Two Ways to Go West (2020) - full transcript
After surviving his Vegas bachelor party, Gavin - recovered drug addict and former TV star - and his childhood friends return to their hotel room. He finds that his unresolved past plus his...
- You're right.
And all you have to do is not doit.
That's all you have to do, is
not do it.
Just don't do it.
You look in the mirror,
you open your mouth
and you stick out your tongue,
and oh, it's too late, it's toolate.
I'll quit tomorrow.
And then you do, you do.
But you're never not an addict
though.
[dramatic music]
You're just waiting for an
excuse to use.
And then something comes
along and gets you clean.
So you think, it just swaps,
just swaps.
[clanking]
[soft music]
♪ I'm trying so hard not
to love him too fast ♪
♪ Round up all the horses
and race 'round the track ♪
♪ Well, life's a round
reality and never look back ♪
♪ Want a real hard love
that's better than that ♪
♪ I'm trying so hard not to burymyself ♪
♪ Beneath the dirt and the
flowers of somebody else ♪
♪ Yeah, beauty is blinding
and darkness runs deep ♪
♪ Wanna hold onto him
and still hold onto me ♪
♪ Cocaine and whiskey rye
♪ They don't even compare
to how love makes me high ♪
♪ So I won't push my love
♪ I'll sober up
♪ I won't feed off of it 'til itdies ♪
♪ Mm mm mm mm mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm
♪ I'm trying so hard to
stay right where I am ♪
♪ I'll drive my mind in
reverse to speed up ahead ♪
♪ Breakdown on a road that
just leaves me for dead ♪
♪ Want the peace of the present♪
- Hey.
♪ To steer me instead
- What's up, what are you doing?
- You know what?
I can't do this thing.
Can you help me get
this, man, you're better?
- [Shane] Marty, you
didn't bring a clip on?
You should know how to tie a
tie.
- Well then fuck you,
pal, I'm not wearing it.
- You gotta wear it, man.
- Anyway, so now she's
still ringing the phone,
and still nothing.
- Well, yeah, he's not
gonna stop that affair.
- No, no, no, here's the
punchline.
This guy was out on the fuckinglake fishing all morning.
- Fishing?
- He was out on the Lake
fishing.
He missed a day's pay, okay.
A strike against him.
Who knows what with his fuckingugly wife.
All so he can go sit out
on the lake, and what?
Go fishing.
- That's it?
- That's it, just wanted to
fish.
He didn't even feel bad.
- Did he catch anything?
- [Marty] I don't know, that's
not the fucking point, man.
- Then what's the point, Marty?
- The point is you don't listen.
- I'm listening!
All I'm saying is if he had
reeled in a three foot pike,
then maybe it was worth his
trouble.
- Getting ready for what?
Getting ready for your show?
Yes, I'm excited, I'm
excited to see Marty.
I miss him, so, that'll be fun.
They may have like a yacht
thing set up, I don't know.
You know how San Francisco is.
- Will you relax, bro?
He just text me a half hour
ago, he just got into Vegas.
I don't know why we can't
just go to a Coney Island.
I want French toast.
- If it's about the money,
I don't want you worrying
about it, I got it covered.
- No, no, no, this weekend
is on me and Gavin.
All right, so get your ID,
maybe some gambling money,
and leave your fat fucking
wallet here.
- Gavin couldn't of sprung
for a suite on the strip
and cashed residual or
something?
- I booked the room.
- Room's pretty nice, Marty.
- Fuck you, pal.
He's giving me cash anyway,
okay,
'cause he wanted to stay off thegrid.
- Oh yeah, right, his sponsor.
- That or his girl.
- Oh my God.
All right, what is it this
time model or actress?
- It's a dancer.
- You're kidding me.
How conducive can that
be to his situation?
- No, no, she's a legit
fucking dancer, bro.
She works at one of
those shows on the strip.
- Well, it would be a real
shame if she busted him here.
- All right, I'll let you get
back to it.
I just wanted to tell you that Ilove you
and that I'll talk to you soon,okay?
All right, one day, that's it.
All right, love you, bye.
- [Shane] At least let me finishfirst.
- You sick bastard.
- Prude bastard.
What, two is it?
- Two and a half.
- That's right, Marty Half
hand, truly a wild man.
- I got it out at a young age.
- Yeah, they call it settling
down for a reason, Marty.
- Fuck you, pal, aren't you
about to do the same thing?
- Yes,
[sighing]
I am.
[knocking on door]
- He's here, play nice, asshole.
He's a good guy, unless you're abad guy.
- Not even a foot in the
fucking door yet, Jesus, man
give me a fucking break.
- [Marty] How you doing, man?
- Oh man, I feel like I just
walked in
a fucking time machine.
- [Shane] It's good to see you
Gavin.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, man.
- [Marty] Don't call him Gavin.
That's Johnny fucking McNabb.
- Calm down, Marty, all right?
You can get his autograph later.
- Nobody wants my autograph
anymore.
- Come on bro, it's just a speedbump.
- Yeah, well anyway.
What are we doing, what's the
deal?
Shouldn't Shaney be half
shot in the ass by now?
- No, no, no, no.
I think we're gonna do the
dry thing this weekend.
- Oh yeah, nice.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro, that
one's mine.
- You guys realize that I can'tget drunk
if you drink it, right?
I'm fine, seriously, can
we just have a good night?
- Great!
[chuckling]
- So how about a Coney Island
for dinner?
- French toast?
- I'm not going to Coney Island.
- How's Hope doing, by the way?
- Well, she's doing actually
pretty good.
She's up at her ma's in TraverseCity.
- Yeah, but, you know what I
mean.
Is she all right?
What's going on?
- I'm going to Coney
Island before I leave here.
All right, assholes?
And what's this world
renowned restaurant anyway,
bachelor boy?
- Actually, you know,
I had a change a plans.
I got us tickets to go
see a show on the strip.
- Why'd you say it like that?
[both laughing]
Oh, fuck you, guys.
- All right, what's the deal,
who is she?
- Wait, wait, wait, let's do therundown.
- Oh, yeah, Latina for sure.
- Nope.
- Asian.
- Nope.
- Russian?
- No.
- Teriyakian.
- She's Filipino.
- I just said Asian,
it's the same thing.
- Oh, man.
- It's not the same thing.
- We got a dinner reservation
that we're late for
and I still gotta get dressed,
so, let's get rolling.
- [Marty] Please, 'cause
I'm fucking starving.
- All right, I just have
to piss and then I'm ready.
[cellphone chiming]
[dramatic music]
[toilet flushing]
[sink water running]
- [Shane] Yeah, babe, just goingout now.
- [Marty] Seriously, bro, just
get off the phone already.
- [Shane] Will you chill out,
bro?
Why don't you call Annabelle orsomething?
[dramatic music]
- [Gavin] What you gonna do
Marty?
- [Marty] I'm going all in.
- [Gavin] I call, Shane,
grab me a slice, will ya?
- [Shane] Yeah, you got
it, cheese or pepperoni?
- [Gavin] Pepperoni, please.
What do you got?
- I got nothing, it's
unbelievable.
- He always has a hand,
that guy's always been the luckyone.
- Not a game of luck, my
friend, you know that.
- Completely a game a luck.
- Okay, Shane, you're
right, it's a game a luck.
- Well, did you earn those
cards?
Did you have to work for 'em?
No, they were handed to you.
- Well, I was patient until
the right cards came along
and then I took a chance
and played 'em right.
- It's ironic logic coming froma person
who has a lucky number
tattooed on their hand.
- Well, that's true.
But this is a little different.
- I'm just saying, you play
the cards that you're dealt
whatever the fuck they are.
- I guess we'll see either way
when he blows them on the bluff.
- But if I do, I'll go
out and win some more.
How's your folks?
- Same old, still living back inDetroit.
What do you think this is?
- I don't know, is it like a
Formica?
- [Shane] Yeah, it could be.
- It's really sturdy.
- Wow, it's good craftsmanship.
- Yeah, it's really nice,
I was just thinking.
Where do you think he went?
- I don't know.
- So, how's our boys?
You ready for the surprise?
Huh, look at this.
- [Gavin] And, what is it?
- Oh shit, sorry about that.
- Oh my God.
- Woo!
- Okay, now you remember?
Deja vu anybody?
- [Shane] Holy cow.
- [Gavin] You do not
still have that.
- This.
Okay.
- [Shane] What.
- [Marty] So, should we play?
- I'm not playing that game?
If you could change one
thing about your body,
what would it be?
- Look at this thing, oh my God.
- My nose and my dick size.
[laughing]
- All right, it was too easy.
Marty, you would change
that horrible nose,
and Gavin would lose his baby
dick.
- What's wrong with my nose?
- I was actually nose, I'm
pretty content with my dick
size,
thank you, though.
- It's not that it's little,
it could just always be bigger,right?
- See, that's exactly
what somebody would say
with a baby dick.
- Gavin has a point, Marty.
- Fuck you guys.
It's my turn, all right...
How old will you guys
be when you get married?
- Oh man.
You set this one up.
- 28.
And 28.
- [Marty] You're gay, wow,
I always land on that.
- Whoa, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, how does thatwork?
- What are you talking about,
dude?
You both said 28, I can't get itwrong.
- No kidding, Sherlock,
I'm talking to this one.
- I wanted to wait until after
this weekend to tell you guys
because I didn't wanna steal
your thunder
or anything like that, but--
- [Marty] Don't start, Shane.
- No, no, I got a couple
of questions, that's all.
- Ask away.
- All right.
Who is this girl you're
apparently marrying this year?
- This girl is named Addie,
the one I told you about.
- Addie, that's right.
This is the Filipino one, right?
The dancer, the [speaking
in foreign language]
- Yeah, that's the one.
That's the only girlfriend I
have.
I know that's a tough concept.
- [Marty] Oh God, here we
go board flip, T minus two.
- Oh no, I'm not sure
what you mean by that?
- If you could go back
in time to any one day,
what day would it be and why?
- "I picked the day Hope
served us at Coney Island
"because the way her ass
filled those fucking jeans."
I picked the day Gavin moved toLA,
because I'd smacked some sense
into him.
- I already know I want the
day that Shane fucked my ex
because it's not like we were
best friends or anything.
- [Marty] Oh, wow, this
is really a lotta fun.
- Here we go.
You know what?
I wanna change mine.
I pick the day Gavin got on
television
and became too good for his
friends.
- I didn't become too good
for Marty, just for you.
- You haven't been too good
for anybody in the last year.
- [Marty] Oh, fuck you, Shane.
He doesn't mean that, G.
- [Shane] No, I do.
I really do.
- Will you shut you?
It's okay, anyway.
I remember this one, I wrote
this one.
How many times have you
jerked off in one day?
- Listen, Shane,
I know the past few years
have been really fucked up withme.
I know that, and I have some
regrets.
But the heaviest is this thing
with you,
and I just wanna make amends.
I was mad, okay?
I wasn't over it, I'm sorry.
I mean that, I'm sorry, both ofyou.
Okay?
Now can we please have a good
time
celebrating you and your
beautiful soon to be
before I flip the fucking board?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- No, seriously though, guys,
how many times in one
day have you jacked off?
[Gavin laughing]
If you put your tongue
down here like that,
try to talk without moving yourtongue.
- The darker featured, like--
- What the fuck, man?
Why do you always
get to be the cool guy?
- Dude, he was sexy as fuck.
♪ Please never go
- You're probably gonna be
the backup singer, right?
I got a guy that's gonna
shoot our album cover.
- I can see it.
- Your eyes are drying out.
What the fuck?
I'm the backup singer?
- No, no, no I think if Marty
comes in
with like a rap type thing.
♪ We've been moving like we're
soap going down the drain ♪
- And I'll be lead vocals,
obviously.
♪ I can't stop dreaming of you
- No, they were all
equally cool back then.
- Yeah, back then, now, what arethey?
- Marty!
- [Marty] What?
- Come on, man, I'm fucking
bored.
- [Shane] Marty, where's your
stripper?
- Where is she?
- [Marty] What do you want,
guys?
- It's been like two fucking
hours, I wanna go gamble.
- You know what?
I'm just like, I'm so
flabbergasted by your social
media
and the comments you get on
here.
- You're flabbergasted?
- Yeah.
There's like a hundreds of
comments a day from hot chicks
that you don't even acknowledge.
- What do you want
me to do?
- Have you seen
this shit, man?
- Oh, I look at it every day.
- I think you should reevaluatereading the comments on here
and who you're gonna reply to.
- I hate reading that shit.
- Have you tried any DMing on
here?
- People are so fucking mean onthere.
- Marty, tell me what a DM is?
- What do you mean?
It's a fucking inbox message.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
- What is it again?
- [Marty] It's the same
thing as an inbox message.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
- Why are you calling it that?
- [Marty] Because DM is inbox
message
and if you wanna step
your game up even further
you send her a meme.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
Okay, I'm talking like extra
funny memes.
