Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964) - full transcript

The citizens of the southern town Pleasant Valley lure six Yankee tourists into town where they are to be the reluctant guests for the centennial celebration of the day a band of renegade Union troops decimated the town. The town then participates in events, a different event for each of the tourists, in which the tourist is dispatched. One couple begins to suspect something and seeks a way to escape.

? There's a story you should know
from 100 years ago

? And 100 years
we've waited now to tell

? Now the Yankees come along
and they'll listen to this song

? And they'll quake in fear
to hear this rebel yell

? And they'll quake in fear
to hear this rebel yell

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Robert E. Lee broke
his musket on his knee

? And 1,000 pieces
shattered on the ground



? But he looked up then
and he gathered up his men

? And from his lips
there came an awful sound

? And from his lips
there came an awful sound

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Stonewall took a gun
and he made the Yankees run

? But he took a fatal bullet in the chest

? As he fell down dead old Stonewall said,
I'm a-givin' you a dying man's request

? I'm a-givin' you a dying man's request

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!



? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Jeb Stuart spurred his horse
and the Yankees run of course

? But there wasn't any powder for his gun

? So he said to his boys
Let's make a lot of noise

? And we'll charge again
and make them Yankees run

? And we'll charge again
and make them Yankees run

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Robert E. Lee broke
his musket on his knee

? And 1,000 pieces
shattered on the ground

? But he looked up then
and he gathered up his men

? And from his lips
there came an awful sound

? And from his lips
there came an awful sound

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? There's a story you should know
from 100 years ago

? And 100 years
we've waited now to tell

? And they'll quake in fear
to hear this rebel yell

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

Now, what do you think this means?

Well, it means detour, lady.

And this looks like a lousy road.

Well, I don't know.

I don't like the looks of this.

It doesn't say how far the detour goes.

Well, want me to drive?

I'm more than just a hitchhiker, you know.

I just happen to be a schoolteacher
who happened to have a little car trouble.

And it's lucky for me.

Yeah.

Well, don't make me feel sorry
I picked you up back there.

From the looks of this, you just might
be glad before the trip's over.

Bring 'em on down here.

Bring 'em way on down.

Get 'em right here
in the middle of Pleasant Valley.

Come on, bring 'em on down.

Come on!

Come on!

Right here. Come on. Come on.

Yeehaw!

Y'all get back a little bit.

Y'all get back just a little bit.

- That kid!
- Get out of here, you little creep.

You all clear out of here, Billy, hear.

I'm Earl Buckman, mayor of this here town.

The great little town of Pleasant Valley.

- Y'all travelin'?
- Why, yes, Mr. Buckman.

We're on our way to Florida.

Y'all on vacation?

Wait a minute.
Just what's going on here anyway?

Are we under arrest or something?

I mean, what the hell's going on here?

Where are we anyway?

You just keep your pants on, boy.

You're not under arrest.

You're right smack dab
in the middle of Pleasant Valley.

Isn't he, folks?

I'll tell you this much, though.
We've been waiting on you.

Ain't that right, folks?

What do you mean,
you've been waiting for us?

Why, you pretty little Yankee gal.

I didn't say "waiting for you,"
I said "waiting on you."

What?

Well, I better get to the point.

This boy looks like
he's going to cloud up, rain all over.

Well, folks, here's a happy story.

We 'uns here in Pleasant Valley
are celebrating a little old centennial.

Yes, sir, we are.

And you folks are the guests of honor.
Now, how about that?

Yeah.

I am not sure I understand, Mr. Buckman.

Well, then, you better listen
carefully this time.

We're celebrating something
that happened over 100 years ago.

It's a big deal around here.

And part of the ceremony
is we get us some strangers from up north.

You get everything free.

It's an honor, damn it.

Now, you come on out of there for a second.

Yeehaw!

Welcome to the Pleasant Valley.

By dinghy.

We got ourselves
some more visitors for the centennial.

That makes six. Yeah!

Billy, you go tell Lester and Rufe

we got ourselves the guests of
honor for the centennial

and we don't need us no more. Go.

- Hip-hip!
- Hooray!

- Hip-hip!
- Hooray!

- Hip-hip!
- Hooray!

Well, what's the matter?

Well, ain't nothing the matter, miss.

Everything's fine. Just fine.

More Yankees
for the centennial, huh, Mayor?

That's right, mister.

Well, now, miss, you and
your mister here...

He's not my mister.

He's a perfect stranger named Tom White.

Oh, well, now, Miss...

Adams. Terry Adams.

Well, Miss Adams, if you know his name,
he's not a perfect stranger now, is he?

My name is John Miller, Miss Adams

and if you'd like, I'll be glad to take on
this, this hitchhiker for you.

And I'm Bea Miller, Tom.
I'm married to that animal.

Don't worry, you can always
hitch a ride with me.

Our guest's a rotten egg, though,
ain't he folks?

Say, uh, would I sound stupid and ungracious
if I asked what this is all about?

