Tutto tutto niente niente (2012) - full transcript

Dear friends...

I've deliberated muchly

and have reached the conclusion

that I can no longer continue
in this political climate.

- No!
- No, sorry cetto

but I have to say

that if we give up now,
we're making a mistake.

We're giving in to our enemies.

No, carmine. I've deliberated.

There are too many signs
that we cannot ignore.

Thusly,



I find myself obliged
to dissolve the city council.

Todo todo nada nada

Who is it '? Who is it '? Stop!

Girls and boys,

unconscious and conscious,

welcome to the mega party of...

All or nothing I

as you know, religions

were created
to guarantee a pleasant life

after death.

But the guarantee of a pleasant life
before death

is something they haven't considered.

That's why you have... frengo!

My religion is about the "nowlife",
earthly happiness,



Harmony, fusion with nature.

If you want to believe
in another dimension,

I suggest you inhale... slowly.

All all...

Nothing nothing I

feel the connection
with mother nature '?

Feel the screw anchor
being driven into your skull '?

Sense the joy of the cosmos

molesting you '?

Hear that fucking telephone
interrupting our ritual '?

Hello '? Mom!

Is that you '?

How did you find me '?

Me, in Italy '? Me, in Italy '?

Have you smoked the great plains,
a petrified forest '?

Have you smoked
the Amazon rainforest '?

Italy doesn't deserve me.

You're dying '? Permanently '?

You scheduled a day '?

I'm not kidding, I have company.
It's the harvest festival.

If you don't dillydally, I'll come
pay my last respects, respectfully.

I promise, mom.

Cosmic love

My dear followers, see you soon.

In my absence
try not to smoke the tents,

try to be sober now and then,
that's an experience too.

And you, my dear Francis...

Did you smoke my pillow
that mysteriously disappeared '?

How about a four-Lane link road '?

I don't understand,

express yourself.
Are you an air-traffic controller '?

Give me a break...

I ask the questions
and give myself the answers.

Hello '?

What is it '? What '?

Has anyone seen spiderman '?

I asked if anyone
has seen spiderman!

Yes, spiderman is here.
Anything else '?

Him too '?

Has anyone seen Superman '?

I asked if anyone
has anyone seen Superman!

Blackies, hand over Superman
or you can swim the rest of the way.

They must've eaten Superman.

Go back to where you came from!

No Superman, bye.

Stand up! Put on your hats
and act like tourists.

Welcome to the west.

Look at venice, isn't it lovely '?

You've seen venice now,
the vacation's over.

We'll take another vehicle
and go to work, round-the-clock.

Sit down! Vacation's over.

All right?

We'll abolish the euro
a create a new currency,

the tallero!

Alfredo, don't say a word.

I know I'm late

but the roads are full of potholes,

I'd like to get home without busting
my oil pan at least once.

If only we had a link road...
But we don't.

Rodolfo, they're no good.

- Angelo, check them.
- Don't be silly, they're good.

I've told you before,
I need tall ones.

I'm waging war here,
not playing mini-golf.

I can't send these garden gnomes
to attack the cuirassiers.

I need marines.

So are we ready to secessionize...
To secessioneer, to secedate,

or whatever the hell...

- To carry out a secession.
- Almost.

We still need
a helicopter and minesweeper.

I found a submarine online,

from a Ukrainian guy.

It costs more because it's yellow.

Take down that poster, Alfredo.
It's water under the bridge.

- It annoys me.
- But we came so close.

If it weren't for baldan the dope,

you'd be on capitol hill now.

People were stupid enough
to fall for his slogan:

"If you pay taxes you're a chump".
Why state the obvious '?

Arresting illegal immigrants
before they come here was clever.

I had the same idea,

there's always rivalry over bullshit.

To be honest,

your idea for a link road
from my house to yours

didn't deflect popular discontent,

Alfredo I when they realize
that the link road is fundamental,

they'll beg Rodolfo favaretto
for forgiveness.

And you know what
Rodolfo favaretto will do '?

- He'll tell them to piss off!
- Right.

What” we do with these guys '?

I'll take them.

They'll be the caucus
for caulking my walls.

- Later, Alfredo.
- Bye, Rodolfo.

Move it I

move it, hurry.
Time is ticking, chop-chop I

pino, welcome back.

Morning, Lance-corporal.

Upper Marina:
Maximum security prison

I have everything I need,

but it's a waste, attorney.

I could do more for people outside.

I told the judge that.

But he says that's
not much of a defense.

Attorney, they sequestered
my belongings and arrested me

just because I'm tied to the mafia '?

- Apparently, that's enough.
- Tied, my foot I

the last person I tied up was Jasmine,
did I forget to untie her '?

- Check out my set-up.
- Looking good, bye.

- Cetto!
- Finally I

- took you long enough.
- I had to bust my butt to get arrested.

If I hadn't beaten up that old lady,
I'd still be free.

Where's justice when you need it '?

So slow.

- Will you stay a while '? - A few months.
- Just robbery, assault and battery.

How stingy I

I'll come back as soon as I get out.

There are lots of old ladies to Rob.

Now, about the date of your trial...
The da suggested

the 22nd of this month.

The 22nd '? Indeedly not.

The 25th '?

Othennise it'll be next month.
Wednesday the 10th '?

Wednesdays are game days.

How about the 16th '?

That's St. cetto day I
thusly, out of the question.

My barber comes on Tuesday,
Friday it might rain,

the only day left is Sunday.

Sunday, that's my last offer.

- Courts are closed on sundays.
- They can't on Sunday '?

What a pity, I'm heartbroken.

