Troop Zero (2019) - full transcript

Last summer, Mama gave me

this flashlight to signal the aliens.

She said, "Of course
there's life out there.

Now go outside."

But now it's just me and y'all,
the aliens of the universe,

so if you can hear me...

I am Christmas Flint, human female.

I think you'd like me.

I think you'd want to be my friend.

Dang it.

And I don't want no ketchup stains



- on those pages again.
- Yes, ma'am.

Mama believed that sound waves

travel out into the universe.

She said that if I ever got lonely,

I should just send my message out.

Joseph!

All right, give me the ball.

- Uh-huh.
- Here you go.

Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law.

- What it is, boss?
- What it is, boss.

Now, now, hold up, Joe Frank.
I'm your attorney.

Yeah, you got to listen to me.

Not about the property line now.

That is a big tractor, Joe Frank.



I'd advise you get out of the way.

This is legal advice.

You not hungry?

No, I'm talking to the dog.

Hey, I'm just trying to save your life.

That's the boss man.

He's my dad.

Damn it.

He's doing his best.

It ain't his fault he loses so much.

- Where are my pants?
- Since Mama died,

he's been losing everything.

Boss, when we're done talking,

you think our words travel
out into the universe forever?

I sure as heck hope not.

I swear...

I'm gonna pop somebody,
I don't get my damn money.

Miss Rayleen?

I got to go down,

take care of Joe Frank in Live Oak.

Where are your pants?

You 400 in the hole, and you talking

- about Joe Frank.
- Now, listen...

That's Miss Rayleen.

She's an intergalactic warrior.

You know what? You the boss,
but you a broke-ass boss.

But she crash-landed here,

working for my dad
instead of going to law school.

Ain't nothing wrong helping somebody.

Still,
she's the smartest person

- you're gonna meet.
- We can discuss this later.

I got to find my pants. You move my pants?

I don't have anything to do
with your pants.

Mr. Ramsey, hi. I can't pay you yet,

but I brought you some avocados.

- Avo-what?
- A-Avocados.

It's the good Lord's way
of saying "mayonnaise."

Huh?

Uh, we'll get your payment soon.

You don't need no mayonnaise.

You need some money. You know how much

you have in your bank account?

- I do. It ain't pretty.
- You pay... Th-Thank you, miss.

You pay her no mind.

- Everybody's doing their best.
- I'm going to the deck.

I'm doing my best
not to whup your ass.

Boss... h-hold up.

Got to make contact, though.

I know you ain't walking around
looking like that.

Take that off.

Look at that hair.

People gonna think
you were raised by wolves.

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ I'm the great defender... ♪

- What it is, boss?
- What it is, Dwayne.

What it is, Miss Rayleen?

If it ain't $200 for the petty theft,

- I don't want to hear it.
- That can wait.

I'm gonna need his services, actually.

Let's go. Prepare to fall out.

Joe Frank got himself
arrested again.

We got to go bail him out.

Hey, there are my pants. All right.

People ain't got no sense.

Boss, don't you touch
that hair! You'll mess it up!

You be a real sweet, go grab me a beer?

Now, I know you already
offered one to Mr. Dwayne.

- Isn't she sweet?
- Just like her mama.

I can't do it.

Hey. What the hell?

Why'd you say that?

Now, now, now, now, now, now.

Like this, boss.

That's how it go.

King of Beers. Clink it up.

King of Beers.

Mmm. Tell you what.

You don't back down till you
reach them aliens, huh?

Give me that.

Maybe they can come down here

and babysit or something.

Sir, yes, sir.

All right.

Uh, all right, come on, Fluffy.

Y'all have a good time.

- Whoop!
- Dwayne, fall out!

Miss Rayleen?

Can you help me get
my flashlight brighter?

You going up on that deck again?

Mm, I don't know.

Don't you have any girlfriends?

- I got you.
- Uh-uh.

I'm not a friend. I'm a grown-up.

Then I guess nah.

What about that little sparkly friend?

His daddy's making him football-practice.

God help that boy.

Nobody at school?

They all say I pee myself,
even though I don't.

No. No, no, no, I know.

What's that?

It's a curler.

What's it for?

Make your eyelashes look longer.

Weird.

Miss Rayleen?

You think I could be part alien?

I worry about you, Christmas.

Do you want to watch
The Outer Limits later?

I'm sorry, boo, but I'm busy tonight.

When Mama died, everyone said

all kinds of different stuff.

She's in Heaven.

She's here with me but invisible.

The boss man says
she got turned into stars

and comets and meteors,
and I think that's what's true.

I think she's stars
and comets and meteors.

I would like to introduce

this bill of sale as Defense Exhibit A.

That's what I would do, too.

...were involved
in something more frivolous.

Well, there are those of us

who still side with the establishment.

Case dismissed.

Go! Go, run, run, run!

Hey, get them legs up! Get them legs up!

Yeah! All right, now zigzag. Zigzag.

Zigzag. Serpentine. Yeah!
They ain't gonna catch you

if you serpentine. All right.

Good hustle. All right.

All right, now go long,
go long. Go, go, go.

I want you to tell Joseph

it gets better for people like us.

For the ones with no mamas.

Or the girl boys
and the falsely accused bed wetters.

Hey! Hey.

- But you might have to lie.
- That's all right.

Come on, bring it back in.

Bring it back in.
Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.

- Are we done yet?
- Give me the ball.

All right, now, you got to be faster.

- You have got to be fast.
- I don't need to be fast.

- No, you're gonna be faster.
- Joseph.

I've been watching you.

You're gonna have to learn
to run fast as all hell.

Right? All right. So go long.

Set, hut!

Okay, turn around.

Hands up. Back up.

- Here we go!
- ♪ I say a little prayer for you ♪

♪ I'm combing my hair now ♪

♪ And wondering what dress to wear now ♪

♪ Wear now ♪

♪ I say a little prayer for you ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ You'll stay in my heart... ♪

- Run!
- It's Hell-No!

Let's get out of here!

Tax day. I'm y'all tax collector.

Give me y'all's tax!

You'd be advised

to stay the hell away from Hell-No Price.

Hey, Betsy-Wetsy.

- It's not true.
- It don't matter.

Come on, just run.

Hey! I will hunt you down!

She's got the ferocity

of a T. rex and twice the appetite.

Hell-No Price, I heard
she done ate her parents.

Get down here!

I said get down here!

- Crap.
- You got to pay.

You don't got tax...

Smash attacks.

- We ain't coming down.
- Nah.

We ain't got candy. We ain't got nothing.

