Under the Eiffel Tower (2018) - full transcript

Stuart is a having a mid-life crisis. Desperate for something more in life, he tags along on his best friend's family vacation to Paris - then proposes to his friend's 24-year-old daughter, Rosalind, while standing under the Eiffel Tower.

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What was it
that Thoreau said?

"Most men lead lives
of quiet desperation."

Something like that.
I don't know.

What I do know is bourbon.

More than anyone would ever
want to know about bourbon.

You're fired.

So when my boss shitcanned me
for my lack of passion,

it kind of hit me
where it counted.

Honestly, it was
a mercy-killing.

- I was sleepwalking
through the days.

You know,
when I first met you,

you didn't know sour mash
from the hole in you ass.

Without the job,
I really had nothing.

Well, at least I still had
some sample product.

So, I did a little sampling.

Actually, I sampled my ass off.

I sampled for days
and days and days.


Hey, buddy.
- Yeah.

Listen, I think you
should come with us
on our family trip.

Two weeks in France.
I have the whole thing
planned out.

What do you think?

I don't think so.

Come on, you know
how much rosalind adores you.

Plus, she wouldn't have to be
stuck alone with her parents.

Stuart, you need
to get out of the room.

Good friends, Paris.
What did I have to lose?

This is supposed to be
one of the best places
in town.

Why does everything taste
so much better in France?

Look, this is what
I think we should do.

I just figured we have
the cave painting thing
that starts at 10:00.

Let's meet no later
than 8:30 in the hotel,
so we have breakfast,

we have time to get there,
in the afternoon,
we have the...

Dad, let's just be here.
Let's just be here
and live in the present.

- Great?
- Yes. Yes.

That... that...

I'm just trying to get
a plan in place,
so we do exactly that.

- Just put that
goddamn thing away.
- Can I make a toast?

Oh, yeah.
- To rosalind and her phd.

- Mmm.
- And her brilliant thesis

on post-revolutionary
ideas of the self,

and the paintings of delacroix
and boulanger.

Wow. Stu is the only one
on the table who has read it.

- It was great. It was great.
- Thank you. Thank you.

I'm sure it was wonderful.
We're here to give Rosie
a very good time

because she's very timid.

And we want to give her
an adventure much like mine.

Because when I was here
25 years ago...

- Thirty years ago.
- Whatever, 25.

Let's just say
I had a lot of fun.

And don't ask me about it,
because I can't...

I can't tell you about it.

And frank, you really
can't ask me about it.

- Not gonna ask you.
- Okay.

Can we just run away together
and just leave them behind

and live a life of ease,
just the two of us?

For the first time
in a while,

I was drunk with hope.

Do you have a purse, monsieur?

Oh, it's my phone.

Empty your pockets.

- Ah.
- What?

Would you do me the honor
of being my wife?

What? Stuart.

What in the hell?

Just get up. No.

- We should have known.
- Rosalind, please.

I realized
this could be perfect.

I mean, maybe we're soulmates.

What? No! We are not soulmates.

You said we should
run away together.

- You said it.
- It's true. You did say that.

I didn't mean that, no.
I did not mean that literally.

I'm 26 years old.
You're what... you're 50?

Maybe. But I feel young.

Maybe we could just
run away together.

- What's going on here?
- He's trying to marry me.

Well, of course
he's trying to marry you,

because you're a gorgeous,
sweet, beautiful woman,

and you're a very pathetic,
unemployed, just sad,
sad person.

Jesus, Stuart,
we invited you here
to help you.

You fucked this up.
I... I feel like
I lost a friend. I...

There goes the plan.
Great. Thanks. Thanks, buddy.

You made it weird, Stuart.
Frank, I'm getting cigarettes.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

- No. One cigarette.
- I'm having the whole pack.

- One cigarette.
- No, I'm doing it.

So I guess
I came to Paris
to end up alone again.

I had no idea what to do.

But then you showed up
and offered to buy me a drink.

And now, I've dumped
my whole story on a stranger.

Cheer up, man.

People are constantly
fucking up. You're not new
in that regard.

I'm actually very impressed
with how badly I fucked up,
even for me.

Oh, there, there, pal.

I'll tell you what, my friend.
You're not going home today.

Finish that.

Anyway, what's
your fuckin' name?

Stuart mccreedy.

Stuart? Had you pegged
as a Bob or a Dave.

I had you for a Seamus.



All right, let's take
a look here.

Says you're booked
on the 5:45 to Bordeaux.

Ah, okay.
- Oh, Stuart.

You're in luck, mate.

Most beautiful women
in the world
live in Southern France.

Make you forget
all other ladies exist.



I don't think
I'll ever be ready.

Ready for what?

To be with a woman.



Trust me, mate, a few days
in the French countryside,

you'll be amazed
at how ready you are.

Just don't go
propose to anyone.

Don't worry, I won't.

C'est pas vrai!

Frederic! Je savais
que tu passerais.

Et moi donc. Mais quel bonheur.

Attends, je te sers
un petit verre.

- Attends.
- ça fait plaisir.

Qu'est-ce que
tu nous as préparé, encore?

Oh, juste un tout petit
verre de vin.

So what's
with the ankle boot?
How'd you injure yourself?

Well, I'm a footballer.

I was down here
on a trial.

If you can't tell
by the color of my beard,

I'm nearing the end
of my career.

And I rolled my fucking ankle.

Je repasse tout à I'heure?
ok, à tout à I'heure.

So now you gotta go back home,
tail between your legs?

I'm not going home.


Not yet.

My family business will be there
for me when I'm ready.

