Undercovers Hero (1974) - full transcript

In this comedy, set during the Nazi occupation of France, Peter Sellers plays most major male parts, so he stars in nearly every scene, always bumbling in inspector Clouseau-style. As British Major Robinson he is hidden in Madame Grenier's Parisian brothel, right under the nose of the Nazi clients, such as Gestapo agent Herr Schroeder (again him). As Général Latour he leads the French resistance, which includes the brothel madam -made a colonel in charge of her sexy 'troops'- and a priest, and is joined by young US diplomat Alan Cassidy. As Japanese imperial Prince Kyoto he becomes a target for the resistance in a monastery on his way to Hitler (again him). At the end he decorates the heroes as French president.

My fellow Americans,
let me make one thing perfectly clear.

I am not too familiar with the works of Voltaire.

I am all too familiar with the workings
of Europe. It's history as I see,

is a tape, no true American would
wish to erase or tamper with.

We are anxious only [to sap in] it's truths...

to learn it's lessons... And let me say this...

Before on way of the New World
commit ourselves for the Europe support...

We must with unavoidable honest...

ask ourselves: why it takes war ...

rather then peace,

to restore the greatness...

and renew the vigour of the Old World...

Must you go?

I have to, my little one, I have to.

Have you put your undervest on?


And your pills?
You have them?

Yes, yes...

When you will be back?

It's terrible, this war.

For everyone.

- Will you miss me, Michèlle, my little one, eh?
- Oh, stupid, you know, I always miss you.
- Eh...

- You come back, ah?
- Eh.
- Quickly.

This morning's communication from Allied Quarters states
that the French Army is maintaining it's ferocious offensive
against the enemy by retiring to prepared positions in front of Paris.

In the north, the victorious advance of
the British continues back to Dunkirk.

An army spokesman points out that a Supreme Commander
is now in a position to throw in his reserves.

Ah! Back to the front line, eh, général?

If there still is one, yes.

Thank you, thank you.

- My dear General, I hope everything was to your satisfaction.
- The young lady's devotion to duty, madam, did credit
as always to the grand traditions of your house.

Not duty, General.

You stand very high with all my girls.

But could we hope to see you again?

- Who could know...
- Traditionally, every French in crisis
prepare for a last stand...

the British will be invariably reluctant to withdraw...

until the last possible moment.
Cor, I'll miss a bloody boat.
[I must think of something.]

Sod it.

- This war... it's going to kill our business.
- Yes.

Would you like to know what
the British say on the situation?
A bad venture.

What is the British say?

Keep in touch.

- [This is what I think as what it is,
to show that something is on.]
- Keep in touch.

You British are alright...

but what will happen to us, when the Boche gets here?
- Oh, don't worry, just try to hang on,
give us a day or two and we shall be back...

And... I mean in the meantime... eh...

Yes,... "keep in touch".

In those early critical days of the Second World War...

Americans' self discipline was exemplar.

Listen, ladies, in this war we Americans are neutral.
We'll not give a damn, who kills Hitler.

I have to go.

Excuse moi, mon General.

- Eh, pouvez-vous... me [donner]
le prou... quick route for Dunkirk?
- You will easily recognize it.

It's right next to the sea... Water... Allons.

Rude sod...

[I had only asked...]

- Hi Major!
- Hi!

- [Anywhere more on your road to sea?]
- Where's your?
- American Embassy.

He, he, sorry, old gent, no.

It's the wrong direction.
Anyway I'm a bit pushed this morning.

Off to seaside, if I get this bloody wick started.

- [Another time, then.] Good luck!
- Good luck!

In military terms...
free Europe had been brought to it's knees.

In every other sense...

it remained proudly... erect.

No, I can't help, madame.

If they'd not allow, your license has
to be revoked for the moment.

- No bickering, because to regulate it...
- I know.
- She must have a very good business here.

...for me... Please do it for me.

Here you are.

Tonight, big man?

- But why not now?
- Tonight.

We're not working the day shift.
Even for you, monsieur préfet.

Anyhow, you have another little
man to attend to for me.

Ah, madame, not so little...

I am not entirely in my hands any longer.

There will be more in your hands... if you succeed.

- I shall do my best, depend on it.
- I do.

Ah, cousin Jacques, cousin Berthe!

- So you've managed to get here.
- Left on Thursday.
- Friday.
- Thursday.

- They bombed the train 3 times on Friday.
- I am afraid some of the eggs were broken.

Will you give your aunt a present you brought here?

- From the farm.
- Oh, you shoudn't have troubled to bring them.
Not all that way. Put it down, dear.

So this is Marie-Claude.

The last time I saw you, you
were sleeping in a basket.

- She is a good girl.
- Very willing.
- And no trouble.
- She'll put a hand to anything.

I am sure she will.

Your aunt is to take care of you.

And the first thing we'll do is buy
her some nice new dress for París.

- She may find it a little strange to start with.
- Madame!

- He left this.
- Who?

- The old général... he forgot to put it on.
- Oh, very well, I'll take it.

- And you show my niece place
she will be sleeping. Will you?
- Of course.

- Bye, maman.
- Do what your aunt says now.

- And don't forget to wear
the drawers when it gets cold.
- You stay the night, cousin Berthe?

I don't see it be better.

You know how it is, er,
no sons, seven daughters...
farm to run... must get back.

Gentlemen, I'm going to give you a toast.

France's most famous soldier... a woman.

Well, she resists at our advances,
gives us a scratch shot or two,
as any lady should before she surrenders...

And now she is in our arms...

We must woo her and praise her...

and get her into bed with us.

- Pigs!
- You exaggerate, child...

- Stay by German naked and what have you got?
- A square headed pot-bellied pig.

A man, Simone, like any other, he client,
who comes here with one purpose...

So your purpose in coming here
to military headquarters...

is to renew the license for brothel, first class...

A matter of extreme urgency, you have said.

- For the... convenience of your officers, monsieur...
- So?

