Urzila Carlson: Overqualified Loser (2020) - full transcript

Make some noise,
welcome to the stage...

Urzila Carlson!

You guys!

See? This is why...

This is why people love Australia.

'Cause you guys
are just off the fucking nut.

Just quickly, before we start...
I just--

I feel like I want to share something
with you.

'Cause sometimes, right,
audiences will send me gifts.

Like, not this audience.

Honestly,
sometimes audiences bring me gifts,



and then they give it to the usher

and the usher will bring it backstage

and then I have to open it.

Because I don't have a crew of people
that travel with me

'cause I'm not Adele.

You know, I don't know
how people imagine, like...

I walked here tonight.

The five blocks.

You know when you make
that decision, you go,

"It's only five blocks,
I'm gonna walk it"?

And then after the third block, you go,

"Fuck, I should've taken an Uber."

Then you go, "It's too late now,
I can't get an Uber now

for two blocks,
'cause they'll think I'm lazy."



You don't want them to give you
a two-star 'cause you're lazy

'cause then you have to fake a limp
and stuff.

"Yeah, I just sprained my ankle."

So I get this gift, right?
I do a show in Auckland,

and a woman sends a gift with an usher,
and the usher brings it to the room.

And now I'm gonna open it,
but it looked dodgy as hell.

It was just wrapped in brown paper.

And-- And it had a string around it,

and not that fancy string
that you get now over Christmas.

You know, you always get--
Like your sister-in-law,

she'll be doing
all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit.

And you go, "Okay, calm down.

We know it's bath salts."

It's like, "Christ, you just spent $45

on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift.

And we don't have a bath!"

Not one of those strings,
it was just an old shoelace.

So you know it's dodgy

when the usher
sort of kicks the door open,

throws the gift and goes,
"That came for you," and runs away.

So I look at this gift and I shook it

and no powder fell out of it
and it wasn't ticking.

I'm gonna open it.

So I open the gift.

And someone had sent me a moon cup.

Like, a new one, but a moon cup.

Now, for those of you who don't know
what a moon cup is,

ladies, if I can ask you

to just turn to the men in your area...

...and just explain to them

what a moon cup is so I don't have to.

Talk amongst yourselves.

If you don't know,
ask the people behind you. They know.

Oh, I don't know what's going on there.

There's a lady in the back doing that...

I don't know
what you're explaining...

....but I think you're doing it wrong.

For those of you who don't know

what a moon cup is, it's basically
a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha.

Like, you whip it out
when Aunt Flo comes to visit.

You feel?

But I knew.
As soon as I received this gift,

I knew I was in deep trouble

'cause I've got an inquiring mind...

...and I knew I was going to try it.

Now, I'm not going to go
into detail,

but let me just tell you, it's not for me.

Let's just say...

Okay, you know when you're unpacking
the dishwasher, right?

Ladies, if you want to turn to the men
in your area

and just explain what I mean.

No, you know
when you're unpacking the dishwasher

and you get to the kids' plastic bowls
and cups

and you don't take the time
to individually dry each and every cup?

You just kind of grab them,
whack them and stack them away

and then tomorrow morning,

you have to feed those same children
out of those bowls

and you take it out and you're like...

Yeah, that.

So, no, it's not for me.

I travel a lot.

I'm on the road
about 300 days of the year,

and whenever I do go back home
to Auckland,

I always go see my GP

and get them to do the once-over.

Right, give it everything.

Like, from head to toe,
from head lice to ingrown toenails

and everything in between.

They check the boobs, the smear.

They even give you the flu jab,
you know, 'cause science.

Um...

I'm not going to tell you what to do
with your life,

you know, I'm just saying.

We vaccinate
'cause we understand words and shit.

Now, I understand that there might be
some anti-vaxxers here tonight.

'Cause when I did the show in Auckland,
13 people got up and walked out...

...and the whole auditorium went...

Like I was supposed to fight them
or something. I'm like,

"Leave them alone,
they've got sick kids at home."

So, anyway, I go in, I see my doctor.
She does what she can do

and then she sends me off to the nurse.

Now, our nurse, Nurse Barb,
retired two years ago.

Which is a good thing

because she was, like, two years younger
than Jesus, okay?

I'm not ageist.

But the last two years,
I also got a prostate check.

I didn't hate it.

That's why I went back
the second year.

Anyway, I walk in,
we've got a brand new nurse,

Nurse Maniah,

and, uh, I look at her and I go, "Hi,"

and she's lovely,
she's a lady in her fifties.

Um... And I look around
and I'm trying to find the gown.

Because you have to put this gown on

with an opening in the front

because they're going to be working
on your entertainment area...

...right?

Now, personally...

I'm not a big fan of the gowns

because they never close properly.

You know, 'cause I've had
a few big Christmases in my time.

Like, I don't identify as fat.

But I've definitely, you know...

I'm-- I'm quite a few meals ahead
and a few shits behind, so...

And, you know,
you don't need to be a personal trainer...

to know that if those two things
don't line up,

you can never be your goal weight.

But I don't see the gown,

and Nurse Maniah goes,
"No, no, I use a lavalava."

And I thought, "This is great,
it's basically like a sarong.

Not only do I get a smear

but I also get a cultural experience.

I love it."

So I take the lavalava off her,

and now I wait for her to leave
and close the curtain

so I can, you know,
take my kit off and put it on.

So she closes the curtain.

But she stays in there with me.

