Unsubscribe (2020) - full transcript
Five YouTubers join an online video-call and find themselves haunted and hunted by a mysterious internet troll.
[GREG] So you guys are gonna get me sleeping,
and then me waking up right?
[CREW] Yes, yeah, yeah- we literally just finished discussing ...
Now this is my favorite part of every morning.
I boot up my computer and I see what kind of feedback I've been getting since I
Cause, you know, you sleep for ten hours you don't know what people
are saying about you.
What's a let's play? Well have you guys
seen Mystery Science Theater? No?
Well neither have I but I hear it's very
similar to that. so what you do is you
So what you do is take a source material, with the let's play specifically you take a video game
and you play it like a normal customer
would but if you're funny if you have
the gift you talk over it and you make
jokes and you tell stories and people
watch it because they're not just
interested in the game they're interested in me!
When this light turns
no more cool, funny, everybody's friend,
just Greg. No no no no, when the light is
on you get Lazergreg. Your even
cooler even funnier even more interesting best friend!
[GREG] Haha! All right everyone, I'm walking around I
don't know if I'm supposed to kill this
guy but whatever! I'm just gonna...
Is that a rock?
I've committed to doing
let's plays professionally, full-time,
about a year ago. I used to be in college,
I don't to brag or anything, but it was
the fifth highest rated community
college and on the west coast
I have always thought of myself as a very
creative person. ALWAYS. when I was a
little kid and I was in grade school I
would never pay attention in class!
Schools aren't a place for creative
people. I'm an artist what do you- what
I'm gonna get a degree, and then get a
nine-to-five job with insurance and
benefits and stuff? No you can't be an
artist and have a job.
But, you know, I still have a regular job- I had to get, my parents said I had to
[GREG'S MOM] It did seem a little weird to us at first but you know as a mother I had to take a step back
and help Greg because I want to see him
reach his full potential.
[GREG'S DAD] It- it still doesn't make any sense to me...
This is my computer! Built her myself- I kinda...
of kind of a techie. She served me very
well like this thing she can survive
[SLAM] anything that I put her through you know?
Well if you asked me a month ago I would say thirty.
If you ask me now- how many
subscribers I have now... uh more than that...
You guys are subscribed right?
[CREW] Uh- yeah yeah yeah I will, eventually yeah
absolutely yeah possibly yeah yeah I did
I don't think people
understand what it takes to do what I do
okay at a regular job you just do your
job! You just do your work, but when you're a
let's player you have to be funny!
Gaaaaaaaaay- this game is gaaaaaaaay!
ALL THE TIME!
just stop you can't just take a break
that is thousands of hours recording it
and playing it and editing it and in
those thousands of hours you have to be
making jokes the entire time because my
audience my loving audience expects me
to be funny
That's pretty funny...
oh! you know what slavery! [typing]
Gogh paints the Mona Lisa and he spends
thousands of hours painting this thing
and he dies poor now imagine some guy
draws a funny mustache on the Mona Lisa
and he makes 500 million dollars.
Who would you rather be? I want to be the guy drawing mustache!
I want to be the millionaire! Cuz that's what this is it's it's taking something that exists and
making it better and being recognized
for that. Being BIG! I mean who are the
developers who made Call of Duty or
Bioshock or Doom? You don't know but you
know PewDiePie and it's hard it's really
it's really hard and people people don't
understand what it takes to do what I do!
It's just you know- I just gotta find my audience...
[Clicks refresh button]
it's got one like...
[GREG'S DAD] The hardest part is trying to explain it to our friends...
[GREG'S MOM] a lot of our friends have been asking about him... and if he's okay
You know from the outside, people just seem to think that Greg doesn't have a
plays video games all day and doesn't
seem to be doing anything with his life
[GREG] All right! Here we are, you guys are
seeing me and my second job. This is my
call it my civilian job!
[MR. NYCHO] Yeah, we hired uh,
Grade, a while ago. He's all right I guess
does what we tell him to.
[GREG] It really is
seeing the sheer amount of joy on a
person's face when he hand them a steaming pile of za.
This must be what Steve Jobs feels like every single day
Except instead of
delivering iPhones delivering pizza!
[GREG'S DAD] Wetold him he didn't get a job, we'd kick him out of the house.
It's given me a whole new perspective cuz I see I see how they live and it's been very humbling!
Do you think I'm humble?
Do you think I'm a humble person?
[MR NYCHO] He does seem kind of in his own head a bit though I mean which is normal for a
kid his age still trying to figure out
what I do with his life and all that..
*CAR HONKING* [GREG] Oh! Greg's gonna hit the car! Whoa!
[MR NYCHO] yeah he's nice to have around.. He's the
only one that likes Kevin.