A politesse tojours. I want no complaints
about your behavior, gentlemen.

Respect we have imposed, love... we cannot...

- And the Führer has decided...
in Paris we ought to be loved.
- I don't care what they are like...

You were refusing client because he is old,
bother, ugly or dirty, but not just because
he is German. Not in this house.

- In this house we make love, not war.
- You are making war, not love.

Your application is refused...

pending investigation.


Will you permit me to ask? By whom?

- But this house, monsieur, is inspected regularly.
- So?

As prefect of the district, I...

- May I perhaps... tell Madame Grenier,
who will be calling on her?
- The head of the Gestapo in Paris.

- And who is that, monsieur?
- Me.

You know that you French disgust me.

You lose the war, you lose your
country, you lose your honor...

and what you worry about?...
A whorehouse!

But I assure you, monsieur,

Madame Grenier, it's an institution.
- I said whorehouse and I mean whorehouse.
Do I make myself clear?

What's the trouble here?

No trouble here, General, no trouble.

- Our friend looks troubled.
- It's just a small matter of license, mon général.

Madame Grenier?

Oh, extraordinary!

Anything against it?

We have had no time to find out, Herr General.

Ah, then we better keep you from temptations.

Anyway... the recreation of the warrior
is not a matter for the Gestapo.

Deal with this, Ludwig.

And remember the Führer's orders...

"We are not here to interfere
with the French way of life."

You should be in bed.

Not tonight, honey.
Not with this cold.

[We had spoiled you], silly boy.

Oui, [comme monsieur ne repart là.]

- Come on!
- Papa Felix!

- Quickly! Girls!
- Wait!

You, you and you on the door.
The rest, follow me.

All the doors, stairs, the landing, everywhere.

This one...

What's the hell's going on!
What's happening here?

- I am American citizen, I have diplomatic immunity.
- Yes, of course.
- And you ring the Embassy and check.

Please, don't be disturbed.
There is nothing personal.

- Gesundheit.
- What can this mean?

An honour, Madame, a great honour.

Eighteen years is a long time, Madame.

You remember... your "petit lapin"?

But I [remember] you well!
How could I forget?

It was winter in Paris, you recall,
that's for the German officer,
you made it into spring.

The weather was not that I remember...

Today the Führer has been visiting
L'Arc de Triomphe, Le Panthéon,
Les Invalides, everything.

To night... I am sure, an another
great landmark: your house.

My Führer... may I present... Madame Grenier.

Will you play some music for the Führer.

Girls, up!
Marie-Claude, champagne, quickly!
Jean, cigars!

But Führer does not drink and does not smoke.

Then we must find something
that Führer does enjoy.

must be...

It's alright, don't be scared,
I am a friend - British.

- Now then, who is inside?
- Anywhere Minerve?

That's a face I've seen before.

Herr Chancellor,
may I introduce you to my girls?

Mademoiselle Michèlle...

Mademoiselle Simone...




Helene... and ...

Late... Last! But by no means least.
Our versatile and accomplished African,
Mademoiselle Tom-Tom.

- Eine Schwartze!... Come!
- Schnell!

- Damn!...
- Schnell! Schnell!

But what happened?
But what did we do?

It's alright, come on, man,
it wasn't the music.

- Ah, Schmidt, I think, I will go back to
headquarters and get some fresh air.
- Jawohl, Herr Feldmarschall.

- His shoes...
- Madame!
- His shoes...

There is a man outside, that wants to see you.

You have to wait.

Jean, cognac!

Here, Papa, seep this, make you feel better.

Papa... Papa... Papa... Are you better, Papa?

We must get a doctor.

Herr Maréchal?

I thought I would accept your kind invitation
to some champagne... on the house.

At your service, Herr Maréchal.

So, if you would perhaps be good
enough to bring the wine to the room.


Marie-Claude... champagne.

So you are very... versatile, a little one?

And you will show me everything... everything.

And you are very strong.

I am going to need to be untied, big man.

Give me the champagne.

Don't forget: I give you orders here.

You don't know what you are in for.

[I would like a little more.]


Glad, it's like I've caught
you on time, field marshal.

- Who're you?
- Major Robinson, sir, British Intelligence.

Yes, and I am Winston Churchill.

Come! Lord, what a wonderful disguise.

I am sorry to interrupt, but the...
cabinet meeting is over.

- I am not... understanding.
- The war, you know, it's still very much on.

Sod it, a bloody silencer.

- Simone...
- Girls!... Stay here.

Jean, come with me!

- Oh my God!...
- But what is it? What's the matter?
- It's horrible. He is mad, mad.

What's happened?

- Jean, take her to her room.
- Yes, ma'am. Come.

- It's alright, honey.
- Come.

Major Robinson!
What are you doing here?

Shortenning the war, I hope.

- Christ, man, you've killed him!
- Yes. But we are not neutral, you see, are we?

But in my house? Don't you realize
what the Boche will do to us?

- I shouldn't [have] known,
that's the answer that [seems to be] wise.
- We'll be shot, you stupid bastard! [Everyone! You got that?]

- Look, I [can't hang about in the time like
the just now], I very have bloody move on.
- You are not leaving the body here!

- I, certainly, don't take it with me.
- But you've got to.

What are we to do with it?

[Why, we've wash kit, but it would be choppish.]
And then we can't leave the old "Churchill" lying
around with one boot on. Frightfully bad form. Eh?

Anyway, you are off in time and
you are American, anyhow, hm?

Main thing is: "keep in touch", eh?


Eh, go in, phone Madame Latour and tell
her I will be home within... two hours.

But are you sure, she would want
to know why you're so long.

Tell her my motor is broken.

No, that is not improvidence.

Eh, a puncture... Hmm, a puncture, yes.

- Go, go!
- Mon Général!

Pick the goddamn thing up!

Michèlle, get ready!

Papa Felix, play, play!

