Unaccompanied Minors (2006) - full transcript
Spencer and his little sister, Katherine, are flying to Pennsylvania for Christmas with their dad. While changing planes, a blizzard moves in and cancels all flights out of Hoover Airport: they must stay in a basement room with the other unaccompanied minors. Spencer and four others - a chubby boy, a non-stop-talker, a surly girl, and a rich kid - go AWOL and get in trouble with Mr. Porter, the Christmas-hating airport supervisor. The five misfits spend the night evading and enduring Porter's punishments, discovering all sorts of things in back rooms, making sure Katherine gets her visit from Santa, and finding among themselves a new kind of family.
* When I was small
I believed in Santa Claus *
* Though I knew it was my dad *
* And I would hang up
My stocking at Christmas... *
Whoo! Santa.
The big man himself.
Now, Charlie,
you're gonna be okay
this year, right?
Never been better,
Dad.
Ho-ho-ho!
Who do we have here?
You're up.
Whoo! Santa.
I can't believe
it's really you.
It's all right, everybody.
Happens every year.
* Give all the toys
To the little rich boys... *
Okay, go.
Prove it.
Okay.
* Don't give my sister
A cuddly toy *
* We don't want a jigsaw
Or Monopoly money... *
Santa,
my friends and I have a bet.
About what?
I was right! You're hot!
You guys owe me a soy half-caf
with a mocha shot!
Can you get me
a discount?
* Don't mess around
With those silly toys *
* But give my daddy a job
'Cause he needs one *
* He's got a lot of mouths
To feed... *
Mom, I'm 11!
I'll look
like a loser
getting my picture
with Santa.
Okay, you'll look like someone
who's grounded if you don't.
Now go sit
on Santa's lap.
Go.
* Father Christmas
Give us some money... *
Agh!
Hands off, fat boy!
* We'll beat you up
If you don't hand it over *
* We want your bread
So don't make us annoyed *
Ho-ho-ho!
* Give all the toys *
* To the little rich boys... *
I don't wanna
see Santa!
You know what,
then let's just go.
I don't wanna go!
Then get on Santa's lap.
I don't wanna!
Ho-ho-ho!
Somebody's not being
a very good girl.
I might have to put coal
in your stocking this year.
Nice work. Did they send you
to school for that?
Okay...
Look, Katherine,
nothing's gonna happen. See?
Everything's okay.
Oh, my God!
That dorky kid
from the AV squad
is getting his picture
taken with Santa.
* Give all the toys
To the little rich boys *
* Have yourself a merry
Merry Christmas *
* Have yourself
A good time *
Ugh! Why do we have to spend
Christmas with Dad, anyway?
I mean, he's just gonna be
working the whole time.
Honey, I know that
this is all hard on you,
but you are the man
of the family now,
and your sister
is counting on you
to make this
a good Christmas for her.
Honey, please,
just take care of her.
Oh, excuse me.
Um, my children are
traveling without me,
and they told me
that I should--
I got two unaccompanied minors!
Welcome to the friendly skies,
underage travelers.
Hey, look what we have here.
The wings. And wings for you.
All right, let's go experience
the wonders of flight.
Mm, okay...
While we're young.
Yes. We have to walk.
Uh...
There you go.
It's happening.
Uh, oh...
I love you, Katie.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, Spencer.
Please focus.
Eh...
Um... Uh...
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to
Hoover International Airport.
How come we're not
in Pennsylvania?
We have
to change planes.
But I liked our plane.
Hey, so, uh, you guys
are the Davenports, right?
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
All right, well,
my name is Zach,
and I'll be taking care of you
during your layover.
And give me five!
Ha!
Follow me this way.
Ow! Man.
Where are all
the Christmas decorations?
Well, our boss doesn't really
like Christmas,
so he locked all the decorations
away somewhere.
But he did let us
put up a few things.
For example, um...
Do you see that over there?
That green thing
is a Christmas tree,
and those red thingies
are holly.
It doesn't feel
like Christmas.
Yeah, I kind of agree
with you.
But, uh, that's the way
Mr. Porter wanted it.
Huh.
Who's Mr. Porter?
He's the head
of Passenger Relations.
And, uh,
between you and me,
I don't really think
he likes passengers,
or holidays, really.
He sounds mean.
Yeah. It really depends
on what mood he's in.
Smell the air, Hoffman.
Do you know what that is?
Cinnabons, Mr. Porter?
Freedom.
It's my first Christmas off
in 15 years.
Just me,
a Hawaiian resort,
and no complaining
passengers to deal with.
You know the one
who'll be complaining now?
Me, and I'll be complaining
about everything.
And they'll just have
to stand there and listen to me
because it's their job,
not mine.
Sounds like fun, sir.
Oh,
it's more than fun.
It's my vacation.
Well,
aloha, suckers.
Aloha. All flights to Hawaii
have been canceled
due to heavy snow.
We apologize
for any inconvenience.
And Merry Christmas to me.
Twenty inches of snow
have fallen--
This is easily
the storm of the cent--
Worst blizzard we've--
Ten-foot drifts--
And then after Christmas,
head up
to Hoover International Airport
for the first-ever unclaimed
baggage warehouse sale.
You never know
what you might find.
Clothes, toys, electronics.
If someone's lost it,
you can buy it.
Oh, no, did you bite
your tongue again?
When I wrote Santa,
I forgot to tell him
that we were gonna be
at Dad's house,
all the way in Pennsylvania.
How is he gonna find us now?
Oh, you mean that Santa guy
that you're scared of? Him?
I mean, he--
He's not even gonna--
He'll find you.
The tooth fairy
gave him directions.
She works with NORAD.
Spencer, NORAD says that
Santa's gonna be
at this airport at 4:29.
So that means
if we lived here,
Santa would bring me
my new doll at 4:30.
Mm-hm.
- Um, guys.
We have a problem.
Attention, passengers.
All flights out
of Hoover Airport
have been suspended
until further notice,
due to blizzard conditions.
The weather service
is forecasting heavy snow
and high winds
until tomorrow morning,
with a chance of continued
storm activity...
You're killing me, man.
I gotta get out of here!
...we apologize
for any inconvenience.
Uh, where are we going?
Somewhere really fun.
Are we going to prison?
No, we're going to have fun
with all the other kids
who are flying by themselves.
Welcome to
the Unaccompanied Minors Room.
Hello!
Oh, man. It's like
Lord of the Flies in here.
Help us!
Zach, we're flight attendants,
not riot police.
You've got to find
someone else to take over.
You guys, there is no one else.
The storm is huge.
Just think of it
like being in the air.
With the normal passenger load
and secure all the exits
and discourage anybody
from going to the restroom.
Uh...
Oh, come on, you guys!
Have fun, Zach!
Where's your Christmas spirit?
I mean, look at them,
they're so cute.
I don't think Santa's gonna
find us in here.
* He's a rootin'
Tootin' Santa Claus *
* Ridin' reindeer
Through the skies... *
Hm, I think I bought
defective M&M's.
You know,
some of these are W's.
Oh, come on, Val,
lighten up, you know?
It's Christm-- I know that
you're worried about the kids.
They're gonna be fine.
It's Christmas Eve,
you know.
We're gonna do
more decorating--
No, no. Judy, you don't have
any more decorating to do.
Yes, I have to finish.
I have six more boxes
of lights in the garage.
This is creepy.
You're just poisonous,
aren't you?
Thanks for being
such a great sister.
The weather service is calling
it the Storm of the Century.
It's gotta be
the biggest blizzard
to hit the middle
of the country in decades.
I mean, we're talking nasty.
It's already grounded
all flights
in and out of the Midwest--
Oh, no! The kids!
Can we change planes now?
- Come on, let's go!
- Let's go!
Okay, yeah, I can do this.
All right. Kids love me.
I'm all right.
I'm good, I'm good.
Excuse me, sir?
Hey!
Didn't I tell you
this was gonna be fun?
Look at how many kids
are here, man.
Get us out of here. Okay?
Eww!
Now, why would you want
to do that?
It's great down here.
Look, watch this.
Hey, can I get-- Can I get
your guys' attention please?
Okay-- Ow!
All right, accidents happen.
Oh, all right...
That one was full!
Ow! Straw in the eye.
Straw in the eye.
Santa's watching!
He's not very happy about this!
He's not going to come
to your house!
Amateurs.
I bet he's psycho.
I heard he tore a kid
in half once.
Go poke him.
No, you go poke him.
We could call Mom.
Yeah, well,
she wouldn't drive
2000 miles
to pick us up.
Then let's call Dad.
Oh, yeah, he wouldn't drive
four feet to get us.
Pardon me, but do your parents
happen to be divorced?
What?
I'm Charlie Goldfinch,
and I'm conducting a poll
about flying solo
this time of year.
Being divorced
is number one so far.
Being Jewish and visiting
your grandparents is second.
And then there are
the rich kids.
They're not statistically
significant.
Oh, burn!
Good times, you guys.
All right.
Okay.
Her name's Grace Conrad.
I admire your taste.
She's way out of your league,
but if you talk to her,
I'll admire your pluck.
So, what about you two?
Divorce or Judaism?
It's really none
of your business.
Divorce? Me too.
Polls are a great way to learn
about your fellow man.
Thank you for your time.
This place is weird.
It could be worse.
Okay, Simon says
flush your cell phone.
Is this bathroom out of order?
Uh, no.
Uh, no.
Must escape the sound
of running water.
Read 'em and weep, boys.
Oh, man.
I'm already out,
like, 100 bucks.
Ah. Texas Hold 'Em.
Excellent game.
What, you play?
Only all the time.
No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.
I mean, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
I play all the time,
and I win.
We think she's adopted.
You're adopted, underpants!
Underpants.
Nice jacket.
Abercrombie?
Please. It's Dior.
Why? Is yours from A & F?
Our mom bought it
for him at Kmart.
Yeah, I-I got to take her
to get some food, you know?
Her blood sugar is low,
right?
No, I wanna watch them
play cards, noodle-head!
Yeah.
Let her watch,
noodle-head.
See ya, Kmart.
Deal me in.
You want your dolly back,
you big baby?
You're gonna cry, huh?
Wah, wah.
Hey, guys, check this out.
Come on, let's go.
It's borderline urgent now,
sir.
I cannot let you leave
without an attendant.
Why don't you wait
for Maintenance to fix it?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Ay, caramba!
Juice box in my back.
I am laying
on a juice box. Ow!
Sometimes I see my brother
kissing his hand
in his bedroom like this.
Awkward.
Did the door just open?
I know the door just opened.
I can feel fresh air.
Come on, let's get him!
Someone's walking out.
Morons.
You can't leave the room
without an attendant.
Where are you going?
Out.
But... Ugh!
This goes against
everything I believe in,
but I gotta pee!
Wait, who's going to pee? Ow!
Hey, keep the door closed!
Who's walking out?
Ow! You better get up, man.
Oh!
* Bells on something or other *
Uh...
* Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho *
Oh, no.
Oh, you worry me, honey.
You worry me.
I gotta call Sam.
Val, please.
Why don't you relax?
I know exactly what you need.
A nice, steaming cup
of my wonderful hot chocolate.
Oh, God,
I've had three already.
And it's 80 degrees
outside!
Are you trying
to kill me?
Well...
Uh, no.
Judy, my children are trapped
in an airport on Christmas Eve.
Do you have any idea
how miserable they must be?
* Joy to the world *
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Finally! Yeow!
Where's that kid
who had to pee?
Sam Davenport,
Clean Earth Society.
Hi, Sam, it's Val.
Oh, hey, Val.
Yeah, I'm heading to the airport
right now to pick up the kids.
You're not gonna be able to.
What?
They're not gonna
be able to fly in!
Val, Val, calm down.
There's a blizzard--
It's not snowing out.
