Troe v lodke, ne schitaya sobaki (1979) - full transcript
Three London gentlemen take vacation rowing down the Thames, encountering various mishaps and misadventures along the way.
ON ORDER OF STATE COMMITTEE FOR
TELEVISION AND RADIO BROADCASTING
LENFILM
TELEVISION FILM
PRODUCTION GROUP
LONDON
THREE MEN IN A BOAT
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE DOG
BASED ON THE NOVEL BY
JEROME K. JEROME
A terrible time, our poor London,
It's become unsuitable for living.
A man now has to breathe in stench,
and mist and fumes.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
Rumble and gnash, ring and boom,
Machines are devouring the world.
Now a man has to live like
in hell from the birth.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
Cars upon cars are filling
London streets.
These killers have already
murdered two people in England.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
PART ONE
ONE NIGHT
Good evening, dear
ladies and gentlemen!
And sweet children.
Good evening indeed!
Although I hope that children will
keep us company just for 30 minutes.
As soon as the famous Big Ben
strikes 8 times,
they will go to bed.
Like they used to say:
good night, baby!
By the way, many of you
probably don't know me.
No, I have no claims,
I'll just introduce myself.
My name is Jerome.
No, Jerome Klapka Jerome.
This is my full name.
On the 2nd of May
1889 I'll be
exactly 30 years old.
Yes, yes, 30 years old already.
Or I could also say - still 30.
Although, I've had plenty of
various events in my life.
I've tried so many things!
By the way, it might interest you.
Here, in my hands, I have,
so to say, my complete biography.
Here I am a railway clerk.
Once, while working on time-table,
I got daydreaming, and locomen
didn't know where to go.
So I didn't have much
success in that field.
Here I am a riding
instructor, and, as you may see,
of delicate manners too.
But I haven't had any skills in
either of them since childhood,
and failed to make a career.
Here, a reporter.
Moreover, a shorthand writer.
Once I wrote down the speech of a
Member of Parliament so short,
that it all ended up with
the resignation of the government.
And this is just my Auntie.
No, this is my Granny.
It's me. Myself.
I worked as an actor at that time
in a repertoir theatre.
I used to play a lot of
such comic old ladies.
You can't imagine what farce
at a provincial stage is.
But I will show it to you.
It's easy for me.
So, Mrs Bikely's songs
from my repertory.
I still remember all that
A bench amid scarlet roses,
And a dark-haired guardsman,
Whose name was...
Whose name was...
This is a guardsman not a gopher,
he used to have a name!
Sclerosis...
He told me I was an image
out of his sweetest dreams,
and he begged me on his knees...
What did he beg me for?
What did he beg for?
What had he lost on the ground,
that crazy man?
Sclerosis...
He held me tight and promised
feverishly to marry me.
I don't remember
what happened next...
But something happened...
Something happened.
Did he marry me in the end
or not?
I forget... Sclerosis...
Pardon my sclerosis.
- I beg your pardon, Mrs...
- Mrs Bikely, my dear.
But Mr Jerome asked for supper
without telling me that he
was expecting ladies.
That Jerome of yours
is hare-brained.
- He's always fooling around.
- You are impossible!
- Mrs Poppets.
- Yes, sir?
I should introduce
Mrs Poppets to you.
I'd feel like a lonely orphan
if it weren't for her care.
How many persons should Iay
the table for, Mr Orphan?
I think it will suffice to lay
the table for three.
But I can't see your visitors.
They will show up shortly.
- He's such a day-dreamer!
- Bring it in, Mrs Poppets.
In a moment, Mr Jerome.
You shouldn't lie to an old lady.
Well, I will have to
make something up.
Alright.
My dear Miss Fancy,
it's time to get to work.
It's so rainy
and misty outside,
that even here, in this room,
where the fireplace is crackling,
one feels forgotten and lonely.
Three old loyal and kind friends,
that's what a man needs
on a night like this.
Well, I'm here, sir.
At your service.
This is Harris.
I wish you could hear how he
sings comic songs.
But that's not his specialty.
On top of everything else he is
a walking London guide.
You're quite right, pal.
I know quite a few spots where you
can find some excellent nectar.
And this is my old friend George.
He's great at cooking and
eating whatever there's to eat.
His Irish stew is outstanding.
But he can tell about
himself much better.
That's very true.
And this is our common friend
and a favourite, Montmorency.
Well, like all regular dogs
he can't stand cats.
You are about to see
it for yourself.
Take a look!
Montmorency.
Do you see what it does to him?
Very well, my dear Miss Fancy.
Good enough for a start.
There are three of us.
Pardon, to say nothing of the dog.
THREE HOPELESSLY
DISABLED PERSONS
Gentlemen, let me
tell you a secret.
Lately, I've been reading
nothing but this book.
- What is it?
- This is a Medical Encyclopedia.
Well, comparing description of
various illnesses with my health,
I came to the conclusion
that I have them all.
From St. Vitus's Dance
to the intestinal colic.
- How is it possible?
- For example. Let's see.
George. Letter D. Diphtheritis.
Here you go.
- Not during the meal, probably?
- No, that's the point.
The eyes are diphtheritic, George,
definitely diphtheritic.
I can't see anything, you've got
a steak in there. Swallow it.
It's my tongue.
That's right, during diphtheritis
the tongue looks
like a steak. Go on.
Well. And the pulse?
What about it? You can't swallow.
Those are signs of diphtheritis.
Pulse? There's no pulse at all.
It's diphtheritis for sure.
- Really? Looks like it.
- Hold on.
Well, George, one thing is clear:
you're almost dead. Cheers!
Cheers!
- My dear friend Harris.
- Yes.
It's even worse with you.
- Here - influenza.
- Do I have influenza?
That too.
- I have influenza.
Please, read it.
Listen to him, George!
Influ... influn...
Right. Symptoms. Here we go.
Sluggish. Yes.
Frequent. Well, not all the time.
And finally - liquid.
Do I really have influenza?
My friends.
We are all terminally ill.
- Friends, my heart aches.
- Why is that?
- We all look terrible.
- Terrible, quite terrible.
Montmorency, what illness
is bothering you?
Montmorency is as old as we are
but he is so full of energy.
Gentlemen, the only thing
that can save us is
- action.
- That's right, action.
Sports! Sports!
George, what's that? It's pudding.
- Sports or travels.
- What do you suggest?
I suggest we find an isolated
forgotten spot.
Far from the bustle of the world,
some abandoned bay.
An eyrie on the cliffs of Time
where you can hardly hear
the roar of the 19th century.
Sounds romantic but boring.
I can imagine those backwoods,
where we'll have to go to bed
at 8 o'clock.
There's probably no
"Sports digest".
Besides, one would have to run
10 miles to buy tobacco.
No, this is...
If you really want to
get away from it all,
there's nothing better than
sea-voyage.