- Ah, mon Général!
- Closed, Madame? What is this?
- Not to you, mon Général! We are happy to see you back safe!

Three horses shot from under me!

Terrible things are happening everywhere.


At least we have one consolation:
We are rid of the British.

I did not think they fired
one single shot in [any German].

They dragged us into this and what do the do?
They leave us to be up in the mess what they run away.

Michèlle, did you miss me?

- Of course I did.
- Oh, I thank you.

No prudent veteran delays his return
to the warm embrace of family life...

without risking the cold breath of destiny.

[They play it by defeat.]

French veterans were frequently dependent
upon the goodwill of their enemy.
- It's puncture, mon Général.

- Herr General, do you need help?
- I have received a puncture.

Come. Go on!

- Where are your tools?
- There, in the back.
- Very good, we will help, monsieur.

Herr General... you are under arrest.

[Curé], can't you tell them that... it was all a mistake.

To be suspected and condemned...

to suffer for the deeds of others...

are the occupational hasards
of all Commanders in Chief.


- Aim!
- Vive la France!
- Fire!

The truth cannot be camouflaged...

We shall fight them on the beaches,
we shall fight them on the hills.

Whether Winston never thought we'll
be fighting up in the knocking shops?

- You came from France by fishing boat?
- Yes.

Normally I travel Cunard.

This top brass [in Paris].
Know him?

No sir, have no clue.

- Tell me he was... Winston Churchill.
- Really?
- Mmm.

- How about French Intelligence, can you tell us?
- He was FeldMarschall Weber, SS officer,
commanding... Panzer Group, 5.

- Awesome, my God... How'd you managed it, Robi?
- I shot him, sir... Bang! Just like that.

- God!
- [Now, what the hell is it?]

- Seems like they've blown themselves up, sir.
- Bloody chaos. Now, what was I saying?

- Oh, yes, yes, you could be
[promoted for] this, you know?

- Ding-dong, sir.
- Pity they had to finish old Latour, eh?
- Oh he was finished years ago, sir.

- If you ask me, Paris would be safer without him.
- Ah, Paris.

- Do you like Paris, Robi?
- But I am glad to be home, sir.
- Yes, yes of course. But do you like it?

But it's very French.

Have you done any... parachute jumping?

Eh, no sir, no.
I never [liked] hights.

Oh, you [wouldn't want to knock your head].

No sir.

Now, tell us more about this... Madame Grenier.

The French, ever unpredictable...

quietly enduring life under the Germans...

Meanwhile the dreaded Gestapo, ...
watching,... waiting,... spying,... prying,...

sought to poison the wile springs of liberty.

- Come away from the window,
we'll be getting into a trouble.
- No.

- Ah! Away!
- Oh!

What do they talk about?

- Themselves.
- Themselves?

[Also asking] "What a nice girl like you
doing in the place like this?"

- What do you think?
- Me? Nothing!

I'll show them.

Your husband, does he know what you do?

He is in prison or war camp.

- You're [unfaithful] to him.
- But we all are, aren't we?

How does a girl get starting?

- I would not if I've been you.
- No, I didn't even mean [that].

Come on, who've you got your eye on?

An embassy official?

The son of a senator and you run
around in the middle of the night
with the German corpse on your hands?

No, listen, Cassidy, God knows
you're not the brightest...

And if I had [common] sense I'd ship you home on
the next plane, but your father is on a senate foreign
policy commitee and he wants you to be here, so here you stay.

But [from now on] you keep your
nose clean and your mouse shut.

- Check?
- Check.

And get back out of here, you.

- Oh, Cassidy.
- Yes.

- Eh, that cathouse of yours,
give me the address?
- 24, Rue Séchelles.

- It's off limits to all embassy personnel,
as of now. Got it?
- Got it.

Thank you, child.


Forgive me, madame.

Please, carry on,
don't worry about me.

- Give'em two bottles of champagne.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, here are you.


- Thank you, mon Général.
- Church problems, padre?

Shall we say: a reconnaissance.

Mon Général... Come along, Mon Général.

You know, you took a look.

Simone, here is a friend, who wishes to see you.

- Enjoy yourself, padre. Good evening.
- Goodbye!
- Madame...

You should not be here, padre.

Are you afraid, that I shall
give the house a bad name?

- No, It's so late.
- Oh, it's never too late to do my job.

After all, madame, you know,
we have one thing in common:
we both keep an open house, don't we?

Answer me, why you've not been
to mine for such a long time?

Short of sins, padre?

Short of breath, when I have to go looking
for them, and I am such an inquisitive man.

- Things have not been easy, padre.
- Of course... still...

Opening the door to new allies does not
mean closing it on old ones, does it?

You like it, huh? Again!

Got him!

Come to my room, then?

- Tiny job... shan't be a minute.
- I know him!

It's Robinson!

He's at it again.

- What is this? I am loyal to the Führer.
I swear it! You have the wrong man!
- No, no.

I've got the right man,
you've got the wrong one.

Sod it, forgot to load the bloody thing.

He's done it again!

Come on, you.
Don't try the old 'Dead Kraut' act with me!

He's croaked... That's turn up.

- Yeah! Got any spare arm, eh?
- If I had, I'd used it on you, you maniac.
- I've no time for arguing. Anyway,
he is on you, you must dispatch with him.

[Quits now?] Come back!

What the hell do we do this time?

Now, I am to go back on night duty.

Ah, pardon me, sir, do you have the time?

- It's a quarter to twelve.
- Cassidy, for Christ sake, what are you doing here?

I am not sure yet...

I am getting out of here.
You too, now, come on!

Still we got to think of something.

Ah, listen to me, Jim, you will help me,
or you'll help them. What's it can be?


- You are in hurry?
- Yeah, I have to go.
- Where?

My office.

- At midnight?
- Look...

- I am an American citizen.
- Congratulations, then you will still stay.

You will ask all German officers
to leave here immediately.
Everyone else will remain.

