#Twominutesoffame (2020) - full transcript

Good
evening, my fellow Americans.

It's me,
your last semblance of a decent,

law-abiding, qualified
president, Barack Obama...

here to introduce to you
the trailer...

for Marques Black's
new film...

Uh...
Secret Service Man.

Now, although
I am highly disappointed

with our current president,

I gotta say...

Marques Black's career
choices of late

have disappointed me far more.



That's right, Marques.

You are single-handedly
responsible for disappointing

the world's most
beloved black man.

I'm just kidding!
What's up with y'all, baby?

It's Deandre McDonald.

Okay, here talking shit

about Marques Black's
latest piece of shit.

Okay, that's wrong of me.

See, I think
it's a piece of shit.

But here, watch this
shitty new trailer

and just show me and tell me
how shitty you think it is.

Roll that beautiful
bean footage.

I don't need more
protection.

Sir, we have it on good
authority that an attempt



will definitely be made
on your life.

But why?
What have I ever done to anybody?

Yeah.

At some point...

That's better than Tiger.

...in every man's life...

Go, go, go! Make him run,
make him run.

...he gets a chance...

I already have enough blacks.

What do I need
with this black?

Sir, he is the best black
for the job.

...to be great.

So close.

Now, I know that being late
is your people's thang...

but I can't risk
losing my life

because you're on CP time.
Does that make sense?

Yes, sir. My baby mama's
been tripping.

Who, Shanika?
She was tripping?

He's got a gun!

Marques Black is...

Did good by you, sir,
didn't I?

Eh. You were just okay.

Come on, let's get
the hell out of here.

...Secret Service Man.

Marques, Marques,
Marques. Um...

Marques, I can only imagine

what you were thinking
when you took this film.

You were probably just sitting
there, just being like...

"Um, excuse me, hold on.

"Now, how can I make
the most amount of money

"while selling out the
most amount of people

"while being
dead-ass terrible?

"How to be terrible?

"How to be terrible?
How to be terrible?"

This motherfucker
need to be checked.

Now, my question is

are you gonna step up
to the challenge

and be who you used to be

that authentic comedian
that we all fell in love with?

That's all I got to say.

This is Deandre McDonald.

And, oh, yeah, baby!

We got millions!
We got millions!

So you think I should
have him killed?

Motherfucker got
over a million followers.

Wouldn't let that nigga
stay alive like that.

Man, if you don't
knock it off...

I'm just
saying.

Black licorice
and peanut butter-mayonnaise

probably got
a million followers.

I got 30 million fans.

Relax. We can't
kill everybody, man.

This tired nigga's
just gotta have cake.

All right.

Yeah, this is
gonna be great. Yeah.

Don't worry.

I'm too tired
to make a move anyway.

Oh.

Don't look at me
like that, okay?

I had to work double
shifts at the hospital...

helped Jaylin
with his homework,

and I studied three hours
for my exam. Yup.

Oh, babe,
you must be exhausted!

- Yes.
- Here.

Let me rub your shoulders.

Okay, that's nice.

It is.

You know, I could get deeper
if you take your shirt off.

- I bet you can.
- Mmm-hmm.

I mean, not that I'm
trying to get you naked...

because you know,
you're exhausted

and that's the last
thing that I want.

- I don't wanna do it.
- Oh, you don't?

Mmm-mmm. Sex?

No! Hell no.

Girl, ew!

Girl, I'm a Christian.
I don't do that.

Now hurry up
and take that shirt off.

So, uh, I can rub down

your soft naked body with this
oil with no ulterior motive.

Dre, this is lube.

Is it?

Oh, my God!

I'm so embarrassed!
Is it the lube?

I'm sorry.
But you know what?

You're crazy.

We might as well
not let it go to waste.

Right? Hmm?

Babe. Babe, wake up.

What?

Babe, wake up. My last video
got over 100,000 hits!

That's so good, babe.

- Don't you wanna see it?
- Yeah.

I'll see it later.

Gotta get up and get Jaylin up
or else we're gonna be late.

Speaking of late...

our rent is late

and very short.

How much?

- Your half.
- Oh.

I'll get that to you today.

Thank you.

Because I cannot cover you
again this month.

I still have to pay
for my nursing exam

and my entire savings is gone.

That's because you're not as
good with money as I am, baby.

Very funny.

- Love you, cutie.
- Love you, too.

Mmm.

$22? Dre, you a loser, man.

What the fuck do you do
with your money?

Well, let's see here.

Food, take care of our
kid, and, oh, yeah...

- eat crack.
- You eat crack?

That's what it is then.

Man, you can't eat crack.
That shit is expensive.

Oh, our rent is expensive
as shit, and it's due ASAP.

Won't even get paid
till next week.

Get an advance.
I do it all the time.

I will say it helps

that Zena don't hate me
as much as she hates you.

Wait, wait, wait.
Zena hates me?

Yeah.

Yeah, she ain't gonna
hook me up with shit.

The worst she can do
is say no, man.

No ain't never hurt
anybody.

Hey, Zena!

Is it possible
if I get a, uh...

Can I get an advance
on my check?

- Maybe...
- Advance?

Boy, hell no.

Your lazy ass, too long of
a lunch break taking,

backwards-ass food stocking,

motherfucker who stepped
on my goddamn toe last week,

and you didn't even say
sorry about that shit!

You know what?
I hope your mother regrets

even having
your monkey ass

and anything
that you put your mind to,

I hope
you fail at it miserably.

Don't ask me for shit.

Move!

Clean up in aisle three.

There's a lot of hurt
in her past.

I thought
that went well. I really did.

Good afternoon, ma'am!
How you doing?

Hey, ma'am!

Would you like
some Port Salut?

Oh, no.

Oh! Wait, I'm sorry.
Do it again.

I wanna get it on the camera,
uh, for his reel.

- Okay, cool.
- Yeah, ask her again.

Do your...

Would you like some cheese?

Cheese, cheese,
cheese plate!

Crackers, we gonna make it
rain crackers

like blessings
from the Lord up in here!

Crackers...

I'm not talking
about white people.

I'm talking about crackers!

That's what we do.
Let's mess up some cheeses.

Let's mess up
some cheeses, yeah.

♪ Gorgonzola, Pepper Jack

♪ Gouda cheese
Yeah, all of that ♪

Uh... Mmm.

No, no, no.
Come here.

Cut out the comedy show

and just sell them cheese,
Deandre.

The problem is,

they don't just
want cheese, huh?

She don't want cheese.
He don't want cheese.

I don't want cheese.
We want respect.

And until I find it,
I ain't gonna stop.

- Oh, Denzel Washington!
- That's right.

- Hey, do something else.
- No, no, no, no!

Go cover my express line.

I don't
wanna cover the express line!

- Oh, Tracy Morgan!
- That's right.

Deandre, go over there now.

Listen, last time I covered
the express line,

ladies came with
100 cans of cat food!

Little lady talking
about some...

"Since it's the same brand,
it only counts as one."

But I was like,
"You know what?

"Fuck that! It doesn't
count as one."

Deandre, you are
pushing it now, okay?

I'm pushing it?
You know what's pushing?

Your hairline!

That's pushing
all the way back!

It's one, two, way back!

- That's what it is.
- Zena's got mad forehead!

You need to stop talking
like Tracy Morgan

and go over there
and do your damn job now.

If I don't
talk like Tracy Morgan,

I'mma talk like Kevin Hart.

Tell you why,
tell you what you did.

It's terrible, disrespectful.
Listen, I'm a human being.

Just because you're a more
handsome man than I am,

strong-ass jawline
and a mustache...

Excuse me.

...that doesn't mean
anything.

Okay, I got you.

You got a mustache.
What you doing?

Say it again.
Say all that shit again.

No, no, no.
I can't even remember now.

The part about
me being a man.

- I said you was a man?
- Yeah.

I might've said that
in character.

It's kind of like I get
possessed by the spirit.

You know what I'm saying?
Like the spirit.

I've been touched by God

and redeemed
by the blood of Jesus!

Hallelujah!

- Lord Jesus!
- Yeah, come here.

You hit like a girl.
That's one redeeming thing.

Yeah, straight up.

Yeah. Need a postcard
for that trip?

- You are so fucking fired!
- I'm fired?

- Yes!
- I'm fired? Thank you!

Who's fired? We're fired?

Fine! Give me the vegetables!
I want this cauliflower.

I'mma take some
squash, take these bananas.

Give me this
God dang apple! Give me it!

We gotta go,
we gotta go, we gotta go!

We out!

Right.

Nice job, Thomas.

Okay, please practice
your sheet music

on your pianos at home. Okay?

What if you
don't have a piano?

Thomas, stop it.

I'm just asking what
Jaylin's supposed to do,

since his family is
too poor to buy one.

That's enough!

Please, be kind.

I will see you all next week.

- Dad!
- Come on.

Oh. Mr. McDonald!

Um, have you made any progress
in getting Jaylin a piano?

- So he could practice?
- Absolutely.

Oh, great!

Yup!

Well, kind of.

I'll figure something out.

You know, you've been
saying that for six months.

Jaylin is starting
to fall behind.

Our lessons are advancing,

and I'm afraid
he's gonna have to

drop the class
until he gets one.

Dad, no! I can't quit piano.

Look, if it's
about the money...

Ain't about
the money, girl.

What you talking about, girl?
We balling around here.

Drip-drop, make it rain
everywhere. Precipitation.

