Uno strano tipo (1963) - full transcript

'A Strange Sort'

Amalfi is considered one of the
most enchanting places in Italy...

Inhabited by courteous
and hospitable people...

Amalfi, especially in winter...

...is a popular destination for
tourists looking for peace and quiet.

Fifteen days of rest with my Manuela.

And don't forget to send
her a telegram.

Relax...

Your girlfriend will love it here
in Amalfi, even if she is from Milan!

And you can put your feet up
for thirteen days.

Thirteen days!
Wasn't it fifteen?



No, you're singing in the hotel
nightclub tomorrow.

- Who says so?
- I do...

That performance will pay
all our expenses.

- Am I good to you?
- You're a fool, that's what you are.

- Don't treat me like that!
- I told you, no bookings...

I prefer to pay and rest.
How many times do I have to tell you?

Besides, I don't even know if
I'll like it here in Amalfi.

How can you say that?

How do I know?
I've never been here before.

You're a real son of Tarzan!
You're a cannibal!

Everyone admires the Italian coastline,
from the Tyrrhenian to the Mediterranean...

And you?
When I produced operas like 'Carmen'...

- That was real music!
- And the money I pay you is fake?

Get out of here!



I'm an opera impresario and I had to
debase myself to be your agent.

Bringing you here,
with all your rebels, to rest...

In the best place in the world,
the Amalfi coast.

Adriano, look what's
written there...

- They named a road after you.
- Via Celentano from Amalfi.

I didn't think I was that popular!

- But why from Amalfi?
- Perhaps you had some relatives here.

Yes, but he must have been
a real scoundrel, read that.

- 'The Duke is always right'.
- What duke? Below it!

'Death to Celentano'

What is that about?

Perhaps you sang here once
and you don't remember.

Why? Do you think people want
to kill me after I sing?

They don't say it,
but...

Finally, a gas pump.
I'm almost dry.

- What's wrong?
- Why did you stop?

I need gas.
I'm almost empty.

- Fill it up, please.
- Fill me up first!

- He meant fill up the car.
- No, fill up my pockets!

That thing can hold 80 litres.
Give me 80,000 Lira, then I'll fill it up.

80,000 lira?
Gas costs 100 lira per litre...

Times 80, what does that make?
8000 lira.

What about the 8000 you owe me?
He's forgotten...

When he didn't have it,
he'd say "Fill it up."...

Put it on my tab!
I'll pay next time!

You're mistaken, he's never
been to Amalfi before.

Then how come I know him?
He's Adriano Celentano.

Of course, my photo is in all
the newspapers...

I don't owe you a damned thing!

He's a nice guy!

Look, here's 10,000 Lira.
Are you going to fill it up or not?

No!

He doesn't want to.
You know what we'll do?

We'll report him to Caltex and
they'll close this pump.

Who? Me?
I'll kill you, you crook!

- Who?
- You!

Calm down.
We're all Italians.

We're all members of NATO.
Where were you born?

- In Cava dei Tirreni!
- You see!

Come on, Adriano.
Get in...

We'll try to find an attendant who
isn't out of his mind!

Let's go, guys.

You won't find another petrol
pump attendant as dumb as me!

- Idiot!
- Who are you calling an idiot?

You're the idiot!
You got that!

You call this a popular destination for
tourists looking for peace and quiet?

I always enjoyed myself here.

- Where did you enjoy yourself?
- We'll get a nice Neapolitan pizza...

- With mozzarella and anchovies.
- And tomatoes.

Already got em'!

Everyone stop.

Let's go.

- Why have you stopped again?
- I'm out of gas.

- Typical.
- Listen, find a gas station...

Get some gas and bring it here...

- We'll grab a coffee.
- For once he had a good idea.

Come on, guys.

Don't cause any trouble!

Good morning.
A coffee.

And me.
What are you drinking, guys?

Coffee... - Coffee.
- Me too.

- No, I'll have a Cinzano.
- Cinzano for him, coffee for the rest.

- Extra strong?
- Yes, extra strong, right guys?

- Very, for me.
- Very strong for him.

I'll make them so strong you
won't even see them.

- What a guy!
- And you know what?

- I won't make them at all.
- Great, then we're not drinking.

What a funny guy.

He doesn't have any of Adriano's records.

Ask him why?

- Is this true?
- Who is he?

It's our Celentano!
Our national treasure!

You hear that?

We've got Adriano Celentano here!

He looks better in real life
than on television.

- A short, flat, television.
- No, you're confusing him with a monkey.

He's a friend of the animals!

It's Adriano Celentano,
the one who sang '24,000 kisses'.

You're wrong, I'm the one
who sang '24,000 kicks'!

Occupied.

I said it's occupied!

Mickey went to get gas.
Giovanni's in the car...

Someone's missing!

Beppo's missing.

There...
He's always late!

- What did you do?
- I've never been here before!

Maybe you don't remember.

I've never been south of Naples!

At last!

What are you doing?
Get down!

- Don't damage the car!
- The guitar.

Mr. Celentano!
It's such an honour for our hotel...

- It's a pleasure to have you here.
- Finally, we found the right people.

The people of Amalfi are
pleasant and polite...

- They wear their hearts on their sleeves!
- And tomatoes on their face!

- Whose heart?
- Pardon?

Seems like here in Amalfi they want
to pull out my heart and eat it!

Seriously, lots of people.
A bar owner, a gas pump attendant...

- Even people on the street.
- Seems like they're all in on it.

- Do you have Milanese license plates?
- On all three cars!

That explains it!
Milan played Naples yesterday...

- And Naples lost!
- That must be it!

Fandom is a terrible illness.

