Unsubscribe (2020) - full transcript

*Electrical hum*

*Synth Music*

[GREG] So you guys are gonna get me sleeping,
and then me waking up right?

[CREW] Yes, yeah, yeah- we literally just finished discussing ...

*Greg grunts*

Now this is my favorite part of every morning.

I boot up my computer and I see what kind of feedback I've been getting since I
was asleep.

Cause, you know, you sleep for ten hours you don't know what people
are saying about you.

What's a let's play? Well have you guys
seen Mystery Science Theater? No?

Well neither have I but I hear it's very
similar to that. so what you do is you

So what you do is take a source material, with the let's play specifically you take a video game



and you play it like a normal customer
would but if you're funny if you have

the gift you talk over it and you make
jokes and you tell stories and people

watch it because they're not just
interested in the game they're interested in me!

When this light turns
on

no more cool, funny, everybody's friend,
just Greg. No no no no, when the light is

on you get Lazergreg. Your even
cooler even funnier even more interesting best friend!

[GREG] Haha! All right everyone, I'm walking around I

don't know if I'm supposed to kill this
guy but whatever! I'm just gonna...

Is that a rock?

I've committed to doing
let's plays professionally, full-time,

about a year ago. I used to be in college,
I don't to brag or anything, but it was

the fifth highest rated community
college and on the west coast

I have always thought of myself as a very
creative person. ALWAYS. when I was a

little kid and I was in grade school I
would never pay attention in class!



Schools aren't a place for creative
people. I'm an artist what do you- what

I'm gonna get a degree, and then get a
nine-to-five job with insurance and

benefits and stuff? No you can't be an
artist and have a job.

But, you know, I still have a regular job- I had to get, my parents said I had to

[GREG'S MOM] It did seem a little weird to us at first but you know as a mother I had to take a step back

and help Greg because I want to see him
reach his full potential.

[GREG'S DAD] It- it still doesn't make any sense to me...

This is my computer! Built her myself- I kinda...

of kind of a techie. She served me very
well like this thing she can survive

[SLAM] anything that I put her through you know?

Well if you asked me a month ago I would say thirty.

If you ask me now- how many
subscribers I have now... uh more than that...

You guys are subscribed right?

[CREW] Uh- yeah yeah yeah I will, eventually yeah
absolutely yeah possibly yeah yeah I did

yeah good!

I don't think people
understand what it takes to do what I do

okay at a regular job you just do your
job! You just do your work, but when you're a

let's player you have to be funny!

Gaaaaaaaaay- this game is gaaaaaaaay!

ALL THE TIME!

just stop you can't just take a break
that is thousands of hours recording it

and playing it and editing it and in
those thousands of hours you have to be

making jokes the entire time because my
audience my loving audience expects me

to be funny

That's pretty funny...

oh! you know what slavery! [typing]

Vincent van
Gogh paints the Mona Lisa and he spends

thousands of hours painting this thing
and he dies poor now imagine some guy

draws a funny mustache on the Mona Lisa
and he makes 500 million dollars.

Who would you rather be? I want to be the guy drawing mustache!

I want to be the millionaire! Cuz that's what this is it's it's taking something that exists and

making it better and being recognized
for that. Being BIG! I mean who are the

developers who made Call of Duty or
Bioshock or Doom? You don't know but you

know PewDiePie and it's hard it's really
it's really hard and people people don't

understand what it takes to do what I do!

It's just you know- I just gotta find my audience...

[Clicks refresh button]

it's got one like...

[TITLE MUSIC]

[GREG'S DAD] The hardest part is trying to explain it to our friends...

[GREG'S MOM] a lot of our friends have been asking about him... and if he's okay

You know from the outside, people just seem to think that Greg doesn't have a
job

plays video games all day and doesn't
seem to be doing anything with his life

[GREG] All right! Here we are, you guys are
seeing me and my second job. This is my

call it my civilian job!

[MR. NYCHO] Yeah, we hired uh,
Grade, a while ago. He's all right I guess

does what we tell him to.

[GREG] It really is
unbelievable

seeing the sheer amount of joy on a
person's face when he hand them a steaming pile of za.

This must be what Steve Jobs feels like every single day

Except instead of
delivering iPhones delivering pizza!

[GREG'S DAD] Wetold him he didn't get a job, we'd kick him out of the house.

It's given me a whole new perspective cuz I see I see how they live and it's been very humbling!

Do you think I'm humble?

What?
Do you think I'm a humble person?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MR NYCHO] He does seem kind of in his own head a bit though I mean which is normal for a

kid his age still trying to figure out
what I do with his life and all that..

*CAR HONKING* [GREG] Oh! Greg's gonna hit the car! Whoa!

[MR NYCHO] yeah he's nice to have around.. He's the
only one that likes Kevin.

Did you was your hands Kevin?

[GREG] You guys know Kevin right?

[CREW] Uh... I don't uh... no... ah

[GREG] You guys know Kevin! Come on he's in a lot of my videos if you guys watch my

videos like you've been bound to have
heard Kevin!

[KEVIN]
Watch this...