That's right, that's right.

But what if it is
about the money?

I'm sure there's
some music stores

that can extend you credit.

Ain't nobody gonna extend
me no damn credit.

- Credit!
- Crazy!

I just want Jaylin to be able

to better participate
in class.

He just has a lot
of potential.

I agree.

I don't mean
to sound harsh here

but I just would hate
if your life circumstances

would stand in his way.

What?

Lady...

I do for my son.

You feel me?

Oh. No, no, I'm sorry.
I know you can.

- I'm just trying to help.
- Oh, you're trying to help.

Uh, well, you need to
help them bangs

in the front of your face.
That's what you need to do.

- What's wrong with my bang?
- What's wrong with your bang?

It looks like a French horn.

Looking like a broke-ass
Rosie Perez.

Okay.

Looking like
a Puerto Rican version

of Janelle Monae.

Man, fuck Zena,
and fuck that punk-ass job.

I wasn't gonna blow up
working at no grocery store.

Now I got more time to devote
to my comedy. Yes!

Okay. Dre, this shit is about
to crack for the both of us.

I want you to see this.

I just submitted
your audition tape

and Instagram videos
to this showcase.

Boom. Come on!

Good shit, my G.

It is your time, man.

I got a feeling
about this, Dre!

You gonna win this thing, man.
You hear me?

You are going to win this
and when you do,

you gonna go on tour.

Then your stand-up, that's
gonna lead to acting.

Then we gonna parlay that
into an action movie career.

I'mma represent you,

and then I'mma open up
a big-ass management firm.

Guess who I'm gonna sign?

Sarah Silverman. Make her have
my little black baby.

Boom.

Dre, you are exactly
what they're looking for.

You exactly
what I'm looking for, too.

- Hey!
- Oh, hey!

Oh, wow! Okay.

Look at this. This right here,
you know what this is?

This is black love.
I love that.

Feel like I shouldn't
even be here. Goddamn.

You shouldn't.

You just gonna do me
like that?

Eddie just submitted me
for this

Laugh Out Loud
comedy showcase.

So, uh, they're looking
for the next big thing...

and it's me.

Shit, it better be you.

You know
you ain't got no job.

What?

- What is he talking about?
- Oh, shit!

Huh?

That's on me.
That is my bad.

- You lost your job?
- I'm sorry, dawg.

Yeah, but look, babe.
Come on, you know me, babe.

I'll figure something out.
It's all good.

Listen, that job was
for suckers anyway.

I need to be focused
on my comedy,

building all my numbers
on the socials.

We need rent money, okay?

And followers don't pay!
You sound crazy.

Sometimes, they do.
Not to cut you off.

But you just gotta get
brand sponsorship.

Like the Kardashians, right?

- They make six...
- Okay!

But does he have
a brand sponsorship?

Mmm, no, he does not.

Because you didn't
get him one.

You been managing him
for what?

- Three years now?
- Like two and a half.

And you really
ain't did shit.

But then again,
why would you be able to get

his career cracking
when you...

Whoa, wait, don't say anything
that you can't take back, Sky.

...live with your mama!

Oh, shit. You just went there.

- Yeah.
- You just went there

- like that, huh?
- Yeah.

You said you would never
bring that up, Sky.

I lied.

Sky, listen,
stop tripping.

I'll figure something out.

A few months ago, you figured
out you were gonna make money

by putting ads
on your website.

- Yup.
- Did that pay?

Yes, it did.

Google AdSense
is a great way

to monetize
your online content.

So, yeah.

How much did you make?

- Uh... In the last 30 days?
- Sure.

If you carry over the one,

carry over the twos,
30 days...

That's gonna be,
for the April...

- How much, Dre?
- Okay, up to...

Six dollars.

And a little extra.
Babe, babe, it's all good.

I can't keep doing this.

I work hard
and I hold us down.

But you, you just do
whatever you want.

I'm not doing
whatever I want.

I'm following my dreams.

You have a family.

No job, no money,
and you rent a house.

At a certain point,
following your dreams

is irresponsible, Dre.

And I have to be honest...

I'm tired.

- Ooh.
- Sky.

Now, maybe, just maybe,

when she says she's tired,

she means it
in a different way.

Nope.

You got a big
fucking mouth, Eddie.

I know. It just slipped out
'cause I was...

Hey, you up last, baby.

I bet.

- Can I ask you a question?
- What's up?

Why you always writing
in this?

Like, what is this book?

I'm journaling, fool.

- You're journaling?
- Yeah!

- You're journaling?
- It helps me process

what I feel about life.

My shit is so fucked up
right now,

I need to channel it
somewhere.

So until I can pay
an uptight white lady

to listen to my problems,

I'mma put it all down
right here.

Okay.

You should try it.

Me? I should try journaling?

Yeah, everybody has something
they need to work out.

Get the fuck out! I ain't
got shit I need to work out.

You wanna know why?

I keep all my
shit up top, Dre.

I let everybody know
how I feel.

- Uh-huh.
- Everybody.

Except maybe my daddy.

'Cause I never really
could talk to the man.

And you know what's funny?

No matter how curious I was
to learn things about him,

he was never comfortable
sharing with me.

So, then I'm like,
"What is it about me?"

Like I said.

Fuck you.

This cop has never
seen shit like this.

Not a .08, not a .10.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I blew a 3.7!

That's a goddamn GPA.

You understand that?

I got a DUI
and a scholarship!

I'm killing in this bitch!

I'm killing in this bitch!

Y'all ready
to get this show rolling?

Last up for the night...

Dre, just get up here.

Yeah!

Go kill it. Go do you.

- I will, I will. I got you.
- Kill it, baby.

Listen, it's 1:00 a.m.

It's tomorrow.

- Get this shit over with.
- Yeah.

What up?

Get 'em, Dre!

Give it up for the ladies.

You know what I'm saying?

That's... Yeah!

You know what's crazy?
You know what would be crazy?

Fucking Jay-Z at a
motherfucking McDonald's.

That shit would
be crazy as shit.

Hey, yo, can I
please get an apple pie?

Yeah.

I want an apple pie
and a large fry.

Yeah.

Shyeah.

I love Oreos, yeah.

It's a flurry.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dad?

Go back to sleep, buddy.

What is that?

A piano?

Yeah.

Well, you know,
it's not the real thing.

Duh, Dad. It says
Charmin on the side.

This is so dope.

Look, it's temporary,
you know.

I know you've been
falling behind in class

'cause you haven't
been able to practice.

I figure at least
you can practice

finger positioning
and building chords.

This is perfect.

Hey. Hey.

Don't get used to it,
all right?

All right.

Look, I'mma get you
something dope.

Believe that.

- I just gotta...
- I know.

Figure something out.

I say that a lot, don't I?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, I mean it.

- All right now?
- All right.

You're gonna be
like a little Mozart,

a little Amadeus.

That's what
they gonna call you.

Get excited, all right?

- Game time. Say "Game time!"
- Game time.

- Game time.
- Game time.

That's right.
Stick your chest out!

Stick your chest out
like this.

- Game time.
- There you go! There you go!

All right.

Morning, family!

What up, boy?

You good, baby?

I'm fine.

Good. Me, too.

Ooh, we got pancakes, huh?

Special occasion?

Well, my little guy here's
been working so hard in school.

And when people work hard,
they deserve pancakes.

So cute!

Great!

Can I have a pancake?

There's none left.

But there's
a stack right...

These are mine.

You know, uh...

I'm starting to feel like
you just made pancakes

to make it a point to
not give me pancakes.

Is that what's happening?

Got a lot of malice
in your walk there.

Boy...

if I don't teach you anything
else, you just remember...

when a woman says she's
fine, don't believe it.

All right. What'd you do?

Come on, Jaylin,
so I can get you to school,

before I go to work
at the job that I have.

Looks like it has something
to do with the job.

What?
Just get your book bag.

All right. Just saying.

Enjoy.

You ain't even gonna
crack it though?

So, while I'm at
my occupation...

what will you
be doing all day?

Oh, well, writing jokes.

Oh, I got this new idea
for a comedy video,

so I'mma go ahead
and produce that.

So, you just gonna
be sitting at home,

writing jokes...

doing comedy all day?

That's nice. That's good.

- Sky, why you gotta...
- Dre, Dre, Dre!

You got into
the LOL showcase.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Just slow down. Get it out.

You got into the LOL showcase.

What?

Hey, hey, takeoff,
I can't understand what you're saying.

I said, Dre, you got into
the Laugh Out Loud showcase.

- What?
- Yes!

I'm going to LA?

Well, we going to LA, man.
All expenses paid!

Air, hotel, rental car.

And I ain't talking about,
like, the little economy.

I'm talking about the SUV,
minivan, 4x4 category...

'cause they classy, Dre!

The seat's first class?
They gonna recline

all the way back
like this here?

Recline, dawg, like that!

Baby!

That's great.

That's great.

Just lost my appetite,
but that's great.

Hold on. Hey.

Ooh, pancakes!

Sky, why you hating?

I'm not.
I'm happy for you.

Well, it doesn't
seem like it.

Dre.

You always do
some big audition

or get props
on social media

and think it'
your big break.

We get all worked up thinking
it's gonna change our lives

and then nothing.

But it's different this
time. It's Cali.

- Cali, Sky. Cali.
- Maybe.

Or maybe the time spent
there chasing your dreams

is better off spent here
chasing a paycheck.

