Under the Gaydar (2009) - full transcript

(upbeat house music)
(laughter)

- [Woman In White] You're really funny!

- [Woman In Red] Seriously!

- [Woman In White] Why is it
that all the really great guys

are always gay?

- I was just thinking the same thing.

It really pisses me off.

- You'll find a good guy, sweetie.

- See?

He is so cute.

I am never gonna find a
straight guy like you.



- Not a chance.

- Fuck!

- Calm down!

I know they're out there.

One time I was so in love.

I'm talking heart palpitations here?

Butterflies from my stomach
just from the thought of him?

And you know what?

- Wait, let me guess.

- Yes.

- Ugh, he turned out to be straight.

- How'd you know?

You are so smart!

- (laughs) Thanks!



- Well, why can't you give me his number?

- He changed his number.

Face it!

I'll never find love.

- [Darren] Guys, I really need your help.

- Uh, we were having a conversation here.

- Okay, well, my best friend and I,

we just had a falling out.

See, he loves me, but I like another guy.

- [Women] You're gay?

- Well, I don't look this
good because I'm straight.

- Oh, and you're right!

- Hey, we have a surprise for you.

- See this guy?

- [Darren] Uh-huh?

- He's really shy.

But he's gay and he likes you.

- Now you're embarrassing me.

Hi.

(meows softly)

- (chuckles) This figures.

We go out and Justin gets the guy.

- It really pisses me off.

There are no cute straight guys.

(Justin sighs)

- [Man] Hey, sexy
llamas, what's happening?

- Go away!

- [Man] Yeah, that's right,
I called you a llama.

- Don't you just hate it when
fucking creepy guys come up

for no reason?

- Well, at least they're having fun.

(upbeat house music)

(upbeat Latin music)

(hums softly)

(loud knocking)

- Who's there? (shouts)

(loud knocking)

- Oh, were you gonna get that?

Ooh, looks good!

- [Dad] Make a nice tea, huh?

(loud knocking)

- You gonna get that?

- You smell good.

Jasmine.

Smells like you!

- Aww!

Don't stop on my account.
(loud knocking)

I'll get that.

- Oh, boy.

- What's up?
- Darren, finally!

I'm gonna pee real quick.

- Hurry up.

- I'll go as fast as I can.

(laughs and swears softly)

Time to be gay!

Ready for an unforgettable experience?

- You know I never forget
any of our nights together.

- I know.

Bye-bye, you lovebirds!

- You're in place?

And you're wearing what
I told you to wear?

And you dyed your hair like I told you to?

Good!

- Hi.
- Hi!

- How are you?

- Good, how are you?

- Excellent, now that
you're here, of course.

- Thanks for letting me borrow this.

- [Ryan] No problem.

♫ I'm not here to waste your time

West Hollywood!
- West Hollywood!

- Skittles!
- Hi!

- [Ryan] Hey, boys!

Oh, look at the boys, look at the boys.

(Darren mumbles a comment)

I know.

You can be my gimp.

- In a bow.
- Bring out the gimp.

- Pink bow.

- Do you really think
we should be doing this?

He must have something.

- You really think he's gay?

- Beats me, but...

- What?

- There's only one way to find out.

- Wait.

- Bret, you know this isn't you.

- I have changed.

- I meant lashing out and grabbing my arm.

- I can't just let you go.

I love you!

- I know.

But you can't change.

- People change all the time.
- You can't change that.

- [Bret] I can.

I'd do anything to be with you.

- You'll find someone.

Sooner than you think.

(melancholy music)

Ms. Bronson.

It's Ashley.

It's done!

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Everybody, do somebody

- So, I was like, "Look, bitch,"

- Yeah.
- Don't even go there with me.

I mean, come on!
- Hey, ladies!

- We're having a
conversation, do you mind?

- Ooh, I love gossip.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Girl talk?

- Well, put a hat on me and call me Suzy.

- Wait, you're not hitting on us?

- You caught me!

- Wait!

Are you gay?

- Skittles!

(girls laugh loudly)

- Are you hitting on my man?

- We're just having some girl talk.

- Dirty, dirty skanks!

- You guys are hilarious!

- Isn't he cute?

- Cynthia, how you doin' tonight?

- Oh, wow, it's been a while!

- I know.

- [Cynthia] Hey!

- Do you uhm--

- Hi, how are you?

- Uhm, I was actually--

- I love your hair.

- Uhm, I think West Hollywood's
a few blocks that way.

- Oh my god, look at those muscles, Jesus!

- I don't even wanna--

Cynthia, have a good night, I just...

- Later!

- Chill!
- Ta-ta!

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Everybody, do somebody

♫ Ecstacy's all do my body

♫ You do me, then I'll do you

(playful music)

(upbeat R&B music)

- I bet you practice that
in the mirror every morning,

flicking your hair like that.

- You see this purse?

It's worth $300.

And your ass, is worth nothing.

- Yeah, but still an ass you'd want.

- (laughs) No, it's not.

- Whatever.

- No, it's not, because...

because you're gay! (laughs loudly)

- Yeah.

Well, you still want it.

- Oh, no I don't!

You are not gay!

- You're gonna make my boyfriend jealous!

- You are not gay.

- Hey.

Are you trying to steal my boyfriend?

- Uh, no, no, we were just talking.

- Sure.

- No, seriously, seriously.

- All right, Darren.

I'm gonna give you a call later.

I have to meet with my boss.

Big project.

Remember, I trust you and I love you.

Have fun tonight.

- No PDAs.

- (scoffs) Whatever.

You be careful with him, okay?

- So do you hate gay guys
or can we be friends,

'cause you are the most feisty
girl I've met all night.

You've made Ryan jealous.

- (chuckles) Thanks.

Yeah, we can be friends.

- Good.

- I'm sorry for being such a bitch.

I really didn't know.

- That's okay, girlfriend.

I get hit on all night, too.

I know how it is.

- You're funny.

- I know.

By the way, I love your top.

Promise me something.

- What?
- You'll let me try it on?

- Like it'll fit.

Don't turn a man anorexic.

(laughs)

- What are you doing with my friend?

- He's my new friend.

- Yeah, I'm her new friend.

- What's your name?

- Darren.

Well, come on, hurry up.

We're hitting the dance floor.

- Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

He's fabulous.

- Oh.

Fabulous.
- Fabulous.

- [Dad] We have to do something, we will.

- What, any suggestions?

- [Dad] Yeah.

I have a few.

(upbeat R&B music)

- Don't even think about
it, sweetie, he's all mine.

(laughs)

Hey.

Such a jerk!

- I see that now.

- Let's find him a hooker.

- [Mom] Larry.

- Think about it.

