising children?

So he acts strange. I've got
news for you, so do you.

Pearl.

You worry about your family,
we'll take care of our own.

You know, he sees a psychiatrist
behind his mother's back.

What?

My son-in-law.

Pearl, it's like a break in
my heart to bring you bad news

but this is not acting strange,
this a little boy in pain.

I've raised kids a lot
of years, okay?

I did too.

But I did it in person.

The Tibetans say, "If a man
shuts his eyes during the day

he cannot sleep
in peace at night."

Enough, I think I know better
how to handle my own family

than the Tibetans or you.

And that's why I told you.

There're some things
that shouldn't be left

in the hands of children.

Look, ma.
He's my kid.

Right, now some witch doctor has
got him strapped to a couch.

He's not strapped to anything.
He's goin' because he wants to.

Why? He knows I'm here.

But who the hell knows
who you are?

When he looks, he don't know
if he's seein' his mother

or Zsa Zsa Gabor.

'I'm sorry, Norma.'

(female #3)
'Come on, lady.'

Look, I got a rock in my heart
with what you went through.

'I think I've kept the kid
gloves on a little too long.'

[indistinct chatter]

[man on radio]
'In stadium history, the Mets
and Cubs, every game a sellout'

'Jerry Koosman won the first
game and Tom Seaver, the second'

'so the Mets..'

Grandma, Mark threw the ball
in the water. Can I go get it?

No, you just ate.
It hasn't been an hour.

- Okay.
- Your turn.

Could you go get it?

Alright, I'll get it.
Where is it?

- Bon giorno.
- What are you doing?

Why don't you roll up
your pants?

I was in a rush.

Why? Got some more news about
somebody else in my family?

No.

[sighing]
I talked to Norma,
in my own way.

A mother knows
what to say.

And this is the way?

Why they didn't come
in the pool?

Jews don't swim.

They can't eat at the same time.
Their hair gets wet.

It had to be 90 degrees to get
those people in the water.

You're beautiful, beautiful--

Bella, bella.
Yeah,I know.

Eh, is this so weird..

...for somebody to wait 23 years

for someone
they don't even know.

I'm not Nana Turner,
you know.

I don't like blondes.

[speaking Italian]

Absence diminishes
little passion

but increases great ones.

Like the wind
blows out a candle

but fans a fire.

[speaking French]

So you speak French.

'You are more than beautiful.
You are the morning dew.'

The joy in the baby's laughter.
You are the sun in the sky.

[laughing]
It's enough already.

I'm not the sun in the sky.

'You're right.'

You were not..

...until you smiled.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Oh, my God!

[music continues]

Two, bam.

Ahem.

[opera music on radio]

[humming]

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Pearl)
'Chicken's ready.'

I'm not hungry.

What?

I'm not hungry.

I'm movin' to California.

You're what?

Me and the kids.
We're movin' to..

Where are you goin'?

You mind if I sit down?

I've been on my feet
for the last 56 years.

I have to, ma.

There's nothing for me here,
you know that.

Oh, I see.

I thought about it a lot.

I already lined up a job.
An apartment.

So when were you planning
to tell me?

Or was I supposed to figure when
you stopped showin' for meals?

Every time I tried
to talk to you

I either can't get up the nerve
or else you start hawkin' me

and I never seem to get it out.

[sighing]
So, Bibby, when are you
planning to make this move?

Tomorrow morning.
We're driving across.

And please, don't call me
"Bibby" anymore.

Why not?
What's wrong with Bibby?

I've asked you
to use my real name.

Barbara?

No, Bibby's a perfectly
good name.

Bibby is not a name, ma.

It's what an infant uses
to keep food

from drooling down
its shirt.

You might as well know

my last name isn't
Berman anymore either.

It's LaSalle.

Barbara LaSalle.

Well? Aren't you gonna
say something?

I'm speechless.
I'm struck dumb.

Bibby Berman is a fat,
unhappy little girl.

I deserve a beautiful name, ma.
Like...Simone Signoret.

- She's French.
- Or Brigitte Bardot.

