Underground Aces (1981) - full transcript

The escapades of a crew of zany parking lot attendants.

Thank you. You're car
will be right up.

[CHATTERING ON RADIO]

What the hell
happened to my car?

Try V16, Brown Cornich.

All right, Rita.
You lovely Rita...

Wait a second. Where
you going? Come on,
I need your help.

Where we going?

We're going
to take a ride in
a brown Cornich.

You watch out for
my paint job, huh?
You bet.

You sure he knows
what he's doing?

Tico always knows
what he's doing.



Hey, hey, where
you going?

That's good, man,
real good.

Uh, no, no, no, no,
sir, we have got
hotel rules here.

You know a guy
named Ollie?

Not if he owes
you some money.

Oh, no, no, he
promised me a job.

Hey, man,
the guy can't
afford promises,

he's not the boss.

The guy you have
to see is Joe.

Uh, where's he?
Down below.

Is that a sample
of your work?

Is your name Joe?

No, but he hates
a smart-ass as
much as I do.

Hey, that's good,
real good.



Listen, uh, where's
down below?

Civilians aren't allowed.

Is Ollie here today?

MAN: Miss Lucy!

Tico, brown Cornich, please.

Come on, you know
better than that!

No employees
allowed on
the main drag.

Do not park
it on the D Level.

Hey, come on.
I know what goes
on down there.

You're an employee
just like the rest of us.

Hey, excuse me, uh,

what's your angle, brother?

Are you suggesting
that we are related?

Well, yeah, I mean, uh...

Ollie!
Captain Wonderbread!

Hey.
How you doing?

What's happening?

Listen, uh, can I still
get a job here?

Were you kicked
out of school, too?

Nah, dropped out.

Hey, Dee Jay!

Hey, what's happening?
Pete Huffman.

Hey, what's going on, man?

He tried to unionize
lab animals...

Or was it the
dean's daughters?

Who could tell
the difference?

Listen, Miss Lucy,

I ain't kidding and I ain't
standing here homesteading,
I want my car!

Ollie, will you
get the ticket on
the orange Edsel?

That's fine.

Hi.

Hello, down there. Joe...

Tell him I used to
chauffeur part time.

You can't tell him
anything when he's got
his head up some engine.

Look at you shine.
Now that's the kind
of car I deserve.

They're both
available...
For a price.

How you doing today?

How you doing, sugar?

That's what
I call technique.

That's why we're engaged.

Hi...

Wonderbread,
follow this,
if you can.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[BEEPING]

Whoo!

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Over here, come on,
I said step on it.

Hey, Wally,
where's Joe?

In the bunker.

LUCY ON INTERCOM:
Hey, Wally, Tico's down there
with Rita, have you seen him?

Not on B!

[EXCLAIMING]

[BEEPING]

What the hell are
you trying to do?

What are you waiting for,
the light to change?

[SHOUTING]

You and me, right?

[BARKING]

Give me a 9/16 and a rag.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Who's that?

Oh, no!

Sorry about that.

Who the hell are you?

Hi, you must be Joe?

Lucy told me
I should talk
to you.

Hey, Joe. Did you
see him drive?

Yeah.

Pete Huffman.

What'd you mean,
yeah? He's good.

He could leave
rubber on your face.

Hey, Ollie.
I'm trying
to get a job...

I've got enough
clowns down here.

Oh, wow.

What's the matter, Joe? Huh?

You afraid of a little,
uh, competition?

Is this your idea of a ride?

Rita, you loved
it and you know it.

Just get that
parking crew
in shape.

Don't worry about it.

How do you do, sir?
I'm Herbert Penlitter,
the manager.

This is our head
of security, Mr. Kruger.

They lost my car.

Lost? Oh, I hardly think so.

Well, they can't find it.

Well, it may
be on Level D.

Well, they've been looking
for it all day long.

Sometimes,
it takes a long time.
Hold it! Hold it!

Would you give me
a description of
the car, please?

It's a Cornich...
Cornich. French car.

Well, at last,
Miss Birdie,
come on.

Another case
solved, Kruger.

It's about time, boy.

Uncle Fausto!

Hey, that's my car!

Tico! Tico!

Tico? Tico?
Tico!

Hey, Tico. How about
those new tires?
Mine are bald.

Tomorrow. I'll fix
you up tomorrow.

Tico!

Here's your chariot...

I've been waiting 20
minutes and it took me
only five to buy it!

Hey, dummy.

Appropriate
action will
be taken, sir.

It's the last time I'll stay
in this chicken motel.

Don't you worry, sir,
Mr. Penlitter has
it all on tape.

Pick up dry cleaning.
Renew auto insurance.

Balls!

Hope you enjoy your stay...

[EXCLAIMING]

Oh, what's the matter?
Oh, my God.

Hey, guess what, boss?

Some guy offered
1,400 for it as is.

I'm telling you, man,
we should go for it.

There's a lot of
money in parts.

Hey, we're gonna
make seven grand
for it restored.

Come on.

What's he want now?

Hey, listen, come on,
will you? I've seen hundreds,

hundreds, that's right,
hundreds of you dummies
come and go in this place

and you're
all alike.
All of you.

