Uncle Nick (2015) - full transcript

Lewd, drunken Uncle Nick (Brian Posehn: Mr. Show & Sarah Silverman Program) stumbles his way through his brother's cookie-cutter family's annual Christmas gathering in the hopes of hooking up. Presented by Errol Morris, Uncle Nick is a comedy of inappropriate behavior, uncomfortably interrupted trysts, and a monumental over-serving of ten-cent beers.


[Uncle Nick]
Are you recording?

Alright, let's do this.

Anyone have a Kleenex?

[whimsical music]

♪♪

Okay.

[Uncle Nick]
Cleveland Municipal Stadium.

Ground was broken on June 24th, 1930.

The three million dollar
facility officially opened

just over a year later,

and become home to the Cleveland Indians

and Chief Wahoo.

The Indians won the World Series in '48,

and won the American
League pennant in '54.

The Browns were a championship team.

Local DJ Alan Freed introduced
the world to Rock and Roll.

Cleveland was a great place to live.

- [thunder cracks]
- Then the slump kicked in.

Decades of heartbreak.

Bad trades and bad luck.

The curse of Rocky Colavito.

In '69, the Cuyahoga River caught fire,

and the story made Time Magazine.

That incident turned Cleveland
into the worst kind of joke...

a running joke.

The city had gained a catchy slogan:

"The Mistake on the Lake."

[wind blowing]

[whimsical music]

♪♪

[voicemail]
Hi, Nick, this is Fairview Park

Senior Care calling.

Your mother is feeling tired today.

We don't think she
should go out in the cold.

We're paging the doctors.
It's nothing to worry about.

She said she'll call you in the morning.

Hey, what's going on, amigo?

Yeah, I need you to vaminos
over to my house,

take me by my brother's place.

Come on, man.

It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas!

Hey, Valerie.

What's crack-a-lackin', girl?

[sniffs]

Yes. Yes, you can
be on the clock.

Alright.

Gracias.

Not in that shirt.

[car horn honking]

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, Luis.

So where does your brother live?

In those rich-ass old houses
over by Lakewood Park.

Oh, there are some
really nice homes over there.

He sure as hell didn't
pay for his, believe me.

A present.

Huh.
Thanks, Luis.

You're my Number 1 Guy.

And I'm your Number One Boss.

[Uncle Nick]
The family business keeps me afloat.

Dad started Wilkins Landscape
with a lawnmower,

a pickup truck, and a dream.

Now 40 years later the business
is still alive but barely.

Bet you never gave this
to your bosses in Mexico.

Puerto Rico.

Same thing.

It's not.

Yeah, it kind of is.

It's a commonwealth
of the United States.

What?

[whimsical music]

♪♪

Gotta get gifts first, Luis.

Oh!

Blue tape.

Everybody needs blue tape
every once in a while.

They got a teenage boy at the house.

Kids love flashlights.
They go nuts for 'em.

Blank VHS.

Who doesn't like blank VHS?

Nobody.

That's it for gifts.

Alright, let's party.

- Good?
- Yeah.

I need something that a girl will drink,

something with a little punch to it.

Oh, Luis, you have a daughter.

She drink stuff like this?

Oh, she doesn't drink.
She's only 12.

She's drinking.

Believe me, they all drink.

Probably.

One last thing.

Ladies like this Fire and Ice stuff?

Yeah.

Alright.

It's gonna be an awesome night.

[Uncle Nick]
June 4, 1974,

the Cleveland Indians where
scheduled to take on

the Texas Rangers.

That year, attendance at
Municipal Stadium averaged

a paltry 8,000 people a game,

but on this night
over 25,000 would show up.

They came for 10 cent beer.

Management thought this promotion

would be a great way
to drive up attendance.

Who could say no to
a cup of brew for a dime?

You could buy up to 6 beers at one time.

There was no cutoff.

The Indians had played the Rangers

six days before in Texas.

There was bench-clearing brawl
and plenty of hard feelings.

But the real anger
was brewing in the stands.

The Rangers needed to be taught a lesson.

The citizens of Cleveland
had been kicked in the gut

for far too long.

Tonight they were going to fight back.

[Christmas music]

♪♪

Marcus!

What?

Pause your game and get in here.

I can't just pause it,
I'm playing online.

Fucking bullshit!

Hey, language!

I'll be there when the match is over.

So help me God,

if I come in there and you're
still playing that thing...

[Uncle Nick]
Sophie.

She ended her marriage

so she could have a trophy husband:

My stupid brother.

Oh, no, honey,

you're not going to wear
this tonight, are you?

I got to advertise my shirt designs.

Get the word out, get paid.

[Uncle Nick]
God, I hate my brother.

I hate everything about him.

He's the baby of the family,

an accident,

who's always skated by on looks and charm.

Can you just put on a nice
shirt like a normal husband?

It's Christmas Eve.

Okay.

[Uncle Nick]
And now I have to go over there

and celebrate Christmas with him

and his rich cougar new wife.

I'd rather be at a bar.

Okay, okay, can you get
Marcus to come in here

and finish making the popcorn garland?

And he's been playing since
he got up this morning.

Well, let him play.
I can handle that job.

No, leave it.
You'll screw it up.

That's not what I meant.

Can you go find Valerie?
She knows how I like it.

Alright.

[Uncle Nick]
But I'm going over there anyway.

- To see her.
- Valerie?

[knock on the door]

Hey, Val...

Ugh, just come in, I can't hear you.

Hey, your mom, she needs
help with the popcorn garland.

- [Uncle Nick] Valerie.
- Fuck the garland.

Yeah, I know, it's annoying, but...

[Uncle Nick]
Tonight she'll be mine.

Hey, is your brother Nick
coming over today?

That's what he said.

Awesome!
That guy is a riot.