Eh, by the way, I don't think
there was room service here.

- And I hope the goddamned rope will break.
- Thank you. Certainly.

This man, madame,
do you know him?

Even if he had been here, we will never
betray the confidence of the client.

Anyone, who uses our facilities,
is guaranteed absolute discretion.

- Anyone.
- But I am not anyone.

And I can guarantee that I have my own
facilities for getting at the truth.

- You will stay on this door, you understand?
Yes, Herr [Commander].

Herr Colonel, you are requested
to leave immediately.

- So?
- A Gestapo raid, Herr Colonel.

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!

All German officers are req...


Do you realized how many
houses we have closed?

- 12.
- Then perhaps 13 will be your lucky number.

You must do what you have to do, monsieur.

I could no more betray a client
than you could the Führer.

- Then you admit that he has been here.
- I admit nothing.
- Stop this!

Do you imagine that we at
the Gestapo - we're all idiots?

So?... How was he killed?

- Get the doctor, seal all this place.
- But Herr Schroeder, how?
- With troops! Call at the army, you idiot!

Who are you?

- I am an American citizen.
- Oh, so you are another American citizen.

This all begins to make sense.

- Schultz!
- Herr Schroeder!

The Military Governor... get me him.



When was this?

Yeah, I know where it is.

Well, at once.

We know that this is an American plot.

We also know that someone here...

told someone somewhere...

that he was coming here before he arrived.

But who told who what?

Let me make myself clear.

I will want no more this nonsense...

No more these lies.

- You, you and you, were in this room and you
saw this American killed him. I am right?
- Wrong.

- I am never wrong.
- That must be very nice for you.
- Because...

if the American did not kill him...

it means certainly it was one of you.
- Still wrong. It was a man, a German, an officer.
- Oh!

So now it was a German officer, who killed him?

[I see something else.]

There was one of these American in the room,
holding a dead body in his arms, and the other
American is running through the door.

Perhaps you too think that we
in the Gestapo... are all idiots.


Then for the last... last time...

- Who killed him?
- No one.

- Herr General?
- No one, Schroeder.

You mean that he killed himself?

- Tell him.
- Cardiac arrest... Heart fail.

These exertions must have
proved to much for him.

Herr Schroeder, I have good news.

- Those Americans, if caught, can be big ones.
- Later, later.

What's it about Americans?

They are embassy officials, Herr General.

One is senior counsel, the other, whom
Herr Schroeder himself caught red-handed,

is the son of the senator and
personal advisor on Foreign Relations
to the President of United States.

And where are they now?

They are at Headquarters.


I sent them for... questioning.

- They are in Gestapo?
- Aha.

Are you an even bigger
imbecile than I took you for?

You get me from my bed, call up my troops,

interrupt a doctor in his duties,

and distress innocent French people.

And as if this was not
enough for one evening...

you now trying to wreck peaceful
relations between Germany and
the strongest neutral power in the world?

Have you any other master stroke in mind?

No, Herr General.

And you better call your Headquarters,
before I call the Führer.


Ladies, there I must apologize.
Can I offer you all a glass of champagne?

What are you doing to them?

No... no, don't do that.

Stop it at once!

What are you trying to do, start a war
between Germany and America?

They dig their own graves...

those who violate the rights
of American citizens.

"The British people need ships."

"From America they will get ships."

"They need planes."

"From America they will get planes."

"From America they will get ..."

"tanks and guns and ammunition
and supplies of all kinds."
(Franklin Delano Roosevelt: On U.S. Involvement
in the War in Europe, 15 March 1941)

But it has the same goals
and all good Americans know...

the Lord helps those who take
every chance to help themselves.

What troubles you make, child?

This mad Englishman...
he will be back!

He won't be so lucky the third time.

The British, of course, are heretics...

but, they always seem to end up on the winning side.
- Only because they are so stupid.
- Perhaps...

But this time, perhaps,
because they are counting
on the Americans, [strengthening] them.

- But too late. Too late for me.
- It is already too late for you, my child.
You have made the idiots of the Gestapo...

- They do not give absolution for that.
- I have nothing to do with it.
- Enough.

- Enough to be proud of.
- Proud?

News travel fast in war.

Did you know that your service
to France has been rewarded?

- Re... What?
- That you have been made an honorary colonel.

- Me?
- In the free French forces of général de Gaulle.

- Who is he? I've never heard of him.
- It seems that he has heard of you.

I tell you I'm not a soldier.
My house is not a battlefield.

- I can't imagine where this story came from.
- Then you had better hear my confession...
From London.

- Impossible.
- They had named me your commanding officer.

War, it seems, makes strange bedfellows.

Good morning, colonel.

- Madame...
- Come in. Come in, all of you.

Michèlle, your hair is all over the face.

Claudine, hold yourself properly.

Sit up!

Now girls, it's all too stupid, but...

- Like it or not, we've been called to arms.
- Whose arms?

Some peculiar French general in London.

It is simple to pinpoint a distinction

between the dogma of dictatorship and
a rough and tumble of democracy.

Stand up Claudine,
do it again, do it again.

The free man is adaptable and flexible.

His ingenuity can [bear free] tactics.

His expanses of spirit and effort...

clearly exposed in returns he finds...

and the reaches of his resourcefulness
increased, rather than diminished.

A dictator rules a nation of robots...

programmed to endorse his follies and
support his devious ambitions.

Heil Hitler!

So... So this is where you live, eh?

Ah, it's very nice.

Now, [did I tell...]
Yeah, one moment.

- Lie down.
- Papa [must] undress first, eh?
- No, no, I'll undress you!

I am looking for at very much!

Me too!

Lift him.

Bring his things.

- Heut' ist der schönste Tag (von)/in meinem Leben...
(Song from the eponymous Austrian movie (1935))
- Let Baby [help] you.
- No, oh no.

Silly boy.

- Come, come, you come.
- No!

