Up Pompeii! (1969) - full transcript

Lurcio is a much-put-upon slave in the ancient Roman town of Pompeii. More often than not, Lurcio finds himself keeping his owner's family members apart, in order to keep them together.

I don't care Lurcio, I want it out
of the house! Get it out, get it out!

Alright mistress, alright.
I'll get rid of it.

Alright mistress, I swear to you, it wasn't
me who broke the arms off, it wasn't me.

I mean, honestly,
that's the worst of being slave.

You get... I don't know,

you get into trouble for everything,
you get blamed for everything around...

Oh! Good evening...

Oh, you're here?
You've started, have you?

Oh! Excuse me,
if I just put this down...

Oh dear... That's better.

Oh dear, she doesn't half
dig into me, I tell you.



Actually, up in shade, actually...

Let's go, I can't see the circle!

Listen! No!

You see, this, this is our goddess,
this is Venus,

This is supposed to be Venus,
our goddess, you see?

Now, the thing is, my mistress
has been screaming

to get all the junk out of the
house, all the clutter junk,

because we're expecting a very
important visitor tonight you see,

and she wants all the junk cleared up.

I don't think it's too bad, do you?
I don't think it's bad, do you?

It's got its points.
I mean, let's face it.

No! It's supposed to be our goddess
Venus. Yes, the goddess of love.

Mind you, she didn't intend
to be the goddess of love.

It just turned out that way.



Well, she could hardly put up a fight,
could she, really, I mean...

Pour soul. Actually...
Come on now, you're slow...

It's a charity show,
we're not getting paid for this,

you know, remember.
Now listen...

No. But my... No. But my master
Ludicrous brought this back

from one of his trips up a place
called Milo I think it is, Milo, you see.

And he won it there in a fairground.

It was... Yes. He was at the
"throw rings over goldfish". And...

But I mean, I think this might have
been quite valuable, really, you know,

if it hadn't had her arms knocked off.

Yes... This was done... That was...
O dear, I had to laugh.

That was done during an orgy.

'Cause... Yes, last Tuesday.
Yes, we had an orgy.

Very formal, of course. Oh, very formal.

You know, black sandals, bring
your own couch. Oh, very formal.

Not common. Oh no, it wasn't
a common do at all, no.

And she got her arms knocked off.

But there we are you see,
it was all 'armless fun.

'Armless fun!

Isn't this whimsical? Isn't it?
Well, please yourselves.

Alright, well now...
you can only do your best...

Well now... Let's get on with
the prologue to this week's story.

Has this been in cold storage?

Thank god I've got me
knickers on underneath.

Now... Greetings, good citizens.

Now, our story this week
concerns Atalanta.

Atalanta.
Now, Atalanta was a beautiful maiden,

who lived in a forrest glade,
completely unsullied.

Unsullied. Now...
Listen, listen.

Listen, listen! Now...

She was not only a great huntress,
but she was a magnificent runner.

Which was the main reason
she remained unsullied.

But what it is...

No! You see! Ah! Now! Ah! No!

I'm glad you asked, because you see,
there were a lot of men,

a lot of men in those days couldn't
wait for a bit of sullying,

I can tell you. No they couldn't!

Especially one lad, there was one lad
there with a mop of curly black hair,

known locally as the sully
with the fringe on top.

Had to laugh meself and I'm in it.
Now...

Greetings. Now it came to pass...

Now, wait a...
You're dozing off a minute...

You've got too many distractions here.
Let's get her...

I'll park her over here out of the way.
There you are...

Oh, cheeky thing! Now...

It came to pass...

Lurcio! Lurcio, what are you doing?

Oh, the prologue, mistress.

There's no time for that now,
our guest will be here any moment.

- Oh, eh...
- Yes, Lurcio...

and this is a very important occasion
and I do want to be ready for it.

Well...
You always are, aren't you, mistress?

Tell me, Lurcio, have you done as I asked?

Have you attended to the living room?
- Yes, refurnished throughout.

- And the kitchen?
- Yes, restocked throughout.

- The little room?
- Yes, reseated throughout.

Oh, good, good. I'm sure she'll
want to use the conservatory.