Did you was your hands Kevin?
[GREG] You guys know Kevin right?
[CREW] Uh... I don't uh... no... ah
[GREG] You guys know Kevin! Come on he's in a lot of my videos if you guys watch my
videos like you've been bound to have
Hi, welcome to Perry's... I'd hi thanks for
calling Perry's I'd like to thank you
for.... What would you like to order?
I've got a lot of friends but Kevin has
definitely risen to the top he doesn't
say much but when he does say something
Hey hey, Greg..
more like all the FARTS you could eat!
*Greg laughs hysterically*
You guys are all so nice to have around!
The crew adds an interesting element.
People are you're making a real
Right now I have a rapidly growing
fanbase of highly dedicated highly
motivated Lazergreg fan boys... and girls
I'm very inclusive. I like to call them
my greggies... No, my La- my Lazies, Lazys?
My Lazys! Anyway I think it's super
important to stay connected with your
fans it's good to remind them that I'm
just another average, norma,l down to
So that's why I
host a weekly comment reaction video
for my griggers.
I don't just consider them
to be my fans some of them I consider
them to be my friends...
Some of them even
my best friends! you got Fedora Logan
spiderchan69, lavacraft, NaziDogg,
Peter Stormaretrooper and of course
Oh yeah I'm subscribed
I I try to watch all of his videos.
[GREG- on phone speaker]
Alright guys check this out!
[GREG- on phone speaker]
OOOOOOOH! HE BLEW UP!! That's crazyyyy!
So here we are next comment
Uuhh, first comment says
Nice vid... wow...
Thank you so much that
means a lot to me man
I worked really hard on this one... Part 18
Nazi D! my Grigger! Alright what's he gotta
"I think you can make your commentaries a little more engaging
if the editing was a little tighter.
Just a thought thought smiley face" well
What the frick are you talking about NaziDogg?
he's trolling he's always doing this!
What an idiot. Alright next comment!
Those are all of the the
comments this week if you guys want to
be on the next week's comment reaction
video just leave a comment.. and um..
Greg what did the comment say?
What do you think it said? Huh?
It's right there on the stupid screen!
I'm shitting, you want to join me?
I was thinking.
what we could do for the next stream is
we could wear silly hats or something
like that you think that'd be cool?
You think that'd be funny?
We could wear San Francisco Giants Hats!
That'd be funny! Get it? Cuz they're gay.
I didn't know they were gay...
Of course they are!
I don't think people would like that though
it's like hurtling..
joke's pretty highbrow
we got to think of something we need we
need a hook to get people watching Kevin
think of something!
I'm doing all the thinking!
We don't have to wear silly
we could just eat peppers!
that is an a-plus idea Kevin! That's a
good freakin idea! You see what we can do
when we work together when we put our
heads together you see what we can
accomplish? This is exactly what I'm
talking about, the dynamic duo, the dream
team. This is what it's all about!
GREG! NO! No! Nooo! Y
You know you're not supposed to do that
I was putting it
Did you even wash your hands?
He's jealous Kevin don't let him bother
Uh.. are you still my ride for tonight?
Oh yeah buddy! For sure!
Before I drop you off, can we still stream tonight?
I have homework...
When's it due?
Well then do it tomorrow!
It'll be fine! We're streaming Kevin! It's gonna be sweet
What's up everybody? It's your old buddy
Lazergreg, I'm back! and- don't wave
there's no camera. And I'm joined by my
Kevin it's really embarrassing having to say your real name on this dream dude..
Well it's not as
embarrassing as having to say Laser-Greg
okay Kevin- my name is cool!
alright? and besides every big youtuber
has like a cool youtuber name!
You know there's actually uh a YouTube celebrity that lives near here?
I would think you know him..
never heard anything about that...
But you know what? Fun fact: there is a guy who
lives around here who makes like YouTube
videos you know for fun like as a hobby
I don't know if you know him though he's
kind of small it's-
his name is DanMark...
Wait, oh yeah
that's what I was talking about!
You... You'd call DanMark.. like you'd go as far as to
call him a celebrity?
Well he has like, what 700,000 subscribers? that's kind of a lot..I'd say that's YouTube
Kevin subscribers aren't
everything! I mean this videos aren't
even really my thing anyway,
you know? So I guess that's why he's not
really lik-e that why don't really think
of him that way...
but like he does Let's Plays and
we do let's plays...
No no no, Kev-
it's not this it's not the same thing
like okay I can see the similarities
okay I'm not an idiot.
But like what we do is different
artistically.. like comparing apples
To green apples!
So green apples
different colors different
..tastes! They're like different the fruits
Where are we supposed to be going?