So what am I supposed to do?
I'm supposed to just stay here

and be a regular-ass guy
with a regular-ass job?

Not regular.

Reliable.

- See you tonight.
- Sky.

- Come on, Jaylin.
- Baby.

I'm proud of you, Dad.

Thanks, bud.

I can't go.

Bullshit! You gotta go.

- I can't, man.
- You gotta go, Dre.

No, no, no. I'm on thin ice
with her right now, man.

- I can't leave.
- I get it, man.

You are afraid that somebody

gonna hit that
while you gone.

Because, yes, tired women,

they are very vulnerable to
random dick. This is true.

Well, I wasn't thinking
about that,

but thanks for
putting it in my head.

Dre, you know
why you gotta go?

Because if you don't,

you will resent Sky
for holding you back.

Next thing you know,
you a old-ass man,

a janitor at a fucking
elementary school,

doing jokes for kids.

Or worse.

Or worse, I could be
security at the rec center.

Oh, my God!
Dre, that's even...

Oh, my God!
I'd be talking about some...

Putting the basketballs away.

Put the basketballs away!

And for what?
We ain't gonna do nothing but take

the balls back out
and play ball with them.

- That's right.
- It's fucking bullshit!

It will be bad for me.

Hey, you know what?

And Sky wouldn't want me
to live being unhappy.

Come on,
you are saving her

from a lifetime
with a bitter man

who blames her
for his failures.

I can't let her
live like that.

Hell no, you can't.

You gotta do what the fuck
you wanna do for her.

You know what? Forget it!

- We going to Cali!
- Hell yeah, we going to Cali!

- We going to Cali! We going!
- We going to LA, baby!

- We going to the west side!
- We going to the west side!

The west side is the best
side, motherfucker!

Yes! Maybe we'll tone down some of that.
You know what I'm saying?

'Cause we don't wanna scare
'em when we get on the plane

with the Tupac, right?

- Give me that goddamn pancake.
- Just gonna take the pancake?

Here, you take this
right here. Yes.

- Give me the fucking egg?
- Yes!

Oh! God!

Well, this is it.

Wish me luck.

Go win, Dad!

Yeah. Oh!

Got you something.

What's this?

That's my half of the rent.

You know, plus a little more.

Thanks.

Sky, come on.

I gotta do this.

I wouldn't be the man you
love if I stayed.

I don't know if the
man I love would leave.

It's Cali, bitch!

We in Cali, bitch!

Whoo!

What's up?
You feel me?

We in there, baby. Hold on.

Can I get in there?

Boom! Kill it!

What up, Sky?

Fuck we at?

Man, don't cuss, man!
It's my mama!

- Oh, my bad!
- This is my mama.

Welcome to the hotel, sir.

- Oh, okay! You know what?
- God dang!

We ain't even gonna trip.
We ain't even out here for that.

- Hello. How you doing?
- Hi. Good.

Checking in.

Name on the reservation,
please.

Sure, it's Deandre McDonald.

My boy.

It's not showing your name
in our system.

Really?

That's so weird.
It's totally in there.

Why don't you just
check again for me, okay?

Thank you.

Dre, you know what I hope?

I hope there's
a spa credit, man.

I want a massage.

I never had
a real massage, man.

- Yeah.
- I wanna get a Swedish...

I'm sorry,
it's not in our computer.

Maybe your reservation's
at another hotel.

Why would the reservation
be at another hotel?

Oh...

- Okay, I see what's going on.
- Ed, I...

No, I see what's going on.
It's all good.

I'm sorry,
I don't understand.

Yeah, this right here, this is,
like, classic racial discrimination.

Hey, hey, hey!
Hold on, man!

You see me and my boy.
Hold on, I got this.

You see me and my boy
come in here.

We got a little melanin
in our skin.

Now, all of a sudden,
y'all wanna lose...

Hi. Reservation for
Carl Johnson.

Welcome back, Mr. Johnson.

Yes, I have your room
right here

and it's a pleasure
having you stay with us.

Thank you.

But he's mixed.

Are you mixed?
Excuse me, are you mixed?

Sir? A little?

A quarter Cherokee
or something?

Mixed at all? No? Really?

He's mixed.
He's totally mixed. What?

He's black as shit.
Come on.

Come here.
I need to talk to you.

Can you give me just one second?
Thank you. I appreciate it.

What?

I'm trying to
work this out.

Yeah, but we don't have
a reservation.

- Who don't have a reservation?
- We don't!

- Yes, we do!
- No, we don't!

Why don't we have
a reservation, Dre?

- 'Cause I sold it.
- You sold...

Shh!

Sorry, just real quick.

Why would you sell
our reservation?

- For rent money, man.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay. So this isn't
racial discrimination?

No, no, no. It ain't
racial discrimination.

This is just a total fuck-up.
We ain't even staying here.

Okay, all right.

Hey!

Um...

- You having a good day?
- Great.

Great. Good, good.
What's your name?

- Tiffany.
- Tiffany!

Um, here's the thing, Tiffany.

As a black man in America,

I tend to experience
racial discrimination

at, say,
a higher rate than, say,

someone like you.
You know what I mean?

You got your blue eyes,
you got your blonde hair.

When's the last time you was,
like, discriminated against?

Besides right now?

You think I'm
discriminating?

God!

Dre, you had so many
opportunities to tell me!

You could've told me
at the airport.

You could've told me
on the plane.

You could've told me
when I was planning

my little bubble bath
and Jacuzzi!

Hey, I'm sorry!

Where we gonna stay, Dre? Hmm?

Man, look.
I don't know, man.

I gave the rest
of the money to Sky.

Well, I spent all my money
on these Jordans.

Don't look at me
like that, Dre.

How am I gonna pull a fancy
client wearing some ASICS?

I can't wear no ASICS!

That's when you go online, and you go
to one of those Chinese online things,

and you get yourself
some knockoff Jordans!

- You know what I'm saying?
- No, I don't.

With one of the little fat
niggas on the side like this.

That's what you get.

Don't make me
laugh right now.

- But you wanna laugh though.
- No, I wanna sleep right now.

I wanna get a massage right now.
That's what I wanna do.

But that's hilarious.

- That's so funny.
- Ah, uh, ah!

You smiling, you smiling!

No, no, no. Don't dap me.

This is not
a dap moment, at all.

Technically, all we need
is a roof over our heads.

Dre, you gonna make me
live in a car?

It's free.

"It's free! It's free, man!"

Marq, you ain't
gonna believe this.

Deandre McDonald is out here

for that
Laugh Out Loud showcase.

And who is Deandre McDonald?

Nobody.

Nah, he's the influencer
that made that video

dissing you and
The Secret Service Man.

Uncle Nico,
I'm just trying to remind him...

about the dude that was
talking shit about his movies.

You remember.

He said they was trash,
they was ass.

I was watching it
this morning.

What's your email?
I'mma send it to you.

Let me send it to you.

Jethro, get your ratchet
away from my feathers.

These are real feathers.

And why is your name
Jethro, anyway?

You're not a slave.

It was my granddaddy name.

He was gonna give it
to my uncle,

but he gave it to my
auntie, and then she...

Y'all want something
from craft service?

We want you
to get out of here.

I'mma get him some sunflower
seeds since he a bird.

Like I give a fuck about

what some internet
motherfucker say about me!

Sitting back there, judging.

How many views he got on that
Secret Service Man thing anyway?

Like barely any.

Mmm-hmm.

That's what I thought.
How many?

Like one...

million...

two hundred and forty...

and five...

thousand.

That's a lot.

- Is it?
- Mmm-hmm.

Really?

Look, I don't
care about him.

I'm sure my fans
don't care about him.

They don't.
They never have.

He does a good impression
of you, though.

Does he really?

Good. I'mma do a good impression of him.
Here it goes.

Deandre McDonald.

See that?

Wasn't shit.
'Cause he ain't shit.

He's a nobody.

Can't do an
impression of him.

You do an almost impression.

That was almost him
right there.

There he almost go again.

Nothing after nothing.

Do it one more time.

There he is again.
You see him?

Wish I could make a living
doing Deandre McDonald.

Again!

He's a weak-ass...

- fake-ass wannabe comedian.
- Yes, sir.

- And I'm the real thing.
- Yes, you are.

Original.

You understand the words
coming out of my beak?

Deandre McDonald is nothing.

Ghetto bird.

Ain't got no time
to be worried about him.

He'll never be the big bird
on the block, ya underdig me?

- Never.
- Never.

They say black people don't snitch.
Shit, I snitched!

I've been a snitch since
I've been 12 years old.

I remember my mother came
home from work one day...

and she told me and my
brother and my sister,

"I'mma whoop
everybody ass in here

"till somebody tell me
who broke my lamp!"

I looked her
straight in her face,

"Then no need to hit me.

"Matter of fact, grab that belt
and meet me in the kitchen."

I go, "Shit, I'm about
to tell you!

"You gonna cook me
something to eat!"

Are y'all ready
to continue this show?

Welcome to the Laugh Out Loud
Comedy Showcase.

One of these comedians
tonight will win

the opportunity
to tour around the world.

I'm Franklin,
your MC for tonight,

and we got some comedians

that's gonna come out here
and make you laugh.

So, start putting your
hands together right now!

Give it up for Miss Ebony!

Hey! What's up, y'all?

Yeah, please vote for me

so I don't wind up
on this pole.

You can tell when a friend
don't have your back

when they start
asking you stuff like,

"Um, you wanna
take a shot?"

