Un figlio di nome Erasmus (2019) - full transcript

Four friends in their 40's are summoned to Lisbon for Amalia's funeral. She's left them an unexpected legacy: a child conceived with one of them during an Erasmus study program in Portugal ...

Here is happiness,
slightly blurry.

Out of focus, never perfectly centered.

Happiness is the least
photogenic thing there is,

maybe because when you're happy
there's no time to focus on it.

It was 1999, we were doing
the Erasmus student program in Portugal.

We were young, happy.

We didn't have time to stop and think,

we all got a little distracted
and 20 years have gone by.

He's Ascanio, a mountain guide
for managers in search of inspiration.

In the past he's been many other things,

because Ascanio is an untamed spirit

endlessly searching for his vocation.

A man never dies
as long as he's searching for something.

What are we searching for?

Here, today?

To climb this wall?

This is what we came to do,

but what we want to do
is something else.

We want to create a team.
Stay united. Care for each other.

Exchange a greeting of peace.

This is team building.

United you always win!

But alone... You, what's your name?

- Carlini.
- You will lose!

Wait, don't cry. Is this about the wall?

It's only 30 meters...

But couldn't we have gone
on a cruise, too?

Climb this wall,
or I'll take away your meal vouchers.

I was just saying...

- You took them away already.
- Then take his company cell phone.

- See? It's a question of motivation.
- What motivation...

Come on!

Help me.


He's Jacopo, the smartest of us.

He graduated with honors
and had his thesis published.

Now he works for a humanitarian-focused
multinational, headquartered in Rome.

Come on, he won't stay long.
He's so busy.

I'm tired of eating out by myself.

He's already here.

I go, missus.
Next time clean window.

You should.

God bless you.

I don't like this cleaning woman.

What do you expect for 8 euros an hour?

Thanks, my favorites!

- I've got no time.
- Pressure from higher-ups?

The Highest, little sister.

This is me,
in a very difficult moment of my career.

In 16 years as an architect I've never
had a project this complicated:

the table layout for my wedding.

You will be holding the veil.
Shall we try it?

You dropped it.

But we aren't holding anything!

It's very important!
I'll be right back.


Hi, honey.

My dad spoke with the owner.

He's turning on the fountain
and the water features.

- Great.
- Look!

But didn't they need to restore it?

Already done! You have
to start thinking like a politician.

After all, you're a deputy
of the Republic.

- I haven't been elected yet.
- Details.


Forgive us, for the table linens?

- Periwinkle?
- Mauve?

Or sea blue?


For the love of God, no!
This isn't periwinkle, it's wisteria!

- I told you so.
- It's all the rage this year.

You're asking him? He's colorblind.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.


Here I am.

More importantly, for the music?

- For the music...
- The architect has taken care of it.


- You confirmed a band?
- Yeah, I spoke with Pietro.

- And...?
- He's sending us the Pooh cover band.

How pathetic!

Are you free on the 20th?

Ten minutes at the Madonna
festival in Acquasparta.

For 300 euros. Just like the Madonna:
an apparition and you're gone.

I'll have someone call you with details,
I'm going to the office now.

Pietro is the fourth member
of our group, music is his life.

He tried to be a drummer,
but he'd get distracted

and lose the rhythm.

Today he manages artists.

Look what I'm givin' you.
Quid Management.

Call me, you're good. Quid is Latin.

I'm not gonna explain what it means
'cause it'd take too long, but call me.

- What's up?
- Diarrhea and his girlfriend are here.

No! In my office? Why?

In five minutes buzz me
and say I have an important call.

- How do you know?
- It's just an excuse.

You're so smart!

- What's this stench?
- It's my new perfume.

It has pine marten pheromones,
for coupling.

I get why they're extinct.
You like these?

Enough with that!

The next Sfera n'Pasta! What's up?

The guy's name is Sfera Ebbasta
and he's a freak.

Diarrhea traps for real.

You're my fucking BB Queen!

I adore you, bitch.


It's great your woman
knows about Trap music.

For a couple, shared interests...

Did the Sanremo Festival call?
Am I in? Mommy's counting on it.

I don't know yet, but I'm hopeful.

I'm pumped like a shotgun.
Give me five!

This guy's a jackass.

Your girlfriend's such a delicate flower.

Sorry, I can't figure out how
to change this ringtone...

Let me know.
And take down this poster!

You're always focused on them,
you should be concentrating on me!

They're the best Pooh tribute band ever.

The keyboardist
is better than Facchinetti.

Go fuck yourselves.

You have a call.

- They're gone already.
- For real, from Portugal.

Some guy said that a certain
Mrs. Amal?a Fernandez is dead.


Who was she?
Someone that owed us money?

So? Who was this Amalia?

Nobody, love.
We were friends during college.

Men and women can't be friends.
Not this, right?

If I find out you slept
with her, I'll kill you.

- And then I'll tell my daddy.
- Kill me first.

Come on, we're going to her funeral.

Love, if you are lying,
it will be your funeral...

when you come back.

I told her that
Amalia and I were just friends,

But it wasn't true, she was much more.

She was our shared girlfriend.

We had divided up the days of the week.

Sundays and Wednesdays,
were for concerts, with Pietro.

Ascanio saw her on Tuesdays
and Thursdays for sports activities.

I had Mondays and Fridays,
going to art exhibits and museums.

And Jacopo, obviously,
had Saturday night,

the canonical date night.

In fact, he was the official boyfriend.

And above all, he was convinced
he was the only one.

How could we have told him?

He wouldn't share a towel with us,
let alone a woman.


