Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story (2005) - full transcript

Man:
YOU LOOK GOOD WITH
A BIG NOSE, ACTUALLY.

( mimics Richard Burton )
YOU COULD BECOME A GREAT
CLASSICAL ACTOR

AND BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

I GOT A LITTLE CREVICE,
CAN YOU SEE THAT THERE?

SEE?

- YES.
- THAT'S FIZZY DRINKS.

- YEAH.
- AND I DON'T THINK
THE COLOR IS GREAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HAVE A LOOK AT THE COLOR.

I SAW THE COLOR
LAST TIME I LOOKED.

IT REGISTERED.

IT'S WHAT I'D CALL
"NOT WHITE."



- WELL--
- WHAT COLOR WOULD
YOU CALL IT?

I WOULD-- I'D CONCUR
WITH "NOT WHITE."

I'D GO FURTHER.

I MEAN,
IT'S NOT YELLOW.

( exhales sharply )
I, YOU KNOW--

IT'S A SLIDING SCALE,
ISN'T IT, YOU KNOW.

- YEAH.
- I THINK YOU'RE...

- YOU'RE A--
- HINT OF YELLOW.

- CLOSEST TO--
- BARLEY MEADOW.

- IF YOU WANNA GIVE IT--
- TUSCAN SUNSET?

- IF YOU WANT--
- ( laughter )

YOU'RE GETTING LAUGHS

BUT IT'S NOT MAKING
YOUR TEETH LOOK ANY BETTER.

NO, YOU KNOW, SO...



PUB CEILING?

THE ELEPHANT MAN.

MMM.

I THINK IF YOUR TEETH
ARE TOO GOOD,

YOU GET BOGGED DOWN
IN THE LEADING-MAN THING,

AND I DON'T WANT
THAT TO HAPPEN.

I THINK YOU CAN
SLEEP EASY AT NIGHT...

( laughs )

ABOUT THE PROSPECT
OF BEING CAST AS
A LEADING MAN.

NOW I HAVEN'T GOT ANY TEETH
AT ALL THERE ON THE BOTTOM.

THANKS FOR THAT.

THAT WAS PLEASANT.

HAVE ANOTHER LOOK.
DO THEY STILL LOOK
THAT COLOR?

- IT'S OKAY--
- LET YOURSELF ADJUST--

IT'S SEARED
ON MY RETINA.

I THINK ONCE PEOPLE
GET USED TO THEM,

YOU ACTUALLY--
ACTUALLY, IT'S A NICE COLOR.

I THINK YOU COULD
DECORATE A CHILD'S
NURSERY IN THIS COLOR.

QUITE SOOTHING.

BUT YOU COULD HAVE SAVED
THEM A FEW BOB IF YOU'D
BEEN CAST AS DR. SLOP.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S VERY
MUCH A SUPPORTING ROLE.

- THIS IS--
- YEAH, AND?
THE POINT BEING?

THIS IS A CO-LEAD.

WELL, WE'LL SEE AFTER
THE EDIT, SHALL WE?

DO YOU NOT THINK SO?

FEATURED CO-LEAD?

IT'S NOT A CAMEO.

IT'S NOT A CAMEO, NO.

IT'S A SUPPORTING ROLE.

IT'S NOT A SUPPORTING ROLE.
I MEAN, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

( sighs )
YEAH.

IT'S A CO. IT'S A CO,
IT'S AN "AND ROB BRYDON."

- IT'S US.
- IT'S NOT AN UNDER.

IT'S STEVE COOGAN,
ROB BRYDON.

IN FACT, IF WE WENT
ALPHABETICALLY,

WHICH I THINK IS
THE ONLY FAIR WAY,

IT WOULD BE ROB BRYDON,
STEVE COOGAN.

YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD
JUST BE RIDICULOUS.

AHEM...

GROUCHO MARX ONCE SAID

THAT THE TROUBLE
WITH WRITING A BOOK
ABOUT YOURSELF

IS YOU CAN'T
FOOL AROUND.

WHY NOT?
PEOPLE FOOL AROUND
WITH THEMSELVES ALL THE TIME.

I'M TRISTRAM SHANDY,

THE MAIN CHARACTER
IN THIS STORY,

THE LEADING ROLE.

( cattle braying )

SUSANNAH!
SUSANNAH!

SUSANNAH!

Tristram:
THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY

THIS IS
A COCK AND BULL STORY.

THAT'S THE BULL,

MY FATHER'S BULL,

AND I'LL SHOW YOU
THE COCK IN A MINUTE.

SUSANNAH!

SUSANNAH!

- IS IT STARTED?
- YES.

- YES, I-- I THINK IT IS.
- OH MA'AM!

- SHALL I FETCH THE MIDWIFE?
- YES.

THESE TWO GENTLEMEN
ARE MY UNCLE TOBY
AND CORPORAL TRIM.

THEY'RE RECREATING
THE BATTLE OF NAMUR

WHERE THEY BOTH FOUGHT.

( men yelling )

GET THEM FORWARD!

COLONEL INGOLDSBY'S ORDERS, SIR.
THE FLAG IS TO ADVANCE

TO THE DITCH
BEHIND THE 50-POUNDER.

WHAT?! THE DITCH?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A DITCH OUT THERE.

THE DITCH BEHIND
THE 50-POUNDER, SIR!

THAT IS A RAVELIN.
A RAVELIN.

A FARMER
DIGS A DITCH!

- AND SO--
- SIR, GET DOWN!

( men screaming )

WHEN I SAID THIS WAS
A COCK AND BULL STORY,

IT WAS MY COCK
I WAS TALKING ABOUT,

NOT UNCLE TOBY'S.

AFTER ALL, AM I NOT
THE HERO OF MY OWN LIFE?

- WHERE'S MY CHAMBER-POT?
- MASTER TRISTRAM,
WHERE IS IT?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH IT?
IS IT HIDDEN UNDER THE BED?

- WHERE IS IT?
- YOU'LL HAVE TO LET
OUT OF THE WINDOW--

I NEED TO PEE!

LIFT YOUR
NIGHTSHIRT UP.

POKE YOUR LITTLE PECKER
OUT THE WINDOW.

DO YOU THINK THE TIME
MIGHT COME WHEN YOU
DON'T MAKE MUCH OF A FUSS

ABOUT PASSING
YOUR WATER? THAT'S IT.