I actually saw him- he came to the
pizza place a few couple days ago he had a big order-
He was at the pizza place?
He bought pizza- what else
would he do? He bought a lot of
pizza it was like for a party or
something uh.. He seemed really nice and cool and chill
Yeah I mean he is cool! Because he's like got a cool sense of
style and he's got a cool house
supposedly he gives to charity or whatever...
I know DanMark!
Yeah! we go way
back way back oh yeah!
It is cool! Like I am cool for knowing him.
We've been- I don't want to say rivals,
but we've been like like friendly
competitors for a really really really
Hey, you seem to know him pretty well.
Well, he knows me too.
did you get invited to the party?
Kevin I- I get invited to like all sorts of
parties like I can't even keep track of
the parties I HAVE to go to- and so I was
absolutely invited to this one.
uh-hey yeah yeah!
Yeah but I don't know
if I'm gonna go because there's just-
there's... because, you know... we have a lot
of it's a job you... YOU know what Kevin?! we completely forgot I died earlier, and we're
supposed to eat the peppers so let's do
Okay? Cool awesome there they
are! We have a bowl right there it's- we
don't have a webcam like I said so it's
gonna be all yeah audio yeah I'll take
Let's light this bitch!
No I'm not strong
enough you have to go first
Wait! Don't be a hero Kevin I can do
it. We're gonna do it at the same time okay
Uah.. my god...
OOOWWWW!!! Oh my god it's so hot!
It's also pretty tasty!
Guah, no it isn't!! -OW!!
OH MY GOD!!
Greg, have you not swallowed yet?
It's so hot!
Do you want me to swallow for you?
NO KEVIN! Don't be gross!!
OH MY GOD!
KEVIN CUT THE STREAM
Cut the stream right now!
YOU PUSH THE BUTTON THAT SAYS STOP IDIOT!
Okay I got it, thank God.
Oh my God , Kevin you gotta go get me milk- you gotta go give me milk right now!
I need it
I NEEEED IT!
It's so hot!
Why did you let me do this?
Why would people do this for views?
FOR STUPID VIEWS!
Greg here's your milk
*Spits up into bowl*
This kind of crap.. ugh-
is below- below us! We can't do this to
You think this is below us?
Just wait until you shit it out, it's gonna be fuckin' hot!
I can't think of that right now Kevin we got to be smart about this okay. We have to think of a way to
So what are we gonna do?
That youtuber party that DanMark was throwing- uh
Do you remember when that was gonna be?
Do you remember when that was?
HEEEEEEYYY! Did somebody order a pizza?
Haha- um we did, a while ago...
we got it...
you're not missing
one? you're not missing one
Uuuuhh- no I don't think so...
I heard- I mean they called
me to come over here to deliver one are you sure?
I don't know.. I mean probably! Okay..
How long are we gonna keep doing this man?
Doing... what? Pizza- stuff?
No it's me!
my name's mark...
you know me man!
It's ringing some bells right?
How do you forget
this face? So you having like a like
a party or something fun going on in
Yeah it's just this little get-together, I actually gotta get back-
Is that Markiplier?!? Is that Markiplier?
You know what, I think I think I do
remember Greg! Yeah! we were both in the same
comm class that's right he Greg
delivered one of the most enchanting
monologues that I've ever heard...
I'm just kidding, I never took an oral comm class, but he seems like an okay guy I mean he
brought his own pizza!
He's a let's player? That's that's pretty cool! Maybe I'll
check out his channel sometime. You know
sometimes those little guys they deserve
the attention.. sometimes they make the
best content too
Oh, I'm a girl, I'm just gonna fucking kill myself, hold on.
I always thought I had a big family, but-
Hi, what's up? How many subscribers do you have?
On YouTube idiot, how many
subscribers you have on YouTube?
300,000 or so...
What?! Are you serious?! You?!
Hahahahahow do you have so many?
My boyfriend has much more so-
Oh I get it..
You gotta get those views any way you can, right?
What do you mean?
Well I mean
come on like, those aren't really your views right?
I mean they're only watching you
because of DanMark right?
What do you what do you like what
kind of videos do you make?
Oh! um I meanI have a few videos, mostly just of my cats.
How many views could those possibly get?
Well actually there's one of
yeah of my cat Wu-Wu reacting to popcorn!
It's really cute!
It sounds cute.
That one has about 3,000 views...
Markiplier! Markiplier! Mark- Mar.. have you seen Markiplier... around here? No?
Who is that?
That's- That's Greg!
Wha- What is he doing here?
Uh- I dunno! He kinda just walked in!
Well, he is weird and he is making everyone uncomfortable so you need to go talk to him!
