Up the Front (1972) - full transcript

Frankie Howerd stars in this comedy as a lowly boot-boy who is a terrible coward. He only goes to war in 1914 after he has been hypnotised to 'save England'. With the German master plan tattooed on his backside (this is the only way he could get the plan back to the British), he goes to the British headquarters, with the Germans in hot pursuit, to try and 'hand over the plans'!!!

(jet engine revs)

(sonic booms)

(guns firing)

(men shouting and guns firing)

- Greetings,

may I introduce myself?

My name is Lurk, and I come
from a long line of Lurks,

each and everyone a,

how can I put this, a coward.

(inspiring music)

* Up the front, up the front,

* The boys are
going up the front

* While we sit at
home learning to knit

* Little Tommy Atkins
is doing his bit

* Up the front, up the front

* That's where
the boys are going

* When we get there
they won't have a chance

* They'll lead jerry
a hell of a dance

* For just three and four
pence we're gunner and bums

* Up the front, up the front

* Up the front, up the front

* The boys are
going up the front

* Give 'em all a kiss
something like this

* So they'll never know
what they're gonna miss

* Up the front, up the front

* That's where
the boys are going

* We'll fight harder,
the tougher you please

* They won't worry
whatever they've seen

* And back in your arms
we'll forget that we've been

* Up the front, up the front

* The boys are going up

* The front

(soft music)

- [Man] All up, all up.

- Where's me boots eh Groping?

- With Lurk.

I'll fetch them milord.

- My shoe Fanny and be quick.

- Yes milady, no milady,

I'll go and tell
Lurk at once milady.

- My boots valet.

My sand brown belt.

- With Lurk sir.

- Off.

- Sir.

- Yes, you guessed it,
I'm the under footman.

And you can't get
much lower than that.


did you know I have to do
all the cobbling as well?

It's not fair, because there's
a load of cobblers up stairs

and they're all a bit slack.

Oh here it is.

His masters voice.

- His lordship wants his boots.

Chip like.

- And Lady Twithampton's
feet are bare.

- Captain Nigel wants his
boots, quick for the use of

and a belt, quick.

- Alright, alright.

There's your quick belt for
Ni and there's his boots.

Here's his lordships wellies.

Now, where's the old
bag's shoes gone?

Oh here they are.

- Thank you Mr.
Lurk, you're welcome.

- Nice girl.

Bit spoiled, a bit
despoiled actually.

Well he's always after
her, the butler Groping.

What, that's not only his name,
that's his hobby, groping.

Look at this, come here.

Ah, there's the fanny
I worship from afar.

She has a soft spot for
me as well you know.

Though she doesn't
show it very often.

- Ha, Fanny, here's
me over 40's covered.


Now I'm ready for anything.

- Here comes old Groping.

Why Lord Twithanpton took
him on I shall never know.

They're a very particular
family, the Twithamptons.

Oh yes, oh yes, you have
to be vetted you know.

(girl screams)

I must say they didn't do
a good job on old Groping.

- Mr. Groping what
are you doing?

- What never can be
undone by the look of it.

- Ah Fanny.

- Oh unhand me Mr Groping.

This instant.

- Don't fight it Fanny,
it's bigger than both of us.

- Yes, that's why
she's fighting it.


- Oh, Mr Groping, you're not
going to rape me, are you?

- (mumbles)

Heads or tails.

- Tails.


- She's lost.

And she's pleased.


(growls and giggles)

what a strange thing
to use braces for,

that's stretching it a bit.


- You can't do this Mr Groping,
what about his Lordship?

- I don't fancy his Lordship.

- Oh.

- I must save her.

For meself.

I say Groping is
that you in there,

I have to inform you that
her Ladyship is expecting.

- Pardon?

- To go for a drive
after luncheon

will you kindly
tell the chauffer

to get the motor car prepared?

- [Groping] Yes sir.

- Oh and by the way Groping,

give that chap Lurk the
rest of the day off.

Splendid fellow that.

- What were you
doing down there?

- Oh how can I answer that
with this dreadful thing

hanging over me.


Don't worry Fanny, I've
fooled his fondling.

- Yes, thanks, for nothing.

- Hmm,

nothing she calls it.

Well she doesn't know
any better poor soul.

Still, I love her dearly
even if she is only

just a common little trollop.

'Course round here she's
known as Fanny by gaslight,

or my moonlight, or by
sunlight, or by candlelight,

I mean it's all the same to her.

She always closes
her eyes anyway.

- Come here you.

Ha ha, I'll teach you to
interfere in me private life.

- Oh Mr, your life is
no concern of mine.

Especially your private parts.

- Uh?

- Ah there you are Groping,

I've been looking
all over for you.

- Yes milord.

Your cravat, it's
drooping a little.

- That's no surprise
is it, he is 75.

- Ah thank you Groping.

One must look smart in one's
countryside apparel what?

- Silly old fool, he's convinced
there's gonna be a war.

- Indeed milord.

The hun is knocking
at the gate again.

- What rubbish, who would
dare to start a war with us?

- Morning governor.

- [Lord] Ah Nigel.

- Looks like the boom
might go up at any moment.

And I'll be off to the war.

- Well do be careful won't you,
a lot of strange women about

these days.

- Uh sir, war.

W A R.

- Oh I see, well, if
it does come to arms,

chance is it's going to
be terribly hard on me

and your mother you know.

Cooped up here, hope we don't
get on top of each other.

- Don't worry, there's
no fear of that.

- Still for King and Country eh?

We'll give old Fritz
his comeuppance.

- By jingo we will sir.

- There's not going to be a war.

We're British and
after all this is 1914.

The young people today
would never allow it.

- [Newsboy] Extra, read all
about it, war is declared.

War is declared extra.

- Well anyone can
make a mistake.

- Lurk, go get a paper.

- Extra, extra, extra,
war is declared.

War is declared, England
declared war on Germany,

England declares war on Germany.

Extra, extra, extra,
war is declared.

