Twice Round the Daffodils (1962) - full transcript

[dramatic music]

[suspenseful music plays]

[sombre music]

[train squeaks softly]

I don't need any help. I'm not ill.

I don't need any help. I'm not ill.

[door closes]

[birds singing in the background]

Hello.

[man] …that's what I call--

[hushes the patient]
You're being moved Mr. Halfpenny



because you were all alone
in the ward next door.

What are you doing out of bed?
This is your rest hour.

He's alone in here, why couldn't
he have been moved into me.

Uh, four new ones coming in here.

Why couldn't they have
been moved, with you, to me?

Why is it I have to move?

You ask Matron, not me.

I will. Don't think that I won't.

Ridiculous, stupid inefficiency.
Red tape. Shocking!

Absolute disgrace. I'll tell her.
Don't think I'm afraid of her.

I'm not afraid of that
refrigerated old ice cube.

-Nurse Catty.
-Yes, Matron.

Your hat's not straight.

[Catty] Oh, no, Matron.



-[matron] At least the ward is.
-[Catty] Yes, Matron.

Are you quite comfortable, Mr. Halfpenny?

-Yes, thank you Matron.
-You'll have plenty of company.

-New patients.
-Nice.

-Well, that's telling her.
-Oh, she took me by surprise.

Red-letter day for both of you.

I don't suppose you play chess?

-You suppose right.
-I might've known.

Cheer up, Mr. Halfpenny.

Cheer up, she says. Riddled with
microbes and she says, "Cheer up."

I sometimes think the main
qualification for being a nurse

is to be completely
out of touch with reality.

Mad they all are. Mad beyond redemption.

The lumpiest bed in Lenton. Of course.

Just my luck! [laughs]

Here, read these.
They tell me you get more letters

than anyone else in the sanatorium.

They tell you correctly.

-Lots of friends, hmm?
-One sister.

She's responsible, all by herself

for the Post Office
making a fantastic profit.

Now, now. That's not
very appreciative of you.

Oh, I appreciate Harriet all right.
I think she's marvellous.

Never before was so much
written about so little in such detail.

-[thump]
-You're just in a mood.

Certainly I'm in a mood, why was
I moved from next door into here?

Ridiculous. Medical logistics run riot.

After a year next door,
I was just getting settled in.

What's this bed made of, nails?

Made for a fakir, is what it was.

And a pretty stupid
fakir to put up with it, too.

Talking about pointless moves, Bob White,
what were you doing out of bed?

I was getting a look at the new customers.

I wonder if any of them play chess.

-Mr. Richards?
-Uh, yes.

-Mr. George?
-Yes, Nurse.

-Mr. Walker?
-Yes, Nurse.

Mr. Rhodes. Get into your beds please.

Hey, err, Miss.

I'm only here for observation,
I'm not ill.

A bit of a cough
isn't tuberculosis, is it?

I hope not, Mr. Rhodes.
Get into bed, please.

No, I'm not ill.

The only time I've been in bed
in the daytime is when

I've been on the night shift in the pits.

I've never had a day's illness in my life.

But I shall very likely catch something
being stuck away in a place like this.

I shouldn't be here at all, and why
did they take my fishing tackle away?

Because this isn't a holiday resort,
this is Lenton Sanatorium

for the treatment of T.B.

-Ah well, I'm not here for treatment.
-[drops bags]

I want to see the boss.

Given a little time Mr. Rhodes,
I can probably arrange for you to see

the Minister of Health.
But only if you get into bed.

[tense music]

If any of you want anything,
ring the bell once.

In an emergency ring three times.

Don't we ever ring twice?

Only for bladder or bowels.

Shall I help you undress?

No, it's all right, thanks.

You must be tired.

No.

You know best.

I shouldn't have thought
he had anything to hide.

-That's enough, thank you Mr. Rhodes.
-[Bob] Catty.

Kid's in for an op, isn't he?

How did you know?

I should, after six months in this place.

[Catty] Whoops!

Sorry.

[enchanted slow music]

Well, thank God
I'm only here for observation.

No need to make a career of it.

[John] Hey.

What's your name again?

Chris Walker.

And are you courting, love?

Please leave me alone… I'm tired.

I wish to God I was.

Mm… So do we all.

Well now, the vital question.
Anyone here play chess?

[slow instrumental music plays]

[coughs]

What the 'ell is he up to?

[Bob] Twice round the daffodils.

[John] What daffodils?

Lucky beggar.

That's practically the last stage.

And you're in the last stages
of softening of the brain.

There aren't any daffodils,
what are you talking about?

-There will be.
-Will be, what?

Daffodils…

in the spring.

I wonder if I will be allowed
twice round them, or even once

by the spring.

[exhales]

What an ambition.
Thank God I'm only here for--

-Observation. I know.
-Well, so I am.

I'm not sick.

I know it, I feel it.

I shall be out of here within a fortnight.

[Bob] I hope you're right.

I don't like the way you said that.

What do you like?

Nothing in this bloody place!

No smoking, except at certain times.

No food allowed from outside,
no visiting by my kid.

-No talking except at certain hours.
-They are trying to cure us.

You maybe, not me.

I'm not here for treatment,
only for observation.

So observed eighty-eight
times a day since you've been here.

Are you looking for a punch up?

Alright John, take it easy. Take it easy!

[John coughs]

You shouldn't get
excited if you've got T.B.

I haven't got T.B.!

[coughs]

[whispers] Oh, damn it.

[coughs]

Oh, damn it!

Damn it!

[jet engines roar]

[roaring passes then returns]

Uh…

Can I help?

No thank you, go back to the ward please.

Well, I want to talk to you.

-Make it quick, then.
-Right.

-Don't.
-Why not?

[Catty exhales]

It's bad for you.

I'll drink an extra pint of milk.

You mustn't get excited,
the condition you're in.

Well, I'm glad to say I'm extremely
familiar with the condition I'm in.

Ow, wait. I mean…
When a man's got what you've got…

-Mhmm.
-No, no…

No, what I mean is, this illness…

-It increases your…
-Yes.

No. It makes you feel more…
Oh blast! Makes you feel sexy.

I'm not complaining.

[steps in the hallway]

[soft, sombre music]

[sombre music continues]

[sombre music continues]

Get into bed, Mr. Rhodes.

[soft music fades]

Depressing, isn't?

Not at all.

Catty says he's all right.

They always say that.

Stop putting the wind up yourself,
I've seen scores of cases like that

and they've all recovered.

Well exactly, young Chris Walker
will pull though all right.

He'll be up and about in no time,
and learning to be a chef.

Learning to be a chef?

A cook-like?

A cook-like.

Ah. That's no occupation for a man.

Some of the world's finest cooks are men.

Ah, I'd like to see him swing a pick.

The extent of a man's usefulness
in the this world is not judged

exclusively by way he swings
or otherwise manipulates a pick.