- You lie here!
- Ah, so?
- Then I let you play with my toy.



Here we are again.

I go...

In war as in peace...

exactly where and how bodies are
buried must remain a secret...

[capable of thwarting efforts of
foe agencies to declassify it.]

Where are they?

In the last six months...

eleven officers of the High Command...

had disappeared from somewhere to nowhere...

and I am asking myself where?
Let me make myself clear.

And two of them were last
seen in this whorehouse. Two!

And the smell in my nose tells me that
something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

- So that's where they've gone?
- Who?

- The officers.
- Where?

- Denmark.
- Am I talking about Denmark?
- But, Herr Schroeder, you, you...
- I said Paris!

That is where they have disappeared.
Paris! In this brothel!

That is where you are going, there, tonight.

Excuse me mentioning it Herr Schroeder,
but suppose, if one of them should disappear?

Well, then we shall know for sure,
won't we, Schultz, eh?

You, what are you doing in that thing?
You are supposed to look like a general.

You look like some stupid fat boy.
Take it off!

- Ja, Herr Schroeder.
- What is this?

You look like someone on a hunger strike.


You will visit this house tonight...

You will use your eyes...
You will use your ears...
You will use your discretion.

But above all you will look like generals...

and you will behave like generals.

- Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, yes, Herr Schroeder.
Yes, of course.

I must speak to the Military Governor, please.

Close the door.


Allô, here is Yvonne, Yvonne Grenier.

Ah, good evening, madame.

Eh? Oh! Officers, you say?

I doubt they are officers.
I know they are not generals.
And they certainly are not gentlemen.

I think they are spies.

Then we shall deal with them.

Yes, yes, at once.

Come on, go!... Move!...
Come on, you!... Come on!

I am sick to death of you, Schroeder.

Sick of the time you waste and trouble you cause.

Sick of the whole incompetent pantomime.

You have no wit to find my missing generals...

You might at least have the courtesy to join them.

- Herr general...
- Silence!

How dare you interrupt!

As for the rest of you...

Your debuting in our uniform was so impressive...

that I made impression in Berlin...

to except you for service...

on the Russian front.

As for you, "madame", you [unquestionably
will end up] in the Bolshoi ballet.

- All right, release them.
- Thank you, Herr General.

It is no good, padre.

- We can't [go any longer with that, no.]
- Surely. a little longer.

The Gestapo's breathing down our necks.

Still, it is a pity.
You were about to be promoted.

- A General, honorary, of course.
- Not an our share, padre.
Now we are on the retired list.

- Tell them in London, will you?
- If I must.

Well, you heard.

London is not going to like it.

HQ wanted to try this art.

- What other holy purpose do they serve?
- Well, that's just it.
They work like a treat on hipps and elephants.

Very anxious to know what can they do for the Boche.

- Hipps and elephants?
What do they do to them?
- Blow them up of it.

- They explode?
- No, no, wind, flatulance.

One elephant keeper, poor fellow,
[has it done, he was behind elephant's arse
and has been blown across zoological gardens.]

- [Merciful mother!]
- Died.

[Miserable man, not the elephant].

- This won't work for Madame Grenier.
- Oh, there's no risk.

Delayed action.
[Flatulence in elephants appears only after 24 hours.]

What's that what killed the elephant keeper:
He did not know and he was not prepared.

But here, just think...

The customers are off the premises
before they even get suspicious. Yeah.

- Padre?
- Yes my child.
- Are you alone?

- Oh, why do you ask,
did you hear something?
- I'm not sure.

- I thought I heard voices.
- Ah... Joan of Arc heard voices too, my child.

The simplicity of innocents provides
poor armour against treachery.

In December 1941...

free Europe prayers were answered.

The United States of America...

was stabbed in the back.

Ok, drop them.


OK, [raise them up].

Well, what you say?

Sorry, not this man's war.

- [Which is?] Give me one good reason.
- I'll give you the inventory.

- You've got short sight, flat feet, ingrowing
toenails, and you're deaf in one ear.
- So? Who wants to join the Marines?

I doubt you'll be joining anything.

And watch that hernia too.

Look, son, you're lucky,
you don't have to be a hero.

Oh, voilà!

Come back!

- Goodbye!
- Come back quickly.
- Take care of yourself.

You bet!

- How do I look?
- Very French, my son.

You have your papers?

- [Here they are.]
- Jean then will take you,

and in a few days, you will
be happy to fight the Boche.
But remember!

if you do get stopped...
- I'm dumb, Jean is, who will do the talking.

- God bless you, my son.
- Good luck!

- Goodbye!
- Goodbye! Good luck!
- Come back.

Very good, very good.


You will need some food!

Ah, thanks a lot.

- Must you go?
- I don't reckon to sit on my tail
in Washington for any duration.

Vive l'Amérique!

Vive la France!



Dirty Boche! ...
They take everything!

- Our food, our wine, our friends, everything.
- Yes.

Goodbye, madame.

- I hate to leave you so shorthanded.
- Ah, but...

your husband comes first, my dear.

After two years in that prison
or war camp... he probably will.

Oh, Louise!

Of course, they are stinkers, all of them...
But these stinkers...

This is what I'd like them to take.

- Here is your money, my dear.
Come [to visit us] whenever you can.
- Oh, I will.

Of course I can't promise full time,
but I'll be glad to work
[part time on these days] and holidays.


- Goodbye, Louise. Goodbye, Louise.
- Goodbye.
- Take care and good luck.

So here they are... knock-out drops.

delayed action... quiet safe...
take them, hide them, use them.

But how?

Even simpler, glass of champagne,
drop them in, just like that.

- When?
- I will tell you when.

But don't forget this, very important,
that's for special occasions.

Special occasions, only.

One of our friends in the [code
branch just gave me] this.

Von Grotjahn speaks with his wife.

He's returning to Berlín.
But why?

- This...
- What?
- Signal...

- To?
- Von Grotjahn.
- From?

The Führer.