War is declared, England
declares war on Germany,

England declares war on Germany.

- Oy son, what did you say?

- England declares
war on Germany.

- Well, now take it down
a bit for goodness sake,

you'll hurt yourself.

- England declares
war on Germany.

- That's better.

Thank you.

- Sir John French
has been appointed

to command the
expeditionary forces.

- And I'm ready sir.

- Well done.

What about you Groping?

- Oh I shall join the
colors your lordship.

- Good, take the night off.

- Thank you my lord.

- Stroke of half past
nine, off you go.

Oh special occasion, give
the staff the night off too.

- Very good sir.

- Damn me, one must make
sacrifices, though of course

it'll all be over by Christmas.

- Course they do say it'll
all be over by Christmas.

- You'll still get
your bit of pudding,

even if it isn't.

- Beg pardon?

- Your season of
goodwill to all men dear,

you know how you
like a little goose.

- Mr Groping's taking
me to a meeting

in Belgrave Square tonight.

He's going to volunteer.

- Is he?

- You're joining up aren't you?

- Uh, ah,

well, I mean, if it's
gonna be over by Christmas

I mean what's the point?

- You mean you're not going
to fight for your country?

- Look, I tried to see the
other chaps point of view.

Perhaps the filthy bosh
enjoy being filthy.

Who ami to criticize
other people's habits?


- That's a white feather,

for cowardice Mr Lurk.

- Fanny gave me a white
feather, she called me a coward.


I don't know.

The only thing I shall stuff
shall be an eider down.

Oh I'll pop this with the
other family heirlooms.

Where did she say she was going?

To a recruiting rally?

(trumpet music)

In Belgrave square?

- Call out for the (mumbles)

come and see the great
Vincento performing.

Roll up to know,
roll up, roll up.

(cheers and applause)

(piano music)

- And now ladies and
gentlemen, my assistant

the lovely Velma
will move among you,

and recruit, if I may
use an appropriate word,

enlist the services
of a gentlemen

who will assist me in
my final demonstration,

here on the

on the

- [Man] Get on with it.
- stage.

- He'd like to try, you'd
like to volunteer now,

wouldn't you sir?

- No I'd rather.

- Alright come along now sir.

Come along.


(audience applause)

- He's a coward.

- [Crowd] Yes you are.

- Come this way my dear sir.

Over here.

That's right let me look
at you, stand over here

yes, look at me.

You are not a coward.

- Uh, well, yes, I mean.

- Enough.

Just stand there.

- Here?

- And only observe.

You who scoff at the
spirit of the science

of hypnotism.

- [Crowd] To right.

- Prepare to be not only
surprised but amazed.

(man blows raspberry)

I will take your breath away.

- I wish you'd take yours away.

- Enough,




Ah that's it.


Good, good.

You want to sleep,

deep sleep.

Deep sleep.

deep sleep.

(crowd snores)

deep sleep.

(piano trails off)










(cheers and applause)


open your eyes, ah.

You are Lord Nelson.

- Lord Nelson of England.

- Here is your spyglass.

- I spy with my little,

(gun fires)


Some damn Frenchies
put a hole in me.

Kiss me Hardy, kiss me.

- Enough.

Relax, sleep.


Trafalgar is won,

you are England's savior, now
you are Sir Francis Drake.

(cheers and applause)

- Sir Francis Drake.

I shall finish this game and
still crush the Spaniards.

Now where's me bowls,
I must have me bowls,

where's me orbs.

Just let me get my hands.

- Enough.




And now it is 1914,

(cheers and applause)

You must again save England,
we are at war with Germany,

save England.

- God save the King.

(cheers and applause)


- Good, here are your weapons,



- Come out of that
trench Fritz, come on.

I've saved old England again.

(triumphant piano music)
(cheers and applause)

- And now ladies and
gentlemen, I will have pleasure

in the (hiccups)

in bringing him out of it,

at the count of
three you will awake.




(cheerful piano music)

- He's drunk again.

- Sir, sir.

- Sleep deep.

- This way sir.

- But I must save England.

- This way sir.

- I must save England.

- Yes sir you must
after the show.

(entrance music)

- Hello lads and lasses,
here's Auntie Cora.

(cheers and applause)

* England, my England

* It's the only land for me

* It was made by God
from true British sod

* And she loves every
sod that she sees

- Come on lads, who's coming
up on stage to volunteer?

Who wants to be a blooming hero?

- Come on lads lets have
a quick fell, come on.

- Come on lads, there he
is, here's a brave lad.


(cheers and applause)

There's a kiss from Auntie Cora.

And here's your king's shilling.

There, sign over there.

Who's next, ah here's
another brave lad,

I'll be gunning for you, you
won't know what you're seeing.

Here's your shilling.

There we are from Auntie Cora



(cheers and applause)

What do you think you're doing?

- I'm going on to the pound.

- You're jolly not,
you'll sign down there.

- Oh, yes, yes, I
must save England.

- Aright son, being a
little pitcher in the army

will give you a helping hand.

- Thank you very much, ah yes.

I must save England.

(trumpet music)

(men marching and shouting.

(triumphant music)

- Oh,

thank you.


Alright, I'm alright.

Don't get brutal, so

this is it.

- It is.

- I must say it looks a bit
of a mess, still I just say

one will get used to it.

Alright, you may go my man.

Well, hello you may come and
pick me up when it's all over.



(engine revs)

Hey, what?


so that's what they
mean by the Arras hole.

(bomb explodes)

Ah the chaps'll
tell me where to go.

Oh excuse me,

could you?

Can you?

I say, would you?

Oh, oh,

I bet he would too, I should
think he's a godsend out here.


What am I gonna do.

- [Vincento] You'll
save England.

- Ah yes, save England.

Well now.


what the devil is Harry
Quigley doing here?


this is bad you know, not
a soul here to greet me.

I thought Kissinger
might have been here.




Must be somebody here, surely.

(woman squeals)

I don't believe it,

I must look for another command.

- You,

scotty, you come back here.

