Up the River (1930) - full transcript

Look at this, a roadster.
And the gang promised me a limousine.

- It's piecrust to you, ain't it?
- Shut up, you sap.

We ain't out of danger yet.
It's 10 miles to town. Well, so long.

I hope I never see you again.

- Boy, I hate these country prisons.
- I hate all prisons.

- The food is bad.
- Well, listen. Next time-

There ain't gonna be any next time.
Not for me.

- No? What are you gonna do for a livin'?
- Start a chicken farm.

You can start with 100 eggs,
and by saving the pullets...

at the end of the year
you'll have 10,000 eggs.

- Yeah? Listen. Get out and fix that.
- What's the matter?



- I think we got a flat tire.
- Flat tire?

That's luck for you.
I don't see any flat tire.

No? Well, buy a mirror!

- Hey, there!

- Friends, we will hear from Brother Dan...

once lost in the sea of sin...

but now safe on the shores of love.

Praise be! Praise be! Praise be!

Friends, you wouldn't "tink" to look at me
now that I once was as wicked as you.

But, yea, verily, there's no sinner
among you what I can't call "brudder."

You know how I got lost in crime and sin?
Bad company.

But I found the error of my ways.
I found that crime don't pay.

Now I'm happy in the light
and love the whole world.

- Praise be! Praise be!



Yeah, even the-the depraved
wretch what led me into sin...

even him I love and forgive.

And remember, "brudders,"
crime don't pay.

No, sir.
Crime don't pay.

And verily, I say to you...

even the depraved wr-
louse... what led me into sin...

even him I love and forgive.

And there is a blow of vengeance coming what-
on all sinners what knows no mercy.

There is retribution for all. And there
is "tunderbolts" comin' from the sky...

on your head, unexpected.

And verily I say to you, the wages of sin
is a punch in the jaw, you louse!

What are you pinchin' me for?
He's the one that did it!

Twenty-four, 26...

- 28, 30, 32...

34, 36, 38, 40, 42.

Another one?
Hello, Al. Another load?

- Howdy, Joe. Yeah.
- Got another load for you.

- Oh, look at the mug on that guy.
- Look at that pan!

Say, is there a piccolo player in the crowd?

Why, no, sir.
But I can play a saxophone.

So that's what you're in for.

For three months, I been tryin' to get a piccolo
player, and all they send up is saxophones.

Just a lot of punks.
That's all.

Oh, now that's a shame.

What'd you do, boy,
rob your mama's bank?

Poor kids.
What do you think of that?

- Ain't that a dirty shame?
- Get the pan on this guy.

I been in this jail 40 years...

and the saps they send up here
gets worse and worse.

It's gettin' to be a day nursery.

They wouldn't even allow
those kind of guys in here in my time.

How'd they keep 'em out?
Blackball 'em?

- You know what they'd have called
Big Pete in my day?
- What?

- A sissy.

Yeah, there was men in those days-

men with needles in their chests,
men like meself.

Come on over and play ball.

Just one week before the big game,
and they had to go and pardon the pitcher.

It's politics.
That's what it is- politics.

- Somebody higher up don't want us to win.
- You know who it is?

The governor.

- Jessell!
- Well, if it ain't little Morris. So you're here!

Yes, I'm here.
And you're here too, where you belong.

You got me all wrong, kid.
I lost more money on that horse than you did.

Did you, Jessell? Did you lose
your position and money and friends?

And mother?
She died at my trial. You killed her.

- If it hadn't been for you-
- Shut up, you little swine.

- You were a thief long before I knew you.
- That's a lie! Take it back!

Cut it out!
Go on. Scram!

Don't do that. Come on.
Don't take it so hard.

I can't help it.
How did your family feel?

Well, they don't know.

I changed my name.
They think I'm in China.

- How'd you do that?
- Well, I got friends out there.

They forward my letters home
and cable my folks once a month.

I'll see you around.
I work in the office there.

Got a lot of new fish coming in.
You know, associates, inmates.

Come on, son.
Buck up, boy.

Come on, you fellas, will you? Come on.

All right, Pop.
What's the hurry?

- I got plenty of time- 30 years.
- Nix, only 20 for me.

Say, do you think they'd mind
if I was to join in?

- Can you play ball?
- Why, sure.

Go on and get over there then.
Pop'll plaster you with kisses. Hurry up.

And this is the men's yard.

Aren't you afraid here with
all these dreadful characters?

Oh, dear, no.
They're just like little children to me.

In fact, to all the welfare workers.

Watch it.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Massey?

- How do you do?
- So jolly to see you again.

Uh, I missed you terribly last Thursday.

Had some friends up from the city.
Charming people.

They were very disappointed
not to meet you.

Well, cheerio.
See you again.

- You see?
- And who is he?

Electrical genius.
Wiretapper.

Hi, Dooley.

- Famous strangler.

Now we go over to the welfare rooms.
You see? They're right over there.

- Don't be afraid.

He's just amusing little Jean...

the warden's daughter.

Jean, say hello to my friends.

- How do you do?
- How do you do, dear?

Have you a kiss for Mrs. Massey?

- Yes, Mrs. Massey. I gave it to Rex.
- The dog?

Let's go over to the welfare room.

- Okay, what's next, Eddie?
- Try this one, Jean.

That-a-boy, Eddie.

- Oh, I can do that!
- No, you can't.

- Geez, that-a-girl!
- Here's one you can't do.
Walk on your ear, Jean.

No.
Of course not!

I got him.

- Look this way please.

Keep smilin' now.

Big smile, St. Louis.