So... he's put in the cold storage, at last!

We shall be desolated to lose you.

But what better way to go, madame,
that of your delightful establishment.

Gentlemen, this is a very special occasion.

On such a special occasion General
Von Grotjahn, you and your staff,
must please all drink a glass of champagne.

- Marie-Claude!
- Madame...

- Where are you going?
- I am sorry, madame.

- I've spilled it.
- Well, come then on, child.

Papa Felix, some music for our guests.

- Gentlemen, tonight my house is yours.
- Thank you, madame.

- Excuse me, Herr General.
- Mm.
- The [new Military Governor] must see you at once.

Now! My last night in Paris?

- Madame, you will have to excuse me.
- You are not leaving?
- I have to.

Gentlemen, the new military governor
has arrived at the Headquarters and I have
to handover Paris to him and get a receipt.

Bring him here, Herr General,
to meet the girls.

Maybe he is like our beloved Führer...

he'll be able only to raise his voice.

Enjoy yourselves, gentlemen.

- You're not going to get
this where you are going.
- Cheers!

I shall never forget you, "petit lapin".
Bon voyage and good luck.

We shall both need it, madame.

Gentlemen, you're all [free until] tomorrow night.
As arranged.

Well, gentlemen, the Führer with his
customary kindness, has invited us
to join this winter sports party.

Our destination is Russia.

He tells me he plans to spend
Christmas in Moscow...

but he seems to be having difficulty
in finding... accommodation...

so Christmas may be a little late this year.

What does it mean "late"?

Movement orders are in front of you.
They will remain sealed, until we are on plane.

Too much champagne last night, Willy?

Excuse me, Herr General.

Well, gentlemen, we have to be moving.
Any questions?


Take him. Put his head on a cold tap.

Gentlemen, our transport is waiting.
Bon voyage to us all.

- Thank you, Herr General...
- Where are we going, Russia?...

- It's probably shock,
no stomach for the Eastern Front.
- No stomach for anything!

- He's dead!
- What?

There is an officer in there,
get him to the hospital.

That is for the transport and important
medical stuff. The assembly is on the Place
de la Concorde immediately... Off.

- What's the matter?
- Go on, go on, Alfred, oh...

Anything we can do
to help you on your way?

- Good luck, Von Grotjahn
- You too... and take good care of Paris.

I still hope to see you again sometime.


Thanks to the Allies' unorthodox
strategy in the German rear...

Moscow was to be saved.
- Get a doctor!

The help Hitler have summoned,
never arrived.

It had gone with the wind.

By June 44, curbed by her suffering,
free France was again in motion.

- Why in the hell did you do that, Paul?
- Are you blind?

- What do you mean: "blind"?
I'd just cut three of them.
- Three of us, you, idiot.

And a colonel!
A colonel?

Gee, I am sorry, colonel.
I get this glasses need changing.

Not the glasses, Alan.
The job.

Yes sir.

Look at this, mon colonel.

At 0300 hours allied forces invaded
Normandy by land, sea and air.

- Now let's see what the Boche will do.
- Close all the whorehouses.

Maison Grenier closed for annual vacation.

The birds have flown!

Your Padre has asked us to give you refuge.

You should be quite safe here,
until we can find more suitable accommodation.

But in the meantime,

I must ask all of you, please...
to observe the rules of the house.

Come in, all.
I'll show you where you sleep.

Search this house from top to bottom.

Things that happened here,
that more than meet my eye.

These rooms, search them!

Each of you, every room.
Search it.

Every cupboard, every drawer, everything.

Do I make myself clear?

- Schultz!
- Herr Schroeder?

Come here, I'll show you
how it feels to be a whore.

Try it, try it, Schultz.

I think they have a good time,
these fellows, you know.

Schultz, Schultz.

Schultz, you idiot!
Where are you?

Herr Schroeder, look what I have here found.

An iron cross, the SS badge.

So now we know, but they
do not know, that we know...

and even if they do know that we know,
they will not know what to do!

Do I make myself clear?

Meditation till eight.

Lights out at nine.

Rising bell 5:15, chapel 6 o'clock,
meditation 6:30, until breakfast at 7.

That's it.

I leave you all to settle it.

And now it's time for meditation.

I've meditated already.

- Boche or no Boche,
I want go back to París.
- [Yes, yes, let's return.]

- Monsieur Alan!?
- Jesus.
- Oh, Alan, you are safe!

Gee, I'm glad to see you all!

- We thought you are fighting the Germans.
- Well it was, but I [was somewhat] promoted.

[Set up to provide for radio link with London.]
[The station is up the tower.]

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Well, it could be. I keep sending out the messages,
but it don't seem to be able to raise goddamned reply.

They are feeling safe, no doubt.


We may have a surprise up
the store for those good ladies.

Who is in charge here?

Please, carry on.

Come in on, all of you, leave all this
and return to your quarters, at once.


- Could you assist us, madame?
- How?

- One of our cars is in the need of repairs.
- This is not a garage, monsieur.

I know. But it will only take one hour or two.

- Meanwhile we were hoping we may
[eat something on] your kitchen.
- Nor it is a restaurant.

And like the rest of France
we are very short of food.

Then you must [appreciate our rations], madame.

- If you will first be good
enough to cook them for us.
- As you wish.

Thank you. One last favour, madame.

We have with us a very important person.

- Have you a room where he will be undisturbed.
- And this is not an hotel, monsieur!
- This is not an ordinary guest, madame.

You see, he is here at the personal
invitation of the Führer.

The Mother Superior welcomes
Your Highness and places
her own room at your disposal.

This is a geisha house?

A convent, Highness, a house of religion.

Highness, may I present the Mother Superior.

His Royal Highness, General The Prince Kyoto.

Commanding the imperial
Japanese military mission.

- He tell me you're in serve of God here.
- We try, Your Highness.
- Good, I am distantly related to God.