- ( slams )
- ( screaming )

THAT IS A CHILD ACTOR
PRETENDING TO BE ME.

I'LL BE ABLE TO
PLAY MYSELF LATER.

I THINK I COULD PROBABLY
GET AWAY WITH BEING...

18, 19?

UNTIL THEN,
I'LL BE PLAYED BY
A SERIES OF CHILD ACTORS.

THIS WAS THE BEST
OF A BAD BUNCH.

- ( screaming, yelling )
- HE'S UNABLE TO CONVEY
THE PAIN OR SHOCK

OF SUCH AN EVENT.

I THINK I CAN.

SUSANNAH SAID
I WAS DOING IT EXACTLY
HOW YOU DID IT.

IT MAY BE
THE SAME NOISE,

BUT IT DOESN'T
HAVE THE EMOTION.

GO ON, THEN.
SHOW ME HOW TO DO IT.

( screaming )

I WAS DOING IT
WITH A COMEDY,

NOT A PANTOMIME.

( screaming )

MASTER TRISTRAM!

COME HERE, LET ME
FIX IT ALL BETTER.

JUST ABOUT MURDERED YOU.

OH MY DARLING.

- MY DEAR DARLING.
- ( crying )

YES, THERE...

THERE, WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL,
LOVELY MOTHER

ELIZABETH.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

- ( whimpering )
- Trim: IT WAS MY FAULT.

- I REMOVED THE WEIGHTS
FROM THE SASH WINDOW--
- Elizabeth: WHAT?

AT MR. TOBY'S REQUEST
TO MAKE MORTARS FOR
THE SIEGE OF NAMUR.

I WISH NOW WITH
ALL MY HEART I HAD
CUT OFF SOMETHING ELSE.

( gasps )

- ( crying )
- MY POOR LITTLE TRISTRAM.

SO BOTH MY UNCLE
AND MYSELF WERE VICTIMS

OF THE BATTLE OF NAMUR

EVEN THOUGH IT TOOK PLACE
YEARS BEFORE MY BIRTH.

I WAS NOT UNMANNED,
BY THE WAY.

I WAS CIRCUMCISED
LIKE A LOT OF MEN--

MANLY MEN.

I CAN'T SPEAK
FOR MY UNCLE IN THAT AREA,

ALTHOUGH EVEN AS A BOY
I WAS CURIOUS.

SIR, WHERE WERE YOU
INJURED DURING BATTLE?

- THIS STRETCH OF WALL...
- THIS ONE LOOKS
QUITE LIKE ME.

THE FRONT OF THE CURTAIN
IS THE BREAST.

- NONE OF THE MEN--
- THERE'S A RAVELIN
BELOW THIS FOSSE.

- I SHALL DIG IT NOW, SIR.
- THERE WAS INDEED,
CORPORAL, YES.

I TUMBLED INTO IT
JUST-- IN THE COURSE
OF THE AFTERNOON.

WHERE EXACTLY
WERE YOU INJURED?

I WILL SHOW YOU
THE EXACT SPOT.

SOLDIER, QUICK MARCH.

I RECEIVED MY INJURY
AT NINE OF THE CLOCK

- JUST HERE.
- IN THE--

IN THE DITCH.

Tristram's voice:
I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.

I AM NOT YET BORN.

( trumpets sounding )

MRS. SHANDY'S
TOOK BAD, SIR,

WITH THE PANGS, SIR.

THEY'RE COMING THICK
AND FAST. ON MY WAY
TO FETCH MIDWIFE.

- SHE'S DOING BADLY?
- Man: YES, SIR.

WITH THE PANGS.

WHEN I WAS BORN,
MY FATHER WAS FOUR YEARS
OLDER THAN I AM NOW.

SO, GIVEN THE FAMILY
RESEMBLANCE,

I THOUGHT I SHOULD
PORTRAY HIM

- AS WELL AS MYSELF.
- ( bell ringing )

Toby:
WALTER! BROTHER WALTER!

BROTHER, ELIZABETH
ISN'T WELL, BROTHER.

- SHE'S SUFFERING
FROM PANGS.
- PANGS?

I BELIEVE SHE
WAS REFERRING
TO THE BIRTH PANGS, SIR.

SHE'S GONE TO
FETCH THE MIDWIFE

- AND FAST--
- THE MIDWIFE?

NO NO NO NO.

OBADIAH!
OBADIAH!

I WANT YOU TO RIDE
LIKE THE DEVIL
TO DR. SLOP'S

AND TELL HIM MY WIFE
HAS FALLEN INTO LABOR

AND I DESIRE HIM
TO COME IMMEDIATELY.

I WILL NOT HAVE
THE MIDWIFE DELIVER MY SON.

- ( whinnies )
- COME ON! COME ON!
GET UP!

YOU MAY FIND
IT SURPRISING THAT
THE METHOD OF MY BIRTH

HAD YET TO BE DECIDED.

THE CAUSE WAS NOT
TOO LITTLE PLANNING,
BUT TOO MUCH.

"I, WALTER SHANDY,
UNDERTAKE TO ARRANGE
FOR ANY CONFINEMENT

OF ELIZABETH SHANDY
IN LONDON,

AND FURTHER UNDERTAKE
TO PAY ALL EXPENSES

ARISING FROM
THAT CONFINEMENT."

HMM.

WHAT IS THE SMALLER
WRITING HERE?

THAT'S JUST SMALL PRINT.
YOU ALWAYS GET THAT.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING
OF ALL MY WOES.

I SHOULD HAVE TO
STAY IN YORKSHIRE?

YES, ONLY IF YOU ONCE

ALREADY MADE THE JOURNEY
TO LONDON BY MISTAKE.

( man laughs )

Tristram's voice:
IN THE SEPTEMBER
BEFORE MY BIRTH

MY MOTHER, BEING PREGNANT--
OR SO SHE THOUGHT--

INSISTED MY FATHER
TAKE HER TO LONDON.

- YOU ALL RIGHT, MY LOVE?
- I'M FAIRLY COMFORTABLE.

NOT LONG NOW.

JUST ANOTHER TWO DAYS.

TELL ME, DOCTOR,
IN YOUR OPINION,
IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?

I'M AFRAID, MADAM,
IT IS NEITHER.