- Pietro!
- How are you?

Good, you?

- I can't believe it...
- Poor Amalia.

- Do you know how it happened?
- No. I tried to ask, but nothing.

Here's Jacopo.

Jacopo? They made him a cardinal?

Not yet, he's a Vatican bank bigwig,
but don't mention it.

Hi, Jacopo!

Hey, brother.

Looks like you've got quite the career.

I hear you work for the Vatican bank.

I have a talent scout agency,
"Quid Management".

If you need some talent
for a patron saint party, call me.

- Quid, it's Latin, right?
- It's Latin.

Here, take this. You don't want it?

Okay. Shall we go?

No, we have to wait for Ascanio.

You didn't tell me he was coming.

Of course he's coming.
All of us together, just like old times.

You're still upset over your sister?

- Come on, Pietro.
- It's been 15 years.

I'm sure the lawyer
called Ascanio as well.

But what does the lawyer want?

Thanks for the ride!

Carlini, don't worry,
two aspirin and you'll feel better.

What matters isn't falling down,

but getting back up every time.

Go fuck yourself!

So? My bros!

What are you wearing? It's a funeral.

I forgot my tie.

Let's go.

Maria Bethania, Vinicius De Moraes!


Bel?m Tower.

No photos.

I'm taking a photo
of the tower, not of you.

- Mamma mia!
- I thought you wanted a selfie.

This is the 25 de Abril Bridge.

Why April 25?

It is the date
of the Carnation Revolution of 1974.

This is the Monastry of Jeronimos.

- The Native American?
- Yes, Sitting Bull...

Here we are.

Are you sure?
It doesn't look like a lawyer's office.

- Fallitur visio.
- Harry Potter!

No, it's Latin:
appearances can be deceiving.

Behave yourselves.

- Hello... May we?
- Anyone here?

- And that's the lawyer?
- Fuckin' hell!

It's Roman dialect, it means "Oh, Lord".

I've always handled Amalia's affairs.

I was her friend, manager, director...

- Director?
- Of her movies.

We didn't know Amalia
worked in the movie industry.

She changed her name,

she called herself "Sweety Love".

Many movies we filmed
right here, on this estate.

Excuse me, I was her boyfriend.

What exactly did Amalia do?
Production, media relations?

- She was the star.
- Sweety Love.

Lead actress.

I would love to see one of her movies.

- Do you have any with subtitles?
- Of course, I'll get you some.

Thank you!

If it's possible.

Sometimes it's better not to see things.

That's right. She just died,
let her rest in peace.

What's that got to do with it?
We had a special relationship.

- I'd like to see her work.
- And does she work it!

Will you stop with this phone?

Perhaps another time.

Listen, I haven't told you
the reason I called you here.

- The funeral?
- No, it was a month ago.

So what are we doing here?

- Amalia left something for you.
- Money?

No, not money.

We aren't good with Portuguese.

Don't you say "heir"? A baby!

Who's 20 years old.

Not really a baby!

To clarify, if this herdeiro
was conceived 21 years ago,

it makes me think that...

- Oh, God, that's...
- Our son.

- Ours? You mean mine!
- Yeah, yours.

Merciful God, I could have a son!

Yours, or his.


or his, we don't know.

- That's why I called you all.
- What do you mean, we don't know?

- It means that back then...
- We were all with Amalia.

She was with me! We were a couple,
we loved each other very much.

She loved you all too.

- You?
- All four of you.

- All four?
- Yeah, sorry.

You! Wasn't my sister enough?

But Amalia too? You rotten bastard!

Why just me? We all banged her.

- Just a little.
- Maybe once.

What are these?

DNA kits.

Just swab the inside of your cheek
and put it in the test tube.

Wasn't there a more titillating method?

Now that the mother is dead,
we need to know

which of you is the biological father.

In case he wants to know.

It's just a small formality.

There aren't any subtitles.

Let me see.

If it comes out, I'll be defrocked.

My father-in-law
will feed me to the pigs.

I don't get your reactions,
so we have a son!

Having a son in four
is not exactly normal.

With an ex porn star.

That was fucking us three...

- While dating... sorry.
- At this point.

He was given up for adoption.

So technically,
he's someone else's child.

Did you hear what the lawyer said?

By law, an adopted child has the right
to know their biological parents.

Then it would all come out
and Diletta would kill me.

He hasn't looked for us in 20 years,
why would he now?

I wouldn't want to meet
my biological parents.

I'd just want to head-butt them.

He'll never look for us, don't worry.

How can you guys think like this?

You really don't give a shit?

We could be fathers.
Having a child is an incredible thing.

It is DNA that is perpetuated,

it's the natural
continuation of our life.

It, s life that flows into another life

and perpetuates itself for eternity.

It's eternal life, Father!

What're you saying?

Enough alcohol for you.

I want to meet my son.

No, that's her stage name.

I'll handle this.

Speak Portuguese.

- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you!

See? You speak it.

He says that
he doesn't have that information.

Thank you very much,
you seem very reasonable.

Could you ask him
who we should be asking?

This one, together.

- Mother of God!
- Come on...

I studied abroad in Florence
in the Erasmus program. Do you know it?

Erasmus program?

Yeah, vaguely.

This friend of yours,
can he help us get the name?

I told you, he works there.
He's helping me get maternity benefits.

What do you mean?

I'm pregnant, 12 weeks along.

So you shouldn't smoke.

- Or drink.
- Or above all, curse.

But I have to warn you,
it's gonna cost you.

How much?

- 500?
- Are you crazy? That's a lot.

- 5,000.
- Fuckin' hell!

