Up in Smoke (1978) - full transcript

Whoa!

Put me down!

Say, uh, Daisy Lou,

would you like to hear
a tune?

Eh, cousin...

Oh, Blackie!

You're wonderful!

Sweetheart,
I'll talk to him.

Son, your mother and me
would like for you

to cozy up
to the Finkelstein boy.

He's a bright kid,
and, uh...



he's going to
military school, and--

remember, he was
an Eagle Scout.

Arnold...

Will you shut up?

We're not going to have
a family brawl!

...and a retard.

We've put up with
a hell of a lot.

Can this wait?

Build your goddamn
muscles, huh?

You know, you could build your
muscles picking strawberries.

You know,
bend and scoop...

like the Mexicans.

Shit, maybe I could
get you a job

with United Fruit.



I got a buddy
with United Fruit.

Get you started.

Start
with strawberries,

you might work your way up
to these goddamn bananas!

When, boy?

When...are you going to get
your act together?

Gross!

Oh, good God
Almighty me.

I think he's
the Antichrist.

Anthony, I want
to talk to you.

Now, listen!

Don't walk away from me
when I'm talking to you!

You get a goddamn job
before sundown,

or we're shipping you off
to military school

with that goddamn
Finkelstein shit kid!

Son of a bitch!

Up in smoke

That's where my money goes

In my lungs

Sometimes up my nose

When troubled times

Begin to bother me

I take a toke

And all my cares
go up in smoke

Buenos dias, Pedro.

All my things
in the lowrider

The lowrider
is a little higher

Lowrider drives
a little slower

Lowrider is a real goer

Hey

Lowrider
knows every street, yeah

Lowrider
is the one to meet, yeah

Lowrider don't use
no gas, now

Lowrider
don't drive too fast

Take a little trip

Take a little trip...

So fine

My baby's so doggone fine

I do it to her
nearly all of the time

So fine

And I know she loves me so

Oooohhhh

Could this be magic?

Ooohhhhh, yeah

Magic

Yeah

La haaaaaa

Ah ha

Uh, you girls
need a ride?

- No!
- No!

You sure?
I'm going that way.

No!

Later for you,
little jailbaits.

Oh, what's that?

She's hitchhiking!

Watch out!
Coming over!

Geronimo!

Hey! Double bubble!

Come on, baby!
I'll give you a ride!

Yeah, bend over.
I'll drive you home.

Hey, you ain't a chick!

Yeah, I know.

That's the only way
I can get anybody to stop.

Hey, that's false
advertising, man.

I know, but listen,

I slept in a ditch
last night, man.

I almost froze
my balls off.

I didn't think
you had any.

Wow! Hey, I really
like your car, man.

Oh, you do?

Wow! Did you do this
yourself?

Yeah, I customized
it myself.

Wow!
Looks fantastic, man.

Yeah, I guess
it does, man.

I'll give you a ride.
Come on, let's go.

I gotta get
my stuff.

Hurry up.
I got a lot to do.

Shit.

Okay, let's go.

In just a minute, man.

I got a few more things
I gotta get, okay?

I'll be right back.

Hurry up, man.

What are you
going to do,

move in, man?

Into first gear...

Here we go!
Hey, hey!

Second gear! Hey!

Third gear!

Here we goooo!

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

Hey, man, how far
you going, man?

Right here
would be fine, man.

You ain't scared of a little speed,
are you, man?

Oh, you got some speed,
man?

Huh? No, I don't got
no speed, man.

You know what I do
got, though, man?

I got a joint, man.

Oh, wow.
All right.

Come on,
light it up.

Let's get
Chinese eyes, man.

What kind of joint
is this, man?

It's a heavy-duty
joint, man.

It looks like
a toothpick, man.

No, it's not
a toothpick, man.

It is a toothpick,
man.

No, man,
it's just...

It is a toothpick.

I must've got it in
the other pocket, man.

Hold on.
I got the bullshit right here, man.

Oh, that's my dick.

Yeah, there we go.

There you go, man.

Light that
sucker up, man.

We'll go to the moon.

Jeez, I hope your dick's
bigger than this, man.

Hey, man, you want
to get out and walk?

Hey, you want
to get high, man?

Does Howdy Doody got
wooden balls, man?

I got a joint here
I've been saving

for a special occasion.

Fire it up.

I hope the drums
don't mess up

your upholstery, man.

I'm in a band,
too, man.

I'm a lead singer,
man.

That's hip,
man.

We play everything from Santana
to El Chicano, man.

Hey, I'm just a love machine

And I don't work
for nobody but you

I'm just a love machine

And I don't work
for nobody but you

Woman, my temperature rise

And then I go
for her thighs

And then I say...

Is that a joint, man?

That there looks like
a quarter pounder, man.

There's a plane.

Hey, be careful
with that shit, man.

What, is it
heavy stuff, man?

Will it blow me away?

You better put
your seat belt on, man.

I'll tell you that much.

I been smoking since
I was born, man.

I can smoke
anything, man.

I smoke
that Michoacan, man,

Acapulco Gold, man.

I even smoke that tied stick,
you know?

Tied stick?

That stuff that's
tied to a stick.

Oh, Thai stick.

That didn't even
do nothing to me.

I could probably
smoke this whole joint

and still
walk away, man.

It wouldn't be
no problem at all, man.

Toke. Toke it out,
man.

Kind of grabs you
by the boo-boo, don't it?

Hey, man...

What?

Oh!

Hey, what's in
this shit, man?

Mostly Maui-wowie,
man.

Yeah?

But it's got
some Labrador in it.

What's Labrador?

It's dog shit.

What?

Yeah, my dog ate
my stash, man.

Had it on the table,

and the little
motherfucker ate it, man.

Yeah?

I had to follow him around
with a little baggie

for three days
before I got it back.

Really blew
the dog's mind.

You mean we're smoking
dog shit, man?

Gets you high,
don't it?

...hoppin'an'a-boppin'

And a-singin'his song

All the little birds
on Jaybird Street

Love to hear the robin
go tweet, tweet, tweet

Rockin'robin

Tweet, tweet, tweet

Rock, rock,
rockin'robin

Tweet...