IT IS A PHANTOM ONLY.

HOW CAN THAT BE?

THIS HAPPENS MORE
THAN YOU CAN KNOW.

£10.

£10 TO TELL US

THAT IT'S WIND
THAT IS INFLATING YOU.

ANY OTHER TIME
OF THE YEAR WOULD
HAVE BEEN FINE, BUT...

ALL MY PLUMS
WILL BE SPOILED.

IT'S NOT THE EXPENSE
THAT BOTHERS ME,

BUT THE DISAPPOINTMENT
OF LOSING A CHILD.

WALTER, I TOO
HAVE LOST A CHILD!

NO MATTER, DEAR.

DON'T FRET.
PLEASE.

Tristram's voice:
UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO
THE LENGTH AND DISCOMFORT

OF THE JOURNEY,
BY THE TIME THEY'D ARRIVED
BACK AT SHANDY HALL,

MY FATHER HAD DECIDED
TO IMPLEMENT THE SMALL PRINT:

"THE NEXT BIRTH
SHALL BE AT HOME."

( screaming )

IT IS INFURIATING

THAT ELIZABETH
HAS THIS HUMOR TO...

ENTRUST THE LIFE
OF OUR CHILD

TO AN IGNORANT OLD WOMAN
WHEN THE ADMIRABLE DR. SLOP

WITH ALL HIS
MODERN INSTRUMENTS

IS SO READILY AT HAND.

PERHAPS SHE DOES NOT
CARE TO LET A MAN

THAT CLOSE TO HER,
UM...

HER WHAT?
SAY IT, MAN.

BY HEAVENS, WHAT'S THAT?
DO YOU THINK SHE'S
TO LAY AN EGG?

YOU KNOW NOTHING
OF WOMEN AT ALL.

( retching )

NOTHING AT ALL.

NO MATTER.
THE POINT IS SLOP DOES.

HE KNOWS THEM
INSIDE OUT.

HE HAS A FINE
BRASS INSTRUM--

OBADIAH, YOU WERE QUICK.

FORTUNE FAVORED US.

- DR. SLOP.
- I ONLY CAME TO BORROW
SOME PIPE TOBACCO.

( squawks )

( men yelling,
horses whinnying )

DR. SLOP!

WHERE THE DEVIL ARE YOU
GOING AT SUCH A RATE?!

TO FETCH YOU, SIR.

I WAS TELLING
MY BROTHER ABOUT YOUR
FINE BRASS INSTRUMENT,

THE ONE
WITH THE HINGE.

IT WAS NEW INVENTED.
IT'S CALLED...

- FORCEPS.
- AYE, THE FORCEPS.

I LIKE THE LOOK
OF THOSE.

THE FORCEPS,
THEY'RE IN A BAG
HANGING OFF MY BED-HEAD.

( screaming )

I COULD...

NO NO, IT MUST
BE DONE PROPERLY.

OBADIAH!
OBADIAH!

- I'LL GIVE THEE A CROWN
IF THOU DOST HASTEN.
- THANK YOU, SIR!

AND I, ANOTHER!

( screaming )
SUSANNAH!

- WILL YOU TAKE
A PIPE, DOCTOR?
- I WILL.

I'D SAY WE HAD...

A GOOD DEAL OF PIPING
AT FLANDERS, DOCTOR.

COME ON!
( panting )

I MEANT PIPE TO SMOKE?

WELL, IF IT'S SMOKE
YOU'RE AFTER,

THEN FLANDERS
WAS THE PLACE...

AT THE BATTLE OF NAMUR

- WHEN THE CANNONS
WERE SET OFF.
- LOOSED.

"LOOSED" IS
THE PROPER WORD,
TRIM, YES.

( sobbing )

DR. SLOP, ALLOW ME
TO SHOW YOU A MAP...

- ( screaming continues )
- ...OF SUCH DETAIL

AND ARTISTRY AS TO MAKE
A MAN'S EYES WATER.

( whimpering )

I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

HERE, THE CITY OF--
COME, DOCTOR, COME--

THE CITY OF NAMUR
AS IT APPEARED

TO THE BESIEGING FORCES
THAT MORNING IN 1695.

THE ENGLISH
AND THE SCOTS

UNDER THE COMMAND
OF GENERAL RAMSAY

WERE POSITIONED
IN THE TRENCHES TO THE RIGHT.

NOW THE DILEMMA
FOR THE GOOD GENERAL WAS:

WHICH WAY FORWARD?

THERE WERE MANY DIRECTIONS
TO CHOOSE FROM.

IT IS MY HUMBLE OPINION
THAT HE CHOSE THE
BEST DIRECTION.

( soldiers yelling )

NO, BROTHER,
WHAT HAPPENED
THAT DAY TO YOU?

IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW...
DOWN THERE.

( Toby wailing )

Trim:
ALMOST THERE, SIR.

( Toby yelling )

WHERE DOES IT HURT?
WHERE WERE YOU HIT?

- Man: SIR.
- ( whistling melody )

THIS MAN'S
LOST HIS MIND.

I THINK THE INJURY
MAY BE IN A DELICATE
PLACE, SIR,

WHICH MY MASTER IS
TOO MODEST TO MENTION.

- ( screams )
- DAMN.

CAN A MAN BE TOO DELICATE
TOO NAME HIS OWN PRIVATES

YET STRONG ENOUGH
TO FIGHT A WAR?

I SHALL HAVE YOU
SENT HOME, SIR.

( sobbing )

( whistles melody )

( whistling melody )

( grunting )

UNLESS THIS OBADIAH
MAKES HASTE,

THE THING WILL BEFALL
US WITHOUT FORCEPS.

( knocks on door )

Toby:
HERE HE IS!

WELL DONE,
SIR, WELL DONE.

GOOD MAN.

( screaming )

A KNIFE, HAVE YOU A KNIFE?

I HAVE A KNIFE.

USE YOUR TEETH,
DR. SLOP.

YOUR TEETH...
OH WELL.

OW, MY FINGER!

NOW THIS, DR. SLOP,
IS A BOOK

- IN WHICH THERE
IS A FINE ENGRAVING--
- I DON'T WANT TO SEE

YOUR ARMIES
AT FLANDERS OR ANYWHERE,

AND IF I GET MY HANDS
ON THE BLOCKHEAD

WHO TIED
THESE BLASTED KNOTS,

I'LL KICK HIM
ALL THE WAY TO
BLOODY FLANDERS.