I'm David Wells and this
is my wife Beverly.

I am not quite sure, Mr. White,

but it looks like we're guests of honor
at this centennial.

Us?

Well, why are we guests of honor?

Can't think of a prettier
guest of honor than you,

you big, handsome Yankee, you.

You're blushing.

Why not relax and enjoy it?

Okay.

I will if you will.

Ahem. Will our guests of honor
come right over here?

Now, some of our guests ain't sure yet
what this shindig's all about.

So we better get started with
our centennial. Right, folks?

Yeah!

Yes, siree!

Now, it's been 100 years.

But what we're celebrating ain't important.

What we need are guests of honor
and you all are it.

Now, for the next two days,
y'all are gonna be guests of the town.

You're gonna have the best hotel rooms,

the best food,

the best entertainment
and it's all on the house.

Yes, sir, you're all are our guests.

And we're gonna show you
some Southern hospitality.

I reckon this here's one celebration y'all
are gonna remember as long as you live.

Yeah! Won't it, folks?

Yeah, here's two fellas
I want you all to know.

This here is Rufus Tate.

And this here is Lester MacDonald.

Rufus here is head-man of this celebration.

He's general chairman.

And Lester here, he's program chairman.

I reckon everybody know these fellas
pretty good, ain't they folks?

We got us some good 'uns.

Dogged if we don't.

Now, we got us a big barbecue
to start things off tonight.

Hey, Earl, what do you say
we get our guests down in the hotel,

so they can get in good shape
for that barbecue.

That's a good idea, Lester.
Let's get 'em checked in.

- Say, Mr. Buckman.
- Yeah, what is it, son?

Well, we'd like to stay
for your celebration,

but Miss Adams and I have to be getting on.

He's not only a hitchhiker,
he's a party pooper.

Y'all want to leave? You can't!

Of course not.

Only two days.
You'll have the time of your life.

Thought y'all didn't know each other.

But they ain't gonna leave, are they?

Of course not. I'll tell you what.

You got someplace else to be, is that it?

Well, uh, I'm due
in a teachers' convention in Atlanta.

Tell you what.

We went through a lot of trouble
to get you all here.

- We don't give up so easy.
- You can say that again, Earl.

Yeah, as soon as you get to the hotel,

y'all send 'em a wire, tell 'em
y'all be there in a couple of days.

We'll even pay for the
wire, won't we, folks?

Hey, Rufe, you think we ought to go out and
get us a couple of special guests of honor?

Lester, we got us six.
Just the right number.

Y'all know the rules of the celebration.

Got us six Yankees and, boy,

we're gonna have a centennial celebration
to make old Robert E. Lee hisself proud.

Yeah, but we could slip back
and get us some more

and kind of have our own
private centennial.

Hot dog! Lester, aren't you the sneaky one?

Maybe we could get us
a couple of, uh, private guests.

Now, boys, you know
all the rules of the centennial.

Sure wouldn't look good for the
general chairman and the program chairman

to be in business for theirselves,
now, would it?

Now, now, we need six guests
and we got us six.

Enough fun for everybody.

Now, tonight's the big barbecue
and we need the special guest.

Now, which one of the six you all want?

Uh, let's get us one of them gals!

Yeah! That there big
blonde 'un'd be perfect!

Yeah!

All right, Lester, you're
the head-man tonight.

- Here's a suggestion though.
- All right.

That little old gal, she seems to like
Harper Alexander.

And her husband,
he don't mind looking at Betsy Gunther,

so you have Betsy entertain him,

and old Harper, he can take
that little old gal on a walk

and get her ready for the barbecue!

Wow! Yeehaw!

Such a strange little affair.

It's almost like Halloween.

This is better than Halloween!

Looks like John C. Calhoun's version
of trick-or-treat.

Why, yeah.

We gonna provide the tricks

and them folks up there,
they're gonna provide the treat.

Isn't this the damnedest thing
that's ever happened to us.

Johnny boy, the world we live,

everything that happens
is the damnedest thing.

Well, honey, you've got to admit, all this,
and we're the guests of honor.

And it's free, too.

Yeah. Including this room at the Waldorf.

Well, dear, I'll just make you a little bet
that you enjoy this centennial beat.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what makes you so sure?

Hmm. Old Johnny boy
was watching when that...

That backwoods Daniel Boone
was working on your leg.

Who does he think he is anyway?

Stonewall Jackson's razor blade salesman?

Or maybe he just thought you were
a little puppy dog that needed petting.

Well, his name is Harper.

And for an Arkansas wood-chopper,
he has mighty smooth hands.

What about you
and that overblown Daisy May?

That eyeball treatment usually means
they're steam-heating your radiator.

Johnny boy knows his way around.

Well, honey, you know
you're my one and only.

What you mean is
I haven't caught up with you yet.

Oh, well, come to Mama.

Oh!

Must be Jeb Davis.

- General Grant's headquarters.
- Johnny, don't do that.