- Tell them I'm heartbroken.
- Good morning.

Cetto, you're looking snazzy,
god bless you.

Mr. Surveyor,
how are things outside '?

It'd be easier if we were all inside.

Two days for me just to get
your signature on documents.

The administration doesn't work,
it isn't organized.

It causes the system to suffer.

- I say: Everyone in or everyone out I
- you're right.

Capitol hill moves in slow motion...

Forgeddaboutit I

enough with the fucking flames I

do something,
throw the pasta water on it I

This is the house.

Wait here, I shouldn't be long.

- Mom!
- Frengo, how are you '?

I was better before coming here. You '?

My heart is broken into tiny shreds,
my time has come.

I won't last much longer.

- You're not dying, are you '?
- Who knows I

what's this poster about '?

- You've been nominated for elections.
- Who nominated me '?

Me I I made
so many sacrifices for you.

Want me to die disappointed '?

Say the word and I'll die.

I wish it were that easy.
Was I elected at least '?

Almost. Your vote was missing.

How's Maria assunta maddalena '?

- She hasn't moved '?
- She hasn't moved I

she's been that way since I left.

- She's very devoted.
- Maybe too devoted.

Practically obsessed.

- How are you Maria
assunta maddalena '? - Eh...

Always "eh" I
the only syllable she knows.

She made a vow.

Hands together
and no nail Polish.

Since you're well,

- my taxi is outside waiting...
- I haven't seen you in three years I

spend a little more time with me.

Fine, make me your special coffee.

Already done.

Eh!

Aren't you marcello,
the butcher's son '?

Why are you dressed up as a cop '?

You're wanted
for trafficking 200 kg of cannabis.

More like 250 kg.

What if it was for personal use '?

I realize it's not a modest amount,

but it's enough for a long weekend.

It's a long stretch
from good Friday to easter Monday.

I'm a staunch environmentalist.

Mom, what the fuck is that '?

Don't swear I it's holy water.

What the fuck, mom...

- Shut up and keep walking I
- always a pleasure to see you.

Too many potholes, come on I

that last pothole
busted yet another oil pan I

crappy road I

uto, replace it with a new one.

And you, go caulk,
round-the-clock.

No Superman?

Wagner, Superman didn't make it,
he was swallowed by a foreigner.

Why didn't you make up a lie '?

Like what '?

Superman is in therapy
because his super dick broke '?

- You're insensitive.
- Life is insensitive.

You and Wagner need to realize
the world is mean.

Be thankful you can sit here all day
and watch TV.

I go around with a mime
who never speaks.

What is it '?

Rodolfo...

Let's go out tonight.
We never do anything.

Let's get a pizza or see a movie.

Gianna, who said it's a requirement
for you to have fun '?

You're right,

that's true.

Fine, cookie.

I'll take you to the bowling alley...
Parking lot.

Not the bowling alley
parking lot again I

giannal

when I build a link road between
upper brachetto and lower brachetto,

I'll take you to the movies
twice a day, all right '?

Now what '? The mime.

What is it '?

Off we go.

What's wrong, Mr. Architect '?

I'm a foreman, not an architect.

An inspector came by

and said we didn't apply
for a building permit.

I'll apply for one in his face.

Inspector I
I'm applying for a building permit.

He banged his head, he's dead.

Dead '?

Weigh him down with bricks
or his body will surface.

It's clear you've had no schooling,

blacks don't float, they sink.

Their bones weigh more.

Ever seen blacks floating in a pool '?
Never.

Okay, off we go.

Make it quick.

One, two...

Threel

you really messed up this time,
I want nothing to do with it.

These guys aren't numbered,
they're invisible in Italy.

Let's go finish up the exterior
of my house. Off we go.

There's been a misunderstanding.

Blackie wasn't dead,
he was swimming.

Ever seen a dead man swim '?
Give me a break I

I pay taxes, not every year,
but I've paid occasionally.

Please, this is a misunderstanding.

We threw blackie in the water
because he was dusty.

Now that we've cleared things up,
can I go '?

Please I it's not what you think I

- mom, just one question.
- Molfetta, prison -

- why have me arrested '?
- Because I love you.

And now I can see you more often.

- Aren't you happy I love you '?
- No, I'm not happy you love me.

You need to stay here, near your mom.

Plus, prison is like martyrdom.

- You're earning points.
- What points '?

Maria assunta maddalena,
tell her she's nuts I

you nominated me, got me arrested,
threw water at me...

- What do you want '?
- I want...

You to be beatified.

Beatified '? But I'm not dead yet.

I want you to be beatified
while alive.

Impossible.

Plus, I'm stuck here
for 6 years, forget beatification.

And if you're miraculously
freed sooner '?

Well in that case,
if we're talking about miracles,

I'll be beatified while alive,
I'll reform the church,

I'll pave the way to the third
millennium on a cosmic wave

but then you have to promise me
a huge miracle:

- You'll leave me alone.
- Pmmbe

lower brachetto:
M.L. King penal institution

Hey, guys.

- You look great.
- Need money? - No.

Atta girl.

- How's the tot '?
- He didn't feel like coming.

He was afraid.

I brought his report card,
all a's and b's.

- Just one d, in Italian.
- Italian's an outdated language.

Are we going to secede or not '?

We're trying.

But your arrest
was a big blow to our cause.

- Understand '?
- Oh...

Enough talk about work.

We have a surprise I

remember Ahmed,
the blackie you threw in the water '?

- Even if I wanted to,
how could I forget '? - He's here.

Ahmedl

come, dear.

- They finally arrested him '?
- No. He's here for you.