When I go back,
I'm taking over sales.

You're no salesman.

Perhaps, but she is.

I would dearly love
to sample her wares.

How's your French?

Ce n'est pas terrible.

Do you want some?

- Yeah.
- Oui.

Merci, mademoiselle.

Thought she'd never ask.

- Merci.
- Thank you.


So you speak english.

Not a single word.

I see you're reading Modigliani.

I love his elongation
of the feminine form.

Ooh! I see you're
an art connoisseur.

Ah, I dabble, you know...

- I read.
- So, are you a Parisian?


Are you from Paris?

Oh. Well, no, I'm not anymore,

but, um, I used to be, yes.

Well, this is exquisite.

Thank you.

Yeah, I don't think
I've had this one before.

Well, maybe they don't
serve it at your pub.

It is marvelous.

You know, you and I
actually are sort of
in the same business.

Are we?

Mmm-hmm. I'm in bourbon.

Oh. Well, no, no.

These are two
very different things.

How so?

Well, wine makes you feel
warm and sensual.

And whiskey dulls and agitates.

- That is very true.
- That is not...

- No. It's not correct.
- I know.

- It's not?
- No.

Well, wine is natural.
Whiskey's not.

Well, maybe it's that you've
never had a top-shelf bourbon.

Huh? And maybe you've
never had a top-shelf wine.

Have you ever had
an old fashioned?

A what?

Old fashioned.

Shite, here they are.
- Who?

Your American family.
Two idiots and their daughter.

Ah! Fuck!

I don't see her.

She just got on.

Okay, I should probably
go out there and find her,

- right?
- Aye.

I'll just... I'll poke around,
and if I see her,

I'll just let her know
I'm on the train

and then it will be cool.
I won't cause trouble.

Yeah. Be bold.

Who's the girl?

That's not important.

You two are a weird pair.


Well, I literally stumbled
over him at the airport.

Poor bastard had
his heart broken.

I'm just helping him forget.

Huh. Wait.

You're helping him
forget the girl he just
went out to find?

Well, much like myself,
he's a hopeless romantic.


Ugh! Gross.



I suppose the gentlemanly thing
to do would have been to go home

but the change fee
on my ticket was enormous

and the fare difference
also big...

Write the man a check,
would you, frank?

No... she doesn't
mean that literally.

I don't have the money.

Now, Stuart, perhaps you'd
be happier and more comfortable
on a different train,

maybe to a different station.

Maybe to a different time zone.
Maybe straight to hell.

I should let you know

that I have plans
to continue on this trip,

because we are
after all, in France,

the land that gave us piaf,
the guillotine, Andre the giant.

Besides, I have
nothing to go home to.

Whose fault is that?

I'm terribly sorry

to the sterns,
this entire family,

for screwing up so royally.

In fact,

I ask that you accept
this token of my apology.

The engagement ring
I purchased.

- What the hell
are you talking about?
- We should take a look at it

and just see what
he's talking about.

Don't take it, mom.

For curiosity's sake.

The stone is blue topaz,
13.4 carats, pretzel cut...

...i think.

No, tillie.

Will you take this ring?
It's yours, and you need
the money.

You take it, Stuart.
You get it out of here.

What the...
What are you doing?

He handed it to me.

- I'm not... I'm not...
- What's a pretzel cut?

Don't ask me.
- What is it?

I've never even heard of that.

Ugh, we were having
so much fun.

The entirety of the game
is explained in the name.

- Yeah. That's what I thought.
- That's the brilliance of it.

so it's easy to remember,

like, I'm playing football,
my foot is on the ball.

Wow, you're smart.

Well, look who's back.

Any luck?

I wish you hadn't told me
she was on this train.

What are you bitching about?

You know bloody well,
I never saw your girl
get on the train.

I've never seen her
before in my life.

Wait, you lied to him?

It's called a gentleman's fib.

So you and I could
get better acquainted.

The world will always
welcome lovers.

I agree.

Wait, you're leaving?

It's my stop.

Can I get your number?

Well, it's on the bottle
actually. Bye!



What the hell are you doing?

Getting off.
I need some air.

So you're both gonna
abandon a cripple?

All right.
So what's the plan now,
captain redbeard?

I don't know, okay?
I just don't want
to be on that train.

Well, congratulations.

We'll just take in
the beautiful shithole of...

- Velines.
- Can you read this?

- I don't speak French.
- Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!
What's her name? The lady.

- Shit, I forgot.
- Uh...

What's going on?
You following me?

Beautiful wine lady!

Do you know when
the next train to Bordeaux?

What am I,
a travel agent?
No, but...

I don't know, I think
it's the 6:30 or something.

- What?
- What?

6:30, but...
- 6:30?

It's past that.

Well, there's no more train
tonight. It's tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Ah.

6:30 in the morning.

- All right.
- What's going on?

- That means we've
got time for a drink.
- Oh.

Come on, give in.

I can see you want to take in
two hapless travelers.

Okay, you know what?
I don't want to have a drink,

but I'm starving.
So what about dinner?

- Oh...
- We accept your invitation.

- Let's go eat.
- Okay.

- Merci.
- We'll follow you.

Merci beaucoup.

We're going
up that hill?
Is there a taxi?

Yes, we are.

Can't you walk?

I'm not
used to walking, I'm American.

Aren't Americans
in shape though?

No, we're fat.

All right, this might be
a stupid question,

but is there
not a restaurant,
perhaps downhill?

- You're not gonna regret this.
- That is a stupid question.

This is a really,
really great place.

Just asking.

Are we there yet?

