Two Guys Talkin' About Girls (1996) Movie Script

Man:

Yo, Roxy, can we get a couple

of cheesecakes over here?

Roxy:

You got it.

Man:

Sex, Lenny.

Sex, go ahead, say it.

- Lenny: No.

- Man: You didn't

get any, did you?

Lenny: Hey, hey, hey,

we only had three dates.

- Man: You told her

you loved her.

- Lenny: No, I didn't.

- Man: Yes, you did. Yes.

- Lenny: No, not exactly, Joe.

It's not that simple.

Joe: Sex is not something

you should try and defend

yourself against.

If it feels good, do it.

Lenny:

If you take

a perfectly rational guy

and dangle a beautiful girl

in front of him,

he will do anything.

He will swan dive

completely off the deep end,

sex or no sex.

Joe:

Yeah, right.

Speak for yourself.

Lenny:

Didn't you ever try to consciously not like a girl?

And you're

going out with her

and then there's this--

this moment

where she just gives you

this smile

like, "It's okay,

go bald, get fat,

watch football

in your underwear,

I will always love you."

Even though she's probably

thinking anything but,

and it cuts right through

every one of your defenses.

A smile.

A smile just like that

and you're dead.

You're just like

this grinning idiot.

Joe:

Why would I ever try

and not like a girl?

Lenny:

I don't know, stay in control,

keep your edge.

Joe:

Hey, a girl wants you

to like her.

That's why she puts up

with you in the first place.

You like her,

she feels good about herself,

you feel good

about feeling her.

Lenny:

Oh, well, so much

for the platonic approach.

Joe:

Hey, hey, let me

tell you something.

Plato got laid, all right?

Probably a lot.

Lenny:

Okay, Mr. Philosophy,

do you know who

the Greek god of wisdom was?

Joe:

Where are you

going with this?

Lenny:

It wasn't a god.

It was a goddess.

Her name was Athena.

Joe:

Yeah, and each year she'd fly

over the pumpkin patch

in a G-string

and Wonderbra

and drop little presents down to all the boys and girls.

- Give me a break, Len.

- Lenny: You have no

respect for women.

Joe:

I've got respect for women.

- You've got

no respect for yourself.

- Lenny: Eh, blow me.

Joe:

Hey, girls do not sit around

diners talking about guys.

They're out there,

they're on the other side of the booth in the real world.

Lenny:

You watch. The right girl

is gonna fall out of the sky

one of these days...

Joe:

Every girl for you

is the right girl.

Lenny:

No, you are

overreacting here.

Joe:

Let me tell you something,

next time you get hit

by one of these meteors

and you don't follow through,

I am gonna make you

do something about it.

Lenny:

Okay, fine, Joe.

It won't happen again.

Man's voice:

Throughout the millennia,

man has gazed

up at the heavens,

yet it wasn't until

the age of space exploration

that we learned

what a cold and desolate place

the universe really is.

The Greek philosopher Plato

said that if man

is to find his brethren

among the spheres of space,

that he had best be prepared

to make the trip alone.

Are we truly

the sole masters of our fates?

Will we ever receive

a sign from a brilliant

heavenly body?

It may take a lifetime

of effort,

but the search for intelligent life continues.

On Long Island?

You got to

start somewhere.

Guide:

Please follow me.

Okay, step right up.

You're next.

[ chatter ]

Okay, move up.

You're next.

Yes.

Woman:

The graduate program's okay,

but they teach

straight from the books.

Lenny:

That's why you come here?

That's one reason.

[ owl hoots ]

Weren't you here

last week?

Me? No, no.

Yeah. Yeah,

I wanted to meet you.

I'm glad you did.

So what now?

- So, um...

- Yeah?

Is it all right

if I give you a-- a call?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Wait, you need...

- I kinda need your number.

...my number.

Rhonda.

There.

See ya.

Bye.

[ engine starts ]

[ honks horn ]

- [ coin drops ]

- [ dials phone ]

[ line ringing ]

Come on.

Aw, come on.

Come on, come on,

come on, come on,

come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on, already!

- [ phone rings ]

- [ gasps ]

- Hello?

- Joe? Joe?

- Hello?

- Joe, can you hear me?

Lenny?

Uh, Joe, you're home.

Lenny, what's

the matter with you?

- [ woman moaning ]

- Lenny: Did I wake you up?

No, no.

I was, uh--

I was-- I was

doing aerobics.

- Aw, nuts.

- Why, what is it, buddy?

It's nothing.

It's nothing, I'm sorry.

Yeah, right,

sorry, my dimpled ass.

- What you got?

- Look, never you mind.

Look, I will call you back.

I got you at a bad time.

Yeah, it's too late

for that, Len.

What do you want?

Could we do

the Hilite?

The Hilite?

Lenny, it's a quarter after...

whatever it is.

I was trying-- I was doing

aerobics, you know?

I know.

All right.

Give me 20 minutes, okay?

- What?

- Thanks, Joe.

- Hey, I owe ya.

- Yeah, I know.

♪ One, two, three...

[ blues music playing ]

- Hey, Joe!

- [ honks horn ]

♪ I ain't got no woman...

Lenny:

Thanks for putting up with me.

Joe:

So who is she this time, Len?

I mean, you're having sex

with somebody and I call

you up to bitch?

Not even, to make that

rant and rave about

some ineffectual,

mindless, meaningless--

What, are you

in love again?

Oh, don't I know it.

- How you doin', boys?

- Hiya, sweetie.

- Hi, Rox.

Pair of coffees.

- Gotcha.

- Make his a decaf.

- A decaf for him.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, that's not

just a good idea...

All:

It's the law.

God, I love

the way she walks.

- So when I called you...

- Yeah?

...who were you

in the middle of?

Cindy.

- Cindy?

You gotta be kidding me.

- Yeah.

I thought she moved

back to Jersey.

No, that was

Cindy Three.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

you seeing Cindy Two again?

Cindy Four?

Oh, that's nice.

I suppose with one more,

you win a free toaster.

I hope.

Come on, Len,

what's the problem?

The problem is...

there is no problem.

No, there must be,

or else you wouldn't

have dragged me out here

in the middle

of the friggin' night.

Is that new perfume

you're wearing?

- Yeah, it is.

- That's great, I love it.

I'm telling you, Joe.

I think this girl is it.

After talking with her

for 20 minutes,

I'm tacking my last name

after her first name.

I'm beginning to imagine

what she's gonna look like

in maternity clothes,

for Christ's sakes.

Look at this.

What the hell is that?

She drew her name

and number on my hand.

Oh, that's sweet.

I know what

you're gonna say.

- Yeah.

- Don't.

"Take it easy,

don't worry about it,

one day at a time,"

jeez.

What do you mean, "jeez"?

That's my advice you're

trashing.

Joe, I don't want to ride

the brakes when I'm going

downhill.

This girl-- oh, this girl

is so sweet, I could eat

her for lunch.

I'd give her the moon,

if I could.

[ quietly ]

Pedestal alert.

What?

[ enunciating ]

Pedestal alert.

Pedestal? We're talking

friggin' skyscrapers here.

I feel like

I'm back in college.

Oh, no, not, uh,

what was her name?

Sharon who looked

like a fish?

No, no, no, no, no.

It was Lisa with a nose

like a penis.

- Yeah, she was cute.

- Here you go.

Hey, I'm talking here.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you.

Why don't you

have some cheesecake?

You'll feel better.

Okay.

- Joe, I met this girl...

- Right, right.

...at the planetarium, you know?

You know what I'm saying here?

- How many girls go

to planetarium shows?

- I don't want to know.

I just don't want

to screw this one up.

Don't worry.

It happens all by itself.

Wow, I never even

mentioned Cindy One.

- Neither did I.

- You didn't have to.

You got the twitch.

- Oh, I got a twitch now?

- Yeah, you got a twitch.

- I ain't got no twitch.

- All right, you don't

got no twitch.

Cindy One.

See?

So, you fuck her?

What? Who?

Rhonda who I'm fond-a.

Joe, I can't--

I can't believe you.

What did you want me to do,

right there in the planetarium?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Oh, you're right.

I'm sorry, you're right.

You're right,

you're right.

You just met her.

Did you hold her hand?

That's rich.

Please, take my heart.

Spit on it.

You want my car, too?