- Sea sickness. Sea sickness.
- Outside activities on the river.
Down with this fumy city,
long live the nature!
- That's right.
- By the way, as for the river...
that's probably a good idea.
I must explain myself.
My friends call me J,
so not to get you confused,
when I'm not wearing glasses,
I'm Jerome Klapka Jerome.
And when glasses are on, I'm J.
J.
So now I'm J.
- Sorry! I just wanted...
- We understand.
I wanted to say that you're
absolutely right, J.
Yes, and I said:
J, river is a good idea..
Yes, but we have to agree.
- Alright: nothing extravagant.
- Nothing at all?
What about my Irish stew?
I'll do the cooking on Saturdays.
- You don't have to.
- Let him cook.
Alright, but we'll travel, Harris,
entirely in male company.
- Really? In this case no fantasies.
- Agreed. The journey begins.
Two, one, two one.
Lay on the oars!
What are those?
Oars! Take the oars.
Come on, lay on the oars!
All together, two, one, two one.
Harris, don't back the oars!
Two, one. It's the best rest.
- A boat, fresh air.
- Just the sun. Just the skies.
- There's a river too, by the way.
- The river too.
And that is going to be
the keynote of our trip.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS!
Yes, London is always London
- The weather is always on our side.
- Wonderful weather.
- Quite so.
- Please.
- I beg you!
- I beg you!
Gentlemen, everything
is going quite well.
- True.
- Take us to the port, horseys!
- One, two, one.
- This is definitely the best rest.
- What don't you like? A boat.
- Fresh air.
The sun, the skies, the river.
- What's going on?
- What's happening here?
- It's a fight, can't you see?
- A fire, robbery.
- A wedding, probably?
- Murder.
The second coming.
Three characters and a dog
begin their journey.
Hip, hip, hurrah!
The city is proud of a heroic
feat of its citizens.
But of course!
Hip, hip, hurrah!
Bon voyage and
happy return to the brave.
But of course!
Hip, hip, hurrah!
Fair seas to you
and a following wind!
And please come back soon.
We'll be waiting for brave pals!
We'll sing again: Hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah!
That lady again, where's discipline?
Sir, only gentlemen are
taking this trip.
Two, one, two, one.
Lay on the oars!
Take the oars.
Lay on the oars together!
Two, one, two, one.
This is the best kind of rest:
A boat, fresh air,
just the sun,
just the skies and the river!
And the river.
DAY ONE. THE FIRST DELIGHTS.
10.08 GMT.
Who is sailing, who is sailing?
Suzuki, answer me!
Who's rowing, who's rowing?
Dear J, try to guess!
I've hidden myself
I'm not saying a word
I'm ready to splash him over...
Dearest Harris, nothing at all,
even your performing a part from the
Chio Chio San opera, if I'm right,
can spoil this wonderful day.
I accept gratefully your
inability to row.
Moreover I take it as a
friendly favour.
The water you're pouring over me
is refreshing
and makes me feel quite happy.
No, really, we're going down
the stream in a uniformly
male company.
Quiet and peace.
Montmorency! Montmorency!
Oh, it's George?
Stop whining, George.
Try to feel how refreshing
this breeze is.
What a picturesque cloud. Harris!
Why are you running so, J?
Wait!
It's a real flood.
Why did I get in that boat with you?
I should've stayed home, by the
fire. My feet would've been warmer.
George, day one of the trip,
10.08 Greenwich time.
Leaden sky, rain.
Wonderful.
Harris, my friend!
Let's pitch a tent, if you'd
be so kind.
I beg your pardon, but
I don't really like it...
George. Just the sun and the skies.
- Well? And?
- Well what?
Look, where you're throwing!
You old...
This "old" is the last phrase that
we'll say in front of children.
We agreed, remember?
Good night!
Big Ben! Big Ben!
Evrything else is for
adults only.
Damn this rain! That's alright,
we'll pitch the tent.
We'll need a manual.
Where's the manual?
That's alright, we'll do fine
without it.
Well, I do remember that we should
unroll it somehow,
then pull it tight,
then put it up and
fix it with stakes.
Give me stakes, George.
Harris!
- Harris, where are our stakes?
- What stakes?
Oh, the stakes? There aren't any,
but we'll get them. Hold on.
George, hold this end here and
pull it over there.
- Where?
- Over there
- Where is that?
- Right there.
But what for?
- Don't you want to pitch the tent?
- Honestly? I don't.
- Is it stuck?
- I am stuck. Pull it hard!
Forgive me, for God's sake!
Where are you going? Your hand!
You have absolutely no
travel experience.
- I don't.
- Get in the boat. Thank you!
- Not at all. What shall I do there?
- Try to get some sleep.
Montmorency, send Harris here!
Move it, Montmorency.
George has upset me, I need
a professional helper.
Harris! Harris!
Stop gnawing me, my dear.
Stop gnawing me, sir.
Tell our friends that evidently
there will be no stakes at all.
Well?
- Harris! Harris!
- I'm here. Here.
I've found out that George has
no travel experience.
You're upsetting me.
- I need a professional helper.
- Where's your opening?
- It's right here.
- There it is.
It's quite comfy in here.
And even dry.
- It's easier to do it together.
- Quite. It's done this way.
- George!
- George!
- I'm crawling.
- George! George!
I'm here.
Gentlemen, let's put this tent
on the floor of the boat
and forget it like a
terrible nightmare.
George, you have to get used to
travelling somehow.
- Very well, let's go.
- This won't do.
Very well, let's go.
- Pull yourself up.
- And relax.
Lead us to the boat.
- Alright.
DAY TWO
THE SHIPWRECK.
08:06 GMT.
Two, one, two, one.
All together, all together.
Take the buckets.
Keep going.
All together.
Two, one, two, one.
It's the best kind of rest:
A boat, fresh air,
Just the sun,
just the skies and the river!
A part of the words are
an untranslatable wordplay.
Some I don't understand myself.
The other ones are similar to yours,
which are quite suitable
under similar circumstances.
Montmorency? He's just barking.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Gentlemen! I'm on my way.
Gentlemen! I'm on my way.
I'm almost there.
I'm almost there.
I'm not as nimble as I used
to be, but I'm coming...
I'm almost there.
Almost there.
I'm almost there.
Finally, I'm with you, gentlemen.
Come! Half-guinea and I'll tell
you of the local dead, including
the drowned ones.
It will be interesting for you,
won't it, gentlemen?
Climb up here.
Hurry up, gentlemen.
You'd better leave, sir. Don't you
see that we're busy, sir?
Don't you want to see the tombs?
You must be joking. You're joking.
I refuse to understand you,
young men.
Go away or someone will have to
tell about yourself, sir.
I've worked here for 63 years.
On my honor, there hasn't been
a single living person who wouldn't
like taking a walk
among the graves.