[John] Swallowed a dictionary, have you?

In a manner of speaking, yes.
I work for an encyclopaedia company.

Erm…

What have they done to him then?

Oh, he's had a bronchoscopy.

Has he?

Serious, is that?

No, quite minor.

You know that bathyscope thing they drop
into the sea to look around the ocean bed?

Well, it's like that. It's a metal tube

with lights and lenses they put down
your throat to look around your lungs.

Down your throat?

Yeah, I've had it.

Well, did it…

I mean…

What's it like, then?

Oh, it's not very pleasant.

You have an anaesthetic, of course.

Mr. Rhodes.
I thought I told you to get into bed.

Well, I don't have to, do I?

Yes, you do.
Doctor's on his way to see you.

Oh I'm going out, is it?

I doubt it.

That's not funny.

It'll be even less funny
if doctor finds you out of bed.

He's going to give you treatment.

What treatment?

Bronchoscopy.

[tense music]

But I'm not here for treatment.

You are now.

Don't worry, it's quite minor.

Please get into bed.

[tense music continues]

Hey, you.

Doctor "know-all."

This "broncho" thing.

How long does that mean
I'll be here for, then?

Difficult to say.

Maybe three months, maybe six.

[tense music continues]

Stalemate!

What?

Stalemate.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Neither the black or the white can move.

A fine thing, I know the game so well,
I can't even beat myself!

[laughs]

[enchanted music]

Hey.

Hey!

[Henry] What are you staring at?

Nothing!

It's nothing. [laughs]

[Henry laughs]

[mouthing] Mad…

-Have you got that?
-Yes, Nurse.

-Start in the sluice then.
-Yes, Nurse.

Uh, Nurse!

What is it?

What is it with you lately?

I'm very busy, Mr. Richards…

But you can't be,
you've just been given some help.

-Oh, Catty!
-I've got to go to the sluice.

Well, I've been brushed off in my time,
but never by a girl who prefers plumbing.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, I don't know what you mean.

Ignoring me, never talking to me.

I treat you exactly the same
as any other patient.

Exactly. That's what
I'm complaining about.

-Look, Catty…
-Excuse me.

Oh, what do you want?

I was looking for my book.

Well, it's under your arm.

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

[bell ringing]

-Emergency?
-We haven't finished talking.

You must never, never,
ring emergency for a joke.

Well, it was no joke.
When we kissed it was no joke.

Why the way I feel now is no joke,

and your inexplicable attitude since then

is no joke.

It's not inexplicable.

Well, then for heaven's sake explain!

-Ian, listen…
-[clang, screams]

[Dorothy] Help, help!

Did you call for help?

No, no.

My voice broke some time ago.

Oh, then… It sounded like…

What is the matter with you?

Oh, nothing.

I think I'll go to the toilet.

That news has made my day.

Look, I think
I'm going to do a Capablanca!

Well, don't do it in here.

Oh, you ignoramus! I say…

What happened?

Well, I just opened it and it…

came away in my hand, Nurse.

It couldn't have done.

Well it did, Nurse.

Don't contradict me, Nurse Beamish!

All right, it didn't
come away in my hand then.

It took an immediate dislike to me,
hopped off the hinge,

and crushed my foot all by itself. Nurse.

I'm sorry.

It's just that the door's
never fallen off before.

Still, I suppose there is
a first time for everything.

Shall ring maintenance and have it fixed?

Yes, please.

-Hello.
-Oh, excuse me.

What's the matter?

I'm going to the toilet.

Want any help?

Whatever makes you think that?

Well, you don't look as though
you could do anything at the moment,

without help, that's all.

I'm perfectly all right, thank you.

Good.

[tank hisses]

[tense music]

Observation…

Only observation…

Hello, Nurse.

Oh, what's up?
You're not on duty till morning.

Just going to take a look at them.

Nurse…

May I ask you something?

Certainly.

Don't you trust me when you're off duty?

Of course.

But I can't help worrying about them.

They drive me mad when I'm here,
but it's worse when I'm away from them.

Just a natural-born worrier.
No reflection on you.

Like some tea?

Love some, thanks. Back in a minute.

[soft music]

[sensual groans]

Catty.

What's the matter, John?

[in a hushed tone]
Catty, I've been thinking.

Will you sit down and listen to me please?

I've been thinking.

This "coscopy" thing…

it's left me as weak as water.

You're making normal progress, John.

You said you'd listen, so listen.

I've got a wife…

and a son…

and I'm not putting any bread
on their table…

and I'm not meant to be an invalid.

Don't talk any more.

I'll give you something to make you sleep.

Yes, please.

For good.

[dramatic music]

What did you say?

I'm worth more to them dead,
that's what I've been thinking.

Catty.

You can give me a pill or something.

I can't go on like this.

Just show me a coalface I can batter
to bits, and I know where I am,

but I haven't got the toughness to deal
with this bloody bug I've got.

John, listen to me.
You're going to get better.

What you call better's not what
I mean by better.

I don't want to be coddled all my days.

Please, Catty.

Give me a couple of tablets or something.

Then I won't be any bother to you
or to anybody else.

[John cries]

[sobs]

[in a hushed voice] Now you listen to me.

I'm going to do something for you.

I'm never going to tell anyone about this.

Because it's not been
John Rhodes speaking.

It's been John Rhodes pumped
full of drugs, having a bad dream.

It's all over now.

You'll go to sleep.

Then you'll wake up and live.

The best way you can.

And be thankful.

You're not here to die.

And we're certainly not here to kill.

In spite of the cooking.

Don't go.

All right.

I know you're not on duty,
and I'm sorry to ask you…

but please don't go.

I won't.

Your tea's getting cold.

I'll have it in here, please.

He was all right when I did my round.
What's happened?

Nothing.

[sprightly music]

Well time's nearly up, Joyce.

Mmm?

Oh, visiting time, yes.

Are you worried about something, Joyce?

-No.
-Well, you look worried.

Well, I…

I'm always worried about you, Bob.

Worry's not necessary… only patience.

Yes, I know.

Well, why did you say you were worried?

Well, I… I wasn't choosing my words.

We weigh every word in here.

Conversation's one of our four
great obsessions.

What are the others?

Food, treatment and visitors.
Visitors most of all.

The others aren't always a pleasure,

I'm sorry I haven't been
a very good visitor today.

Course you have, like you've always been.

Bob.

Bob, I have something on my mind.

Work? The office?

Yes, that's right, work. I…

Oh, I don't know, I've been overworking,
I get tired you know.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I've been an awful visitor today.

No complaints.

Oh John, you never!

I did.

You know me, anything for a laugh.

There I was, right in the middle
of the floor, doing a strip-tease

for the boys, when in comes the Matron.

-[John laughs]
-Oh, John, whatever did you do?

Same as Salome,
dropped the seventh veil regardless.