She's also French.

Besides Brigitte Bardot probably
means Bibby Berman in French.

Forget your name.

You wanna change something,
buy a decent dress.

Look, I don't know why you're
taking this personally.

I'm not takin' it personally.

If you wanna change
your name, fine.

It's just when you
got a humpback

why spend money
on a nose job?

- What?
- Hm.

You are a piece of work, ma.

Oh, would you ever say
somethin' that mean to Norma?

Do you even know
that it's mean?

What's mean is you shovin' in
my face how your father's name

a man who would walk
through fire for you

is not good enough
for you.

Why? Apparently, it's not
good enough for you either.

How dare you?

No. How dare you?
How dare you, ma?

How dare you treat Norma
like some goddamn tragic beauty

and not even call me
by my real name?

- All you ever did was poke fun.
- That is not true.

You told people I smelled, ma.

Big joke, huh?

Yeah, that's a riot
to a 10 year-old girl.

Well, I have my kids.

I would never poke fun
if they were hurtin'.

But you-you got one kid
livin' in a fantasy world

and another kid running
clear across the country

just to get away from you.

You're so scared to face
yourself alone in the mirror

you're kissin' strangers in
front of the whole neighborhood.

Well, I'm goin' to California.

Maybe I'll make mistakes just
like I did when I married David

but you can just save your
put-downs and your big advice

because I refuse to let you
keep me from trying.

Since when could I ever stop you
from hurtin' yourself?

Jesus!

You just don't get it, do ya?

No, I don't get it.
I don't want to get it.

I don't wanna know so much,
Bibby, I never did.

What good would it do me, huh?

I'd still have some lunatic
Italian tellin' me

I should run off with him

and a husband
who'd have left me

if he didn't learn
to dance in some bar.

Not to mention,
two divorced daughters.

Mm-hmm, go.

You wanna go? Go.

It's not the first time
I've been abandoned.

Daddy's dying
was not abandonment

it was dying.

What's your excuse?

That I wasn't here for you
when your marriage failed?

And you moved back home with
your two kids into my apartment?

You want me to say everything
is my fault?

I'm not gonna do it.

You think I was mean to you?

You think I didn't do
enough for you?

I'm sorry, but I had couple
of other things on my mind.

Like a depression
and the war.

And your father,
God bless him

sleepwalking through
your whole childhood!

God forbid, I should know myself
the way you know yourself.

God Forbid, I should ask myself
those questions.

Like what happened to my life?
Did I deserve more?

Did I ever for one second
get as much as I gave?

God forbid, I should ask
those questions

because if I looked
inside myself

and I really saw what I shut out
for my whole life

what I really missed, then come
from out of me such a rage

it would blow
this building apart

and it would blow you
into a million little pieces

and it would blow Queens
of the face of the goddamn map.

[glass shattering]

[instrumental music]

- 'Hello, Benjamin.'
- 'Oh, hello.'

- 'May I sit down?'
- 'Of course.'

[audience laughing]

- 'How are you?'
- 'Very well.'

[audience laughing]

(actress)
'You don't have to be
so nervous, you know?'

(actor)
'Nervous? Well,
I am a bit nervous.'

'I mean it's pretty hard
to be suave when you're..'

- 'Did you get us a room?'
- 'What?'

- 'Have you got us a room yet?'
- 'I haven't. No.'

'Do you want to?'

[audience laughing]

Shh.

(actor)
'Well, I don't. I mean I could
or we could just talk.'

- 'You want me to get it?'
- 'You? Oh no. No, I'll get it.'

(actress)
'Do you want to get it now?'

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

* And here's to you
Mrs. Robinson *

* Jesus loves you more
than you will know *

What's new, tiger?

Well, well.
Norma Schulman.

* Heaven holds a place
for those who pray *

* Hey hey hey *

* Hey hey hey *

[growling]

You don't have to be
so nervous you know.

- I'm not nervous.
- You want to get us a room?

- Uh, alright.
- Do you want to get it now?

Um...yeah.
I'll get it now.