You be like,
"A shot of what?"

He like,
"Patron and Hennessy."

"Together?"

"I ain't drinking
no Patrennessy!"

Mr. LaMont Keish!

One of my best friends
growing up

was this white boy
named Bobby Jack.

His dad would say some
borderline racist shit like,

"Don't you have
Bobby Jack out too late...

"or you're gonna have
to hang by yourself!"

Y'all weren't expecting
a black woman

to come up here
named Montana.

First thing I get
when I win is

I'm changing my name
to Keisha.

There's always that one
girl to save your ass like,

"Look like your friend
about to throw up.

"Y'all need to
get him outside."

You know when
gangbangers get mad?

They get like them John McCain arms.
You know what I mean?

Come on!

Are y'all ready
to continue this show?

I said, are y'all ready
to continue this show?

Our last contestant
is from Birmingham, Alabama.

You might recognize him from
all the crazy, crazy posts

he has on the internet.

We need a lot of energy and
we want y'all to have time.

You're up.
You got five minutes.

Go a second over,
you're disqualified.

Okay, cool. Thank you.

All right. You ready, baby?

Huh?

Boom! Kill it!

- Let's go. You ready?
- I'm ready.

Deandre McDonald!

Let's go!

What up?

What's going on, peoples?

I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.

- Uh, anybody been there?
- No.

- Anybody from there?
- No.

Good. 'Cause it sucks!

Like that shit suck bad,
and it's racist, too.

Birmingham, Alabama,
is racist as shit.

Like, white dude, right now.

When you come down there your
voice will probably be the GPS

that say this shit right here.
"Nigga, you moved the wrong fucking way."

That's the fuck
what would happen.

Eddie Murphy would be
a dope-ass GPS motherfucker.

Hey, hey, motherfucker,
wait, wait, wait! One second.

So your ass
was supposed to go south.

You were supposed to go south.
Your ass went north,

and now you sittin' here looking
stupid as a motherfucker.

You were supposed
to go to Texas.

You supposed to go to Texas.

You were supposed to be
in Texas, motherfucker!

But now you can't go to
Texas. You know why?

'Cause your ass
is at a different place.

You at a different
motherfucking place.

You at different
motherfucking place!

If you had listened,

you would've been
in the right place!

But now, you stuck.

I'm Deandre McDonald.

That's been my time.
Thank you all so much.

All right!

Give it up for Deandre!

So, can I have the following
contestants please step forward?

Ebony!

That's right, y'all!
That's right!

Thank you! Thank you!
I love y'all!

DeJuan Bickerstaff!

Whoo! I told you!
I told you! I told you!

You were right!
You were right!

- I'm a winner! I'm a winner!
- He's a winner!

LaMont Keish!

Paul Wilds!

And last but not least...

Montana Prestley!

Hold on, one second.

Actually, um...

I'm sorry, uh, Ebony.

Uh, you went over your time,
so, unfortunately...

you're disqualified.

What are you talking about?
I didn't go over my time!

I was on time!
What are you talking about?

You did, by 27 seconds.

The fuck are you
talking about, 27 seconds?

Whose fucking clock
were you using back there?

I am on time! I'm always
on time! I never go over!

Matter of fact, doctor told me
to push my baby out on three,

I pushed it out
on three, bitch!

Yeah. What?

I protest it.

Colin Kaepernick
up in this bitch!

That's right!
Take a knee, motherfuckers!

Take a knee!

I deserve to be up in here!
Everybody know it!

- Thank you. All right.
- Yeah! Thank you!

- Thank you so much.
- One more thing.

One more thing,
one more thing!

No, it's okay.

Follow me on Twitter,
Ebonyforreallaughs.

Thank you.

So, listen, that being said...

Uh, Deandre McDonald,
please step forward.

That was close.

I gotta tighten up my set,
come up with some new shit.

Man, you gonna be all right.
We got a couple days

till the next two rounds, man.

We gonna
get you straight, baby!

Another round of Cuervo
for the finalist?

Actually, the semi-finalist,
thank you very...

Oh, my, my, my, my, my!

Okay, yeah.

Let me look at you,
sweetheart.

You got your microwavable
black pants on,

that's what you got.

Oh, you got that
Zara shirt on. That's dope.

Are you Creole?
You look Creole. You Creole?

I love Creole food.

- Is he always like this?
- Yes.

Uh, yeah,
when he drinking Cuervo.

So you checked out my set?

- Mmm. Not just you...
- Uh-huh.

...but I peeped it.
You weren't bad.

Mmm-hmm.

You weren't good enough
to get through

without somebody else
getting disqualified.

- Oh, shit!
- Ooh! Damn!

- You're throwing shade like...
- Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, go ahead
and kick a brother

while he's down.
Yeah, sure.

Are you down?

No.

Yes?

Wait, what do you mean?

Wait, wait, wait! Don't go!
I am! I think.

Wait, what do you mean?

Oh. Wait a minute.

I just got tagged in
this post on Facebook.

Like I give a fuck

about what some internet
motherfucker say about me!

Is he talking about you?

- Deandre McDonald is nothing.
- Ooh.

Okay. I'mma take that
as a yes.

He's a weak-ass
wannabe comedian.

He'll never be the big bird
in the flock.

Yeah, this is great.

- That's great?
- Mmm-hmm.

What's so great about
the biggest comedy star

in the world
being mad at you?

Because the biggest
comedy star

in the world
is talking about me.

Oh, I see what you saying.

- Yeah.
- Congratulations!

- Are you about to...
- Yup!

- You about to drop some fire?
- Hell yeah. Let's do it.

Drop some fire, dawg.

Hey, yo, what up, y'all?
Real quick.

Did y'all see that video

where Marques Black
was talking shit about me?

We all saw the crow suit.

Bruh, let me tell you, really?

You comfortable
with that as an actor?

Playing a crow? Really?

My black ass can play a crow.
You know why?

Because I'm broke as shit

and I'll do anything
for money.

But I wouldn't let you
play a crow.

Yeah, exactly.

I wouldn't let you
play a crow.

You wouldn't. Dude, you
could've been a peacock.

Could've been.

- Could've been a flamingo.
- Yeah.

- Could've been a rooster.
- All day.

Some shit like that. Bruh?

Real talk, man.
Look, look, look.

Have some self-respect.

I could imagine
he was just sitting there

before his decision, right?

Hmm...

Should I play a racist,

jive-time walking, jive-time
talking fucking crow,

whose name happens
to be Jim Crow

and lives up in a tree?

Which is not a euphemism
for lynching at all.

Nah,
I ain't mad at you, Marques.

I'm mad at your whole team.
You know what I'm saying?

You need to fire everybody
in your corner.

Uh, thanks
for the shout-out, boo!

Smooches!

Oh, shit!

Wait a minute now.

You know
you gotta post that, right?

- We got to.
- Got to. Good shit.

That video,
I got over 25,000 views!

Why the fuck are you
hitting me so hard?

Don't hit me that hard.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait!
What, you, uh, out?

Yeah, I have a show to host.

Oh. What kind of show?

Comedy.

What?

I just figured,
when we were talking about

the showcase,
you would've mentioned it.

Well, I don't mention
a lot of shit.

Especially to guys
I don't know.

Well, you know me now.

Uh, no. Sorry,

I didn't mean to bump you.
You don't know her.

You just met her.

And then y'all talked
for two minutes,

and now you outside,
stalking her

in front of the club
in the heart of darkness

asking for her resume.

Dawg, you are the definition
of "stranger danger."

She shouldn't
tell you shit.

- He's not wrong.
- Hey, tell all your friends.

Can you please tell
all your friends?

Word?

- Thank you.
- You defending him?

You know what? I...

I just had someone
cancel on me tonight.

So I have an open slot

if you wanna work out
some material.

I'll take
whatever you give me.

Cool.

- Comedy Basement, 10:00 p.m.
- All right.

10:00 p.m. See you later.

I'll take
whatever you can give me.

You sexy as hell! How you doing, girl?
You can get it!

You come out
of a clinic crying,

I'll still pick you up.

I'll be in the car,

"That doctor don't
know everything!"

I can't remember
none of my passwords.

I changed all my passwords
to "incorrect."

I push any key,
"Your password incorrect."

Thank you.

I gotta get out of here.
I love y'all!

Wow.

All right, all right!
You guys having a good time?

Doing good?

Okay.

So, let's keep
the party going.

This next guy
is new to town...

and is a semi-finalist

in the Laugh Out Loud
Comedy Showcase.

Give it up
for Deandre McDonald!

Taylor Jones. Give it up
for her one more time.

Ah, shit.

I am so happy to be here, man.

I'm from, you know, from,
I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.

Small town, you know?

Anybody from there?

I am. What about it?

Oh.

Cool, that's...

You needed audience to say,
"No, we not from there,"

so you can tell us
all about it?

Yeah, man.

You got me.

Great.

Uh, well, if you're not
from Birmingham, Alabama...

consider yourself lucky...

- 'cause I'm gonna tell you...
- 'Cause it sucks, right?

It's gotta suck.

It's not funny
if it doesn't suck, folks.

Uh...

Yeah, man, it sucks.
It's terrible.

It's bad.

Not bad and boujee.

The shit just bad.

So you ever notice

that your girl's
kind of a hypocrite?

- Yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?

Thank you.

Thank you, Snoop Khalifa.
I appreciate that.

I appreciate that.