That's you all right,
anything for a laugh.

Mind you,

that was before I had this, um…

"broncoscofola".

Got to stay in bed
for a bit now, you know.

That won't cramp your style,
not if I know you.

Tease those nurses
something unmerciful I do.

Well, you've got to have
a bit of fun out of life.

That's my motto.
Even in a place like this,

it's no good moaning, is it?

I'm glad you've taken it this way, John.

Well, you never expected me
to take it no other way, did you?

To tell you the truth, love, I have
been a bit worried lest you got…

impatient.

I mean… you were always so active,
Always on the go.

I thought… well… you might get angry.
With yourself and everybody else.

And got, well… niggly.

Who?

Me?

[comedic music]

The new curtains arrived
for the lounge, Henry.

I know Harriet, you wrote me.

When they were up I didn't like them.

You wrote me.

-Do you know why?
-Why what, Harriet?

Why I didn't like them when they were up.

You hadn't realised the colour would clash

with the little carpet
in front of the fire.

-That's right.
-I know.

-I wrote you?
-Yes, you did, Harriet.

-Imagine.
-Imagine what, Harriet?

Me not realizing about
the carpet and the curtains.

So you said.

-I didn't.
-You did, Harriet.

-When I wrote?
-Yes, Harriet.

Oh, so I did.

Oh dear Henry,
your sister's getting very forgetful

in her old age.

But not too forgetful to miss visiting me.

If only I could think of things
to say when I'm here.

Well if only you wouldn't write
so much Harriet.

[melodic music plays]

John.

-That man.
-What man?

[heavy accented tune]

He do look bad.
What's the matter with him?

T.B. of course.

And gut sick.

I'll bring you some eggs and things
from the farm next time I come, George.

As long as you come, Dora.

It's proper daft, that rule,
no food allowed in.

Nice new laid eggs do you the
world of good.

I don't care about eggs or anything else,
just bring yourself, that's all I ask.

Why do you keep saying that?

Well, I'm going to be
in a long time, Dora.

-Maybe a tidy long time.
-And?

And, you might get tired of waiting.
For me, I mean.

Tired?

Yeah, well I can't help thinking,
we were going to get married before

this happened, you know.
And you might want to change your mind.

Can't help thinking that, can I?

You never were much good
at thinking George,

why don't you leave it alone.

Now don't make no promises you can't keep.

You great fool, don't you know me
no better than that?

The way I see it…

If you really have a care for someone…

for better or worse

goes all along the line.
Before you wed as well as after.

And you care that way?

Don't you know that?

You soppy creature.
How many eggs d'you like?

-Don't like eggs.
-Oooh!

-But I eat them for you, shells an' all.
-[both laugh]

[comical, suspenseful music]

[tense music gets faster, then stops]

Ian, what are you doing?
You're on "strict bed," get back at once!

I'd rather die, there are four
strange women in there!

-You can have the screens, you idiot!
-Let me go.

There'll be terrible trouble if I do.

There'll be terrible trouble if you don't!

Junior fifteen!

Oh, why didn't you show it to me
as soon as you got here?

We was saving it up for you.

I'd give my life to see him play!

Though it won't be much of a life,
when they've got through it 'ere.

Not much to give…

but I'd give it.

John… don't say that.

All right, all right.

Just a figure of speech.

Junior fifteen!

Reserve.

Not for long, love… not for long.

-He's fit!
-[bells ringing]

I'll write.

Goodbye.

Bye.

[sentimental music]

[sentimental music continues]

Have you told him?

Never mind, next time then.

[music grows dramatic]

[engine starts]

[stirring music]

[stirring music fades]

Right, that's it.
Rest hour's over, you can talk now.

What about?

One. Two.

Three. Four. Five.

Twenty-one this week.

Why couldn't she have put
them all in one envelope?

[laughs]

Wake up, Chris.

If you sleep now,
you won't get the benefit later.

[Chris moans]

Sorry.

It's all right.

I thought you were…

I must have been dreaming.

About well-cooking crackling?

-Shut up!
-You shut up!

You both shut up! Always rowing.

I beg your pardon.

[Catty] What a mood you're all in today.

And such a lovely day, too.

A lovely spring day.

Spring! When a young man's fancy

lightly turns and…

in this place, falls flat on its face.

[heavy, sentimental music]

Hey!

Christine…

Don't you call me that.

-And shut-up!
-Don't you tell me to shut up!

Just who do you think you are?

A man and a worker.

Rhodes, I appeal to you.

No, you bloody don't.

Oh, shut your mouth!

Well, you shut it for me.

-Come on, you come and shut it for me, eh?
-Lay off, will you?

Nah, you all keep outta this.
Let's just see.

If he's got the guts…
to get outta that pit and shut it for me.

Ah, yeah! You wanna play, do you?

Ah! What have we got here, eh?

Ooh, it's a poem.

[John] By Christine Walker!

Give me that!

And I thought you spent
all your time writing beauty hints

like other little girls.

Poetry, is it? Fancy!

Yes, it's quite something, Christine.

"A time for love."

"The green and bursting spring."

He's writing about his bed, see.
I'm having trouble with my springs, too.

"A time for love,

sweet loves in everything."

What a load of girlish muck!

I don't know.

[George] I think it sounds very pretty.

What did I tell you?

No guts.

Just listen to this lads.

"To ease my aching heart,

in tidy rhyme…"

All right, John. You can stop now.

Surely it's not so much fun
when he's not here.

What's eating you?

Disgust. Eating in to me like white ants.
Why don't you leave him alone?

He makes me sick.

Six men in one room for months on end
all make each other sick.

If you're civilized,
you don't show it too much.

Ah! I'm not civilized now am I?

Don't try and pick and argument with me.

Argh, you all make me sick.

You ought to take this up, John.

I find it very soothing.

Oop!

Pricked myself.

Erm, hello Nurse Beamish.

Oh, hallo Chris.

What d'you do when you're off duty?

Eat.

All by yourself?

Well, I don't have to be fed.

I mean…

Don't you have any friends?

Oh, yes.

Erm…

Any special friend?

Oh, yes.

In the sanatorium?

Yes…

The staff or, um…

-Patient?
-Staff.

Oh…

Can I go now?

Oh yes, of course. Um…

-I shall be wanting to eat.
-I'm hungry, too.

This is your friend?

Do I look like her mother?

Janet… This is Chris Walker.

I'm overwhelmed. Come along, Dorothy.

[romantic music plays]

[birds tweet]

Well?

Hello, Catty.

Good of you to see me.

I'll be boiled in oil
if Matron discovers I've left the ward.

What is it?

We can't be seen
from the building, can we?

Not unless Matron possesses a periscope,
which I rather fancy she does.

What's the matter?

You know.

Joyce, please.
Cut the drama, I haven't got time.

You think I'm a bitch, don't you?

No…

Just a coward.