Come on. We'll get 'em later.

♪ For the sake of all mankind ♪

♪ We pity the less lucky ones ♪

♪ The weak and the begrimed ♪

♪ Those that good fortune left behind ♪

♪ Be brave, be true ♪

♪ In everything you do... ♪

Beware of
nasty Principal Massey.

She grew up right next door
to Miss Rayleen.

She pretends she's better than everybody.

Good afternoon, Birdies.

Good afternoon, Miss Massey.

Have we got a treat for you today.

Who's excited for some Jamboree?

Who's excited for some winning?

And this year,

I know we're gonna bring home
that trophy like always.

Otherwise, y'all gonna be
staying in Marietta.

I'm playing.

I'm playing.

So...

there's something special
happening this year.

An opportunity for all of us
to be a part of science.

Hi. Hi, everybody.

This is Doctor... Pers...

- Persad.
- Persad.

- All the way from NASA.
- Hello. Hello.

Raise your hands if you like
to think about outer space.

They're girls.

That's okay, huh.

You know, someone who loves to think

about outer space is our president.

- Oh, my.
- He has sent some of us

on a mission across the Earth.

We are putting together a record of life.

A record?

Yes. The Golden Record.

The greatest hits of planet Earth.

An account of all of us
to be launched into space.

- Ooh.
- But I don't want to go to space.

Hush up, precious. Shh, shh.

We are recording people
from all over the world,

giving greetings
in their native languages.

If there is a chance there is other life,

there is a chance someone will hear this.

There's no such things as aliens, though.

Piper, please.

Don't interrupt.

Our president is a humble man
from Georgia,

so why not a little girl
from somewhere like...

- Wiggly.
- ...somewhere like Wiggly

be the keeper of our immortality?

That's quite a job.

Well, um, I appreciate your time.

A group of us will be there
at the Jamboree.

We are looking forward
to recording the winners.

All right, let's go get changed
into our Jamboree costumes.

Come on, get going!

Let's bring home the gold
like we do, right?

- Christmas!
- Ow!

Why you always got to be
the one in the front, Piper?

- I got more badges than you...
- Piper! Hold up!

...so why don't you
pour yourself a big old glass

- of hush up.
- Hey. Hey.

Hey, Piper.

Do y'all smell something?

Did somebody pee on themselves?

I want to be a Birdie Scout.

I want to go to Jamboree.

Go run into trees, bed wetter.

- I'm not a bed wetter.
- Yes, huh.

She'll get the uniform nasty.

You'll get the uniform nasty.

I just said that.

I can be good for you.
I know stuff about space.

I could help you win.

Jamboree is a talent show.

The best of the best.

Is that you, or is trash you?

Why y'all so mean to me?

I don't know.

Just feels right.

I'm at the top, and you're at the bottom.

It's just how we was made.

Go, go, go.

Open the locker!

Does this mean I'm in?

Ain't that some shit.

Greetings from planet Earth.

I am Krystal Massey.

And, um...

There we go.

And I wish you great tidings
and great joy.

I do.

Aliens out there.

Hello!

Anyone?

Oh, look, it's Christmas.

Bless your heart.

I'm gonna tell you something, precious.

When we get put in a locker, it's because,

one way or the other,
we got ourselves in there.

- You understand?
- No.

Oh, Christmas Flint.

We just don't know about you, do we?

You're sweet, but we just don't know.

Christmas!

Hey.

Oh, my God, I love your hair.

It's so different.

- Yeah.
- It's abstract.

You're abstract.

I want our band name to be Gemini.

We can dress in that shiny plastic.

Shiny plastic?

What the hell happened to your hair?

Fell off, I guess.

You look ferocious, boss.

Nothing more important than that.

She didn't do this herself.

- Who did this?
- No one.

Just tell her she looks nice.

What's wrong with y'all?

Why's she letting people cut on her hair?

She ain't letting nobody do nothing.

- Clarification, boss.
- Overruled!

Yep.

That'd be the judge.

You tell him I'm on my way, all right?

Oh. Come on, Fluffy.

Can you make sure
she got something to eat?

I ain't got time for no children!

- And I ain't her mama.
- Come on there, boss.

There you go, Fluffy.

Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law.

♪ Have a little song ♪

♪ Won't take long ♪

♪ Sing it right ♪

♪ Once or twice ♪

♪ Oh, Lordy, me ♪

♪ Didn't I shake, sugaree? ♪

♪ Everything I got
Is done and pawned ♪

♪ Everything I got
Is done and pawned. ♪

See that?

No.

There's gonna be
a meteor shower this year.

It only happens every 60 years, and...

...that means I can make contact.

There ain't no one up there.

And if there is,
your shabby-ass flashlight

ain't gonna get it.

You ever actually seen Aretha Franklin?

No.

So?

I'm gonna get on that Golden Record.

What?

I'm gonna get on that Golden Record!

Joseph, we funna be Birdies.

What? I'm not a girl.

Well, there's nothing in the whole book

that says you have to be. I checked.

We need a dance for Jamboree
so we can win.

You're over your limit.
You can only get one more.

Hey. If I make that dance,

we funna win.

We funna win.

Go on, get out of here.

♪ Well, you rock my soul
Down in the bosom... ♪

We need
a minimum of four scouts

so that we can make a troop

and I can get my voice on that record.

♪ He rocks my soul ♪

♪ Down in the bosom of Abraham... ♪

We have two weeks to find
Birdies with special skills.

♪ Whoa, rock my soul ♪

♪ Why don't you rock my soul ♪

♪ Won't you rock my soul ♪

♪ Down in the bosom of Abraham... ♪

We're looking for girls

with talents that have to be
useful in some way.

♪ Down in the bosom of Abraham ♪

- Mm-mm.
- ♪ Mm-hmm, oh, yeah... ♪

But I'd settle for anyone
who'd say yes to me.

♪ Whoa, rock my soul... ♪

Have you been saved?

That's Anne-Claire.

Loves her Jesus.
She ain't got but one eye.

Have you been saved?

Anne-Claire?

- Sorry.
- Do you want to help

the most poorest,
struggling fools of the Earth?

We're gonna leave a message
for the aliens.

Let me ask.

Dear Lord Jesus,

um, do you think this is a good idea?

Amen.

Yes!

The Birdie manual says

we need girls with grace
and virtue to lead us to glory.

But I think we need Hell-No Price.

Papa gave it to me.

Bubblegum. My favorite.

Hell-No Price.

I made you an avocado sandwich.

What the hell is this?