If you are real travelers, you
have to see the monuments,
- crosses, little sarcophagi...
- We're having rest, sir.
And we wouldn't like seeing
tombs, little coffins,
little skulls, to say nothing of
little sarcophagi, sir.
You at least understand me, sir?
You personally. I assure you, it's
quite enlightening. For...
Gentlemen, indulge yourself a little
bit. I'm begging you.
On my honor,
you will never find such
entertainment.
Remember that in this world
you're still travelling, so please
inspect the final destination.
There are heart-breaking
inscriptions on the tombstones.
I can't read some without tears.
No one can make out the words.
Go look at the dark and silence
under the dome of the tombs.
One truth will be
revealed to you:
It's foolish living without fun.
Gentlemen, gentlemen?
What's wrong with you?
Where are you going, gentlemen?
Gentlemen?
Gentlemen, gentlemen...
Two, one, two, one.
Lay on the oars.
Pick up the oars.
Lay on the oars.
All together now -
Two, one, two, one.
It's the best kind of rest:
A boat, gentlemen, fresh air,
Just the sun,
just the skies and the river!
Today is rather restless.
We're in a hurry all the time
for no particular reason.
People keep bothering us.
And I'm always hungry
for no particular reason.
As always, George.
Montmorency, if you keep whining,
I will eat you.
Nerves. He's nervous. Don't you
be afraid. He doesn't eat dogs.
By your bloodthirsty glances, my
friends, I can say that
you haven't yet embraced the nature.
I haven't embraced it, indeed.
I feel a nagging wish to sing
comic songs over the skull
of that meddling little old man.
Why don't we cheer up ourselves
with comic songs?
If you ever hear Harris
sing a comic song
it will become one of the best
experiences of your life.
HARRIS SINGS
COMICAL COUPLETS
Sir William Samuel Harris.
Excuse me, is it Lord Straightgraft?
No, it's sir Samuel Harris.
- How nice.
- Good evening!
It's nice of you, we were just
looking for the staple of the show.
- And therefore...
- Looking for who?
- A singer. Please
- Bravo!
I'm touched!
- Excuse me, what are you singing?
- I haven't begun yet.
- He is so nice.
- My house is only for the chosen.
Ladies and gentlemen who will
accompany me?
And I haven't sung yet.
So who will accompany me
after all?
Don't be shy!
Isn't there anyone who can
play the piano?
- Our Jessie can.
- What? Jessie? How nice!
Please, Jessie, we beg of you.
No, you can't refuse.
- I'm nervous.
- Come on, Jessie.
Jessie, my dear. Here!
Put your hands here!
Now please find the part of the 1st
merchant or rather of the 1st lord.
- Find it, Jessie!
- What exactly should I look for?
- Are you singing?
- We're looking for the "Pinafore".
Find the "Pinafore"
and we will sing.
Is it funny?
- Very funny.
- Thank you.
Jessie!
Don't be nervous.
Find "Pinafore" and we will sing.
Look for "Pinafore".
It's been long since I laughed so.
- Sam Siruel...
- Sir Samuel.
- All the same.
- I find it unpleasant.
- Sir Samuel, don't worry...
- Find me a pina... a pianist.
We'll find one. I think this
young lord will help us out.
- This apathetic person?
- Why is he apathetic?
- Sir.
- Sir.
- What are you going to si-si-si...
- Sing.
- Sir.
- What are you going to pla-pla...
- ...play.
- Sir.
- And what would you-you-you...
- That's enough, sir.
Find songs from "Pinafore" and
we will sing, sir.
He's not apathetic at all.
You see, everything's settled.
A charming young man.
- Please. You found it?
- Yes, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen I'm
going to sing comic songs.
- Please. Thank you, sir.
- Sir.
Comic songs.
Comic songs...
Stop!
Great! I haven't started singing
comic songs
and this charming lassie
is inspiring me already. Thank you!
- You are welcome, sir.
- Sir.
Alright, comic songs.
Comic songs. Co...
Stop!
Do you think it's possible
to listen to comic songs
with such a long face?
I'm begging you, take it with
you out into the garden.
- Take what?
- The face.
- But it would like to hear songs.
- To the garden! To the garden!
- No, I don't understand.
- To the garden! To the garden!
- Please, sir.
- Sir.
Very well, comic songs.
Comic songs are...
Stop!
Why are you laughing all the time?
I haven't sung anything yet.
You can laugh out in the garden.
Together with that young man.
- Go to the garden!
- To the garden! To the garden!
What are you singing about?
- You're not in the garden yet?
- I'm not.
- Go to the garden!
- You will sing there?
You will listen there.
- Please, sir.
- Sir.
Comic songs.
Well, comic songs are not
patter songs or arioso
or even arias. Comi...
Stop!
Oh shy ever-crying miss
Go cry in the garden together with
your charming family.
The whole family to the garden.
Family to the garden.
To the garden with the family!
Go to the garden!
Let's go to the garden, I said.
- Please, sir.
- Sir.
Usually when I sing comic...
Stop!
It's hard to sing comic songs,
when listeners are dozing off.
You, you and you.
- And me?
- Alright, you too. To the garden!
To the garden?
Now you, sir. What are you
playing all the time, sir?
- I'm already in the ga-ga-gar..
- In the garden. Sir.
That's impossible, Sam Siruel,
- pardon me, Sir Samuel...
- What? What happened?
What's upset you, dear?
What is that?
These are comic songs.
Well?
You see, what fun it is?
DAY THREE
George cooks a nice lunch
(the 2nd breakfast)
13:03 GMT
We'll have a delicious steak.
- George.
- One, two and done.
Good job, George! Neat-handed.
It's so nice watching
him at work.
He's like my Uncle Podger.
Let's leave the can
for a moment
and I will tell you
a wonderful story.
- UNCLE PODGER AND A PICTURE
- How long will I stand here?
Open the door for your father!
One, two and done.
Don't interfere anyone.
I'll do all that.
We are going to hang this
piece of art.
Unbend your father.
No, your father's done it himself.
Maria, hold my robe.
Right. Daughter, bring me a dozen
of nails of this size.
Alright, father.
Very well.
A ladder! It's not a puzzle,
it's just a ladder.
Set the ladder.
Help to set the ladder.
Don't get in the way,
bring me two hooks.
Right. Tom, Bill, come to me!
Who's Tom and who's Bill?
- Tell me quickly!
- Tom.
Why do you give birth to
identical children,
I can't tell them apart.
Bill, get me a hammer, Tom,
bring me a ruler. Good.
- Kids, I will need a shoulder too.
- Help your daddy!
It tickles. Alright, here we go.
Your father is a mountaineer.
Here we'll make a hole. Good.
Don't grab me. I don't like it.
I'm cold.
Maria, my robe.
I will need some light or
I won't see a thing.
Maria, you will hold a candle.
Polly, go after Betty, have her
bring me a water-level. Very well.