You talk to him?

Yeah, on Facebook sometimes.

- Why?
- Because he's a loser.

You sound jealous.

Jealous of a drunk that got a DUI

in front of his own house?

I don't think so.

Santa's here!

You need to lock your door!

[Uncle Nick]
Look at this house.

Must be nice to marry into money.

Oh, Nick.

Hi!

Um, I didn't hear the doorbell ring

and you're early.

Um, dinner is at 6.
It's 3.

We're family now.

Oh.

Uhh... ugh...
okay...

I can take your coat.

Nah, I'm good.

Hey, doc, I got a question.

Um, I have this little pain

and then the skin feels tight

and weird and then there's,
like, an indentation.

Um, that's a stretch mark.
You're gaining weight.

Awesome.

Saved me a co-pay.

There is a difference
between pharmaceutical sales

and being a doctor.

Can you sell me some Vicodin?

No.

How about a little Viagra?

For a buddy.

Okay, I'm going to let you get to it.

I have to check on the cookies.

♪ Joy to the world

♪ The Lord is come

♪ Let Earth receive her King

Uncle Nick!

Hey, girl.

What's crack-a-lackin'...?

Ugh, I'm just making
this popcorn garland.

So, uh, what's in the bags?

It's just some gifts
for White Elephant...

and some drinks for the adults.

I'm an adult.

No, don't even think about it.

But Mom, it's Christmas.

Yeah.
Come on, Mom.

I'm sorry, I said no.

How about wine with dinner?

Yeah.
Dad lets me have a glass.

Well, then why don't you
go to his house?

If you want to spend
Christmas Eve with your father

instead of your family, be my guest.

Dad is my family.

You know what I mean.

Whoa, whoa, ladies,

let's save the fighting for
when we're all drunk, huh?

Nick, please.

- [whimsical music]
- [crowd cheering]

♪♪

[Uncle Nick]
Before the game had even started,

firecrackers and smoke bombs
were set off in the stands.

A hazy, murky cloud began to
drift over the game's attendees.

They were drinking cheap beer

and making their own entertainment.

The first person to run on the field

was a large woman with an ample bosom.

The crowd loved it.

She tried to put moves
on umpire Nestor Chilack.

He rejected her affections.

That was only the first display
of nudity from the crowd.

This streaker found an interesting way

to get some painful abrasions.

Great house, man.

It looks like a Pottery Barn

fucked a Restoration Hardware in here.

In a good way.

I hope we have enough.

To Dad.

To Dad.

[glasses clink]

What's the matter,
you can't put 'em back anymore?

Oh, the funny old man.

Well, baby brother,

where do you keep that
fruity shit you drink?

Got a little wine cellar
in the basement,

if that's what you mean.

Dude, what the fuck is a tannin anyway?

It's complicated.

Well, maybe you could explain it to me

like I'm some dried-up
Lakewood hag.

I don't work at the wine bar anymore.

Oh, that's right,

you're a stay-at-home mom now.

Is that like when you used
to stay home from school

and sit around all day
watching The Price Is Right,

fucking the couch?

"Uh, uh...
Take that, Plinko!

Work the shaft, Bob Barker,
work the shaft!"

You're really going to make me regret

inviting you over today, huh?

Probably.

Great, then it'll be
just like my wedding.

I don't remember your wedding.

[muffled dance music]

♪♪

"This is how we do it..."

[Uncle Nick]
I remember everything.

Just keep it together, okay?

It's our first real Christmas as a family.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

Oh, uh, Nick.

Put that out.

I will when I find an ashtray.

No, no, um... No, no,
this is a no-smoking house

so I'm sorry... ugh...

but if you have to smoke
you have to go outside.

I'll freeze my balls off out there

and you don't want to see me
without a cigarette.

It's like this but worse.

Well, then...
you can use Cody's studio.

Cody has a studio?

[whimsical music]

♪♪

What the fuck?

[Uncle Nick]
The latest in a long line

of my brother's failed careers.

And now he's apparently
a T-shirt designer?

"Futtbucker."

What a douche.

[door closes]

Can I bum a cigarette?

You smoke?

Of course.
It makes my mom so happy.

What is all of this?

"Co-Tees."

It's a play on words.

No, I get it.

He, like, set up
a website and everything.

And I actually model for him sometimes.

Yeah?
You like doing that?

Yeah, it's fun actually.

Plus, who knows?

Maybe one day
I'll be on a runway in Paris.

[chuckles]

- I could see that.
- Oh, yeah?

This whole t-shirt thing
is news to me.

When did Cody start this?

Ah, when my mom made him
quit the wine bar.

She made him quit?

Yeah, so that way
he wouldn't have to work

weird hours anymore and never be at home.

And now he can just do whatever he wants

and follow his dreams.

Fuck.

Can I use your glass?

Yeah, sure.

Damn, girl.
You were thirsty, huh?

Yeah, don't tell my mom.

I can keep a secret.

I bet you can.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

Not really.

Yeah, but I bet you have
fuckbuddies, right?

I get around, I guess.

What about you?
Do you have anyone?

No.

I'm not really interested
in having some relationship.

I just want to have fun

and not worry about getting
some jealous guy upset.

Yeah.
You're a smart girl.

Guys your age,

all they know how to do is how to mimic

whatever they've seen on Bang Bus.

It's an epidemic.

It's all about anal sex

and blowin' it on some
poor girl's tits and...

ah, Jesus...

well, you... sorry.

But you know what I mean, right?

[Uncle Nick]
I probably said too much.

But it was the truth.

I should go before my mom catches me.

If you need another drink
or smoke or whatever,

you know where I am.

[Uncle Nick]
A couple more drinks,

then things will start
getting interesting.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

In the third inning,

the beer was flowing

and the crowd was having a good time.