- No.

- You can have it.

I'm not gonna need it

after I lay my body down

in the middle of Route 347,

you freakin' slug.

Yeah, well, if all

I wanted was your car,

I woulda just taken it.

What's over there?

- What?

- 10:00.

Thanks.

What are you gonna

do with that?

Joe?

I'm gonna get your mind

off of Rhonda.

Joe, you got no confidence

and it's-- it's sad.

Hey, how you doin'?

[ speaking quietly ]

- Roxy: Anything else?

- Man: Nah.

Cindy Four.

There.

[ laughs ]

There? There what?

There, I got

us both dates.

- Both of us?

- Mm-hmm.

Wait a second.

I told 'em your brother

just died, okay?

- So they feel

sorry for you.

- You-- my brother?

I wasn't aware

I had a brother.

Exactly, so that way

you can't get caught,

all right?

Now drink your coffee.

Hey, don't forget

I got us that date

Sunday night.

Oh, no.

D-d-don't make me

go on this date.

What am I gonna

say to these girls?

You know anything

that comes out of my mouth

is gonna sound like a lie,

so what's gonna happen?

They'll talk to me

for a couple of minutes,

I will buy them

a lot of drinks,

I'll stand there

and squirm,

and then they'll just

move off to the next guy.

I say hi.

- Hi?

- Hi. H-I, yes.

- Hi.

No, you did not

just say hi.

It's what you say

when you're saying hi.

Me, I say hi and it's,

"Hi, how you doing?

No, I'm sorry,

I am bothering you.

I will go away now."

You, you say hi and it's,

"Hi, how ya doin'?

No, no,

it's okay to stare.

I'll just condescend

and grace you with

my presence. Hi."

You just need

the right attitude, Len.

Is that what it is?

- Beautiful women...

- Yeah?

...more insecure

than ugly ones.

Really? Well, then Rhonda

must be very insecure.

You need to loosen up.

How's that, Joe,

better?

I'm serious.

You look like

you slipped a disk.

Loosen up,

use your shoulders.

- Feels good, doesn't it?

- Oh, my God, you see that?

- That's all right.

- This is phenomenal.

[ exaggerated New York accent ]

Hey, Rhonda.

Hey, it's me, Lenny.

Yeah, look at my shoulders.

- I take Visa...

- Whoo.

- ...MasterCard...

- Hey.

- ...American Express.

- Watch out.

I do mothers,

daughters,

pets, small pets.

Small household

appliances.

Appliances?

Stay away from

the jukebox, all right?

How you doin', PJ?

Good to see ya.

Come on.

♪ ...walkin' down

the street with money... ♪

Joe: What, what is it?

Why are you so quiet

all of a sudden, huh?

No, I'm not quiet.

Really?

[ yells ]

I'm not quiet!

I'm telling you,

if you mention Rhonda,

I will hit you

and it will hurt.

What? What is your problem?

I'm here, I'm having fun.

Yeah, well, I can't

have you going off about

Princess Leia, all right?

I told these girls

we'd meet 'em here.

All right, okay, okay.

It's just-- okay.

All right,

where are they?

Oh, there they go.

Look at 'em.

I'm telling you, a woman

is like an engine.

You gotta take care of it,

you gotta lubricate it,

you know what I mean?

It's just instead

of using 10W-40 stuff,

you buy 'em

a drink, you know?

Instead of just letting

them sit there and idle

in your driveway,

you know, we should

dance with them,

don't you think?

Dance with them.

Come on, man.

- Okay, let's

rotate some tires.

- All right.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Why don't you, uh,

take 'em for a test spin

and I'll, uh, spectate?

Yeah, I plan on giving

'em more than a test spin,

all right? Come on.

What are you doing?

Dance with them.

Maybe, um--

maybe I don't want to dance.

- Why not?

- Because, you know,

we just have a--

Because what?

Because they're

not hot enough?

- Because-- no.

- Huh? Because they're

not smart enough?

- I never said that.

What are you talking about?

- She looks very smart.

- Because the pedestal

ain't high enough?

- I never mentioned Rhonda.

- Ta-da! See, you want

to go see Rhonda?

- No.

- Hey, let's go see Rhonda.

- I don't think so.

That sounds like a plan.

Let's go see Rhonda.

- No, what are you--

- Excuse me.

You two,

you look great tonight.

Your mother must be so proud,

both of you, really. Great.

He's gonna have to call you

some other time, okay?

All right?

After he grows up.

Come on, Pokey,

we're outta here.

Um-- um...

Joe:

Oh, nice neighborhood.

You sure

you can afford this?

[ Lenny whispering ]

Joe, I don't want to be here.

Len, I don't care.

Listen, you're gonna

be real quiet, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You mean like

no noise, right?

[ squeaking ]

Joe, I'm not amused.

[ squeaking stops ]

Is it raining?

You're an idiot.

- All right, let's go.

- Go where?

Joe, Joe, Joe,

it's the middle

of the night.

I know.

Joe, come on.

Don't be doing this

to me.

- It's a nice place.

- It's a very nice place.

But, look, if you want

to meet her that bad,

I'll arrange a brunch

next weekend, okay?

Let me check first.

- It's cool, I wanna

check for a dog.

- Can we go now?

All right.

It's a nice place.

I like it.

Don't, Joe.

Shh.

No, no, hey.

Would you relax?

- Don't--

- [ clatters ]

- Put it-- put it--

- That's smooth.

Joe.

Set it down.

Could we--

- No.

- You wanted to be here.

No, I-- Joe!

You go up there,

I'm not following you.

I'm not going.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Come on.

Oh!

Hey, hey, hey!

[ dog barking ]

Come on, come on.

You're a pal,

you know that?

Come on.

You all right?

[ door opens ]

[ cocks gun ]

[ distant train

horn blowing ]

Ho.

Both: Ho.

I see that

Second Amendment's

very big around here.

So's that gun.

You all right?

Great,

never been better.

Good.

All right,

let's see if this is open.

No, I don't think so.

Enough is enough.

Can we get out of here now?

- Is that her?

- Yeah, that's her.

- Redhead?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, okay, let's see

if it's true.

- No.

- Yes. Come on.

- No, no.

- Why not?

- I will slam your fingers

in this window.

- No, you won't.

- You're not going in there.

Let go, let go.

It's open.

She's practically

begging us to come in.

She is begging.

Can you hear it?

"Lenny, Lenny."

Trespassing,

breaking--

Come on.

[ rattles ]

Okay.

All right.

What--

what do you think?

- That's her?

- That's her.

Yeah.

Okay, you've seen her.

You've smelled her.

I'm not gonna let

you touch her,

so can we get

out of here, please?

Hey, she likes sheep.

- Put that down.

- [ bleats ]

- Joe, no, no, no.

- [ kisses ]

Paul, cut it out.

Paul?

Excuse me,

who's Paul?

Oh, she's so beautiful.

What are you doing?

What are you doing, Joe?

[ jingling ]

Lenny.

Hey, Len.

Hey, hey.

Put that back.

[ moans ]

Kiss me.

She wants me

to kiss her.

- Kiss me.

- Should I kiss her?

Paul, I love your tongue.

Paul again.

[ both moaning ]

[ spraying ]

[ screams ]

Oh, God.

Go.

- [ shotgun cocks ]

- Father: Rhonda?

- Can we go now?

- Go where?

Jump.

You son of a bitch.

- [ seagulls squawking ]

- [ blows horn ]

Joe:

You know, last time

I saw a sunrise like this,

I hurt my back.

Lenny:

Yeah? Doing what?

Joe:

Cindy Two.

You know, the sun's

probably streaming

through Rhonda's

bedroom window right now,

just waking her up

so she can remember

how much she hates me.

Lighten up,

would ya, Len?

That's okay.

I never wanted to see her

again in my life anyway.

Yeah, yeah,

you and Paul, huh?

Hey, drop dead,

would you, please?

Look, Lenny,

she was half asleep.

She won't even remember

anything ever happened.

All I know is

when she was kissing me,

she seemed wide awake.

Right, so when

you talk to her--

Oh, it ain't

gonna happen, Joe.

No, look, Len,

when you talk to her

and she mentions anything,

you know,

deny it.

- Right.

- You repeat it

back to her, you see.

She says, uh-- "No, honey,

I was in your bedroom

Sunday night?