I HAVE A BOOK--

"COLORFUL WORDS
FOR ALL OCCASIONS."

- LET ME--
- I'VE GOT YOU, MA'AM.

NOW, ON CUTTING
THE THUMB OR FINGER
WITH THE PENKNIFE.

- THERE WE GO,
THE VERY WORD.
- NO, I DON'T WANT...

( screaming )

BY THE AUTHORITY
OF GOD ALMIGHTY,

THE FATHER,
SON AND HOLY GHOST,

AND OF ALL HOLY CANONS,

AND OF THE UNDEFILED
VIRGIN MARY,

- MOTHER OF OUR SAVIOR...
- MAY HE BE DAMNED.

I'LL GO FETCH
DR. SLOP.

( screaming )
NO! NO! NO!

"UNLESS HE REPENT HIM
OF TYING SUCH KNOTS,

MAY HE BE CURSED
IN HIS EYE,

IN HIS MOUTH,
IN HIS HEART,
IN HIS STOMACH,

- MAY HE BE CURSED--"
- DOCTOR, MIDWIFE IS HERE.

THE MIDWIFE IS HERE.

AND SHE'S BRUISED
THE UPPER PART OF
HER THIGH, HERE.

I'LL COME
AND LOOK AT IT.

YOU'D BETTER LOOK
INTO MY MISTRESS.

( gasps )
YOU'RE NOT FIXIN' TO
USE THEM ON THE LITTLE CHILD?

YES, THIS IS
THE VERY LATEST.

WITH THESE...

I CAN EXTRUDE
THE BABY'S HEAD

BEFORE THE MOTHER
HAS A CHANCE TO MASH
ITS HEAD TO DOUGH.

I CAN SHOW YOU.
CAPTAIN SHANDY,

MAKE A BABY'S HEAD
OF YOUR HANDS.

YOU'RE TO IMAGINE
THESE SLEEVES

ARE MRS. SHANDY'S...

FUNNEL.

- FUNNEL?
- MEAT CURTAINS.

MEAT CURTAIN?
BROTHER?

MY BROTHER KNOWS
NOTHING OF WOMEN.

I INSERT
THE FORCEPS THUS,

GENTLY ENCLOSING
THE BABY'S HEAD, YOU SEE?

AND THEN I GENTLY...
TUG IT!

OOH! AGH!

BROTHER!
BY MY HONOR,

DR. SLOP HAS TAKEN
THE SKIN CLEAN

OFF THE BACK
OF MY HAND, MAN,

WITH YOUR... FORCEPS!

YOU'VE CRUSHED
MY KNUCKLES TO A JELLY
IN THE BARGAIN.

LUCKY IT'S NOT
THE BABY'S HEAD.

A BABY'S HEAD IS
NATURALLY AS SOFT
AS A PATH OF MELON.

IT'S BUT A SCRATCH.

- TRIM, FETCH A MELON. RUN!
- YES, SIR.

- ( door slams )
- NOTHING LIKE
A BABY'S HEAD.

- NOTHING LIKE ONE.
- ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

- MELON.
- Dr. Slop: THANK YOU, TRIM.

BABY'S HEAD!

THIS IS A MUCH MORE
ACCURATE REPRESENTATION.

- FUNNEL.
- FUNNEL?

ALL READY,
AND THEN WE MERELY...

( laughing )

HAD MY FATHER POSSESSED
A MORE SCIENTIFIC MIND,

THE TRAGEDY OF MY NOSE

COULD HAVE
BEEN AVOIDED,

BUT HE WAS OF
A MORE PHILOSOPHICAL BENT,

USED TO ARGUING
FROM FIRST PRINCIPLES.

SO EVENTUALLY
WHEN I WAS BORN,

I WAS DELIVERED
WITH THE VERY FORCEPS

THAT HAD CRUSHED
THE PATH OF THE MELON.

( wailing )

( Tristram crying )

THE BABY'S BORN.
YOU HAVE A SON.

( both cheering )

- CONGRATULATIONS--
- I NEED SOMETHING STIFF...

BUT FLEXIBLE
FOR A SPLINT.

- A QUILL, PERHAPS.
- OOH, THAT'LL DO.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO MY SON?

DOCTOR NEEDS
TO MAKE A BRIDGE.

I'M NOT FINISHED.
SUSANNAH!

SUSANNAH!

- DOCTOR.
- SUSANNAH.

HMM.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO MY SON?

THERE WAS
A SMALL MISHAP.

A MISHAP WITH
THE MACHINERY.

- MACHINERY?
- IT IS THE FORCEPS.

HE HAS MERELY...

BROKEN HIS NOSE.

Tristram's voice:
IT HAD EVER BEEN
MY FATHER'S WISH

TO HAVE A SON
WITH A BIG NOSE.

ALL THE GREAT MEN
OF ANTIQUITY HAD BIG NOSES,

A NOSE LIKE
CAESAR, DANTE,

PYTHAGORAS,
NEWTON,

ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

BUT I'M GETTING
AHEAD OF MYSELF.

I AM NOT YET BORN.

I'LL ATTEND THE LADY.

NO!

GEE!

DEIRDRE, CONFOUND YOU!

DON'T YOU TOUCH THOSE!

GET OFF!
GET-- BACK!

MY SON IS
NOT YET BORN

AND ALREADY
I AM EXHAUSTED.

SHOULD WE GO AND SEE
THE FORTIFICATIONS?

( wailing, groaning )

MRS. SHANDY...

- GET ON THE BED.
- ( gasps )

THE BED, WOMAN,
THE BED.

THERE IS NOTHING
MORE IMPORTANT...

THAN THE CHOICE OF NAME

IN DECIDING
THE FUTURE OF A CHILD.

- ( crying )
- FOUR FINGERS,

- SHE'S FOUR
FINGERS DILATED--
- Dr. Slop: GOOD.

THE HIGHEST IS TRISMEGISTUS
AS IN HERMES TRISMEGISTUS,

THE GREATEST PHILOSOPHER,
THE GREATEST LAW-GIVER,

THE GREATEST PRIEST.

AND HE WAS AN ENGINEER.

THEN YOU SHOULD
CALL HIM THAT, THEN.