I think it's even
better than before, you know?

I wonder what Great Dane
tastes like, man.

Ah, man.

That's some
heavy shit, man.

Yeah.

Hey, man...

am I driving okay?

I think
we're parked, man.

Oh, shit.

Goddamn, what was
in that shit, man?

I never had no dope
like that in my life.

I smoked a lot
of shit before, man,

but goddamn, man,
that's heavy shit.

You okay?

I can't breathe.

What's the matter?

I can't breathe,
man.

Well, just...

Well, here.

Here, I got something
that will mellow you out, man.

You're just
freaking out.

I never smoked no shit
like that before.

Take these, man.

This will
mellow you out, man.

What is this, man?

Just take them.

Hey, don't take
those, man.

What?

I almost gave you
the wrong shit, man.

I already took them,
man.

Ho ho ho ho!

What do you mean
ho ho ho ho?

Wow, man!

What was that shit,
man?

You just ate
the most acid

I've ever seen
anybody eat in my life.

I never had
no acid before, man.

I hope you're not busy
for about a month.

Shit, I'm going
to die, man.

That stuff's going
to make me die, man.

No, that's
good acid, man.

It's going to make
me freak out, man.

I've seen those guys
that had too many acid.

Their heads look like
a pumpkin, man.

Relax, man.

Hey, mellow out, man!

Now just go, ommmmm...

What?

Do it, man.

Ohhhhh.

Ommmmm.

Oh, shit.

Mellowwwww.

Mel...

Mellow.

Mellowwwww.

Yeah.

You better now, man?

Yeah.

You mellow?

Yeah.

You feel all right,
huh?

Yeah.

Aaaaah!

What are you doing,
man?

Sometimes that helps,
man.

Can we get off
this street, man?

We're parked
in a bad spot.

That's heavy, man.

The cops
just went by, man.

They're right there.

We're being
pulled over, man.

That's heavy, man.

Aahhhh!

They're coming, man!

Ha ha ha!

This is cool, man!

I never had it before.

I didn't think it was going
to be like this, man.

Ha ha ha!

What's
the problem, son?

Ha ha ha!

Aahhhh!

Roll down
your window.

Keep on knocking,
but you can't come in

Don't, man.
It's the cops.

Ha ha ha!

Wait, I gotta roll down
the window, man.

Weigh the anchor!

How much does it weigh?

I don't know.
I forgot.

You forgot?

I saw that

Can I see
your license, sir?

What?

Your license.
Where's your license?

It's on the bumper.
Back there, man.

No. I mean your
driver's license.

Oh. Oh, yeah!

Yeah, I got
my driver's license, man.

Hee hee hee!

I just thought of
something real funny, man.

Here's your mama.

Ha ha ha!

Sir, what is
your name?

Wh-What?

What's your name?

Isn't it on there
on the license, man?

Yeah, that's it.
Pedro de Pacas.

Just wait here
a minute, huh?

Hey, hurry back!

I miss you already,
darling.

I gotta get rid
of this dope, man.

Don't act the fool.

Oh, okay.

We're gonna
get busted.

Hee hee hee!

I'm blind!

Oh, shit!
I'm blind!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey...

I can see clearly now,
the rain...

Hee hee hee!

Hey, how long does
this shit last, man?

And what is
your name, sir?

You scared me, man.

I told you my name.

Sir, what's
your name?

The dude wants to know
your name, man.

Uh, his name is
Raaalph, man.

I was sitting in
the coffee shop

Just minding my own affair

When all of a sudden

This policeman
caught me unaware, man

He said,
''Is your name Pedro?''

I says,
''Uh, yeah, I guess so''

He said, ''Then come with me''

'''Cause you're the man
we've been looking for''

I said, ''Hey, man,
I've been framed!''

''Hey, no, really, man,
I was framed!''

''Aw, I never
do nothin' wrong, man''

''But every time,
I get the blame''

''I been framed!''

They put me in the line-up

And let
the bright lights shine

There was
1 0 poor dudes like me

Standing in that line

I knew I was a victim
of somebody's evil plan

When this
scroungy-looking dude

Came up and said,
''Yeah, that's him, man''

Hey, wait a minute, man,
I've been framed, man!

Oh, listen to me,Judge,
I was framed!

I never do nothin' wrong

Oh, but every time,
I get the blame

Hey, I've been framed!

You boys are in
a lot of trouble.

That dude gave me the first,
second, and third degree

He said, ''Where were you
on the night of July 29?''

I said, ''Man,
I was home in bed''

He said,
''Judge, that man's lying''

I said, ''Wait a minute, man,
I was framed, man!''

Hey, don't do this to me,
man, really

Because I think
I've been framed, man!

I never do nothin' wrong

Aw, but every time,
I get the blame

Aw, I was framed!

Fucking vodka, man!

Oh, shit.

Hey, I'm down here.

I didn't see you.

You can sleep in that bedroom
right there, man.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's cool there.

Check you
in the morning.

Listen, where's
the bathroom?

It's right there.
See that door?

See you tomorrow.

We got rehearsal.

Okay.

Listen, if you hear some noise
in the bedroom,

it's just me
and my old lady.

Next tune you hear will be
dueling bedsprings.

Check you
in the morning.

Amigos, presenting
y'all's new uniforms.

All right!

Lookit here!

Check it out!

Hey, man, I can't
wear this stuff, man.

This is terrible, man.

Look, it don't even fit.

No, baby, you clean
as Skeeter's peter.

You just don't understand
the new style.

It's too short, man.

We'll just make a few minor
adjustments, homes.

Hold it, man.

I can't wear this.

Aw, Curtis, man!

My man!

Look at
these uniforms!

Didn't I put them
in the pocket?

These are
outta sight!

I hope mine is
as bad as this!

You see the new cuts
on them?

All we need is rhinestones
and pointed shoes!

Hey, these uniforms
are lame, man.

What you mean lame,
sucker?

Pedro, where's
the white dude

you said was
playing drums?

That's him, man.

That's James,
the bass player, man.

What's happening?

Seriously, man,
these look like waiter uniforms.

- You don't like them, man?
- No.

I'll be in the kitchen.