Oh, yes, mistress, I should
think that's very likely, yes.

Oh, Lurcio, you know it's a great
honour, her staying at our house.

Oh yes, madam, yes.

And I want it thoroughly cleaned up.

Yes, madam, yes.

That's what they said
about the show tonight.

Of course, that... Now that's
my mistress, Ammonia.

And you see... Funny woman.
Almost peculiar.

'Cause she's had a terrible tizzy
about this visit tonight. Oh very.

Because... well, you see, it's come
at a very difficult time for her.

Because she's just had her gruntles
removed. And it's a very deli...

On my life! My life!
Just had her gruntles removed, you see?

Pour soul. That's why she's
looking so disgruntled.

Disgruntled! Oh dear oh dear.

It shouldn't happen.
Nevermind.

Now... Oh yes! No. Actually,
my mistress is always in a state

about something or the other.
Mostly the other.

Oh, what? It's no secret, no.

She's known around here
as the compendium.

'Cause she's game for anything.
Oh yes.

I will tell you this...
I'll tell you this:

She has good reason to be
in a tizzy about this visit.

You'll never guess who's come
here tonight. You'll never guess.

Now look, you'll keep this under your
hat won't you? Or under your toga.

I mean, whichever causes
you the least discomfort.

The queen is paying us a visit!
The queen!

Yes, yes. Queen Helen of Troy herself.

Queen Helen of Troy.
Well, who did you think I meant? Yes!

No, not her! Cleopatra
wouldn't come here, no.

She's got the needle to us.
Ha! Needle to us!

Look, don't blame me, I only say
this, I don't write it, I only say it.

- Woe! Woe!
- Here she is.

Woe, woe, and thrice woe!

Now this is the soothsayer, Senna.

Senna. Just passing through.

I hope.

Woe, Pompei, the end is in sight!

The end is in sight!

You aren't kidding, missus, get up please.

Let it go now dear.

You can't go around showing
your indifference like that.

Poor soul, she's past it.

The trouble is, she passed it
on the wrong side, too.

All Pompei shall wallow this day

in the slime of licentiousness,
bibbery and fornication!

Oh here, mind your language dear!

We haven't... We haven't got a bunch
of hoi polloi here tonight you know!

They know what bibbery means.
Even if I don't.

And do you know the excuse
for this debauchery?

Here come the bauchery!
Yes, what's the excuse?

Helen of Troy is coming!

Oh now for goodness sake, tell
us something we don't know.

Very well. The Begouli
tribe of far-off Ethiopia

knock out the teeth of their
first-born with slingshots!

Look, you didn't have to
take me literally, do you?

She's a funny woman, she really is.

Woe, woe! The end is nigh, nigh, nigh!

Nigh nigh! Sleep well!

Silly old bag.
Well, she is.

Mind you, she's right. She's right.

The Begouli tribe do knock out the
teeth of their firstborn with slingshots.

It's an ancient ceremony
known as "potting the baby".

Usually done in the middle of the night.

Now, let us get on now with the prologue.

It came to pass...

that Atalanta promised herself to the
first man who could beat her in a race.

Not the Maiden Stakes of course.
Now, this...

This was her big mistake.

Because she was leading
the field quite comfortably,

and suddenly someone threw down
in front of her, three golden apples.

Now, as she was bending
down to pick them up,

...some man came up
behind her, and he was...

Lurcio? Lurcio! Where are you, Lurcio?

That was Nausius,
my master's young son.

Strange boy. Most strange. I mean
even for these times, most strange.

- Lurcio!
- Yes, master?

- Oh there you are Lurcio.
- Yes.

Lurcio, have you heard the wonderful news?

- No no, tell me, I'm all agog.
- Oh never mind Lurcio, it doesn't show.

You see, they've got all the best
lines, it's not right you know.

- Oh Lurcio, you'll never guess.
- Yes. What?

Helen of Troy is coming!

Oh for goodness sake, tell
us something we don't know!

Oh very well then.
The begouli tribe of faroff Ethiopia...

Yes thank you, we've
done that gag, thank you.

- Oh have you?
- Yes.

Oh but isn't it exciting
about Helen of Troy?

I can't wait to see her!