Am I keeping you awake?

You're too young
for your own good.

What is he,
a guidance
counselor?

Just humor him,
it's okay.

I'm gonna read a list of the
things you people have done.

Figures.

Somebody plucked the
feathers off the Eagles'
grocery store mascot.

OLLIE: Now I suppose
you're gonna drag out

that old one about the girl
being attacked on Level D?

No, that wasn't
a girl, that was a
female cop.

No, no, it was the
senator's daughter.

Uh-uh, no, I knew
the girl personally.

It's me, all right?

So go on. Send me up
to the big house.

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

Everybody!

[GROANS]

[FLY BUZZING]

[SQUELCHING]

What the hell is that?

The hotel was built
on a swamp, Kruger.

[FLY BUZZING]

I wanna say one more thing.
It would be terrific

to get rid of all you
by Friday's payroll.

Got me?

JOE: Was that a slow burn?

[PEOPLE BARKING
AND CATCALLING]

JOE: All right, all right.
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, now give the
commandant a chance
to cool down, all right?

Now, you're all
on good behavior.

[ALL GROANING]
Until lunch.

Oh, all right.
Come on, Ziggy.

Let's put that
baby back together.

ZIG: Oh, God, what's that?

[BOTH GROANING]

Damn!

[FLY BUZZING]

TICO ON INTERCOM:
Hey, Joe? You down there?
You seen Lucy, man?

I'm running this show
by myself, man. The cars
are backed up and stuff

and people want their cars
and I ain't got nothing
to do with it, man. I'm...

We've got 10 minutes.

Let's, uh...

What?

Pull the plug
on the world.

[CARS RACING ON RADIO]

It's Le Mans.

Great!

Joe, don't you get
tired of just listening?
[TURNS ON MUSIC ON RADIO]

Don't you want
to see something?

I told you, we'd
get there someday.

Well, when is someday?

Are we gonna go
through this again?

Yeah.

I'm tired of
just seeing a travel
sticker on a suitcase.

Well, I like it here.

Luce.

We can have nooners
down here and nobody
bothers us.

This is paradise!

Not for me.

I gotta get out on my own.

And do what?

What do you mean,
and do what? Travel.

Try something new.
See the world.

Fine.

Then move in with me.

Oh, Joe. You didn't
understand a word I said.

Sure I did.

We're not together.

[SWITCHES MUSIC TO CAR RACING]

[LUCY CLEARS THROAT]

Don't take Kruger to heart.
He probably thinks...

Nobody asked you.

What'd you got
against me?

Come on...
No, no, really.

What makes you assume that
I'm even thinking about you?

Ego, I guess.

Okay, now I want you girls
to read these contracts

very, very carefully.

I want you to sign where
I made the X here and then
to initial the changes, okay?

Now, what we're doing,
I'm incorporating you

so that you will qualify
for your own personal
private pension plan

later on in life, okay?

We're getting all of our
money out of the stock market.

Good, I'm bearish.
And I'm bullish.

And I'm a little, little
chicken, so we're getting
out of the market,

going into REITs, IRAs,

maybe some Chinese porcelains
and very heavily into Norman
Rockwell collective plates.

Oh, good, I need
some dishes.

It sounds so official
and legal, too.

Oh, yes,
definitely legal.

So you run along. You read
those in your spare time,
now. Spare time only, okay?

Thanks very much. Bye-bye.

[WHIRRING]

[IMITATING MOTOR]

How about some coffee?

[BARKING]

You're welcome.

[MAKES WHIRRING SOUND]

I'll get you one.

[BARKING]

LUCY ON INTERCOM:
Ollie, red Trans-Am.
Got it.

[NATE EXCLAIMING]

Nate!

[SCREAMING]

Good day, madam, and welcome
to the Beverly Plaza...

[STAMMERING]

Hi, guys. How're you doing?

Would you please
get my bag?

Tico. Tico,
check it out.

You're tall.
So, get a ladder.

Say, man, is it true that
she has a tattoo on her...

Not only that, it's
highly visible.

You seen it?

Oh, we'll never
see it. We'll have
to go on faith.

Oh, my God, Nate.

[HOWLING]

What a way to go.

Come on.

Guys, Nate's in trouble.
Hold all the traffic.

[BARKING]

[SCREAMING]

TICO: Wait a minute,
brother. Just hold on.

[WHOOPS]

TICO: You're going
the wrong way, Nate.

[SQUEALS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PETE: You all right, Nate?

[ALL CLAMORING]

Don't move him,
don't move him.
You breathing?

[GASPING COMICALLY]

[ALL GROANING]

Did you see it?

JOE: See what?

Her ass.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my.
Yeah, yeah!

That's love,
that's true love.

And how would
you know?

You never took out
a girl more than
once in a row.

That's right, Tico. You
wouldn't know true love if
it bit you on your enchilada.

PETE: Sure he would, right?

You got the wobbly knees.

Oh, yeah.

And an achy chest
with the violins?Yeah...

As a matter of fact,
my nose is numb.

Ah, well, that's
the clincher.

That's not love,
you're underwear's
too tight.