That didn't last long.

They were one step away

from taking the night
to an unpleasant place.

Writing a journal?

Blog?

[keyboard clicking]

You like pussy?

Just making sure you're listening.

You're a real conversationalist, Marcus.

The back and forth here
is really something.

It's hard to believe
that you're my uncle.

You're sort of like a weird homeless dude

who just kind of wandered in here.

Well, believe it, nephew,

my asshole brother married
your mom on Valentine's Day.

- Well, we can agree on
something: Cody is an asshole.

Big time.

What, he's only, like,
15 years older than me

and he wants me to call him Dad?

I got a dad.

He's 48, bald, and loves the Browns.

Not some 31-year-old douche

who makes shitty t-shirts
for a living.

Wow, you really know your shit, Marcus.

So, tell me about Valerie.

She thinks she's a model
and hates my mom.

I can see that.
She could defiantly be a model.

She's definitely hot enough.

Yeah, right.

She's 5'4" and lives in Cleveland.

When you have Ohio genetics

your body morphs
into the shape of a tugboat

by the time you're 30.

It's inevitable.

[chuckles]

You're alright, Marcus.

You're a whole lot of alright.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

Oh, no, I need that for the stuffing.

[crunches]

Hey, shouldn't you guys be on your way

to the nursing home by now?

Oh, yeah, Mom's not coming.

What? Why?

They said she's not feeling good

so they called her doctor
to come check her out.

That's going to cost me more money.

Great. Mom's gonna die
on fucking Christmas.

No, she's not.
She's just tired.

She needs some rest.

Michelle and Kevin
are still coming, right?

I mean, if they don't show up

I will have made this
whole dinner for nothing.

All this...

No...
I'm glad that you're here, Nick.

I just hate wasting food,

and I've been making a dinner
for eight, not five.

I'll text Michelle.
I'll see what's going on.

I'm sure she's just stuck at work.

Yeah, and I'll take home some leftovers.

I bet you will.

[mumbles]
"I bet you will."

[Uncle Nick] I decide to make
another whisky on the rocks.

Dad liked those.

[playing piano]

♪♪

I need to stop thinking about Emily

or this night is going to turn
into a complete disaster.

[sighs]

[piano playing continues]

♪♪

You're good.

Show me how to play something?

It's not that easy.

- Show me where to put my fingers.
- Okay.

Alright. Ready?

Yeah.

[playing piano together]

[giggles]

[chuckles]
I'm terrible.

[laughs]

[distant glass breaks]

I should go check on that.

I need a refill.

[cell phone vibrates]

[scoffs]

Who the fuck's Jon Miller?

[Uncle Nick]
In the bottom of the fourth inning,

Rangers pitcher Fergie Jenkins

was taken down by a line drive

from the bat of Cleveland's Leron Lee.

The ball came so fast,

Jenkins couldn't decide
whether to catch it

or get out of the way.

He ended up getting
hit straight in the gut.

The crowd sprang to life.

Not out of concern for the injured player

but because they wanted more.

They wanted blood.

The fuse had been lit.

The crowd began to chant in unison:

"Hit him harder.
Hit him harder.

Hit him harder."

Hey, Cody.
Think fast!

Nick!

Jeez, man, you almost broke my phone.

[Uncle Nick]
Look at this guy,

sporting a new outfit his wife bought him.

Seriously, dude!

[Uncle Nick]
What a little pecker.

You break something in here,
the lady of the house,

not gonna be happy.

Man, you're whipped.

You know, there is nothing
better than a tasty beverage.

Hey, do us a favor, man,
don't drink too much, okay?

Excuse me for wanting
to enjoy my fancy new mug.

"Number One Boss."

Fucking impressive shit.

That's me.

You know, you should
come work for me, Cody.

Family business.

What dad always wanted.

Not a chance.

What's it like to not
have to work for a living?

I work.

Oh, I saw your little
make-believe business

in the garage.

Oh, I'm sorry, your "studio."

[laughs]

What was that, Marcus?

I didn't say anything.

That's right. You just
go back to having no life.

Mind your own business.

That's not cool, man.

No, man.
Kids like him,

they spend their whole day
on the internet,

they think they got the world figured out.

Let me ask you something,
Marcus. When...

When was the last time you had sex?

Or better yet,

when was the last time you kissed a chick?

You know what you're good at, Marcus?

Stuffing your fat face with junk food

and playing video games all day.

Congratulations, my man.

It's gonna get you real far in life.

Hey. Do not listen
to that dickwad.

Hey, Marcus, think fast!

- Oh, dude!
- Marcus!

Go ahead and blame that on me.

Do not worry about it, okay?
It's totally cool.

[Uncle Nick]
I've had one too many too early.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

What's she interested in?

Nice tits.

[mug breaks]
Oh, shit.

[Uncle Nick]
The booze caught up with me too fast.

[gagging]
This isn't good.

[vomiting]

There, that's better.

Time for Round 2.

You disappeared upstairs for a bit.

Is everything okay?

Do you have a boyfriend?

No.

We went over this, remember?

Yeah, I know, it's just...

Ah, never mind.

Okay... well, now you
have to say something.

- Is that how it works?
- Uh-huh.

I just...

When you left me at the piano?

You left your phone behind.

Were you going through my phone?

No!

No, I would never.

That's something
a creep would do. Yuck.

No, I just glanced over when it lit up,

out of pure reflex
and... you know.

What did you see?

Kind of a racy text.

Yeah. That.

Do you like that?

Sexting?

Sometimes, yeah.

Who's this guy?

Jon?

You don't know him.

You know, you could send me
a message like that some time.

Just as a goof.

You know what?
Forget it.

Nah, I don't even care,
Like, I don't give a fuck.

But if you were bored...