No, I would've loved

to have been in your

bedroom Sunday night.

But, see, we've only

had one date.

I was kinda hoping

to save that for

the second date."

See? See how it works?

Sounds so stupid,

she'll never believe it.

Drop it, okay?

- She had nice tits.

Two of 'em.

- Joe.

Look, I appreciate the advice.

Really, I do.

They're jewels,

pearls of wisdom.

But it's late--

make that early--

and I gotta go to work.

Some of us do work,

you know.

[ scoffs ]

Yeah, right, Len,

like you're going to work.

- Work, Joe,

you ever heard of it?

- Yeah.

It goes something like this--

yesterday was Sunday.

That makes today...

- Monday.

- That's very good.

Oh, man, it's 6:15

in the morning, Joe.

Gives me just

enough time to fly home

so I can fly to work,

push papers like

a frickin' zombie

trying to land

this stupid account.

That's right,

it's a stupid account.

What do you expect

me to do, Joe?

- Call in sick.

- I don't think so.

No, no, no.

- That may work for you.

It ain't gonna work for me.

- All the time.

Well, you can't

go in on no sleep.

Oh, come on, Len,

when's the last time

you called in sick?

- I don't know.

- Exactly.

See, you're way past due.

Joe, the office

ain't even open yet.

I know.

That's why you're gonna

call your boss at home.

I don't think--

I don't even like

talking to her at work.

Come on, you told me

her number spelled out

something like K-K-K-NAZI.

Don't do this to me.

Come on, put the--

Hello, Edith?

Please hold for

Lenny Kaminski.

Viral encephalitis, okay?

Makes you

sound like shit.

Hello?

Oh! God!

[ groaning ]

God.

Edith?

Yeah, it's me,

Lenny.

Listen, I'm sorry

to call you so-- I do?

Well, yeah,

I'm told I have...

- [ whispers ]

Viral encephalitis.

- ...viral encephalitis.

I-- I don't know.

I think I got it when

I was knitting.

- Fishing.

Yeah.

[ groans ]

Uh-huh.

Okay.

You, too.

Bye-bye.

- What'd she say?

- She gave me a bonus.

- She gave you a bonus?

- Yeah.

- You're buying breakfast.

- Okay.

- Hey, hey.

- Hey, what?

You just kneed me

in the balls.

- So?

- So?!

- It hurt.

- Hey, so does

viral encephalitis.

- You were great, man.

- Thank you.

Don't thank me, man.

Thank the Academy.

That was a brilliant

performance.

- Joe?

- Yeah?

- Blow me.

- Okay.

[ engine starts ]

[ tires squeal ]

[ doorbell dings ]

- Looks like a diner.

- Smells like a diner.

Okay, you

calm now, Pokey?

Yeah, I'm calm,

I'm calm.

I feel like a ballet

dancer, but I'm calm.

Don't call me Pokey.

I hate that name, Pokey.

- May I help you?

- Well, may you ever.

Oh, may I puke?

Will that be two?

- Two what?

- Two people.

Oh, yeah.

Unless you're joining us.

[ laughs ]

No.

- Follow me.

- Okay.

- All right.

Jesus.

Um, do you have--

do you have any more gum?

No, I'm-- I'm sorry,

this is my last piece.

Oh, okay.

That's all right.

I haven't seen you

here before, have I?

- No. Is this it?

- Yeah.

See, you couldn't have

because I woulda asked

you out on sight.

[ laughs ]

Stop.

Please.

I'll be right back

to take your order.

Okay, thank you.

God, I love

the way she walks.

What's with you?

She's 16.

I'm giving her practice

for when she gets older.

I mean, I love 'em

when they're that age.

She's got no pores.

She's got

no driver's license.

- Would you take it easy?

- I'm sorry.

I just feel like

I should be at work.

Well, I feel

like I should give you

viral encephalitis.

- Pair of coffees?

- Yeah, make his a decaf.

- Decaf for him.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

- It's not just

a good idea...

- It's the law.

- I think I'm in love.

- I think I'm in hell.

How did you know about

"It's the law"?

I don't know.

Well, look at him.

You give him regular coffee,

I'd have to get a spatula

to scrape him

off the ceiling.

He looks like

he's playing hooky

or something.

Yeah, I'm Joey.

You sure are.

I'm Angel.

Hi, Angel.

This is my friend Lenny.

He's-- he's not really

playing hooky, are you, Pokey?

No, no, see, I came down

with a case of viral syphilis

this morning

- so I called in sick.

- Oh, yeah? You look it.

- Pokey. [ laughs ]

- You like that?

What are you having?

I want six eggs,

scrambled, please.

Okay.

- How are your pancakes?

- Good.

- Okay, I'll have those.

- Okay.

- And, miss?

- Yeah?

- Don't call me Pokey.

- Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Sorry.

I got those.

Okay.

I like her.

These are the worst pancakes

I've ever had in my life.

Look at these eggs,

Lenny.

They're light,

they're fluffy,

they're like clouds.

Look at that.

- Jesus, Joe.

- What?

I coulda had perfection

with Rhonda.

Instead I had

to go screw it up worse

than these pancakes.

Don't worry about it, okay?

Your pancakes are fine.

And you ain't gonna look back

on Rhonda with any regret.

And if you start

to mention Cindy One again,

you're paying the tip.

Hey, hey, hey,

you are the one

who brought her up.

That's because I can.

You see, I'm over her.

Oh, I see.

Nothing scares you.

You have no fear

of rejection.

Look, Len, if you don't

think about getting scared,

there's nothing

to be scared about,

you know?

Hey, how you doing?

All right.

- You know, I mean,

if you're so worried...

- Joe.

- ...about how some woman

is gonna say, "No, Lenny"--

- Joe, Joe.

- What?

- You actually know

somebody out here?

Mm-hmm. Friend of yours

is sitting right over there.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's nice.

I needed a shower.

- Oh, God, oh, God.

- That was good.

- I think she saw me.

- You want me to ask her?

I'll call her over here.

- Hey, Rhonda!

- [ blowing raspberry ]

Now I'm at the circus

with the elephant.

- Shh.

- What are you--

[ both shushing ]

She definitely saw me.

I'm thinking she saw me.

Do you think she saw me?

I think

you're overreacting.

I mean, you should just relax,

go on over, say hello to her.

Look, now she's sitting

with her grandmother.

Kiss her on the cheek.

They love that.

I don't think I'll be

kissing her grandma, Joey.

I'm not wearing

my riot gear.

You're forgetting

everything I told you.

Now you be calm,

you play it straight, okay?

She won't even

believe it herself.

- Now go. Go.

- No. No.

You got about five seconds

before this blows up

in your face.

Five, four,

three, two, one.

- You're not gonna go?

- No.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

Okay, stay right here.

That's good.

These eggs, boy,

they're going right

through me, Len.

I gotta stretch

a little bit.

What are you gonna

do to me, Joey?

- Don't be embarrassed.

- Please, Joey, I'll give

you my car!

Hey, I think it is her.

Is your name Rhonda?

You can have my stereo,

I'll throw in my golf clubs.

You can have my VCR.

It doesn't record too well

on the slow speed,

but you're good with it,

so five minutes is all

it'll take.

- I'm pretty

sure it's her, Lenny.

- You can fix it!

Shh, here she comes.

Hi, do I know you?

No, I don't think so.

Uh, I think

you know my friend.

Hi.

- Father: Remember

this place, Ma?

- Grandmother: Uh-huh.

Hi.

I thought

that was you.

Yeah, it was me.

See?

What are you doing

here in Massapequa?

Don't you

have to work today?

Yeah, yeah, we were

just having breakfast.

Oh.

Why don't you join us?

Good, yes.

The food is good.

Why doesn't--

she should join us, Lenny.

You gonna introduce me?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Rhonda, this is my friend Joey.

- Joey, Rhonda.

- Hi, Joey.

- How are you?

Good to see you.

- Joey, nice to meet you.

Um, I'm here

with my parents.

Yeah, um, my grandmother's

in town.

She doesn't really

do too well in diners.

Why don't you have 'em

come over and sit with us?

- Lenny.

- Yeah, why not?

How you doin'?

The pancakes here

are top-notch.

Oh?

Well, um...

let me see if they mind

if I sit with you.