Hi, welcome to Perry's... I'd hi thanks for
calling Perry's I'd like to thank you

for.... What would you like to order?

[GREG]
I've got a lot of friends but Kevin has

definitely risen to the top he doesn't
say much but when he does say something

gold!

[KEVIN]
Hey hey, Greg..

Hey!

more like all the FARTS you could eat!

*Greg laughs hysterically*

[MR NYCHO]
You guys are all so nice to have around!

The crew adds an interesting element.

People are you're making a real
movie!

[GREG]
Right now I have a rapidly growing

fanbase of highly dedicated highly
motivated Lazergreg fan boys... and girls

I'm very inclusive. I like to call them
my greggies... No, my La- my Lazies, Lazys?

My Lazys! Anyway I think it's super
important to stay connected with your

fans it's good to remind them that I'm
just another average, norma,l down to

earth, average...

celebrity!

So that's why I
host a weekly comment reaction video

for my griggers.

I don't just consider them
to be my fans some of them I consider

them to be my friends...

Some of them even
my best friends! you got Fedora Logan

spiderchan69, lavacraft, NaziDogg,
Peter Stormaretrooper and of course

puppyluvr..

[GREG'S MOM]
Oh yeah I'm subscribed
absolutely!

I I try to watch all of his videos.

[GREG- on phone speaker]
Alright guys check this out!

[GREG- on phone speaker]
OOOOOOOH! HE BLEW UP!! That's crazyyyy!

Alright!

So here we are next comment
reaction video.

Uuhh, first comment says

"nice vid!"

Nice vid... wow...

Thank you so much that
means a lot to me man

I worked really hard on this one... Part 18
was...

Thank you.

*Greg Laughs*

My boy!

Nazi D! my Grigger! Alright what's he gotta
say?

"I think you can make your commentaries a little more engaging

if the editing was a little tighter.

Just a thought thought smiley face" well

What the frick are you talking about NaziDogg?

he's trolling he's always doing this!
it's crazy,

What an idiot. Alright next comment!

So um...

Those are all of the the
comments this week if you guys want to

be on the next week's comment reaction
video just leave a comment.. and um..

LAZERGREEEEEEG out!
Alright...

FRICK!

[CREW]
Greg what did the comment say?

What do you think it said? Huh?

It's right there on the stupid screen!

I'm shitting, you want to join me?

[GREG]
Kevin
[KEVIN]
uh-huh

[GREG]
I was thinking.
what we could do for the next stream is

we could wear silly hats or something
like that you think that'd be cool?

You think that'd be funny?
[KEVIN]
ah....

[GREG]
We could wear San Francisco Giants Hats!

[KEVIN]
Right...

That'd be funny! Get it? Cuz they're gay.

Oh...

[KEVIN]
I didn't know they were gay...

Of course they are!

I don't think people would like that though
it's like hurtling..

Oh yeah

joke's pretty highbrow

yeah

Frick Kevin
we got to think of something we need we

need a hook to get people watching Kevin
think of something!

Okay.

I'm doing all the thinking!

We don't have to wear silly
hats...

we could just eat peppers!

Kevin

that is an a-plus idea Kevin! That's a
good freakin idea! You see what we can do

when we work together when we put our
heads together you see what we can

accomplish? This is exactly what I'm
talking about, the dynamic duo, the dream

team. This is what it's all about!

[MR NYCHO]
GREG! NO! No! Nooo! Y

You know you're not supposed to do that

I was putting it
back!

Did you even wash your hands?

*soft thud*

[MR NYCHO]
*Sighs*

Fucking....

[GREG]
He's jealous Kevin don't let him bother
you

[KEVIN]
Uh.. are you still my ride for tonight?

Oh yeah buddy! For sure!

Before I drop you off, can we still stream tonight?

I have homework...

When's it due?

Tomorroooow...

Well then do it tomorrow!

It'll be fine! We're streaming Kevin! It's gonna be sweet

[GREG]
What's up everybody? It's your old buddy
Lazergreg, I'm back! and- don't wave

there's no camera. And I'm joined by my
buddy Kevin!

Kevin it's really embarrassing having to say your real name on this dream dude..

Well it's not as

embarrassing as having to say Laser-Greg

okay Kevin- my name is cool!

alright? and besides every big youtuber
has like a cool youtuber name!

You know there's actually uh a YouTube celebrity that lives near here?

Uuuuhhh no

I would think you know him..

never heard anything about that...

okay..

But you know what? Fun fact: there is a guy who

lives around here who makes like YouTube
videos you know for fun like as a hobby

I don't know if you know him though he's
kind of small it's-

his name is DanMark...

Oh yeah!

Wait, oh yeah
that's what I was talking about!

You... You'd call DanMark.. like you'd go as far as to

call him a celebrity?

Well he has like, what 700,000 subscribers? that's kind of a lot..I'd say that's YouTube

celebrity status..

Kevin subscribers aren't
everything! I mean this videos aren't

even really my thing anyway,
you know? So I guess that's why he's not

really lik-e that why don't really think
of him that way...

but like he does Let's Plays and

we do let's plays...

No no no, Kev-
it's not this it's not the same thing

like okay I can see the similarities
okay I'm not an idiot.

