Under the Sheets (1977) - full transcript
UNDER THE SHEETS WITH THE DOCTOR
- Clean the chalkboard, please.
- Right away.
Today we'll examine the corpse ...
... of a man who died from peritonitis.
For a better view, I suggest
you move down to the front rows.
I see many new faces here today.
Let me tell you freshmen something.
If you've never seen a
corpse before, don't be alarmed.
A corpse is only a person that doesn't move.
Now, let's begin our
class in gross anatomy.
We can start by ...
Well, we can begin ...
... our gross anatomy class.
Remember to take notes!
What is that?
A dead man's hand, right?
Help!
Wait for me.
Get out of the way.
The dead man is escaping!
In the name of Medicine, stop!
- Run!
- God, it's cold.
- Hurry!
- Where?
- Wait here.
- Wait here?
No... over there!
According to the latest theories on
paragenetics, prenatal sexuality is ...
Where did he go?
He went down that way,
Doctor, toward the toilets.
- Have you seen him?
- Who?
My God! What is this?
Carnal violence?
Did you see a naked man come in here?
Naked? No!
Where is he?
Open.
Open.
Open!
Open up!
It's Dr. Cicchirini.
What's all the excitement about, Doctor?
What are you doing in here?
The janitors' restroom is downstairs.
Doctor, you know that I suffer
from hypertrophy of the prostate, ...
... commonly called prostatism,
the symptoms of which are:
First, frequent urination, and ...
... second, difficulty in
sustaining the urine flow.
As I recall, classes are
held in the classroom, ...
... to which you are not authorized.
Did you see a naked man come in here?
- A naked man?
- Naked.
Do you often see naked men?
Well, in fact, there
recently was a case where...
But why am I telling you?
You're a moron.
I'm not allowed to share that
kind of confidential information.
Remember, you're nothing
but a common worker, ...
... while I'm Dr. Cicchirini.
Benito. Benito, hi...
Ben. You're supposed to call me Ben.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Alright...
Children shouldn't have to
bear the sins of their parents.
- Hi!
- Hi, how are you?
- My friends!
- You had to touch the woman's legs, eh?
Tell me, how is Professor Cappi down there?
She's wonderful!
- It seemed a bit crude to me.
- Where's Lella?
Alvero, I think we've had enough,
with all that we're doing for you, ...
... for your sex education.
- Yes, but I still want to do Lella.
- Your sex education is out of date.
Hey, look at that ass! Who is it?
Dr. Laura Bonezzi,
Professor Cicchirini's girlfriend.
- No!
- Yes...
So... the bigger the asshole,
the more beautiful the girlfriend?
- I heard my name.
- Good morning, Professor.
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything, did you?
- No, I didn't. Maybe you mentioned him?
- I didn't say anything. I thought he did.
- No, it was him.
- Me?
Whoever spoke, raise your hand.
- He's the one who spoke.
- I didn't raise my hand, Professor.
Funny... very funny.
I'll remember you.
Are you going to send us a postcard?
Hi, Honey.
- What was that about?
- Nothing. I'll fail them all.
- All of them?
- Every one of them.
- Why?
- They're bastards, sons of bitches.
Let's go.
Come on, that's not for you.
- Master?
- Yes?
- Your snack.
- Thank you.
- Shall I pour the tea?
- Yes, thanks.
Do you want some milk?
Master? Milk?
Yes, milk... lots of milk.
- Sandro? Sandro.
-Yes, mama?
Why haven't you gone to study with Alvaro?
Because Alvaro has a class in...
applied sexology.
- Why didn't you go, too?
- Go? I'll go... hopefully.
- Go, Maria.
- Yes, ma'am.
And now back to your studies.
You have exams coming up.
Whatever...
No!
- Why not?
- Because I don't feel like it.
Everyone else is doing it.
Sit still and watch the movie.
- Look at what he's doing.
- If you knew what I'd do...
I just wanted to see if it still worked.
If it worked, or the backup?
They call me Perennial Powder.
Besides, after a year behind bars...
Then everything's okay.
Do you remember Agnes Badoer?
Her stage name, as I recall, was Inés...?
Attack!
Alvaro, sit still.
Is that all you can think about?
Yes, it's the only thing.
- And you already know I don't.
- But, we're engaged!
Precisely. So have patience, okay?
- I have it, it's you who doesn't.
- Have what?
- A hard on...
- Alvaro, you're a pig!
No, no... I didn't mean it.
Wait, Lella. Where are you going?
I won't go to the movies with you again!
Does that mean you have to slap me?
Lella...
- You have to learn to respect me.
- Yeah, yeah... okay, wait...
Hey, Casanova, you
trying to hit the bull's-eye?
Yeah, the one painted on
your sister's ass, douchebag.
What did you say?
Sorry, my mistake.
Hey guys, I can't take it anymore.
It stays hard all the time!
- Can you pee?
- Because of Lella, eh?
How can Lella do that?
To me? Don't you see?
With all those blessings from God...
Journalists says that today's young people
make love without hang-ups... uninhibited.
Why don't the journalists interview me?
I'd tell them the truth,
I've never laid a hand on her.
Meanwhile, you make love
with your left hand's sister.
- Who's sister?
- Your left hand.
The sister of my left hand is...
Oh, go fuck yourself!
You're kidding around with me,
but there is something wrong!
Of course there's something wrong.
Lella is engaged to you because your
parents have money. They own a bar.
No, that isn't true.
Lella is a nice girl!
Anyway, I don't care. I want Lella!
Your Lella is nothing but a drag!
In short, what you need is a woman.
- Do you want a woman tonight?
- Yes, please!
Should we get him
a woman for tonight?
Yes, get her for me.
I want her... please!
- How much money do you have?
- Money? Don't you have money?
- I don't.
- Wait, wait a moment!
- I have one coin.
- Don't worry.
Sex is a matter of timing and technique,
and if you have neither, ...
... we'll invent something.
- Miss... ?
-20.000.
You've touched my heart.
Oh, no!
I don't do anything for less than 20,000.
Allow me. I'm Dr. Cicchirini
from the University Hospital ...
Oh really? Why should I care?
This is a humanitarian case. A case
that only you can resolve. Trust me.
Did you come out here just to tease me?
No, I'd never do such a thing.
But you must come with me!
Go where with you?
- Please come with me.
- Where? Don't touch me!
- I beg you, come with me.
- Where are you taking me?
I'll explain. There's a young man
in the ambulance, only 20 years old.
Hovering between life and death...
So what can I do?
Just look at the state he's in ...
See?
There he is. How's he doing?
The poor thing.
Yes, the poor thing.
He's in bad shape, about to die.
And you know what he
keeps saying in his delirium?
"I want a woman. Before I die, ...
... I want the immeasurable
pleasure of seeing a woman."
He's right, the poor thing.
So, here's what you should do.
Go in there, uncover yourself a bit,
show your legs ...
- But ...
- Don't you see, by doing this good deed, ...
... in the morning all the angels
in heaven will sing your name.
- What is your name?
- Brigida Bonazzi.
Brigida Bonazzi.
Yes, all the angels in heaven
will sing "Brigida Bonazzi" ...
Get out, get out.
Get in there, Brigida Bonnazzi.
Saint Brigida Bonazzi.
Enter, Brigida Bonazzi, enter.
You are very beautiful, my darling.
- This won't hurt him?
- No, you'll do him a world of good.
Oh, you're so cute...
Did you see that?
Cute little nose...
I can't hear anything.
I hope the bastard actually
fucks that whore before it's over.
Who would fuck that?
- Are you in bad shape, poor thing?
- Who, me?
Oh, you lost your memory, eh?
- Quiet, now, and you'll see.
- Yes... I see.
Alright, slowly... first I remove this...
Did you hear something? Listen...
Slowly, slowly...
Yes, now you'll see my beautiful legs.
Like so... and so...
Fuck it! Now I'll show you!
Hold still, don't move.
I order you!
- Let me go. Don't touch me!
- Quiet. Don't resist!
Hey, there's something going on!
We'd better go see.
What are doing with my purse?
I didn't do anything. Help!
It's all steamed up...
It was just a joke,
don't you understand? Help!
You wanted to trick me, eh?
Whoa! Come back here, you pig!
Not with the purse!
Guys, aren't you going to help me?
And you too, you wretches!
Antonio!
- Antonio? Who's Antonio?
- Damn, she called her pimp!
- Hold still!
- Let's get out of here!
- Come back here!
- Start it up, here comes the pimp!
- Antonio!
- Damn bastards, sons of whores!
Great sons of bitches!
I'm going to kill you!
- Antonio, did you see what they did to me?
- What did they do? Do you know them?
No... I don't know.
One was a Dr. Cicchirini ...
I'll take care of him! I sure will...
Good evening, Mr. Benito, where
did you go for a good time tonight?
Where do you think I went, ma'am?
Out with my friends.
I know what today's youth get up to
with their friends. Now where's the rent?
I'm still waiting for a check from my aunt.
Is she really your aunt?
Handsome young men always find
someone willing to pay for them.
My aunt is 70 years old,
and she's paying for my medical studies.
A doctor told her she
suffers from 14 diseases.
He makes her happy, giving her lots of drugs.
I know. She told me herself.
Even if she's not your aunt,
there would be nothing wrong.
A real woman knows how to surrender
herself in bed. Not like the girls today.
I give my all in bed.
Do you find that so wrong?
No, but I have a bad stomachache.
- Can I give you a little massage?
- No... no!
So hungry for love,
but I can only look on...
- Who is it?
- It's Italia.
Come in...
Professor, everything is
ready for the operation.
Italia, come over here and
take a look at this. Come closer!
Come here, Italia!
This is the land of saints and poets...
Professor... the operation!
You two!
The comedians.
Is this the first time you've
assisted in an operation?
- Yes, Doctor.
- Good. You'll be in the front row.
Nobody better faint when
you get splashed with blood, ...
... or other bodily fluids.
And don't even think about vomiting.
- You others can remain behind.
-Thank you, Doctor.
Wash your hands well!
I don't want unclean
people in the operating room.
- Good morning, Professor!
- Good morning, Professor!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Greetings! You must be the new students.
Did you explain that if they have to
pass out, they must fall backwards?
Yes, Professor.
- Italia, the towel.
- Italia, the towel!
Moroni, you're here again?
How is that?
Professor, attending an operation of yours ...
... is like attending a concert by Rubinstein.
What a suck-up.
Cicchirini, we've found
someone who surpasses even you!
Well, let's operate.
Come along...
You! Here, here... and here!
Quickly, come on.
Get him onto the operating table.
Dear God, you'll anesthetize me, right?
Don't worry.
Here we are. What is it?
Gallbladder.
Do you want to see the X-rays?
They aren't necessary.
I'll remove it once we've opened him up.
Just a moment, excuse me...
You shut up.
The patient isn't supposed to speak.
Do you want make me
nervous so I make a ragged cut?
So it's the gallbladder.
You want to tell me where it is?
- Ah... here?
- Great!
Perforate the stomach,
with bleeding that within a half hour ...
... will kill the patient.
Congratulations.
Stupid moron! It's higher...
Cicchirini!
I'm the only who calls someone a moron here.
You're absolutely right, Professor.
No one says "moron" like you.
Thank you, moron!
So, are we going to find that gallbladder, ...
... or postpone the operation until tomorrow?
With all this mess, that might be better.
- Silence!
- Silence!
Well, can you tell me
where the gallbladder is?
- Ah... here?
- Good, good. And where would you cut?
- From here to here.
- That's it! How will you position your hand?
What is it, Moroni?
Do you have something to say?
Do you want to perform the operation?
No, no, Professor,
I was just enjoying your words.
Enough horseplay!
Take a break from sex for a few minutes.
I need to start operating.
If you don't turn off the light,
I won't get any sleep.
Excuse me, aren't you Dr. Ciotti?
Yes, isn't it obvious?
No, it's only that I think I'm
in the wrong operating room.
Why do you say that?
Because I came in for hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids?
Hemorrhoids!
Hemorrhoids...
Cicchirini, between the
gallbladder and hemorrhoids, ...
... there's quite a difference!
I'll take a half hour break.
Get him prepped,
and I'll make him a nice new ass.
A nice new ass?
- How did the old one get broken?
- Mistakes happen, just ask your sister.
- Ciao, Amadeo!
- I don't care to greet you.
Show some courtesy...
We practiced cutting,
and the blood was horrendous.