- Oh, Louise!
- ça va?

اa va bien et toi?

Tu fermes? On peut encore
manger quelque chose?

Tu sais très bien que
c'est toujours ouvert pour toi.

Oh, this is Max.

اa fait plaisir de te voir.
Bonsoir, messieurs.

Nice. So you got
a michelin one star.

I'm so glad monsieur approved.

Shall we do this?

Je t'en prie. Je vous en prie.

Thank you.


This isn't
too bad now, isn't it?

Oh, and by the way,
this meal is on us.

All right? Your money,
no good here.

Alors, qu'est-ce qui
te ferait plaisir, Louise?

Heu, je te fais confiance.

- Et le vin?
- pareil.

J'ai ma petite idée.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
We were just speaking French.



I'm starving.

I could eat a dog's arse
smothered in gravy
right about now.


Château beauregard, ça te va?

- I know this place.
- Good choice.

Fill her up.

One of the perks of the house.

Well, I say we propose a toast.

Yes, yes.

To our new savior.

Yes. Cheers.
- Cin cin.

Cheers. cin cin.

Mmm. That's good.

Not too bad, huh?


A delicate wine
and an enchanting beauty.


You know,
in my expert opinion,

I do believe I detect
a bit of grapes in this one.

In this, I taste
the tears of history.

Fifteen hundred years
of living and dying.

For yearning for love.

You know, when I was a kid,

I wrote poems
about flowers. So...

When I was a kid,
I actually used to write
poems for Christmas.

And I was giving them
as gifts.

- Aww.
- You know, actually, true story.

One Christmas, I got invited
to Sean Connery's castle.


I mean, he wasn't there.
But still, cracking party.

- Hmm.
- Good story.

Thank you.

You know, I don't know
about these tears

or love your tasting,
but this reminds me of

back home in the states,

people age whiskey
in wine barrels now

to combine European culture
and American culture.
It's quite brilliant.

He's obsessed with his bourbon.

Spirits are killing us.

Yeah. Tourists just wanna
get drunk really fast.

That's not true.
A lot of bourbon drinkers
sip it.

Not to get drunk.

To elevate the conversation.

Gets them talking
about getting drunk.

No. It's a classy drink.

This is not
blood sausage.
- It's got to be.

- Some kind of liver.
- This is duck duck goose...

"Some kind of liver"?

That's delicious.

See, the key to a good meal

is to eat
as many different kinds
of animals as you can.

Do you like lamb?
I don't really
like small animals.

You don't like
small animals?

No, I don't like to eat them.

Oh, you don't like to eat them.
You are an animal lover.

Yes, I am.

In America, everybody
opens your doors for you.

It's so...

It's so pretty,
it's almost a shame to...

To wonderful food
and wonderful people.

- Clink with me.
- For now.

So aren't you lucky
that we came with you, huh?

I mean,

where would you be
if we'd stayed on the train?

Well, in my bed.



Mmm. His name is Max.

- What?
- Max.


Pardon, my pal.
Here you go.

Voilà. thank you.

Thank you.
- Thank you.

Eh. My pleasure.

Mmm. I'm completely stuffed.


Oh. Well that's not
a very polite thing
to say in French.

Oh, uh... my stomach
is filled with happiness.


You think you'll be
needing an escort home?

Uh... no, I think
I'm fine. Thanks.

Are you sure?
I don't mind.

Yeah, I'm sure. 100% sure.

- She's fine. She's good.
- All right. All right.

I just want to say,
it's been a real pleasure
getting to know you.

And you wouldn't
happen to know

of a cheap hotel
or youth hostel around here?

Well, there is the petit pomerol

that is just, uh,

all the way up the street.

Good spa?

"Good spa"?

No, I don't think
they have a spa.

The fuck is this?

Per the instruction
of mastercard.

Oh! Salty fucking bastard.

Catch this, will you, mate?

What, you know
I'm good for it.

There you go.
Good man. Good man.

I'm sorry about that.
I'm embarrassed.

Oh, that's all right.
Don't worry.

My dad has
my account number a bit...

with my finances.

All right. Yeah.

Excuse me a moment.
A second.

Max. Max. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!


- Is there a problem, monsieur?
- No, no, no, no, no. Uh...

No problem. Uh...
I have the money.

I just need
a little time. Time.


Yes, um...

I have great credit.

I just recently have

maxed out my credit cards
purchasing an engagement ring

which I have yet to return.

Not a big deal.
So in the meantime,

maybe I can give you
a couple hundred
American dollars.

Hold that, and I'll
come back, and...

Do you have this ring?

- Do I have...
- The ring?

Where is this ring?

I do have the ring.

Hmm. You will
give me this ring,

and I will hold it
as collateral.

Because I don't know you,
and I don't trust you.

We're done.

It's all good.

So where did she say
this hotel was?

It doesn't matter.
We can't stay there.


I think I might have
drank a little too much.

Some mate
you turned out to be.

Oh, shit, we did.

I had to hock
my $7,000 engagement ring

for your big-shot dinner.

Worth every
fucking penny, mate.

That was the best meal
you or I have ever had.

What are you talking about?

You just puked it up.
It's all over the bricks.

Aye. Aye, aye, but...

It's not a total loss.

You give that back.

Uh... fuck you
and the sheep
you rode in on.

You watch it. I'm a fucking
professional athlete.

- Come and get it.
- You fucking jetty.

- Come and get it, boy.
- You get back here.

Come and get it.

Oh, what a fat lot of good
that's gonna do you

without this. Huh?

You are an amateur.

Watch and learn.

Wow, you still
have my number?

