Under the Yum Yum Tree (1963) - full transcript

* I wouldn't bet ya that
it could happen

* Not even under the stars

* I wouldn't bet ya that
it could happen

* Not with flamenco guitars

* But you can bet me that
it could happen

* Her eyes are open, but
her hearts nappin'

* How can she help it
temptations tappin'?

* Under the yum yum tree

* I wouldn't bet ya that
she'll start sighin'

* Not even under the moon

* I wouldn't bet ya that
she'll start buyin'



* That old reliable tune

* But you can bet me that
she'll start throwin'

* A million kisses
and she'll start glowin'

* The happy juices
will sure start flowin'

* Under the yum yum tree

* When the yum yum's in bloom

* She's bound to lose her heart

* All that natural perfume

* Should make
the fireworks start

* I wouldn't bet ya
though you've embraced her

* You're quite as smart
as you thought

* I wouldn't bet ya
though you have chased her

* You're not the one
who's been caught

* In all the lightening
and all the thunder



* It's gonna make you
begin to wonder

* Just who it was who led who
under the yum yum tree

* The yum yum tree

* The yum yum tree

* The yum yum tree

David, that tickles, darling.

You know what
drives me crazy?
What?

Time we're wasting.

Robin, marry me. Will you?

David, we've been
all through that.

I won't be lobbied into marriage

by over-stimulated glands.

Rob, this is different.

But, David, I want to
marry you out of love,

deep, real and absolute.

I don't want to be
carried away by my own
fermenting juices,

like some girls I know.

When the temperatures
cooled down,
what were they left with?

Corroded hopes,
unfulfilled dreams,
and a house full of children.

Well, no, thanks.
Not for me.
Rob.

That's why the plan
we've worked out
is so perfect, David.

To live together
without sleeping together.

Why, it's an absolutely
brilliant way

to find out if we're compatible.

It's crazy.
Honey, you're asking

for a silk-smooth marital future

without any problems
whatsoever, and there
ain't no such animal.

Well, for Pete's sake,
we can try.

You're wacky, you know that?

You're...
David, it makes
very good sense.

We find out if we have real
character compatibility...
Uh-huh.

...to see if we
fulfill each other's
non-physical needs.

Now, David, you agreed.

I don't agree.

Now, honey, I'm going
along with this thing

because I happen
to be in love with you,

but that doesn't alter
the fact that you are
a genuine, gold-plated kook.

Who ever heard of normal,
supposedly sane people

living together in
such a nutty setup?

David, I want...

All right, all right.
I said I'd go along with it.

Then it's all settled?
Oh, David!

All I have to do now
is find an apartment.

You know,
you're really oblivious.

Nobody goes out around here
and finds an apartment.

I have married friends
who've been
searching for months.

Don't worry about it.
I will find an apartment.

You will find an apartment.
Bye-bye. I have to run.

We're all dying to
know how it works out.
Keep us informed, won't you?

Do you know that
I'm gonna have to
figure out a way

to keep my parents
from finding out?

They'd go screaming berserk
if they knew I was
living with a man.

Your toothbrush
hanging right by Dave's,
side by side.

Ooh! It sounds
so deliciously illicit.
I get goose bumps.

May I say, I don't
think the divorce rate
is the entire picture

of disharmony and discord.

How do you mean?

Well, think of all
the thousands of marriages
where there is not divorce.

People just go
on living together
in mutual dislike.

I agree with Ardice.
And one reason this happens

is because kids get married
before they're
emotionally mature.

They think it's love,
but it's really just intense
physical attraction.

Exactly.

Kids go start necking,
they lose all power
of rational thinking.

There has to be a courtship.

A boy and girl have got
to get to know each other.

In the front seat
of a parked car?

God, when you're
so busy necking,

who's got time for
a character analysis?

Try taking notes.

I did.

All right.

Tomorrow, the first
four chapters of Neurotic
Interaction in Marriage,

edited by
Dr. Victor Eisenstein.
That's all for today.

Oh.

Bye-bye, Irene.

Robin, there was
a call for you yesterday
from San Francisco.

Did you get it?
Yes. It was only Mother.

She wants to know
if you're coming up
for Easter vacation?

I meant to write.
I'll take care of it.

Irene, can I ask you
an impertinent question?

Why, as your teacher
or your aunt?

More as just a woman.

Before you married
Uncle Frank, did you...

Did I what?

You know.

Well, I was hoping
I was mistaken.

I'm not passing moral judgment.

I'm just doing
personal research.

You know, Dave and I haven't.

It's not necessary
to announce that fact.

Robin, sometimes
you can be unnerving.

I just don't want to
make the same mistake
you and Uncle Frank made.

I want my marriage to work.
No divorces for me.

Could we discuss
it another time?

I really have to rush, darling.

Translate the passages
of Homer on page 10 tomorrow,
all right?

Charles.

Hi. Listen, I've got
two whole free periods
to help you move, Irene.

Sure it's not
inconveniencing you?

I'm sure. Hello, Robin.

Hi. Move? Who's moving?

Dr. Howard has kindly
consented to help me move.

From that
divine apartment? Why?

Irene, come on.
We're going to be late.

I'll tell you all
about it tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Irene, has anyone
got your apartment yet?

Irene!

Today's the day,
huh, Miss Wilson?
You need any help?

No, my friend will help me.

I never realized
how much I collected.

I know, filled up with junk.

Look at this place.
Terrible, terrible.

Hey, I had no idea.
This is charming.

A lot of people
find it quite pleasant.

Well, why do you
want to get out of it?

I don't know.
Moving time, I guess.

Those two are ready.
You can take those
down if you want.

All right. Well, I suppose
it's pretty expensive,
too, right?

No, just $75 a month.

$75 a month?

Well, that is unbelievable.
This has to be
the greatest buy in town.

Yes, I guess it is pretty good.

Would you just take
the bags down, Charles?

And you want to move out.
I don't get it.

I don't understand.
$75 a month.

Sorry to be late, darling.

Where were you?

Now, don't you
get me started,
Francis Murphy.

Fine time to bring
a working man his lunch.

Do you realize what time it is?

I spent the whole morning
picking up after you.

Big deal.
Seems to me

you could hang the pajamas up
instead of flinging
them all in the icebox.

And that bathroom!

Liverwurst and
pickle sandwiches.

There's a nice combination
for a man with
a peptic ulcer.

Shaving cream and
old razor blades
every which way, and old...

Excuse me, please.

Who's that?
A friend of Miss Wilson's.

Helping her move.

That poor, dear sweet thing.

I want to go and
say goodbye to her.

Hogan sure gets
a nice turnover here.

Move one out, move another in.

Beats the heck out of marriage.

Find a nice place to live?

Yes, the faculty dorm.
Very nice.

Well, bye.
Sure going to miss you.

Hey, Dorkus.
A beautiful morning, huh?

It's 2:30 in the afternoon,
for your information.

So it is.
Well, it's all a question
of metabolism, you see.

Some of us are day people,
and some of us
are night people.

The mind shudders at what you do

with your nights in this place.

Literally shudders.

Mmm-hmm.

Is that your breakfast?

I feel sorry for people
who don't drink, Dork,

because when they
get up in the morning,

that's as good as
they're gonna feel all day.

Yech!

Hey, say,
did Irene happen to say

what time she was...
All right.

What time she was
moving her things out?

I want to see her
before she goes.

Well, you'd better hurry.

She's over there
loading up right now.

Already?

Anybody home?

Well, hi, there.

I was wondering
if you were going
to say goodbye.

Say, now, you didn't think
I was going to let
you walk out of here

without even
a fare-thee-well, did you?

Is that what you think of me?

Of course not.
I was just waiting
for the right moment.

You know,
it's kind of awkward
saying goodbye.

Yes, I know.
Here's the last
of the jonquils.

The window box is empty.

Last of the jonquils.

Well, it's somehow fitting.

Don't pull that unhappy
bloodhound look on me, Hogan.

I'm really touched.

Hey, you're not really
seriously taking this thing
with you, are you?

I love this thing.
He's dear and sweet.

Look at that face.

I'm gonna take him
with me everywhere

to remind me of
a beautiful relationship.

You're taking
this kind of lightly,
aren't you?

Hogan, it's over.

So why don't you be
a big boy and just stop
talking it to death?

Yeah, well, aren't you
the least bit upset?
There's no remorse?

No.

No little festering acrimony?

Just a teeny weenie bit?

None.

You'd walk out of here
as if nothing ever happened?

Self-protection, darling.

Every woman has
a little bit of it hidden
away in her hip pocket.

Now, wait a minute.
You mean you're not mad?

For heaven's sake,
I told you, I am not mad!

Don't get sore.

I just didn't realize
how little I meant
to you, that's all.

You meant a great deal to me.

I was pretty much
of a wreck when
I moved in here.

My marriage was on the rocks
and the natural depression.

You filled my lonely hours
and made me feel like
a woman.

You put zest in my life
and started all the good
juices flowing in me again.

Well, there must be
a better way of putting that.

You make me sound like
a Carter's Little Liver Pill.

Sorry.
If I meant so much to you,

how come you're walking out?

Because I don't
envision my future
with the man in my life

shuttling back and forth
between apartments.

You're mad?
I am not mad!

Come on, out!
Every poison pocket
of rancor out!

Catharsis!
I don't need catharsis.

Hogan, it is over.
Absolutely and
completely over.

So why don't you just
shut up and stop beating
it into the ground?

You're mad.
Hi.

This is Dr. Howard,
head of the language
department at school.

Mr. Hogan, my landlord.
Hi.

And you're from...

Just across the hall.

Yeah. Well,
it's a very nice place
she's giving up.

Well, thank you.
I was just trying
to convince her

that she shouldn't give it up.

Probably, it's time
she had a change.

Charles, I think
these things are
all ready to go.

All right. Listen, Irene,
this trip is going to
fill up the car, I think.

You don't mind making another?

No, not at all.
We got plenty of time.

Have you got room for one more?