He's right, man.
These are lame.

This is the new cut.
Y'all be bad.

If we're going
to wear uniforms, man,

let's everybody wear
something different.

Yeah, that's it.

Everybody wears
something different

but the same, you know?

I gotta get
out of this stuff.

Hey...

Get us something else,
man.

Pedro,
this is Curtis, baby.

Yeah, I know Curtis,
man.

I'm on top of it.
Rest easy.

Curtis is
on the case.

Hurry up, man.
We gotta go score a lid.

...and we'd like
to rock-'n'- roll

and play some great music.

I have a song by
the Search Boys.

The Search Boys are going
to go searching.

Don't ask me what they're
going to go searching for,

but they're gonna go searching.

So, let's do it.

I searching

I searching
every which a-way

I searching, brother

I searching

I'm a-searching
every which-away-ay-ay

But I'd like to go
to the mountain

You know I dream
these things someday

Oh, hear what I say

I hear what you say

Where the Kona Gold
or Maui-wowie

We sold each other and need

We need...

I can't believe we can't
find no grass nowhere, man.

Too many people are smoking it now.

It really makes it tough
on the rest of us.

Yeah.

The prices have
gone crazy, man.

Some people pay
1 00 bucks a lid, man.

Wow!

Who lives here, man?

That's
my cousin Strawberry.

He's probably got
some dope.

He's always got
the best smoke.

I hope so, man.

Yeah, well, he's cool.

He's a little weird.

He went over
to Vietnam, man,

and he came back
all weirded out, you know.

That Nam grass
will do it to you, man.

That stuff will
lay you out, man.

That's what lost the war.

Whatever you do,
don't say nothing

about his birthmark,
because he flips out.

I ain't going to talk about
nobody's birthmark.

Don't look at it,
either.

Come on.

You sure it's
a birthmark, man?

Sometimes that Nam grass
will do weird things

to your face, too,
you know.

Who is it?

It's me--Pedro, man.

Pedro's not here.

No, I'm Pedro, man.
Open up.

What's the matter, man?

Somebody's messing
around, man.

Come on.
It's open, man.

Hey, Strawberry!

Strawberry's not here.

Hey, it's a bird.

A bird is
answering the door.

Aw, wow!

What a trip.

Hey, fella.

Hey, Strawberry?

Wanna get high?
Wanna get high?

Must've had
a party here, man.

Wanna get high?

Wanna get high?
Wanna get high?

Hey, want something
to eat, man?

They got some pizza.

Strawberry?

Hey, Strawberry?

Oh, Strawberry.

Hey, what's
happening, man?

How you doing?

Starbuck! Starbuck!

Pedro?

Yeah, yeah, right.
Pedro, man.

This is my friend...

uh...

Strawberry.

Hey, how you doing, man?

I'm doing, friend.

Um, oh, yeah!

Well, we were stopping by

to see if we could score
some smoke, man.

Nobody's got none,
you know?

So, like,
we was wondering

if we could score
some smoke from you.

Smoke?
You want some smoke?

I'll get you
some smoke, man.

All right. Yeah.

I told you we could
score some from him.

What you looking at,
man?

Oh, nothing!

I wasn't looking.
I was just...

I wasn't looking
at his neck, man.

Your friend
better stay here.

We're going to go see
some people of mine,

and they don't like
strange dudes.

They don't fuck around.

- Well, I'll stay here.
- Yeah.

Ah, look at that, man.
The great outdoors, huh?

Yeah, great outdoors.

Ah! El roacho.

Huh.

God, it sure looks real.

Ooh...

Who are you?

Hey, how you doing?

I spilled--
I made a mess.

I was just trying...

Oh, where have you been
all my life?

- We just come in...
- If you don't mind...

It's not really...

uh...

Geez,
I don't believe it.

Oh!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, is that great?

What a rush, huh?
What's that stuff like?

Good shit.

The freak
with the top hat

is leaving
with the basketball.

Cover the freak.

He's covered.

Have the rest of the men
stand by.

Stand by.

I think we're onto something
really big, Harry.

This could be the bust
we've been waiting for.

Right, Sarge.

Zipping up.

Claymores.

What?

Claymores.

Get me up past
that last hutch

and jettison me
into the paddies.

What are you
talking about paddies?

Ain't no paddies,
just Chicanos, man.

What are you
talking about?

Strike that
line chatter, grunt.

If you'd deploy
a little recon,

you'd see that Charlie
has us surrounded.

Charlie?
Oh, man. It's a cop.

Strawberry,
they're around your pad, man.

They're gonna
bust your pad!

Hey, Strawberry!

Are you flipped out
on one of your Vietnam trips?

Hold on
to your thing, man.

You take the point.
I'll take the rear.

If you need air,
call it in!

Where you going?

Hey, Strawberry!

Oh, shit!

Strawberry!

Fuck, man.

Fuck.

Shit.

I-I-I-I...
I better get that.

Hurry up.

Hello?

Hello.

Man, don't answer the phone
even if it's me calling.

Man, I think it's bugged.

Pedro?

Yeah, this is Pedro.
I mean, no--

Look, the house
is being raided.

Get out of the house.

Hey, Sarge.
Listen to this.

Did you get the weed?

Hey, man, opcays.
you hear, man?

Get outsky, man.

Igpays. Igpays.
Vamoose.

Sounds very Latin.

Could be the Mexican connection.
Better get this down.

Did you get the dope?

Hurry back, man.
There's some joints around here.

Hey, there's coke
and everything, man.

Pedro, the place
is full of joints.

Come on back, man.

This could be it,
Harry.

Pass the word
along.

Tell the men

it's time to
shoot the moon.

Shoot the moon!

No, you idiot!
Not out there!

On the microphone!
On the microphone.

Shoot the moon.
Shoot the moon.

Hello? Can't hear you, man.
Just a minute.

Hello.

Hey, Pedro?
We get cut off?

We really did get cut off.

Hey. Hey. Hello?

Shit, man. How am I going to
get him out of there?

Hey! Hey!

All right! Freeze!
This is a bust!

The party's over, folks.
You, out.

You, freak there
with the red coat--no, no.

Don't swallow the dope.
We know you're holding.