I, you know, have a lot of texts
on my phone plan

that I never use, you know, thousands,

and it just seems like a waste,
so then next month it's...

- [cellphone buzzing]
- two thousand, you know...

You should get your money's worth.

Holy shit.

Val,

you know how upsets me when you smoke.

- She's not.
- I'm not.

Nick, are you ok?

Yeah, I'm awesome.

Val, come in and set the dinner table.

Are you gonna ask Marcus
to do anything, or just me?

Now.

Hold on.

Have you been drinking?

No, alright? God!

[sighs]

Don't corrupt my daughter.

I'm not.
I'm a positive influence.

Of course you are.

But your daughter is twenty
and in college.

I should be the least of your worries.

[cell phone vibrates]

Are you going to answer that?

No.

You look ridiculous.

- [door closes]
- What are you talking about?

I look like fuckin' Jason Statham.

I'm a badass.

[Uncle Nick] I used to light
cigarettes like this for Emily.

One for me, one for her.

There I go again.

Think about the girl
that's here with me now.

[receives text]

Shit just got real.

[camera shutter clicking]

Fuck.

It's too damn cold in here.

- [knocking at the door]
- C'mon, dude.

Just a second!

[camera shutter clicking]

That's what I'm talkin' about.

[chuckles]

- [knocking on the door]
- Hurry up.

Almost done.

Hey, Michelle.

Oh, my God.

Were you beatin' it in there?

[Uncle Nick]
My sister.

She's got the good looks of Cody

but the bad manners of me.

What? No, no, I've got
this thing on my pants.

I'm good.

Uh, when'd you get here?

Just now. Get out.
Beater.

- It's all yours.
- Eww.

Hey, big game on Sunday.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gimme a minute.

Come on.

Send, you piece of crap.

What are you trying to do?

Don't worry about it.

[sighs]

I'm sorry.

These pants give me the worst camel toe.

[laughs]

What?

That's obscene.

They call it a moose knuckle
where I'm from.

- My dear.
- [Uncle Nick]
This is my brotherin-law Kevin.

Thank you, baby.

[Uncle Nick] All he ever wants
to talk about is his podcast.

You're listening to the
Beat of the Drum podcast.

We'll talk about baseball,
especially Indians baseball.

And please start leaving comments.

I really want to start a dialogue here.

So you guys up to date on my podcast?

It's really...
really starting to make waves.

It's inspiring a lot of discussion.

Hey, I'm sorry we were so late.

It's like, all these assholes
come out on the very last day

and the lines were, like,
crazy today, right, babe?

Yeah!

And what's the deal with Mom?

Is she not coming?

She said she's sick or something.

What do mean "sick or something"?

What did she say?

Well, the caretaker lady called.

- You didn't talk to her?
- No, left a message.

[scoffs]

Is it just me

or is it weird celebrating Christmas here?

It's fucking so weird.

So. Weird.

Look at this room.

You know, it's not that weird.

It's a really pretty house,
and it's my house.

Come on, Cody.
It's her house.

What'd you pick out, the remote?

[laughs]

I just feel like
they should be serving us

tea and crumpets,

or perhaps some
lamprey pie with the Queen.

Ooh, I could have some lamprey pie.

Ooh, constable, have you
spotted my dick out?

Yes, please,
I'm looking for my spot of dick.

Oh, ma'am, I think I saw it in your boot.

G'd gloore.

You know, guys,
Sophie's really stressed out

so please don't make fun
of her house during dinner,

okay?

You could show a little respect.

Yes, respect for the Queen.

Ooh, yes, me Lady.

Ooh, yes you, Lady.

Sounds like a dog drinking.

What is that, nutmeg?

[chuckles]
You can still taste it, huh?

It's my secret recipe.

The Colonel doesn't have shit on me.

Hey, Nick, I was wondering
if maybe you'd like to come by

if you have some free time
and join me for a podcast.

I'd love to talk to you
about 10 Cent Beer Night,

everything that happened.

Maybe later.

Yeah, I bet you'd like that.

Hey, there he is!

Can I have one?

Yeah.
Go nuts, kid.

Well, maybe we should ask his mom first.

Nah, relax.
It's Christmas.

I don't know anything about this.

[gasps]

Hey, I'm still waiting for that picture.

Yeah, well.
Stupid phone.

How do I turn this fucking music off?

My mom wouldn't like that.

Well, I don't like this.

If I have to hear
"Chestnuts" one more time,

I'm going to roast my
goddamn head in the open fire.

I can't fuckin' take it.

What the hell is this?

It's a karaoke machine.

Yeah.

Alright, let's do this.

[Christmas music playing]

♪♪

♪ Oh, come all ye faithful

- No.
- Yes.

♪ Joyful and triumphant

♪ O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem

♪ Come and behold Him,
for the King of Angels

♪ O come let us adore Him,
O come let us adore Him,

♪ O come let us adore Him,
Christ our Lord.

Okay, well, dinner's almost ready.

- [timer dings]
- [vomits]

Oh!

[Uncle Nick]
As the game progressed,

the Indians fans
became more and more unruly.

They pelted the grounds crew

with batteries from their radios,

hot dogs.

Rangers first baseman Mike Hargrove

was nearly hit in the head

by a half-full bottle
of Thunderbird.

To say the drunken antics had escalated

was an understatement of epic proportions.

I'm never drinking eggnog again.

Next time you decide to steal booze,

don't treat it like
it's a bag of potato chips.

Have some goddamned
self-control, Marcus.

Hey, I wouldn't use that towel.

Ah, I can't watch.
This is tragic.

Do you really need to do that?

No, let's let the kids get drunk,

fall down the stairs,
and crack their skulls open?

- How's that?
- We all know if anyone's taking a header

down the stairs tonight
it's gonna be me, right?