Right here.

Don't bother to help, Hogan.
It's all right.

Let me get the door for you.

Thank you very much,
Mr. Hogan.

Well, goodbye.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Key to the apartment.

I guess that's everything.

Well...

Well, I had that
made especially for you.

It's just a little favor
to ask, but would you
keep it, please?

Perhaps, now and then,
when you look at it,
you'll think of me.

Mr. Hogan, sir.

This bearing's gone
haywire in refrigeration
unit number three,

and Miss Struman's
complaining her disposal
ain't working again.

I thought you'd like to know.

Well, that's one of
those details, Murph.

You're gonna have
to take these things
off my hands.

I got other problems
on my mind, you know.
It's very taxing.

Very taxing.
Hi, Hogey Pogey.

Hi, lover. How are you?

Fine. How are you?

Good. Where was I, Murph?

"Other problems."

Would you take
care of them for me?
Yes, sir.

You just save your energies.

I got the flowers.
They're just beautiful.

Thank you.
You're just so welcome.

But it's embarrassing, Hogey.
Why?

I mean, you keep
sending me those flowers,

and I haven't paid
the rent for just months.

Well, I'll be around
one of these days
to collect it.

You can go easy on that oil,
or you'll slip off the porch.

Cover up, it's peeping Tom,
the friendly landlord.

Thank you, Hogey.
You're adorable.
You really are.

I always say,
"Happy tenants make
a happy landlord."

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Hogan.

Hi, Clyde. Wow!

Hey, buddy!

Apartment for rent?
Where do you
find the landlord?

Well, you're looking at
him, son, but
I never rent to men.

That's a rule of the house.
Besides, I was young
once myself.

I know how wild
you kids can get.

Now, wait a minute, sir.
I'm not like that.

I'm on the track team.

I said, I'm on the track team.

The worst kind.

Pole-vaulting,
high hurdling around here.

This is a very
respectable unit, my boy.

It's all elderly,
family-type folk around here.

Yeah,
chess and checkers group,
maybe a bingo once a month.

Besides, you couldn't
afford the rent.
Try me.

$450 a month.
I can't afford it.

I didn't think you could.

Up in Miss Wilson's.

Can I help you with anything?

No. Are you the new tenant?

No, I'm the landlord.

The landlord.

Yeah. I live right across...

Well, you have
an adorable apartment here.

Well, thank you.
I raced right over

as soon as I heard
it was vacated.

It just slays me
every time I see it.

You've been here before?

Yes, my aunt had it.
Irene Wilson.

Oh! Well, you're the niece
she was always talking about?

I can't understand
why she'd want
to give it up.

It's absolutely dream...

Oh, don't let that bother you.
It sounds like somebody's
strangling, doesn't it?

It's just the pipes
clearing their throats.

Yes.

It doesn't bother me at all.
I think it's just sensational.

Does it have linen
and pots and pans
and all?

Oh, yeah, sure, everything.

It's swell.

And everything's
just in the right place.

That's exactly
so true, isn't it?

You know,
I'm a very bad businesswoman,
raving about it like this.

Why?
The price is
probably sky-high.

$75 a month.

You're kidding?

Too much?

No, no, no. It's wonderful.

I mean, well, $75 is
a lot of money for me,

but I certainly
think it's worth it.

Yeah.

And may I have it, please?

Well, don't you think,
first, we should know
each other's name? I'm Hogan.

Oh. Well, how do you do,
Mr. Hogan?
I'm Robin Austin.

Robin Austin.
But not "Mr. Hogan,"
just Hogan.

None of my tenants
ever call me "mister."
I live right across the hall.

Do you?
That's very nice.
Yeah.

Do you want to see references
or something like that?

You've already shown me
your references.

What?

No, that won't be necessary.

We'll get to those
nasty little details,

like a lease and all,
some later day? Huh?

You mean, that's it?
That's it.

There you are.
There's the key,
and welcome to the Centaur.

What an adorable key.
And heart-shaped, too.

Oh, my... Oh.
Hmm?

I forgot to tell you something.

I'll be having a roommate.

Now, wait a minute...
Mr. Hogan,

please don't
spoil everything.
We'll be very quiet.

My word of honor. Please.

Yes, I know,
you see, but I can't.

I mean, I've never had
two people in one unit.

What does your roommate
look like?

Well, taller than I am,

very attractive, and dark hair.

Well, it might not be
too bad with a blonde
and a brunette...

I mean, two of you
is just twice as much as
one of you, isn't it?

Then it's okay?

I can't wait.

Well, thank you
very much, Mr. Hogan.

And I'm sure
we're going to be
the best of friends.

Aren't we ever.
I live right across the hall.

Yes, you said that before.
Yeah. Listen,
where are you going?

Well, I'm going
to dash home and
pack my things.

I want to move in right away.

Thanks again,
Mr. Hogan, for every...

Not "mister," just "Hogan."

And don't you forget,
if I can help you and
your roommate in any way,

why, you just knock
on that door.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Sweet thing.

Mind your own business.

Bye-bye.

It's so exciting.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hi, David.

Something wrong?

Nothing.

Boy, these really smell good.

The jonquils are in bloom again.

Mother Nature constantly
replenishing herself.

Say, speaking of
replenishing, wifey tells
me we've got a new tenant.

Yeah, how about that?
Female.

That's right.
Two females.

That's right.

I like his style.

I hate to see you go,
Miss Wilson.
Can I help you with anything?

No, no, thank you, Murphy.
Bye-bye.

Bye.

Robin!

Hi, Irene. How are you?
I didn't see you.

Well, for heaven's sakes,
what are you doing here?

I was going to call you
and tell you the big news.

I got your apartment.

What do you mean, got it?

I took it. It's mine.

You're moving out of
the sorority house?

Yes, isn't it wonderful?

Did you tell your mother?

Irene, don't be a spoilsport.

You know Mother
would never agree

to let me have my own apartment.

She can't get used to
the idea I've grown up.

Look, Irene,
I'm dying to move in.

So why don't you
come over tomorrow

for coffee and we'll talk, okay?

And remember,
not a word to Mother.

And I'll see you
tomorrow before class.

Bye-bye.

What's wrong?
Nothing.

I hope.

What do you think?

Seventy-five bucks a month!

Isn't it adorable?

Well, yeah, but it's
worth more than that.

You sure your landlord
didn't say $175?

No, he said $75.

It's crazy.

Who cares?
It's mine and
it's beautiful.

Aren't you going to bring up
the folding bed?

The bed. Rob, I tell you,
I think I'll wait
until after dark.

You know,
appearances and everything.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Seventy-five bucks a month.

Your landlord must
have rocks in his head.

Well, there it is.
The oven's set at 300,

and your roast will
be done by 8:00 sharp.

Lovely, lovely.

I don't approve of
this kind of goings-on,

but I'm being paid to do a job,

so I'll keep my mouth shut.
Good.

Except I know what
you've got in your mind.

You're not fooling
me for one minute

with this cozy
little dinner for three.

Gee whiz, there you go again.

Inviting those girls next door

for an evening of
heavens-knows-what.

I'm just trying to be friendly.

It's my way
of saying "Welcome."

Sure. Some welcome.

Dorkus, what are you doing?

Dorkus, will you
cut it out, please?

Now, come on.

Dorkus, will you cut that...
Now, come on, stop that.

Stop playing with my controls.

Now, I'm warning you...

This place ought to be raided.

I'm ready, honey.
Evening, Hogan.

Wait till I get my hat and coat!

That wife of yours, boy!

Wow! You sure got yourself
a nice little workshop here,
Hogan.

Huh?
Makes me wish

I was a couple of years younger.

Oh, oh. Yeah, well,
good judgment.

Have yourself a drink
while you're waiting
for your wife.

Thanks, buddy.

Boy, could I operate
with a setup like this.

You marvelous creature, you.

Lay back and tell me
all about yourself.

No, no, from the very beginning,

when you were
a darling little girl.

And take it real slow.

Murph!

What are you doing?

Nothing, honey.

Come on, we're going home.

Yeah, I'm coming.

Yoo-hoo!

Hello.

Hello.

I'm the housekeeper for Hogan.

I thought I'd just
peek in and say welcome.

The name is Dorkus.
How do you do?

I'm Robin Austin.
How do you do?

If you ever need anything,
just call on me.

Well, that's very nice
of you. Thank you.

Is your roommate around?

No, just downstairs
getting some things
out of the car.

Well, I probably
ought to keep my mouth shut,

but you appear to be
such a sweet young thing.

It's about your landlord.

Hogan?
What about him?

Well, he's single.

And he's very active
in certain fields.

They say this is
the age of specialization,

and he's come up
with a pretty good one.

I'm afraid I don't follow.

Well, I guess what
I'm trying to tell you

is there have been
lots of young ladies

in this apartment before you,
and he's been very
successful with them.

Him?
Him!

Well, there's no accounting
for some people's taste,
is there?

Well, the point is,
he's under the
distinct impression

that you're the next in line.

Did he say that?

He didn't come
right out and say it,

but I know he's thinking it.

He is really a sneaking,
crawling, dirty man,
that's what he is.

Well, thanks for
tipping me off, Dorkus,
but don't worry.

I can take care of myself.

Don't forget I warned you.

Warn your roommate.

Dorkus...
Or is it Mrs. Dorkus, or...

Murphy.
Murphy.

Mrs. Murphy,
this is Dave Manning.

Dave Manning, Mrs. Murphy.

She works for Mr. Hogan.

Hi.

How do you...

No, no, no,
that's not for me.
You see...

Honey,
she's bound to find out
sooner or later.

Yeah. Well, then,
it's not what
it appears to be.

I'd like to explain
our arrangement, Mrs...

Hush. Please.

Don't say another word.

There's no need to explain.

It's beautiful, just beautiful.

My blessings on you both.

It's not like that...

What divine justice
this is for somebody!

Bless you,
bless you both. Bye.

Bye.

Are you in
for a surprise tonight.