Good day, ladies, and
welcome to the Beverly Plaza.

Annie, Annie, picture.

Come along, girl.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Tico... Tico!

Miss. Miss.
Yes?

Hello.
Hello.

I've got weak knees.
I've got a pounding heart,

my nose is numb.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, either it's something
he ate or puberty.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

How are you?
I'm fine,
how are you?

Okay. Well, I'm really
not okay, see, because

my fingertips are
tingling and, uh...

God, you're terrific.

Well, um, look, I don't
have time for fun,
I'm in a wedding.

You don't have
to tell the whole
world, Madeline.

What's wrong
with your friend?

Oh, well, she's
getting cold feet.
Uh-huh...

The groom's a doink.

Family friend, you know?

Madeline, huh?
Madeline.

What's your name?

BOTH: Tico.

Madeline, will you please?

Look, I gotta go.
Uh...

Yeah?

Can I see you later?

How?

I can't.

I'll see you again. I will.

Thanks anyway, really.
Nice to have met you.

Bye.

Step aside. I want
to talk to my friend.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

Hey, Sheik. I know
the feeling.

It's terrific, isn't it?

Really terrific!

It's magic.

Check your nose.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

I beg your pardon.

TICO: I said, it's love.

Love? Who said love?

Is that right?

Oh, absolutely.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

Now look, if we want
to get to these girls,
we have to act as a team.

I have business
to conduct.

That's exactly what
I'm talking about,
getting down to business.

Now, these two aren't
ordinary girls.

This could be the
real thing, Your Highness.

Exactly. It is the real thing.

Now, when's something like
this going to happen again,

you tell me,
your shiekness?

Perhaps never.

Exactly, so give these
guys their pink slips
and let's get on with it.

Tico'll get you
through the rough spots.

No, really.
It's impossible.

Impossible?

This is America, my man,

we don't know the meaning
of the word impossible.

[MEN APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

I love ladies' luncheons.

They pick at the
lettuce and leave
the good stuff.

They're closet eaters.

There goes
the main course.

[BARKING]

LUCY ON INTERCOM:
Hey, Joe, mayday.
How's the antique coming?

Uh, manning a few
minor repairs.

The owner's here and he
said he wants it now

or he'll press grand
theft auto charges...

It's not grand theft
auto, he can come down
and see it, it's all here.

You better get it up here.

You got it!

He's waiting right
at my elbow.

Well, tell him tomorrow.

Tell him, uh, 10 minutes.

Ten minutes?
You're crazy.

Hey, Zig. He says we can't
put it together in 10 minutes.

And he's willing to bet
a week's pay on it.

I am?

Sure you are.

You're on.

Ready.

Set. Go!

[ALL CHEERING]

Hope you make
big tips this week.

Nice suit you
got there, man.

Hey, Lucy, I'll
be right back.

GUARD: Herbert Penlitter.
Hello, how do you do?

Noff, FBI.

[CLATTERING]

[WHISTLING]

Not a bad place
to work, huh?

Yeah, after one week's work,
I'm a week in debt, but, uh...

See, you don't
have any faith.

Faith? I got faith.

Ta-da! Huh?

All the comforts of home.

And I suppose this
comes with the job?

[DOOR OPENING]

Lucy, what are
you doing here?

Doesn't, uh, Joe's
shower work anymore?

I wouldn't know.

Uh, you mean, you and...
Joe and I are history.

Ah.

Ancient?
Very definitely.

Hey, guys?

The unclaimed.
Which one is me?

The Midwestern Bowlers
or the Billy Graham rally?

The Billy Graham.
The Bowlers.

Thank you both,
ever so much.

Make a wild guess.

You're available
tonight, right?

I don't believe
you're hitting on me.

Oh, nothing violent,

just dinner.

I have an army
physical tonight.

[CHUCKLES] Sure.Really.

Well, if you've got
a head and two legs,
they'll make you an officer.

Well, I have my
pick of assignments.

Bavarian Alps,

gay Paris,

or romantic Roma.

What's your rush?

[CLATTERING]

Whose car is that?

Don't ask.

Oh, I'm a very
curious fellow.

If you last the week,
I'll take you up
on your dinner.

Nah.

Hands off the donuts.
They're a day away
from the gravel pits.

Take the toast instead.

All right, thank you.
Thanks for the warning.

Good morning.

[SIGHS IN SATISFACTION]

So how'd it go at the army?

The recruiting sergeant
made a pass at me.

Yeah, well, what'd you
expect from a red-blooded
American soldier?

The sergeant was a whack.

[GROANS]
Hey, Tico!

[QUESTIONING IN SPANISH]

Hey, Tico, got any
lonely cars today?

No.

Hey, Tico, you just
passed up Juanita.

Right.

I think we should
send this into Guinness.

What, are you sick, Tico?

It's numb.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he's ear
lobes are hot.

Not only that,
everything's hot and
I can't get to her.

"Love travels a reckless
path on an uncharted sea,

"strewn with the flotsam and
jetsam of broken hearts."

English Lit 101.

Thought I was
sleeping, didn't you?
[DEE JAY CHUCKLING]

Tico, did you offer
to take her for a ride?