- Why would I send her a meme?
- Could you imagine?
- Because if you don't send a
meme,
how is she gonna know your senseof humor?
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
What are you waiting on, man?
You should send multiple
inboxes, man.
What the fuck?
You know what?
- No, you're absolutely right.
- You know what?
I can't even look at this
anymore.
All I know is I shoulda
been famous like you, pal.
Because I woulda been inboxing
all of 'em.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
You know what?
Wait a minute, I just
thought of something.
- Are you gonna go inbox a
couple people?
- What the fuck is the matter
with him?
- [Shane] Oh my God.
- Was he always like that?
- [Shane] Yeah, he was.
- Oh my God.
[laughing]
- Oh yeah, inbox this, guys.
Look at this, man.
You know what this is?
Does anybody know what this is
at all?
- No idea.
- No, you have no idea?
- No, what is it?
- Couldn't possibly guess what
this is?
- If it's a picture of your
mom I'm gonna be very upset.
- You're close, but no.
- Come on, what is it?
- [Marty] Bang.
- Oh, dude.
- [Marty] Do you remember this?
- What is it?
I can't see it.
Jesus Christ, Marty.
- [Gavin] What the
fuck?
- You need one of these
in your office over your desk,
man.
- Oh my God.
- [Gavin] What the fuck
is the matter with you?
- What do you mean?
- Oh my God!
- [Gavin] Dude.
- What are you talking about?
- [Gavin] Dude, this is
too fucking much, come on.
- This fucking poster
is fucking sick, dude.
- [Gavin] Dude, you have a
poster of me.
- What do you mean?
Listen, I want you to
sign this fucking thing.
- I'm not signing that
fucking thing, dude.
You need to get rid of that.
- First of all,
lookit, this is the sickest
poster.
Look at the fire in your eyes
here, man.
What do you mean?
Look how sick this is.
- Are you out of your mind?
- First of all, this was
limited.
I had to order this off Ebay,
dude.
- Oh, you hear that?
Ebay, he got it off Ebay.
- I did.
- You couldn't have it inboxed?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not only that, but I
had to pay for fucking--
- Dude, seriously, that's
not fucking cool, man.
- I had to pay for two
day shipping on this, man.
- Dude.
- Listen, I'm a power seller onEbay.
I mean, this is just fucking
awesome, that's all I know.
I want you to sign it.
Are you gonna sign the tiny
city?
- I'm not fucking signing that.
- Right on the bottom.
And, if you put it all togetherwith the fire in your eye,
the exploding gun, that
fucking flammable tiny cities,
it's like...
Look at these, wait.
- It's not a tiny city, it's
just a city.
- [Marty] I even picture
these guys as alien warriors.
Look, they're like alien--
- They're SWAT team members!
- [Marty] No, these are alien
warriors.
- What the fuck is the matter
with you?
- [Marty] These are like
fucking reptilian shape
shifting hybrids, man,
I'm telling you right now.
- [Shane] Shape shifting
hybrids?
- [Marty] Yeah, look at the
poster.
- [Shane] I've seen the
poster, you just showed me.
- It's a police show.
It's a police show.
- [Marty] There are shape
shifting hybrids
in the sewer systems on
this show, I know it.
[all laughing]
[snickering]
- Marty, tell us a story.
- Guy at work, he had to
shave his eyebrows off.
- What the fuck?
- No, listen, fuck head.
- You work with the strangest
people.
- So this apprentice goes
down river to this strip club
with his buddies from work,
and this place is a real fuckingdisaster.
It shoulda been condemned, or
torn down, or I don't know,
maybe new staff.
The apprentice and his buddies
decide we wanna run a bet
who can go the furthest
with one of these fucking
mutated,
monster, these cellulite,
skid mark having,
cobble pot looking strippers.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
And I'm talking track marks,
snot running down their nose.
That's the kind of place it was.
You didn't have to tip much
there.
Listen, put it this way,
they even serve potato skins
with like,
who's gonna want potato
skins in this fucking place
when you have your fist up
somebody's ass?
Guys are fucking doing
shots off the girl's tits.
This guy's doing shots off a
girl's ass.
I'm talking about crazy
shit happening here.
So, the young apprentice wants
to show off
in front of his coworkers and hedecides,
well, you know what?
I'm good with my tongue.
He's gonna go down on one
of these classic mutants,
you know, with like a
'70s "Boogie Nights" bush.
So he's focused, he's doesn't
care.
He wants to go down on her.
Tongue, bush, tongue, bush,
tongue, bush, tongue, bush,
potato skins, potato skins.
He goes down on her.
He wakes up the next day, hestarts clawing at his eyebrows,
and flaking, and flaking, and
irritation.
He's got crabs in his eyebrows.
Shaves 'em right off.
- [Gavin] No way.
- Wait a second.
Wouldn't they not be crabs
though
if they're in his eyebrows?
- [Shane] What?
- Wouldn't it just be lice
because it's not in his pubes?
- No, it'd still be crabs
because its origination
was somebody's pubes.
- No, I mean, crabs are
defined based on the fact
that they inhabit a pubic
region.
If they were to be relocated viathe story
to somebody's eyebrows,
they would just be lice.
- Okay.
Listen, you relocated
to California, right?
- [Gavin] Yeah.
- But your origination
was Detroit, correct?
You carry that with you?
- No, no, no, no, I've
assimilated, I'm one of them
now.
- Mm-mm, no, no, you act like
one of them, you pretend.
But a crab can never act, or
pretend,
or play the part of
anything other than a crab.
It would always be seen as
something
that originated in somebody's
pubes.
Therefore, it could never
assimilate.
It would always be shunned
by any of the other infesting
inhabitants.
- Well excuse me, Shane.
I would like to think
that that even a crab
could leave his dirty past
behind him.
- The point is, keep your
face out of her pussy
before she gets here.
- No, no, no, no.
I will clear her seat when she
arrives.
- You would really let
her sit on your face?
- Yeah, I absolutely would.
I'm sorry.
- No, I don't think so,
'cause it's just gonna be dances
'cause that's all I paid for,
guys.
- Shall I retrieve my wallet?
And Gavin, don't sit
there and pretend like
you've never slept with a
stripper.
- I haven't, I swear.
- Really?
- Come on.
- Yeah, really.
- You mean to tell me after allof that
you never wound up sleeping withone?
- No, I didn't.
And I never did it for
fun or for the thrills.
You know, I guess if I
had sex with somebody,
I always preferred to
be the fucked up one.
- Don't sit there and tell me
that you weren't having fun,
man.
I saw the pictures on your
social media
with the models, and the
parties, and the craziness.
Dude, it looks like a lotta funto me.
- No, I mean, I may have done
some things
that some people wouldconsider fun, but I don't know.
I don't really remember.
- See, there you go.
You did it, but you don't
remember.
If you weren't having any fun atall,
why would you continue to do it?
- Don't get me wrong, I was
enjoying it,
it felt really fucking good.
That's why I continued to do it.
The problem is that, that'sthe only thing that feels good.
You know, kinda like it
desaturates everything, you
know?
It's like, that's a wrap.
- Is that set speak?
I don't really follow what
you're saying.
- That's a wrap.
You know, that's a wrap on sex,
on fun, on friends, on
family, on your job,
that's a wrap on everything,
but getting fucking high.
You know.
- It's terrifying.
- Yeah, it is.
I've killed the buzz here, I'm
sorry.
- No, bro, you're cool.
- Well, I think we're
having a shower anyway,
before she gets here, if she
ever does.
- She'll be here.
[dramatic music]
[cell phone chiming]
- Here's to my favorite
prick lawyer in the world.
Nobody else I'd call if I were
in trouble
or caught in the rain.
15 years of friendship, and
a lifetime of happiness.
And to one piece of pussy
for the rest of your life.
- I don't know about all that,
but...
- You know this, it's gonna
put a damper on the night.
But I'm a little buzzed, so fuckit.
- What's wrong buddy, everythingokay?
- Well, we hope so.
[cell phone vibrating]
Is that Annabelle?
Tell her I say hi.
- Mm-mm, no, no, no.
She's probably just sleeping orsomething.
It's just one of my interns.
- What the fuck is she doing up?
- Something about a case.
- All right, look bro, she's
gonna be here any minute now,
so you know what?
Let me just get this out.
- You wanna see your picture?
- Whose?
- My intern.
- Why the fuck would I wanna seea picture
of your intern, dude?
I'm trying to talk to you, man.
- Because she's got a great ass,
and it's my bachelor party,
and your stripper still
isn't even here yet.
- Great ass.
Let's see.
Oh no, that is a great ass.
♪ I'll shout it out
♪ If you're there alone
♪ Realize I had a good ways to
go ♪
♪ I had no supplies
♪ No lover to hold
♪ It got cold
♪ It got cold
♪ And I speed on the pavement
♪ Stuck to the weed
♪ Choked on the ruthlessness
inside me ♪
♪ Oh, it's just blood on your
knees, blood on your knees ♪
- Hey, hey, honey.
♪ Don't know anytime to die
- Yep, the stripper is right
here, actually, and she's...
Oh yeah, she's pretty fucking
smoking hot.
♪ Just pick up your feet
♪ Stop at a station with lotterya lie ♪
♪ They promised a fortune
on this glory night ♪
♪ And you win my money ♪
♪ And crawl in my dreams
♪ Yeah, I tripped over nothing
♪ Fell down and grieved
♪ Oh, it's just blood on your
knees, blood on your knees ♪
♪ I don't know anytime to die
♪ So quit worrying, wasting,
and wondering why me ♪
♪ Just pick up your feet mm-hmmmm ♪
♪ Oh baby, are you feeling
sorry for yourself ♪
♪ Are you mad that you got dirty♪
♪ Are you blaming someone else
[Gavin breathing hard]
♪ You know
[suspenseful music]
- Yo, yo, what's up, man?
Yeah, no, I just got your
messages.
Yeah, yeah, I just got in town.
Uh-huh.
Oh good, yeah.
Hey, why don't you come pick meup?
All right, cool.
Yeah, I'm somewhere in, I'll
send my location, all right?
We're in the penthouse,
come on up, all right?
Yeah.
- Yeah, she split, bro.
What'd you do, whip it out, G?
She didn't even take her tits
out yet.
[laughing softly]
[dramatic music]
- I never understood whypeople would think that addicts
didn't know they had a problem.
Of course you know.
You taste it in your teeth everymorning.
It doesn't make a difference.
- [Marty] Are you okay?
- And you believe it, you
believe
it, you really believe it.
And they know.
They know, and they're
right, they're right.
They're right.
And all you have to do is not doit.
That's all you have to do, is
not do it, just don't do it.
You look in the mirror,
and you open your mouth,
and you stick out your
tongue, and oh, it's too late.
[chuckling]
It's too late.
I'll quit tomorrow.
And then you do.
You do.
But you're never not an addict
though.
You're just waiting for an
excuse to use.
And then something comes
along and gets you clean.
So you think it just swaps, it
just swaps.
And it's a fucking wrap.
- Don't do it, G.
Don't do it, G, no,
don't fucking do it, man.
[dramatic music]
- [Shane] Man, what the fuck?
- Why don't you shut the fuck
up, Shane?
Go find yourself another
stripper to probably try and
fuck
behind your fiance's back.
- Bro, what the fuck, man?
- Excuse me.
Look, man, don't take
your relapse out on me.
- G, listen, why don't you
just go in the bathroom,
puke that shit out, come back
out here,
we can all just chill out?
- What are you even doing here,Marty?
You should be at home with Hope,
this is fucking ridiculous,
you did not belong here.
- Well first of all, he is here
because he's one of the
only friends that you have.
- I said, shut the fuck up,
Shane!
You don't know the first thing
about fucking friendship,
so I don't wanna hear
another goddamn word, okay,
we both fucking know you.
- What's he talking about?
- Nothing, man,
clearly he's just fucking
pissed off right now.
So if we just give him a minute.
- Yeah, clearly, you just
terrified that poor girl!
- Yeah, I terrified her
right off your fucking cock,
you fucking pervert.
Now I know you, I know you.
And I know you only
came here to get fucked,
so why don't you go and get
fucked?
I am sure she will never know!
- You know what?
Stop saying that.
What did I ever do to you?
Like honestly, what,
I slept with an
ex-girlfriend five years ago?
- What did you do to me?
Are you fucking serious?
What did you do to me?
What did you fucking do to me,
Shane?
Where were you, huh?
No, I seriously wanna know, I
wanna know,
I wanna know right now,
where the fuck were you?
- What are you even talking
about?
- Marty was there, where were
you?
- You know what?
[chuckling]
I'm not sticking around for thisshit.
You've always been a selfish
asshole,
and you will always be a selfishasshole.
- Why don't you fucking
do something about it
and stop running your smart
fucking mouth?
- [Marty] Just stop, fucking
stop, please.
- Shut up, shut up, Marty.
Sit down, sit down, Marty,
- Stop, man.