Sex with a beautiful woman?

It's bound to change his mind.

- Why don't we get him
one of those guys there?

- I'm thinking hooker.

- Okay.

You know a hooker isn't
gonna change anything?

They say it's genetic.

- That's not what it actually says.

- [Mom] Who?

- [Dad] Here, read it.

- Ashley Banks, gay no more.

Ashley Banks can turn anyone straight,

just call 555-STRRRR8,
money-back guarantee.

- Well, don't just sit there, woman.

Give me the phone!

(playful music)

(loud chattering)

- Ooh, pork balls.

I love beef.

Especially when it's pounded.

(laughs)

- Welcome to Saigon Express.

Can I take your order?

- Oh honey, you can take
whatever you'd like from me.

- What kind of soup do you have?

- We have sweet and sour.

- [Darren] I bet you're sweet and sour.

I'd like to taste your soup.

- Maybe I should get another waiter.

- I don't want another waiter, I want you.

- Never mind him.

We'll have two orders
of beef and broccoli.

- [Darren] May I try your dumplings?

- You stay away from my dumpling!

- Are you trying to ruin my night?

He was cute!

- I'm sorry.

- And beef and broccoli
is so Panda Express.

- [Ashley] My methods are simple.

- Explain.

- I change my appearance to model myself

after another real-life girl.

I'm very good at psychologically
manipulating men.

I'll make your son fall in love with me,

I'll make him chase me,

and when he can't have me,

he'll want someone who looks like me.

Anyone who resembles me.

And I'll bring this other
girl into the picture.

- And,

how do you convince her to play along?

- Girls are always complaining
that the best guys turn gay.

They want that kind of
sensitivity and openness.

- And what happens when he gets over you?

- Oh, he'll never get over me.

But he'll have his new girl

and he'll realize just how open
he is to falling for women.

I'm just a gateway for
him to express his desires

for all other women.

- How much are we talkin' about here?

- It depends on how gay your son is.

- What if he's really gay?

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Wendy] I told you it
wouldn't fit. (laughs)

- (scoffs) I'm offended.

You don't think so?

- Mm-Mm.

- I bet I fit into your bra.

- [Wendy] I bet you don't!

- I bet I do!

- Oh, no. (laughs)

Let me see.

- [Darren] Huh?

- You look so cute in that.

- What?

- What?

- Stop it.

- Stop what.

- Looking at me like that.

- [Wendy] Like what?

- Like that.

Like I'm a piece of meat.

- I wasn't.

- That's how my boyfriend
Ryan looks at me.

- Sorry.

- You're still doing it.

You're looking at me with those
big beautiful eyes of yours.

- Well,

I can't help it.

- I don't like to feel like that.

- Like what?

- Like all,

tingly and nervous and close.

At least not with a girl.

- It doesn't...

- No.

- Well,

prove it.

- Uh-uh, no.

- Look.

- [Darren] No.

- Look at me.

Look.

- You're gonna make me
fall for you. (whispers)

- Look.

- I can't help myself.

- You're gay, right?

- Yeah, I'm gay.

- So, we'll start tomorrow?

Bring him out to lunch here.

- We will.

Remember, we expect a
straight son out of this.

- Oh, he'll be straight as an arrow

when I'm finished with him.

He'll love sleeping with women.

- [Dad] I sure hope so.

- You're gay, right?
- Yeah!

Yeah, I'm gay, I'm gay.

- Oh, god I hope you're gay.

- I'm so gay.

- Really?
- Oh, yes, yes, I'm gay.

- Well, that went well. (chuckles)

- You know what, this might work.

- Yeah, the best part,

we get our money back if he
doesn't turn him straight

when she's done.

- Mm-hm.

Why is it that nothing ever turns out

the way you thought it would?

- (chuckles) Our son is gay.

- Mm-hm.

- Yeah, he's got some pussy!

- Hah, pussy!

- [Ryan] Ow!

- I love you, man.

- No, I love you.

- It's too fucking easy
pretending to be gay to get laid.

- You're just lucky you know me.

- Yeah, I'd get down on my knees right now

and kiss your feet.

- You really think we
need to go out this far?

- If we didn't, we definitely
developed a reputation.

- Ah, whatever, I just
don't think it's necessary.

You know, I never thanked you for that uh,

for that save last night.

- No problem.

- Your friend was so cute.

It's too bad that Ryan guy
came in and stole him from me.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- [Woman In White] Me, too.

- [Darren] Don't look at me like that.

- Like what?

- She's looking at me the
way my boyfriend does.

- Like this?

- Oh, not you, too.

- Went beside (mumbles) tonight.

- Yeah.

What a beautiful brunette.

- You ever feel wrong about it?

- What?

- Pretending to be gay just to get laid?

- No.

Why?

Do you?

- No.

No, I was just kiddin'.

- [Ryan] Better be.

(crickets chirping)
(car slows down)

- I never liked him.

- He's a bad influence.

- So how was your night, Darren?

- It's filled with
really exciting moments.

- [Mom] I'll bet.

- You used protection, right?

- What kind of a question is that?

- That's the kind of a
question a caring father asks.

- We're eating!

Oh my god.

And for your information,
no, I didn't use protection.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Can we change the subject, please?

- Yeah, we can change the subject.

What about that job
offer my friend gave you?

- Dad.

- Okay, Darren, you know
a job would be nice.

Do something productive with your life.

When I was your age, I had
to fight tooth and nail

just to get a retail job.

Hello?

Your father has got you this job offer.

You just seem so unappreciative.

- I need the boy's room.

- Boy's room?

- [Ryan] Darren, what's up?

- Hey, I'm about to run gay
game in front of my parents,

luckily they can't hear me.

- [Ryan] Are you sure that's a good idea?

- Dude, you should see this girl.

She's worth it.

- [Ryan] Hey, you don't
wanna get a reputation,

if you don't wanna be outed.

- I know.

All right, later.

- Why is he walking towards her?

I thought she's supposed to bump into him.

- I'm sure she's ready for
whatever he's going to do.

She's a pro.

- I hope so.

- She sure is. (whispers)

- Hello, lady.

That's such a fabulous pair of Chanels.

- Can I help you?

- Yes, you can tell me
where you got those from.

I'm dying to find a pair just like them.

- For your girlfriend?

- No, silly.

- Am I missing something?

- Okay, we totally hit
the wrong vibe here.

- And the right vibe would be?

- Honey, I'm gay.

- It got that.

- Are you always this mean to strangers?

- What are you doing
over here if you're gay?

- Look, uhm, I need you to pretend

to give me your phone number.

Okay, my parents are starting
to think that I'm gay,

and I'm just not ready to
deal with that right now.