All right, one with your lawyer,
St. Louis.

Come on.
Get over here, Marvin.

- Thanks!
- Thank you.

- Come on, buddy. Move up.
Guy with the camera, move up.

Through here.
Number one, right here please.

- Number two, right here.
- Well, hello, Sophie.

- Number three-
- Hello, Kitty. Glad to see you back again.

Lemme see. I ain't seen you
in about a month, ain't it?

- I know.
- Well, come on.
I'm gonna take care of you two myself.

Lovely. By golly, you girls- I'm going
to check these two girls in personally.

- How's it been?
- Everything is lovely.
We've got a new wing on the place.

The mockingbirds
are singing just the same.

- Name?
- Judith Fields.

- Age?
- Twenty-one.

- Your first offense?
- The first time they caught me.

- Fraud?
- I told fortunes.

And they gave you
three years for that?

Well, after I'd finished
telling fortunes, I'd, uh...

recommend certain oil stocks.

Oh.

Well, then, you worked with someone?

- A broker.
- Did you know what you were doing?

- Of course.
- Well, then, why?

It was fun!
I always wanted to travel.

You know, we never hit the same town twice.
Oh, you can't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.
I've felt the same way.

- I was headed for China.
- China?

- Gee, I'd love that.
- Gee, you know...

we had jobs out there- three of us boys
and, well, then this came up.

And you threw that over
to work here?

No, you don't understand.

I don't work here.
I belong here.

- A convict?
- Yes.

But we call ourselves inmates.

- Gee, that's tough. You don't look it.
- Well, neither do you.

Well, tell me, uh, what-
what did you do?

A fight, just before the boat sailed.

- The other boy-
- What a rotten break.

Married?

No.

Engaged?

- Say, is that on the card?
- Oh, no.

- What are you in for?

Shoplifting.
I was framed!

Sure.
We all was framed.

- What's yours?
- Spittin' in a river.

Gee, I didn't know
they could pinch you for that.

Why, you told Mrs. Massey
it was for winkin' at a cop.

- For not winkin' at a cop.
- Terrible creature!

Well, at least she don't scare 'em
to death with blackmail.

Is it necessary that I wait in here
with these other persons?

Cut the ritz! We was all arrested
and here we are, in the "cansky."

- Who's she?
- Edith La Verne.

- I don't see what men see in her.
- Oh, is that the love thief?

- The extortionist.
- Extortionist?

Honey, was you in the circus?

- I'm so sorry for them. Really, l-

- And these are the women!

Come, girls.

- Yes, sir.

Say, there's nobody but ladies
allowed in here.

So I see.
We want to see the warden a minute.

St. Louis!

- Okay, boys.

Hey, buddy, buddy,
where's the warden?

Oh, you got company.

- Not a bad jail.

- Hey, hey, what's the idea?
- Hello, Warden. How are you?

Well, St. Louis,
glad to have you with us.

Hello, Curly.
Say, listen, Warden.

I want to make
a little bargain with you.

You know, I thought you looked
a little bit worried out there in the yard.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you know, thinkin' that
I might leave here unexpectedly.

- I wanna tell you somethin'.
I'm on the square with this.

I shoot straight, see?

- When I decide to go, I give fair warning.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. How's that?
- That's fair.

- Okay, Warden. That's a bargain.
- Show him to his cell.

Oh. Oh, now, please, please.
Wait a minute.

You know, Warden,
about this cell business-

- Sorry, I haven't any cigars.
- Thanks, I don't use 'em anyway.

About this cell business, Warden, if you
don't mind, I don't like to sleep too high up.

- No?
- No.

And, if you don't mind,
I'd like a nice airy cell, you know...

plenty of windows,
and a nice southern exposure.

- Southern exposure?
- Yeah, if you don't mind.

- I'd like a double bed. And running water.
- Sure.

And I'd like-
Say, I'm not boring you, am I?

No, no. Go on.
Outta here!

Okay, Warden.
See you at supper.

Beans again, I suppose.

Southern exposure.
Running water.

Not too high up.
Sunshine.

- Say, if I had a cell like that,
I'd sleep in it myself.

Don't forget to lock that.
A lot of new guys come in here today.

- Letters from home?
- Yeah.

Yeah, pretty regular.
Now, look here.

Here's a picture of my mother here.

And here's my kid sister
Frances over here.

- Let's see it, Steve, will you?
- Sure.

Too skinny.
I don't like 'em so skinny.

- I like legs.
- What?

Limbs.

When I left home,
she was a kid on roller skates.

- Now she's off to college.
- College?

- Yeah.
- Gee, your folks must be swell.

And look at that house! You know, it makes
me real sick to look at a house like that.

- Why?
- Why?

'Cause I could've had a house like that.
Easiest thing in the world.

Only mine would've had a tower on it
with my chicken farm...

- if it wasn't for that big baboon.
- What baboon?

- He come in here today.
- He means St. Louis.

And you shut up about him.
He's the greatest ballplayer you ever saw.

Oh, how that guy can pitch.

Well, ballplayer or no ballplayer,
he'd better stay out of my way...

'cause if I ever lay my hands on that guy,
I'll croak him.

I never know how
they're gonna turn out.

You're a fine guy, you are.
Leave me flat in the middle of the road.

- You callin' me a double-crosser?
- Yeah!

- You think I'd double-cross a pal?
- Didn't you?

- I thought there was a rumble seat.
- There was no rumble seat!

- That kind of car don't have a rumble seat.
- Keep quiet!

- You're not gonna let-
- All right, maybe there was
a rumble seat on the car.