It's God's way of saying "mayonnaise."

Get that nasty away from me.

Heads up, bed wetter.
We're coming for you.

Let me help you.

No, get away from me. I'm fine.

That was real nice of you.

I ain't doing this 'cause I'm nice.

Just like to fight.

Using you as bait.

Now, go away.

I started
a Birdie Scouting troop.

You're fast, and you're smarter
than everybody.

You could help us and be invaluable.

I don't need to be invaluable.

Oh, don't you want a chance

to leave a message
for the aliens in the future?

Or at least earn some badges?

- Hell no.
- But there's a record

they funna send into space.

Smash is like the universe.

Easy, Smash. Go play.

Full of gas and mystery.

Hell-No...

you...

you're like a human volcano.

I see you walking around,
fixin' to explode all the time.

I always wonder,
what that girl think about?

So, what do you think about?

Blowing everything to kingdom come.

How we're all headed for the boneyard,

so what's the difference.

Burning everything down

so I don't have to look at nothing pretty,

'cause none of that for me.

Well...

By us standing together and saying,

"We should be here forever,"

and winning it over them,

that's burning their whole nasty operation

right to the ground.

Yeah.

- Hmm? Hmm?
- Not right now, Smash.

Smash gets to come, too.

All right.

Smash get all the cookies she wants.

Okay.

You know I ain't your friend, right?

Yeah, I know that.

Good.

Birdie manual says

every troop needs a Troop Mother

who will show us how to be
shining examples of womanhood.

Ow!

Whatever that means.

My client could not have been
present the night in question,

because we have receipts from Winn-Dixie

that prove he spent the night shopping.

He was shopping for
lighter fluid for 20 minutes.

It's right here on the receipt.

Dang.

I swear, you men and arson.

Why you feel like
you have to set things on fire

every time you have a problem?

That's our way.

Life comes at you hard,
you set it the hell on fire.

Ain't that right, boss?

- Miss Rayleen?
- Yeah?

- I need something.
- Welcome to life, sugar booger.

Will you lead us to glory?

Hell no.

Prize is you get to leave a message

for the aliens on the Golden Record,

- with Mozart and them.
- What?

Now, ho-hold up, hold up.

I'd be the representative of

all the children on planet Earth.

So, like, our music for aliens?

- Some of our music.
- Johnny Cash?

No.

- Waylon?
- No.

Gram Parsons? Rolling Stones?

No, more like Beethoven and them.

Well, then I'm not interested in space.

I don't care for that at all.

Yeah, well, I care.

There's some other life out there,

and they funna know me.

No.

- It-it'd be office hours.
- You already owe me back pay.

Well, I'll get it. I'll get it.

I mean, ain't my fault everybody guilty.

Ain't my fault you can't
get people to pay you.

Joseph already started
our choreography, though.

No. No, sir.

I don't get on good with little girls.

I do arsonists, murderers
and state prosecutors.

Little girls give me the creeps.

Plus, you can't hit 'em no more.

They changed the laws.

All right.

"Lead us to glory." I like that.

And it would've been good

for you to be around other girls, boss.

Lord knows I raise you like one
of them hillbillies next door.

You'll be doing dip
if I don't take some action.

Miss Rayleen, take your
office days down to two.

No. Hell no.

I'm the boss man.

You the leader of the Birdies.

Me and Fluffy,

we gonna go and try and get paid.

Here you go.

Fall out, Fluffy.

I don't do nothing half-ass.

I don't want to do anything
with half an ass.

You know you're just setting yourself up

for your little heart to get broke.

No, setting myself up
to change my whole life.

He forgot to open
the damn beer can.

Mmm!

Rayleen Mosely?

Hi, Krystal.

Hey.

It's been a minute.

Mm-hmm.

Since, uh...

Pavo Possum Fest.

Well, hey. Sure is nice to see you.

And are you a... are you a mama?

I'm the Troop Mama.

Yeah.

For real?

- Are you playing?
- I don't play. You know that.

They can't be Birdies.

- Why not?
- Because these children

are not...

Because Birdies have
a strict quality code.

My boos are quality.

And you think you can get these children

to follow these standards?

Does a fat puppy poot? I got this.

That kind of language isn't necessary.

All right, then.

Got to give you a number.

Troop...

Oh, dear, well...

Huh. The only number left in
the state of Georgia is zero.

Isn't that sweet?

Perfectly appropriate.

Yes, precious.

Zero's the number of infinity.

Is that right?

- Yeah.
- Well...

Troop Zero, welcome to Birdie Scouting.

I don't know if you thought
this was gonna be easy.

Being a woman of substance is never easy.

It's not pageantry,

where you look pretty for the boys.

It's not 4-H, where you birth
a calf and call it a day.

Before you're taking care of your babies,

before you're
taking care of your husbands,

your old parents and whoever
else needs you to hold them up,

you're taking care of your troop.

You're making sure you're all winners.

Each member is required to earn one badge.

That's the bare minimum
to qualify for Jamboree.

You will earn them honestly...

no cheating... and if you earn 'em,

then you got a shot at Marietta.

So, welcome, Troop Zero.

We'll see you on the other side.

If you make it out alive.

I'm playing. I'm playing.

I'm not.

Come on, y'all.

Come on. Don't take nothing.

She'll say you got it dirty.

- I will destroy you!
- Stop it! Stop it!

All right, all right.

Ow.

Y'all want to do this.

Hey, hey.

- Y'all my Birdies now.
- He can't be a Birdie.

Can't be a Birdie 'cause he's half boy.

Can't be a football player
'cause he's half girl.

No, ma'am, that would be a "no, ma'am."

We are sweet to each other.

Smash, get your finger out your nose.

Get the straw out of your mouth.

Hell-No, you get the straw
out of your mouth, too.

Put your foot down.

Joseph, welcome to the Birdie Scouts.

Smash, I don't care about the law.

Rayleen funna whup your ass.

Joseph is one of y'all now, all right?

And we are gonna do the best we can.

- Yeah.
- Nah.

We funna lose.

This a bunch of losers and trash

- nobody wants.
- No.

We funna win.

Here we are.

Leftovers for the leftovers.

I'm playing. Y'all know I am.

For real.

Good luck with whatever
you find in this badge jar.

My girls have won almost every one.

Can you believe it?

I'm sure there's something
in there for you.

I appreciate you.

- Mm.
- And let's see what we got here.

What's that?

Dang, these are ugly.

Take it.

What the hell is this?

Oh, that's Survival in the Wilderness.

Can we have something
more in their ballpark?