- I'm not fucking kidding, sit
down.
Do something, Shane, do
it, finally fucking do it.
Finally fucking do
something, you piece of shit.
[suspenseful music]
[Gavin panting]
- Look, man,
I'm sorry bud, but that shit
right there,
that shit was bound to happen.
I know you wanted to have a goodweekend
and you wanted to bring
the boys back together,
but I'm not sticking around
for that shit, have fun.
- When I was a little girl
on my island, where I'm from,
there was this bridge that
all the guys would go to
and they would carry these big
rocks
and they would jump off the
bridge.
And the rock would carry them
all the way down to the bottom.
They would stay down there
and they could see everything
because the water was so clear.
And they'd collect
things like sea urchins,
and starfish, sand dollars.
I don't know what you guys callit,
but in my language it's called
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
And they would sell it
or they would eat it
and that's how they
would make their living.
- We'll open up a shop on
the beach and we'll sell.
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
- I don't wanna get anything.
I just wanna be down there.
And I'll brush the sand like
this.
And then I'll brush it
and I'll see if I can search forstingrays
because they like to hide underthe sand.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- How are you gonna get back up?
- Just swim.
- Well, how deep is it?
- Like 30 feet.
- 30 feet,
and you're gonna swim?
- Is that deep?
- Yeah, that's deep.
- Okay, like 20 feet.
- Oh, just 20.
That's it.
- That's it.
But I wanna go, and even
if it's just for a minute
it's gonna be worth it.
- What if you run outta air?
- That's the fun part.
You actually run out of air.
- You're nuts.
- Go with me.
[groaning]
- Soak it up, buddy.
- I'm not hungry.
- Hello, I don't give a shit
if you're a Gandhi on a
hunger strike, eat the burger.
- I don't like pickles.
- Just pick them off.
- It'll still taste like
pickles.
It'll always taste like pickles.
- You need to eat it.
- Maybe I do need it.
Maybe I deserve it.
- So eat it.
- No.
I just won't eat.
- Why the fuck not?
- 'Cause everything that I did
was for a burger without
pickles.
And not loving me.
- I'm sure the burger loves you,pal.
Really, just take a bite and
see.
- I guess I'm ruined too,
so why should I be able to
have the perfect burger?
- What do you wanna
fucking filet mignon, man?
[cell phone ringing]
- The burger can go fuck
itself, Marty, no pickles.
- I get that you're a
little wasted right now.
You're not making much sense.
So just try and be straight withme
'cause all this bullshit
you're spewing out
about this burger is like reallymaking me salitate over it.
- Go ahead, take a bite,
everybody else does.
- Look, whatever it is
you're going through Gavin,
you'll get through, man,
you always came out.
I can't watch you
- Jesus Christ.
- go down this road,
man, what are you doing?
Why the fuck are you laughing?
Seriously, I'm trying
to be serious with you.
You always take everything
so much harder than everyone
else.
We all got fucking problems, G!
Seriously, bro, see this shit,
you were never fucking happy,
man.
Even in Detroit, you bailed on
us
as soon as you got the gas
money.
- Happy with what?
Huh?
There was nothing for me there.
You know what I wanted to do
and you were supposed to have myback.
- Didn't I?
Didn't I have your fucking back,dude.
Didn't you have me,
didn't you have Nicole?
- Don't fucking talk about
Nicole, Marty.
- Why shouldn't I?
I was the one, I was the
shoulder she cried on
to try and convince me to
get you to come back home.
Did I ever even ask you or tellyou once?
- I said don't fucking
talk about her, okay?
- Then you go and book a fuckingshow,
me being the only moron
that believes in you,
and you throw all that away too.
- I was depressed, okay?
I didn't have anybody,
I didn't have anyone.
- I don't understand why
you didn't come home,
or why didn't ask anyone for
help?
- You had family.
I wasn't gonna call
Shane after what he did.
I was supposed to come home
with my tail between my legs.
Fuck that.
You all think it's some big
party for me.
I'm fucking dying, Marty.
- That's not you, G.
- I tweaked my back.
I tweaked my back working out.
That's it.
My roommate at the time, he
said,
"Here, take one of these."
I didn't know what it was,
all I needed was an aspirin.
It was Oxy.
It's like 10 milligrams, that'snothing.
But it made me happy.
It made me happy when I had
become content
with being miserable.
Fuck man, it doesn't happen
like it does in the movies,
it just happens, you know?
- I'm trying to understand, man.
Why tonight, G?
- Fine,
[cell phone ringing]
fuck it.
Hello?
[crying]
Goddammit Addie,
what the fuck is wrong with you?
- No fucking way, G, no way,
pickles?
- [Gavin] Yeah, Marty, pickles.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah, holy shit.
- You know, not too long
ago, maybe like a week ago,
Hope asked me to go to the storefor her.
She's not feeling too well
lately
and she used to do all the
shopping
so I went and kept thinking to
myself,
how does she do this, man,
she's so good at this?
And something so simple
seemed hard because
there's just so much going
on in this grocery store.
There's so many aisles, so
many items, so many things.
It's the same thing with
pickles, G.
There're a million
pickles in the sea, man.
You know what I mean?
There're a million
different kinds of pickles,
all shapes and sizes, types.
Short pickles, fat
pickles, mutated pickles,
crazy pickles.
I didn't know how to be there
for her.
So, like a coward I ran in the
basement
and I just got hammered every
night.
I don't know how she
didn't smell it on me,
but she never gave me shit aboutit.
Maybe she just smelled it,
but didn't have the heart.
We drink through the hard times,G.
It's what we do, man, it's justa drink.
You don't have to crash
and burn over this.
- That's what I do,
Marty, I crash and burn.
- That's not you, man.
- How is Hope holding up, by theway?
- She keeps a smile on
throughout for the kids.
- You never told Shane.
- He's not really good
with that sorta stuff.
- Yeah, I know.
[engine roaring]
- Oh, great, he's here.
- Look, Marty, I can see that
you need a friend right now.
I really am sorry to say,
but tonight I'm not that friend,okay?
[knocking on door]
- Shane, you have the
code, come on in, man.
Oh Christ, let me get that, I'llbe back.
- Marty, it's not Shane.
- [Pouch] Hey, what's up bro?
Is Gavin around?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no, there's no Gavin here.
I think you got the wrong room.
- This is the address he gave
me.
- There's nobody here named
Gavin, man.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay, sorry to have bothered
you.
What's your name?
- You can call me whatever
you wanna call me.
Just as long as it's not Gavin,
'cause there's no Gavin here.
- You know, I've been
wanting to take a leak
for like the last hour,
is it okay if I use your
bathroom though?
- We gotta girl in here.
- You know what, maybe she's gota friend?
We can make a night of it,
I do got the party favors,
the party goods.
- What do you say?
- You know what, man?
She's not really in a friendly
mood.
- Oh yeah?
Why don't we let her decide?
Hollywood!
Yo Hollywood, Hollywood, there
you go.
- You got everything?
- I sure do.
- Yo, man, what the f, Gavin?
Gavin?
- You know the routine
as long as you got the green.
- Gavin, what's in that
fucking pouch, bro?
- Let your boy do his thing,
man.
Yo, let your boy do his
thing, come here, come here.
You said I could call you
whatever I want, right?
I think I'm gonna call you
Scruffy.
You know I have a little
kid, he's beautiful.
He comes to me, he goes,"Daddy, Bobby just got a doggy,
"he can sit, he can stay, do
you know what I'm gonna do
"if I get a dog?"
[suspenseful music]
- [Gavin] You're always mad at
me.
- Not always.
- My son's up all fucking night
trying to teach this dog new
tricks.
You know what the dog's doing?
- [Addison] Are you gonna do
that all?
- And I put them in my car and
I take him off to the desert,
I snap his fucking neck like a
breadstick.
- Scuba diving, no.
- [Shane] Why not?
- [Pouch] So shut the fuck up,
and sit, and stay, Scruffy.
- 'Cause I don't wanna
have to trust anything.
It ruins it, I wanna be downthere with no tank or anything.
- [Shane] How are you gonna
breathe?
- [Addison] I'm gonna use a
rock.
- [Shane] Okay, use a rock to dowhat?
- [Addison] You'll see.
- [Shane] Oh yeah?
- When I was a little girl
on my island that I'm from
there was this bridge that
all the guys would go to
and they would carry these big
rocks
and they would jump off of a
bridge.
And the rock would carry them
all the way down to the bottom.
They just stay there.
[dramatic music]
- [Marty] Gavin, Gavin, what
the fuck are you doing, man?
- [Pouch] Let's go over here,
come on.
- [Addison] 'Cause even
if it's for a minute,
it'll be worth it.
- [Shane] What if you run outtaair?
- That's the fun part.
What if you run out of air?
- Let's go Hollywood.
- Gavin, I'm talking to you.
- [Pouch] Sit and stay, Scruffy.
- Gavin!
Oh fuck.
Gavin, buddy, it's Marty,
man, what the hell?
Where did you go?
We're really worried about you,all right?
So just give us a call back,
please, bye.
- Call the girl, he probably
went to go find her.
Hopefully he doesn't snap her
neck.
- I ordered her through a
service, okay?
They're not gonna give
her number out that easily
and I ordered a Filipino
because I thought you guys wouldlaugh.
- He didn't laugh though, Marty.
- This isn't a fucking joke,
bro, okay?
He can get himself killed,
that guy was fucking insane.
- Do you still have the
number to that service?
- Yeah, why?
It's right here.
- Dial it.
- I'm telling you right now
they're not gonna give you the
number.
- She's not in a SecretService, bro, she's a stripper.
Here, give me the phone.
Hi, how you doing?
Good, look, I just had a
quick question for you.
I was kinda hoping you'd beable help me out with something.
Well, the thing is,
you guys sent us this great
stripper and,
no, no, no, she was wonderful.
I'm sorry, dancer.
Sent us this amazing dancer,
I know you guys don't like thatterm,
but, she left a ring here
and it looks really expensive
and we just wanted to get it
back to her
before we took off in the
morning.
You would do that?
Oh my God, that would be
amazing.
Well, here's the thing, I
didn't catch her stage name,
but she actually, she gave
us her real name and it's...
- Addie.
- Addie, that's the one.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Got it, you're a lifesaver.
Thank you so much.
All right, yep, have a
wonderful night, bye.
Bunch a animals, they
actually gave it to me.
- Are you actually enjoying
this?
This is the fucking best mood
you've been in all night, man.
- Marty, this is what I do for aliving.
I solve people's problems.
Now here, we got the number,
just give her a call.
- It's not ringing, it's
ringing, it's ringing.
No voicemail.
Do I have to leave a voicemail?
Okay, I'll leave a voicemail.
Addie, it's Marty, Gavin's
friend.
Yeah, I know it was
really fucked up right now
and it's a little confusing,
but,
Gavin just took off and we can'tfind him.
We have no idea if he's okay.
So just please call us back
if you can when you see him?
Okay?
[sighing]
Man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the
fuck are you doing, man?
- What? I'm hungry.
- That's not yours to eat.
- I gotta eat, Marty.
- Do you even like pickles?
- What's with the interrogation?
- No, no, no, I'm just
wondering,
do you like pickles, man?
- No, I don't, but I'm hungry
so I don't really care.
- Where did you go anyway?
- What?
- I just asked where you went,
and I know you weren't fucking
fishing.
- I went for a drink,
Marty, is that okay to do
on my bachelor party in Vegas?
- Really, just a drink, that's
it?
- Yeah, I had a drink, I
played some cards, that's it.
- Yeah, how'd you do,
did you win anything?
- I broke even.
- Blackjack, poker?
- Blackjack.
I hit a double down for a couple100
and I dumped in a slot.
- Don't fucking lie to me, dude.
- [Shane] Why would I lie to
you?
- Because you would never put apenny
in a fucking slot machine!
So tell me exactly
where the fuck you were.
- What kinda celebration we
having here?
- You're gonna pull the
victim card out now?
You're gonna start sobbing?
- I'm just being honest with
you, Marty.
How much fun are we having rightnow?
- Oh, looks like you had a
fucking jolly old time to me.
- I did, I had a lotta fun.
I had a drink, I played
some cards, it was a blast.
- You have a lot of fun with
your intern back in New York?
- Christ on a side car, Marty.
I am not that guy.
- No, no, you are exactly
that fucking guy, man.
Both of you are.
You're both selfish and
ungrateful
and everything you have
that you don't appreciate
will be gone soon, trust me on
that.
- Oh my God.
- And I suggest you call back
home
before I fucking smack you.
- You want me to call Hope?
Why would I call your wife?
- Call home!
- Marty, it's six o'clock
in the morning in New York.
Annabelle is sleeping,
I'm not gonna wake her up.
- Well, I would hope that
you actually spoke to her
before she fell asleep,
'cause if Hope's asleep I'm
gonna leave a fucking message.
- Oh my God.
[knocking on door]
Marty, he's back.