Think about that.
She is though!

She can get naked
in front of her friends.

- But as soon as I try...
- Soon as you do it,

it's a whole different story, right?
That's the punch line?

That was the punch line.
He is good!

Yeah.

All right.

Give it up for him trying to
be a comedian here tonight.

He did a good job,

except for the part where
he let a real comedian

come up and stop him
in the middle of his own show.

But let me tell them
what they missing.

Oh. Y'all was gonna love it!

It is the best hack shit
you ever heard!

So he's gonna tell us
all about relationships

and how hard those are. Right?

Then he's gonna segue
into differences

between black people
and white people.

Weren't you?

- Yeah.
- Yup, yup.

Then talk about rap music
so you could do

your little lazy
Jay-Z impression?

There it is. That's the one
I was talking about, yup.

You was gonna
talk about politics,

so you could do Obama, right?

I was gonna do Trump,
actually.

Obama is out and Trump is in.
How progressive of you.

He was gonna do
Tracy Morgan and Chris Rock.

Were they what you gonna do?

I was gonna do Mike Epps.
That's what I was gonna do.

- Yeah, of course you were.
- But you know what, man?

But Mike Epps
is probably doing Mike Epps.

Why don't you do you?

Do your shit.
Talk about your life.

But you can't,

'cause you practiced
this shit on YouTube!

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I get them views though.

He get
them views though.

Yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

If a dog took a shit
in the middle of this room,

wouldn't everybody view it?

That's your whole career,
my dude.

We look at you

when we waiting in line,
or we waiting on a Uber.

That's when you get a view.

When we taking a shit,

we view the shit,

then we view you.

Two views.

That's why
it's called number two.

You see how it's a real joke
crafted by a real comedian?

That's the difference there.
That's the difference.

I'm not viewed.
I'm an experience.

I'm here. I'm here.

That's places
you'll never get to

with this weak-ass shit
you serving

at the Comedy Basement
this evening.

Anyway, folks, I'm sorry
for bringing the mood down.

Drinks on me. Please enjoy
the rest of your night.

Thank you for coming.
God bless you. Good night.

It's still hot.
You might wanna use this one.

How much money
you think it was?

I think it was at least a G,
maybe 1500, right?

He just threw the money on the
fucking stage like it wasn't nothing.

Dre, did you see it?
Of course you saw.

You was right there.
He threw the fucking money in your face.

That's how I wanna be.
I wanna be like Marques Black.

Hey, Benedict Arnold. Huh?
Fuck Marques Black! Okay?

Oh, come on, man.
Don't hate.

Don't hate
'cause he got money.

He wasn't wrong!

Y'all YouTubers
don't appreciate

how much of an art
stand-up is.

You wanna win this showcase,

you better step it up 'cause
it's not a game out here.

Tell you
what ain't a game.

The fact that you cannot get
food in LA after 10:00 p.m.

That's how y'all stay
so fucking skinny.

You don't have access to
food late at night!

Maybe you better eat
some sleep!

I'mma have to. Shit!

I ain't got no damn money.
We broke, both of us!

- Here.
- Together!

Take this. For tonight.

Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.

No, thank you.
I can't accept money for doing shows,

while I'm doing
the showcase.

- Are you serious?
- It's not for your show.

Actually, you owe me money
for that bullshit,

so, come on,
it's just a few bucks for some food.

What type of Lady and the
Tramp cash grabbing...

- Let go! She's doing us a favor, man!
- What the hell?

God damn!

You weren't lying, boy.
It's just a few bucks.

But you know what?
Beggars can't be choosers.

I'll give you 10.
I'll keep 10.

Thank you, Taylor.
I appreciate this.

Hey, yo, wait up!

Come on!

What up, buddy?

Thomas in piano
is still messing with me.

What happened this time?

All I did was take
the piano you made me

to class so I could
show Miss Ellen.

Oh, Jaylin, you took
the cardboard piano to class?

Yeah.

Buddy,
that's an at home piano.

We don't show that
to anybody.

Well, I think it's cool,

but they just
kept on laughing at it,

saying that we can't
afford a real piano.

That's 'cause
it's not cool, Jaylin.

Didn't I tell you I was gonna get
you a dope set of keys one day?

Yeah.

Then believe that.

Just keep the cardboard piano
at home from now on.

- Okay?
- All right.

Now where's your mom?

She's right here,
reading her nurse book.

Go upstairs, baby.

What?

What up with you?

Nothing.

You pay the rent okay?

Yup.

Oh. I've been calling you.

So?

I made
it to the second round

of the showcase.

Cool.

Oh, I get it. Yeah.

So we in the one word
part of the fight, huh?

- Fuck you.
- Ha!

Two words! That's progress.

I can see you smiling!

Bye, Deandre. Bye.

You so chocolatey mocha...

Shit!

License and registration.

Morning.

Uh, morning, Officer.

You do realize
you're in a tow-away zone?

Oh, damn it!
Well, uh...

Well, can I park over there?

Not if you're gonna
fall asleep again.

Wait, are those braces?

What are you,
a dental hygienist?

Ain't you a little too old
to have braces?

You're not too old
to get shot.

Okay, turning the car on

and getting
the fuck out of here.

Not only did
the superstar rant about

the Instagram comedian,

he heckled him at the poor
kid's amateur comedy show.

This is all in
How to Be a Comedian 101.

He just began studying this,
as y'all can tell.

Yeah.

With the pressure of his
last few box office bombs

insiders suspect that Black
is feeling threatened

by the comedy newcomer.

I don't feel
threatened by shit.

Hmm. That's good.

If that was me, if somebody
was trying to replace me...

I'd be scared.

I'd be writing
my will right now.

'Cause if you play
it back, right?

- Jethro.
- If you look

- at what he said...
- Jethro.

If you wanna keep coming
to work with me...

shut the fuck up.

Sorry, Uncle Nico.

Shut the fuck up.

And what box office bombs?
I make hits.

Actually,
your last few movies,

they ain't even
on demand. Look.

If we go look for 'em...

Jethro...

I will have my dogs
eat you alive,

if you don't shut
the fuck up.

Marq, look, man.

You can't keep listening
to them people, all right?

'Cause they gonna make
a story about anything.

Another story gonna come
in the news

and it's gonna knock
this right out,

and ain't nobody gonna
be worried about this shit.

- Don't even worry about that.
- All right.

I would expect that
from you, Nico.

My man.

'Cause this your fault.

How's it my fault?

You got me in a situation

where I can't
trust nobody, Nico!

What have you managed
to do but surround me

by motherfuckers
I don't even fucking know?

I don't know her!

I don't know her!

I don't know
none of these niggas!

Right now,
in my very own house,

I could be talking

while a nigga's
filming me in my mouth!

Ain't nobody
filming you, Marq. Relax!

What you talking about?

Damn phone off!

Sorry.

This is a game to everybody
but me and Nico.

I need you to fix this shit.

What am I supposed to do
about that?

All right, well,
you the manager.

Manage this shit!

Uncle Nico.

You think his dogs
really be eating people?

That motherfucker almost
bit me when I came in.

I'mma shoot you.

I'mma shoot you
in the face.

You gonna shoot me?

I'mma shoot you
in the face.

Wow.

Dudes be thirsty
in Birmingham.

Uh,
don't flatter yourself, okay?

I'm working on my jokes.

Oh, so there wasn't another
bar in all of Los Angeles?

I guess if you did that,

you couldn't see
my pretty face.

Who said you were pretty?

That look on your face.

Busted.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

Well, sorry, country boy.
I don't have time to play.

I got work to do 'cause these
jokes don't write themselves.

Hey,
wait, wait, wait.

You write jokes?

Yeah.

I write, act, tell jokes.

I'm a one-stop shop.

Oh. Dope.

Just dope.

Uh, any help
with your material?

You know, I give
good notes, you know?

I am also known
for my excellent timing

and sardonic wit.

Sardonic wit?
Girl, that's a sex word.

If you don't get out of here,
in the words of Eddie Murphy.

Girl, you better go ahead

and get out of here
before something happens.

You know what I'm saying?

Listen, once you unload
Pandora's box,

once you open Pandora's
box, you can't close it.

That's right.
Once you unleash the kraken,

it's gonna be crackin'!

Now, go ahead and get up out of here.

No, stay. Now, go.

Now, stay, go. Stay, go.

I dated a bisexual chick.

Couldn't trust her ass
around nobody.

- Like that?
- No.

Ah! Yeah, my perky tits.

This has been a rough year, people.
Hasn't it?

I can't believe we have
allowed this to happen,

as a country.

As a black man,
I can't believe it.

As an American citizen,
I can't believe this shit.

I feel like it's
ridiculous.

I can't believe the Verizon
man switched to Sprint.

I never thought
that shit was gonna happen.

It's a bad time
to be a creep.

You cannot be
a creep anymore.

That goes for you, guy,
right here.

You can't be a creep.

You can't be a creep
anymore, man.

They getting everybody.

- Yo!
- Is this a diary?

No, it's not a diary.
I don't have a diary, okay?

Got a journal.

What y'all talkin'
about? How Dre got a diary?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Shut up, fool.

What? No, it's just where
he complain about shit.

Okay, wait.

You made your son a piano
out of cardboard?

Yes, I did.

I didn't have money
to get him a real one

and he had to practice.

Okay, this shit is hilarious!

Glad you find my failures
as a man funny...