So at this point...

I decide to decline the lavalava.

She then takes it
and biffs it on the desk,

and I take my kit off
and I hop on the table.

Now,
the protocol when going for a smear

is you, the patient,

must stare at the wall.

And her, the nurse,

must stare at a speck on the curtain
over here.

But never...

do you make eye contact.

So, she starts,

and I can feel her rummaging around.

Which is not what you want
to feel at a doctor's surgery,

you want a... you want a confident hand.

You want--

You want someone that knows
what's going on.

And I could feel her rummaging around,

and I don't know at what point...

do I act?

At what point should I go,

"Do you need help?"

Too awkward, right?

Or do I just keep quiet
and guide her hand in?

Yeah, you're right,
that would be too much.

I didn't have to do either of those things

because she asked me something
that was so left field

that it knocked me,
I had to think about it for a second.

She goes, "You still a virgin?"

And I went...

"Say what, now?"

I was like, "Oh... Oh, no.

I've had the sex heaps."

And she goes, "Huh.

Okay."

She then leaves the room.

At this point...

I'm regretting not taking that lavalava.

'Cause now I'm just lying on that bed

like a frozen supermarket chicken...

...worried that someone might come in.

They didn't. She came back in a flash.
She had a smaller speculum.

And she was at it again and she goes,

"I'm just gonna ask you again."

She goes,
"You sure you've had sex before?"

I go, "Yeah!"

I said, "I'm married,
my wife's waiting in the waiting room."

She goes, "Oh...

...I see." She goes...

"But have you had sex
with a man?"

I said, "Yes, I'm familiar
with disappointment."

She says, "I'm just asking

'cause you've got the smallest vagina

I've ever worked with in my career."

I went, "No shit!"

I guided her hand in,
she took the swab.

I got dressed, I went in the waiting room
and I go, "Come, babe!"

To my wife, not to a stranger.

I go, "Come."

We walk back in.

I said, "Nurse Maniah's got something
to tell you about my...

...entertainment area."

Nurse Maniah looks at her, she goes,

"If I had to describe her vagina
with one word,

I'd say... petite."

My wife immediately turns to me
and she goes,

"You cannot use this story on stage."

I said, "Bitch...

...a medical professional just told me
something on me is petite.

I'm fucking telling everyone!"

But that explains the moon cup,
doesn't it?

I needed a thimble.

So this show is called Loser

and I decided to write the show
'cause I was so...

confused, like it's always negative
if you lose anything.

You lose your keys,
you lose your mind, you lose your dad:

that's negative.

But you lose a bit of weight:

positive.

And I don't understand that.

Like, if you lose half a kilo,

strangers will applaud that.

You can go out right now and go,
"I lost half a kilo,"

people will go, "Good on you,"
and give you a high five.

Which I don't understand.

If you truly love someone--
If you love someone, don't you go,

"I fucking love you so much,
I wish there were 50 kilos more of you"?

With everything else,
if you love it, you want more.

You love cake? Fucking give me more cake.

Or you love money? Give me more money.

I fucking love you? Less of that.

It makes no sense.

Now, I know...
I know I need to lose some weight.

I know that.

But I-- I want to be very careful.

I just want to lose enough weight

so I can eat in public.

I just want to be able
to eat a pie in public.

'Cause you know if you're in here

and you're a bit of a chub,

you know you cannot eat in public.

You will be judged, right? Like--

Even if it's a celebratory pie.

Even--

Even if your stomach stapling
has been really successful...

...and to celebrate,
you go to BP to get a pie

'cause they've got the best pies.

That's what their name is for.

You go over there,

you grab a pie

and you're outside eating that pie,

like, "Nom-nom, 80 kilos gone."

You know some fuckwit in a ute
will drive past

and go, "Who ate all the pies?"

And you have to go...

"I did."

So I know I have to lose some weight.

But I want to be careful
'cause I don't want to lose too much

and end up in porn.

'Cause you know
that is a very real possibility.

If you're hot.

If you're super...
Like you are, you're proper hot. Right?

Like, you're a beautiful couple.

Do you work out together?

- Yeah.
- Of course you do.

I'm not fit-shaming you.

But you're a hot couple.

Like, aesthetically,
you're quite pleasing to the eye.

Like, if you two came up to me in a bar

and asked me for a threesome, I'd be in.

Yeah.

And not just
in a "hold the camera" kind of way.

I'd give it my all.

I would get so freaky,

you two would be super impressed.

Like, halfway through,

over my naked butt, you'd just be
high fiving each other, going...

"Fucking score on this one, eh?"

But you have to be careful.

'Cause you're beautiful,
you could end up in porn.

The rest of you, you're fine.

'Cause, you know, if you're in a happy,
healthy relationship

and you've got a healthy sex life,

at some point,

one of you will turn to the other and go,

"We should record ourselves.

You know, while we're...

You know?"

And you will.

If you're going, "We'll never do that,"

your partner's probably already doing it.

You may as well get involved.

There's a whole genre of porn
of you not being in porn.

So you might as well.

And then you're going to go, "Okay, fine."

Then you've got to take your smartphone,
you'll prop it up somewhere in the room.

And then you go at it.

You go at it hammer and tongs, right?

You give it your A-game

'cause you know you're recording yourself.

Then afterwards you go,

"Okay, go get it."

He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it.

He comes back and you're excited.
You're like...

"Oh, this is going to be good.

This is going to be great, yeah.