I say it's not possible...
Guys, look.
Isn't that the pimp over there?
- The pimp?
- He's as big as a wardrobe.
The big guy?
He's coming over here.
Who is he?
Hopefully he won't see us.
I think we should run away.
No, just relax and show an innocent face.
No, relax and get a swollen face!
Don't you see who it is?
Hello, Paulino.
Dr. Sughirini... Ceggirini...?
- Dr. Cichhirini?
- Yes.
He's over there.
Pardon me...
When people act like that,
I'm tempted to give them a beating.
Remember that we have to
go pick up the new car today...
- You're Dr. Cicchirini?
- Yes, why do you ask?
Brigida Bonazzi.
You've had a sex change?
- Brigida Bonazzi.
- She's not my patient.
Excuse me.
Do you mind, Miss?
Paulino!
So you learn not to bother
an honest street worker.
What happened?
We'll take care of him.
Help me, please.
Who is Brigida Bonazzi?
Four Fernet Brancas for the gentlemen.
Thank you.
Down and back...
Look... how beautiful.
Look at these tits!
Look at her ass!
Mama...
You're up, Alvaro.
What are you doing?
We'll all be arrested for indecent
assault... on an inflatable doll.
You see her curves.
Like Lella, eh?
Alvaro, I never tire of telling you, ...
... you're a rich idiot and a jerk.
Women must be treated with an iron hand.
You need to show Lella that you're a man!
So I decided it's best if we
don't see each other anymore.
If that's what you want.
Too bad, I made a crochet
bikini to wear this summer, ...
- ... and I wanted to model it for you.
- A bikini?
- Yes. Do you want me to show you?
- Well, if you want to...
I'll try it on, but don't take advantage of the
fact that my parents have gone to Florence, ...
- ... and won't return until this evening.
- No...
- And don't look through the keyhole.
- Trust me!
- Good.
- Go ahead, I'm a gentleman.
- You're sure you won't spy on me?
- I told you I wouldn't.
- I'll be back in a moment. I'm going now.
- Please...
You're not looking?
No, trust me!
I want things between us ...
... to remain pleasant
and pure until we're married.
Then everything will go well.
It will be quite normal.
You're not looking, are you?
Alvaro, what are you doing on the floor?
I was doing yoga.
You like it?
Well... not bad.
It's nice, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Do you like or not?
Well... perhaps...
Come here!
No, Alvaro, don't!
You said you wouldn't!
Don't listen to all the crap I say!
- You gave me your word, didn't you?
- I only said I wouldn't look!
- What is it?
- Are you a doctor?
- Yes... well, occasionally...
- Come with me!
-Where?
- Upstairs...
My wife can't sleep.
Dolores is in pain.
- Dolores?
- She's in great pain.
Maybe she just needs a purge?
No, no... not that way.
Go on in... check her out!
Excuse me...
Bitte...
I'm here to... to examine you.
Bitte...
- Do you understand anything I said?
- Bitte...
- How do you say, "examine you"?
- Oh, ja...
- So... you must undress.
- Oh... bitte?
- Undress?
- Ja...
- Here?
- Nein.
- Here?
- Nein there.
Where does it hurt?
- Here.
- Katzen?
Ja, katzen! Ja!
You're not a doctor!
You're a liar!
I guessed it right away.
I'm not stupid,
I'm a German from Germany.
No, you're a German from Hell...!
All right, dear?
Are you excited now?
We can finally make love.
We found our idiot for today.
"You can't come here every day."
Why not?
"Because you stand there like an idiot."
Why do I look like an idiot?
"Because. Just because."
Okay, I'm going.
I've decided... I'm going!
"But where are you going?"
I'm just going.
"Where do you want to go?"
I've decided, I'm going. I'm going.
Since you've decided,
may I accompany you?
Ah... yes.
Then let's go!
Walk.
With all this traffic,
you'd never be able to cross.
That's true. I'm so slow...
- Sandro, are you tied to her?
- No, I...
- What are you doing?
- Come on! Hurry, ma'am!
Where did you find her?
In a nursing home?
- Very clever!
- Were you taking her home?
Go! Go!
Hey, guys,
Professor Cicchirini bought a new car.
- No!
- Yes!
- I don't believe it.
- I tell you he did!
- Are we going to let this opportunity pass?
- No...
Okay, guys, here's a question.
Which car is Cicchirini's?
I think it's the one under the canvas.
Bravo! Right answer.
- Goodbye, Mama.
- Paulino...
Mama!
I have to go,
we'll see you this afternoon, okay?
I'm making meatballs for dinner.
Meatballs...
Thanks, Mama.
Thank you. I'll be on time.
Did you hear that? My dear mother
is making meatballs for my dinner.
Which I'll do when we're married.
That won't be necessary.
Mama will make them.
What?
Didn't I tell you?
We wanted to surprise you.
She's coming to live with us.
Don't you think that's a great idea?
Sure. But I thought that
once we were married, ...
... we'd live together by ourselves.
Laura, not here!
You know how nosy the porter is.
- Come on, let's hide!
- They're coming... they're coming!
She won't bother us at all.
On the contrary, she'll be a big help.
She does everything at home.
She's second to none!
- Oh yeah?
- What time is it?
4:30.
Do you want a ride home,
or do you have consultations?
What? I've rescheduled all my appointments.
Didn't we plan to spend the afternoon together?
I have to stop by the clinic.
Ciotti is visiting tomorrow.
Ciotti... Ciotti... Ciotti!
Are you engaged to him or to me?
Laura, you're a girl.
Don't you get it?
If I join Ciotti's clinic,
do you realize what that means?
Yes, you're set for life. You've told
me many times. But what about me?
Laura, listen.
First of all, I'll tell you...
Help!
They've stolen my new car!
It's not here. Not here!
Where is it?
I want an X-ray of his kidney.
That old man is about to die.
So I'll operate on him immediately.
We also need to run
some tests on patient 22.
Sorry I'm late, but I had to
pay the deposit to recover my car.
You see, it had already been towed and...
Why are you telling me about your problems?
Fair enough... where are we going?
Ah, the hemorrhoids.
How are you doing?
- Professor, my balls hurt.
- Those are easily removed.
- No, I still need them!
- Maybe in the next life.
Ah, my dear Sandokan, how are you?
Bad... bad...
Good, let's take a look.
Loss of appetite,
weakness, weight loss, ...
... asthenia, nausea, vomiting,
and a nice bronze color.
Addison's disease.
You know how lucky you are?
This afflicts just one in ten thousand.
One in ten thousand!
Addison's disease.
Hey, you know I'm entranced by you...?
- You! You! The stomach.
- Oh, well... thank you!
Not yours, moron.
The patient's!
Ah, yes.
Professor, do you think he's pregnant?
Do you think this is the time for jokes?
Cretin! Palpate... feel it, feel it!
You see? It's aerophagia.
Who was that? I'll have you all before the
Academic Senate! I'll have you expelled...
Have mercy, Cicchirini, don't start!
There's an echo in here...
Trust me, you won't regret...
Oh... damn.
- Sir, would you like to go in now?
- Yes, thanks.
Come in, please.
Don't I you know you?
No, I don't think so.
Yes... at the college. You helped
me put my boyfriend in a taxi.
It was very kind of you.
I remember it... quite well.
Why are you here?
You see, I...
- Would you like me to examine you?
- Yes, I feel bad... very bad.
Please...
Undress.
- Even my...?
- Yes.
Lie down.
Tell me, what are your symptoms?
I have nausea, fatigue, loss of appetite.
Let's listen to your heart.
It seems a bit excited.
This restricts me. Do you mind?
Please...
Now I'm more comfortable. Let's see...
Yes, it's very excited.
Oh... sorry!
They make bras so small these days.
- Is that better?
- Sure...
- Let's see where it hurts. Here?
- No.
- How about here?
- No...
Here?
No, eh?
So how about here?
How strange. And here?
Then how about here?
In fact, it is a little swollen.
Yes...
There is only one way to cure this.
Sir? Sir?
Sir! Sir!!
- Sir... the doctor is waiting.
- Oh, yes, thank you.
- Sit down, please.
- Yes.
- Don't you remember me?
- Sorry?
You see, I feel weak, tired, no appetite...
- Let's have a look.
- Yes.
- Follow me.
- I'm coming.
Undress.
Fine... that's enough.
You can sit.
It's nothing serious.
Just a little exhaustion.
- So... ?
- You're quite healthy.
What about fatigue,
loss of appetite and all that?
Don't worry,
take this and you'll feel better.
Good morning.
- What do you want?
- Is Sandro at home?
- No, actually, no one's here.
- All right, tell him we'll come back.
Hey, dear colleague,
maybe we'd better wait here.
I don't know whether they'd...
Miss, I'm Professor Moroni.
I teach Endocrinoginecologentropia.
- This is my assistant, Dr. Ognissanti.
- Yes, we're very important.
- Come in. Come in, please.
-Thank you. Thank you.
Please, sit down, Professor.
Would you like a drink?
- Whiskey.
- J & B.
- What are you doing?
- Didn't you notice how pretty she is?
- Who, the maid?
- Beautiful, young, naive, exuberant...
- The lady doesn't... ?
- No...
- She doesn't know you?
- Know me? No!
- Perfect!
- Shut up, here she comes.
Thank you.
- Miss...
- Yes?
Do you often suffer from migraines?
Occasionally.
Nausea, dyspepsia, schizophrenia?
Well, actually...
Progressive pain in the legs?
Why? Am I sick?
- It's possible.
- It could be serious.
Please, Professor, help me.
We would have to examine you.
- Nude?
- Are you ashamed?
- Well, actually...
- Miss, we're doctors.
On any day we see a lot of naked women.
Well, then...
Good, we'll help you.
- Lie down on the couch.
- You'll be more comfortable.
- Let's examine you.
- Lie down, trust us.
Unfasten this...
- Everything, Doctor?
- Yes, it's the best way. That's how it's done.
Next time wear something
with a zipper, please.
Come, lie anatomically flat,
as we say.
- There.
- Just like that.
What do you think, my colleague?
I would start with "intramuscular rigidum."
From the front or rear?
That depends on the patient's readiness.
Exactly!
Tell me, does it hurt here?
- No.
- That's normal... "Willful insensitivity."
How about here?
- No...
- No?
What do you think, colleague?
- Colleague! What do you think?
- "Imminent Horniness."
That's the same feeling I have.
I propose we look more deeply.
Yes, "Deeper is always appropriate."
"Take full advantage".
Now, pay attention.
Tell me, do you feel pleasure or pain here?
- Well... pleasure.
- It's just as I thought.
- You need a shot of "my-hard".
- And mine is not?
Oh, yes... do it! Do it!
What are my friends doing to you?
Benito, how is this possible?
God forgive me!
"My-hard"!!
You can go, Miss.
First, call me Ben.
And second, can't you take a joke?
No, I can't accept
a stupid joke like this, ...
... because she'll tell my
mother and set off a disaster.
- What, you're angry?
- Yes.
- For another reason?
- Yes.
- What... a woman?
- Yes.
- You fell in love again?
- Yes.
- Asshole.
- Yes.
- Asshole.
- Yes, yes...
Asshole.
Addison's disease: chronic and
severely acute adrenal insufficiency, ...
... bronze skin color...
Addison's disease, Addison's disease, ...
Addisoniche Krankheit.
What the fuck does that mean?
- Who is it?
- May I come in?
Mr. Santarelli.
What's this foolishness?
How are you feeling?
A little depressed,
my strength is failing, ...
... and look. Look.
These are all symptoms of Addison's Disease.
It's not possible!
- Next. What's your name?
- Mukendi Ngalula.
- Mukendi what?
- Mukendi Ngalula.
- What do you want?
- A skull... for dinner tonight.
- Take good care of him.
- Doctor, there's a call for you.
Next!
Hello?
Hi, Laura.
Yes.
I assure you, it's Addison's Disease.
Don't worry.
If treated in time, it's harmless.
Hey, this is a human being!
The poor boy has told me everything.
He has no family.
He doesn't even have Social Security.
Alright, alright...
Look, Laura, I have class now.
You know what I mean...
Yes, I understand.
This case doesn't interest you.
Fine, I'll treat him at my office.
No, don't worry,
I won't take him to Ciotti's clinic.
Okay, okay... goodbye.
- My God, I feel sick!
- What's wrong?
I feel real bad.