Just how well do you know
that freak with the basketball?

Which basketball?

Sergeant,
get a load of these two.

What's her problem?

Can't you see she's sick?

She's sick, all right.

It's turning
blue.

Yeah?
That's high-grade stuff.

Could be Peruvian flake.

That's right.
Keep laughing, miss.

Just keep on laughing,

but this is not
a laughing matter.

This is serious!

This stuff
destroys your mind!

Can't you see she's sick?
She's been through a lot.

She's all fucked up.

You watch
your language, miss.

Harry, remember to get
a lab sample of this stuff.

You have the right
to remain silent.

If you refuse that right,

anything you say
may be used against you.

Have you got
the book?

No, sir.

Used against you in a...
in a court of law.

Read the book!

Thank you.

Jesus!

You have the right
to remain silent.

If you
give that right up....

What's going on here?
Hey, who are you?

We're from
the finance company.

We came to reprocess
the furniture, man.

That?

Yeah. We gave them
a lot of chances to pay up,

but they didn't
pay up.

Boss says
it's got to go, man.

I'm just
doing my job.

All right! Everybody out!
Move everybody out!

That means you,
buddy.

What the hell
are you doing, Murphy?

All of you, come on.
Let's go. Get out.

Everybody.

- It's locked, man.
- Oh, yeah.

Let go.

Let go, man.

What's going on, man?

It's a bust.

We got to figure out some way
to get you out of here. Shit.

All right, freeze.
This is a bust. Strawberry.

Ha ha ha ha!

Single file.

I wasn't looking
at his neck.

I wasn't looking--

No, man.
The town's dry.

There ain't no dope
nowhere, man.

I got to pee.

Hey, Pedro.

Hey, Pedro, my man.

What's happening,
Curtis?

What's going on?

How you doing, man?

Oh, I don't know.
Hey, this your ride?

Yeah.

Wow.

I got it off
my cousin Johnny.

This is your--

I mean, this bad
low machine is yours?

Yeah.

Oh, Pedro.
You got a taste of soul.

And style, too.

Yeah, I hear you.

You know
what you need

to go with
this bad ride?

A chick?

No, baby.
Check these out.

Knuckles?

Genuine diamonds,
baby.

Those ain't
for-real diamonds, man.

What you--Hey, man!
Check this out. Step back.

Ain't for real?
Check this.

What are you doing?
You scratched my window.

You know, it's cool.
It's cool.

You know
what I do need?

We been looking
for some smoke.

You got some?

Hey, man, I got some weed
straight from Turkey.

It's what
set them Arabs off.

Arabs from Turkey?

Yeah, man.
They was from Turkey.

This stuff will put a hump
in a camel's back.

No shit?

I wouldn't shit you, baby.
This is some bad weed.

You got it
on you?

It'll boogie-woogie
on your brain.

All right.

Just 'cause we tight,

I'm going to let you have it
for a double dime.

Man, this shit ain't shit, man.

What?

We smoked this whole lid,

and I haven't even
got a buzz yet, man.

You mean
we ain't high?

I ain't high.
I'll tell you that, man.

I don't feel nothin',
man.

Boys, my man Curtis
sure came through for us,

didn't he, man?

I'm annihilated,
you know?

Dame una galleta.

What?

Get me a cookie.

Juan,
don't beg me, man.

Go in the kitchen.

You must get high
on lawn clippings,Jack,

'cause this ain't grass.

I'm telling you that.

Aw, you guys
is tripping, man.

Curtis
is our partner, man.

He came through
for us.

If he sold you that,
I wouldn't--

Hey. Hey, man, hide.
Hide, man. It's a bust.

Freeze, you chili-chokin'
pepper belly.

Let's prowl the rooms.

I'll check the rooms
on the left.

What you got in here,
lady?

Hey, man.
Get the seeds.

Who is it, man?

It's a bust, man.
Get the seeds.

Seeds?

Yeah.

Why, man? They can't
bust you for seeds.

Then just
hide your face.

We ain't done
nothin'.

It's a bust, man.

We're clean.
There's no weed.

Shh...

What's going on?

Oh, man.
It's just the migra.

Who?

Oh, I forgot.
Shit.

Migra?

They're looking
for illegal aliens.

I forgot
it's the wedding.

The wedding?

Yeah.

So, who are these guys?

They're the immigration.
You know, the migra.

They're going to
deport these dudes.

Deport them?

Yeah.
See, my cousin

is getting married
down at TJ, man,

so he calls the immigration
on himself.

But why?

So he can get
a free ride, man.

They take the whole
wedding party,

plus they even
get fed lunch, man.

So we're cool?

Yeah. We got nothin'
to worry about, man,

unless you don't got
a green card.

Hello, Uncle Chuey.
This is Pedro.

Hey, man, we got deported.
We're in Tijuana right now.

We need a way to get back.

You got anything
needs to be picked up here?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh--
Hold on.

No. No. Gracias.

Okay, what's the address?

1 -8-1 -1 .

Hey, toro.

Hey. Hey, man.
We got a ride.

Far out, man.

My Uncle Chuey's
got a van

we gotta smuggle
across the border.

What are we
smuggling?

Upholstery, man.

He's got an upholstery shop
in Beverly Hills,

but he gets cheaper work
done here, man.

The smuggling of marijuana

from Mexico
into the United States

has reached
a dangerous high.

The methods have become
unbelievably devious,

and these seeds

may sow the destruction
of the human race.

Gentlemen, I don't think
we need to comment

on the seriousness
of the situation.

Harry, will you cool that?
Stop that, Harry.

Gentlemen,
we are on the threshold

of copping one of the largest
shipments of marijuana

ever to cross the Mexican border
into the United States.

The question is,

how are they going to
transport it across the border?

- By boat.
- Carrier pigeon.

Freight.

Piggyback.

Plaster casts.

Long trucks.
Long trucks.

Let me show you.

Inside TV sets.

No, Harry. No, no, no.
Not inside TV sets.

The TV set itself
is the marijuana--

the tube, the picture,
the aerial, the whole works.

How can you make a TV set
out of marijuana?

That's a good question, Harry.
I'll show you.