Do you want me to get it?

No, no. I'll...I'll get it.

Why don't you get it?

* Our nation turns
its lonely eyes to you *

* Woo woo woo.. **

Such a pleasant room.

Do you have an ashtray?

Oh, I forgot.
The track star doesn't smoke.

- What?
- What's wrong?

Mrs. Robinson..

...you're trying to seduce me,
aren't you?

No, I hadn't thought of it,
but I'm flattered.

No, "The Graduate."
That's where I've seen this.

Well, what do you know
about that?

Will you unzip my dress?

Do you want me to seduce you?

Is that what you're trying
to say to me?

I don't know. I mean,
I just saw that movie, um..

Mrs. Robinson,
you're my parent's friend.

I'm in love
with your daughter.

Bring me my purse.

Uh, no, I'll...I'll leave it
at the top of the stairs.

Now I'm getting pretty tired
of all this suspicion.

If you won't do me
a simple favor

then I don't know what.

You know, you do this well.
This is, this is terrific.

[moaning]

'Uh, what are those for?'

Are you sure
this was in "The Graduate?"

I-I-I got it.

I, uh..

I think you have this
mixed up with another movie.

Perhaps, uh, a foreign movie.

Ow!

'What's that for?'

Alright.
Um, let me out of these things.

I'm serious.
Where's the key, Norma?

Let me go.

Ow!

'What are you crazy?'

You are the doctor,
doctor.

Now, I want to know..

...what does my son say
to you in that office?

Ow!

What? Are you kidding me?

Do I look like I'm kidding,
numbnuts?

I want to know what he tells you
and what you tell him.

It's unethical.
Ow!

Unethical?

I know what you guys do.

Do you really think I would let
you rub your dirty little hands

all over my son's brain?

Swee' Pea is fine.

Why is it that as soon as
someone has just a little bit

of imagination,
suddenly they're crazy?

Now, first off,
I want you to swear

that you will never
see my son again.

- Well?
- I can-I can't.

Well?

Ow! Alright, I promise.

- Good.
- Ow!

Oh.

[Frank groaning]

Oh my God.

Ow!

Ah!

[instrumental music]

I don't use Tupperware.
I can't get it to burp.

I only use it to freeze.

Oh, I don't think, you're
supposed to freeze Tupperware.

Who says?

I don't know. I read it.
Family Circle.

Alright, I've seen it.

- Now, let's go.
- Oh, no, no, you promised.

Don't you wanna see
where I'm gonna live?

Even you might like it.

Isn't this place near
where you were mugged?

I wasn't mugged.
I gave it to him.

- He had a knife.
- That's why I gave it to him.

- That's mugging.
- No.

Mugging is when they
take it from you.

Oh. You're getting technical.

Come on.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Aah!

[speaking French]

(female #4)
'May I help you?'

'Are you here
for the open house?'

I'm Muriel Jacobs.
What's your name?

You have to jiggle the handle.

Are you alright?

Wait here.

- Leave me alone.
- Leave me alone.

- 'Don't imitate.'
- 'Don't imitate.'

- 'Get off me.'
- 'Get off me.'

- 'Mark.'
- 'Mark.'

(Rhonda)
'You're such a baby.'

- Bibby, what a..
- I'm leaving.

(Bibby)
I, uh..

I just stopped by
to say..

I don't know..

...you scared me when
you showed up, Joe.

'But I think I understand now.'

You wait and you wait
and you could only wait so long

till you gotta try
and make your life..

...I don't know, like, the way
you see it in your head.

I learned that from you.

'Have you talked
to your mother?'

I can't explain that to her

'cause she thinks
it means I don't love her.

'Yes, I know.'

You..

'...you may be
the only one left'

'with a chance
of breakin' through.'

Yes.

And if you ever do, please,
tell her I love her.

I do, but...I gotta do it
from a distance.

Uh, Bibby? Bibby?

The air conditioner.
Is it still broken?

Yeah.

- Are you crying, mommy?
- Come on. We gotta go.

- Where are we going now?
- We're going to California.