What's so amusing?

I'll tell you when we get home.

I can't wait for some
of that home cooking.

You inventive little devil, you.

Bye, honey.
I'll be back in a second.

* Once more into the breach,
my boy *

Oh.

Hey, there!

Don't be startled.
It's just me, Hogan.
Got a little gift.

I hope you like them.
I grow them myself.

It's just a way of saying,
"Welcome,"

and I do hope that we'll be
the very best of friends.

Well, hi, there.

Who the hell are you?

Hogan.
I live across the hall.

Yeah. Keep talking.

Well, give me just
a couple of seconds
to collect my wits, will you?

Believe me, it isn't easy.
What isn't easy?

You know, it's a bit
of a shock to see you
come through the door there

with a towel
wrapped around you
like that and all...

Well, now,
wait a minute, buddy...
I expected to see someone

a little daintier than you,
without hair all
over their chest.

Well, now, look here...
Who's shocked?

You know,
I'm in there shaving,
minding my own business,

and suddenly a man
brings me flowers.

Yeah, well, I can see
the confusion works
both ways, doesn't it?

Well, it certainly does.

How did you get in here?
Your door was open.

No, no, no,
the door was not open.
The door was closed.

How'd you get in?
What do you want?

Hogan. I live just
across the way,

and I dropped in
to say welcome, and...

Well, just drop back
across the way, okay?

And next time, knock!

Hi, Hogan.

There you are, my dear.

Hi, I just dashed out
to get some groceries.

Here. I thought these
might help brighten up
your new apartment.

I grow them myself here.

Well, aren't you the dearest,

sweetest person in the world.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.

Can I give you
a hand with those?

No, they're not heavy.

Hey, look, this is...
It's kind of awkward.

I guess I'd better just
come right out and say it.

There's a man in
your apartment, there.

Had soap all over his face.
I think he was shaving
when I went in there.

His name is David. Yes.

Well,
it's perfectly all right.
I mean, it's your apartment.

You do with it what you want.

I just thought that you
should know that I knew
about the young man.

His name is David.

You said that.

He seems like
a very nice young fellow.
We...

Probably madly in
love with you, huh?

We plan to get married
after he graduates.

I wish you the very best.

Incidentally,
I had my servant whip up
a little dinner.

I thought maybe you
and your girlfriend
would like to join me.

Girlfriend?
Yeah, your roommate.

Oh.

Well, I appreciate it.

Well, thanks a lot,
and that's very kind
of you, but I'm bushed.

Maybe some other evening.

Thanks again for the flowers.
They're just beautiful.

Good night, Hogan.
Good night.

Hello, I'm home.

Hi, honey.

Hey, listen to this.
While you were gone,

some nut from
across the hall comes in,
and he's got...

That's one of the things
we're going to have to watch.

All right, I'll get a robe.

I don't think either
of us should walk around
in panties, slips or towels.

Things are going
to be tough enough
as it is, okay?

Yeah, okay.
Well, anyway, what I
was going to tell you,

this nut from
across the way comes in,
and he's got these...

That's Hogan.
He's our landlord.

Our landlord?

He's a very
dear sweet fellow,
absolutely harmless.

Well, what's he hanging
around here for?

I have no idea.

Rob.
Yeah?

I've been giving us
some more thought,
you know,

and I'm not sure how I feel
about this whole setup.

Well, that's
absolutely charming.

Our first night, we've hardly
finished unpacking,

and already you have doubts.

Yeah, well,
now that I've moved in,

I can see what I've
let myself in for.

Honey, this is
an abnormal relationship
between us.

It's not abnormal!
Yes, it is.

Why, how can you talk like that?

Well...

The whole idea
was to live together
without sleeping together.

I know. I know.

Well, to get to know each other,

to find out if we have real,
honest-to-goodness
character compatibility,

to reveal ourselves,
to exchange confidences.

Yeah.

Robin, you're using
a lot of big words that don't
make a lot of sense.

Well,
if that doesn't
make sense...

I mean,
"character compatibility"
and all that junk.

I know it sounds good, honey,

but ever since
I came back to do
post-graduate work...

We're going steady
and living together, David.

In the history
of man and woman,
nobody has embarked...

David, don't make...

I'm hardly old-fashioned!

This isn't
living together, either.

Maybe by your definition,
but not by mine.

David...

A man and woman
decide to live together,

for crying out loud,
let them live together!

Not lying around
eating breakfast and

playing musical chairs
for the bathroom,

sleeping on cots
and things like this...

All right, get away.

Get out!

You're in the...
Go on, get out!

Come on,
get out of there, please.

Now, that's what we
agreed to, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah,
that's what we agreed to.

We didn't make
love before, Dave.

No.

Well, this will be
just the same,

except that we'll
be together more.

No, it's not the same, Robin.

Before, when I left you,
I could go home

and ease my tortured body
under a cold shower.

So shower here.

Oh, yeah,
with you rustling around
in your sexy underthings.

I'll spend every waking hour
under a running faucet.

I admit the plan
has a few flaws.
Flaws?

Well, I'll go along
with you there. Honey,
what about my libido?

Well, what about me?
I'm subject to the same
intoxications you are.

No, you're not.
No, you're...
What?

Well, you're not!
Women have had centuries
to perfect their willpower.

Well, if you're going
to be flip about it,

maybe we should call
the whole thing off.

Now don't be
touchy about it, Robin.

You're always going
to make it look like
I tried to force you into it.

Will you just
hold your voice down
for a minute?

All I said was...

You made a bargain
and you broke it.

I didn't break anything.
Yes, you did.

I was standing here,
calmly trying to...

I should have known better.

That's what I should have known.

You're turning into
a little screamer, Robin.

Well, look,
why don't we just
call the whole thing off?

Why not?
Well, I just
might do that.

Well, go ahead.
Okay,

if you want to be
that way about it, okay.

Goodbye!
Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Dave!

Dave, I'm sorry!

I forgot I wasn't dressed.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
argue like that.

It was my fault, anyway.

Come on back.

Come on. Come on back.

Oh, no...

I had no right to be angry.

Well, I shouldn't
have complained.

I made a bargain,
and I'm going
to stick to it.

You forgive me?
Yes.

We'll probably have
to cut that out completely.

Yeah. We don't want
to go down in defeat
before we even begin.

Listen, let's do
something symbolic.

Like what?

Get your toothbrush.

A toothbrush?

I'll meet you in the bathroom.

Toothbrush.

Oh, my...

There.

With this toothbrush,
I do thee wed.

Aren't they adorable?
Side by side.

A position forbidden to us.

Well, I think it's about
time we should get to bed.
To sleep.

Separately.

In two different beds, yeah.

Yeah.

When do you like
to take a shower?

Nights, usually.

Me, too.
But I'll take mornings.

No, no, it makes
no difference to me.

Well, we could trade off.

I don't think
that's such a good idea.

All we'd have to do
is get the schedule
mixed up once and that's it.

True. And that'd be the end
of our good intentions.

Yeah.

Well, I think
I'll take my shower now.

Cover up, I'm coming through.

Hi, there.

Did I scare you?

How do you keep
getting in here?
The door was open again.

You gotta watch that.
Yeah, Hogan.
Just across the way.

Yeah, I know you
live across the way.
What are you doing in here?

I happen to own the building.
Okay, you own the building.

As the landlord,
I have certain rights.

Of reasonable entry.

Do you know it's
10:00 at night?

That's not
reasonable entry, pal.

Listen, can I speak
to you as a friend?

No, no, you may not.
I want you to understand.

You don't have to be nice
to me just because
I happen to be the landlord

and have
the right to evict you
in a moment's notice.

Excuse me, I have to...
What?

You know, I've been
mulling this situation.

Now, as I get it,
you are to occupy
these premises

on a sort of connubial,
non-conjugal basis,
is that it?

What'd she do,
throw it open for
panel discussion?

Don't be silly.
I eavesdrop.

It seems to me what
we have before us...

Now, wait just a minute.
"What we have before us"?

You gotta keep
an eye on me, boy.

Now and then,
I just get a little pushy.

Yeah, well...
Let me say

that what you have before you

is a very
highly-efficient piece
of feminine rationalization.

Miss Robin Austin.
Now let's just take her.

Young, very good manners,
devoted to her parents
and all of their influences,

and kind to
old ladies and animals
and all of that.

But she is blossoming into
a full, robust womanhood.

Well, I hate to
mention this, but those
flowers aren't real.

Well, that doesn't matter

because there wasn't
any water in the can,
anyway.

See what I mean?

Here she is, blossoming,
but she was taught
in her formative years

that very properly,
a young girl forgoes

any of the unmentionable
physical endeavors.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. And you're leaving.
I'm sorry,

I don't care if you
are the landlord...

I have more experience.
...but good night!

The kid's impetuous.

All right, let's just look
at it as if you were

having a talk
with your minister.

Out!

Boy, he's in trouble...

Honey, who are you talking to?

Good evening, my dear.

How pretty you look
in that adorable
little outfit there.

What? Oh!

Where is Dave?
Dave who?

I wonder who that
could be at this hour.

Well, what are you
doing out there?

Well, I just...

Honey, I want you
to meet our landlord,
Mr. Hogan.

Yeah, we've met.

David, stop that!
David, please,
take your hands off him!

David, really.
I'm terribly sorry.

He's very rude.

Actually, I thought
it might be a nice time

for all of us to discuss
the new clauses
in your lease.

What new clauses?

You naughty little thing, you.

You led me to
believe another girl
was moving in here with you.

I can explain that, really.

No, it's not necessary,
no apologies.

It's just you do understand
I'll have to make
a few minor adjustments

in the lease due to
the unorthodox nature
of this arrangement.

Well, it's all
perfectly proper.
Yeah, we...

I know that, and you know it,

but does Captain Fogarty
of the vice squad know it?

Vice squad?

He's talking
through his hat, honey.

Well, fortunately,
I found a solution.
It's very simple.

I just put you down
on the lease under
a fictitious name.