- Porter.
- Yes, boss.

Take Mr. Celentano's luggage
to his room...

Then come back for the rest
of their luggage.

Hold on!
I'll take this one.

See how kind? That porter
obviously doesn't support Naples.

Did you hurt yourself?

- Is this the time to mop the floor?
- I didn't do it on purpose!

I'll talk to you later.

Forgive me.

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me, Mr. Celentano.

Please...

It's just the bathroom.
Come, I'll show you the way.

Please, come in.

This is your room.
Nice, isn't it?

This is the lounge.
Nice, isn't it?

Come, come...

See how marvellous...

All of Amalfi.
Check out the view.

Nice, isn't it?

That must be the porter.

Come in.

Come in.

It's the porter.

Here's your luggage.

Keep them!

- Porter!
- Calm down.

I'll fire him immediately.
He must support Naples.

- Him as well!
- I'll take care of everything!

These are the bells.
This one's for room service...

This one's for the porter.
Another one!

And this one's for laundry,
Okay?

Seeing as I couldn't get a coffee this
morning because they wanted to kill me...

I'd really like a coffee.

Please forget what happened, they
certainly won't kill you here...

I'll make sure of it.

Send room service.

That must be him.
He must have planned ahead.

Come in.

- You called, sir?
- I rang.

And now it's my turn...

- Sorry...
-That's enough!

I'm not staying in this hotel
a minute longer.

- I'm leaving.
- Please, you'll ruin me!

I was just transferred.
They'll fire me.

And they'll be doing the right thing.

These shirts are all dirty,
they need a good wash, a good ironing.

Leave them as they are,
I'll have them ironed in Milan.

You're really going back to Milan?

- You need to rest, here...
- You think I can rest in Amalfi?

Sure!
Look at the view.

No, I'm going back to Milan.

It's a good thing you didn't send
that telegram to Manuela.

- Actually, Adriano...
- What?

I sent the telegram to Manuela,
yes...

Speaking of which, I have a telegram.
I forgot...

It must be from her.

"I'm leaving tonight, with Daddy..."

"...for Amalfi!"
Look what you've done!

- Now I have to wait for her.
- No, Adriano...

You told me to send it to her!
Where are you going?

Where do you think?
I'm going somewhere quiet!

- I'm going for a walk along the beach.
- Wait, Adriano.

I'm not locking myself in my room to
defend myself from the hotel staff.

I'll deal with the staff...

I'll speak to the manager,
he'll change the personnel.

- I'll take care of everything.
- Everything?

Everything's fine.
It's all taken care of...

You know what you are?

A blockhead!

- Carmelina, what's wrong?
- Quiet, mother.

Holy cow!
What's going on?

You no good scoundrel!

How dare you come here after
what you've done?

- What have I done?
- Pasqualino, that's what!

Pasqualino?
Modugno sang that one!

Go, or I'll shoot you again!

- Carmelina says so!
- Who is Carmelina?

You don't know who I am now?

- Pasqualino doesn't exist!
- Enough of this Pasqualino...

- What do you want from me?
- I want you dead!

That scoundrel got away.

That rat pretended he didn't
know me...

He even put on a Milanese accent.

I can't believe he came here
looking for you.

I swear, this isn't the end of it...

This isn't the end of it.

If I don't defend your honour,
I'm not your father anymore.

Give me that!

Pasqualino must have a father.

He must.

'Adriano or death'

'Stay away from me'

What are you doing?
Have you gone mad?

Move aside!

Let him sign the contract.

All these broads!

What?
Adriano speaks Neapolitan?

- I thought he was from Milan?
- He is!

But he speaks all dialects,
and as he's good at it...

So he speaks the dialect of the
village he finds himself in.

Come here, I have to ask you something.

- Okay, lady...
- Call me Pat.

- Then where am I?
- I'm Pat... Patrizia.

It's an abbreviation!
Forgive me, I didn't realise.

Well, Pat, we don't want
to sound pushy...

But we agreed on an advance.

Do you spell 'Celentano'
with a 'C' or a 'G'?

Come on, girls.
Let him breathe.

Don't crowd him.
He can't handle it.

With a 'C' - as in 'Cretin'!

- Cretin!
- You don't have to write 'cretin'.

You have to write your surname,
with a 'C' - Celentano!

- Is he your son?
- My son?

I just raised him,
but I'm very close to the kid.

Leave it! I'll scratch you.
Just sign it.

- The money?
-The money, girls.

Let's see it.

Anyone else have to pay?

- The rest?
- Tomorrow evening.

- After the show.
- Okay.

Have it your way.
Have you finished?

We're leaving.

- What is all this?
- You're not leaving till you sign this!

Silence!
You can't just leave like that.

We want to be able to
say Celentano danced here!

He can't dance!

He'll lose his voice!

He won't be able to dance.

I told you, he's out of shape!

You can't leave like that.

- What are you doing to him?
- Stop!

What is all this?

It's the battle-cry of the Jaguars
from Salerno!

Good... Very good!
We salute the Jaguars of Salerno.

Our best to everyone.
Goodbye.

What are you doing?
Worm! Move it!

- Thank god we won't meet them again.
- Why?

Aren't we coming back
tomorrow evening?

Why would we do that?
Are you Celentano?

- No.
- Can you sing? Play the guitar?

The zoological garden in Salerno isn't
there anymore so you can't go back.

That beautiful broad,
she had these...

You need to give the broads a rest!

You caused enough trouble with the
broads in Casserta, Cagliari and Amalfi.

Caltanissetta?

Catania?
Caltagirone?

Where then?
Speak clearly!

- Carmela!
-I'm not taking you to see Carmela!