I love you."

And you hit play.

"Why is my arsehole so dark?

Why is it so hairy?

It looks like
a tarantula is crawling out of a cave."

You look at your body at an angle

you wouldn't normally see,

performing an activity
you wouldn't normally see

reflect back in a shopfront window.

You see things on your body

that you wouldn't normally see.

You look at that and you go...

"Is that a nipple on my back?"

And your partner's, like, super blasé
He goes, "Yeah.

I thought you knew."

You're like, "No, every time it's cold,

I think it's the fucking label
on my cardigan!"

And he's like, "No, no.

And when it's really hot, it does
that weird Barbie mouth thing, that..."

You look at that footage,
it's not natural.

It's your fat, pasty-ass white body

plowing at pace...

...into another fat,
pasty-ass white body...

meeting abruptly in the middle.

It doesn't even sound good.

Like, in the heat of the moment,
you don't hear anything.

But when it's silent

and you're just staring
at your white body with an extra nipple

on a little screen,

all you can hear...

Like, "What is that noise?

Oh, it's your balls on my tummy."

You look at that and you go,

"Why am I fucking you?

Why are you fucking me?

Let's never do this shit again."

Then you go, "Delete it."

And he goes, "I will."

"No, you're fucking doing it now!"

He deletes it.

You double-check it's deleted
out of the recently deleted.

That couple then take that phone together,

walk it out to the shed,

take a hammer...

...smash it till there's only powder left,

take a brush,

into a little plastic bag.

You drive from the top of the country

to the bottom of the country
and at every public toilet, you stop

and you put some of that dust

in the toilet...

and then you flush it

just in case some IT genius
is about to crawl out of his mother...

to put that shit back together again
and share it with the world.

We are very careful.

But you two...

Not you two.

You're like,
"Yeah, let's record ourselves."

"Yes, let's.

Let's. Just let me finish moisturizing."

And then you
prop the phone up,

and afterwards you go, "Go get it,"

and he's like, "Yeah, no worries."

Don't even need to get out of the bed

'cause that yoga is finally paying off.

Actually, that hurt my back.
I don't think I...

Medic!

You take that phone.

Like, "Let's have a look at this.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

I love me."

You hit play on that.
You're like, "Oh...

Oh, yeah, look at that!

Look at that!"

Like, "Holy shit.

I'm glad we went for that
two-for-one anal bleaching.

We look amazing!

We should get a blue light,
let it light up."

"This is phenomenal work.

Yeah, wait, wait,
my best part's coming up.

The dismount.

You go into a full triple back flip..."

I'm not very good at sports talk,
you know.

"Full splits onto my dick.

This is lovely."

You go... You go, "Save that.

Save that. We look phenomenal."

You go, "Let's watch it tomorrow
when we get back from pilates."

Tomorrow night, you get back from pilates.

You're like... "Oh, yeah.

You know how I get all limber
and into it.

Now, let's watch it."
So you watch it again. You go,

"Fuck, we are beautiful.

We'll save it.

We'll watch it tomorrow night
after my spinning class.

You know how I get after spinning class.

When my perineum is still vibrating."

I assume that's what happens,
I don't know.

I don't ride a bike.
I'm an adult, I've got a car.

And then you watch it again
and you go,

"You know, we are so beautiful.

It'll be a waste
if only we get to see it.

We should upload it."

Then you load it up to Pornhub

and we're now all whacking off
to you two...

...'cause we're no longer fucking
each other.

So all I'm saying is get ugly or get fat,
or you're going to be in porn.;

You know your dad's going to find it.

Yeah.

Your mum won't know
what's going on.

You know...

You have not lived as an adult

if you haven't been at your parents' house
on a Sunday

waiting for the roast,
your mum's in the kitchen

you're watching some trash with your dad,

and then your mum
just pops out of the kitchen going, "Hey!

Can you have a look at the computer?
It's wiped the history again."

And you look at your dad
and you go, "Motherfucker!

Can't remember your Facebook login

but know how to wipe the history,
do ya?"

And your dad's like, "Oh, it's all right,
I'll have a look later."

I bet you fucking will.

So anyway, what I'm saying
is I need to lose some weight.

I'm already panicked.

Because I'm of the size,

whenever they talk on the news
about the obesity epidemic in Australia,

I know I could be one of those arses
walking in the street.

You know the one. When as soon
as they start talking, they go,

"We've got a dietician here. Um...

The obesity epidemic in Australia..."

And you're like, "Oh, no. No, no, no.
Where did they film today?"

And when you...

When you see they're in an area
where you were,

you're like... "No!

Oh, fuck off!"

'Cause, you know, it's always you
in your track pants.

I see those fat people walk
with these short steps like this.

I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing?

Stride it out, motherfucker!"

Have you guys ever watched
that show The Biggest Loser?

Yes.

You know when they came up
with the concept for that show,

there wasn't a fat person
in a ten-kilometer radius.

Because it would've been
a completely different show.

When they came up with the concept,
they were all sitting in a boardroom

in their yoga pants,

and they go,
"All right, we've got $200 million.

What are we doing?"

And Karen in Marketing went, "Well...

how about we take 12 fat people...

...and we put them
in this fat farm scenario,

and then we give them, like,
six carrot sticks a day to eat...

...and we give them
these really angry personal trainers."

Like you get them any other way.

"We give them
these really angry personal trainers

to yell at them all day
and make them exercise

and then vomit up those carrot sticks."