Oh, nothing like that, uh...

This one's special.

Well, nobody said
love was easy, Tico.

You see
something
you want,

you just have to, uh,
reach out and get it.

Well, it ain't that
easy, see? 'Cause
there's things in my way.

PETE: Like what?

Like a wedding.Oh...

She's getting married?

Oh, no, the sheik's girl is.

My girl just doesn't
have time for me.

Oh, then maybe
he can help.

Who?
BOTH: The sheik.

Oh, no.

I already tried that. No.

Have you tried celibacy?

How about meditation?

Cold showers.
That is good.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute, you think
this is funny?

I mean, Tico is having his
first honest emotional
reaction to a woman

and you think it's funny?

LUCY: Why don't
you help him?

Yeah, that's just
what I was thinking.

Come on.

Oh, God...

Guys, I gotta
get out of here.

I'm so loose,
my hair is relaxed.

He ain't coming.

I know he ain't coming.

I'm telling you,
he takes one of
these every day.

Hey, just tell me something.

Is this one of the
agonies of wealth?

I'm gonna die.

I know I'm gonna die.
You're not gonna die.

So, uh, I'm getting
us into retirement bonds.

Double-edged interest
accounts for bulls and bears.

Gold looks good.

Hello, Tico.

What?

Excuse my impertinence but
I read your name on your tag.

Yesterday...

I am Sheik Amani.

Oh! Hiya, Sheik. I'm Huff.

The fellow with the
melted Mai Tai there,
that's the Hulk.

PETE: Do you this every day?

Yes, I do.
Figures.

What figures?

PETE: Uh, what Tico
means, is you're losing
all your juice in here, Sheik.

No wonder you're
letting the woman of
your dreams slip away.

Well, I do admit that
I was captivated by the
sad beauty of the young lady.

But are you willing
to chase after her?
That is the question.

TICO: They want us as
much as we want them.

But are you sure of that?

Take it from him,
he's a professional.

It is written.

Where?

Let's go for it.

Bernie?
He got axed.

You mean beheaded?

Oh, no, no, canned.

Packaged?
Fired.

Burned?
86'd?

Will you guys knock it off?

No, no, it's just...
TICO: Come one, Huff,
we gotta get out of here.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
please, now I said
I would go along

with disguising myself as
a parking person, but we
still need a Sheik Amani.

PETE: Ollie's a natural actor.
Left college to become a star.

Speaks three languages. Right?

It's true. Ghetto English,

Restaurant French
and Carwash Spanish.

I don't look
like the sheik.

Well, true, but, uh,
how do you feel?

Do you feel like the sheik?

Arrogant, proud,

tyrannical, obsessed...

Uh, remember what
it did for Valentino.

You must only fool Faoud.

Faoud?
Faoud?

Faoud?

Yes.

He is the most loyal
and persistent of all
my bodyguards.

The others will
do as I say.

But what happens
when he looks at me?

It is forbidden for
Faoud to look upon
my countenance.

However, if the role
is too big for you...

Sheik, there are no big roles,

there are only small actors.

First thing you gotta do
is lay on the old charm.

Give her a nice big smile.

Tell her how
fine she looks.

Let her know
that you care.

Then what you do,
is you... You
take her hand,

give it a squeeze.

If she squeezes back,
you're on your way.

If she takes your hand
and starts rubbing your
palm with her finger,

you are in like Flynn.

Yes. Well, Tico, don't you
think this a bit rash?

I mean, we only just met.

Is everybody so
negative where
you come from?

Well, it's a bit
different where
I come from.

You see, in my country
my father rode into my
mother's house

on a spirited horse
and stole her away
from her betrothed.

You don't say.

Yes. There was
a bloody battle.

Her brothers against
my father's brothers.

Two deaths.
One uncle
lost his leg.

There she is.

Come on.

[TISKING]

Bad luck for the groom to see
the bride before the wedding.

It's cool. Neither
of us is the groom.

Now look, don't say
anything to the girls

about the horses or your
father or your dead uncles
until after we score, okay?

Well, hello again.

Hello.

Do you have to stay
with your friend?

Not really.
Hi.

No?
Hi.

No. Why don't you show
me around the hotel?

Come on.

Now let's see this.

Oh, it's perfect,
my dear. Just beautiful.

Hmm...

I never realized till
now how many handsome men
there are in this hotel.

[PETE WHISTLING]

Ah.

How To Be A Stewardess.

Do they give physical
examinations for
stewardess school?

No, you have to be
talented to be a stewardess.
Oh.

You have to be able
to do this six hours a day.

Why are you so
down on yourself?

Work your routines
on Tico, not me.

Now look, you're the one
that told me to help him.

So now he's on the
road to ecstasy.

Who's your next target?

Don't look at
me, I'm booked.

What about Ollie?

Ollie has a very
important business meeting.

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

We'll need a few
days to clear this up.

I told you we
couldn't fool him.

Where's Murphy?

He's on his lunch break.

I've only got an hour.

Huff?
Yeah...

Can I help?

I uh... I need a woman.

Well, join the club.

What about Lucy?
Forget it.