THE CHILD SHOULD
BE CALLED TRISTRAM.

- TRISTRAM, NO.
- TRISTRAM.

NO, TRISTRAM'S
THE WORST. TRISTRAM IS
THE DOG'S BREATH WORST...

I KNOW.

HOW DID I COME
TO BE NAMED TRISTRAM
GIVEN MY FATHER'S VIEWS?

WELL, EVEN THOUGH MY BIRTH
IS FAST APPROACHING,

THERE'S STILL
TIME TO CATCH

THE TRAGEDY
OF MY NAMING.

( snoring )

SIR, IT'S THE BABY.
IT'S THE BABY, SIR.

HE IS AS BLACK AS NIGHT.
BLACK AS MY SHOES, SIR.

THERE, HE'S AS BLACK
AS MY SHOE.

WE MIGHT LOSE
THE BABY, SIR.

THE PARSON IS HERE
AND HIS HORSE.

THE BABY
MUST BE BAPTIZED.

- YES. HAND ME
MY BRITCHES, PLEASE.
- NO.

THERE'S NO TIME
TO GET DRESSED.

MY MISTRESS WANTED
TO KNOW IF IT SHOULD BE
NAMED AFTER CAPTAIN TOBY

AS HE'S THE GODFATHER.

Tristram's voice:
IF MY FATHER HAD BEEN SURE
I WAS GOING TO DIE,

HE WOULD HAVE
COMPLIMENTED TOBY
BY NAMING ME SO,

THEREBY SAVING THE NAME
OF TRISMEGISTUS

FOR ONE WHO
MIGHT SURVIVE.

BUT HE COULDN'T BE SURE.

THE NAME, SIR,
THE NAME, THE NAME.

- TRISMEGISTUS.
- TRISMEGISTUS.

YOU'RE
A LEAKY VESSEL.

CAN YOU CARRY IT
THE LENGTH OF THE CORRIDOR
WITHOUT SPILLING?

TRISMEGISTUS,
TRISMEGISTUS,

TRIS--
TRISTRAM GISTUS,

TRISTRAM GISTUS...

- ( church bells ringing )
- ( crying )

( baby cooing )

TRISME--

- TRISTRAM?
- NO, IT'S NOT THAT, NO.

THERE IS NO CHRISTIAN
NAME BEGINNING "TRIS"
BUT TRISTRAM.

NO, IT'S NOT TRISTRAM.

IT HAS SOME
"GISTUS" IN IT.

TRISTRAM GISTUS?

TRISTRAM GISTUS!

THERE IS NO
"GISTUS" IN IT, DEAR.

IT IS MY NAME AND A VERY
FINE NAME IT IS, TOO.

I BAPTIZE YOU IN
THE NAME OF THE FATHER,
THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST,

TRISTRAM SHANDY.

ALL IS WELL.
LITTLE TRISTRAM IS
MADE RIGHT WITH GOD.

( Elizabeth
continues crying )

"...BRETHREN,
THIS CHILD IS REGENERATE,

GRAFTED INTO THE BODY
OF CHRIST'S CHURCH.

LET US GIVE THANKS
TO ALMIGHTY GOD..."

( continues reading )

LOOK, MA'AM.

HE IS WELL.

HE'S NOT
BLACK ANYMORE.

MA'AM, LOOK.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

YOU HAVE NOT
FORGOTTEN THE NAME.

( laughs )
NO, AND THE BABY IS WELL.

MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL
TRISTRAM SHANDY.

TRISTRAM?

MY SON HAS BEEN CURSED
FROM THE MOMENT OF
HIS CONCEPTION.

Tristram's voice:
NOW, I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS.

- WELL, IT'S NOT THAT I FORGOT.
IT'S MORE THAT I THOUGHT...
- ( moaning )

I SHOULD SAVE IT UNTIL
WE KNEW EACH OTHER BETTER.

MY FATHER HAD
TWO DOMESTIC OBLIGATIONS

AND BEING A SYSTEMATIC MAN,
HE LIKED TO DISPENSE
THEM BOTH AT ONCE.

THE FIRST WAS
TO WIND THE CLOCK.

THE SECOND
WAS MORE ENJOYABLE.

( squealing )
WALTER!

Tristram's voice:
YOU MAY BE FAMILIAR
WITH LOCKE'S THEORY

OF THE ASSOCIATION
OF IDEAS.

IT'S BEEN UPDATED SINCE
BY PAVLOV AND HIS DOG.

IF THE DOG HEARS
THE METRONOME WHEN
HE'S BEING FED,

THE DOG STARTS TO ASSOCIATE
THE METRONOME AND FOOD.

SO IN THE END,
IF HE HEARS THE METRONOME

EVEN WHEN
THERE'S NO FOOD,

THE DOG STARTS
TO SALIVATE.

A SIMILAR ASSOCIATION
OF IDEAS TOOK ROOT
IN MY MOTHER'S HEAD

BETWEEN ONE DOMESTIC
OBLIGATION AND THE OTHER.

AS SOON AS SHE HEARD
MY FATHER WINDING THE CLOCK,

SHE BEGAN TO SALIVATE,
AS IT WERE.

OF COURSE, IT WORKS
THE OTHER WAY AROUND TOO.

AFTER A WHILE,

IF YOU GIVE THE DOG
THE FOOD WITHOUT
THE METRONOME,

THE DOG PRODUCES
NO SALIVA.

SO ON THE OCCASION
MY FATHER CAME HOME

AND WAS FEELING SO KEEN
TO DISPENSE ONE OBLIGATION

HE SKIPPED THE OTHER,
HE SURPRISED MY MOTHER...

WALTER.

ELIZABETH.

...WHO WAS THEREFORE UNABLE
TO PRODUCE ANY SALIVA.

MY DEAR...

MY DEAR, HAVE YOU NOT
FORGOT TO WIND-UP THE CLOCK?

( grunting )

SO IT WAS
THE CIRCUMSTANCES
OF MY CONCEPTION

WERE AS CONFUSED
AS THOSE OF MY BIRTH.

( sighs )

GOOD NIGHT.

( grunting, wailing )

YOWLING WON'T HELP.

- HOW IS SHE?
- IT MAY BE SOME HOURS YET.

- I CAN SEE THE HEAD, MA'AM.
- LET ME SEE.