You want me to tell
Bob White that you've fallen for…

Charlie Sports Car, right?

Catty, I want your advice
as to how best to tell him.

You must have seen it before.
It happens quite a lot, doesn't it?

It happens.

How do they take it?

They take it.

Catty, I want your advice.

You don't, do you?

No.

Please tell him for me.

I've torn up dozens of letters.

You tell him for me, Catty, please.

Okay.

All in a day's work, I suppose.

I'll say…

"Bob."

"Joyce isn't visiting you anymore.
Seems she's found another boyfriend."

"Isn't life full of surprises?"

"Here's another. There's stew for lunch."

How's that?

Why, you can't put it so starkly!

Well, you tell me how I can dress it up.

Bob and I have known
each other all our lives.

I've been visiting him here for
over six months.

I can't end it just like that.

You're not ending it at all.

I am.

No Catty, you're not.

I'll show you
if I'm a coward next visiting day.

I'm sorry.

I've wasted your time.

You didn't.

[George] Hey, Henry, what's that
you're always playing?

Draughts with knobs on?

No, chess.

[George] Well,
can two people play it then?

Oh yes. Yes, of course.

Why, are you interested George?
Would you like to learn?

Well, you've got to do something
in this place. I'll have a go.

Once, over a year ago,
I taught a patient how to play chess.

And just as he was ready
to give me a good game,

what do you think the blighter did?

-What?
-Recovered!

Went out of here months before
he should have done.

You look pretty fit,
I'd better get a move on.

Now, the whole object
of the game is to get the king.

-Mhm.
-You see.

-Now that's the king.
-Well it don't look like a king.

Well it may not look like a king,
but it's the king.

Now you must get
your opponent's king into a position

where he can't move a square
in any direction

without being taken.

That's checkmate.

Right mate, I've got it. I see how to win.

How?

Never move the king at all.
He's in the back row, right?

Well, if he don't move
none of them other draughts

can jump over him 'cause there's
no square for them to land on.

Wait, wait. In chess you don't jump
over pieces to take them.

-Even the knights…
-Then it's not like draughts?

No, no. Now this is the bishop.

Well it don't look like--

I know it may not look like the bishop
but it's called a "bishop" nevertheless.

All right, all right.
How does he move then?

Straight up in the air towards Heaven?

No, no. Diagonally. And he can't jump.

Well that I can understand.

Wouldn't be dignified
for a bishop to jump, would it?

Quite. Now that's the castle.

Fair enough, looks like a castle.

Where's this knight you mentioned then?

-That's the knight.
-That?

Looks more like a horse to me.
And surely a horse can jump?

Why, even the eldest horse on our farm
can do a bit of a jump, Henry.

Yes. Well, if it will help you,
think of it as lame.

-Hmm. A lame knight.
-A lame horse.

-You said it was called a knight.
-Well, it is called a knight.

Even though it looks like a horse?

Well it looks like a horse
but it's called a knight.

Well I wouldn't send a knight out
on a horse like this.

[laughs]

[paper rustles]

[suggestive music]

-Well, what's he then?
-He's a queen.

-Oh, is he?
-Well she then, she!

As long as I know.

Yes. She can move any direction
she likes, any number of squares.

-And go round corners?
-No!

You said she could go in any direction.

Any direction,
except the same direction as the knight.

Naturally. It wouldn't do
to have the queen chasing

after any old knight, would it?
What are these little fellows 'ere then?

They are pawns. They can move any
direction they like, except backwards.

And they can only move one square
at a time, except on their first move.

When they can go two squares,
have you got it?

All right. I've got it.
No need to get in a huff.

Huff? How many times have I got
to tell you we are not playing draughts!

What do you think I am, a fool?

Looking at you, I sometimes wonder.

What did you say?

I said, it looks bad enough for thunder.

Right…

[tense music]

Sorry.

[tense music continues]

[chokes]

[Catty] Oh, Chris.

Will you remind Ian,
he's got an X-ray appointment, please?

Right.

Catty says to remind you about your X-ray.

Thank you.

Morning.

[slams cards]

[angrily] Good morning!

-I don't want to talk to you.
-That's obvious.

Listen you twit, I know your sort.

You're not angry with me.
You're not turning your back on me.

You're just frightened
of your own feelings.

I'm not apologizing for the other night,
and you were quite right to stop me.

But you are not right to play
what-a-good-boy-am-I.

I admit, I probably let the side down.

But damn it, you're not
even in the reserves.

That's all.

Except to say thank you
for not telling anyone about

Randy Richard's night patrol.

It was Dorothy who asked
me not to say anything.

I didn't do it for your sake.

"For your sake," Chris, stop behaving
as though you were brought up

by Victorian grandparents, who wouldn't
even tell you about the gooseberry bush.

I know about the facts of life.

They told us at the orphanage.

[sombre music]

Hey, come on in. Only get cold out here.

[melancholy music]

Well, here we go.

Once round.

Slowly.

-All right?
-Fine.

I'm bound to make
real progress now, aren't I?

Be cured, quickly I mean.

Slowly… There's no short-cut
to a cure Bob, you know that.

If I had another relapse,
I don't what I'd do.

Cut my throat, I reckon.

You're not going to relapse.

-Is that a guarantee?
-Personal.

You know something, Catty?
You're a good nurse.

Whereas you, Bob White,
you're an impatient patient.

Slowly, now.

Hey, I've just thought
of something marvellous.

If it's a nice day Saturday,
can I be out here when Joyce arrives?

You send her out to me, you know,
say something casual like…

"Oh, Mr. White's waiting
in the garden for you."

Sure, very good idea.

-If it's a nice day.
-It will be.

The nicest in my whole life.

Great. Come on.

Slowly, now.

Fantastic progress.

That's the very word
the doctor used. "Fantastic."

"Got enough resistance for six men,"
he said, that's what I got.

With a bit of luck I shall even be able
to go back to mining,

now what do you think of that?

That's how fantastic my progress has been.

Medical history, no less. [coughs]

So there's no need for me
to have a chat with the doctor, eh John?

Oh, no. No need.

Busy man.

No need to worry him, is there?

It's marvellous.

You know you've been talking too much.

Look at these photos for a change.

Our boy?

What's this then?

"Start Monday…"

"Counter-hand"?

"Colliery canteen"?

The sickness benefit
isn't enough for us, John.

You must know that.

But John Rhodes' wife…

going out to work.

[dramatic music]

What's happened?

Come outside.

What's happened to Bob?

He's outside in the gardens.

Oh, Catty, for an awful moment I thought…

Well then I can't tell him today.

Can't knock him down when he's
making such progress.

Not today, or any other visiting day.

-Surprised?
-It's wonderful, Bob,

Well, you're out and about again.

Oh no you don't,
I've waited a long time for this.

Would you care to take a walk with me?

I'm allowed round
the daffodils once a day.

Hey, will you slow down a bit?