I thought I was that bitch
that ruined your life.

Okay. Whatever. Listen.

I want my job back,
and I have something
you may be interested in.


I might have a line
on a vineyard over here.

- You still there?
- I'm listening.

Okay. It's...

Chateau beauregard.

What kind of money
are we talking about?

I don't know,

but I just had dinner
with the owner tonight.

And I'm still feeling her out.

So what do you think?

I make this deal,
I get my job back?

- I heard that.
- Heard what?

You rolling your eyes.

So, are we interested?


Why don't you call me
when you've more fully
felt her out?

Okay. Deal.

In the meantime,
I might need some
walking around money.

- Maybe 7 or 8 grand to...

Still there?

You better
not finish that.

You are a lightweight.

No, you're the fucking

Good one. Good comeback.

You want some?
You gotta earn it.

Like, something sexual?

No. Not like sexual.

'Cause I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.

I need something to drink.

I don't know
about you but...

I feel refreshed.

So where are we going?

I don't fucking know.

We missed the 6:32
by 90 minutes, all right?

We overslept.


Don't you think we should know
where the hell we're headed?

Be my guest.

Well, I guess I have to.

Please, captain.

- I will.
- Yeah.

- This is how you do it.
This is how you take charge.
- You're so good.

Yeah. Take charge, Liam.

Find that cat
that shat in my mouth.

Hey. This might be our ticket.

Don't act like a degenerate.

Show level ten.

Put the boot up.
Get some sympathy.

Bonjour. uh...
We missed our tour.

We lost our bus.

Other bus, broken.

- We get to ride?
- Yes.

Ah! Perfect, perfect, thank you.

Oh. Chateau beauregard.

Damn, lord.
Your sense of humor
humbles me.

So, let's see
the new vat room

built in 2014,

where we have
a lot of steps of vinification.

It's very modern, you know.

- Wow!
- And very unusual.

- Oh, yes. This is pretty cool.
It's specially designed
for us.

Please, come in,
come in. Feel free.

- Come on, you gump.
- Gump?

Even with one leg, I'm still
faster than you, you bastard.

Make a circle,
everyone here.


- Bonjour.
- bonjour.

This is a good time.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Uh... welcome, everyone, um...

- My name is Louise, and...
- Hi, Louise.

My name is Louise, and I'm

one of the owners
of the chateau de beauregard.

Um, today, we're gonna start

by our 2016 vintage
chateau de beauregard.

I had some of this in the train.

As you can see,
and as Vincent told you,

the fermentation of the wine
happen in those concrete vats

- that you could see
all over the room.

- Yes, and...
- I thought all modern vineyards

were going to stainless steel.

Yes, uh, no,
actually, you know,

concrete is better to conserve
the temperature of the wine.

- It's way better than...
- What about oak or something?

No, oak... the...

And the bottles are made of?


The bottles. They're made of?


Um, may we taste?

- It's okay to try?
- Yeah, of course.

Please, everyone.
Let's all take a glass.

Please, hold it
by the stem. Okay?

Swirl it around gently.

This opens up the wine
and draws oxygen into it.

Now close your eyes,
take a moment
and inhale the bouquet.

Imagine the history of the land
that you stand upon now.

Millions and millions of years

- of sediment and gravel
deposited here...

...to feed
this unique root-stock.

Every glass of wine
is a courtship.

An encounter with mother earth.


Now, go ahead. Taste it.

Roll it on the palette.

Feel the wine
before you swallow.


This wine reminds me
of a cold winter night,

sitting by a fire,
reading balzac.

Ah, madame.

And what does
this wine say to you?

Something I can't say out loud.

Indeed. It is
a sensual beverage.

It warms the heart.

Bloody good stuff.

Bye now! Good people.

- Nice people.
- Good people.

All right, let's see
how this goes.

She's got to have room for us.

Look at this.
Are you fucking kidding me?

We're doing her a favor.


May I introduce you
to Liam and...

- Stuart.
- Stuart.

This is Gerard.
He's the one who created
this beautiful place.

Uh, I met them
yesterday in the train,

and Stuart helped me
a lot today at the wine tour.

You know, I can't stand
doing those anymore.


I didn't do that much.
I just love talking about wine.

Don't be so humble.

Not bad for an American,
which I can say

with all due respect
as an American myself.

Well, this here isn't bad
for an American.

This is the most modern,
impressive vineyard

- I've ever seen.
- Yes.

Oh, thank you.

My life's work.

Where you from in the states?

- Oh, louisville, Kentucky.
- Ah.

Nashville without the music.

Excuse me.

He's tired.

Please sit down.
Let's have a drink.

- Oh, merci.
- Another one.

I think we must have sold
40 cases to that guy.

I don't know what
a regular day's take is,

but I'd say that's
a pretty good afternoon.

I don't know much,
but I am good at selling.

You're so good at it.
I hate selling.

Feels like a punishment to me.

But you know,
since Gerard's illness,
it's all falling on me.

What can I do?

Well, the trick is
to get the customer
to pitch the product.

People are looking
for an excuse to buy.

You just have to
get them talking,

and they'll come up
with the right one
for themselves.

That's true, but I mean,
come on,

with a face like that,
how do you not sell 40 cases?

Of course, I meant, yeah.
Of course I meant that.

- Yeah.

What a day.
Well, excuse me,

but now I have to make
Gerard's dinner.

What's on the menu?

Oh, no.

I'm just gonna open
one or two cans of soup.

Come on. We can do
better than that.

We can?
What do you mean?

Like, you're suddenly
gonna tell me that you're
also an amazing cook?