I'm have a heart attack!
- A heart attack?
- A heart attack in my ass.
- A heart attack in your ass?
- You're really vulgar.
It's an ass infarction.
- It was just a joke. Don't get mad.
- Of course not.
If you walk past
I can't look at your ass?
- Come on, make peace.
-I don't want to.
- Is it true what they say?
-What?
You chose medicine to study the birds?
That's veterinary medicine, right?
Not birds, but "bird angles"...
The ones who fly up to your ass.
That's an old joke.
Come on, guys.
Professor Cicchirini is about to arrive!
Hey, you know everything,
can I take a bath if I have diarrhea?
Yes, if you have it real bad!
Come on, you'll be late.
I always have it bad.
Italia... Italia... Italia!
Land of saints, poets, sailors.
Wow, like I never had that before!
Of course, I didn't
imagine I was the first.
Hey, Moroni,
you're not supposed to be in here.
If Professor Ciotti sees you
there'll be trouble.
I don't care, I'll take the risk.
And if it does happen,
I'll say that it was for the love of Italy.
Stop, Moroni!
By the way, ...
... you're not to take advantage
during examinations and touch my ...
Don't say that!
If only I could sleep with you,
fondling the Alps, ...
... gazing upon the wonders of
Sicily, Calabria and Campania, ...
... resting my head between the
rich and verdant hills of Romagnese, ...
... and then, through the Porta Pia,
triumphantly enter into Rome.
Bravo, Moroni!
Bravo, honors in Geography!
What are you thinking? College isn't
a gymnasium for your erotic exercises!
Shame on you!
And learn to respect nurses, ...
... those celestial beings who
sacrifice their whole life for the sick.
Get out! They don't have to be
treated like common prostitutes! Out!
- I beg your pardon, Professor...
- Get out!
- Italia.... Italia... land of poets...
- Professor!
- ... of saints, sailors.
- What are you doing? Here?
- There's no place that excites me more!
- But we're in the operating room.
Precisely, my dear... precisely!
As I announced, ...
... today you'll see a
recording of an appendectomy ...
... performed by Professor Ciotti last year.
I will personally answer
any questions as...
- Moroni!
- Good morning, Professor.
Please continue.
Moroni, you're late, you've interrupted me, and
you think to be entertained by the television.
Clearly, college is a game to you, ...
... but at least have a little
consideration for others.
I just adjusted the television, that's all.
Now that we're all here, ...
... before describing the operation, ...
... I would like to make
some introductory remarks.
During this appendectomy, ...
... you'll be able to see the perfect
technique employed by Professor Ciotti.
Silence!
I know there's no sound.
For years, Professor Ciotti has refined ...
... his operating technique to perfection.
The patient has not been anesthetized.
Using only a local,
so that Professor Ciotti ...
... can have a frank
and open relationship ...
... with the patient
throughout the entire operation.
Bravo! Bravo! That was great.
Long live Ciotti!
This patient was in perfect condition.
In other cases, the patient had
to be strengthened with a course of...
Silence! Silence!
... with a course of vitamins and
anti-inflammatory drugs. Silence!
Italia!
Silence! Will you let me speak?
Silence! Be quiet!
Professor Ciotti...
Professor!
Be quiet, the sound is coming on!
Yes, scalpel... gauze... saw... saw... saw...
Saw... saw... saw...
Professor! Professor!
I'm busy.
But this is urgent, Professor!
Go to hell, Cicchirini, I'm busy!
The television...
I don't give interviews!
Professor, the televison's on
and everyone's watching you!
What will they see? That I'm
the greatest surgeon in the world!
Professor, it's the closed circuit television!
No! No!
They're making a fool of the great surgeon!
- Everyone ready?
- Let's sing her a serenade.
- I'll sing baritone.
- Get into position.
You sing tenor,
You and I in baritone.
Attention! 1, 2 and 3.
Saw... saw...
The Professor wanted to saw.
Cicchirini taped it all,
and tomorrow we'll see him on TV.
Hey, beautiful!
Italia! Viva Italia!
I'll show them...
Saw... saw...
The Professor wanted to saw.
Cicchirini taped it all,
and tomorrow we'll see him on TV.
- She's throwing water on us!
- Dammit!
Why did you throw water on us?
That's bullshit!
Don't you like to be serenaded?
We're artists.
Now we're wet artists.
- Wait, I have an idea.
- What?
Go wait for me at the pool hall.
I'll handle this.
Wait for me there. Go... go!
God, I'm all wet.
Get in... are you rusty yet?
- Don't you have any oil?
- Shut the door and and start the car!
- Good evening, Italia.
- Oh, Moroni, it's you.
Yes, I realize that we offended you, ...
... and I've come to apologize.
Trust me.
Alright, come in.
You're all wet.
Thank you.
I'll get a towel.
Give me your jacket.
Thank you, you're very kind.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- It's kind of you to see me, my dear.
- Never mind that... dry yourself.
Thank you.
Here, let me do that.
Italia, when I saw you with Ciotti,
I became insanely jealous.
Stop, Moroni!
Don't make me regret my kindness!
Italia, don't you realize that I've
wished for this moment for years?
- Moroni...
- And now that we're alone...
Watch out, Moroni...
Italia, I want you...
I want you very much.
Moroni, I asked you not to do that!
How dare you?
Look, I...
No, you shouldn't hit
me just because I'm terrible...
Moron? Did I hurt you?
Moroni?
Moroni, are you hurt?
Moroni? Benito?
Benito. Benito...
- Benito...
- Call me Ben.
Jerk!
- Hey guys, I'm here!
- You're late.
- Italia is taken care of...
- What did she say to you?
Next time she'll do
it for the Italian people.
You sound like a politician.
Alvaro, if your parents call mine,
we've gone hiking, okay?
Sure, we're all in Honolulu.
Don't worry.
Oh, God... the bronzing cream!
- Here, you gave it to me earlier.
- How much do I have left?
I don't understand
how you can stoop so low.
Take this, to strengthen you.
Can you find out who that girl
is with both arms messed up?
Good morning, Mr. Santarelli.
You're his friends?
No, we're with the
Trustworthy Cleaning Service for newborns.
Yes, we throw out the defective ones.
How do you you feel?
Where does it hurt?
Where?
Here? Or here?
Where is it? I got it!
Your temperature is normal.
How do you feel?
Go away... go away...
Well, Doctor, we'll be leaving now.
Yes, we have an
appointment at the funeral home.
Are you unhappy?
It's not a physical pain,
it's an emotional reaction.
You believed something was wrong
and began to complain.
But now you're under my care.
I'll need to do a series of tests.
First, it's best to
completely empty the bowels.
Let's start with a little enema.
- That hurts!
- Shut up!
Is there anything for me, ma'am?
- You're expecting mail?
- Yes, from my aunt... for the rent.
Don't worry about the rent,
we can reach an accord.
That's what worries me.
By the way, a friend of yours called.
A certain Sandro.
He said that it's quite urgent, and you should
call right away. I wrote his number here.
- Can I use your phone?
- Please... use anything you want.
- My hand.
- Forgive me.
Yes, put him through!
Benito, you have to save me!
You've got to help. It's my belly.
What? Speak up!
I can't hear you.
I need a piss specimen... from number 22.
From Sandokan. It's urgent!
What? Piss?
Piss?
Why do you need some piss?
For analysis. Hurry up!
Oh, you pig...
Ah, for analysis.
Number 22, Sandokan. Yes, okay.
Sandro. Sandro. What's wrong?
The sink!
Look what I do for a friend.
We're just trying
to help him get laid.
Whatever. He's in love!
Hey, Sandokan!
Tiger of Malaysia!
Sandokan... time to wake up!
What?
We're going to take a
urine sample for analysis.
They already took one this morning.
- It's a new analysis... "Wasserman".
- Wasserman?
Yes, there are things that can
happen if you're not careful.
Hey, what if we make a cocktail?
Yeah, that will teach him a lesson.
Ready, eh?
- Benito!
- Dear God, who's that?
At your age,
still doing these things?
Well, actually...
... it's a review on the extraction of urine.
Ready...
... forward!
Mr. Santarelli!
- What?
- What are you doing?
You mustn't tire yourself.
Get into bed!
What is it?
Nothing, nothing.
I've just seen the analysis.
- The analysis?
- Yes.
- You're hiding something.
- No, no.... just relax.
I don't want to die.
Calm down, calm down.
There must be some mistake, surely.
Help me, help me.
Yes, but you have to calm down,
there's no cause for alarm.
I feel lonely.
I need a lot of affection.
But... Mr. Santarelli!
I'm very afraid.
Why did you do that, Mr. Santorelli?
I don't understand...
- Call Me Sandro.
- Yes, of course... whatever.
Thank you.
Sandro... I have to get back to work.
Damn...
- Lella, can I give you a lift?
- No thank you.
- Are you mad at me?
- No... no way!
Well then, hop on... I'll take you home.
I'm not going home.
I'm going for some training at a friend's house.
A doctor friend?
- Why are you so interested?
- Is it a doctor friend?
What if it is?
So you're saying we're finished?
- It was your idea.
- Alright, but I can still take you there?
- As far as the tram stop.
- As far as the tram stop.
Start, dammit.
- Won't it start?
- No, it won't start.
First you invite me
and then it won't not start.
Did you have fail me right now?
Hey, watch out!
- Don't touch me!
- Come on, Lella, just a little.
- No... stop here!
- Let go of my hair. Let go!
- You never change.
- Come on, all I want is a little kiss.
- You kissed my hands.
- Yeah, but only one.
What do you want?
- Where are you going? Come here. Let's talk.
- Go to hell!
You got what you deserved!
Flirt!
Damn!
You're finally here.
Where have you come from?
From college.
- Are you still with Alvaro?
- Yes.
You're really stupid.
- Will you help me?
- Yes, of course.
- How long have you been engaged?
- Two years.
Two years?
And on top of that you're
studying medicine to be near him.
No doubt, a doctor makes a lot, ...
... but not until Alvaro earns his degree.
Well, his parents don't lack for money.
Money? As far as I know,
they only own a bar.
A bar? But you know what is?
A sports bar!
- The one on the plaza?
- Yes, that's the one.
Ah, then you're rich!
I'm not stupid.
I have him on a leash.
I won't give him anything
until we're married.
He's not handsome, but...
As an expert, I can tell that you
have a future. You know that?
- Where is it?
- Over there.
Because despite being an amateur,
you're already better than many professionals.
In all modesty ...
Gloria, here's yours.
- Thank you.
- Will you help me?
Of course.
If you manage to marry Alvaro, ...
- ... then I'll live like a lady.
- Yes.
Good afternoon, Senator!
You see, we've dressed the way you like!
Beautiful! Just lovely!
I came with a full briefcase to
make sure you show me a good time!
- Beautiful! Beautiful!
- You'll see just how nice we can be.
Good... I'm looking forward to it.
I'm in top form today, girls!
How much will you give us today?
Today I feel more generous than ever!
Mr. Santarelli!
Get up. Get up!
Mr. Santarelli, I've asked my colleague
for his opinion before running further tests.
Operate! Operate!
Operate!
So that miserable Cicchirini
ruined everything for me.
- And your game is over?
- Yes, my game is over.
Guys, shall we teach that
bastard Cicchirini a lesson?
- A double lesson.
- We'll show him!
Then get in, here we go.
Come on!
Let the punitive expedition begin.
What's that?
Help! Help!
Help me!
Stop that lunatic!
Don't touch him, he's infected.
It's not true. They're sadists.
Come here, you can't
escape from Dr. Cicchirini.
- Stop it!
- My God... they'll kill me!
You'll get the beating you deserve,
you wretched pig!
Get out of my way, you cuckold.
I'm Dr. Cicchirini!
No one calls me a cuckold!
Get out of here! Come along now!
Come with Dr. Cicchirini.
- Help! Help!
- Stop him... stop him!
Mercy! Have mercy, Dr. Cicchirini!
I've got you! Now Dr. Cicchirini
is going to teach you a lesson!
Don't hurt him!
Go away, you old whore.
Don't touch my balls!
Come back here. Take that!
We're going to put you in chains!
Go away, cuckold!
Cuckolds and old whores,
get out of here!
We must report him!
All the other patients...
Don't kill them all!
Get up! Get up!
You're still plenty healthy.
But we'll see about that tonight.
I can't take anymore!
I can't take anymore!
Dr. Cicchirini, he's dead!