- Look out for his arm, will you?
- That's the way, boys. Don't fight.

- Don't let 'em fight, Pop.
- I won't let 'em.

- Steve's my name.
- How are you? Glad to know you, kid.

Glad to know you too.
What do you say we turn in, boys?

- I think you're up there.
- Me?

Say, you wouldn't let a pitcher
climb way up there, would you?

- He might strain his arm.
- I've gotta throw too, ain't I?

You throw higher than him.
You have to throw way down to second base.

I ain't gonna let that guy
put anything else over on me.

- I'm gettin' smart!
- What do you mean, put something over on you?

- Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.
- I'm not dumb.

I'm settlin' this thing without any fighting.
Think of a number from one to 10.

- One to 10?
- Yeah.

- Seven.
- That's it. You sleep in the lower one.

- Get on up there.
- That's fair enough, ain't it?

Long as I lost on the level, it's okay.

Say, on second thought, I remember.

- There was a rumble seat on that car, all right.
- Oh, shut up!

Knock it off, Freda.
Try and get some sleep.

All out!

Attention.
Forward. March!

- Well, how are you today, Genesis?

- How is y'all, Mrs. Massey?

Well, Judy, quite an honor it seems to me to
be selected to instruct the warden's daughter.

Of course, it's quite
against my better judgment...

but, uh, I hope it'll turn out all right.

Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

Two and two is four. Four and four is eight.

- Sour grapes, kid. Sour grapes.
- Mrs. Reilly...

can Judy and I go in the yard
and take a walk?

- Surely, dear. Go right along.
- Thank you.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Massey?

- What a beautiful apple.
- Strange. Such good-looking girls, aren't them?

- Not a homely one among them.
- Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

Years ago, when I started doing
welfare work, it was quite the reverse.

Well, in those days
women wore long skirts.

The only ones that were acquitted...

were the ones smart enough
to cross their legs during the trial.

- What a peculiar psychology. Have an apple, dear.
- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Massey.

- And I have a magazine for you, my dear.
- Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

And here's the latest style
magazine for you.

Girls, isn't this jolly?

Dewey's won the Battle of Manila.

- I oughta-
- Why don't you leave me alone?
I haven't done anything to you.

- What a jam!

Let 'im alone!

- What do you mean let him alone?
- I said let him alone. Scram, kid.

What are you gonna do?
Make a favorite of that punk around here?

- Keep your hands off him.
- Say, who are you to tell me
to keep my hands off anybody?

What's the matter, Steve?
What's all the trouble?

Pop and I found this big lug,
and he give me an argument.

He thinks everybody's scared of him.

- Sure, everybody's scared of me.
- Everybody's scared, are they?

You don't wanna bother with them guys.
It's a waste of breath.

I know, but look out for your arm.
Look out for your arm.

- Hey, the "ame-day" is waitin' at the "ate-gay."
- Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Hey, Steve.
I wouldn't go down there.

Keep away from that girl. Gettin' pretty near
your parole. I wouldn't take any chances.

Yeah, listen, kid.
He's right about that.

You do what Pop says,
and you'll never go wrong.

- I'll go.
- Hey-

Hey, some guy hit a great big lug
out there right on the button.

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry.
I butted into something.

I didn't know. She don't want to see me.
She wants to see you.

- Me?
- Yeah.

I didn't know that you two
were fond of each other.

Well, gee, I don't know
how fond she is of me...

but I think she's a fine girl.

- Well, ain't you never said anything to her?
- No, I haven't had a chance.

You know what the rules are. Oh, we waved
a couple of times from the window.

Well, you come on over.
I'd like to have you meet her.

Yeah, but listen,
if she's caught talkin' to me-

Don't let that worry you.
I'll take care of all that.

Hey, lug. Come here.

No, he means you.

Say, who do you think you are,
ordering me around? What do you want?

Judy's got a boyfriend
Judy's got a-

- Jean-
- Judy, there's a couple of fellas
in reception to see you.

I got the pass right here.

Jean, come over here. Your Uncle Danny
wants to tell you a fairy story.

Aw, Danny.

Why does a chicken cross the street?

To get on the other side.

Heard you were being paroled
in a few days.

Yes, I am.

I just wanted to say good-bye
to you before you left and...

thank you for being so sweet
to me that day in the office.

Well, that's all right.

I've- I've been trying
to get to see you too...

because, well, l- I have a lot of things
I want to talk to you about.

Remember that first day in the office
when I asked you if you were engaged?

Yes, and I said,
"Is that on the card?"

Yeah. Well it-
You know it wasn't.

I wanted to know because-

Well, are you engaged?

No, Steve, I'm not.
Are you?

No, I'm not.
Oh, but I'd like to be...

to you.

Now, look out for this one, Jean.
This is a hard one.

Why does the president of the United States
wear a high silk hat?

To keep his head warm.

I'm on the level too, Steve.
But I guess it- it can't be.

Why not?

Well, I've heard all about
your home and your family and-

- Well, I'm-I'm just-
- Well, wait a minute.

That's just storybook stuff about the rich boy
and the poor girl not being able to marry.

Doesn't count here at all.

When we get outta here, we're just
gonna be a couple of ex-convicts...

and that's not storybook stuff.

We got to start all over,
bottom of the ladder.

And l-
I'd like for us to start together.

Well, that is, if-
if you're fond enough of me.

I am fond of you, Steve.

I'm more than fond of you.

If there was five birds in a tree,
and St. Louis and I shot one of the birds...

how many of the birds
would be left in the tree?

None, because they'd all fly away.

Jean, you ain't been reading a book,
have you?

