Two Much (1995) - full transcript
A young gallerist is in love with two sisters at the same time. In order to solve the problem he decides to invent his own twin-brother.
Brenda. Brenda.
Brenda.
- Brenda.
- Yes?
- Mrs. Doyle?
- Yes?
- Can I help you?
- I am Art Dodge from Art's Gallery on Lincoln Road.
- I have Mr. Doyle's painting.
- Painting?
Yeah, the one
he bought last week.
My husband?
Benjamin Doyle?
Please accept my condolences.
He was a wonderful man, a wonderful man.
I never knew Benjamin
to be interested in art.
He was.
He really was.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Business letter?
- What business?
I'm writing my mother for money.
I've given up asking you.
- Any calls?
- No.
- Come on. None?
- Power and Light, Ma Bell, Sammy's Deli.
I don't want to know.
I'm dead.
- Well, that should simplify matters for somebody.
- Who?
Hillerman. He says he's gonna kill you
for up to six months' back rent.
- You remind me of my father.
- Is that a proposition?
Come on.
You both love to read
the obituaries.
Oops.
- Hola, Conchita.
- Ah, Mrs...
- Uh, Miss Kerner, please come in.
- Thank you.
- The service is private.
- I'd like to see Mr. Palletto.
- El senor?
- El senor.
- I'm afraid that's not possible.
- What's the matter, Conchita?
Excuse me, I am Art Dodge
from Art's Gallery on Lincoln Road...
and I have the painting
Mr. Palletto bought last week.
I said I'd
deliver it today.
- I think you better come in.
- Sure.
You want me to believe
my dad bought that?
Oh, it was your father?
I-I'm sorry. Eh, well, maybe...
Maybe this is not
the right moment, but yeah.
Last Monday
at my gallery.
That's strange.
Last Monday Dad was in a hospital.
- Did I say "last Monday"?
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe... maybe it was
two Mondays ago.
All I know is it was
definitely a Monday.
What's definite is you're
a son of a bitch...
with no respect
for a dead man...
or his family's
suffering.
But you're lucky.
I'm going to help you understand
what suffering is.
Eh... I-I-I can come back
another time.
My father hated
modern art.
He thought the people
who made it were pansies...
and the people
who bought it were suckers.
But they love it.
When they get through
with you...
your face is gonna look
like a Picasso.
Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe this is all
a big misunderstanding.
What did you say
your father's name was?
Let me in.
- I'm sorry, Mama.
- Thank you. Thank you, dear.
Thanks for coming,
Betty.
Good-bye, Gene.
You have my
deepest sympathy.
No. You have mine.
Oh.
I hope time heals all your...
- You're pushing it, pal.
- Pain.
Maria, take care
of Mama.
Betty. Betty.
We need to talk.
I have nothing to say to you, Gene. I
only came out of respect for your father.
Well, Betty, look.
I'm in bad shape.
I'm at home crying my eyes out,
and you're out having a good time.
I'd be having a better time if you
didn't follow me everywhere I went.
You know the happiest day
of my father's life?
The day you and I
got married.
- You know the happiest day of my life?
- What?
The day we got divorced.
- Now get out of my way and leave me alone, you big bully.
- Ooh. Ow.
Betty, Betty.
I'm seeing Dr. Huffeyer.
Oh, great.
That's just great.
Out of all the shrinks in Miami,
you have to go see mine?
Well, I'm not gonna see him anymore because
I don't want to share anything with you...
- not even this planet!
- He's helping me change.
- I'm channeling all my anger
into some positive crap.
Listen to me, damn it!
I've changed! Ow!
I love you!
You can come out now.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
That was exciting,
with those big lugs looking for you...
and Gene standing there
not knowing you were in the back seat.
I had a hunch something great
was gonna happen today.
- It did. I'm still alive.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- For now. Thanks to you.
I'm Betty.
Betty Kerner.
- Art Dodge.
- It's really nice to meet you, Art.
Same here, Betty.
I guess you are not
going downtown, right?
Uh-uh.
Let me see if you got this right.
- Arriba.
- Arriba.
- Abajo.
- Abajo.
- Al centro.
- Al centro.
- Por dentro.
- Por dentro.
Mmm.
I'm loaded.
Um, what about you?
No.
No, I cry too much.
Don't you ever cry?
Oh, yeah, sure I do. Whenever I
pay taxes, which isn't often anyway.
- You're crazy.
- So are you.
A match made in heaven.
A very long,
pretty blond eyelash.
- Take it with your finger.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Make a wish.
- Okay.
- Blow it away.
Who is it?
It's Ellen, darling. Open up.
Oh, gee, in a second.
Just...
Oof!
Oh. Ohh!
I was right.
A match made in heaven.
Hey, that's
Betty Kerner.
And who's that bimbo
with her?
Let's check it out.
Hmm.
They say that the
third time is the charm.
Third what?
- Marriage.
- Oh.
Who was the first?
Gene.
- Who was the second?
- Gene.
You married that guy
twice?
Now ask me who's
gonna be the third.
Miss Kerner. Hey, Miss Kerner,
who's your new friend?
- Eh...
- My fianc?.
Cool.
One, two, three!
Aah!
Boom, boom!
Can you guess what I am thinking?
Can you guess
what I'm thinking?
I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
I-I-I thought that...
You can go out
the same way you came in.
Sure. Uh...
I'm sorry.
Wild guess,
but are these yours?
Yes.
Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I know. Now try "good-bye."
Good-bye.
Oh, Dios.
But I have to have it fitted tomorrow.
Ciao.
- How long have you known him?
- Seems like forever.
Oh, less than
24 hours then.
Oh, yes, Hopper.
Of course you can be the flower dog.
Right?
So do I get a new bridesmaid's getup, or should
I just put some more miles on the old one?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- You've met my sister Liz already.
- Yeah.
Lay down, now.
Hello?