Yes, we're going to California.

Oh!

[instrumental music]

He must've had
a hundred ties, huh?

Altogether they weren't worth
more than a dollar.

[music continues]

Well, Taylor,
you had some cheap taste.

[music continues]

* The sky fell down *

* When I met you *

* The green of the countryside *

"Didn't know
you were so sentimental."

* I had the moon *

* Right on my fingertips *

* And when first we kissed *

* There were stars
on your lips *

* To be with you *

* Just made it seem *

* That walking on snowy clouds *

* Was not a dream *

* You gave to me *

* All this and heaven too **

(Harry)
'Give me a wrench.'

- 'One wrench.'
- 'Which one?'

(Harry)
'Give me the bigger wrench.
C'mon, give me.'

(Normy)
'Stop banging it.
You'll break it.'

'I know that
there's a flange here.'

(Harry)
'You don't even know
what a flange is. Look.'

This little thing.
Look, can you bend..

(Normy)
Stop banging the damn..

- 'It's crooked, Harry.'
- 'You're crooked.'

[Pearl sobbing]

Pearl?

How many times have we
broke over the years?

'What kind of idiot would
leave 300 dollars in a shoe?'

The kind who wants you
to find it after he's dead.

You know, Pearl, it wouldn't
make such a bad dowry.

[doorbell ringing]

Did they call the repairman?

You know how much
those guys get?

I know what you're going to say,
"It's too soon. It's too crazy."

You know what I say?
"Who the hell cares."

Grab him.

And hold on to him
until your knuckles are raw.

Don't wait till you're 80..

...and alone to realize
how precious life is.

- 'Why not? It's our right.'
- 'Bravo! Terrific.'

He won't quit.

No, he just won't quit.

- 'Man, terrific.'
- Bravo.

- Okay.
- Great.

- Ten seconds he took.
- Didn't even use a wrench.

Perhaps we could talk alone?

- Pearl, that--
- No.

My life has always made
sense to me.

It's not glamorous.

I haven't been a
merchant singer.

I don't know
how to play the accordion

but I always thought
I knew just enough

that I needed to know.

Turns out I-I was wrong.

You were right.

So you want a price?

Here.

Don't sentence me
for another man's crime.

I'm here. Now.

I don't have to sentence you.

You make no sense
in my life already.

Too much sense is not good.

That's true for you, Joe,
because you're a little boy.

So why don't you just do what
you do best and run away?

Because I love you.

I love you.

I can't say it any other way..

...but, Pearl, I think
you'll never hear me.

It's about time
you got home.

- What's she talking about?
- I don't know she's..

I didn't hear you leave
this morning.

I knew I raised a weirdo..

...I never thought
I raised a snake.

- Hey, Swee' Pea.
- Everybody's looking.

Oh! Well why don't you go
complain to Dr. Frank?

Oh that's right, I forgot.

You can't.

Because I've had a long talk
with Dr. Frank.

And I've cancelled
all your appointments.

Swee' Pea, he's a quack.

- Leave me alone.
- He can't help you.

Ma, is Swee' Pea by you?

When?

No.
Maybe he's on his way home.

Bye.

[dramatic music]

I'm sorry.

[music continues]

[women shouting]

- You go back.
- Look out, Joey!

[indistinct shouting]

Oh!

[indistinct]

[speaking Italian]

Let's go, huh?

Oh, what you really think
grandpa was gonna protect you?

He did.

He sent Joe.

Stop it!
This is not a game anymore.

What is your problem, Swee' Pea?
Talk to me!

Why are you so crazy?
Why do you have to be so crazy?

Give me a break. So I'm a little
bit crazy, so what?

'No one else's mother is.'

Oh yeah? Stop a few people
on the street.

and ask if their mothers
are crazy.

- See how many say "yes."
- 'But you're really crazy.'

Alright. So I'm crazy.

That's what makes you think that
grandpa made you invincible?

- No.
- 'Then what?'

He needs me.

I need you.

I don't care.

'You have to care.'

But I'm afraid of you.