Yeah, you don't need to punish everyone.

God!

It's just not Christmas
without... joy.

Yeah, the adults could have enjoyed it.

[wind blowing]

[Uncle Nick]
I remember how Christmas used to be:

The anticipation of presents to come;

Love and warmth

and Emily.

I wish I could experience
those feelings one more time.

But instead, I'm spending Christmas dinner

staring at a picture of my dick.

Nick, put your phone away.

Here's the problem.

It says the file is too big.

Yeah, it is.

So, normally I would lead
the saying of grace

but I think that tonight
that honor should go to Cody

since it's our first family
Christmas together.

Okay, I'm a little rusty but...

Bless us, oh, Lord, and these thy gifts,

which we are about to receive,

from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

You're not going to thank
God before this meal?

God didn't do shit.
Your wife did.

So thank you, Sophie.

Thanks for inviting me

and thank you for preparing this feast.

You are welcome.

Well, everyone, dig in.

There is no God!

Jesus Christ, Marcus!

He's not real, either.

Marcus!

Don't blaspheme!

Don't look at me.

My lack of belief should be respected

just as much as your indoctrinated ones.

That's it!
That's enough!

That's enough for you.

Starving me isn't going
to make me believe in your God.

Oh, yeah, you look like you're starving.

Just let the kid eat with us.

Marcus, I know what you're getting at,

but just go with it
for tonight, okay, buddy?

- Mom?
- Fine.

It's probably just the booze talking.

Have you guys heard my
latest episode of my podcast?

It's a good one.

What's your podcast about?

Well, it's called Beat of the Drum,

and it's about the history
of the Cleveland Indians.

In the new episode,
I interviewed John Adams,

the guy who plays the drum in the stadium

during Cleveland home games.

And he's a really interesting guy.

He's got stor...
Well, you should listen.

He came into the store.
That's when we met.

He was looking for a DVD player.

I set him straight.

It's on iTunes.

I don't really follow baseball, so...

Well, it's not really about baseball.

It's more about what a team is,
about loving something,

and being proud of your hometown.

Babe, she's not going to
listen to it. It's not...

probably her thing.

[belches]

You know, Sophie,

I never heard the story
of how you met my brother.

He and I hadn't talked in a while

and then next thing I know
you two are getting married.

Well, um,

we met him at Vino in Lakewood.

I was with a group of friends

and he recommended me
this amazing cabernet.

I had a feeling she'd like it.

I did...

but I liked him more.

[laughs]

Were you with your
ex-husband when you met?

Yes.

Well, I haven't really
figured out what my major's

gonna be yet so I just figured
I'd take a couple more

general studies classes,
see if anything clicks.

You should be grateful your parents

are paying for your school.

I had to go out and get a job.

College is overrated.

Didn't really help with my career.

Don't listen to him.
Just go. Trust me.

Michelle's right.

I went to the Baldwin Wallace
conservatory and I loved it.

Kind of a waste, though.

It's her decision.

If she wants to drop out, she can.

Val, what, you're dropping out?

No, I mean...

maybe, if my modeling career takes off.

And if I drop out, I'll actually
have time to go on auditions.

She's really good, babe.

You saw the pics for the website.

She's a natural.

We will talk about this later.

I would advise that nobody go
into that upstairs bathroom

for at least an hour.

I'll go light a candle.

Thank you.

Wow, I should have brought
sweatpants over here.

Ugh.

Michelle, how's your, uh, job?

At the store?

The, uh... the...

Well, it's retail so it's horrible.

Oh.

But we get an employee discount...

so that's something.

Yeah, our DVD collection
is like... boom!

[makes explosion sound]

Are you really dropping out of college?

We got, like, two walls.

One is Blu-ray...

I don't know.

I mean, what's the big deal?

It's not like Cody graduated college.

I raised you in this big house.

I helped you do your homework.

What have I done wrong here?

I think Dad has a pretty good list.

Don't ruin Christmas.

I hate it here.

This is all just some big fake show,

and I don't even remember
the last time we used

these stupid dishes.

These are Crate and Barrel.

They don't make better dishes then these.

Trust me on that, little princess.

You know, it's not what
you think it is around here,

and I really want you to know that.

Nobody's happy.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Nick, I forgot to mention,

we're getting a new bed
delivered next week.

You should take the old one.

Nah, I'm good.

Oh, we insist.

If Nick doesn't want it,

we'll take it because our bed is terrible.

I get jabbed with springs every night.

No, Nick should take it.
He needs it.

You know, get rid of
that old thing in there...

especially after what happened.

I don't need a bed
because I don't sleep on one.

Where do you sleep?

On the couch.

Is it more comfortable?

That cannot be good for your back.

I haven't slept in a bed in eight years.

Has it really been that long?

Why did you stop?

I was seeing this girl, Emily,

and it was the first time I'd been serious

with a girl in a while.

I was so busy with work
and taking care of Mom,

I just didn't have time for a girlfriend.

I meet Emily, things are great.

It's Christmas Eve,

and she comes over

and she decides to spend the night...

I have to go to the bathroom.

It may still smell horrible up there.

I don't care.
I can't hear this right now.

She died.

Emily had an aneurism in her sleep.

She never knew what hit her.

And I didn't know.

I had to wake up in the morning
and she's so cold.

So I hold her tight, try to warm her up.

Maybe we shouldn't
be talking about this...

It's okay.

I started, so might as well finish.

And that's when I finally realized

something was wrong when she...

evacuated her bowels...

or whatever the medical term is.

That's when I discovered

something horrible had happened.

That's so sad.

I still think you should
take the bed, though.

It would probably help.

Well, I hope you've all
saved room for dessert.

[Uncle Nick] By the sixth inning
everyone was good and drunk.