Whatever... toss him inside
and take him to the morgue.
You killed him! Murderers!
We'll report you!
Tell them it was Dr. Cicchirini!
- Yes?
- Cicchirini?
- Dr. Cicchirini.
- Police.
- Police?
- We have a warrant.
A warrant? For whom?
Come along, walk, don't resist.
Come along, murderer! Vulture!
- But, I'm Dr. Cicchirini.
- We know. Now move it.
Mama! Let me go.
Mama! Don't touch me!
- Come on, walk. Don't try and resist.
- Get your hands off me. Mama!
Paulino?
I'm Dr. Cicchirini.
Let go of me!
Mama!
I'm innocent.
- Poor guy...
- This is a judicial mistake!
How can it be a judicial mistake?
Paulino! Paulino!
The meatballs are getting cold. My son!
Miss!
Miss!
How can you dare to show your face again?
Have you found another
disease with which to fool me?
No, no...
So don't bother me.
By the way, do you know anything
about an ambulance with a fleeing patient?
No...
Good, because my boyfriend spent three days
in jail before clearing up the misunderstanding.
If I find out who it was,
I'll break their neck!
You're here at last, Alvaro.
I spend my life waiting for you.
It took me half an hour to wrap this.
Go, go, get in.
- By the way, did you include a card?
- Yes... yes...
For women, these
romantic details are essential.
- Sure, it's her birthday.
- Are you sure we'll find her there?
Of course, I followed her without being noticed.
You know she gets excited when she sees me.
- Let's go, before it melts.
- She's in for a surprise!
Good afternoon, I hope I'm in the
right place. I'm looking for Lella.
Yes, she's here. Come in.
I understand she was training with you.
Yes, she's in training.
But to tell the truth, she's already quite good.
- She's a true professional.
- Where is she?
- She's with a client.
- Alone?
Yes, of course.
What's in the box?
Something that Lella really enjoys!
- Shall I give it to her?
- No, no, only Lella must see it.
Don't be embarrassed, ...
... everyone needs something
to stimulate their erotic fantasies.
- Why don't you call Lella?
- She'll be done in five minutes.
Five minutes? I hope it lasts that long.
Just hold on... stay focused.
That's not necessary, I already feel ...
... a little shiver up your spine?
No, a big shiver!
Besides, it's starting to melt.
- So, it's that urgent?
- I already told you that.
What if Lella is delayed?
It would be a disaster.
Then let me handle
this before it's too late.
Mother of God!
Actually...
I'm going to devour you!
- Just a moment... let me get undressed.
- Hold still...
How long have you gone without?
Since I was born!
Where should I start?
Say, Gloria...
- Alvaro!
- Lella!
So, this is your boyfriend?
You mind your own business!
And what are you doing here?
I brought you some ice
cream for your birthday.
Why are you dressed like that?
You look like a whore.
Alvaro, I...
What should I do with this?
I don't even like the stuff.
To hell with it...
Lella...
- By the way, how much do you charge?
- Fifty thousand.
So... fifty plus fifty makes a hundred...
Good... let's do a threesome!
Guys! You look like the "Night of
the Living Dead". Come on, cheer up!
- Always with your jokes!
- Will you ever change?
Come on, Ciotti is starting his rounds.
We need to hurry!
- No, not here!
- Over there!
Guys, women being as they are,
we don't mean to cause problems, ...
... we're just having fun.
Excuse me, Professor,
have you seen Miss Italia?
- Why?
- Because I'm supposed to have an injection.
- You need to have an injection?
- Yes.
The gentleman needs to have an injection.
Ah, the gentleman
needs to have an injection?
The gentleman needs to have an injection.
If I understand correctly, the
gentleman needs to have an injection.
- Yes, that's right.
- Very good! Come with us, we'll take care of it.
Don't worry, you won't feel any pain.
Alright, come in.
- That's it, don't worry.
- Bend over.
Now stay right there... brace yourself.
A little to the side... that's it.
Get comfortable.
Uncover your rear.
- Your ass.
- Relax your muscles!
Relax, you'll receive
an unforgettable injection.
That's it, don't move... remain still...
Good, his test results,
they're not the best.
- Give me the X-ray.
- Right away, Professor.
No wonder...
It's quite clear.
Tomorrow we'll make a small intervention, ...
... which will definitely fix it.
Happy?
Cicchirini, take charge of the preparations.
Leave it to me, Professor.
- Oh, Professor!
- Will you let me by, Miss?
Water...
Good, we'll continue
with his regular injections.
Are you responsible for him,
Ms. Cappia... Cappam?
Cappi, Professor.
The needle...
May we give you a hand, Doctor?
Yes! Yes!
Come, come... this may hurt a bit!
Now everything's ready.
- All set.
- Just relax, relax...
He requires an emergency operation.
I can't tomorrow. I'm too tired.
Then there's the weekend.
I'll operate on Monday.
What is it?
Who died?
You!
- It must have been you!
- No. We didn't do it!
- It must have been you! I'll...
- One, two and three... in my office!
We always take her with us.
It's a bad habit.
Courage, Doctor. Courage...
It's always the three of them
who organize these pranks.
What are you doing in my
office with your butt in the air?
I was hoping for an injection.
Go to the waiting room.
This isn't an outpatient surgery!
They told me to wait here.
See? Another example.
This is an affront to Professor Ciotti, ...
... and shows lack of respect
for a person of his stature.
I'll report you to the Academic
Senate and have you expelled.
Cicchirini, calm down!
And you... get out of here. Out!
What about my injection?
You expect me to give you an injection?
Get out! Out!
Motherfuckers...
- Did you do it?
- Me? No. Was it you?
- No, no! Maybe it was him.
- I didn't do... it was him.
It wasn't me.
Who is it?
"Who is it?" That's for me to say!
Who is it?
Am I disturbing you?
No, no, my dear. Come in.
You're never disturbing. To the contrary.
Come... come...
But, Professor, we haven't finished.
Can't you see that I have things to do?
I have a lot to do.
Aren't you going to report them to the
Academic Senate? Won't you expell them?
- I'll think about it.
- How magnanimous.
I'll make you pay for this,
or my name isn't Cicchirini.
- We're innocent.
- You're a bunch of fools!
We're what?
Are you really going to report
them to the Academic Senate?
Of course not.
That was just a joke.
When I was young, I was worse
than them, my dear Ms. Cappia.
Cappi, Professor. I just wanted to
make sure that nothing would happen to me.
Nothing yet...
Professor! What are you doing?
You haven't heard of the prowess
of "Professor Saw-Saw"?
I couldn't breathe!
It makes me not want to have sex.
I need breath mints?
No, darling, but I'd be
more comfortable in your home.
It's warmer and more relaxing.
- But it's much more romantic here.
- Alright...
Don't make a sound.
Who's there?
Oh, yes... I am.
- Hey, douche bag, get out of there!
- What does this mean?
- Come on, fuckface!
- Alright, pig... get out here!
Come on!
- Come on, come on!
- Get out here.
Don't hurt me,
I'm just a poor college student!
Poor, poor? Then we'll find
someone who'll pay for you.
No, not my mother!
Please, not my mother.
- Guys, what should we do?
- Let's knock him off!
No, no. Please!
I'll give you everything I have!
- Like what?
- Everything, everything. Candies?
No, I don't like breath mints.
This linen handkerchief.
My mother gave it to me for my birthday.
- It's not worth anything.
- Come on. Come on!
I have 16.600 liras to last
me to the end of the month.
- I'll take that.
- What about me?
You get nothing!
Okay, guys, we'll let him go and take her.
Out!
I'm also poor.
That's not true. She owns a ten
story building, a farm and livestock.
That's enough!
- We'll take her.
- Yes...
And you, douche bag,
take off your pants.
Yes, yes.
I'll take them off right away...
- I can't.
- Why not?
I crapped myself.
Drop your pants. Now!
Faster!
Pig!
Wimp!
Put on the hood.
- No!
- Put on the hood, bitch.
- No!
- Dammit...
Let go of me!
Help her down.
We are gentlemen.
We won't do anything to a woman.
Come on, get out.
Count to one hundred and take off the hood.
Let's go!
Miss... Miss...
- Doctor!
- Mr. Santarelli...
- What happened?
- Something... something terrible!
Three men kidnapped me.
- Oh, God...
- Three men?
- Yes... No!
- What is it?
No, it's not possible.
It's impossible!
What?
The three men...
were you and your friends!
Me?
I can't forgive your prank this time!
It wasn't funny, you understand?
- I'll have you thrown in jail.
- It wasn't us!
Twenty years in prison!
People don't do this for a joke!
You're thugs!
Criminals!
No, you mustn't call.
What are you doing?
Of course I'm calling.
Okay, I confess,
I was with my friends.
Ah, he confesses at last.
Of course.
I can't bear to see you with Dr. Cicchirini...
Hey, leave Dr. Cicchirini out of this.
He's my boyfriend.
He's an asshole.
He may be an asshole, but he's my...
What are you making me say?
Okay, fine. Make the call,
but first you should know I did it for you.
Sandro!
You mean... the Addison's disease, ...
... the fake kidnapping...
you did that for me?
Yes!
Meaning, ...
... I'm so important to you that ...
... that you ...
Yes...
God, it's cold.
Stop!
Stop, please!
I'm Dr. Cicchirini,
can you give me a lift?
Hey, slow down.
What happened to you?
I've been robbed!
16,600 liras, my girlfriend...
- Give me a ride, I can't go any farther.
- Come on, get in.
My God, what a terrible experience.
Mother of God...
That's the truth!
- What is it?
- I'm not sure, but that's a serious stench!
- And it's getting worse!
- God, yes...
What a stench!
Don't you notice the smell?
I can't stand it.
What a terrible experience!
It smells like something died!
Haven't you noticed it, too?
Yes, but there are several
tanneries around here.
- Tanneries?
- Tanneries.
If they're tanning hides,
it's the skin from the ass.
- A tough one!
- Stop, I can't stand this stench.
Stop! I think it's coming
from that guy in the back!
- Are you going to leave me like this?
- Wimp!
Dear God, it's not fair.
A dog!
Quiet, I'm Dr. Cicchirini!
See that? I'm getting better.
You look like a fisherman at a taco stand.
- Now, watch this.
- Not bad for a beginner.
In the corner pocket.
It's up to you, Benito.
Come on, cheer up!
Come on, play.
- Let's see what he can do.
- Now you'll find out.
- What are you doing, Benito?
-What's wrong?
Guys... I just want to say ...
... that next week I turn 32.
And so... ?
I can't go on like this.
- I'll be graduating.
- It's about time.
Then I'll get a job.
Actually, I wanted to tell you, ...
... that next week ...
... I'm getting married.
What can I say?
Buy me a nice gift.
Benito's getting married? To whom?
I don't know.
Beloved, ...
... you come to the house of the Lord ...
... so that your love
can be sanctified by God, ...
... by the Minister of the
Church and the Community.
Christ blesses this love and commands
you to be faithful to each other, ...
... bearing together the
responsibilities of marriage, ...
... you are enriched with the Sacrament, ...
... having been consecrated through baptism.
I now ask your intentions before
the members of the Church.
Italia and Benito, ...
... have you come here to join
in marriage without coercion, ...
... but freely and conscously aware
of the step you are about to take?
Are you willing to love and honor your...
Why do I have to attend
this absurd ceremony?
Because he's your student, ...
- ... and she's the former nurse of your boss.
- He's a jerk and she's useless!
The last time I saw
Ciotti he suggested I take ...
... a trivial position with
the public health service.
If it is your solemn intention to
enter the sacred bond of marriage, ...
... join hands and express
such to God and the Church...
- Yes?
- You have some shitty friends.
They didn't want to be witnesses, and they
haven't even deigned to come to your wedding.
... to each other for
life in Sacred Marriage?
Ah... yes!
- Have you come here, or not?
- What?
To join in marriage without coercion, ...
... but freely and conscously aware
of the step you are about to take?
Are you willing to love and honor each other
for the rest of your lives in Holy Matrimony?
I beg your pardon?
Hear our prayers ...
- Where's the lunatic?
- There he is!
- Grab him!
- Seize that lunatic!
- We take care of this.
- Come with us, madman.
What are you doing?
Benito!
Motherfuckers!
What kind of a joke is this?
Get in!
Let's go, we saved him!
- Benito!
- Call me Ben!