Tom, Bill, come to me!
Where are those rascals? Rascals?
The rascals! A ruler, a hammer.
Tom on the right, Bill on the left,
I'm in the middle, here we go.
Careful! All together now.
Level it up. Higher! Like a museum.
Step away! How nice! How pretty!
Oh, I'm dropping everything.
Hold the ladder.
Too late to hold the ladder.
Why are you holding that ladder?
Pick up the pieces!
Who picks up pieces this way?
You should pick them up like this.
Like this you should pick up the...
I wanted to show how you shouldn't
do it and I cut my finger.
Give me a handkerchief, quick!
It's in my robe...
Tom, Bill, where's my robe?
Oh, the robe is here.
The handkerchief is in my pants. The
pants are here. Very well.
Handkerchief. Good.
Asking you to do something is
like asking a cat.
Where's the nail? Look for the nail.
I've lost the nail..
Father, it was in your mouth.
You father swallowed it, my dear.
Your father is a clown.
I'm not feeling so well.
Alright, we'll find it later.
How long will I stand on this
damn ladder?
Where's the hammer? Give me the
hammer. Where's the hammer?
Should I stay on this ladder
all my life like a stork?
- Where is that hammer?
- Here it is.
You are all standing here and can't
tell me where the hammer is.
- It's there.
- My children are so nice.
Stupid but nice. The hammer is here.
This is the point. Very well.
I can't see the point.
Help me find the point.
Where's the point? Look for the
point. Here. Not that way!
Put me back!
And leave me alone.
I'll do it all. Watch and learn,
while I'm still alive.
One, two and done.
- George!
- It can happen to anyone.
Harris, what does he want?
Stop him, Harris.
George, I won't...
Don't. I'm telling you. Don't!
- Stop it, George!
- One, two and...
There it goes.
- George is a nice lad.
- Yes, it's interesting.
Harris, what do you need it for?
What for, Harris?
- Harris, what do you need it for?
- We'll get it open.
- What do you need that rock for?
- We'll get it open.
Montmorency! Montmorency!
Where is it? Montmorency, find it!
It can't be.
We won't have steaks.
We'll have pancakes.
Seven. That's for luck, George.
DAY FOUR.
MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE
08:00 GMT
Grenadiers are on the march,
and if we get tired
we'll pull it together -
That's all you need on the march,
Just push and pull together -
That's all you need on the march.
We've been in hundreds of battles,
What matters in wars are supplies,
Just push and pull together -
That's all you need on the march,
Just push and pull together -
That's all you need on the march.
Gentlemen, it seems to me that
this is not what ropes are for.
- And what do you suggest?
- George.
Everything was fine when we were
going down the river.
But now we'll have to go upstream
to the gates.
That elderly trio was
pulling their boat quite nicely.
Harris, you're reading my mind.
I suggest we untangle our ropes.
Since I'm going to cook
Irish stew, you'll have to do
- the untangling.
- Makes sense.
To the boat, double march!
Montmorency!
- The morning exercise is over.
- About time.
- This is not our stuff.
The boat doesn't look like
ours either.
- What are you waiting for?
- What?
It goes that way and from there...
That way!
There it is!
Would you be so kind to
leave our boat alone.
Sir.
- This is not polite, to say the
least. - That sir can't hear us.
And probably he's not a sir at all?
- Give back the boat, you oaf!
- Oh! He can hears us!
We'll draw lots, gentlemen.
The one who gets the long stick,
will go to get the boat. Here.
A short one. A short one.
A short one.
The long one.
You'll have to swim, sir
Thanks, friend.
DAY FIVE
We're going in
a uniformly male company.
It's so nice upon a quiet river,
birds are chirping happily,
Playful rays are on the waves.
It's so wonderful in the world
as long as we don't come across
pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
The day is cloudless and bright
Warm breezes touch the skin
Theres no reason to be sad.
But it would've been lots better
if there were no bothersome,
Pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
After the city noise it's so nice to
see again the way
the trees rustle and brooks sing.
The world would be so pretty
if there were no terrible
Pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
What a graceful group!
- This is a really beautiful sight.
- Don't get distracted, gentlemen.
A noose around the blue one's neck.
My goodness!
Dear lady, I don't want to seem
annoying, but as a gentleman... Hey!
Let me introduce myself.
Harris. I've dreamed of being
not annoying.
These are my friends, George and J.
Would you please tell me
what has caused your anger?
What do these gentlemen want, Emily?
These gentlemen, Anne, think
they can make our acquaintance
in such a vulgar manner.
I can't stand it when fingers
of some stranger touch my neck.
- No need to get nervous.
- Indeed.
Our friend is a remarkable person.
And he has just proven it,
trying to help you avoid
the impending death.
Only Harris,
if he gets to the shore,
- can untangle your ropes.
- Not for the world!
We will never let strange men
handle our ropes.
We are not some dabsters or cits.
Independence is our motto.
We can be as good as your brothers.
You will never depend on my
brothers, lady.
I happen to be
the only son of my parents.
What a silly joke. Isn't it, Pat?
Pat, leave that stupid dog alone.
Birds of feather!
The dog is a spitting image
of its masters!
Why can't you be a bit kinder?
We've made you no harm as yet.
As if that weren't enough!
Order! Order!
Dear ladies, please note, that
we've wanted nothing more
than to help you.
And as the saying goes -
if only we had the honor.
The honor?
Your importunity, gentlemen,
is not an honor but a dishonor.
Mind you, we are well trained
physically.
As you've noticed,
we know some ju-jitsu.
So don't get any ideas!
While we've been having this nice
conversation, take a look what
happened to our ropes.
- I think we'll have to tear...
- Stop tearing our ropes!
These are our ropes
as much as yours.
Stop it! Stop tugging!
If you don't give back our ropes
it may cause
- serious troubles.
- Big troubles.
- Is that all you're capable of?
- Yes, it is.
- You are brawlers!
- Show us which ropes are yours.
These are our ropes.
Give our ropes back!
- Give them back immediately!
- These are our ropes.
Montmorency! This is the end.
- So long, brawlers!
- Good roddance!
Hopefully we'll never meet again.
The day is cloudless and bright,
Warm breezes touch the skin
There's no reason to be sad.
But it would've been lots better
if there were no bothersome,
Pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
What's wrong, gentlemen?
A heatstroke?
George, we're changing the route.
Why? Aren't we going upstream?
- Downstream.
- But we decided to go upstream.
- Down.
- Up. Up..
Down. Down.
So where shall we sail?
The river is bright and deep.
The river is flowing from afar.
Towards the embraces of a blue sea
it's flowing, so beautiful.
A quiet river.
A tender river.
A kind river.
The river is lightly fluttering.
The river and the clouds above it.
Towards embraces of a distant sea
It's flowing, so crystal,
A quiet river.
A tender river.