I mean, "Dress-idge,"
that ain't gonna work.

"Dressage" is the correct pronunciation.

Whatever it is, it ain't gonna work.

- Ceramics. Table Settings?
- Hell-No.

- No.
- Just remind me,

what do they say about beggars again?

I'm playing. I'm playing.

Y'all clean up this mess in here.

- These smell.
- Mm!

All right.

All y'all got to do is win one badge each

to go to Jamboree.

So, it shouldn't be that hard.

Have y'all ever won
anything in your lives?

All right, Troop Zero, let's just...

You know what? Let's just do what we can.

You too thick, wear the sash.

You don't want to wear
girl clothes, wear the sash.

You pee your pants, wear the sash.

- Just don't get any pee on it.
- I don't pee myself.

Yeah, that's just
in principle. Here.

Well, come on, now, Hell-No.

Come on. Even if y'all don't win,

you got to show them that you're serious.

- Y'all serious?
- Yes, ma'am.

All right.

Let's get this, my boos.

Cookie Selling badge.

Blood makes the grass grow.

Kill, kill, kill!

Come on. Come on.

- Come on.
- Let's do this!

- Let's go!
- Oh, I'm a real-life Birdie Scout!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Lookin' back on the track
For a little green bag ♪

♪ Got to find just the kind ♪

♪ Or losin' my mind ♪

♪ Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight in the day ♪

♪ Lookin' back on the track,
Gonna do it my way ♪

♪ Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight in the day ♪

♪ Lookin' back on the track,
Gonna do it my way ♪

♪ Lookin' back ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪

♪ But there is only loneliness ♪

♪ To find... ♪

Buy my cookies, Ray-Ray.

- I got to ask my mama.
- They're two dollars.

Two boxes.

Give me four dollars for my cookies

so I can be a woman of substance.

Now, Ray-Ray.

Do it.

Give that back.

Now, get out of here.

♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪

♪ But there is only loneliness... ♪

There, take some cookies.

Come on.

♪ Jump to the left,
Turn to the right ♪

- ♪ Lookin' upstairs... ♪
- Hi.

Would you like to buy
some delicious Birdie cookies?

- You're not a Girl Scout.
- It's Birdie Scouts,

and we work on building communities

through strengthening ourself...

No. No. No.

We...

Well...

Damn.

Please? I get so scared
talking in front of strangers.

What kind of evangelist
does that make you?

Real bad one.

All right, well, just hold my hand.

♪ Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight... ♪

I funna puke, Miss Rayleen.

Don't puke before you get the money, boo.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Would you please...

give me some... some money?

I'll be happy to.
I used to be a Birdie myself.

♪ Lookin' for some happiness... ♪

Is she gonna be all right?

She'll be fine.

It's good for the grass.

Come on.

♪ Jump to the left ♪

♪ Turn to the right ♪

♪ Lookin' upstairs ♪

- There. Come on.
- ♪ Lookin' behind... ♪

Every little girl dreams
about getting married

and having their own babies.

Child Care badge prepares you

for the ultimate joys of motherhood.

Dang.

Act right. Stop that.

Stop that.

- ♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪
- Ow!

♪ But there is only loneliness ♪

- ♪ To find... ♪
- Perfect trust falls.

Again.

What the hell they trying
to teach you, trust?

Try that in the real world.

Get up, now.

Get up.

Get going. Come on.

Dear Lord in Heaven,
be safe, be safe.

All right, I got you, I got you.

Trust.

- Hey, don't mess this up.
- Right.

All right, I got this.

You better. I need this.

Ow!

No, no, no.

No. No, no.

We never gonna get to Jamboree like this.

Shouldn't have taken them.

They're ruining everything.

They're even bigger losers than I am.

Oh, you're right.

Better for you to be back
at home watching Outer Limits

and me to be living my life in peace.

What? No.

Let me see them badges.

You got to work with what you got.

Special skills.

Beauty badge
was made for Joseph.

If he can make my hair less ugly,

he can make the world less ugly.

This is the time to say yes.

This is how I am.

This is what God gave me to work with.

And I'm gonna make it beautiful
'cause it's mine.

All right.

♪ And I'm so glad ♪

♪ I took the chance on you, baby ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ My friends all say
He don't play by the rules ♪

♪ So listen, don't you be no fool ♪

♪ Don't you know
You're just a beginner ♪

♪ So look at me now ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ Ooh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Put that money down
And put them chips on nine ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

- ♪ Ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Ah, ah ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Ah ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ Yes, I am... ♪

Dang, son.

You survive nine more years of this,

you're gonna make a whole
bucketload of damn money.

Yes, ma'am.

Special skills.

All right, Christmas, who's next?

♪ I took a chance on you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, I'm a winner... ♪

Got some inspiring words, Mr. Ramsey?

- Thank you, Miss Rayleen.
- Yeah.

When I was in
the United States Army

with Mr. Dwayne,

we used to run a course
like this twice a day.

And there were machine guns
going off over our heads.

We had bowls of rice
just once a day

just to get us through the hardships.

Not about the rice right now.

What Mr. Dwayne is saying
is life ain't about winning.

I mean, it is for some...
for those who win.

But for the rest of y'all...

the trick is to endure.

Not let the kicks and the nasty words

keep you down.

Then you wake up one day,

and you'll be the last one standing.

So...

Go get them Endurance badges, little boos!

Go! Come on.

Smash, pick up those feet.

Pick up your feet!

You go easy on my girl.

All right? You-you know she got
one leg shorter than the other?

Ow!

That poor thing can't afford

to do nothing easy, and you know that.

- Come on!
- Come on, y'all.

- Come on! Come on!
- Come on! Come on!

This badge was made
for Hell-No Price.

She eats obstacles for
breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Hell-No! Hell-No!

Hell-No!

You done good, Hell-No.

Smash, I figure you take things apart,

you might be able
to put 'em back together.

Go on.

My boo!

That Smash will surprise you.

And I will, too.

Promise.

Got to have one special skill.

This is almost impossible to mess up.

Even for you, Christmas.

Baking badge.

Bake a cake, get the badge.

Can't you just give me one?

- Are you a cheater?
- No, ma'am.

Oh, forgot the dang vanilla.

What the "H" y'all doing?

Baking badge.

Why are y'all playing like this?

Yeah, y'all suck at being girls.

- Y'all suck at being girls.
- Yeah.

- Why does she always do that to me?
- It's okay.

You...

you ain't even got no eye.

And you...

you ain't even a real girl.

All of y'all.

I don't get y'all.