What 5,000?

3,000 for my friend
and 2,000 for me.

- It shows that you studied in Italy.
- I won't even consider it.

Can you leave us alone for a minute?

Thanks, sweetie.

Guys, give me a break,
5,000 euros for a name...

Why don't you leave it
to the professional?

Are you lucky enough to have me here?
Then let me do my job.

You'll say: "Thank you, Ascanio".

What will you say to me?
Thank you, Ascanio.

Trust me.

Famous last words.

I'm not in,
I don't have that kind of money.

Let me plug this thing for you.

Even if we find him, what happens?
We make him play Guess Who?

Who's the dad?

He's got a point.

It's a deal!

Guys... I closed.

- 400?
- No, 4,000.

- Go to fuckin, hell!
- Again?

You got quite a deal...

- She, s been in there for an hour.
- Relax!

She didn't steal our money, right?

No, you can tell she's a good kid.

- She almost killed that desk clerk.
- He deserved it.

Mamma mia...

Big guy! How's it goin'?

Big guy, my ass!
Have you talked to the Sanremo people?

Mommy's counting on it.

- I'll call as soon as I'm back.
- Why, where are you?

I don't pay you to take trips,
I pay you to close contracts.

Talk with the Sanremo people
or I'll fucking fire your ass.

- You get it?
- We have a contract...

Listen, I'm getting pissed off!



His name, s Ricardo Sousa
and he lives in Figuera da Foz.

Our son, s name is Ricardo!

- Where's Figuera da Foz?
- It's near Fatima! It's a sign!

How do we get to Figuera?

Who the hell even wants to go!

Who even knows this kid?

This "kid" is your son,
the one you abandoned 20 years ago.

Exactly, we don't even know him.

We're looking for a total stranger,
without speaking the language.

And if we find him,
what would we even say?

And, how are we gettin' there?

- I have a vehicle.
- There's five of us.

No, six. We need a big vehicle.

- Fuckin' daji...
- Pietro, enough!

I just read it!

This is yours.

I'm not driving.

And so here we are,
the four of us, traveling together.

No, five, actually six.

With Alice,
we agreed on 2,000 euros now

and 2,000 after we meet our son.

These sardines really stink!

Open the window, get some air in here.

It, d be better if we removed the roof!

Amalia really loved sardines.

Ricardo's mother, our girlfriend.

So you were all dating each other?

We were all dating her, not each other.

I want to clarify that I had no idea.

He seems like this now,
but 20 years ago...

- He was even worse.
- Much worse.

And what was she like? Beautiful?

Very beautiful!

She was a brunette,
gray eyes, periwinkle...

Periwinkle... They were light blue.
He's colorblind.

You're both colorblind.
They were aquamarine, almost green.

However, her eyes were special,
you could lose yourself in them.

She was incredibly beautiful,
do you know what I mean?

I think so.

Her eyes, sure, but she found success
with another part of her body.

- Enough already!
- Just one thought up here!

It's the only thing you think about!

Don't stay trapped in here
My thought, fly high

Fill with the sun and go to the sky

it wasn't me in the city that night

I never meant to let her cry

Watch the road!

Only her in my soul can be

She has remained, you see

This useless man

Is so tired now...

What are you saying, Diletta?
Of course we'll be back in time.

Hi, Arianna.

With all the red tape and problems

this baptism is taking a while.

- Baptism?
- Baptism?

- You said baptism.
- I did?

No, I meant the funeral.

We need to stay here until tomorrow.

Did something happen?

No, nothing.

Just red tape, problems... And you?

Nothing, just the normal stuff.

Love! I'm back.

- Who, s that?
- What?

You can't imagine!

Did someone come in?

He could've given me a hand
with all these bags!

But that's...

Where is cleaning product?

- In the closet, like always.
- I go get.

Isn't that the cleaning lady?
Wasn, t she Ukrainian?

- She spoke Roman dialect.
- Sure.

Because she... acts.

- Acts?
- She does theater.

In different dialects.

She does dialectal theater.

- Dialectal?
- However...

- Cut it.
- I have to go, Jacopo.

- It's late, bye.
- Bye.

Oh my God...

Love, forgive me,
I didn't know you were online.

Enough is enough,
we can't live like this.

- You really need to tell him.
- I can't do it.

- If he finds out that we're...
- Lesbians?

- Buddhists.
- He'll shoot himself. And then us.

- What will he do?
- What will I do?

My love!

You're so beautiful!

- I'll drive.
- Where's Jacopo?

There he is.

Go right ahead, Father!



- Do you already know the sex?
- No, I want to be surprised.

Smart, they're always making mistakes.

My mother thought she was having a girl
so she bought everything

and I had to wear
pink clothes until I was 6.

They never got rid of anything.

And my brother had to wear
my hand-me-downs.

- Do you have siblings?
- I'm an only child.

Lucky you.

- You, Ascanio?
- One and only.

Jacopo, did you share clothes
with your sister?

Did you dress like a sissy
or did she dress like a tomboy?

I want to go home.

Don't over react!

- Ascanio, turn around.
- Calm down.

- Please.
- You're not in charge.

I want to go back!

Damn it!

What the fuck are you doing?
Are you crazy?

- Alice, are you okay?
- Yeah, I think so.

What's going on in those heads of yours?

You're making it into such a big deal.

She was kissing
her cleaning lady, with tongue!

- I thought she was an actress.
- She's the Ukrainian cleaning lady.

But she acts in dialectal theater.

I didn't understand, it's complicated!

Have you ever asked yourself
why she never told you?

Told him what?

You knew?