- Well, you're gonna have to deal with it.

Clearly you're gay, I'm not helping.

- Why not?

- I was taught honesty is a virtue.

- Come on.

- Why?

- To be a good person?

To be able to look at
yourself in the mirror and,

you know, know that you
helped somebody out?

- What do I get out of it?

- What? (chuckles)

- I'm a selfish bitch.

What's in it for me?

- Dinner.

- (laughs softly) Are you asking me out?

- No!

No, no, I'm gay. (laughs)

- Just how gay are you?

- Well, honey, I knew
that those were Chanels.

- Okay.

I'll take the dinner.

- We're not doing
anything physical, though.

Okay, this is strictly business.

You're not my type.

- Don't worry, you're not my type either.

- Honey, I'm everyone's type.

- I'm sure.

- Come on, quickly.

- Do you have to hover over my shoulder?

- Do you always have to be such a bitch?

- Only to gay guys.

- You're just jealous that
you can't have me, aren't you?

- I know.

I don't like the fact that
you're looming over me

like a giant.

- You just called me fat?

How dare you.

- How do I know you'll pay up?

- Honey, I'm gonna be
there, dinner in hand.

- No, I'm picking you up.

What's your name?

- Darren.

- Ashley.

Give me your license.

- What? (chuckles)

- I need it for leverage.

- How do I know I'm gonna get this back?

- If you're buying me
dinner, you'll get it back.

Is this your address?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- It could've gone better.

Look at them.

- She's got him right where she wants him.

(cellphone rings)

Yes?

- Your son is very gay.

It's 20 grand.

- [Darren] She turns the light on,

she's like, "I caught you!" (laughs)

- I had a friend who's talking
shit about me or something.

Kinda ruined it, you know?

- It happens.

- Excuse me.

Do you guys think I should bleach my tips?

- Huh?

- You know?

- She knows what it is.

- We're having some girl
talk over here, so...

- Honey, so are we.

- He loves blondes.

So if I bleach my hair,
he's less likely to cheat.

- Are you guys gay?

- [Darren] Ooh, I love wearing these!

- Oh! (laughs softly)

- 20 grand?

(Mom sighs)

- Let's think of it as an investment.

You know, our grandchildren.

- I think I can invest in
something more practical.

- Can you even tell me why
I even put up with you?

- Just admit it.

You stay with me 'cause I have the money.

- Okay, look.

This is really, really important.

- Let's not be hasty.

Let's just make sure he's gay.

- Okay.

You know what?

I'm gonna call Barbara.

- Yeah.
- She has a daughter his age.

- You know, that's a good idea.

- Thank you ever so.

- Yeah.

Then we'll really find out if he's gay.

- [Mom] So how much onion
do you like, like a lot?

(girls giggle)

We're like onion king and queen here.

- [Jamie] Onion people.

- Ooh, hi!

Darren, there's somebody
we want you to meet!

(clears throat)

- Oh, really?

- Darren, this is Jamie.
- Barbara's daughter.

- Oh,

hey.

- Hi. (giggles)

- Uhm, why don't you two get acquainted?

- So, uhm, I heard you
like going out to clubs.

- Yeah, yeah, real blast.

- So, why don't I ever
see you out around here?

- We probably go to different clubs.

- Do you know what, why
don't you two go upstairs,

and talk, because I'm gonna
just finish dinner here

and you'll just be in the way.

- Okay, what's going on here?

- What do you mean?

- I didn't know you guys were
inviting over company for me.

You guys would never
try to do this before.

So, you know, I was just
wondering what was up.

- Nothing is up.

- Jamie just wanted to
meet some new people.

And we thought you two might hit it off.

- Well, uh, I'd love to stay
but I'm heading out tonight.

- I'd love to come.

- You wouldn't have a good time.

- Yes, she will.

(cellphone rings)

- I really have to take this.

I'll need some privacy.

- Well, what do you think?

- [Darren] Something is
very, very wrong here.

- [Ryan] What's that?

- My parents are trying to
hook me up with this girl.

I mean, she's all right, but--

- [Ryan] Your Stan hasn't gone up.

- She's plain.

- [Ryan] She's gross.

- Dude, I need a way out of this now.

- Say your headed out with me.

- I did.

Can you get over here
in like five minutes?

- [Ryan] Grab your gay gear!

- You're the best.

- So my mom wanted me to invite you guys

to her barbeque on Sunday.

- Yeah, we'd love to come.

- Fantastic.

- I love coleslaw.

- (laughs) Who doesn't
love coleslaw, right?

- I like it made with a little vinegar,

give it a little zest.
- I'm heading out

with Ryan soon, so we'll have
to pick this up another time.

- You have plans with Ryan?

- It's okay.

I should really be headed home anyway.

- [Dad] No, no, no.

Don't go.

- [Mom] No, no, please stay.

I'm making dinner, come on.

Go show Jamie your paintings!

- I would but I can't, I have plans.

- It's okay.

I get it.

(car horn beeps)

- That's me.

- He's cute.

But that boy is gay.

- I know.

I was hoping you could change that.

(sexy R&B music)

- Lingerie sale, Victoria's Secret.

We all need to go shopping.

- I love the bracelets.

- Hi, I just noticed you over there,

and you look like someone I
really want to get to know.

- What's your name?

- I know for a fact that this guy here,

has genital herpes.

- Ew, you have herpes?

Nasty, wrap your tool.

Hey, your friend left.

Yeah, turn around, you look now.

Go, walk, that way.

Tootles.

- [Girls] Ta-ta!

- Can I get a fat hooker?

- Uh, yeah, two as usual?

- No, just one.

- It happens.

- Who the fuck?

- You're certainly a nice guy.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah, 10 seconds.
- Okay. (laughs)

10 seconds, okay, look, look.

I think those guys are actually straight.

- What?

- Happens all the time.

- You're kidding me.

- No, listen, I had a friend, Lou, right?

Lou, remember, that his name?

He used to pull this scam all the time.

This guy was a loser.

Couldn't get laid in a brothel.

What he'd do is he pretended he was gay,

so girls want me to change him over.

Treat him real rough, you know?

And it was like a challenge to them.

"You're gay now, wait'll
I get a hold of you!"

And then actually have sex with them!

It worked!

- That works for you?

- It worked for him.

I never had to do that scam, did I?

We never did that.

I don't like that, I
had cross heterosexual

and we played hide the bacon,

and shoot the sherbet.

Look, you just saw him get
screwed over, didn't ya?

- No, I don't even wanna
listen to this anymore.

This was, hey, thanks for the laugh.

It cheered me up.

- I think it worked for
that NSync guy, didn't it?

(sexy R&B music)

- One for you.