Oh, no, no,
I mean, a real woman.

Oh...

You see, uh, whenever
I'm about to close
a big sale, I, uh...

I get itchy.

What business you in?

Crock pots.

There's another 10 spot
in it if you help me.

No skinny models, either.

I need somebody
I can hold onto.

Okay, okay, what's
going on here? What...

Give him his car, will you?

He doesn't want a car
Mr. Kruger, he wants...

Whatever he wants

get it for him!

We're going to have
to start providing some

good old-fashioned
personalized service
around here from now on.

Huh!

What do I do?

Find a lady who
needs a crock pot.

Lily, have you seen Murphy?

Not lately.
[STAMMERS] Listen...

Are you free for an hour?
Uh-huh.

Well, this is awfully
sudden, honey. How
did you know that...

Yeah, well. It's not for me.

Ah, then I'm all booked up.

[SIGHS]

OLLIE: Huff!

Sahib...

[LAUGHING] Get me out of here.

Not now,
I'm on
assignment.

Get my car, boy.

I am the sheik.

Take a camel.

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[TALKING MORE GIBBERISH]

Mitzi, Mitzi, what's...
What's going on?

Uh, the sheik wants his car.

It's beneath him
to talk to a worker.

You should've known that.

[GIBBERISH CONTINUES]

Hey, you!

Me?

You! Get the sheik's
car immediately!

Yeah.

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

Warn Sheik about getting
too much California sun.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HUFF: Where am I gonna find
a girl for this clown?

[LAUGHS] A blue-eyed pimp.

Things are changing
much too fast for me.

Does he know anything?

Faoud is cool.

Well, where do we start?

Hell, where do you
usually look for girls?

Well, I've always had
my best luck in libraries.

OLLIE: Libraries?
Yeah.

Well, it's so quiet and
you can get real close
to whisper into a girl's ear.

And, uh, you can just blow
a little in between words.

Well, another one of my
favorite places is the beach.
Huff.

At the beach...
Huff.

You said the guy's only
got an hour, right?
Yeah.

Turn right.

Huff... Hoo, hoo, hoo.

[EXCLAIMING]

I'm buying some threads
like this for my own.

These girls can't
help themselves.
[GIRLS WHISTLING AND HOOTING]

[GROANING]

Look at this.
I see. I see.

Hello.

Hi.

Oh. [CLEARING THROAT]

We need one of
you for an hour.

Oh, yeah, well, um,
we work together.

Will he take a pair?
I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

You're supposed to figure
these things out beforehand.

Ollie, this isn't
a lifetime calling.

Sorry, dear.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

WOMAN 1: Fuck you,
rag head faggot!

WOMAN 2: Yeah, go
play with your camel.

PIMP: Oh, sure thing,
man, we got them all
styles and sizes.

Tweezer, come on out, baby.

Now, Tweezer, here,
you can see...

This girl, color film was
made for this girl right here.

And Inger.

[CHUCKLES] Well,
what can I say?

We're talking 3D.
You know what I mean?

And for you guys, who've
got an ego to match the
size of your tripod...

Big Sydney.

Well, we need one to go.

[CHUCKLES] Now, wait
just a minute, man,
this ain't McDonald's.

You know what I mean?
It's for a friend.

Yeah, I've heard that before.
I've heard it all before.
I get reruns in my sleep.

Now, you boys, you just
want to get down with
one of these girls?

Hell, just pull out a clicker
and shoot from the hip.

You know...

Sir, I don't think you
quite understand. You see,
she's for someone else.

Boy, you rich bastards think
you can buy any damn thing
you want, don't you?

Uh, wait a minute, man.

My name is Ollie
and I work over
at the Beverly Plaza...

Yeah, I ain't prejudiced, now.

You know what I hate, though,
is people who make me wait.

You see, and I'm waiting every
goddamn day at that gas pump.

I had to sell my Cadillac.

I had to sell it.

Do you realize what it's like
for a man in my line business
to make a living out of this?

I'm hurting, baby,
I'm hurting.

I can't move my girls.

So my girls are hurting.

When my girls are hurting,
America's hurting.

We're spending so damn much
money at your gas pump,

we ain't got nothing
left to get down with.

What are you talking about?
I just came down here
for a girl and...

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well,
you know what I say to that?

You know what America
says to that?

No gas, no ass.

What?

No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

Mitzi.

Why don't you just put
out for Kruger and get
him off our back?

[LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF]
I beg your pardon.

You're frustrating him.
He's really crazy about you.

Of course he is,
but I don't mix
business with pleasure.

Don't worry, with Kruger,
it wouldn't be pleasure.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Good afternoon.
[WHISTLING]

I've been watching you
for some time and

you bring a much needed
sense of professionalism
to this hotel.

I was trained in New York.
And it shows.

I know.

KRUGER: Mmm-hmm.

Would you

assist me in a

spot inventory check?

Of course.

[PHONE RINGING]
Pick a room.

[WHISTLING]
Ah, room, uh,

128.

Um, someone just
moved into that room.

No one's registered.

Remember the newlyweds
from the circus, the ones
with the skin disease?