Yes, it is.
Oh.
Well, are you sure
their flight's canceled?
Would Al Roker make that up?
No, no. I guess Al Roker
wouldn't lie.
Val, I'm gonna drive
all night to get them.
And don't make that face.
I would like a table for one
in the no-little-sisters
section, please.
Aren't you a little young
to be flying by yourself?
Not at all.
No. No kids' menu.
No, no, no, no.
No crayons either.
Welcome to the High Flyer's
Club, Miss Conrad.
Thank you.
Ooh, gadgets.
Hm...
Bingo.
Yes.
Cheese. Condiments.
Caviar.
Nachos. Oh, my mom
never lets me eat those.
So an order of those.
She's banned all sodas
from the house,
so extra-, extra-,
extra-large root beer.
My mom never let me
eat mozzarella sticks.
Mine either. Two orders.
On to dessert, huh?
You don't have a tapeworm,
do you?
Oh! Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Aah!
Travel is so exhausting,
don't you think, girls?
Left, left. Yes.
* Jingle bells
Jingle all the way *
How are you?
* Oh, what fun it is to ride *
* In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey! *
Take it, backup singers!
Sweet Jehoshaphat.
He did it.
Freeze!
Freeze! Hey!
Excuse me,
are you unaccompanied?
I'm single. Who's asking?
They are.
Are you gonna let me
get dressed,
or should I just
walk out of here naked?
Whew!
Okay, airport food's
that much, huh?
I am so gonna kill you.
It was good service.
Yep.
It seemed like he would--
Oh, you have got
to be kidding me.
He didn't even eat
the mozzarella sticks.
Eat my dust!
- Stop it, kid.
Look out!
Get her!
Coming through!
Security 5,
I have an unattended vehicle
outside here.
Hi.
Um, officer...
I-I think you're doing
a great job.
Both of you.
- Hey, kid, hop in!
I don't normally do this,
officers. Sorry!
Uh-oh.
Hey, bro. Hi, Mom, Dad.
You guys,
this vacation was awesome.
I just wanna thank you.
Grace?
- There they are!
You. Wait for me!
- Stop!
Oh, man, Harvard's never gonna
accept me with a police record.
And I'm not going to community college.
Charlie?
What are you guys doing?
That's an official--
- Get 'em!
- Let's get 'em!
I've always wanted to do this.
Go!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Uh, Charlie, you might
wanna get on the cart.
Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Oh, this is a bad idea!
Ah.
Ooh.
Nicely done.
When did you get here?!
Mm-mm.
I get the feeling we are going
to be in huge trouble.
Not with me
behind the wheel. Hang on!
Right turn!
Well, that was fun.
Welcome home.
Where are my friends?
Oh, man.
Where's my sister?
They went where
all the good little boys
and girls go for Christmas.
They went somewhere nice.
Where, you ask?
Why, the comfortable
and festive
Hoover International Lodge.
Which is just
a few thousand yards
down from this
delightful little room,
which now smells like
a horse died in it.
Oh, so we're going
to the lodge?
Uh...
I think I have an answer
to your question.
Are you out of your
juice-drinking little minds?!
The roads are blocked
because there is a little thing
called a blizzard
going on.
That's when the sky opens up
and lots of snow falls
and makes it hard for people
to do things.
Like fly to Hawaii,
for instance.
Who's going to Hawaii?
Not me.
Not anymore.
Uh, sir, I gotta
get down to my sister.
She's gonna be freaked
without me.
Will she be freaked?
You know, I'm betting
she's gonna be stoked
that people
are taking care of her,
and she doesn't have to wait
around for her brother,
who abandoned her.
So where are we staying?
What's wrong
with right here?
It smells like a horse
died in it.
Well, that's exactly
the kind of place
I thought a bunch of juvenile
delinquents would love to stay.
Hey.
Watch it, Dr. Evil.
Oh, no, did I offend you?
Well, I don't know what else
to call someone
who commits grand theft auto,
reckless driving,
and destruction of property
all in the course of 10 minutes.
Someone cooler
than you'll ever be.
Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Whoo, that's fantastic.
I didn't know we had
Ellen DeGeneres in the house.
And what about a young man
who orders the heart-attack
special and can't pay for it?
Or a girl who exfoliates herself
all over the airport lounge?
Then,
the abominable snowman
who transforms
the Emergency Equipment Center
into his own
private amusement park
and then blames it
on Aquaman?
Aren't you a little too old
to be playing with dolls?
I mean,
what are you, like 40?
Uh, actually, Beef's 12, sir.
Good Lord.
And Charlie Goldfinch,
my most frequent
underage flyer.
And formerly
model passenger.
Karaoke, son?
Was it worth it?
I had a song in my heart.
Oh, my gosh, I'm a juvie.
Uh-huh.
I think you can all see
that I have
a very compelling case
to keep you here in the U.M.
on Christmas Eve.
But, um...
who's gonna
take care of them?
You are, Van Bourke.
And unless you enjoy
unemployment,
you'll make sure they don't
get out of this room again.
Aaah!
Ho-ho-ho!
The phone lines at the airport
are still down.
Just call Spencer's cell phone.
Huh? Why don't you do that?
Sam talked me out
of getting him one.
He said millions of them were
polluting landfills already.
He's never gonna make it
from Pennsylvania to get them.
There's just no way.
He doesn't even have a real car!
You married a guy
with a vegetable car.
This is good. This is good!
Me and you on the roads.
Two guys.
I don't imagine
there are gonna be many
biodiesel depots
open on Christmas Eve,
so I've packed you
a little holiday meal.
I hope you like vegetarian.
I hope you like vegetarian.
Katherine can't have Christmas
morning without Santa Claus.
Let's go.
Road trip!
* Silver bells *
* Silver bells *
* It's Christmastime
In the city... *
I got the last rooms.
We'll have to pack
the sky brats in like sardines.
I wanna go home. I don't wanna
get packed in like a sardine.
Santa's never gonna
find me here.
I didn't understand
a word of that.
So, little girl,
how would you like to stay
with Mary Lynn and me?
Who's Mary Lynn?
Only the world's sweetest
sweetie pie, that's who.
Hi. I'm Mary Lynn.
We're gonna have
loads of fun together.
Okay. You listen,
and you listen good.
I've never had a little sister,
so you're gonna be my test run.
I am going to braid your hair,
little girl.
And even if you try to say no,
you'll face the consequences.
Get it? Got it? Good!
So there is some good news.
Your cots are ready.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
This is so not the Christmas
I had in mind.
Oh, poor baby.
I bet you have nice Christmases,
don't you, rich kid?
Where does your family go?
Paris? London? Fiji?
Please. Fiji's a zoo
this time of year.
We go skiing in Utah.
Are your folks
still together?
Yeah.
Then I hate you.
I'm not wild
about you either.
Well, I love Christmas.
And I'm Jewish.
My mom's boyfriend says
that Christmas is when
Frosty the Snowman
fights with the devil.
It talks.
I'm getting out of here.
What are you talking about?
I need to get to my sister
down at the hotel.
She's expecting Santa's sleigh
to get there at 4:30 a.m.
and if I don't get down there,
she's gonna think
Santa forgot her.
And I can't let that happen.
So who's with me?
I got an idea.
This is not gonna work.
This is so junior high.
I know.
It's cool, isn't it?
Attention, Zach Van Bourke.
Please report
to the Information Desk.
You're wanted
at the Information Desk.
Oh.
All right, guys.
Well, I'll be right back.
You guys stay. Please.
Great plan, Kmart.
Really thought that one out.
That was only part
of the plan.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm here.
Yeah.
You know what? It's been
really cool hanging out.
But I'm gonna go back
to the book.
I'm Zach Van Bourke.
You paged me?
Oh. Yeah.
You got a phone message
from some kids.
I do?
Yeah. They said:
"Goodbye."
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
You're right.
That was so junior high.
Operation Save Christmas
is a go.
Looking good, baby,
looking good!
Who needs four-wheel drive
when you've got
the power of clean?
Hey! Get out of the way,
grandma!
Fossil-fuel junkie.
Gasoholic.
Enjoy the hangover!
I wonder where the fire is.
Oh, doesn't she look
just darling?
Excuse me, lady.
Uh, I need to be at--
I need to get it--
I need to be at a chimney
at 4:30
because I need to meet Santa.
Girls? The pilots are down
in the restaurant,
and they wanna buy us dinner.
Captain Cohen's down there?
Never too late
for a fifth husband.
Let's go, girls!
The kids.
Don't worry, ma'am,
I'm a certified babysitter.
I get paid 50 cents an hour.
Mary Lynn, there's a 20
in this for you.
Captain Cohen, here I come.
Oh, no, you don't.
You are not going anywhere
because I am going
to give you a makeover.
An extreme makeover.
They're children!
Don't tell me
you can't find them.
They're little tiny people.
Get back.
Do you know what the word
"security" means? Huh?
From the Latin, securitas?
As in "secure the building
from children running amuck."
Mr. Porter,
as long as they're in
the airport they're safe.
If you chase them, it's--
It's just-- It's just
gonna make things worse.
Oh, yeah. That's right,
Van Bourke.
That would be much more tragic
than me getting fired.
Now, you help me find
those kids,
or I'm gonna lock you
in the U.M. Room all night.
How do you like them apples?
Oh, my gosh, we're fugitives.
Shut up.
What'd they do,
call out the National Guard?
If you get me sent back
to that room, you're dead.
What are you gonna do,
rich girl?
Have your daddy hire a hit man?
Maybe I'll just have him
break your dad out of jail.
Mm.
Girl fight. Girl fight.
Oh, my gosh, it's a girl fight.
No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.
Please, no, no, no.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I saw this on cable once,
but then my dad blocked
the channel.
Oh, 'tis the season to be j--
That's gonna hurt when I pee.
Oh, my gosh. Kid, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Look, I-I'm really sorry.
I just-- I just don't like
being touched, okay?
Got it. Won't happen again.
You know what, guys?
If we are ever gonna get down
to that hotel,
we have to be a team.
You know, we have to--
We have to think like a team.
We have to act like a team,
we have to talk like a team.
We have to walk like a team,
fight like a team
and be like a team
because we are the U.M. Team.
Yeah. What do we do first?
I'll get your sister
a Christmas tree.
We're never gonna see him again,
are we?
Probably not.
Okay, if I may interject.
If we wanna get out
of this airport,
our best bet would be
the lower level,
northeast corner,
behind the baggage claim.
Security's thin
at this time of night.
And how do you know that?
I fly out of Hoover
International every week.
There.
Now it's time
to brush your teeth.
I'm not a doll, Mary Lynn.
No.
You're way better.
You can talk.
And I don't even
have to pull a stupid string.
Now open up.
But, Mary Lynn,
I already brushed my teeth.
Did you tell the kids
I was coming to get them?
No.
Why not?
Because Spencer doesn't
have a cell phone, remember?
Besides, I didn't want the kids
getting their hopes up
in case your car
doesn't make it there.
Hey, the biomobile rocks,
okay?
And besides, I have enough fuel
in the back seat
to get me to Florida and back
if I wanted to.
Well, I hope you're not talking
on one of those roadside
pay phones.
I read that all kinds
of freak accidents
happen there
by the shoulder.
Wait, wait. Oh. Honey.
You have to stop reading
those dumb tabloids, okay?
You know
they make those stories up.
Aagh!
Aagh!
Oh, boy.
Tell you what, Zooey,
you gotta toughen this kid up.
Oh, Ernie. Beef's only 12.
Twelve. Exactly.
He still plays with a doll.
You seen the kids
that pick on him?
He should be eating them
for breakfast.
Ah, it's your
ex-husband's fault.
Ninny.
Tell you what,
if it was up to me,
I'd drop this kid
in the middle of the woods,
give him a knife
and a book of matches.