For how long?

She was always like that.

Like what? Cleaning lady or actress?

She was going to marry me
only to please you.

You left her a week before the wedding!

She had been together
with a girl from college for years!

I don't understand. Who's this girl?

He was with his sister, who's a lesbian
and loved her friend from college.

Even she understood.

She wanted to tell you.

But you're impossible to talk to.

- It's true...
- Shut up!

You see?

I'm a very open minded priest
and an understanding man.

Is that why you haven't
talked to me in ten years?

You left my sister at the altar!

If I had known that she was...

That she was, what? Come on.

At least have the guts to say it.

That she was a carpet muncher?

That she was a lesbian!
You would never have accepted it.

There's a limit to everything,
it's not natural!

And being resurrected
after three days is natural?

Excuse me, but that's a miracle

And finding someone you truly love?

Isn, t that a small miracle?

Jacopo, you could
have a son with a porn star.

And remember what your boss said:

"Don't judge,
if you don't want to be judged".

Nice, right? I read it in the Bible.

You were with my sister,
so it must also be partly your fault.

Ok, I accept "partly",
it's a step forward.


They'll give it back to us tomorrow,
they have to take it to the shop.

On Friday I've got a Pooh concert.

Didn't they break up?

It's the cover band.

I have to get married,
we can't stay here forever.

Let's call the car rental agency
and see if we can get another car.

I didn't actually rent it.

- What?
- Someone lent it to me.

And where are we going to sleep tonight?

You are lucky enough
to have a professional with you,

for tonight I have something
very interesting in mind.

Come on, tomorrow
I'll take you all to Ricardo.

- Who, s Ricardo?
- What! He's your son!

- So?
- What?

- Where are we?
- Are you kidding me?

I know this place.

Where's this hotel?

I get it now.

You're such a bastard!

I don't get it.

"Welcome to the University campus".

There are the basketball courts.
Remember them?

I don't remember anything.

The library there, where you and I lived.


Come on!

My head is somewhere else. It's great.

They lived over there,
near the cafeteria.

- Cafeteria.
- We met them there.

We knew they were Italians
because they had Pecorino cheese.

Do you remember?

They went around with stinky cheese.

- Pecorino doesn't stink.
- It's Pecorino!

- Pecorino is aromatic.
- Yeah right, in a backpack?

I haven't slept in a bunkbed
since I was 11.

He's used to a penthouse
apartment at the Vatican!

It's not like all priests
live in penthouses.

No, it's a small percentage.

Like the eight per thousand law?

Guys! Found it!

Wait a minute! What's this?

It's our DeLorean.

Our what?

The car from "Back to the Future".
You guys are hopeless!

Tonight I will take you
back in time 20 years!

What did she say?

That you could be her father.

And when you've hit on everyone here,
what will you do? Start over?

Yes. And try to have some fun!

We don't belong here,
even you must see that.

You didn't used to be like this.
I'm going to dance.

What are you doing?

I'm a modern priest,
tell that to my sister.

You can't drink, it's bad for you.

My beer!

Quid is Latin.


No, look, I...

Alexandra Peters?


Professor Alexandra Peters?

Do we know each other?

I was in your class 21 years ago.

You don't remember?

- Enrico!
- Yes.

Yes, of course!
Were you at the party?

I was at the party too
with some friends...

- I'm so happy to see you!
- Me too.

Toga! Toga!

Toga toga!
John Belushi! "Animal House".

They don't know who John Belushi is.


You deserve "Despacito".

They're really beautiful.

- Are they all yours?
- Yes.

You had amazing talent as well.

All thanks to you.

Before I took your class, I didn't know
what a photograph was.

You already knew.

Certain things can't be taught.

Let's sit.

I really did enjoy taking photos.

For a while I even thought about
giving up everything

to travel the world with a backpack
and a reflex camera.

But then...

it didn't turn out so bad,
you said you're an architect, right?


What do you do, exactly?

Pop Architecture.

Restaurants, bars, museums... nice!

"Pop" stands for popular.

We build horrible apartment buildings
in the suburbs.

Do you know I still have your photos?

- Really?
- Wait a minute.

Let's see.

This is you, right?

You came out really well.

- I came out well?
- Of course!

You came out really well.

Don't you see yourself in this photo?

You're in the colors of this sky.

Your soul is here.

What're you doing?

What I should have done a long time ago.

Jacopo, what happened here?

- I don't know, I need the bathroom.
- No, wait.

What did they write on you?

"Just screw it".

See if it went through my shirt.

I can't look.

No, looks fine.

Wow, nice piercings.

If she wakes up, kick her out.
I have to go throw up.

Who is she?

Did you do this, Ascanio?

Excuse me, miss.

I stole it out of a window display,
he was so in love.

Alice, who did this to me?

You're the one who asked for them.

You even wanted another one.

But they were out of rings, thank God.

I have to get dressed.

What is this mess?

Where is my cassock?

You burned it. Don't you remember?

You were talking gibberish
about Pope Marcinkus,

about Banco Ambrosiano...
I didn't get much of it.

Holy Virgin!

Have you seen my phone?

You threw it in the toilet.

- Why?
- Last night, you threw it in the toilet.

You were sending everyone
pictures of yourjoystick.

- I don't play videogames.
- She's talking about your prick.

- What a dickhead!
- Yes, exactly.

- Is my phone in there?
- Yep.

- You threw up on it?
- It's waterproof.

Be careful, gastric juices
are corrosive. Use this.

No, to my secretary even!

I sent a dick pic to all my contacts.

Let's see.

You could've at least waited
for an erection!