Okay.

- I'll be right back.

- All right.

How do you like that?

She doesn't suspect

a thing.

- You were right.

- I'm always right.

I mean, is this

phenomenal or what?

Now I can just--

no, I cannot.

- What?

- I cannot go through

with this.

- I mean, I'd be lying.

I got to tell her.

- You can't be serious.

I got to live

with myself, Joe.

And I got to

live with you.

I mean, this ain't

your frickin' wife we're

talking about here, okay?

This isn't the right time

for you to have

some kind of a crisis

of conscience, all right?

All I'm saying is she might

appreciate it, you know?

I mean, look how nice

she's acting now.

Sure, look

and cherish it, okay?

'Cause it ain't gonna last.

Just because it didn't last

for you doesn't mean it

won't last for me.

And, okay,

I got the tip.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, now, be cool.

You're doing great.

She's on her way back

already, look.

- Oh, I think you

got a problem.

- What's that?

Isn't that your boss

coming in right behind her?

I got it all covered.

What the hell?

Oh,

Pokey, Pokey, Pokey.

Hi.

So, I guess

that's a yes

on the breakfast?

- Sure.

- Good.

Edith: It's a good thing

he doesn't work for me,

I'll tell ya that.

Don't you

have to work today?

- No.

- Joe: Yeah.

- I have off.

- He's working late shift.

Into the late shift

and then I'm gonna go in.

Oh, I thought you work

for a consulting firm.

It's tax season.

No, it isn't.

Isn't it?

Corporate tax season.

- Corporate.

- Fiscal... quarter.

Quarterly.

Fiscal corporate.

Fiscal corporate tax.

Mm-hmm.

Four times a year.

- Oh.

- Sure.

[ sighs ]

- Are you okay?

- Sure, yeah.

Why, you good?

Why?

- I don't know, nothin'.

- All right.

- Lenny?

- Yeah?

Where were you

last night?

Rhonda, you know,

you're probably pretty

hungry, I bet.

Angel, honey, you wanna

help us out a little bit

over here?

Are you hungry?

You know what's

good here? Eggs.

- They're fluffy,

like, uh--

- Clouds.

- Clouds, yeah.

- Lenny.

- Yeah?

- Where were you

last night?

Why do you ask?

Because...

you know, everyone

thinks that I'm crazy.

Nobody thinks

that you're crazy.

We're crazy.

Thanks.

You're a nice guy.

But where were you

last night?

- I got to tell her.

- Lenny, Lenny.

Tell me what?

Joey, she oughta know.

I oughta know what?

Last night...

I was with you.

In his thoughts.

He was thinking

about you all night.

All the way down

in Setauket.

- What?

- Really?

- Joey.

- Lenny.

- Jesus.

- So why does everybody

think you're crazy?

Oh, I don't know.

I thought I...

oh, you know, now

I don't even believe it.

Oh, Rh-Rhonda,

don't cry.

- Don't cry.

- No, no, no.

Even Paul

doesn't believe me.

- Who's Paul?

- Yeah?

My cocker spaniel.

Both: Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Rhonda, don't--

don't-- shh,

don't cry, shh.

- [ whispers ]

Joey, give me a tissue.

- [ sobbing ]

- Here. Here you go.

- Okay.

Uh... here.

Thanks.

Shh-schmuck.

Rhonda:

Thanks.

Lenny:

Better?

Oh, hey.

Looks like you're not

the only one who called

in sick today.

- Who called in sick?

- I-- I did.

You did?

Oh.

Oh, wait,

but I thought that--

Angel, honey, could you

get our friend some coffee?

And maybe some tissues

would be nice.

Yeah, sure.

Whatever you want.

Joe: Okay.

Hey, Lenny,

how does your friend

take her coffee?

Lenny?

Oh, man, I hate

to do this to ya.

Do what?

No, not the--

[ groaning ]

- Lenny, are you okay?

- He's okay.

Come on, Pokey,

it's time for your pill.

- Pokey?

- Pill?

Yeah, Rhonda, honey,

you wanna help me out here?

- Yeah.

- Just squeeze his cheeks.

Pops them right open

like a frog, all right?

- Go ahead.

Come on, open it.

- No.

- There you go, there you go.

- Lenny, what are you

doing here?

- Ah.

- [ gags ]

- I told him to stay home.

- Help me.

You're his boss, right?

Edith?

We met once.

Joey Fortone.

[ Lenny gagging ]

Lenny, are you saying

that you actually tried

to make the meeting today?

Help me, help me,

help me.

- [ thuds ]

- [ groans ] You fuck.

Fuck.

- Fu--

- You mean someone

phoned you?

Someone sent you a fax?

- I think what Lenny means--

- Did I ask you?

- No.

- Then don't answer.

- Okay.

- What are you

saying, Lenny?

That you found out

where the meeting was

and you did all of this

after you were diagnosed

with viral hepatitis?

He didn't really

say that.

Excuse me,

he might as well have.

- You're right.

- Thank you.

Will you get up, please?

Thank you very much.

- [ groaning ]

- Lenny, look at me.

Did you put this meeting

before your own health?

- Yes.

- Oh, Lenny.

- Oh, Edith.

- You are a team player.

- I know.

- Wait a minute.

I thought that

you called in sick.

What is going on here?

You're right.

Angel, you're right.

I did call in sick.

I mean, look at this guy.

I couldn't leave this guy alone

- on a day like this.

- Don't-- [ groans ]

I stayed up with him

all last night.

He was delirious.

I don't know,

all he talked about

all night was you.

Me?

Come on, Lenny.

I gotta get you

outta here.

- Come on, come on.

- No, don't.

- Come on, come on.

- No. No.

- Here we go. Come on,

I gotta get you--

- No, no.

Come on.

Here you go.

- Come on, here we go.

- Oh, God.

Angel, how much

I owe you?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's on the house.

Here's my number.

Call me.

- Okay.

- Let me know

how he's doing.

Yeah, he'll call you,

he'll call you,

I'll call you.

- Okay.

- [ groans ]

- I can't believe you.

Shut up,

you're doing great.

I wanted to have kids,

you son of a bitch.

Thank you,

everybody.

[ groaning ]

♪ Cisco Kid

was a friend of mine... ♪

We made out okay.

Oh, we did?

I don't think I've been

this humiliated

since I threw up

on Tia Lockland

at our senior prom.

I didn't know

you drank that much.

- It was on a boat, Joe.

- Oh.

Hey, we got

free breakfast.

She had on a white dress.

I got Angel's

phone number.

It was her grandmother's.

- You got a bonus.

- Little pink flowers on it.

Rhonda digs you.

- Yeah, you think?

- Yeah, I think so, really.

Now, I'm not a psychiatrist,

but that shit with

the cocker spaniel, weird.

I'm telling you.

I mean...

Paul

is a cocker spaniel.

Paul is a cocker

spaniel, yes.

- Hey.

- Yeah?

What was that pill

that you gave me?

Well...

[ chuckles ]

- A marble?

- Yeah.

You gave me a marble?

You got a bonus.

To eat?

You eat this one.

Eat it.

Eat it!

[ birds chirping ]

Lenny:

Oh, I want to pass out,

I want to die.

Joe:

Yeah, well, do it

in your own apartment.

Oh, I forgot

I was on sacred ground.

I'll take my shoes off.

Thank you.

Hey, you straightened up.

Your maid come today?

Hey, not bad, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna

take a shower.

You can borrow

some of my clothes.

You got anything clean?

- What do you think?

- [ clangs ]

Ow.

[ groans ]

Oh, boy.

[ shower running ]

Yeah, Joe,

you're over her.

[ dialing ]

[ line rings ]

Rhonda's voice:

Hi, this is Rhonda.

Please leave a message.

Rhonda, hi.

- [ line beeps ]

- Rhonda, hi,

it's me, Lenny.

How you doin'?

I was-- I was just

thinking about you,

so I thought I'd call.

I hope that's okay.

Yeah, yeah,

so I thought I'd just use up

a little more tape

on your machine.

But what's new?

That much, huh?

Well, I must sound

like an idiot.

So what else is new?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, nothing real new

to report on this end either,

so I was just calling

to say hello

and hope we could

get together soon.

All right?

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Hopeless.

Hopeless?

Give me a friggin' break.

What?