He forgave you. The attorney said
this could help your case.

- You forgave me '?
- Yes.

I didn't I

that'll teach you to float
when I expected you to sink.

Guys, get him out of here, please I

just my luck,
the one black who can float...

Knock it off with that ball I

pino, I'm supposed to do 10 km
on this fucking bike.

I've almostly completed one.

- Will you do the rest?
- Gladly, cetto.

Mayl'?

No problem.

- Come in. - Good evening.
- Mr. Mcwhoever '?

That would indeedly be me.

Nice to meet you, his excellency
sent me to thank you

for not talking... I mean, singing.

No problem,
I find singing ratherly unpleasant.

Yes, well, as I was saying,

his excellency sent me as...

Essentially, I am...

An escort.

Escort?

No, thanks.

Tell his excellency I thank him,

but what I really need is a whore.

Thanks all the same.

Anyhowly, bye.

Pino, wait I

- sorry.
- Go ahead.

Exactly.

- To err is human...
- Get busy.

- Good morning.
- Pino, what time is it?

Noon, it's early.

Sorry about yesterday,
I didn't understand what you said.

I thought you'd said something ugly
like report or court...

It's sad to see youths
use such ugly words.

«update: The murder
of three parliamentarians»

appears to be a settling of scores.»

«the government now totters
with a narrow majority.»

look, he has a 357 Magnum
parabellum in his hand.

An unfailing gun.

Looks like it failed to me.
The guy holding it is ratherly dead.

«who'll replace the parliamentarians?»

totally dead.

«these are tragic hours for...»

- his excellency the undersecretary I
- miscreant I

one thing is certain,
despite these tragic losses,

the government will charge
straight ahead nonetheless.

- Enough, he'll ruin my appetite I
- miscreant I

politicians are
endangered species nowadays.

Leave, pino.

- I could use something sweet now...
- Enjoy.

Palace of politics:
Council of ministers

we must act quickly,

we must put three more in place,
or we'll lose our majority

and the government will collapse I

how did these people get on the list,
through a raffle?

Now's no time to discuss that.

- Know any of them?
- One, unfortunately.

He was number six on the list
of non-electees from the northeast.

And he was nine in the south,
but he's a fugitive abroad.

- So what, who are we to judge?
- I'm not judging anyone,

but this
parliamentarian carnage is trouble.

We'll settle for these three,
we have no other choice.

- We have to get them out.
- What do you mean?

Get them out of their respective
penal institutions.

They're in prison?
They're convicts?

They were convicts,
we'll turn them into parliamentarians.

- How'll we get them out?
- Handle it.

- You're the minister of justice.
- Impossible.

Presumption of innocence prevails.

- Even in prison?
- Even in prison.

And as parliamentarians, they have
the right to parliamentary immunity.

Get them out,
I'll handle the rest.

I'll transform them
into model parliamentarians.

Who cares about models,
they just need to follow our orders.

That goes without saying.

In the end, there's just one model.

My assistant is already fetching
them from their penal institutions

to bring them directly here to Rome.

The first is in a calabrian prison,

for collusion with the mafia.

He's the sharpest and boldest,
we must be careful with him.

- Can I have this as a souvenir
of you? - Take what you want,

but I'll see you in a few days.

- I doubt it, I hit an old lady.
- I'll talk to the attorney.

We'll say that she provoked you.

- That's what justice is for.
- My hand I

and the northern guy,
the newcomer.

One last thing before I forget:

Dumbass. And watch what you say,

or I'll report you for verbally
assaulting a parliamentarian.

Shutupl

that's right.

He's the most inflexible,

but I know how to maneuver him.

The third is the most naive
a complete nutcase who's harmless.

- May I ask a personal question?
- Yes, sir.

Got any rolling papers?

Bummer, you're
against bumming papers.

I guarantee that in no time

they will be ready for their roles.

Look, the famous rubble
from the phoenician bombs.

If you don't mind me saying,
those are Roman walls.

- I'm an mp, who might you be?
- A chauffeur.

Thusly... that's rubble
from the phoenician bombs

which should be razed and rebuilt.

As soon as I set foot in parliament,
I'll see to it no doubtly.

A chauffeur who thinks
he's Indiana Jones I

Do you understand why you're here?

- Kind of. - No.
- Just one question.

- You were nominated too?
- My mom nominated me in absentia.

- The lowest of low, I see.
- So now what?

Now you are parliamentarians
of the Italian republic.

The parliament opens its doors to you.

- When do we start?
- You take office in a few days.

And to think that I...
Underestimated this country.

Will we be housed in Rome,
or beyond the link road?

In the heart of the capital.

You will have remarkable salaries,
assistants, lackeys,

travel allowances,
luxurious pied-a-terre,

paid vacations, life annuities,

discounts, and complimentary tickets.

But in exchange you must be
devoted to your duty.

Is that clear?

To make sure he understood,
what's that mean?

You'll have to vote as you're told

every time you're told to.

- This is fundamental.
- Even I understood that.

- So we just have to vote?
- Just vote.

Sounds like a reasonable deal.

Colleagues, your savoir-faire
comes from the penitentiary,

most politicians can't boast the same,
do yourselves proud.

May the best man win.

Best? You mean the least worst.

The keys of the villa

the undersecretary has given you.

Your family is waiting for you inside.

- Will there be anything else?
- No, thanks. All set.

A nice tip
for our intellectual chauffeur.

- Got any change?
- No.

Too bad, no tip.

Bye-bye I

melol carmelal

carmenl melol

what an amazing hairdryer:
It dries without ruffling.