I'll fail them! I'll fail them all.
They're expelled... all of them!
- Clean the chalkboard, please.
- Right away.
Today we'll examine the corpse ...
... of a man who died from peritonitis.
For a better view, I suggest
you move down to the front rows.
I see many new faces here today.
Let me tell you freshmen something.
If you've never seen a
corpse before, don't be alarmed.
A corpse is only a person that doesn't move.
Now, let's begin our
class in gross anatomy.
We can start by ...
Well, we can begin ...
... our gross anatomy class.
Remember to take notes!
What is that?
A dead man's hand, right?
Help!
Wait for me.
Get out of the way.
The dead man is escaping!
In the name of Medicine, stop!
- Run!
- God, it's cold.
- Hurry!
- Where?
- Wait here.
- Wait here?
No... over there!
According to the latest theories on
paragenetics, prenatal sexuality is ...
Where did he go?
He went down that way,
Doctor, toward the toilets.
- Have you seen him?
- Who?
My God! What is this?
Carnal violence?
Did you see a naked man come in here?
Naked? No!
Where is he?
Open.
Open.
Open!
Open up!
It's Dr. Cicchirini.
What's all the excitement about, Doctor?
What are you doing in here?
The janitors' restroom is downstairs.
Doctor, you know that I suffer
from hypertrophy of the prostate, ...
... commonly called prostatism,
the symptoms of which are:
First, frequent urination, and ...
... second, difficulty in
sustaining the urine flow.
As I recall, classes are
held in the classroom, ...
... to which you are not authorized.
Did you see a naked man come in here?
- A naked man?
- Naked.
Do you often see naked men?
Well, in fact, there
recently was a case where...
But why am I telling you?
You're a moron.
I'm not allowed to share that
kind of confidential information.
Remember, you're nothing
but a common worker, ...
... while I'm Dr. Cicchirini.
Benito. Benito, hi...
Ben. You're supposed to call me Ben.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Alright...
Children shouldn't have to
bear the sins of their parents.
- Hi!
- Hi, how are you?
- My friends!
- You had to touch the woman's legs, eh?
Tell me, how is Professor Cappi down there?
She's wonderful!
- It seemed a bit crude to me.
- Where's Lella?
Alvero, I think we've had enough,
with all that we're doing for you, ...
... for your sex education.
- Yes, but I still want to do Lella.
- Your sex education is out of date.
Hey, look at that ass! Who is it?
Dr. Laura Bonezzi,
Professor Cicchirini's girlfriend.
- No!
- Yes...
So... the bigger the asshole,
the more beautiful the girlfriend?
- I heard my name.
- Good morning, Professor.
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything, did you?
- No, I didn't. Maybe you mentioned him?
- I didn't say anything. I thought he did.
- No, it was him.
- Me?
Whoever spoke, raise your hand.
- He's the one who spoke.
- I didn't raise my hand, Professor.
Funny... very funny.
I'll remember you.
Are you going to send us a postcard?
Hi, Honey.
- What was that about?
- Nothing. I'll fail them all.
- All of them?
- Every one of them.
- Why?
- They're bastards, sons of bitches.
Let's go.
Come on, that's not for you.
- Master?
- Yes?
- Your snack.
- Thank you.
- Shall I pour the tea?
- Yes, thanks.
Do you want some milk?
Master? Milk?
Yes, milk... lots of milk.
- Sandro? Sandro.
-Yes, mama?
Why haven't you gone to study with Alvaro?
Because Alvaro has a class in...
applied sexology.
- Why didn't you go, too?
- Go? I'll go... hopefully.
- Go, Maria.
- Yes, ma'am.
And now back to your studies.
You have exams coming up.
Whatever...
No!
- Why not?
- Because I don't feel like it.
Everyone else is doing it.
Sit still and watch the movie.
- Look at what he's doing.
- If you knew what I'd do...
I just wanted to see if it still worked.
If it worked, or the backup?
They call me Perennial Powder.
Besides, after a year behind bars...
Then everything's okay.
Do you remember Agnes Badoer?
Her stage name, as I recall, was Inés...?
Attack!
Alvaro, sit still.
Is that all you can think about?
Yes, it's the only thing.
- And you already know I don't.
- But, we're engaged!
Precisely. So have patience, okay?
- I have it, it's you who doesn't.
- Have what?
- A hard on...
- Alvaro, you're a pig!
No, no... I didn't mean it.
Wait, Lella. Where are you going?
I won't go to the movies with you again!
Does that mean you have to slap me?
Lella...
- You have to learn to respect me.
- Yeah, yeah... okay, wait...
Hey, Casanova, you
trying to hit the bull's-eye?
Yeah, the one painted on
your sister's ass, douchebag.
What did you say?
Sorry, my mistake.
Hey guys, I can't take it anymore.
It stays hard all the time!
- Can you pee?
- Because of Lella, eh?
How can Lella do that?
To me? Don't you see?
With all those blessings from God...
Journalists says that today's young people
make love without hang-ups... uninhibited.
Why don't the journalists interview me?
I'd tell them the truth,
I've never laid a hand on her.
Meanwhile, you make love
with your left hand's sister.
- Who's sister?
- Your left hand.
The sister of my left hand is...
Oh, go fuck yourself!
You're kidding around with me,
but there is something wrong!
Of course there's something wrong.
Lella is engaged to you because your
parents have money. They own a bar.
No, that isn't true.
Lella is a nice girl!
Anyway, I don't care. I want Lella!
Your Lella is nothing but a drag!
In short, what you need is a woman.
- Do you want a woman tonight?
- Yes, please!
Should we get him
a woman for tonight?
Yes, get her for me.
I want her... please!
- How much money do you have?
- Money? Don't you have money?
- I don't.
- Wait, wait a moment!
- I have one coin.
- Don't worry.
Sex is a matter of timing and technique,
and if you have neither, ...
... we'll invent something.
- Miss... ?
-20.000.
You've touched my heart.
Oh, no!
I don't do anything for less than 20,000.
Allow me. I'm Dr. Cicchirini
from the University Hospital ...
Oh really? Why should I care?
This is a humanitarian case. A case
that only you can resolve. Trust me.
Did you come out here just to tease me?
No, I'd never do such a thing.
But you must come with me!
Go where with you?
- Please come with me.
- Where? Don't touch me!
- I beg you, come with me.
- Where are you taking me?
I'll explain. There's a young man
in the ambulance, only 20 years old.
Hovering between life and death...
So what can I do?
Just look at the state he's in ...
See?
There he is. How's he doing?
The poor thing.
Yes, the poor thing.
He's in bad shape, about to die.
And you know what he
keeps saying in his delirium?
"I want a woman. Before I die, ...
... I want the immeasurable
pleasure of seeing a woman."
He's right, the poor thing.
So, here's what you should do.
Go in there, uncover yourself a bit,
show your legs ...
- But ...
- Don't you see, by doing this good deed, ...
... in the morning all the angels
in heaven will sing your name.
- What is your name?
- Brigida Bonazzi.
Brigida Bonazzi.
Yes, all the angels in heaven
will sing "Brigida Bonazzi" ...
Get out, get out.
Get in there, Brigida Bonnazzi.
Saint Brigida Bonazzi.
Enter, Brigida Bonazzi, enter.
You are very beautiful, my darling.
- This won't hurt him?
- No, you'll do him a world of good.
Oh, you're so cute...
Did you see that?
Cute little nose...
I can't hear anything.
I hope the bastard actually
fucks that whore before it's over.
Who would fuck that?
- Are you in bad shape, poor thing?
- Who, me?
Oh, you lost your memory, eh?
- Quiet, now, and you'll see.
- Yes... I see.
Alright, slowly... first I remove this...
Did you hear something? Listen...
Slowly, slowly...
Yes, now you'll see my beautiful legs.
Like so... and so...
Fuck it! Now I'll show you!
Hold still, don't move.
I order you!
- Let me go. Don't touch me!
- Quiet. Don't resist!
Hey, there's something going on!
We'd better go see.
What are doing with my purse?
I didn't do anything. Help!
It's all steamed up...
It was just a joke,
don't you understand? Help!
You wanted to trick me, eh?
Whoa! Come back here, you pig!
Not with the purse!
Guys, aren't you going to help me?
And you too, you wretches!
Antonio!
- Antonio? Who's Antonio?
- Damn, she called her pimp!
- Hold still!
- Let's get out of here!
- Come back here!
- Start it up, here comes the pimp!
- Antonio!
- Damn bastards, sons of whores!
Great sons of bitches!
I'm going to kill you!
- Antonio, did you see what they did to me?
- What did they do? Do you know them?
No... I don't know.
One was a Dr. Cicchirini ...
I'll take care of him! I sure will...
Good evening, Mr. Benito, where
did you go for a good time tonight?
Where do you think I went, ma'am?
Out with my friends.
I know what today's youth get up to
with their friends. Now where's the rent?
I'm still waiting for a check from my aunt.
Is she really your aunt?
Handsome young men always find
someone willing to pay for them.
My aunt is 70 years old,
and she's paying for my medical studies.
A doctor told her she
suffers from 14 diseases.
He makes her happy, giving her lots of drugs.
I know. She told me herself.
Even if she's not your aunt,
there would be nothing wrong.
A real woman knows how to surrender
herself in bed. Not like the girls today.
I give my all in bed.
Do you find that so wrong?
No, but I have a bad stomachache.
- Can I give you a little massage?
- No... no!
So hungry for love,
but I can only look on...
- Who is it?
- It's Italia.
Come in...
Professor, everything is
ready for the operation.
Italia, come over here and
take a look at this. Come closer!
Come here, Italia!
This is the land of saints and poets...
Professor... the operation!
You two!
The comedians.
Is this the first time you've
assisted in an operation?
- Yes, Doctor.
- Good. You'll be in the front row.
Nobody better faint when
you get splashed with blood, ...
... or other bodily fluids.
And don't even think about vomiting.
- You others can remain behind.
-Thank you, Doctor.
Wash your hands well!
I don't want unclean
people in the operating room.
- Good morning, Professor!
- Good morning, Professor!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Greetings! You must be the new students.
Did you explain that if they have to
pass out, they must fall backwards?
Yes, Professor.
- Italia, the towel.
- Italia, the towel!
Moroni, you're here again?
How is that?
Professor, attending an operation of yours ...
... is like attending a concert by Rubinstein.
What a suck-up.
Cicchirini, we've found
someone who surpasses even you!
Well, let's operate.
Come along...
You! Here, here... and here!
Quickly, come on.
Get him onto the operating table.
Dear God, you'll anesthetize me, right?
Don't worry.
Here we are. What is it?
Gallbladder.
Do you want to see the X-rays?
They aren't necessary.
I'll remove it once we've opened him up.
Just a moment, excuse me...
You shut up.
The patient isn't supposed to speak.
Do you want make me
nervous so I make a ragged cut?
So it's the gallbladder.
You want to tell me where it is?
- Ah... here?
- Great!
Perforate the stomach,
with bleeding that within a half hour ...
... will kill the patient.
Congratulations.
Stupid moron! It's higher...
Cicchirini!
I'm the only who calls someone a moron here.
You're absolutely right, Professor.
No one says "moron" like you.
Thank you, moron!
So, are we going to find that gallbladder, ...
... or postpone the operation until tomorrow?
With all this mess, that might be better.
- Silence!
- Silence!
Well, can you tell me
where the gallbladder is?
- Ah... here?
- Good, good. And where would you cut?
- From here to here.
- That's it! How will you position your hand?
What is it, Moroni?
Do you have something to say?
Do you want to perform the operation?
No, no, Professor,
I was just enjoying your words.
Enough horseplay!
Take a break from sex for a few minutes.
I need to start operating.
If you don't turn off the light,
I won't get any sleep.
Excuse me, aren't you Dr. Ciotti?
Yes, isn't it obvious?
No, it's only that I think I'm
in the wrong operating room.
Why do you say that?
Because I came in for hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids?
Hemorrhoids!
Hemorrhoids...
Cicchirini, between the
gallbladder and hemorrhoids, ...
... there's quite a difference!
I'll take a half hour break.
Get him prepped,
and I'll make him a nice new ass.
A nice new ass?
- How did the old one get broken?
- Mistakes happen, just ask your sister.
- Ciao, Amadeo!
- I don't care to greet you.
Show some courtesy...
We practiced cutting,
and the blood was horrendous.
I say it's not possible...