What?
Yeah, Vern Johnson

and Alma Hammerschlod.

Well, Hogan, I really
think I should explain
all this to you.

You see...
Well, let me tell you about
Dave Manning and myself.

Now, wait a minute, honey.
It's none of his business.

Why don't you just
run back upstairs

and let us men
conclude this discussion?

Well, he is the landlord.
You wouldn't want me
to be rude?

Believe me,
he wouldn't even notice.
Now,

like a good girl, huh?

Well, if you two gentlemen
can get along without me.

Yeah, fine.

Well, thank you for
the flowers, Hogan.

Good night, you sweet thing.

Good night.

You sleep tight
and undisturbed, I hope.

Okay, Hogan, now let's
clear the air, huh?

Let's get everything said.
Lay it on the line.

What is this little game?

Heart murmur.
Doc likes me to check it
now and then.

Let's talk, man to man.
Yeah.

Now, do you really, honestly,
intend to live here

with that absolutely,
breathtakingly
adorable creature

and never even consider yum-yum?

What are you talking about?

Fraternity man?

Yeah, yeah, Delta Chi.
Delta...

Come on. Come on.

Well, I don't...

I don't keep up
in it, you know.
Come on.

A fellow Delta!
Now, how about that!

How wonderful
to have a brother
living right next...

Well, that changes everything.

Now, I'm honor bound
to tell you.

Tell me what?

Well, this arrangement
will never work.

Why not?

Friend, you... Brother.

Well, deep down where you live,

in the secret
recesses of your libido,

you know it's impossible.
Well, I don't...

With that gorgeous,
undulating creature
20 feet away?

Separated only by
the gossamer-thin line
of your willpower?

Well, not in one million years.

Well, I intend to try.

She trusts me, you know.

There's only one
possible solution.

What's that?

Exercise.

Exercise?

Well, down through the ages,

the only known
substitute for sex
is physical exertion.

Well, take athletes.
No trouble with
their libidos.

Yeah.
They just don't have any.

It all goes onto
the playing field.

Why do you think that schools
stress sports so much?

Well, I guess it's...
Keeps the rate
of hanky-panky

down to a minimum.

I never thought
too much about that.

You got any barbells
or Indian clubs or weights

or medicine balls,
or any of that stuff?

No, I don't go in...

Well, that's your only hope.

I suggest that you
just wear yourself out

with the pushups
and the sit-ups
and the deep knee bends, too.

Every time that
your little thoughts
turn to yum-yum, you push up.

Push up! Yeah,
that's the only solution.
Yeah.

Dave, is he gone?

Yeah, yeah, honey.

Thanks a lot, Hogan.
I really appreciate this.

Well,
what are you doing, boy?
You're leaving.

Well, I'm not through yet.
Yes, you are.
Good night, Hogan.

Honey, let me
help you with that.

I meant to do it.
I can do it.

No, no, no, no.
That's woman's work.

Well, I just thought
this arrangement

would give us
the least amount of contact

during the difficult hours.

Yeah.

It might be
a little inconvenient,

but I think it's important
to keep enticements

down to a minimum, don't you?

Yeah.

I would...

Excuse me.

It's my fault.
I was over...
"It's woman's work."

That's one of the things
we're going to have to watch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob, I tell you
what I was thinking...

David, good night.

Rob.

Come here.
Come here.

Good night.

Get out! Get off of there!

Dave, what's that noise?

What are you doing down there?

Nothing, Rob.
You wouldn't understand.

Good night, Rob.

Thirty seconds after blast off,

the rocket had cleared
its primary entry and
was reported on course.

Astronaut Mitchell says
he's feeling exhilarated

and the view is spectacular.
In Rome today...

Take these, and get off my back.

Have a good morning.

Good morning, Murphy.

My, ain't we the early bird.

I'll get it for you, Miss Page.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Looks like you
run out of material.

Murph!

We were just talking about
a leak in her sink.

Mr. Hogan! What were you
doing in there, boy?

Here, take my handkerchief.
Murphy.

What?

Get rid of that cat.

I'll get rid of her,
Mr. Hogan.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Come on, let's get you dry.
Were you out there all night?

I don't want to ask you now,
but when you got a minute,

I'd sure love to hear
about last night.

After a nice hot shower
and a little rest,

you'll be our old Hogan again.

What happened to him?

Found him in the bushes.

Must have been a heck
of a party last night.

Oh, Murph.

Man, he's really living.

Well, okay.
Honey.

What?
Love you.

Love you.

Mr. Architect,
you forgot your
drafting books.

I gotta be cracking up.
Okay, now, drive slowly.

Yeah, okay.
You sure you want
to cut classes today?

Positive.
I have a lot of things
I have to get settled.

I want to stock
the kitchen properly,

I have to go to the laundromat.

And I want to cook you the most

scrumptious dinner tonight,
wait and see.

Okay. So long.

Bye-bye.

One more time.

Maybe I'll stay home
from class today, too.

David, go to school.
Mmm-hmm.

Yes. Well, you know,
we have to work out
the shower arrangements

and all of that sort of thing.

Hi, Irene. I'll call you
back later, August.

Do you want some coffee
or something like that?

Robin,
I'm not going to waste time
with pleasantries.

I saw David Manning
leave just now.

Now, what's going on?

Now, wait, it's not
like that at all.

I invited Dave to move in.

Yes! On a perfectly
proper basis.

He sleeps there,
and I sleep way up there.

Way up there. My, my,
that's all of 20 feet.

We're living
together platonically

to determine our
character compatibility.

Character compatibility?

Why, yes.

Well, you're a grown girl now,

and you can carry
investigation too far.

What have we done?

But you know what...

You mean he really sleeps here?

Cross my heart.

And David goes along
with this arrangement?

Why, he's absolutely
aligned with me

in this noble and
beautiful experiment
of the mind.

Sometimes,
I think my students
should be teaching me.

You know what I said,
it just might all work out.

Miss Wilson!
Dorkus.

Good morning, Dorkus.
Hi, Robin.

Well, don't worry
about me, Irene. Okay?

I'll try not to.

I'll see you later.

You get settled
in some place nice?

What can I tell you?
It's a roof over my head.

Is Hogan around?

He went to the barber shop.

Have time for a cup of coffee?

Love it.
Made some fresh. Good.

Well, what I was
worried about,
quite frankly,

was Robin living
next door to Hogan.

Shows what kind
of a suspicious mind I have.

Why shouldn't you?

Because I'm skeptical,
mistrusting,

jealous and all those
horrible female things

I keep teaching
my girls not to be.

Why, just because I moved out,

should I think that Hogan
would want to take
advantage of my niece?

Why indeed.

You know, I think
I understand Hogan now.

You know what he is?

A poor, lost, lonely little boy

who looked for love
and understanding from me.

You know,
for a college professor,

you can be pretty stupid
about some things.

No, no, no, no,
that's one thing I do know.
The psychology of the child.

I majored in it.

And Hogan is a child.

Just look at this place.

You know what it is?
It's a playpen.

And that dear little
gorilla doll he gave me.

That's the gift
of a poor, lost,
lonely little boy.

Before I throw up, and I may,

let me show you
what Hogan majored in.

Majored in?
Right this way.

Here's the poor,
lost, lonely boy's
closet of playthings.

Hogan's private zoo.

There you are.

For a 39-cent gorilla,
he made a monkey out of you.

"Beautiful relationship."

Now over here,
we have his
private key shop.

Anybody for heart-shaped keys?

My very own key.
"Think of me." Hmm?

Let us do a little history
of this apartment unit

of poor lonely Hogan's.

I came to work
for him about 1959.

That was the year
Ericka had your apartment.

She was a stripper
in a beer joint.

Ericka!

Then there was Cheryl.
She was a very
private secretary.

Cheryl?

Then Elise. I never
did know what she did.

Elise?

Gretchen, she was a nurse.

Gretchen?
Sybil Jane.

Sybil Jane?

Why, Irene, honey,
what a pleasant surprise.

What was that all about?

Ericka.

Josie, Betty Jane, Monique,
and all those others.

I could just brain you!

Well, as I...
Before you, dear,

I mean, I was a bachelor
with my own apartment house.

How utterly convenient.

Had a lot of
fertile fields to plow?

Beats walking the streets.

To think I believed you.

"Your very own red key,
think only of me."

Ooh!
Darn you! Darn you!
Darn you! Darn you!

What are you so mad at?
Nothing.
Nothing at all!

I accepted the end of our affair

like a gentleman.
I did not go storming
into your beauty parlor

creating a ridiculous scene
like this.

I'm getting sick and tired
and fed up of you girls

just wandering
in and out of my life

and my apartment house
at your own discretion,

taking advantage
of my good nature.

How do you think
it feels to know

that I'm nothing, more or less,

but a tonic for what ails women?

Do you know
the frustrating
story of my life?

Refreshing without filling!

You'll forgive
that expression,
won't you, my dear?

Will you keep your voice down?

No, I won't keep my voice down!

I want all my
fellow men to know
how I've been utilized!

You've been...

Yes, I've been utilized!

She wants me to stand idly by

while she brings a friend in,
not to break the continuity.

Well, no dice.
You're a nut.

He is. He really is.
Let me tell you
something else.

This child is
absolutely wonderful.
Bright, young, eager,

a body that will not quit.
Don't think this
lady hasn't filled

that sweet young thing
in on my physical
qualifications.

Oh-ho! Hee-hee!

Merciful heavens,
will there never be
a respite?

Bravo!

Did he mind sleeping out here?

No, he was very sweet about it.

Hi, there.
Hi.

Girls, girls, girls.

I want you to meet
my landlord, Mr. Hogan.

No "mister," just Hogan,
from across the hall.

Well, don't let me
intrude now.
How do you do?

Would you like
a piece of coffee cake?

No thank you, my dear.

We're having a coffee klatch.
Oh.

You know, this is unbelievable.

How can one girl have so many
attractive girlfriends?