Well, I'm pretty sure you got
everything here I need.

Give me a second.

- What?
- May I?

Oh, the fridge is on the right.

- Okay, got it.
- Can I help?

No, no, no.
You just be yourself.

All right?
That's all the help we need.

All right.

Serious. Serious.
And then playful.


Oh, do you know
where this wine is from?

I'm going to guess. Twice.
But I could be wrong.

Yeah. But where in France?

What time is that?

...crash glasses,

spilling a little bit
of their wine
into the other man's cup.

- So if you're gonna poison him,
well, then, you're fucked too.

- Where did you read this?
- It's nothing.

You just
invented this.
I'm a wealth of...



- Good for you, mate.
- Mmm-hmm.

Where did you find
these vegetables?

- In my fridge?
- In the refrigerator.
And on the counter.

- Well, thank you so much.
- Bon appetit.

Oh, wait, keep this for me.
I'm gonna take this to Gerard.

- He's gonna love it.

Where's your manners, jackass?

You're eating
like a hired hand.

All right, look.

You've got your
certain set of skills,

and I've got
my particular charms.

So you might be good
at talking about wine,

but I'm a virile footballer.
Huh? Like David Beckham.

Ah. So she's like posh spice?


In case you haven't noticed,
that is a sophisticated woman.


She's into my maturity
and knowledge.

"Maturity" being the keyword.


Mmm. Mmm!

You gotta try that.

Okay, I'm trying.

Mmm, it's so good.

Just simple.

Give me a little time,
I'll knock your socks off.

So this didn't turn out
too bad now, did it?


Super generous of her
to put us up like this.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm not sure, but...

I think I was detecting
quite a bit of heat

between she and I over dinner.

Yeah. Well, you know,

between that
sleazy restaurateur

and that old uncle
or whatever he is,

she might lonely enough
to give you a throw.


I was shit-talking,
exaggerating for a fact,
I don't believe any of that.

Bathroom's yours.

- Oh.
- Oh, uh, hi.

- S-sorry, I was... I was just...
- I was just...

Having a bit of a look about.

Good morning.

- Hi.
- Mmm.

Perhaps we could have
a sequel to last night.

Hey, you know,
yesterday was fine,
but that was it.

Well, we could have
a little more fun.

No, I don't think so. Sorry.

- Bonjour.
- bonjour.

Uh, breakfast is ready.

What's going on there?

French women.

That's good.

You're still here?

Uh, oui. Um...

I just want to say
I didn't want to insult you
last night, I didn't...

I didn't mean that.

And, I also
came to say, uh...

Dire au revoir est de mourir
une petite personne.

What are you trying to say?

To say goodbye
is like a small death.

Oh, right. Yeah.
No, so you...

You actually said something like
to say goodbye is like...

Mourning a midget.

I would never say that.
That's not what I meant.

- Okay.
- Um...

But, merci beaucoup.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.



I do get lonely sometimes.


I get lonely
pretty much anywhere.

Tomorrow is market day.


Why don't you come
shopping with me?

We're having a party for
Gerard's birthday on Thursday

and I could force your magic
in the kitchen again.

I would love to.

I'd be happy to cook anything.

I would love that.

- Great.
- Merci. Merci.

You're very talented.

- Really.
- Thank you.

All I can think is,

I see this landscape,
I'm like,

what is like to live
in this kind of beauty


sometimes, it's boring,

and sometimes it's not.

Well, my apartment back home
overlooks a kfc, so...


Just the sound of it
turns me on.

I don't think kfc
means the same thing over here.

- Well, I think it kind of does.
- Ailerons de poulet frits.

Uh, pardon?

Chicken fingers?

Yeah, that's kfc.

You're very passionate
about your chicken.

I actually used to paint
a little bit myself.


Show me.

I painted this place
so many times,

I've never seen it this way.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Is it... is it the sunset?
Or it's the... yeah.

Mmm-mmm. It's a comet.

- Huh?
- You know, comet?



that is gonna just, like,
fall one day,

or is it premonit...
A premonition, or...

It's a celestial event.
I think it lands
in the vineyard.

It doesn't harm the chateau.

It's pretty bold.

- Masculine?
- Yeah.

- I like yours too.
- Thank you.

It's very detailed.

I was thinking
of maybe like

adding your face
somewhere here.

- In the dirt?
- No.

I don't know
if that's a compliment.

Oh, my god.
Look at these mushrooms.

They're perfect.

Well, you know what,
mushrooms are dangerous.

I don't really
trust this woman.

She might wanna poison you.

Well, before she
assassinates us,

we're gonna get
all her mushrooms.

Trust me, I got your back.

Mmm, Stuart.

I could use a bit
of your enthusiasm.

It's the curse
of the salesman.
I don't know.

Well, talking about salesmen...

Oh, wait, I'm gonna
get some bread.

Don't you have a job?

Like, when is
the vacation ending?

Uh, I'm kind of
between positions right now.

You mean you're unemployed?

Je peux avoir une baguette,
s'il vous plaît?

Yeah, you can say that,
I guess.

But I'd like to think
I'm sort of just trying to

figure out what's next.

So what's next?

Uh, well...

- Bonjour.
- bonjour. Ca va?


- What? merci.

Look at that. Lucky apple.

What's next? I guess,

I'm really loving France,

so I might just
stick around here
for a while.

Hmm, so France
solves everything?

Well, if you want to,
you could stay
in the guest house,

you know, I could give you

friend and family rates.

I'll take that.

Has anyone ever told you
you smile a lot?