Right...

But like what we do is different
artistically.. like comparing apples

Okay..

To oranges...

To green apples!

So green apples
different colors different

..tastes! They're like different the fruits
all together-

Where are we supposed to be going?

I actually saw him- he came to the
pizza place a few couple days ago he had a big order-

He was at the pizza place?

Pizza place...

Doing what!?

He bought pizza- what else
would he do? He bought a lot of

pizza it was like for a party or
something uh.. He seemed really nice and cool and chill

Yeah I mean he is cool! Because he's like got a cool sense of

style and he's got a cool house
supposedly he gives to charity or whatever...

I know DanMark!

Yeah! we go way
back way back oh yeah!

That's cool!

It is cool! Like I am cool for knowing him.

We've been- I don't want to say rivals,

but we've been like like friendly
competitors for a really really really

long time.

Okay!

Hey, you seem to know him pretty well.

Well, he knows me too.

did you get invited to the party?

Kevin I- I get invited to like all sorts of

parties like I can't even keep track of
the parties I HAVE to go to- and so I was

absolutely invited to this one.

uh-hey yeah yeah!

Yeah but I don't know

if I'm gonna go because there's just-
there's... because, you know... we have a lot

of it's a job you... YOU know what Kevin?! we completely forgot I died earlier, and we're

supposed to eat the peppers so let's do
that.. now.

Okay? Cool awesome there they

are! We have a bowl right there it's- we
don't have a webcam like I said so it's

gonna be all yeah audio yeah I'll take
that.

You ready?

Let's light this bitch!

No I'm not strong
enough you have to go first

uh kay

Wait! Don't be a hero Kevin I can do
it. We're gonna do it at the same time okay

Okay.

*peppers crunch*

Uah.. my god...

Ow-

[KEVIN]
Mmm

OW! OW!!

OOOWWWW!!! Oh my god it's so hot!

*pepper crunch*

It's also pretty tasty!

Guah, no it isn't!! -OW!!

OH MY GOD!!

Greg, have you not swallowed yet?

NO!

It's so hot!

Do you want me to swallow for you?

NO KEVIN! Don't be gross!!

OH MY GOD!

KEVIN CUT THE STREAM

Cut the stream right now!

How?

YOU PUSH THE BUTTON THAT SAYS STOP IDIOT!

Okay I got it, thank God.

Oh my God , Kevin you gotta go get me milk- you gotta go give me milk right now!

I need it

Okay!

I NEEEED IT!

It's so hot!

Oh God!

*swallows throwup*
WHY?

Why did you let me do this?

Why would people do this for views?

FOR STUPID VIEWS!

Greg here's your milk

Gimme!

*Spits up into bowl*

*Drinking milk*

*Gasp*

This kind of crap.. ugh-

is below- below us! We can't do this to
ourselves

You think this is below us?

Just wait until you shit it out, it's gonna be fuckin' hot!

I can't think of that right now Kevin we got to be smart about this okay. We have to think of a way to

get views

So what are we gonna do?

Hey-

Uh

That youtuber party that DanMark was throwing- uh

Do you remember when that was gonna be?

Do you remember when that was?

*muffled music*

*Door opening*

HEEEEEEYYY! Did somebody order a pizza?

Haha- um we did, a while ago...

Oh- Uuuuhhhh

like but

we got it...

you're not missing
one? you're not missing one

Uuuuhh- no I don't think so...

I heard- I mean they called
me to come over here to deliver one are you sure?

I don't know.. I mean probably! Okay..

How long are we gonna keep doing this man?

Doing... what? Pizza- stuff?

No it's me!

Greg!

Lazergreg?

DanMark!

from?

high school!

my name's mark...

you know me man!

Aahhhhh-

It's ringing some bells right?

yeah...

How do you forget
this face? So you having like a like

a party or something fun going on in
there?

Yeah it's just this little get-together, I actually gotta get back-

Is that Markiplier?!? Is that Markiplier?

[DanMark]
You know what, I think I think I do
remember Greg! Yeah! we were both in the same

oral
comm class that's right he Greg

delivered one of the most enchanting
monologues that I've ever heard...

I'm just kidding, I never took an oral comm class, but he seems like an okay guy I mean he

brought his own pizza!

He's a let's player? That's that's pretty cool! Maybe I'll

check out his channel sometime. You know
sometimes those little guys they deserve

the attention.. sometimes they make the
best content too

[GREG]
Oh, I'm a girl, I'm just gonna fucking kill myself, hold on.

Other times...

[JULIE]
I always thought I had a big family, but-

Hey!

Hi, what's up? How many subscribers do you have?

On what?

*greg laughs*

On YouTube idiot, how many
subscribers you have on YouTube?

Um like

300,000 or so...

What?! Are you serious?! You?!

Hahahahahow do you have so many?

My boyfriend has much more so-

Oh I get it..

You gotta get those views any way you can, right?

What do you mean?

Well I mean
come on like, those aren't really your views right?

I mean they're only watching you
because of DanMark right?

No!

What do you what do you like what
kind of videos do you make?

Oh! um I meanI have a few videos, mostly just of my cats.