[PHONE RINGING]
I moved them to
the second floor.

[SIGHING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Ten minutes.

Huff, we have to move.
Kruger's checking out
our room.

When?
Now.

Sheik.
Faoud.

Room service.
ZIG: What's up?

Kruger's coming.
We're moving.

[ALL BUSTLING]

Are...

[SKREIKING]

Ziggy, what are you doing?
Hey, what's up?

We're being raided.

Jesus, Zig. There's nearly
a whole engine in here.

Yeah. I was fixing it.
For a friend.

Are we...

Changing...

Still kind of scruffy.

Are we changing rooms?

Whoa.

Sheik likes to supervise
his own laundry.

Towels must only be worn
in the swimming pool area.

In the future,
additional laundry
charges will be made for

kaftans, head squares
and burnooses.

Allow me.

[MELODIC] Ah.

Tico, let's do it right.

[KRUGER MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Oh... Come here!
Come here! Come here!

Tico...
Get them!

[GROWLING]

Uncle Fausto!

You're so excitable.

That's what you
love about me.

[PROTESTING]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hit it. Hit it.

FAUSTO: You're gonna
get it Tico. [LAUGHING]

Kruger!
What?

You've got some
nice legs there.
Yeah? Thanks.

[BARKING]

Probe Kruger's past
for possible illness.

Where we going?

I know a place.
Where we can talk?

Ah, you bet.
Okay.

[CAR BREAKING DOWN]

[BURSTING]

[MAN CLAMORING]

Oh, Jesus!

Madeline.

The doink, huh?

In the flesh.
Sure.

Hi.
Hi. [GIGGLES]

Where's Anne?
What are you doing?

Oh nothing.
Well, come on,
let's go get her.

I'm not giving up.
Neither am I.

Okay.
Okay. [LAUGHS]

I'm here for my wedding.

Now, I don't want anyone
messing up my car with whipped
cream, signs or tin cans.

Bernie.

Bernie, you're up.

Oh. How do you do?

Aren't you the one
who dented my fender
the last time I was here?

No. No, it couldn't be me.
This is the first day
I've ever worked.

Very well.

Send a dozen roses
to my fiancee,
Anne Wenders.

Excuse me.

How would you like
me to sign the card?

The card?

Yes, you know,
the sentiment.

Something appropriate,
but not too vernacular.

You wouldn't have gone
to Harvard, would you?

Of course.

Predictable.

What a squid!

I suppose I must
send the flowers?

Well, why don't you
send them in person?

All right, now I warn you,
I'm not all that familiar
with American cars.

Really?

The long one makes it go.
The big one stops it,
turn the key, let her rip.

All right.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[REVVING ENGINE IN NEUTRAL]

It's still in park.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Minor adjustment, I'm sorry.

Shall we?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Uh, watch the sign,
watch the sign.
Watch the sign.

Good shot.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PETE: Look out!

PETE: The brake,
the brake, the brake!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[SCREAMING]

PETE: No!

[WHOOPING]

Do you think I did
well for my first time?

You mean, you've
never driven before?

I've always had a chauffeur.

Chauffeur?

[SIGHS]

Hello.

Hello.

These flowers are for you.

Oh, they're beautiful.
They're much too expensive.

[STAMMERING]
You should read the card.

"With sympathy, Russell?"

He said to get
something appropriate.

He didn't even sign it.

I had to see you again.

I can't believe Russell
sent me a sympathy card.

No, I selected the card.

You send sympathy?

Yes.

Perhaps a bit more.
You see, there is going
to be a celebration tonight...

One of the Aces is
eloping tomorrow.

That's wonderful.

Well, it promises
to be a rather unique
evening, actually.

They call it Blitz Night.

I was wondering if you'd
care to join me... Us?

The night before my wedding.

[SOFTLY] I couldn't possibly
go away with you.

No, it's impossible.

People are depending on me.
I've picked out my wallpaper

and my towels and
sheets match...

Yes, but...

I... I couldn't possibly
disappoint everyone.

Do not disappoint yourself.

Good-bye.

I don't know,
suddenly everything
just seems so final.

Why? You've known
him all your life.

Well, this was all
my parents' idea.

This is a merger,
not a marriage.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

More flowers?
[SIGHING] It must be Russell.

Huh. Wait a minute.

It's them.

You are under my spell.

You cannot resist
the weaving serpent's eye.

The heavy lid of slumber...
What are you maniacs doing?

Ladies, we are here
to escort you to Blitz Night.

Come on, Annie, let's go.

I can't.

Russell said he'd stop
by for a nightcap.

Tell him you have a headache.
Get him to practice.

What if his
father finds out?

He wants a virgin
for his son.

Well, this is your last
night to disappoint him.

Madeline, it's impossible.

[SIGHS]

You've had your fun.
Now please leave.

We could see them later.
No. Never again.

Shall we?

[SHRIEKING] Bernie, what are
you doing? Put me down.

This is ridiculous.

Let's go.
Tico, do it for real.

Okay.
Let me down, you moron.

Not too real.
Oh.

You've got style.

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Charge!

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

[MAID EXCLAIMING]

What're you guys doing?
Parking laundry.