Yeah, I'm only kidding.

This is John Miller speaking.

Yeah.

Who?

I said, a young lady'd like to speak to you
if y'all wait just a second.

You do it right, Betsy, here.

Hello, Mr. Miller?

This here's Betsy Gunther.

We sort of met, if you know what I mean,
this afternoon.

And I figured your wife might be tired
and I might show you around the town.

Hmm?

How would you like that?

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Good idea.

When?

Right now?

Well, uh, if he wants to see me.

No, no, I won't keep him waiting.

Yeah.

Tell him I'll be right down.

Right.

Honey, that was the mayor.

You know, that Buckman character.

He wants to see me.

I better not keep him waiting.

Are you sure that wasn't
the voice of Bugle Ann?

Now, who the hell are you?
Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover?

No, sweetie.

Mrs. Johnny Boy Casanova,
who warns her little boy blue

that anything you can do I can do better.

That's why I stick to you.

Hi.

You know, I was sort of thinking,

if we're gonna look over the town,
why don't we start with Lover's Lane?

Mr. Miller, I declare.

You're so clever.

Clever.

Harper, boy, I got a feeling that
you're gonna have more fun

than a beagle dog on a coon hunt.

- You all go make that call, hear.
- Yeah.

Anybody wanna make a bet?

Go ahead, ring it.

Okay, Harper.

Hello, Mrs. Miller?

Just a moment please, I
have a call for you.

Go ahead, Harper.

Hello. Is this Mrs. Miller?

Mrs. Miller, this is Harper Alexander.

We sort of met a little
earlier this afternoon.

They gonna get
a lot better acquainted, I bet.

Well, I'm rather flattered
you remember, Mrs. Miller.

It was only for a minute.

But I sure remember you, all right.

You was that pretty one.

Huh?

Sure. I'll call you Bea.

My name's Harper.

Well, if you're on the official
welcoming committee, I guess it would be...

Oh, Johnny'll be gone
for a couple of hours.

Well, uh...

Why, Harper.

Well, I wouldn't want you to look bad
with the welcoming committee.

You'll have me back in time
for the barbecue now, won't you?

Why, Bea, honey.

Y'all won't miss the barbecue.

I guarantee you, you'll be there.

Five minutes?

I'll meet y'all in the lobby.

What'd she say?

She don't want to miss the barbecue.

Well, boy, if she ain't there,
there ain't gonna be no barbecue.

Phew.

Wow. Give me those country boys every time.

Bea, I reckon you're the prettiest gal
I've ever seen.

Uh, tell me something, Harper.

What do you do when
you're not having centennials?

Let me show you something.

Feel that blade.

What for, honey?

Why don't you feel that sharp edge?
Go ahead, feel it now.

Ow!

You backwoods hayseed, you!

I'm bleeding!

- Wait.
- Do something, damn it!

- I'll fix it. I'll fix it. Give me the...
- Oh, I'm bleeding all over the place!

- Help me!
- I'll fix it. I'll fix it.

- Don't worry now.
- No, no, no!

Don't want you to get sick.

I told y'all that blade was sharp.

Now, I'm sure sorry to hear that.

I'm a doctor. Let me have a look at that.

Miss Bea.

- I'm afraid this looks serious.
- Ow!

It's gonna cost you
some serious surgery, Miss Bea.

No! No!

Now, now. I'm a doctor. You hold still.
This'll all be over in a minute.

Get the boys in here. Come on.

Hey, Lester, Rufe, come on in here.

- You hold her down.
- No! Oh!

I reckon we got ourselves
the bacon of the barbecue!

- Who is it?
- Tom White, I'd like to talk to you.

Just a minute.

What's the matter?

You know as well as I do

there's something phony
about this centennial.

What do you mean?

You're just imagining things.

They are treating us like kings and queens.

And we're the guests of honor.

Yes, but why?

Has it occurred to you that nobody has told
us what this centennial is all about?

Now this is 1965.

And 100 years ago it was 1865, right?

So?
What happened in 1865, Terry?

Uh...

It was the end of the Civil War.

The war between the states.

Well, then you tell me
why would a Southern town

want Northerners
as guests of honor at a centennial?

It must have had something
to do with the war 100 years ago.

So, something's very wrong in this town.

Well, what should we do?

Something I should've done hours ago.

See, there's a teachers'
convention in Atlanta.

Starts in a couple of days, too.

And I know that some of the people
are already there.

Say, I'll put in a call to someone I know

and he's a specialist in
American history, too.

Then I'll tell him what's going on

and if he can't give me the answers,

then at least he can know where we're at.

And, well, if something's wrong,

that's powerful ammunition.

Uh, operator, I would like to make
a long distance call, please.

What do you mean I can't make
a long distance call on this phone?

It's the hotel rule.

Well, can I send a telegram then?

Well, how do I get word
out of Pleasant Valley?

No, no. Never mind. Thank you.