My hairdresser, Melina,
recommended it.

Melina so many memories I

- what memories?
- What memories...

Of her doing your hair.

You're ratherly beautiful
when your hair is done.

- Inthatcase“.
- Dadl-mebl

- octopus.
- Dad I

- how are you?
- Swell, dad.

I've almost finished recording
my new album.

I can't decide on the title.

"Love at dawn"
or "love at dusk"?

"Love for hire" is more sincere.

A poet I

it's me, the authentic northerner
in Rome, favaretto.

Put the link road
scale model into the pick-up

and race down here to Rome.

Cousin? Nonsense I

that's out of the question.
You're my guest.

I have tons
of rooms Alfredo, I'm an mp.

Don't be late.

Good evening, mp.

- Ask for my key, please.
- Why me?

I don't trust him.

- Mr. Favaretto's key, please.
- Right away.

Here you go.

Mr. Favaretto, you're a racist.

And who isn't?

With all due respect,
how can we blend blacks and whites?

Do you want gray kids? I don't.

- Where do you come from?
- If he's black, he's black.

That's his color.
Want me to call a black "dark blue"?

Or should I call him purplish,
a hematoma?

Se e nero... e nero.

Did you know that some blacks
can float? I didn't.

The world is full
of people of different colors.

- Have you ever traveled abroad?
- No.

I like to shit in my own country.

What a parvenu I

mp stoppato?

Welcome, would you like
a smoking or non-smoking suite?

Sorry, is there
a comedy convention here?

How about a live-in fireplace
or a fully-furnished ashtray?

That's my suite I

"smoking or non-smoking?"
Is there a funny festival here?

You're a-ok.
Did you smoke the hard drives?

- Thanks.
- You're a-ok.

Utol

I can't see you through the phone I

put Gianna on.

Is that supposed to mean yes?

Giannal I'm in Rome.

I'm a parliamentarian.

Did you read it in the newspaper?

Are you happy? I'm happy, too I

next time I'll come home
via the link road.

Gianna, give a big hug to our tot.

Bye.

Mayl?

Thank you.

Go ahead, mp.

Look who's here,
I brought your aunts I

my soon-to-be beatified son I

who told you I was here?
Actually, I'd rather not know.

- Why are you here?
- Silly question...

We're working full speed ahead.
Open suitcase one and two.

- Voila! - Did you Rob
the Vatican gift shop?

What are all these trinkets for?

We're doing business.

As soon as you're beatified, your
aunts and I will open a franchise.

- A bit premature.
- No I

come on

don't hog up the joys
of beatification for yourself.

I have to get ready,
parliament awaits me.

Speaking of which,
open suitcase three.

- Nice, isn't it?
- Very chic I

no, it's too much.

- You're so elegant.
- How handsome.

Don't shame me by going around
dressed like a pauper.

I can't go to parliament
dressed like Elton John.

It's "heavenly blue".

- You're an mp now, you should wow.
- That rhymes I

mom, I'll be beatified,
you'll open a franchise,

free Maria assunta maddalena
from the spell,

but you must disappear forever,
promise? - Promise.

- But wear the heavenly blue.
- No I

get out, all of you I
get out, go get a drink.

Listen...
Scribe, or whatever your name is...

You're a journalist
so I'll dictate and you write.

Actually, I need to write an article
on why you were arrested.

Whatever, start writing.

Justice has been served, period.

De santis, the miscreant,
and my main accuser,

made everything up.

For years he molested minors

and had homosexual relations

with a dozen
of his and others' cousins.

But that's not true.

That's not true I
you're no pulitzer prize winner,

Mr. Watergate I

just write.
This is modern-day journalism.

And publish it tomorrow in your name.

- The undersecretary is here.
- Chill out.

So we have an agreement?

- Why aren't you in parliament today?
- It's tradition.

I never show up on the first day:

For school, for my trials...

I didn't even sleep with my wife
on the first day of our marriage.

Good ol' scribe I

let's go see this undersecretary.

I said to get a drink,
not to drink my green tea I

not my green tea, ladies I

it's not "zero impact" I

- Morning. - We have
an encounter with destiny.

- Ready to make history?
- I was born ready I

all right, Alfredo!

I'm late, I have to go.

- Take a drive around Rome
but don't stop. - Fine.

Do yourself proud.

- Kiss?
- No.

Kiss I kiss I kiss I

Palace of politics:
Parlamentarian hall

Excuse me, we need to use this.

I'm sorry. Colleagues,

can I have your attention?

Attention, please. Come here.

Attention I

with this scale model
I officially announce

the resurgence of major public works.

It's my honor to show you

a project that will start soon:

The brachetto-padua-venice-udine
link road.

- What for? - To connect
brachetto a padova, venezia e udine.

A monumental project that will make
the strait of messina bridge

nothing but a memory of the past.

With what money will it be built?

We don't even have money
to fix potholes.

It will build itself.

To offset the missing funds,

we'll make cuts: Vertical, horizontal
or oblique if necessary.

We don't even have scissors
to make cuts anymore.

- Careful, or someone will cut us I
- silence I

thanks to this monumental project,

upper and lower brachetto
will join Europe,

a small step for Italy,
but a giant leap for mankind.

All we have to do
is chop down a forest,

raze farmlands,
knock down some palladian villas,

drain two canals, drill through
three mountains,

and move a hospital.

But we will not touch one warehouse.

Because progress must not be stopped.

Be quiet I

dear colleagues,
let us unite in nature.

Express a wish.

But don't ask for another hit,
these are sample goods.

Frengo gives, frengo takes.
Inhale slowly or you'll get wasted.