What, you got the lamest

girl phone voice I ever heard.

No, that is a good

girl phone voice.

At least I don't

crank up the bass

like you do.

[ low voice ]

Hi, babe.

Michael Bolton

opened up the set,

but we'll be

back with some more

fabulous love songs

right after this.

[ normal voice ]

Was this another marble?

Take a nap.

We got a 12:00

tee-off time.

[ spits ]

Hi, Rhonda,

this is Lenny.

I was just thinkin'

about you and, you know,

I was-- I was jerkin' off.

Oh, gosh,

I hope that's okay.

[ golf club whooshes ]

Lenny:

This is the last hole.

We've been playing

for eight hours.

Joe:

Have you made a par yet?

Lenny:

No, that's 'cause

you're keeping score.

Hey, whatever happened

to Melinda Shore?

Oh, thank you

for reminding me.

Worst blind date

I ever had.

Go to pick her up

at her parents' house,

all these relatives

waiting there.

It's like

"Night of 1,000 Jews."

I'm trying to remember

prayers from my bar mitzvah

just so I can fit in

with these people,

so I could have

something to say,

and I'm thinking

to myself, "What the hell

am I doing here?"

When all of a sudden,

there she is at the top

of the staircase,

Scarlet O'Haraberg,

weighing in at a svelte

250.

Jesus.

It was a perfectly good

night of my life

I'll never have back again.

What about you?

- Don't do blind dates.

- Oh, yeah.

Shoulda known.

You did her,

though, right?

Oh, nope.

Nobody went

down by the shore.

She was a virgin.

[ sighs ]

Not after rush week.

- Hey.

- Hmm?

Remember that Paul Simon

concert in Central Park?

Yeah.

There was

500,000 people there.

A half a million people.

Do you remember what

I said to you that night?

I said,

"Joe, look at that crowd

because somewhere

in that crowd are our wives."

I remember that.

I still believe that.

What, did Rhonda

tell you she was there?

Cindy One was.

Well, so much

for your theory.

I don't know.

Maybe just wasn't

the right time.

Oh, you're dancing.

You're dancing.

I don't know

if you can hear

the music,

but you're dancing,

baby.

Let's go home.

That was

a wonderful day.

Yes, it was.

I'm proud of you.

You finally

played hooky.

- Wonderful dinner.

- Yeah.

- Was it as good

as the marble?

- Better.

Better.

You are

a wonderful date.

Thank you.

- Don't think you're

getting any off of me.

- No.

Let's get the hell

outta here.

No.

- No?

- Mm-mm.

Come on, it's 9:55.

It's Monday.

So?

So, ladies drink free

after 10:00.

[ music playing ]

Lenny, come on.

I got you a beer.

♪ Honey, honey,

me and you ♪

♪ And do the things...

Come here,

I got you a beer.

Is this great or what?

It's delightful.

Look, Joe, I don't want to

rain on your parade or nothin',

but I come to this place,

I'm looking at girls

who look like they

don't want to be here.

Girls who look like

they were dragged here

by their friend.

- Oh, yeah,

kinda like you.

- Kinda like me.

- So I take the dragger,

you take the draggee.

- Great.

Bartender:

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'll be right with you.

- Hi, hi.

- Hey, what's happening?

- How's it goin'?

- Me Tarzan.

He kinda gets like that

after he's had a tough day.

Have you had

a tough day?

- It's gettin' better.

- Ain't it?

- Yeah. I'm Joey.

- Woman: Hi.

Hi, this is my friend Lenny.

Say hi, Pokey.

Don't call me Pokey.

Hi, how are you?

- So, what's your name?

- Cindy.

- Cindy?

- Toaster time.

- What?

- Nothing.

- Oh.

- So, Cindy.

- Yeah?

- You here by yourself

or what?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Oh, well, I'm here

with my friend Tracy.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

So call her over.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

What, is she a pig?

No, she didn't want

to come here tonight.

She don't like

places like this.

- You're kidding.

- No.

- Why not?

- She thinks this place

is a meat market.

- Can you believe that?

- Yeah.

- I can't--

that's incredible.

- Go figure.

- It's like Ripley's.

- Yeah.

- So where is she?

Call her over.

Oh, she's

right over there.

All right.

- Yo, Tracy!

- Oh, Jesus.

- Get your ass over here.

- Very genteel.

Oh, she looks

like a librarian.

Hey, Tracy.

This is my friend Lenny.

Say hi.

So, look, we were

thinking about leaving.

- You wanna come along?

- Cindy Five: Sure,

where you going?

Yeah, where

are we goin', Joe?

We were gonna go over

to, uh, Lenny's place.

It's a lot quieter.

No, I don't think

that was part of

the itinerary.

- Joe.

- We always usually

go back to Lenny's place

after we hang out...

You usually

are full of crap, Joe.

- We're not-- Joe.

- Oh, I'll bet it is.

Jesus, Joe.

- So you wanna go?

- Yeah.

- Okay, let's go.

Come on, Pokey.

- Okay.

Don't call me--

♪ Get down, get down,

get down, get down... ♪

Oh, look, I'm sorry

about the mess.

Mm, nice place.

Thanks.

- Len, you got any beer?

- Yeah, help yourself.

So, Lenny's got a water bed.

You wanna see it?

- Yeah, I do.

- All right, come on.

- All right.

- Right in here.

- Joe, Joe,

don't go in there.

- Ooh.

- Okay, sure.

- Just stick and move, okay?

Well, looks like we got

about 15 minutes to kill.

That's--

that's my buddy Joe.

He's quite a guy, huh?

[ quietly ]

Yeah.

Cindy seems like

a nice girl.

She is.

You guys been friends

for a long time?

Yeah.

You want something to eat?

No, no.

You sure?

It's not a problem.

[ sighs ]

Two of you

hang out a lot?

You're kinda quiet,

you know that?

You want to sit down?

- Yeah, okay.

- Make yourself at home?

All right.

[ jazz playing on stereo ]

[ tapping ]

Uh, it's music.

[ snaps fingers ]

Magazine?

[ sighs ]

Cindy said you

didn't want to go out

to a bar tonight.

No.

No, I didn't.

So what did you

want to do tonight?

I just thought

I'd like to stay home...

and fuck.

You heard me.

- [ knocks ]

- Joe, you wanna

hurry up in there?

Listen, is this music okay?

'Cause I have a lot

of other things--

What are you doing?

Listen, come over here

for a second.

I want to talk to you.

Shh, shh, I'm sorry.

Come here.

Ahem.

I think you're cute.

I'm glad for you.

And you never said

you were a weight lifter.

A weight lif-- oh, this--

this is not even my shirt.

- Yeah?

- I borrowed it from Joe.

Yeah, well, you don't

have to be so modest.

Let me get you

something to drink, okay?

I want to get me

something--

Don't go anywhere.

I'd miss you.

[ glass shatters ]

Wait a minute,

wait a minute.

I think Joey's coming.

[ Cindy laughs ]

Not yet.

Who are you?

Look, do you think

we could just have some

meaningless conversation

first?

Oh, Jesus.

You're gonna kill me.

Yeah, but they're gonna

bury you with a smile.

[ tapping ]

Wait a minute.

What is this?

- What?

- [ taps ]

[ laughs ]

Is this a cup?

You're wearing a cup?

No, it's--

okay, it's a cup.

- I don't believe this.

- I was playing hockey today.

I gotta see this.

Kinky.

[ groans ]

[ gasping ]

Okay, all right.

Roadkill.

- [ Tracy moaning ]

- Oh, God.

All right, burnt toast,

dead car batteries,

roadkill,

Mattingly's on first,

Kelly's on--

oh.

♪ Oh, say, can you see?

♪ By the dawn's

early light... ♪

What, you going

off the air?

♪ What so proudly

we hail... ♪

I'm just trying

to keep control.

Oh, you're

doing that Tao thing?

I read about that.

- ♪ At the twilight's

last gleaming... ♪

- [ phone ringing ]

- [ moaning ]

- ♪ Whose broad stripes

and bright stars... ♪

Lenny's voice:

Hey, this is Lenny.

I'm sorry I can't

come to the phone right now,

but I tell you what,

if you leave a message,

I'll call you back.

I promise.

[ line beeps ]

Rhonda's voice:

Hey, Lenny, you home?