Oh, baby, one for you.

- Eiffel Tower!
- Eiffel Tower!

- Come on.

Is this about not wanting to pay Ashley?

- [Mom] Okay this is about wanting

to get your grandchildren.

- Okay, okay.

I'll pay Ashley.

- [Mom] Really?

- Yeah.

Now what?

(laughter)

- [Mom] Okay, call her.

- Call her?

- [Mom] Yes.

- It's late.

- [Mom] Oh, really?

Ashley?

- Oh, yeah.

Ashley, yeah, Ashley's...

- [Mom] You remember the number?

- Yeah, 12 o'clock I
guess is not too late.

- [Mom] She's like just starting work.

- I know.

- [Mom] Okay, okay.

- She's never-ending.

So what should I tell her?

- [Mom] 20 grand.

- 20 grand?

- [Mom] Come on.

- Are you serious?

Are we really gonna do this?

- [Mom] Do you love me?

- Of course.

You love me?

- [Mom] 20 grand worth.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

- [Mom] Call her!

- You only married me for
my money, I know that.

- [Mom] Okay, get over yourself then.

But look what you got.

Trophy.

- What did I get, a gay son?

(upbeat R&B music)

- Will this work for you?

- Yes.

(cellphone rings)

- Mr. Barnabee.

I take it you're in.

- Good.

I'll be stopping by
tomorrow to pick up your son

and start my work on him.

- Sometimes you amaze me.

- Oh, yeah, I'm getting good, man.

Had a good teacher.

- Hey, you know.

I do my best.

(Darren sighs)

Oh, shit.

- What?

- You met a girl, huh?

- Yeah, we meet lots of 'em all the time.

- Yeah, but we don't sigh about 'em.

You know the three F's
to apply in gay game.

- Three F's?

- Find 'em, fuck 'em, and forget 'em.

(relaxing country music)

- It's the girl I ran gay game
on in front of my parents.

- Why her?

- Look, I know we hit on a
dozen hotties every night,

but there's somethin' more to her.

- Let me guess.

She had an attitude.

- A little bit.

- She had a big one.

You tend to like the instant
look of the bitchy girls.

- At some point, it's gotta
pay off to really like somebody

to want something a
little bit more, right?

- I don't usually tell people this.

You need to hear it.

I fell in love once.

- (laughs) You fell in love?

- I thought this girl was special.

Thought that she was different
from all the other ones.

- Is this goin' somewhere?

- It is.

I thought she was the one.

Dude, you should have seen her body.

Oh my god.

- Cut to the chase.

- It wasn't worth it.

I mean, a girl like that
can change you forever.

And it may not be for the better.

- I'm seeing her tomorrow.

- She still think you're gay?

- Yeah.

- If you like her that much.

- [Darren] I do.

- Forget it.

Always all Hollywood
bullshit about true love.

She knows that you're not gay,

she'll know she has you.

It's in your eyes.

- Telling me that...

- Move on.

- Hey, guys, what can I get ya?

- Oh.

You can get me anything you want,

but give me the special.

Isn't she cute?

This

is

Sparta! (shouts)

(hums softly)

- [Dad] Wow!

If I were only 30 years younger.

- I appreciate the sentiment.

Where's Darren?

- Let me talk to you for a minute, okay.

I gotta know somethin'.

How did you get him to meet you?

- Trade secret.

- I couldn't get him to meet

my wife's best friend's daughter Jamie.

I mean, he's gay!

- We're going out as
friends, Mr. Barnabee.

- Oh, that's it, huh?

- That's how you turn him straight?

- You just have to sit back and find out.

- Or,

my money back.

- Or your money back.

- [Mom] Darren, Ashley's here.

- I'm just finishing getting ready.

(slow piano music)

- [Mom] Oh, he's still finishing
getting dressed. (chuckles)

- Typical.

- So what is the plan for tonight?

- Real simple, build a
connection so he trusts me.

- [Mom] Okay.

You know what, I think that--

- [Ashley] I'm driving.

- Where to?

- [Ashley] Dinner and a club.

- Ooh, fabulous.

It's okay.

Ashley will take great care of me.

- It's getting worse.

He said fabulous.

- So we're going somewhere before dinner.

- Ooh, where?

- You'll see.

- I hate surprises, when do I get to eat?

- Get in the car.

(waves crashing loudly)
(seagulls cry)

- Why are we here?

- I figure what's the
harm in taking a gay guy

to watch the sunset.

- (chuckles) Question is,
what's in this for you?

I thought you said you were a
self-proclaimed selfish bitch?

- I could always use a gay best friend

to get me out of guy trouble.

- Didn't you also preach
that honesty is a virtue?

- It is.

What does that have to
do with me using you?

- Everything.

How you would use me at a club.

- How would I use you?

- Well, if I'm not mistaken,

you'd lie to some guy
who's hitting on you,

you tell him that I'm your
boyfriend just to get rid of him.

- No.

You'd be trying to come over and hug me,

and

he'll just assume it, then
he'll stop hitting on me.

- And how is that not lying?

- It's concealing the truth.

Kind of like you.

- Kinda like me?

- You can't confront your
parents about who you really are.

- They wouldn't understand.

- Have you tried?

Communication is key.

- There's no communicating
with my parents.

- You're lucky.

- What do you mean?

- Both my parents died
when I was really young.

- Sorry.

- Me, too.

- How'd it happen, if
you don't mind me asking?

- Well, I was about six years old,

and we were on a family
vacation in Hawaii.

- [Ashley Voiceover]
Another person only opens up

as much as you do, so I
have pre-rehearsed stories

that create a strong,
emotional connection.

- [Mom] Isn't that a bit manipulative?

- It's psychology.

It's how we work as people.

I'm only telling you all
of this so you can decide

if I'm the right person for you.

- You seem a bit cold about it.

- I never let myself get close
to the people I work with.

And that very distance is
in itself another space

for them to chase after me emotionally.

- You know what?

I like this girl!

- I always come here when
I have a lot on my mind.

It's really relaxing, you know?

- [Darren] I can see that.

- So when did you first know?

- (chuckles) Oh no, sweetie, no, no, no.

Not that conversation.

Come on, let's go grab some dinner.

- Where are your manners?

- Please.

- And then after the connection's there,

it's time to highten the romance and--

- [Dad] And then it works?

(relaxing jazz music)

- Please tell me you're
decisive, I am starving.

- How do you keep that
feminine figure again?

- [Darren] A very strict diet.

- I see.

- Cardio six times a
week, six meals a day,

I'm taking a spinning
class, yoga and pilates.

- I liked you more on the beach.

- What do you mean?

- In public, you're such an act.

- [Darren] Duh.