No, no, no, the invitations should read
"The Honorable Art Dodge," don't you think?
- The invitations?
- Yeah. Engraved.
And they should be
in the mail by Tuesday.
Okay. Ciao.
Fantastic. Bye.
- Betty, can I talk to you alone?
- Yeah, in one second.
In one second.
Father Larrabee.
He's on the golf course?
- Wow, you hooked yourself the big one, didn't you?
- Do you have a cellular number?
This must go way beyond
your wildest little gigolo dreams.
Okay. Thanks.
Isn't he adorable?
- Yeah.
- Betty, we need to talk.
- Wait.
- What about? Your allowance?
- Father Larrabee, it's Betty.
- Look...
- I don't need to. I've seen enough.
- It's good? Great.
No, no. He's a different one.
Yes, but he's wonderful,
and you'll love him.
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye.
So how does
the third sound?
It's my birthday.
I'll be 33.
It's my third wedding,
and three is my lucky number.
- Great. Great.
- Yes?
- Eh, I've got to go to work.
- It has a job. How refreshing.
- Gotta go. Bye.
- Have a good day.
Come on, buddy.
Come on, boy.
- I don't think she likes me.
- Oh, don't listen to her.
She's been involved with this guy who's a
married man. It's been a really bad deal.
I see congratulations
are in order.
I am not getting married.
It's like a big misunderstanding.
- Okay?
- Oh, so, like, you've explained it to her...
and everything's all
straightened out for ya?
- Well, no, not exactly.
- Uh-huh.
Everything is totally
high or low with her.
She'll be down on me soon enough,
and then it'll all be over.
Trust me. She's a girl
with big extremes.
So I see.
Manny's in there.
He's been in there
for an hour.
- Come on, Gloria.
- What do you want me to do?
I feel sorry for the guy.
We owe him for two paintings.
Is the I RS in there?
Maybe you feel sorry for everyone I owe.
Everyone? No.
I don't believe in self-pity.
Manny. Just the man
I wanted to see.
- Art.
- What's that?
Wow!
This is terrific.
- I can sell it in a week.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- It's been hanging here for three months.
- Really?
I'm taking them all home.
- Art?
- Yeah?
You still haven't paid me
for the last two.
Wha...
You should thank me.
Manny,
if Vincent van Gogh...
had been paid
for his paintings...
they would be worthless
today.
You shouldn't be thinking about money.
You're an artist.
You're a real one.
I can see that in your eyes.
Huh? Yeah, yeah!
Believe me. Yeah.
You know...
You know, Manny...
Manny, go home and paint.
Paint, Manny, paint.
Come on. Eh?
- Yeah, yeah. Maybe you're right.
- Yeah, I'm right.
- But what about you?
- What about me? What? What?
- You were good.
- Good is the same as bad.
It has to be brilliant.
Yeah. So why is it
hanging on your wall?
Well, it's just, uh...
reminding me not
to pick up a brush again.
Yeah. You like it?
Take it.
It's yours. Consider it an advance
on what I owe you.
Huh?
- I don't know what to say.
- Don't say anything.
Real artists
don't need words.
Eh?
All right.
Good-bye.
See you, huh?
- What's Manny doing with your painting?
- I'm redecorating.
It was the nicest thing
in here.
Excuse me, miss.
You have a provocative
work of art here.
May I take it home
and live with it for a few days...
before I make
my final decision?
And which work of art
would that be?
You. You're the most
beautiful one here.
No, I will not go home
with you, Mr. Dodge.
I'm sorry. Have we met?
See, sometimes my memory fails me.
I-I have...
Korsakov's Syndrome, which means...
If it means always hitting on me,
I'd say you have a terminal case.
- Art, your dad's here.
- l...
Dad, what are you doing here?
I told you I'd pick you up.
I wanted to save you
the trouble.
The last time you saved me the trouble, I
had to track you down at the police station.
I was not lost.
I was arrested for demonstrating against
the death penalty.
Me and my comrades
from the Lincoln Brigade.
Did I ever show you
my scar?
- She has seen it.
- It's a lovely scar, Mr. Dodge.
I'm the only man alive
with two navels.
What's this?
We live in a big, red,
horrible building.
That was in Madrid,
remember?
We moved here four years ago
when Mom died.
Your mother was a fine woman.
Don't drag her into this.
Come on.
Well, this is our home now.
I know that.
You got the big room.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- You have the one with the best ventilation.
- That's true.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes.
Ooh, yes! Yes.
That is exactly what I want.
Hold on. Okay, one cake with the three
in Roman numerals.
That way each one
can be a different flavor.
One could be vanilla, one could be
carrot, and one could be strawberry.
What? Ooh, mocha.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Should we lose the vanilla
or the strawberry?
- Betty, we need to talk and...
- He wants to talk about it.
- I'll call you back. Good-bye.
- Excuse me.
I am not losing the carrot.
God, you are so gorgeous.
You know that? You're gonna look
so good with me up at the altar.
- Eh, excuse us a second. Can you come here?
- Yeah.
Eh...
Listen, Betty, um...
I-I couldn't sleep
last night, uh...
Um... I don't know where to begin.
You are so... special.
Mmm.
Yeah. One in a million.
A real lifesaver.
- I-I owe you big time.
- No.
But, you know,
I was thinking...
"Betty is just too good
for me."
It's like a voice
that says...
"Art, you don't
deserve her."
- It... um...
- What are you saying?
A-All I am saying...
is... is just... wow.
Two weeks. Is that long enough?
I mean, marriage.
Huge in the decision
department, right? Huh?
- What the hell did you do to my sister?
- Nothing, nothing.
- l...
- Don't you hurt her.
All I said to her was
that we were moving a little too fast.
I thought guys like you
always moved too fast.
If you're gonna play the stud,
at least have the common decency...
to do it well
and make her happy.
Betty...
I'm sorry.
- I really didn't mean to upset you.