Her beauty has been
noised abroad, you know.

Yes, I've heared she's
a noisy broad. Yes!

It is said that her face has
launched a thousand ships.

Yes, I know, I've heared she has
a launch time session every day.

Launch time session every day, you see...

If you're waiting for wit, you've got a
long time to wait in this show, I tell you.

- And Lurcio?
- Yes master?

I've written an ode to her!

- Oh, you haven't.
- I have.

He has. Oh, sweet.

And this time, I've
completely finished it!

Have you? He's this time he's...
Have you?

I don't think it's a very good
idea on this occasion.

- I'll read it to you.
- No, I'll read it, this is man's work.

Now, here we are:
"Ode to Helen of Troy"

To you,
most beauteous of them all,

I dedicate this ditty,

How sad that one so fair of face,

should only have one..." Yes...

You have finished it, haven't you, yes?

Yes, do you like it?

Yes, the only thing, you spelled it wrong,
there's only one T in "city", C-I-T-Y.

Oh well never mind,
I was too excited at the time.

Oh Lurcio, I'm off to the harbour
to watch for her triumphal advent.

Yes, yes. And with that,
he gaily tripped off.

Believe me, he's one of the
gayest trippers in the town.

The prologue. It came to pass...
- Lurcio! Lurcio!

We shall never get this finished
at this rate. Yes, mistress?

Oh Lurcio, have you seen anything yet?

- Pardon?
- Have you seen anything yet?

No, but I'm making up for it now.

Oh Lurcio, Lurcio...

Do you like the dress?
- Yes, beautiful.

I had it specially made for the occasion.

Do you think it's becoming?
- Oh, I think it will be going.

Oh Lurcio, I do hope it's alright.

Helen of Troy always wears
such magnificent clothes.

- Yes, I know, but...
- She's here! She's landed!

Oh, quickly Nausius, tell
me, what is she wearing?

Oh mater, such a vision!
It quite took my breath away.

I see, she's wearing a
chlorofphyl tablet, I see, yes.

Now now let me see.
She was wearing a golden skirt...

- Yes?
- ...split right up to here!

Ah, poor soul, she must have had
trouble climbing out of the boat.

And on her head a golden crown...

- What about her chest?
- Two seamen were carrying it out.

No wonder she had trouble
climbing out of the boat.

Oh no Nausius, I mean what
was she wearing on her chest?

Oh! Just two big plates!

Oh! Bags I do the washing up! Oh yes!

Oh mater, I didn't have
many eyes for Helen, no.

It was her handmaidens!

Oh! Her handmaidens who
held me spellbound!

Handmaidens? Why, what were they wearing?

Oh, I cannot say it aloud!

Oh! Nothing?!

Except for a little silver loincloth!

- A what?
- A loincloth.

Oh, loin time no see. Oh dear!

Look at him, no wonder he's spellbound!

His eyelashes are still knotted
together! Oh dear!

No no, I can't believe that,
even in this permissive society.

Well see for yourself! Oh!
Look! They're coming now!

And mater...
the handmaidens are walking in front.

Oh, look at those handmaidens!
They look more like bosom friends!

Look at those... Oooh!
Look... Oooh!

One for the road: Oooh!

All together, one more time: Oooh!

Thank you, I didn't expect that.

Well, one more time again, and Oooh!

Thank you.

Oh look. This is it, they won't be
long now, are you glad you came now?

Yes, those far craning all
have a good look, it's alright.

Don't stand on the seats,
sir, try and control yourself.

Here they are.
- Quickly, they're almost here, bow down.

Bow down, this is it,
get ready, here we are.

Woe, woe, and thrice woe!

Oh, no, not you, you spoilt it, we were
just working ourselves up then, weren't we.

The time has come! The end is here!

Oh not yet, surely!

Well it's only an excerpt!

Oh yes? It's on a silver show, I see...

Oh well, she's quite right.

Oh, well, I think our time's up.
What a shame!

'Cause you missed seeing
those beautiful handmaidens,

they've got such lovely...
I mean...

Oh well, you haven't missed
much, really, let's face it.

In the words of the poet Socrates:

If you've seen two, you've seen them all.

Salute!