A kind river.
END OF PART ONE
TELEVISION AND RADIO BROADCASTING
LENFILM
TELEVISION FILM
PRODUCTION GROUP
LONDON
THREE MEN IN A BOAT
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE DOG
BASED ON THE NOVEL BY
JEROME K. JEROME
A terrible time, our poor London,
It's become unsuitable for living.
A man now has to breathe in stench,
and mist and fumes.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
Rumble and gnash, ring and boom,
Machines are devouring the world.
Now a man has to live like
in hell from the birth.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
Cars upon cars are filling
London streets.
These killers have already
murdered two people in England.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
The horrible and terrible,
dreadful and nightmarish,
insane and crazy
19th century.
PART ONE
ONE NIGHT
Good evening, dear
ladies and gentlemen!
And sweet children.
Good evening indeed!
Although I hope that children will
keep us company just for 30 minutes.
As soon as the famous Big Ben
strikes 8 times,
they will go to bed.
Like they used to say:
good night, baby!
By the way, many of you
probably don't know me.
No, I have no claims,
I'll just introduce myself.
My name is Jerome.
No, Jerome Klapka Jerome.
This is my full name.
On the 2nd of May
1889 I'll be
exactly 30 years old.
Yes, yes, 30 years old already.
Or I could also say - still 30.
Although, I've had plenty of
various events in my life.
I've tried so many things!
By the way, it might interest you.
Here, in my hands, I have,
so to say, my complete biography.
Here I am a railway clerk.
Once, while working on time-table,
I got daydreaming, and locomen
didn't know where to go.
So I didn't have much
success in that field.
Here I am a riding
instructor, and, as you may see,
of delicate manners too.
But I haven't had any skills in
either of them since childhood,
and failed to make a career.
Here, a reporter.
Moreover, a shorthand writer.
Once I wrote down the speech of a
Member of Parliament so short,
that it all ended up with
the resignation of the government.
And this is just my Auntie.
No, this is my Granny.
It's me. Myself.
I worked as an actor at that time
in a repertoir theatre.
I used to play a lot of
such comic old ladies.
You can't imagine what farce
at a provincial stage is.
But I will show it to you.
It's easy for me.
So, Mrs Bikely's songs
from my repertory.
I still remember all that
A bench amid scarlet roses,
And a dark-haired guardsman,
Whose name was...
Whose name was...
This is a guardsman not a gopher,
he used to have a name!
Sclerosis...
He told me I was an image
out of his sweetest dreams,
and he begged me on his knees...
What did he beg me for?
What did he beg for?
What had he lost on the ground,
that crazy man?
Sclerosis...
He held me tight and promised
feverishly to marry me.
I don't remember
what happened next...
But something happened...
Something happened.
Did he marry me in the end
or not?
I forget... Sclerosis...
Pardon my sclerosis.
- I beg your pardon, Mrs...
- Mrs Bikely, my dear.
But Mr Jerome asked for supper
without telling me that he
was expecting ladies.
That Jerome of yours
is hare-brained.
- He's always fooling around.
- You are impossible!
- Mrs Poppets.
- Yes, sir?
I should introduce
Mrs Poppets to you.
I'd feel like a lonely orphan
if it weren't for her care.
How many persons should Iay
the table for, Mr Orphan?
I think it will suffice to lay
the table for three.
But I can't see your visitors.
They will show up shortly.
- He's such a day-dreamer!
- Bring it in, Mrs Poppets.
In a moment, Mr Jerome.
You shouldn't lie to an old lady.
Well, I will have to
make something up.
Alright.
My dear Miss Fancy,
it's time to get to work.
It's so rainy
and misty outside,
that even here, in this room,
where the fireplace is crackling,
one feels forgotten and lonely.
Three old loyal and kind friends,
that's what a man needs
on a night like this.
Well, I'm here, sir.
At your service.
This is Harris.
I wish you could hear how he
sings comic songs.
But that's not his specialty.
On top of everything else he is
a walking London guide.
You're quite right, pal.
I know quite a few spots where you
can find some excellent nectar.
And this is my old friend George.
He's great at cooking and
eating whatever there's to eat.
His Irish stew is outstanding.
But he can tell about
himself much better.
That's very true.
And this is our common friend
and a favourite, Montmorency.
Well, like all regular dogs
he can't stand cats.
You are about to see
it for yourself.
Take a look!
Montmorency.
Do you see what it does to him?
Very well, my dear Miss Fancy.
Good enough for a start.
There are three of us.
Pardon, to say nothing of the dog.
THREE HOPELESSLY
DISABLED PERSONS
Gentlemen, let me
tell you a secret.
Lately, I've been reading
nothing but this book.
- What is it?
- This is a Medical Encyclopedia.
Well, comparing description of
various illnesses with my health,
I came to the conclusion
that I have them all.
From St. Vitus's Dance
to the intestinal colic.
- How is it possible?
- For example. Let's see.
George. Letter D. Diphtheritis.
Here you go.
- Not during the meal, probably?
- No, that's the point.
The eyes are diphtheritic, George,
definitely diphtheritic.
I can't see anything, you've got
a steak in there. Swallow it.
It's my tongue.
That's right, during diphtheritis
the tongue looks
like a steak. Go on.
Well. And the pulse?
What about it? You can't swallow.
Those are signs of diphtheritis.
Pulse? There's no pulse at all.
It's diphtheritis for sure.
- Really? Looks like it.
- Hold on.
Well, George, one thing is clear:
you're almost dead. Cheers!
Cheers!
- My dear friend Harris.
- Yes.
It's even worse with you.
- Here - influenza.
- Do I have influenza?
That too.
- I have influenza.
Please, read it.
Listen to him, George!
Influ... influn...
Right. Symptoms. Here we go.
Sluggish. Yes.
Frequent. Well, not all the time.
And finally - liquid.
Do I really have influenza?
My friends.
We are all terminally ill.
- Friends, my heart aches.
- Why is that?
- We all look terrible.
- Terrible, quite terrible.
Montmorency, what illness
is bothering you?
Montmorency is as old as we are
but he is so full of energy.
Gentlemen, the only thing
that can save us is
- action.
- That's right, action.
Sports! Sports!
George, what's that? It's pudding.
- Sports or travels.
- What do you suggest?
I suggest we find an isolated
forgotten spot.
Far from the bustle of the world,
some abandoned bay.
An eyrie on the cliffs of Time
where you can hardly hear
the roar of the 19th century.
Sounds romantic but boring.
I can imagine those backwoods,
where we'll have to go to bed
at 8 o'clock.
There's probably no
"Sports digest".
Besides, one would have to run
10 miles to buy tobacco.
No, this is...
If you really want to
get away from it all,
there's nothing better than
sea-voyage.
- Sea sickness. Sea sickness.
- Outside activities on the river.
Down with this fumy city,
long live the nature!