[cell phone ringing]
- [Shane] You've reached
Shane at Pierce and Farmer
please leave your name and phonenumber
and I'll return your call.
[answering machine beeping]
- [Gavin] Yo, Shane, it's
Gavin, what's going on man?
It's been awhile.
I just wanna say congrats.
I am really happy you found
old macadamia, or whatever,
you know what I mean.
Anyway, look man, I just,
I wanted to talk to
you about next weekend.
I know it probably doesn't
make a difference to you,
and I don't know, maybe it does.
Maybe that's why I'm calling,
but, I can't do it, bro.
I'm gonna fucking fall
off if I go, I know it.
I wanted to do this thing,
I really fucking did.
I got a girlfriend now.
We met in rehab.
I know it's fucked up,
but I think I'd probably be deadby now
if she wasn't there for me so...
Oh, she's fucking hot too, bro.
You would fucking die,
you will love this one.
And you remember that
time we went downtown
like eight nights in a row to
shoot dice
'til like 6:00 a.m.?
We lied to Marty 'cause
he kept giving us shit
about having a problem.
I wish that was my only fuckingproblem.
We lost so much money.
We probably should have listenedto him a little bit more.
Man, I miss you guys.
Oh fuck!
[answering machine beeping]
- [Automated Voicemail] Todelete this message press seven.
[beeping]
- So, how was your night?
[whistling]
- What are you looking at?
- Could you pretend to
give a fuck for once?
- I do give a fuck, Marty.
What do you want me to do?
It's not exactly a big surprise
I don't know what he was
thinking coming here.
- For you!
- No, no, the record will
show that Vegas was your idea.
Yeah, what, before he almost
fucking died?
- Well, he didn't have to come.
- You're still ashamed of what
you did.
- Ashamed?
Marty, how many times
do I have to apologize?
He either forgives me where he
doesn't,
I can't go back in time.
- I don't understand how
you could make it seem like
he fucked your girlfriend
instead of the other way around
like it actually fucking
happened.
- Okay Marty, let's just drop
it.
Yeah, let's drop it.
You know what?
Let's just talk about your
intern.
- What do you want me to say,
Marty?
What, that I slept with my
intern?
Fine, you got me.
I slept with my intern,
I cheat on my fiance.
Does that make you happy,
are you're good now?
Huh, you heard what you wanted
to hear?
Jesus Christ, man.
It's not exactly something I'm
proud of.
- Well then stop fucking doing
it.
- Screw you Marty.
Hmm?
Screw you, and fuck Gavin. Okay.
I'm always under such a
magnifying glass with you too.
It's like whenever he screws up,
he's some poor little innocent
victim.
But whenever I screw up,
I'm a fucking monster.
- You know what?
No, I fully fucking acknowledgethat you are both selfish,
ungrateful, fucking assholes,
the only difference is
Gavin hurts himself.
You hurt everyone else around
you!
And your head is so far up
your own fucking ass, man,
you haven't once asked if Ineed anything or how I'm doing.
- Fine.
How you doing, Marty,
do you need anything?
- What, from you?
No, I learned not to haveexpectations with you years ago!
And how the fuck am I?
Not so great, Shane.
Hope's about to be back in
chemo.
And yet I'm still here
suffering for you two guys.
- Wait, Hope's back in chemo?
- Oh, don't try and play that
fucking friend card with me.
It's never been in your deck.
- You've never said
anything to me about this.
No, no, no, no, wait!
- [Marty] All I wanted was
some fucking French toast.
- Marty!
- Pumpkin pie.
Remember?
It was your first day out
and I came to pick you up.
I mean, if you think about it,
it was our real first date.
I asked, so what you wanna do?
You were so freaking cute and soserious.
I remember you said,
"Pumpkin pie, you down, pumpkinpie?"
Do you remember what I said?
I said.
- Pie not?
- Mm-hmm.
We went to the farmer's market
and you kept trying to eat frommy half
and I kept swatting you away.
- It wasn't fair.
Your half was bigger than mine.
- Oh, yeah.
- You cut it uneven.
You wanted wine so bad.
- Yeah.
- You remember what I said?
- Why not, baby?
- Why not, baby?
- And I said, you can't have
one, baby.
Not today, anyway.
You know we all have our demons,Gavin.
The trick is having one
that won't kill you.
- Addie.
Addie.
- [Addie] What?
- Addie.
- [Addie] What?
- Addison.
- [Addie] What?
Gavin, calm down.
- I am calm, baby.
- What?
[crying]
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- Oh, baby.
[soft music]
- I love you.
- I know, I know.
- I do love you, Addie, I do
love you.
[Gavin crying]
[soft music]
- Baby.
[Gavin retching]
[crying]
Hey.
- Hey.
- What'd you take, Gavin?
- I'm not puking from the drugs,
I don't puke from the drugs
anymore.
- What'd you take?
- I had a little whiskey.
- What else?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Mm-mm.
- Pills?
- Yeah, pills.
- Fuck.
What else?
- You.
Addie.
- Yeah?
- I have to tell you something.
- What?
- I didn't go to San Francisco.
[laughing]
- No shit!
So what do you wanna do
tomorrow?
Pumpkin pie?
- I don't know.
[groaning]
[sighing]
- [Shane] Answer the phone,
dickhead.
Yo, G, pick up the phone bro,
seriously.
For the record, Gavin,
you have absolutely ruined thisweekend.
Christ, man, you are such an
ass.
I hope you're happy in
there all passed out,
goddammit, what happened to us?
I know what happened to
us, I was a shit friend.
I am a shit friend.
Look man, I'm sorry.
Not for Nicole, for not being
there,
for not hopping on a plane
and picking your ass up
from fucking rehab, for
everything.
- [Gavin] Thanks.
- [Shane] You okay?
- I think my hand modeling
career's over.
- You gonna be able to
jerk off with that thing?
- I'll figure something out.
Where's Marty?
- [Shane] Out looking for
new childhood friends.
- Sounds about right.
Really?
- Really.
- If you could go back
in time to any one day,
what day would it be and why?
"I'd of told you about Nicole."
[Gavin chuckling]
You wouldn't go back
and not sleep with her?
That's a shitty use of time
travel, Shane.
- No, I would not go back and
not do it
because I don't think you
would've ever let her go
if that never happened.
- Oh, so you did me a favor.
- That's not what I'm saying,
Gavin,
I just think you're better off.
- It wouldn't have mattered
if you had told me.
It wouldn't have made a
difference, for the record.
- You wouldn't have respected
the fact
that I owned up to it?
- No, I wouldn't have respectedthe fact
that you owned up to it.
- I would have at least
respected myself.
I haven't really respected
myself since then.
- I haven't really respected
you since then either, so.
Come on, man, I'm fucking with
you.
- I'm trying to apologize to
you, Gavin.
- That was before doing
something
shitty made me feel bad.
I don't feel anything.
I wanted to be that guy growingup.
The guy in the movies that goeshome
and turns down the girl at the
bar,
and crawls into bed and
kisses his wife goodnight
and says he loves her.
He calls her on the phone
when he's in the car
just to sing her stupid
songs and hear her laugh.
He writes her poems on her
birthday.
I wanted to be that guy growingup.
- Well, that guy sucks.
- Does he?
I'm trying to have a serious
conversation
with you here, man.
- No, I'm being serious, that
guy sucks.
I don't know what you
want me to say, Shane.
I don't know why you're asking
me.
- Because you're my friend.
- Of all people.
We all got bugs, you know, it'sfine.
You got air in your lungs.
- I know what you mean,
we've got different bugs.
- We all got our demons, baby.
Just because yours won't kill
you
doesn't mean you don't have to
fight it.
She's the one?
- What?
Yeah, of course she's the one.
- Start today, be that guy.
It's worst things that are done,Shane.
- You don't think I should comeclean,
tell her what I've done?
- No, I don't think you
should come clean to her.
Go home,
get married, be happy.
- You don't think that's
a little fucked up?
- I think fucked up is relative.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- I'm seriously asking.
- Well, my hand is probably
broken, Shane.
- I'm not talking about your
hand.
- I punched that wall,
you know, I did that.
I chose to do that.
- That's a strange response.
- Well, maybe, but it
doesn't change the fact
that my fucking hand hurts.
- It's a consequence.
- And there's no sense
in pretending it's fine.
You just, I don't know,
tape it up or something
and keep moving.
- You're gonna need some ice
too.
- Some ice too.
What do you think, should we gofind him?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we should.
Give me a minute though.
I'm gonna call my fiance.
- Hey.
- [Shane] Yeah?
- I told you she was hot.
- [Shane] Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
- [Faith] I see that.
It's really cool.
- That's all Cgs, and computer
effects,
and all that crazy shit.
- [Faith] Wow.
- Yeah, I brought it out here
actually
to have him sign it from my son.
Got a little four-year-old boy
here.
- Oh my God, he's cute.
- Oh yeah, he's a little
maniac, let me tell you.
- Well let me tell you,
you'd better enjoy him
while he's a little maniac.
- Why, you got a couple of big
maniacs?
- Oh yeah, I have a big maniac
and he's a big enough maniac
to go around for everybody.
- Well I'm sure he'll grow out
of it.
I can't tell you the hell
I put my mom through.
- Well, that would be pretty
hard to do from prison.
- Oh,
I'm not really good atresponding to things like that.
- Don't worry about it, it's
okay.
- If you don't mind me
asking, what happened?
- No, I don't mind.
He's in for murder.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay, don't worry about
it.
I mean, it's not really
a fresh wound, you know?
I don't wanna ruin your
breakfast.
- Oh no, no, no, no, no, you'refine.
My friends already did a numberon my day.
So tell me, he actually killed
someone?
- Yeah, he did, he
actually killed someone.
- Wow, was it an accident?
- No, he stabbed him.
But I'm proud of him now.
- Why, that's a little fucked
up?
- No, I'm not proud of himbecause he stabbed him, you ass.
I'm proud of him because
he's written a book.
- Good, 'cause I was about
to ask for this coffee to go.
- It's called "Two Ways To Go
West."
It's pretty cool.
It's like a Western about this
rancher
who has this murderous past.
And the bad guys come in
and they like burn his farm.
So, he heads West to take
revenge.
But really, the story
is within the journey
because then he realizes
that he's better off not killingthem
and he finds this inner peace.
- Wow, how does it end?
[door bell chiming]
- Your buddies?
- Yeah, if you can call
them that, that's them.
- Let me get your food, it
was nice talking to you.
You seem like one of the good
guys.
- I'm trying.
- [Faith] Hey guys.
- [Gavin] Hey.
- [Faith] Coffee?
- [Shane] Yes, please.
- [Faith] You got it.
- Alright, listen, pal,
I'm detective Johnny McNabb
and this is my partner.
- Detective Shit For Brains.
- Yeah.
- So what happened in this
episode, boys?
Did you two finally manage
to wipe your own asses yet?
- Actually, I learned that Ican't solve the case on my own,
I need my partners to
have my back detective.
- Detective McDouchebag, right?
- Well, I learned,
I learned...
Can I?
- Oh, now you wanna see it?
- [Gavin] Yeah.
- Well, I've been waiting
for you to sign it.
- Jesus.
- Bring back memories?
- Yeah, a little bit.
Learned a few things.
Don't forget where you come
from.
- Sounds like a pretty
shitty episode to me.
- Yeah, maybe so, but,
I really think it will get the
show back on the right track.
- Yeah.
- You know,
- I keep thinking that,
but it always winds up being
the same bullshit every time.
- Give it another shot.
- At this point I'm stuck with
it,
I'm too old for a new show.
- There's nothing else good on
anyway.
It's all shit one way or
another.
- What do you say, Marty?
We try again?
- As fun as you two are to be
around.
I miss Hope and the kids.
- [Faith] Here you go.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- [Faith] You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- [Faith] What could I get you
guys?
- I'll have the French toast.
- [Faith] You got it, and you?
[sighing]
- I will have the French
toast too, please.
[upbeat music]
♪ I miss my friends
♪ My old school friends
♪ The ones that I've known all
my life ♪
♪ I spent so long
pushing their love away ♪
♪ Now it cuts and it bites
♪ I had this dream that
I saw all of them ♪
♪ And we talked but we
knew that we'd changed ♪
♪ Some had seen money,
and some had seen debt ♪
♪ But, none of them were the
same ♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna feel the love again
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
♪ I can't forget getting
drunk in the woods ♪
♪ With some liquor stolen
from the market shelf ♪
♪ I drink a whole plastic CherryCoke bottle full of wine ♪
♪ And I thought I'd killed
myself ♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna feel their love again♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
♪ Kissing the same girls
♪ Taking their sweet pearls
♪ And giving ours away at the
same time ♪
♪ Man, I turn each memory
into this perfect summertime ♪
♪ I know they're there
♪ I know where
♪ I could see their faces everyday ♪
♪ All these pixeled pictures
♪ I'll study them like
scriptures ♪
♪ And I still feel so far away
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna feel their love again♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
And all you have to do is not doit.