[chuckles]
Afraid of me? Why?

'Leave me alone.'

No. Why are you afraid?

When I act like I act

it is just so I can get out
of bed in the morning.

Don't you understand?

I had something terrible
happen to me.

It happened to me too!

Michael died on me too!

Daddy left me too!

Everything that happened
to you, happened to me.

And you went crazy.

And now I'm crazy.

Just like you.

Sweetheart..

Listen to me.

It's not something that you
catch like a cold.

You're not me.

You are the bravest

sweetest little boy
in the whole world.

And I would never let
anything hurt you.

Especially not me.

So you can play
the accordion.

You can see a doctor.

You can do
whatever you need to.

We'll work it out.

But just stop pulling
these stunts, Swee' Pea.

I'm begging you.

Okay?

I'm sorry.

You don't have to be
Superman anymore.

Oh.

- Thank you.
- For what?

- For being a mensch.
- Of course.

What is a mensch?

A man.

A good and decent man.

Anybody would
have done the same.

Pearl...marry me.

Is that the last bottle
of that wine?

Marry me.

Marry you, Joe?
You don't even know me.

And I don't know you either.

What do you want to know?

Make a list.

Alright. How come you
never talk about your wife?

Well..

...she was older than me.

She wanted to have children
before it was too late.

She liked the way
I said mio caro.

My dear.

But she always knew
this was not the real thing.

Pearl, you are the real thing.

You're not Jewish.

And I can't help it,
I find that very uncomfortable.

And you're not Italian,
so what?

I love you.

This is most important.

I'm too old.

And I'm not strong enough
to face a whole 'nother life.

No, let me be strong.

I'm a safe place.

'No where's a safe place.'

'There are no guarantees.'

- I'm a guarantee.
- 'Stop, Joe.'

You talk and you talk.

And I know what you want to do

is make me feel things
I've never felt before.

But when am I gonna find

your note saying
you just decided to leave me.

You wanna give me a guarantee?

You guarantee me
you're not gonna die.

Not before me.

(Joe)
'Pearl.'

Pearl..

...I cannot tell you the future,
but I can tell you this..

...and when death comes,
to take me away from you

it better command

because I'm not leaving.

Like Charlie Chaplin said,
"I cannot die."

"Who would God have
to play jokes on?"

You have this stuff written
on your hand?

Me? What about you, huh?

Deckles and tepeles
and tweet tweet?

That's different.
My mother taught me those.

(Joe)
So?

So I know my mother personally

you don't know Charlie Chaplin.

That's got nothing
to do with it.

And I know,
I know the only fool

bigger than the one
who knows it all

is the person
who argues with him.

You can't chew with
someone else's teeth.

See, this poet thing
ain't so hard.

Ah-h..

...not every food
is worth chewing.

[speaking Italian]

Even cheap borscht is a blessing
for the toothless.

Are all your
mother's quotes?

And about teeth.

Yeah. Well, she is almost 80,
they were on her mind.

So..

You haven't actually
said, "Yes."

Pearl, you'll marry me?

This you won't believe.

She told me she won't marry me
until we sleep together.

- She said that?
- Yeah.

Yes, but she means
sleep sleep.

Her and Jack,
they didn't fit together.

For 37 years,
she couldn't get comfortable.

I think she's waiting.

Waiting for a sign
that it's alright.

No. Are you nuts?

She wants to check
the merchandise

before she plunks
her money down.

- You think?
- Sure.

She's a lady.
She's being subtle.

What's she's supposed to say,
come on over and hump me

'and if it works
it's yours for life.'

'Here's what you do..'

...when you get into
bed with her..

...you sigh.

Sigh?

Rapturously like her beauty

is so breathtaking
you have to swoon.

You are crazy.

'Alright, then do
one of your quotes.'

No, I think she's sick
of the poets.

Then I'm telling you, sigh.

Try it.

[sighs]

No, not like you stuck your feet
in the tub of hot water.

Like words fail you.

Sigh..

...for her lovely long neck.

[sighs]

For her fine tapered fingers.