- Oh, darling, I'm strong.
I spoke to Dr. Huffeyer...
and he said that as long as
I externalize my feelings...
without inhibition...
even my anger...
then everything is fine.
So I'm fine.
And I don't want you
to feel that you can't be...
completely honest with me...
because marriage needs to be based
on openness and trust...
as well as basic
sexual compatibility.
Everything is fine.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Everything is fantastic.
- Good.
- Except for your sister.
Uh... I don't think
she's too crazy about me.
- Well, that's because you're not her type.
- Huh?
I mean, she teaches modern
art at the university, for God's sake.
She goes for those
quasi-intellectual types...
with the glasses
and the frown lines...
and Siberian movies.
Don't. I don't want
to hear it anymore.
You're not gonna leave her.
She knows it.
You know it.
And finally,
I know it.
Bye.
- What's this?
- Mrs. Doyle returned it.
What kind of country
is this...
where people don't even
respect the last wishes of the dead?
Shall I read you the mail or throw it
directly into the wastebasket?
You should only read
love letters.
But they are love letters.
Here's a love letter
from the bank...
and one from the
insurance company...
and, ooh,
very romantic.
A letter
from your optician...
accompanied, of course,
by the bill for your last contacts.
Bills, bills, bills.
Is that all people
ever think about?
What if I don't pay? What are
they gonna do, gouge my eyes out?
I wouldn't give them
any ideas.
Pay the man.
Is Mr. Dodge in?
Do me a favor and tell my brother Arthur
to stop playing hide-and-seek with me.
Tell him I need to
speak to him tonight, you understand?
- Uh, Mr. Dodge.
- You are looking for my brother too?
If you see him before I do,
please tell him I am in town.
Tell him I am in town.
Tell him...
Bart is in town.
Art Dodge, please.
Someone who sounds like Art
calling for Art.
- Hello?
- Hello. I'm calling Art Dodge.
His gallery said I could
reach him at this number.
Fifteen minutes?
I'll call back.
It's his brother, Bart.
All right. Fine.
Bye.
Fine, fine. Fine.
Gloria, it's me.
Listen, it's important.
Call me at Betty's
in exactly, uh...
twenty minutes.
Hi.
Hi.
- Oh, your brother called.
- What? What did you say?
She said your brother called.
What's the matter? Is he dead?
- Since when do you have a brother?
- Since I was 12 minutes old.
- You're twins?
- Yeah.
Huh. Absolutely identical.
Yeah.
That's a happy thought.
Well, we look the same, but,
uh, we've got nothing in common.
I mean, he paints, he
broods, he lives for his art.
He doesn't even like
to sell it.
Maybe he just likes
what he does.
Yeah, who knows?
It takes all kinds.
You know what? He burns some of
his paintings. He's... He's crazy.
That sounds like a colossal
waste of time to me.
Sounds like he might
even be a human being.
- When was the last time you saw him?
- Years.
Last I heard, he was in Italy.
Sorry.
Hello?
Yeah. Hold on.
It's for you.
- For me?
- Mm-hmm.
Really?
- Hello?
- At the tone, the time will be...
exactly 8:30.
Beep.
Gloria, Gloria.
Have you got Bart there?
- I just don't know how to answer that one.
- Let me talk to him.
There must be an easier way
to get a girl into the sack.
Bart? Oh, God!
I can't believe
it's you, man!
I can't believe this is how I'm
using my degree in architecture.
How long are you here for?
What are your plans?
Met this guy a couple of days
ago, works for Sentinel Express.
Maybe we'll have a few drinks. I'll
check out his overnight delivery.
You know, I really
want to see you.
Your relationships with women are
getting more and more bizarre, Art.
- You want to get that looked at.
- When can we get together?
Maybe you should try the
personals. You know what I mean?
- I see, I see.
- Have you considered masturbation?
Well, I can't
promise anything.
Oh, come on.
Promise me something.
- Okay, we'll talk tomorrow.
- Sure, if you're still alive and out of a straitjacket.
- Seriously. Look after yourself,
will ya?
You now owe me four weeks' salary.
- Okay, okay. See you. All right?
- Okay.
Bye, bye, bye.
This guy is incredible.
Love to meet your family.
Personally, I'd rather meet
the Manson family.
"Furthermore,
Mr. President...
"the situation in Algiers
is a disaster.
Dad, Bart's in Miami.
"And the firing...
"of the surgeon general...
"was a major...
"mistake.
What a woman."
I said Bart is in town.
That's nice.
You... You know who
Bart is, don't you?
Of course I do.
I mean, your son,
my twin brother.
- I know who Bart is!
- Okay, okay, okay.
Just because, uh, someone might
call and want to talk to him.
Or you... you might meet
someone who mentions him to you.
I just don't want you to act like you've
never heard of him. You know what I mean?
Believe me, if I'm gonna forget
either son...
it'll be you.
Thank you.
I'm not going to help you!
The next time you're in a jam, I'd
prefer you were straight with me!
I knew it.
I mean, yes, yes.
Your brain works just fine when
something's in it for you, of course.
Listen, you son of a bitch,
and may your mother forgive me.
What is this bullshit
all about?
Well, I was just trying to get you
to help me without having to ask you.
- That's all.
- So ask me.
- I'm your father, right?
- Ah.
Is it money or women?
No, it's...
You don't have to help me.
No, no, you don't want to,
you don't have to do it.
- Money or women?
- Women.
Is she... special?
So what's the problem?
- I'm gonna get married.
- It's about time.
To her sister.
Oh.
Her sister.
This... This twin...
with the idiotic name.
H-He's going to
fix all that?
- Damned if I know. Huh.
- Hmm.
Listen, any second now a woman is
gonna walk in here asking for me.
Tell her I am not in, but she
can speak to my brother Bart.
Bart. Get it?
Yeah, I lie to the woman you're engaged
to, but it's not as bad as it sounds.