Guys, look.
Isn't that the pimp over there?
- The pimp?
- He's as big as a wardrobe.
The big guy?
He's coming over here.
Who is he?
Hopefully he won't see us.
I think we should run away.
No, just relax and show an innocent face.
No, relax and get a swollen face!
Don't you see who it is?
Hello, Paulino.
Dr. Sughirini... Ceggirini...?
- Dr. Cichhirini?
- Yes.
He's over there.
Pardon me...
When people act like that,
I'm tempted to give them a beating.
Remember that we have to
go pick up the new car today...
- You're Dr. Cicchirini?
- Yes, why do you ask?
Brigida Bonazzi.
You've had a sex change?
- Brigida Bonazzi.
- She's not my patient.
Excuse me.
Do you mind, Miss?
Paulino!
So you learn not to bother
an honest street worker.
What happened?
We'll take care of him.
Help me, please.
Who is Brigida Bonazzi?
Four Fernet Brancas for the gentlemen.
Thank you.
Down and back...
Look... how beautiful.
Look at these tits!
Look at her ass!
Mama...
You're up, Alvaro.
What are you doing?
We'll all be arrested for indecent
assault... on an inflatable doll.
You see her curves.
Like Lella, eh?
Alvaro, I never tire of telling you, ...
... you're a rich idiot and a jerk.
Women must be treated with an iron hand.
You need to show Lella that you're a man!
So I decided it's best if we
don't see each other anymore.
If that's what you want.
Too bad, I made a crochet
bikini to wear this summer, ...
- ... and I wanted to model it for you.
- A bikini?
- Yes. Do you want me to show you?
- Well, if you want to...
I'll try it on, but don't take advantage of the
fact that my parents have gone to Florence, ...
- ... and won't return until this evening.
- No...
- And don't look through the keyhole.
- Trust me!
- Good.
- Go ahead, I'm a gentleman.
- You're sure you won't spy on me?
- I told you I wouldn't.
- I'll be back in a moment. I'm going now.
- Please...
You're not looking?
No, trust me!
I want things between us ...
... to remain pleasant
and pure until we're married.
Then everything will go well.
It will be quite normal.
You're not looking, are you?
Alvaro, what are you doing on the floor?
I was doing yoga.
You like it?
Well... not bad.
It's nice, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Do you like or not?
Well... perhaps...
Come here!
No, Alvaro, don't!
You said you wouldn't!
Don't listen to all the crap I say!
- You gave me your word, didn't you?
- I only said I wouldn't look!
- What is it?
- Are you a doctor?
- Yes... well, occasionally...
- Come with me!
-Where?
- Upstairs...
My wife can't sleep.
Dolores is in pain.
- Dolores?
- She's in great pain.
Maybe she just needs a purge?
No, no... not that way.
Go on in... check her out!
Excuse me...
Bitte...
I'm here to... to examine you.
Bitte...
- Do you understand anything I said?
- Bitte...
- How do you say, "examine you"?
- Oh, ja...
- So... you must undress.
- Oh... bitte?
- Undress?
- Ja...
- Here?
- Nein.
- Here?
- Nein there.
Where does it hurt?
- Here.
- Katzen?
Ja, katzen! Ja!
You're not a doctor!
You're a liar!
I guessed it right away.
I'm not stupid,
I'm a German from Germany.
No, you're a German from Hell...!
All right, dear?
Are you excited now?
We can finally make love.
We found our idiot for today.
"You can't come here every day."
Why not?
"Because you stand there like an idiot."
Why do I look like an idiot?
"Because. Just because."
Okay, I'm going.
I've decided... I'm going!
"But where are you going?"
I'm just going.
"Where do you want to go?"
I've decided, I'm going. I'm going.
Since you've decided,
may I accompany you?
Ah... yes.
Then let's go!
Walk.
With all this traffic,
you'd never be able to cross.
That's true. I'm so slow...
- Sandro, are you tied to her?
- No, I...
- What are you doing?
- Come on! Hurry, ma'am!
Where did you find her?
In a nursing home?
- Very clever!
- Were you taking her home?
Go! Go!
Hey, guys,
Professor Cicchirini bought a new car.
- No!
- Yes!
- I don't believe it.
- I tell you he did!
- Are we going to let this opportunity pass?
- No...
Okay, guys, here's a question.
Which car is Cicchirini's?
I think it's the one under the canvas.
Bravo! Right answer.
- Goodbye, Mama.
- Paulino...
Mama!
I have to go,
we'll see you this afternoon, okay?
I'm making meatballs for dinner.
Meatballs...
Thanks, Mama.
Thank you. I'll be on time.
Did you hear that? My dear mother
is making meatballs for my dinner.
Which I'll do when we're married.
That won't be necessary.
Mama will make them.
What?
Didn't I tell you?
We wanted to surprise you.
She's coming to live with us.
Don't you think that's a great idea?
Sure. But I thought that
once we were married, ...
... we'd live together by ourselves.
Laura, not here!
You know how nosy the porter is.
- Come on, let's hide!
- They're coming... they're coming!
She won't bother us at all.
On the contrary, she'll be a big help.
She does everything at home.
She's second to none!
- Oh yeah?
- What time is it?
4:30.
Do you want a ride home,
or do you have consultations?
What? I've rescheduled all my appointments.
Didn't we plan to spend the afternoon together?
I have to stop by the clinic.
Ciotti is visiting tomorrow.
Ciotti... Ciotti... Ciotti!
Are you engaged to him or to me?
Laura, you're a girl.
Don't you get it?
If I join Ciotti's clinic,
do you realize what that means?
Yes, you're set for life. You've told
me many times. But what about me?
Laura, listen.
First of all, I'll tell you...
Help!
They've stolen my new car!
It's not here. Not here!
Where is it?
I want an X-ray of his kidney.
That old man is about to die.
So I'll operate on him immediately.
We also need to run
some tests on patient 22.
Sorry I'm late, but I had to
pay the deposit to recover my car.
You see, it had already been towed and...
Why are you telling me about your problems?
Fair enough... where are we going?
Ah, the hemorrhoids.
How are you doing?
- Professor, my balls hurt.
- Those are easily removed.
- No, I still need them!
- Maybe in the next life.
Ah, my dear Sandokan, how are you?
Bad... bad...
Good, let's take a look.
Loss of appetite,
weakness, weight loss, ...
... asthenia, nausea, vomiting,
and a nice bronze color.
Addison's disease.
You know how lucky you are?
This afflicts just one in ten thousand.
One in ten thousand!
Addison's disease.
Hey, you know I'm entranced by you...?
- You! You! The stomach.
- Oh, well... thank you!
Not yours, moron.
The patient's!
Ah, yes.
Professor, do you think he's pregnant?
Do you think this is the time for jokes?
Cretin! Palpate... feel it, feel it!
You see? It's aerophagia.
Who was that? I'll have you all before the
Academic Senate! I'll have you expelled...
Have mercy, Cicchirini, don't start!
There's an echo in here...
Trust me, you won't regret...
Oh... damn.
- Sir, would you like to go in now?
- Yes, thanks.
Come in, please.
Don't I you know you?
No, I don't think so.
Yes... at the college. You helped
me put my boyfriend in a taxi.
It was very kind of you.
I remember it... quite well.
Why are you here?
You see, I...
- Would you like me to examine you?
- Yes, I feel bad... very bad.
Please...
Undress.
- Even my...?
- Yes.
Lie down.
Tell me, what are your symptoms?
I have nausea, fatigue, loss of appetite.
Let's listen to your heart.
It seems a bit excited.
This restricts me. Do you mind?
Please...
Now I'm more comfortable. Let's see...
Yes, it's very excited.
Oh... sorry!
They make bras so small these days.
- Is that better?
- Sure...
- Let's see where it hurts. Here?
- No.
- How about here?
- No...
Here?
No, eh?
So how about here?
How strange. And here?
Then how about here?
In fact, it is a little swollen.
Yes...
There is only one way to cure this.
Sir? Sir?
Sir! Sir!!
- Sir... the doctor is waiting.
- Oh, yes, thank you.
- Sit down, please.
- Yes.
- Don't you remember me?
- Sorry?
You see, I feel weak, tired, no appetite...
- Let's have a look.
- Yes.
- Follow me.
- I'm coming.
Undress.
Fine... that's enough.
You can sit.
It's nothing serious.
Just a little exhaustion.
- So... ?
- You're quite healthy.
What about fatigue,
loss of appetite and all that?
Don't worry,
take this and you'll feel better.
Good morning.
- What do you want?
- Is Sandro at home?
- No, actually, no one's here.
- All right, tell him we'll come back.
Hey, dear colleague,
maybe we'd better wait here.
I don't know whether they'd...
Miss, I'm Professor Moroni.
I teach Endocrinoginecologentropia.
- This is my assistant, Dr. Ognissanti.
- Yes, we're very important.
- Come in. Come in, please.
-Thank you. Thank you.
Please, sit down, Professor.
Would you like a drink?
- Whiskey.
- J & B.
- What are you doing?
- Didn't you notice how pretty she is?
- Who, the maid?
- Beautiful, young, naive, exuberant...
- The lady doesn't... ?
- No...
- She doesn't know you?
- Know me? No!
- Perfect!
- Shut up, here she comes.
Thank you.
- Miss...
- Yes?
Do you often suffer from migraines?
Occasionally.
Nausea, dyspepsia, schizophrenia?
Well, actually...
Progressive pain in the legs?
Why? Am I sick?
- It's possible.
- It could be serious.
Please, Professor, help me.
We would have to examine you.
- Nude?
- Are you ashamed?
- Well, actually...
- Miss, we're doctors.
On any day we see a lot of naked women.
Well, then...
Good, we'll help you.
- Lie down on the couch.
- You'll be more comfortable.
- Let's examine you.
- Lie down, trust us.
Unfasten this...
- Everything, Doctor?
- Yes, it's the best way. That's how it's done.
Next time wear something
with a zipper, please.
Come, lie anatomically flat,
as we say.
- There.
- Just like that.
What do you think, my colleague?
I would start with "intramuscular rigidum."
From the front or rear?
That depends on the patient's readiness.
Exactly!
Tell me, does it hurt here?
- No.
- That's normal... "Willful insensitivity."
How about here?
- No...
- No?
What do you think, colleague?
- Colleague! What do you think?
- "Imminent Horniness."
That's the same feeling I have.
I propose we look more deeply.
Yes, "Deeper is always appropriate."
"Take full advantage".
Now, pay attention.
Tell me, do you feel pleasure or pain here?
- Well... pleasure.
- It's just as I thought.
- You need a shot of "my-hard".
- And mine is not?
Oh, yes... do it! Do it!
What are my friends doing to you?
Benito, how is this possible?
God forgive me!
"My-hard"!!
You can go, Miss.
First, call me Ben.
And second, can't you take a joke?
No, I can't accept
a stupid joke like this, ...
... because she'll tell my
mother and set off a disaster.
- What, you're angry?
- Yes.
- For another reason?
- Yes.
- What... a woman?
- Yes.
- You fell in love again?
- Yes.
- Asshole.
- Yes.
- Asshole.
- Yes, yes...
Asshole.
Addison's disease: chronic and
severely acute adrenal insufficiency, ...
... bronze skin color...
Addison's disease, Addison's disease, ...
Addisoniche Krankheit.
What the fuck does that mean?
- Who is it?
- May I come in?
Mr. Santarelli.
What's this foolishness?
How are you feeling?
A little depressed,
my strength is failing, ...
... and look. Look.
These are all symptoms of Addison's Disease.
It's not possible!
- Next. What's your name?
- Mukendi Ngalula.
- Mukendi what?
- Mukendi Ngalula.
- What do you want?
- A skull... for dinner tonight.
- Take good care of him.
- Doctor, there's a call for you.
Next!
Hello?
Hi, Laura.
Yes.
I assure you, it's Addison's Disease.
Don't worry.
If treated in time, it's harmless.
Hey, this is a human being!
The poor boy has told me everything.
He has no family.
He doesn't even have Social Security.
Alright, alright...
Look, Laura, I have class now.
You know what I mean...
Yes, I understand.
This case doesn't interest you.
Fine, I'll treat him at my office.
No, don't worry,
I won't take him to Ciotti's clinic.
Okay, okay... goodbye.
- My God, I feel sick!
- What's wrong?
I feel real bad.
I'm have a heart attack!
- A heart attack?