- LET ME THROUGH.
- I'LL FETCH THE--

- NO NO NO NO.
- I CAN'T SEE WITH
THE SHEET--

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

LAY HER DOWN FLAT! FLAT!

I CAN'T WORK
LIKE THIS! FLAT!

( screaming )

AND... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.

- WE'LL PICK UP TOMORROW
MORNING. SAME SCENE.
- ARE WE GOOD?

( all chattering )

OKAY, MOVE
THE SET PIECE, PLEASE.

RUSHES SCREENING AT 8:00
FOR ANYONE INVOLVED
IN THE BATTLE SCENE.

I CAN'T ACTUALLY
SEE THE BABY'S HEAD.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT, THEN.

MARK, WE'RE NOT DOING
THE-- YOU DON'T WANT
THE BIRTH TODAY?

NO, TOMORROW MORNING.

- THAT'S GREAT.
- THIS SCENE'S SUPPOSED
TO BE ABOUT WALTER'S...

LOVE FOR HIS SON.

I DON'T FEEL VERY INVOLVED,
I FEEL QUITE PERIPHERAL.

I DON'T THINK MARK'S READ
THE BOOK SINCE HE WAS NINE.

I'M NOT TRYING
TO BE GREEDY--

DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE
IN IT, DEFINITELY.

- ( laughs )
- I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'VE GOT TO SEE
DEBBIE ABOUT SHOES.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET RID
OF THESE AND I'LL TAKE
YOU TO COSTUME.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YEAH.
- YEAH?

- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, I'M FINE.

SHOULD WE TAKE
THIS NOSE OFF NOW

OR SHOULD WE DO IT
IN THE MAKEUP TRUCK?

YEAH, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT--
MY SON WON'T RECOGNIZE ME.

- HEY!
- HELLO.

( baby crying )

- HOW ARE YOU?
- FINE, GREAT, THANK YOU.

OH...

APPLE CRUMBLE
AND CUSTARD.

THEY MADE ME EAT IT.

STEVE?

I'LL TAKE YOU TO COSTUME
WHEN YOU'RE READY.

ALL RIGHT, JENNIE,
THIS IS JENNY.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

THIS IS JENNIE ALSO,
NOT JENNIE TOO,
JENNIE ALSO.

YEAH, ME AND JENNIE
WERE...

FLIRTING BEFORE,
BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,

WE'RE JUST GONNA
STOP THAT FOR A WHILE.

- GREAT, GOOD.
- OKAY? GOOD.

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

- WHAT'S SHE CALLED?
- THANK YOU.

HE'S A BOY.

- RIGHT, SORRY.
- HE'S CALLED STEVEN.

- WHAT, STEVEN
LIKE HIS DAD?
- YEAH.

- HI.
- Steve: HEY.

- HELLO.
- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
- I SAW YOU SITTING THERE.

YOU WANT TO BE
IN THE MOVIE?

- DON'T, YOU'RE
UPSETTING HIM.
- ( laughs )

SORRY, STEVE,
BUT LEO NEEDS YOU
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES

- TO TRY OUT THE WOMB.
IS THAT OKAY?
- NOW?

YEAH, JENNIE'LL
TAKE YOU OVER.

- SO, I'VE GOTTA GO
AND DO THIS, BABY.
- IT'S OKAY.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- ( crying )

- OKAY.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- ( sighs )

YOUR WIFE'S
VERY PRETTY.

YEAH YES,
SHE'S NOT MY WIFE,

BUT A... GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH, SHE'S JUST UP
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

Leo:
HI, STEVE,
THANKS FOR DOING THIS.

- WOW.
- THAT'S THE WOMB

FOR WHEN YOU'RE TALKING
TO THE CAMERA AS TRISTRAM.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
IT'S JUST A WHILE SINCE
I'VE SEEN ONE.

DID MARK TALK TO YOU
ABOUT BEING UPSIDE DOWN?

- NO, HE DIDN'T.
- AH.

THAT'S WHAT
WE NEED TO TRY OUT.

REAL WOMBS DON'T HAVE
A WINDOW LIKE THAT,
THOUGH, DO THEY?

- WOMB WITH A VIEW.
- WOMB WITH A VIEW.

Steve:
SO THAT'S
VERY GOOD THEN.

TELL MY MOTHER
I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU'LL
BE FINE.

YOU CAN LET
THE WALLS OUT NOW.

HEY HEY--
THAT'S WRONG.

OKAY, I'LL TRY
THE OTHER WAY.

( grunting )
YEAH.

Man:
OKAY, LOWER HIM DOWN.

THAT'S IT.

I JUST KEPT GETTING
CAUGHT A BIT.

Man:
THAT'S IT,
OPEN THE WALLS OUT.

RIGHT.
THAT LOOKS GREAT.

- IT LOOKS GOOD?
- IT LOOKS GREAT.

( man laughing )
YOU'VE PUT ON WEIGHT.

- EH?
- YOU'VE PUT ON WEIGHT.

I'VE NOT PUT ON WEIGHT.

IF I'M A FETUS GOING OFF
TO KICK AND STRETCH,

THAT'S WHAT
FETUS-- FETI DO.

YEAH, NOT WHEN
THEY'RE FULL TERM.

YOU SEE THE BABY
JUST ABOUT TO BE BORN,

SO HE'D FILL
THE WHOLE SPACE.

HE'D BE UPSIDE DOWN
AND HIS HEAD WOULD BE WEDGED

IN THE MOTHER'S PELVIS.

( muffled )

HOW ABOUT FILMING
THE OTHER WAY AROUND--

THE RIGHT WAY UP,
AND THEN JUST FLIP
THE IMAGE?

WELL, MAYBE,
BUT I'D HAVE TO HAVE

A WORD WITH
MARK ABOUT THAT.

I MEAN, I THINK HE
WANTED THE REALISM.

- HE WANTS REALISM?
- YEAH.

YEAH, I'M A GROWN MAN
TALKING TO THE CAMERA

IN A FUCKING WOMB.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
GET ME OUT.

- GET HIM OUT--
- PLEASE, JUST GET ME OUT,
HE'S-- HE'S A DICK!

- THAT'S FINE, STEVE.
- ALL RIGHT, PULL--
GET ME OUT.

- GET HIM OUT.
- PLEASE...