I get it. Mm-hmm.
- Good morning.
- Good morning!
- May I help you?
- Yeah.
I'm looking for
Mr. Art Dodge.
- He's not in at the moment.
- Oh.
But if you like, you can
speak with his brother... Bart.
Bart's here?
Oh, I'd love to meet him.
- You mean you don't know him?
- Well, he just arrived from Italy.
Ohh! Of course.
And who shall I say
is here?
Betty Kerner,
Art's fianc?e.
- Bart?
- Yes?
Your... brother's
fianc?e is here.
- A Miss Kerner.
- Please, uh, send her in.
Right this way.
- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
So, you are Betty.
I'm surprised.
So am I.
You're not at all alike.
My brother is obviously attracting
more perceptive women these days.
Thank you.
What do you mean, "these days"?
Well, let's just say...
the girls he used to
bring around...
didn't have your class...
or subtlety.
My brother has
a certain charm.
But don't you find him
a little... boring...
a bit, um, limited?
Not yet.
Art says you're an artist.
You can't really say that about a person
until he's been dead at least, uh, ten years.
What a point of view.
That's so pedantic.
- Eh?
- I mean romantic.
Ah.
My sister
would love you.
Why don't you come by with
Art for dinner tonight?
And you can talk about art
and the meaning of life.
- l-l-l...
- I won't take no for an answer.
- 9:00.
- Okay. Okay.
I can't wait
for my brother.
Miss Fletcher,
if my brother shows up...
please tell him
I need to speak to him.
Betty, a pleasure.
Until tonight, then.
Yeah. Tonight.
- Hey! Hi.
- Hi.
- Betty! You been here long?
- No.
- I met your brother.
- Ohh.
- You're right. He's very complicated.
- Yeah.
But you know what?
He would make a great best man.
Fabulous idea!
He'll love that.
I-I am not sure.
- I'll check it out.
- Okay.
Your brother wants you to call
him anyway. It sounded important.
Darling, would you wait for
me in the car? I won't be long.
Okay. You'll be
at the wedding?
- Wouldn't miss it.
- Okay.
You know, I don't mind lying about
the check being in the mail...
or that some kid's
the new Jackson Pollock...
but I just don't think $7.50
an hour covers whatever this is.
Well, you choose.
It's that or back
to the suicide hot line.
- Art?
- What now?
My name is Gloria. Don't you
ever call me Miss Fletcher again.
What are you doing here? Why do
you follow me everyplace that I go?
I'm not following you. I'm looking out
for you. Someone's gotta protect you.
- You can't take care of yourself.
- I don't want your protection.
- I want you to leave me alone.
- What are you doing with this guy?
Yeah, Art, Art, it's...
it's great to see you again.
You know, Betty's been saying
such wonderful things about you.
Don't touch him!
Don't even get near him.
I'm just trying to congratulate him. Anyone
who makes you happy makes me happy.
You are not fooling me, Gene.
I know you.
No, you know the old Gene. I'm not
the same guy. I mean, give me a chance.
l... here. Here.
I brought you some flowers.
- Thank you.
- Beautiful. Beautiful.
- I'm just a warmhearted guy.
- Wh... What are you...
- Hey! Hey!
- What... What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Giving him the kiss of death?
Kiss of death? What kiss of death?
What is that?
He kisses you,
you're history.
- Didn't you ever see The Godfather?
- Which one?
- Just a moment, sir.
- Sure.
You must be Bart.
And you must be Liz.
So Art told you about me?
Well, eh, he tells me
that you two...
got off
on the wrong foot.
That's a very artful way of putting it.
Yeah, I suppose it is.
- I know he comes off as a little, uh...
- Slick?
Uh, slick.
Really?
- I think he's cool.
- Cool, slick. Whatever.
It's... it fits him.
He's a very smooth operator.
He had to be to survive.
- Survive what?
- Well, we grew up without any money.
You know, I was an artist,
and the kids used to kick my ass all the time.
- He protected me.
- Hello, Bart.
- Hi.
- Hi. Art just called and he can't come.
He said there's some kind of problem
with your dad?
Yeah, the old man's got Korsakov's Syndrome.
You know, memory problems.
Well, it was very nice of Art
to let you come.
Very nice. He's got
a very nice side to him.
Dinner's out
on the veranda.
- This way.
- Oh.
- This is a very nice house, hmm?
- Thank you.
- Wow.
- Glad you came?
For me,
there is only Rimbaud.
Rimbaud. Why?
Well, it's obvious.
He's the original.
I mean, Seagal and Van Damme
are just cheap imitations.
I admire him because
he had the good sense...
to quit while he
was still ahead.
I disagree.
I think that two sequels was plenty.
Honey, Rimbaud, not Rambo.
Poet, French, dead.
I'm just trying to change the
subject before I fall asleep...
face down in my plate.
So are you saying that all artists
should quit when they're 18?
Well, no, but th-they should
have enough sense to stop...
when their best work
is behind them.
You're not gonna
smoke that, are you?
No, I'm gonna eat it.
Excuse me.
My ex-brother-in-law.
He's big on drama.
Unlike your sister.
Get off of my dock,
you maniac.
Are you crazy? Somebody should
take you away and, and lock you up.
Do you know what day
this is, darling?
- Yeah, it's the day they take out the trash.
- It's our anniversary.
No, it's not.
Our anniversary is June 8.
Our second anniversary.
You came all the way here
to tell me that?
I've been paying Dr. Huffeyer a lot
of money so that I could forget it.
Remember the church in Cabo?
That funny little priest.
The burro that ate my bouquet.
It's not gonna work.
No, but the music
is great.
Why, thank you.
Hi, there.
Go for it.
Fireworks and flowers are not gonna
do it, Gene, and neither are mariachi.
They were playing this song.
These are the guys.
I flew 'em in first class.