You know, I can't make an issue out of this

because if I do,
they'll know something's wrong.

Hmm...

Say, have you got any change?

I think so. Why?

Well, there must be
a pay telephone in this town.

I'll find it and I'll make that call
even if I have to disguise my voice.

Here.

Hello, this is Mr. Scray.

I'm puttin' in a call
to my cousin George Markham.

Uh, yes, he's at the
Tower Hotel in Atlanta.

No, I don't know the number.

Ah, yes, uh, I know he's there,
so just give me the hotel, please.

Uh, yessum.

Huh? Uh, this here number is, uh, 727-Jane.

Yessum, thank you, ma'am.

All right, ma'am.

Thank you, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am. Y'all are welcome.

Hello, is this the Tower...

Excuse me,
is this the Tower hotel?

All right. Would you please connect me
with Dr. George Markham?

Please, yes.

George Markham.

He's from Chicago.
He's there for the teachers' convention.

Yes.

He's not... But he must be registered.

Well, I know he is...

Well, yes, let me
speak to the manager, please.

Say, is this the manager?

I want to talk to Dr. George Markham
from Chicago.

Well, I know he's registered there.

Oh? Not until tomorrow?

Well, I'll tell you,
would you let me talk to, well, anyone.

Yes, involved in the registration
for the teachers' convention.

None of them until tomorrow?

Say, are you sure this is the Tower Hotel?

Say, look. This is extremely urgent.

Yes. When Mr. Markham checks in,
tell him to call a Mr. White.

That's Mr. White, and I'll give you the
name of the hotel that I'm staying in. Yes.

Could you please put this down?
Have you got a pencil?

Yes, well, now here's what you tell him.

Yes, sir, Mr. White,

I'll gladly send your message.

Just as far...

Just as far...

as I can fly it.

? You were walking in the street
with another man

? You wouldn't even post my bail

? Rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? Gonna lay around the shack
till the mail train comes back

? I'm rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? Well, I ain't gonna work on the railroad

? I ain't gonna work on the farm

? Gonna lay around the shack
till the mail train comes back

? I'm rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? I'm rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? Gonna lay around the shack
till the mail train comes back

Whoo!

Yes, sir.

I have a few more guests
here for the centennial

and you know why they're here.

Let's give 'em a great big welcome.
What do you say?

All right!

Now, let's have a little more guitar music!

What happened to John and Bea?

Well, Bea must've found
herself another man.

She usually does.

But I see John
and he's in his usual good form, too.

He is.

Ooh!

What have you got in this, mule...
It has a mule kick. Ugh.

What's the matter, Johnny boy?

Can't hold your liquor?

I'll show you.

Pour me another bit of
that white lightning.

No, no, no. Give me the whole bottle.

Ugh.

Listen, you ain't seen
my wife around, have you?

Even if I have,

she ain't seen us.

- Mr. Buckman.
- Hmm?

What is that on that spit over there?

Oh, that's nothing.
That's just part of the centennial.

Uh, symbolic, I think
that's the word that it is.

I don't think you ever explained to me
just what the centennial was all about.

Well, it's a surprise.
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Say, where's that young fella of yours?

- Tom?
- Yeah.

I wish I knew.

And by the way, he's not my young fellow.

Come on, now.

I know you two are sweet on each other.

We're sort of hoping that we can have
an engagement party

as a climax to the centennial.

- Mr. Buckman.
- Yeah.

I hardly know him.

His car broke down and I gave him a lift.

We were going in the same direction.

Well, he's a nice young fella,
ain't he?

Yes, he is.

A very nice fellow.

Lester and me can't find him no how.

Excuse me, ma'am,
I've got some business to attend to.

? I'm rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? I ain't gonna work on the railroad

? Well, I ain't gonna work on the farm

? I lay around the shack till
the mail train comes back

? And I'm rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? I'm rollin' in my sweet baby's arms

? I lay around the shack till
the mail train comes back

What? What does it mean?

It means this centennial
is the centennial of blood vengeance.

It means that...

It means we're here to be killed.

Come on, fast!

Come on, Earl, we got to find 'em.

Must be around here someplace.

They can't get far.

Oh, forget it.

- Let's get back to the horse race.
- All right.

Come on, honey.

Folks, if y'all excuse me.

I'm supposed to take you
back to your hotel.

We got us some
mighty big plans for tomorrow

and you're gonna need your sleep.

Well, thank you very much, Harper.

Why, not at all. My pleasure.

What about him?

Well, ma'am,
y'all don't need to worry about him.

We're going to take care of him, too.

Mr. Miller.

Y'all wake up, hear, boy.

Huh?

What?

Where's Betsy? Where's Bea?

You ever been to a horse race, boy, huh?

- Horse race?
- Y'all's gonna be in a horse race.

It's part of the centennial.

I don't know how to ride.

Boy, to be in this race,
you don't have to know how to ride.

All you gotta do is know how to pray.

Hey, come on.

Grab him, boys.