- sweetheart.
- Honestly,

that stuff is funnier
than anything

you've said on that stage.

You should be using it.

Come on, you heard Marques
the other night.

Tell your truth

and make it funny.

Nobody's gonna care
about me being a shitty dad.

Yeah, except everyone
in the audience

that also feels
like a shitty dad.

Bruh,
let me tell you, really?

You comfortable
with that as an actor?

Am I gonna play
a racist crow

whose name
is actually Jim Crow

who lives in a tree,

which is not a euphemism
for lynching at all.

What should I do?

Hey, let's get it,
let's get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you going?

I thought you said
we was going to Taylor's.

No, no, no.
We ain't gonna do shit.

See, I'm gonna
go hang out with Taylor.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Dre, you don't even know
this girl, man. Okay?

She could be a temptress.

I could be leaving you alone

in the clutches
of a temptress.

When you make bad decisions,

it tends to reflect
poorly on me.

Oh, it's not gonna reflect
poorly on you, my brother.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
my best friend, my brother.

Appreciate it. Yeah.

Hope it's worth it.

Shit!

Expecting a call?

Huh? What?

- Nah, baby, I'm here with you.
- Mmm.

I know that,
and you know that.

But does she know that?

- Yeah, I peeped your socials.
- Mmm.

Who is Sky?

It's complicated.

Mmm.

Works for me.

Dre, you gotta take me
to the hospital!

What?

Nigga!

You gotta take me
to the hospital!

What? Why?

- Because I got cancer.
- You have cancer?

- No, he got cancer.
- I don't got cancer.

Wait. Do you have
anything else?

- No. Do you?
- No!

You know what?
Y'all don't sound sure

so why don't we all
get tested

before the fun stuff
and then we'll save

this visit for another day.

- Wait, no, no!
- We gotta go.

Let go, let go.
Go, go. Go, go.

Have a good night.

Cancer? That's the most
realistic excuse?

Dawg, I'm sorry.
It's all I could think of.

I just had to get you
out of there.

- I was good.
- Whatever, man.

All I know is that
if you fuck this up with Sky,

you gonna find
some way to blame me.

- Like you did with jorts.
- Hey. Jean shorts are a thing.

Not for your legs.

Oh, come on.
Don't talk about my legs.

- They're my mama legs.
- All right.

I don't know.
You could've interrupted

something real, bruh.

You know, I'm just saying,
Taylor gets me.

We care about the same things.

And she's fine.

- She's funny.
- And she's fine.

And everything is just
so easy with her, man.

With Sky, it's just
so difficult and complicated.

This might be
the one chance I got

to be with somebody

who wants
the same things as me.

And she's fine.

Fine enough to only see
your son on the weekends?

- No.
- Exactly.

But a lot of good things
happen on the weekends.

Uh, Saturday morning cartoons.
Football. Bottomless mimosas.

- Yeah.
- What?

Yes, yes, y'all.

So good.

Go, baby, go.

Oh, yeah!

So, let me see
if I got this right.

So, a black man
shucking and jiving...

in a crow suit
with gold chains

is absolutely hilarious
to y'all?

Oh, come on.
No one thinks that.

I mean,
you're killing it.

What do y'all think then?

We think that you're a
comedic genius

who can do whatever he wants.

I'm with you.

He can do whatever he wants.

I wanna quit.

Uh, well, uh,
you have a contract.

Yeah, well,
fuck the contract.

If the contract means
I gotta do this...

I just can't do it.

Look, we didn't mean
any disrespect.

Marques, look,
you're taking a beating in the press.

Okay, we get it.

If you want us to handle
this McDonald kid, we got it.

Josh, I told you
not to mention that.

What y'all gonna do anyway?

Rough him up in the alley
or somethin'?

Just get the fuck
outta here. Now.

- Okay.
- We're sorry.

And we're going
to leave right now.

That way. That way.

Back on my phone.

So, let me get this straight.

We are walkin' away
from a $20 million paycheck

because you're mad
at a social media influencer?

Who does that?
What are you doin'?

What are you doin', Marq? Yo.

We're not walkin' away.

I am.

Turn this shit off.

Look at this punk.

Jaylin, what happened?

I got into a fight. Cool, huh?

No. Come on, boy, you know you
ain't supposed to be fighting.

Did you win?

I think so.

Oh, that's my boy. Yeah.

It was that kid
from piano class, huh?

Yeah. I ain't no punk.

I know you ain't
no punk, boy.

You got hands
like your father.

They're Muhammad Ali hands.
That's what they are.

You float like a butterfly,

sting like a bee.

You're the world's greatest.
And you're pretty.

Your head got baby hair.

- It's nice.
- You're grounded, boy.

Go brush your teeth. Fast.

Baby, don't be
so hard on the boy.

I wouldn't have to be

if his daddy was here
to do it for me.

Oh, so I'm
a deadbeat dad now, huh?

You know
that's not what I meant.

Sky, I'm out here taking
care of my business.

Why can't you just
help me do that?

You know what, Deandre?

If you're taking care of you,
and I'm taking care of you...

who is taking care of me?

I will.

As soon as I win this
showcase and get back.

Sky, come on.
This isn't us.

You know I got your back.
Why can't you just have mine?

Can you do that for me? Baby?

♪ Can you do that for
me, baby? ♪

♪ Baby

Stop!

You know I don't like
when you start singing.

Okay.
Hey, is the boy gone?

Yeah.

Let me see your titty.

Just whip it out.

Show me a nipple
or somethin'.

I need that. It's my life.
They're nice and chocolatey.

Psych! Bye!

Boy crazy.

You believe this shit?

Me neither. I can't believe

the Verizon man
switched to Sprint.

I never thought that shit
was gonna happen.

- Boy is stupid.
- I was like...

Who the hell? What?

What the hell?

I mean, if you into
that kind of thing.

Look at this bitch
one more time.

Oh, shit.

Oh, boy.

Never been so happy
to see a bed in my life.

Right?

You sure
we won't owe nobody?

Oh, I'm positive, Dre.

Pretty sure somebody
let it slip

that we lost
our hotel room somehow

and we been sleeping
in our car.

Who you think let it slip?

Oh, it was me, Dre.
I let it slip.

Of course.

No.

No, no, no, no.

What? What?

- No! No.
- What?

- No. No. No.
- What?

No, man. Taylor just tagged
a pic of me on Facebook.

- And Sky saw it.
- How you know she saw it?

Because, nigga,
she just liked it.

Well, that means
that she saw it

and she wants you
to know she saw it.

Oh, shit.

Okay.
It's fine. It's fine.

Ain't no problem. Ain't no problem.
I'll just delete it.

It never happened. Her eyes
are playing tricks on her.

So now you playing her
and you think she's stupid?

Look, Dre. That's what
she's gonna say to you.

Oh, look,
she typin' somethin'.

On the picture?

Hilarious.

"Who is Taylor?"

Straight to the point.
You gotta love her.

Okay, I gotta...

Okay, bye!

- Straight to voicemail.
- Oh, shit.

Let me see.

All right. "Don't call
me. Who is Taylor?"

Okay. Let's not panic.

Let's not panic.
Take a deep breath.

Okay, okay.

You just gotta tell her
who Taylor is, okay?

And Taylor is, uh...
She's a stand-up comic.

You're right!
Facts, facts, okay.

Type that, type that!

She's a comic.

What is she saying?

I don't know but
she's saying somethin'.

The little message bubbles
popping up.

- She's saying somethin'.
- I can't stand

- the message bubbles.
- Yeah, me neither.

I don't want nobody to know
when I'm typing shit.

Invasion of privacy.
I don't even like it.

Yeah. Right?

Are you...

Are you...

"Are you fucking her?"

Because of me,
you can answer that question honestly.

You're right.
'Cause I didn't.

You did not.

- I was good. Chastity belt, nigga!
- Come on.

- Let her know.
- Yeah. Okay.

No.

"So why she calling you

"a 'cutie at
work' for no reason?"

Let me get that.

I don't know
who she thinks I am.

Okay. So you're
keeping it vague.

- Yeah.
- That's nice, that's nice.

"Don't be vague with me."

Sky's smart as fuck though.

"What are you really
doing out there?"

Because I'm trying to...

I'm out here
trying to make moves.

Why can't you believe that?

She answering?

Well, nah, not yet.

But the bubbles
are popping up again

for the messages,
so, you know.

So, just gonna...
Come on.

Mmm? Mmm?

What the fuck, man?
Is she writing a novel?

What the fuck?
I don't know, man.

But she better hurry up.
My phone about to die.

God damn.

"If you say so"?

- And that's it?
- Yeah.

But the message bubbles,
they was...

Man, you know what?
Fuck it, man.

Been blowing me off
since I left the house.

I don't even know
if we still together.

I ain't gonna worry
about this. Ha!

Big dog.

Ain't gonna run
my blood pressure up.

You know what?
Nah, I need to go ahead and see.

Anticipation is gonna
drive me insane!

I'm just gonna call her.

Okay? Deep breath.

Hi, baby.

So, maybe you should just
give me a call, huh?

Huh, you know how...

You know how things
get lost in translation

when you sendin' messages.

My phone's about to die,

but I'm at the new hotel
in West Hollywood...

uh, room 945.

Give me a call.

I love you. Baby.

Give me the phone.

The fuck is wrong with you?

- Since when you start...
- Wait. She's typing something.

Hmm? What's it say?

"Fuck you."

Clear as day.

I told you.