I even had to get Pablo out of prison,
so it would be perfect for you.
Dance with me?
Go away.
Please?
One last time.
On my honor, I-I'll
never bother you again.
Dance with me?
Have you ever been married?
- No.
- Never.
- Hopper.
- Oh.
So Hopper is, uh,
illegitimate.
Yeah.
Would that little monkey
of yours do this for you?
Ooh! If there's an ape
in my life, it's you.
- Get out of here!
- What did I do?
Of all the manipulative,
scum-sucking... Good night.
- Good night.
- I hate you, Eugene Palletto.
So, eh...
do we have to
stop dancing?
- No.
- Nah.
It's as if he wants me to be, like, this
perfect housewife, but we're not even married.
It's so ridiculous.
Then afterwards, you know, it's
really hard for me to be mad at him...
- for too long because I love him so...
- But that's the point.
The machine
creates the tension.
- Bart?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What a surprise. What are you doing here?
- I work here.
- Uh, that's right, that's right.
- You have time for a coffee?
- Yeah.
- Good. Let's go.
- Okay.
Okay, guys, it was very nice
talking to you, huh?
- Bye-bye.
- All right. Bye.
- Uh-huh.
- All right.
Unfortunately, they don't emphasize
technique these days.
Perfect. You can smother an idea
with technique.
But these kids have things in their heads
they can't get down on paper.
What good is an idea
if it stays up here?
You might as well be
an artist who doesn't paint.
Now, that's my definition
of a coward.
Are you working now?
I can't seem to stop.
I'd love to see
some of your work.
But you just got here,
so there's probably nothing to show yet.
Actually, I shipped
a few pieces here and...
Really?
- If you got a little time...
- Now is good.
- Now?
- Yeah.
Um, okay, great, great.
Uh...
Just, uh, let me make a call,
and we're on our way.
Okay.
Manny, it's Art.
Listen.
You've got to come over to the gallery.
People are going nuts about you.
Art's Gallery.
Gloria, it's me. This is crucial.
You gotta do me a favor.
- Oh, joy.
- Look, Manny'll be there any minute.
- Is he gonna be a twin too?
- This is not a game.
- Keep him there for an hour.
- How do you propose I do that?
Use your charm.
- I'm nervous. Uh...
- Don't be.
You're the first person
to see them in a long time.
They are no big deal,
really.
Bart, they're very good.
I like them.
I like them a lot.
Good.
- Is that yours?
- Yeah.
- I love that.
- Yeah?
It's beautiful.
You know why?
No.
It's both simple
and heartfelt.
Keep it.
- What? Are you kidding?
- Take it. My gift.
- Oh, no, I couldn't.
- Of course you can.
I want you to have it.
Please.
Oh, I love this.
Good.
Well, I better go.
You were very talented.
Todavia no se porque lo
dejaste. Este es muy bueno.
- Hi.
- How was your swim?
Art's Gallery.
Gloria, any messages
for me?
Hillerman. He read about your, "merger
with the Kerner fortune..."
is, I believe,
how he put it...
- so he's raising the rent.
- Any other calls?
One, but it's not
for you.
If you see your brother Bart,
tell him I have a message for him.
Wait, wait, wait!
Art's Gallery.
Gloria, this is Bart.
Do I have any calls?
As it happens, a certain
Liz Kerner called.
She said
she'd call back.
Bart, I'm worried
about your brother.
You should be, Gloria.
We'll discuss it later.
I'm going to fix myself
a drink.
- Anybody want anything?
- I'd love a vodka tonic.
- Liz, what about you?
- No, thanks.
No, Hopper, it's not me. It's not me.
No, cancel that order! Excuse me.
Maria, could you use another phone?
Thank you.
What? What?
No, forget it!
Don't accept those conditions.
Hello?
This is Bart Dodge.
May I speak to Liz, please?
- Hello?
- Liz? It's Bart.
- You called?
- Yeah.
We were having kind of
a lazy day here and...
You want to come by?
Your brother's here.
Can't make it
this afternoon.
Oh, how about dinner, then?
Just the two of us.
Sure. Good.
Much better.
9:00 okay?
- Can you make it a bit later?
- 9:30, then.
Let's compromise. 10:00.
Okay. You want to
talk to Art?
Sure. Put him on.
Okay, hold on a second.
Art!
- Phone for you. It's your brother.
- Oh.
- Can you hold that?
- Yeah.
Thanks. Thanks.
Um, Bart?
That's no problem.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sounds great. Yeah, well.
See you later.
Bye.
Yeah.
I forgot the ice.
- Here you are.
- Hmm. Thank you.
How's Bart?
Bart. Bart's fine.
He's fine.
Very happy, actually.
Eh, Betty, I got a problem
making dinner tonight, uh...
Miss this dinner,
my darling...
and your problems
are just beginning.
- Oh, la, la, monsieur.
- What?
If you permit me to say, you
are committing a hideous crime.
Doctors orders. It's the only
way she can take her medicine.
Monsieur, that is
a Chateau Fontegnac.
This is not a wine
to toy with.
- Pardon.
- Look, buddy, it's my wine.
I paid for it.
Now, if I want to piss in it,
that's my business.
- Okay?
- As you wish, monsieur.
Espece de cochon.
Excusez-moi.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Arriba. Abajo.
- Al centro.
- Por dentro.
Whatever.
Mmm. Oof.
Ohh, Art,
I love you.
Hmm.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Huh.
I wanted to see if, um...
Aiieee! Ai, ai, ai!
It's always raining
when you need a cab.
Uh... do you think Art has
anything I could change into?
Upstairs?
Are you hungry?
Famished.
- Here?
- Yeah. Do you know it?
I had dinner here
not too long ago.
It's okay.
- People sure stare at you.
- No, they're looking at you.
Nice to see you again,
monsieur.
Eh, we'd like
a bottle of wine.
Eh, Chateau Fontegnac.