How many views could those possibly get?

Well actually there's one of
yeah of my cat Wu-Wu reacting to popcorn!

Okay-

It's really cute!

It sounds cute.

That one has about 3,000 views...

cool.

Markiplier! Markiplier! Mark- Mar.. have you seen Markiplier... around here? No?

[DANMARK]
Heeeeeeeyyyyyy

Who is that?

That's- That's Greg!

Wha- What is he doing here?

Uh- I dunno! He kinda just walked in!

Haha

Well, he is weird and he is making everyone uncomfortable so you need to go talk to him!

Yo! Greg! How about you and I, we go
over here?

He is awesome I mean I how

cool is it that he's invited me to his
big youtuber party I mean obviously I

bring a lot to the table so this is as
much of a favor for him as it is for me

I don't know about this man I feel a
little nervous I don't know if I can do this..

Why not? come on.

I'm surrounded by
all these like YouTube celebrities like

all this talent that's weird..

nah not all
my friends are YouTube celebrities Greg

basically all of his friends are famous
I mean I'm I'm swimming with the sharks

out here okay and I'm a big shark but
these sharks are even bigger than I am

and if those sharks are bigger than this
shark like just just imagine how big

those sharks might be...

it makes you think

wow those are some big sharks...

*phone ringing*

Hahahaha, whooo! Fans!

Where the hell is he?

Stop calling me!

You have fans that call you?

Do they call you regularly?

Mm-hmm, yeah I
do

Oh man yeah it's sucks dude

I don't think it your number are you
getting hacked or they like messing with

you I know some people that can help you
out cuz I have my shi-stuff hacked-

oh no no no!

My griggers- very sneaky like thieves in the
night!

How bout! we uh we watch a- uh we have a

YouTube video! One of your YouTube videos! Let's watch it

Yeah!

Yah!

Yeah. yah yah yah yah yah ya

I could show you like one two or how ever many you want to look at. We gotta whole night ahead of us!

We got a whol- a groovy night! Yeah dude!

It's important I think to you know support
the the smaller channels on YouTube you

know especially as they're growing it's
tough, it is tough when you're starting out!

You know what it was.

it all started
for me with my uh my younger brother and

I we would we would play video games for
hours you know he would watch me play

you know our parents would get so mad
because we'd spent so many hours and

hours eating junk food playing games and
then he died

*laughs* I'm just-

guys I'm just kidding this joke he's
upstairs running around, acting like a

goofball I'm sure. But he told me how
much he liked watching videos of other

people playing video games and then
posting him online and it didn't make

sense to me at the time you know I
thought it was really pointless so I started making my own

[Greg over phone speaker]
You should really have a button where you know if a character is

gay or not just like just so you know if
you want to like if you're do hate gay people you can kill them

you know how about we get some head phones for that!

Wait what?
Got some

Some Headphones!
why what are you doing?

Well there's a lot of people here they're trying to have a conversation and I think you know

we just want to keep this between us two
youtubers you know what I'm sayin?

No! What are you talking about? They'll love it! Besides my video is more

interesting than their boring
conversation anyway

ya- no.. uh ya- no

and then I got lucky again, overnight
one of my videos just went pwshooo and I've been

pretty doing pretty well ever since but
being honest you know I'm scraping the

bottom of the barrel which is sad, because I'm just

being myself come back in a couple years
and all I might have left are some fart

jokes, a cool jacket and- poop jokes..

[Greg over phone speaker]
alright guys so I just farted! which means I gotta take a shit!

[Greg over phone speaker]
so that's a good time to end the stream Lazergreg out!

Is it over? it says there's 20 minutes left

oh I forgot to stop the recording so I

just uploaded the whole thing!

You know you coulda editted that stuff out?

*snickering*

oh?

yeah I think people would be less
inclined to watch something that's 55

minutes long compared to something
that's like you know like 35 minutes on

or something like that-

[GIRL AT PARTY]
yeah that'll make it better

Whoa! oh oh hey hey hey you know the rules
here good vibes only all right we're all

hermanos here anyways
I'm saying is uh what you just showed me

was a success because you put it out
there there are so many people that you

talk talk talk all day about grading
people didn't ever do it alright

that being said I think you can make it
a little bit shorter because my YouTube

analytics show me and this is you know
I've been in the game for a while now

buddy. My shorter videos they do
better than my longer videos- and if you

just if you just make them shorter that
you you got it

He gets it... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

get out get out right now get out of
here

*party noises*

what are you still doing here
we're closed

Hey! Greg! I thought you left so um-

no no I didn't but I'm leaving now so yeah I'm getting out of here

okay- you alright?

I'm fine

you sure?

I'm positive I'm positive I'm great

you sure?

don't I look great?

Don't touch me

Why don't you just a little longer I'll get
you a drink here I'll go get-

I don't want any more drinks okay I don't
anything to do with any of you this was stupid

I'm sorry I thought it would help
you I thought I could-

Oh! You thought you could help me! oh it's just me Greg! I always need help don't I always need

help from you well you know what I don't
need your help I never needed your help

look look how you're looking at me I can
see it I see it in all your eyes you

don't think that you can judge me and you can just poop all over my

accomplishments because every single one of you has more subscribers than me you

know what you you should have never
invited me to your stupid youtuber party

anyway!