Why did you get mixed up with a girl
with so many bloodthirsty relatives?

- If we go to Amalfi, they'll kill us both!
- I want to see Carmela.

I won't let you see Carmela.

Gorilla!

I'll let you see Carmela
through a pair of binoculars.

Then let me drive.

You really are dumb.
You're not driving.

No Carmela, no car...

- Nothing!
-No broads...

I'm going to Amalfi.

Wait.
Where are you going?

Very well, I'll risk my life.
But we're not going to Amalfi.

You drive.

Mind the clutch...

And watch where you put your feet.

Let go of the brake and drive slowly.

The brakes!
Get it out of reverse.

We want to go forward.

- Mr. Adriano Celentano.
- He doesn't want to be disturbed.

He's had such a busy day.

I'm Adriano's girolfriend,
and this gentleman is my father.

In that case, Adriano's next door,
in our nightclub.

"I'll pray for you."

"Who has the night in your heart."

"And if you want to,
you'll believe."

"I know, because..."

"...you don't have faith."

"But if you want to,
you'll believe."

"You don't have to hate the sun
because you can't see it."

"But it's there, shining on us."

"On us."

"From the castle of silence..."

"He can see you too."

"And I already feel
that you'll see him too."

"He knows you'll see him..."

"Only through my eyes."

"And the world will be illuminated again."

"I love you, I love you,
I love you!"

"This is the first sign that shows..."

"Your faith in the Lord."

"In the Lord."

You really are from the stone-age...

Music nowadays,
it's an industry...

- A serious industry!
- There's only one serious industry...

That's dairy products,
and cold meat!

Look at that lunatic!

Swimming in this cold!

Cold meat!
That's a real industry...

That brings in real money!

Yes, butter and fake cheese!

My cheese is made from real milk,
my dear Manuela.

How can the critics call that last
song by Celentano 'sophisticated'?

Sophisticated in the sense that he wanted
to be more intelligent than the others.

"I love you, I love you,
I love you!"

"This is the first sign that shows..."

"Your faith in the Lord."

"In the Lord."

"Faith is the greatest gift
God has given us."

"To see him."

"And then you'll see..."

"You'll see..."

"You'll see..."

Celentano.

How are you?

- May I?
- If it was up to me, no...

But it's up to her.

Why are you always
surrounded by naked women?

What do you mean naked?
They're dancers.

You know I'm serious about you.

Don't be like that.
I'm going to get changed...

Then I'll come down and we'll
have a drink with dad.

No, you don't fool me...

One of these days you'll wind up in
trouble surrounded by all these women.

- Then you'll see!
- You know I'm innocent...

Innocent as a child.

How many times do I have
to tell you?

"Adriano, he's yours..."
Stay still!

"Take care of him.
I despise you and I hate you."

- Where's Adriano?
- He's getting changed.

We should get a nice shot of
Celentano with one of his dancers!

- Who is he?
- A journalist.

We'll do a nice article with my photo.

Mazzolani cheese!

- We can throw in a pastoral.
- Beethoven is always Beethoven!

- Is he from Milan?
- Daddy!

- This Beethoven!
- Don't talk nonsense!

You said pastoral?

Precisely, 'Pastorale' mozzarella
that doesn't hurt the stomach.

That's another Mazzolani product!

But my newspaper doesn't
care about mozzarella...

Unless there's a dead cat involved!

That isn't funny! We don't scrimp on
milk and butter in Mazzolani cheeses!

Look, we're here for Celentano!

- We'll see if he's ready.
- Excuse us.

Now we can see his latest delivery!

"Sleep a little, boy..."

"Or I'll smack you..."

- Who is it?
- Some journalists are looking for you.

- For an interview.
- Will you be much longer?

No, I'm almost ready.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

- I thought I heard a baby?
- Baby? I'm writing a song...

'Sleep Baby Twist'
You want to hear it?

"Sleep a little, boy..."

- "Or I'll smack you."
- What is that rubbish?

Are you there as well?
Come and help me.

I'll wait in the bar.

What is that baby doing here?

I have no idea what's going on...

- I found him here!
- Cute!

We'll ask around and if they don't know
anything we'll take him to the hospital.

Sure! With all those journalists out
there hungry for a scandal.

I can see the headlines now...

'Celentano - Father'
'But who's the mother?'

- 'The Singing Seducer'
- It's all publicity!

Just as we're starting to
appeal to families.

- Then what do we do?
-What do you do?

Stay here with the baby.
I'm going out...

I'll try to get rid of Manuela,
her father, and the journalists.

And you find a way to get
rid of the baby.

- I refuse!
- You refuse?

I can't murder an infant!

I don't want to wind up in jail.

Listen, since you brought me to Amalfi,
you got me into a sea of trouble...

And you're going to get me out of it.
So, take the baby...

To some church steps,
a convent, wherever you like.

Let's wait until midnight.

Wait until midnight...
Just get rid of him.

- I'll take him to your room.
- Don't you dare!

- What if he cries?
- If he cries... Deal with him!

Get the Rebels to help you.

Just remember...

I don't want anyone knowing he's here!

Adriano, he sings like you.

A photo of you toasting
your happiness.

No, I won't stand for it,
I saw you looking at her.

Then we'll take one of your
father looking at you benevolently.

You're not photographing me.

You think a singer is more
important than an industrialist!

I get the impression you're not
a great admirer of Celentano.

What do you think?

Hear that?
"No comment!"

- Must be Latin!
- It's English, Daddy.

Precisely, the English don't
understand a damned thing either!

He's not signing anything!

- Why?
- Because it's lunch time...

And we're having lunch in my room,
so they won't disturb us any more.