Alas, monsieur,
I am desolated.
Some person...
has committed an atrocity...
against
the very last bottle.
I think if you take a careful look in
the cellar, you'll find another one.
Certainement, monsieur.
If you promise not
to piss in it.
- He's French.
- They shouldn't let him out of the cellar.
Yeah.
So, um, your sister...
my brother.
Think we'll be dancing at
their 50th wedding anniversary?
I have no idea.
She might just marry him twice and then
move on to the next lucky contestant.
You know,
Art is a little worried.
He thinks they might
be rushing things and...
It's too late now. The
Titanic has already sailed.
Maybe you can talk to Betty
about it, be the voice of reason.
The only voice Betty listens
to is the call of the wild.
Yes.
Perfect.
Hmm.
- Thank you.
- Je vous en prie.
Psst!
Shall I distract the lady
now while you slip...
a little something
into her wine?
What a character, huh?
You really crack me up.
Oh, dites donc.
To you.
- I hope we can be friends.
- We'll have to be.
We'll be related, almost
like brother and sister.
Right.
You don't like the idea?
Yeah, yeah.
It's just that, uh...
this makes what I'm thinking
about taboo in most civilizations.
Would you like
to come in?
Maybe I should
go home.
Nobody's waiting up
for you, are they?
So to top it all off...
he shoots his underpants
over the shower door to me.
No, I don't believe it.
Poor guy.
What a way to start a day.
How about me?
Well, you were
taking a shower.
I mean, he was the one
humping the glass door.
He must have been
terribly humiliated.
Right. I was
just violated.
Not you.
You are too tough.
Tough?
Too tough?
No, no, no.
No, Betty.
No, Betty, no, no.
No, no.
No, no!
You were dreaming about my sister.
Yeah. Yeah.
When we were growing up, every
boyfriend I had had a crush on her.
Did that sound like
a good dream?
- Hmm?
- No, I guess not.
Ohh!
I was at the wedding.
It was a nightmare.
I was the...
The best man...
and I couldn't move.
And then...
there you were...
Beautiful and perfect.
Let's just forget
about Betty and Art.
Yeah.
Let's forget 'em.
Yeah.
Where are you going?
To splash some cold water
on my face.
Hmm.
Hmm. Ohh, God.
I have this
incredible headache.
- Me too.
- You do?
I think I need
an aspirin. Yeah.
- Oh.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Aspirin. Aspirin.
Yeah.
Bart?
I'll be right out.
Oh, I feel like
my head's gonna pop...
like I've been in a coma
or something.
Will you rub my neck
for a minute?
- Neck? Yeah, yeah.
- Please?
Thanks.
Did I drink a lot
last night?
Well...
- Right.
- What's wrong?
Forgot the aspirin. We both
had too much last night.
Ooh!
Ohh!
Hey, what took you
so long?
- l-I-I-I hopped in the shower.
- I need one too.
- I'm late for work.
- Yeah, and...
Art?
Art!
Whew! Ohh.
- You're not dressed yet.
- No.
I think I'm going to
take a shower.
Another one?
Yeah, I forgot, uh,
my ankles.
Ooh! Aah! Ow!
- You up?
- Didn't you hear me calling you?
Soap in my ears.
Did I leave the water on?
Yeah.
Ohh.
Ohh!
- Hey.
- Hi.
I gotta go,
but you stay.
- I'll have Maria make you breakfast.
- Yeah. That's okay.
I'd better be off. I don't
want to run into Bart... Art!
- I'll call you later.
- Sure.
Bye.
Art?
- Art!
- What?
I'm leaving now.
I have a date.
You're on the 9:00 to Puerto Vallarta.
Um...
I-I'm just going to
fall back and...
regroup for a while
and...
make a plan.
Dumping one sister
at the altar...
and leaving the other
with a cheap one-night stand?
That's some fine plan.
You should
write that down.
You know...
1,000 ways to humiliate...
degrade, generally make
everyone miserable.
See ya.
- All right.
- I'm gonna play these ones.
- Give me...
- You want two fives still?
I'll take one.
- What you got?
- I'll take one.
- I'll take two.
- You're taking two?
- Two I'm taking.
- All right.
- Give me one.
- I'll take one.
- Hey, wait a minute. That's my card.
- What's the matter with you?
Hey, hey, hey.
I need your help.
- I saw you pull an ace out of your shoe.
- I didn't do it!
- I'm in a jam. You gotta help me.
- I can't. I'm in a hole.
This is serious. You gotta go
out, start the car and wait for me.
- Let me finish this hand.
- There is no time. Someone is after me.
- Cool! Way better than poker.
- Better than poker!
Where's my hat?
I'm coming, I'm coming!
- Come on, boys! I don't wanna be late!
- Okay! Go, go!
- The car is right here.
- Move, move!
- All right.
- Come on! Let's go, let's go!
- I'm bad at driving.
- Who's driving? Who's driving?
Just get in.
Okay, let's go, let's go.
All right,
get back in there.
You remember how, don't ya?
- Of course I do.
Idiot son of mine. Who else
would own a stick shift?
It's like making love to a woman...
put it in slowly and then floor it.
What do you know?
You haven't even got a license!
- It's only because I can't see.
- What are you doing? It's not even raining!
I don't know.
Wait a minute. Something...
I don't understand!
All right!
Move! Move! Let's go!
Come on!
- There!
- Hey! Now you're talking!
Take it slowly!
- Go back to
the home, you old farts!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Positively Homeric!
- I can't, I'm telling you!
- I'm telling you! I'm telling you!
: El embrague!: El
El embrague!
Eso, eso! Alli, arriba!
Taxi!
- Hey! They're coming!
Let's go! Let's go!
No! Hey!
I can't concentrate
on these pedals!
I'll steer!
Just step on it!
Come on!
It's all right!
Look out!
Keep going! Keep going!
Keep going! Stomp on it!