[PARTY GUEST]
The party is better without him!

everyone who knows me knows that
I love criticism I need criticism I feed

off of it because you can't get better
unless you accept criticism that's how

you become the best and that's what I
want to be I want to be the best but it

has to be constructive yeah no one's
gonna help anyone if you're just being

mean it was just being a super jerk okay
I'm my biggest critic and I say I'm

great and everybody thinks Denmark is so
great cuz he's got a cool jacket and a

hot girlfriend everyone thinks he's
amazing so where does he get off judging

me telling me that I'm no good a fellow
creator that's not that's not the code

man from now on I'm gonna live by what I
said

I still have my channel, my career and my
job- You can't take that from me!

[MR NYCHO]
Greg! come here

what's up boss?

you're fired

Kevin did it

you never made it back from your delivery, you never even MADE a delivery, and I had to give them 30% off their

next purchase
and Kevin had to do it

told you Kevin did it

If that was the only thing you did
I'd still fire you

name one other thing I did you can't do it you've never done anything name one other thing

I've been receiving complaints about people having their toppings... rearranged have you been

tampering with toppings?

PEOPLE LIKE IT!?! ok I
customize their pizza experience it's FUN

Okay so this is what I do right I like to
personalize every single customer's

pizza because you know customer service
comes first and I want them to know I

want to know they didn't just get a
regular old pizza that they paid for

they got a pizza from Greg a Lazergreg
pizza

It's not fun it's disgusting it's disgusting it's gross

it's more fun than disgusting

no no I know that you don't wash your hands. Ok can I ask you guys to leave?

[CREW]
Oh- yeah guys let's get outta here

[CREW]
Greg, we'll see you later...

So... the manager and I had some

creative differences

you are disgusting you think you just

touch pizzas like that he just rub your
dirty grubs all over them! you are the

stupidest person I've ever met you think
that's ok think it's fun

that's what I get for working with the enemy cuz you know what that that's what this is it's

a war between the blue-collar and the
artists apparently there's no room for

art in pizza believe me I tried but, no, you know what this taught me? this

taught me that I've been distracted
okay I have to focus all my efforts back

into my YouTube channel because this is
how they get you with you they attempt

to you with pizza and money and then
that's it you're dead you're one of them

there's just a mindless blue-collar
drone out to kill art

[KEVIN]
hey dude, thanks for the

Exactly Kevin ice cream ice cream is
art that's something and Mr. Nycho would

never understand he just cares about
about money on the bottom line

so um are you gonna try and do now, you gonna try and make some good videos?

no Kevin I'm going to make the best videos

Okay!

yeah!
good idea!

It is! So guess what we're doing a stream tonight

you and me Kevin

oh... do you need me to help you?

Of course I need you to help me Kevin you're my

friend all right but also we are
partners we're in this together okay you

were always telling me that I I worked
too hard but now we're gonna work even

harder as a team we are the dynamic duo
of YouTube and you're my sidekick

yes!

yes and now there's nothing we can't
accomplish not one we're together

nothing!

Nothing!
Nothing!

I can't stream tonight..

have you not been listening to a thing I've said ?

I've been doing some thinking
and something really important about

being creative is the ability to
continue learning I've been in the game

for a very long time but that doesn't
mean that there's not opportunities to

improve it says Mercury playback to
space ingest settings it's got a

stomach premier has a stomach?
what did I do? do any of you guys know how

to edit? do you know how to edit?

[CREW]
like pretty much all of us know how to edit...

So this is your clip right? Like this is the one you're gonna use I guess

yeah that's the video okay

so you basically in this first window
you can select what parts of it you want

to use so let's say you want to use this
part where you're shooting that-

I wanna use all of it! That's the whole video

Well that's the thing with editing is you don't want to use all of
it

why would I want less gold?

because like there's lots of parts where you like you go to the bathroom and stuff and like you

I can cut those
out?
yeah

it's gonna take hours for one

video that I don't even know where to
start

okay it is 3:34 in the morning- the
witching hour... oh it's not like a

scary movie or anything there's no
ghosts well I'm recording this because I

wanted to show you guys that I finished
editing I am like an editing ninja I'm

just cutting all the chaff like this is
a skill I never know I had I have to cut

a lot of gold though it was very hard to
get rid of some of that gold but video

is about 30 minutes now I think I have
to say that this is the best video I've

ever made I have to sleep till 1:00 if I
want to get my full 10 hours

Gonna have to kick him

off my bed

frick... he's so peaceful

Good morning

good
afternoon

so did you guys hear the news

no what news?

I have decided to make a
youtube comeback

that's great!

you still have that job at the pizza place right?

yeah- of duh I'm working mornings now so I

can focus on making videos

why didn't you work this morning

I had the day off!

Well it must have been nice to get some rest and did you have fun with your friends last night?

mom, I keep telling you they are not my friends, they're just making a movie about me

you had a sleepover with people that aren't your friends?