And everyone's like, "All right.

All right."

Even if there was a fatty
in the room at this point,

they'll go, "Harsh. But watchable."

You've watched it.

And then they go,
"Okay, Karen, then what?"

"Well,
then we just monitor their progress.

So once a week,
we just put them on some scales

in their cute little outfits.

And then behind them,

in giant red LED lights

that they can't see,

we put the weight they used to be,

their weight now, their BMI,
and their sperm count.

And then we judge them like that."

Now, if there was a fatty in the room,

they'd go,
"Hang the fuck on," at this point.

They'd go,
"Just a minute, just a fucking minute.

What are these cute little outfits
you're talking about?"

She goes, "Oh.

I thought, like, bike pants
and sports bra?"

"No."

'Cause you know what,
if you're over the age of two...

...you don't look cute or good in 'em.

The only people allowed to wear bike pants
and a sports bra

are people under the age of two

or if you're in the Olympics.

That's it.
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

and you're putting those bike pants on,
go, "Am I over the age of two?"

If the answer is yes,
then ask yourself,

"Am I in the Olympics?"

If the answer is no,
get the fuck out of those pants.

'Cause you know what the problem is
with that outfit,

especially for women of a certain age.

Like, I'm in my mid-forties.

You know what the hardest thing
of my day is?

Lining up my nipples.

I wake up every morning

and when I put a bra on,

it's like doing
two really complex Rubik's cubes.

Oh, fuck it. Tuck it into your pants.

Well, Karen,
you can't tuck it into your pants

when you're not fucking having
anything in the middle.

It'll look like a fleshy scarf.

Fat people don't like to get weighed.

That's why we don't skydive.

Well, that, and it scares the shit

out of whoever has to do
a tandem jump with you.

But...

When you skydive, they weigh you.

And then they write
your weight on your hand

with a permanent marker.

I don't want to be telling people
three days after my jump,

"Oh.

Oh, no, it's not a phone number."

If I was in charge
of making The Biggest Loser,

it would look completely different.

For starters,
the people I would put in there.

I'd put people in The Biggest Loser,

those people who never say thank you
for shit.

Like when you're driving
and you give someone a gap

and usually it takes a few goes

to try and get them in the hole.
You're like...

And then they take it...

and you wait for it.

But they just keep going.

It's like they take that gap
and go, "Mine!"

What kind of animal raised you...

...that you would take a gap
and not just put your hand up like that

to thank the person behind you?

That's all you have to do.

'Cause if you don't thank
the person behind you,

you're making it unsafe on our roads.

'Cause now
I have to aggressively overtake you...

...to go get my good deed back

'cause you were raised by an animal.

It's the same as when you're driving

and there's a pedestrian crossing
and you stop and a car there stops,

and then the pedestrian walks past
and they thank this guy

and just walk past your car,

and you're like...

"What's going on here?

I'm doing what they're doing.

Where's my thank you?"

I reckon if they're two thirds
past your car

and they haven't started
lifting their arm, hit them with your car.

Not to kill 'em.

Just to knock 'em down
so you can talk to 'em.

Then you hop out of your car and go,

"Don't worry, I've got this.
I'm a medical professional.

I've got a petite vagina."

You go, "Where's my thank you, asshole?"

Those people are all going
on my Biggest Loser campl

Or when you're at work, right,
and you're in the lunchroom,

you just want to eat your sandwich
in peace. And then you hear it...

And you look over and there he is.

You go, "Jesus, Brian.

How about you just leave
that cup of tea for a minute?

That's going to cool down
to a temperature...

where you can just go ahead
and drink it.

Where it won't sound like you lost

your top lip in a violent accident.

And now you're curving your bottom lip
in a straw-like scenario,

trying to suck a teabag out
of the bottom of that cup."

Brian's going in The Biggest Loser camp.

Or that friend that we all have

that have never let you finish a sentence.

You've been friends for years

and this is the only thing
they've ever seen out of you.

Fucking Biggest Loser camp.

Or any right-wing politician
that has ever said

anything so fucking stupid,
it makes you want to headbutt a nail.

They're going in there. You know the ones.

Like-- Like those people
that can't even take

a mild egg to the head
without trying to knock out a teenager.

Get in the camp.

Then what we do
is we give them challenges

that they cannot achieve,

like keeping a cookie
out of a fat kid's hand.

If they fail, we give 'em paper cuts.

Now, I wasn't raised by an animal,
I understand that,

you know, everyone's not the same.

Like, the tea slurper
is not on the same level

as the right-wing politician.

So we cut them
with different grades of paper.

The tea slurpers and the interrupters,

they get 150 gsm.

Then the people
who don't thank you in traffic

who have no manners,
they get a 300 gsm gloss.

And the right-wing politicians,

we cut them with X-rays.

And then we take chili oil
and rub it in their wounds.

I know, I've got a lot of time to think.

That's what I do
when you guys are at the gym.

People go, "Why don't fat people
just get off their fucking arses?"

'Cause we're thinking of this shit.

Okay, maybe that's a little extreme.

Maybe it's more like... I just think,
like, other things are bigger losers--

Other people are bigger losers

than actual fat people just losing weight.

Like, say if you get in a car
with your friend, right?

They're driving.
You're saying to that friend,

"I trust you

with the most important thing
that I have:

my life."

'Cause without it,
you can't do shit, right?