I need to go up to my room,
I'll meet you there.

- You're so strange today?
- It's nothing.

I'll see you there.

What is it?

A signature, please.

See? He knows I'm Sir Mazzolani, from the
cheese company, and he wants my autograph!

It's the bill, Daddy.

Yes? Then it's better if your
Celentano signs it...

He dishes out autographs
like nobody's business!

- Why is he crying?
- We can't make him stop.

- Can't you see he's hungry?
- I gave him a sandwich.

He ate a sandwich?

The blanket's covered in mayonnaise!

You can't give him a sandwich,
he needs something else.

I have some chocolate.
I'll get it!

You little angel.

He doesn't want it!
He isn't hungry.

It means he's already eaten.
What he needs is a cigar!

- He's crying because he's thirsty.
- Wait!

Are you crazy?
You want to give him whiskey?

- Then he'll sleep.
- Works for me!

Grab the Thermos, fill it up with warm
milk at the bar, and bring it here.

They'll hear him.

- I have an idea! The drums!
- You want to put him inside them?

Get the drums.

We'll play so the others
won't hear him.

"Listen here, little baby..."

"Even if mum isn't here..."

"Try not to cry any more."

"My father-in-law's on the next floor."

"Listen here, little baby..."

"If you don't close your eyes..."

"And someone hears you..."

"You'll get me in trouble."

What is that racket?

What you call a racket is music.

It reminds me of the music the
pasteurising machines make!

- Adriano's rehearsing.
- Listen, I'm going next door...

Daddy!
Don't make a bad impression.

- Just tell him to come down and eat.
- You bet I'll tell him...

- Quiet!
- Must be Tango with the milk.

Ask before opening.

- Who is it?
- Sir Mazzolani.

- It's Mazzolani!
- The baby!

Put him in the bathroom.

Come in.

What was that infernal racket?

No, I was saying,
we were rehearsing.

You rehearse as well?

Yes, we were rehearsing
a difficult song...

A nursery rhyme, like the Twist.

- It's something...
- Something hard to listen to!

You've given me a headache!

- What is this?
- The blanket's covered in chocolate.

- It's the truth.
- You eat in bed now?

- Is that what artists do?
- Why not?

Is there a bathroom where I can
wash my hands, at least?

Sorry, me first.
I really need to go!

- Is this the way to treat a guest?
- But he doesn't feel well.

Allow me to introduce my
friend, Underpants.

- A pleasure...
- That's Christmas and Easter.

Happy Easter.

- Finally, my friend Don Backy.
- A pleasure.

Now you've stopped playing,
my headache has gone.

- Can't you rehearse in your room?
- But my room's much closer to yours.

I hope they're not treating
you better than me!

- I don't think so.
- What do you mean?

- Who said so?
- You did.

I told them to give you the
best room in the hotel.

- Yes?
- Come and see.

It's locked.

Well?

- Who is it?
- It's me, with Sir Mazollani.

Behave!

- Weren't you in his bathroom?
- I'm looking for some paper.

Paper!

Don't you have any toilet paper?

Business papers.
A contract...

I never have time so I write
wherever I find myself.

You're someone who...
While you...

Do you have a bathroom?

- Let me wash my hands!
- No!

Me first!

- What's up with him?
- I told you, he's ill...

- He must've eaten some adulterated food.
- What are you getting at?

With all these food scams
people talk about today.

We know, we know!
Hurry, Manuela's waiting...

Although I don't understand
her impatience.

- Everything okay?
- Perfect, thank you.

Nice song, I really like it.
How is the baby?

Baby?
What baby?

The one from the Twist.
'Sleeping Baby Twist', right?

It will never be a hit,
it'll probably be a wash-out!

I'll take this one up.

I'm just going to wash my hands.

Don't wait for me, start eating.

Who is it?

You again!
What do you want?

- I need to speak to Adrian.
- Adrian?

Yes, Adriano.
I call him Adrian.

What do you want?

I want to tell you that
everything's okay, he's gone.

- What's okay?
- A contract...

An eight month contract!

Our lodger has disappeared.

You finally did something
right for once.

Again.
Come in!

- What do you want?
- I forgot the towels for the bathroom...

Have some patience,
the maid will fix everything.

I can't wait for the maid to
tidy the bathroom!

I'm going to wash my hands.

No... Me first.

Me first.

What's wrong with him?

- Do you really want to know?
- Yes, what is it?

- What wrong with him?
- No, you have to tell me!

He has irritable bowls,
that's what he has!

There's nothing I can do.

I told you.
You wanted to drive.

Idiot!

I don't have the tools here...

I'll have to work all night to have
it ready by tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?
We can't stay in Amalfi.

Why?
Are the police looking for you?

Police!
Everyone's looking for us!

- Can't we stay at your place?
- There's no one at my place.

- Precisely, then you have room!
- I know you...

- That's why I'm asking.
- I know all about you!

- I'm going to eat.
- Where are you going?

I'll give you a slap...

- Go and see the monks. (Cappuccini)
- Monks?

What are we going to do
with the monks?

- You can dip your brioche in them, idiot.
- No, the hooded monks...

There's a guest house there,
like in all convents...

Try there.

You've given me an idea!

Wait a minute...

I don't know if I can do this.

We all know you're good at it.

If you say so.

A toast to the happy couple, among
the violets, roses, and lilies...

And may they have lots of children!

Thanks for your kind words.
You couldn't have said it better...

- I'd like to a have baby immediately.
- No! What would everyone say?

Cheat!
You have a son, you lied to me!

They've already finished.
Looks like the bride was in a hurry!

Look, the flowers!

They're so beautiful.

It's a shame to throw them away.