*greg fake laughs*

you're not listening you're not listening to me! this is good news guys I'm back I'm

making it I'm back guys as long

as you
have a job

[GREG]
yeah it was really hard lying

to my folks but I'd like to think that
they do the same thing in my position

because all they ever want to do is
support me and help me I'm striving for

something greater than they could
possibly imagine

I want to tell them it's true trust me
I'd rather I rather tell them the truth

but they would want me to lie to them
because it's what's best for me so if

you think about it I'm not lying to them..
I'm lying for them...

alright everybody I'm

off to work now

all right so here's what I do okay I

wake up super early like 8:30 right
before my parents go to work I jump in

my car drive around the corner park it
then they leave hop the back fence jump

through the window

guys didn't want help? and that's it how
would they even know? who orders a pizza

in the morning

so I know Gregory is
lying to us even if I didn't see him

climb through his window the pizza place
doesn't even open until 11 o'clock and

I'm still subscribed to his YouTube
channel

[GREG]
alright guys I'm back I'm just

ditching work forever cuz I quit my job
at the pizza place so now I'm gonna be

playing a lot more games for you guys
I'm going to be uploading probably four

times a day now

[GREG'S MOM]
I leave comments but I
guess he doesn't know it's me

I can't tell my husband he'll kick Greg
out

{falsetto}
It's foolproof!

Synth music

click

more intense synth music

Kevin hi yeah listen I'm gonna get you
right now

I don't care that you're at school Kevin
all right it's important just tell them

that you're sick or something make
yourself barf listen I'm gonna be there

in 10 minutes 10 minutes Kevin it's
gonna be 10 minutes it's fine

[GREG]
get in!

You said you'd be 10 minutes!

I was really hungry at stop somewhere to
get food

Well, what dd we get?

MINE!

we have peanuts in my house you can eat there.

what makes a video big you
know we could do you know those videos

where like someone dies so I can real
life they're dead but they died in like

a really funny way we could do that
people always click on those

are we gonna kill someone Greg?

no it's lightning in a bottle has to

look natural there'd be no way we could
make it look good

Well- when I click on a video it's

usually because it has a cold picture or
boobies

I know what we should do

or a red circle

Kevin shut up okay Stop talking!

okay..

we have
to make our thumbnails better think

about it the thumbnail it's the first
thing someone sees when they click on a

video and if that looks good then the
video has to be good Kevin let's talk

about you when you click on a video
what's the thumbnail look like what is

it say Kevin Kevin answer the question
you never say anything say something

real Kevin say anything real
what would you click on what do you look

at what is the video?
Uuuuhhhhh...

Katy Perry's
nipples!

would you click that video

I do I always do

and the ones that look like they prove aliens exist

we figured it out it was right here!

not on the board idiot

stop looking it's not on the board

are you gonna write something on the board

no I'm not gonna write something
on the board I already said the idea

they filmed it

but there's video ideas
otherwise what's the whole entire point

of having this why'd you-
now you're missing an eye

That's uh-

now you're missing your face

turn the
fucking cameras off

it is done

I want to click on it now

we're onto something Kevin do you feel it?

yeah I feel thirsty

I'm thirsty too Kevin

*Dramatic buzzsaw synth*

I'm thirsty for the nectar

nectar?

the youtube nectar

What are you talking about?

I never know what the fuck you're
talking about

I'm talking about keesh Kevin

Dinero! Mulan... money

Oh- dough!

exactly there are many types of

respectable nectars but none

so sweet

bountiful as YouTube nectar it is the
only nectar on the world that gives you

everything it's the only nectar that
that makes you into a better person a

smarter person think about it go all of
the other youtubers how beautiful it made

them Burnie Burns, PewDiePie ,Markiplier-
all touched by the nectar.

like DanMark!

no

Kevin

it doesn't work for everyone but it's going

to work us! for Lazergreg and Kevin-
Kevin you've got to get a new fucking name dude

but wait Greg, I have a name..

Kevin?! no that's your birth name Kevin okay you
got to get something new you have to

come up with a name that people can
respect look at Key & Peele, you think

Key & Peele are their real names? no! you
need a name like Peele

well I guess when you put it like that
it makes a bit more sense

now the nectar is sitting right in front of you it's got that name on it the nectar is not

for Kevin it's for the new you the
better you it'll come to you naturally

it'll flow into you Kevin

another one
*slurps*

Oh!

lucky number Kevin! that's what all the
chicks call me

Genius! you are a genius

let's make you a freakin YouTube channel
I've always wondered what it would be

like like what what I would want from
people once I became famous and it would

be create it would be crazy if people
just made fan art of me but in weird sex

fantasies can you imagine? you know what'd be funny? is me with Marge Simpson that'd be

hilarious or Elastigirl

oh boy I'm flirting with this one girl

for a while she's been flirting with me
she we we've been flirting with each

other it's a mutual thing the two of us
and I don't even really know how it

started she was one of the first people
who started watching my videos and then

we just took it from there and we're
just getting these very long very deep

conversations in the comments section
where we talk about everything the

content of the videos life politics love
and we just have this connection

[GREG'S MOM]
I was one of Greg's first subscribers you know? Greg cares a lot about his fans but I