You are fitter than I am.

Have you been over-working again?

No.

You look tired, sort of under a strain.

No…

Nice day, isn't it?

Yes.

That's better, I wanted
to hear you say yes for a change.

Did you? Why?

"No" isn't my favourite word.
No more than once round.

No lightning cures.
No visiting during the week.

I think you'd better say "yes"
to everything I say.

All right.
Must humour the patient I suppose.

Might be quite funny, like a game almost.

-What might?
-You saying yes to everything.

Like erm, oh let's see.

We've got a new rule here now.

Yes.

First bloke to make the Matron smile
without using a feather

gets a free plastic lung.

-[Joyce laughs]
-Isn't that an incentive?

Yes.

Do you love me, Joyce?

Yes.

We've known each other since we were kids

some people would say
it's just a habit. Not love at all.

Yes?

-They'd be wrong, wouldn't they?
-Yes. Bob, this is really a silly game.

You are under a strain.
You'll get ill if you go on like this.

Yes.

-You must do something about it.
-Yes.

-You must think of yourself.
-Yes.

-And the person you love.
-Yes.

It is me you love, isn't it?

Yes.

You're lying, aren't you?

Yes… Bob…

Bob, there is something.

That's not the answer.

-Don't you remember the answer?
-Yes.

Bob, I…

[dramatic crescendo]

[dramatic music continues]

Shall we go out on the veranda?

Oh, yes. What a good idea.

We can continue
our conversation out there.

[dramatic music]

[groaning] Catty…

Catty!

Catty!

Ow!

Shhh.

Bob's supposed to have peace and quiet.

-I know.
-Well then.

-[pieces clatter]
-[all shush Henry]

Shh!

All right, I know.

He's so full of drugs, turning over
a page isn't going to disturb him.

You shut up, too!

-[smack, thump, slap]
-[Bob] Ooh! Ah!

Poor old Bob.

-[Bob moans]
-I don't know how he can put up with it.

You'd think he'd suffered enough.

Well, what are they doing to him, then?

Well, go and taken look,
if you can stand it.

I will.

[Bob moans and sighs]

Hey! Hop it! Is nothing sacred?

[clucks tongue]

Ohh!

Oh…

Well, surely I can do this myself?

You know the routine,
strict bed and complete rest.

Surely I can do that at least!

[all laugh]

Ah now look, can't I do something myself?

Not this time, Bob White.

This time you're going to
get well if it kills me.

[playful music]

[playful music continues]

Oh, I always forget,
doors must always be kept open.

[mischievous music]

Fool!

Ajar!

Eh? We're not going to make any jam.

The door, you great nit.
If it's closed it'll attract attention.

Leave it slightly ajar.

Now, you hand the various dishes to me,
and I'll do the cooking.

-I'll do the cooking.
-I'll do the cooking.

I've been cooking since I was a child.

Well it's high time you were done.

Why don't we ask Chris,
at least he's learning to be a cook.

Yes, learning, exactly.

I'm not having my food mucked about
by any culinary apprentice.

It's my food Henry.

And any way, you ain't done
no cooking for a year neither.

You never forgot how to cook,
it's like riding a bicycle.

Well if that's how you do your cooking,
I'll do my own, thanks a lot.

Now, look here George.

[George and Henry bicker]

[metallic scraping]

What is it?

Something climbing up the wall outside.

-Are you barmy?
-Hah! It's a burglar.

What's there to steal in here?

My grub!

[pot clangs]

-Now what?
-The cupboard.

[sensual music]

[faucet turns on]

[sensual music continues]

[sensual music continues]

Now, there's a pretty kettle of fish.

Yes, isn't she?

-Janet!
-Shhh.

I can't get into the Nurses Home.
Some idiot bolted the bathroom window.

And I had to come in
through your kitchen window.

I'll have to stay in here tonight,
I'm dying for a cup of tea.

Didn't have time to eat, hmm?

Meow! No sugar thank you.

-[whisks]
-[chops]

[boom]

[suspenseful music]

[clatters softly]

[whispers] Cramp!

[suggestive music]

These dreams, every single night!

I'll go mad, I know I will!

[loud clatter]

[mysterious music]

-You using this?
-No.

[birds singing]

Ay, ay, ay…

Hey, look at Ian.

He's taking a walk.

I don't care if he's swinging
from tree to tree.

Yeah, but he's not supposed
to walk any further than here.

He's supposed to sit, not walk.

He'll suffer for it later.

Doesn't seem to be doing him
any harm at the moment.

[bird singing]

[Chris sighs]

[Henry] Catty. Mail up?

None for you.

-None for me?
-Shhh!

-Is the mail up, Henry?
-Right up. The creek.

Hmm?

None for me.

-There's none for you?
-None-for-me!

Simple enough fact, isn't it?
Not the end of the world, is it?

Some people aren't
all that fascinated by mail.

No matter how the world is spelled.

[piece clatters]

That's the way to bash a bishop.

I wonder if she's cross
with me for not writing.

[slow instrumental music playing]

Hello, Dorothy.

Nurse Beamish, I mean.

Nothing special to say, except…

You're so beautiful.

Nurse Beamish…

Dorothy.

I think if you don't mind…

I love you.

From the first moment I saw you
standing there in the sluice.

No, no, that won't do.

Naturally…
It's the last thing you'd expect,

someone like me having the nerve
to fall in love with someone like you.

I mean, trainee chef's not much cop, and…

I've got no family.

At least in a couple of years' time
I will be able to cook.

You'll think it over?

Thanks.

Hopeless!
That couldn't possibly impress any girl.

Ah! That's what I wanted, yes…

[playful music]

-Hello, George.
-Hello.

-What's the book?
-Oh, it's all about breeding.

-Breeding?
-Mmm.

Well some of us have to study
that sort of thing I suppose.

-And some of us don't.
-Yeah.

[both laugh]

Yeah…

Hi Mary!

Ah, well. Her loss, poor kid.

I've never met a man like you Ian,
you really need women, don't you?

Oh, no.

Take 'em or leave 'em, you know.
An amused detachment. Absolute calm.

[Ian growls]

[George] Eh? What's happened?

Am I dreaming?

Oh, that's Nurse…
Nurse Janet what's-her-name.

You know, probationer.

What? She's real? You know her?

I don't exactly know her,
but I've seen her without her skirt.

-You have? Without her skirt?
-Mhm.

So have I. But it was in a dream.

S-she's a real girl!

Yeah. Very nice too I should think.

Yes, so should I.

[laughs] Oh baby!

That feeling of certainty is
going right through me.

Oh Ian, my lad, that one's for sure!

Mother Macree, that one's for me!

Where does she work?

Women's wards.

What a waste! We're supposed to be
living in a welfare state!

We are. It's all free here.

George, old darling,
you never spoke a truer word!

Happy breeding!

Eh?