You know what we'll do,
we'll take them to Celentano.

That really was magnificent.

Now, if you'll let us, Father,
we'll smoke half a cigar.

Thank you, Father.
Thanks for your hospitality...

And for the wonderful meal.

Don't mention it,
it's nothing special.

They do alright here!

Why didn't you go down to Amalfi?

We're fleeing the world
and its bombs.

Especially funeral bombs.

- What did he say?
- What can you do?

He's scared of road accidents,
we had one recently and it shook him up.

- Memento Mori.
- Amen.

He hasn't got all day.
He wanted to say Amen.

We mustn't forget that we all
have to die sometime.

Especially him!

Funny!

He's a religious one, Father.

He's been obsessed with death
since we arrived in Amalfi.

- Our death!
- The cemetery is over there.

No...

I meant to say, the guests'
quarters are through there.

If you're tired from travelling or
you want to rest after the accident...

You can go in and relax a little.

A little nap after a meal
is good for you...

Sounds good to me.
May I?

- Are you coming with me?
- No.

Do what you want.
Allow me, Father.

Thanks for everything.
See you round.

Son, is something troubling you?

- What is it? A woman?
- Yes, a woman.

- From your village?
- No, from Amalfi.

I left her and...

She's in trouble!

- Why don't you go to her?
- If I do, he'll shoo...

- He'll shoot me!
- I understand.

But if you go to her to make amends,
or with good intentions...

That won't happen.
Marry her!

How can I marry her?
I don't have any mo...

Money?
I understand...

What do you do?

- Blind beggar?
- No, I do Celentano.

- Is this a new profession?
- No, I'm the only one...

- ...who can do it?
- Who can do it!

But tell me, if it's a job few
people can do...

Then it must pay well,
and you must be in demand...

Are you in demand?

Everyone's looking for me!

Then you can marry her.
Go to her!

- I'll run...
- Yes, run to her!

The Lord is with you,
and good luck!

All done, you won't see him again.

- Who?
- The baby.

- Where did you leave him?
- Don't worry...

He's disappeared.
Vanished, like a puff of smoke.

Like Radames sings in 'Il Ballo in Maschera'.

Who's that?

Excuse me.

From all the ladies in the hotel.
Congratulations!

Thank you.
Very kind.

Who was it?

Nothing, two girls,
they brought some flowers.

No more talk of babies, okay?

- Who was that?
- It wasn't me.

It's coming from over there.

Move the flowers.

The boy!
Him again!

Imbecile!

Imbecile!
You said he had vanished.

That's no baby,
it's a dwarf...

A dwarf pretending to be a baby,
and he's making fun of us.

- Who is it?
- Sir Mazollani and his daughter.

Holy cow!
Sir Mazollani.

- Hold on.
- What?

Get in the bathroom!

I spent all morning in the bathroom.

Then go to my room.

Come in.

Weren't we meant to see the
monuments in Amalfi?

That's right!
We can go now if you like?

- What lovely flowers.
- They're from...

- A female admirer?
-Yes.

Always surrounded by women!
What am I doing here?

Hold on!
It was actually a male admirer.

- You also have male admirers?
- Yes...

But men of my age,
who like my kind of music.

And they send flowers?

They send flowers.

Well they're very nice,
it's a shame to waste them.

You need a vase,
perhaps in the bedroom...

Not in the bedroom!
Let's go.

- Why not?
- Because it's a mess...

- And...
- I hope it's not a female admirer!

- I swear, it's not a female admirer.
- Who, then?

- Who's in there?
- Where?

- You have to tell me.
- Right, I have to say... Not you.

- It's Giovanni.
- What is Giovanni doing in your bedroom?

- I don't believe you.
- It's probably Giovanna!

Yes, I'm here.

- Will you open the door?
- I can't, I'm naked!

You saw he wasn't feeling
well this morning...

It makes sense that now
he has a fever, and...

...he has irritable bowels,
so he's naked.

Could be.

Could be.

But let's go and see these
monuments in Amalfi...

The monks' convent, for example.
It's very interesting.

- Because of the monks?
- No, the cloisters!

Father, were you talking to
my friend earlier?

- Yes.
- Where did he go?

- He went to make amends.
- What for?

The car won't be ready until tomorrow.

No, not to repair the car,
but to repair a bad deed.

He's gone to his girlfriend.
He wants to marry her.

- Marry her!
- Yes.

He wants to ruin me!

Let me go, Father.
Let me go!

He'll ruin me!

But it's you who is stopping
him from doing the right thing...

- So he can save his soul.
- Soul?

You think you're saving his soul...

I have to think about saving
two bodies, Father... Mine and his!

I hope you get there too late!

In fact, he will get there too late...

Divine providence prevented
them from meeting.

- Wasn't I right?
- Yes, it's very beautiful.

Good boy, you did well to come to me.

- Were you waiting for me?
- Eagerly!

You see, Daddy, they also like
him here in the convent.

- Are you the bride-to-be?
- I haven't given my consent yet!

- You must be his father.
-His father? You must be joking!

- I'm her father.
- Forgive me...

But you shouldn't be upset
with this poor boy...

In fact you should be grateful,
his intentions are pure...

- He wants to make amends.
- Make amends?

Come on.

- Make amends for the damage he did to her.
- What damage did I do to her?

Come on, there's no need
to be ashamed...

- If you want to marry her.
- What?

What did you do to my daughter?
You've dishonoured my name!

- The name of Mazzolani cheese!
- What Mazzolani cheese?

I've never seen this monk
before in my life!

You're not going to take back
what you said earlier?

What did I say?

It's pointless denying it,
We were both to blame.