- No.
- Can't understand it.

- I'll wave you an answer tonight.
- Beat it, kid.

- Judy, that isn't the man you-
- Judy, tell 'im you're not at home.

- Fellas, Miss Fields.

- Fellas, Miss Fields.

Two minutes.

Well, darling, here I am.

Just three months too late, Frosby,
and never mind the "darling."

- But, Judy-
- I didn't come in here
because I wanted to see you.

I came in here because I wanted
to tell you what a dirty rat you are.

- You don't understand-
- I do understand now.

I thought your business
was a little shady...

but I didn't know
it was gonna land me in jail.

- Well, it's finished. I'm paying for it.
- What could I do?

What could you do?
You could have stayed and faced it out...

not run away like a coward
and leave me to take the rap.

Listen, Judy. I've got friends and influence,
and I've got some dough left.

- I can get you out, and we can go away.
- We? We can't do anything.

I'm through with you and all your kind.
Now, listen.

There's a fine, clean kid inside,
and he's stuck on me.

And I'm crazy about him.

He gets outta here in a week.

He's gonna wait for me.

We're gonna start together
at the bottom of the ladder-

Steve and I.

- Steve.
- Yes, that's the name of the kid
that's waitin' in there for me.

He's waitin' in there now
for my answer.

Okay, Judy.
Time's up!

Genny, be sure this gets to him.
Don't forget.

And Genesis, poor lamb.

Oh, Miss Massey. Miss Massey.

You is such a good woman.

- And I's such a bad woman.
- No, Genny.

If I'd only met you
when I was a little child...

I'd have been in my chariot...

on my way to glory.

- There, there.
- Oh, Genny.

You mustn't cry like that.
Everything's gonna be all right.

- Don't cry.

That's two chocolate bars
and an apple you owes me now.

- What's goin' on?
- Signal.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, from the women's quarters.

- Oh, is that how they do it?
- Sure. Didn't you know that?

With all the cans you've been in.

Yeah, but I never stayed in one
long enough to find those things out.

- What does it say?
- Wait a minute.

Message...

gate.

- Good day, boys.

Mrs. Massey, look at your shoes!
All dusty again. Imagine that.

Why, boys, every time I come through
that gate, you clean off my shoes.

- That's all right, Mrs. Massey. It's a pleasure.
- Not at all.

- Good-bye, boys.
- Good-bye.

- Good-bye. Did you get it?
- For Steve.

Ah, none of them bimbos
ever write me.

No sex appeal, my boy.
No sex appeal.

- Where's Steve?
- Why?

- I got a kite for him.
- I'll take it.

- You'll take it?
- I'm in on this.

Oh.

Hey, don't look over my shoulder
when I'm reading Steve's mail.

This is from a lady.

Hey, Steve.
Come here a minute, will ya?

- Congratulations, Steve.
- For what?

Well, you're e-
Uh, I got a little note here for you.

I'm engaged.

- No!
- Yeah.

- Judy.
- No!

Yeah.

Hey, you fellas-
You didn't read this, did you?

Nah.

Four times six- 25.

- No, dear. It's 24.
- Hello, Judy.

- How's the youngster getting on?
- Just fine, Warden.

That's great.

1136 wants to see you, boss.

- I'm busy.
- It's Steve. He wants to say good-bye.

Oh, sure.
Show him in.

Good luck to you, my boy.

Thanks, Warden.

I, uh, I know
it's against the rules...

but could I give you a message
for a girl here?

A prisoner?

You see, we're, well-
We're engaged.

I want her to know that
I'm gonna work hard for her...

and make something of myself
so that when she's free-

Just you wait a moment. Wait till
I get a pencil and write that message down.

- Here's a pencil, Daddy.
- All right, bring it to me.

How am I going to get it
unless you bring it to me?

- I'll write every week.
- I won't write at all.

Your family mustn't see letters
with this postmark.

They mustn't know.

Don't worry.
I'll stick it out.

It's only five months.

You won't forget?

Huh? Oh-Oh, yes.
I found a pencil.

Now, what was that message?

Well, what I wanted to say was,
"Thanks."

So long, Jean.

Four times eight- 43.

- He's gone.
- Four times nine-

- Bye-bye.

- Don't come back!
- I'll do that.

Take care of yourself, kid.
I'm gonna miss you.

- Look out for the kids.
- You bet I will, Steve.

- Bye!

Well, Stephen!
Why, I'm glad to see you.

Thank you very much, Mr. Sterling.
I'm glad to be home.

Well, good-bye.
Hope you've enjoyed the service.

- Yes, we have.
- Hope to see you next Sunday.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye, girls. Good-bye.

Glad to see you.

- Why, hello, Steve.
- Hello.

- How's China?
- Oh, fine.

Thought you'd be wearing a pigtail.
You going back there?

No. Not till I've been around home
for a while.

No, he's going home a while
and get some of Mother's good cooking.

How do you do, sir?

You're a stranger here, aren't you?

- Yes.
- I'm glad to see you at our service.

Thank you very much.
Most delightfully edifying.

- My name is Frosby.
- I'm Reverend Sterling.

Delighted to meet you, I'm sure.

- Oh, isn't that Stephen-
- Jordan. Do you know him?

No, I'm not acquainted with him personally,
but I know a very dear friend of his.

- I should be delighted to introduce you.
- Most gracious of you.

Mr. Jordan, will you allow me
to present Mr. Frosby?

- How do you do, Mr. Frosby?
- This is her son, Stephen.

- How do you do?
- How do you do? My sister, Cynthia.

- How do you do?
- Ma'am.