think he sees me as his number one fan

I mean she's obsessed with me dude she's my only support her on patreon

you know I think if it as allowance I mean I

think Greg would appreciate it more
we're thinking that it's coming from a

fan than his mom please don't tell his
father

she wants me

so I realized that you
can't just title a video Mark Wahlberg

you'll never guess we killed exposed and
just make it a fallout playthrough

because people get mad they start
disliking it a lot I got a lot of

dislikes on that video and dislikes make
me sad

so I learned that if you're gonna title
video something you actually have to

talk about what's in the title of the
video who's like confirmed to be an

alien like celebrity wise there the
obvious ones David Bowie's definitely an

alien why else would he write those
songs he's hiding in plain sight

it's just the I think these things are
interesting to talk about and now

because of it I can still do what I love
I can still play video games and make

people happy and become more famous the
Malaysian airline flight right it just

disappeared and everyone just stopped
talking about it even though we never

found it we never found it and you know
what that means right

I mean you think about it you think of
all the places that the government doesn't

let you go like Indian reservations. what
are they trying to hide? they say that

it's just a place where Indians can live
in peace or whatever but they could be

doing anything brewing anything. but I'm
at a hundred five subscribers 105

subscribers now I'm gaining like 10
subscribers a week DanMark right now

he's at like 400 thousands so I'll pass
him at least a couple of weeks

[DANMARK]
HEY everybody!! DanMark here! got a story to tell ya

Holy POO is it a good day? once upon a time this morning in fact I was walking down the road my

neighbor it's like hey there mark what
up and I'm like oh and he's like he goes

he goes to me he he comes up to me and
he goes he goes huh DAMN Mark how did

you get nine hundred thousand followers
-nine hundred thousand YouTube followers

I was like no way he's like yeah way so
I ran home really fast looked at my

computer and he was not kidding this
this is huge nine hundred thousand it's

you guys who inspire me everyday
inspiration changes perspective

therefore changes yourself I reached nine
hundred thousand followers today and

everything that I do here just just
could've been done without each and

every nine hundred thousand of you
believing in me and

PISS ASS!!

time to spend however many minutes each
my videos are-

[CREW]
uh shit, I'm late..

Jim! you got the camera all.. set up

[DANMARK]
You need a cup of coffee or anything?
[JIM]
no, I'm alright

[CREW]
AAYYY! Jim!!

yeah I checked out Greg's channel
recently I think it's gotten a lot better

(falsetto)
I don't think it's the kind of
Content that I would really want to watch...

the Taliban are victims the Taliban-

uh- but he's he's got his own thing he's on

his own path and I can't fault him for
that you can't fault anybody for that for being themselves

anyone who practices magic is evil David Blaine I

went to a magic show once when I was a
kid and how did he get the coin behind

my ear if they can make a coin show up
behind my ear

I consider Greg Greg a friend I think
he's a friend I think he would I'd hope

you considered me the same and I want
all my friends to succeed you know I

believe that there is a genre for
everyone and a viewer for every creator

*aggressive key slam*

what is his game here?

he is always one
step ahead of me

so I need to be two steps ahead of me

and then I'll be one step ahead of him

what makes DanMark popular like what why do people like him

well I mean he's got a nice personality his videos are funny and well edited and

no

It's his jacket..

I didn't know that...

yeah it's his jacket... jacket

*typing on keyboard*

Tssssss, it's like $80...

Kevin how much money do you have?

Uh, like $12

how does he even afford that?

I mean he has like a million subscribers..

no no, he has nine hundred forty-eight thousand
three hundred ninety-six subscribers

well then how are you gonna get the
jacket because I mean I was thinking of

some video ideas so we could do and
maybe if I learn some editing we could

come out with content more often together
and I wanted to research us playing

a new game together and I
have a few ideas that I want to go and try-

Kevin! have an idea

I thought my idea was
pretty

I know where we could get that jacket...

*plunky synths*

Okay, here we are.

is this DanMark's house?

Oh yeah- put your ski mask on

I don't have a ski mask!

Why didn't you bring your mask?
Are we going to break into DanMark's house?!

No- Kevin it's not like we're doing anything

super illegal- we're just going in there and taking his jacket!

Greg, I don't feel comfortable doing that stealing is-stealing is wrong

Kevin all right listen don't don't bail
me now okay after everything I've done

for you okay just relax

Greg, you have never done anything for me I thought it

was cool cuz you were older than me
and had a car but you're always mean to

me and you never liked my ideas and I'm
starting to fail Spanish class now cuz

you keep pulling me out of my school

where's this coming from
why being such a baby would it work

Kevin you're the only one who could fit
my chimney just

it'll be fast, don't worry about it.

Greg no I just I can't do this

that's wrong I'm walking home

wait wait you can't go man, we're a team!
I'm done

We're Lazergreg, an- and LuckyNumberKevin!

No Greg.

Kevin!

You can never be done Kevin!

fine, more nectar for me!

see you on the stream on Friday!

I'm not coming back to the stream
Greg

*crisp door opening*

*Greg breathing*

I'm in..

if only these walls could talk...

to me...

about his secrets

he's wearing it

Thar she blows!