You're just as beautiful
when you don't smile.

Well, for some reason,
I don't feel the need

to smile so much around you.

Is it a good sign?

Yes. I'd say yes.

Oh, here's your meat.


- Okay, let's go for it.
- We're doing lamb.

Do we take a number?
Is it like a deli?

No, we don't take a number.

Bonjour. On voudrait du...

Ten lambs.

Ten lambs?

- What? No.
- Leg of lamb.

Il dit n'importe quoi. On
voudrait de I'épaule d'agneau.

Hook her up.
I'm with Louise. Hook us up.

I think I've
heard that song before.

It is one of
my favorite songs.

It is?

Go slow. You.

There's other people.



Merci. Merci beaucoup.

ہ la vie éternelle.

ہ la vie éternelle.

Oh, and a toast
to our beautiful hostess.

Well, thank you, um...

Actually, thank you so much,
Stuart, for this amazing dinner.

To Stuart.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

A chef is only as good
as his sous-chef.

And a meal

only as good as the company
you share it with.

To the birthday boy.

To the birthday boy.

Happy birthday.


Hmm, all right. Cake?

C'est pas aussi bon qu'au
restaurant mais ça passe.

What did he say?

He just said that
he wants to hire you
as a cook.

You're a good liar.

Would you like a strawberry?

- Yes.
- Yeah?

What are you thinking?

Who, me?

No, the other guy
holding my hand.


Just wondering.
I thought you and Liam were...

Oh, no. No.

- No?
- No.

It was just a careless moment.

Do you think there's
gonna be like a comet tonight?

Can you see one?

Oh, I just saw
a shooting star.

You did?

Hmm, it's just a spaceship.

Well, um,
maybe you should paint one

next time you do a painting,

but just next to a kfc.


Okay, okay. I will.

You know what, I always wanted
to have one of those, um...

Those things.

Like those long things
to look at the stars,
you know.

- What do you call it?
- Telescope.

- Telescope.
- Or elephant tusk.

Or elephant tusk. Telescope.

- Okay.
- You mean telescope.

Yeah. It's on my list of...

"To do" things that I will...
Will never do.


Well, I would love to know
the list of things that
maybe you have done.


Well, that sounds like
a scary question.

All right. Easy question.

Uh... how long
have you been here?
How did you get here?

- Uh...
- Two questions.

I'm from Paris, and I...

I wanted to be an artist.

And I've been here
for a long time.

Longer than I have thought...

I would.


What about you?

What's your story?

Tell me about that girl.
The girl on the train.

Careless moment.

That's too easy.

Uh... temporary insanity.



You seem to have a thing
for girls in trains though.

That is funny.

- It's funny?
- I actually...

I actually used to build
model trains as a kid.


Maybe it's subconscious.


Well, I actually
used to eat sand

on the playgrounds
when I was kid.

That sounds like
an eating disorder.

But does it mean that
I should be living
on the beach?


- Did you know...
- Maybe it's subconscious.

Did you know Kentucky
is right next to the ocean?

- Is it?
- No, it's not.

- Really?
- No.

Well, I have no sense
of geography.

Do you mind?

Did you ever think that

your cooking would
get you into my bed?

That was my plan all along.

Actually, it was my plan.

- But I'll let you believe
it was yours.

- You're full of surprises.
- Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. Speaking of...


I thought all
French women smoked.

That's such a cliche.

I know.


I'll do it. I'm gonna try
not to disappoint you

but I really suck at it.

Just let me have
my stereotype.


It's really sexy
when you smoke.

Thank you.

Who do you think you are?

Jean-Paul belmondo?

Are you trying to impress me?

- Is it working?
- It is.


Ah, fuck!


- Sorry.

Look at you, wearing
your big girl's blouse.

Good luck trying to
work off that flabby gut

scribbling on a clipboard.

Good morning, Liam.

That's not gonna do a damn thing
for your sorry knob either.

Why are you always
talking about my genitals?

Seriously, man.
Your withered little joint

is the most pitiful thing
I've ever seen.

It's interesting.
That's not what
your mother said.

Ah! You fucking scum!

Let me go, you fucking biter!

Ooh! Oh!

I had her first.


I'm glad you lost
your fucking ring, you cunt!

Come on back, you coward!

Go fuck yourself!

- Are you in?
- Unfortunately.

- This place is disgusting.
- Okay.

By my desk, there should be
the box my microwave came in

with some magazines on it.

Yeah. Some magazines?


Dig in there.

Okay. Oh, my god, Stuart.


- Oh, my god.

A 20-year-old bottle
of blanton's,
you son of a bitch?

Okay. I need you to overnight
that case to shay Max.

- The address is...
- Just text me
the address, Stuart.

And please, tell me this is
gonna help you close this deal

and you're not just
gonna drink it.

No, I'm not gonna drink it.

Je me souviens, à I'époque
je devais être en cm2.

Avec mes grands-parents,
on venait ici régulièrement
pour faire les vendanges.

Et moi, même les vendanges...

What happened to you?

It was all for love.

Look, I wanna get
my ring back.

This is a stickup?

No, I wanna get it
out of the hock.

S'il vous plait.

And you're paying by check?

No. I wanna make a trade.

- A trade?
- Yeah.

But what item
do you have to trade?

A full case of 20-year-old
Kentucky bourbon.

That drink means nothing.

Have you ever
heard of blanton's?

That would be 60 euro.

Before, it was...

This is much more than
the value of your love ring.

You fool.

But we have a deal.

Should this package
not arrive tomorrow,

my cousin Leo
will be paying you a visit.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

If that's what you call it.