Let him find his way home.
That's the way my old man
did it to me.
Men are made, not born.
Merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho!
Take me with you, Santa.
Aquaman...
men are made,
not born.
My deal.
Mr. Yakamora.
Hey, big dog.
Are you hungry? Yeah.
Okay. So the exit we're looking
for is right behind that door.
We need a distraction.
Something to get them
away from there.
No Christmas dinner
for you, Cujo.
Keep barking.
Think we just
found it.
Okay, kids.
Let's follow
your crumbs.
- It's almost gone.
- Forget the dog.
Come on, keep dealing.
We only got about
a half-hour for lunch.
So this guy gives me his bag.
It was so heavy...
Hey, man. Why don't you share
your lunch with him?
Okay, doggie.
You can have the last piece.
Not.
Not gonna get it.
Ho! Aaagh!
Oh, man.
Van Bourke, get after that dog.
What? Okay.
The dog!
That's him, guys. Hide.
What's going on here?
The dog got out of the cage.
How?
We don't know.
Trapped like rats.
No. Zip.
Hello?
Anybody in here?
Ooh, candy.
Anybody under 6 feet tall?
Anybody who isn't traveling
with an adult?
Olly olly oxen free?
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
Hello?
Um, sir?
Huh?
Hi.
Yeah, that dog just took
a dump in the promenade,
and its owner wants
to talk to you.
The nightmare has begun.
Search this room
from top to bottom,
and let me know the minute
you find anybody.
Van Bourke, come with me.
Ah! Ah!
Mr. Porter.
What is this doing here?
Unclaimed.
Get it back to the warehouse.
Uh-oh.
Do I have to do everything
around here?
Oh!
Ah! My candy. Ah!
Oh-ho, gosh!
Let's go get some coffee.
Let's go.
What's the matter?
Charlie is in there.
What? Turn it off.
There's no key.
Charlie!
Why, hello.
Donna, what are you doing?
Come back!
I gotta save him!
It's not so bad in here.
Ah!
Oh, no!
Charli-- Oh!
Whoa.
Whoa!
Help!
Donna!
I hope this is
going someplace nice.
Ow! Oh.
Charlie!
You follow her, okay?
I'll take him.
Got it.
Good.
Aaaagh!
Uh-oh.
I should've gone
to the bathroom.
Help me!
You've gotta be kidding me!
* There was a farmer had a dog
And Bingo was his name-o *
* B-I-N-G-O
B-I-N-G-- *
Oh.
Well, that doesn't sound good.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
That hurt.
Charlie.
Donna, is that you?
Charlie, are you--?
Whoa!
Y--
T-- Um--
Go.
Okay.
N-- Ow!
Agh! Ugh!
I got you, Charlie.
Charlie, are you okay?
I'd be better if you'd get
your knee off my spleen.
Oh, no.
Hang on, Charlie!
Donna, Charlie.
Are you guys okay?
Please tell me you're okay.
Donna? Your knee's in
an even worse place this time.
Oh, thanks.
You guys,
look.
Where are we?
Well, this would be
the unclaimed-baggage warehouse.
I saw this place on TV.
Oh, my gosh.
There's at least
50 years' worth
of unclaimed luggage
in this place.
Please, someone,
tell me it's beautiful.
Hey, Spencer.
Looks like your sister's
not the only one who's gonna
get a good Christmas this year.
Um...
Somebody wanna unzip me?
Oh. Sure.
Sure.
Sorry.
* Newlonsburg, Kingston
All clear, are we goin' *
* To Utica or Syracuse
Rochester or Buffalo? *
* Eerie, Pennsylvania *
* Cleveland on the lakeshore *
Cool.
Sweet.
* Ahhh *
* Straight into Chicago *
* Ow! *
Hyah!
Ew!
Ow!
Ah.
Oh, boy.
* We've been good
But we can't last *
* Hurry, Christmas
Hurry fast *
No! Please don't kill me.
That was a friendly honk, uh,
meant only to respectfully
attract attention.
Oh, hey. Sorry to scare you.
I was just about
to carve a beaver.
Carve a beaver.
Got it. Got it.
Hey, uh, do you guys
sell biodiesel here?
We got regular diesel and
unleaded gas. That's about it.
Unless you want
a statue of Lincoln
carved out
of a telephone pole.
What harm could one tank
of diesel do?
What have I done?
Oh, thank God.
That doesn't look good.
Ah.
Ow.
So, what's the cool things
you found?
Oh. Say hello to my surfboard.
I found a walkie-talkie
family pack.
It has cameras and video screens
inside of them.
Oh, I just took a video
of the inside of my ear
using a penlight
and a macro lens.
Now, who wants to see
my ear canal? Come on.
Ew.
No, thank you.
I'll watch it, then.
Spencer?
Anything you wanna tell us?
Oh, this. It's for my sister.
She loves princesses.
Then why don't you give her
the rich girl over there?
Kidding.
Mmm!
What'd you find?
You know, I have no idea,
but how cool does it look?
Hey, that's
an 8-track tape player.
According to the Massachusetts
8-Track Collector Magazine,
I have the largest collection
of cassettes in the state.
But I don't mean to brag.
Whoa.
This is one of my favorites.
Could this night get any better?
What is he doing?
What are you doing?
* Slinky, it's Slinky
What a wonderful toy *
* It's Slinky, it's Slinky
Fun for a girl and a boy *
Hoffman.
Shut up.
Not now.
Hoffman, I think you should
take a look at this.
This better be goo-od.
Ho, whoa.
What in the sam hill?
Mm.
Whoo.
Ooh, Charles.
Hey. Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, Charles.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look, I saved him,
I'll dance with him.
Okay.
Hey, you let me touch you.
I'm touching you, kid.
Don't get any ideas.
I can still take you down.
Oh.
All right, Kmart,
let's see what you got.
Okay.
You do realize
if you tell anyone
about that photo
you saw in my wallet,
I'll have to kill you.
Right. Lips sealed.
Not-- Not telling
anyone, I swear.
Hm. Good.
Um, it was a nice picture,
though. I liked it.
Ew. Nice try.
No, I mean, I think girls
look really good in glasses.
Not that you don't look good
without them, of course.
I mean, that's not what I meant
at all, you know?
I was a dork.
Hey, join the club.
Doing better PR for you
than your sister.
Are you gonna pass out
or something?
Oh, man. I mean, we gotta go.
You know what, guys?
I mean, we gotta go.
My sister's expecting
Santa's sleigh to arrive soon,
and we don't know
how we're getting to the hotel.
Why do you need a hotel
when you've got a nice concrete
room to go back to?
Run!
- They're on the move.
Don't lose them in here.
Van Bourke, guard the door.
It's Christmas Eve, sir.
Can you just...
leave them alone?
Split up, split up!
We might wanna get off
the main road here.
Grace, come on.
Oh. Dirty.
Okay.
Okay, nobody panic.
Nobody panic.
Nobody panic!
Donna, I have a confession.
I was never a good runner.
I can't even do the running man.
You smart guys
are all the same:
Good on test day,
bad on fight day.
Follow me, men.
Ho-ho.
Watch out for your footing,
guys.
I don't want anyone
falling behind.
There's the door.
You guys, look,
it's the hotel.
Oh, boy.
Move it, moron.
They're escaping out the back.
It's the Hoover
International Lodge.
We need to get down there.
How? You got four snowmobiles?
Ow.
Watch the Winter Olympics?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What are you doing?
We're going to the hotel
to find Spencer's sister.
Way to go. Anything else
you wanna tell him?
Van Dork, I'm afraid
you know too much now.
Ow. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, now go!
Wait, I promise I won't talk.
Please let me out!
Hey! Hey!
Help!
Last one down the hill
is a fired apple.
Ah. Ha-ha!
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A *
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A *
* Santa *
Whoa!
Uh, we seem to be moving
a tad rapidly.
Ah-ow!
Tree! Watch out!
Aaagh!
Ow! Pine needles!
Nice steering, Tex.
Hey!
Uh, I usually like
to try to avoid clichés,
but we've got some company.
More trees!
Take evasive action, boys!
Steer around the trees.
How do we steer?
Aaagh!
You know, if I wasn't
so utterly terrified,
I might be having fun.
Drift!
Mama.
My butt!
Cowabunga! Ha-ha!
Aaagh!
Sweet Jehoshaphat!
Uh-oh.
Look out, he's gonna hit us!
Lean left!
I'm coming, Mr. Porter!
This is all wonderful fun,
but you do realize
the enormous amount of trouble
you're gonna be in
when I catch you, right?
Not if I can help it. Paddle!
Oh, you wanna speed up, huh?
Okay!
Whoa! Wait for me!
Okay, not to be a stick in
the mud, but I have to interject
that we're moving at
a very dangerous rate of speed.
I'd like to second
that interjection!
Just keep paddling
until I say when!
Please tell me you're gonna stop
at the hotel!
Yeah, we are, but you're not!
Hit the brakes!
Hit the brakes!
Whoa!
Unbelievable.
I don't get paid enough
for this!
Holy cow!
Well, this should be
interesting.
Darn.
Van Dork, aren't
you coming with us?
No, you guys do
what you gotta do.
I'm just gonna sit here,
and you know...
throw up for a little bit.
Cool.
Spencer.
Yeah?
Be careful, okay?
You guys are acting like
you had a little too much sugar.
Don't worry, Van Bourke.
We're okay.
Wait up, you guys.
Uh-oh.
Guard cat.
You were a worthy opponent.
Ain't it a little past
your bedtime, there, sonny?
I want a Christmas tree.
What about that little one?
What do I look like,
freakin' Charlie Brown?
This big one's expensive.
You got any money?
Sunday potluck,
don't forget!
All right, partner,
see you there!
You wanna come in
for some eggnog?
Oh, man.
How am I gonna
get to my kids now?
Your kids?
No, sir. No kid should be
alone on Christmas Eve.
Not in an airport.
I really appreciate it.
However I can repay you,
just name it.
Ta-da!
Oh, no.
The mayor dropped it off
for an oil change,
but he's out of town.
You use it to pick up your kids
and head back here.
I'll get you a rental car
in the morning.
I can't drive that thing.
It gets terrible mileage.
I'd loan you my Caddy,
but squirrels ate
through the brake lines.
I'm afraid this
is your only choice.
Depends how much you wanna
see your kids.
Forgive me, brother squirrel.
Oh, man.
I hope the boys in the Sierra
Club don't see me in this.
Thanks.
Okay, so my sister
is in room 424.
We've got like 14 minutes and--
Thirteen.
Okay.
Now I'm mad.
Elevator.
We'll take care of him.
You go get your sister.
Here, take these walkies.
You'll need them.
Don't you kids know
that you're supposed to be
good on Christmas Eve?
Physician, heal thyself!
It's Shakespeare.
Man, you're no end of help
in a fight, are you?
Oh, well.
Maybe next Christmas
will be better than this one.
Sir,
I advise you not to do that.
Punk, watch this.
Thanks for the tip.
Mm-hm.
Oh, perfect.
Now everything hurts.
My contacts are going crazy.
Once a dork...
always a dork.
You are so not a dork.
Kid!
Hey, kid!
Santa's sleigh arrives
in nine minutes.
We gotta find her.
It's time to pluck
your eyebrows.
Is my sister Katherine in there?
Who wants to know?
Her brother wants to know.
Well, I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Let me handle this.
Move!
Aaagh! Aaagh!
Oh, no.
Room service! Room service!
Hey! No! Stop that!
Stop. Stop that.
Everybody open up!
You're gonna get me in trouble!
Uh...
There were some kids
running wild in the hall,
and I was just, uh,
trying to stop them.
It w-wasn't me.
Sounded like you.
They're, heh...
very talented children.