( muffled )

NO, YOU JAM ME--
YOU'RE JAMMING ME!

WHOA! EASY! EASY!

EASY, EASY!

- ( sighs )
- ( rooster crowing )

- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH YEAH.

Leo:
THAT WAS GREAT, STEVE.

REALLY REALLY GOOD.

- WELL, GOOD.
- THAT'S GONNA
WORK PERFECTLY.

I THINK THE CLOTHES
MAKE IT TIGHTER.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT
ON THE DAY.

- I'M NOT DOING IT NAKED.
- WELL, THAT'S HOW BABIES ARE.

BUT BABIES DON'T
HAVE TO BE FUNNY.

I THINK YOU'D
LOOK FUNNY NAKED.

"EVERY MAN THINKS
LESS OF HIMSELF

FOR NOT HAVING
BEEN A SOLDIER..."

- DR. JOHNSON.
- YEAH, WELL,
YOU ARE ONE NOW.

HE WOULD DEFINITELY
HAVE WORN A HAT.

HE WOULD
HAVE WORN A HAT.

- WELL, I'VE GOT A HAT.
- NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I HATE THE HAT.

YES WELL, YOU'RE NOT
UNCLE TOBY, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE...

ROB BRYDON.

AH, THAT'S IT.

I WAS TRYING TO TELL
MY WIFE ABOUT YOU,

BUT I COULDN'T
REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

HI, STEVE.

HI.

THIS IS-- IN THE RESHOOTS
FOR THE BIG SCENE.

I'M NOT IN
THE BATTLE SCENE.

NO.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- NOT BAD.

- THE HAT'S A WORRY.
- IT'S HISTORICALLY ACCURATE,

SO WE HAVE TO WEAR IT.
I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER.

- JENNIE?
- MM-HMM?

- CAN I GET A COFFEE,
PLEASE, LOVE?
- YEAH, SURE.

- ROB, DO YOU WANT ONE?
- YES, PLEASE, CAN I
HAVE A MACCHIATO?

- OKAY, I'LL TRY.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ACTUALLY, JENNIE,
CAN I HAVE...

ONE OF THOSE AS WELL?

YEAH, OKAY.

- SHOES.
- SHOES.

YOU WORRY BECAUSE YOURS
ARE DIFFERENT FROM TOBY'S.

IT'S NOT THAT, IT'S--

WALTER IN ALL THE SCENES
WITH TOBY IS SUPPOSED
TO DOMINATE.

THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN
COVERED IN POWDER.

BECAUSE OF THE HEELS,
IT COMES ACROSS THAT I'M--

BECAUSE I'M SHORTER,
I'M OVER COMPENSATING,

LIKE I'VE GOT SOME
NAPOLEON COMPLEX, YOU KNOW.

SO YOU DON'T
LIKE THE SHOES?

SO WE JUST HAVE
TO VOMIT ON THEM.

I SHOULD DOMINATE TOTALLY
IN THOSE SCENES.

IT SHOULD BE LIKE
I'M GANDALF AND HE'S FRODO.

YOU SHALL NOT
HAVE THE RING.

- ( laughs )
- VERY GOOD,
VERY GOOD, ROB.

- I DO STEVE AS WELL.
- CAN YOU?

CAN WE JUST SORT
THE SHOES OUT FIRST?

( mocking )
"CAN WE JUST SORT
THE SHOES OUT FIRST?"

I'VE GOT A BIG HOUSE
IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS.

( throaty voice )
LOOK AT MY POLE!

SEE, THAT'S ALAN PARTRIDGE.
I DON'T SPEAK LIKE THAT.

- I DON'T TALK THAT WAY.
YES, I DO.
- STOP IT!

( laughing )

Wardrobe woman:
SO, ROB'S TOO TALL.

- OR YOU'RE TOO SMALL.
- NO NO NO.

NO, ROB'S SHOES
ARE TOO HIGH.

ROB'S SHORT.
THAT'S A GOOD THING.

- HMM.
- THAT'S WHY
HE WAS HIRED.

THE PROBLEM'S
CONTINUITY BECAUSE

WE'VE ALREADY SHOT QUITE
A BIT WITH THESE SHOES.

IT SHOULD STAND STRAIGHT.
THESE ARE JUST TOO FLOPPY.

THIS IS NOT AN EGO THING.
IT REALLY IS...

IT'S... THE SHOES ARE
KEY TO THE CHARACTER.

THE CHARACTER'S SOUL...

IT'S COFFEE,
BUT IT'S NOT MACCHIATO.

WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY I'M HERE THEN,
IN THAT CASE.

- GREAT, OKAY.
- THEY WANT YOU TO DO IT IN
COSTUME. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

Man:
THIS IS WRONG.

THIS IS
THE WRONG SHOULDER.

YOU WOULD FIRE
FROM THAT SHOULDER.

LET'S JUST
TRY AND GET THE
HATS ON THEM.

AHA!

I'M NOT A HAPPY BOY.

RIGHT.
( laughs )

- HEY, JENNIE, THANKS.
I'LL TAKE OVER.
- HEY.

THANKS.

- THANKS, JOHNNY.
- ALL RIGHT.

TONY THOUGHT IT WOULD
LOOK GOOD IF WE HAD SOME
CREW IN THE BACKGROUND.

- IS THAT OKAY?
- YEAH.

- HOW YOU DOING, BOY?
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

CAN WE START WITH
KNOWING ME, TONY WILSON,
KNOWING YOU STEVE COOGAN?

- NOW, HOW IS THAT?
- LET'S RISE ABOVE THAT,
SHALL WE?

- OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
- NO, IT'S JUST--

IT'S SOMETHING A TV SERIES
DID A LONG TIME AGO,

AND I'M TRYING TO LIKE...

SORT OF...

- CHANGE THE RECORD.
- ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, SORRY,
MY FAULT, MY FAULT.

I DID ROB YESTERDAY

AND HE DOES A FANTASTIC
IMPERSONATION OF YOU.

THEY SAID, "WHEN YOU GOT TO
MAKE IT LIKE STEVE, MAKE IT
LIKE STEVE COOGAN."

WELL, STEVE,
NO MATTER WHAT HE'S DOING,

IS BASICALLY...

( mocking )
OH, YOU'RE SO DIRTY.