How do any of y'all even get out of bed,

being so weird?

Shut up.

What'd you say, girl boy?

I said, "Shut up."

And my name's Joseph.

Call me Joseph like a normal person.

You're not a normal person.

Don't talk about him like that.

Be sweet, Hell-No.

We're just doing our badge.

He didn't mean any harm.

He ours.

He our fellow Birdie Scout.

He's a freak.

No, you are.

Just let her say what she wants.

Don't matter.

I need this badge, though.

It does too matter.

We funna win.

We funna get on that record.

You're just one piece of dirt
on a bigger piece of dirt.

We're gonna last forever,

and you're just gonna wash away.

Oh, hell no.

Let's get 'em!

Flour!

Stop!

Act right, y'all! Act right!

Holy mother...

Piper, stop!

Stop! You are sweet.

You are sweet!

Where are my young ladies?

Right here.

I have never seen

such delinquency, such a lack of hygiene.

Oh, the trash, the trash of it all!

And y'all... y'all were raised better.

Troop Zero...

...you were so close.

You blazed through
all the badges on your level.

They sure in hell did.

- They're sorry.
- I ain't sorry.

Starting fights, acting ugly.

Y'all suspended.

Oh, come on.

Can't I just use the cafeteria
to get my Baking badge?

No, ma'am. No.

I can't even pretend
y'all are cute anymore.

It's sad.

Sad, sad, sad.

And, my troop, y'all are on thin ice.

Let's go. Get on out.

Piper. Come on, get.

And y'all clean this mess up.

- Family special.
- Coming right up.

Think y'all would be happier just doing...

I don't know... Bible school
or FFA or just watching TV.

Whatever happened to watching TV?

I can't give up.

I mean, there must be
one badge I can earn.

If y'all even get to Jamboree,

which you won't, y'all ain't gonna win.

I mean, I'm sorry, but...

I wish someone had told me that.

No Jamboree?

I made a dance, though.

I really want to tell y'all
what you want to hear,

but this situation just ain't salvageable.

Could've been gone from here.

I could've been famous.

I wanted to leave a permanent record.

We still can.

Smash!

Quit it!

Smash, come back.

Calm down.

Smash, come back!

- No, come on!
- Come on, Smash.

This ain't us.

This is some candy-ass,

B-grade version of us
'cause we ain't got nobody

- to show us how to be better.
- Hey!

Show us.

Be that one for us, please.

No one was that for me.

Yeah, well, it can be different now.

It's never gonna be different.

Your life is gonna be the same
as you are right now.

The sooner you learn that, the better.

That can't be true.

'Cause I'll die.

You were running after her

- just the same.
- That doesn't mean

you can yell at her like that.

Will y'all help me
with this window?

Sit down! Sit down.

Okay?

One badge. One more badge.

Uh-uh. Give me that.

Surviving in the Wilderness.

Like Jesus.

Enjoy your suspension.

Ow!

- Wow.
- Stay down, bed wetter.

We do not stay down

because they tell us to, Christmas.

That is a "no, ma'am."

- Smash get a snack break?
- Hunger is good for you.

You starving us. You putting us in danger.

Y'all in danger every day.

We ain't going into
the South Woods, are we?

It's time y'all learned
to take it by the horns.

Smash, wait up.

Smash.

I heard someone died in there.

Don't touch nothing.

What was that? I'm ascared.

Will it be fast when I die?

Y'all get ahold of y'all selves.

Go. Go.

And it's really cool

because the aliens, th-they'll hear us

because the sound waves,

they go out, out, out into the universe

until they hit something, then...

That is not how it works.

Yeah, it is. My mama said.

All right, now, y'all.

We sleeping here?

I'm not gonna sleep with Christmas.

She funna pee on me.

- I don't wet the bed.
- Yes-huh.

Y'all stop acting ugly.

Smash.

All right, my boos.

It's time y'all earned
that badge fair and square.

You leaving us?

We funna die.

Ah, hell, hell no, I can't stay...

Hell yes, Hell-No.

And when y'all wake up
in the morning, y'all know that

you spent the night in the wilderness,

didn't no one help you.

What if we don't...

All right, prove 'em wrong.

Make me proud.

But what if we don't wake up?

Yea, though I walk through

the valley of the shadow of death...

...I will fear no evil,
for thou art with me...

It's rockin' WZPZ Rock.

Coming up, David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel."

My dear and holy God.

♪ You've got your mother in a whirl ♪

♪ She's not sure
If you're a boy or a girl ♪

♪ Hey, babe, your hair's all right ♪

♪ Hey, babe, let's go out tonight ♪

♪ They put you down,
They say I'm wrong ♪

♪ You tacky thing,
You put them on ♪

♪ Rebel Rebel ♪

♪ You've torn your dress ♪

♪ Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess ♪

♪ Rebel Rebel ♪

♪ How could they know? ♪

♪ Hot tramp, I love you so ♪

♪ Don't ya? ♪

Can you see us better

when we're together like this?

Is our signal stronger?

I think it is.

- Oh, Smash.
- Smash.

If there is wild animals,

I funna spit scuppernong seeds
in their eyes and blind them.

And then... then they'll
run off and be scared.

They'll be the ones who's scared.

'Cause I'm not scared. I'm not scared.

Hell-No.

You're out of the circle of protection.

I don't need it.

- Yes, you do.
- Nuh-uh.

- Yes-huh.
- Nuh-uh.

It's fixin' to be a meteor shower.

Just... just go over there
and look for it.

I'm responsible for you
not getting ate in the wilderness.

Now, come sleep with the rest of us.

I can't.

- Why not?
- Because.

And it's not true
that I wet the bed, but...

...if I did,

maybe, whenever I get
emotional or nervous,

and maybe that's when I'd pee on stuff.

If I did, I wouldn't know why.

I used to wet the bed.

Really?

Nah.

But if I did, I'd be shamed.

How come you pee the bed?

- Can't help it?
- I don't.

Okay.

But maybe if I did...

time was right after my mama's death,

and then I couldn't stop.

And so, you-you can just go, you know.

I leave, and you die
all alone in the wild,

covered in your own pee,

and you'll miss every meteor shower

that will ever happen
the whole rest of your life

'cause you be dead.

I'm gonna tell you some scary
stories to keep you awake.

- Please don't.
- Too late.

One night, in the pouring rain,

a girl hears on the radio,
"Lock the doors.

There's a maniac!"

And all that was left of her...

was her hand,

scratching at the door.

And when she came out,
she never spoke again,

and her hair was bright white.