Many fathers had soon realized

that as soon as the innings had passed,

the risk to their loved ones grew.

It was time to go.

They didn't want to see
what happened next.

The troublemakers didn't go anywhere.

They stayed,

ready to see this through to the end.

[Uncle Nick]
I rarely tell this story.

How will Valerie react?

If she comes through that door,
she's mine.

Just sit here and wait until she does.

[ethereal music]

♪♪

She won't say a word.

Neither will I.

And it will be perfect.

Nick?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

Cody mentioned once
that you had a girlfriend

who passed away

but I didn't know the
whole story, obviously.

Yeah.
Now you do.

I'm sorry that happened.

The offer still stands, about the bed,

you know, if you want it.

Alright.

Yeah, I think I'm okay.

We're going to start
White Elephant soon.

That will be fun.

Ha.

Here's how the Wilkins family version

of White Elephant works.

You start with a pile of gifts.

Simple, cheap stuff.
Nothing expensive.

If you roll a seven or eleven,

you get to take one of
the presents from the pile.

Shaking is permitted.

You go around the room

until every present is off the table.

Round two is when things get ugly.

You set a timer for ten minutes.

If you roll a seven or eleven,

you get to take a present
from someone else's pile.

- [air horn blowing]
- Air horns add tension to sudden death.

Michelle and I used to gang up on Cody

and take everything he had in round two

because, well, fuck him.

When the timer rings, the game's over.

And that's how you play White Elephant.

White Elephant is a horrible game.

It's all about jealousy and greed.

Feelings get hurt.

You know, which kinda makes
it perfect for Christmas.

Okay, so, before the game starts, guys,

I'd like to make a small announcement.

Um, inside one of those boxes

is a brand new iPad!

Aw, yeah!

Whoa, wait a minute,

we didn't buy anything that nice.

Did you change the rules on us this year?

I thought the whole point
of White Elephant

was that you're supposed
to get small gifts.

I just...

I thought that it might be more fun

if there was something that we all want?

I know I want it.

It just seems like
we would have gotten...

I feel like maybe we
should have done more.

Oh, what the hell.
Let's do it.

Okay?

Okay!

And! And!

I had the maid wrap the gifts

so even I don't know which one it is.

Well, if Cody wrapped the gifts

then he's disqualified, right?

Oh!

[upbeat drumming]

That means that you're
the maid, dum-dum!

[chuckles]

I feel good!

Yes!
iPad, you're mine.

Green one.

Booyah!

Aw, Big Eight!

Tough break, bro.

Big bucks, big bucks, no Whammy...

- Yeah!
- This is bullshit.

Remind me to never go to
a casino with you people, huh?

Suck on that.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Yay!

I'll take...
I'll take any gift.

Any one of 'em.

Oh, I got a good feelin' about that.

I don't even have to do it,
I know it's gonna...

and suck it!

[laughs]

Fuck yeah!

Who's the man?

I run this shit!

You just live here!

[air horn blowing]

You see how hot these dice are?

I'm getting third degree burns over here.

No, no...
Oh, my God!

Yep, that's right.
Gimme a gift, Gifty.

Fuck yeah!

Is that really necessary?

I am the winning robot...

Cannot compute...

Level of awesomeness...

Circuits failing...

Watch out now, Nick.

There's still sudden death.

Right.

Good luck with that.

Okay, guys, we are ready for round two.

Whoo!

Yea!

Whoo!

Thank you.

Lucky bitch.

[celebrating]

Alright, Uncle Nick.

Give me the biggest one.

[timer dings]

[Uncle Nick]
That's what happens

when I get a glimmer of hope in my life,

my stupid brother ruins everything.

Thank you, sir.

Fuck you, sir.

Alright, you guys.

iPad, this is it.

Matches...

Aw, a tea set.

I like this...
if you wanna...

I'm guessing that these
are from you, Nick.

Yep.

Looks like you're the
real winner here, huh?

Look what I got.

Yes, yes, yes!
In your stupid face!

Gimme some love!
Yes!

Gimme some love!

You gonna leave me hangin', bro?

Yep.

Aw, come on.

Michelle, will give me some love.

Kev, will give me some love.

You know, Nick, nobody likes a sore loser.

You're right.
So take your iPad, Cody.

Take it like you've taken
everything that's ever been

given to you your entire fucking life.

I've worked plenty.

[scoffs]

Pouring wine is not work.

Oh, and bossin' around a bunch
of Mexicans, that's work?

Puerto Ricans.

Whatever.
Like you work hard.

Work is taking over the family business.

Hey, nobody asked you
to take over, Nick.

You're right.

Nobody did ask me to take over.

I had no fucking choice.

I had to pay for your
failed college education

because Dad died.

One other thing:

When are you going to start kicking in

on the nursing home bill?

I don't think it's fair
that I have to scrape by

to support my mom alone.

You're married to Cody now

so I think that you should
share some of the burden.

I don't think that this
is an appropriate time

to discuss this.

When is it appropriate?

Can we put that on the fucking calendar?

Can you pencil me in?

[scoffs]

Leave her out of this, Nick.

Fuck yourself, pretty boy.

Do we need to take this outside, Nick?

Look at me.
Look at me. Calm down.

Cody, knock it off.
You're not helping.

Yeah, well, I will not be
disrespected in my house!

"In my house!"
Do you hear that shit?

Unbelievable.

Okay, knock it off.
Come on, come with me.

Come on.

Fuck you, Cody.
Fuck you and your tannins.

Yeah, well, fuck you, Nick.

Eat all the dicks, buddy.
All of 'em.

[wind blowing]

Here, drink this.

Fuck that.

That was real mature, Nick.

God, I hate it when you're like this.

Yeah, well, I hate Cody.

Well, Cody didn't ruin your life.

[scoffs]
Now you're taking his side?