- Look at mp...
- Manfredonia.

He smoked himself into a daze,

he looks like a Jamaican.

- Sirs, no smoking.
- Says who, Europe?

No smoking.

- Undersecretary.
- Mcwhoever, my friend I

I'd like to take this occasion
to thank you.

I consider you a hero.

Not everyone could withstand

a courtroom full of ferocious judges.

But you did

and you stoically
never mentioned my name.

- I appreciate it and will not forget.
- Neither will I.

Anyhowly, thanks for coming.

I'm in debt to you

to celebrate
your political debut in Rome

here is a token of my appreciation
worthy of your new role.

- I believe I've got your tastes
down pat. - Thanks.

I'd like to ask a small favor.

- Have pino released from prison.
- Your right-hand man?

I don't think that will be possible,

- we've already...
- It's ratherly important for me,

a parliamentarian needs an aide,
and I need pino.

I don't sing, but I have a nice voice,

if a melody comes to mind...

We'll see what can be done.

- Can he be released tonight?
- That would be too soon.

We mustn't attract attention.
Perhaps tomorrow morning.

- Palace of politics -
god created the universe.

In the first 7 days.

Then he rested
for a few billion years.

Rumor has it he was bored to death,

then one afternoon,

god created man
in his image and likeness.

We all ask ourselves
the same important question:

What do we see after death?

What if there were just a huge mall?

Who are we, where do we come from?
Anyone got a light?

Sirs, what are you doing?

- This is the house of the lord.
- Sorry.

I didn't see a name
on the doorbell.

Favaretto is making a scene,
he showed up with a scale model.

No, no journalists.

There's also an issue with stoppato...

I think he's using drugs
in the chapel.

I know, it's unheard of
as well as illegal.

Legality isn't the issue here,
opportunity is.

If we were to worry about legality,
we'd be paralyzed.

The real issue
is to not attract attention.

We need the utmost discretion.

Luigi, hold my room for me
because I'll be back.

- Bye I - bye pino I
come back soon I

to Rome!

Rome's not so bad.

The first day of work
lasted about an hour.

Now I have three days off,
know what we'll do?

- Head north and go home.
- We'll go see Gianna.

And we'll break ground
for the link road, too.

- Happy?
- Thrilled. Double snap.

Triple.

- Shithead I - dickhead I

how good to see you.

I was released immediately
for probation, expiration...

Or commutation

- I don't know. - I know, pino.
It's all about singing...

You've had enough time to rest.
Time for politics now.

Right away?

Vatican: Papal audience

Excuse me, when can we go in?

We've been waiting 3 hours.

- My aunts are hypoglycemic.
- I told you 100 times.

Appointments are made
years in advance.

My son the mp
is almost beatified.

Don't you think
he should be given precedence?

Then don't protest
if people become protestants...

Fine, we'll go.

Goodbye I

what a pity, because I am the mp

who wants to make donations

to the catholic church obligatory.

What a real pity, we'll leave.

We're leaving...

Let him in I

Guys, can you feel me?

Sir, I feel you within my heart,
within my soul.

I sensed that the escort
I sent you in prison

wasn't exactly to your liking.

You won't be disappointed this time.

I'm sending you
third republic sex I

with gratitude and affection,
your undersecretary.

Third republic sex I
we've made it to the big league I

Cetto, her majesty the beaver I

have fun I

The big man and I are buddies.

He seemed open
to my ideas for reforming the church.

You asked his holiness
to reform the church?

I mentioned an encyclical,
a friendly council, embellishments.

- Embellishments?
- Constructive criticism.

Let's be honest,
it's not working as it is.

These matters must not be
approached with superficiality.

- We'll talk some other time.
- Yes, you're a-ok.

I wanted to ask some advice:
For beatification while alive,

- what documentation would I need?
- Beatification while alive?

While dead would be less fun.

I'd rather be alive.
The pope seemed open to the idea.

He seemed intrigued by it.

Excuse me, I must go now.

I've got some girls whose hormones
you could make peppered mussels with.

I need to speak to the undersecretary.

No I - what happened?

Relax, folks.

It's just a friend of mine
with his lady friend.

He's rattling her, he's shaping her.

He's changing her personality.

Excuse me.

Cetto! Cetto!

Pino!

- What is it?
- Yourfriend punched me.

He ruined me.

My name is vittorio anastasio.
I'm a iadyboy.

- Awhat?
- I'm a man.

I'm a man I

pino, cut it off.
This hand doesn't deserve to live.

Why?

Pino, cut it off. Cut it off, pino I

shoot it.

It touched that thing, understand?

- You shoot it, cetto I
- this hand doesn't deserve...

You do it, pino!

This hand doesn't deserve to live.

He touched it...

Too bad your son
is at his grandparents'.

Alfredo, we'll sneak in
through the back

and surprise her.

Good evening.

See you I

Gianna...

I thought you were suffering
from loneliness.

The TV broke.

I see.

Why did the third guy
have two pillows?

Never mind.

- Off we go.
- Yes, that would be best.

Three is too many, too many.

I can't take it.

- Pino!
- Eh.

National politics is disappointing,
it's not what I expected.

I'm going to take sick leave,
because I'm sick.

Last night I reached
the lowest level of depravation.

- I did a horrible thing.
- What?

I felt up my wife.

- Did you...
- Relax, I didn't go through with it.

- Dad I - melo, quiet.

Quiet, melo, no shouting.
You know I loathe enthusiasm.

Sorry, dad. Hi, mom. Hi, pino.

I auditioned for that TV show.

When I told them I was your son,
I got the gig.