- I'm not talking about
lying to your parents.

- Oh, honey, when did
you study psychology?

- You wanna crack jokes
or do you wanna get one?

- Multiple choice was never my forte.

Fine.

Indulge me.

- You're the type of guy that wants

to jump but doesn't do it.

- What do you mean?

- You put on an act because
you're afraid to be you.

- You saying I'm acting?

- If that's what you wanna call it.

- Good.

Shakespeare said we're all actors.

- I believe the word he used was players.

- Same thing.
- Is it?

- [Darren] Yeah.

So what's your game?

- Subtexts.

(loud farting noise)

(cellphone rings)

- Hold on.

Uh, yeah?

- Meet me in the bathroom.

- Uhm, a little busy here?

- You heard me, meet
me in the bathroom now!

- I gotta go to the bathroom.

- (growls loudly) The
fuck is wrong with you?

- What?

- That's the girl.

The girl I was in love with.

- Dude, I didn't know!

- Well, now that you know,
why don't you ditch her,

and we'll roll out and get some hotties.

- I can't.

I'm sorry, okay?

She means too much to me.

- She's just like every other girl.

She'll hurt you if she gets a chance.

I'm asking you as your best friend.

Let this one go.

- No.

Sorry.

She means too much to me.

(loud slap)

The hell is wrong with you?

(loud slap)

- Oh.

You hit like a girl!

- Fuckin--

Stop slapping me!

- Ashley?

It's me, Tony.

- Oh.

Tony.

How have you been?

- Been doing great.

Maria's pregnant again,

Ash is gonna have a younger brother.

- Excuse me?

- My daughter.

I named my daughter Ashley.

- Oh, Tony, I don't

think you should have done that.

- You know I still think about you a lot.

- I know.

- Ashley.

- You should go.

- What, is that how it's gonna be?

- Tony, go back to your wife.

- Look, I don't wanna be with my wife.

I wanna be with you.

- Please leave.

Now!

Go!

- If that's what you want.

- I made you!

Without me, you'd never get laid!

- I don't wanna get laid!

Had enough!

- Didn't I teach anything?

(Darren shouts in pain)

- Get off of me!

I want more than just sex!

See that leap forward.

What the hell's wrong with you!

- I still love her! (shouts)

- Look, what do you want from me?

I like her too much, okay?

I can't just walk away from her.

- All the more reason.

- I'm going back to Ashley, man.

- Hey, do what you gotta do.

I'll do what I have to do.

- Well, what is that
supposed to mean? (shouts)

- You'll see, motherfucker.

- Whatever.

- Well, fuck you.

- What kept you?

- What do you think?

- [Ashley] A man?

- Actually this time you'd be right.

- I'm always right.

- You're always conceited.

- There is a fine line
between there and confidence.

- And you crossed it with flying colors.

- That's your fly.

- Ooh.

Win-zero, you lead.

- A man who admits loss.

Even rare for a gay guy.

- This is getting way too flirtatious.

- Scared?

- Frightened.

- You better be.

- You have no idea.

(crickets chirping)

(sweet romantic music)

- What is that look?

- Nothing.

- You falling for me?

- That's impossible.

- Nothing's impossible.

- Repeat phase three.

- Oh come on, can we
just go out and do this?

I don't need to learn all this stuff.

- No, this is the most important
thing I'll ever teach you.

Ruin this and (makes shooting noise).

So,

repeat it.

- Okay, uhm,

make her make the first
move when you run gay game,

otherwise you ruin it.

- Good.

Don't ever let her trick you
into making the first move.

- That's impossible.

- It's very possible.

- You really go for what you want, do you?

- I'm a girl.

We don't make the moves, it's your job.

And our power.

- Who said I wanted anything?

- You did.

- How?

(sweet romantic music)

- You!

- You're cute when you're angry.

- What will you do, come
to infect me, too now?

- What?
- With your gayness?

- Mr. Barnabee, I'm not gay.

- Not gay, you're a flaming homo!

- Me, no.

I'm worried Darren's
heading there, though.

- Yeah, thanks to you!

- [Ashley] What?

- I kissed you.

- Yeah, you did.

- I made the first move.

- Yeah,

on a girl.

But you're not running away.

- No.

- So, let me get this straight.

You pretended to be gay every night

to sleep with pretty girls.

- Yeah.

- Wow.

You're my new hero.

- Larry.

- What?

- [Mom] What they are doing
is completely immoral.

- Not any worse than you holding out on me

unless I called Ashley.

- Wait, what?

- [Mom] We hired some girl to
try to turn Darren straight.

- You hired a girl name Ashley?

- Yeah, she's a real pro.

We got everything under control now.

- A real pro?

- Wow.

To think I thought you were a fag.

Well, you're my hero.

- I won't know what to do if you leave.

- This should have never have happened.

- But it did.

- I'm sorry.

- I've never felt this way before.

- It's a mistake.

- I've never felt this for a guy.

- I can't.

- Sorry. (laughs)

You okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Sure?
- Yeah, okay.

- Ms. Ward, it's done.

- [Ryan Voiceover] Hey, that
girl didn't look anything

like Ashley.

Her hair was all blonde and frizzy.

- Are you okay?

- [Ryan] I was until
you ruined my flashback.

Yeah, okay, you know, your son's gay.

He likes boys, all right?

Loves the penis.

(car engine starts)

- [Darren] Hi!

You're calling the phone
of Darren Barnabee!

That's me!
- Fuck!

- You can't accept the
first move they make.

It's the first realization of
them finding their male side.

You have to make them chase
you some more before it's time.

- And how long is he gonna be chasing you?

- Until he's ready.

- [Darren] Please pick one

and leave the appropriate message.

- Dude, I know you're
pissed off at me right now

but there's something
I really gotta tell you

so call me back like now.

(whistles cheerfully)

(cellphone rings)

- Yeah?

- [Ashley] I'm ready to pass him on.

- (sighs) Already?

- [Ashley] You hired a pro.

- What should we do now?

- [Ashley] Are you excited?

I never had a client turn this quickly.

- Hmm.

Well,

I don't know.

I thought he was very gay.

- [Ashley] Not anymore.

We caught it just in time.

- So that's it, we're good to go?

- [Ashley] Yeah, I just have
to pass him on to another girl.

That way he doesn't
think that this is just

a one time experimental stage.

- Sounds good.

Hey, wake up.

Wake up.

- Honey.

What time is it?

Do you know what time it is,
what's going on with you?

- It's time to celebrate.

You're about to get your grandkids.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

- Are you kidding me?

Oh.

I am actually starting to like you again.

- Really?

- Good job, honey.

Wow.
- Come on.