- Are you there?

- Get off me.

- Pick up, it's me, Rhonda.

- Get off me.

- Party's over,

sweetheart.

- Oh!

Rhonda:

Nope? Um, okay, well,

I hope you're okay.

I know you're sick.

So you should be home.

- Um, well, I tried

calling you earlier...

- I'm here.

...but I kept

getting your machine,

and generally I hate

talking

to answering machines,

but I don't know when

you're gonna get home.

Get off me, honey.

Rhonda:

Okay, just give me a call.

[ groans ]

Rhonda!

Rhonda,

are you still there?

Rhonda on phone:

Lenny, is that you?

Hi.

Did you-- did you really

try calling me?

Yeah, Lenny,

I got your message.

- It was sweet.

- Who the hell is Rhonda?

- Who's that?

- Nobody. It's nobody.

- Who is this?

- This is Rhonda,

who's this?

Are you doing Lenny?

Huh?

Huh? Hello?

She hung up.

Really?

Great.

[ dialing ]

[ busy signal ]

Great.

Thank you.

Thank me?

What did I do?

What did you do?

I don't know.

You come here and invade

the sanctity of my home.

You act like

some sweet librarian,

you say maybe two words

to me all night,

you attack me without

any provocation whatsoever,

and just when

I get a phone call

from the one person

who has deemed

never to call me

in this century,

you leap out of your way

and screw it up beyond any

hope of reparation.

That's what.

Don't mess up my house.

- What happened?

- Did I hear singing?

Cin, you look like

a yogurt, okay?

Where's Lenny?

I don't know.

Some girl called.

Rhonda.

Bitch.

Two-timer.

[ laughing ]

Hey.

[ engine sputtering ]

I don't believe this.

[ engine dies ]

[ honks horn ]

I need this...

like a goddamn

hole in my head!

I need this a lot.

Shit.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

Thank you.

Hope you crash and die.

Look at this

Loch Ness Monster.

- What?

- It's scary.

- He's ugly.

- Put out the cigarettes,

please?

I love this large curd.

- Yeah? Let me have a bite.

- Mm-mm. All right.

You ever see Paul Simon

in concert?

Both: What?

Never mind.

Gimme it.

I like

the small curd better.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I was, um--

I was hoping you could

take me to Massapequa.

- Massapequa?

- Yeah.

[ laughs ]

Lot of violence

in Massapequa.

Violence?

I, um-- I thought Massapequa

was kind of a safe town.

Not for hitchhikers.

You know, I don't--

I don't really need

to go to Massapequa.

- Actually--

- You haven't been

following the news,

have you, son?

News?

Yeah, people are saying

there's some kind of psycho

driving the highways

around here just looking

for hitchhikers...

to take down

and do 'em.

You know.

[ chuckles ]

Do 'em?

I once saw a young kid

about your age,

had his whole damn trachea

cut out with a fishing knife.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, God, what

a mess that was.

You ever gut a deer?

No, I don't

suppose you have.

You look like

a city boy to me.

I tell ya, that thing

was hanging down the front

of his shirt there

and it's all bloody

and everything,

looked just like

a piece of ziti.

Piece of ziti?

Yeah, you know.

Baked ziti.

Now, look,

you redneck,

shit-stomping

son of a bitch,

you don't scare me!

- Rude little

bastard, aren't ya?

- I've been walking this highway

for four and a half hours.

I have been kicked

in my groin

at least a half a dozen

different times.

I think the girl of my dreams

has been French-kissing a dog

and I ate a marble!

Now please pull

your piece-of-shit car

over to the side

of the road

before I rip out

your trachea

and we get to see what

kind of food it looks like!

Didn't your mother teach you

not to talk to strangers?

I didn't have a mother!

You have yourself--

oh, my God.

[ panting ]

Oh, my God.

- See you later.

- Thank you.

[ exhales sharply ]

[ dog barking ]

- [ tapping on window ]

- Rhonda?

[ quietly ]

Rhonda?

Rhonda, it's Lenny.

I wanted to say

that I'm sorry about

what happened tonight.

- You came back.

- Yeah, I had to apologize.

- [ gasps ] Oh, my God.

- Maxwell. Oh, Maxwell.

- [ kisses ]

- I got the wrong room,

lady, I'm sorry.

- They said you were gone.

- I'm sorry, don't have

a heart attack.

They said you were gone.

They said you were never

coming back.

Don't have a heart--

I'm not back.

Oh, please, please,

tell me everything.

- I've waited so long.

- Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, oh, shh, I see.

- It's a secret.

- Yeah.

How did you escape?

How did I escape?

How did you get out

of Iwo Jima?

- Iwo Jima?

- Tell me everything, please.

- Oh, I've waited so long.

- Please, please-- shh.

- How did you escape?

- Shh, shh, shh, please.

It was horrible.

I was surrounded

by the enemy,

and then luckily

I found this window

- and real carefully, I--

- [ cocks shotgun ]

- Oh, oh, oh!

- It's the enemy.

Hide me.

Oh, oh, here, here.

Hide in here.

- Hurry.

- Father: Mom?

Did I hear voices?

- [ whines, sniffing ]

- No.

Damn, what's happened

to this neighborhood?

Used to mean something--

Massapequa.

- Clean streets,

good schools...

- [ window shuts ]

- Damn good football team.

- [ whispers ] Go away.

Are you talking

in your sleep again?

No.

So, who were you

talking to?

Was it Willard Scott?

Or maybe the bumble queen.

It's Maxwell.

He's come back.

How is Dad?

- He's fine.

- Yeah.

- I'm hiding him

from the enemy.

- No.

I see.

[ sniffing, whining ]

Oh! Oh!

And is the enemy

nearby?

Uh-huh.

Would you like me

to kill 'em for ya, Ma?

- [ gasps ]

- [ imitates gasp ]

You all right?

Grandmother:

I'm fine, Lester.

Oh.

[ whimpering ]

Get off of me.

You better get some sleep.

I need some, too.

Wait a minute.

What?

Ma.

Come on, Paulie.

You're not gonna sleep

with Grandma tonight.

Can't I keep the dog?

Ma, he'll keep

you awake all night.

- Now go to sleep.

- All right.

- Good night.

- Nighty-night.

[ door closes ]

Are you okay?

I think I'm gonna

have puppies.

Man on radio:

Morning from Long Island's

best rock, WBAB...

Get up.

Man on radio:

Long Island's own Zebra

and Zeppelin, too.

Your BAB...

I said get up.

Rise and shine.

Oh, and good morning

to you, too.

Morning, my ass.

What the hell

is wrong with you?

What-- where'd

you go last night?

I tried to see Rhonda.

- You did?

- Yeah.

- What'd she say?

- I don't know.

But I finally met Paul.

You wanna smell him?

No, no, that's great.

Hey, you want a bagel?

I don't want a bagel.

No, I got bagels for you.

Now, look,

I'm impressed.

You mean, you tried to go

see Rhonda last night

even after I set you up

with that librarian?

You know?

Lenny, you ain't never done

anything like that before, man.

So, uh, why'd you come

here to look for me instead

of going to your place?

You were with a girl

last night.

Why would you ever stay?

Ooh, that hurt.

[ knock on door ]

Come on in, it's open!

Cindy, how you doin'?

This is--

this is my buddy Lenny.

- Lenny, Cindy.

- Hello.

- You want a bagel?

- Where were you last night?

I was working late, why?

Because you said

you'd call.

No, I said I'd call,

you know, if I wasn't

working late.

Cindy Four:

That's not what you said.

You said you'd call me,

so I sat home all night

waiting for you to call

and you didn't call.

That's because

I was workin'.

That's not what

Liz Campanella says.

She said she saw you out

with some girl last night.

Cindy, don't pay any

attention to what Liz

Campanella says, all right?

Cindy Four:

Well, I'm paying

attention, Joey.

I'm paying

lots of attention.

I care about you.

I just want

to make you happy.

You did.

I am not...

some cheap toy

for you to play

with, Joey.

Don't you care about me?

Can we talk about

this later, please?

No, I want to

talk about it now.

Cindy...

look, we spent

some time together,

all right?

I mean, we saw the stars,

the moon, the fireworks.

And now the sun's come up

and it's another day.

So just relax,

all right?

You're such an asshole.

I gotta get to work.