I-I'm just, uh...
gonna go, uh...
f-find the children.
Right now!
Charlie, where are you guys?
Engaged with the enemy.
Taking evasive action.
We think Spencer's sister
is downstairs.
We need you to keep
the coast clear for us.
Roger that.
Donna, time for Han Solo
and the Death Star.
Trust me.
It's a nerd thing.
Aaagh!
You've gotta be kidding me.
Not a Star Wars move.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mm-hm.
No!
Room service. Room Service.
Room service.
Get your free food here.
Now, I-- I know
this looks bad, but...
And now so do you.
Oh, no.
Merry Christmas,
Katherine.
Don't you just
wanna take a picture?
Oh, you're all
in so much trouble.
Just don't wake up my sister,
okay?
Any more requests?
Milk and cookies?
A jail cell with a view?
Uh, Mr. Porter,
now, I know you probably
don't wanna hear this,
but I think
that maybe you should
just let these kids
stay at the hotel.
It's Christmas.
Is that your sage advice,
Van Bourke?
I will take your opinion
into consideration one day
when I actually care
what you think.
Oliver...
as soon as I get these kids
back on their planes,
I quit.
March.
Uh, sir, are you taking us
to the U.M. room?
I would never do that to you
on Christmas morning.
Really?
No.
You'll all be
much happier
here in your own
private rooms.
Private rooms?
Uh, you don't expect me
to let you
stay together and plan your next
assault on me and my airport?
Um, it's "my airport and I."
Hey, get this, Strunk and White,
"me and my airport" is correct.
Dang.
Oh, and by the way,
all those stranded passengers
you saw sleeping
in the gate area?
There are too many of them
and not enough planes leaving.
So I thought since they
followed all the rules,
and since you have such nice,
comfortable rooms to stay in,
that you wouldn't mind if
I bumped you from your flights,
and let them go instead.
Sir.
Don't worry.
You'll be able to leave this
afternoon or by this evening.
Tomorrow for sure.
You can't do that.
As a matter of fact,
it's one of the few things
I can do.
Lock them up.
I'll be in my office watching
your every move on camera.
There'll be guards posted
outside your doors.
If you find your way
out of here,
I'll be the first
to congratulate you
and admit defeat
because you will have
accomplished the impossible.
Good luck.
* Bells will be ringing *
Ouch. Oh.
* The glad, glad news *
* Oh, what a Christmas *
* To have the blues *
* My baby's gone *
* I have no friends *
* To wish me greetings *
* Once again *
Hey, guys.
Thanks for all the help
with my sister.
You know, I'm sorry that...
all your Christmases
have to be ruined
because of me.
We probably won't
see each other again
after our flights leave,
so I just
wanted to say that,
uh, I had a really good time,
and that I think we make
a pretty awesome family.
Maybe the thing is
it's just none of our families
are meant to stay together,
you know? Maybe that's it.
Except for you, Grace.
Actually,
that's not totally true.
I thought your parents
weren't divorced.
Well, not from each other,
but they sort of divorced me.
What do you mean?
They just don't seem
to like it when I'm around.
That's why they travel
all the time.
They're in Paris right now.
So is that where you're going?
No. I'm already home.
I live 20 minutes from here.
I flew in today
from boarding school.
I figured it'd be more fun
hanging out at the airport
than sitting at home
with my nanny.
She wanted Christmas off anyway.
Now I'm really depressed.
You guys have vents
in your ceiling?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then I'm getting us out of here.
Uh, Spencer...
that guy's watching us
on the cameras.
He'll see everything we do.
Not if he doesn't see
what we're doing.
Just go to sleep,
you little monsters.
Okay, phase one finished?
Check.
Check.
Check.
Okay. On to phase two.
What was the worst Christmas
gift you ever got?
That's easy.
My brother Frank gave me
the same Christmas present
for 14 years.
Hated it.
Wh-what was it?
Punch in the head.
Ready? Go.
What the...?
Stupid cheap cameras.
Doesn't get any better
than this.
Oh, we're supposed
to take away chairs.
Okay?
I win!
Can I say something to you?
What?
Who needs Hawaii?
What?!
Donna? Are you okay?
It's really small in here.
I know. It's great, isn't it?
Charlie,
just because you compensate
for your abandonment issues
by squeezing into small,
womb-like spaces, doesn't
mean everybody else does.
What?
My mom's a psychologist.
Donna, I won't let anything
happen to you.
I promise.
Thanks.
Oh, Charlie,
you didn't.
Sorry, I get nervous.
I had a hot dog
when I got off the plane.
Oh, Charlie.
Yeah,
can we hold all of those
until we're out
of the confined space, please?
Will do.
Where are you going?
The food court's this way.
Trust me. A few hundred yards,
and I'll be--
Charlie!
Charlie, please
tell me you're okay.
Hey, Donna. I told you
I'd get you out of there.
Whoa.
This is where Mr. Porter
put all the Christmas
decorations.
Hey, hey!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Check the rooms,
you idiots.
Does this mean we can,
uh, go on break?
All clear.
Whoa.
I don't think any planes
are gonna be flying today.
Nope.
Looks like we'll be spending
another day together.
Sounds good to me.
Is that?
Oh, my gosh.
Man.
Wasn't easy getting
this through security.
Huh.
It's Christmas.
You know what, guys?
I've got an idea.
Let's do this.
* Santa is coming tonight *
* And I wanna car
And I wanna life *
* And I wanna first-class trip
To Hawaii *
And then I said,
"That is my food."
Donna,
how did you get here?
Van Bourke...
we need your help.
* It's Christmas *
* And I want everything *
I need a list of all the kids
traveling with families,
and all the passengers
traveling by themselves.
Okay, this one's mine
and that one's yours. Okay?
Back here at 7 a.m.?
* And I can't wait *
Oh, one more thing.
Feliz Navidad.
* Can't wait for Christmas *
* 'Cause now it's Christmas *
* 'Cause now it's Christmas *
I guess I owe you
a congratulations.
As promised.
Who trained you kids,
the Navy SEALs?
Look, sir, just...
divorce kids
are more resourceful
than others. That's all.
Any chance you can tell me
what you're up to now?
Something nice. You know,
nothing bad. I promise.
Any chance of you trusting me
and not locking us up again?
I was just doing my job.
You do know that, right?
Just like I've just
been doing my job
every Christmas
for the past 15 years.
Bet your family hates it
that you work on Christmas.
Not much of a problem....
since my wife left
five Christmases ago.
That why you don't put up
the decorations?
Well, let's just say they don't
remind me of happy times.
We were just, you know,
trying to have a Christmas.
We thought you'd care.
Why would I care?
This is an airport.
You're passengers.
So?
So...
passengers leave.
There's one thing
I don't get.
I bump you off your planes,
and I keep you
from your families at Christmas.
Why do you guys seem almost...
happy?
Because you didn't keep us
from our family.
At least, not our new family.
Right.
Got it.
Mr. Porter.
We got you something.
Sorry we wrecked
your vacation.
Almost there.
Highway mileage,
not city mileage.
Highway mileage, not city--
Oh, come on!
Why?!
I've already filled you up
five times!
How can you drink so much?!
You yellow monster.
Ah!
Ow!
Good morning.
Merry Christmas!
Everybody up.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Merry Christmas, Katherine.
Spencer!
Spencer, Spencer.
Oh, whoa, hi.
Spencer,
look what Santa brought me.
And he even brought back
Sir Poops-A-Lot.
Santa's a nice guy, huh?
Uh-huh.
Santa came back.
It's... Santa.
Oh!
Who is that?
I thought you knew.
Ho, ho, ho!
I hope you've all been
good little boys and girls.
Ho, ho, ho.
Okay. Okay. Stay with me.
Yes.
Santa.
Get me a chair, you idiot.
Ho, ho, ho!
Here you go,
Santa, sir.
Yes. Ho, ho. Thank you.
Ho, ho, ho!
I'm looking for Owen Marks.
I'm Owen Marks.
Well...
merry Christmas,
Owen Marks!
Thanks, Santa.
Oh, you're welcome, Owen.
Merry Christmas.
You're not, like, gonna be
scared of him now, are you?
Not after the night
I just had.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait for me.
Wait for me.
I wanna help.
I wanna help.
Merry Christmas.
All right, Merry Christmas.
Ow.
Man, I'm glad you guys
already have a Santa Claus.
There was a dead mouse
in my costume.
Dad?
Daddy!
Daddy!
Merry Christmas, pumpkin!
Y-you drove from Pennsylvania
for us?
Of course I did, Spence.
I'm your dad.
Th-through a blizzard?
In-- In your car?
Yeah, actually, I, um...
I drove a Humvee.
A Hummer.
Shh-shh-shh.
You drove a Hummer
from Pennsylvania
in a blizzard just to see us.
Yeah. But, hey, let's just talk
about happy things, shall we?
I take back everything
I ever said about you.
Wait, what--? What kind
of things did you say about me?
Alan Davies.
Um...
I'm...
Actually, it's--
Sorry, I'm 36.
You're at an airport alone
on Christmas morning,
aren't you?
Yeah, Santa, I am.
Well, Alan, come on over
and get your present
from Santa!
Wow.
Awesome. I'd love a present.
Ooh,
a basketball.
Oh, I love
basketball!
Check this out.
I used to be an all-star.
Hey, can you throw that back?
But before I do,
I just wanna thank
my friends over there
for setting all this up.
If they actually worked
for Santa,
they'd be fired so fast
their heads would spin.
But they did a wonderful job
here this morning.
And since they did,
I want them to know
that they'll be flying out of
here first thing this morning.
Merry Christmas!
You're friends with Santa?
Yeah.
I guess I am.
Hi.
Do you like dolls?
I don't know.
Not as much
as I used to, I guess.
I am 12, you know.
Did you know that I found
that Christmas tree?
You did? How?
Lemme tell you a little story
about a man called Beef.
Okay.
It all started
on a cold, stormy night.
Me and Aquaman started
trudging through the snow.
Yeah. Yeah, Mom.
We're fine.
It turned out
that it wasn't
such a bad night
after all, you know?
In fact it was, uh...
It was actually pretty great.
So, uh...
Yeah, I'll--I'll call again
when I get to Dad's house.
Oh.
Mom?
Uh, I, uh...
I love you.
Her name
is Lady Sleeps-A-Lot.
Oh.
Oh, Val,
what's wrong?
Oh, my gosh.
Are the kids okay?
Honey?
It's Spencer.
Well, is he all right?
He said...
that he loved me.
Oh, criminy, Val.
You need to start dating more.
Do you know
how ridiculous you look?
Really.
So...
it's all right
if I call you sometime?
Why do you think I gave you
my phone number, goofball?
It was nice
meeting you, Donna.
You're a very
special young lady.
Wow!
Man, you're so hot!
Yeah, I know.
Whew!
Other side.
The middle.
Down low.
Too slow.
I should've noticed
'cause "too slow"
rhymes with "down low."
Why didn't I see that coming?
Well, hope you have
a nice Christmas.
How could I not?
Got the whole place
to myself.
More... fruitcake
and eggnog for me.
Yeah, y-you know...
I was sort of thinking.
Maybe if-- If you don't
wanna go home quite yet,
you know,
maybe you could, uh,
I don't know, spend--
Spend Christmas with, uh,
my dad and my sister and...
me.
Took you long enough,
noodle-head.
Come on.
Oh, hey. You guys have
any money for gas? I, uh...
kind of maxed out my cards
on the way here.
* Remember last year
When you were on your own *
* You swore the spirit
Couldn't be found *
* December rolled around *
* And you were countin' on it
To roll out *
* But everything's gonna be
Cool this Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Well, everybody's waitin'
For you down at the house *
* The tree is lookin'
So inspired *
* There's a Yuletide groove
Waitin' for you to move *
* I'll go and throw another log
On the fire *
* But everything's gonna be
Cool this Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* As days go by
The more we need friends *
* And the harder
They are to find *
* If I could have a friend
Like you in my life *
* Then I guess I'd be
Doing just fine *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A *
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
Ho, ho, ho!