- Herbal tea.
- I'll be singing on TV. Primetime I

good job, melo.

If they didn't let you sing, I'd sing.
They chose the lesser evil.

Dad, this is chiara.

Our backup singer.

She only lip-syncs but she's got skill.

- Nice to meet you, Mr. Mcwhoever.
- Nice, indeedly.

Impressive, melo.

- Can I ask you a favor?
- Anything you want.

Herbal tea.

Have her strut back and forth.

- No speaking, just lip-synching.
- Move it chiara, walk.

Nothing, I feel nothing.

- Flatline.
- What's wrong, dad?

Nothing, melo.

- Bye-bye. Bye to you too, thanks.
- Bye, dad I

bye, pino I

- have some herbal tea.
- What's gotten into you?

React I put down that herbal tea
and do something.

Yes, pino.

- I have to do something,
and so do you. - What?

- Mind your fucking business.
- All right, cetto.

I can't take it.

Maybe you're right,
let's go back into politics.

- Call the jasmines, dial that number.
- That's more like it I

- fuckety fuck I
- I'll call asap.

Mayl?

Put that away and listen carefully,
mp stoppato.

The government is highly ashamed
of your behavior.

I've put my neck on the line for you
and you've disappointed me.

I just made a friendly suggestion,

the church is too complex.
I like to simplify things.

With a tweak here and there,
we could have...

The church has been this way
for 2,000 years.

Mp stoppato, you could use
a friendly suggestion, not the church.

From a veritable expert
on the topic.

A theologian whose presence
has also bettered my life.

The hours you spend with him
will make your doubts melt away.

Eminence,
I happen to be very busy right now.

- Once I'm free, I'd gladly talk to him.
- Our theologian...

- Is here.
- Father...

I'd like to introduce
mp frengo stoppato.

Mp, I've heard so much about you.

Don't believe what people say,
in real life I'm quite charming,

at times even ovenivhelming.

You may go now,

you have lots to talk about.

Hold on, me and him?

- Is that really a good idea?
- It's an excellent idea.

- Go on.
- Me and you?

You seem sad.
You've not laughed since 1982.

Want an organic treat?

You've always said that you liked
candy and not the wrapper.

Why did you request sexy clothes?

No questions, undress slowly,
but be quick, it's getting dark.

Okay I

the jasmines I
I'm so glad you're here.

The more I look at you
the more I realize I like genuine

whorish women.

- Thanks, cetto.
- We'll consider that a compliment.

Yes, keep at it I like that I

hear me out father, the problem
isn't if there's life after death,

- but if there's life before death.
- Of course there's life before death.

You've clearly never seen
my town after sunset.

Not even theology holds water there.

That's not a form of life,
it's a form of primitive vegetation.

God created life and suffering,

haven't we over-estimated him?
And then I ask myself...

- Let's drop the formalities.
- Okay.

- You're a theologian, right?
- Yes.

- Can I call you Theo?
- My name's paolo, but Theo's fine.

Great cigarettes,
I haven't smoked in ages.

Inhale slowly then.

They're organic but not "zero impact".

- Where are they sold?
- Nowhere yet.

I'm trying to pull strings
in parliament to get a license.

But as of now,
the majority seems a bit oblique.

- I see.
- I doubt it.

Nothing's happening?
Check again, look closely.

Nothing?

Did you look everywherely?

Check again.

Nothing, absolutely nothing?

Nothing?

Take one last look, please.

Concentrate,
I'm talking about my family.

My sister spends her life
on her knees at the window

since my mom convinced her
archangel Gabriel would show up.

Even you can understand that
she'll never marry like that I

I've lost the train of thought.

It's normal, inhale slowly.

Did you ever marry?
Oh right, you're not allowed to.

I'm against priests marrying too,

they should just date.

Casual flirting, amorous anarchy.

Theo, you nut I
you have quite the gut I

you have quite the gut I

- having a good time?
- Amazing I

Jasmines.

Promise that my momentary issue
will not leave this room.

- Did you understand?
- You've told us three times already.

- We won't tell anyone, trust us.
- No one, all right?

No one.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You were a stud as usual.

You set off fireworks as always,
we love doing it with you.

- Not for money.
- Don't tell anyone, got it?

We won't tell anyone.

To sum up...

If god is the father and the son,

does he shout at himself at times?

Theo, can you hear me?
Theo, concentrate.

Come back ashore,
I told you to inhale slowly I

you've done the breast stroke
for 30 minutes.

It's amazing,
I'm having an amazing time.

- Isn't it a great afternoon?
- It's amazing I

I'm having an amazing time.

- Swim freestyle.
- Sure I

do the butterfly stroke too,
be a butterfly, Theo I

you look like a giant chrysalis.

Bye-bye, mum's the word.

Sophie,
you'll never believe what happened.

We had an appointment
with cetto mcwhoever.

Yes, in a hotel.

- But this may sound crazy, but...
- He couldn't get it up I

- he couldn't get it up I
- he couldn't get it up I

he couldn't get it up I

The secession we will do I
all together we will fight I

I can understand loneliness,
but three is too many, too many I

- quit drinking and react.
- I have reacted.

Gianna's dead to me now.
I've forgotten her, ask me...

- "Who's Gianna?"
- Please...

- Ask me who is Gianna I
- who's Gianna?

A damn slut I
but I've forgotten her, okay?

Let's focus on politics.

Want secession? I'll handle it.

When one door closes
another door opens I

- slut I - not again I

- filthy pig I - poor thing.

How can I put this?

Mp mcwhoever can't make it,
he's busy.