Thank you.
The last time
I was alone

with this many beautiful girls

was when I was a little sprite.

There was
a campfire girls' meeting
up the hill, you know,

and I snuck in there
and let all the air out
of the marshmallows.

Murph!

Just doing
a little pruning, honey.

Nice meeting you, Hogan.

Thanks for all
those funny stories.

Bye-bye, Robin.
Goodbye.

Goodbye.
Nice to have
seen you.

Goodbye, Hogan.
Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Awfully nice to have seen you.

Come again soon. Bye-bye.

What a charming bevy.

Goodbye, Hogan.
I don't have to leave yet.

Hogan, I do have things
I have to do.

Such as the laundromat,
Piggly Wiggly market,
shoemaker.

I'm very...
Well, good.
I have nothing to do,

and I'll do it with you.
Well, I don't want to impose.

Well, it's not an imposition.
You'd be doing me a favor.

I'd be alone all day,
and I hate that.

And besides,
I love to Piggle and Wiggle
and wash little things.

Here, let me take that.
Not one more word from you.

You just consider old Hogan
your slave for the day.

You know, I feel kind
of deliciously guilty
about skipping classes today.

Good for the soul,
you sweet thing.

I used to be
a college man myself,
you know.

Pre-med,
engineering, horticulture,
one or two others, there.

Kicked out of
three universities.

That's too bad.

Well, not really.
I think it worked
out for the best.

I find I function
better in the fiery
crucible of life,

mixing with people, you know?

Hogan,
exactly what do you do?
Hmm?

About what?
For a living, you mean?

Yes, I think that's what I mean.

I own the apartment building.

Oh!
Well, it's not
really my fault.

You see, my antecedents
came to California
with the pioneers,

and now I'm
stuck with property
all over the place.

Well, that's too bad.
Yeah.

It's all I can do to
forgive my grandfather
for leaving me so well off.

I've been sort of, I don't know,

deprived of the
healthy natural struggle
for existence

by being too rich.

Well, we all have
our crosses to bear.

Yeah, isn't that the truth.

Here I am, forced
to eke out my pleasures
in other areas.

Like what?

What are we doing here?

Well, it seems
like such a natural
spot for a picnic.

Hogan,
I have a million things
I have to get done now.

I'm very busy.
Rare bottle of Chablis.

And chilled, too.

Take me to the supermarket.

The supermarket?
Are you sure?
I am positive.

Thanks for helping me, Hogan.

It's awfully nice of you.

My pleasure.

Just put it
over there, okay?
Uh-huh.

Right here.
Can you manage?
Yep.

Okay.

Hogan, I've practically
wasted your whole day.

Shouldn't you be
doing something?

No, nothing to do.

Just hang around
and help you.
Say, listen...

What?

...sweet thing,
some night,
Bill... Dave...

Dave.
If he has to work,
or if he's too tired,

I want you to feel free
to just pop across that hall

and knock on old Hogan's door,

and let me take
you out to dinner.
Will you do that?

Well, thank you very much,
but Dave has so much energy,

he practically never gets tired.

Oh. Good.

It'll be such
fun fixing dinner
for the man you love.

Oh! Oh. And I want to
thank you for helping me
select this wine.

Dave just loves wine.

It's going to be so beautiful
and romantic and...

Dave is just going to love it.

Yeah.
And with all that energy...

What?
I just remembered
something I forgot.

What?
I've gotta pop off,
and I'll see you later, huh?

Okay, goodbye.
Thanks for everything.

Pas de quoi, you sweet thing.

My energy is
just fine, thanks!
Shh!

I'm only trying to help you.

Yeah, yeah.

You remember last night?
I remember last night.

If you think last
night was rough, buster,

you wait and see
what she's got in store
for you tonight.

Even the pushups
aren't going to help you.

You'll be
a goner before dessert.

I appreciate
your concern, Hogan,

but what are you talking about?

Well, don't you see,
your big problem is

you got too much energy, right?

Now I'm asking you, man to man,

give that sweet
trusting child a fair break.

Exhaust yourself before tonight.

You're starting that
substitute-for-sex
routine again...

It's true!

You ask any middle-aged man.

They don't have
any problem
with carnal desire.

They come home
from the office
too pooped to care.

Yeah.
We've got to
exhaust you, my boy,

and before tonight.
Please, will you...

Please, trust me.

I'm doing this for your good.

Will you put
your trust in me? Huh?

Hi, honey, welcome home.

What?

I got a muscle spasm.
What?

Under the shoulder, honey.
It's kinked up a little.

You poor sweet lamb.

I'm awfully...
Here, let me help you.

Here. My poor baby.
Come on.

That was delivered for you
about 10 minutes ago.
There's a note on it.

What's it for?

Well, it's for exercise.
Oh.

They brought all
this other stuff, too.

Did you buy it?

No, no. It's...
Who's it from?

It's from a friend.

Isn't that nice?

Well, honey,
I'm so glad you're taking
an interest in sports.

Uh-huh.
Well, I mean, it'll be
a little problem storing it,

but as long as
you're healthy,
happy and all of that.

Okay. Well, dinner
will be ready in a minute.

I'm going to go
watch everything, okay?

Oh, boy.

You know, I never had a brother,

so I don't know much
about men's interest
in sports.

But I think a good wife
should take an interest.
Don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Honey, how would
you like it if I took
golf lessons

after we're married?

Yeah, yeah,
it would be a good idea.

What'd you say?

I wonder who that is.

Mr. Dave Manning?

Dave, it's for you.

Yeah, what is it?

Oh, my goodness.

I've never seen
anything like that.

Excuse me.

Yes.
Sign here, sir.

Oh, my... They're real.

Nice evening, isn't it, missus?

No, it's miss.

They're beautiful.
Thank you.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

There you go.
Well, thank you, sir.

Well, good night, folks.

Good night.

Like the sign says, good luck.

I wonder what's going on.
There's no note to it.
Who could have sent it?

I think it's from Hogan.

But what for?

Midterms. I think
I mentioned that to him.

Well, isn't he
the dearest thing?

To take all that
time and expense

just to think of you.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a doll.

I almost forgot.

I'll get into the hang of it
before the week is out.

A nice, ice-cold martini
for when my poor,
hard-working man...

Honey?

Are you asleep?

To me.

Hi, I'm sorry
to bother you
at this time of night.

Could I borrow a cup of sugar?

Why, sure. Come on in.

Thanks.

Be careful
with the door. Dave's asleep.

I'll just tippy-toe
like a little mouse.

Whatever happened to him?

I don't know.

Well, he came home
exhausted, poor thing.

I didn't have
the heart to wake him.

Martini is my
favorite soft drink.

Shh!
Shh!

Help yourself.

Thank you.

I'll go get the sugar, okay?

What are you
cooking over there?
Hmm?

Just a lonely
little bachelor's dinner.

With a cup of sugar?

Listen, I've got a thought.

Here's your sugar.
Thanks.

Your dinner's going
to waste, and I hate
cooking for myself,

so why don't you
and I just sneak out
and grab a fast bite?

Well, thanks a lot,
but I really couldn't.

You can't rattle around
here with pots and pans.

You're going to
wake that boy up.

Well, that's true.

This kid is exhausted.
I'm worried.

I mean, he needs
his sleep if he wants
to get good marks, you know.

Well, I don't know...
Listen, I know
a wonderful little

hole-in-the-wall.
It's right
around the corner.

We can just grab
a hamburger and some beans.

Just an inexpensive
little joint.

Okay with you, you sweet thing?

Bravo.

He found a '28 Romanee.
It's my favorite wine.

This is what you call
"inexpensive little joint"?

Well, it's
an economic necessity.

The bank requested
that I get rid
of excess cash.

It's cluttering up
their vaults.
Where was I?

You were saying
something about diversity.
Yeah.

I didn't understand
a word of it.

Well, I'll see if I can
put it a different way.

Well, there must be
200 restaurants in this town.

Who's he with?
My niece, Robin.

Robin?
What's he doing with her?

I have no idea.

I hope.

Now, look,
let's not start worrying
about her. She's a big girl.

Now, let's see.

One needs a yardstick
to judge everything,
you see.

Even men, for instance.

Well, let's take men
as a for-instance.

Again, diversity.

Now, there's a little
rhyme that I've made up.

"Men are like cantaloupes,
may I tell you why?"
Why?

"To appreciate a good one,

"a thousand you should try!"

You didn't make
that up. No.
No, I didn't.

Well, maybe
I read it somewhere.
But how true it is.

Well, now, take you
and Dave, how much better
off you are with him

than with someone
like me, for instance.

I mean, what have
I got to offer a beautiful,
young girl like you?

Except possibly
unlimited funds
and vapid, empty delight.

You'll be happy to know,
now that we're
better acquainted,

I can honestly state
we have no problem at all.

Fortunately,
you leave me cold.
What?

Not that you aren't
one of the most ravishingly
beautiful creatures

I've ever seen,
but I don't know,
it's your mind.

My what?
I admire your mind
so much,

I barely notice
that you have a body.

No offense.
No, no.

We're going to get
along marvelously.

Of course,
one really should
take into account

how unimportant
a liaison with me
would be,

should we feel one coming on.

A liaison of the mind.
You admire my mind
so much, remember?

Unfortunately,
Mother Nature,
in her infinite wisdom,

has endowed me with
other cravings, too.

I'd better warn you
that when invidious
forces take hold of me,

I'm not above
craft and cunning
to achieve my objective.

I'll keep my eyes open.

Good girl. Be alert,

because
sometimes these devices
are so well-concealed,

I don't even see
them coming on myself.

Thanks for
a lovely evening, Hogan.

You're welcome.
It is fun, isn't it?

Come on over.
We'll have a little
nightcap at my place.

I got a hit record
I want to show you.
Hey, this way.

Good night, Hogan.

Now, look, look, now,
we've barely begun to fight.

The evening is
very young, you know.

Hi, there,
old buddy-bud.
Come on.

Hi, honey, did we wake you?