- Bright white?
- Yeah.

Christmas. Christmas.

- What do you want?
- Get up.

Get up now. Now.

Look.

Think they might have been peacemakers

sent from-from the giant caterpillar?

Ah, something bit me.

There is no giant caterpillar.

- Yeah, there is.
- Yeah, there is.

No, there isn't.

How do y'all believe in that?

Look what I found.

I brought scuppernongs.

- Hmm?
- Okay.

I want one.

- Three.
- Don't take all of them, now.

Give me some.

Mm-hmm.

Anyone comes for you again,
I'm gonna beat their ass

back to their gosh damn swamp shack.

Just come at them
with hair like that.

My boos! Y'all did it!

Come on, get up.

You done it, Christmas.

There you go.

We funna go to Jamboree!

Yes, ma'am.

We got it, Miss Massey.

We're gonna go to Jamboree.

Praise the living Jesus.

And we funna win, too.

We funna dance.

Me and Christmas
made a dance that's amazing.

Y'all have a lot to be proud of.

Y'all do. I'm not even playing.

We're gonna go.

- We are.
- We're going.

Oh, precious.

You're not.

We are.

They don't have a legitimate troop leader.

It's so, so sad,

but what I discovered last night

when I consulted statute 12,

section eight of the Birdie Scout Code...

Here it is.

Troop Mothers must not have
any prior arrests.

And, Miss Rayleen, don't you have one?

- No convictions.
- For an incident

in which a gentleman's tires were slashed,

his trailer broken into,

and all his mounted deer heads
spray-painted pink.

- You can't prove it was me.
- It was you.

- Nuh-uh.
- Yes-huh.

That gentleman, if you recall...
and I think you do...

was some fool named Yellow-Teeth Davis

that saw a lot of silly-ass girls
back in the day.

And the reason why
Yellow-Teeth Davis wasn't at home

when his trailer got broke into
is 'cause he was running around

with one or more of those silly-ass girls

instead of being
at my house like he promised

to pick me up to take me
to Boutte's Chicken.

And then I started wondering
what was wrong with me

that made him treat me like trash.

And then I waited so long figuring out

what was wrong with me
that I didn't go to law school

and I missed my whole life.

But lately, I've been wondering,

"You know what, Rayleen?

Who cares what people want?

What do you want?"

So, from now on, my life is on me,

not some fool with crowded yellow teeth

that put dead deer all over his walls.

It's on me.

And I feel sorry for you, Miss Massey,

'cause you gonna spend your whole life

trying to impress fools,

and you ain't never gonna
be enough for them, either.

What ever happened to you, Krystal?

You a bad example.

This is my example.

I'm going to law school,
you sad snake lady.

I don't like being like this.

I don't like being Nasty Miss Massey.

Y'all will find life gets easier

if you don't want so much.

- Hey!
- "Hey" yourself.

What'd you mean, law school?

I mean I'm out. I'm out.

I can see about law school.
I can see about a job.

You leaving me?

There's no leaving you
if I was never with you.

You're supposed to stay here with me.

How can you ask me to be there for you

when I was never there for myself?

So, is it over?

We find a new Troop Mama now.

Everyone we know got felonies.

There ain't no one else.

Why'd you make me want it so bad?

I never wanted anything, and I was fine!

Hell-No!

Why'd you do this to me?

I was happy before this.

I was happy before I thought
I could talk to anyone or be permanent.

Why'd you make me so unsatisfied?

Stay down!

You can't tell me to stay down!

Jesus wept.

Hell-No!

- Get away from me!
- Don't leave me!

Why don't you just leave me alone!

No!

We funna be permanent!

You're a dang fool.

Nuh-uh.

- Yes-huh.
- Nuh-uh!

No one ever chased me before.

Here's your damn sash.

Now, you said you borrowed it,

but you didn't say whether
they knew you borrowed it.

Do they know you borrowed it?

Now, hold up. Hold on.

These little boos need a mama.

Uh, Miss Rayleen, I ain't their mama.

You are now.

Boss, you there?

Let me call you back.

You ask for the boss man,
the boss man steps up.

- Big Eddie, let's go.
- Joseph!

Sam, Buddy, Robby, let's go!

Miss Massey gonna learn a thing or two.

Nancy. Mary.

Let's go.

Y'all gonna want to see this.

- ♪ Oh, Lord, you know ♪
- Here we go.

♪ I can hardly wait... ♪

Look at that, boss.

Hell-No!

- Hey, guys!
- Yeah!

Come on, fall out.

♪ I see those per-per-pearly gates ♪

♪ I'll walk dem golden stairs
When I die, when I die ♪

♪ Well, well, well,
I'm gonna walk ♪

♪ Up dem golden stairs ♪

♪ 'Cause I know my Jesus
Answers all my prayers... ♪

Will you do the honors, Rayleen?

♪ To my home on high ♪

♪ I'll walk dem golden stairs
When I die, when I die. ♪

Principal Massey,
may I have a word, ma'am?

I ain't got time for this, Ramsey Flint.

Listen, devil woman.

I read your rule book.

Nobody beat the boss man
when it come to rule books.

Nothing in that book say
the Troop Mother has to be female.

Therefore, I am proud
to be the Troop Mother

for Birdie Scout Troop Zero of Wiggly.

There are ways things are done, Mr. Flint.

What kind of world
would it be if every homely,

strange little girl
thought she could just go out

and do whatever she wanted?

To be laughed at
and humiliated and ruined?

I'm helping them more than you do.

You think this was easy for me?

These are our girls. All of us.

Whole damn town of Wiggly.

I don't care how many eyes they got

or who wet the bed or...

if some of them debatable as girls.

They our Birdies,
and I'm their Troop Mama.

You tell her, Ramsey.

How you gonna pay the $500 entry fee?

Son of a puppy.

Five...

It costs money to pay
for these judges' time.

You got $500, Ramsey Flint?

You don't.

Because Ramsey Flint,
he just keeps on losing.

You know I'd give you

the whole gosh damn
solar system if I could.

Yeah, I know that.

Mr. Ramsey?

I know I've been owing you 50 for a while.

Thanks.

And this is for Big Sam's legal fees.

And the broken furniture.

Buddy's public... urination.

A-And Robby's truancy.

I-I'm sorry it took me so long
to get it to you, Ramsey.

That's all right.

You know what for.

- Yeah.
- Here you go, Ramsey.

Oh. Thank you.

- Here's mine.
- Thank you.

Ramsey, I got 17.