- [How I come on john?]
- His Highness has a [root/rot/room] in his mind.
Please, room keys.

- Yes, please.
- This way.

The Order strictly forbids any man
entering the sisters' quarters.

- We are breaking the rules for His Highness,
but I am sorry, no one else.
- Oh, agreed, agreed, [I go, I say].

With your permission, Highness,

I shall signal better Headquarters, that
we should be travelling through the night.
- Oh, yeah, hm. Hi!

Are the Japanese coming here to fight?

To observe.

May I ask you, what?

- The Americans being thrown back into the sea.
- Oh!

Populi omnium...

In Testamentum Domini
tu das escum illorum in tempore opportuno...
(thou givest them their food in due time)


I can't believe, it works.
I've got a reply... Look.

"Old yellow balds (bonze?) leader of war
party in Japanese cabinet. Stop."

"Hold him. Stop."

"[Buy shirt and carol geese] (By hook or by crook?)
if necessary. Stop."

- Venus knows how... Venus?
- It's me. The code name.
- Ah!

"He must not, repeat NOT"

"leave you before the daylight as RAF unable go
hunting in dark. Stop. Best of British luck. End."
- What we do now?

We, nothing!

[We can't let him get away.]

- How? Where? With what?
- Alan!

I still have one of these pills.

- What pills?
- That British Major gave them to me.

- Where, when?
- Back home... At the brothel.

Here? Let's have it.

- What is it supposed to do, child?
- I don't know.

He called them knockout drops.

You put them in the German champagne.

- Would it work in a glass of
our cordial, do you think?
- Yes.

You must try our finest cordial.

The men of the village believe
that it has miraculous properties.

To judge by the birth rate, they could be right.

The women want us to ration
with the one bottle a month.

Try it. You have a long journey ahead of you.

For the victory at the end of it!

- Let's drink to that. To victory!
- To victory!

Ah, too late.
Come and sit here, my child.

This custom of house?

- Oh, dear!
I have made a mess of everything.
- No everything. Mainly trousers.

Fetch water and towel.

Only winds of heaven travel fast with certainty.

Naruhodo... (Well...)

Worse how [it was thrown] at me
by American in Pacific.

Oh my, this good drink.

We will feel better.

Like sake.

- You like sake?
- I don't know, monsieur.
I've never tried.

- You bring more.
- Of course, monsieur. I mean Highness.

There is [so littlle] time and much way to go.

But you can't go yet...
I mean not like this.

Not an important man like you.

- How old your age?
- Twenty.

What a pretty young girl like
you doing in place like this.

I am an young novice, monsieur.

- Novice, what the novice?
- A beginner.

You do well for beginner.

It's not natural, is it?
We are not even allowed to talk.

- You like... talk?...
- Sometimes.

- You like... men?
- Some men.

Anyway, [the less I'm allowed to] do
something, the more I want to do it.

Ah, what you like to do now?

Perhaps, it would be better if you took
these trousers off, Your Highness.

Ho-ho... Yeah!

Is this an old order, Chaplain?

The oldest sisterhood in the world.

How do you [feel] to be the one man
in the midst of so many women?

I'm too old for temptations, my son.

I am not yet ready for paradise.

- The Church puts me here,
to say Mass and to hear confession.
- Confession? Here? To what, Padre?

Deeds perhaps not, but thoughts...

Oh, you'd be surprised.

And for us, the thought is
as much the sin as the act.

One moment, child.
What have you got there?

- His trousers.
- [God] in heaven!

Excuse us, please.

Come in.

- Later on tonight.
- Where, when?

How careless!
What did he say?

He said: "What a pretty young girl
like you doing in a place like this?"

- Did he?
- He wants another bottle of cordial.

Perhaps, we can hold him.

Off you go, and when his trousers are dry,

I'll send Michèlle with them to relieve you.

She'll know what to do.

- And Marie-Claude!
- Madame?
- And remember...

this is for France.
- No madame, this is for me!

Hai (Yes)... [Enter.]... [Ah, very good, huh!].

But you are away from the world here, Padre.

Things are seldom what they seem, my son.

We're keeping contacts...
We are more in touch than you think.

And all of this belong to the grand design.

But this grand design, Padre?
What are you meaning by that?

Nothing happens by accident.

That [piece] of the mystery is beyond
our simple understanding.

Enough that at the end each one
of us is dealt with... justly...
and according to the will of God.

You must understand, my son,
that God works in mysterious ways,
his wonders [stupefy].

And I have to see someone
else performing wonders.

He will not be leaving tonight,
that I can promise.

- Permission to advance, Highness?
- Hai (Yes).

- Captain-san, tell me, [do they have]
Houses of religion in Normandy at all?
- Yes Highness, I am hoping so.

At all times procrastination is a great
seducer of resolution and decision.

French exertions, British vigilance,

and the braveness of our own boys,

ensured that the road to Normandy...

led to the final impeachment...
- Tally-ho!

and the ultimate explosion.

With the prospect of liberation imminent...

patriots everywhere follow the call to
return to the sanctity of the home...

and the moral virtues of everyday life.

Ah, here we are, girls!
Home again!

My God!

Oh, look who now turns up like
the proverbial pet penis.

- And with them an American tool as well.
- What are you doing here, Herr Schroeder?

At the moment we are moving out,
but we have enjoyed the hospitality
of your house, Madame.

And now we wish to return it.

- Hope with my furniture.
- Where you are going,

it is fully furnished.
- I don't follow you.
- You will, you will.

You see, we know all about
"Venus", Madame Grenier.

We have been doing a little star gazing...

and we have blown your circuit.

And the British that you were
hiding and the wicked old priest...
Blown, arrested.

We at the Gestapo are not as stupid as we look.
Do I make myself clear?

- My girls are quite innocent!
- No girls are quite innocent,
least of all, your girls.

- I want escort transport.
- At once, Herr Schroeder.


You have come back here.
For what?

To witness our little...
firework display tonight?