I believed in Santa Claus *
* Though I knew it was my dad *
* And I would hang up
My stocking at Christmas... *
Whoo! Santa.
The big man himself.
Now, Charlie,
you're gonna be okay
this year, right?
Never been better,
Dad.
Ho-ho-ho!
Who do we have here?
You're up.
Whoo! Santa.
I can't believe
it's really you.
It's all right, everybody.
Happens every year.
* Give all the toys
To the little rich boys... *
Okay, go.
Prove it.
Okay.
* Don't give my sister
A cuddly toy *
* We don't want a jigsaw
Or Monopoly money... *
Santa,
my friends and I have a bet.
About what?
I was right! You're hot!
You guys owe me a soy half-caf
with a mocha shot!
Can you get me
a discount?
* Don't mess around
With those silly toys *
* But give my daddy a job
'Cause he needs one *
* He's got a lot of mouths
To feed... *
Mom, I'm 11!
I'll look
like a loser
getting my picture
with Santa.
Okay, you'll look like someone
who's grounded if you don't.
Now go sit
on Santa's lap.
Go.
* Father Christmas
Give us some money... *
Agh!
Hands off, fat boy!
* We'll beat you up
If you don't hand it over *
* We want your bread
So don't make us annoyed *
Ho-ho-ho!
* Give all the toys *
* To the little rich boys... *
I don't wanna
see Santa!
You know what,
then let's just go.
I don't wanna go!
Then get on Santa's lap.
I don't wanna!
Ho-ho-ho!
Somebody's not being
a very good girl.
I might have to put coal
in your stocking this year.
Nice work. Did they send you
to school for that?
Okay...
Look, Katherine,
nothing's gonna happen. See?
Everything's okay.
Oh, my God!
That dorky kid
from the AV squad
is getting his picture
taken with Santa.
* Give all the toys
To the little rich boys *
* Have yourself a merry
Merry Christmas *
* Have yourself
A good time *
Ugh! Why do we have to spend
Christmas with Dad, anyway?
I mean, he's just gonna be
working the whole time.
Honey, I know that
this is all hard on you,
but you are the man
of the family now,
and your sister
is counting on you
to make this
a good Christmas for her.
Honey, please,
just take care of her.
Oh, excuse me.
Um, my children are
traveling without me,
and they told me
that I should--
I got two unaccompanied minors!
Welcome to the friendly skies,
underage travelers.
Hey, look what we have here.
The wings. And wings for you.
All right, let's go experience
the wonders of flight.
Mm, okay...
While we're young.
Yes. We have to walk.
Uh...
There you go.
It's happening.
Uh, oh...
I love you, Katie.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, Spencer.
Please focus.
Eh...
Um... Uh...
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to
Hoover International Airport.
How come we're not
in Pennsylvania?
We have
to change planes.
But I liked our plane.
Hey, so, uh, you guys
are the Davenports, right?
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
All right, well,
my name is Zach,
and I'll be taking care of you
during your layover.
And give me five!
Ha!
Follow me this way.
Ow! Man.
Where are all
the Christmas decorations?
Well, our boss doesn't really
like Christmas,
so he locked all the decorations
away somewhere.
But he did let us
put up a few things.
For example, um...
Do you see that over there?
That green thing
is a Christmas tree,
and those red thingies
are holly.
It doesn't feel
like Christmas.
Yeah, I kind of agree
with you.
But, uh, that's the way
Mr. Porter wanted it.
Huh.
Who's Mr. Porter?
He's the head
of Passenger Relations.
And, uh,
between you and me,
I don't really think
he likes passengers,
or holidays, really.
He sounds mean.
Yeah. It really depends
on what mood he's in.
Smell the air, Hoffman.
Do you know what that is?
Cinnabons, Mr. Porter?
Freedom.
It's my first Christmas off
in 15 years.
Just me,
a Hawaiian resort,
and no complaining
passengers to deal with.
You know the one
who'll be complaining now?
Me, and I'll be complaining
about everything.
And they'll just have
to stand there and listen to me
because it's their job,
not mine.
Sounds like fun, sir.
Oh,
it's more than fun.
It's my vacation.
Well,
aloha, suckers.
Aloha. All flights to Hawaii
have been canceled
due to heavy snow.
We apologize
for any inconvenience.
And Merry Christmas to me.
Twenty inches of snow
have fallen--
This is easily
the storm of the cent--
Worst blizzard we've--
Ten-foot drifts--
And then after Christmas,
head up
to Hoover International Airport
for the first-ever unclaimed
baggage warehouse sale.
You never know
what you might find.
Clothes, toys, electronics.
If someone's lost it,
you can buy it.
Oh, no, did you bite
your tongue again?
When I wrote Santa,
I forgot to tell him
that we were gonna be
at Dad's house,
all the way in Pennsylvania.
How is he gonna find us now?
Oh, you mean that Santa guy
that you're scared of? Him?
I mean, he--
He's not even gonna--
He'll find you.
The tooth fairy
gave him directions.
She works with NORAD.
Spencer, NORAD says that
Santa's gonna be
at this airport at 4:29.
So that means
if we lived here,
Santa would bring me
my new doll at 4:30.
Mm-hm.
- Um, guys.
We have a problem.
Attention, passengers.
All flights out
of Hoover Airport
have been suspended
until further notice,
due to blizzard conditions.
The weather service
is forecasting heavy snow
and high winds
until tomorrow morning,
with a chance of continued
storm activity...
You're killing me, man.
I gotta get out of here!
...we apologize
for any inconvenience.
Uh, where are we going?
Somewhere really fun.
Are we going to prison?
No, we're going to have fun
with all the other kids
who are flying by themselves.
Welcome to
the Unaccompanied Minors Room.
Hello!
Oh, man. It's like
Lord of the Flies in here.
Help us!
Zach, we're flight attendants,
not riot police.
You've got to find
someone else to take over.
You guys, there is no one else.
The storm is huge.
Just think of it
like being in the air.
With the normal passenger load
and secure all the exits
and discourage anybody
from going to the restroom.
Uh...
Oh, come on, you guys!
Have fun, Zach!
Where's your Christmas spirit?
I mean, look at them,
they're so cute.
I don't think Santa's gonna
find us in here.
* He's a rootin'
Tootin' Santa Claus *
* Ridin' reindeer
Through the skies... *
Hm, I think I bought
defective M&M's.
You know,
some of these are W's.
Oh, come on, Val,
lighten up, you know?
It's Christm-- I know that
you're worried about the kids.
They're gonna be fine.
It's Christmas Eve,
you know.
We're gonna do
more decorating--
No, no. Judy, you don't have
any more decorating to do.
Yes, I have to finish.
I have six more boxes
of lights in the garage.
This is creepy.
You're just poisonous,
aren't you?
Thanks for being
such a great sister.
The weather service is calling
it the Storm of the Century.
It's gotta be
the biggest blizzard
to hit the middle
of the country in decades.
I mean, we're talking nasty.
It's already grounded
all flights
in and out of the Midwest--
Oh, no! The kids!
Can we change planes now?
- Come on, let's go!
- Let's go!
Okay, yeah, I can do this.
All right. Kids love me.
I'm all right.
I'm good, I'm good.
Excuse me, sir?
Hey!
Didn't I tell you
this was gonna be fun?
Look at how many kids
are here, man.
Get us out of here. Okay?
Eww!
Now, why would you want
to do that?
It's great down here.
Look, watch this.
Hey, can I get-- Can I get
your guys' attention please?
Okay-- Ow!
All right, accidents happen.
Oh, all right...
That one was full!
Ow! Straw in the eye.
Straw in the eye.
Santa's watching!
He's not very happy about this!
He's not going to come
to your house!
Amateurs.
I bet he's psycho.
I heard he tore a kid
in half once.
Go poke him.
No, you go poke him.
We could call Mom.
Yeah, well,
she wouldn't drive
2000 miles
to pick us up.
Then let's call Dad.
Oh, yeah, he wouldn't drive
four feet to get us.
Pardon me, but do your parents
happen to be divorced?
What?
I'm Charlie Goldfinch,
and I'm conducting a poll
about flying solo
this time of year.
Being divorced
is number one so far.
Being Jewish and visiting
your grandparents is second.
And then there are
the rich kids.
They're not statistically
significant.
Oh, burn!
Good times, you guys.
All right.
Okay.
Her name's Grace Conrad.
I admire your taste.
She's way out of your league,
but if you talk to her,
I'll admire your pluck.
So, what about you two?
Divorce or Judaism?
It's really none
of your business.
Divorce? Me too.
Polls are a great way to learn
about your fellow man.
Thank you for your time.
This place is weird.
It could be worse.
Okay, Simon says
flush your cell phone.
Is this bathroom out of order?
Uh, no.
Uh, no.
Must escape the sound
of running water.
Read 'em and weep, boys.
Oh, man.
I'm already out,
like, 100 bucks.
Ah. Texas Hold 'Em.
Excellent game.
What, you play?
Only all the time.
No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.
I mean, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
I play all the time,
and I win.
We think she's adopted.
You're adopted, underpants!
Underpants.
Nice jacket.
Abercrombie?
Please. It's Dior.
Why? Is yours from A & F?
Our mom bought it
for him at Kmart.
Yeah, I-I got to take her
to get some food, you know?
Her blood sugar is low,
right?
No, I wanna watch them
play cards, noodle-head!
Yeah.
Let her watch,
noodle-head.
See ya, Kmart.
Deal me in.
You want your dolly back,
you big baby?
You're gonna cry, huh?
Wah, wah.
Hey, guys, check this out.
Come on, let's go.
It's borderline urgent now,
sir.
I cannot let you leave
without an attendant.
Why don't you wait
for Maintenance to fix it?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Ay, caramba!
Juice box in my back.
I am laying
on a juice box. Ow!
Sometimes I see my brother
kissing his hand
in his bedroom like this.
Awkward.
Did the door just open?
I know the door just opened.
I can feel fresh air.
Come on, let's get him!
Someone's walking out.
Morons.
You can't leave the room
without an attendant.
Where are you going?
Out.
But... Ugh!
This goes against
everything I believe in,
but I gotta pee!
Wait, who's going to pee? Ow!
Hey, keep the door closed!
Who's walking out?
Ow! You better get up, man.
Oh!
* Bells on something or other *
Uh...
* Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho *
Oh, no.
Oh, you worry me, honey.
You worry me.
I gotta call Sam.
Val, please.
Why don't you relax?
I know exactly what you need.
A nice, steaming cup
of my wonderful hot chocolate.
Oh, God,
I've had three already.
And it's 80 degrees
outside!
Are you trying
to kill me?
Well...
Uh, no.
Judy, my children are trapped
in an airport on Christmas Eve.
Do you have any idea
how miserable they must be?
* Joy to the world *
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Finally! Yeow!
Where's that kid
who had to pee?
Sam Davenport,
Clean Earth Society.
Hi, Sam, it's Val.
Oh, hey, Val.
Yeah, I'm heading to the airport
right now to pick up the kids.
You're not gonna be able to.
What?
They're not gonna
be able to fly in!
Val, Val, calm down.
There's a blizzard--
It's not snowing out.
Yes, it is.
Oh.
Well, are you sure
their flight's canceled?
Would Al Roker make that up?
No, no. I guess Al Roker
wouldn't lie.
Val, I'm gonna drive
all night to get them.
And don't make that face.
I would like a table for one
in the no-little-sisters
section, please.
Aren't you a little young
to be flying by yourself?