Now, the weed
is separated from seed.

The weed is then transformed
into liquid.

The liquid is then acted upon

by a chemical
which makes it hard

like a plastic.

The plastic is then
transformed into a spray.

This spray, gentlemen,
is called fiberweed,

and it's pure marijuana.

Thanks to the efforts
of our undercover man

inside the dope factory,

we have some
very interesting facts.

That is quite a quantity
of marijuana, gentlemen.

It is not a lid
or kilo or gram.

How much do you think
is here?

A million
pounds.

Harry?

A shit-load.

Harry!

We do know that
the dope factory's disguised

as an upholstery warehouse.

Hey, this is
the street, man. Come on.

How can you
eat this stuff?

I love them.
Don't you like these?

I told you not to
buy it, Man. God.

What did you
do that for, man?

I would have ate it.

A dog could be
in that stuff.

You got
the address?

Good dog, man.

Hey!

Son of a...

1 -8-1 --

Is that 7 or 1 ?
Ah, it's 7. Come on.

Let's go check
this place out.

Hey, we're here
to pick up the van, man.

Shh!

We're here to pick up the van.

Have a seat.

The boss will be
right back.

Okay, the boss
will be right back, man.

Those burritos, man.

Hey, man,
where's the bathroom?

Straight
in the back.

Yeah. Thanks.

Come on, cheeks.
Come on. Tighten up.

Come on, cheeks.
Stay together.

Let's stay together.

Come on, cheeks.
Stay together. Oh.

Oh, God.
I hope that was a fart.

Oh, shit. Ah...

excuse me, sir.

What?

Where's
the toilet?

Over there.

Hey, excuse me.
Where's the toilet?

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Man, did you eat
one of them burritos, too, man?

Supposed to be eating

a little bit
of ice cream with it.

Come on, ice cream!

Even though we do not know
what we are looking for,

we do know the approximate value
of the weed itself.

Gentlemen, I would like
to hear your opinions.

A million?

The television set alone
is worth close to a million.

- A billion dollars.
- Now we're getting somewhere.

I'm freezing
at 200 million.

- Sarge, I think it's four billion.
- You're all wrong.

Nine billion big ones, boys.

And you know
what that means.

The better the bust...

- the bigger the boost.
- the bigger the boost.

Excellent.

Well, I guess
that about wraps it up.

Any questions?

Where'd you learn how
to roll them big joints, man?

You like that, man?

Whoa. They're heavy.

I used to be a roadie
for the Doobie Brothers.

What a groovy gig.

Yeah. That's how I learned
to play drums.

Oh, yeah?

Beating
on the drums.

Hey, I dig Mexico,
man.

I'd like to
come back here

When
we got more time.

Are we at
the border already?

Looks that way, man.

Shit. Hey, man,
get rid of the stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Better get rid
of this shit.

Man, put it down.
Get rid of it.

We're at the border,
man.

Shit.

Oh, lookit.

Hey, get rid of it!
Not that way, man.

Throw it out!

Throw it out.

This is Toyota Kawasaki

here at the Mexican-
United States border

where a huge task force
of narcotic and customs agents

is preparing a surprise welcome
for a vehicle

which they
say is constructed

entirely of
high-grade marijuana.

Don't make that face,
man.

You make me laugh.

Okay, just let me
do all the talking.

Good afternoon,
sisters.

Good afternoon,
officer.

How long have you
been in Mexico?

Okay, just be cool.

How long have you guys
been in Mexico?

A week--
I mean, a day.

Which one is it,

a week or a day?

A weekday.

You got
any narcotics

or marijuana
in here?

Uh, not anymore.

You guys better step out
of that van.

Aah! I'm on fire!

Oh, Sister
is on fire!

Hey, this looks
like a bust.

Get Stedenko on the phone.
This may be it.

Hey, come on.
What have we got here, Sister?

Hey, they're busting
nuns, man.

Wow.
That's cold-blooded.

Hey, let's watch.

Okay, up against the wall.
All of you.

Spread them.

Let's get up
against the wall.

Sergeant Stedenko,

exactly what
are you looking for?

Dope, drugs,
weed, grass,

toot, smack,
quackers,

uppers, downers,
all-arounders.

You name it,
we want it.

And how important
is it to you

to apprehend
the suspects?

Critical-- The buying and selling
of dope in this country

may be the last vestige
of free enterprise left.

There's rumor,
Sergeant,

that the suspects
might be armed and dangerous.

Do you expect
to see any violence here today?

I certainly
hope so.

Sergeant, have you yourself
smoked marijuana?

Only once.

Hey, look,
we're on TV, man.

Sergeant, telephone.

Hi, Mom.

This could be it.

Why are there so many cops?

Let's find out.

Listen, I got to
go pee first.

Okay, don't go
scuba diving.

So it was a station wagon,
huh, Harry?

Very devious.

And they almost
look like real nuns,

don't they, Harry?

Down to
the stockings.

Very clever.
Very clever.

Not bad.

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself,

you know that?

Reminds me of a funny story
my dad told me.

The only kind of meat

a priest could eat
on Friday was nun.

Inside!

Harry, get a sample
of that car.

Yes, Sergeant.

Start the interrogation,
Murphy.

I'll be right back.

Hey, what's going on
out there, man?

Huh? Excuse me.
What's going on out there?

Don't worry about it, buddy.
It's nothing.

Just some people doing
what they're not supposed to do.

Son of a bitch.
Look at the--

Some asshole
pissed on my leg!

Listen, our agent
just phoned from Mexico.

It's not a bunch of nuns
in a station wagon.

It's two hippies
in a green van.

Must be
some heavy shit.

Let's go!
Come on!

Get that
siren up!

Where would these
two creeps hang out?

Where do hippies
hang out today?

Sunset Strip--
That's where they hang out.

Yeah, we could
try there.

If they're not there,

we could go up
to San Francisco.

Imagine the field day

those two creeps
are gonna have

when they find out
that van is made of grass.

Huh?

I don't believe it. I really don't.

You guys
are supreme idiots.

How could you let
a big green van

slip right through
your fingers?

Spend one week
at the border,

and what do we
end up with?