Someone else can vote for him,

he can't make it today.

All right, sorry.

Bye, miss assistant. Bye-bye.

- What is it?
- The usual bullshit.

The undersecretary's assistant
wanted you to vote...

She said if you didn't vote,
they'd be on their knees.

Geez, I can't vote everyday.

I'm busy, parliament can wait.

Let them be on their knees,
different positions are good.

I'm going to take a nap.

Cetto, no. Give it a try.

A good friend of mine
recommended her.

He said this psychologist...

Is the best in Rome.

I'm not going to see a psychologist.

- Did he die recently?
- Who?

- Your grandpa.
- That's Freud.

Whatever his name is...

Anyhowly, is he your mother's
or father's father?

Neither, he's Sigmund Freud,
the father of psychoanalysis.

- So he's your father I
- let's carry on.

If you won't talk about that woman,

talk about your childhood.

I didn't have a childhood,
I was too busy.

I don't understand,
let's go back to the start.

You said you met
a very particular woman.

Particular in what sense?

Doctor, particular...

Not a standard woman,
that's all I will say.

Did this woman
have a physical defect?

A huge, giant physical defect.

- And what was this defect?
- I don't remember,

but it was indeedly bad.

You're a psychologist,
can't you guess?

I'm a psychologist, not a psychic.

Can you at ieastly
tell me something scientific?

- Sure.
- Okay.

If it's bigger than 20...
22 centimeters...

Can it still be considered a clitoris?

Ten-hut I

Not again I these aren't marines.

- They're yellow smurfs.
- The Chinese are small but ballsy.

Give them time, they'll chew up
everything like locusts.

- Unless...
- What?

Try to keep up with me,
I'm a seasoned politician.

In order to stop the Chinese
you must stop China.

In order to stop China,
do what Italians do.

We must export
union leaders to China.

With our union leaders, they won't last
two years, they'll be powerless.

- I think I understand.
- I don't, whatsoeverly.

I have the feeling we're almost there.

Explain what you mean
by "big problem".

I don't have a problem.

Excuse me, doctor...

Are you pino?

What an interesting question...

Am I pino?

Am I pino?

Fuckety fuck I

- What is it?
- Touch me again and I'll kill you.

- What?
- Relax, it was a bad dream.

- Get dressed, miscreant I
- no, miscreant no I

- pino!
- Fine, miscreant.

What a horrible thing I

well, Mr. Mcwhoever,
your dream speaks clearly.

We were looking for a problem,
but in actuality, there is no problem.

Right, I thought so,
there's no problem.

- Goodbye.
- No, listen... your dream

has cleared up all doubts.

You're merely homosexual.

What happened? What did you say?

I told him I think he's homosexual.

Upper brachetto: City council

thank you I thanks so much I

friends, fellow citizens, colleagues.

I'm so happy to be here
that I'm lost for words.

I'm touched I

favaretto, you're number one I

you're embarrassing me.

I haven't been in parliament long.

We're working to enhance this area.

Work is but a distant memory
around here.

So I officially propose
that we secessioneer...

Secessionize, secedate,
or whatever from Italy I

thanks to the referendum
I called for this morning,

we can decide if we want
to stay in Italy orjoin...

Mighty Austria I

We must vote first.

Just outside,
behind the cornmeal stand,

there's a box where you can express
your preference.

Personally, I'm in favor of Austria.

- I don't know about you...
- I'm in favor of Austria too I

my old friend giacometto

had a lovely cockerel.

When its beak moves to sing

you can't help but fall in love...

- Vatican halls -
is it real leather?

I considered a career in the church
for my son,

but instead we opted
for a fast-track beatification.

Fast-track beatification?

What a great outbuilding.

How's the property tax on it?

- Excellency?
- I need a sip of soda.

Thanks for being here.

Media friends... friends...

- Press office -
we're here to present

an unprecedented event
in the history of Italy.

The amicable secession.

- The boot will become a moccasin.
- Is this a joke?

The most traditional of families:
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary.

Excellency, excuse me.

Speaking of traditional families,
just one tiny clarification.

Mary is a teen mom
who had a son out of wedlock,

her partner isn't the child's father.

The birthfather never came fonnard,

and apparently was homeless.

So Joseph, a good man,
recognized Mary's son as his own

and decided to raise him
with the woman he loves.

You call that traditional?

Sorry, just food for thought.

The construction of
the brachetto-padua-Vienna link road

will pave the road to reunification

with our beloved motherland: Austria.

Is this a joke

or will Austria
actually annex a northern town?

Children should be born
from the love between man and woman

not from a test-tube.
Long live Mary I

excuse me, excellency,
friends, colleagues.

Mary's not the best ambassador
against artificial insemination.

You're shooting yourself in the foot I

she's the most striking example
of artificial insemination.

I'm just saying,
chew on that for a minute.

I am holding a parchment
found in a barn along the brenta,

which confirms
that we are full-fledged Austrians.

Though faded, we can still make out
field marshal radetzky's signature.

Please speak to the undersecretary
about this today.

This is unacceptable,

that man belongs to your coalition.

Understand, mp fumagalli?

- Piss off I
- quiet, listen up I

the die is cast,

brachetto is Austrian I

we're going back home.
Long live Von metternich I

long live emperor Franz I I

- Council of ministers -
colleagues and friends

you know I hate losing.

Instead of admitting defeat,

I'd rather have
a tooth extracted without anesthesia.

But I acted carelessly,
and now I must set things right.

Okay, how will you tackle this?

The three loose cannons
must be stopped,

we underestimated them.

My plan is already undennay,
their hours are numbered.