- Blame?
- Forgive me, daddy...

- Forgive him, too.
- What do you mean forgive me?

We've never been alone together.
Not one moment!

Last summer, in Varaze,
don't you remember?

It was late and you came in
through the balcony...

I opened the window and
there you were...

So brutal and aggressive...
How could I say no?

It's true!
How could she say no?

- Are you out of your mind?
- Listen, Celentano...

You're a scoundrel,
and I've always known it...

But now,
given the situation...

I cannot stop this marriage!

In fact, I insist on it!

And if you're not married within
fifteen days...

Just you wait and see!

That's great, I'll have the
pleasure of marrying you.

Now excuse me,
I must get back to the choir...

I'll pray for you, my children.
Congratulations!

Listen, why did you say
all those things?

- I just went along with you.
- With me?

- That was a great idea of yours.
- I'm so happy about what you've done.

What I've done?

Are you still playing your game,
or have you finished?

Look, I haven't done anything.

But I'm happy about what
the monk said...

It was the only way to persuade daddy.

- Where are you going?
- I changed my mind...

I shouldn't have listened to you,
I can't live without Pasqualino...

- I'm going to get him.
- He'll be better off with his father.

No, he won't be better off
without a mother.

He's heartless,
you saw what he did to me...

He doesn't care about his son.

So he gets to wash his hands
of you and Pasqualino.

He can do what he wants.

I don't care about that monster.

That scoundrel!

- But you still love him.
- Me?

You know what I'll do to
him if I see him?

I'll poke out his eyes!

How dare you come here!
What do you want from me?

I came here to marry you.

- What?
- Yes, I want to marry...

Bless the Virgin Mary!
He wants to marry you!

Then you've repented...

And Pasqualino will have a father.
My Pasqualino!

- Who is this Pasqualino?
- He's your son.

See, I was right to take him there.

You were right!
So, do you like Pasqualino?

- But I've never seen Pasqualino.
- Didn't you see him in your room?

- Didn't you put him in his room?
- Yes, and I stayed to watch...

They took him to his room,
to Celentano's room!

But I...

- I'm not Celentano!
- Then who are you?

Peppino Patella.

Then you're a crook passing
yourself off as Celentano.

A crook...
A scoundrel, that's what you are!

But I got myself together now,
and I want to marry you.

You put the boy in Celentano's
room and he doesn't know anything.

Let's go, Adriano.

- Patella Peppino.
- Patella Peppino...

As long as you love me.
Let's go!

- Where are you going?
- Who are you?

- He's my business partner.
- You scoundrel!

Calm down.

I heard everything, we need
to go and get the baby.

- Right! I'm going to get him.
- No you're not, you're going home...

Dressed like that,
they'd notice you immediately!

- I'll go, don't you trust me?
- No!

That's fine, but you
still have to go home...

If you don't want to cause a scandal,
and have us all end up in prison.

This what we'll do...

We'll take advantage of him
singing in the nightclub...

We'll go into his changing room and
while he's singing we'll grab Pasqualino.

- Are you sure he's singing tonight?
- His posters are all over Amalfi.

'Celentano singing just for you tonight'

Give me a drag.

- Coca-Cola.
- Pat, take care of the Coca-Cola.

Put it here, sunshine.
Out of the way, you.

What's wrong?
Haven't you heard of Celentano?

Sure I have, I'm going to see
him tonight in Amalfi, in the hotel.

What are you talking about?
Celentano's singing here tonight.

Then someone messed up.

Stop everything, we're going on
an educational tour of Amalfi.

- Who are we going to educate?
- Adriano Celentano.

We'll teach him not to mess
with the Jaguars!

Let's go!

- Listen, Manager...
- Don't shout!

Does this guy ever stop?
Where's Celentano?

- Daddy, he's always the last one.
- She's right...

- He's still in his room.
- Yes, I understand...

- Okay, I understand!
- He always relaxes before he sings.

"Little baby,
if you don't close your eyes..."

"Mazzolani will come here,
and we'll all be in trouble."

He's asleep.

Great.

I couldn't take it anymore.

Let's go, they started half an hour ago.
Let's hope he doesn't wake up.

Why should he wake up?
He ate four meals.

No, he ate two,
the other two he threw at me!

That reminds me, I need to
get cleaned up...

- You go downstairs.
- Just hurry.

Quiet, don't make any noise...

- Damn it, the club is packed.
- There he is.

Forgive me, Adriano.
My love.

Get in the car.

Hurry up!

What are you doing?
Where are you taking him?

Wait!
Stop!

- You see?
- They've taken him away...

But what will...

...happen to him?
Nothing's going to happen to him....

- This is perfect.
- Why?

Because now the real
Celentano has disappeared....

You can walk around the hotel without
any risk of meeting him and get the baby.

Come here, your hair's a mess.

Mr. Celentano isn't in his
changing room.

He must be in his room.

The fourth floor,
take the elevator...

It's room 115 or 116,
I don't remember.

Go in, get the baby, and come here.
I'll wait here.

Mr. Celentano, they're waiting
for you, you have to sing.

I'm sorry, Celentano can't sing,
he's lost his voice.

What do you mean?
Who are you?

His doctor, and if I say he can't
sing then he can't sing.

But he's been singing all day.

No, he was just vocalising,
he wasn't singing.

Then he went out, caught a cold,
and lost his voice.

Isn't that right?

He can't talk,
how can he sing?

- Then I'm ruined.
- Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Listen, I gave the entire clan
free lodging for this show...

And a million. (lira)
A million!

A million?
Did you say a million?

- In cash?
- Well, if you want it in cash...

Sing something.

He'll sing.
He said he'll sing!