Why aren't you out in the sun, Chris?

I…

as a matter of fact…

I rather… sorta… I wanted
to have a word with you.

You're always scribbling,
got any paper Chris?

That all you've got?

Have you… have you got a pencil?

That'll do.

Can you come outside, just for a minute?

Oh, very well.

It doesn't matter.

Any time.

Some other time.

Well, whatever it is…

don't forget it.

I won't.

I won't.

[whistling approaches]

[whistling]

What's up with you?
You look like a love-sick calf.

Can't you mind
your own flaming business for one minute!

Hey!

He's developing!

Aren't we all?

-Just a minute.
-Yes. What is it?

I can't wait any longer.
This is private enough, I…

I must tell you.

I don't believe in announcing
inspections, gentlemen.

I have sufficient confidence in my staff
to let you see them

under normal conditions at work.

Nurse!

Yes, Matron!

Do I have to go back to bed?

If you're very quiet, no.
You can sit at the table in the ward.

Joy of joys.

Don't be ungrateful, Bob.

-I want to go out on the balcony.
-It's not warm enough.

Well, it's just been warm enough
for me to freeze in the X-ray room.

Ooh, you can be so petty.

Why bother about me then?

It's my job.

I'm sorry Catty, I must be
the worst one in the ward.

You're all the same to me.

Have you got a rubber band?

Well, there's one in the office I think.

Don't run!

[intense music]

[loud drums are playing into crescendo]

[music softens]

[sensual music]

[Ian's voice] "Dear Janet
who-ever-you-are."

"You're just what the doctor ordered,
if the doctors here had any sense."

"Let's meet and talk
about the treatment I really need."

"I get out every day at two-thirty."

[Ian growls]

You've got to hand it to him though,
he's a trier.

Who is?

He won't get within a mile of her.

Who won't?

I wouldn't be too sure.
He told me he had a wave of certainty.

-Who?
-And heard a voice saying "for sure."

-What voice? Who?
-Want to bet on it?

-Well, I wouldn't exactly…
-Afraid to back up your judgment, eh?

-On what?
-I'll have half a dollar of that.

All right, done. Are you still scared?

Five bob says he does.

-Does what? Who?
-All right, any more takers?

Pound!

-You're on!
-Fine.

Now tell me, on what?

You just bet a quid
that Ian Richards there, will…

That nurse that he just threw
the tobacco tin at,

that she'll be a push-over for him.

Oh, why throw a tobacco tin?

There's a note wrapped round it.

Well I'm relieved to learn she
doesn't chew shag, anyway.

[Bob] Betting on a thing like that!

Don't you fellows ever
think of anything else?

Hey…

Have you thought of this?

How? And I repeat, how?

How are we to know?

[slow, sensual music plays]

Tactful lot, leaving us alone.

I just wanted to see what you look like.
At close quarters.

Of course.

We've talked enough, eh?

Not so fast!

I can adjust to any speed you like.

Seventy-eight, forty-five, thirty-three…
and a third.

You're very sure of yourself.

Aren't you sure of me?

[gasps]

I can't stay, I'm on duty.

I'm sure a benevolent fate
will bring us together again.

Soon.

[sighs]

So am I.

Have a bet on it, Henry?
I wouldn't take your money.

I don't know why you all think
he's so irresistible.

She came to him.

There was a light in her eyes.

Ian knows about girls.

He's not the only one, any man
that knows what he's about

can tell that that one's a push-over.

Thank you gentlemen.
That was most considerate.

Reconnaissance completed.
Target virtually undefended.

Ah, sit down, old chap.

Save your strength Ian, my boy.

[Chris] Have some chocolate!

"Informing you that your application
for the post…"

Forewoman?

Aren't you proud of me, John?

You're still working
above the pit, I hope?

'Course, silly. In the canteen.

That's somethin', isn't it?

You got the book all right then, George?

Oh, yeah!

Just the job, thanks.

My dear Henry!

Oh, I'm so sorry to be late.

You know, for the first time ever
I missed the bus.

-And the post.
-Pardon?

The post. Remember?
Originally the Penny Post.

Introduced by Rowland Hill,
a native of Kidderminster in 1840.

My dear Henry, I'm sure I don't know why
you're quoting your encyclopaedia at me.

Don't you, don't you indeed!

Oh the post! The letter post! That one!

I didn't mean the kind you tied horses to.

-But I told you.
-You told me what?

The last time I came.
I wouldn't be writing again.

-You didn't.
-Oh, excuse me Henry, I did.

As an inhabitant of this
carbolicked institution I assure you,

I treasure every word uttered to me,
by my one and only visitor.

And you did not say a word
about not writing to me,

on the occasion of
your last and practically silent visit.

Well, I thought I did.

What you think you do, and what you do do

are often very different, Harriet.

Well, I'm sorry Henry.
I meant to mention it.

Alright, you meant to Harriet,
but why, why?

After months and months of writing to me…

sometimes three or four times a day

do you suddenly take it
into your head to stop?

Writer's cramp?

No.

Only to make my visit less silent.
To have something to talk to you about.

-And it's worked already.
-Eh?

Well, haven't you realised,
we've said more in this visit than…

the whole of the three
other visits put together.

[exhales happily]

All right, Harriet dear.

Just tell me all your news.

You first.

Nothing much ever happens in…

There's just one thing.

I hate to ask you, but could you possibly
lend me twenty-seven and sixpence?

Twenty-seven and sixpence?

That's the exact sum I think
I shall be needing any day now.

Remarkable!

You're the first patient
who's ever been allowed to go fishing,

without even going once the daffodils.

I know, that's what I said to the doctor.

It's the only thing
that relaxes me, I said.

Well, don't overdo it now.

How can you overdo it just sitting still?

Ta-ta, so long.

Bye.

-So long, 'enry.
-Oof.

[John laughs]

Nurse. Where's Richards?

He could be anywhere.

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of.

What's the matter?
Do you want him to do something special?

No Nurse, I do not.

[cheerful music]

[music turns suspenseful]

[Janet] Mr. Richards!

You shouldn't be this far.

Surely there's no question of doubt
as to how far I should go?

I came here for a swim.

What are you whispering for?
There's no one about is there?

-Just a minute.
-Not a second.

I tried to meet you on your walk,
but it wasn't possible.

It wouldn't have done us
much good, would it?

Gracious little chat on the lawn.

Not what either of us want, is it?

You're taking a lot for granted.

As long as you realise that.

Contact!

[music turns romantic]

Hi, Sir Izaak, did you catch anything?

-Yes, my breath.
-Eh?

You owe me two and a kick.

I want proof.

Every bookmaker's entitled
to proof that his horse has past the post.

Proof! Don't you believe me?
What more proof do you want

than I practically saw with my…

There's your proof!

Ian?

How are you?

I feel f-f…

-Fabulous!
-[exclaims happily]

[slow music plays]

-Go on, Chris, this is your big moment.
-Yes.