So, check,
I had an audition

- the other day, right?
- Uh-huh.

I'm no Meryl Streep
but people know me.

The first thing they
asked me is how many likes

do I have on my Instagram.

They got
these Instagram stars.

They got
maybe three minutes...

Spotify?

Spotify is music, man.
It ain't that.

Whatever the hell it is,
they got it.

At least know
what the damn thing is.

See, that's why
you not in the game.

You don't even know what it is.

You know what Instagram
used to be? On the street...

"Hey, I heard that bitch
is funny. Go see her."

That was it.

And you know
what a phone used to be?

That was somebody
who was gonna kill you,

or a sexual predator.

That's what I like.

I can't allow these
internet up-and-comers

to just come in
and start regulating.

I don't understand
what they've done.

If that means I gotta
go back on the road,

then we'll make it
on the road.

That's right.

I ain't mad at you.

I stay on the road.
I live on the road.

These kids don't wanna
be on the road.

They wanna get famous.

Now.

I don't understand
how they're in our lane.

We're not in their lane.

- That's all I'm saying.
- You don't get it. When we were young,

they thought
we were crazy.

But, no, that was 1906,
when you was young.

You shut the fuck up.

You've got to listen
these days.

Young kids can
learn from you.

You can learn from them.

How you gonna listen?

The kid that you're having
a problem with,

maybe you should become
his friend, be his ally.

You never know. He might be
the next big thing coming up.

Hey, Marques, you haven't been
on the road in about 10 years.

It's gonna be so epic.
First of all, you write your stuff up,

you go in the clubs,
and they go...

"Ooh! There's a Marques sighting.
Ooh!" And they show up.

And get the little internet kids.
Matter of fact, use them.

Use them to
help you go viral.

That's what I'm telling you!
Didn't I say that?

No, you ain't
say it that way.

I'm doing a better way
than what you said.

Let them make you viral too.
Let them make you viral too.

Them young kids know
how to do that shit.

Y'all used to go together?
'Cause y'all acting like two bitches.

- Did you call me a bitch?
- Yes.

I can't call you bitch,
because calling you bitch is wrong.

No, call me a bitch.

If we put this
on the internet,

we could be viral.

You know what? Where is
my chicken wings? God damn it!

Look, y'all gonna take care
of the check?

- What?
- Yes, yes, yes.

I just turned down 20 million.
Y'all know I ain't got it.

Yes, yes. We got you.

Hey, Sinbad,
where you going?

To pay the check.

We've talked
to Thomas's parents,

and they just want an apology

from Jaylin
for his part in all of this.

Yes, he'll apologize.

No, I won't.

Excuse me?

I'm not sorry I fought him.
He was talking mess about dad.

Saying that
he doesn't have money

and that he's a loser...

and that he's never
gonna give me a piano.

Jaylin, he might not, sweetie.

You just don't
believe in him.

You think I don't believe
in your father?

You didn't want him
to go to LA.

You don't know
what he's doing out there.

He's doing
what he said he would.

He's following his dreams.

Look, I'm sorry. If we
could just get back to...

Of course, hold on.

Jaylin, do you think
I believe in you?

I do. I believe
in the both of you.

Jaylin's not apologizing.

And, you know,
maybe instead of asking my son

to apologize
for defending his father,

you should talk
to the other kid

about disrespecting
Jaylin's dad.

When Thomas is ready
to apologize to my son,

you know where we are.

Come on, baby,
let's bounce.

That was so dope.

I know, right?

So, we're just
gonna walk out?

Yes, and then I'm going
to see your daddy.

You want some ice cream?

Pee-wee
Herman just got busted

for jacking off
in a porno theater.

Didn't you think jacking off

and porno theater
went together

like a unspoken marriage?

That's like saying,

"He ordered fries,
and he ate them too."

"Did he? What a monster."

You feel something sticky
on the floor,

that's probably not popcorn.

You should just walk
a little faster.

I was pretty good,
wasn't I?

Marques to go.

Mr. Black.

I have a Mr. McDonald here
to see you.

Mr. McDonald?

Thank you, Alfred.

- That's Alfred. What's up, man?
- You for real?

Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

Oh, no problem.
Is that a golden microphone?

Sure is. Marques has used
it in every one of his shows

since his first
big concert special.

Marques Black Uncensored.

Yeah, I might have
seen that one.

You might have
seen that?

Yeah, okay.
Everybody's seen it.

Yeah, everybody.

I'm gonna leave
you two alone.

I'll be damned.

Come on, boy.

Let's go outside.

Sure.

Gave that $20 million back.

What you do that for?

Well,
'cause you were right.

I lost sight of myself
just focusing

on making that money.

Forgot I was being
who they wanted me to be,

instead of who I truly am.

Well, I'm glad I could
teach you something, playboy.

Yeah, well, I don't mind
learning from my mistakes.

Speaking of mistakes...

I should've been
the bigger person

in this situation we got here.

You young,
rough around the edges,

but you're talented.

And I could've
been helping you,

instead of trying
to destroy you.

Listen, man,
no offense. Thanks.

But, listen, I'm not your little
project, all right?

I'll get to where I
need to be on my own.

Yeah, well, see,
when I was breaking in

we had to learn
from the greats.

I had to learn
from Redd Foxx.

I had to learn
from Richard Pryor.

I was out there fetching
Eddie Murphy's coffee.

Well, look, it's a new day.

It's a new time,
it's a new era.

Ain't nobody gonna be
shining your damn shoes.

I get all the views
I need to get

on this thing right here.

So you don't need us
'cause you got followers?

Exactly.

Look, you gotta
look to your past

to understand
your future, young blood.

I am the future, old man.

You're scared.
That's what it is.

Finally. I couldn't figure
out what was really going on,

but that's what's
behind the arrogance,

and the angry rants about me.

This is all some

"fight the biggest dude
on the yard...

"so everybody doesn't
see how scared I am."

Listen, man,
I definitely ain't scared.

I know fear,
and it's all in your eyes.

Yeah.

And what you're really
scared of is failure.

'Cause you convinced
everybody

around you
to believe in you,

and you don't believe
in yourself.

You know what? We'll see
who's scared,

when I win
that showcase tonight.

We'll see who's scared then.

If you was
who you saying you were,

you wouldn't give a fuck
about a showcase.

But, uh...

But don't be late for
your little showcase, playboy.

Good luck out there.

All right, Dre. I'm leaving
you another message, dawg.

How the fuck are you gonna be
late to your own showcase?

You got to get here, man,
before you fuck up my whole plan.

No management company,
no Sarah Silverman,

no nothing, dawg.

Come on, man,
this is very black of you.

Where the fuck have you been?

I don't even know.

I don't even know
how to explain it.

Dre, are you high?

- Huh?
- You look high. Are you high?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, my fucking God, dawg.
Come on, man. Get it together.

McDonald, you're up.

- Okay.
- All right, this is it, baby.

Look, I'm live-streaming
this whole round.

Been promoting it all day.

Everybody is gonna be watching,
so you know what you've got to do.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Huh?

Boom! Kill it!

Let's do this.

Let's go,
let's go. I'm ready.

- Do your thing, baby.
- Yes, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

What's up, Dre?

- What up, bruh?
- You all right?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
- Do your shit, bruh.

Fo' sho. Fo' sho.

It's my time, motherfucker.

Let's go.

Glad I'm not
in this competition.

I'd be back there scared.

Y'all ready
for another comedian?

Well, let's bring him up.

Put your hands together
for Deandre.

Oh, man.

What a day. What a day.
What a day. What a day.

Um...

Uh...

I just came from
Marques Black's house.

Did I say house? I meant
to say palatial estate.

Marques Black's house
is so big

this motherfucker has slaves.

Like, I seen
three niggas picking cotton.

Like, what the fuck is this?
Where is Quentin Tarantino?

Is this fucking Django?
What is happening?

I'm saying, look...
And this is not even the set

that I was normally
gonna do, all right?

I mean, usually I would've worked
this shit out in my journal,

but I just came from Marques
fucking Black's house

and honest to God,
I'm still trying to process this shit.

So if I could
work it out with y'all,

I would love to.
Is that cool?

All right.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Hey, can I go talk to him
for a second

and find out
what's going on?

Sorry. The clock's
already started.

Me and Marques Black got this
internet beef going, man.

And I done talked
shit about him.

I talked about his movies.
I talked about his height.

I done talked
about everything, man.

And you know what, man?
Marques Black, even though,

even though his movies
are trash as fuck...

uh, he's cool as hell.

Got a cool house,
with cool shit.

He's got a solid gold
microphone in a case.

A solid gold microphone?
The fuck?

Like, yo, God don't even
use a solid gold microphone.

God's microphone he uses
to talk to us is gold-plated.

He got
a solid gold microphone.

What the hell, man?

So he's talking to me
about being great, right?

And he tells me
that I'm scared of failure.

And I was like,
"Wow! Scared of failure."

Who says that to somebody?

I wanted to be like...

"Nigga, how did you know
I was scared of failure?"

Nah, but you know I ain't
say that. I ain't say that.

You know, 'cause
I'm tough. I'm a man.

Had to put on
that tougher side.

So, I was like, "Man,
what the hell are you talking about?

"Ain't nobody
fucking scared.

"I ain't scared.
What? What?

"Let me
tell you something, bruh.

"Let me tell you something.
Let me tell you something, little buster.

"Let me tell you something,
little buster."

He said I don't believe
in myself.