Now it's my,


It's Lurk.

- Yes, Mr Groping.

- (grumbles)

- Yeah,

- (grumbles)

its like being in the army,
its like being in the army.


That I am a sergeant major.

- Sergeant major,
I heard that bit.

- Which means as far
as you're concerned

that the sun shines up me ass.

- I must say its
been a short summer.


- (grumbles)

you make one mistake
and I'll have you,

I'll have your balls in a,

- Please Sergeant Major.

You see you don't understand,

I'm here to help you.

- Are you?

- Yes,

- That's very nice of you.

- Ah.

- Thank you very much.

Join us.

- Thank you very much,
now where shall I start?

- Over here.

- Over here.

- Sit down.

- Here, ah.

There we are.

- I have just the job for you.

- Ah,

(shoes clatter)


- And when I come back, I
want to be able to see my face

in them.

- If you're not careful
you'll see them,

in your bloody face.

- [Groping] Lurk!

(soft music)


(sexy music)

(triumphant music)

(trumpet calls)

(men grumble)

- All right you lot,

come on now hup, everybody up,

come on, turn it up,
come on let's have ya.

Come let's be having it.

Fall in.

(men grumble)

(alarm rings)

- Coming me lord, I've done
the boots I'll have your belt.

Where am I?

- Good morning, Lurk.

- Oh Good morning.

- I trust you slept well?

- Oh yes, very well, thank you.

- Seeing you here
reminds me of Fanny.

- Yes, everything does.

- That'll do.

You know Lurk, it is true I
have fallen over backwards

to be a father to you.

- Oh indeed you have sir.

- So now there is a little
something you could do for me.

- Of course.

- Get up.

Get up.

- Alright,

don't get your patties
in a caddy, I'm getting.

- Get dressed.

- Yes, I'll get dressed yes.

- And perhaps you would care
to join us on the parade.

- On the parade.

- Yes on the parade grounds.

You know where the parade
grounds is don't you?

- Ah yes first on the left yes.

- Exact

right well there's your rifle,

and here's your bayonet.

You know where to
put it don't you?

- Yes, I know where
I'd like to put.

- [Groping] Lurk!

- Yes yes.

(marching drums)


- Oh no where did
that one come from?

- He copped it in the rear.

- That's impossible, the
Germans aren't behind us.

- No sir he was butted
by the regimental goat.

- Who's side is that
bloody animal on?

That makes nine
casualties in three days,

two to the enemy and
seven to the goat.

I'd do anything to get rid
of that blasted animal.

- You need someone
to look after it sir.

- Yes, yes.

Now who's the most
expendable man we've got?


Private Lurk!

- Yes Sergeant Major?


(gun fires)

- Now you look like
a born leader to me.

- Well thank you very
much Sergeant Major,

well it had to come hadn't it.

- Yes, so I want you to lead.

- What?

- This.


- That?

- Yes, and keep the damn
thing under control.

I shall hold you
personally responsible.

Rear anchor, Sir John (grumbles)

- There you are.

I now pronounce
you man and goat.


- Silly sod.

(marching music)

(trumpet blasts)


Come back here, come back
here, he's only practicing.

That's all we need is
a stage struck goat.

Behave yourself you
bearded drop out.

Ah be a good boy.

Or a girl, what are you anyway.


Alright I'll take
your word for it.

- Alright, you lot.

Chins in,

chest out,

- Not you you four legged
country, get back there.

What are you doing
now, (grumbles)



(pants rip)

- I hope that goat
is under control.

- Well it's under something,
but it's not control.

Oh no.



- [Groping] You're on a charge.

- Two million car-ky
backsides in France

and it has to pick his.




- Damn cockroaches.

And I'd seen it.


Blast, missed him.

Here you, tanker-waller,
where's them spuds then?

- Hello, lucky I
cleaned that yesterday.


- I'm off for romantic
assignation with a young lady.

- Are you?

- I have a tryst.

- Do you, oh, have
you stained yourself?

- I'm seeming my beloved
Mademoiselle Frou Frou

in about 10 minutes from now.

- Mm-hmm.

- She's sweet innocent and
adorable and I love her

you don't know how much.

- I do.

25 francs including
soap and towel I hear.

- Don't be cheeky,
me and Frou Frou

we have a romantic meeting
at Madame Monique's gaff

every Wednesday, why
don't you try it.

- Because I do not frequent
that kind of gaff, that's why.

I've got better things
to do with my time.

- Yes, you can finish them
spuds off for a start.

You won't see me this afternoon,
I've been having it off.

- That doesn't surprise me.

He never stops by
the look of him.

(playful music)

(laughter and chatter)

That's that lot finished.

- [Vincento] You'll
save England.

- Now perhaps I can get
under the wheel of the war.


is that the lot?

Well I'll be, I don't think
I will be, not this afternoon

at any rate.

Oh dear.

Look at this, fat thing,
the two beady little eyes.

Reminds me of Groping.



God, what a,

oh I'm wounded.

I'm wounded, help, help.

- What's up?

- Look my finger.

Get me to the Royal
finger hospital quickly.

- I don't see any blood.

- (moans) You're right,

it's all gone, oh I'm
not gonna live infested.

Oh please, it's easy, will
you do something for me?

If I shouldn't recover,

would you give this to
my, my dear old mother.

- What is it?

- My father's address.

- Hey you do look a bit queer.

- Look this is the
only thing that's bent.

- You better nip over to the MO

and let him have a look at you.

- The MO?

Where's the MO?

- In the square.

- The square?

- Yup, you see a door
with MO on it, go on.

- The square.

- Before I change me mind.

(rain pours)

- [Driver] Get out of it.

(mud splatters)

- Oh dear, road hog.

Ah MO, right,
stand aside please.

(men grumble)

(playful music)

Good afternoon.

- But who let you in?

Can't you see, nobody is
free to take care of you?

We haven't got an empty bed.

- Don't worry about a bed,
oh no a chair will do nicely.