Busting
a bevy of nuns,

a guy
pisses on my leg,

and I lose my special canine
sentry dog--

Best cop
I ever knew.

See anything?

Negative.

Well, use mine.
They're on the floor.

Oh, yeah.
These are great, Sergeant.

You can see everything.

What do you see?

You know, there's a great
donut shop up there.

Do we have time--

No! No!
I mean on the road!

Wait a minute.
There's the van.

There's the van!

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, listen, man.

When we get back to town,

let's get serious
about this group, okay?

Yeah, really, man.

Like, if we practice
all the time,

we could have
a heavy band.

Let's not let anything
interfere with our music.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, you see
what I see, man?

Yeah...

Hey, they're
hitchhiking, man.

There they go, Harry.

Keep your eye
on them.

Wonder
what they're doing way out here.

I don't know,

but here comes
the Mounties to the rescue.

Holy...

Wow.

Turn around, Harry.
They're over there.

Keep your eye
on them, Harry!

Hey, man, you know
how to drive, man?

Sort of. Why?

Take over, man.

Hey, what are you
doing, man?

Hi, ladies.

Hi.

Hey, entrez vous,
alla yous.

Thanks.

There you go.
Watch your step.

I'll watch
everything else.

Hey,
what's happening?

How far are you
going, man?

All the way.

All right.

We're going there
ourselves.

Come on over.

There they go, Harry!

I see them.

Shoot
their tires out!

Got it.

No, not yours.
Use my gun.

Oh, my God!

Damn it!
You stupid idiot!

Look, you idiot!

You are a stupid,
stupid man!

Get over here, Harry!

Get over here.
Give me that gun.

When I think of
the time and money

I've wasted
on your training,

and you still turn out to be
a blithering idiot!

You're
an utter failure!

You make me sick!

Have you anything
to say for yourself?

In the car!

God, I will never,
ever, never

take a baldheaded man
in the department again.

Wow.
This is a neat van.

Yeah. Want to see
the rest of it?

Sure.

Okay, we'll go
right back there.

The rest of it
is right back there.

Go ahead.
Watch your step.

Yeah. There you go.

Yeah,
right back there.

Hey, have fun at
Magic Mountains.

Oh, yeah. I see London.
I see France.

If I ain't out
in three weeks, man,

send a search party.

Hey, hold on.
Don't start without me.

Want to do a lude?

You got ludes?

No, I don't have
any ludes!

I wish I had ludes.

I thought you said
you had some.

No, I don't have some.

I don't have enough.

Oh, right.
All right.

I wish I had some,
you know.

I love a manly chest.

Yeah. So do I...

I mean, on a girl.

Attention,
all units.

This is Sergeant
Stedenko.

Attention,
all units.

This is Sergeant
Stedenko.

We are changing
from a code 3 direct pursuit

to a code 34 7--
completely lost

due to
incompetence.

These chicks are going
to the Roxy, man.

They're having a battle
of the bands there, man.

Debbie was telling me
all about it.

The winner
gets a record contract.

A battle
of the bands?

It's like the best thing
in the world.

Everyone's going to be there
and everything.

The winner gets
a record contract, man.

That's not
going to mean dick

unless they promote you,
you know.

We could enter our band.
We could win.

It's $ 1 00, too.

We couldn't enter.
We don't even know any tunes yet.

What do you mean?
We had two rehearsals.

Besides,
it's just punk rock.

You don't have to
know how to play.

You just got to be a punk.
We could do that.

We got to get loaded
first, though.

Yeah, we should
get loaded.

We need
some smoke, man.

Jeez, we need to
score a lid.

Stop,
and I'll call Gloria.

Who's Gloria?

Hi. You're looking good.

You want to go,
like, powder our noses?

Anyway, I want to
talk some business, okay?

Yeah.
I got the powder.

She's got the best stuff,
I'm telling you.

Boy, she can
bust me anytime.

You should see
her summer whites.

In here.

Wow. That's heavy.

Yeah, man, but I bet
a lot of cops

smoke dope now,
you know.

No, I mean,
look at that, man.

Looks like a radio station.

The request lines
are now open!

KGFJ soul
radio-o-o-o-o-o!

Do it now, man.

Request lines are now--

It's open, man.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

All right, Officer Clyde,
contact headquarters

and give them
our present location.

And then I'm going
to take off your dress...

and then I'm going
to take off your bra...

Ha ha ha!

and then I'm going
to take off your shoes.

Whew. Whew.

Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

Can you hear me?

Hello, headquarters?
Hello, headquarters?

Come in, headquarters.

This is Officer Clyde.

Use the code name.
The code name.

Headquarters.
Headquarters, come in, please.

This is code name
Hardhead.

Hat! Hard Hat.
Give me that.

Hello,
radio dispatch?

This is code name
Hard Hat.

Do you read me?
Over.

Was that Lard Ass?

Ha!

Hard Hat.
Code name Hard Hat.

Do you read,
radio dispatch?

Hey, got something
for you, Lard Ass.

Hard Hat!

Hard Hat!
Do you understand?

Lard Ass! Lard Ass!

Hard Hat!

Radio dispatch,
do you know who this is?

No. Who is ''this is''?

This is
Sergeant Stedenko.

Oh, yeah?
You know who this is?

No.

Bye-bye, Lard Ass.

Attention, headquarters.

Attention, headquarters.
This is code name Lard--

This is code name
Hard Hat.

Any sighting of them
in the last half-hour?

They burnt the stash
they had.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Can you
believe it?

They burned the whole thing
yesterday.

Oh, no.

They're expecting
a new one from Tijuana...

I was
in Tijuana once.

...worth millions
and millions of dollars.

Ohh.

The cops are out
looking for it now.

Jesus, I hope
they find it.

If they find it,
set aside some lids for me.

Well, you can believe
we'll have a party.

Why don't we just,
like, split, okay?

Glo, see you.

You want me to give your number
to that guy, let me know.

What's that?

I can't believe
they burned all this.

Hey, I got to
go to the bathroom.

I'll meet you guys
outside, okay?

Hey, homes.

Come on, man.

Sometimes when you got to go
really bad, you can't, you know?

Come on, man.