That's all you have to do, is
not do it.
Just don't do it.
You look in the mirror,
you open your mouth
and you stick out your tongue,
and oh, it's too late, it's toolate.
I'll quit tomorrow.
And then you do, you do.
But you're never not an addict
though.
[dramatic music]
You're just waiting for an
excuse to use.
And then something comes
along and gets you clean.
So you think, it just swaps,
just swaps.
[clanking]
[soft music]
♪ I'm trying so hard not
to love him too fast ♪
♪ Round up all the horses
and race 'round the track ♪
♪ Well, life's a round
reality and never look back ♪
♪ Want a real hard love
that's better than that ♪
♪ I'm trying so hard not to burymyself ♪
♪ Beneath the dirt and the
flowers of somebody else ♪
♪ Yeah, beauty is blinding
and darkness runs deep ♪
♪ Wanna hold onto him
and still hold onto me ♪
♪ Cocaine and whiskey rye
♪ They don't even compare
to how love makes me high ♪
♪ So I won't push my love
♪ I'll sober up
♪ I won't feed off of it 'til itdies ♪
♪ Mm mm mm mm mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm
♪ I'm trying so hard to
stay right where I am ♪
♪ I'll drive my mind in
reverse to speed up ahead ♪
♪ Breakdown on a road that
just leaves me for dead ♪
♪ Want the peace of the present♪
- Hey.
♪ To steer me instead
- What's up, what are you doing?
- You know what?
I can't do this thing.
Can you help me get
this, man, you're better?
- [Shane] Marty, you
didn't bring a clip on?
You should know how to tie a
tie.
- Well then fuck you,
pal, I'm not wearing it.
- You gotta wear it, man.
- Anyway, so now she's
still ringing the phone,
and still nothing.
- Well, yeah, he's not
gonna stop that affair.
- No, no, no, here's the
punchline.
This guy was out on the fuckinglake fishing all morning.
- Fishing?
- He was out on the Lake
fishing.
He missed a day's pay, okay.
A strike against him.
Who knows what with his fuckingugly wife.
All so he can go sit out
on the lake, and what?
Go fishing.
- That's it?
- That's it, just wanted to
fish.
He didn't even feel bad.
- Did he catch anything?
- [Marty] I don't know, that's
not the fucking point, man.
- Then what's the point, Marty?
- The point is you don't listen.
- I'm listening!
All I'm saying is if he had
reeled in a three foot pike,
then maybe it was worth his
trouble.
- Getting ready for what?
Getting ready for your show?
Yes, I'm excited, I'm
excited to see Marty.
I miss him, so, that'll be fun.
They may have like a yacht
thing set up, I don't know.
You know how San Francisco is.
- Will you relax, bro?
He just text me a half hour
ago, he just got into Vegas.
I don't know why we can't
just go to a Coney Island.
I want French toast.
- If it's about the money,
I don't want you worrying
about it, I got it covered.
- No, no, no, this weekend
is on me and Gavin.
All right, so get your ID,
maybe some gambling money,
and leave your fat fucking
wallet here.
- Gavin couldn't of sprung
for a suite on the strip
and cashed residual or
something?
- I booked the room.
- Room's pretty nice, Marty.
- Fuck you, pal.
He's giving me cash anyway,
okay,
'cause he wanted to stay off thegrid.
- Oh yeah, right, his sponsor.
- That or his girl.
- Oh my God.
All right, what is it this
time model or actress?
- It's a dancer.
- You're kidding me.
How conducive can that
be to his situation?
- No, no, she's a legit
fucking dancer, bro.
She works at one of
those shows on the strip.
- Well, it would be a real
shame if she busted him here.
- All right, I'll let you get
back to it.
I just wanted to tell you that Ilove you
and that I'll talk to you soon,okay?
All right, one day, that's it.
All right, love you, bye.
- [Shane] At least let me finishfirst.
- You sick bastard.
- Prude bastard.
What, two is it?
- Two and a half.
- That's right, Marty Half
hand, truly a wild man.
- I got it out at a young age.
- Yeah, they call it settling
down for a reason, Marty.
- Fuck you, pal, aren't you
about to do the same thing?
- Yes,
[sighing]
I am.
[knocking on door]
- He's here, play nice, asshole.
He's a good guy, unless you're abad guy.
- Not even a foot in the
fucking door yet, Jesus, man
give me a fucking break.
- [Marty] How you doing, man?
- Oh man, I feel like I just
walked in
a fucking time machine.
- [Shane] It's good to see you
Gavin.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, man.
- [Marty] Don't call him Gavin.
That's Johnny fucking McNabb.
- Calm down, Marty, all right?
You can get his autograph later.
- Nobody wants my autograph
anymore.
- Come on bro, it's just a speedbump.
- Yeah, well anyway.
What are we doing, what's the
deal?
Shouldn't Shaney be half
shot in the ass by now?
- No, no, no, no.
I think we're gonna do the
dry thing this weekend.
- Oh yeah, nice.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro, that
one's mine.
- You guys realize that I can'tget drunk
if you drink it, right?
I'm fine, seriously, can
we just have a good night?
- Great!
[chuckling]
- So how about a Coney Island
for dinner?
- French toast?
- I'm not going to Coney Island.
- How's Hope doing, by the way?
- Well, she's doing actually
pretty good.
She's up at her ma's in TraverseCity.
- Yeah, but, you know what I
mean.
Is she all right?
What's going on?
- I'm going to Coney
Island before I leave here.
All right, assholes?
And what's this world
renowned restaurant anyway,
bachelor boy?
- Actually, you know,
I had a change a plans.
I got us tickets to go
see a show on the strip.
- Why'd you say it like that?
[both laughing]
Oh, fuck you, guys.
- All right, what's the deal,
who is she?
- Wait, wait, wait, let's do therundown.
- Oh, yeah, Latina for sure.
- Nope.
- Asian.
- Nope.
- Russian?
- No.
- Teriyakian.
- She's Filipino.
- I just said Asian,
it's the same thing.
- Oh, man.
- It's not the same thing.
- We got a dinner reservation
that we're late for
and I still gotta get dressed,
so, let's get rolling.
- [Marty] Please, 'cause
I'm fucking starving.
- All right, I just have
to piss and then I'm ready.
[cellphone chiming]
[dramatic music]
[toilet flushing]
[sink water running]
- [Shane] Yeah, babe, just goingout now.
- [Marty] Seriously, bro, just
get off the phone already.
- [Shane] Will you chill out,
bro?
Why don't you call Annabelle orsomething?
[dramatic music]
- [Gavin] What you gonna do
Marty?
- [Marty] I'm going all in.
- [Gavin] I call, Shane,
grab me a slice, will ya?
- [Shane] Yeah, you got
it, cheese or pepperoni?
- [Gavin] Pepperoni, please.
What do you got?
- I got nothing, it's
unbelievable.
- He always has a hand,
that guy's always been the luckyone.
- Not a game of luck, my
friend, you know that.
- Completely a game a luck.
- Okay, Shane, you're
right, it's a game a luck.
- Well, did you earn those
cards?
Did you have to work for 'em?
No, they were handed to you.
- Well, I was patient until
the right cards came along
and then I took a chance
and played 'em right.
- It's ironic logic coming froma person
who has a lucky number
tattooed on their hand.
- Well, that's true.
But this is a little different.
- I'm just saying, you play
the cards that you're dealt
whatever the fuck they are.
- I guess we'll see either way
when he blows them on the bluff.
- But if I do, I'll go
out and win some more.
How's your folks?
- Same old, still living back inDetroit.
What do you think this is?
- I don't know, is it like a
Formica?
- [Shane] Yeah, it could be.
- It's really sturdy.
- Wow, it's good craftsmanship.
- Yeah, it's really nice,
I was just thinking.
Where do you think he went?
- I don't know.
- So, how's our boys?
You ready for the surprise?
Huh, look at this.
- [Gavin] And, what is it?
- Oh shit, sorry about that.
- Oh my God.
- Woo!
- Okay, now you remember?
Deja vu anybody?
- [Shane] Holy cow.
- [Gavin] You do not
still have that.
- This.
Okay.
- [Shane] What.
- [Marty] So, should we play?
- I'm not playing that game?
If you could change one
thing about your body,
what would it be?
- Look at this thing, oh my God.
- My nose and my dick size.
[laughing]
- All right, it was too easy.
Marty, you would change
that horrible nose,
and Gavin would lose his baby
dick.
- What's wrong with my nose?
- I was actually nose, I'm
pretty content with my dick
size,
thank you, though.
- It's not that it's little,
it could just always be bigger,right?
- See, that's exactly
what somebody would say
with a baby dick.
- Gavin has a point, Marty.
- Fuck you guys.
It's my turn, all right...
How old will you guys
be when you get married?
- Oh man.
You set this one up.
- 28.
And 28.
- [Marty] You're gay, wow,
I always land on that.
- Whoa, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, how does thatwork?
- What are you talking about,
dude?
You both said 28, I can't get itwrong.
- No kidding, Sherlock,
I'm talking to this one.
- I wanted to wait until after
this weekend to tell you guys
because I didn't wanna steal
your thunder
or anything like that, but--
- [Marty] Don't start, Shane.
- No, no, I got a couple
of questions, that's all.
- Ask away.
- All right.
Who is this girl you're
apparently marrying this year?
- This girl is named Addie,
the one I told you about.
- Addie, that's right.
This is the Filipino one, right?
The dancer, the [speaking
in foreign language]
- Yeah, that's the one.
That's the only girlfriend I
have.
I know that's a tough concept.
- [Marty] Oh God, here we
go board flip, T minus two.
- Oh no, I'm not sure
what you mean by that?
- If you could go back
in time to any one day,
what day would it be and why?
- "I picked the day Hope
served us at Coney Island
"because the way her ass
filled those fucking jeans."
I picked the day Gavin moved toLA,
because I'd smacked some sense
into him.
- I already know I want the
day that Shane fucked my ex
because it's not like we were
best friends or anything.
- [Marty] Oh, wow, this
is really a lotta fun.
- Here we go.
You know what?
I wanna change mine.
I pick the day Gavin got on
television
and became too good for his
friends.
- I didn't become too good
for Marty, just for you.
- You haven't been too good
for anybody in the last year.
- [Marty] Oh, fuck you, Shane.
He doesn't mean that, G.
- [Shane] No, I do.
I really do.
- Will you shut you?
It's okay, anyway.
I remember this one, I wrote
this one.
How many times have you
jerked off in one day?
- Listen, Shane,
I know the past few years
have been really fucked up withme.
I know that, and I have some
regrets.
But the heaviest is this thing
with you,
and I just wanna make amends.
I was mad, okay?
I wasn't over it, I'm sorry.
I mean that, I'm sorry, both ofyou.
Okay?
Now can we please have a good
time
celebrating you and your
beautiful soon to be
before I flip the fucking board?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- No, seriously though, guys,
how many times in one
day have you jacked off?
[Gavin laughing]
If you put your tongue
down here like that,
try to talk without moving yourtongue.
- The darker featured, like--
- What the fuck, man?
Why do you always
get to be the cool guy?
- Dude, he was sexy as fuck.
♪ Please never go
- You're probably gonna be
the backup singer, right?
I got a guy that's gonna
shoot our album cover.
- I can see it.
- Your eyes are drying out.
What the fuck?
I'm the backup singer?
- No, no, no I think if Marty
comes in
with like a rap type thing.
♪ We've been moving like we're
soap going down the drain ♪
- And I'll be lead vocals,
obviously.
♪ I can't stop dreaming of you
- No, they were all
equally cool back then.
- Yeah, back then, now, what arethey?
- Marty!
- [Marty] What?
- Come on, man, I'm fucking
bored.
- [Shane] Marty, where's your
stripper?
- Where is she?
- [Marty] What do you want,
guys?
- It's been like two fucking
hours, I wanna go gamble.
- You know what?
I'm just like, I'm so
flabbergasted by your social
media
and the comments you get on
here.
- You're flabbergasted?
- Yeah.
There's like a hundreds of
comments a day from hot chicks
that you don't even acknowledge.
- What do you want
me to do?
- Have you seen
this shit, man?
- Oh, I look at it every day.
- I think you should reevaluatereading the comments on here
and who you're gonna reply to.
- I hate reading that shit.
- Have you tried any DMing on
here?
- People are so fucking mean onthere.
- Marty, tell me what a DM is?
- What do you mean?
It's a fucking inbox message.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
- What is it again?
- [Marty] It's the same
thing as an inbox message.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
- Why are you calling it that?
- [Marty] Because DM is inbox
message
and if you wanna step
your game up even further
you send her a meme.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
Okay, I'm talking like extra
funny memes.
- Why would I send her a meme?
- Could you imagine?
- Because if you don't send a
meme,
how is she gonna know your senseof humor?
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
What are you waiting on, man?