- A chair?

- Yes,

pardon me, yes sister.

- Sister?

- Oh you are a Canadian.

- Never mind about
the nationality.

Can you fix me up
now, straight away?

Be honest.

- Yes.

- It won't hurt will it?

- Nobody has ever
complained before.

- Do you think I'll be able
to use it again soon after?

- Well, not immediate
no, but I do hope

you will be coming here often.

- Hmm, charming.

We've got a right
bloodthirsty one here.

Couldn't you soak
it in warm water.

- Oh, you certainly have
very strange ways in Canada.

Look, you go upstairs
and you get undressed

and I will send somebody to
see you as soon as possible.

- Thank you sister, now will
you tell whoever you send

to treat me gently, because
this has never happened

to me before you know.

- I can quite
believe it, mon deiu.

- And tell whoever it is,
to be careful of the nail?

- The nail?

Oh we meet all kinds
in this business.

Now go, go.

- Oh,

must be group therapy,

oh well it's better than
basket weaving at any rate.

Oh, look,

there must be a terrible
shortage of beds here

nurse is taking his tonsils
out on the sofa, dear dear.

- A Canadian virgin, formidable.


- How was it?

- Right marvelous, she's
what the doctor ordered.

- Oh what a lovely little ward.

Odd looking sling, funny
people these french.

(playful music)

(taps foot)

- Oh, oh mon chere Sergeant.

- Madame.

We've got a nice day
for it haven't we, yes?

- I am terribly sorry,
there is nobody free.

- Nonsense madame, of course
there's somebody free,

company, hup hup, chop.

(men grumble)

Company two paces
backwards, march.

See madame I told you you
were talking nonsense, now,

who's going to be
the lucky girl.

You want your buttons cleaned,

see, oh dear me, all
the same old faces.

Haven't you got anything new?

- For you Sergeant, I have
something extra special.

Just arrived from Paris.



- I don't think my
back could stand that.

I'll have a try,
sounds very saucy.

- Yes, your room
number is seven.

- Makes a change
from number nine.

Thank you ma'am,
company as you were.

(laughter and chatter)

- Oh dear, there's a cold
wind blowing up the boulevard.

Hello, last fellow wore this

must have come in
with a problem.

- Oh these bloody stairs'll
be the death of me.

Ah here we are number seven.

- God Groping!


- Prepare to advance.

Ah rear guard action, we'll
soon storm that position.

Ah it's Lurk's sister.

Well, (grumbles)

- At last he's
found no man's land.

(upbeat music)

War diary, all quiet
on the western front.

Now, let's see.

Today I received a red
cross parcel containing

a balaclava helmet
and a treacle pudding,

I found the treacle pudding

when I put on the
balaclava helmet.

(bomb explodes)

The village has changed hands

with jerry's twelve times

during the past week.

Well now, as I can't win
the was at the moment

I think I'll write a poem.

- Everybody out.

Jerry's have captured the base.

Come on get together.

It's a raid, assemble together.



(bombs explode)

(somber music)

- Noisy riff raff.

(bomb explodes)


If I should die, if I died
I couldn't save England.

Am I, if i were wounded.

(speaks foreign language)

If I were wounded,
think, no, no,

I might be laid up, no,
wouldn't fancy that,

wounded no,

if I was scratched, that's it.


- Everybody out.

- I might get blood poison.

Oh dear, if I got
lockjaw, hmm, no,

I couldn't issue commands,

if I splinter, in aware,
that's the point isn't it.

Could turn septic.

Why should I be sacrificed?

If I should wound an enemy,
if I should would two enemies.

I shall annihilate
the whole German army.


(triumphant music)

Anyway you're looking tired,
I've been writing poetry.

- [Groping] Lurk come
here, I want you.

(troubled music)

(gunfire in distance)

- Is this it?

- Yes, this is no man's land.

- I'm not surprised, I
wouldn't have it as a gift.

- Now you are at a
forward observation post.

Your job is to keep your eye

on these German trenches over
there, any sign of movement

you are to report back to us.

Otherwise whatever
happens, stay here.

- Of course.

- Don't let them catch you
with your trousers down.

- Oh don't worry, don't
worry it's too cold I'll wait

until I get back.

- Alright, keep
your wits about you,

and don't let them see you.

- Alright, alright, wits
wits, you can rely on me sir.

- Yes I know I
can, to do a bunk.

I'll give him five minutes
and I'll bet he's gone

then I'll have
him for desertion,

that'll cook his
goose with Fanny, ha.

- [Vincento] To Save England.

(dramatic music)

- Colonel Gutz you
have the master plan?

- Yes Herr General.

- Open the safe captain.

- (speaks foreign language)

- No need to tell you
gentlemen what would happen

should this master plan
fall into enemy hands.

- We are aware of the
consequences Herr General.

- Good.

- You may sleep in peace
tonight Herr General,

the master plan is safe.

- Then let us retire.


(dramatic music)

(bonks head)

(bomb explodes)

- At last I've got Lurk
just where I want him.

(bomb explodes)

- Ha ha, trap is ready.

Now the British spider
will await the German fly.

(dramatic music)

(whistle blows)


- Hurrah.

(triumphant music)

- Dear oh dear what
a terrible night.

Can't see your hand
behind your back,

what's that, oh it's me
hand, oh dear oh dear,

well all seems quiet.

(branch snaps)

Halt, who goes there, approach
and give the password.

(goat bleats)

Oh no, it's Billy the kid.

What are you?

What are you doing out
here, you are naughty,

come on listen, look here son,

you and I must
have a little talk.

Man to goat.


I'll talk first
if you don't mind.

Now look, look, stand
still there, that's right.

Now listen to me, shh,
someone's coming, shh.


Ha ha.

Hands up, congratulations
you have the honor of being

my first prisoner of war.

- Lurk, it's me.

- Nigel but your Twithampton,
oh, you've changed.

Yes you have
changed haven't you?

You a traitor you'll
have defected,

you filthy swine, this is
what comes of being spoiled

by mommy and daddy.