You wanted to go
out there.

I'll put you
back in the closet.

I think he's got
stage fright, man.

Come on, man.

Ohh.

Ahh, yeah.
That's the one.

Oh, hey, man.

Thanks
an awful lot, man.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Come on! Look at--Hey!

I'm sorry.

Hey, come ba--

Jesus!

Hey, everybody be quiet.
I'm calling home.

Hello. Who's this?

James! Man, hey, listen.

We got a gig
at the Roxy, man.

So get the guys, okay?

All right, man.
Be sure to be there.

See you later.

All right.
It's together, man.

We're going to be there.

We're going to take
this battle of the bands.

Does this show?

Uh, yeah, they sure do.

No. I mean this,
this spot.

Let's see.

Yeah, a little bit.

I'll take it out
for you.

Will you?

Sure.Just take it off.

I can stay here.

I'll just
do it here, okay?

Oh, hey, hey, no, man.
Get in the back.

Get in the back.
Get in the back.

Okay.

Get in the back.

Whoa!

Okay.Jesus.

Hey, Pedro?

Pedro?

What's the matter?

Pedro!

You still like me,
don't you?

Pedro, come here, man.

He is so sweet,
you know?

Pedro, get out here.

Man, where'd you learn
how to drive?

We got stopped
by the cops.

I don't have a license.

Why didn't
you tell me that?

What are we going to do?

Oh, shit.

Change places
with me.

I don't think
he's seen us.

No, no. Sit down.

I've got my leg caught.

Man, like,
get over, man.

What do you guys want?

Nothing.

You mind if I have
a bite of your hot dog?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, man.

You can have
the whole thing.

Thanks.

Want some Fritos?

No. This is fine.

Thank you.

Hey, you guys have
a nice day.

Thank you.

Hey, man.

What?

You're squashing
my nuts.

Oh.

Hey, did that
really happen?

What was that dude's
trip, man?

I thought we were
going to get busted.

Shh. It might be
a trick.

Okay, sit there
and be cool.

Oh, shit.

Look at him, man.

I wonder what
he's been smoking.

Whatever it is,
I wish we had some, man.

No kidding.

We got to score some.

Yeah, but where, man?

There's got to be
somebody in this town

that's got
a lot of smoke.

Ha ha ha!

I want all you mothers
off the street

All you lambs
off this bloody beat

Well, my freedom's
just begun

So if you can't rock,
you'd better run

A new age is on the rise

With safety pins
stuck in their eyes

The time has come,
let's get it down

Let's find
the weirdest band in town

At the rock fight

Tonight there's gonna be
a rock fight

A highfalutin,
tootin' rock fight

There might even be
a fistfight

At the rock fight

We'll be
rock-'n'-rollin' all night

Long-haired music
is what it's all about

Rock-'n'-roll
turned inside out

Who's that lady
that's lying on the floor?

Need some speed
to dance some more

Guitars wailin' out
a tune

Groovin',
howling at the moon

Oh, baby,
those purple eyes

Dimpled cheeks
and satin thighs

Don't take the kiddies
to the zoo

Wait awhile,
I'm going to take you

To the rock fight

Tonight there's gonna be
a rock fight

A highfalutin,
tootin' rock fight

There might even be
a fistfight

At the rock fight

They'll be
rock-'n'-rollin' all night

She was, like, nuts.

You could always tell
if she was balling her old man.

Everyone would be
dozing off,

and all of a sudden
she'd start up.

First it would start like--

Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.

But then she'd
really get going,

and she'd be more like--

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

And she'd start going
like a motorboat, you know?

Fu-u-uck me, Alex!

Her boyfriend's name
was Alex.

Fu-u-uck me-e-e-e!

Fuck me, Alex!

Fuck me, Alex!
Fuck me, Alex!

Oh, I got a cramp!

Oh! Got a cramp!

Yeah! Yeah!

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh, God!

Yeah. That's just like it.
You're doing good.

Ow! Ow!

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Ow! Ow!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

There.

Oh, yeah!
That's just like it.

Then she'd have,
like, two tears.

Oh, it's better.
It's out. It's out.

Ahh, it's better.

Oh, that feels
better. Oh, God.

Shit.
I need some air.

Right on, man.

I didn't know
your name was Alex, man.

Oh, I got a cramp.

Shit, I'd have
a cramp there, too.

What's going on
out here?

Hey! Hey! You don't even know
where you're going.

Wait for me.

Make way
for the new king.

Goddamn.
You're a star, man.

Go ahead.
After you, King Salami.

They're going to be sorry.

Like, I know where
the best dressing room is.

Ooh, yeah, yeah!

Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ooh, yeah, yeah

Well, I'm living so fast

So you better
feel it, baby

I got no place to go

I mean, it's so socko,
so socko

So very socko

So socko

So very socko

So socko

So very socko

Baby, I'm just so socko

So socko...

Acting like a bum...

The next day, he comes
up to me, and he says,

''Thanks for being there.
like, you saved my life.''

Just like Cher.

Hey, man,
what are you doing?

Come on, man.
Get it together.

We're on
in two more bands.

You ought to hear what
these other groups are into.

These kids
are into something heavy.

I've been writing
this new song.

Mama talkin' to me,
tryin' to tell me how to live

'Cause I don't
listen to her

'Cause my head
is like a sieve

Hey, man, are you awake?

I don't feel
so good, man.

Did you try
to give him some pills?

Yeah, I tried,
but I gave him ups.

Shit, man. Come on.

Hey, how many
fingers you see?

Uh...

I think I fucked up.

Oh, shit. Anybody got
any coffee or anything?

I got a popper.

We could either party later
or try to start his heart.

Get on the level.
Get up.

Huh?

Okay, come on. Up.

Oh, shit.
Watch where you're going.

You're not dying.

You know
what I'm saying?

While I got you here,
I was thinking

maybe we should have
some paper between us,

because in this business

a handshake
doesn't mean dick.

Everybody into the van.
Hurry! Hurry!

Come on. Come on.

All right.
Harry, come on.

Look at all these freaks.

Zipping down.

Aha! There's one of them.

You know, I would
totally die for you.

You know what I mean?