- A heart attack in my ass.
- A heart attack in your ass?
- You're really vulgar.
It's an ass infarction.
- It was just a joke. Don't get mad.
- Of course not.
If you walk past
I can't look at your ass?
- Come on, make peace.
-I don't want to.
- Is it true what they say?
-What?
You chose medicine to study the birds?
That's veterinary medicine, right?
Not birds, but "bird angles"...
The ones who fly up to your ass.
That's an old joke.
Come on, guys.
Professor Cicchirini is about to arrive!
Hey, you know everything,
can I take a bath if I have diarrhea?
Yes, if you have it real bad!
Come on, you'll be late.
I always have it bad.
Italia... Italia... Italia!
Land of saints, poets, sailors.
Wow, like I never had that before!
Of course, I didn't
imagine I was the first.
Hey, Moroni,
you're not supposed to be in here.
If Professor Ciotti sees you
there'll be trouble.
I don't care, I'll take the risk.
And if it does happen,
I'll say that it was for the love of Italy.
Stop, Moroni!
By the way, ...
... you're not to take advantage
during examinations and touch my ...
Don't say that!
If only I could sleep with you,
fondling the Alps, ...
... gazing upon the wonders of
Sicily, Calabria and Campania, ...
... resting my head between the
rich and verdant hills of Romagnese, ...
... and then, through the Porta Pia,
triumphantly enter into Rome.
Bravo, Moroni!
Bravo, honors in Geography!
What are you thinking? College isn't
a gymnasium for your erotic exercises!
Shame on you!
And learn to respect nurses, ...
... those celestial beings who
sacrifice their whole life for the sick.
Get out! They don't have to be
treated like common prostitutes! Out!
- I beg your pardon, Professor...
- Get out!
- Italia.... Italia... land of poets...
- Professor!
- ... of saints, sailors.
- What are you doing? Here?
- There's no place that excites me more!
- But we're in the operating room.
Precisely, my dear... precisely!
As I announced, ...
... today you'll see a
recording of an appendectomy ...
... performed by Professor Ciotti last year.
I will personally answer
any questions as...
- Moroni!
- Good morning, Professor.
Please continue.
Moroni, you're late, you've interrupted me, and
you think to be entertained by the television.
Clearly, college is a game to you, ...
... but at least have a little
consideration for others.
I just adjusted the television, that's all.
Now that we're all here, ...
... before describing the operation, ...
... I would like to make
some introductory remarks.
During this appendectomy, ...
... you'll be able to see the perfect
technique employed by Professor Ciotti.
Silence!
I know there's no sound.
For years, Professor Ciotti has refined ...
... his operating technique to perfection.
The patient has not been anesthetized.
Using only a local,
so that Professor Ciotti ...
... can have a frank
and open relationship ...
... with the patient
throughout the entire operation.
Bravo! Bravo! That was great.
Long live Ciotti!
This patient was in perfect condition.
In other cases, the patient had
to be strengthened with a course of...
Silence! Silence!
... with a course of vitamins and
anti-inflammatory drugs. Silence!
Italia!
Silence! Will you let me speak?
Silence! Be quiet!
Professor Ciotti...
Professor!
Be quiet, the sound is coming on!
Yes, scalpel... gauze... saw... saw... saw...
Saw... saw... saw...
Professor! Professor!
I'm busy.
But this is urgent, Professor!
Go to hell, Cicchirini, I'm busy!
The television...
I don't give interviews!
Professor, the televison's on
and everyone's watching you!
What will they see? That I'm
the greatest surgeon in the world!
Professor, it's the closed circuit television!
No! No!
They're making a fool of the great surgeon!
- Everyone ready?
- Let's sing her a serenade.
- I'll sing baritone.
- Get into position.
You sing tenor,
You and I in baritone.
Attention! 1, 2 and 3.
Saw... saw...
The Professor wanted to saw.
Cicchirini taped it all,
and tomorrow we'll see him on TV.
Hey, beautiful!
Italia! Viva Italia!
I'll show them...
Saw... saw...
The Professor wanted to saw.
Cicchirini taped it all,
and tomorrow we'll see him on TV.
- She's throwing water on us!
- Dammit!
Why did you throw water on us?
That's bullshit!
Don't you like to be serenaded?
We're artists.
Now we're wet artists.
- Wait, I have an idea.
- What?
Go wait for me at the pool hall.
I'll handle this.
Wait for me there. Go... go!
God, I'm all wet.
Get in... are you rusty yet?
- Don't you have any oil?
- Shut the door and and start the car!
- Good evening, Italia.
- Oh, Moroni, it's you.
Yes, I realize that we offended you, ...
... and I've come to apologize.
Trust me.
Alright, come in.
You're all wet.
Thank you.
I'll get a towel.
Give me your jacket.
Thank you, you're very kind.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- It's kind of you to see me, my dear.
- Never mind that... dry yourself.
Thank you.
Here, let me do that.
Italia, when I saw you with Ciotti,
I became insanely jealous.
Stop, Moroni!
Don't make me regret my kindness!
Italia, don't you realize that I've
wished for this moment for years?
- Moroni...
- And now that we're alone...
Watch out, Moroni...
Italia, I want you...
I want you very much.
Moroni, I asked you not to do that!
How dare you?
Look, I...
No, you shouldn't hit
me just because I'm terrible...
Moron? Did I hurt you?
Moroni?
Moroni, are you hurt?
Moroni? Benito?
Benito. Benito...
- Benito...
- Call me Ben.
Jerk!
- Hey guys, I'm here!
- You're late.
- Italia is taken care of...
- What did she say to you?
Next time she'll do
it for the Italian people.
You sound like a politician.
Alvaro, if your parents call mine,
we've gone hiking, okay?
Sure, we're all in Honolulu.
Don't worry.
Oh, God... the bronzing cream!
- Here, you gave it to me earlier.
- How much do I have left?
I don't understand
how you can stoop so low.
Take this, to strengthen you.
Can you find out who that girl
is with both arms messed up?
Good morning, Mr. Santarelli.
You're his friends?
No, we're with the
Trustworthy Cleaning Service for newborns.
Yes, we throw out the defective ones.
How do you you feel?
Where does it hurt?
Where?
Here? Or here?
Where is it? I got it!
Your temperature is normal.
How do you feel?
Go away... go away...
Well, Doctor, we'll be leaving now.
Yes, we have an
appointment at the funeral home.
Are you unhappy?
It's not a physical pain,
it's an emotional reaction.
You believed something was wrong
and began to complain.
But now you're under my care.
I'll need to do a series of tests.
First, it's best to
completely empty the bowels.
Let's start with a little enema.
- That hurts!
- Shut up!
Is there anything for me, ma'am?
- You're expecting mail?
- Yes, from my aunt... for the rent.
Don't worry about the rent,
we can reach an accord.
That's what worries me.
By the way, a friend of yours called.
A certain Sandro.
He said that it's quite urgent, and you should
call right away. I wrote his number here.
- Can I use your phone?
- Please... use anything you want.
- My hand.
- Forgive me.
Yes, put him through!
Benito, you have to save me!
You've got to help. It's my belly.
What? Speak up!
I can't hear you.
I need a piss specimen... from number 22.
From Sandokan. It's urgent!
What? Piss?
Piss?
Why do you need some piss?
For analysis. Hurry up!
Oh, you pig...
Ah, for analysis.
Number 22, Sandokan. Yes, okay.
Sandro. Sandro. What's wrong?
The sink!
Look what I do for a friend.
We're just trying
to help him get laid.
Whatever. He's in love!
Hey, Sandokan!
Tiger of Malaysia!
Sandokan... time to wake up!
What?
We're going to take a
urine sample for analysis.
They already took one this morning.
- It's a new analysis... "Wasserman".
- Wasserman?
Yes, there are things that can
happen if you're not careful.
Hey, what if we make a cocktail?
Yeah, that will teach him a lesson.
Ready, eh?
- Benito!
- Dear God, who's that?
At your age,
still doing these things?
Well, actually...
... it's a review on the extraction of urine.
Ready...
... forward!
Mr. Santarelli!
- What?
- What are you doing?
You mustn't tire yourself.
Get into bed!
What is it?
Nothing, nothing.
I've just seen the analysis.
- The analysis?
- Yes.
- You're hiding something.
- No, no.... just relax.
I don't want to die.
Calm down, calm down.
There must be some mistake, surely.
Help me, help me.
Yes, but you have to calm down,
there's no cause for alarm.
I feel lonely.
I need a lot of affection.
But... Mr. Santarelli!
I'm very afraid.
Why did you do that, Mr. Santorelli?
I don't understand...
- Call Me Sandro.
- Yes, of course... whatever.
Thank you.
Sandro... I have to get back to work.
Damn...
- Lella, can I give you a lift?
- No thank you.
- Are you mad at me?
- No... no way!
Well then, hop on... I'll take you home.
I'm not going home.
I'm going for some training at a friend's house.
A doctor friend?
- Why are you so interested?
- Is it a doctor friend?
What if it is?
So you're saying we're finished?
- It was your idea.
- Alright, but I can still take you there?
- As far as the tram stop.
- As far as the tram stop.
Start, dammit.
- Won't it start?
- No, it won't start.
First you invite me
and then it won't not start.
Did you have fail me right now?
Hey, watch out!
- Don't touch me!
- Come on, Lella, just a little.
- No... stop here!
- Let go of my hair. Let go!
- You never change.
- Come on, all I want is a little kiss.
- You kissed my hands.
- Yeah, but only one.
What do you want?
- Where are you going? Come here. Let's talk.
- Go to hell!
You got what you deserved!
Flirt!
Damn!
You're finally here.
Where have you come from?
From college.
- Are you still with Alvaro?
- Yes.
You're really stupid.
- Will you help me?
- Yes, of course.
- How long have you been engaged?
- Two years.
Two years?
And on top of that you're
studying medicine to be near him.
No doubt, a doctor makes a lot, ...
... but not until Alvaro earns his degree.
Well, his parents don't lack for money.
Money? As far as I know,
they only own a bar.
A bar? But you know what is?
A sports bar!
- The one on the plaza?
- Yes, that's the one.
Ah, then you're rich!
I'm not stupid.
I have him on a leash.
I won't give him anything
until we're married.
He's not handsome, but...
As an expert, I can tell that you
have a future. You know that?
- Where is it?
- Over there.
Because despite being an amateur,
you're already better than many professionals.
In all modesty ...
Gloria, here's yours.
- Thank you.
- Will you help me?
Of course.
If you manage to marry Alvaro, ...
- ... then I'll live like a lady.
- Yes.
Good afternoon, Senator!
You see, we've dressed the way you like!
Beautiful! Just lovely!
I came with a full briefcase to
make sure you show me a good time!
- Beautiful! Beautiful!
- You'll see just how nice we can be.
Good... I'm looking forward to it.
I'm in top form today, girls!
How much will you give us today?
Today I feel more generous than ever!
Mr. Santarelli!
Get up. Get up!
Mr. Santarelli, I've asked my colleague
for his opinion before running further tests.
Operate! Operate!
Operate!
So that miserable Cicchirini
ruined everything for me.
- And your game is over?
- Yes, my game is over.
Guys, shall we teach that
bastard Cicchirini a lesson?
- A double lesson.
- We'll show him!
Then get in, here we go.
Come on!
Let the punitive expedition begin.
What's that?
Help! Help!
Help me!
Stop that lunatic!
Don't touch him, he's infected.
It's not true. They're sadists.
Come here, you can't
escape from Dr. Cicchirini.
- Stop it!
- My God... they'll kill me!
You'll get the beating you deserve,
you wretched pig!
Get out of my way, you cuckold.
I'm Dr. Cicchirini!
No one calls me a cuckold!
Get out of here! Come along now!
Come with Dr. Cicchirini.
- Help! Help!
- Stop him... stop him!
Mercy! Have mercy, Dr. Cicchirini!
I've got you! Now Dr. Cicchirini
is going to teach you a lesson!
Don't hurt him!
Go away, you old whore.
Don't touch my balls!
Come back here. Take that!
We're going to put you in chains!
Go away, cuckold!
Cuckolds and old whores,
get out of here!
We must report him!
All the other patients...
Don't kill them all!
Get up! Get up!
You're still plenty healthy.
But we'll see about that tonight.
I can't take anymore!
I can't take anymore!
Dr. Cicchirini, he's dead!
Whatever... toss him inside
and take him to the morgue.