- No, no, no, I'm not
really in the German army,

actually I'm intelligence.

- Well you could have fooled me.

- No, no, no.

British intelligence.

- British Intelligence?

- Lurk, I've been working
behind the German lines.

That'll put another two
years on the war at least.

- Good god is that a goat.

- I'm sorry, I'm
not allowed to say.

God this is nice isn't it.

I catch my first German prisoner

and it turns out to be British.

That'll look good in dispatches.

- Lurk what is it,

I have in my possession.

- Yes,

- A German master plan.

- Master plan.

- The whole war, now I've got
to get it to General Burke,

at army headquarters will
you take me to your CO?

- I'm sorry I can't, I
cannot leave my post.

- Damn it Lurk it's a
matter of life and death.

- I am sorry, nothing will make
me desert my post, nothing.

Except that, follow me.

(guns firing and bombs dropping)


- So the town is
in our hands again,

is the tent for my
headquarters ready?

- Ja wohl, all is
ready Herr Colonel.

- Good I want the staff
officers for a conference now.


(speaks foreign language)

(speaks foreign language)

- I say how much further?

- Not further, this is it,
for goodness sake keep calm.

You're an officer.

Now, funny, I don't
remember this tent.

- I think I do.

- Pardon?

- This is a German headquarters.

- Keep calm.

Please, there's no Germans here.

- [Man] (speaks
foreign language)

- There's some damn
good impressionists.

Come on.

- [Man] (speaks
foreign language)

- This way in here.

Look in there.

- What can you see?

- They've got a
damn great budgie.

- [Man] (speaks
foreign language)

- Now what can I
do with the plan?

- Put it in the safe.

- It's been in the safe.

- Oh.

- Where can I put it.

- Don't tempt me.

- [Man] (speaks
foreign language)

- There's somebody coming.

Where do we hide?

- In the, oh no
you've been there.

- Go under there.

- Oh yes.

- A damn silly time
to call a conference.

It's three o'clock
in the morning.

(dramatic music)

- Be seated gentlemen.

I suppose you think
it's a damn silly time

to hold a conference at three
o'clock in the morning hmm?

(men deny this)

- Perfectly logical
Herr Colonel.

- Good.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Colonel Von
Gutz, German intelligence.

- Colonel Von Gutz,

Colonel Von Gutz.

Sorry, force of habit.

- We are facing a great crisis.

We must consider
it very carefully.

Snuff, gentlemen?

What do you say?

(goat bleats)

What was that?

- Baaa, Herr Colonel.

- Very funny Hamburger.

Gentlemen, a master plan
of our armies in the field

has been stolen.

(men gasp)

There has been an
enemy amongst us.

We believe itself to be the
work of British intelligence

a certain Captain
Nigel Phipps Fortescue.

- [Men] Fortescue?

- That's me.

- Your pardon Herr Colonel,
but where was the master plan

at the time of the theft?

- In your safe Captain.

- No, that isn't possible.

That safe is heavily
guarded day and night.

- Silence.

Question is, how
was the plan stolen?

Well Captain, I'm waiting
for your explanation.


(men shout)

- It's Fortescue!


- Bless you.

- Get him and that
"bless you" fellow.


(shouts and cries)

- Freeze.

- Round, round, round.

Wait, go back.

- What do I do now, sing Swanee?

- Fire!

- Duck.

(gun fires)

- It's not duck
they're after, it's me.

(gun fires)

Good grief what's this
place, a tattooers shop?

- A tattooers shop,
that's his wife.

He practices on her.

- So does everyone else.

(gun fires)


- Pull the blind down.

- The blind yes.


- Go on, hurry, hurry.

They are somewhere
in the square.

Find them.

- The whole German
army after us,

in that case I better put
the chain on the door,

oh here he is, I might
have known, old faithful.

Wait a minute.

- [Colonel] You remember the
search light, leave it on

all the time I want to
see every building lit up

all the way.

- Come in, shh,
and wipe your feet.


- [Soldier] There's
nothing in there sir.

- [Colonel] Alright we search
the left, heil, heil, heil,

schnell, come on schnell.

(speaks foreign language)

over there, over there, move
yourself, move yourself.

- Lurk listen, this is
it, now Von Gutz knows

that I've got the
German master plan.

- Yes?

- And he'll stop at nothing
to prevent me from getting it

to General Burke.

- So?

- Someone's got to volunteer.

- Well there's only
me and the goat.

- It's got to be you.

- Me?

- Think of your army career.

You'll go up higher.

- Yes, angel first class.

- No, no, no, I mean,
they'll promote you.

- Promote me?

- Yes, you'll be an
officer and a gentlemen.

- An officer and a
gentlemen, you're right

that's my destiny, I'll do it.

- Bravo Lurk.

- You're welcome.

- Now remember the password.

- Yes.

- Boiled beef and carrots.

- Boiled beef and carrots.

- Now we have them, there are
only three shops in there.

(bomb explodes)

Man the guns, hurry,
those are British shells.

- What's that.

It's not the kettle boiling.


- Lurk?


What can I do with the plan?

Oh god, oh god, how
can I smuggle it out?


Why not?

I hope you don't mind Lurk.


(bombs explode)

- So naughty not now.

- (speaks foreign language)


- Hurry up you fools

- There's only one
shop left Herr Colonel.

- Give me that thing.

- Now to get rid of the plan.

Oh my god where are my lucifers?

- We know where you are so
come out with your hands up,

English swine.

- [Vincento] You
must save England.


(bombs drop)

- Save England.


- We've done it, we've done
it, we're gonna be alright.


- I must save England.

- Oh dear Mr Lurk, you've
been blown up by a shell.

- Have I?

- Oh, and you've got two
enormous swellings here.

- Yes I must help them.

- Have you any conception
what will happen if we do not

retrieve our master plan?

- Yeah, Herr Colonel
there is repercussions.

- Serious.