So you start driving,

and 'cause you live in Melbourne,
it starts to rain.

They don't turn the wipers on.

You know? All right. All right.

I'm not going to be that person,
but you know

how vitally important it is
for you, the passenger,

to see where they're driving.

Otherwise how do you know
how to make the right...

You don't want to say anything.

So you just start scooching down
in your seat a little.

Just a little.

'Cause just above the dash,
just under the wipers,

there's always a weird half moon

that you can see out of.

But then you start to panic, right,

and you think about that pillow
that your wife bought

about you living your best life.

And you think, "Fuck,
I do want to live my best life

and I want to continue with that.

I should say something."

"Put the wipers on!"

And they go, "Oh, shit,
I didn't even notice it started raining."

"You know you're driving, right?"

And then because it's Melbourne,

five minutes later it stops raining.

They don't turn the wipers off.

Not only do they visually have something
in front of their eyes going,

"Oh, you're fucking up here, mate..."

...audibly,
there's a bit of a soundtrack, too.

It gets so dry

that it does that weird triple jump
in front of you.

When it comes back, it's like...

You're not safe.

You need to undo your belt,

open the door and tuck and roll. Just...

Those people are bigger losers
than you.

But, you know,
because we have social media,

we put ourselves into situations
where you feel like a loser.

'Cause you look
at other people's amazing lives, right,

'cause they have these amazing filters

and amazing bullshit on their pages

that you start to believe,

'cause even though,

intellectually, you know it's bullshit,

you know this person,
they have a horrible life.

But your eyes go,
"It's better than yours."

And then you feel like a loser.

But it's not. It's like if you show up

20 minutes early to a party,

you're not a loser.

You're smart.

'Cause they usually have the food out.

They have the food out

and they're still doing the setup.

So you can get involved.

You go, "No, you carry on,
don't worry about me."

You look at their table,

you go, "Guacamole looks good."

"I'm going to give it a go.

Just going to try it for her.

Give her some valuable feedback
if she needs it."

So you grab a chip.

Now, you're not a fool.

You know to go in slow, right?

You've been around food before.

Don't worry.

When that chip breaks...

you're so disappointed in yourself,

you're like, "How am I this age

and I can't nail a snack?"

'Cause now you know you're in deep shit.

You better get that chip out
before she comes out.

Don't want to fuck up the table

before anyone else gets there.

You're gonna take another chip.

But you're gonna take a strong one.
You know, the...

No, 'cause you know the ones
that are curved,

the curved ones are structurally stronger
than the others.

So, you take that curve. Also, pro-tip:

they always have more flavor
'cause they're sort of...

Anyway, so...

So you take that chip.

Now, you know, you're not a fool.

You're gonna go low and slow.

You're gonna go low and slow,

and you want to slowly curve it
around the original chip.

Just make it a little...
You don't want to go too close

'cause then it could
structurally damage the...

So, you just want to go... slight--

When that second chip breaks...

...you question every decision
you've ever made as an adult.

"I should probably not be alone."

'Cause now you know you'd better
get that out before she comes out.

You've got two chips in there.

You're not gonna take another chip,
you're not an idiot.

You're going to learn
from your mistakes here.

You don't want her to come out
to two half dead chips in the guacamole

with a fucking moat around it.

When you're second knuckle in,

she comes out and busts you.

Like you're at your high school dance...

and you just lock eyes
with each other.

I love that slow realization.

Ooh...

My hand's still in the guacamole.

She walks out, she locks eyes with you.

She looks at you, you look at her.

She knows your hand's in the guacamole,

you know your hand's in the guacamole.

You look at each other,
'cause you don't know at what point...

should you pull your hand out.

There's no time like the present
so you just pull it out.

Now the bigger conundrum.

Do you flick it or lick it?

She just stares at you,
never breaking eye contact

looking over to you,
just taking the bowl, going,

"I wasn't that happy with it anyway."

She walks in the kitchen,
you can hear her throw it in the sink.

You feel like such a loser
'cause you go,

"It's out of season for avos,
that would've cost her $400."

You're not a loser,
but what you didn't realize

that if you normally show up
20 minutes late,

the guacamole's been sitting
on the table for 40 minutes

slowly getting to room temperature,

and then it's smooth as anything.

You can fucking lift it

with anything out of that bowl.

You can lift it with hopes
and dreams into your mouth.

You don't know that
because you're not a chef.

Neither am I, but I'm an enthusiast.

You're not a loser

if you say "no, thanks" to free stuff.

I say "no, thanks"
to free stuff all the time

but now because we live in a time

where there are people who are influencers

and that is a job that just involves
getting free shit all day,

it's unheard of
when someone approaches you

and goes, "You want something free?"
And you go, "No, thanks."

Unless it's a flyer or something.
You're like, "No."

But I get offered stuff all the time
and I go, "No, thanks."

And especially when I get on a plane,

they always go,
"Do you want the exit row?"

Never business.

Always the exit row.

I go, "No, thanks."

People-- Ten people back will go,

"Did she just say no
to the exit row?"

They're so angry when I go, "No."

I go, "Yeah, I don't need it."

I'm five foot three.

My knees have never touched another seat.

'Cause I'm mainly torso, too.

Some airlines,
my feet don't touch the ground.

Give it to someone that needs it.

I don't feel I'm trained enough
to sit there anyway.

I don't know
where these air whores go to air school,

but I haven't been.