You should send multiple
inboxes, man.
What the fuck?
You know what?
- No, you're absolutely right.
- You know what?
I can't even look at this
anymore.
All I know is I shoulda
been famous like you, pal.
Because I woulda been inboxing
all of 'em.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
You know what?
Wait a minute, I just
thought of something.
- Are you gonna go inbox a
couple people?
- What the fuck is the matter
with him?
- [Shane] Oh my God.
- Was he always like that?
- [Shane] Yeah, he was.
- Oh my God.
[laughing]
- Oh yeah, inbox this, guys.
Look at this, man.
You know what this is?
Does anybody know what this is
at all?
- No idea.
- No, you have no idea?
- No, what is it?
- Couldn't possibly guess what
this is?
- If it's a picture of your
mom I'm gonna be very upset.
- You're close, but no.
- Come on, what is it?
- [Marty] Bang.
- Oh, dude.
- [Marty] Do you remember this?
- What is it?
I can't see it.
Jesus Christ, Marty.
- [Gavin] What the
fuck?
- You need one of these
in your office over your desk,
man.
- Oh my God.
- [Gavin] What the fuck
is the matter with you?
- What do you mean?
- Oh my God!
- [Gavin] Dude.
- What are you talking about?
- [Gavin] Dude, this is
too fucking much, come on.
- This fucking poster
is fucking sick, dude.
- [Gavin] Dude, you have a
poster of me.
- What do you mean?
Listen, I want you to
sign this fucking thing.
- I'm not signing that
fucking thing, dude.
You need to get rid of that.
- First of all,
lookit, this is the sickest
poster.
Look at the fire in your eyes
here, man.
What do you mean?
Look how sick this is.
- Are you out of your mind?
- First of all, this was
limited.
I had to order this off Ebay,
dude.
- Oh, you hear that?
Ebay, he got it off Ebay.
- I did.
- You couldn't have it inboxed?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not only that, but I
had to pay for fucking--
- Dude, seriously, that's
not fucking cool, man.
- I had to pay for two
day shipping on this, man.
- Dude.
- Listen, I'm a power seller onEbay.
I mean, this is just fucking
awesome, that's all I know.
I want you to sign it.
Are you gonna sign the tiny
city?
- I'm not fucking signing that.
- Right on the bottom.
And, if you put it all togetherwith the fire in your eye,
the exploding gun, that
fucking flammable tiny cities,
it's like...
Look at these, wait.
- It's not a tiny city, it's
just a city.
- [Marty] I even picture
these guys as alien warriors.
Look, they're like alien--
- They're SWAT team members!
- [Marty] No, these are alien
warriors.
- What the fuck is the matter
with you?
- [Marty] These are like
fucking reptilian shape
shifting hybrids, man,
I'm telling you right now.
- [Shane] Shape shifting
hybrids?
- [Marty] Yeah, look at the
poster.
- [Shane] I've seen the
poster, you just showed me.
- It's a police show.
It's a police show.
- [Marty] There are shape
shifting hybrids
in the sewer systems on
this show, I know it.
[all laughing]
[snickering]
- Marty, tell us a story.
- Guy at work, he had to
shave his eyebrows off.
- What the fuck?
- No, listen, fuck head.
- You work with the strangest
people.
- So this apprentice goes
down river to this strip club
with his buddies from work,
and this place is a real fuckingdisaster.
It shoulda been condemned, or
torn down, or I don't know,
maybe new staff.
The apprentice and his buddies
decide we wanna run a bet
who can go the furthest
with one of these fucking
mutated,
monster, these cellulite,
skid mark having,
cobble pot looking strippers.
[Shane and Gavin laughing]
And I'm talking track marks,
snot running down their nose.
That's the kind of place it was.
You didn't have to tip much
there.
Listen, put it this way,
they even serve potato skins
with like,
who's gonna want potato
skins in this fucking place
when you have your fist up
somebody's ass?
Guys are fucking doing
shots off the girl's tits.
This guy's doing shots off a
girl's ass.
I'm talking about crazy
shit happening here.
So, the young apprentice wants
to show off
in front of his coworkers and hedecides,
well, you know what?
I'm good with my tongue.
He's gonna go down on one
of these classic mutants,
you know, with like a
'70s "Boogie Nights" bush.
So he's focused, he's doesn't
care.
He wants to go down on her.
Tongue, bush, tongue, bush,
tongue, bush, tongue, bush,
potato skins, potato skins.
He goes down on her.
He wakes up the next day, hestarts clawing at his eyebrows,
and flaking, and flaking, and
irritation.
He's got crabs in his eyebrows.
Shaves 'em right off.
- [Gavin] No way.
- Wait a second.
Wouldn't they not be crabs
though
if they're in his eyebrows?
- [Shane] What?
- Wouldn't it just be lice
because it's not in his pubes?
- No, it'd still be crabs
because its origination
was somebody's pubes.
- No, I mean, crabs are
defined based on the fact
that they inhabit a pubic
region.
If they were to be relocated viathe story
to somebody's eyebrows,
they would just be lice.
- Okay.
Listen, you relocated
to California, right?
- [Gavin] Yeah.
- But your origination
was Detroit, correct?
You carry that with you?
- No, no, no, no, I've
assimilated, I'm one of them
now.
- Mm-mm, no, no, you act like
one of them, you pretend.
But a crab can never act, or
pretend,
or play the part of
anything other than a crab.
It would always be seen as
something
that originated in somebody's
pubes.
Therefore, it could never
assimilate.
It would always be shunned
by any of the other infesting
inhabitants.
- Well excuse me, Shane.
I would like to think
that that even a crab
could leave his dirty past
behind him.
- The point is, keep your
face out of her pussy
before she gets here.
- No, no, no, no.
I will clear her seat when she
arrives.
- You would really let
her sit on your face?
- Yeah, I absolutely would.
I'm sorry.
- No, I don't think so,
'cause it's just gonna be dances
'cause that's all I paid for,
guys.
- Shall I retrieve my wallet?
And Gavin, don't sit
there and pretend like
you've never slept with a
stripper.
- I haven't, I swear.
- Really?
- Come on.
- Yeah, really.
- You mean to tell me after allof that
you never wound up sleeping withone?
- No, I didn't.
And I never did it for
fun or for the thrills.
You know, I guess if I
had sex with somebody,
I always preferred to
be the fucked up one.
- Don't sit there and tell me
that you weren't having fun,
man.
I saw the pictures on your
social media
with the models, and the
parties, and the craziness.
Dude, it looks like a lotta funto me.
- No, I mean, I may have done
some things
that some people wouldconsider fun, but I don't know.
I don't really remember.
- See, there you go.
You did it, but you don't
remember.
If you weren't having any fun atall,
why would you continue to do it?
- Don't get me wrong, I was
enjoying it,
it felt really fucking good.
That's why I continued to do it.
The problem is that, that'sthe only thing that feels good.
You know, kinda like it
desaturates everything, you
know?
It's like, that's a wrap.
- Is that set speak?
I don't really follow what
you're saying.
- That's a wrap.
You know, that's a wrap on sex,
on fun, on friends, on
family, on your job,
that's a wrap on everything,
but getting fucking high.
You know.
- It's terrifying.
- Yeah, it is.
I've killed the buzz here, I'm
sorry.
- No, bro, you're cool.
- Well, I think we're
having a shower anyway,
before she gets here, if she
ever does.
- She'll be here.
[dramatic music]
[cell phone chiming]
- Here's to my favorite
prick lawyer in the world.
Nobody else I'd call if I were
in trouble
or caught in the rain.
15 years of friendship, and
a lifetime of happiness.
And to one piece of pussy
for the rest of your life.
- I don't know about all that,
but...
- You know this, it's gonna
put a damper on the night.
But I'm a little buzzed, so fuckit.
- What's wrong buddy, everythingokay?
- Well, we hope so.
[cell phone vibrating]
Is that Annabelle?
Tell her I say hi.
- Mm-mm, no, no, no.
She's probably just sleeping orsomething.
It's just one of my interns.
- What the fuck is she doing up?
- Something about a case.
- All right, look bro, she's
gonna be here any minute now,
so you know what?
Let me just get this out.
- You wanna see your picture?
- Whose?
- My intern.
- Why the fuck would I wanna seea picture
of your intern, dude?
I'm trying to talk to you, man.
- Because she's got a great ass,
and it's my bachelor party,
and your stripper still
isn't even here yet.
- Great ass.
Let's see.
Oh no, that is a great ass.
♪ I'll shout it out
♪ If you're there alone
♪ Realize I had a good ways to
go ♪
♪ I had no supplies
♪ No lover to hold
♪ It got cold
♪ It got cold
♪ And I speed on the pavement
♪ Stuck to the weed
♪ Choked on the ruthlessness
inside me ♪
♪ Oh, it's just blood on your
knees, blood on your knees ♪
- Hey, hey, honey.
♪ Don't know anytime to die
- Yep, the stripper is right
here, actually, and she's...
Oh yeah, she's pretty fucking
smoking hot.
♪ Just pick up your feet
♪ Stop at a station with lotterya lie ♪
♪ They promised a fortune
on this glory night ♪
♪ And you win my money ♪
♪ And crawl in my dreams
♪ Yeah, I tripped over nothing
♪ Fell down and grieved
♪ Oh, it's just blood on your
knees, blood on your knees ♪
♪ I don't know anytime to die
♪ So quit worrying, wasting,
and wondering why me ♪
♪ Just pick up your feet mm-hmmmm ♪
♪ Oh baby, are you feeling
sorry for yourself ♪
♪ Are you mad that you got dirty♪
♪ Are you blaming someone else
[Gavin breathing hard]
♪ You know
[suspenseful music]
- Yo, yo, what's up, man?
Yeah, no, I just got your
messages.
Yeah, yeah, I just got in town.
Uh-huh.
Oh good, yeah.
Hey, why don't you come pick meup?
All right, cool.
Yeah, I'm somewhere in, I'll
send my location, all right?
We're in the penthouse,
come on up, all right?
Yeah.
- Yeah, she split, bro.
What'd you do, whip it out, G?
She didn't even take her tits
out yet.
[laughing softly]
[dramatic music]
- I never understood whypeople would think that addicts
didn't know they had a problem.
Of course you know.
You taste it in your teeth everymorning.
It doesn't make a difference.
- [Marty] Are you okay?
- And you believe it, you
believe
it, you really believe it.
And they know.
They know, and they're
right, they're right.
They're right.
And all you have to do is not doit.
That's all you have to do, is
not do it, just don't do it.
You look in the mirror,
and you open your mouth,
and you stick out your
tongue, and oh, it's too late.
[chuckling]
It's too late.
I'll quit tomorrow.
And then you do.
You do.
But you're never not an addict
though.
You're just waiting for an
excuse to use.
And then something comes
along and gets you clean.
So you think it just swaps, it
just swaps.
And it's a fucking wrap.
- Don't do it, G.
Don't do it, G, no,
don't fucking do it, man.
[dramatic music]
- [Shane] Man, what the fuck?
- Why don't you shut the fuck
up, Shane?
Go find yourself another
stripper to probably try and
fuck
behind your fiance's back.
- Bro, what the fuck, man?
- Excuse me.
Look, man, don't take
your relapse out on me.
- G, listen, why don't you
just go in the bathroom,
puke that shit out, come back
out here,
we can all just chill out?
- What are you even doing here,Marty?
You should be at home with Hope,
this is fucking ridiculous,
you did not belong here.
- Well first of all, he is here
because he's one of the
only friends that you have.
- I said, shut the fuck up,
Shane!
You don't know the first thing
about fucking friendship,
so I don't wanna hear
another goddamn word, okay,
we both fucking know you.
- What's he talking about?
- Nothing, man,
clearly he's just fucking
pissed off right now.
So if we just give him a minute.
- Yeah, clearly, you just
terrified that poor girl!
- Yeah, I terrified her
right off your fucking cock,
you fucking pervert.
Now I know you, I know you.
And I know you only
came here to get fucked,
so why don't you go and get
fucked?
I am sure she will never know!
- You know what?
Stop saying that.
What did I ever do to you?
Like honestly, what,
I slept with an
ex-girlfriend five years ago?
- What did you do to me?
Are you fucking serious?
What did you do to me?
What did you fucking do to me,
Shane?
Where were you, huh?
No, I seriously wanna know, I
wanna know,
I wanna know right now,
where the fuck were you?
- What are you even talking
about?
- Marty was there, where were
you?
- You know what?
[chuckling]
I'm not sticking around for thisshit.
You've always been a selfish
asshole,
and you will always be a selfishasshole.
- Why don't you fucking
do something about it
and stop running your smart
fucking mouth?
- [Marty] Just stop, fucking
stop, please.
- Shut up, shut up, Marty.
Sit down, sit down, Marty,
- Stop, man.
- I'm not fucking kidding, sit
down.
Do something, Shane, do
it, finally fucking do it.
Finally fucking do
something, you piece of shit.