The entire German
army's on the march,

the master plan is in operation
now, it cannot be stopped.

- I shall stop the
British from taking

to their headquarters
Herr General.

- You shall.

- I shall get into their
hospital, Herr General.

- Poor Captain
Nigel's in a bad way,

he's been knocked silly.

- Typical of all
the officers here.

- Oh look is this
absolutely necessary?

- Absolutely, now
stop your nonsense.

- Oh dear, oh you might
have taken your ring off.

- It's a little gem.

- Thank you.


- Mr Lurk will you kindly
look on me as a trained nurse.

- Yes but I am not a
trained invalid am I?


- Turn over.

- I thought you'd never ask,
we almost reached the point

of no return.

- Over!

What's this?

- Well if you don't know dear,

something basic was left
out of your training.

- No I mean this.

- Well I mean that.

- There's something
written on it.

- What is it, made in Hong Kong?

- No, it says by order
of the high command

of the German army, this
smart plan is restricted.

- That's it.

- Oh.

- The master plan.

That's what Nigel was doing
behind my back, tattoo.

What a low down trick.

- It says top secret.

- Yeah well it could have
been better put, nevermind.

- What are you going to do?

- Do this is my
chance, my big chance,

my chance to save England.

Now, where's the headquarter,
I must get to headquarters.

I'm behind with my mission,
get the uniform will you.

Now which is the way out?

Oh, let's see
what's through here.



I don't believe it.

Where's my uniform.

- Lurk!

There's special uniforms
where you're going.


- Sir.

- You are going to
the Glass House.

- The Glass House,
I'm not a tomato.

I'm the savior of England.

- Please don't take him
with you Mr Groping.

- Sergeant Major Groping to you.

He's arrested for desertion.

You're for the high jump.

- What is going on here?

- He's the one you want,

he's a German spy.

- I beg your pardon sir.

Now that will add
insulting an officer

to your list of targets.

- But officer?

Her my Auntie Joyce.

Meant to give the
game away then.

- Can I have a private word
with you please doctor?

- Yes.

- Please don't let them
take Private Lurk doctor.

- Oh why?

- He's got some battle
information on him.

- Has he.

- Mmm, and he must get it to
General Burke at headquarters.

- Don't worry my
dear, leave it to me.

- Thank you doctor.

- My pleasure.

Sergeant Major you're to
leave this man in my care.

- Don't leave me with him.

He's a spy.

- How would you like a
crack across the head

with my Billy cock.

- What are you an acrobat?

- Help me get him
to a private ward.

- No.

- With pleasure sir.

- I need to interro-

give him the help he needs.


Come on nurse, come with us.

- Oh dear, gallant young
soldier cut down in his prime.

I haven't had it yet.

- Oh hello boys.

- Look meals on wheels.

- Come along boys what about
a couple of choruses for Cora?

- Yes come on, let's
raise a chorus for Cora.


* Up the front, up the front

* The boys are
going up the front

* While others sit at
home learning to knit

* Little Tommy Atkins
is doing his bit

* Up the front, up the front

* That's where
the boys are going

* When they get there,
won't stand a chance

* They'll give jerry
a hell of a dance

* For just three and four
pence we're bound to advance

* Up the front, up the front

- Sing doctor.

* Up the front, up the front

* The boys are
going up the front

* So give them all a
kiss something like this

* So they

- Thank you Resa, very nice.

* Up the front, up the front

* That's where
the boys are going

* They'll fight harder
the tougher the need

- Now I must get
to headquarters.

- I've got it.

- Still, you're lucky all
these soldiers around.

- No, look.

- You mean, get plastered?

- Sir?

- Farewell dear lady, you
are truly an angel of mercy.

- Oh it's the least a body
can do for our gallant Tommys.

- Where you taking this one?

- He's going in the
ambulance to headquarters.

- Just a minute.

Who've you got on there.

- Just a poor young trooper,

who's given his all
for his country.

- Poor, brave little chap.

One kiss, one last kiss.

- Oh god blimey, pickled onions.

- Lurk?

- Yes Mr Groping?


(dramatic music)

- After them.

- Quick, army headquarters.

Before I crack.

- Right.


- Colonel Von Gutz,

how would you describe
your behavior?

- Herr General.

I have failed.

- And you know the
penalty for failure?

- Yeah Herr General,
I will be shot.

- I am bound to offer you
the usual alternative.

- Oh thank you Herr General.

- You know what to do.

- You mean.


What did you see?

- [Men] Nothing.

- Neither did I.

The time has now come for
me to play my trump card.

General Burke is moving
his headquarters forward

of Amentieres and the stupid
British head of intelligence

has become infatuated
with a certain lady

called Mata Hari?

- Mata Hari?

- She is our top spy.

- You're not supposed
to know that.

General Burke is giving a
party in his HQ tonight.

As usual Mata Hari
will be by his side.

Gentlemen we are leaving
at once for Armentieres.

(party music)


- Here we are mate HQ.

- HQ?


You've been driving
me for 10 hours

and we're back where
we started from.

- It's not my fault if
they keep moving the HQ.

- Well I wish they'd
settle down somewhere,

this is so confusing.

Oh leader.

- I'll have me coat too.

- Alright, alright,

thank you.

- Toodle-oo.

- Toddle-oo.

There now, the thing is how
to get into there somehow,

meet General Burke, and
give him the master plan,

and thus save England.

The thing is how?

How to get in.

Oh dear, oh dear.

(horse neighs)

- Just a moment sir.

- Yes.

- Can I see your
invitation card sir?

- My invitation card.

- Ain't nobody can
come in here without

an special invitation
card from Mata Hari sir.

- Oh Mata, dear old Mata,
one of my greatest friends.

I knew him when
we were at school.

- Him?

Mata Hari's a lovely woman.

- I didn't tell you why
he was expelled did I?

- Just a minute sir.

What's all this.

- This is a fancy dress,
it's fancy dress isn't it?

- Fancy dress.

- Yes, the Hunchback
of Notre Dame surely.