[sighs]

Her full welcoming breasts.

[sighs]

Maybe don't use that one,
she's old, it's scary.

Paulo, look!
They're comin' up.

(man on TV)
'Hey, Neil. We can see you
coming down the ladder now.'

(Neil Armstrong)
'I'm at the foot of the ladder,
the LEM footpads are only..'

Paulo, this is an age
of poetry..

...and miracles..

[indistinct chattering]

(male #3)
'They're coming down the ladder.
Look, now they're coming down.'

(female #5)
'It's happening..'

I can see them.
Look, I can see them.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

(Neil Armstrong on TV)
'And I'll step off
the ladder now.'

'It's one small step
for aman.'

'One giant leap
for mankind.'

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

You alright?
You need a bicarb?

No.

[sighs]

I don't want you to take
this personally

but you have
some very peculiar habits.

Like taking advice
from foolish old men.

Goodnight, Pearl.

Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

And then the priest is gonna say
something about Jesus

and then you have to say

"our father who art in heaven."

"Our father who art in heaven."

"Hallowed be thy name."

"Hallowed be thy name."

"Lead us not
into Penn Station."

"Lead us not
into Penn Station."

I beat you by ten minutes,
you took Southern State?

Sunrise Highway.

Sunrise Highway? Are you crazy
there's a million lights.

I got a radio.
I don't mind the lights.

Harry, I look okay?

Come here.

* Moon over Miami *

* Shine on my love and me *

* So we can stroll *

* Beside the role
of the rolling sea *

* Moon over Miami **

What do you want?

I want you to come
with me to Florida

- What?
- You heard me.

The house is big.
There's an electric oven. Come.

You want that?

Of course I want that.

The toilet is quiet.

You won't have
to jiggle the handle.

I had Ruthie try it out.

What do you say?

I say, you're crazy.

All of a sudden,
she wants me to come to Florida.

(Aunt Ruthie)
'Oh my God!'

You look just like
you were at 22.

You look beautiful.

(Aunt Ruthie)
'Like some kind of princess
in a fairy tale.'

So, I saw the rabbi.
Where's the priest?

He's around.
Hippies, the both of 'em.

Nobody else would do it.

Tell me..

...do you know anything about
some present from Joe?

A groom don't give
the bride a present.

I don't wanna hear it.

I took the Expressway. Okay?

I took the Expressway.

[chuckles]

[sighs]
It's about time.

Oh, you look so handsome.

'Where's your mother?'

Don't worry, grandma.
She'll be here soon.

She had something she had to do.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

So tell me..

...is there ever a moment
in all this time

when you didn't think
that this day would come?

Do you want
to know the real truth?

Not one single solitary second.

- Daddy! The present's here.
- Oh.

(Paolo)
What?

(Pearl)
Forgive me, Jack.

[instrumental music]

You were my present?

Joe wanted me at the wedding.

I wanted you at my wedding

So where are the kids?

Locked in the car,
suffocating.

I'm kidding.

They're inside.

So how's California?

I like it.

We'll talk.

Good luck, ma.

You deserve some happiness.

Thanks.

Grant this stubborn
old lady one wish.

'What's that, ma?'

I gotta call you "Bibby."

Not when anyone's around.
Just when we're alone.

I don't know any Barbara.

See ya out there.

By the way,
just so you remember.

Daddy changed his name when
he came through Ellis Island.

I mean, really,
what does it matter anyway?

You really do look beautiful.

You too, my kid.

They're eating
before the ceremony.

You stop them.

Mets gonna win the Series

and my mother wouldn't let me
listen to it in the car.

What's the score?

It's tied.

Three up.
Top of the eighth.

I don't think you remember
Aunt Louisa

when we went for dinner
at Uncle Paolo's bar.

[indistinct chattering]

No. No.

[sobbing]

You in there?

You decided yet?

(Becky)
'Could you give me
five minutes please?'

You saying this the way it would
be the whole time in Florida?

'No. There are two bathrooms
there. You'll never see me.'

I enjoy seeing you.

But not in the toilet.