- Honey, please, please, please.

- What's the matter,
don't you like me anymore?

Am I too old for you?

- Are you, what--
- Are you tired of me?

- Are you kidding me?
- Or what?

Huh?
- You're kidding me, right?

- No.

- Is that was this whole
thing's been about?

- I'm not kidding you.

- Wait a second, this is--

I'm getting it here.

Okay.

You're like Larry, the Duke
University lacrosse team.

We've got a child who's like gay,

but he's not gay,

that we spend, then he's very gay,

then we spend like 25 thousand dollars,

and he's like, I'm having grandchil--

I'm like a little fried.

I'm a little overwhelmed.

Okay?

Just breathe with me.
- Okay.

Okay.

- I love you but--
- I love you,

I love you!
- I know, I love you too.

I love you so much.

Just let me (sighs).

Get me in the mood, but,

just, could I just,

I mean, this is a big day tomorrow.

Just come here, come here,
come here, come here.

Just come here.

Just, let's cuddle.

There you go.

You're just the handsomest guy

in the whole wide world.

Oh my god.

You're the most attractive, handsome guy,

I've ever, ever, ever, ever met.

(suspenseful action music)

- Good morning, sunshine.

- I do not wanna talk to you!

- Two years of gay game
and you don't wanna talk?

- I'm fu--

I'm just, gay game!

Okay, enough!

I'm sick of this gay game shit!

Ashley, Ashley, I, I, I,

she's different, okay?

She's really different,
I really feel that.

And if you, if you have
a problem with that,

if we can't be friends,

fuck off.

- She's a real pro.

- What?

- Man (mumbles).

- What the fuck, dude?

- Turn to the classified ads.

- Oh, morning read, wow.

No, no thank you, no, I'm not
in the mood for this shit.

I'm not in the mood for this shit.

Just fucking get out of
my goddamn room, man.

What the fuck?

- You'll thank me.

- Thanks! (shouts)

- You know, after our
little squabble last night,

I learned some interesting facts.

- Anything that you have to say,

I'm not interested in, okay?

Get the fuck out of my room!

- Give it a chance,
you're a Curious George.

- I don't wanna hear
anything you have to say.

- Last night I talked to your 'rents.

- What are you doing
talking to my parents?

- I'll admit I was a little
angry and put our friendship

in the backseat.

- Ryan, what did you tell my parents?

- It's not what I told them,
it's what they told me.

- What do you mean?

- I knew you were curious.

- Get the fuck out!

Get out!

- They hired Ashley to make you straight.

- I'm not gay!

- They think you are!
- Bullshit!

- The ad's in the paper.

Same phone number, right?

- Why do my parents think I'm gay?

What'd you say?
- You dress gay,

you act gay.
- Thanks to you.

- Open the paper.

Open the paper!

- Classifieds?

- Yeah.

When they told me that,
I tried to call you.

But you didn't pick up so I drove off.

- Oh, shit.

- Yeah.

- Oh, fuck.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up.

- No, no, I gotta--

- Just hear me out for a minute.

- No.

- It's okay!

She played you.

It's all right.

- What the fuck!

What the fuck!

- Fuck!

- Darren, did you have a good day?

- Lay off, Dad! (shouts)

- Or have a good night, I hope.

- Hey, Darren!

Do not talk like that to your father!

- Darren, I'm sorry.

- What the hell was that? (shouts)

- I don't know!

Something came over me!

- Yeah, it's called
playing gay game too long!

- Look, I'm sorry!

- I'm sorry!

- It's cool.

- I'm sorry you're my friend.

(sexy R&B music)

- [Ashley] Wear that dress
we've picked out tonight.

- [Woman] What else am I supposed to do?

- Try not to talk too much.

- Why?

- He might lose the
illusion of you being me.

- Gotcha.

- It just, he became
interested so quickly.

I just hope the connection
is strong enough

to carry you through.

- Connection?

- Rapport.

- You guys didn't have any of that?

- We do, it just happened too quickly.

- Oh.

- It usually takes time
but we really connected.

- And how do you know when
he's ready to pass on?

- When I'm not in front of him,

he looks at other girls.

- And that means?

- That he's not gay anymore.

- So what's the problem?

- We want him to stay with you.

We do.

We want him to stay with you.

And I'm not sure he's
mostly invested enough yet.

But I'll get that out of him.

I just like feel it's already there.

When he's with me, he looks
at me like I'm the only girl

in the world.

Not like the other kinds I've had.

They've always had this
washed out look on their face,

like they've been hypnotized.

- Sounds like you like him.

- We're passing him on to you tomorrow.

You'll be happy, he's a great guy.

(melancholy music)

♫ Waking up in the morning

♫ Stepping out of bed

♫ All the wishful dreaming

♫ Has fallen out of my head
- [Ryan] She played you.

♫ Work all day till sunset

♫ Make my dinner when I get home

♫ Life slips by softly

- Have you seen Darren?

- No.

I'm getting worried, Larry.

- It's okay.

It'll be okay.

- You really think he's okay?
- Yeah.

- You don't think we need
think we need to call the cops?

- No, we don't need to call them.

Look, I promised you grandchildren.

He's carrying the seeds.

I never go back in my promise.

- Stop it. (laughs)
- So he has to be okay.

- It's not funny.

- Yeah, you're right.

- I'm really getting worried.

- It's okay, don't worry about it.

- No, don't stop on my account.

- Darren?

- Where have you been all day?

You worried your mother sick.

- I needed to just catch some air.

- You could have at least called.

- I've been dealing with a lot.

- [Mom] Is something wrong?

- Yeah.

- What is it, honey?

- This is really hard
for me to tell you guys.

Mom,

Dad,

I'm gay.

Not surprised?

- It's pretty obvious.

Just look at you.

Well, lately I've been questioning it.

- [Mom] Really?

- Yeah.

There's this girl.

She's amazing.

Yeah, but uhm, I think
tonight I'm gonna tell her

that I can't change.

- [Parents] What?

- I just, I don't think I can.

Change.

But I'm gonna go get ready.

I got a date with her.

- [Mom] Darren--

Pick up the phone and
call Ashley right now.

I knew it was too early to celebrate.

- Our son is still gay.

- Just pick up the phone and call her.

- Okay.

- [Ryan] Can we talk?

- Not now.

I gotta go see Ashley.

How about later?

(melancholy music)

- This is an amazing view.

I've never been up here before.

- Yeah, I used to come up here

for a hike with my friend
everyday, but uh...

- What?

- Kinda fighting with him right now.

- Why?

- 'Cause I like a girl.

- Oh.

- You know, when I was a kid,

my dad and I used to walk up here as well.

I used to just tell him my problems.