I don't think it's enough

when they come up to you
before the flight and they go,

"Um... Did you read the A4 laminate?"

And I go, "No, I didn't
because it's pictures on there.

And you don't read a picture,
you look at it.

So am I now more trained than you?

Am I in charge of this flight?

I'm just here for the snacks, mate.

You can... You can put me near the toilet,
I don't care."

You're not a loser.

You're not a loser if you wake up
seven o'clock one morning and you go,

"Hmm.

Today's a shit day."

Well, you know yourself,

you don't need to live the whole day
to know it's gonna be a shit one

Sometimes you know

before you open your eyes,

you're like, "Yeah, today's a shit one."

If you open your eyes
seven o'clock in the morning

and you go, "Fuck it.
I'm getting blackout drunk by three..."

...then do it.

Do it, it's called self-care.

Look after yourself.

Obviously, if that's a decision

you've been making for the last 15 years
every morning...

...you've got a problem.

But if you do it once every 18 months
to two years and go, "Today's that day,"

do it.

Why is it socially acceptable

to start drinking at noon
but not at 7:00 a.m.?

Like, if a friend rings you at 7:00 a.m.,

which would be weird,
but if they ring and they go,

"Hey, what are you up to?"

"I just poured myself a wine."

They'll think you've lost your mind.

But that same friend can ring you at noon
and go, "Hey, what are you up to?"

"Oh. Just poured myself a wine."

They go,
"Well, I guess it's noon somewhere."

You go, "It's noon here, Cara."

I don't know why we put
that amount of stress on ourselves

because of a few fucking hours.

Like, the amount of times I've woken up

and I've taken that box wine

and I've put it on the kitchen counter...

...and I just look at it, and I'm like,

"Should I take the tap out
and let it breathe or...?"

'Cause that's always the hardest thing
with a box wine.

You have to get the cover off
and then you have to get that tap,

and it's always real in the box.
It's like...

You have to put your hand in so deep,

I feel like I'm working on a dairy farm.
Like...

"I can feel a hoof!"

You get that tap out.

A hundred percent of the time,
the hole always faces there.

You have to pull the whole sack open,

sort of slowly get the tap down.

I feel I lost some of you
as soon as I said "box wine."

You go, "Fucking box wine?"

I don't care where you are
in your life right now financially,

but at some point,

every single one of us drank box wine.

Yeah.

Maybe some of you are like,
"I have never."

Yes, you have!

If you've got bogan friends,
you've had box wine.

I love entertaining, right?

I have people over to my house
all the time.

And then when they go,
"What should we bring?"

I always go,
"Just your good self, doll."

And then what I do
is I wash the labels off old wine bottles,

and then I fill it with box wine.

And not to worry,

I'll even mix you a rosé.

I do the whole shebang, right?
So...

Not once in all these years

have anyone during dinner gone,

"Excuse me.

What fresh hell
are we drinking here tonight?"

No, they usually go,

"Mm! Where did you get this one?"

And I always go, "On my travels."

And they assume...

around the world.

But just to the liquor store.

I mean, they know the next morning.

Because you know
the next morning after...

...a box wine, that hangover
is completely fucking different

to a good wine hangover.

You wake up after a good wine,

right, and you have that hangover,
you wake up, you're like, "Woo!

Oh, that Central Otago 2009, that...

...that pinot noir nutty goodness

is going to come back and bite me
at around 3:30.

But you know with box wine,

you open your eyes, you're like, "Woo!

Satan fucked my skull last night.

And he's got a giant penis."

You're not a loser.

Drinking box wine is good
for the whole family.

When you're finished,
you whip the box off,

you give that to the cat,

he plays with that.

You blow up the bag
and the kids play with that.

You're fucking mother of the year.

Yeah.

You're not a loser...

if after you've been to your mum's house,

maybe you've had a massive feed,

you've had seconds,
she's given you dessert.

She's even given you some leftovers
in a little plastic bag

because she doesn't trust you
with her Tupperware.

Now you have to drive

with a plastic bag of spaghetti
next to you.

"Fuck, I hope I'm not in an accident.

This is going to be hard to explain."

You're full, and then you drive
to the hardware store quickly

'cause you need a new tool belt.

As soon as you get out of the car,
you smell it.

You smell that sausage sizzle.
You're like, "Yeah."

When you get on a plane, right,

you're not hungry,
you just had a nine-course dégustation.

You're chockers. You go, "I'm so full."

But as soon as you hear
the wheels on the food cart,

you panic!

You panic, you're like,
"Chicken! Oh."

That's what it's like
when you get out of your car

at the hardware store, you're like...

"Yes."

Like, you're not there for the cuisine.

Let's not fuck around.

That's not good food.

You know those sausages
are basically vegan.

They're made from wood chip
and goat spit...

...and the goat donated the spit.

He just looked at that and went...
"I'm not eating that."

But it's because there's so much joy
around there.

As soon as you get it,
you look at those people

and they're always happy,
'cause it takes a certain personality

to go there every week
and fucking turn sausages.

You look at them, they're like...

I want to be around that joy.

You rummage around the car
for a gold coin,

you walk up to them,
you give them a gold coin

and then you...

...pop out your hand.

There are very few instances

where you as an adult
can go up to another adult,

put out your hand and go,

"Put food on that.

I've already got a bag of spaghetti
in the car."

They then take a napkin,

put that in your hand, and then they put

the thinnest white bread
you've ever seen in your life

on top of that.
We call it magic bread at my house

'cause it's impossible
to put any spread on it.