Well, you dance
and rock all wrong

Summer of love
is 1 0 years gone

You know in 1 0 years, baby,
I'll be gone

But I'm now

Flowers in your hair

'Cause there's nothing
under there

Peace and love
for free

They don't mean
a thing to me

Join our band

Baby, we're through

I want to be like me.

Like, I have my own special
way of looking and dressing.

That's me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Taurus.

Piss off!

Mother's nice,
and Daddy's nice

Say it again,
and you say it twice

I'd be telling you
a pack of lies

And you'd be burying me
through moonlit eyes

But you are rocking out
in bi-school

I want to go
to your school

I don't want to go
to my school

'Cause I want to go
to bi-school

Everybody in, boys.
All the way down.

That's right, boys.

We want to
talk to you boys

about joining
your order.

What size sheet
do you wear?

Mmm ba-ba,
mmm ba-ba

Hey! Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Can I see
some tickets, guys?

We don't need tickets.

We are brothers
of the faith.

We don't need tickets
to walk with love.

We got to
see tickets.

All right. We are not
brothers of the faith.

We are police officers.

Sorry, man.
You got to have tickets.

Let's have some tickets.

No. That is a gun.
That is not a ticket.

Did you bring the I.D.?

No. Uh-uh.

We have got to
get in here right now.

This is very important.

Hey, Sarge.
The van.

Huh? The van!

Jeez, no wonder
Anita Bryant's pissed off.

Hey! Hey! Wait a minute.

Hey, you!

Hey, where are you taking
this tow truck?

Where are you going
with our van?

Take a walk.

What do you mean,
take a walk? Who are you?

Who owns this van?

Who are you, anyway?

Sergeant Stedenko.

Sergeant Stedenko.
What van?

What do you mean?
This van right here.

Let's see some I.D.

Hold it right there.

Hold it right there.
Come back here.

Tell him
we didn't do nothing.

You didn't do
a damn thing.

Take it easy!
Take it easy!

Hey, you know
who he is?

Tell him, boss.

Benny, shut up.

We got to call
the paddy wagon.

Moving right along,

we don't know
who they are,

but here's Alice Bowie.

Don't worry about it.

If you die,
I'm the manager.

You'd better be good.

Look, I'm not just in it
for the money.

I really like it.

Hi. Hi.

Jade East.

You're the worst!

You guys really
had a scheme going, didn't you?

Thought you'd
get away with it?

Almost $9 billion.

Nine billion big ones
to help disease young minds

with marijuana, smack,
toot, crackers, you name it.

Sarge, the wagons
are on their way.

Do you realize
that this is the bust?

This is the one that will
send me to the top.

Nail it down, man.

Harry?

What?

Are you sure
you talked to headquarters?

They said
they're on their way.

How about a cheeseburger?

No. A sundae.

Hot fudge?

With some whipped
cream on top, nuts.

What's this?

They're anchovies.

Ah, good. Thanks.

I'll buy you
something to eat.

I'm stoned.

Yes, you are
very, very stoned.

Look at this.

Sick! You've got food
all over your uniform.

You've got no self-control
whatsoever.

Come on, man!
Let's do it!

Do something!

All right!
You guys ready?

1 , 2, 3!

Yeah!

My mama talkin' to me,
trying to tell me how to live

But I won't
listen to her

Because my head
is like a sieve

My daddy,
he disowned me

Because I wear
my sister's clothes

He caught me in the bathroom
with a pair of panty hose

My basketball coach,
he done kicked me off the team

For wearing
high-heeled sneakers

And acting like a queen

Why don't you guys
admit it?

You got the munchies,
right?

I've never seen anything
so disgusting in all my life.

You've let me down, boys.

Harry, are you
understanding me?

I am stoned!
I am stoned!

So go with it.

Put it
in your sundae.

Go with it?
Get away from...

You almost botch up
the entire operation,

you lose my best dog,

two guys piss on my leg,

and you tell me
to go with it?

I'll go with it!

Go with it.
G-go with it.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm so bloody rich!

I only know
three chords!

You fools!

More! More! More!

More! More! More!

My mama talkin' to me,
trying to tell me how to live

Wow. Did you hear
that crowd?

They gave us
a standing ovation.

We're going to have
a bad band.

We had them eating right
out of their hands.

We're going to be
big, man, really big.

We'll be bigger
than Ruben and the Jets.

All we got to do
is keep practicing,

just keep it together.

I feel good, man.

I wish we had something
to celebrate.

You got a joint
or anything?

Hey.

What? We getting
pulled over?

I just remembered.
I got some hash.

Oh, yeah?
Fire it up, homes.

I need a pin or something.

There's a pin right here
on my tutu, man.

Be brave and remind me
to take those back.

We'll get charged
for an extra day.

I forgot all about this.

We're going to have
a limo, man,

and food backstage,
man, everything.

We need a manager.
That's the only thing.

My cousin.

He doesn't have a job.

We'll make him
the manager.

He's got a van.
It'll be heavy.

We'll be the heaviest
dudes, man,

Get all-new instruments,
man, everything.

All right.

What's this?

I think it's hash.

It doesn't
look like much.

Where'd it go?

I don't know.

Oh! Aah!

Hey, watch the road, man.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, shit!

Hey! Hey!
Watch the road!

Aah! Ow!

Oh, shit!

Hey, man,
you dropped it in my lap!

Well, stop the car.

Reach your hand
down there.

Stop the car. Here.

Cabron,
my huevos is too hot.

Ydespues I choke

Oh, shit!

Ytodo mis care

Go up in smoke

Come on,
let's go get high

Up in smoke

That's where
I want to be

'Cause when I'm high

The world below
don't bother me

When life begins to be
one long and dangerous road

I take a toke

And all my cares
go up in smoke

Hay gente que se mortifica
all the time

Se hacen viejos
antes de su tiempo

But I say arabata
all the gusto you can find

Porque all of the time
get high, high

Come on,
let's go get high

Up in smoke

That's where
I want to be

'Cause when I'm high

The world below
don't bother me

When life begins to be
one long and dangerous road

I take a toke

And all my cares
go up in smoke...

I take a toke

And all my cares

Go up in smoke