- That's right.
- By the way, as for the river...
that's probably a good idea.
I must explain myself.
My friends call me J,
so not to get you confused,
when I'm not wearing glasses,
I'm Jerome Klapka Jerome.
And when glasses are on, I'm J.
J.
So now I'm J.
- Sorry! I just wanted...
- We understand.
I wanted to say that you're
absolutely right, J.
Yes, and I said:
J, river is a good idea..
Yes, but we have to agree.
- Alright: nothing extravagant.
- Nothing at all?
What about my Irish stew?
I'll do the cooking on Saturdays.
- You don't have to.
- Let him cook.
Alright, but we'll travel, Harris,
entirely in male company.
- Really? In this case no fantasies.
- Agreed. The journey begins.
Two, one, two one.
Lay on the oars!
What are those?
Oars! Take the oars.
Come on, lay on the oars!
All together, two, one, two one.
Harris, don't back the oars!
Two, one. It's the best rest.
- A boat, fresh air.
- Just the sun. Just the skies.
- There's a river too, by the way.
- The river too.
And that is going to be
the keynote of our trip.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS!
Yes, London is always London
- The weather is always on our side.
- Wonderful weather.
- Quite so.
- Please.
- I beg you!
- I beg you!
Gentlemen, everything
is going quite well.
- True.
- Take us to the port, horseys!
- One, two, one.
- This is definitely the best rest.
- What don't you like? A boat.
- Fresh air.
The sun, the skies, the river.
- What's going on?
- What's happening here?
- It's a fight, can't you see?
- A fire, robbery.
- A wedding, probably?
- Murder.
The second coming.
Three characters and a dog
begin their journey.
Hip, hip, hurrah!
The city is proud of a heroic
feat of its citizens.
But of course!
Hip, hip, hurrah!
Bon voyage and
happy return to the brave.
But of course!
Hip, hip, hurrah!
Fair seas to you
and a following wind!
And please come back soon.
We'll be waiting for brave pals!
We'll sing again: Hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah!
That lady again, where's discipline?
Sir, only gentlemen are
taking this trip.
Two, one, two, one.
Lay on the oars!
Take the oars.
Lay on the oars together!
Two, one, two, one.
This is the best kind of rest:
A boat, fresh air,
just the sun,
just the skies and the river!
And the river.
DAY ONE. THE FIRST DELIGHTS.
10.08 GMT.
Who is sailing, who is sailing?
Suzuki, answer me!
Who's rowing, who's rowing?
Dear J, try to guess!
I've hidden myself
I'm not saying a word
I'm ready to splash him over...
Dearest Harris, nothing at all,
even your performing a part from the
Chio Chio San opera, if I'm right,
can spoil this wonderful day.
I accept gratefully your
inability to row.
Moreover I take it as a
friendly favour.
The water you're pouring over me
is refreshing
and makes me feel quite happy.
No, really, we're going down
the stream in a uniformly
male company.
Quiet and peace.
Montmorency! Montmorency!
Oh, it's George?
Stop whining, George.
Try to feel how refreshing
this breeze is.
What a picturesque cloud. Harris!
Why are you running so, J?
Wait!
It's a real flood.
Why did I get in that boat with you?
I should've stayed home, by the
fire. My feet would've been warmer.
George, day one of the trip,
10.08 Greenwich time.
Leaden sky, rain.
Wonderful.
Harris, my friend!
Let's pitch a tent, if you'd
be so kind.
I beg your pardon, but
I don't really like it...
George. Just the sun and the skies.
- Well? And?
- Well what?
Look, where you're throwing!
You old...
This "old" is the last phrase that
we'll say in front of children.
We agreed, remember?
Good night!
Big Ben! Big Ben!
Evrything else is for
adults only.
Damn this rain! That's alright,
we'll pitch the tent.
We'll need a manual.
Where's the manual?
That's alright, we'll do fine
without it.
Well, I do remember that we should
unroll it somehow,
then pull it tight,
then put it up and
fix it with stakes.
Give me stakes, George.
Harris!
- Harris, where are our stakes?
- What stakes?
Oh, the stakes? There aren't any,
but we'll get them. Hold on.
George, hold this end here and
pull it over there.
- Where?
- Over there
- Where is that?
- Right there.
But what for?
- Don't you want to pitch the tent?
- Honestly? I don't.
- Is it stuck?
- I am stuck. Pull it hard!
Forgive me, for God's sake!
Where are you going? Your hand!
You have absolutely no
travel experience.
- I don't.
- Get in the boat. Thank you!
- Not at all. What shall I do there?
- Try to get some sleep.
Montmorency, send Harris here!
Move it, Montmorency.
George has upset me, I need
a professional helper.
Harris! Harris!
Stop gnawing me, my dear.
Stop gnawing me, sir.
Tell our friends that evidently
there will be no stakes at all.
Well?
- Harris! Harris!
- I'm here. Here.
I've found out that George has
no travel experience.
You're upsetting me.
- I need a professional helper.
- Where's your opening?
- It's right here.
- There it is.
It's quite comfy in here.
And even dry.
- It's easier to do it together.
- Quite. It's done this way.
- George!
- George!
- I'm crawling.
- George! George!
I'm here.
Gentlemen, let's put this tent
on the floor of the boat
and forget it like a
terrible nightmare.
George, you have to get used to
travelling somehow.
- Very well, let's go.
- This won't do.
Very well, let's go.
- Pull yourself up.
- And relax.
Lead us to the boat.
- Alright.
DAY TWO
THE SHIPWRECK.
08:06 GMT.
Two, one, two, one.
All together, all together.
Take the buckets.
Keep going.
All together.
Two, one, two, one.
It's the best kind of rest:
A boat, fresh air,
Just the sun,
just the skies and the river!
A part of the words are
an untranslatable wordplay.
Some I don't understand myself.
The other ones are similar to yours,
which are quite suitable
under similar circumstances.
Montmorency? He's just barking.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Gentlemen! I'm on my way.
Gentlemen! I'm on my way.
I'm almost there.
I'm almost there.
I'm not as nimble as I used
to be, but I'm coming...
I'm almost there.
Almost there.
I'm almost there.
Finally, I'm with you, gentlemen.
Come! Half-guinea and I'll tell
you of the local dead, including
the drowned ones.
It will be interesting for you,
won't it, gentlemen?
Climb up here.
Hurry up, gentlemen.
You'd better leave, sir. Don't you
see that we're busy, sir?
Don't you want to see the tombs?
You must be joking. You're joking.
I refuse to understand you,
young men.
Go away or someone will have to
tell about yourself, sir.
I've worked here for 63 years.
On my honor, there hasn't been
a single living person who wouldn't
like taking a walk
among the graves.
If you are real travelers, you
have to see the monuments,
- crosses, little sarcophagi...
- We're having rest, sir.