[suspenseful music]
[Gavin panting]
- Look, man,
I'm sorry bud, but that shit
right there,
that shit was bound to happen.
I know you wanted to have a goodweekend
and you wanted to bring
the boys back together,
but I'm not sticking around
for that shit, have fun.
- When I was a little girl
on my island, where I'm from,
there was this bridge that
all the guys would go to
and they would carry these big
rocks
and they would jump off the
bridge.
And the rock would carry them
all the way down to the bottom.
They would stay down there
and they could see everything
because the water was so clear.
And they'd collect
things like sea urchins,
and starfish, sand dollars.
I don't know what you guys callit,
but in my language it's called
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
And they would sell it
or they would eat it
and that's how they
would make their living.
- We'll open up a shop on
the beach and we'll sell.
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
- I don't wanna get anything.
I just wanna be down there.
And I'll brush the sand like
this.
And then I'll brush it
and I'll see if I can search forstingrays
because they like to hide underthe sand.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- How are you gonna get back up?
- Just swim.
- Well, how deep is it?
- Like 30 feet.
- 30 feet,
and you're gonna swim?
- Is that deep?
- Yeah, that's deep.
- Okay, like 20 feet.
- Oh, just 20.
That's it.
- That's it.
But I wanna go, and even
if it's just for a minute
it's gonna be worth it.
- What if you run outta air?
- That's the fun part.
You actually run out of air.
- You're nuts.
- Go with me.
[groaning]
- Soak it up, buddy.
- I'm not hungry.
- Hello, I don't give a shit
if you're a Gandhi on a
hunger strike, eat the burger.
- I don't like pickles.
- Just pick them off.
- It'll still taste like
pickles.
It'll always taste like pickles.
- You need to eat it.
- Maybe I do need it.
Maybe I deserve it.
- So eat it.
- No.
I just won't eat.
- Why the fuck not?
- 'Cause everything that I did
was for a burger without
pickles.
And not loving me.
- I'm sure the burger loves you,pal.
Really, just take a bite and
see.
- I guess I'm ruined too,
so why should I be able to
have the perfect burger?
- What do you wanna
fucking filet mignon, man?
[cell phone ringing]
- The burger can go fuck
itself, Marty, no pickles.
- I get that you're a
little wasted right now.
You're not making much sense.
So just try and be straight withme
'cause all this bullshit
you're spewing out
about this burger is like reallymaking me salitate over it.
- Go ahead, take a bite,
everybody else does.
- Look, whatever it is
you're going through Gavin,
you'll get through, man,
you always came out.
I can't watch you
- Jesus Christ.
- go down this road,
man, what are you doing?
Why the fuck are you laughing?
Seriously, I'm trying
to be serious with you.
You always take everything
so much harder than everyone
else.
We all got fucking problems, G!
Seriously, bro, see this shit,
you were never fucking happy,
man.
Even in Detroit, you bailed on
us
as soon as you got the gas
money.
- Happy with what?
Huh?
There was nothing for me there.
You know what I wanted to do
and you were supposed to have myback.
- Didn't I?
Didn't I have your fucking back,dude.
Didn't you have me,
didn't you have Nicole?
- Don't fucking talk about
Nicole, Marty.
- Why shouldn't I?
I was the one, I was the
shoulder she cried on
to try and convince me to
get you to come back home.
Did I ever even ask you or tellyou once?
- I said don't fucking
talk about her, okay?
- Then you go and book a fuckingshow,
me being the only moron
that believes in you,
and you throw all that away too.
- I was depressed, okay?
I didn't have anybody,
I didn't have anyone.
- I don't understand why
you didn't come home,
or why didn't ask anyone for
help?
- You had family.
I wasn't gonna call
Shane after what he did.
I was supposed to come home
with my tail between my legs.
Fuck that.
You all think it's some big
party for me.
I'm fucking dying, Marty.
- That's not you, G.
- I tweaked my back.
I tweaked my back working out.
That's it.
My roommate at the time, he
said,
"Here, take one of these."
I didn't know what it was,
all I needed was an aspirin.
It was Oxy.
It's like 10 milligrams, that'snothing.
But it made me happy.
It made me happy when I had
become content
with being miserable.
Fuck man, it doesn't happen
like it does in the movies,
it just happens, you know?
- I'm trying to understand, man.
Why tonight, G?
- Fine,
[cell phone ringing]
fuck it.
Hello?
[crying]
Goddammit Addie,
what the fuck is wrong with you?
- No fucking way, G, no way,
pickles?
- [Gavin] Yeah, Marty, pickles.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah, holy shit.
- You know, not too long
ago, maybe like a week ago,
Hope asked me to go to the storefor her.
She's not feeling too well
lately
and she used to do all the
shopping
so I went and kept thinking to
myself,
how does she do this, man,
she's so good at this?
And something so simple
seemed hard because
there's just so much going
on in this grocery store.
There's so many aisles, so
many items, so many things.
It's the same thing with
pickles, G.
There're a million
pickles in the sea, man.
You know what I mean?
There're a million
different kinds of pickles,
all shapes and sizes, types.
Short pickles, fat
pickles, mutated pickles,
crazy pickles.
I didn't know how to be there
for her.
So, like a coward I ran in the
basement
and I just got hammered every
night.
I don't know how she
didn't smell it on me,
but she never gave me shit aboutit.
Maybe she just smelled it,
but didn't have the heart.
We drink through the hard times,G.
It's what we do, man, it's justa drink.
You don't have to crash
and burn over this.
- That's what I do,
Marty, I crash and burn.
- That's not you, man.
- How is Hope holding up, by theway?
- She keeps a smile on
throughout for the kids.
- You never told Shane.
- He's not really good
with that sorta stuff.
- Yeah, I know.
[engine roaring]
- Oh, great, he's here.
- Look, Marty, I can see that
you need a friend right now.
I really am sorry to say,
but tonight I'm not that friend,okay?
[knocking on door]
- Shane, you have the
code, come on in, man.
Oh Christ, let me get that, I'llbe back.
- Marty, it's not Shane.
- [Pouch] Hey, what's up bro?
Is Gavin around?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no, there's no Gavin here.
I think you got the wrong room.
- This is the address he gave
me.
- There's nobody here named
Gavin, man.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay, sorry to have bothered
you.
What's your name?
- You can call me whatever
you wanna call me.
Just as long as it's not Gavin,
'cause there's no Gavin here.
- You know, I've been
wanting to take a leak
for like the last hour,
is it okay if I use your
bathroom though?
- We gotta girl in here.
- You know what, maybe she's gota friend?
We can make a night of it,
I do got the party favors,
the party goods.
- What do you say?
- You know what, man?
She's not really in a friendly
mood.
- Oh yeah?
Why don't we let her decide?
Hollywood!
Yo Hollywood, Hollywood, there
you go.
- You got everything?
- I sure do.
- Yo, man, what the f, Gavin?
Gavin?
- You know the routine
as long as you got the green.
- Gavin, what's in that
fucking pouch, bro?
- Let your boy do his thing,
man.
Yo, let your boy do his
thing, come here, come here.
You said I could call you
whatever I want, right?
I think I'm gonna call you
Scruffy.
You know I have a little
kid, he's beautiful.
He comes to me, he goes,"Daddy, Bobby just got a doggy,
"he can sit, he can stay, do
you know what I'm gonna do
"if I get a dog?"
[suspenseful music]
- [Gavin] You're always mad at
me.
- Not always.
- My son's up all fucking night
trying to teach this dog new
tricks.
You know what the dog's doing?
- [Addison] Are you gonna do
that all?
- And I put them in my car and
I take him off to the desert,
I snap his fucking neck like a
breadstick.
- Scuba diving, no.
- [Shane] Why not?
- [Pouch] So shut the fuck up,
and sit, and stay, Scruffy.
- 'Cause I don't wanna
have to trust anything.
It ruins it, I wanna be downthere with no tank or anything.
- [Shane] How are you gonna
breathe?
- [Addison] I'm gonna use a
rock.
- [Shane] Okay, use a rock to dowhat?
- [Addison] You'll see.
- [Shane] Oh yeah?
- When I was a little girl
on my island that I'm from
there was this bridge that
all the guys would go to
and they would carry these big
rocks
and they would jump off of a
bridge.
And the rock would carry them
all the way down to the bottom.
They just stay there.
[dramatic music]
- [Marty] Gavin, Gavin, what
the fuck are you doing, man?
- [Pouch] Let's go over here,
come on.
- [Addison] 'Cause even
if it's for a minute,
it'll be worth it.
- [Shane] What if you run outtaair?
- That's the fun part.
What if you run out of air?
- Let's go Hollywood.
- Gavin, I'm talking to you.
- [Pouch] Sit and stay, Scruffy.
- Gavin!
Oh fuck.
Gavin, buddy, it's Marty,
man, what the hell?
Where did you go?
We're really worried about you,all right?
So just give us a call back,
please, bye.
- Call the girl, he probably
went to go find her.
Hopefully he doesn't snap her
neck.
- I ordered her through a
service, okay?
They're not gonna give
her number out that easily
and I ordered a Filipino
because I thought you guys wouldlaugh.
- He didn't laugh though, Marty.
- This isn't a fucking joke,
bro, okay?
He can get himself killed,
that guy was fucking insane.
- Do you still have the
number to that service?
- Yeah, why?
It's right here.
- Dial it.
- I'm telling you right now
they're not gonna give you the
number.
- She's not in a SecretService, bro, she's a stripper.
Here, give me the phone.
Hi, how you doing?
Good, look, I just had a
quick question for you.
I was kinda hoping you'd beable help me out with something.
Well, the thing is,
you guys sent us this great
stripper and,
no, no, no, she was wonderful.
I'm sorry, dancer.
Sent us this amazing dancer,
I know you guys don't like thatterm,
but, she left a ring here
and it looks really expensive
and we just wanted to get it
back to her
before we took off in the
morning.
You would do that?
Oh my God, that would be
amazing.
Well, here's the thing, I
didn't catch her stage name,
but she actually, she gave
us her real name and it's...
- Addie.
- Addie, that's the one.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Got it, you're a lifesaver.
Thank you so much.
All right, yep, have a
wonderful night, bye.
Bunch a animals, they
actually gave it to me.
- Are you actually enjoying
this?
This is the fucking best mood
you've been in all night, man.
- Marty, this is what I do for aliving.
I solve people's problems.
Now here, we got the number,
just give her a call.
- It's not ringing, it's
ringing, it's ringing.
No voicemail.
Do I have to leave a voicemail?
Okay, I'll leave a voicemail.
Addie, it's Marty, Gavin's
friend.
Yeah, I know it was
really fucked up right now
and it's a little confusing,
but,
Gavin just took off and we can'tfind him.
We have no idea if he's okay.
So just please call us back
if you can when you see him?
Okay?
[sighing]
Man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the
fuck are you doing, man?
- What? I'm hungry.
- That's not yours to eat.
- I gotta eat, Marty.
- Do you even like pickles?
- What's with the interrogation?
- No, no, no, I'm just
wondering,
do you like pickles, man?
- No, I don't, but I'm hungry
so I don't really care.
- Where did you go anyway?
- What?
- I just asked where you went,
and I know you weren't fucking
fishing.
- I went for a drink,
Marty, is that okay to do
on my bachelor party in Vegas?
- Really, just a drink, that's
it?
- Yeah, I had a drink, I
played some cards, that's it.
- Yeah, how'd you do,
did you win anything?
- I broke even.
- Blackjack, poker?
- Blackjack.
I hit a double down for a couple100
and I dumped in a slot.
- Don't fucking lie to me, dude.
- [Shane] Why would I lie to
you?
- Because you would never put apenny
in a fucking slot machine!
So tell me exactly
where the fuck you were.
- What kinda celebration we
having here?
- You're gonna pull the
victim card out now?
You're gonna start sobbing?
- I'm just being honest with
you, Marty.
How much fun are we having rightnow?
- Oh, looks like you had a
fucking jolly old time to me.
- I did, I had a lotta fun.
I had a drink, I played
some cards, it was a blast.
- You have a lot of fun with
your intern back in New York?
- Christ on a side car, Marty.
I am not that guy.
- No, no, you are exactly
that fucking guy, man.
Both of you are.
You're both selfish and
ungrateful
and everything you have
that you don't appreciate
will be gone soon, trust me on
that.
- Oh my God.
- And I suggest you call back
home
before I fucking smack you.
- You want me to call Hope?
Why would I call your wife?
- Call home!
- Marty, it's six o'clock
in the morning in New York.
Annabelle is sleeping,
I'm not gonna wake her up.
- Well, I would hope that
you actually spoke to her
before she fell asleep,
'cause if Hope's asleep I'm
gonna leave a fucking message.
- Oh my God.
[knocking on door]
Marty, he's back.
[cell phone ringing]
- [Shane] You've reached
Shane at Pierce and Farmer
please leave your name and phonenumber
and I'll return your call.