- That's cute.

- Yeah, he was just so easy to talk to.

- And you just found it easier
to talk to guys after that?

- No.

No, it's got nothing to do with it.

It was just a memory.

Why are you always trying to analyze me

instead of just letting it go?

You should really try it sometime.

- You're kidding me, right?

- You're gonna try it right now.

Find your inner child.

Tag, you're it.

- I am not chasing you.

- Well then, you're gonna stay it forever.

- Huh!

(Darren laughs)

- You know, you can't beat me.

- Tag, no tagbacks.

- Oh!

It's gonna be like that, is that so?

- Yeah, it is.

- Okay.

Okay, you win.

- I always do.

- You know how you said you
liked me more on the beach?

I like you right now,

when you let your guard down.

- Who said I let it down?

- I do.

- We're gonna be late for dinner.

- Who cares?

- You want me to raise my
hand like a kid in school?

- God, no, no!

What if you didn't bring deodorant?

- Smell it!

- Okay, okay, let's go.

- Told you I always win.

- You know, you never told
me what you did for a living.

- Getting a bit nosy there?

- I'm curious, apparently.

- I'm a life coach.

- One of those fake professions.

- No.

I help people find the right path in life.

- Oh.

And you have all the answers.

- This isn't a multiple choice test.

- No, this is life.

- Exactly.

- Then why do I get the feeling
that you haven't been honest

with me about anything?

- I don't know.

- Doesn't matter, though.

Just as long as what we feel is real.

Is it?

- Yes.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Well, are they?

(hand slams down table)
- Fuck!

- Well, what do you know?

My best friend

and the girl I fell in love with.

You both ruined my life! (shouts)

- Ryan, what the fuck!

I told you, I'll talk about this later!

- Yeah, we'll talk about
this right fucking now!

- Okay, we'll talk about this
right fucking now! (shouts)

- You're dating the girl

that ruined my life! (screams)

- Is this even about her?

- No, it's about me and you.

You're stepping up, while
I'm trying to protect you.

- Protect me?

From what?

- From what she's gonna do to you.

Let me introduce to you Alice.

- This is the replacement?

- Hey, you're not exactly
a looker yourself.

- Fuck you, bitch!

- You're gonna let him
talk to me like that?

- Fuck you.

- You knew?

- Yeah!
- And you're still here.

I was gonna tell you tonight.

- I know.

- I wasn't gonna go through with it.

- Shut the fuck up!

- Hey, fuck you!

- What?

- Don't talk to her like that!

Give her some fucking slack!

- She's gonna crush you!

- No, she wasn't!

- And you believe her.
- Yes, I believer her.

I don't think she's gonna do that.

Not after all the time
we fucking spent today.

- You don't believe me when
I tell you what she does.

But you believe her when she says

she's sound completely
different who she is!

- Oh, oh! (scoffs)

This is coming from some gay
guy pretending to be straight

pretending to be gay to
just get fucking laid?

- Man, you followed right behind me.

- What man wouldn't?

- An honest one?

- I'm honestly in love with Ashley.

- Well, I'm honestly--

- Honestly what? (shouts)

Huh?

There's nothing honest about you!

- I was honest as your friend.

- So, surprise.

I'm straight.

- [Woman On TV] Dr. Ibtus.

So afraid!

- [Man On TV] Don't be.

- [Darren] I really wanted to talk to you.

- About what.

- [Darren] About our friendship.

- What friendship?

- What we had for two years.

- Oh, you mean before Ashley?

- Yeah, before Ashley.

- So?

- Can we patch things up?

- (sighs) I don't know.

- Dated a girl I told you not to,

you chose her over me.

- I didn't choose her over you.

- Well, that's how it felt.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry doesn't cut it.

- What will?

- I don't know.

- Look, I was in love.

Okay?

And,

as a friend, maybe you
can understand that.

- Just a friend?

- Best friend.

- I'm not sure I want that
position after what you did.

- It's not like you were
completely innocent either.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You lied to me from the beginning.

- How did I lie?

- You never told me you were gay.

- How is that lying?

It's concealing the truth, it's not lying.

Do you know what that means?

- What's that?

- I still consider that lying.

- For your information, though,

what Ashley does to guys like you,

what she said about it.

She didn't call that lying either.

She used the same words.

Concealing the truth.

- I care.

- She really did program you, huh?

- Shut up.

- You gonna be okay with us being friends?

Or am I gonna have to nag you

like we're an old
married couple for weeks?

- We're a couple now?

You know I won't take that lightly.

- Are you gonna be okay
with us being friends?

You're not in love with
me or anything, are you?

- I like you.

- You like me, like me?

- Yeah.

But I love you.

So is there a chance?

- You can turn me gay as much as Ashley

can really turn you straight.

- You wanna watch
Brokeback Mountain with me?

- Now.

Now, you're pushing the
friendship boundaries.

- No, just not trying sarcasm.

- That's not bad.

- Not at all.

- So, you still wanna
go out clubbing with me?

Huh?

You can use gay game.

Might even let you touch my ass
or something here and there.

- Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- Exactly.

- Yeah, it's really important
they make the first move

or it's all over.

- This is so manipulative.

- And what you did to me and
all your other clients wasn't?

- Can you blame a girl for
trying to make a living?

- Yes, I think I can.

- He's right.

Girls belong in the kitchen.

- And you belong in my bed.

- Hey, parameters!

- So, when do I get to see
this gay game in action?

- So, you guys, I was thinking
we should have a botox party.

- Yeah!

- Are you serious?

I don't know.

- We totally should!

- If we all do this together,
it wouldn't be so scary.

- No, you know how I
feel about those needles.

- Oh, god, don't be such a baby.

- Hey, guys, my friend and I

just had the strangest argument.

- Uh, excuse you, we're talking here.

- Ooh, honey has attitude!

Anyways, as I was saying,
ghosts, fact or fiction?

- What?

- Okay, so check this out.

My friend has this room in his
house that he says is haunted

and spirits are trying
to communicate with him.

Anyways, when you go inside,

you get this really tingly vibe all over.

Ugh.

Anyways, uhm, there's no
physical proof of anything.

So, I was wondering, do you
guys think it's psychological,

or it's really a ghost?

- It's real.

- What?

- When I was a kid, there
was this weird green light,

and it used to shine
out of my empty closet.

- It was probably a light.

- There were no lights into my closet.

- Okay, whoa, whoa, time out.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start a fight.

Where'd you guys know each other from?

- We've been best friends forever.

- Oh, oh my god, oh my god!

Oh my god, I love your hat,
where'd you get that from?

I wanna try it on, do
they have it in my size?

- (laughs) Oh my god, are you gay?