Here's your new girlfriend, Johnny boy.

I'm just gonna put that there.

That's it. Tie him up good there, Lester.

I got him, Rufe. I got him.

Tie him up.

Wait a minute. Hold on, everybody.

It's just this ain't much of a horse race

- unless he's awake.
- Hey, you're right.

Yeah.

- OK, fetch me some water.
- Get some water.

Your horse race is about
ready to start, boy.

And you're gonna ride four horses.

- Yeah.
- Four horses?

Yeah, and they all gonna be goin'
in four different directions.

Bye, Johnny boy.

Enjoy the race.

No, no.

Ha! Ha! Get up there.

No.

Ha! Ha!

No!

Let's hear us some music.

I said let's hear us some music.

This is our celebration.

You know what happens to
anybody that backs out.

So let's hear us some music.

? Look away, look away

? Look away Dixie Land

? In Dixie's Land, where I was born in

? Early on one frosty mornin'

? Look away, look away

? Look away Dixie Land

? I wish I was in Dixie

? Hooray! Hooray!

? In Dixie's Land I'll take my stand

? To live and die in Dixie

? Away, away
Away down south in Dixie

? Oh the first time I seen darlin' Cory

? She was standin' by the sea

? Had a.45 strapped around her bosom, Lord

? Had a banjo on her knee

? Get away, get away

? Darlin' Cory

? Quit hanging around my bed

David, wake up.

David, there's something
so unwholesome about this centennial.

What's it all about?

I don't know.

But I keep getting the feeling
we're being separated from the others.

Would you ring Mr. and Mrs. Miller's room
for me please?

Oh.

Then how about, uh, Mr. White?

He is?

Well, then would you ring
Miss Adams' room for me?

I see.

You don't know when they'll be back?

Thank you. Uh?

Oh, yes, we slept well, thank you.

Beverly, we better get dressed and clear
out as soon as John and Bea get back.

The desk says they're out for a walk.

And the other two, uh,
Tom White and Terry Adams,

they're out for a walk, too.

What time is it?

It's only 8:00.

Well, have you ever known Johnny boy
to get up before 10:00?

And in the condition he was in last night,

it'd be a miracle if he
were up before noon.

And if he did get up, he sure
wouldn't feel like going for a walk.

Judging from yesterday,

even if everything else were true,

John certainly won't be taking
a walk with his own wife.

Let's get dressed.

It sure was a mighty fine
horse race last night.

Hey, Earl, today is gonna be even better

because the program committee have
put together a mighty fine show.

Boys, I am a little worried
about this here school teacher.

He don't like us none.

He gonna like us even less
after tonight though.

- Is he in his room?
- Yeah.

He didn't even spend much time with
his gal after they got back.

I don't want him wandering around though.

Watch him close, yeah?

Yeah, I... I wouldn't mind watching
that Terry Adams.

That's one Yankee girl
that's got a lot of class.

By night, all that class

gonna be drained out of her, Lester.

Here they come right now.

Morning, folks.

Hope y'all enjoyed your breakfast.

We are your official escorts today.

What happened to Mr. and Mrs. Miller?

Why, now they is out on a nice boat ride.

Y'all get to go real soon.

But why can't Beverly come with me?

Now, Mr. Wells, I told you Mrs. Wells

was going on a scenic tour.

Well, why can't we be together?

You wouldn't wanna ruin
the centennial, would you?

Now be a good sport and come on
with me to the barrel roll.

You're the guest of honor.

What's a barrel roll?

Come on, we gonna start
as soon as you get there.

Lester,

show this little old Yankee boy
this, the barrel roll devil.

All right, Lester, all right.

There's nothing to it.

Now, we is gonna roll this
barrel down to the bottom of the hill

and you is gonna be in.

Yeah.

- That's all?
- Yup.

Oh, exceptin' for one thing you gotta do.

It's a tradition.

You gotta crawl through this here barrel.

Yeah.

What for? I had rather not.
I have a stiff knee.

- Aww.
- Listen, you got to crawl through.

Do you hear me? You got to.

If you don't, we can help.

Come on, get down there.

Stop that, stop that!

Take it easy, will you?

You'll just spoil the
ceremony, like Earl said.

- Yeah.
- Get me out of here.

Now you stop that.

Stop that thrashing around,
you might get hurt.

I said let him go for a second.

I said listen.

What kind of nonsense is this?
Let me out of here.

It's all part of the ceremony.

- Now, you listen here.
- Hear what he said?

We're gonna do something
to this barrel now.

You be still or you might get hurt now.

Don't move now. We're going to start.

Make sure he doesn't get out.

Everybody ready for the barrel roll?

We're ready.

Everybody, here we go.

Doggone if this ain't
the best centennial anybody ever had.

Mornin', Mr. White.

Uh, mornin'.

I'll just be out and
about in about a minute.

They're all out?

Mr. White, too?

OK. Thank you.

- Uh, excuse me, sir.
- Huh?