- Ja... ja... Thank you Herr Colonel...
- The last one, sir.

The installations are mined.

The charge is set...
At midnight...
Paris will go up.

I've never disputed an order in my life...

But it is too much.
He's out of his mind!

- And I shall go down in history as a Hun who blew up Paris.
- Unless the French army breaks in on time.
- There is no time.

I need a high ranking Allied officer
that can accept our surrender.

You see, I too have my girls.

Take these ladies to the Salazar Headquarters
and let them entertain the old friends.

Herr Schroeder!

Quickly... Berlin.

It is the Führer!

Mein Führer!
Schroeder here!

Jurgens! It seems that the Führer
does not trust the Military Governor...

[who tarries with his orders execution.]

- What we have to do with him? Arrest him?
- No!

We wait until midnight.

If Paris is not burning by then,

I... am to give the orders... for the Führer.

Auf Wiedersehen!

- Prisoner...
- Gehorch!

Hold your head up, Claudine,
You're supposed to be a soldier.

- Where do we go?
- We can't get below... over there.

Attention! Immediately. Colonel Schroeder
to report to transportation control immediately.

Attention! All clerical personnel will be
issued the small arms and ammunition
at 23:15 hours. Room 642. Off.


Attention! Gestapo personnel report
at once for new movement order. Off.

It is now 23:30 hours.
At midnight we will clear all channels.

And I am the only one of the command,
personally responsible for demolition of Paris.
Do I make myself clear?

- You have an order for this?
- It is the order of the Führer himself.
Check with Berlin.

The Lord provides all.
And all he provides is good.
So let us be grateful.

Here are you, my son.
I'll have another one.

Thank you, Father.

What's the sense of it all?
I don't know.

Tonight we blow Paris.
And what happens?

Tomorrow you blow Berlin.

That is, if them don't shoot you, of course.

Oh well, that's alright, I suppose.

OK, hold it!

Yes, I suppose, it is war.

- And if you don't want your
head blown off, open up quick.
- And don't forget...

If you are to make a safe getaway, all Gestapo
documents must be handed in and burned.

- Am I imagining, but I have just seen...
- What's that?

- Those girls from the whorehouse.
- Where?
- Downstairs, in the men's lavatory.

- Sitting or standing?
- Marching!

In the uniforms of SS.
Isn't that stupid?

Yes, Gottfried.

You look ridiculous.

Do something.

Herr Schroeder said we are supposed to be
looking like French resistance fighters.

You... You should get an Iron
Cross for this, Herr Schroeder.

I have always done mine duty.

So peaceful...

- May I ask what you plan
to do after, Herr Schroeder?
- The war?

Return to my job in civilian street.

- What is that, Herr Schroeder?
- I am an income tax inspector.

Quite a change from the life in the Gestapo.

Not the way I do it.


All [rhymes speech cue/HQ] personnel...

will assembly at once in the main hall...

with full equipment and [day rations]
[to wait for the further] orders. Off.

All HQ personnel?
Does that mean us too?

- Heil Hitler!
- Oh! Heil Hitler!

You've heard that, everyone?
All out. Now!

[With all] your equipment, hey-ho, below!

We're called to stop that all, what's going out.

- Look, bloody lively, too.
- But what we do for [it]?
- Well, pull the plug, fail it all,
sure I know enough how to do that. You...

Take that.

Come, come, go!
Quickly now!


This is the BBC, London.

I don't want to set the world on fire...

All charge is set.

Damnly good show, girls, [wrap up].
Now get off here as quick as [you can].
Leave the rest to Alan and me, right? Go on. Let's go.

Girls, come quickly.

- Take them with you.
- OK.

Now can you imagine what I see?

- There! Take them out!
- Christ!

- It's a French!
- [Look at them!] After them!

Look out!


Stop you fools! Stop!

I hear nothing.
I see nothing.

Now I must do something.

Wait here, watch.

You'll be seeing Paris for the last time.

- Sir, French are here!
- Thank God.

- [Saw them in the building, all hell breaks loose].
- Tell to all that idiots to stop shooting and whatever
the French leader is, bring him here to me at once.
- Aye.

Girls, stay here.

How we do it?

Not bad.

Mon général!

- Madame?
- You are the Military Governor?

Then... allow me to introduce myself.

General Grenier, with the Free French Forces.
Code name... "Venus".

I am here to accept your surrender.



Paris... is yours!



Now it's perfect timing.

What is happening here?

- Sod it!
- Where is everyone?

One moment...
I've got a good present for that bastard.

Schroeder here, Communications.

The Führer?

- Yes, mein Führer!
- Is Paris burning!?
- I'm giving the order at this very moment.

- Paris...
- Goddamned box!
- will be blown...

In the name of la France...

Great Britain... and United States of America...

and the Soviet Union of Socialist Republics...

Madame Yvonne Grenier,

At whilst the weapons were
[long warded], no still [attained]...

The old hatred thrown onto
the [back keep] of the past...

Ancient enemies joined in planting their seeds...

in the fallow beds of peace...

From those beds emerged the newest...

and yet the oldest common market in the world...

...[this] will let common market...

[to become] common coloss
with that great fertilizer...

the United States of America.

Mademoiselle Claudine Carpentier...

Mademoiselle, suppose that you could breath in?

Supérieur !

Mademoiselle Madeleine Moncou...

Pardonnez moi, mademoiselle.

Madame Louise Despar...


Voilà !

Mademoiselle Marie-Claude Bisset...

Monsieur Président !

I think... the time has come to offer
you the hospitality of my house.

Come along, girls!

Our reading of history pose as a final question...

will we stay to protect the new Europe...

only to find ourselves
defenceless defending the old...

And last risk being leading
to climax after climax.

from which we could well emerge...

spent and stripped...

and all with God's help...

ultimately on top.

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo).
(Leningrad (USSR)-Gush Dan (Israel)).
Editing program: "Subtitle Edit".