There's a valley in Spain
called Jarama
It's a place that
we all know so well
It was there that we gave
of our manhood
Where so many of
our brave comrades fell
Viva la Rep?blica!
Go, go! We can make it!
Aaah! Stop!
We're gonna die!
Relax! lt'll be fine! I've
seen it done a thousand times!
Not in real life!
Yes! Yes! We done it!
- All right, all right.
- Let him out.
- I think I can do it.
- One leg at a time.
- My behind is broken.
- I got it, I got it.
- I'll never dance again. I know it.
- Okay, you guys go ahead.
I'll get the car back
tomorrow, all right?
And hey, hey...
Thanks.
Son, don't let that asshole brother
of yours get you into any more trouble.
Next time you have a problem,
call me.
- These guys are useless.
- I will.
- Avanti.
- We are proud of the Lincoln Battalion
And the fight for Madrid
that we made
There we fought like true sons
of the people
As part of
the 15th Brigade
- Art.
- I know you hate me, but can I come in?
I'm not alone.
- Manny.
- Hi, Art.
I-I took your advice
about the charm.
- So maybe I got a little carried away.
- I'll say.
- Well, uh...
- Is, uh, something the matter?
Um, I was just looking for a quiet place
to spend the night, but, uh...
- It wouldn't be here, would it?
- Wait a second.
You and... Manny?
When I said his brush strokes
spoke volumes...
I had no idea.
- You know what else?
- No, please. Don't tell me.
Key to the studio.
- You can spend the night there.
- Thanks, Manny.
Who is it?
Hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait...
Aah!
- Are you guys crazy or what, huh?
- I think we're "what."
Wait. Wait...
Aaah!
- Uh... no.
- Not his face!
We want the groom
to look pretty tomorrow.
- He might not dance so good.
- Look...
I am leaving. She's all yours.
Yeah, schmucks like you always
bail out at the last minute...
no matter who
takes the fall.
Luckily I'm here
to protect Betty.
You started somethin',
and you're gonna finish it.
You're gonna go there
and marry her tomorrow...
and what's more,
you're gonna make her happy.
Because, so help me,
if you ever make Betty cry...
I'm gonna break one bone
for every tear.
And you know
she cries a lot.
I just gotta get rid of all
of this negative energy!
- Doctor's orders!
- Not his face, boss!
- Who says?
- Uh, you did, boss.
- You did, boss.
- Y-you did.
You always gotta listen
to the boss.
Oh, my God.
Bart?
Oh, my...
Are you all right?
- Ohh!
- I've been better.
Ohh.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- Is something broken?
- A rib, maybe.
- Owwie.
It's okay.
It's okay.
We should call somebody.
What?
You're so...
Iovely.
- Please be quiet.
- No, no. I mean it.
When you are like this...
Frowning...
It is fantastic.
Um, I am very happy
you came.
I think
you're getting better.
Ooh.
Tell me what happened.
What happened?
I love you, Liz.
That's what happened.
From the moment
I laid eyes on you...
when I stepped
in the shower...
and there you were...
glaring at me
through the water.
- That was Art.
- Yeah.
I am Art.
- What kind of joke is this?
- It's not a joke. It's not a joke.
- All right, what does Betty keep on her night table?
- Uh...
Five bottles of pills
and...
three boxes of Kleenex
and...
a beautiful picture
of you.
- I can't believe this.
- Sure you can.
Sure you can.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, I can.
I believe you can betray Bart like this,
betray my sister, betray me...
No, the person I've betrayed the most...
is myself.
Why?
Because you stopped?
Because you could've
gotten away with it?
- Yeah, you really blew it.
- I want you to be with me.
Not with someone else.
You know...
I've always loved you.
- Don't.
- Please.
- Don't do this.
- Please, please. Please.
You know what
I'm thinking about?
Your mother.
I'm sure she'd give you
a good whipping.
You sure as hell
deserve one.
Yeah.
I remember when
you and Bart were born.
She cried
for a whole month.
You sure someone who lives in
this house wants to marry you?
Not me, Dad.
Art. Art!
What amazes me is that Art doesn't want
to marry someone who lives in this house.
What made you
change your mind?
I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.
- Congratulations.
- No, Manny.
I am not the one
who's getting married.
It's my brother Art.
You follow?
- Yeah, sure.
- Bart.
My name is Bart.
Bart.
We could speak
to the preacher.
I'm sure he'd marry us
on the spot.
I'd love to, but you're just
too young and foolish for me.
Bart.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Um...
- What?
- I have to tell you something.
But I don't want you to get angry.
Promise me.
- I could never be angry with you.
- Not with me, with your brother.
- What?
- He told me that he loved me last night.
- Well...
- You promised.
We can't let him
marry Betty.
Great.
What you do now is tell Betty
what you just told me.
Right.
You're right.
Yeah.
It's just that
it's so hurtful.
A-And you...
I'm really sorry.
I know, I know, I know.
Liz.
Do you feel anything
for Art?
No.
How did things
get so screwed up?
I gotta get these
checked.
I saw Art last night...
and he said some things
that made it clear...
that he's not ready for the kind
of commitment that you deserve.
Well, I think he is.
He said he's had feelings for
me since the day he met me.
No offense, Lizzie, but your record
with men is really not all that great.
You've never known how to read them
and you still don't.
He said... he loved me.
Well, I'm sure
that he does.
He kissed me.
There.
I kissed you too.
But that doesn't mean
that I'm in love with you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Art?
- Yes, Manny, yes.
I'm glad you could make it. One more
Dodge and we can have a used car lot.
You knew Ernest Hemingway
personally?
- Hi.
- Yes. We played golf together.
- Uh, see you later, huh?
- Hemingway never hit the front lines...
until the only people aiming at him
were the photographers.
I mean no.
So, my dear, just relax
and follow your instincts.
Fly in the sky, free like a bird.