No, Jesus, of course not.

It's just...

if you're so unhappy running
the landscaping company,

why don't you just sell it?

To who?

I don't know.
Somebody.

And do what?

I'm too old to start over.

And who's going to take care of Mom?

You know I would
help you out if I could.

I know.

You've seen my husband.

You've heard his podcast.

No, I haven't.

I won't listen to that fuckin' thing.

- Not a chance.
- Me neither.

Listen, it's just...
It's Christmas.

Let's go relax and enjoy ourself, okay?

Fuck everybody else.

Alright.

[Uncle Nick] I can't believe
that I'm about to ask her this.

Hey, do you think
I have a shot with Valerie?

I mean, you're a girl,
you know that kind of shit.

Dude!

Wake up!

Valerie's a fucking kid!

She's twenty,

and she's been giving me
the signs all night to round third...

Oh, she's twenty.

Dude.

Oh, my God, is that your dick?!

Why the fuck would you show me that?!

Jesus!

Whoops.

No, this.

She says she loves to suck cock.

Oh, my God, what is
fucking wrong with you?

Jesus!

You're gonna keep
this on the D-L?

Dude, you need to sober the fuck up

before you do something
stupid that you'll regret.

Hey!

Jesus fucking Christ.

[door slams shut]

[wind blowing]

Where we going?

I was just going to drive around.

Um...
You don't need another DUI.

[chuckles]

You're right.

I just can't be in there anymore.

Might as well get comfortable, huh?

[laughs]

[electric seat whirring]

[chuckles]

Jesus.

You know I'm still waiting
for a picture, right?

Yeah, you don't want to see that.

How do you expect to get
something in return?

Could just whip it out right here,

save us both the trouble, huh?

Alright.

Do it.

Yeah?

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Whip it out.

[chuckles]

Nah...

It's cold.

This is what you want, right?

You've been thinking about
this all day, haven't you?

Thinking about what?

Getting me alone.

Having your way with me.

You have, haven't you?

The thought has crossed my mind.

Is this what you want?

What do you want to do to me, Uncle Nick?

Get off.

What?

Get off. Get off.

Why?

Valerie, I can't, I just can't.

Are you fucking serious?

[sighs]

I'm sorry. I...

It's wrong.
We shouldn't be doing this.

[sighs]

Well, it's your loss.

I was just drunk enough
to actually say, "Fuck it."

I know.

I know.

Fuck.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

[Uncle Nick] Local legend
John Adams sat in the bleachers

and hit his base drum as he always did

when the Indians were in need of a rally.

They were down and the
game was slipping away.

[drum booming]

Fuck it.

[cellphone buzzing]

Hello?

[laughs]
Who found them?

Hello? Nick?

It's all fucked, Luis, it's all fucked.

I don't understand.
What do you mean?

I just...

When is it going to be my time?

Nick, I have to go.

It's Christmas, you know?

I know I said that I was
going to get a cab home

but I really need you to come get me.

I need to see a familiar face.

Hey, I'm not a taxi service, okay?

You don't have any respect for me, man.

You're my Number One Guy...

You're a drunk!

And I'm sick and tired
of taking care of you...

What are you talking about?

You are the worst boss I've ever had.

I don't care if I have to stand

in front of a Home Depot
for the rest of my life.

I quit! Punta!

[crying]
What have I...?

[Silent Night plays]

♪♪

No, we shouldn't.

Yes, we should.

Okay, wait...
No, no, no.

I really want you to get your nose...

I mean,

I don't know how much further
I can get it in there.

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright...

What is "Do Not Disturb"?

[sniffing]

Swirl it.

- Oh, so it's quiet.
- It's on Quiet mode.

So what if we want noise?

What noises does it make?

[gargling]

Hey, hey, that's Mommy's juice!

What's this?

This is Timmy's Kindergarten Adventure.

I have never really tasted wine before.

I have really never
tasted it before either.

And I can't taste it anymore.

This is it, right?

- One, two, three.
- Two, three.

[belches]

That was really terrible.
Did you hear my burp?

No.

[belches]

♪ ...Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

- [grunting]
- [panting]

Oh, Jesus.

You feel so fucking good.

Am I tight?

Oh, you're so fucking tight.

Oh, Jesus Christ, you feel so good.

[panting continues]

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

[Uncle Nick]
By the end of the 8th inning,

things turned real ugly.

The Indians were down two runs

and were only three outs away

from ending one of the
most out of control,

unpredictable games
that America's past-time

has ever endured.

[banging on trash can]

Nick, we thought you had left.

Why did you marry my brother?

He's my dream husband.

C'mon, you're a smart lady.

You know this isn't real, right?

[scoffs]
Cody's... charming.

And he makes me feel good.

You think he feels
the same way about you?

Of course!
He married me.

Nah.

You married him.

You think he's after my money.

Amongst other things.

Mm-hmm.

So, who should I have married?

Someone like you?

You're not really my type.

I'm so sad to hear that.

[footsteps approach]

Honey, did you get that Bordeaux?

Yeah.
I found a mouse, too.

Ew! A mouse?
Where?

It was in one of those
traps but he's dead.

Um, it was really gross.

Yeah, he's gone now.
He's in the trash.

Don't worry about it.

[Uncle Nick] Sophie might not
know what's going on, but I do.

I could see it all over
their stupid faces.

They've been texting
back and forth all day,

planning this.

That dirty message I saw on
Valerie's phone was from him.

Nick!

Jeez, man, you almost broke my phone.

She's really good, babe.

You saw the pics for the website.

Sexting?

Yeah, sometimes.

Can you just come in?
I can't hear you.

[door creaks open]

You know, it's not what
you think it is around here.

Fuckin' piece of shit.

Nick!

Fuck!