What you don't seem
to understand, Miss Massey,

I'm the boss man,

and we going to the Birdie Jamboree.

And we funna kick everybody's ass.

Yeah!

- Good day, ma'am.
- Yeah, Ramsey!

- Let's fall out!
- Falling out.

All right, here we go.

♪ No more to roam ♪

♪ In the search of fortune and fame ♪

♪ The hand of fate... ♪

If it's all gonna be okay,

will you please give me a sign?

Anything?

Look, I know
one thing... y'all funna win.

- Oh...
- No, I can feel it.

That's gas. You eat like
you got a train to catch.

Nah.

What if I lose in front of everybody?

Ah, so what?

Boss, get over here.

Yes, sir.

Sit here.

Boss, you know I lose
in front of everybody

- every day.
- Mm-hmm.

Sure as hell do.

When the judge says to me it's over,

I go over to the prosecution,
and I shake their hand.

Give me your hand.

'Cause that show them they may beat me,

but I'm strong as hell,

and one day, maybe tomorrow,

I'll kick their ass.

Right?

But you still lost.

Yeah, boss, but it's the principle.

- What?
- Forget it.

- You a little young for it.
- Christmas!

Christmas!

Not too long. Big day tomorrow.

Y'all gonna win. I can feel it. I know it.

You know you're drunk again.

Nah.

You're drunk.

Yeah, he drunk as all hell.

- You drunk.
- Yeah.

And you the best damn employee I ever had.

Well, I'm the only one that
hasn't stole from you, so...

You know, I-I don't want you
breaking my daughter's heart.

Well, it's gonna break
if she let one of those

nasty girls tell her who she is.

Well, now, that ain't what I mean.

What do you mean?

You could, uh...

you could stay, right?

I can't.

There's a spot at Emory.
I start in the fall.

Yeah. All right.

I-I know. I know.

We'll be fine.

We'll be just fine.

Come on.

Hurry up!

Come on, get on, get on.

Here you go, honey.

Here you go.

Here you go, baby.

- What it is, Dwayne?
- What you say, boss?

Where'd you get that bike?
Dwayne, you are on parole.

I'm gonna give it back. I...
Look, I'm here for protection.

Yeah, I just, I just want to do

something nice, Miss Rayleen.

Dear God, blanket us with protection,

and I ask, God,

give these children
a long life with no fears.

And that you put the love
that's on your heart

unto my heart.

Shut your face up.

You don't know what you talking about.

See you in Marietta.

Hey, that's my motorcycle.

He stole that.

All right.

Here we are.

Prepare for battle.

I want y'all to know that y'all my boos.

And I wish I had y'all around

when I was little and dumb and sweet.

Come on, we funna win.

We funna win! Come on.

Hey.

"Hey" yourself.

Uh, if I was, um...

If I got on the record, I'd be important.

And you'd stay here with me.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna be all alone again.

You are not alone.

- Yeah, I am.
- No...

And you don't need that record.

- Yeah, I do.
- No, you don't.

Who's smarter, me or you?

- You.
- Right now.

When you speak, it creates a sound wave,

and then it vibrates through the air,

and it keeps traveling out.

That means, if someone's listening

for life on this Earth,
they gonna hear you.

Are you sure that's even true?

Shoot, no.

Probably not.

Probably all you can wish for

is someone fool enough to show up.

Hey, you want me to help?

I got it, I got it.

- I don't mind helping.
- I got it.

Now, the wings, you can't...

Hey, I don't want them to bend.

- Big Eddie, you got that?
- I got it.

- I-I'm cool. I got it.
- All right. I'm happy to help.

Hold on to that rocket, all right?

Coming down. Coming down.

- Let's fall out!
- Coming down!

We funna kick some butt today.

Slowly, slowly, slowly.

- Got it?
- Pull it on down.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Oh, oh, oh, I ain't got it.
I ain't got it.

Don't touch.

Stop.

Bed wetter.

All right. Troop Zero, Wiggly.

Oh.

Precious. And you are?

Oh, uh, Ramsey Flint.

- Troop Mama.
- Oh.

Isn't that something?

Hmm.

Did y'all bring your... your fees?

Oh. Of course I got it.

Yeah, that's part of Jamboree.

Yeah, there you go.

Thank you.

I'm gonna need you to count that, please.

Well, we look forward

to seeing what you little girls
are made of.

Uh-huh. What is it, angel?

We're made of organs and tissues.

You guys got a latrine here?

Mm-hmm, we do have a latrine.

We have about eight latrines all around.

They are made for little girls,

so you're gonna have to squeeze in there.

I could just use the woods.

Do not use the woods. I repeat,

- do not use the woods.
- All right. All right.

Well, y'all have some time to rehearse,

and then we will see you
over in the tent at 4:00.

Let's fall out.

See you by 4:00 for the show.

Fly, Birdies, to that tent,

'cause at Jamboree, fun and talent abound.

Don't get too loose with that fun, though,

'cause you are being judged.

Let's have a blast.

The tent at 4:00.

They are judging us. Do you understand?

Act right.

Welcome, Birdies, to Jamboree.

Oh.

Yes.

Now...

you have all worked so hard to get here,

and that work is not gonna stop now,

because this... this is the place

where we're gonna see
the best of the best.

And who knows?
There may be a little bit of

international prestige
in with this as well.

Uh, Dr. Persad.

Young ladies are here on this Earth

to create beauty
wherever they set their feet.

So go on, now.

Show us your gifts.

We're gonna begin
with Troop 28 from Moultrie.

Let's do this.

Knock-knock. Who's there?

- The Holy Spirit.
- Amen.

Y'all, get ready for Troop 17
from Alberta.

♪ Am I a soldier of the cross ♪

♪ A follower of the lamb ♪

♪ And shall I fear... ♪

The reigning champions of
Jamboree need no introduction.

Please welcome Troop Five from Wiggly.

You funna puke, Anne-Claire?

I get nervous in front of strangers.

Look, you funna puke,

just reach out, and one of us
will hold your hand, okay?

Whatever you do, don't lose the song.

We got this, boos.

Y'all my boos.

All right, quit.

Funna give me lice.

How precious.

Oh, you still ain't got no eye.

Well, you ain't got no talent,
you snake from hell!

Come on.

Next up, we have a new troop.

A troop that is, uh,
a number that I didn't know

was a real number until today.

Please welcome, uh,

Troop Zero from Wiggly.

- Yeah!
- All right!

Come on!

♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪

♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪

Why are they singing?

♪ Take your protein pills ♪

♪ And put your helmet on ♪

- Is that a boy?
- Ten.