- That is an erection!
- Oh, nice.

It's blurry, I was drunk.

- And it was really cold.
- Wait! Look.

- Is that a zit?
- Don't be assholes.

- I have to send an apology.
- What are you going to say?

- "Sorry, I was cold".
- I'll say it was a virus.

The messages were sent on accident,
it can happen.

Wait, dickie, I'm riding in front.

The priest and the princess... So rude.

- We can go.
- Good.

I told him
that he could come with us.

Quid Management
never makes its artists walk!

What did he say?

He wants to know why
you sent him a dick pic.

You got it too?

Come up, you're already busting my balls.

What did he say?

He said that in order
to make your dick that small,

it must have been
a really aggressive virus.

- Is this guy good?
- No.

The kiss was a bit much.

What's that, guys?

That right there?

It looks like a police roadblock.

What's he saying?

He says to get out,
they want to search the minibus.

Guys, no worries, I'm a candidate
for the Italian Parliament.

I wouldn't tell them that.


Mamma mia!


It's not mine.

It's not mine either.

I don't want to embarrass you...

Good, that's the one. He understood.


They said Manuel was already
wanted on drug charges.

They said they're arresting us as well.

What did he say?

That we should thank the Monsignor.

He's the Apostolic Nuncio of Lisbon.

Your Eminence! Mea culpa!

Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!

Have a little dignity...

These are deportation papers.
You have 24 hours to leave the country.

Ciao, ciao!

What will they do to you?

They'll make him repent, like Galileo.

It was great seeing you again, my friend.

If they send you to some little village
in the middle of nowhere,

remember me
for the patron saint festivals.

- Quid Management.
- Latin.

I'll call you.

Take care, Jacopo.

Ciao, Alice.

I have to go.

Immediate defrocking.

- They let you go?
- No, I told them to go to hell.

- In Portuguese?
- In Italian, but they understood.

Awesome, Jacopo!

Okay, guys... Let's get going.

- Where?
- To meet our son.

And the deportation papers?

Enrico, bureaucratic minutia.
Who cares!

Fuck, he's right.

We might be fathers,
we might have a son.

And if I might have a son,
you might have a son.

The whole world could have a son.
Rocky! Come on!

Guys, I'm in.

- You have to get married.
- I have no desire to go home.

So, we're going. What'd you decide?


Rocky won in the end,
but he got really beaten up.

And Adriana was even ugly.

- Am I driving?
- No.

- Are you sure this is the right way?
- Yes.

Yeah, for Transylvania.

Of course I'll make it back in time.

What the fuck do you mean by setback?

Do you know that this idiot
messed up my hair color?

Now I have to change the linens.

What do linens have to do with your hair?

You think I'd put periwinkle linens
with cinnamon colored hair?

Let me talk to this moron.

Are you done fucking around?

Here we're trying to plan a wedding.

Yes, dad...

Dad my ass!

Get back here immediately
or you'll be making photocopies!

- What'd you say?
- Are you deaf?

I said photocopies! Your job
before meeting my daughter.

And you weren't even good at that.
Now come home.

- Or you'll be out on the street!
- Go fuck yourself!

- What did he say?
- We got disconnected.

- You got disconnected?
- There isn't good reception in Portugal.

Now you have to redo it.

- I hung up on him.
- No, you told him to fuck himself.

What do you want to do?

It doesn't seem like
he really wants to get married.

It's just a little bit of cold feet.
It happens, right Jacopo?

Why are you asking Jacopo?
What do priests know about marriage?

- I'm married to God.
- That's a long distance relationship.

It's easier.

I met someone,

on campus.

Alexandra Peters,
the professor Alexandra Peters.

The American lady
who taught photography classes?

You banged the prof?

- Stop it!
- Utmost respect!

No, guys, really...

There's really something between us.

Did you make love?

She must be 70!
What is she, a mummy?

But you're getting married!

Pull over, Ascanio.
I don't feel well.

Pull over.

I think that if he has doubts,
he shouldn't get married.

You can't just blow off a wedding!

It's all set, I already paid
the Pooh cover band.

The band is not the issue here.

It's an issue because Saturdays
they are in high demand.

What are you talking about?
If he's suffering...

Some friendly advice: don't get married.

Mind your own fucking business!
Saturday you are going to get married.

Tell him, Jacopo. It's even in the Bible.

Live fast, die young
and leave a good looking corpse.

- That's not in the Bible.
- No, it's John Belushi.

But, speaking of looking good,
I'd like to buy some new clothes.

Should we get the hell outta here?

Try this.

Why a priest?
How did you decide to become one?

It's not like you decide.

It's a calling.

It's a mission.

A mission to spend your life
serving others.

A little too red. The black one?

Actually, there are reasons
even I don't understand,

sometimes I think it was an escape.

An escape?

I felt so small in the world.

And the Church makes you feel...
Will you give me a hand?

It makes you feel stronger, protected.

I wasn't cut out for marriage,
becoming a father.

And to think I could find out
that I've been a father for 20 years.

The pants?

When I made the decision,
I wasn't listening.

To anyone.

I thought I was listening,
but I only heard what I wanted to hear.

But now that my ears are unplugged,
I can hear everything.

What do you hear?

It's time to try on the pants.

That sweatshirt is nice,
it looks good on you.

- You even look younger.
- Really?

This priest is cool!

Father Ralph, let's go!

Nothing's different, all black,
just like a priest.

Give me a minute, I need some privacy.

I don't even know the difference
between mauve and periwinkle.

- Did you know they're different?
- What?

- Mauve and periwinkle.
- I didn't even know they were colors.