Can I bum a smoke?

[Uncle Nick]
The aftersex cigarette.

Just have mine.

Thanks.

You seem relaxed.

- Yeah, I needed that.
- Yeah, I bet you did.

It's been a pretty crazy day.

You could say that.

Are you still upset about
what happened in the car?

- No.
- Are you okay?

Sure.

Look, don't be weird.

I mean, you can still send me that picture

as an early Christmas present.

[Uncle Nick] With one out
in the bottom of the ninth,

the Indians rallied.

Centerfielder George Hendrick hit a double

and scored when pinch hitter
Ed Crosby singled.

Pinch hitter Rusty Torres hit a single,

moving Crosby to second.

Alan Ashby, the third
pinch hitter in a row,

delivered another single.

The bases were loaded.

The sacrifice fly from third
baseman John Lowenstein

brought Crosby home
to tie the game five to five.

On second base,

Rusty Torres represented the winning run.

Victory was in the lndians' grasp.

We should hit the road pretty soon.

Yeah, Nick, you want
to split a cab with us?

Nah.

I do have a question for you two.

You both work in electronics, right?

You know this shit.

What's up?

Hypothetically speaking,
just hypothetical,

let's say that I recorded some
footage on my phone here

that's X-rated in nature.

Gross!

- I said, hypothetically.
- Still, gross.

So, it's this girl and this older guy

and they're doin' it in the
basement, dog-style, right?

Nick, no one wants to hear this.

- So, it's nasty, right?
- 'K.

Language is super-dirty

and it's just about how
great her lady-parts are,

and how tight she is.

- Yeah, I think "tight" is the word
that was used.
- Nick, shut your mouth, man.

Anyway, there's got
to be some way for me

to email it to everybody
in my address book, right?

Well, you might want
to go on your computer...

Jesus!

- Honey!
- What the hell is wrong with you?

Cody, stop it!

What's going on?

She started it.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.
Listen, I can explain.

Listen.

- No, no, let's not blow
this out of proportion.
- Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no.
Relax, Sophie.

- I left my husband for you.
- Sophie, listen. Soph...

I said it was hypothetical.

I don't have any footage.

I presented it as
a hypothetical situation.

I said the word like, five times now.

Right?

So you guys are my witnesses.

You owe me a phone, little brother.

You son of a bitch.
I'm gonna kill you.

[Uncle Nick]
And that's when all hell broke loose.

[TV announcer]
At which point fans ran onto the field

and grabbed for the Texas Ranger

right outfielder Jeff Burroughs,

and then the full-scale
riot was on.

[Uncle Nick]
From the Ranger dugout,

it looked as if one of their
own had been attacked.

Manager Billy Martin led the charge.

The Rangers ran out of their
dugout armed with bats

and whatever weapons they could find.

The drunken crowd stormed the field

with weapons of their own.

Within seconds, the Rangers
were heavily outnumbered

and outgunned.

Indians manager Ken Aspromonte

ordered his team onto the field,

not to attack the Rangers,
but their own fans.

Indians pitcher Tom Hilgendorf

was hit in the head
with a steel folding chair.

Ranger Mark Hargrove
was attacked from behind.

In turn, this future Indian
gave his attacker

a beating that he'd never forget.

It was pure chaos.

[TV announcer]
Both Ranger manager Billy Martin

and Indian manager Ken Aspromonte

were shaken by the incident.

In all their years in baseball
they had never encountered

such a frightening experience.

[Uncle Nick]
When a large hunting knife

landed at umpire Nestor Chylak's feet,

he knew what he had to do:
A forfeit.

The Rangers were declared the winners

but that was merely a formality.

It was time to make a break for it.

Together the Indians and the
Rangers ran from the field.

They headed for the stadium's tunnels,

away from the rioters
before someone would get killed.

Bases were stolen;

Seats were trashed,
ripped from the concrete.

It took twenty minutes

for the Cleveland police
department's riot squad

to show up on the scene.

But there was some good
to come out of that violent,

alcohol-soaked evening.

Paul Wilkins, seated in the upper deck,

finally had the nerve to do
what he couldn't for weeks:

He kissed Tammy Budnick long and good.

The young couple was lost in the moment,

oblivious to the fact that the world

was collapsing around them.

Six and a half months later,

they were married in Lakewood, Ohio.

Three months after that, I was born.

That was the beginning
of the Wilkins family.

It hasn't been the same since Dad died

but we'll figure it out.

You want a cup of coffee?

Yeah. Thanks.

There.

Be careful, it's hot.

Jesus...

all I taste is blood.

Here.

I can put some Bailey's in that.

Naw, no, I'm good.

[chuckles]
I think I should quit that.

You should see a dentist.

Yeah, I'll go tomorrow.

Tomorrow? You...

Right.

Where's Cody?

He's at a hotel.

The kids?

Um, they're at their father's.

[sighs]

I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas.

You didn't.

I was with Mark,
my first husband,

for twenty-one years.

And one day I woke up and that young,

handsome man I married
wasn't in bed next to me.

I was sleeping with an old, bald man

and it freaked me out.

So I decided to do something about it.

And I didn't think about
anybody but myself.

I want you to know
I'm not the good guy here.

I mean...

I'm a gross, disgusting man.

- No.
- Look at me.

I'm no better than my brother.

You are.

Alright.

I don't care,
it's just us here.

Merry Christmas.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

[Uncle Nick]
Cleveland's had plenty of lows

since Ten Cent Beer Night.

The Drive.

The Fumble.

The Shot.

But we've come to accept it.

It's who we are.

And with that, the Wilkins
family Christmas tale

comes to an end.

Thanks, Nick.

This has been
Beat of the Drum.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

Oh, let me get that, boss.

I got it.

Thanks, Luis.
Welcome back, buddy.

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