- How will you stop them?
- It's rather simple.

Arrest warrants have been requested,

we'll vote and toss them back
where they came from.

This came for you.

It's nothing, just an arrest warrant.

Put it in my arrest warrant album.

- It might be important.
- Indeedly, it is.

- Is it the ninth I've gotten?
- Yes.

With the tenth, I get a mountain bike.

Leave, Carmen.

I can't take it I

let me read this first.

Through the authorization
of the house...

It's an arrest warrant.
They want to arrest me I

harsh blow I

what is this?
Parliamentarians can't be arrested.

If mps vote in favor of the arrest,
we can indeedly be arrested.

That's why I've summoned you.

I'm afraid the majority will vote
in favor of your arrest.

This time we'll reach the majority

even without your vote, mcwhoever.

You brought us to our knees
the other day, you know.

- You call that a problem?
- No, it's "the" problem.

Trust me, in fact there is
a hostile wind blowing...

A dangerous wind.

Being the honest man I am,
I had to tell you the facts.

- Thanks, undersecretary.
- My pleasure.

Give him a coffee too, dimwit I

I can understand your anger,
I tried my best to save you.

I fought, I threatened,

but to no avail.

They were intransigent.

He even handed in his resignation.
But it was denied.

I didn't want this detail to leak out,
but what's done is done.

As you can see,
I did all I could but to no effect.

- Today is a horrible day for me.
- It's more horrible for us.

Well, undersecretary.

If that's the case then I'll take up

that singing career I mentioned.

I have a catchy refrain in mind.

Are you absolutely sure
that would be a good idea?

It might worsen the situation,

or rather, worsen your conviction.

Here's my advice, take some time off.

And in a few years,
we'll come back together.

Now if you'll excuse me,
it's been a very strenuous day.

Let's keep in touch, all right?

Take your 4 o'clock pills.

Palace of politics: Parliament

Commencement
of parliament session 427

to discuss and deliberate
the authorization of the arrests

of mps favaretto,
mcwhoever, and stoppato.

Let the discussion begin.

We now give the floor
to mp favaretto.

Dear friends and colleagues,
listen up.

We three men who stand before you
still have some dignity.

I myself, personally,

being practically an Austrian citizen...

Do not identify with this hall
or with this constitution.

Is that clear? I am viennese I

fellow mps, silence I

dear friends, colleagues, clients...

Here before you stands
a soon-to-be beatified man,

who thus, does not fear prison.

Once beatified, I'll have the power
to excommunicate,

so I can't help but wonder:
Will I be able to control myself?

And for your information,
the holy father and I...

Let it be known he invited me for tea,

and I'll be bringing the tea I

do you feel it's right to send
the pope's heir apparent to prison?

Sirs, vote conscientiously,

and settle your tabs.

I'm referring to mps
manfredonia and rignanese.

This may be parliament,
but nobody smokes for free.

Nobody smokes for free I

and now we'll give the floor
to mcwhoever.

Dear sirs,

and very, very dear madams...

Today I decided to at lastly
set foot in parliament.

Sirs I

why have I caved in
to this giant pain in the ass?

So I could look you all in the face,
one by one.

I am done with politics,
politics has disappointed me.

Moreoverly,
one man disappointed me:

The miscreant who's anything
but excellency, the undersecretary.

My dear undersecretary,

I never sang about you,
but my voice has come back,

let the overture begin I

do you know who the undersecretary is?
Let me tell you.

He's a stinking, rotten,
good-for-nothing bastard I

don't interrupt him I

he's digging his own grave.

Do you know what happened
to cicillo fanazza, aka fluffy,

because he barked
when he killed people?

Do you know happened
to daniele cutr'i, aka two,

because the poor illiterate
would count to two before killing?

Do you know what happened
to gino spambato,

Arturo foffo, ciccio catania,
ninni cortese and santuccio calabro?

They disappeared three years ago,
the undersecretary killed them I

silence I

sirs, silence please I

hush I

he awarded them bids
in exchange for bribes.

But when he got word
that one of them had betrayed him,

the undersecretary wanted revenge.

Since the name on the note
wasn't clear,

it was stained with sauce,

just to be safe, the undersecretary
had them all killed I

bastard I

rotten bastard I

- miscreant I
- let's take him away.

I have two more words for you,
simple words:

Urbi et orbi... up yours I

Fuckety fuck I

silence please, mps.

Alfredo, it's time.

Off we go, we have no other choice.

Come on I

602 votes in favor, 3 opposed.

The arrest is authorized.

Who are you, where are you going?

We're accountants and bookkeepers.

We're going to Albania
in search of work.

I see.

Six months later

Brothers,
do you hear a celestial vibration?

An offensive and captivating sound?

- Are you sure?
- Yes I

then I don't hear it either. Mom I

let's go to
the all all nothing nothing party I

it's a link road to ease traffic.
Understand?

Linkos.

I never studied languages.

We'll chop down a few trees,
and cross the sea

to reach the nearest village.

Is there a nearest village?
We need an upper and lower village.

Abiding by the four cardinal points:
North, north-east,

north-west, north-north.

What is it?

Relax, pino I

he who is lost, finds the beaver I

you know, Dolores...
We tried to change Italy,

but it's an ungovernable country.

But by merely bending over
with your back to me,

you've given me
the urge to fight again.

One day we'll return and take back
what belongs to us,

because love always triumphs.

Todo todo nada nada

Gabriel, are you sure
this is the right place?

Don't worry, chickadee.
There's heaps of it here.

- Good heavens I
- green tea I green tea I

green tea I