They're women,
their retinas are more developed.

What's that, a dead cat?

It's for the Pooh cover band keyboardist.

The one that's better than Facchinetti.

And this one's for the drummer,
that I'm going to kick out.

Are they Pooh or Motley Crue?

They're your aunt and sister.

Let's go.

What's he saying?

Alice, what did he say?

What's wrong, Alice?

- Nothing.
- Nothing? Look at your face!

I said it's nothing!

I'll find out what happened.

- See? You speak it.
- I got it... In cash.

- So, what happened?
- You want to tell them?

It's Gonzalo, the baby's father,
he gives sailing lessons near here.

- So?
- He doesn't know she's pregnant.

What are you guys talking about?

You never understand a thing!

You speak in innuendoes:
the cleaning lady, the baby's father...

Gonzalo, the father of this baby,

he doesn't know he's going
to be a father, it's simple.

- And we're going to go tell him.
- Wait! You don't know him.

I don't know if he wants a child.

Being pregnant and not telling anyone
has caused enough problems already.

- Let's go.
- I agree.

You're not in priest clothes anymore.

Come on, up!

What are you doing? Let's go!

- Is it him?
- Yes.

Want me to come?

Guys, your choice: castle or shapes?


They're easier for you,
castles are difficult.

A shape for me, one for you...

- She's coming back.
- She doesn't look happy.

How'd it go?

- Let's get out of here.
- What did he say?

- He thinks I should get an abortion.
- Asshole.

He really said that to you?
I'm going to talk to him.

- Wait Ascanio.
- It's not worth it.

You're right, let's go.

- Give me the keys, I'll drive.
- That's our other problem.


The minibus belongs to Gonzalo,
and he took back the keys.

Holy... Eve.

Let's see if there's a rental agency.

And the deportation papers?
We aren't supposed to be here.

She's not being deported.

I don't have a driver's license.

You don't have a license? Holy...

Holy Judas.

I have an idea.

Ascanio to the rescue,
I know how to provoke the kid.

- No bullshit!
- You're so lucky to have me.

I won't screw it up.

- He's looking at you.
- Why?

Who knows...

Guys, everything's fine.
He's lending us the minibus.

- Really?
- Okay, not exactly lending it to us.

I have to race him on those thingies,

and if I win, we get the minibus.

But he's an instructor and half your age.

And double your muscles.

Who do you think you're talking to?

I taught kitesurfing
for six months in Brasil.

- That's not kitesurfing.
- Isn't it the same thing?

- Yeah, totally the same.
- Identical.

And if you lose?

His friend thinks you're cute,
if we lose you spend the night with him.

What do I gotta do?

You have to spend the night...

if we lose, we pay him 6,000 euros
for the minibus.

- Who's giving us 6,000 euros?
- Him.

For 6,000 euros I'd sleep with him.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah!

I can't watch.

I'm so amazing!

- I want to be your manager!
- No, not my manager.

What's wrong, Ascanio?

If you're joking around, it's not funny.

They are running some other tests.

Answer it, Pietro.

Sorry, I don't know how
to change the ringtone.


Yeah, that's me.

Okay, thank you.

Talk to you soon, thanks.

Everything okay?

It was the people from Sanremo,
they accepted my trapper musician.

- That's a good thing, right?
- Yeah, a good thing.

There's Ascanio.

These Portuguese hospitals
are so efficient!

They've made me as good as new.


- How are you?
- Let's go.

What's he saying?

I was embarrassed to tell you guys.

In Thailand I caught a venereal disease.

That's nasty!

However, it only messes
a little with my blood pressure.

He said not to go to Thailand again.

I'll never go back to Thailand.

- Caribbean.
- I'll go to the Caribbean.

I can't go to Thailand,
I have to go to the Caribbean.

No more mojitos.

We understood that.

It even costs much less.

- In the Caribbean.
- What?

Goodbye and my compliments
to whoever hires your nurses,

one of them was really hot.

They're nuns.

You've never been with a nun?

Why, because you have?

Let's go.

Venereal disease...

- We need to find a hotel.
- I booked a suite, turn here.

- And now where do I go?
- Straight.

- Down to the bottom?
- Yes, to the end.

- There isn't anything here.
- Where's the hotel?

Here it is, the Atlantic Hotel!

There's even a swimming pool.

There's no reception,
like when we were in Camargue.

Free camping, without telephones.

Good thing I stopped at the bodega.

For me just a few, three or four.

I thank you my Lord
I am no longer afraid

Because hand in hand with my friends

it, s beautiful!

I walk among the people
Of my city and I no longer feel alone

I no longer feel the tiredness
I look straight in front of me

Because on my path there is you

- What's it about?
- It's a song about love.

- It's a Church song.
- Change your repertoire!

It's also a song about love,
and she likes it.

What do you mean she likes it?

She, s nice and courteous
and isn't telling you the truth.

We aren't nice and we say: change song.

Let's eat.

Ignorant people.

Why don't you want
to tell your friends you're sick?

Because I know how these things go

and I don't want to become pathetic.

People start being nice,

they treat you like a sick person.

But you are sick,
the doctor said you could get better.

Doctors say all kinds of things.

And this baby, what will it be?

A scientist, a rock star, an astronaut?

No, because then he'd go to the moon
and I wouldn't get to see him.

I don't know,

I want him or her to be happy.

That they don't make
the same mistakes I made.

What mistakes
have you made? You're 12.

I must be a mistake prodigy then,

because I've already made a ton.

I've made many more than you
and I'd make them all over again.

Hey, look at this.