And we wouldn't like seeing
tombs, little coffins,
little skulls, to say nothing of
little sarcophagi, sir.
You at least understand me, sir?
You personally. I assure you, it's
quite enlightening. For...
Gentlemen, indulge yourself a little
bit. I'm begging you.
On my honor,
you will never find such
entertainment.
Remember that in this world
you're still travelling, so please
inspect the final destination.
There are heart-breaking
inscriptions on the tombstones.
I can't read some without tears.
No one can make out the words.
Go look at the dark and silence
under the dome of the tombs.
One truth will be
revealed to you:
It's foolish living without fun.
Gentlemen, gentlemen?
What's wrong with you?
Where are you going, gentlemen?
Gentlemen?
Gentlemen, gentlemen...
Two, one, two, one.
Lay on the oars.
Pick up the oars.
Lay on the oars.
All together now -
Two, one, two, one.
It's the best kind of rest:
A boat, gentlemen, fresh air,
Just the sun,
just the skies and the river!
Today is rather restless.
We're in a hurry all the time
for no particular reason.
People keep bothering us.
And I'm always hungry
for no particular reason.
As always, George.
Montmorency, if you keep whining,
I will eat you.
Nerves. He's nervous. Don't you
be afraid. He doesn't eat dogs.
By your bloodthirsty glances, my
friends, I can say that
you haven't yet embraced the nature.
I haven't embraced it, indeed.
I feel a nagging wish to sing
comic songs over the skull
of that meddling little old man.
Why don't we cheer up ourselves
with comic songs?
If you ever hear Harris
sing a comic song
it will become one of the best
experiences of your life.
HARRIS SINGS
COMICAL COUPLETS
Sir William Samuel Harris.
Excuse me, is it Lord Straightgraft?
No, it's sir Samuel Harris.
- How nice.
- Good evening!
It's nice of you, we were just
looking for the staple of the show.
- And therefore...
- Looking for who?
- A singer. Please
- Bravo!
I'm touched!
- Excuse me, what are you singing?
- I haven't begun yet.
- He is so nice.
- My house is only for the chosen.
Ladies and gentlemen who will
accompany me?
And I haven't sung yet.
So who will accompany me
after all?
Don't be shy!
Isn't there anyone who can
play the piano?
- Our Jessie can.
- What? Jessie? How nice!
Please, Jessie, we beg of you.
No, you can't refuse.
- I'm nervous.
- Come on, Jessie.
Jessie, my dear. Here!
Put your hands here!
Now please find the part of the 1st
merchant or rather of the 1st lord.
- Find it, Jessie!
- What exactly should I look for?
- Are you singing?
- We're looking for the "Pinafore".
Find the "Pinafore"
and we will sing.
Is it funny?
- Very funny.
- Thank you.
Jessie!
Don't be nervous.
Find "Pinafore" and we will sing.
Look for "Pinafore".
It's been long since I laughed so.
- Sam Siruel...
- Sir Samuel.
- All the same.
- I find it unpleasant.
- Sir Samuel, don't worry...
- Find me a pina... a pianist.
We'll find one. I think this
young lord will help us out.
- This apathetic person?
- Why is he apathetic?
- Sir.
- Sir.
- What are you going to si-si-si...
- Sing.
- Sir.
- What are you going to pla-pla...
- ...play.
- Sir.
- And what would you-you-you...
- That's enough, sir.
Find songs from "Pinafore" and
we will sing, sir.
He's not apathetic at all.
You see, everything's settled.
A charming young man.
- Please. You found it?
- Yes, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen I'm
going to sing comic songs.
- Please. Thank you, sir.
- Sir.
Comic songs.
Comic songs...
Stop!
Great! I haven't started singing
comic songs
and this charming lassie
is inspiring me already. Thank you!
- You are welcome, sir.
- Sir.
Alright, comic songs.
Comic songs. Co...
Stop!
Do you think it's possible
to listen to comic songs
with such a long face?
I'm begging you, take it with
you out into the garden.
- Take what?
- The face.
- But it would like to hear songs.
- To the garden! To the garden!
- No, I don't understand.
- To the garden! To the garden!
- Please, sir.
- Sir.
Very well, comic songs.
Comic songs are...
Stop!
Why are you laughing all the time?
I haven't sung anything yet.
You can laugh out in the garden.
Together with that young man.
- Go to the garden!
- To the garden! To the garden!
What are you singing about?
- You're not in the garden yet?
- I'm not.
- Go to the garden!
- You will sing there?
You will listen there.
- Please, sir.
- Sir.
Comic songs.
Well, comic songs are not
patter songs or arioso
or even arias. Comi...
Stop!
Oh shy ever-crying miss
Go cry in the garden together with
your charming family.
The whole family to the garden.
Family to the garden.
To the garden with the family!
Go to the garden!
Let's go to the garden, I said.
- Please, sir.
- Sir.
Usually when I sing comic...
Stop!
It's hard to sing comic songs,
when listeners are dozing off.
You, you and you.
- And me?
- Alright, you too. To the garden!
To the garden?
Now you, sir. What are you
playing all the time, sir?
- I'm already in the ga-ga-gar..
- In the garden. Sir.
That's impossible, Sam Siruel,
- pardon me, Sir Samuel...
- What? What happened?
What's upset you, dear?
What is that?
These are comic songs.
Well?
You see, what fun it is?
DAY THREE
George cooks a nice lunch
(the 2nd breakfast)
13:03 GMT
We'll have a delicious steak.
- George.
- One, two and done.
Good job, George! Neat-handed.
It's so nice watching
him at work.
He's like my Uncle Podger.
Let's leave the can
for a moment
and I will tell you
a wonderful story.
- UNCLE PODGER AND A PICTURE
- How long will I stand here?
Open the door for your father!
One, two and done.
Don't interfere anyone.
I'll do all that.
We are going to hang this
piece of art.
Unbend your father.
No, your father's done it himself.
Maria, hold my robe.
Right. Daughter, bring me a dozen
of nails of this size.
Alright, father.
Very well.
A ladder! It's not a puzzle,
it's just a ladder.
Set the ladder.
Help to set the ladder.
Don't get in the way,
bring me two hooks.
Right. Tom, Bill, come to me!
Who's Tom and who's Bill?
- Tell me quickly!
- Tom.
Why do you give birth to
identical children,
I can't tell them apart.
Bill, get me a hammer, Tom,
bring me a ruler. Good.
- Kids, I will need a shoulder too.
- Help your daddy!
It tickles. Alright, here we go.
Your father is a mountaineer.
Here we'll make a hole. Good.
Don't grab me. I don't like it.
I'm cold.
Maria, my robe.
I will need some light or
I won't see a thing.
Maria, you will hold a candle.
Polly, go after Betty, have her
bring me a water-level. Very well.
Tom, Bill, come to me!
Where are those rascals? Rascals?