Could you help me for a minute?

I can't turn off the water in the bathroom.

All right, all right.

Where is it?

Come on. I'll show you.

Get some towels, quick.

Tie him up and gag him
and we'll put him in the closet.

Come on, let's find your car.

Hey.

Look out!

It's quicksand. Pull, honey, pull hard.

Come on, honey, pull, please.

Hurry up, honey. Let's go, come on.

What the...

No, no... Help!

Help!

Yeehaw!

What's that?

Can't you see?

That's old teeterin' rock.

I sure wouldn't want that to fall on me.

Oh, I sure wouldn't.

I don't like this.

Get that folks.

She's the guest of honor
and she don't like it.

Yes, ma'am, you're the guest of honor.

And, uh, we gonna ask you
do a little judging for us.

Judge... What am I supposed to judge?

You're gonna judge just when
old teeterin' rock's gonna fall.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You can't judge too good from right here.

So, we kind of got you a
better point of view.

- Right here.
- No.

Hey, how'd the barrel roll go?

Oh, the barrel roll was great.

Just great.

Come on, now.
Let's get along here with this event.

- Mr. Buckman.
- Hmm?

Please. I don't wanna get involved in this.

- I wanna leave.
- Leave?

Why, honey, you can't leave.

- You're the guest of honor.
- Yeah.

Didn't old Rufe here tell you
you had to judge something?

Oh, I sure did, Earl.

- Nah.
- I sure did.

Rufe, you scared the young lady.
Now that ain't right nice.

No. Just a gentle little joke.

- You're gonna have lots of fun.
- Hope you'll like the ceremony.

You're gotta lie right down here

and look up there and say,
"It ain't fallen yet."

Now, that's all.

Mr. Buckman, I said I didn't wanna do this.

If I'm supposed to be your guest

you shouldn't make me do
something I don't wanna do.

Now y'all look here.

This is our centennial,
you've got to abide by our rules.

Now be good here and lie down there
so we can get started.

Otherwise these good folks here
might not like it none.

Y'all wouldn't want 'em
to get nasty now, would you?

No.

That's your centennial.

I'm just not the right person for this.

Oh, you're the right person, all right.

Yeah.

Let's end this argument right here and now.

Yeah, you tell her, Mr. Buckman.

We don't need lot of playing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You think this thing
here was easy to build?

Girl, you're gonna help us with the
centennial or we're gonna help you.

I ain't kidding you now.
It's a right important ceremony.

You're gonna help us one way or the other.

- Yeah.
- Kill her.

That's better. It's always
better to cooperate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Buckman, I don't like this.

You want to know a little secret?

I know you don't.

- Now, lie down there.
- Yeah.

Come on, Mr. Buckman.

What are you doing this for?

I said I'd go through with it.

I know. It's just to be sure
you don't change your mind.

Yeah.

I get first throw, Earl.

I'm chairman.

Of course you do, Rufe.

But you can't stand this close.

It ain't even a sport if it's this close.

Now, stand back. Everybody stand back.

I just thought there was only
gonna be one throw.

It's a celebration.

Everybody's got to have
a chance now, don't they?

Come on now, everybody stand back.

All right.

What you gonna throw, Rufe?

I got one of those newfangled things.

A softball.

Looks like a little old rock.

All right, folks.

Let's not keep the little lady waiting.

He threw it.

Well, you got some lines to recite.

You got to say, "It ain't fallen yet."

It... It hasn't fallen yet.

Well, pardon my grammar.

All right. Who's next?

Hey, I want to throw it.

Oh...

All right, Miss, say your fancy line.

It... It hasn't...

Fallen yet.

Oh, Miss Beverly.

You haven't got the spirit of this at all.

Now you haven't got the right mood.

Now, don't look at me when you say that,

look up that old teeterin' rock.

It might help you say the line faster.

If somebody hits it, it'll fall.

- Oh.
- Oh, please.

No. Nobody round here
can hit the side of the barn.

Next!

Yeah, who's next?
Come on, let's see you...

All right.

Oh...

That's no good.

Wait a minute, folks.

We is embarrasin' our guests.

We ain't showing any marksmanship at all.

Yeah.

Come over here, Rufe, come over.

That last throw was just a warmup.

This one is gonna be for keeps.

Well, gal, I'm gonna give you a tip.

You judge this just right,

old teeterin' rock's gonna fall

in just 10 seconds.

No. No. No!

Please let me up.

Bet you I could pitch
in them major leagues.

We've got to find out
where they put your car.

I know.

Look, there's a little boy.

Uh, little boy, come
here, will you, please?

What y'all want, Yankees?

Look, what's your name?

- Billy.
- Well, Billy, uh,

- you like candy?
- Sure I do. Got any?

Why, yes, I got a whole big box
for you and the rest of the kids.

But, uh, I would like
to give it to you first

so you can take all you want before
the rest of the other kids get it.

Give me. They ain't getting' any.