What is it?

What does it say?
I can't read Portuguese...

- It's not Portuguese, it's Spanish.
- Same thing.

It's not the same.

Portuguese and Spanish,
two r's and two s's,

It's a quote from a Cuban poet
of the Revolution,

it's the three things every person
should do in their lifetime.

- What are they?
- Plant a tree...

have a child and write a book.

I haven't done even one.

I'm working on the child.

And I wrote a book
when I was in high school.

I sold six copies on Amazon,
actually, five.

One person asked for their money back.

And have you planted a tree?

No, I'm missing that one.

Gonzalo and I
were supposed to do it together.

That asshole.

See? I know Portuguese.

In Cabo Espichel.

Near the lighthouse where we met.

You know what?
Plant it by yourself, why not?

Why should you care?

I'm cold.

Come here.

We have reception again.

Diletta tried to call me,
and my father-in-law too.

The Vatican called me.

They'll have already put my photo
over the one of the antichrist.

- They have a photo of the antichrist?
- It was a joke.

Fatima! Do you want to stop?

You go to Fatima on a pilgrimage,
you don't just stop by.

Mamma mia!

Better not, we're taking a break
to reflect on things.

Enough with this ringtone!

I want to change it, but I can't.

Hey bro, my mom just called me.

She read on the Internet
that I got in to Sanremo!

We're gonna kick everyone's ass!
Can you hear me?

- Yeah, I hear you.
- We did it.

I don't have a lot of time,
I'm filming the video.

- They sent a car for me...
- Piece of shit car.

Call the recording studio
and reserve the room for tomorrow.

Three, four hours... the whole day!

- Did you write that down?
- No, I don't want to.

What? Are you out of it?

Am I out of it? No, I'm inside.

I'm getting pissed off.

That's a good thing.

Everyone should get pissed off,
at least once a day.

Then we can say what we really think,

and do what we really want to do.

For example, now I'm pissed off
and I'll tell you what I think.

It's your right to be a moron,
but you really take it too far.

Can't you hear me? You're a moron.

And don't get me started
on your girlfriend,

who has a brain the size of a booger.

And let me tell you something else:
your music sucks.

Your last song sucked so bad

that when I googled it,
the result said: "Diarrhea".

You see?

Getting pissed off is healthy,
now I'm hanging up.

Ciao, asshole!

Amazing Pietro!

I can't see anything in here.

- How much further is it?
- About 60 kilometers.

I was thinking
about making a little detour.

- You changed your ringtone!
- It's not my phone.

It's Alice's.

- I was playing.
- I saw, it's better if you quit.

Isn't this the lawyer?

- How does Alice know the lawyer?
- It says dad.

Shit, the lawyer is her father.

The lawyer is your father?

Answer the question.

- What lawyer?
- The one who called us to come here.

- Were you after our money?
- What money?

The money to find our son.

- If he even exists!
- Don't joke. He exists, right?

- How fucking dare you?
- Calm down.

What's happening?

The lawyer is Alice's father.

Wait, the minibus!

Good thing she didn't have a license!

We can steal another one,
just connect two wires.

I did it a ton of times,
before going into seminary.

- Yeah, but looking for who?
- Our son.

Guys, wait a minute.

We only have 50 kilometers left,
at least let's go see what's there.

It's 60 kilometers.
What, are we walking?

- Maybe there's a way to get there.
- Where?

Come with me, we're not far.

What's he talking about?

When he acts like that, it makes me...

Can you tell us where we are?
You said it wasn, t far.

I'm trying to get my bearings
and your defeatism isn't helping.

- At least say where you're taking us.
- Somewhere.

- I'm not going any further.
- He's right.

Can we at least know
where the heck we're going?

Near here there's
a photography exhibit.

We're in the middle of fields.

- Who exhibits here?
- Someone.


The professor.

- I don't understand.
- You never understand.

The one he banged, the old lady.

Ascanio, stop it.

You're taking us there
so you can see the professor?

She can help us out.

- You want to see her again.
- I'm doing it for you, for us.


Guys, enough.

- Let's stop for a minute.
- What is it, Ascanio?

Can you imagine Amalia,
if she could see us now,

how hard she'd laugh?

Do you remember her laugh?

How she looked at you.

- How she fucked!
- Come on...

I'm hungry.

Maybe they could give us something
in that house down there.

- I'll go see.
- I'll come with you.

- Are you sure you're up for it?
- Yeah, I'm just hungry.

I'm thirsty, is there any water?

Look in the backpack.

What does acute LMA mean?

Let me see.

Here we are!

Ascanio, how are you?

I'm fine. These are the kids
from that farm house.

They gave us bread and salted cod.

And bicycles.

So very kind! Muchas gracias!

That's Spanish.

And we have to pay for them.

They'll give them to us if we pay...

- And who's paying?
- You are.

- I brought the bicycles.
- I brought the salted cod.

No comprendo.

- It's this way!
- Can't you see the signs?

He never understands!

Will you wait for me?

I have a flat tire.

I don't remember her.
Was she blond?

Will we recognize her by her broken hip?

There she is.

Guys, I'm going.

This is gerontophilia.

- She, s mature.
- Mature? She, s rotten!

- Hi, Alexandra.
- Enrico!

Wait a minute.

You came! I didn't think you would.

Did you see the professor?

Should we share her like old times?

It didn't work out that well.

Let's go check out the buffet.

Come, I want to show you something.

But this is mine.

How did you know I'd come?

I didn't know.

You were already here.

What does this one mean?
It's all black.

It's art,
everyone gives it their own meaning.