Do you realize it's
2:30 in the morning?

Well, I didn't want
to disturb you,

and Hogan very considerately
asked me out.

Swell. Swell.
So you just left me
on the couch over there,

passed out like
cold mashed potatoes,
on the couch.

No hard feelings, pal.

Let's all step in
and discuss it over
a friendly, stirring cup.

No, we're not stepping in.
You're stepping out.

That's no way to
treat a brother.

Out, Hogan!

You're angry, aren't you?

No. Why should I be angry?

My girl,
out with another man,
leaves me without even a note

to tell me where
she's going to be.
Why should I be angry?

Who collapsed on
the couch after
I slaved all day

over that lovely dinner?

I was pooped!
What's the matter?

It's a kink.

If you had been
through what I have
been through today,

and no sleep last night...
We're fighting again.

You're very good
at definitions.
This is a fight.

All right, I'm sorry.
It's my fault.

I shouldn't have gone out.

Rob, honey,
it's more my fault
than it was yours.

I'm exhausted
and I got angry.
No, no. I got angry.

Because of that nut.
No, I got angry.

No, it was my fault.
No, really, I did.

Hey, let's not
get into a fight
over who started the fight.

Okay.

Anyway, we're
both sorry. Huh?

Yes.

Rob, we'd better knock that off.

I tell you, I'm tired
and my resistance
to you is low.

Well, if you're so tired,
how could you
even think of sex?

Well, I'm not that tired.

Dave, you get to bed.

And I want you to
get a lot of rest.

Yeah, Rob...
And sleep well,

'cause you have to go to school

bright and early
tomorrow morning,

and I've kept you
up so late already.

Good night, you gorgeous thing.

What's that?

Nothing, honey.

Just stubbed my toe.
Go to sleep now.

Good night.

Okay.

Sorry, it's just
the water pipes.

Good night. Sleep tight.

I'll give it the big try.

Shh! Don't strike a match.
I thought I smelled gas.

Gas.
I scurried over
as fast as I could

to warn you.

Okay, thanks, Hogan.

When did you
first smell the gas?

I was out watering my flowers.

There's nothing
more frightening
than the smell of gas.

She probably left this oven on.

Thought I smelled electricity?

Can't be too careful.
Hey, now that
you're wide awake,

it's as good a time as any
to get into this situation

between you and Robin in-depth.

Now, listen. Look...
You got a match?

Early in the morning,
I have examinations and...

How the hell do you
keep getting in here?

Well, your door was open.

It was not open!

You've got a nerve.
What?

I'm spending all my free time
trying to help you win
the girl of your choice.

You're standing on
a legal technicality.
Give me the key.

Oh, you're touchy.
Come on. Come on.

Hogan, I am going to bed.
No, no, no, you're not.

Now, look,
you want to
marry that girl?

I am going to show you how.

Where do you keep
your matches around here?

There we are.
Now let's get
down to business.

First of all, take
the subject herself, Robin.

I don't want you to
take offense, son,

but that girl
has got her clock
worked in backwards.

So yours are perfectly
all right.

Which, confirming
my earlier opinions,

means that what she
actually seeks is a man

who doesn't pamper
her every desire,
do you follow?

Now, Hogan,
at 9:00 am in the morning,

I have examinations.
Now, I gotta get
some sleep, okay?

Yeah, you're darn right.
Now, the problem is

how to set the stage, so that...

Now, pay attention to me, boy.

I've had a lot of
experience in this field.

I'll be an inestimable help.

How lucky can I get?

Since this dear sweet
child cannot face up
to her unconscious desires,

it's up to you to make it
easy for her to face up
to the unfaceable. Huh?

What was that again?

And in such a way
as to make it seem to
her that she herself,

and not you,
has dispelled her resistance.

Now, you follow that?
Of course, of course.

It'd never do
to simply go
upstairs and attack.

That, she'd be
bound to look upon that
with disfavor.

Then how about
sneaking up behind her

with a handkerchief
soaked in chloroform?

What are you talking about?

Or a firm grip on a soft throat.

Brother, I don't think
you're taking
this thing seriously.

Now, you have got
to listen to me, boy.
It's imperative.

Give me the key.
What I have planned for you

is a program of
feigned indifference.

A policy of reverse English,
shall we call it?

And hardly a woman
alive can resist it.

Yeah, how many more
of these things
do you have?

The supply is inexhaustible.

Now, the thing is,
you are going to have

to adhere to this with
strict discipline, boy.

There is to be no compliments

and no whispered sweet
nothings into her ear.

And no flowers and no candy.
And most important of all,

you must abstain from all those

little niceties
that women adore.

Do you follow me?
Am I going too fast?

It sounds irresistible.

A short period of
treatment like that

and she is primed for the kill,

if you get the picture.
Do you get any use
out of this thing?

What I don't understand
is how you've
managed to live so long.

Unseen forces watch over me.

Well, your luck just ran out.

What do you mean...

Boy, what is
the matter with you?
Why do you do that?

Can't you see I'm
trying to help you?

This girl has got
cravings and desires
burning deep within her.

Let her burn!

It's attitudes like that,
callous attitudes
that make it tough on me.

Well, I might as well
tell you, I'm sick.

What?
I'm sick.

She's going to turn to
me to put out the fire,
and I'm sick of playing patsy

to the entire
female contingent
of central California.

You...
I can't go on like this.

Not again. Look, son,
you don't understand.

Look, start your
program right away,

as soon as she gets
out of the shower.

Show your indifference
by leaving her alone with me.

Welcome to my apartment.
I hope you like it,
because I want you to know

that it is available
to you at any time.

I mean, you might
want to pop over here

and do some homework
or maybe get some
uninterrupted sleep.

And I'll just toot along back in

and continue to
lavish her with attention.

Of course,
that rules me out right away
as a love object, doesn't it?

Here, simple, huh? Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Be careful what
you're grabbing there, boy.

* Grind away, you little devil
The key to happiness *

Please, God.

Irene! Irene! Honey, Irene.

Dave, what happen... Irene!

What happened?
Dave, what did you do?

I hit her on the head.
What?

With a thing.
How could you do that?

Well, I...
Irene!

Can you hear me?
Is she dead?
Irene.

Irene.
Irene, wake up. Wake up.

What could've happened?
She's out cold.

Wake up, Irene.
What happened?

He hit her with something.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You stay out of this, Hogan.

You gotta learn to
control that temper.

I'm telling you...
Stop shouting.

Well, then get him
out of here.
What?

Go get the brandy. Irene.

Going around
poleaxing women like that.

How are you going to be
a successful architect

if you get the reputation
for being a hothead?

You want to take my
advice in this matter?

Just button your lip
and get out of here, Hogan.

Robin, give me
the brandy. Irene.

Dave Manning,
I don't know
what's gotten into you.

How could you be so brutal
to a poor woman?

I didn't know it was Irene.

Hitting her over
the head with a bottle,
or whatever it is.

I didn't do it on purpose.
What do you think I am?

I'm not sure now.

Well, I find it doesn't pay
to get panicky in
these situations.

Women are very tough, you know.

They got much more
fiber than you think.

Can I make a suggestion?
The best place for this girl,

obviously, is her own bed,

so why don't you just pick her
up and take her home.

And in the meantime,
I'll do my level best

to try and calm poor Robin down.

You are full of
helpful ideas, aren't you?

Why do you...
There you go again.

Now, what's...
A simple suggestion.

I am going to do now, Hogan,

what I should have done
the minute you stuck
your nose in our lives.

There you go again,
lack of emotional control.

People are gonna talk about you.

You'd better pull
yourself together.

You're going to be
a lousy architect.

Lines all zig-zaggy jiggly,
and I don't like
the look in your...

Now, come on, fella.
Now, come on, baby.

Take your pulse.

How's Irene?

Well, you have
been an absolute beast
ever since I came home.

Hitting this poor woman
on the head like that.

Honey, I thought
it was Hogan.
Holy smoke...

And then screaming at everybody.

And why would you
want to hit Hogan?

Why would I...
Oh, boy! Well, I...

Where is Hogan?

He left unexpectedly. Irene.

Well, I'm glad
this evening happened.
You are?

Yes, I am. I've discovered
a whole other side of
you I've never known.

Well, now you know.
I'm a raving monster.

You certainly are.

And with no provocation, either.

Just two nights without sleep,

no dinner, no girl,
and this burlesque

of married life
you've dreamt up.

Look at this place, honey.
It is a junk heap.

Our little sanctum.
Wasn't that what it
was supposed to be?

Where we can reveal
ourselves and exchange
deep confidences.

With people walking in and out,

and doors opening and closing,

and a kooky
landlord across the hall
with 5,000 keys.

I tell you, lady,
it's a nut house.

You are running a loony bin.

You're just terrible.

- Morning, folks.
- Morning.

- How are you this morning?
- Fine.

Here, kitty.
Here, kitty. Come on.
That's a good boy.

Come on. Come on.
Here it is.

See you at lunch.
And I can't wait.

I'll bet.

Hi, Murphy. How are you?

Couldn't be better, honey.

Murph!

Just watering the plants, honey.

Well, stick to your watering.

Mr. Hogan! Not again?
What's wrong with you, boy?

You trying to kill us?
Come on.

I don't believe this.

You sure got a funny way
of getting your kicks.

You got a bed.
Why don't you
try sleeping in it?

We're running out of towels.

Get you right to bed.
That would be better.

Found him in the bushes again.

Sure would like to know
what he does with
his evenings. Man!

Ah!

I am sorry and ashamed
about barging in last night.

I don't know why
I thought Hogan was here
bothering you.

No, he was a perfect gentleman.

He brought me home
and went into his apartment.

Well, that doesn't
sound like Hogan.

I don't know.
I saw the two of you
dancing together,

and my female
instinct just backfired.

When did Dave leave?

He insisted that
I sleep on his cot,

and he went on to
the fraternity house.

Well, anyway,
the whole thing ended up
in a terrible mess.