You can try.

But as soon as you do...

...the middle's gone.

You can't even find it in the house.
It's just gone.

You just have this weird frame
of what bread used to be.

So you've got your napkin.

They put the magic bread,
then they put some onion,

some fried-up onion,

and then they put the sausage,

and then...

...tomato sauce
over the top of that.

It's never-been-near-a-tomato sauce,

let's be fair,
that shit glows in the dark.

Now you've got your food in your hand.
Now, pro-tip: What you want to do

is you want to go ahead and curve it.

You want to curve that whole scenario

like this, 'cause if you keep it flat,
it's very hard to eat.

If you keep it flat,
it's called a situation.

But the minute you roll it,
you've got a meal.

Now you walk into the hardware store

and you look for other people like you.

You look for the other sausage people.

When you see them,
you're like...

"We make the same decisions.

We're here...

...and we both have these. Yeah.

On your... No, tool belt.
Tool belt, I mean."

Then you start eating

and something magical happens

as soon as you walk away
from that barbecue.

The onion is now freezing cold.

But the sausage will increase in heat.

There's...

I think it's the glue
that holds it together.

So you want to approach that sucker
with caution when you eat.

You approach with your teeth,
like a hot potato,

so you can breathe through the back of it.

Like, get some air on that thing.

It's a very toothy approach,

like your first blowjob.

You walk through the shop,
you're about halfway through.

You look and you go,
"Fuck, I'm eating the napkin too."

You're not a loser,
that's where the nutrients lie.

But then...

we do start... Do we have a snorter?

That's great!

I love how everyone's,
"It's this lady here."

It's like...

It's not like she had a shit on the seat.

I'll just get some water.

I'll just be walking over here,
getting some of this every now and again.

You know, whenever I take a sip like that,
the wardrobe lady is downstairs going...

...just in case I spill some of this water
down my tits.

'Cause if you know me,

there's a hundred percent chance
that I can do that.

This wasn't the top
that I was supposed to wear tonight,

but...

...I had a top that matched the pants.

But it's got about half a liter
of butter chicken on it.

So, yeah, decisions were made.

I said to them, I go,
"Just let me wear the stained top

because realistically that's how people
will be seeing me in the future."

It is very rare to see me in the street

without food somewhere...

on the tatas, but, um...

Apparently,
that's a big fucking no-no.

All right, uh...

...here we go.

Now, there are things that we do

that we think we're nailing and we're not.

Like thongs.

Jandals.

Flip-flops.

Plakkies.

That's what we call them in South Africa.

You know,
we will never have world peace...

unless we can agree on a name
for these shoes.

Nowhere where you go in the world
are they called the same.

You could get on a plane right now,
fly somewhere you've never been before,

get off, go to a shop and go,

"Excuse me.

I'm looking for those summer shoes...

...that you can get your toes through
like that.

And then, "Oh, you're talking..."

We don't even question

why the fuck it's called that.

We just go, "Yeah.

I was hoping to buy some blue..."

Now, the thing with those shoes,

they don't come with instructions,

and the thing is, they really should.

'Cause I never owned a pair of those
'cause I grew up on a farm in South Africa

where we have snakes
and scorpions and shit.

So, you can't have any of that.

So the first time
I ever bought a pair of those

was when I was in my mid-thirties,

thirteen years ago in New Zealand.

And no one stopped me.

Like, I bought them,
no one, as I got to the door, went, "Hey.

Have you used those before?"

You go, "No, I haven't."

"Come here.

Hey, just so you know...

if a drop of moisture gets on the inside
of that shoe...

...you're dead.

Oh, and if a drop of moisture

gets on the outside
of that shoe...

...you're dead.

Oh, and don't think for a second

that you can run...

...from your car...

during a thunderstorm...

...into the mall...

where they've gone ahead and tiled it.

'Cause whether you're physically prepared
or not,

you're gonna do the full fucking splits."

You're like, "Oh, okay, cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool...

Cool."

As you walk out, they go,
"Oh, one more thing.

Just so you know,

those shoes?

They're only for forward motion.

We call them one-directional.

Yeah.
Oh, you want to take a step to the side?

You're dead.

You want to take a step back?

My uncle tried that. He's dead."

Those shoes are so complex, man.

They should come with a warning
and someone to live with you

for, like, a week after you buy them.

I bought a pair,

my wife and I took our two kids
down to Fielding, where she's from.

It's a small farming community
in the middle of the North Island

of New Zealand.

It's not as exciting
as that person makes it out to be.

Like, nothing happens there

every half an hour
and it usually lasts about an hour.

So we took our kids
and we showed them around a bit

and then after two minutes,
we were done and, uh...

I... I went and strapped my two-year-old
back into the car,

you know, his little vaccinated arse
back into the car seat.

And I forgot

that I was wearing these death booties,
right?

So you know the movement
after you strap them in,

you have to take a side step
so you can close the door

'cause they're too weak
to pull the door shut, aren't they?

But as soon as I took that side step,
my body just went,

"Okay, we're gonna go ahead and, uh...

...go ahead and put you down
at this point.

Uh...

You're gonna go on your ass."

And my brain just went,
"I... I can't stop this. You, uh...

You are on your own."

I was falling down so slowly

that I had time to move shit
out of this pocket

to this pocket.

I could move my handbag over

and I was just walking it out.

Just walking it out.