Yo! Greg! How about you and I, we go
He is awesome I mean I how
cool is it that he's invited me to his
big youtuber party I mean obviously I
bring a lot to the table so this is as
much of a favor for him as it is for me
I don't know about this man I feel a
little nervous I don't know if I can do this..
Why not? come on.
I'm surrounded by
all these like YouTube celebrities like
all this talent that's weird..
nah not all
my friends are YouTube celebrities Greg
basically all of his friends are famous
I mean I'm I'm swimming with the sharks
out here okay and I'm a big shark but
these sharks are even bigger than I am
and if those sharks are bigger than this
shark like just just imagine how big
those sharks might be...
it makes you think
wow those are some big sharks...
Hahahaha, whooo! Fans!
Where the hell is he?
Stop calling me!
You have fans that call you?
Do they call you regularly?
Mm-hmm, yeah I
Oh man yeah it's sucks dude
I don't think it your number are you
getting hacked or they like messing with
you I know some people that can help you
out cuz I have my shi-stuff hacked-
oh no no no!
My griggers- very sneaky like thieves in the
How bout! we uh we watch a- uh we have a
YouTube video! One of your YouTube videos! Let's watch it
Yeah. yah yah yah yah yah ya
I could show you like one two or how ever many you want to look at. We gotta whole night ahead of us!
We got a whol- a groovy night! Yeah dude!
It's important I think to you know support
the the smaller channels on YouTube you
know especially as they're growing it's
tough, it is tough when you're starting out!
You know what it was.
it all started
for me with my uh my younger brother and
I we would we would play video games for
hours you know he would watch me play
you know our parents would get so mad
because we'd spent so many hours and
hours eating junk food playing games and
then he died
*laughs* I'm just-
guys I'm just kidding this joke he's
upstairs running around, acting like a
goofball I'm sure. But he told me how
much he liked watching videos of other
people playing video games and then
posting him online and it didn't make
sense to me at the time you know I
thought it was really pointless so I started making my own
[Greg over phone speaker]
You should really have a button where you know if a character is
gay or not just like just so you know if
you want to like if you're do hate gay people you can kill them
you know how about we get some head phones for that!
why what are you doing?
Well there's a lot of people here they're trying to have a conversation and I think you know
we just want to keep this between us two
youtubers you know what I'm sayin?
No! What are you talking about? They'll love it! Besides my video is more
interesting than their boring
ya- no.. uh ya- no
and then I got lucky again, overnight
one of my videos just went pwshooo and I've been
pretty doing pretty well ever since but
being honest you know I'm scraping the
bottom of the barrel which is sad, because I'm just
being myself come back in a couple years
and all I might have left are some fart
jokes, a cool jacket and- poop jokes..
[Greg over phone speaker]
alright guys so I just farted! which means I gotta take a shit!
[Greg over phone speaker]
so that's a good time to end the stream Lazergreg out!
Is it over? it says there's 20 minutes left
oh I forgot to stop the recording so I
just uploaded the whole thing!
You know you coulda editted that stuff out?
yeah I think people would be less
inclined to watch something that's 55
minutes long compared to something
that's like you know like 35 minutes on
or something like that-
[GIRL AT PARTY]
yeah that'll make it better
Whoa! oh oh hey hey hey you know the rules
here good vibes only all right we're all
hermanos here anyways
I'm saying is uh what you just showed me
was a success because you put it out
there there are so many people that you
talk talk talk all day about grading
people didn't ever do it alright
that being said I think you can make it
a little bit shorter because my YouTube
analytics show me and this is you know
I've been in the game for a while now
buddy. My shorter videos they do
better than my longer videos- and if you
just if you just make them shorter that
you you got it
He gets it... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
get out get out right now get out of
what are you still doing here
Hey! Greg! I thought you left so um-
no no I didn't but I'm leaving now so yeah I'm getting out of here
okay- you alright?
I'm positive I'm positive I'm great
don't I look great?
Don't touch me
Why don't you just a little longer I'll get
you a drink here I'll go get-
I don't want any more drinks okay I don't
anything to do with any of you this was stupid
I'm sorry I thought it would help
you I thought I could-
Oh! You thought you could help me! oh it's just me Greg! I always need help don't I always need
help from you well you know what I don't
need your help I never needed your help
look look how you're looking at me I can
see it I see it in all your eyes you
don't think that you can judge me and you can just poop all over my
accomplishments because every single one of you has more subscribers than me you
know what you you should have never
invited me to your stupid youtuber party
The party is better without him!
everyone who knows me knows that
I love criticism I need criticism I feed
off of it because you can't get better
unless you accept criticism that's how
you become the best and that's what I
want to be I want to be the best but it
has to be constructive yeah no one's
gonna help anyone if you're just being
mean it was just being a super jerk okay
I'm my biggest critic and I say I'm
great and everybody thinks Denmark is so
great cuz he's got a cool jacket and a
hot girlfriend everyone thinks he's
amazing so where does he get off judging
me telling me that I'm no good a fellow
creator that's not that's not the code
man from now on I'm gonna live by what I
I still have my channel, my career and my
job- You can't take that from me!