[JIM]
Greg!

What are you doing?

what do you mean what am I doing? You know what I'm doing

You're not actually doing this are you?

No-no, you're right. I wrote it down, had you film it, had you record it! Drove all the way here and broke into his house because I'm not gonna do it, really?

Oh my god...

you're not actually considering going through with this?

Greg!

Whaaat do you want?

You will go to jail!

I'm going to go to jail?

You will go to jail!

Who's going to arrest me, is it going to be you? What are you a cop now? Officer idiot!

let me work

[JIM]
Fuck me..

No! no, I can't do this

I can't do this anymore

I'm DONE! I'm fucking leaving

[CREW]
Get outta here

[CREW]
Just- Just leave the mic!

What is his deal?

Hmm..

I just didn't have the heart for it he
obviously cares so much about that

jacket sleeps in it so why would I even
take something that makes him so happy I gotta just get..

Danmark sleeps in his jacket

Danmark sleeps in his jacket
Danmark SLEEPS in his jacket

*Maniacal laughing*

oh my god DanMark sleeps in his jacket!

*More maniacal laughing*

all right guys get this I have some
serious dirt on DanMark- REAL DIRT and the

thing is DanMark and I we're we're
really good friends were like best

friends he lets me stay in his house all
the time we hang out all the time his

girlfriend super hot and she's super
nice to me specifically but I just felt

like I had to inform his audience of who
he really is...

I can't believe I am gonna say it! did you know that DanMark actually sleeps while wearing his jacket- like

what a freakin weirdo like he sleeps in his jacket! some of you guys are gonna be thinking like that

it's not that big a deal
Oh DanMark sleeps in his jacket oh who

cares it's like but that makes him a
freak and a psychopath and a crazy

person he he loves his image of who he
is like the DanMark personality like oh

who he's become the sellout that he is
now that he can't even take his jacket

off when he's sleeping

No I don't feel bad... I don't feel bad at all

we're rivals we're like all the famous
rivals we're like Tom and Jerry or FDR

and Hitler or John Lennon and the guy
who killed John Lennon

look at you guys

I see the way you look at me
every time I bring up Danmark you all

look at me the same way you look at me
like like you don't understand like how

could he hate Danmark how could anyone
hate Danmark you've all talked to him

you've all spent time with him you've
all interviewed him and you all think

he's so perfect and so great but you
never asked me you never asked me why

you want to know? You want to find out?

in high school I had this class and this

guy would sit next to me and he didn't "bully" me nobody ever bullies me but...

he gave me a hard time
he made it difficult every day he made

it hard and then one day before class
he's coming up to me and I know what

he's gonna do and I know what he's gonna
say and I know what's gonna happen but

then DanMark shows up- out of nowhere
completely forgot he was in the class

all I could focus was on this guy and he
just stares him down tells him to

leave me alone and the guy gets back up
in his face right here like they're

gonna fight but DanMark doesn't move
DanMark just stands there and tells them

to leave me alone and the guy gives up
then he sits down and he doesn't look at

me it doesn't say anything to me for the
rest of the year

and you know what happened after that
everyone starts patting Danmark on the

back saying how great of a guy he is how
he's a hero how he saved me and you know

where that left me?

I was just the kid that needed to be saved

well I didn't need his help! I didn't ask
him for his help, but that's all I was

the guy who he saved
and that's why I have to beat him if

that's why I'm chasing him that's why I
have to pass him cuz that's not all I'm

going to be and that's the whole reason
why he did it he didn't do it to help me

he did it to help himself so everyone
would congratulate him so he would be

the hero

it's too late now anyway it's not like I
can take the video down it's already

uploaded

[CREW]
You know you can take a video down?

can you?

yeah
I'm not gonna take it down
now, it's got a ton of views it's got a hundred like a day

[FROM VIDEO]
-it's not a big deal
DanMark sleeps in his jacket but no

that makes him a freak and a psychopath
and a crazy person he what I'm like I

love him so much he's like a brother to
me but he is a fucking freak what is

that even

*Theme Plays*

this is the greatest day of my life

welcome back griggers we're having
another comment comeback video first

comment is from beef jerky is my life
fuck DanMark, I always knew he was a

pussy. Here's the thing- you're not close
to DanMark one of his friends or his

best friends or in his family I am so I
can say from personal experience that

yes he is a gigantic pussy

"thank you for telling me, unsubscribed from Dan Marc because of this always knew there was something off about him"

well real Bigfoot there is
something off about him just not his

jacket- cuz he sleeps in it is! next comment
is from my boy my Griggga Nazi Dogg

"video was alright, kind of funny, miss Kevin
though hope to see him in the next one"

*Greg laughs like a crazy person*

Oh Nazi-D! nobody misses Kevin he's a
soul-sucking coward! Next comment is from

elite hacker 666 kill yourself you hack
you suck what you're doing is this dumb

drama crap reviews alright
I'm not gonna- read your novel just cuz I

owned your boyfriend on the internet
we're just gonna move on...

Most of them are kinda similar...

ok except we

have one from an original Lazergreg fan!-
puppyluvr