- Duh!

- Wait, where are all
the cool, straight guys?

- Oh, honey, we are all the cool ones.

That is, we all turn gay.

- Hey what's your problem, bro?

- Ooh!

Big strong man, just like this.

(men shouting)

- Oh my god, you are so strong!

- Take a step back!

Get out of my face!

- [Ryan] You are so strong.

Wait, wow!

- I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

Leave me and my boys
alone, I'm done with you!

(men talking at the same time)

- Shh!

I'm so gay, I shit rainbows.

- Ew!

- What?

You don't shit that?

- Hey, hey.

Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Are you really gay?

- Duh?

- Now the real question
is, are you single?

Are you dating these lame ass girls?

- We are not lame!

- [Woman] Yeah, what's up with that?

- Sorry, girls, they're hot!

- [Woman] Yeah, we know!

They're our boyfriends!
- Yeah, they're mine.

- Dude, isn't it obvious
to you that we're not gay?

So can you please stop hitting on us?

- I can't help it!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where'd Blair go?

- I know I would absolutely

not let you get that close to me.

What if you tried to kiss me
and my boyfriend would flip?

- My boyfriend would, too.

- Well, then stop it.

- What?

- Stop looking at me
with those loving eyes.

- I'm not.

- Must be a subconscious thing.

- Hey, you're the one who led me in here.

- Well, I could use some new girlfriends,

and you seemed cool but...

You're just horny.

- Hey.

- You're silly.

- What's that supposed to mean?

(sexy R&B music)

- You are good.

- Honey, I'm the best.

And now that my parents think

that you converted me for real,

you should take all that money

and we should go on a
really relaxing cruise.

Just the two of us, this time.

- Or I could keep being a selfish bitch

and hog it all to myself.

- I don't think you're a selfish bitch.

I think you're the one who's
putting up a facade right now.

- Maybe.

- I know you're a good person at heart.

There is something that's
been bothering me, though.

- Whoever said I have a heart?

- I did.

- What's bothering you?

- You never told me how you got started

in this business in the first place.

- That's a long story,

that I'll tell you on
our cruise this summer.

- So you are spending all
my parents' money on me.

- Some of it.

- Save some for the wedding.

- Slow down, Darren.

- Okay, okay.

Putting on the brakes.

- I only think I love you now.

Marriage is a ways off.

- It's about three hours away.

That's how long it would
take me to drive us to Vegas.

- Vegas.

Darren, you know how hot I am.

Do you know how many
options I have everyday,

specially in Vegas?

- Two.

You can be with a really cool guy like me,

or some other loser.

- When you put it that way.

- Guys.

Hypes, or births?

Yoohoo!

Guys.

Hey, dolls.

Guys, I'm not gonna play third
wheel every time we go out.

- Okay, what's the plan?

- You two come with me to boys town,

and we play a straight game.

- I don't think that'll work.

- Does that mean Ashley's your girlfriend?

'Cause then I got a problem.

- It'll work.

People want what they can't have.

- It's good.

Things are back to normal.

- I can't believe our son

is staying with the
girl that converted him.

- We should start
charging her for his time.

- Yeah, good idea.

Just tell her he's very straight.

Dating him will be 20 grand.

- Oh god, somehow I just don't think

she's gonna go for that one.

- Me neither.

- You know what's comin' next right?

- No, what?

- We're gonna hire someone
to force them to get married.

Yeah, and then we're gonna
hire someone to force them

to have children.

- Are you crazy?

- Yes, 'cause you're makin'
me stretch and point,

and stretch.

- Are you ever gonna stop nagging?

- So I really am stuck as
the third wheel right here.

- What I did was a little wrong.

But, we might as well put it to good use.

- What's this?

- It's a whole list of gay
guys who are so confused

they think they're straight because of me.

- So all I have to do is just--

- Well, then show them
who they really are.

So who would have thought, huh?

- Yeah.

Me dating a client.

- (scoffs) Dating?

You love me, admit it.

- I don't use that word lightly.

- Me neither.
- Good.

- Good.

- Good.

♫ Now I'm crying

♫ Wish I was dying

♫ It was all with you

- Oh my god!

I just love those boots!

- Thanks!

- You think they have them in my size?

- No.

- Oh.

Too bad, my boyfriend,
he would love them on me.

- You're gay?

- I'm fabulous!

- Excuse me.

Don't you steal my man.

- You two are a couple?

- Please believe.

- I'm his sugar daddy.

- I wish I had a sugar daddy.

- I'll be your sugar daddy.

- Aww, Maurice, stay in character.

- [Dad] Hey, you gave them my name!

(laughter on the set)

- [Ryan] Tried to kiss me.

I liked it.

("Let's Get It Started")

- I need 1.21 gigawatts
for the flux capacitor!

Doc, doc!

You built a time machine

our of a DeLorean? (laughs)

Marty, Marty! (laughs)

No, we don't have any change, mister!

- Can I keep you?

Can I try your crushed peanuts?

(loud laughter on the set)

- [Waiter] Maybe I can
get you another waiter.

- I don't want another waiter, I want you.

I'm hungry, spank me. (laughs)

Thank you, can I drink your coconut juice?

What, are you trying to ruin,
what's wrong with-- (laughs)

Can I have you to go?

Can I taste your fish sticks?

I want you to find a fortune in my cookie.

- Did you get it?

- Oh my god.

I took a leak, I didn't flush the toilet.

I took it like that, the bowl, that,

and then like, I was like, "Oh my god!"

So then I had to stop peeing--

Do you wanna just try again?

I stopped, I just have
some like a few more.

- [Director] Yeah, let's do one more.

♫ Hey

♫ Let's get it started

♫ Hey

♫ Let's get it started

♫ Hey

♫ Let's get it started

("One Desire" by Claudia Kaleem)

♫ I gotta have you, baby

♫ Ooh ooh ooh

♫ I gotta have you, baby

♫ Ooh ooh ooh

♫ I see you and now my heart's on fire

♫ I want you

♫ You're my one desire

♫ Oh boy what can I do

♫ To get to you

♫ You see I checked all my senses

♫ This is what they told me to do

♫ Take him on a mission

♫ Lose it to love

♫ Keep it in your highlight

♫ And pray to the one above

♫ Then one day you'll see me

♫ And the love will be as one

♫ And I know, I know, I know

♫ Our love has just begun

♫ To have you, baby

♫ 'Cause you're my one desire

♫ I gotta have you, baby

♫ 'Cause you're my one desire

♫ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♫ I don't want no money
to give me no tools

♫ I don't want all the finer things

♫ 'Cause there's no finer than you, oh

♫ What I want is divine connection

♫ I'm talkin' 'bout souls