TICO: Don't bother me,
I'm under cover, kid.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Runaway cart!

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

DEE JAY:
Welcome to Blitz Night.

Yes. Blitz Night,
a time for fun,

revelry and the great
American game of auto soccer.

Welcome to Level D.

That's what I call
an entrance.

Um...

I endangered you. I'm sorry.

Bernie, ask her
if she loves you.

I couldn't.

Bernie, this is America.

Do you?

Yes.

[CROWD CHEERING]

You said you were gonna
take me for a ride.
Get in.

Oh, my gosh...

A little romance. A little
embracement here. I'm getting
excited. I can't take it.

Will you calm down there,
buddy? Thank you.

DEE JAY: Okay, folks,
let's get those bets in
for the final match

between the challenger,
Huff, and the champion, Joe.

[ENGINE REVVING]

And I don't believe
it's about to happen.

The odds are changing
in favor of Joe.

PETE: Hey, no faith?

You'll see.

DEE JAY: And here's
the champion, Joe, and
I don't have to explain why.

You can see it
right before
your very eyes.

Joe, in a shiny Corvette.

Looks very calm.
He's ready for battle.

Once again, the object of
the game is to drive the ball
into the opponent's goal.

Okay, you both know the rules.

Any last words?

Yeah. I dedicate
this match to you.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Joe?

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

DEE JAY: Ladies and gentlemen,
if you look out there
on the playing field,

here comes our
very special guest,

Sheik Amani.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Why would he
want to see this?

I mean, he could have
anything in the whole world.

Well, that's not quite true.

DEE JAY: Gentlemen,
start your engines.

[ENGINES REVVING]

As they say
in my country,
let her rip.

DEE JAY:
And here we go, folks.

Joe and Huff, both going
towards the ball.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Looks like Huff gains
possession of the ball,
to his advantage.

Joe's pissed off, my gosh.
These guys are really doing
something amazing.

They go around the pole
while Joe does a 180.
Huff slaps the bar.

Joe and Huff both
closing on the ball.

Joe spins out, my God.

Joe's trying to maneuver
to prevent a possible score.

Oh, no...

He scores!

Oh.

Wait a second,
folks, let me see,
I think that...

They're okay. They're okay.

[PEOPLE CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DEE JAY: Score is a big one
and Joe, a big zero.

Right now we're gonna cut
to a quick commercial.

[BEAT BOXING]

You know, when I get down and
out and I wanna beat somebody,

I just grab myself a nice
cold bottle of Breau Brew.

Baby, reach out into the
refrigerator and bring me

a nice cold bottle
of Breau Brew.

Uh-huh.[CLICKS TONGUE]

[IMITATING POURING BEER]]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Breau Brew. Brewed from
Hudson River water.

[GRUNTING]

I just love it,

you know? So why don't
you just drive on down...

[IMITATING CAR DRIVING]]

...to your supermarket.

You know, get a can.

[TAPPING WITH MOUTH]

[GIRL GIGGLES]

Yeah.

We should get the police
and smoke them out.

We'll do it.

I'm with you.
Open the hatch!

Let's go, man.

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Go, Huff!

Oh, a car accident!
Are they all right?

Hey, Joe, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, Zig.

You sure, man?

Sheik!

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

So how long will
it take you to put
this one back together?

Get out of here.

That's it. That's it.

Got you.

Got you. Got you. Got you.

[GROWLING]

KRUGER: You people,
you really did it tonight.

[STAMMERING] Well, you
really showed your...

Your truly degenerate colors.

Lowest.

I know about the
whole thing. All of it.
I got names, right, men?

Right.

Right.

There'll be no
more excuses, oh, no.
Oh, not this time!

Dummies!
I don't believe it!

I don't believe
that the lewd and
immoral behavior...

Hey, we were just dancing.

Gee, you don't think
we'd work in a place
like this, do you?

Shut up.

I'm insulted!

[SCREAMS] You damaged
private property.

Hey, Kruger.
We used our
own cars.

Mr. Kruger.

[GAGGING]
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[KRUGER CLEARING THROAT]

KRUGER: Nobody can
save you this time.

[KRUGER LAUGHS
AND CLEARS THROAT]

SHEIK: Excuse me.
Oh, watch him try
to save his job.

But I believe that your
anger is misplaced.

You see, the true blame for
this evening's occurrence
should fall upon my shoulders.

Well, you are fired.

[PEOPLE VOICE DISPLEASURE]

[GROANING]

I am Sheik Amani.

KRUGER: Huh?

KRUGER: Oh, no.

Thank you, Ollie.

You see, I will do whatever
is necessary to see that
my friends, all of them,

will retain their jobs.

[ALL CHEERING]

No way.

We can't be bought.

Uh, we can't?

At least, not cheaply.

With considerable
fringe benefits,
of course.

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[SIGHING]

Let's go, men.

I'm sorry you learned
the truth this way.

This was just
a game to you.
No.

Well, I hurt a lot of
people for your game.

You have a right
to be angry.

You lied to me.

But not with my heart.

Where's everyone going?

Hey, Huff, who won?

Nobody.