- It's that deserter.

- Oh look a zeppelin.

(men shouting)

(waltz music)


- [Announcer] General
and Madame Du Bibier.

- You mean to say
you'd never met her?

- I'm afraid General Burke
alas, I've not had the pleasure.

- Neither have I dammit.

Still she's kindly consented
to act as my hostess tonight,

so perhaps one
thing might lead to

- The other?


- I hadn't thought of it, yes.

Where is the lovely Mata eh?

- I understand she's
in her boudoir,

finishing off some mail sir.

- Oh, some male eh?

Lucky devil.

I wonder who he is huh?

(soft music)

- Ya, this information's
going to be very interesting

to the fatherland,
very interesting.

But not as interesting
as my work tonight.

Copy and seal it.

- Yes madam.

- Tonight I must steal back
the German master plan.

Mata, men I worship you.

They tell you that your eyes
are fabulously beautiful.

That your mouth is
warm and inviting.

They tell you that
your skin is heavenly,

that your hair is spun gold,

they tell you that your
figure is desirable on sight.

And why not?

I even intoxicate myself.


- [Announcer] General
and Lady Collins.

- And where do you think
you're taking that lot?

- I must go in and exhibit
my onions to madam.

- She don't want no
onions, buzz off.

- But she always
gives me the business.

(men shout)


(waltz music)


- Ah,

trust me to get this room.

(man hums "Allouette")

- Not bad for a
penny, now trousers.

(sings "Allouette")

- [Man] (shouts
foreign language)

- I know that I'm
only a silly woman,

but I heard that the Germans
have lost their master plan.

- Oh I know nothing
about that my dear.

- If it's true it
must be in the hands

of the most important
man in the whole army.

I wonder who that is.

- Oh me of course, me.

- But you just said that you
don't know nothing about it.

- I know all about it.

- Why didn't they come to you,

if you're such an important man?


Are you sure you don't have it?

- I'm afraid not my
dear, but talking

of having it I'd rather.

- I'll see you later.

- [Announcer] Sir
Grungle Du Grut.

(trumpets sound)

- [Vincento] Save England.

- I must, for King and Country.

- Pardon?

- Oh I'd love a glass of
pardon, thank you garcon.

- [Announcer] The
minister of weapons.

(tango music)

- I did not think that
a foolish English man

has a master plan yet.

- What?

My God.

- What is it Colonel?

- You see that man who
is lurking over there?

- The one in the French uniform?

- Yes, he's an imposter,

he is British.

He has the master plan,

I want you to find out
where he's hiding it.

- Don't worry, a few
drops of my truth serum

and he's going to tell all.

- Thank you Miss Mata Hari.

- Au wederscheon lebschein.

- Sir, steak and kidney pie.

Hot eels and mash.

Uh, uh.

Sir sorry, boiled
beef and carrots.

- That's the stuff
for your darby girl.

- Here,

Captain Phipps Fortescue he.

- Shhh, not so
loud, not so loud.

- He sent me.

- Good man, good,
good, good, man.

Now have you got it.

- Yes I've got it.

- Right well let me have it.

- Could we go upstairs?

- No, no, no, we can't
go upstairs we cannot.

- Private you see.

- I can't no, we
must have it now.

Now look here.

I'll covertly turn my back

and then you can discreetly
slip it into my hand.


- You've got no
hopes of that sir.

- Look here, look
here, look here.

I want to see it and
I want to see it now.

That is an order.

- Now?

- Yes now.

- (mumbles)


- Yes indeed now.

- Here.

- This very moment here.

- Alright, alright alright.

- Come on, come on, come
along, come along, hurry up.

What the hell are you doing?

Don't do that, don't do that.

- You said now.

- No, no, no, look.

- You said now.

- Yes of course I
want to see it now.

- No, no, no I don't
want to see it here.

Someone stop him.

- You heard him, stop that man,

and take those hats off.

- [Men] Ja wohl.

- Someone help me, help
me someone, you maniac.

This man's a maniac.


- (speaks foreign language)

- Oh my god the place
is crawling with them.

Good god get them
all out of here.

We don't want any of your
filthy French tricks here.

- [Guard] And stay
there English pig dog.

- Well, what am I gonna do here?

- [Mata] Come over here.

- What a remarkable echo.


It's hardly worthwhile
putting this back on again.


- I've been waiting
for you darling.

- Have you.

- [Mata] Mm-hmm.

- No,

I'll play hard to get.

(sweeping music)

- I've been watching
you the whole evening.

- Have you?

- Every time I see you I
get lumps in my throat.

- I should swallow hard dear,

I can see another
couple on their way up.


Ah youth, drinkies?

- Would you like to
have a drink with me?

- Yes, drinkies.

- Yes.

Wouldn't you like to kiss me?

- Mm-hmm, fool, you mad fool,
you're flirting with death,

don't you realize I
haven't seen a woman

for nearly 20 minutes?

- Oh.



- So that's her game.


- To a just peace in our times.

- To juicy peace anytime.


(mms and kisses)

One for the road.

- Okay.

(kisses and laughs)

- Yes but first another kiss.


- Oh darling please.

- Of course.

Surely she won't
pull that old gag.

- Of course I will.

- In that case so will I.


oh I'm so sorry.


oh do it again.

Oh, you're better than me.

Ah, of course you've
had more practice.




- Oh stop it your
kisses are like fire.

- Let's put another
log on and stock up.

More kisses.

- More kisses?

- Why not, you're as
deserving as any woman.





- Drinkies.


- Cheers.

- Cheers.


- Did you get the drug?

- Yes.

- Thank god for that.

What sort of drug was it?

- Truth drug.

- Truth drug.

- It's against my religion,
I will have to tell the truth

for once in my life.

- This could be
very interesting.

Now, what vital
question shall I ask?

- 36, 22, 36.

- Tell me, are you a German spy?

- Ja wohl mein herr.

- I knew it.

What other vital
question can I ask?

Tell me, before you do drop off,

do you think we have time to?