Not at all.
No. No kids' menu.
No, no, no, no.
No crayons either.
Welcome to the High Flyer's
Club, Miss Conrad.
Thank you.
Ooh, gadgets.
Hm...
Bingo.
Yes.
Cheese. Condiments.
Caviar.
Nachos. Oh, my mom
never lets me eat those.
So an order of those.
She's banned all sodas
from the house,
so extra-, extra-,
extra-large root beer.
My mom never let me
eat mozzarella sticks.
Mine either. Two orders.
On to dessert, huh?
You don't have a tapeworm,
do you?
Oh! Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Aah!
Travel is so exhausting,
don't you think, girls?
Left, left. Yes.
* Jingle bells
Jingle all the way *
How are you?
* Oh, what fun it is to ride *
* In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey! *
Take it, backup singers!
Sweet Jehoshaphat.
He did it.
Freeze!
Freeze! Hey!
Excuse me,
are you unaccompanied?
I'm single. Who's asking?
They are.
Are you gonna let me
get dressed,
or should I just
walk out of here naked?
Whew!
Okay, airport food's
that much, huh?
I am so gonna kill you.
It was good service.
Yep.
It seemed like he would--
Oh, you have got
to be kidding me.
He didn't even eat
the mozzarella sticks.
Eat my dust!
- Stop it, kid.
Look out!
Get her!
Coming through!
Security 5,
I have an unattended vehicle
outside here.
Hi.
Um, officer...
I-I think you're doing
a great job.
Both of you.
- Hey, kid, hop in!
I don't normally do this,
officers. Sorry!
Uh-oh.
Hey, bro. Hi, Mom, Dad.
You guys,
this vacation was awesome.
I just wanna thank you.
Grace?
- There they are!
You. Wait for me!
- Stop!
Oh, man, Harvard's never gonna
accept me with a police record.
And I'm not going to community college.
Charlie?
What are you guys doing?
That's an official--
- Get 'em!
- Let's get 'em!
I've always wanted to do this.
Go!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Uh, Charlie, you might
wanna get on the cart.
Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Oh, this is a bad idea!
Ah.
Ooh.
Nicely done.
When did you get here?!
Mm-mm.
I get the feeling we are going
to be in huge trouble.
Not with me
behind the wheel. Hang on!
Right turn!
Well, that was fun.
Welcome home.
Where are my friends?
Oh, man.
Where's my sister?
They went where
all the good little boys
and girls go for Christmas.
They went somewhere nice.
Where, you ask?
Why, the comfortable
and festive
Hoover International Lodge.
Which is just
a few thousand yards
down from this
delightful little room,
which now smells like
a horse died in it.
Oh, so we're going
to the lodge?
Uh...
I think I have an answer
to your question.
Are you out of your
juice-drinking little minds?!
The roads are blocked
because there is a little thing
called a blizzard
going on.
That's when the sky opens up
and lots of snow falls
and makes it hard for people
to do things.
Like fly to Hawaii,
for instance.
Who's going to Hawaii?
Not me.
Not anymore.
Uh, sir, I gotta
get down to my sister.
She's gonna be freaked
without me.
Will she be freaked?
You know, I'm betting
she's gonna be stoked
that people
are taking care of her,
and she doesn't have to wait
around for her brother,
who abandoned her.
So where are we staying?
What's wrong
with right here?
It smells like a horse
died in it.
Well, that's exactly
the kind of place
I thought a bunch of juvenile
delinquents would love to stay.
Hey.
Watch it, Dr. Evil.
Oh, no, did I offend you?
Well, I don't know what else
to call someone
who commits grand theft auto,
reckless driving,
and destruction of property
all in the course of 10 minutes.
Someone cooler
than you'll ever be.
Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Whoo, that's fantastic.
I didn't know we had
Ellen DeGeneres in the house.
And what about a young man
who orders the heart-attack
special and can't pay for it?
Or a girl who exfoliates herself
all over the airport lounge?
Then,
the abominable snowman
who transforms
the Emergency Equipment Center
into his own
private amusement park
and then blames it
on Aquaman?
Aren't you a little too old
to be playing with dolls?
I mean,
what are you, like 40?
Uh, actually, Beef's 12, sir.
Good Lord.
And Charlie Goldfinch,
my most frequent
underage flyer.
And formerly
model passenger.
Karaoke, son?
Was it worth it?
I had a song in my heart.
Oh, my gosh, I'm a juvie.
Uh-huh.
I think you can all see
that I have
a very compelling case
to keep you here in the U.M.
on Christmas Eve.
But, um...
who's gonna
take care of them?
You are, Van Bourke.
And unless you enjoy
unemployment,
you'll make sure they don't
get out of this room again.
Aaah!
Ho-ho-ho!
The phone lines at the airport
are still down.
Just call Spencer's cell phone.
Huh? Why don't you do that?
Sam talked me out
of getting him one.
He said millions of them were
polluting landfills already.
He's never gonna make it
from Pennsylvania to get them.
There's just no way.
He doesn't even have a real car!
You married a guy
with a vegetable car.
This is good. This is good!
Me and you on the roads.
Two guys.
I don't imagine
there are gonna be many
biodiesel depots
open on Christmas Eve,
so I've packed you
a little holiday meal.
I hope you like vegetarian.
I hope you like vegetarian.
Katherine can't have Christmas
morning without Santa Claus.
Let's go.
Road trip!
* Silver bells *
* Silver bells *
* It's Christmastime
In the city... *
I got the last rooms.
We'll have to pack
the sky brats in like sardines.
I wanna go home. I don't wanna
get packed in like a sardine.
Santa's never gonna
find me here.
I didn't understand
a word of that.
So, little girl,
how would you like to stay
with Mary Lynn and me?
Who's Mary Lynn?
Only the world's sweetest
sweetie pie, that's who.
Hi. I'm Mary Lynn.
We're gonna have
loads of fun together.
Okay. You listen,
and you listen good.
I've never had a little sister,
so you're gonna be my test run.
I am going to braid your hair,
little girl.
And even if you try to say no,
you'll face the consequences.
Get it? Got it? Good!
So there is some good news.
Your cots are ready.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
This is so not the Christmas
I had in mind.
Oh, poor baby.
I bet you have nice Christmases,
don't you, rich kid?
Where does your family go?
Paris? London? Fiji?
Please. Fiji's a zoo
this time of year.
We go skiing in Utah.
Are your folks
still together?
Yeah.
Then I hate you.
I'm not wild
about you either.
Well, I love Christmas.
And I'm Jewish.
My mom's boyfriend says
that Christmas is when
Frosty the Snowman
fights with the devil.
It talks.
I'm getting out of here.
What are you talking about?
I need to get to my sister
down at the hotel.
She's expecting Santa's sleigh
to get there at 4:30 a.m.
and if I don't get down there,
she's gonna think
Santa forgot her.
And I can't let that happen.
So who's with me?
I got an idea.
This is not gonna work.
This is so junior high.
I know.
It's cool, isn't it?
Attention, Zach Van Bourke.
Please report
to the Information Desk.
You're wanted
at the Information Desk.
Oh.
All right, guys.
Well, I'll be right back.
You guys stay. Please.
Great plan, Kmart.
Really thought that one out.
That was only part
of the plan.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm here.
Yeah.
You know what? It's been
really cool hanging out.
But I'm gonna go back
to the book.
I'm Zach Van Bourke.
You paged me?
Oh. Yeah.
You got a phone message
from some kids.
I do?
Yeah. They said:
"Goodbye."
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
You're right.
That was so junior high.
Operation Save Christmas
is a go.
Looking good, baby,
looking good!
Who needs four-wheel drive
when you've got
the power of clean?
Hey! Get out of the way,
grandma!
Fossil-fuel junkie.
Gasoholic.
Enjoy the hangover!
I wonder where the fire is.
Oh, doesn't she look
just darling?
Excuse me, lady.
Uh, I need to be at--
I need to get it--
I need to be at a chimney
at 4:30
because I need to meet Santa.
Girls? The pilots are down
in the restaurant,
and they wanna buy us dinner.
Captain Cohen's down there?
Never too late
for a fifth husband.
Let's go, girls!
The kids.
Don't worry, ma'am,
I'm a certified babysitter.
I get paid 50 cents an hour.
Mary Lynn, there's a 20
in this for you.
Captain Cohen, here I come.
Oh, no, you don't.
You are not going anywhere
because I am going
to give you a makeover.
An extreme makeover.
They're children!
Don't tell me
you can't find them.
They're little tiny people.
Get back.
Do you know what the word
"security" means? Huh?
From the Latin, securitas?
As in "secure the building
from children running amuck."
Mr. Porter,
as long as they're in
the airport they're safe.
If you chase them, it's--
It's just-- It's just
gonna make things worse.
Oh, yeah. That's right,
Van Bourke.
That would be much more tragic
than me getting fired.
Now, you help me find
those kids,
or I'm gonna lock you
in the U.M. Room all night.
How do you like them apples?
Oh, my gosh, we're fugitives.
Shut up.
What'd they do,
call out the National Guard?
If you get me sent back
to that room, you're dead.
What are you gonna do,
rich girl?
Have your daddy hire a hit man?
Maybe I'll just have him
break your dad out of jail.
Mm.
Girl fight. Girl fight.
Oh, my gosh, it's a girl fight.
No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.
Please, no, no, no.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I saw this on cable once,
but then my dad blocked
the channel.
Oh, 'tis the season to be j--
That's gonna hurt when I pee.
Oh, my gosh. Kid, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Look, I-I'm really sorry.
I just-- I just don't like
being touched, okay?
Got it. Won't happen again.
You know what, guys?
If we are ever gonna get down
to that hotel,
we have to be a team.
You know, we have to--
We have to think like a team.
We have to act like a team,
we have to talk like a team.
We have to walk like a team,
fight like a team
and be like a team
because we are the U.M. Team.
Yeah. What do we do first?
I'll get your sister
a Christmas tree.
We're never gonna see him again,
are we?
Probably not.
Okay, if I may interject.
If we wanna get out
of this airport,
our best bet would be
the lower level,
northeast corner,
behind the baggage claim.
Security's thin
at this time of night.
And how do you know that?
I fly out of Hoover
International every week.
There.
Now it's time
to brush your teeth.
I'm not a doll, Mary Lynn.
No.
You're way better.
You can talk.
And I don't even
have to pull a stupid string.
Now open up.
But, Mary Lynn,
I already brushed my teeth.
Did you tell the kids
I was coming to get them?
No.
Why not?
Because Spencer doesn't
have a cell phone, remember?
Besides, I didn't want the kids
getting their hopes up
in case your car
doesn't make it there.
Hey, the biomobile rocks,
okay?
And besides, I have enough fuel
in the back seat
to get me to Florida and back
if I wanted to.
Well, I hope you're not talking
on one of those roadside
pay phones.
I read that all kinds
of freak accidents
happen there
by the shoulder.
Wait, wait. Oh. Honey.
You have to stop reading
those dumb tabloids, okay?
You know
they make those stories up.
Aagh!
Aagh!
Oh, boy.
Tell you what, Zooey,
you gotta toughen this kid up.
Oh, Ernie. Beef's only 12.
Twelve. Exactly.
He still plays with a doll.
You seen the kids
that pick on him?
He should be eating them
for breakfast.
Ah, it's your
ex-husband's fault.
Ninny.
Tell you what,
if it was up to me,
I'd drop this kid
in the middle of the woods,
give him a knife
and a book of matches.
Let him find his way home.
That's the way my old man
did it to me.
Men are made, not born.
Merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho!
Take me with you, Santa.
Aquaman...
men are made,
not born.
My deal.
Mr. Yakamora.
Hey, big dog.
Are you hungry? Yeah.
Okay. So the exit we're looking
for is right behind that door.