Huff, you're up.

Uh, Dee Jay,
can you help me out?

Sure, for a dollar
and a quarter.

Yeah, put it on the tab.
Uh-huh.

Didn't you have your
fill of games last night?

Well, I guess
I got a little
carried away.

When you play around
with people's lives,
they can get hurt.

Hey, Tico.

PETE: Sheik!

Hi, hi, listen,

I've been doing some
calculating and I think
I've figured a way

to get us all out
of this mess.

Really, Huff,

I appreciate the sincerity
of your efforts...

Hey, wait a second.
Do you want another
shot with Anne?

I mean, what do
you got to lose?

You've devised
another plan,
have you?

Sometimes the old
ways are the best ways.

After you.

What a guy!

Sheik.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Noff. Be right up.

Hey Zig, brown Mercedes.
Mr. Noff from the FBI.

What do I do? What
do I do? What do I
do? What do I do?

What do I do?

Get his car, you idiot!

Right.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Joe, Joe, Joe. Listen,

I blew it. I was
stripping this guy's car.

What guy? What car?
Elliot Ness.

LUCY ON INTERCOM:
Joe, have you seen Ziggy?

I can't find him.

Joe, the car's in parts.
Totally in parts.

The whole thing?

The whole thing.

Joe, this government
guy wants his car now.

You know, I always wanted
to do something like this.

Something for my country.

Come on.

I want them over there.
I must see what this
looks like.

Put them back a little bit.

No, that's wrong.

You.

Over there.

You. Yes, you over there.
Straight back, go on.

Keep... That's it,
keep going.

Little bit to the right.
That's it, now straight back.
Keep going. Keep going.

[BARKING]

All right.

Nice.

[GRUNTING]
What is this?

I poured all the
used drinks into
one bucket.

Oh... [CHOKES]

Well, you must have
solved Zig's problem.

Well, he's gonna be a great
grease monkey. He just had
some growing up to do.

A lot.

Joe, thanks.

For what?

You're a terrific
guy, you know.

I'm not the guy for you.

He is.

That's a real sneaky way
to get back at him.

[LAUGHS]

I'm greasy.

So?

All right, gang,
one down, one to go.
Let's get out of here.

They have some kind of
eloping party planned.

All right, all right.

Right here.

Aha!

[EXHALES]

Aha.

[KRUGER GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

[GROANS]

[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]

[ORGAN PLAYING
HERE COMES THE BRIDE]

[GRUNTING] Let me in here.

Mr. Penlittle.
[SHUSHING]

Mr. Penlittle,
that FBI guy's car,
it's sitting in a room.

All cars must be
kept in the garage.

[FIRE ALARM RINGING]

[PEOPLE PANICKING]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

What are you doing?

Calm down.
Take it easy.

Don't panic.
Take it easy.

Short ceremony.

Take it easy.
Orchestra, orchestra
play something.

Star Spangled Banner.

I want two boys
to rescue that cake.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

Take it easy. Slow down.
Relax. Don't panic.

Run for your lives!

Oh, Madeline.
It's gonna be okay.

What are you doing?

What are you looking for?
Any minute now, any minute.

What the hell's going on here?

[FIRE ENGINE SIREN WAILING]

I don't want it parked.

[BARKING]

No, no, no, give me that.
Fire can be dangerous.
You could burn somebody.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Um, ma'am... Help!

Help! Help! Help!
Lady, your hat's on fire.

[SHOUTS]

Help, please.
Mayday! Mayday!

Water.

BOYS: Charge!

[SCREAMING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Misuse of flaming dessert.

Everything works
out for the best, really.

Oh.

What do they want?

[HORSE APPROACHING]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Unauthorized pet
in driveway.

[GROANING]

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

Hiya, sailor.
Ooh, you lucky,
you got oil to burn.

Are we changing rooms?
Oh. I love his accent.

[FAOUD LAUGHING]

You did it!

All in a day's work.

I suppose you have
a plan to top this one?

Yeah, I'm going
back to school.

Oh...

Back east.

Gonna drive.
Grand Canyon,
Painted Desert.

Black Hills.
Great Lakes.

New England in the fall.

You can see all those places
you've been reading about.

Uh, don't say no.

I don't want to go
find another horse.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GIGGLING]

Ah, almost forgot.

All right, a key
to the bridal suite.

Yes.

Hey, thanks a lot, Huff.
Lena and I could
definitely use this.

Yeah.

[ALL HOOTING]

Hey, come on ya'll,
have some respect
for the lady, now.

Now, the one who catches
this is the next one
down the aisle.

That's right.

Not me, uh, no...

Hey, come on ya'll.
Line up, do it right.

This is for real.
All right.

[YELPS IN PAIN]

All right.

Let's kiss the bride.
Let's kiss the bride.

Oh, thank you, guys.

Excuse me...

Hey, come on.

Massive desertion
by garage employees.

[GROWLING]

Possible arson charges.
Reckless endangerment.

[GRUNTS]

Filing of false alarm.

And incitement to riot.

And all the blame rests
squarely on the shoulders
of the head of security,

Harry Kruger.

[GROANING IN FRUSTRATION]