He said he'll sing but he
wants the money up front.

- He didn't say a word.
- I'm his doctor, I speak for him.

I don't want him to lose his voice.
I'm his doctor, his administrator...

I do everything for him...

And if I say he'll sing,
don't worry, he'll sing.

- He will?
- Sure.

You'll let him sing!

You're a lifesaver.
I'll go and get the money.

- I'll come with you.
- There's no need, I'll bring it to you.

- Don't you trust me?
- Do we trust him?

Yes, sir, we trust you.

- I trust you, anyway, he doesn't count.
- Thank you.

- Get the money.
- Thank you so much!

How many times do I have
to tell you?

- Let's get Pasqualino.
- Are you crazy?

Didn't you see the manager
going to get the money?

Now where is Celentano's
changing room?

This must be it.
Go put on your make-up.

How many times do I have
to tell you?

Slap on some greasepaint!

Okay, we'll find him.

Where are you putting it?

First, we'll get the money,
then we'll take care of the rest.

I know what you want!
I'll take care of it.

I had an idea,
I'll make you sing with this...

With this record...
Get your hands off!

You'll sing along to it.

The record spins round and you'll
move your mouth like this.

Leave it to me.

Your money.

If you don't mind, I'll give it to you
after he sings at least three times.

That isn't what we agreed.

- You have to guarantee his voice.
- But it came back!

- What if he loses it again?
- I'm telling you, he's fine...

He's been gurgling by the
fountain for half an hour.

You keep him gurgling.

It would be better if you paid us now.

It's very simple!
After the third song.

After the third song!

You hear that?

You hear that?

What did he say?

He said you have to sing, idiot!
So you have to sing!

How can I sing if I don't
know the songs?

I found a way around that.

Just get out there and sing.

What are you saying now?
Speak clearly, what are you saying?

San Gennaro...

You're wasting your breath,
San Gennaro doesn't understand you.

Get out there.

What are you doing now?
What are you doing?

I'm being Celentano.

Go and sing.
I'll take care of it.

Just for you,
Adriano Celentano....

Singing, 'Love me and kiss me'.

Finally, that Celentano has arrived.

You were great.

You were magnificent.

Now go next door,
and stay put.

What if Adriano...

Celentano!

Don't worry, he's not coming,
the girls will make sure of that.

Quick, quick.
The crowd's getting angry!

- Are you going to sing?
- Stay away from me.

Great! Sing 'Stay Away From Me'.

Stay away from me or you'll burn me.
-Are you going to sing or not?

How can I?
I have to get back to Amalfi.

You're not leaving until you sing.

Yes, maybe...

It's better if I sing.

Thanks, you were great...
But I won't be back!

- I've finished, goodbye.
- Where are you going?

Where?
I'm going to Amalfi.

It says here you have to
sing five songs.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

- Then I'm off.
- Are you kidding?

Do I look like I'm kidding?
I wouldn't sing if you killed me!

- That's an idea!
- Don't fool around.

Everyone, stop.

In the name of the law,
I'm a police officer...

That's a tram pass!

Precisely!
All police officers have a tram pass...

And one for the cinema!
And the theatre!

You're coming with me.

- He signed a contract, he can't.
- We'll discuss that at the station!

- No!
- I'm guilty, I swear!

- Let him finish singing at least.
- I know how that's going to end...

In disaster!
And I'll be assisting in the crime.

And you'll all be arrested for complicity!

Who do you think you are?

Come on, kid.

- But I can't...
- You can't sing.

Don't worry,
I'll play the record.

Don't question me!
How many times do I have to tell you?

Back again just for you,
Adriano Celentano.

Let's try this one.

That Celentano sounds about
as sophisticated as an egg!

Please, gentlemen!

Gentlemen, please!
Silence, please!

What are you going to sing?

You need to ask Cannarulo...

Evidently, Adriano Celentano
wants to surprise us...

So he won't tell us the name of
the song he's going to sing...

But I'm sure you'll all
recognise it straight away!

Does he always sing the same song?

- It's nice, isn't it?
- But once is enough!

- Why is he singing it again?
-I don't know, perhaps it's his new single.

Stop doing that!

I said stop it!

You call that sophisticated?
It's only my first glass!

You don't know anything!
It's a great song!

Calm down.
Don't be like that.

To make amends,
I'm going to sing a new song.

Mr. Celentano, is this the
right way to behave?

You'd better have
an explanation for this!

I don't know what's going
on here, either!

You tricked me because
I wouldn't pay you in advance.

- What?
- This...

I told you I wouldn't pay you unless
you sang at least three times...

But you sang the same song
three times!

And you even sang it with
a woman's voice!

But I only sang one song!
And it was a new one!

- Hold on a second!
- That song only exists as a demo.

- A demo?
- Yes, it's here somewhere.

- Where is it?
- What?

The record, it's disappeared!

I found this next door,
it was connected to the PA system.

- How do you explain that?
- You lost your voice so you played a record...

I won't stand for this...
Mr. Celentano, you're a fraud!

I lost my voice?
That's what you think...

I'll show you if I've lost my voice...

And you can expect a lawsuit
when I'm done!

Hide under the table!

Wait a minute...

Why are you shouting like that?

I'm going to sing,
and if I make another mistake...

Then you're welcome to kill each other!

Adriano, can you believe that?

There wasn't one person who
wasn't clapping...

This will teach you!
Pervert!

What's going on?
I'm getting slapped as well!

Have you gone crazy?

How dare you sneak into the
girls' changing room!

I'm going to complain!

This place isn't a hotel,
it's an asylum!

What?

I figured it out!
There are two Celentano's here!

Yes!

You might be right.
Then he's the boy's father?