We don't.


- One more question.

- Well, she's made a come back.

- Call me tomorrow darling.


- Game, set and
match to England.

(dramatic music)

- Donner and Blitzen.

- [Men] Ja wohl.

- Hmm.


Anything the matter Mata?

- No, come in darling.

(door shuts)
(Colonel shouts)

- Listen, after him.

(dramatic music)

- Links links.


- [Lurk] Groping not again.

- Lurk!

- Hey.

(dramatic music)

(girls chatter)

- Ah.

- Hey you, listen what do
you think you're doing?

- (mumbles)

(women chatter)

- Dirty old man.

(women chatter)

- Good evening.

- Evening.

- What are you doing in there?

- The Sergeant said,
buy the right dress,

now you cannot buy the
right dress in France today.

So I saw this lot,
oh he'll love that.

- I better go and
call the police.

- Oh please don't, don't call.

- I shall scream for help.

- No don't scream.

I've got a splitting headache.

Besides I'm British.

You're all British aren't you?

- [Women] Yes, of course we are!

- We're doing the
cabaret for Mata Hari.

- We're the famous
Buttercup Girls.

- Buttercup, I'll be
pushing up the daisies

if I don't get some
help, the thing is

I'm on a vital mission.

- Mission?

- Mission for the
British government.

British government, you've
heard of the British government?

- Yes.

- I must complete it by
November the 11th, 1918.

- Why?

- The war ends then doesn't it?

- Oh, here who was that
Scottish officer that came in?

- He's not a Scottish officer,

he's a spy, a German spy.

- Oh, is he chasing you?

- He's after my hide, in more
sense of the word than one?

- What do you mean?

- Oh it doesn't
matter, look please,

I must disguise myself.

- Disguise.

- Quickly can you help me?

- Yes, yes, I've
got the very thing.

Look, now look that
should cover it.

- Oh, no it won't
not by a long shot.

- Oh, oh,

well how bout this one?

- Ah now that's better.

- That belongs to the assistant.

- What assistant.

- A very courageous person.

- In that case it
is bound to fit.

(cheers and applause)

- Thank you thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now I would like
to introduce to you

my lovely assistant,
the beautiful Isabella.

(cheers and applause)

(introduction music)

Who are you?

- The assistant.

(cheers and applause)

- Where's my assistant.

- She's indisposed.

- Indisposed?

- Yes.

- Stay by that wall.

- Oh.

Why against the wall?

(knife thuds)

(crowd gasps)

I see.

(knife thuds)

oh I'm not cut out for this.

(knife thuds)

But I soon will be.

(dramatic music)

(knives thud)

- Yes, fantastic, no
fear in that girl at all.

- Not a drop of
perspiration on her sir.

The Dago Johnny's
sweating a bit.

(knife thuds)


(knife thuds)

(knife thuds)

(knife thuds)


(knife thuds)

- God he's hit me knickers.


- What larks.

She's lost half her bloomers.


- There what's that

on her bottom?

- Tattoo sir.

Looks like the front.

- No, no, no, the back.

Girls have their bottoms
at the back you dimwit.

- No sir, a map of the front.

- Good grief a map?

Boiled beef and carrots.

That she is a he.

(glass shatters)

It's a secret panel, he's
gone, get him, get him.

Find him, the war depends on it.

- Yes sir.

- Follow me I know the way.

(can can music)

(women squeal and cheer)

(men shout)

- Now where am I?

Oh damn easing.

- Not so fast Lurk
I have a luger.

- And I have a folding bed.


ah camouflage.

(women cheer)

(audience applause)

- What are you staring at?

Haven't you ever
seen a tree before?

- Sorry sir.

- We've got branches everywhere.


- [Vincento] Lurk,
to save England.

(shouts and cheers)


- Excuse me, I'm
looking for a tree.



- Sergeant Major,
you're a sex maniac,

police arrest that man.

- [Police] Yes
sir, take him away.

- Not so fast Herr General.

Now is the time
to reveal myself.

- Good God, not another one.

- Ha!


(glass breaks)

- Private Lurk has the
German master plan sir.

- What?

- There's not a moment to
lose, the Bosch attack tonight.

- Lurk!

- Sir.

- Bend down.

- I thought you'd never ask.

(women cheer)

(cheers and applause)

- Now gentlemen, the
enemy are attacking

down the right cheek.

Um flank, now, we bring
the 51st over here

and give me another flag.

- Another one sir.


- Gentlemen this
could win the war.


- Sir.

- I am going to
pin a medal on you.

- Oh lord no please,
please later.

- That's a pretty one.

- Isn't it.

- Oh Colonel Lurk
you are wonderful.

I salute your courage.

- Oh you mustn't.

- And I kiss your endeavor.

- Leave that to
me, would you mind?

- Certainly.

- Thank you.

- I don't believe it.

- Ah Private Groping.

Yes it's true, it's me.

- [Vincento] Relax, you
are England's savior.

(trumpets blast)

- Summer 1939 and
looking not a day older.

- [Radio] Had no such
undertaking had been received

and that consequently
this country

is at war with Germany.

- Ah nonsense.

The young people today
would never allow it.

(bells chime)

- Now then, did you hear that?

- What?

- These jerrys are at it again.

- Are they?

Well I'm sorry, I'm afraid
you'll have to manage

without me this time, I've
got the kids to think about.


(bells jingle)

(marching music)

* Up the front, up the front

* The boys are
going up the front

* While we sit at
home learning to knit

* Little Tommy Atkins
is doing his bit

* Up the front, up the front

* That's where
the boys are going

* Once we get there
they won't have a chance

* They'll lead Gerry
a hell of a dance

* For just three and four
pence we're gonna advance

* Up the front, up the front

* Up the front, up the front

* That's where
the boys are going

* We'll fight harder,
the tots may be clean

* They won't worry
whatever they've seen

* And back in your arms
we'll forget that we've been

* Up the front

* Up the front

* The boys are going up

* The front