- ♪ Ground Control ♪
- Nine.

- ♪ To Major Tom ♪
- Eight. Seven.

- Six. Five.
- ♪ Commencing countdown ♪

♪ Engines on ♪

Four.

Three.

Two.

- ♪ Check ignition ♪
- One.

- ♪ And may God's love ♪
- Liftoff!

♪ Be with you ♪

♪ This is Major Tom to Ground Control ♪

♪ I'm stepping through the door ♪

♪ And I'm floating in a most ♪

♪ Peculiar way ♪

- Well, this is unusual.
- ♪ And the stars ♪

♪ Look very different today ♪

Yeah, she's unusual.

♪ This is Ground Control ♪

♪ To Major Tom ♪

- ♪ You've really made the grade ♪
- You stink!

- ♪ And the papers ♪
- Get off the stage, you weirdos!

♪ Want to know whose shirts ♪

- ♪ You wear ♪
- Watch your mouth, girl.

One-eyed freak!

- Shh. Stop it.
- ♪ Now it's time ♪

♪ To leave the capsule... ♪

Hey, bed wetter!

He's not a girl!

Huh-uh. Uh, s-stop that music.

Don't give up, boss.

Ew. That is disgusting.

Get off the stage.

You turn that back on.

- Turn that back on.
- Rayleen, stop.

Enough.

My name is Christmas Flint.

I am a human female.

Sometimes I pee myself when I get nervous.

I don't know why.

I don't want to.

I just want to tell you...

I hope...

...hope you live a good life.

And I hope you have a friend.

I hope you got everything I got.

♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪

♪ Your circuit's dead ♪

♪ There's something wrong ♪

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

♪ Can you hear me,
Major Tom? ♪

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

Oh, my God!

They nasty!

- ♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪
- They nasty!

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

♪ Can you hear me,
Major Tom? ♪

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

♪ Can you hear me, Major Tom? ♪

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, my boos! Kill, kill, kill!

Solid gold!

Yeah! That's my boy.

Oh, my beautiful Birdies.

We have seen some examples today:

of how to be...

and how not to be.

Y'all, we've come to possibly

the most exciting part of the day.

Dr. Persad is gonna hand out the awards.

Here he is. Dr. Persad.

We were really touched by
the courage every troop showed.

It wasn't an easy call to make, because...

what does "the best"
even mean in the big picture?

Who decides what's good, what's worth it?

Who knows?

The winner of this year's Jamboree...

and the troop whose voice
will go into outer space

is Troop Five from Wiggly.

Congratulations to our
ambassadors of the human race.

You all right, boo?

If there's life out
there, they'll know about you.

Thank you, and
congratulations to Troop Five.

You sparkly Birdies.

You sequined lovelies.

Oh, inspiring, inspiring.

How inspiring in all capital letters...

Congratulations.

You gonna be okay, Christmas?

- Oh, heck yeah.
- Simply the best.

- You?
- And that's what we're

working for here at Jamboree:
to be clearly the best

and to clearly beat everyone else here,

and they did it, y'all.

Now, Mr. Persad, can you please record?

Can you give me a puff?

So, who'll come up
for the statement?

Whenever you're ready.

Greetings from the children
of planet Earth.

I hope you kick everybody's ass
in law school.

The human race
is beautiful and peaceful...

Hmm. Sure.

You will, though.

...tells you who we were.

Don't take shit from anybody.

Thank you, Piper.

What a perfect representation
of a Birdie.

That just warms up my heart.

No, you can finish it.

You always did.

...and raise our voices in song.

Let's do that Birdie anthem, y'all.

♪ We're good, we're kind ♪

♪ We're sweet to those we find ♪

♪ We're beautiful and loving ♪

♪ For the sake of all mankind ♪

♪ We pity the less lucky ones ♪

♪ The weak and the begrimed ♪

♪ Those that good fortune left behind ♪

♪ Be brave, be true ♪

♪ In everything you do... ♪

What it is, boss.

I'm proud of you, Major Tom.

I miss Mama.

I know I'm not supposed to tell you that.

But I miss her.

Hey, um...

you can tell me anything.

Ain't nothing you can't tell the boss man.

I'd do anything if you could have her.

But it's... it's gonna have to
be just you and me, Christmas.

Just the way it's got to be, I guess.

I wish I, uh...

I wish I could be better.

Nah.

You and me...

we're solid gold.

We're the King of Beers.

King of Beers.

Mmm.

Solid gold.

♪ Deep down in Louisiana ♪

- ♪ Close to New Orleans ♪
- Ah, yeah!

♪ Way back up in the woods
Among the evergreens ♪

♪ There stood a log cabin
Made of earth and wood ♪

♪ Where lived a country boy
Named Johnny B. Goode... ♪

We didn't win,
but it don't matter none,

'cause Dwayne stole
the trophies from Troop Five.

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Johnny B. Goode... ♪

There!

Hot damn.

When all the signals
have been received,

maybe you will know about us.

Sound waves travel, right?

Think aliens have the same
petty standards that we do?

Hell no.

They gonna hear you.

They gonna hear you.

Go on.

I'm here.

- I'm here.
- I'm here.

Here I am.

I'm here.

Here I am.

I hope you always safe and warm

and dry and have foods always.

Nice, Hell-No.

I hope you have everything good,

in Christ Jesus' name.

I hope you have Gladys Knight

and Aretha Franklin and Freddie Mercury.

I hope you got Mama.

I hope you keep her safe.

Now on,

you gonna be permanent.

You already are.

I am here!

- I'm here!
- I'm here!

- Here I am!
- I'm here.

I'm here, too.

We're here!

- I'm here!
- I'm here.

We're here!

- We're here!
- We're here!

We got on that record,

so I know you're gonna hear me.

What I want to say is this:

I hope you got friends like mine.

Like Hell-No, Joseph,

little Smash, and my boo Anne-Claire.

I hope you see us
for all our bursting treasure.

Me and Miss Rayleen.

Boss man and Fluffy.

We'll be right here.

♪ There's a starman waiting in the sky ♪

♪ He'd like to come and meet us ♪

♪ But he thinks he'd blow our minds ♪

♪ There's a starman waiting in the sky ♪

♪ He's told us not to blow it ♪

♪ 'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile ♪

♪ He told me,
Let the children lose it ♪

♪ Let the children use it ♪

♪ Let all the children boogie ♪

♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la,
La, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la,
La, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la,
La, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la,
La, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la,
La, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la... ♪

Hello from
the children of planet Earth.