Like religion,
everyone gives it their own meaning.

The meaning is that the photographer
put his finger over the lens.

And if he wanted it like that?

Or just wasn't talented?

Or another explanation:
he doesn't like the world as it is

so to not look at it,
he puts his finger over the lens.

Like you do, right?

You don't want to see the world
as it is and so you ignore it.

- You put your finger over the lens.
- I don't get it.

We read your medical records.

Why didn't you tell us?

Aside from medical records
being private,

I didn't tell you anything because
there's nothing to tell.

I'm sick, period.

- So slow down, if you're sick. Rest.
- I only know how to live like this.

- But you're hurting yourself.
- Who cares?

- We do.
- Your friends care.

If you don't mind...

Will someone say something stupid
or should I start crying?

Nice breasts.

No, it was a wisecrack.
"Nice breasts!"

- I haven't heard that one since 1830.
- I've never have.

- Not breasts, you say...
- Hooters.

Jugs, boobs...


Bury your face in them...
I love tits so much!

How wonderful it is up here.

I've always loved sunsets,
from the time I was a child.

Sunsets are magical,
you arrive at the end of the day,

when it seems like
nothing else will happen.

And instead...

I'm getting married this weekend.



I didn't tell you about it.

You don't have to be sorry.

We have to go, Enrico.

Yeah, I have to go.

Take my car, drop it off
at the campus tomorrow evening.

Give the keys to the custodian.



- Why are they hugging?
- I'll tell you later, let's go.

Turn here, we're almost there.

There's a bend.

So our son lives here?

He would live here, if he existed.

What should we do?

- Wait.
- No, I don't have a lot of time.

No one's home.
I'll go around back.

Wait, Ascanio!

We're going to jail tonight!

There's no one here.

- Alice conned us.
- Wait a second.

Something doesn't make sense.
If she was coming with us here...

Sherlock Holmes, can we discuss this
in the car? I have a sinus infection.

What the fuck are you doing?

It's not Italy, here people are trusting,
I went through the back door.

- It's trespassing.
- One crime more, one less...

- Go in.
- No, you commit the crime first.

I'll watch your back.

You closed it.

You know we shouldn, t be in here?

- You're right, but we're already in...
- Let's take a look and then go.

Anybody home?

Don't leave fingerprints.

This is Amalia!
So this must be our son!

- Cute.
- Adorable!

He's beautiful.

This is him as well.

Here he looks exactly like me.

- Look.
- No, he looks just like Pietro.

No, I think he resembles you.

But it's a girl.

Our son is a baby girl.

It's Alice.

What do you mean, Alice?

We made her run away.

We made her run away?
You guys made her run away!

Who's in my house?

It's the lawyer.

I think I owe you all an explanation.

I was Amalia, s best friend
for many years

and like a father to Alice.

She has always been curious,
intelligent, very strong.

Why didn't she tell us
she was our daughter?

She was uncertain,
she wanted to get to know you first.

For many years
she thought she didn't have a father.

Amalia never told her about us?

What could she say? That she loved
four men at the same time?

Only right before departing
did she tell her the truth.

I don't understand.

Sorry, my Italian isn't perfect.

No, it's not that,
he doesn't understand us either.

Why did Alice invent this whole story?

And why did she bring us here?
And where the fuck is she?

Alice wanted to get to know you,
before telling you.

She wanted to spend time with you.

- But where the fuck is she?
- This I don't know.

She came by when I wasn't here,
she left her things.

I was out looking for her.

- Did you try calling her?
- It's turned off.

Where could she have gone?

Maybe she went to her friend's,
but I don't have her phone number.

What's her friend, s name?
I'll find her on Instagram.

No, fuck!


No, fuck...

- We have to hurry.
- Alice wants to get an abortion.


Maybe there's hope.
Where do the buses leave from?

She doesn't want an abortion,
I know where she went.

So, will someone give me a hand?

Or should I do it all by myself?

Pietro, enough,
if not he'll start singing.

Here are the results.

Give them to me.

It's only right.

Now that I have four,
why should I settle forjust one?

You're right!

- My baby girl!
- No, my baby girl.

Enough already!

Don't stay trapped in here
My thought, fly high

Pietro went back to his first love

and now he can focus on his champions,

the Pooh tribute band.

We finally met the keyboardist,

that sings better than Facchinetti.

Alice and Ascanio
left on a trip toward North Cape,

where they saw the Aurora Borealis
and were hosted by an Inuit family.

It's like a strawberry milk shake.



rotten seal in it.

Strawberries and seal.

The Inuit people have a very different
concept of time than we do.

They live in a place
where days and nights last six months,

and they have learned that the past
and the future are imaginary places,

because the only place
that really exists is the present.

Jacopo learned that God
doesn't live in the palaces of power

or in the fancy penthouses
overlooking the Colosseum.

Penalty! It's totally a penalty!

Faking! Yellow card!

And he learned that finding
someone to love

is indeed a small miracle.


- What are you up to?
- I was at confession.

- Serious problems?
- Here always very serious.

Look up for a second!

If Mohammed doesn't come
to the mountain...

But wasn, t it Buddha?


Let me look at you!

And speaking of miracles...
I know it very well,

at least once in your lifetime,
you should bring happiness into focus.

In the name of the Father,
and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

You can now exchange the rings.

Alice had a baby boy,

his name is Erasmus
and he's absolutely amazing.

And this has become our home.

Now we play at being
grandfathers and fathers.


We miss Ascanio dearly,

but even if he isn't here physically
and we can't see him,

we know that he is here with us,

because no one can take from us
the dance we shared together.