I'm very, very pleased to meet the Jordan
family. In fact, I might say I was most anxious.

- Really?
- Indeed. Your son and I happen
to have a mutual acquaintance.

- Yes?
- A Miss Fields. A Miss Judith Fields.

- She was formerly in my employ.
- Really?

How interesting. Perhaps you'd come
and have supper with us tonight.

- Mother, l-
- It's all right, dear.
Sophie always has enough for a dozen.

- You'll come, won't you?
- Thank you very much.

- Good-bye, Mr. Sterling.
- Good-bye.

- Supper is at 6:00.
- I shall be there most promptly.

See you this evening.

Oh, I'm going to open up
a branch office here.

Of course, I shall miss Judy.
She was a most valuable assistant.

But as you know everyone in town...

you may be able
to take her position.

Don't forget your ABC's, boys.

Hiya, lug.
What are you doing in there?

- We're takin' intelligence tests.
- Thought we was trying out for the show.

Hey, you're in the wrong line.
Get over in front of the welfare building.

Any of you guys that's
trying out for the show.

You stick here.
You're gonna take a test.

You better take that intelligence test, boy.
You'll need it.

- Hey, Happy.
- Yeah?

- Gimme the works here, will you?
- Right.

Come on, come on.
Get a little pep into it. What's the matter?

- What's the matter with you? You stiff?
- St. Louis.

Keep your back turned, kid.

- Heard from Steve?
- No.

I have.
He's in a jam.

- How?
- You know Frosby?

- He's the guy you took the rap for, isn't he?
- Yeah.

He followed Steve to New England.
He's trying to use him.

- Blackmail, huh?
- The old stock racket.

- He threatened to-
- Yeah, yeah. I know.

He's gonna tell the folks
that Steve was in the stir, huh?

- What'll I do?
- You don't do nothin', kid.

Just leave it to me.

- Say, listen, Judy.
- Yeah?

- Are you really stuck on Steve?
- Yeah.

There's, uh, no chance for a guy
to muscle in there, is there?

I'm on the level.

- I really love him.
- Okay, baby.

What does m-o-r-o-n spell?

Why-Why, that spells moron.

I passed, 100%.

- Hey, lug, you was never
in New England, were you?
- No.

Well, you're goin' now.

Hello, fellas.

As you know, we're gathered here tonight
for our annual entertainment...

which is sponsored by
our good friend, Mrs. Massey.

Also, we have as
our honored guests...

a number of people from the outside,
which we take great pleasure in welcoming.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

I take great pleasure in introducing
our master of ceremonies-

One who is a master of ceremonies,
one who has acted in a similar capacity...

in a great many institutions
of this kind...

both in this country and abroad...

and one whom we hope to have with us
for many, many years to come.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I take great pleasure in introducing
our master of ceremonies...

Honest John Jessup!

Mr. Warden.

Ladies... and gentlemen.

I can scarcely find the words
to express my gratitude...

in having being selected as master of ceremony
for this delightful performance.

It is a very unusual compliment.

And now,
with your kind permission...

I take infinite pleasure
in presenting that ever-popular team...

Black and Blue.

Come on there, Blue.
Let me ask you somethin' now.

You owe me some money,
and what I wanna know is...

- when is you gonna pay me my money?
- Why, I pay you when you alone.

- When I'm alone?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm alone now.
- No, you ain't. I'm here.

- What is that thing you got there?
- That's my bazooka.

- But-
- Musical instrument.

Bazooka? You don't mean
to tell me you get music outta that.

- Sure, I do.
- Let me see this thing.

That ain't nothin'
but an old piece of gas pipe.

- Yeah, but I makes my livin'
with that piece of gas pipe.

Yeah, but I play
good music on this thing.

Let me hear you
play something on it.

I'm just gonna play
the "St. Louis Blues" on this thing...

in honor of St. Louis.

- I'll be seeing you.
- Go ahead, mister. Will you play it for me?

Gee, those guys are swell!

Oh, we certainly knocked them
cold out there tonight.

- Boy, they're laughin' out there yet.
- Mi, mi, mi-mi-mi-mi.

Mi, mi, mi.

Come on, kid.
Knock 'em in the aisles. You're a cinch.

- They're a pushover.
- Gee, but I'm scared.

Go on out and look 'em in the eye
and sing, kid.

They can't walk out
on you anyway, kid.

- Well?
- Well, I ain't goin' through with it, I tell you.

Now, listen.
I never break my word.

And I gave my word to Judy. And we're goin'
to New England, and we're goin' tonight.

I can't go to New England, not tonight.
I'm in the finale.

- Oh, what's the use, St. Louis?
- Say, listen.

If you don't do like I tell you,
it's gonna be your finale.

All right, I'll go.
What's that got to do with the act?

- It's part of my plan, you sap.
- Oh.

- What do I do when I get on the stage?
- You just stand there.

- Don't I sing or dance or do nothin'?
- Yeah. You do nothin'.

I'm gettin' smart.
There's somethin' screwy about this.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
our next act will hardly need an introduction.

Allow me to present
St. Louis and Company.

Thanks very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, they've asked me to do
my little bit for the entertainment tonight.

I can't sing, and I can't dance.
But I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll do an act that I used to do when I was
a little kid and ran away with the circus.

This is a knife-throwing act,
and I use a human target.

And the gentleman that's kindly
consented to act as my target tonight...

is none other than my old
partner and pal, Dannemora Dan.

Right over there, Danny.

Right over there.

Listen, you guys wanna be quiet out there.
I gotta have absolute quiet.