[answering machine beeping]
- [Gavin] Yo, Shane, it's
Gavin, what's going on man?
It's been awhile.
I just wanna say congrats.
I am really happy you found
old macadamia, or whatever,
you know what I mean.
Anyway, look man, I just,
I wanted to talk to
you about next weekend.
I know it probably doesn't
make a difference to you,
and I don't know, maybe it does.
Maybe that's why I'm calling,
but, I can't do it, bro.
I'm gonna fucking fall
off if I go, I know it.
I wanted to do this thing,
I really fucking did.
I got a girlfriend now.
We met in rehab.
I know it's fucked up,
but I think I'd probably be deadby now
if she wasn't there for me so...
Oh, she's fucking hot too, bro.
You would fucking die,
you will love this one.
And you remember that
time we went downtown
like eight nights in a row to
shoot dice
'til like 6:00 a.m.?
We lied to Marty 'cause
he kept giving us shit
about having a problem.
I wish that was my only fuckingproblem.
We lost so much money.
We probably should have listenedto him a little bit more.
Man, I miss you guys.
Oh fuck!
[answering machine beeping]
- [Automated Voicemail] Todelete this message press seven.
[beeping]
- So, how was your night?
[whistling]
- What are you looking at?
- Could you pretend to
give a fuck for once?
- I do give a fuck, Marty.
What do you want me to do?
It's not exactly a big surprise
I don't know what he was
thinking coming here.
- For you!
- No, no, the record will
show that Vegas was your idea.
Yeah, what, before he almost
fucking died?
- Well, he didn't have to come.
- You're still ashamed of what
you did.
- Ashamed?
Marty, how many times
do I have to apologize?
He either forgives me where he
doesn't,
I can't go back in time.
- I don't understand how
you could make it seem like
he fucked your girlfriend
instead of the other way around
like it actually fucking
happened.
- Okay Marty, let's just drop
it.
Yeah, let's drop it.
You know what?
Let's just talk about your
intern.
- What do you want me to say,
Marty?
What, that I slept with my
intern?
Fine, you got me.
I slept with my intern,
I cheat on my fiance.
Does that make you happy,
are you're good now?
Huh, you heard what you wanted
to hear?
Jesus Christ, man.
It's not exactly something I'm
proud of.
- Well then stop fucking doing
it.
- Screw you Marty.
Hmm?
Screw you, and fuck Gavin. Okay.
I'm always under such a
magnifying glass with you too.
It's like whenever he screws up,
he's some poor little innocent
victim.
But whenever I screw up,
I'm a fucking monster.
- You know what?
No, I fully fucking acknowledgethat you are both selfish,
ungrateful, fucking assholes,
the only difference is
Gavin hurts himself.
You hurt everyone else around
you!
And your head is so far up
your own fucking ass, man,
you haven't once asked if Ineed anything or how I'm doing.
- Fine.
How you doing, Marty,
do you need anything?
- What, from you?
No, I learned not to haveexpectations with you years ago!
And how the fuck am I?
Not so great, Shane.
Hope's about to be back in
chemo.
And yet I'm still here
suffering for you two guys.
- Wait, Hope's back in chemo?
- Oh, don't try and play that
fucking friend card with me.
It's never been in your deck.
- You've never said
anything to me about this.
No, no, no, no, wait!
- [Marty] All I wanted was
some fucking French toast.
- Marty!
- Pumpkin pie.
Remember?
It was your first day out
and I came to pick you up.
I mean, if you think about it,
it was our real first date.
I asked, so what you wanna do?
You were so freaking cute and soserious.
I remember you said,
"Pumpkin pie, you down, pumpkinpie?"
Do you remember what I said?
I said.
- Pie not?
- Mm-hmm.
We went to the farmer's market
and you kept trying to eat frommy half
and I kept swatting you away.
- It wasn't fair.
Your half was bigger than mine.
- Oh, yeah.
- You cut it uneven.
You wanted wine so bad.
- Yeah.
- You remember what I said?
- Why not, baby?
- Why not, baby?
- And I said, you can't have
one, baby.
Not today, anyway.
You know we all have our demons,Gavin.
The trick is having one
that won't kill you.
- Addie.
Addie.
- [Addie] What?
- Addie.
- [Addie] What?
- Addison.
- [Addie] What?
Gavin, calm down.
- I am calm, baby.
- What?
[crying]
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- Oh, baby.
[soft music]
- I love you.
- I know, I know.
- I do love you, Addie, I do
love you.
[Gavin crying]
[soft music]
- Baby.
[Gavin retching]
[crying]
Hey.
- Hey.
- What'd you take, Gavin?
- I'm not puking from the drugs,
I don't puke from the drugs
anymore.
- What'd you take?
- I had a little whiskey.
- What else?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Mm-mm.
- Pills?
- Yeah, pills.
- Fuck.
What else?
- You.
Addie.
- Yeah?
- I have to tell you something.
- What?
- I didn't go to San Francisco.
[laughing]
- No shit!
So what do you wanna do
tomorrow?
Pumpkin pie?
- I don't know.
[groaning]
[sighing]
- [Shane] Answer the phone,
dickhead.
Yo, G, pick up the phone bro,
seriously.
For the record, Gavin,
you have absolutely ruined thisweekend.
Christ, man, you are such an
ass.
I hope you're happy in
there all passed out,
goddammit, what happened to us?
I know what happened to
us, I was a shit friend.
I am a shit friend.
Look man, I'm sorry.
Not for Nicole, for not being
there,
for not hopping on a plane
and picking your ass up
from fucking rehab, for
everything.
- [Gavin] Thanks.
- [Shane] You okay?
- I think my hand modeling
career's over.
- You gonna be able to
jerk off with that thing?
- I'll figure something out.
Where's Marty?
- [Shane] Out looking for
new childhood friends.
- Sounds about right.
Really?
- Really.
- If you could go back
in time to any one day,
what day would it be and why?
"I'd of told you about Nicole."
[Gavin chuckling]
You wouldn't go back
and not sleep with her?
That's a shitty use of time
travel, Shane.
- No, I would not go back and
not do it
because I don't think you
would've ever let her go
if that never happened.
- Oh, so you did me a favor.
- That's not what I'm saying,
Gavin,
I just think you're better off.
- It wouldn't have mattered
if you had told me.
It wouldn't have made a
difference, for the record.
- You wouldn't have respected
the fact
that I owned up to it?
- No, I wouldn't have respectedthe fact
that you owned up to it.
- I would have at least
respected myself.
I haven't really respected
myself since then.
- I haven't really respected
you since then either, so.
Come on, man, I'm fucking with
you.
- I'm trying to apologize to
you, Gavin.
- That was before doing
something
shitty made me feel bad.
I don't feel anything.
I wanted to be that guy growingup.
The guy in the movies that goeshome
and turns down the girl at the
bar,
and crawls into bed and
kisses his wife goodnight
and says he loves her.
He calls her on the phone
when he's in the car
just to sing her stupid
songs and hear her laugh.
He writes her poems on her
birthday.
I wanted to be that guy growingup.
- Well, that guy sucks.
- Does he?
I'm trying to have a serious
conversation
with you here, man.
- No, I'm being serious, that
guy sucks.
I don't know what you
want me to say, Shane.
I don't know why you're asking
me.
- Because you're my friend.
- Of all people.
We all got bugs, you know, it'sfine.
You got air in your lungs.
- I know what you mean,
we've got different bugs.
- We all got our demons, baby.
Just because yours won't kill
you
doesn't mean you don't have to
fight it.
She's the one?
- What?
Yeah, of course she's the one.
- Start today, be that guy.
It's worst things that are done,Shane.
- You don't think I should comeclean,
tell her what I've done?
- No, I don't think you
should come clean to her.
Go home,
get married, be happy.
- You don't think that's
a little fucked up?
- I think fucked up is relative.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- I'm seriously asking.
- Well, my hand is probably
broken, Shane.
- I'm not talking about your
hand.
- I punched that wall,
you know, I did that.
I chose to do that.
- That's a strange response.
- Well, maybe, but it
doesn't change the fact
that my fucking hand hurts.
- It's a consequence.
- And there's no sense
in pretending it's fine.
You just, I don't know,
tape it up or something
and keep moving.
- You're gonna need some ice
too.
- Some ice too.
What do you think, should we gofind him?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we should.
Give me a minute though.
I'm gonna call my fiance.
- Hey.
- [Shane] Yeah?
- I told you she was hot.
- [Shane] Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
- [Faith] I see that.
It's really cool.
- That's all Cgs, and computer
effects,
and all that crazy shit.
- [Faith] Wow.
- Yeah, I brought it out here
actually
to have him sign it from my son.
Got a little four-year-old boy
here.
- Oh my God, he's cute.
- Oh yeah, he's a little
maniac, let me tell you.
- Well let me tell you,
you'd better enjoy him
while he's a little maniac.
- Why, you got a couple of big
maniacs?
- Oh yeah, I have a big maniac
and he's a big enough maniac
to go around for everybody.
- Well I'm sure he'll grow out
of it.
I can't tell you the hell
I put my mom through.
- Well, that would be pretty
hard to do from prison.
- Oh,
I'm not really good atresponding to things like that.
- Don't worry about it, it's
okay.
- If you don't mind me
asking, what happened?
- No, I don't mind.
He's in for murder.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay, don't worry about
it.
I mean, it's not really
a fresh wound, you know?
I don't wanna ruin your
breakfast.
- Oh no, no, no, no, no, you'refine.
My friends already did a numberon my day.
So tell me, he actually killed
someone?
- Yeah, he did, he
actually killed someone.
- Wow, was it an accident?
- No, he stabbed him.
But I'm proud of him now.
- Why, that's a little fucked
up?
- No, I'm not proud of himbecause he stabbed him, you ass.
I'm proud of him because
he's written a book.
- Good, 'cause I was about
to ask for this coffee to go.
- It's called "Two Ways To Go
West."
It's pretty cool.
It's like a Western about this
rancher
who has this murderous past.
And the bad guys come in
and they like burn his farm.
So, he heads West to take
revenge.
But really, the story
is within the journey
because then he realizes
that he's better off not killingthem
and he finds this inner peace.
- Wow, how does it end?
[door bell chiming]
- Your buddies?
- Yeah, if you can call
them that, that's them.
- Let me get your food, it
was nice talking to you.
You seem like one of the good
guys.
- I'm trying.
- [Faith] Hey guys.
- [Gavin] Hey.
- [Faith] Coffee?
- [Shane] Yes, please.
- [Faith] You got it.
- Alright, listen, pal,
I'm detective Johnny McNabb
and this is my partner.
- Detective Shit For Brains.
- Yeah.
- So what happened in this
episode, boys?
Did you two finally manage
to wipe your own asses yet?
- Actually, I learned that Ican't solve the case on my own,
I need my partners to
have my back detective.
- Detective McDouchebag, right?
- Well, I learned,
I learned...
Can I?
- Oh, now you wanna see it?
- [Gavin] Yeah.
- Well, I've been waiting
for you to sign it.
- Jesus.
- Bring back memories?
- Yeah, a little bit.
Learned a few things.
Don't forget where you come
from.
- Sounds like a pretty
shitty episode to me.
- Yeah, maybe so, but,
I really think it will get the
show back on the right track.
- Yeah.
- You know,
- I keep thinking that,
but it always winds up being
the same bullshit every time.
- Give it another shot.
- At this point I'm stuck with
it,
I'm too old for a new show.
- There's nothing else good on
anyway.
It's all shit one way or
another.
- What do you say, Marty?
We try again?
- As fun as you two are to be
around.
I miss Hope and the kids.
- [Faith] Here you go.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- [Faith] You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- [Faith] What could I get you
guys?
- I'll have the French toast.
- [Faith] You got it, and you?
[sighing]
- I will have the French
toast too, please.
[upbeat music]
♪ I miss my friends
♪ My old school friends
♪ The ones that I've known all
my life ♪
♪ I spent so long
pushing their love away ♪
♪ Now it cuts and it bites
♪ I had this dream that
I saw all of them ♪
♪ And we talked but we
knew that we'd changed ♪
♪ Some had seen money,
and some had seen debt ♪
♪ But, none of them were the
same ♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna feel the love again
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
♪ I can't forget getting
drunk in the woods ♪
♪ With some liquor stolen
from the market shelf ♪
♪ I drink a whole plastic CherryCoke bottle full of wine ♪
♪ And I thought I'd killed
myself ♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna feel their love again♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
♪ Kissing the same girls
♪ Taking their sweet pearls
♪ And giving ours away at the
same time ♪
♪ Man, I turn each memory
into this perfect summertime ♪
♪ I know they're there
♪ I know where
♪ I could see their faces everyday ♪
♪ All these pixeled pictures
♪ I'll study them like
scriptures ♪
♪ And I still feel so far away
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna feel their love again♪
♪ I want 'em back, I want 'em
back ♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪
♪ I wanna be with my old friends♪