Alright, I'm leaving.

(Becky)
'Why didn't you ask me before?'

Because I was afraid.

Afraid I'd say no?

'Afraid you'd never be able
to make a change'

'after all these years.'

But I saw that Deep dale, Becky.

Then, I look at what Pearl
is doing and how brave she is.

And I don't wanna send the rest
of my life waiting to die.

Shh.

I know you don't want heaven..

...but we're running outta time.

Seventy-two years
I know you.

It'd be nice to have a good
old friend there at the end.

You mean it?

I said it.
So?

So?

'What do you think?'

What do I think?

I think the next time somebody
offers me a toilet

where you don't have
to jiggle the handle..

...and a bunch of cockamamie
palm trees..

...I'm gonna say..

* Moon over Miami *

* Shine on my love and me **

You're not gonna flush?

Oh leave me alone.

[chuckling]

- Well?
- Mom, you look beautiful.

Just like everybody else.

Yeah?

Well do me a favor.
Just stick by me, alright?

[indistinct chattering]

- Hey.
- What?

- Why don't you sit down?
- But we just got..

Look, Rose, sit down.
Find a table, I'll come back.

Alright, you wanna go with me?

I'll come with you, mom.

You look beautiful.

You look great.

- Calm down. It's no tragedy.
- It is.

- So what if there's no music?
- It's just nerves.

Okay, you can relax,
Norma's here.

Oh, the groom isn't supposed
to see the bride

before the wedding.

(Joe)
'Did you hear me?
What's wrong?'

The musicians are stuck
with a flat on Taconic Parkway.

The Taconic?

They should've taken
the Saw Mill.

No, the Major Deegan is faster
than the Saw Mill.

What are you talking about?
They had a flat.

No it's alright.

I can sing "Oh Promise Me."

- Oh God.
- Oh no.

Fine. So get married
in deathly silence.

Don't worry.
There will be music.

(Pearl)
'How?'

His accordion's only
two minutes away.

He's hardly had any lessons.

What's he gonna play?
Scales? "Three Blind Mice?"

He's very good.

He's got a gift.

(Norma)
'You don't wanna
embarrass the kid, Joe.'

Look at that face.

(Pearl)
'You wanna do it, sweetheart?'

Yes, grandma.

To have you play at my wedding

would be the crowning glory
of the day.

It's something
I'll never forget.

I only know one song.

Good, it'll be short.

Now go get your accordion.

(Paolo)
Ready?

[indistinct chattering]

Welcome to our family.

[indistinct chatter]

(Joe)
'Bella.'

'Bella.'

I'll see you out there.

[accordion music]

[music continues]

[indistinct]

Thank you.

Do you
Giuseppe Federico Meledandri..

Uh-huh.

(rabbi)
'...take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife'

'to have and to hold
in sickness and in health'

'till death do you apart?'

I do.

(Priest)
'And do you'

'Pearl Judith Berman,
take this man'

'to be your
lawful wedded husband'

'to have and to hold
in sickness and in health'

'till death do you apart?'

I do.

Then in the sight of God
and by the power vested in us

by the state of New York..

(both)
The Mets
won the Series! Yes!

[screaming]

Yes!

(rabbi)
'By the power..'

'By the power..'

'...vested in us
by the state of New York'

'We now pronounce you
man..

(Priest)
'And wife.'

Oh.

[instrumental music]

You may kiss the bride.

[crowd applauding]

[laughing]

(rabbi)
'You have to break the glass.'

The glass.

[glass shattering]

[crowd cheering]

[gasps]

(girl #1)
'I'm sorry.
Are you alright?'

'Here. Let me help you.'

Please God.
Don't let us be related.'

* The sky fell down *

* When I met you *

* The green of the countryside
has turned to blue *

* I had the moon *

* Right on my fingertips *

* And when first we kissed *

* There were stars
on your lips *

* To be with you *

* Just made it seem *

* That walking on snowy clouds *

* Was not a dream *

* You gave to me *

* All this and heaven too *

* When the sky fell down *

* And I met you **

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]