Are all the lights in this theater controlled
from that switchboard right there?

- That's right, sir.
- Thanks very much.

- Throw a little more light on Danny's head.
- All right, sir.

Listen, you wanna remember that
I haven't done this act for a long time.

I'm liable to make a few slips.
You've got to overlook that.

I'll do my best though to go through
the act without any serious injury.

Now, Danny, Danny-

He missed him!

Quiet, quiet. Everybody, now-

Quiet, now. Quiet, boys.
Every man stay in his own place.

No commotion, please.

Miss Massey, will you leave by the side door?
Joe, open that door.

Thanks, boys. Thanks.
I'm proud of you.

Come on, boys.
Give the warden a great big cheer.

- I guess they made it.
- Yeah.

Frosby. You'd tell everybody
that I was an ex-convict.

- But now that you've started
to swindle my mother-
- Swindle?

She told me all about you. She told me
about every crooked deal you ever pulled.

- Well, what do you want me to do?
- I want you to get out of town.

Well, I won't get out of town.

And I'll tell your mother that you
weren't in China- that you were in jail.

- An ex-convict!
- You'd do that?

Well, you won't have to,
because I'll tell her myself.

- Now, listen, you little jailbird-
- All right, I am a jailbird!

But in jail, I learned how
to handle crooks like you!

You've been threatening me!
Now, I'll threaten you!

If you don't get out of this town
by tonight, I'll kill you!

We're not intruding, are we?

Oh, no, not at all, gentlemen.

Would you sit down?
Our business can wait.

Glad to know you, Mr. Jones.

- Well, what can I do for you?
- I wanted to have a little business talk with ya.

Well, you'll have to make it pretty short,
because he's leaving town.

- That's too bad.
I'll see you when you come back.
- He won't be back.

Oh. Well, that's-
that's tough.

Oh, say, by the way,
which is the best hotel in town?

Well, there isn't any best.
They're all terrible.

But I'd like very much
to have you stay at my house.

Oh, no. I don't wanna
put you to all that trouble.

Why, it won't be any trouble at all.

Really, I'd like to have you
meet my mother and my sister.

Give you a nice room,
and put him in the garage.

- Swell.
- And I know how you traveling men...

like to get a good home-cooked meal.

Ah, boy, now you're talkin'. Say,
I haven't had a home-cooked meal in year-

Uh, it's been quite some time now.

Okay, then.
Suppose we go right over?

Fine and dandy.
Come along there, brains.

There are millions
to be made in this stock.

Wrap that up and save it for me.
I'll be back later.

Frosby, be down at the train
tonight to make sure you don't miss it.

- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye.

- Say, listen, Frosby, what are you trying to do?
- Huh?

Those two guns from New York-
What about them?

I never saw them before.

- Say, have you got some new game
you're not gonna cut us in?
- Now, listen, cutie.

- As long as you're as pretty as you are-
- Oh!

Listen, if you even try
to double-cross us...

you know what will happen to you.

Aw, shut up!
Get out of my way! I'm busy.

Come on in, fellas.

- Oh.
- Hello, Mother.

- Hello, dear.
- Say, listen, Mother...

I brought a couple of friends home
to spend the weekend with me.

- You don't mind, do you?
- Oh, no, of course not. Bring them right in.

All right.
Come on in, boys.

Mother, I want you to meet Mr. -

- Jones.
- Do you belong to the Salem Joneses
or New Bedford Joneses?

Well, I'll tell you, ma'am,
I come from New York State.

Yes, you see, and this is Mr. -

- Dannemora.
- Oh.

- Say, where's baby?
- Danny Mora. I think she's upstairs.

Hello, Sis. Sis, I want you
to meet a couple of friends of mine.

This is my sister.
This is Mr. Jones and Mr. Mora.

- How do you do? How do you do?
- Thank you.

Now, come right in, children,
and make yourselves perfectly at home.

- Won't you sit down?
- Thanks.

- You sit here, will you?
- Thank you very much.

I'll take your hat. And I'll take your hat.
You can sit right here.

I hope you'll make yourselves
perfectly at home.

And you may smoke if you like.

Steve smokes.

I caught him once smoking corn silk
when he was a little boy.

Gee, Steve, that was wrong.

Well, anyway, he's grown up
to be a fine young boy.

I'll help Sophie get supper.

- Could I help you, ma'am?
- Oh, no, thank you, dear. Sophie's here.

Gee, Steve, this is great.
This is swell.

Boy, your mother and-
This is great.

- Do you like our home?

Sure.
And your mother's nice.

Pretty.

Who's his nobs here, your father?

Oh, no.
That's Abraham Lincoln.

Oh.

Is that him? I know.
The father of this country.

Come along, children.
Our dinner is served.

Now, let me see.
How am I going to seat you?

Mr. Sterling dines with us
about once a month...

so I'll put our newest guest,
Mr. Jones, at my right.

- Thank you.
- And, Mr. Sterling, my left.

And I'll sit here.

Oh, thank you, dear.

And, Mr. Mora,
you may sit next to baby.

Thank you.

And now, Mr. Sterling,
will you say grace?

Accept our thanks, O Lord,
for this food...

- and bless it to our use for thy namesake-
- Amen.

I think I'll take these flowers off.

Daffodils are lovely this time of year,
but they're in the way.

- Thank you, dear.
- You're welcome.

I hope you'll enjoy
your supper, children.

It's a very simple one.

Our regular Saturday night meal.

But no one in the country can cook them
as we New Englanders do.

Boston beans.

- Well, that's- that's splendid.
- Thank you.