What, you don't want--

you don't want your bagel?

[ cartoons playing

on television ]

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

Sorry, I used

all the hot water.

Man:

Hey, Len, I thought

you were sick.

Huh?

Hey, Lenny.

Welcome back, man.

Thank you.

- Missed you.

- Thanks.

Welcome back.

Thanks, I'm feeling...

a lot better.

[ chuckles ]

- [ intercom beeps ]

- Edith: Lenny, you in there?

Yes, Edith.

I just wrapped up

with the new client's rep.

I'm gonna send her in to you

to sign the papers.

All right.

And congratulations.

We got the deal.

- Thanks.

- [ intercom beeps ]

Lenny?

- Cindy One.

- Huh?

Cindy, one... person

I never expected

to see here.

How are you?

Come in.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah,

yeah, I'm fine.

I just...

wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

- How long has it--

- It's been a long time.

Look at you.

You look... great.

I've been working, Lenny.

Does he know

you're in town?

No.

- How long you here for?

- Till tomorrow.

I just came in

to take care of this.

- Tomorrow.

- 2:00 plane.

That's too bad.

That-- that barely gives

you any time to catch up.

It's been a long time.

I-- I don't even know

if I want to catch up.

What are you doing

later tonight?

No, no, hear me out.

How about we all

get together,

we'll go to the Hilite

for a coffee?

- I don't know.

- It'll be fun.

- I'll pay.

- [ laughs ]

- [ doorbell rings ]

- [ dog barking ]

Lenny.

Hi.

I thought

you were sick.

I thought I was, too,

but I'm better now.

[ dog growling, barking ]

I got to ask you

a question.

Yeah.

What happened last night

when I called you?

Oh, that was some girl

that Joe goes out with.

Uh-huh.

You know, a lot of people

have worthwhile causes--

save the seals,

save the rain forest.

Joe likes to

save the nymphos.

So when I called,

that girl was with Joey.

Yeah, yeah, I tried

calling you back,

but your line

was all busy.

Well, I was trying

to call you.

- You see?

- But when I got through,

you weren't there.

Well, yeah,

I was trying

to come here.

Why?

I wanted to see you.

- You did?

- Yeah.

Hey, what are you

doing tonight?

What do you

got in mind?

I'm trying to fix Joe up

with this really great girl.

- Like a blind date?

- You could call it that.

[ phone ringing ]

- Hello?

- Lenny: Hey.

- Hey.

- What are you doing?

I'm, uh,

fixing the sink.

Didn't you

have to work today?

Half day.

You know, I--

my beeper's broken.

I gotta get a new one.

So what's up?

- I need your help.

- What's the problem?

Well, um, I'm getting together

with Rhonda tonight.

Oh, get out.

Yeah?

Well, what do you--

what do you need

my help for?

I'm a little nervous,

you know?

I was just thinking

maybe if you drop by

just at the beginning,

sorta smooth things out

for me, huh?

Okay, all right,

where you meeting her?

- Where do you think?

- [ laughs ]

- 8:00?

- Sounds good.

[ lawn mower whirring ]

He ain't gettin' any.

[ music playing

on loudspeakers ]

You know, these two

friends of mine,

they met on a blind date

just like this.

Well, this is

a little different.

Well, the fundamentals

are the same

if they're counterparts

to each other.

Like, if he's

a Sagittarius

and she's a Pisces,

they're just

gonna line up.

So you're into

astrology as well?

Yeah, astronomy,

astrology.

They're really

the same thing.

Really?

Yeah, one guides the world,

the other guides what's in it.

You weren't at that

Paul Simon concert

in Central Park

a couple years back,

were you?

No. No, I hate

Paul Simon.

Oh.

- Hey, Len.

- Hey, Joey.

You remember Rhonda.

- Hi, how you doin'?

Good to see you.

- Hey.

- You got a second?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, come here.

- Excuse me.

Hey, look,

I know you wanted me

to drop by for a few,

but I didn't want to be

a third wheel, you know?

Aw, come on,

don't be stupid.

And seeing as how I just

played kiss-and-make-up

with Cindy Four--

- What?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess none

of that woulda happened

if you wouldn't

have been there when

she went off, you know?

Kinda made me feel

like a real ass, you know?

Yeah.

So, look,

she's on her way down.

You mind if she joins us?

- Here?

- Yeah, she's on her way

down here.

- Now?

- Yeah, do you mind?

I don't mind.

It's great.

All right.

You okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay, great.

- All right, come on.

- Good.

So, how's everything

going with you two?

You hitting it off

all right?

Yeah, it's going okay.

We were just talking

about the planets.

Wow.

- Planets.

- Yeah.

[ sighs ]

So how's everything going

with your latest cause?

Good, good.

What cause?

Oh, you know,

all your women.

- Saving

the nymphomaniacs.

- Lenny?

Rhonda, I don't think

Joey wants to get into

that right now.

No, I think Joey

does want to get

into that right now.

But you got more

things on your mind

right now, right?

Hey, you know,

I don't think

he looks nervous.

No, you don't

look nervous.

No, I don't.

Why would I?

Why would he

look nervous?

You mean he doesn't know

about the blind date?

- What blind date?

- He knows now.

What the hell's

going on?

Hello.

Cindy?

He knows her?

Cindy.

Hi, Joey.

Hi.

Sit down.

So...

- So...

- So, this is it, huh?

This is the help

you needed with Rhonda?

What help?

It's been

real nice, okay?

- But I gotta go.

- Joey?

Cindy.

- Is she the blind date?

- Lenny: Shh.

What are you doing?

You enjoy hurting me?

Cindy, I didn't

do anything, all right?

'Cause I caught you

before you could.

- It's not what you think.

- I know what I think,

all right?

And you telling me

not to listen to rumors.

Well, I don't have

to 'cause I can see

for myself.

So, did he tell you

you were special, too?

All right,

that's enough.

Don't blame her

and don't blame me

for shit I didn't do, okay?

If you want

to blame anybody,

you blame him.

- What?

- Asshole.

Yeah, that's right,

Lenny.

All I ever do is cover

your ass for you, you know?

And then you trick me

into coming down here, man.

Why couldn't you

just tell me the truth?

- Tell youthe truth?

- Yeah.

Because, Joe,

you wouldn't recognize

the truth

if it bit you

on your ass,

Mr. My-beeper's-broken-

I-better-get-a-new-one.

Mr. Let's-sneak-into-

Rhonda's-bedroom-in-

the-middle-of-the-night.

- Huh?

- Yeah, that was us.

Mr. Feel-sorry-for-Lenny-

his-brother-just-died.

I didn't know

you had a brother.

I don't.

So this is how

you repay me, huh?

You wanna punish me?

Lenny:

You think I'm doing

this to you?

You schmuck,

I was doing this foryou.

I figured maybe,

just maybe, you might

be so sick and tired

of screwing around

every night, you might

want to fall in love.

Do you remember

Cindy One?

She wasn't Cindy One

until you spent

the last four years

of your life trying

to replace her.

Know something, man?

Fuck you.

[ sighs ]

Yeah.

Who was

the blind date?

[ chatting ]

Mm, Mr. Businessman,

uh-oh.

Nice mess.

What'd you have to carry?

What-- what kind--

okay, that's heavy.

- You should know, you're--

- Cindy, look, I was

just thinking...

- [ dial tone ]

- Shit, shit.

Yeah.

No, I just--

I mean, use a balsa

or something like that,

you know,

'cause you gotta be careful

with that kind of thing

'cause that could hurt you

for, you know, future

stuff like that.

- [ line ringing ]

- Cindy. Cindy, it's Joey.

This is a-- this is

a good girl phone voice.

What is this?

- [ busy signal ]

- Say hello-- damn it.

Damn it, hello?

Jesus, you know what?

You gotta put some

antiseptic on that.

That gets infected,

you know--

what kind of cut is it?

- Uh, excuse me.

- Yeah? Your crown

of thorns, hmm?

- Excuse me?

- You tried the walking

on water thing?

- Excuse me.

- I-- I'm on the phone.

- Woman's voice on phone:

...hang up and dial again.

- Yeah, I see that.

This phone is broken

and I need to make

an important phone call.

- How many loaves?

Gee, that's a lot of bread.

- On that phone.