Well, make a move then.

It's customary when walking,
to look where you're going.

I'm looking where I want to look.

You're supposed to be having a walk.

This is your first.

This is a more important first to me.

The first time I've been alone with you.

The first chance I've had to tell you…

It's getting chilly.
I think we'd better start walking.

I'm meant to look after you.

So will you then?

For the rest of my life?

What's so funny?

Me…

I've imagined this so often.

Exactly what I'd say and…

Well now, I can't say,
"This is so sudden."

-Why not?
-Because I've known for a long time.

-You have?
-Since the first day…

you looked at me in the sluice.

It wasn't a very
romantic beginning, was it?

We're stuck with it Chris.

You mean that… that you will?

Without knowing anything about me?

What more do I need to know?

Oh plenty! You see, I…

I haven't got a family…

You tell me while we walk.

[John sings]

[happy sigh]

I feel practically as good as new.

I shall be out of here in no time.

Although there are some of us
not too anxious to leave, eh?

[laughs]

Ah, lad you're blushing. All over!

Well I hope you've got
good cause, that's all.

-Oh, shut up!
-[John laughs]

[John continues laughing]

Regular ray of sunshine lately, isn't he?

The sort that burns your eyeballs out.

Well what's wrong with being cheerful?

Well, you tell us.
You're the expert on misery these days.

I am? Looked at your
long fiddle-face in the mirror

since Janet what's-her-name?

Yeah, who'd of thought
Janet'd marry that specialist?

Any man that would marry Janet
would need to be a specialist.

What'd you mean?

-Look it up in your book.
-It's not that sort of book.

Hello, hello!

[Bob] Belt up!

-Oh shut your cake-hole.
-Shut up!

Hello! Won't anybody say "Hello"?

Hello.

Hey, let's make Chris
an apple-pie bed, eh?

What a jolly jape.

Ah! What a miserable lot you are!
Why don't you learn from me?

All right, I admit for months on end
I looked on the worst side of everything.

I was miserable, depressed,
a burden to myself

and everybody else.

-Still are mate!
-[John laughs]

That's the idea man,
we've got to crack a few jokes,

pull each other's legs.

Show 'em out there
that we're alive in here.

How's that for a slogan, boys?

In Ward Five, we're all alive.

Drop dead!

[laughs]

That's very good, that's the spirit man!

We've got to laugh at each other.
Laugh at yourself, I do!

You've got more material
to work on than we have.

[laughs]

That's the sort of thing I mean.

Now let's take you for instance, Bob.

It's a plain as a pikestaff,
what's been bothering you.

Oh! Shut up!

If you could see yourself sometimes,
making cow's-eyes at Catty.

-Cut it out!
-Here's an idea, boys.

Since our Bob is too shy
to declare himself to his lady-love,

why don't we do it for him?

[tray jingles]

Come and get it, partners!

Here's that little ol' cowgirl, Catty.

Dishin' up the grubsteaks from
the gall-darned chuck-wagon!

"Purty!"
That's what she is. Mighty "purty"!

-Oh, stop being frivolous.
-Quite.

Lost your tongue, your manners, or both?

I'm sorry, Nurse, I was quite overcome.

How were you to know that
this is exactly what I crave?

At a rough guess,
I'd say this mule has rickets.

I'm afraid this broke in my hand, Nurse.

I can screw it up.

Exactly my opinion,
but I'd rather have it done properly.

I'll have it seen to.

Thank you, Nurse.

Not at all, Mr. White.

-He's right.
-Who's right?

John. You are spooney about 'er.

Can't any of you keep
your noses out of my affairs?

Six men stuck in a room for months on end
are bound to get on each other's nerves.

The more civilized you are,
the less you show it.

Eh?

Oh. Ice cold!

Have I ever told you,
you're the first girl I've ever kissed?

Yes, you have.

Why do you ask,
do you plan to kiss others?

Not at the moment.

[sweeping music]

Something wrong?

Just what I was going to ask you?

May I sit down please?

Sure.

Sorry.

Tell me.

Is that an order?

What do you mean?

What's wrong with me isn't medical.

It can affect your health just the same.

Always on duty, aren't we?

Always.

You're a good nurse.

I'm getting tired of being told that.

We all have
our private little crosses to bear.

Yes, that's the word. Private.

Catty.

I can't say what's wrong with me.
Not now. Not ever.

I think I can guess.

You can't forget Joyce, can you?

Catty, I don't want to say
any more about it.

Do you want to be shot at dawn?
If Matron sees you looking like that.

Our stove's gone peculiar.
Can I make our drinks on yours?

Of course.

There's always something.

Or nothing.

What d'you mean, Catty?

Why is it the men you don't want
swarm all over you…

while the one you do, won't even wink?

Oh!

Oh well, doesn't matter,
I'm ready now anyway.

So you mean if the X-ray shows
a very good improvement,

I might be out of here soon?

Chess.

What?

Look!

[whimsical music]

Hallo there, Henry! Uh…

Care for a game of chess?

What is this, a joke?

The joke will be on me if you refuse
after all the trouble I've taken.

-The book?
-The book.

The book!

[both exclaim loudly] The book!

Yes the book, I've just seen it!

Sit down.

-No!
-I tell you, I've seen it!

This I've got to see for myself.

-Off you go then.
-No, you move.

Right.

You sure you want
to make that move, Henry?

As a matter of fact,
it's my favourite opening.

Hmmm.

Nineteen-o-three, Odessa, eh?

[whimsical music]

[George tuts]

[whimsical music]

Checkmate.

It's a fluke.

Care for a little revenge then?

[clearing his throat]

Er, Bob.

You haven't forgotten
your X-ray, have you?

Ah, they're like birthdays.

the more you have,
the less you like to remember 'em.

He's gone.

-[Ian] Right.
-[George] What's this all about?

Shhh! Be quiet, just listen.

Well, why can't Bob listen? It's not nice
to wait until he's gone you know.

Henry, I'm making you personally
responsible for keeping him quiet.

Unfortunately I seem to have
mislaid my sledgehammer.

All right, all right, all right.
I'll be quiet. Now what's it all about?

[Ian] Bob and Catty.

Ooh!

Well gentlemen,
it is perfectly obvious to all of us…

well, nearly all of us…

that Bob White is
in love with Nurse Catty.

Well, I said that weeks ago, didn't I?

You also said, my old Stakhanovite,
that if Bob couldn't loosen his tongue

enough to tell her,
he ought to be given some help.

Ah! But I only said that as a joke.

Well, many a true word, dear fellow.

Ah well, how are we going to set about it?

Attack! We talk romance to Bob
on every conceivable opportunity,

to get him into the, eh…
into the mood, you see.

So that we can leave him alone
with Catty whenever the occasion arises,

Ah! But wait a minute now,
we might be interfering in something

that isn't our business.