I fell over so slowly, my wife had time
to walk around the car, look at me and go,

"What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm falling over."

She took out her phone,

took a few photos of me and sent it
to everyone in our WhatsApp group.

And I learned something valuable that day.

I learned that I'm officially
at the age-weight ratio

where I no longer fall over.

I had a fall.

You don't know when it will happen to you.

Even five years ago,
my friends would have gone,

"Were you drunk?"

Now I get all these concerned emojis
and...

"Mate, are you all right?
I believe you had a fall."

I'm like...

"No, bitch,
I was wearing my death booties.

I forgot."

The other thing
that we think we're nailing

and we're fucking not,

are puffer jackets.

And especially...

...especially Melbourne,
you are so bad for puffer jackets.

You know, today,
I would classify today's weather as mild.

Like, if you were one of those people
that can feel the chill,

maybe a long-sleeved T-shirt is for you.

You know what I saw today?

Two ladies walked past me
and both of them had those puffer jackets

that come down to mid-calf.

Zipped up.

I mean, that is a bold fucking statement

if you zip it up.

Sometimes you go,
"Look, I had it at work,

my hands are full
so now I'm carrying it home

and it's open so I still get a breeze on."

When you zip it up,
you're saying to people,

"I'm fucking cold."

But I looked at those women and I thought,

"What have you heard?"

I mean, honestly,
wouldn't it just be spectacular

come three o'clock...

...massive storm,
we're up to our earlobes in snow.

And just these two bitches going,

"Fucking knew it."

They designed those jackets

so people in Antarctica
don't freeze to death.

Like, if you've got
a colleague who's a sherpa,

you need to get one of those.

But if you've got a colleague named Brian

who can't cope
with a cup of fucking tea, you're fine.

Light layering is in your future.

Get a cardigan and a scarf.

You're fine.

So confusing when I come here

'cause I always fly into Australia
then go straight to the hotel.

It's all air conditioned.

And then at some point, I go,

"I should go for a walk, I wonder
what's happening with the weather."

And then you look out the window
at the people in the street and you go,

"Yeah.

It's impossible to tell."

'Cause two thirds of you
are wearing puffer jackets

with shorts and death booties!

I don't know what's going on.
We preparing for snow or backyard cricket?

You know,
we all do stupid shit on a daily basis.

That doesn't make you a loser.

Just 'cause you're having a tough time
in your life doesn't make you a loser.

I think the only true losers
in our society

are those people who go online
and attack people

for shit that they cannot help.

Like, if you've ever gone online
and attacked someone

for the way they look,
what the fuck is wrong with you?

Like--

During the Olympics, right,

a woman won a gold medal.

I read the article, good on her.

And then I had a brain fart
and I clicked on the comments section.

If you want to lose hope in humanity,

click on the comments section
of your newspaper

and just read that.
The very first comment said,

"Yeah, good on her, but what a dog."

I clicked on this man's profile
and I thought,

"He's no oil painting.

Unless someone smudged him at birth."

Like--

The confidence you'd need to rock...

If you're gonna attack someone
for their looks,

you'd better be fucking hot.

Not even average looking.

Fucking smoking hot.

'Cause then if you click on their profile,
"Yeah, all right, fair call."

But I don't understand
attacking someone for their looks

because it's not like she made herself.

Like, if we made ourselves,
we'd be stunning.

I would be so beautiful,
you wouldn't be able to look at me.

I wouldn't need to be
introduced by anyone.

You'd know I'm coming

'cause you're coming.

Yeah.

He's going,
"Oh, she's coming 'cause I'm coming!"

If you truly have a problem
with the way someone looks,

look up their dad on Facebook and go,

"Hey, bro, what happened?"

Or attacking someone for their sexuality.

'Cause you know that's not a choice.

Oh, God. You know that's not a choice?

I thought,
"Fuck me, this is the audience...

This is the audience
that's gonna break me,"

like, "It is a choice.

We're here from the Baptist Church
and, uh...

...we believe it is a choice

and you've been making
the wrong choice."

"We're here to put hands on you."

You know it's not a choice.
Sexuality is not a choice.

If it was a choice, there wouldn't be
a straight woman alive.

Like, no offense to men.

No offense to men, I love you guys,

but have you seen your balls?

Those aren't your biggest asset.

They're an acquired taste.

I reckon the first-- If it was a choice,
if sexuality was a choice,

the first time a woman walks into her room

where there's a naked man,
she'd go "Oh.

Oh...

Oh...

Uh...

I'm gonna go look for some puss. Uh...

I'm gonna leave you with that."

Do you know how hard it is to explain

what balls look like
to a gold-star lesbian?

Do you guys know what a gold star is?

Okay, a gold star

is a gay person who has never slept
with anyone from the opposite sex.

They only sleep with their own kind,
the way God would want it.

So-- Oh, wait, actually,

gay dudes can be platinum stars.

They are ones that have never slept
with anyone from the opposite sex

and they were born via cesarean.

So, even on the day they came out,
they had a look

and went, "Fuck no!

Take me out through the sunroof!"

So...

Do you know how hard it is for me

to explain to a gold-star lesbian
what balls look like?

'Cause I've seen a fair few
in my fucking time.

I go,

"Well, basically, it's like...

It's like...

It's like...

two rotten kiwi fruit...

...had a baby with some old tea bags

and they just keep getting longer
and longer and longer.

You guys have been amazing!

Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you, Melbourne!