Excuse me.

What is your life?

Why are you still here?

For your information,

I actually represent
a certain party in the states

that's looking
to acquire vineyards here
in the Bordeaux region.

- Do you?
- I do.

Hmm. And you're
looking to acquire what?

Chateau beauregard.

That will never happen.

The offer we are prepared
to make is more than reasonable.

The one you must
negotiate with is not.

Actually, I found her
to be quite reasonable.

I'm speaking about her husband.


Gerard. You've met him.

And Gerard wants nothing,
and will take nothing.

You and Gerard are married?


Why wouldn't you tell me that?

How would you not know?

How could I know?

You two have never even spent
the night together in a room.

Can we talk about this later?


Uh... excusez-moi.
Pardon me.

S'il vous plait, merci.

Please follow me,
I'm gonna show you
the vineyard

and the beautiful
pomerol landscape.

Hello, Stuart.

God, you're like a...
Like an in-grown hair.

Just keep popping up,
very irritating.

Very embarrassing.


Stu, I mean, officially,
I'm supposed to be
offended by your behavior,

but... I mean, if you and...
I mean, she's like...

- Frank.
- I'm coming. I'm coming.


Whoa! Take it easy, big fella.

Look, mate, I'm...
I'm taking off. All right?

You won her. Fair and square.
So, go get your ring back.

Maybe you and Louise
can settle down.

I got my ring back.

I think I might just
work on myself for a while.

Oh, good for you.

No, I'm a big fan
of self-improvement.

You are?


Do you think you can
spare a few quids

so I don't end up like
a homeless person out there?

No. I barely have bus fare
and you still owe me
for that dinner.

You're not gonna let go
of that one, are you?


All right, well,
this is it then, mate.

- All right?
- All right.

You stay in touch,
you big, red bastard.

- Good luck to you, Liam.
- We had an adventure,
didn't we?

- Yeah.
- There were some good parts.

- Yeah.
- Come on, you're not
gonna forget me.

Yeah, I won't.

You take care
of yourself, Stuart.

You stay beautiful.

Good luck to you, Liam.

Don't need it!


I... I don't know,
I've just been thinking about...

It was really sweet
in its own absurd wrong way.


You and I have always had
very open, honest conversations.

And that day
at the Eiffel Tower...

I know, French tsa
is the worst.

I realized that it had
nothing to do with me.

It was you
risking our friendship

to realize an idealized version
of what your life could be.

You're right.

And I am sorry.

- All right?
- Okay.

Do you think in like
a not-weird, not-proposal way,

I can just, like,
look at the ring?

It was a ring.
You didn't get the sparkle.

- I didn't get the sparkle.
- No.

I don't have it.
I just had it.

God damn it!

Look, it's cool.


Such a good talk. Oh!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doing?

I lost
my group back there.

I was hoping to get
a ride back into town.

Where are you from?
I detect an accent.

Are you from the isles?

Keen ear you have, yeah?
- It's probably...

It sounds like
he's British to me.

The accent and myself
are from Scotland.

Ah, that's what
I was gonna say.

What do you do in Scotland, hon?
Are you a pig farmer?

Uh, close.

I used to be
a professional football player.

Okay, now, just...
For the record,
I think what he means,

-is what we would
think of as soccer...
- Frank, we know what he means.

- He means soccer.
- All right.

But you used to be.
What happened?

Well, I hurt my foot.

And now, I'm just
a regular guy trying to
put pieces back together.

Mmm. What kind of pieces?

Well, you're one
for the questions, aren't you?

Well, if you must know,
I was recently spurned
by the love of my life.

- Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Yep. That happens.

- That kind of stuff happens.
- Yeah.

I just
said that, frank.

It happened,
it has happened.

Who's got a rolaids?

To answer your question, yes.

I'm married.

But it's complicated.

I mean...

For some reason, my marriage
became something that isn't...

That is not romantic
anymore, and...

You know, I wasn't expecting
to meet someone on a train,

and everything happened
so fast, that...

I should have told you that...

In my mind,
I am not living the life
of a married woman, and...

Maybe that's why I didn't
feel the need to explain.

Does that make
any sense at all?

Not totally.


I'm okay.

She would have
loved it here.

Who are you
talking about?

My girl. You know,
my ex-girl.

I had her out here
in Paris, two matches.

I'm at a crossroads myself.

- Aye?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- That's okay.

Well, look.

I still got the ring.

I paid 7 grand
for the thing.

Which means it's probably
only worth 6.

But I bet we could get
4, 4 and a half for it.

Enough for you and I
to live a little.

Get away from the grown-ups.

You like?

Oh. Wow.

This would be
a nice present for Edie.

- You know, she...
- Hey, hey.

Not again!


I've been told
I have impeccable taste.


Hi, peanuts, what's happening?

This is my engagement ring.
It's the one from Stuart.

- What?
- From Stuart?

What do you mean
the one from Stuart?

Oh, that is Stuart's ring.

Are you Rosie?

- Oh, fuck!
- How did you get this?

Wait a minute.
Why do you have
Stuart's ring?

He gave that to me.

No, no, no.
Stuart is a dumb-ass,

but he would never
give you this ring.

All right, all right,
all right, look.
I took it.

- What is wrong with you?
- Okay. I took it.

But there's a good reason.
I was broke, and alone,

and I did not want to go home,

and I met your
beautiful daughter,

and I wanted to spend
everything I have on her.

Of course you do,
look at her, she's gorgeous.

- She is.
- Now...

Call the police, frank.
Call the police.

- I'm calling the police.
- No, no, no.