We could be wrong.

-We're not.
-No, we're not.

Ah, all right. You should know.

[Ian] All clear, then?

Yeah, except for one thing.

What's a "Shakhanovite"?

It's a name they give a bloke
in Russia who digs a lot of coal.

How do you know?

I'm not daft Henry.

Hello!

Hello.

Ah, sad time of the year, autumn.

Yep.

But romantic.

Yeah.

I've written a poem about it.

Would you like to hear it?

Please yourself.

"The leaves are falling,
like the hair of my love,

tumbling about her shoulders."

"The branches are sleek
and slender like her fingers

clasped in mine."

"All around us life is dying."

"And yet with us, warmth and certainty,

like the gay butterfly of summer."

"Because we love."

Doesn't rhyme.

That's Chinese style.

Is that so,
doesn't Chinese poetry have to rhyme?

Not in translation any rate.

Anybody can write it then?

Yes.

If you've got an idea.
And my idea was that love…

Well then, I bet I could.

Bob, I didn't come
out here to talk about poetry.

Neither did I, but it's amazing
how these things develop, isn't it?

It's amazing how all sorts
of things develop, if you let them.

Like T.B.?

Yes. No!

Well, in a sense. I mean…
It is rather a sickness.

-Is that what your poem's about?
-Yes.

Morbid sort of tyke, aren't you?

Here, have a read of it.
See what it does for you, eh?

I'll tell you right now
what it does for me.

-Yes?
-It makes me sick!

Shakespeare himself, with a fistful
of sonnets, couldn't have done better.

I tried my best.

Yes, and his mood's
about as romantic as a cat at Crufts.

Marvellous achievement!

It was a mistake to tell him
about the Chinese poetry.

Let me have a go.

Well, you couldn't do worse
than Fu Manchu here.

Ah, stand back.

[martial music]

Hello!

Hello.

I got a letter from Dora.

That's nice.

Yes. She's so sure
I'll be out of here soon,

she's even preparing
her trousers for the wedding.

You mean "trousseau."

-Oh, do I?
-Well I hope so.

Oh!

What do you want
to talk to me about, then?

Well I, um, Dora asked me…

Well I don't know
how to put this, really, but…

She's noticed you.

-Has she?
-Yes, she's noticed you all right.

Every time she's been here
she's noticed you.

All alone and by yourself
and no one visiting you, you see.

And miserable and sad like no one
in the world gives a rap about you.

And, err, all that sort of thing.

Cor! He's laying it on three feet thick!

Shhh! Strictly personal touch!

And she was wondering, and so was I…

if you'd like to come to our wedding,
you see, so you wouldn't feel lonely,

and not wanted and cared for,
for a few hours.

Terrible thing to be
that way Bob, isn't it?

Ah, yes. Certainly, yes.

'Course I always say:
"There's a woman somewhere for every man."

As long as he keeps his eyes open
and his mouth…

Isn't that right eh, keep your eyes open?
Isn't that right?

[laughs]

-That's a nice thought.
-It's a night thought, yeah.

Well, you come to the wedding then, eh?

If I'm out of here,
yes George I'll be glad to.

Good. That's settled then.

Well, eh, 'course you might be too busy

setting up your own house,
with your own wife, eh?

Ain't that right? Be too busy, eh?

-You never know.
-Yeah, well…

"You never know,"
that's what I always say.

Um, 'scuse me!

I got 'im, he's in the mood.

I think you've done it.

Well, he did say, "You never know."

-The thought's taken root.
-Well done, George.

Now we must get him with Catty,
alone and as soon as possible.

-Now?
-How?

Shhh.

[suspenseful music]

-Oh, thanks.
-That's okay.

Err, oh, Catty!

Did you know that
Chinese poetry doesn't rhyme?

[Catty] You're right, it doesn't.

Extraordinary, isn't it?

I've heard that the Chinese laugh when
they're sad, and wear white at funerals.

Yes, there're lots of strange beliefs
about Chinese, aren't there?

[Catty] But poetry that doesn't rhyme…

That is strange.

Thought you'd think so.

Mmm, I do.

It's a funny old world
we live in, isn't it?

Hysterical.

[accented tune]

Hi, Bob.

Right…

I'll have my turn, now.

[jaunty music]

Bob. Catty wants
to see you in the kitchen.

Oh, right.

I don't want to see you.

Well, he said you did.

My mistake.

-I want to see you both.
-What's the meaning of this, Ian?

[chuckles]

Yes…

The meaning, as far as you're concerned

is fairly straight-forward,

so we'll start with you, Catty.

You, Catty, are a nice girl, and
nice girls don't make advances to men.

Ah, but you Bob White,
are suffering from two delusions.

Firstly, you think you're
on the rebound from Joyce.

And therefore you mistrust
your own feelings, but you're wrong.

Secondly, you think that if you do
say something to the lady…

She might respond to you out of… pity.

Wrong again.

You are in love with Bertha Bedpan here.

And she is in love with you.

Got it?

I shall be on hand
if you wish me to supply any…

illustrations to the text.

Morning.

How'd it go then?

[sweeping music]

[whimsical music]

[suspenseful music]

Morning, Matron!

Nurse Catty.

-Your cap isn't on straight.
-No, Matron.

[drums go into crescendo]

[music brightens]

[sweeping music]

Visitors for me?

Your family.

But I haven't got any family.

Well I have, and so have you now.

Mum, this is Chris.

Hello, Mrs. Beamish.

Coming home?

Aye. At the end of the week.

Now, love. What are you crying for?

I'm so happy!

Hey! Have you got a job for a dishwasher
in that canteen of yours?

Well, I won't be able to start work
in the mines for a while, will I?

You won't be doing anything for a while.

Oh, love. We've been apart a whole year.

John!

[both laugh]

Now George, you sure you're fit
to be married right away?

Now Dora, how many times
have I got to tell you.

It's only my lungs that went wrong.

Oh, George!

[George laughs]

I've moved your bed downstairs, Henry.

I've lit a nice big fire
in the front room,

and dusted your big ivory chess set.

What big ivory chess set?

Oh dear… Oh dear!
It was meant to be a surprise.

You, you haven't…?

Since the day you moved in here.
It's been waiting for you.

And so have I.

It's been dreadfully lonely.

Will Ian want any?

I think he's too busy.

Possible.

[laughs]

Certainty.

Hopeless.

[calm, happy music plays]

Well, better get going, the van's
been waiting for five minutes already.

Well, that's fair enough, we've been
waiting a whole year for it.

[laughs]

Catty… here.

What's this for?

To remind you to take some time off.

Thank you.

Six minutes now.
I've been waiting for six minutes.

Bye-bye, Catty.

Bye.

[all] Come on, break it up!
Come on, you! Alright, alright!

[Henry] Come on!

[men continue calling]

[laughter]

[sweeping music]