Greg! come here
what's up boss?
Kevin did it
you never made it back from your delivery, you never even MADE a delivery, and I had to give them 30% off their
and Kevin had to do it
told you Kevin did it
If that was the only thing you did
I'd still fire you
name one other thing I did you can't do it you've never done anything name one other thing
I've been receiving complaints about people having their toppings... rearranged have you been
tampering with toppings?
PEOPLE LIKE IT!?! ok I
customize their pizza experience it's FUN
Okay so this is what I do right I like to
personalize every single customer's
pizza because you know customer service
comes first and I want them to know I
want to know they didn't just get a
regular old pizza that they paid for
they got a pizza from Greg a Lazergreg
It's not fun it's disgusting it's disgusting it's gross
it's more fun than disgusting
no no I know that you don't wash your hands. Ok can I ask you guys to leave?
Oh- yeah guys let's get outta here
Greg, we'll see you later...
So... the manager and I had some
you are disgusting you think you just
touch pizzas like that he just rub your
dirty grubs all over them! you are the
stupidest person I've ever met you think
that's ok think it's fun
that's what I get for working with the enemy cuz you know what that that's what this is it's
a war between the blue-collar and the
artists apparently there's no room for
art in pizza believe me I tried but, no, you know what this taught me? this
taught me that I've been distracted
okay I have to focus all my efforts back
into my YouTube channel because this is
how they get you with you they attempt
to you with pizza and money and then
that's it you're dead you're one of them
there's just a mindless blue-collar
drone out to kill art
hey dude, thanks for the
Exactly Kevin ice cream ice cream is
art that's something and Mr. Nycho would
never understand he just cares about
about money on the bottom line
so um are you gonna try and do now, you gonna try and make some good videos?
no Kevin I'm going to make the best videos
It is! So guess what we're doing a stream tonight
you and me Kevin
oh... do you need me to help you?
Of course I need you to help me Kevin you're my
friend all right but also we are
partners we're in this together okay you
were always telling me that I I worked
too hard but now we're gonna work even
harder as a team we are the dynamic duo
of YouTube and you're my sidekick
yes and now there's nothing we can't
accomplish not one we're together
I can't stream tonight..
have you not been listening to a thing I've said ?
I've been doing some thinking
and something really important about
being creative is the ability to
continue learning I've been in the game
for a very long time but that doesn't
mean that there's not opportunities to
improve it says Mercury playback to
space ingest settings it's got a
stomach premier has a stomach?
what did I do? do any of you guys know how
to edit? do you know how to edit?
like pretty much all of us know how to edit...
So this is your clip right? Like this is the one you're gonna use I guess
yeah that's the video okay
so you basically in this first window
you can select what parts of it you want
to use so let's say you want to use this
part where you're shooting that-
I wanna use all of it! That's the whole video
Well that's the thing with editing is you don't want to use all of
why would I want less gold?
because like there's lots of parts where you like you go to the bathroom and stuff and like you
I can cut those
it's gonna take hours for one
video that I don't even know where to
okay it is 3:34 in the morning- the
witching hour... oh it's not like a
scary movie or anything there's no
ghosts well I'm recording this because I
wanted to show you guys that I finished
editing I am like an editing ninja I'm
just cutting all the chaff like this is
a skill I never know I had I have to cut
a lot of gold though it was very hard to
get rid of some of that gold but video
is about 30 minutes now I think I have
to say that this is the best video I've
ever made I have to sleep till 1:00 if I
want to get my full 10 hours
Gonna have to kick him
off my bed
frick... he's so peaceful
so did you guys hear the news
no what news?
I have decided to make a
you still have that job at the pizza place right?
yeah- of duh I'm working mornings now so I
can focus on making videos
why didn't you work this morning
I had the day off!
Well it must have been nice to get some rest and did you have fun with your friends last night?
mom, I keep telling you they are not my friends, they're just making a movie about me
you had a sleepover with people that aren't your friends?
*greg fake laughs*
you're not listening you're not listening to me! this is good news guys I'm back I'm
making it I'm back guys as long
have a job
yeah it was really hard lying
to my folks but I'd like to think that
they do the same thing in my position
because all they ever want to do is
support me and help me I'm striving for
something greater than they could
I want to tell them it's true trust me
I'd rather I rather tell them the truth
but they would want me to lie to them
because it's what's best for me so if
you think about it I'm not lying to them..