The rascals! A ruler, a hammer.
Tom on the right, Bill on the left,
I'm in the middle, here we go.
Careful! All together now.
Level it up. Higher! Like a museum.
Step away! How nice! How pretty!
Oh, I'm dropping everything.
Hold the ladder.
Too late to hold the ladder.
Why are you holding that ladder?
Pick up the pieces!
Who picks up pieces this way?
You should pick them up like this.
Like this you should pick up the...
I wanted to show how you shouldn't
do it and I cut my finger.
Give me a handkerchief, quick!
It's in my robe...
Tom, Bill, where's my robe?
Oh, the robe is here.
The handkerchief is in my pants. The
pants are here. Very well.
Handkerchief. Good.
Asking you to do something is
like asking a cat.
Where's the nail? Look for the nail.
I've lost the nail..
Father, it was in your mouth.
You father swallowed it, my dear.
Your father is a clown.
I'm not feeling so well.
Alright, we'll find it later.
How long will I stand on this
damn ladder?
Where's the hammer? Give me the
hammer. Where's the hammer?
Should I stay on this ladder
all my life like a stork?
- Where is that hammer?
- Here it is.
You are all standing here and can't
tell me where the hammer is.
- It's there.
- My children are so nice.
Stupid but nice. The hammer is here.
This is the point. Very well.
I can't see the point.
Help me find the point.
Where's the point? Look for the
point. Here. Not that way!
Put me back!
And leave me alone.
I'll do it all. Watch and learn,
while I'm still alive.
One, two and done.
- George!
- It can happen to anyone.
Harris, what does he want?
Stop him, Harris.
George, I won't...
Don't. I'm telling you. Don't!
- Stop it, George!
- One, two and...
There it goes.
- George is a nice lad.
- Yes, it's interesting.
Harris, what do you need it for?
What for, Harris?
- Harris, what do you need it for?
- We'll get it open.
- What do you need that rock for?
- We'll get it open.
Montmorency! Montmorency!
Where is it? Montmorency, find it!
It can't be.
We won't have steaks.
We'll have pancakes.
Seven. That's for luck, George.
DAY FOUR.
MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE
08:00 GMT
Grenadiers are on the march,
and if we get tired
we'll pull it together -
That's all you need on the march,
Just push and pull together -
That's all you need on the march.
We've been in hundreds of battles,
What matters in wars are supplies,
Just push and pull together -
That's all you need on the march,
Just push and pull together -
That's all you need on the march.
Gentlemen, it seems to me that
this is not what ropes are for.
- And what do you suggest?
- George.
Everything was fine when we were
going down the river.
But now we'll have to go upstream
to the gates.
That elderly trio was
pulling their boat quite nicely.
Harris, you're reading my mind.
I suggest we untangle our ropes.
Since I'm going to cook
Irish stew, you'll have to do
- the untangling.
- Makes sense.
To the boat, double march!
Montmorency!
- The morning exercise is over.
- About time.
- This is not our stuff.
The boat doesn't look like
ours either.
- What are you waiting for?
- What?
It goes that way and from there...
That way!
There it is!
Would you be so kind to
leave our boat alone.
Sir.
- This is not polite, to say the
least. - That sir can't hear us.
And probably he's not a sir at all?
- Give back the boat, you oaf!
- Oh! He can hears us!
We'll draw lots, gentlemen.
The one who gets the long stick,
will go to get the boat. Here.
A short one. A short one.
A short one.
The long one.
You'll have to swim, sir
Thanks, friend.
DAY FIVE
We're going in
a uniformly male company.
It's so nice upon a quiet river,
birds are chirping happily,
Playful rays are on the waves.
It's so wonderful in the world
as long as we don't come across
pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
The day is cloudless and bright
Warm breezes touch the skin
Theres no reason to be sad.
But it would've been lots better
if there were no bothersome,
Pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
After the city noise it's so nice to
see again the way
the trees rustle and brooks sing.
The world would be so pretty
if there were no terrible
Pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
What a graceful group!
- This is a really beautiful sight.
- Don't get distracted, gentlemen.
A noose around the blue one's neck.
My goodness!
Dear lady, I don't want to seem
annoying, but as a gentleman... Hey!
Let me introduce myself.
Harris. I've dreamed of being
not annoying.
These are my friends, George and J.
Would you please tell me
what has caused your anger?
What do these gentlemen want, Emily?
These gentlemen, Anne, think
they can make our acquaintance
in such a vulgar manner.
I can't stand it when fingers
of some stranger touch my neck.
- No need to get nervous.
- Indeed.
Our friend is a remarkable person.
And he has just proven it,
trying to help you avoid
the impending death.
Only Harris,
if he gets to the shore,
- can untangle your ropes.
- Not for the world!
We will never let strange men
handle our ropes.
We are not some dabsters or cits.
Independence is our motto.
We can be as good as your brothers.
You will never depend on my
brothers, lady.
I happen to be
the only son of my parents.
What a silly joke. Isn't it, Pat?
Pat, leave that stupid dog alone.
Birds of feather!
The dog is a spitting image
of its masters!
Why can't you be a bit kinder?
We've made you no harm as yet.
As if that weren't enough!
Order! Order!
Dear ladies, please note, that
we've wanted nothing more
than to help you.
And as the saying goes -
if only we had the honor.
The honor?
Your importunity, gentlemen,
is not an honor but a dishonor.
Mind you, we are well trained
physically.
As you've noticed,
we know some ju-jitsu.
So don't get any ideas!
While we've been having this nice
conversation, take a look what
happened to our ropes.
- I think we'll have to tear...
- Stop tearing our ropes!
These are our ropes
as much as yours.
Stop it! Stop tugging!
If you don't give back our ropes
it may cause
- serious troubles.
- Big troubles.
- Is that all you're capable of?
- Yes, it is.
- You are brawlers!
- Show us which ropes are yours.
These are our ropes.
Give our ropes back!
- Give them back immediately!
- These are our ropes.
Montmorency! This is the end.
- So long, brawlers!
- Good roddance!
Hopefully we'll never meet again.
The day is cloudless and bright,
Warm breezes touch the skin
There's no reason to be sad.
But it would've been lots better
if there were no bothersome,
Pestersome, annoying men!
Pestersome, annoying men!
What's wrong, gentlemen?
A heatstroke?
George, we're changing the route.
Why? Aren't we going upstream?
- Downstream.
- But we decided to go upstream.
- Down.
- Up. Up..
Down. Down.
So where shall we sail?
The river is bright and deep.
The river is flowing from afar.
Towards the embraces of a blue sea
it's flowing, so beautiful.
A quiet river.
A tender river.
A kind river.
The river is lightly fluttering.
The river and the clouds above it.
Towards embraces of a distant sea
It's flowing, so crystal,
A quiet river.
A tender river.
A kind river.
END OF PART ONE