We said all sorts
of horrible things
to each other last night,

and he probably
despises me by now.

I'm sure he doesn't despise you.

Well, if he doesn't, he should.

I botched things
but good this time.

Hey, there.
Hi.

Hi.
How's the head?

Not bad. It's even
possible the new contour

of my skull may
be an improvement.

You have forgiven me?

I told you a dozen times.

I just wish your
timing had been better,
and you'd beaned Hogan.

Who's that?
You mean Brother Hogan
of dear old Delta Chi.

I had a long talk
with Robin this morning,

and, well, I know
it's none of my business,

but what do you intend
doing about her?

Well, I intend to go shopping
for a few special items,

and then I intend
to go home
and apologize to her

and spend a quiet evening
with the girl I love.

There's something
about the tone of
your voice, David Manning.

What do you mean,
"quiet evening"?

Well, Irene,
that's really none
of your business, now.

I feel myself somewhat
responsible for her.

Now, what are your intentions?

Miss Wilson, I am a guy in love.

Now, I'm going to do
what any normal
male would do.

I'm going to have
a quiet little drink
with the girl I love

in front of a quiet little fire,

listening to some
quiet little music

and let nature take
its quiet little course.

See you around, Professor.

David! David!

Pow! Pow!

Hey, buddy-bud,
I've been waiting for you.

We've got just enough light left

for about two sets of tennis
and then a little
workout in the gym.

A nice cool shower.
How are you today, old boy?

Fine, fine, brother,
but not today.

Wait a minute. Not today?

Now, boy, I don't
need to tell you
the value of exercise.

You're a man of the world.
You know how important it
is to be exhausted.

This was passed on
down to us by the Greeks.

Sophocles and Plato.
True.

A womanless world is
the very foundation

of the Platonic theory,
isn't it?

Wonderful, wonderful.
Listen, you've got
to fight hard

against your
arch enemy, kid.
Vitality.

I tell you, that
sounds just great, Hogan.

You go play
tennis. Hmm?

I'm going to let my
vitality just sit by

a cozy fire tonight
and enjoy itself.

Listen, I have
misjudged you, boy.
I'll see you later.

I'm ashamed of
you. Ashamed!

Yeah, well, look us up
in the morning, will you?

Not too early.
I may be sleeping late.

He's catching on.

Hello.

Honey, I just want to say...

Look, do me one favor.
Don't say anything.

Last night never existed,
agreed?

Whatever you say.

You're the boss.
Okay. I love you very much.

I love you, too, David.

Okay.

That's all that matters,
then, really, isn't it?

Yeah.

And tonight...
What?

...is another story.

Well, I think I'll go upstairs

and finish dressing, okay?
I'll be back in...

Hey, honey,
what did you buy?
What is it?

Nothing. Some
little goodies.

Now, you run along,
I'll show you later.

You're acting very strangely.

Well, there may be
a lot of strange
developments tonight.

Okay.

It's me again.
Yeah, so I see.

Where's Robin?
Why?

I've been giving this some
serious thought, David.

I want to talk to both of you.

You don't mind if
I go ahead and work,
do you?

No, no, go right ahead.
Okay.

I want to discuss
with both of you

some of the ramifications
of living together,

which neither of you considered.

Yeah,
well, it sounds fascinating,
but not tonight, Irene.

I'm going to have my say.
Okay.

You see, trial marriage
among intelligent,

literate people
can essentially...

What's this?

That's E. E. Cummings'
Puella Mea.

It's a rare copy I
happened to come by.

The drawings.

Yeah.
It's a private printing.

Oh.

David Manning!
You wouldn't.

Yeah, yeah.
Little David. I did it.

After you gave your word
you wouldn't touch that girl.

Irene, I am not going
to continue playing

Alice-Through- the-Looking-Glass

with an adorable juvenile
that I happen to love.

You know, it's my fault
all this came about.

I've been confusing
softness with tenderness.

I've played
buddy-buddy to her
instead of lover.

And if I can rectify
it tonight, I...

Well, I'm going to,
with marriage as
the door prize.

Well, what about
your sense of ethics?

Well, if you don't
mention it, I won't, either.

Maybe it'll pass
into oblivion with the help
of this

strange and rare drink
called mescal.

Made from cactus juice, I think.

Hi, Irene.
Robin.

What's going on?
Irene was just leaving, Rob.

You know what he...

Thanks a lot for
dropping by, Irene.

So long.

Come back and
see us sometime.
Goodbye, Irene.

Goodbye, Irene.
Goodbye, Irene.

Yeah, we'll see you
at school tomorrow.

You poor baby.

Yeah, so long.
Be careful.

Bye. Bye now.
Be careful, darling.

Now, what was
that all about?
Hmm?

Women, who can figure them?

Well, isn't this beautiful?

Yeah, yeah.

A fireplace, candles.
Is that brandy?

No, no. That is mescal.

Mescal?

Uh-huh. It's a native
Mexican drink
distilled from pulque.

Are we celebrating something?

Yeah, no, well, could be.
There you go.

It's made from
some sort of desert
cactus plant, I think.

They left the needles in it.

Yeah, they sure did.

Would you like some music?

I'd love it.

Would you like to dance?

I don't know if we should.

Well, arms length.

All right.

Okay.

It's nice.

Dave?
Hmm?

Tonight, I'm filled
with new hopes and resolve.

I just have a feeling
everything's going
to work out just great.

Yeah. Let's drink
to that. Huh?

All right.
Whatever you say,
I'm your slave.

There we go. Cheers.

Cheers.

When you get used to it,
it tastes just
like fruit juice.

Yeah.

Would you pour me
another drink, please?

Thank you.

Ah!

David?

Hmm?

Do you know what
I think mescal is?

What?

I think it's some
mysterious concoction

designed to destroy
lovely Mexican girls'
willpowers-es.

Willpowers-es?

That's the plural form.

The plural form.

I like it. I like it.

Rob, honey, you know that
I love you, don't you,

and that I'd never do
anything to harm you?

Of course.
Yeah.

Well, of course,
it might happen that

I would do something,
which, at the moment,
might seem to be harmful...

David, that's impossible...
Well, no, what I mean is...

You're not capable of it.

I mean,
you're much too trustworthy
and fine and upstanding.

That's just you.

Yeah, but what I was thinking...

When you make a promise,
you stick to it.

Dave, you have
a marvelous
sense of integrity.

Swell.

Let's drink to your integrity.

Yeah, okay.

Mmm!

What's this?

Just a little book of poetry

that I happened
to stumble across.

E. E. Cummings'
Puella Mea. I just love it.

Yeah, you know it?
By heart.

Well, some of it, at least.

Poetry, music, booze.

Fireplace.

David Manning,
if I didn't know you so well,

I'd swear you were
trying to seduce me.

Robin! Well, how can
you say a thing like that?

Well, I was just teasing.

Well...

"Caliph and king their ladies
had to love them
and make them glad

"when the world
was young and mad,
in the city of Baghdad."

The poem is
a description of the girl
Cummings loved madly.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

It's so beautiful it
makes you want to cry.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's drink to old Caliph, huh?

There you go.
Okay.

After a couple of these,
you hardly notice
the needles at all, do you?

You read it to me.

Okay.
Now, let's see here...

Let me get to the good part.

"In her perfectest array,
my lady, moving in the..."

And I can prove it, too.

You can prove what?

Your integrity.

Why, what other fellow
in the whole world

would have stuck to
such a difficult promise

as you made to me?

Rob, why have you
suddenly developed

such a narrow
range of conversation?
Now, let's enjoy the evening

and not talk
about integrity. Huh?

Sorry.
Okay.

Buddy!

Rob, you'd better
slow down on that stuff.

Read me!

Yeah, okay, okay.

"In her perfectest array,
my lady

"moving in the day,
is a little stranger thing
than all..."

That's me, big boy, strange!
Here.

Yeah.

"If she a little...
If she a little turn her head,
I know that I am wholly dead.

"But should my..."

"But should my lady smile,
it were a flower
of pure surprise.

"And if she speak
in her frail way..."

Hiya!
Rob!

"It is wholly to bewitch..."
Rob, for God...
Read it, be-bo!

Dynamite me! Go, go, go!

Okay, okay.

"Her body is most beauteous,
being for all things amorous,

"fashioned very curiously
of roses and of ivory.

"And of all of the..."
More, more, more!

Rob, for Pete's sake,
take it easy, will you?

"Upon the lovely and keen throat

"the strangeness of
her face doth float,

"within her eyes is dimly heard,

"a wistful and
precarious bird."

Rob...

"Springing from
fragrant shoulders small

"Ardent and perfect withal,

"smooth to stroke
and sweet to see..."

For Pete's sake, Rob!

"As supple as
the young tree..."

Rob...

"Her slim
lascivious arms alight.

"In skillful wrists
which hint of flight."

Honey, now look...
"Each tapering breast

"is firm and smooth."

Well, for goodness sakes,
cut that out!

"Her waist is a most
tiny hinge of flesh,

"winsome thing and strange."

Sweetheart, look.
Wait just a minute.

"It is a throbbing neck whereby

"to grasp
the belly's ample vase."

Honey, wait...

Wait a minute...

David! We can't!

Can we?

Honey...

Rob.
David, what's the matter?

Honey,
you have the most infuriating
damned sense of timing!

Reminding me about commitment
at a time like this.

You ever hear
of shooting fish
in a barrel, huh?

Well, that's you, Rob.

Besides, I don't want
some vintner
in Mexico City

doing my groundwork for me.

Honey, look,
I know your idea is cockeyed,
now that much I know,

but I'm not sure that
my idea is any better.

Do you understand?

No.

This is no way to
start our marriage.

You're half-pie-eyed on mescal

and I'm...
Well, I just can't do it.

I just can't do it.

A perfect setup,
fire, music and I'm walking.
I gotta be cracking up.

Or else I love you
more than I realized.

Well, hi, there!

Good evening, you sweet thing.

Rob?

Rob, you decent?

Robin?