I'm lying for them...
alright everybody I'm
off to work now
all right so here's what I do okay I
wake up super early like 8:30 right
before my parents go to work I jump in
my car drive around the corner park it
then they leave hop the back fence jump
through the window
guys didn't want help? and that's it how
would they even know? who orders a pizza
in the morning
so I know Gregory is
lying to us even if I didn't see him
climb through his window the pizza place
doesn't even open until 11 o'clock and
I'm still subscribed to his YouTube
alright guys I'm back I'm just
ditching work forever cuz I quit my job
at the pizza place so now I'm gonna be
playing a lot more games for you guys
I'm going to be uploading probably four
times a day now
I leave comments but I
guess he doesn't know it's me
I can't tell my husband he'll kick Greg
more intense synth music
Kevin hi yeah listen I'm gonna get you
I don't care that you're at school Kevin
all right it's important just tell them
that you're sick or something make
yourself barf listen I'm gonna be there
in 10 minutes 10 minutes Kevin it's
gonna be 10 minutes it's fine
You said you'd be 10 minutes!
I was really hungry at stop somewhere to
Well, what dd we get?
we have peanuts in my house you can eat there.
what makes a video big you
know we could do you know those videos
where like someone dies so I can real
life they're dead but they died in like
a really funny way we could do that
people always click on those
are we gonna kill someone Greg?
no it's lightning in a bottle has to
look natural there'd be no way we could
make it look good
Well- when I click on a video it's
usually because it has a cold picture or
I know what we should do
or a red circle
Kevin shut up okay Stop talking!
to make our thumbnails better think
about it the thumbnail it's the first
thing someone sees when they click on a
video and if that looks good then the
video has to be good Kevin let's talk
about you when you click on a video
what's the thumbnail look like what is
it say Kevin Kevin answer the question
you never say anything say something
real Kevin say anything real
what would you click on what do you look
at what is the video?
would you click that video
I do I always do
and the ones that look like they prove aliens exist
we figured it out it was right here!
not on the board idiot
stop looking it's not on the board
are you gonna write something on the board
no I'm not gonna write something
on the board I already said the idea
they filmed it
but there's video ideas
otherwise what's the whole entire point
of having this why'd you-
now you're missing an eye
now you're missing your face
fucking cameras off
it is done
I want to click on it now
we're onto something Kevin do you feel it?
yeah I feel thirsty
I'm thirsty too Kevin
*Dramatic buzzsaw synth*
I'm thirsty for the nectar
the youtube nectar
What are you talking about?
I never know what the fuck you're
I'm talking about keesh Kevin
Dinero! Mulan... money
exactly there are many types of
respectable nectars but none
bountiful as YouTube nectar it is the
only nectar on the world that gives you
everything it's the only nectar that
that makes you into a better person a
smarter person think about it go all of
the other youtubers how beautiful it made
them Burnie Burns, PewDiePie ,Markiplier-
all touched by the nectar.
it doesn't work for everyone but it's going
to work us! for Lazergreg and Kevin-
Kevin you've got to get a new fucking name dude
but wait Greg, I have a name..
Kevin?! no that's your birth name Kevin okay you
got to get something new you have to
come up with a name that people can
respect look at Key & Peele, you think
Key & Peele are their real names? no! you
need a name like Peele
well I guess when you put it like that
it makes a bit more sense
now the nectar is sitting right in front of you it's got that name on it the nectar is not
for Kevin it's for the new you the
better you it'll come to you naturally
it'll flow into you Kevin
lucky number Kevin! that's what all the
chicks call me
Genius! you are a genius
let's make you a freakin YouTube channel
I've always wondered what it would be
like like what what I would want from
people once I became famous and it would
be create it would be crazy if people
just made fan art of me but in weird sex
fantasies can you imagine? you know what'd be funny? is me with Marge Simpson that'd be
hilarious or Elastigirl
oh boy I'm flirting with this one girl
for a while she's been flirting with me
she we we've been flirting with each
other it's a mutual thing the two of us
and I don't even really know how it
started she was one of the first people
who started watching my videos and then
we just took it from there and we're
just getting these very long very deep
conversations in the comments section
where we talk about everything the
content of the videos life politics love
and we just have this connection
I was one of Greg's first subscribers you know? Greg cares a lot about his fans but I
think he sees me as his number one fan
I mean she's obsessed with me dude she's my only support her on patreon
you know I think if it as allowance I mean I
think Greg would appreciate it more
we're thinking that it's coming from a
fan than his mom please don't tell his
she wants me
so I realized that you
can't just title a video Mark Wahlberg
you'll never guess we killed exposed and