We need a distraction.
Something to get them
away from there.
No Christmas dinner
for you, Cujo.
Keep barking.
Think we just
found it.
Okay, kids.
Let's follow
your crumbs.
- It's almost gone.
- Forget the dog.
Come on, keep dealing.
We only got about
a half-hour for lunch.
So this guy gives me his bag.
It was so heavy...
Hey, man. Why don't you share
your lunch with him?
Okay, doggie.
You can have the last piece.
Not.
Not gonna get it.
Ho! Aaagh!
Oh, man.
Van Bourke, get after that dog.
What? Okay.
The dog!
That's him, guys. Hide.
What's going on here?
The dog got out of the cage.
How?
We don't know.
Trapped like rats.
No. Zip.
Hello?
Anybody in here?
Ooh, candy.
Anybody under 6 feet tall?
Anybody who isn't traveling
with an adult?
Olly olly oxen free?
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
Hello?
Um, sir?
Huh?
Hi.
Yeah, that dog just took
a dump in the promenade,
and its owner wants
to talk to you.
The nightmare has begun.
Search this room
from top to bottom,
and let me know the minute
you find anybody.
Van Bourke, come with me.
Ah! Ah!
Mr. Porter.
What is this doing here?
Unclaimed.
Get it back to the warehouse.
Uh-oh.
Do I have to do everything
around here?
Oh!
Ah! My candy. Ah!
Oh-ho, gosh!
Let's go get some coffee.
Let's go.
What's the matter?
Charlie is in there.
What? Turn it off.
There's no key.
Charlie!
Why, hello.
Donna, what are you doing?
Come back!
I gotta save him!
It's not so bad in here.
Ah!
Oh, no!
Charli-- Oh!
Whoa.
Whoa!
Help!
Donna!
I hope this is
going someplace nice.
Ow! Oh.
Charlie!
You follow her, okay?
I'll take him.
Got it.
Good.
Aaaagh!
Uh-oh.
I should've gone
to the bathroom.
Help me!
You've gotta be kidding me!
* There was a farmer had a dog
And Bingo was his name-o *
* B-I-N-G-O
B-I-N-G-- *
Oh.
Well, that doesn't sound good.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
That hurt.
Charlie.
Donna, is that you?
Charlie, are you--?
Whoa!
Y--
T-- Um--
Go.
Okay.
N-- Ow!
Agh! Ugh!
I got you, Charlie.
Charlie, are you okay?
I'd be better if you'd get
your knee off my spleen.
Oh, no.
Hang on, Charlie!
Donna, Charlie.
Are you guys okay?
Please tell me you're okay.
Donna? Your knee's in
an even worse place this time.
Oh, thanks.
You guys,
look.
Where are we?
Well, this would be
the unclaimed-baggage warehouse.
I saw this place on TV.
Oh, my gosh.
There's at least
50 years' worth
of unclaimed luggage
in this place.
Please, someone,
tell me it's beautiful.
Hey, Spencer.
Looks like your sister's
not the only one who's gonna
get a good Christmas this year.
Um...
Somebody wanna unzip me?
Oh. Sure.
Sure.
Sorry.
* Newlonsburg, Kingston
All clear, are we goin' *
* To Utica or Syracuse
Rochester or Buffalo? *
* Eerie, Pennsylvania *
* Cleveland on the lakeshore *
Cool.
Sweet.
* Ahhh *
* Straight into Chicago *
* Ow! *
Hyah!
Ew!
Ow!
Ah.
Oh, boy.
* We've been good
But we can't last *
* Hurry, Christmas
Hurry fast *
No! Please don't kill me.
That was a friendly honk, uh,
meant only to respectfully
attract attention.
Oh, hey. Sorry to scare you.
I was just about
to carve a beaver.
Carve a beaver.
Got it. Got it.
Hey, uh, do you guys
sell biodiesel here?
We got regular diesel and
unleaded gas. That's about it.
Unless you want
a statue of Lincoln
carved out
of a telephone pole.
What harm could one tank
of diesel do?
What have I done?
Oh, thank God.
That doesn't look good.
Ah.
Ow.
So, what's the cool things
you found?
Oh. Say hello to my surfboard.
I found a walkie-talkie
family pack.
It has cameras and video screens
inside of them.
Oh, I just took a video
of the inside of my ear
using a penlight
and a macro lens.
Now, who wants to see
my ear canal? Come on.
Ew.
No, thank you.
I'll watch it, then.
Spencer?
Anything you wanna tell us?
Oh, this. It's for my sister.
She loves princesses.
Then why don't you give her
the rich girl over there?
Kidding.
Mmm!
What'd you find?
You know, I have no idea,
but how cool does it look?
Hey, that's
an 8-track tape player.
According to the Massachusetts
8-Track Collector Magazine,
I have the largest collection
of cassettes in the state.
But I don't mean to brag.
Whoa.
This is one of my favorites.
Could this night get any better?
What is he doing?
What are you doing?
* Slinky, it's Slinky
What a wonderful toy *
* It's Slinky, it's Slinky
Fun for a girl and a boy *
Hoffman.
Shut up.
Not now.
Hoffman, I think you should
take a look at this.
This better be goo-od.
Ho, whoa.
What in the sam hill?
Mm.
Whoo.
Ooh, Charles.
Hey. Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, Charles.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look, I saved him,
I'll dance with him.
Okay.
Hey, you let me touch you.
I'm touching you, kid.
Don't get any ideas.
I can still take you down.
Oh.
All right, Kmart,
let's see what you got.
Okay.
You do realize
if you tell anyone
about that photo
you saw in my wallet,
I'll have to kill you.
Right. Lips sealed.
Not-- Not telling
anyone, I swear.
Hm. Good.
Um, it was a nice picture,
though. I liked it.
Ew. Nice try.
No, I mean, I think girls
look really good in glasses.
Not that you don't look good
without them, of course.
I mean, that's not what I meant
at all, you know?
I was a dork.
Hey, join the club.
Doing better PR for you
than your sister.
Are you gonna pass out
or something?
Oh, man. I mean, we gotta go.
You know what, guys?
I mean, we gotta go.
My sister's expecting
Santa's sleigh to arrive soon,
and we don't know
how we're getting to the hotel.
Why do you need a hotel
when you've got a nice concrete
room to go back to?
Run!
- They're on the move.
Don't lose them in here.
Van Bourke, guard the door.
It's Christmas Eve, sir.
Can you just...
leave them alone?
Split up, split up!
We might wanna get off
the main road here.
Grace, come on.
Oh. Dirty.
Okay.
Okay, nobody panic.
Nobody panic.
Nobody panic!
Donna, I have a confession.
I was never a good runner.
I can't even do the running man.
You smart guys
are all the same:
Good on test day,
bad on fight day.
Follow me, men.
Ho-ho.
Watch out for your footing,
guys.
I don't want anyone
falling behind.
There's the door.
You guys, look,
it's the hotel.
Oh, boy.
Move it, moron.
They're escaping out the back.
It's the Hoover
International Lodge.
We need to get down there.
How? You got four snowmobiles?
Ow.
Watch the Winter Olympics?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What are you doing?
We're going to the hotel
to find Spencer's sister.
Way to go. Anything else
you wanna tell him?
Van Dork, I'm afraid
you know too much now.
Ow. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, now go!
Wait, I promise I won't talk.
Please let me out!
Hey! Hey!
Help!
Last one down the hill
is a fired apple.
Ah. Ha-ha!
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A *
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A *
* Santa *
Whoa!
Uh, we seem to be moving
a tad rapidly.
Ah-ow!
Tree! Watch out!
Aaagh!
Ow! Pine needles!
Nice steering, Tex.
Hey!
Uh, I usually like
to try to avoid clichés,
but we've got some company.
More trees!
Take evasive action, boys!
Steer around the trees.
How do we steer?
Aaagh!
You know, if I wasn't
so utterly terrified,
I might be having fun.
Drift!
Mama.
My butt!
Cowabunga! Ha-ha!
Aaagh!
Sweet Jehoshaphat!
Uh-oh.
Look out, he's gonna hit us!
Lean left!
I'm coming, Mr. Porter!
This is all wonderful fun,
but you do realize
the enormous amount of trouble
you're gonna be in
when I catch you, right?
Not if I can help it. Paddle!
Oh, you wanna speed up, huh?
Okay!
Whoa! Wait for me!
Okay, not to be a stick in
the mud, but I have to interject
that we're moving at
a very dangerous rate of speed.
I'd like to second
that interjection!
Just keep paddling
until I say when!
Please tell me you're gonna stop
at the hotel!
Yeah, we are, but you're not!
Hit the brakes!
Hit the brakes!
Whoa!
Unbelievable.
I don't get paid enough
for this!
Holy cow!
Well, this should be
interesting.
Darn.
Van Dork, aren't
you coming with us?
No, you guys do
what you gotta do.
I'm just gonna sit here,
and you know...
throw up for a little bit.
Cool.
Spencer.
Yeah?
Be careful, okay?
You guys are acting like
you had a little too much sugar.
Don't worry, Van Bourke.
We're okay.
Wait up, you guys.
Uh-oh.
Guard cat.
You were a worthy opponent.
Ain't it a little past
your bedtime, there, sonny?
I want a Christmas tree.
What about that little one?
What do I look like,
freakin' Charlie Brown?
This big one's expensive.
You got any money?
Sunday potluck,
don't forget!
All right, partner,
see you there!
You wanna come in
for some eggnog?
Oh, man.
How am I gonna
get to my kids now?
Your kids?
No, sir. No kid should be
alone on Christmas Eve.
Not in an airport.
I really appreciate it.
However I can repay you,
just name it.
Ta-da!
Oh, no.
The mayor dropped it off
for an oil change,
but he's out of town.
You use it to pick up your kids
and head back here.
I'll get you a rental car
in the morning.
I can't drive that thing.
It gets terrible mileage.
I'd loan you my Caddy,
but squirrels ate
through the brake lines.
I'm afraid this
is your only choice.
Depends how much you wanna
see your kids.
Forgive me, brother squirrel.
Oh, man.
I hope the boys in the Sierra
Club don't see me in this.
Thanks.
Okay, so my sister
is in room 424.
We've got like 14 minutes and--
Thirteen.
Okay.
Now I'm mad.
Elevator.
We'll take care of him.
You go get your sister.
Here, take these walkies.
You'll need them.
Don't you kids know
that you're supposed to be
good on Christmas Eve?
Physician, heal thyself!
It's Shakespeare.
Man, you're no end of help
in a fight, are you?
Oh, well.
Maybe next Christmas
will be better than this one.
Sir,
I advise you not to do that.
Punk, watch this.
Thanks for the tip.
Mm-hm.
Oh, perfect.
Now everything hurts.
My contacts are going crazy.
Once a dork...
always a dork.
You are so not a dork.
Kid!
Hey, kid!
Santa's sleigh arrives
in nine minutes.
We gotta find her.
It's time to pluck
your eyebrows.
Is my sister Katherine in there?
Who wants to know?
Her brother wants to know.
Well, I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Let me handle this.
Move!
Aaagh! Aaagh!
Oh, no.
Room service! Room service!
Hey! No! Stop that!
Stop. Stop that.
Everybody open up!
You're gonna get me in trouble!
Uh...
There were some kids
running wild in the hall,
and I was just, uh,
trying to stop them.
It w-wasn't me.
Sounded like you.
They're, heh...
very talented children.
I-I'm just, uh...
gonna go, uh...
f-find the children.
Right now!
Charlie, where are you guys?
Engaged with the enemy.
Taking evasive action.
We think Spencer's sister
is downstairs.
We need you to keep
the coast clear for us.
Roger that.
Donna, time for Han Solo
and the Death Star.
Trust me.
It's a nerd thing.