Hi.

Good morning.

Good morning, David.

I'm taking the extra
tube of toothpaste.

That's all right with me.

Rob...

Robin, will you
forgive me for last night?

Forgive you?
Yeah.

With me sprawling all over you.

Why, I practically attacked you.

Robin, I set it up,
don't you understand?

The mescal, the music, the...

Well, I guess it
doesn't matter now,
because I'm moving out.

Now, I'm putting you on notice.

All commitments are off.

I love you.
I want to marry you,

and I'll do whatever
I have to do to get you.

Is that understood?

A new start?

A brand new start.

What's the matter?

Well, David,
I've got to tell you...

Tell me what?
After you left last night,

Hogan came in and,
well, I was in a pretty
peculiar state of mind...

Well...

I lost my gorilla.

Hogan, please, you're...

We're trying to
settle something.

Hogan, if you don't mind,
I'm trying to talk to Dave.

Yeah, well,
you kids go right ahead.

Hogan!
There he is.

David, I want to tell
you all about last night.

Robin, you don't have
to tell me anything.

You don't have
to account to me
or to anybody else.

I just want to explain...
Well, I don't want
to hear about it.

It is not what you think.

Yeah? Oh.
Exactly.

Well, at least
have the courtesy
to hear me out.

Okay. Okay, I'm listening.

Well...

Well, after you left,
Hogan came in and
he was very considerate.

Yeah.

And, well,
he was very sympathetic.

I'll bet he was.

Well, we sat by the fireplace,

and we were talking
and drinking and...

I guess I was a little tipsy.

You were potted,
is what you were.

Well,
I am not trying to use
that as an excuse, David.

Okay.

Anyway,

Hogan explained to me
that he thought my plan
to live with you

was a rationalization
to try and cover up

a basic desire I couldn't face.

A basic desire
that you couldn't face.

Yeah, that's my pal, Hogan.

Anyway, out of nowhere, nowhere,

came this brilliant idea.

If all I wanted was
to be made love to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

...then the particular
fellow didn't matter.

And whose brilliant idea
was that?

Hogan's.

Oh!

I remember at the time
thinking how marvelously
lucid his mind was.

It's a beacon in the night.

Well, considering
all we had to drink,

why, I was positively fractured.

I couldn't even hit him once
in the pillow fight.

The pillow fight?

Yes, the pillow fight.

Well, Hogan was just
trying to cheer me up.

I was awfully depressed, Dave.

Oh, honey...

Now, David, will you
please listen to me?

Honey, I'm listening.
I am listening.
All right.

Then he kissed me.

He kissed you?

It was very sweet of Hogan
to try and pretend
to be so sincere.

And him just
a volunteer worker, too.

Well, then we were sitting
on the edge of the bed...

That does it! That does it!

David! David!

I haven't the vaguest
idea how we got there.

Now, David,
you're jumping
to conclusions.

Now, what do you
think you're doing?
Now, stop that, David!

David!
Are you out of your mind?
Why'd you hit him!

Hit him again when he gets up!
Boy, do you pack a wallop!

David, why would you do that?

For the sheer
ecstatic pleasure of it.

He's up. Belt him!
Well...

You lay a hand
on me, and I'll...

David, nothing else happened.

Yeah! What?

It's the truth. I swear it.
Nothing happened!

Wait a minute...
Do you mean to tell me
that you sat over there

and drank with him
in the dark and talked
sex by the volume

and let him kiss
you and everything
and nothing?

I kept trying to explain.

Well...

Hogan, look, I'm sorry.

Perfectly all right,
I deserved every bit of it.

Yeah, well, I didn't understand.

Fortunes of war, you know, son.

How's the eye?

The eye? The eye's fine.

I'm having trouble
with my lip here.
You bit it last night.

Hogan, I'm sorry, really.

That's all right.
I got another one.

Well, brother,
no hard feelings, huh?
No.

Come on.

I must say,
not every fellow has such
a gentlemanly attitude

towards a man
who just made love
to his girl.

Made love to me?
You did not!

Oh. Oh.

I would have lied
under oath, but I naturally
assumed you'd told him.

Well,
there's nothing to tell.
It didn't happen.

It didn't happen.

Well, you had
too much to drink.
You're confused, Hogan.

Too much to drink
and I'm confused.

She's forgotten completely.
That's just as good
as if nothing happened.

I have not forgotten.
It's all right, Rob.
Forget it!

Well, listen to him,
implying that if it
actually had happened,

I wouldn't even know.

That'd be a gyp, wouldn't it?

Let's just drop the whole thing.

I don't...
Trying to help you.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to tell the truth.

You didn't do anything!

I didn't do anything,
nothing at all
whatsoever happened.

Okay.

I didn't?
Of course not!

Well, you ought to know.
But then again, so should I.

Now, wait a minute,
it sure seemed it to me.

I mean, I may not know much,
but this is one thing

I've never failed to recognize.

Let's take it
from the beginning.

Let's not take it
from the beginning!
I don't want to know.

David, just calm down.

Well, what about me?
I want to know!

I sure want to know about it.

I sure want to know what I did.

Has it gotten so bad
I don't know when I
do or when I don't?

Merciful heavens,
when that goes, what's left?

I would have sworn
I had my arms around
someone last night.

Morning.

Irene, what are you doing here?

I do keep popping up, don't I?

Oh, good Lord!

I not only don't know "if,"
I don't even know "who"!

Sorry, I was worried
about you last night.

Honestly, everybody's so
darned concerned
about my well-being.

Will you please listen to me?

I came because
I didn't want you and Dave

to start off life
on the wrong foot.

I saw that sex trap
you set for her last night.
Sex trap?

Honey,
somebody had to watch out
for your welfare,

to see that
you didn't drown
in your own experiments.

Well, for your
information, Irene,

not that it's any
of your business,

but I left early last night.

Well, when I got here,
you were both gone.

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

I was out, walking
all night long, thinking.

Well, the place was empty,

except for this
miserable creature,

sprawled half-on,
half-off the bed
in alcoholic stupor!

I put his feet up to
make him comfortable,
and what does he do?

Out cold, mind you,
and he still makes a pass!

I knew it!
I knew there was somebody!

I wasn't having hallucinations.

What makes you
think so, you worm?

First, he calls me Robin.

Then that doesn't work,
he goes right
on down the list.

Cheryl, Ericka, Monique, Liz.

Irene, I beg you,

tell me what happened
when I got to "Irene"?

By that time, you big ape,

I had all I could do
to keep from braining you,
drunk or sober.

Robin, take the
advice of an older
and wiser woman,

pack your things and
get out of here now.

Wait, just...
I'm the landlord around here.

You mean to tell
me that I didn't...

Shut up and leave us alone!

This is very
important to me.
Out!

Do you mean to tell me...
Out!

You're worried about them,
what about my
emotional security?

Before I get out of
your lives forever,

I'm going to give
you one last lecture.

Robin, love isn't
a mechanical arrangement

worked out over
laundry tubs and ovens

and sharing bathrooms together.

The attitude of love
is to wish each other well.

To cook for him
and darn his socks

and take care of
him when he's sick

because you wish him well.

And for you, David,
to work for her,

and forgive her
when she's a boob,

to put up with all
the makeup on your coat

and the car fenders she'll dent

and her moments
of bad temper because
you wish her well.

Love doesn't
suddenly drop from a tree
and stay with you forever.

Just like any
other husband and wife,

you're going to
have to create love

each and every day
of your lives.

Now go on and get married
and start living
together properly.

I love you, you silly puss!

And you take care
of her or I'll brain you.

Yech!

Irene. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I don't want to talk to you.

Now, wait a minute.
Come on.

It's over.
Are you mad?

Out of my way, insect!
Now wait.

Why did you come
back last night?

You're afraid to admit it.
All right, all right.

I'll tell you what
you're just dying to hear.

I might as well get it
said once and for all.

I used to be in
love with you,
you poor jackass!

But you never told me.
Why I felt love for you

I will never, never know.

You are a liar, a drunk, a lech,

and one of
the most ridiculous men
I have ever met in my life!

The girl is mad about me.

Hey, Irene?
Hey, are you all right?

Goodbye, sin bin.

Phew!

It's all over now, finally.
Good.

Irene, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You can't
walk out on me now.

She's the one woman
who ever cared enough
to tell me off.

You should have heard
what she called me in there.
Beautiful!

Cut me into little pieces
and ground me right
into the dirt.

Well, something
tells me you'll recover.

From this moment on,
you're going to see
a brand new Hogan.

I doubt if we'll be around.

Work, work, work, Irene,

and we're going
to do it together.
You and me.

Bye, Hogan.
Goodbye?

You're finally out of my system.

Work, work, work, Hogan.

But you can't leave me now.
That's not fair.

It's wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Goodbye, Hogan.
What?

I'll be back for my things
after the honeymoon.

Yeah, goodbye, old pal.
I bequeath to you

my barbells and my golf clubs.

Now, give my best to Plato.

- Yeah, well...
- Bye-bye.

Ungrateful females,
every one of them.

Hold it.
Here comes another one.

What does that mean?

Maybe this will give
you the general idea.

Well, you, too?
Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
We're like a team.

You're like my mother.
You wouldn't leave me.

Mother's left.
Clean up your own mess
from now on. Come on, Murph.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hogan.
It wasn't my idea.

Personally, you're aces with me,

and I sure admire the way you...

Murph!

I forgot my tools, honey.
I'll meet you
at the bus stop.

Come on.

I'll miss you, ace.

All right, go ahead,
walk out on me.
Every one of you.

Desert the sinking ship.
Well, fine, go ahead.

Who needs you?
I can get along
without any of you.

I'm going to lead
a life of celibacy.

I can get along without women.

Young man?

Are there premises
available for rent here?

From now on, I rent only to men.

Well, you don't have to be rude.

I'll look elsewhere
for my girls.

Girls?

Well, here we go again.

Hello, there, my name is Hogan.

Careful there. There we are.
Careful now.