just make it a fallout playthrough
because people get mad they start
disliking it a lot I got a lot of
dislikes on that video and dislikes make
so I learned that if you're gonna title
video something you actually have to
talk about what's in the title of the
video who's like confirmed to be an
alien like celebrity wise there the
obvious ones David Bowie's definitely an
alien why else would he write those
songs he's hiding in plain sight
it's just the I think these things are
interesting to talk about and now
because of it I can still do what I love
I can still play video games and make
people happy and become more famous the
Malaysian airline flight right it just
disappeared and everyone just stopped
talking about it even though we never
found it we never found it and you know
what that means right
I mean you think about it you think of
all the places that the government doesn't
let you go like Indian reservations. what
are they trying to hide? they say that
it's just a place where Indians can live
in peace or whatever but they could be
doing anything brewing anything. but I'm
at a hundred five subscribers 105
subscribers now I'm gaining like 10
subscribers a week DanMark right now
he's at like 400 thousands so I'll pass
him at least a couple of weeks
HEY everybody!! DanMark here! got a story to tell ya
Holy POO is it a good day? once upon a time this morning in fact I was walking down the road my
neighbor it's like hey there mark what
up and I'm like oh and he's like he goes
he goes to me he he comes up to me and
he goes he goes huh DAMN Mark how did
you get nine hundred thousand followers
-nine hundred thousand YouTube followers
I was like no way he's like yeah way so
I ran home really fast looked at my
computer and he was not kidding this
this is huge nine hundred thousand it's
you guys who inspire me everyday
inspiration changes perspective
therefore changes yourself I reached nine
hundred thousand followers today and
everything that I do here just just
could've been done without each and
every nine hundred thousand of you
believing in me and
time to spend however many minutes each
my videos are-
uh shit, I'm late..
Jim! you got the camera all.. set up
You need a cup of coffee or anything?
no, I'm alright
yeah I checked out Greg's channel
recently I think it's gotten a lot better
I don't think it's the kind of
Content that I would really want to watch...
the Taliban are victims the Taliban-
uh- but he's he's got his own thing he's on
his own path and I can't fault him for
that you can't fault anybody for that for being themselves
anyone who practices magic is evil David Blaine I
went to a magic show once when I was a
kid and how did he get the coin behind
my ear if they can make a coin show up
behind my ear
I consider Greg Greg a friend I think
he's a friend I think he would I'd hope
you considered me the same and I want
all my friends to succeed you know I
believe that there is a genre for
everyone and a viewer for every creator
*aggressive key slam*
what is his game here?
he is always one
step ahead of me
so I need to be two steps ahead of me
and then I'll be one step ahead of him
what makes DanMark popular like what why do people like him
well I mean he's got a nice personality his videos are funny and well edited and
It's his jacket..
I didn't know that...
yeah it's his jacket... jacket
*typing on keyboard*
Tssssss, it's like $80...
Kevin how much money do you have?
Uh, like $12
how does he even afford that?
I mean he has like a million subscribers..
no no, he has nine hundred forty-eight thousand
three hundred ninety-six subscribers
well then how are you gonna get the
jacket because I mean I was thinking of
some video ideas so we could do and
maybe if I learn some editing we could
come out with content more often together
and I wanted to research us playing
a new game together and I
have a few ideas that I want to go and try-
Kevin! have an idea
I thought my idea was
I know where we could get that jacket...
Okay, here we are.
is this DanMark's house?
Oh yeah- put your ski mask on
I don't have a ski mask!
Why didn't you bring your mask?
Are we going to break into DanMark's house?!
No- Kevin it's not like we're doing anything
super illegal- we're just going in there and taking his jacket!
Greg, I don't feel comfortable doing that stealing is-stealing is wrong
Kevin all right listen don't don't bail
me now okay after everything I've done
for you okay just relax
Greg, you have never done anything for me I thought it
was cool cuz you were older than me
and had a car but you're always mean to
me and you never liked my ideas and I'm
starting to fail Spanish class now cuz
you keep pulling me out of my school
where's this coming from
why being such a baby would it work
Kevin you're the only one who could fit
my chimney just
it'll be fast, don't worry about it.
Greg no I just I can't do this
that's wrong I'm walking home
wait wait you can't go man, we're a team!
We're Lazergreg, an- and LuckyNumberKevin!
You can never be done Kevin!
fine, more nectar for me!
see you on the stream on Friday!
I'm not coming back to the stream
*crisp door opening*
if only these walls could talk...
about his secrets
he's wearing it
Thar she blows!
What are you doing?
what do you mean what am I doing? You know what I'm doing
You're not actually doing this are you?