Well, before we do that, uh,
we got to know where it is.

And it's in our car.

You know where our car is?

Sure do. Down at Lester's garage.

Fixing to taking it apart
after the centennial's over.

Well, I'll tell you what, Billy,

before they do that, we better
get the candy out of it, you see?

So, uh, why don't you take us there

and then you can have the candy and take...
You can take it all.

Well, uh...

Y'all to follow me, you hear?

I reckon the folks are havin'
a fine time on the boat trip.

Yeah.

You promised them a boat trip.

Now, they's gettin' one.

Let's see now. What's left?

We done save the best till the last.

That boy Tom's gonna judge
the ax-throwing contest.

I got a real sharp blade.

I'll get first throw?

Listen, I got as much to say
about that as you do.

- I get first throw.
- Now, wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.
There's enough fun for everybody.

When the time comes, we'll toss a coin.

One of you can have first throw
at the ax-throwing contest

and the other can have first chance
when that little old Yankee gal

runs the gauntlet tonight.

- They got away.
- What?

They tied up Jimmy and they got away.

Let's find them. Let's find them.

I can't find the keys.

Hey, Billy, look,

the candy's in the trunk of the car.

Now, if you get me the keys,
I'll get it for you, OK?

I'd rather drive. Vroom!

Billy, you like to drive?

Well, my pa won't let me.

Look, because this is a, well,
you know, special holiday,

if you get the keys, I'll let you drive.

- Do you know where the keys are?
- Sure do.

Up in the front office.

I can drive this here new car?

Yes, we'll let you drive.
But find the keys.

If you wait too long
it'll be too late for you to drive it.

Well, OK.

I hope he finds those keys.

- But Tom, what if he doesn't?
- Well, if he doesn't...

Look, Terry, now look, if he doesn't,

I'll run out, try and draw their attention

and then you slip down to the highway
and try and get some help, OK?

But Tom, we should both try to escape.

We'd never make it, honey.

Look, don't worry, we're not cooked yet.

What's that?

Sounds like they're looking for us.

Look, honey, you better hide

and I'll go out
and give them a run for their money.

Tom, look.

What's that noise?

Oh, that's nothing, Billy,
it's just some people.

I want to see!

Billy?

Billy, if you don't come here right now,
you won't get the candy or the ride.

- But I want to see.
- Billy?

Right now, right now, or it'll be too late.

Nah.

Come on, get in, get in.

I want to drive.

Look, Billy, it's no fun driving here.

I'll let you drive 70 miles an hour
on the highway, OK?

- Seventy miles an hour?
- Yes.

Hot doggy!

- You get back here!
- Go get them.

If you don't catch them before
they reach the highway, we've lost them.

I didn't have a chance...

Oh, now, simmer down.

I said, simmer down, you guys.

Hey, what if they make
it to the state police?

What does it matter?

Centennial's just about over anyway.

Ain't nobody gonna be around here.

Them nice young people,
them lot will wind up in the loony bin.

Yeah. But what about Billy?

Well, I sort of wish they'd keep him.

But I got kind of a nasty
feeling he'll be back.

? He put his banjo in my hand
and told me what to play

? And danced with my pretty little girl
until the break of day

? Fare thee well, Old Joe Clark
Goodbye, Betsy Brown

? Fare thee well, Old Joe Clark
I'm gonna leave this town

? I don't like that Old Joe Clark

? I'll tell you the reason why

? He's got two muskets in his hand
and madness in his eye

? Fare thee well, Old Joe Clark
Goodbye, Betsy Brown

? Fare thee well, Old Joe Clark
I'm gonna leave this town

? Old Joe Clark ran through my yard
He scared my little pups

? He ran my rooster out of the yard
and ate my corn bread up

? Fare thee well, Old Joe Clark
Goodbye, Betsy Brown

Y'all are big liars.

Didn't even get my candy.

They never give me nothing,
the dirty Yankees.

? Fair thee well, Old Joe Clark
I'm gonna leave this town

? Old Joe Clark is dead and gone
I hope he's doing well

? He tied me up with a ball and chain
and made my ankle swell

? Fare thee well, Old Joe Clark
Goodbye, Betsy Brown

Well, folks, just settle down
and take it easy for a minute.

Now let me understand all this
just once again.

This town, uh, Pleasant
Valley, is that right?

Pleasant Valley.

I'll never forget that name.

And just where is this town?

You say it's off Highway 202?

It's on a side road about
20 miles from here.

What's the matter,
don't you know the towns in this county?

Now, mister, let me tell you something.

You best just settle down for a minute.
That's what you got to do.

Tell you what, before we do anything else,

I am gonna give you folks
a breathalator test.

A breathalator test...

Officer, do we look drunk?

Uh, mister, I just ain't
about to argue with you at all.

Now, you go right over there
and get yourself a seat

and I'll get the equipment.

And if you ain't drunk

then you ain't got
a thing in the world to worry about.