- I'm so sorry Mr. Frosby couldn't come tonight.
- Frosby?

Yes. I invited Mr. Frosby to come
and have supper with us, but he couldn't.

Marvelous stock
he's offering for sale.

It ought to enrich
many of our townspeople.

Mr. Sterling, l-
I don't know very much about stocks, but-

Well, if I were you, I wouldn't invest
in any stock until I'd consulted my banker.

Are you going to invest much?

- Well, with my modest salary-
- Blessed are the poor in spirit.

For their's is the kingdom of heaven.

- Hayride! Hayride!

Oh!

- We didn't know you had company.
- Oh, that's all right, dear.

We're sorry if we're intruding.

Oh, no, you're not intruding.
Just a couple of friends for supper.

- Oh, Steve, aren't you going?
- Going where?

Well, your friends
are cordially invited...

to attend the third annual
hayride and dance.

- The choir leaders are giving it.
- You'd like to go, wouldn't you, boys?

- Sure!
- Where'd you put my hat?

Wait a minute.
There's plenty of time, Danny.

- Sit down, girls, and have a cup of coffee.

- Sophie, bring some coffee.
- Thank you.

No, they don't have hayrides
in New York.

Sophie, hurry with the coffee!

Helen, sing us a song.

Ah! Good evening, my dear boys.

- How do you do?
- Out in the night air, eh? Delightful.

Music and moonlight.
Well, enjoy them while you may.

It's always a pleasure
to see the young enjoy themselves.

To some of us, that has been denied.

But-Ah, well.

Ah. Good evening.
Good evening.

What was Frosby doing here?

Steve, I've just made
a wonderful investment...

that will make you and your sister
independent for life.

- You bought his stock?
- Yes, dear.

You gave him your bonds?

- Why, yes. Why?
- Nothing.

Nothing.

Aw, Steve don't know
anything about business.

He don't know how
those things are done.

You know, Mother,
I think you'd better go to bed.

You know, you had a hard day,
all those people here and everything.

Oh.
Always the nice little gentleman.

I believe I will.
Come along, Cynthia dear.

- Oh, Mother.
- Cynthia.

Well, gee,
I had a lot of fun. Thanks a lot.

- Thank you. Good night.
- Good night, boys.

- Good night.
- Steve will show you where
you're going to sleep tonight.

- Sure.
- Good night. Happy dreams.

Good night.

- Where are you goin'?
- You heard what I told that guy.

Not with that gat, you're not!

- You think I'm gonna stand by
and see him rob my mother?
- Shh!

- Give me that gun. Come on. Get out of my way.
- You'll wake up your mother.

Go on in there.
I wanna have a little talk with you.

- Here's a cigarette.
- I don't want one.

Smoke it!

Now, Steve,
you gotta snap out of this.

You're only a kid.
You're gonna marry Judy, ain't ya?

And you got a great home here,
and you got a wonderful mother.

And just one shot out of that gat,
and you're gonna blow the whole works.

- Well, you know what it means-
- Aw, forget it.

Forget it, Steve.
It's a sucker's game.

Nobody but chumps uses guns.

Steve.

Did you ever see a guy go to the chair?

Huh?
Well, I did.

I spent eight months
in that condemned row.

Watched 'em go one by one.
Pals of mine.

Guys that you'd say
good morning to in the morning...

and then you'd say
good night at night.

And then they'd go.

And I'd wait day after day,
week after week, month after month...

wonderin' if I was gonna
be the next one to go.

Let me tell you,
that's no picnic, kid...

listenin' to the drone of that lousy motor
and watchin' those lights go dim!

Come on.
Don't be a sap.

What am I gonna do?

Don't worry about Frosby.

He'll be taken care of.

Well taken care of.

Say, what do you think Danny and I
come up here for, to go on hayrides?

Steve?

Yes, Mother?

Aren't you going
to say good night to Mother?

Coming, Mother.

There you are, Steve.
There's the works.

- What's this?
- Your mother's bonds.

- Why, say- Gee, fellas, l-
- Aw, that's nothin'.

- But, listen, I could-
- Aw, forget it.

Steve, we gotta scram. We got a date.
Besides, if you're seen around here with us...

it'll break your parole,
and you know what that means.

And, Steve, we're gonna tell Judy
just exactly what you told us to tell her.

- Word for word.
- Make her believe it, will ya?

Steve, you're on the square
with Judy, ain't ya?

You bet I am.

That's all we wanted to know.

Oh, and...

here's a little-
little piece of poetry l-

I copied out of a book.

Give it to her for me, will ya?

Why, Sure, Steve.
Sure.

- Hey, that's our freight.

Now, wait a minute.

Nuts!

Don't forget, boys,
everybody on their toes.

This is a tough bunch of hombres and they
crave action, and you should see them slug.

Now, listen, fellas.

I've been in this can 40 years,
and my one ambition-

- Is to get out.
- Oh, shut up!

No.
It's to win the-

the Institutional Championship three times.

You won it twice already
and nearly copped it again last year.

- I would've too if my third baseman
hadn't sat down on me.
- Sat down on you?

- Yes.
- Electrocuted.

Look out for his arm, will you?

And now, St. Louis
and that other gorilla...

have to walk out on me
just one week before this big game.

Now, here's what I want you
to do, fellas. I'm pretty old.

I haven't got very far to go.

But I'd be the happiest guy in any jail
if I could cop this game today.

Now, will you go in and fight
and try to win for old Pop?

- That's the way to talk.

Now, remember our slogan-

From first base
to second base to third base, we roam.

Be it ever so humble,
there's no base like home.