You know what I'm going to do,
I'm going to my room...

- He might be there.
- No, I locked the door.

No, take care of the show.
I'm going to check my room...

I'll see you later.

I want to celebrate with him as well!

- Where is he?
- In his room.

- We need some champagne.
- Manager...

Celentano sneaked into the dressing
room to watch my girls undressing.

I told you to leave him!
I never liked that Celentano.

I'm going to find out what's
keeping them.

Be careful, Carmelina.

This one's open.

- But it's not his room!
- It doesn't matter...

Go in, climb over the balcony, and go
through the window into Celentano's room.

I'll wait downstairs.
Got it?

- No.
- When do you ever understand?

Go in, anyway...

Over the balcony,
through the window...

...into Celentano's room.

- And you?
- I'm splitting.

Why?

Because I don't give a damn about
you, Pasqualino, or Celentano!

Come in.

Come in.

Marina.

My love.

My love!
Finally, darling.

What have you done to me, Gastone?

Me, a respectable lady, in the same room
as a playboy with a terrible reputation!

But the most important thing is
no one saw you enter.

The hotel's practically empty.
They're all in the nightclub...

Listening to that Celentano.

My love!

- I brought you a token of our love!
- Where is it?

Right!
Where is it?

What a fool.
It's in the wardrobe.

What are you doing there?

This had better be good!
What are you doing in there?

That was Celentano!

Enough of that Celentano,
he's no good for you!

Daddy, I want to talk him.

You'll do no such thing!
Understood?

In fact, just to be sure,
I'm going to keep an eye on you!

Pack your suitcase.
We're leaving tonight!

You heard what I said!

I'll show that Celentano!

What are you doing here?
How did you get in?

You came here to see Manuela.

Daddy, what happened?

That Celentano was hiding
under my bed.

He must have hidden when
he heard what you said.

Perhaps he wants something from me?

I get the impression he
wanted something from me!

- What do you mean?
- You heard me!

Finish packing.
We're leaving immediately.

This isn't the English Hotel Excelsior...

They should call it
Hotel Sodom and Gomorrah!

- Marina!
- No, Gastone...

I'm going to my room,
I'm too upset...

I've waited so long for this...

It's the first time we've been
alone together!

- You're terrible!
- Yes, I'm terrible...

- What does he have against us?
- It must be you!

- Why me?
- Because he comes in every time you...

Gastone, you worry me!

I brought your soap.

Excuse me!

That's why you never came back!
That's what you've been up to!

I remember, you're the lunatic
who shot at me.

I'm the crazy one?
If you stopped thinking about other women...

It's about time you came to
collect your boy...

He's in my room.

Here's your boy...
Take him and disappear!

Is that so? You found another
woman and you've forgotten about me!

You've got it wrong.
I am Adriano Celentano!

Adriano Celentano is singing
in a nightclub right now...

So there's no use pretending!
I know exactly who you are...

But I don't care about you...

I'm taking my son away,
and I'll teach him to hate his father!

- Manuela.
- You have a son!

And I thought you were an angel.

Carmela.

It's no use running after me.

This is too much.
You'll never see me again.

Why are you running away?

It's all your fault.

I've lost her forever!

- Have you lost something?
- Yes, Marina!

But this doesn't end here!

You're used to hassling people!

That's what I was talking about!
He's bothering men as well!

- And he's bothering me, too.
- You're a liar!

- It wasn't my fault.
- Then why are you so late?

- Because he made me...
- Take Celentano's place, I get it.

...on the second floor.

Let's go!

- Let's escape...
- Yes, but where?

The elevator!

- You don't believe me?
- That there are two Celentanos? No!

- I'm telling you it's true!
- Hold on, that would make sense.

I wouldn't believe you even
if I saw him now!

- So there are two them!
- Two Celentanos!

- Then Adriano was right!
- Of course I was...

So it's you who caused
all this trouble...

I should have you arrested.

No, don't send him to jail!
I know he's a scoundrel, but don't ruin us!

- He promised to marry me.
- What's going on?

What's going on?

Take a look at us and you
should be able to figure it out.

Finally, the two Celentanos!

Yes, but from now on there's
only going to be one Celentano!

And do you know why?

Because you're going to call the police.

- What?
- Adriano, look at them, have a heart.

After what he's done?

Okay, like nothing happened.

- Thanks, Celen...
- Excellency!

- I swear I won't...
- He won't do it again.

What were you thinking?

It's all Cannarulo's fault.
He should be in prison.

- Cannarulo is a fraudster.
-It's true, he's a fraudster...

I'd beat him to hell!

Quiet, Pasqualino's sleeping.

You can take him to my room,
a little longer won't hurt.

Thank you.

I wouldn't be so kind...

- That impostor should be punished.
- A telegram for you.

For me!
Must be my lawyer.

'You've been accused of making
cheese out of fish oil...'

'Return to Milan immediately to
prepare your defence'

My lawyer...

These fraudsters must be punished...

But the law should be lenient sometimes.

I must leave for Milan immediately...

Did you hear what he said?
It's all Cannarulo's fault...

Cannarulo is a fraudster...

He should be in prison!
I'd beat him to...

Yes!

I'll show you!

I'd say we're even!
Now catch me if you can!

You brought me here to rest!

And I wanted to go to Capri.

You know what?
I'm going to Capri!

Finally, I found you,
you cheat!

You never came back...

But I wouldn't rest until I found you.

This is Pasqualino,
and the other one is Pasqualina...

They're yours and you can keep them.
Perhaps you'll learn this time!

- What is this?
- I've never been to Capri before!

'But Peppino has!'

May 2011 - Feb 2012