No-no, you're right. I wrote it down, had you film it, had you record it! Drove all the way here and broke into his house because I'm not gonna do it, really?
Oh my god...
you're not actually considering going through with this?
Whaaat do you want?
You will go to jail!
I'm going to go to jail?
You will go to jail!
Who's going to arrest me, is it going to be you? What are you a cop now? Officer idiot!
let me work
No! no, I can't do this
I can't do this anymore
I'm DONE! I'm fucking leaving
Get outta here
Just- Just leave the mic!
What is his deal?
I just didn't have the heart for it he
obviously cares so much about that
jacket sleeps in it so why would I even
take something that makes him so happy I gotta just get..
Danmark sleeps in his jacket
Danmark sleeps in his jacket
Danmark SLEEPS in his jacket
oh my god DanMark sleeps in his jacket!
*More maniacal laughing*
all right guys get this I have some
serious dirt on DanMark- REAL DIRT and the
thing is DanMark and I we're we're
really good friends were like best
friends he lets me stay in his house all
the time we hang out all the time his
girlfriend super hot and she's super
nice to me specifically but I just felt
like I had to inform his audience of who
he really is...
I can't believe I am gonna say it! did you know that DanMark actually sleeps while wearing his jacket- like
what a freakin weirdo like he sleeps in his jacket! some of you guys are gonna be thinking like that
it's not that big a deal
Oh DanMark sleeps in his jacket oh who
cares it's like but that makes him a
freak and a psychopath and a crazy
person he he loves his image of who he
is like the DanMark personality like oh
who he's become the sellout that he is
now that he can't even take his jacket
off when he's sleeping
No I don't feel bad... I don't feel bad at all
we're rivals we're like all the famous
rivals we're like Tom and Jerry or FDR
and Hitler or John Lennon and the guy
who killed John Lennon
look at you guys
I see the way you look at me
every time I bring up Danmark you all
look at me the same way you look at me
like like you don't understand like how
could he hate Danmark how could anyone
hate Danmark you've all talked to him
you've all spent time with him you've
all interviewed him and you all think
he's so perfect and so great but you
never asked me you never asked me why
you want to know? You want to find out?
in high school I had this class and this
guy would sit next to me and he didn't "bully" me nobody ever bullies me but...
he gave me a hard time
he made it difficult every day he made
it hard and then one day before class
he's coming up to me and I know what
he's gonna do and I know what he's gonna
say and I know what's gonna happen but
then DanMark shows up- out of nowhere
completely forgot he was in the class
all I could focus was on this guy and he
just stares him down tells him to
leave me alone and the guy gets back up
in his face right here like they're
gonna fight but DanMark doesn't move
DanMark just stands there and tells them
to leave me alone and the guy gives up
then he sits down and he doesn't look at
me it doesn't say anything to me for the
rest of the year
and you know what happened after that
everyone starts patting Danmark on the
back saying how great of a guy he is how
he's a hero how he saved me and you know
where that left me?
I was just the kid that needed to be saved
well I didn't need his help! I didn't ask
him for his help, but that's all I was
the guy who he saved
and that's why I have to beat him if
that's why I'm chasing him that's why I
have to pass him cuz that's not all I'm
going to be and that's the whole reason
why he did it he didn't do it to help me
he did it to help himself so everyone
would congratulate him so he would be
it's too late now anyway it's not like I
can take the video down it's already
You know you can take a video down?
I'm not gonna take it down
now, it's got a ton of views it's got a hundred like a day
-it's not a big deal
DanMark sleeps in his jacket but no
that makes him a freak and a psychopath
and a crazy person he what I'm like I
love him so much he's like a brother to
me but he is a fucking freak what is
this is the greatest day of my life
welcome back griggers we're having
another comment comeback video first
comment is from beef jerky is my life
fuck DanMark, I always knew he was a
pussy. Here's the thing- you're not close
to DanMark one of his friends or his
best friends or in his family I am so I
can say from personal experience that
yes he is a gigantic pussy
"thank you for telling me, unsubscribed from Dan Marc because of this always knew there was something off about him"
well real Bigfoot there is
something off about him just not his
jacket- cuz he sleeps in it is! next comment
is from my boy my Griggga Nazi Dogg
"video was alright, kind of funny, miss Kevin
though hope to see him in the next one"
*Greg laughs like a crazy person*
Oh Nazi-D! nobody misses Kevin he's a
soul-sucking coward! Next comment is from
elite hacker 666 kill yourself you hack
you suck what you're doing is this dumb
drama crap reviews alright
I'm not gonna- read your novel just cuz I
owned your boyfriend on the internet
we're just gonna move on...
Most of them are kinda similar...
ok except we
have one from an original Lazergreg fan!-