Jeez, whoa, okay,

wait a minute.

Now, hold on.

Hold on there.

You don't have to--

don't crucify yourself

over this, all right?

Everyone's gonna see

that you're right.

You know,

you'll die for this, man.

- Hello?

- [ sobbing ]

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's--

sure, he's right here.

He's right next to me.

Hey, hey.

It's-- it's Judas.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

Hey, hey, Judas.

How you doin' there,

you old traitor, you?

[ laughs ]

Hey, talk

to the Almighty.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

Okay, all right.

I'll do that.

Woman:

I'm sorry, he's out to lunch.

Can I take a message?

- Edith on intercom: Lenny?

- Yes, Edith?

Uh, could you come

into my office?

And bring the Cindy Hanson

contract with you.

Okey-dokey.

And how about

a pepperoni pizza

with that, Edith?

Oh, please say

I got it signed.

Oh, my God.

I don't-- I don't

believe this.

I do not believe this.

Excuse me, hey.

Do you have a quarter?

I need a quarter.

Okay, all right.

Jesus Christ.

Where have you been?

I-- when I--

hey.

- [ line rings ]

- Woman on phone: Hello?

Hello, hello,

may I speak to Cindy One...

minute, please?

Can you hold on?

I'm on the other line.

Yes, sure.

Cindy, you know,

I was-- I was thinking,

you know, it's my fault,

the other night,

and I didn't mean

to blow up at you.

You know, what I

thought was right

wasn't right.

Does that sound right?

I don't know, I'm sorry?

- Woman on phone: Hello?

- Hello, hello,

may I speak

to Cindy, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.

She just left

for the airport.

What-- what do you mean,

she went to the airport?

She had a 2:00 flight.

Hey, you can't

park there.

Yeah, right.

Hey! You Deaf?

All right.

Cindy, hold up.

Ah, the matchmaker.

So, I see you're here

with Chuck Woolery.

Hey, we were

just taking care

of some business.

Cindy,

I need to talk to you,

just for a minute.

She's gonna miss her flight.

Will you please let her

sign this?

No, Lenny,

this can't wait.

She's heard it before.

I don't think she wants

any more bullshit.

That's the point.

No more bullshit.

Why do you think

I raced down here

today, huh?

I wanted to say

I'm sorry.

Ma'am, we really do

need to close the gate.

Oh.

Goodbye, Joey.

See ya.

[ scoffs ]

Man on intercom:

Attention, please, American

passenger Jonathan Komack.

Please meet

Miss Monaghan--

Hey!

Driver:

Get out of the way!

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on,

you can't do this.

All right, hey,

put it down, put it down.

What's the matter,

afraid I'll mar the finish?

Oh, oh, okay, I see.

Like make my day,

right, Ponch?

Pardon me, pal?

Look, I was just

in there for a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I didn't see

the "just a minute"

exemption on the

parking sign.

Hey, hey, put--

put it down,

put it down.

- Just put it down.

- Oh, now I'm nobody?

- Yeah, you look

like nobody, Carmine.

- Get the f--

Hey, come here, come here.

You look like a smart guy.

Look at this, look at this.

There's 20, there's 30, 32.

Bingo, and two marbles.

- Wow, $32 and two marbles.

- Keep it.

That's a lot

of money, man.

Come here.

Is this what

you call a bribe?

- No, it is not a bribe.

- Are you trying to bribe me?

I am not bribing him!

Oh, good, here we go.

Mr. Insult-to-injury

Lenny Kaminski.

- You walking home?

- No, he was just

putting it down.

Oh, yeah, we figured

we'd simonize it, too.

What is that?

I said I was sorry.

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, he did.

Yes! I did.

He actually apologized

to a girl that he hasn't

spoken to in two years,

but me, his best friend,

a guy he sees every day?

He treats me like shit.

Yeah, well,

what goes around

comes around.

Oh, well,

that's real good.

Well, I'm rubber,

you're glue.

Whatever you say

bounces off me

and sticks to you.

Well, maybe, you know,

I don't wanna talk to you.

Oh, yeah, maybe you

just want to run away, huh?

- He sure can't drive.

- [ both laugh ]

- Hey, sir?

- Mm-hmm?

Shut up!

Hey, look, maybe I shouldn't

have said what I said,

maybe I shouldn't

have done what I did.

I shouldn't have surprised

you at the Hilite.

But would you

have come here?

Would you have

had the courage

to talk to her?

Would you have been able

to say you're sorry?

That's what I thought.

And you're welcome.

Hey, do your job.

Get this piece

of shit outta here.

Hey, don't hit that.

Oh, you mean

hit this right here?

- Don't hit the--

- Oh, you mean this?

- Get it outta here!

- Do not hit this!

[ laughs ]

I think your car's

got viral encephalitis, Joe.

He chipped the paint!

You know, that planetarium

show starts in 10 minutes.

I don't think

we'd ever make it.

Yeah.

We've already seen

that show anyway.

So you gonna go

see Joey,

patch things up?

I think I should.

You wouldn't mind,

would you?

No, I understand.

I'm glad.

Look, Lenny,

life is a highway,

not a destination.

We all move

in different directions.

Yeah, I guess we do.

Even if you do

like Paul Simon.

I can't believe

you don't like

Paul Simon.

- I'll see you around.

- Yeah.

- Hey, Lenny.

- Yeah?

You weren't really

in my room that night,

were you?

Of course not.

♪ There's a blank spot

in my heart ♪

♪ It shines,

but never glows... ♪

Hi.

Hey.

You, uh,

here alone?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess

you could say that.

Buy you a drink?

Oh, you-- you want

to buy me a drink?

Yeah, Bacardi and lime.

They're twofers.

[ chuckles ]

No, thank you.

♪ Words come falling down

♪ To the lonely ground

♪ Words falling down

♪ Words...

Hey, Joe.

Pair of coffees?

What?

♪ To the lonely noun...

He's a decaf.

No, make mine

a regular.

Okay.

♪ Come falling

♪ Down.

- What'd I do?

- You quit chasing her.

You know, I might

never see her again.

If you want,

I could call Paul Simon,

have him whip up

a little concert for us

in Central Park.

Yeah, I'll call

Chuck Woolery.

They can do a duet.

- You know something, Joe?

- Hmm?

We must be

a couple of homos.

We just let two

of the most beautiful

women in the world

slip right

out of our lives.

- Yeah.

- [ women laughing ]

- Hey.

- Hmm?

2:00.

I'll take the dragger,

you take the draggee.

I don't know.

You think you

got a shot?

You think

you're up for it?

Don't say anything

that's gonna sound

like a lie.

No, no, no.

I'm just gonna say hi.

- Hi?

- That's right-- H-I, hi.

Hey, how long you figure

we're gonna keep doing this?

Till you get married.

Oh, no, no.

You're going first.

I ain't goin' first.

You are.

♪ Oh, may tell you to run

♪ On my way,

on my way ♪

♪ You know what they say

about the young... ♪

[ indistinct chatter

continues ]

♪ Well, pick me up

with golden hand ♪

♪ Oh, may say you,

oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Know what they say

about the young ♪

♪ Well, I would like

to hold my little hand ♪

♪ How will we run,

we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl,

we will ♪

♪ I would like to hold

my little hand ♪

♪How we will run,

we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl

♪Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, oh, yeah

♪ I would like

to reach out my hand ♪

♪ Oh, may say you,

oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way, on my way

♪ You know what they say

about the young ♪

♪ Now pick me up

with golden hand ♪

♪ Oh, may see you,

oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way,

on my way ♪

♪ You know what they say

about the young ♪

♪ Well, I would like

to hold my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,

how we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl,

we will ♪

♪ I would like to hold

my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,

we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,

on my way ♪

♪ Mm-mm, on my way

♪ Oh-ho

♪ I would like to hold

my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,

we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl,

we will ♪

♪ I would like to hold

my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,

we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl

♪ Send me on my way

♪ Send me

on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way

♪ On my way

♪ Send me on my way

♪ Send me

on my way ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Oh-oh, way

♪ Oh, way, oh

♪ Oh, way

♪ I would like

to reach out my hand ♪

♪ Oh, may say you,

oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way,

on my way ♪

♪ You know what they say

about the young. ♪

[ music playing ]

Two Guys Talkin' About Girls (1996) - full transcript