I wanted to look at him
and be like,

"Who keeps telling you
all these secrets?

"Are you a spirit
whisperer?

"How do you know this shit?"

And nobody ever tells you

when you go
to Marques Black's house

that he gonna give you
a divine intervention, right?

Look, they need
to tell you that

before you drop your keys
off to his valet.

At his house, 'cause he got
a valet at his fucking house.

And the valet be looking at
you, talking about some...

"Hey, hey, hey, hey!"

This old-ass nigga
about 200 years old.

"Hey, be careful.
That nigga know your heart."

Like, huh, what the fuck?

He knows my heart.
Is he Jesus or something?

What's happening?

Look, man. My girl, man...

My girl is
the fucking best, man.

I can understand
why she's frustrated.

You know, 'cause
I'm out here talking about

I'm chasing my dreams.

I ain't chasing shit.

Really. I'm just doing
free internet videos

and beefing
with celebrities for free.

Meanwhile, she got a check.

And she taking care
of the house,

taking care of our kid,

trying to further
better herself.

You know what I'm saying?
Just being an adult.

And I'm just out here
doing stupid shit, man.

Our relationship is synonymous
to Jay-Z and Beyonce.

If Beyonce would've
married DMX.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm like, "Hey, yo!
Hey, yo! Hey, baby!

"Hello!

"Baby, baby,
can I get some money?

"Can I get
some allowance money

"so I can do
my few dumb videos?

"I mean, even though it's free
and it's coming out of you,

"please help out me, boo."

I love her.

We expect a woman to accept
us for all our bullshit.

I mean,
so much bullshit, too.

We talking about... We talking about
joblessness, womanizing, poverty.

Meanwhile, as soon as
she does that, what we do?

Leave her for a chick
with a fatter ass.

And it don't even got to be
really much that fatter.

It's just the margin of one
percent of a fatter ass.

That shit could
change an election.

You know what I'm saying?

Just that one fucking percent.

I'll be sitting with my girl
sometimes and I'll be like,

"What the fuck
are you doing here?

"You can do
way better than me.

"Do you believe in yourself?

"I believe you can get
in a better relationship.

"Maybe we need
to talk to Marques Black

"to have an intervention

"cause I don't know
what the fuck

"you are doing here
with me right now."

But you know what, folks?
It's not supposed to be easy.

'Cause if it's easy,
it's not worth it.

You feel me? That's why
I'm so hard on my girl.

'Cause I'm worth it.
You know what I'm saying?

Nah, I'm just fucking
with y'all.

Baby, please go out there
and find your damn Jay-Z.

Because DMX still got
some soul-searching to do.

You know what I mean, nigga?

Thank you so much.

I'm Deandre McDonald.
That's my time.

Thank y'all so much.
Appreciate it.

Thank you, man.

- Dre! Dre!
- Yo!

The fuck was that, man?

I had some shit I had
to get off my chest, man.

That shit was lit, baby.

Yeah, I'll call my baby up.

- Come on, go ahead, go ahead.
- Cool, cool.

I'll record it.

Okay, bye.

Baby, hit me back.
Baby, I did it.

I killed it.
I got a standing O

talkin' about my shit.

I can't believe it.
I fucking did it!

Okay, hit me back.
Soon as you can.

All right? I love you.
All right.

- Bruh...
- Dawg...

- What? What? What?
- Did you hear 'em?

Come on, man, let's go.

All right,
all right, all right.

Look, when I call your name,
please step forward.

DeJuan Bickerstaff.

That's what I told ya!

Montana Prestley.

LaMont Keish.

And last but not least...

Paul Wilds!

Hey, excuse me?
Excuse me? Judge?

He should be
in the next round, man.

You heard the crowd.
They love him.

Yeah, he was hilarious,
and we did too.

But apparently he took money

while he was performing
in the showcase.

Taylor Jones. Look, man, I didn't get
money for her showcase, all right?

She just gave us money
for food.

Well, if there's
a misunderstanding,

you should take it up
with her.

Round three starts
in, uh, two hours.

What the fuck?

- To us.
- Wait.

Why is Taylor talking
to Marques' manager,

your mortal enemy?

So we're working together?

Something ain't
right about this.

I think I know what exactly
isn't right about this.

You do? Like,
you figured it out already?

God damn! You quick, bruh.

A show coming up.
That's right. Oh.

Taylor.

Whoa-ho-ho!

It is the internet kid,
everyone.

You and Marques set me up.

How'd you do? Did you win
that little contest?

No, I didn't win,
'cause she played me.

Look, it wasn't personal,
all right?

He offered me representation
if I helped him.

You know what, Taylor?

You know damn well I didn't
get paid to be in your show.

Oh. Was that how
she pulled it off?

I never got the details.

But I like it.

Turn the car around, please.

Look, I'm sorry, Dre.

He's gonna
help me break in.

Right, Nico?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll put in some calls,

but, uh,
I can't promise nothing.

But you said that you...

Hold on. Yo, what's good?
Hold on for a minute.

Hey, uh, McDonald. Uh...

It's over.

Have a safe,
safe flight back home.

And next time
you're out here,

be careful
who you fuck with.

You know what?
I'm tripping.

There probably won't be
a next time.

And, um, take her with you.

Yeah?

Hope it was worth it.

And we keeping the $20.

Live-streaming that
show killed my battery.

Dre, I gotta crick in my neck

from sleeping
in a fucking minivan.

I got it, I got it.

- Go, go, go.
- God damn!

Wait.

Baby...

Oh! Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Damn, baby...

Wait a minute now.
What's up with this?

What you doing here, baby?
Where's Jaylin?

With my mom.

Baby, I saw the show.
You were amazing.

So funny and honest.

Stop.

It's not just about me,
and it should never be.

Baby, I've been
so caught up

on what I want that I ain't
even consider what you need.

Well, I've been
so in my feelings,

it's been hard for me
to have faith in your vision.

But I do.
Baby, you are so talented.

You're doing exactly
what you should be.

Well, I'm done
with all that.

I ain't cut out for this.

No, I know
you're not giving up.

Not after everything
we done been through.

Boy, the Dre I know
would never quit.

Not the Dre I know.

He quit tee-ball,
junior varsity basketball.

Veganism. That lasted a day.

Mind your business!

Yep.

I got disqualified
from the showcase.

What am I supposed to do?

Figure it out.
You always do.

Hell, as long as you get back
at that shady-ass Nico.

Wait, how'd you know
Nico was shady?

- It was on the livestream.
- It was?

Yes, and all that stuff
about Taylor.

Matter of fact, fuck that bitch
for trying to sabotage you.

Wait, wait, wait.

She ain't even cute,
to be honest.

Whoa, the whole Nico
conversation was on livestream?

Mmm-hmm. Now, stop saying his
name, 'cause he's dead to me.

That's the proof I need
to show that I was set up.

Eddie, you recorded
that livestream, right?

What am I,
a amateur live-streamer?

Yeah, I recorded that shit.

If I can get that footage
to the judges,

they gotta let me back
in the showcase.

We only got, like, an hour
before the final round starts.

Not without us.

Look at us,
out in these streets.

Let's go!

Yo, hey, wait,
look at us. Huh?

We running around
Hollywood and shit.

Just want y'all to know
I love y'all.

What you want?
A Drake compilation album

to go with that damn
speech of yours?

It got real sugary up in here.

Right, right.

Baby, baby. Baby, look.

I've been a idiot,

but you're the only
one for me.

Oh, baby,
I know.

I'm fine as hell.

You are. You gonna get it
when we get back.

After you
win the showcase.

Damn right. Let's go.

Welcome to the final round of
the LOL Comedy Showcase.

Now, one of these comedians
are going on a 30-city tour.

That's right.
A 30-city tour.

Now, without
any further ado...

Damn, man.
They already started.

No, no, no. You know what?
I got this.

Everybody, get down!

Oh, my God! He got a gun!
Take my money!

What they doing?

You can't say "get down"
in LA, dumbass.

Why not?

Because they'll think
you got a gun.

Why would I have a gun?

I was trying to tell
the comedians to get down

'cause I want my boy,
Deandre, to get on the stage.

You know damn well

I didn't get paid
to be in your show.

Wait a second!
Don't boo!

You need to show him
the video of Nico.

What if they don't
believe me?

Oh, shit!

Who's that?

You look good, baby!

You the man, Marques!

Thank you, everybody.
I appreciate it.

I appreciate it. I do.

Uh, this is an interruption,
and I'm sorry for that.

But somebody
was disqualified earlier

and they should not have been.

And so I came
to make this right.

It's my pleasure
to introduce a guy

who is not just a friend,

but may one day
be my successor,

if he doesn't fuck this up.

Please give it up for Deandre
McDonald, ladies and gentlemen.

You got this, baby.

Go, Dre!

I don't know what to say.

Just be great.

Let's go.

Well...

I got a golden
microphone, bitch!

Then all the kids
started bragging about

who's coming to see them
at the recital.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Mom, do you think
Dad will be home by then?

It's a tough one, baby.

He's got a lot of
days left on his tour.

Are you hungry?

I can make you something.
Your favorite.

Mmm. Okay.

Come on.

Dre?

- For real?
- Dad?

- You got me a piano?
- Yeah!

That's you and that's yours.
I bought that.

Love you, Jaylin.

Love you too, Dad.

Yeah!

Baby...

Uh-huh.

You don't know how to do
nothing like that.