Or maybe you're refusing to take the test?

Sir, we had...

Well, Rufe, you know, we didn't do so bad.

We got four out of six.

Yeah.

I sort of hated to lose that gal,

but I'd sure say this centennial
was a big success.

Danged old centennial didn't have no fun.

Didn't even get my candy.

You should've got your rear end
caned for what you did.

Now you beat it. Hear?

I'm gonna catch me a cat and have some fun.

I don't understand this.

Now, I know there was a road here.
I know it.

Tom, what's happened? Have we gone crazy?

Now, tell me, how could they
cover the whole road?

Well, mister, I don't rightly
understand it all either.

Now I reckon you know
why I had to give you that there test.

There ain't no Pleasant
Valley in this county

or in the whole darn
state as well as I know.

I told you we were there.

Mister, I have been around
these parts near about all my life.

Now, do you think for a minute

if there was a place called
Pleasant Valley around here

that I wouldn't know about it?

Sure is peculiar though.

Yes, siree, it's mighty peculiar.

Look, here's our tire tracks.

They come from over there.

By gum, they do now for a fact.

Suppose we just have a look in there.

How far is this town
supposed to be anyway?

It's about a quarter of a mile.

All right, let's go.

Oh.

Let's stop now.

I can't go any further.

Look, Officer, I don't know how
to convince you of this, but...

Well, we're not crazy.

Mister, I didn't say you was crazy.

Nothing like that.

It's just that I think
it's mighty peculiar.

Well, what's peculiar?

Well, to tell you the truth,

they do tell a story around here.

Reason I just didn't just send you
on your way in the first place.

Reason I come back here with you
is on account of that story.

What story?

Well, this town, um, Pleasant Valley,

there used to be
a town with that name, all right.

- Used to be?
- Yeah.

There used to be a town
by that name, all right.

But back during the war between the states

a bunch of Yankee soldiers came through

and, well, as the story goes,
they wiped out the whole town.

There ain't been a town by that name,

I reckon, in 100 years.

But it sure is peculiar.

It's mighty peculiar.

Can we... Can we get out of here?

I don't like this place.

Well, if you ask me,
I think what you folks better do

is just get in your car
and drive on away from here, right now.

I sure do.

The most peculiar thing I ever heard of.

I don't think I ever want to
drive down that highway again.

Look, Terry,

I know people won't believe us, but...

And I don't even know
if there was a town there or not.

But I do know one thing.

It wasn't a dream.

- Look at this.
- Where did that come from?

Billy left it in the car.

Souvenir.

Look, Terry,

try to forget about it, honey.

Think, well, pretend it was a dream.

But Tom, those poor people.

I know they killed them.

Terry, we don't even know
where they came from.

If we read something in the papers

about some missing persons
with those names,

we'll write an anonymous letter.

I know I'm gonna write a letter
to every authority in the state

and maybe somebody will take notice of it.

Tom, if it weren't for you,

we'd probably be dead by now.

Well, anyway, it's over.

Where are you going?

Oh, pick up the pieces.

I still have to get to Atlanta, you know?

Some of my luggage is in your trunk.

- I'll make it.
- Get in.

- What?
- I said get in.

Now what?

Now drive.

- Where?
- To Atlanta.

After all the trouble you've been in,

I don't want you out of my sight.

And after all the trouble I've been in,

I'm afraid to let you out of my sight.

If we get there early enough,

maybe you can show me the town

before the teachers' convention starts.

You serious?

Drive!

Before I change my mind.

But not back through that
state, if you please.

I hope we have ourselves a centennial

as good as this 100 years from now.

I don't know if it'll be as good as this.

But we is gonna have fun all right, Rufe.

I wonder what the place is gonna look like.

I sure like those automobiles.

Oh, I wouldn't worry none about that.

Next time we are likely to have rocket
ships right in the center of Main Street.

Rocket ships?

Why, crikey, maybe we can
get one of those rocket ships

and chase all those Yankees.

Well, we better get to sleep
before the deadline

or we ain't gonna be around here
100 years from now. Let's get.

Come on out of there, Harper, you hear me?

Sometimes I think old
Harper ain't that bright.

No, he ain't like you and me.

Come on Harper, it's time.

It's time.

Hey, wait for me!

? There's a story you should know
from 100 years ago

? And 100 years
we've waited now to tell

? Now the Yankees come along
and they'll listen to this song

? And they'll quake in fear
to hear this rebel yell

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Robert E. Lee broke
his musket on his knee

? And 1,000 pieces
shattered on the ground

? But he looked up then
and he gathered up his men

? And from his lips
there came an awful sound

? And from his lips
there came an awful sound

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Stonewall took a gun
and he made the Yankees run

? But he took a fatal bullet in the chest

? As he fell down dead old Stonewall said,
I'm a-givin' you a dying man's request

? I'm a-givin' you a dying man's request

? Yeehaw!

? Oh, the South's gonna rise again

? Yeehaw!

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