You killed him! Murderers!
We'll report you!
Tell them it was Dr. Cicchirini!
- Yes?
- Cicchirini?
- Dr. Cicchirini.
- Police.
- Police?
- We have a warrant.
A warrant? For whom?
Come along, walk, don't resist.
Come along, murderer! Vulture!
- But, I'm Dr. Cicchirini.
- We know. Now move it.
Mama! Let me go.
Mama! Don't touch me!
- Come on, walk. Don't try and resist.
- Get your hands off me. Mama!
Paulino?
I'm Dr. Cicchirini.
Let go of me!
Mama!
I'm innocent.
- Poor guy...
- This is a judicial mistake!
How can it be a judicial mistake?
Paulino! Paulino!
The meatballs are getting cold. My son!
Miss!
Miss!
How can you dare to show your face again?
Have you found another
disease with which to fool me?
No, no...
So don't bother me.
By the way, do you know anything
about an ambulance with a fleeing patient?
No...
Good, because my boyfriend spent three days
in jail before clearing up the misunderstanding.
If I find out who it was,
I'll break their neck!
You're here at last, Alvaro.
I spend my life waiting for you.
It took me half an hour to wrap this.
Go, go, get in.
- By the way, did you include a card?
- Yes... yes...
For women, these
romantic details are essential.
- Sure, it's her birthday.
- Are you sure we'll find her there?
Of course, I followed her without being noticed.
You know she gets excited when she sees me.
- Let's go, before it melts.
- She's in for a surprise!
Good afternoon, I hope I'm in the
right place. I'm looking for Lella.
Yes, she's here. Come in.
I understand she was training with you.
Yes, she's in training.
But to tell the truth, she's already quite good.
- She's a true professional.
- Where is she?
- She's with a client.
- Alone?
Yes, of course.
What's in the box?
Something that Lella really enjoys!
- Shall I give it to her?
- No, no, only Lella must see it.
Don't be embarrassed, ...
... everyone needs something
to stimulate their erotic fantasies.
- Why don't you call Lella?
- She'll be done in five minutes.
Five minutes? I hope it lasts that long.
Just hold on... stay focused.
That's not necessary, I already feel ...
... a little shiver up your spine?
No, a big shiver!
Besides, it's starting to melt.
- So, it's that urgent?
- I already told you that.
What if Lella is delayed?
It would be a disaster.
Then let me handle
this before it's too late.
Mother of God!
Actually...
I'm going to devour you!
- Just a moment... let me get undressed.
- Hold still...
How long have you gone without?
Since I was born!
Where should I start?
Say, Gloria...
- Alvaro!
- Lella!
So, this is your boyfriend?
You mind your own business!
And what are you doing here?
I brought you some ice
cream for your birthday.
Why are you dressed like that?
You look like a whore.
Alvaro, I...
What should I do with this?
I don't even like the stuff.
To hell with it...
Lella...
- By the way, how much do you charge?
- Fifty thousand.
So... fifty plus fifty makes a hundred...
Good... let's do a threesome!
Guys! You look like the "Night of
the Living Dead". Come on, cheer up!
- Always with your jokes!
- Will you ever change?
Come on, Ciotti is starting his rounds.
We need to hurry!
- No, not here!
- Over there!
Guys, women being as they are,
we don't mean to cause problems, ...
... we're just having fun.
Excuse me, Professor,
have you seen Miss Italia?
- Why?
- Because I'm supposed to have an injection.
- You need to have an injection?
- Yes.
The gentleman needs to have an injection.
Ah, the gentleman
needs to have an injection?
The gentleman needs to have an injection.
If I understand correctly, the
gentleman needs to have an injection.
- Yes, that's right.
- Very good! Come with us, we'll take care of it.
Don't worry, you won't feel any pain.
Alright, come in.
- That's it, don't worry.
- Bend over.
Now stay right there... brace yourself.
A little to the side... that's it.
Get comfortable.
Uncover your rear.
- Your ass.
- Relax your muscles!
Relax, you'll receive
an unforgettable injection.
That's it, don't move... remain still...
Good, his test results,
they're not the best.
- Give me the X-ray.
- Right away, Professor.
No wonder...
It's quite clear.
Tomorrow we'll make a small intervention, ...
... which will definitely fix it.
Happy?
Cicchirini, take charge of the preparations.
Leave it to me, Professor.
- Oh, Professor!
- Will you let me by, Miss?
Water...
Good, we'll continue
with his regular injections.
Are you responsible for him,
Ms. Cappia... Cappam?
Cappi, Professor.
The needle...
May we give you a hand, Doctor?
Yes! Yes!
Come, come... this may hurt a bit!
Now everything's ready.
- All set.
- Just relax, relax...
He requires an emergency operation.
I can't tomorrow. I'm too tired.
Then there's the weekend.
I'll operate on Monday.
What is it?
Who died?
You!
- It must have been you!
- No. We didn't do it!
- It must have been you! I'll...
- One, two and three... in my office!
We always take her with us.
It's a bad habit.
Courage, Doctor. Courage...
It's always the three of them
who organize these pranks.
What are you doing in my
office with your butt in the air?
I was hoping for an injection.
Go to the waiting room.
This isn't an outpatient surgery!
They told me to wait here.
See? Another example.
This is an affront to Professor Ciotti, ...
... and shows lack of respect
for a person of his stature.
I'll report you to the Academic
Senate and have you expelled.
Cicchirini, calm down!
And you... get out of here. Out!
What about my injection?
You expect me to give you an injection?
Get out! Out!
Motherfuckers...
- Did you do it?
- Me? No. Was it you?
- No, no! Maybe it was him.
- I didn't do... it was him.
It wasn't me.
Who is it?
"Who is it?" That's for me to say!
Who is it?
Am I disturbing you?
No, no, my dear. Come in.
You're never disturbing. To the contrary.
Come... come...
But, Professor, we haven't finished.
Can't you see that I have things to do?
I have a lot to do.
Aren't you going to report them to the
Academic Senate? Won't you expell them?
- I'll think about it.
- How magnanimous.
I'll make you pay for this,
or my name isn't Cicchirini.
- We're innocent.
- You're a bunch of fools!
We're what?
Are you really going to report
them to the Academic Senate?
Of course not.
That was just a joke.
When I was young, I was worse
than them, my dear Ms. Cappia.
Cappi, Professor. I just wanted to
make sure that nothing would happen to me.
Nothing yet...
Professor! What are you doing?
You haven't heard of the prowess
of "Professor Saw-Saw"?
I couldn't breathe!
It makes me not want to have sex.
I need breath mints?
No, darling, but I'd be
more comfortable in your home.
It's warmer and more relaxing.
- But it's much more romantic here.
- Alright...
Don't make a sound.
Who's there?
Oh, yes... I am.
- Hey, douche bag, get out of there!
- What does this mean?
- Come on, fuckface!
- Alright, pig... get out here!
Come on!
- Come on, come on!
- Get out here.
Don't hurt me,
I'm just a poor college student!
Poor, poor? Then we'll find
someone who'll pay for you.
No, not my mother!
Please, not my mother.
- Guys, what should we do?
- Let's knock him off!
No, no. Please!
I'll give you everything I have!
- Like what?
- Everything, everything. Candies?
No, I don't like breath mints.
This linen handkerchief.
My mother gave it to me for my birthday.
- It's not worth anything.
- Come on. Come on!
I have 16.600 liras to last
me to the end of the month.
- I'll take that.
- What about me?
You get nothing!
Okay, guys, we'll let him go and take her.
Out!
I'm also poor.
That's not true. She owns a ten
story building, a farm and livestock.
That's enough!
- We'll take her.
- Yes...
And you, douche bag,
take off your pants.
Yes, yes.
I'll take them off right away...
- I can't.
- Why not?
I crapped myself.
Drop your pants. Now!
Faster!
Pig!
Wimp!
Put on the hood.
- No!
- Put on the hood, bitch.
- No!
- Dammit...
Let go of me!
Help her down.
We are gentlemen.
We won't do anything to a woman.
Come on, get out.
Count to one hundred and take off the hood.
Let's go!
Miss... Miss...
- Doctor!
- Mr. Santarelli...
- What happened?
- Something... something terrible!
Three men kidnapped me.
- Oh, God...
- Three men?
- Yes... No!
- What is it?
No, it's not possible.
It's impossible!
What?
The three men...
were you and your friends!
Me?
I can't forgive your prank this time!
It wasn't funny, you understand?
- I'll have you thrown in jail.
- It wasn't us!
Twenty years in prison!
People don't do this for a joke!
You're thugs!
Criminals!
No, you mustn't call.
What are you doing?
Of course I'm calling.
Okay, I confess,
I was with my friends.
Ah, he confesses at last.
Of course.
I can't bear to see you with Dr. Cicchirini...
Hey, leave Dr. Cicchirini out of this.
He's my boyfriend.
He's an asshole.
He may be an asshole, but he's my...
What are you making me say?
Okay, fine. Make the call,
but first you should know I did it for you.
Sandro!
You mean... the Addison's disease, ...
... the fake kidnapping...
you did that for me?
Yes!
Meaning, ...
... I'm so important to you that ...
... that you ...
Yes...
God, it's cold.
Stop!
Stop, please!
I'm Dr. Cicchirini,
can you give me a lift?
Hey, slow down.
What happened to you?
I've been robbed!
16,600 liras, my girlfriend...
- Give me a ride, I can't go any farther.
- Come on, get in.
My God, what a terrible experience.
Mother of God...
That's the truth!
- What is it?
- I'm not sure, but that's a serious stench!
- And it's getting worse!
- God, yes...
What a stench!
Don't you notice the smell?
I can't stand it.
What a terrible experience!
It smells like something died!
Haven't you noticed it, too?
Yes, but there are several
tanneries around here.
- Tanneries?
- Tanneries.
If they're tanning hides,
it's the skin from the ass.
- A tough one!
- Stop, I can't stand this stench.
Stop! I think it's coming
from that guy in the back!
- Are you going to leave me like this?
- Wimp!
Dear God, it's not fair.
A dog!
Quiet, I'm Dr. Cicchirini!
See that? I'm getting better.
You look like a fisherman at a taco stand.
- Now, watch this.
- Not bad for a beginner.
In the corner pocket.
It's up to you, Benito.
Come on, cheer up!
Come on, play.
- Let's see what he can do.
- Now you'll find out.
- What are you doing, Benito?
-What's wrong?
Guys... I just want to say ...
... that next week I turn 32.
And so... ?
I can't go on like this.
- I'll be graduating.
- It's about time.
Then I'll get a job.
Actually, I wanted to tell you, ...
... that next week ...
... I'm getting married.
What can I say?
Buy me a nice gift.
Benito's getting married? To whom?
I don't know.
Beloved, ...
... you come to the house of the Lord ...
... so that your love
can be sanctified by God, ...
... by the Minister of the
Church and the Community.
Christ blesses this love and commands
you to be faithful to each other, ...
... bearing together the
responsibilities of marriage, ...
... you are enriched with the Sacrament, ...
... having been consecrated through baptism.
I now ask your intentions before
the members of the Church.
Italia and Benito, ...
... have you come here to join
in marriage without coercion, ...
... but freely and conscously aware
of the step you are about to take?
Are you willing to love and honor your...
Why do I have to attend
this absurd ceremony?
Because he's your student, ...
- ... and she's the former nurse of your boss.
- He's a jerk and she's useless!
The last time I saw
Ciotti he suggested I take ...
... a trivial position with
the public health service.
If it is your solemn intention to
enter the sacred bond of marriage, ...
... join hands and express
such to God and the Church...
- Yes?
- You have some shitty friends.
They didn't want to be witnesses, and they
haven't even deigned to come to your wedding.
... to each other for
life in Sacred Marriage?
Ah... yes!
- Have you come here, or not?
- What?
To join in marriage without coercion, ...
... but freely and conscously aware
of the step you are about to take?
Are you willing to love and honor each other
for the rest of your lives in Holy Matrimony?
I beg your pardon?
Hear our prayers ...
- Where's the lunatic?
- There he is!
- Grab him!
- Seize that lunatic!
- We take care of this.
- Come with us, madman.
What are you doing?
Benito!
Motherfuckers!
What kind of a joke is this?
Get in!
Let's go, we saved him!
- Benito!
- Call me Ben!
I'll fail them! I'll fail them all.
They're expelled... all of them!