What have you done?
Don't you know that it's bad luck
to see the bride before the wedding?
Um... I'm sorry.
We're not gonna have
bad luck, are we?
Hmm?
'Cause I just want
everybody to be happy.
So, you must be
the famous Art.
Dr. Huffeyer,
I presume.
Huffeyer. A pleasure.
Yes. Right.
Betty talks about you
all the time.
I have to admit I'm even
just a little bit jealous.
What you have achieved in a very short time
I haven't come close to in years of treatment.
What a beautiful ring.
Where did you find it?
You're not going to believe this,
but it fell from heaven.
Ah. Does it say "Love you, Huffy"
on the inside?
It's... It's...
It's my ring.
- I need it.
- Sorry... Sorry, Doctor.
See you later, eh?
Are you really going to
go through with this?
Any reason I shouldn't?
- Bart's looking for you everywhere.
- Is he?
- He wants to talk to you.
- He told you that?
Yes. Now stay here.
It's incredibly important.
- He told you that too?
- Yes.
I'm gonna go get him. You
just wait here. Don't move.
Did you tell Betty
about last night?
You... Ohh.
Ohh!
Grow up!
- Hello?
- Maria.
- Um, get me Dr. Huffeyer.
- I'll check the garden, miss. Hold on one second.
Bart. Bart, I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Betty won't listen to me.
You have to convince Art to call it off.
- Right.
- No, no, this way. This way.
Bye.
So what is the big deal?
What do you want me to do?
- Hold up the ceremony?
- I won't let him make my sister unhappy.
Is that
the only reason?
Okay.
I-I'm gonna look for him
right now.
He's waiting for you.
Here?
Mmm. Mmm.
Art?
Art.
Look, man.
You can't do this to Betty.
You've got to call it off.
You amaze me.
You just show up after four years,
and right away you launch into sermons?
- Geez, Bart!
- Art?
- Sermon, my ass.
- Bart?
You are about to make the all-time
biggest possible mistake, and you know it.
And look at me when I am talking to you! You
are going to make Betty totally miserable.
Everything is
so damned simple for you.
Look, in two days,
you've got everything...
everything
I've always wanted.
Your problem is, you've never
known what you've wanted.
Hello!
Maybe I don't know
what I want...
but at least I don't run away
every time there is a problem!
Did he think
he could pull this off?
Does your brother think I'm
brain-dead? Shut up! Don't answer that!
I could change my mind
and croak you right here!
Gene. Listen good.
I mean, Bart is right.
You are the one who is in love with
Betty, and you're telling me to marry her?
- It doesn't make any sense.
- When was the last time things made any sense?
What you want, what I want,
isn't worth squat.
The only thing that matters here
is what Betty wants...
And what she wants is you.
And so help me God, she's going
to get you, probably not for long.
See, guys like you, you come and go.
You're just a temp!
But I'm forever...
because I...
I really love her.
So now, pal...
You and I got a date
with fate...
- All right.
- At the altar.
Are you ready, dear?
"Wedding March"]
- [Guests Murmuring]
She looks gorgeous.
Cheer up, dear boy.
It's a wedding, not an execution.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
before our Lord God
and this company...
to unite this man
and this woman...
in the bonds
ofholy matrimony...
to join this couple
together...
until... death.
Seeing some of those present...
Lord, you must
be thinking...
"I've seen these faces
somewhere before."
Let us remember...
the solemnity
of this ceremony.
Listen to my questions...
and give thought
to all of your answers.
If anyone knows any reason...
these two people should not
bejoined in marriage...
speak now, or forever
hold your peace.
I do.
No, dear. Remember?
- That comes later.
- No.
You pig!
You worthless, selfish
son of a bitch!
- You only think of yourself!
All the time!
You may be rich,
but you're a creep, and I love you!
I do love you.
No, Hopper. Not now.
You son of a bitch.
What would Freud
have made of this?
I couldn't leave
without saying good-bye.
Uh, I've gotta
go back to Italy.
Responsibilities.
I have kids.
Three boys.
Three?
Yeah.
Three little bambinos.
Luigi and Paolo
and, and...
- Gi...
- Giuseppe?
- Giulio.
- Giulio.
Is there a wife?
Hate the woman.
I haven't spoken to her for years.
The boys live with their grandma.
But yesterday the old lady
fell down the stairs and...
Dead?
Paralyzed...
from the neck down.
Well...
good-bye.
I'm sorry.
Give my love to Art.
He's not good enough
for you.
Neither am I.
Good-bye, Liz.
Good-bye...
Art.
All right, now!
Yea!
You really should...
See you around.
- Okay. See you, see you. How are you doing?
- Fine.
I love the show. Bye.
Well, uh...
congratulations.
The gallery's gonna do much better
with you running it.
- Well, I think I have a better eye for talent.
- You're referring to me?
But there's one client I think you
should handle personally.
There is only
one true work of art...
in this whole room...
you.
See you later, kids.
Hello.
Hello.
I've been told this painting's
not for sale.
It already has an owner.
I don't think she,
she cares about it anymore.
I knew the artist.
I doubt it.
You and him don't move
in the same circles.
Maybe I'm talking
to the wrong person.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
The first time I set eyes on
you, everything else faded away.
I mean, from that moment on,
for me there was only you.
Only me?
You mean my sister first
and then me.
- You had a pretty good deal there, admit it.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Do you honestly think I was having fun?
I mean, think about it.
- Why did you lie to me?
- Because you never gave me a chance.
Because I couldn't stand being rejected
and then seeing you fall in love with Bart.
- You are Bart!
- No, Bart doesn't exist!
All right.
You miss Bart?
I'll stop being Art,
and I'll be Bart.
You really are a brick short,
aren't you?
From the moment I met you.
Art already told me that.
Or was that Bart?
Just tell me,
who do you want me to be?
So was that
Art or Bart?
Just me.