There's no need for police.

Look. Look.
I'm sorry, all right?
I really am.

Been a bit broken, lately.

Been doing
a lot of shitty things.

- Wow.
- Turns out I don't know
the number of the police.

What a great confession.
A real catch over here.

Bet every woman
just drops her panties

- at the sound of that.
- All right.

Sincere apology, ma'am.

Practice your French
on the chocolatier,
I don't know.

Yeah, chocolatier.
Let's go to the chocolatier.

- Yes. Dad knows where one is.
Just take her, please.
- You two...

You're good people.

Don't you dare
give him back that ring.

- You two have fun.
- I apologize.

- It's a pretzel cut!
- Come on, come on. Please.

Thank you for that.

Let's go get lunch.


I don't know.
I really think
you're an idiot.

But I don't know,
I like your accent,
so let's go.

- It's cool, isn't it?
- It's kind of cool.

I knew you and I
had a connection.

Do we?

- I think we do.
- Okay.

Just full disclosure.
I have no money.

So lunch is on you.

I said, let me
buy you lunch.



Have you seen
the lady of the house?

Uh, I mean your wife.

Took off on her bike
couple hours ago.

And I don't keep
a tracking device on her.

I've noticed she's
very independent.




I care a great deal
about her happiness.

She was very young
when I brought her here. She...

She gave up a lot

for a dream that
wasn't really hers.

Actually, I might be
able to help you with this.

I don't know
if Louise told you,

but my company distributes wine
throughout north America.

She said you were in whiskey.

...Primarily, yes,

but we also own
many boutique vineyards
like your own,

and I'm authorized to make
an offer on your vineyard.

A substantial one

and I would
eventually take over
management and sales,

and take all the work
off your hands,

uh, and of course, Louise's.
She'd be free to paint, or...

Paint and...

I would guarantee
that your legacy
is in good hands, sir.

It's an interesting proposition.

Have you
spoken to Louise about this?

No, I haven't.

- Actually, earlier I was
trying to find...



You okay?






Where are we
on the beauregard deal?


Moving along.

It's... it's a unique process.

Okay, Stuart, we're prepared
to make a real offer here.

So if you have a timeline,
can you make the intro?

I spoke with the owner.
And he was...

They were open
to selling the vineyard.


How close are you?

Look... I know...
I don't know...

I'm legitimately close
to buying the vineyard. Okay?

I just have a...

Just one small issue
I have to deal with,
and then...

Okay. So you can
make the introduction.

Stuart, are you there?

What small issue do you
need to deal with? Me?

No. Louise, no.
That's not...

Did you somehow think
you could buy the vineyard
in my back?

No. Absolutely not.
That's not true at all.

Look, I've been trying
to find a time,

respectfully, to speak to you
about this, okay?

I spoke with Gerard
before he passed,
and I...

He was open to
selling the vineyard.

- Oh, really?
- Yes!

Like you and Gerard
decided on my life together?

No! Not at all.

We're talking about
you selling something.

We're not stealing it.

I'm talking about
the best thing that could
possibly happen for you.

I can take care of
everything that you hate.

You can spend time
with your painting,
and your...

You can enjoy your life.

- I get it.
- Yes!

You're my hero.

But where do I belong
in this story, huh?

Did you think that maybe
I wanted something else?

Or maybe I can make
my own decisions?

Of course I did.

I should have
told you upfront. Yes.

- I don't want
to lose this, okay?
- Huh!

Oh, really?
Well, I don't blame you.

You can make tons of money.

What are you... no!

I don't want to lose us.

What's your worth?
You know what?

You are nothing.
You are nothing.

You should just leave.
You should just get
the fuck out of here.

And take anything you want.
It's gonna be yours anyway.

- Look...
- You know what?

You got the fucking vineyard,
but not the girl.


Let me just
work this out. Please.

This is the final call
for American airlines

flight 238
to louisville, Kentucky.

Three-piece dark meat,
mashed potato, corn on the cob.

Ailerons de poulet.

Uh... nothing.

Thank you.

Hey, Louise, it's Stuart again.

Uh, I just want to let you know
I got some kfc tonight

and Kentucky misses you.

And the colonel misses you.

And, yeah, that's it.

Um... call me.

Well, a thousand cases
would be great.

- And how about
I throw in 50 cases...
- Good job.

...at cost?

Well then, I guess
I gotta fly down to Texas

and teach you how to
make an old fashioned.

Hey, Louise, it's Stuart.

I called the chateau
this time. I thought
you might pick up.

You're there
probably working, busy.

Um... yeah, I was
hoping you'd pick up.

It's been a week,
can you believe it,

since I've been home. Uh...

Okay. Maybe I'll
try again later.

- Oh, boy.

Look at these idiots.

Come on!
You're a professional.

You okay?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

They're in trouble.
I think they're gonna lose.

Is it...
Is it the sunset?
Or it's the... yeah.

Mmm-mmm. It's a comet.

It's a celestial event.
I think it lands
in the vineyard.

It doesn't harm the chateau.

What are you doing here?

I thought I could go home,
but you're not there.

And I've never felt home

except when I was with you.

'Cause you...

You care for life
like no one I've ever met.

I told sharron she could
take the offer herself.

If you sell your vineyard,
she can have it all.

I don't...

I don't want
something easy.

I want you.

Can I sit down?


I guess I...
I should tell you that I...

I accepted their offer
this morning.

I sold the vineyard.

It's a shame. You could have
painted your own vineyard.

It was never
about the vineyard for me.

Just the girl.

How much was it?

It wasn't in the box.