Aaagh!
You've gotta be kidding me.
Not a Star Wars move.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mm-hm.
No!
Room service. Room Service.
Room service.
Get your free food here.
Now, I-- I know
this looks bad, but...
And now so do you.
Oh, no.
Merry Christmas,
Katherine.
Don't you just
wanna take a picture?
Oh, you're all
in so much trouble.
Just don't wake up my sister,
okay?
Any more requests?
Milk and cookies?
A jail cell with a view?
Uh, Mr. Porter,
now, I know you probably
don't wanna hear this,
but I think
that maybe you should
just let these kids
stay at the hotel.
It's Christmas.
Is that your sage advice,
Van Bourke?
I will take your opinion
into consideration one day
when I actually care
what you think.
Oliver...
as soon as I get these kids
back on their planes,
I quit.
March.
Uh, sir, are you taking us
to the U.M. room?
I would never do that to you
on Christmas morning.
Really?
No.
You'll all be
much happier
here in your own
private rooms.
Private rooms?
Uh, you don't expect me
to let you
stay together and plan your next
assault on me and my airport?
Um, it's "my airport and I."
Hey, get this, Strunk and White,
"me and my airport" is correct.
Dang.
Oh, and by the way,
all those stranded passengers
you saw sleeping
in the gate area?
There are too many of them
and not enough planes leaving.
So I thought since they
followed all the rules,
and since you have such nice,
comfortable rooms to stay in,
that you wouldn't mind if
I bumped you from your flights,
and let them go instead.
Sir.
Don't worry.
You'll be able to leave this
afternoon or by this evening.
Tomorrow for sure.
You can't do that.
As a matter of fact,
it's one of the few things
I can do.
Lock them up.
I'll be in my office watching
your every move on camera.
There'll be guards posted
outside your doors.
If you find your way
out of here,
I'll be the first
to congratulate you
and admit defeat
because you will have
accomplished the impossible.
Good luck.
* Bells will be ringing *
Ouch. Oh.
* The glad, glad news *
* Oh, what a Christmas *
* To have the blues *
* My baby's gone *
* I have no friends *
* To wish me greetings *
* Once again *
Hey, guys.
Thanks for all the help
with my sister.
You know, I'm sorry that...
all your Christmases
have to be ruined
because of me.
We probably won't
see each other again
after our flights leave,
so I just
wanted to say that,
uh, I had a really good time,
and that I think we make
a pretty awesome family.
Maybe the thing is
it's just none of our families
are meant to stay together,
you know? Maybe that's it.
Except for you, Grace.
Actually,
that's not totally true.
I thought your parents
weren't divorced.
Well, not from each other,
but they sort of divorced me.
What do you mean?
They just don't seem
to like it when I'm around.
That's why they travel
all the time.
They're in Paris right now.
So is that where you're going?
No. I'm already home.
I live 20 minutes from here.
I flew in today
from boarding school.
I figured it'd be more fun
hanging out at the airport
than sitting at home
with my nanny.
She wanted Christmas off anyway.
Now I'm really depressed.
You guys have vents
in your ceiling?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then I'm getting us out of here.
Uh, Spencer...
that guy's watching us
on the cameras.
He'll see everything we do.
Not if he doesn't see
what we're doing.
Just go to sleep,
you little monsters.
Okay, phase one finished?
Check.
Check.
Check.
Okay. On to phase two.
What was the worst Christmas
gift you ever got?
That's easy.
My brother Frank gave me
the same Christmas present
for 14 years.
Hated it.
Wh-what was it?
Punch in the head.
Ready? Go.
What the...?
Stupid cheap cameras.
Doesn't get any better
than this.
Oh, we're supposed
to take away chairs.
Okay?
I win!
Can I say something to you?
What?
Who needs Hawaii?
What?!
Donna? Are you okay?
It's really small in here.
I know. It's great, isn't it?
Charlie,
just because you compensate
for your abandonment issues
by squeezing into small,
womb-like spaces, doesn't
mean everybody else does.
What?
My mom's a psychologist.
Donna, I won't let anything
happen to you.
I promise.
Thanks.
Oh, Charlie,
you didn't.
Sorry, I get nervous.
I had a hot dog
when I got off the plane.
Oh, Charlie.
Yeah,
can we hold all of those
until we're out
of the confined space, please?
Will do.
Where are you going?
The food court's this way.
Trust me. A few hundred yards,
and I'll be--
Charlie!
Charlie, please
tell me you're okay.
Hey, Donna. I told you
I'd get you out of there.
Whoa.
This is where Mr. Porter
put all the Christmas
decorations.
Hey, hey!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Check the rooms,
you idiots.
Does this mean we can,
uh, go on break?
All clear.
Whoa.
I don't think any planes
are gonna be flying today.
Nope.
Looks like we'll be spending
another day together.
Sounds good to me.
Is that?
Oh, my gosh.
Man.
Wasn't easy getting
this through security.
Huh.
It's Christmas.
You know what, guys?
I've got an idea.
Let's do this.
* Santa is coming tonight *
* And I wanna car
And I wanna life *
* And I wanna first-class trip
To Hawaii *
And then I said,
"That is my food."
Donna,
how did you get here?
Van Bourke...
we need your help.
* It's Christmas *
* And I want everything *
I need a list of all the kids
traveling with families,
and all the passengers
traveling by themselves.
Okay, this one's mine
and that one's yours. Okay?
Back here at 7 a.m.?
* And I can't wait *
Oh, one more thing.
Feliz Navidad.
* Can't wait for Christmas *
* 'Cause now it's Christmas *
* 'Cause now it's Christmas *
I guess I owe you
a congratulations.
As promised.
Who trained you kids,
the Navy SEALs?
Look, sir, just...
divorce kids
are more resourceful
than others. That's all.
Any chance you can tell me
what you're up to now?
Something nice. You know,
nothing bad. I promise.
Any chance of you trusting me
and not locking us up again?
I was just doing my job.
You do know that, right?
Just like I've just
been doing my job
every Christmas
for the past 15 years.
Bet your family hates it
that you work on Christmas.
Not much of a problem....
since my wife left
five Christmases ago.
That why you don't put up
the decorations?
Well, let's just say they don't
remind me of happy times.
We were just, you know,
trying to have a Christmas.
We thought you'd care.
Why would I care?
This is an airport.
You're passengers.
So?
So...
passengers leave.
There's one thing
I don't get.
I bump you off your planes,
and I keep you
from your families at Christmas.
Why do you guys seem almost...
happy?
Because you didn't keep us
from our family.
At least, not our new family.
Right.
Got it.
Mr. Porter.
We got you something.
Sorry we wrecked
your vacation.
Almost there.
Highway mileage,
not city mileage.
Highway mileage, not city--
Oh, come on!
Why?!
I've already filled you up
five times!
How can you drink so much?!
You yellow monster.
Ah!
Ow!
Good morning.
Merry Christmas!
Everybody up.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Merry Christmas, Katherine.
Spencer!
Spencer, Spencer.
Oh, whoa, hi.
Spencer,
look what Santa brought me.
And he even brought back
Sir Poops-A-Lot.
Santa's a nice guy, huh?
Uh-huh.
Santa came back.
It's... Santa.
Oh!
Who is that?
I thought you knew.
Ho, ho, ho!
I hope you've all been
good little boys and girls.
Ho, ho, ho.
Okay. Okay. Stay with me.
Yes.
Santa.
Get me a chair, you idiot.
Ho, ho, ho!
Here you go,
Santa, sir.
Yes. Ho, ho. Thank you.
Ho, ho, ho!
I'm looking for Owen Marks.
I'm Owen Marks.
Well...
merry Christmas,
Owen Marks!
Thanks, Santa.
Oh, you're welcome, Owen.
Merry Christmas.
You're not, like, gonna be
scared of him now, are you?
Not after the night
I just had.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait for me.
Wait for me.
I wanna help.
I wanna help.
Merry Christmas.
All right, Merry Christmas.
Ow.
Man, I'm glad you guys
already have a Santa Claus.
There was a dead mouse
in my costume.
Dad?
Daddy!
Daddy!
Merry Christmas, pumpkin!
Y-you drove from Pennsylvania
for us?
Of course I did, Spence.
I'm your dad.
Th-through a blizzard?
In-- In your car?
Yeah, actually, I, um...
I drove a Humvee.
A Hummer.
Shh-shh-shh.
You drove a Hummer
from Pennsylvania
in a blizzard just to see us.
Yeah. But, hey, let's just talk
about happy things, shall we?
I take back everything
I ever said about you.
Wait, what--? What kind
of things did you say about me?
Alan Davies.
Um...
I'm...
Actually, it's--
Sorry, I'm 36.
You're at an airport alone
on Christmas morning,
aren't you?
Yeah, Santa, I am.
Well, Alan, come on over
and get your present
from Santa!
Wow.
Awesome. I'd love a present.
Ooh,
a basketball.
Oh, I love
basketball!
Check this out.
I used to be an all-star.
Hey, can you throw that back?
But before I do,
I just wanna thank
my friends over there
for setting all this up.
If they actually worked
for Santa,
they'd be fired so fast
their heads would spin.
But they did a wonderful job
here this morning.
And since they did,
I want them to know
that they'll be flying out of
here first thing this morning.
Merry Christmas!
You're friends with Santa?
Yeah.
I guess I am.
Hi.
Do you like dolls?
I don't know.
Not as much
as I used to, I guess.
I am 12, you know.
Did you know that I found
that Christmas tree?
You did? How?
Lemme tell you a little story
about a man called Beef.
Okay.
It all started
on a cold, stormy night.
Me and Aquaman started
trudging through the snow.
Yeah. Yeah, Mom.
We're fine.
It turned out
that it wasn't
such a bad night
after all, you know?
In fact it was, uh...
It was actually pretty great.
So, uh...
Yeah, I'll--I'll call again
when I get to Dad's house.
Oh.
Mom?
Uh, I, uh...
I love you.
Her name
is Lady Sleeps-A-Lot.
Oh.
Oh, Val,
what's wrong?
Oh, my gosh.
Are the kids okay?
Honey?
It's Spencer.
Well, is he all right?
He said...
that he loved me.
Oh, criminy, Val.
You need to start dating more.
Do you know
how ridiculous you look?
Really.
So...
it's all right
if I call you sometime?
Why do you think I gave you
my phone number, goofball?
It was nice
meeting you, Donna.
You're a very
special young lady.
Wow!
Man, you're so hot!
Yeah, I know.
Whew!
Other side.
The middle.
Down low.
Too slow.
I should've noticed
'cause "too slow"
rhymes with "down low."
Why didn't I see that coming?
Well, hope you have
a nice Christmas.
How could I not?
Got the whole place
to myself.
More... fruitcake
and eggnog for me.
Yeah, y-you know...
I was sort of thinking.
Maybe if-- If you don't
wanna go home quite yet,
you know,
maybe you could, uh,
I don't know, spend--
Spend Christmas with, uh,
my dad and my sister and...
me.
Took you long enough,
noodle-head.
Come on.
Oh, hey. You guys have
any money for gas? I, uh...
kind of maxed out my cards
on the way here.
* Remember last year
When you were on your own *
* You swore the spirit
Couldn't be found *
* December rolled around *
* And you were countin' on it
To roll out *
* But everything's gonna be
Cool this Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Well, everybody's waitin'
For you down at the house *
* The tree is lookin'
So inspired *
* There's a Yuletide groove
Waitin' for you to move *
* I'll go and throw another log
On the fire *
* But everything's gonna be
Cool this Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* As days go by
The more we need friends *
* And the harder
They are to find *
* If I could have a friend
Like you in my life *
* Then I guess I'd be
Doing just fine *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A *
* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A
S-A-N-T-A *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
* Santa *
Ho, ho, ho!