Two of Every Kind (2017) - full transcript

Next.

On behalf of Noah Shipwrights,

I wish you a pleasant voyage.

Next.

What? Where are you?

Oh.

Married?

For now.

"Approved"

Next.

Aah! -Sorry.

Hello. -Well?

Sorry, coming through.

What's your problem? -Sorry.

Ouch! Move.

Sorry. Excuse me.

We're here.

It's so crowded today.

Sodom is the next right.

What a bitch.

Sodom, my ass.

Please make way,

I have a long day ahead.

No problem, just sign and we're outta here, honey.

Cut the crap.

Next, folks.

Next.

Here we go again,

next thing you know they'll say we're...

Shh! Cut it out.

Don't make a scene.

This is too much..

Let me handle this.

What's the problem, sister?

What?

No problem, it's just...

Look, you seem very...

Very...

Nice.

But as it says in our brochure,

we're looking for...

Couples.

So? What are we?

Yeah, what are we?

Yes, but...

Here we go. But what?

No, say it. But what?

But you...

You aren't... -We aren't what?

You aren't...

Aren't what? Speak up, dear.

You aren't male and...

You aren't a family.

Didn't I say we should leave early?

Didn't I?

I knew it.

One moment.

Where is it...?

Oh, here.

"Therefore man will leave his father and mother

"and unite with his wife

"and they will become one flesh."

"His wife."

Yes...

Furthermore,

the ark management respects all animals

and wishes them good luck in the future.

I've had enough. Let's go.

And then what?

End up as boiled chicken?

I'm not going anywhere.

What's going on?

We're gonna drown here.

Bitch

Dear passengers,

last call for passengers on Ark 001

to Mt. Ararat.

I'm not waiting any more. Let's go.

Folks, please,

follow the instructions and wait in line.

Honey,

I'm not doing this for myself, okay?

I'm an amphibian. I'm doing this for you.

I don't have to call Noah.

Do you want me to call Noah?

Want me to call Noah?

Hey, lady, do you want to become extinct?

Do you want to become extinct?!

Wait up

Are you coming or not?

I'm running as fast as I can!

Hey, open up.

Open up

I'm not happy about this.

I'm not happy...

We're gonna...

We're gonna die here. That's it, we're done for.

Shh. Relax.

Nobody died yet.

What's the worst that could happen?

Aaahh!

God help me...

Whoa, check her out.

Like, I don't mind leopard stripes,

but not all day every day, babe.

He's a leopard.

Do you always have to contradict me?

Can't you just

agree with me sometimes?

Whoa, check it out.

And they say

he hates us.

Ay, que lindo!

Check out the giraffe,

honey, you're 10 feet tall,

you don't need to show off

in your heels. -Whoa..

Totally.

Check out the zebra,

she looks like a crosswalk.

Skinny, skinny, skinny.

God gave her a bod

and kicked her in the face.

Totally.

A face like a camel.

Hey, there's Sara the lioness,

she was my preschool teacher.

Get outta here!

Old age doesn't suit her...

Check out the elephant.

She's two years pregnant.

Honey, she gave birth already,

but don't say that to her face.

No way?

And she still looks that way?

It's a very, very

sensitive subject.

She's a cow, not an elephant.

Ugh, this crate is killing my back.

Oh what a crybaby, hon,

what's 40 days in a crate

after 20 years in the closet?

Ahhh, you're so nasty...