That's the place that counts-
home base.

And remember who you're playin' with-
a bunch of crooks.

No ethics.
Show 'em that you're gentlemen.

I want everything in this game
on the up-and-up.

- Like needles!

Go after those guys now!

You know, St Louis,
what my ambition is?

To ride on a real train
with towels and everything.

In the distance,
one sees the gray walls and towers...

of dear old Bensonatta.

- Home again, pal.
- Yeah, and I'm glad to get back.

Now have you got that poem
for Judy, ya half-wit?

Why, certainly.
I got it right here. There ya are.

How are ya, Bill?
How's your team?

We'll give you a game, all right.

If our pitcher hadn't busted out,
you wouldn't have a chance.

- Oh, yeah?
- Good luck.

- Same to you.

Now, listen, fellas,
this game is gonna be on the square...

and be gentlemen at all times.

- Sure, sure. Where's your pitcher?
- There he is.

- Oh, is this your pitcher?
- Yeah.

- Now, remember, the game's
gotta be on the up-and-up.
- Okay.

- None of that, you know. And none of that.
- No?

- Not through the game.
- And none of this! See what I mean?

- Where's your pitcher?
- Right here, buddy.

Oh, uh, I've heard about you.

- You just heard the rules, didn't ya?
- Sure.

- None of that!
- Say, what's the idea?

- And none of that!
- Come on! Leave him alone!

And none of that!

- You don't have to show him that.
- No?

- Didn't I tell you there was none of that?
- Sure!

- And that?
- Well, how about this?

- Say, what's the idea? Leave that bat alone!
- Come on! Play ball, you guys!

All right, everybody ready?
Good luck.

- Come on!
- Lots of luck. Go right to it.

Over the fence.

- I'll get that ball for ya, Warden.
- Oh, let me get it.

Okay to come in?

- Good-bye, dear.

Good luck.

St. Louis!
Hello, Danny.

Gee, I'm sorry to see
you kids back here again.

Oh, that's all right, kid. I told 'em
I'd be back, and I never break my word.

Besides, I'll tell ya, it wasn't so much fun
out there as you might think.

You know, travelin' around
by yourself all alone.

- Wasn't I with you?
- Yeah, that's what I mean.

Say, what are you gonna do, kid?

I don't know.

I'll go back to the old racket,
I suppose.

No, no. No, no.
You won't go back to the old racket.

You're goin' right to New England.

- New England?
- Sure.

- Steve's waitin' for you.
- Steve's waitin' for me?

Well, I'm tellin' ya he's waitin'-

Listen, he gave us a message to give to you.
He- He told us to tell ya-

What was that message
that he gave us?

Well, he told us to tell you
all about the-

the birds and the-
the lilacs-

you know, flowers-
and the-the blue skies...

and, uh, the love
what comes but once-

Well, the meat of the whole thing
is you're to go back to New England.

Yeah, yeah. Now,
what he's trying to tell you is this.

You know.
You know, the birds are singin'...

and the- and the flowers...

and the river's kind of-

It's pretty, ain't it?
And it's all- It's-

Well, listen, here's the dough
for you to go back there with.

- I don't need it.
- Sure you do.

Them Chinese mannequin coats
cost a lot of jack.

- Chinese coats?
- Why, certainly.
Steve's gonna take you to China.

- We told you that, didn't we?
- Sure.

Tokyo, Honolulu-
All them Chinese towns.

Say, are you kiddin'?

No.

You mean Steve is...
really waitin' for me?

Say, what the heck-
Listen, baby.

I am tellin' ya on my word,
and I never break my word.

That's one thing
I'll say for the louse.

Hey, Sam.
Now here's your big chance.

We're gonna send you in there to hit that ball.
Do you think you can do it?

- Sure, Pop.
- That's a boy. Okay.

Now, listen. If ever you laid on
an apple in your life, lay on this one.

It's our only chance to win.
You'll do that for your old pals, won't you?

- Sure.
- All right. Do it for Pop.

- That's the boy.

Hello there, Warden.

So you're the fellow
that never breaks his word?

Oh, now, listen, Warden.
I'm sorry about that.

But I had to leave in such a hurry,
I just couldn't say good-bye.

You know that this
doubles your sentences, don't you?

- All right, I'll redouble.
- Gee, that makes me 286 years.

I won't need that.

- Take them to the cooler.
- Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Judy's gone, and we're
losing the ball game.

- Huh? Yeah?
- That's right, Chief. Three runs behind.

Take 'em to the cooler.

Send St. Louis and uncle Dan to the cooler
when we're losing the ball game?

Oh, now, listen, Warden.
You're not gonna do that.

With Jean and the gang waitin' for us
out there, we gotta win that ball game.

Look here, St. Louis.
Can I trust you and Dan...

to go out to that diamond
without leaving us?

I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you my word...

and you know that
I never break my word.

- No?
- Well, never twice in succession.

Take 'em to the cooler.

After the game!

Why does a fireman
wear red suspenders?

- To keep his trousers up.

Say, St. Louis, you know that fellow
McDowell on the other side?

Now, don't give him a high ball.
Keep 'em down and close-

I don't care if there was a rumble seat
on the car or if there wasn't!

If it hadn't been for you, we wouldn't
be spendin' a month in the cooler!

Will you shut up
about that rumble seat?

Take that cigar out of your mouth.
You're in training.

- All right!
- And I'm tellin' ya, there was a rumble seat.

I don't care.
Ever since I met you, I've been in trouble.

Yeah, well, you know,
you're no turning point-

St. Louis! Say, what are you guys runnin'?