I MEAN THAT'S BASICALLY
WHETHER HE'S WALTER,

WHETHER HE'S TRISTRAM,
WHETHER HE'S STEVE,

OR HE'S ALAN PARTRIDGE,

IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO THAT.
STEVE'S HERO IS...

IS ROGER MOORE.

AND ROGER MOORE'S
STYLE OF ACTING

( mocking )
IS NOT A MILLION MILES
AWAY FROM STEVE'S.

YEAH, I SEE--

IMPRESSION I SEE AS
A SINCERE FORM OF FLATTERY.

HE PRETENDS HE'S TAKING
THE PISS, BUT HE...

HE LOVES ME, REALLY.

HE'S VERY
OBSESSED WITH ME.

Tony:
STEVE COOGAN,
WHY "TRISTRAM SHANDY"?

THIS IS THE BOOK
THAT MANY PEOPLE
SAY IS UNFILMABLE.

I THINK THAT'S
THE ATTRACTION.

"TRISTRAM SHANDY"
WAS A...

POST-MODERN CLASSIC

WRITTEN BEFORE
THERE WAS ANY MODERNISM

TO BE POST ABOUT.

SO IT WAS WAY
AHEAD OF ITS TIME

AND, IN FACT, FOR THOSE
WHO HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT,

IT WAS ACTUALLY
LISTED AS NUMBER EIGHT

IN "THE OBSERVER"'S

TOP 100 BOOKS
OF ALL TIME.

THAT WAS
A CHRONOLOGICAL LIST.

RIGHT. OKAY...

Steve:
IF YOU WANT TO SEE
THE E.P.K. INTERVIEW,

IT'LL BE PART
OF THE DVD PACKAGE

ALONG WITH EXTENDED VERSIONS
OF MANY OF THE SCENES

WHICH SHOULD
ACT AS FOOTNOTES
TO THE MAIN FILM.

IT IS TRISTRAM'S STORY.

IT'S CALLED
"THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY."

SO I GUESS IT WOULD
BE TRISTRAM'S STORY,

WHATEVER ELSE
YOU MIGHT HEAR.

STEVEN COOGAN,
TRISTRAM SHANDY,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, THANKS.

- GREAT.
- I WAS SO PLEASED WHEN
I HEARD YOU WERE DOING THIS.

IT'S MY FAVORITE NOVEL.

- REALLY?
- YEAH, I JUST LOVE IT.
IT'S FANTASTIC.

WHO'S PLAYING WIDOW WADMAN?

IT'S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER,
WIDOW WADMAN, IN THE BOOK.

- RIGHT, SHE'S NOT
IN THE FILM.
- NO?

- NO?
- IT'S A GREAT
LOVE STORY.

I KNOW, IN THE BOOK
IT'S A GREAT LOVE STORY.

BUT THERE'S
SO MUCH IN THE BOOK,

SO RICH, THEY'VE
GOTTA-- YOU KNOW--

- IT'S SAD, I UNDERSTAND.
- LOADS OF STUFF IN IT.

YOU'VE GOT TIME
FOR A DRINK?

THE MISSUS IS HERE,

- SO...
- DON'T YOU WORRY.

LET'S CATCH UP
IN MANCHESTER.

ALL RIGHT, MATE,
GREAT SEEING YOU.

LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- ALL RIGHT, BOY.
- KEEP IT UP.

- GOD BLESS.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU. ED!

OH, MARK, I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

- SHOES, YEAH?
- YEAH YEAH.

THERE'S A BIT
OF A PROBLEM.

- TALK TO DEBBIE
ABOUT THEM.
- OKAY.

WE'LL HAVE A LOOK
AT RUSHES AS WELL,

GO OVER THE BATTLE STUFF.

- OKAY, IT'S A STATUS THING.
- NO, I UNDERSTAND.

- WELL, 8:00,
IS THAT RIGHT?
- YEAH.

STEVE? STEVE, CAN I
GRAB A LIFT WITH YOU?

THE MINIBUS HAS GONE
AND LEFT ME STRANDED.

- YEAH, SURE.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- JUST HOP IN THE BACK.
- ALL RIGHT.

- IT'S QUITE CHILLY, ISN'T IT?
- ISN'T IT?

- YEAH.
- BRRR.

SORRY, STEVE.

BLOCKING YOUR WAY.

Steve:
I WOULD DO A SCREEN TEST
FOR ALEXANDER PAYNE, YEAH--

Rob:
STEVE, SO WOULD I.

SO WOULD ROB BRYDON.

( laughing )

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU
BACK AT THE HOTEL.
OKAY, BYE.

- SORRY, THAT WAS MY AGENT.
- MY AGENT AS WELL.

SHE JUST WANTS TO TALK
TO ME ABOUT SOME SCRIPTS...

- FROM AMERICA. YEAH.
- OH, RIGHT.

FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

FUCK YOU,

YOU SON OF A BITCH--
ASSHOLE,

FUCK YOU.

I'M TAKING YOU DOWN.

Jennie:
I HATE BATTLE SCENES.

I THINK THEY'RE BORING.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY THEY'RE BOTHERING
TO RESHOOT THIS ONE.

- IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE TO ME.
- I COULDN'T AGREE MORE--

I MEAN, THERE IS
SO MUCH IN THAT NOVEL.

WHY WOULD YOU
CHOOSE THAT?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- EXACTLY EXACTLY.

WHY NOT CHOOSE WIDOW--
WHAT'S-HER-NAME?

NO NO, 'CAUSE THAT'S
A LOVE STORY, ISN'T IT?

LOVE STORIES
ARE JUST AS BORING
AS BATTLE SCENES.

WHAT IS--
WHAT IS SO ORIGINAL

AND EXCITING
ABOUT THE NOVEL

IS THE "TRISTRAPAEDIA."

WHERE TRISTRAM--

NO NO, IT'S WHERE WALTER
SPENDS THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY

LIKE COMPILING
THIS BOOK OF KNOWLEDGE

LIKE AN ENCYCLOPEDIA,

JUST FOR HIS SON.

THE JEWISH CUSTOM
OF CIRCUMCISION

CAME TO THE JEWS
BY WAY OF EGYPT

OR POSSIBLY
FROM THE SYRIANS

OR THE PHOENICIANS
OR THE CAPPADOCIANS,

WHICH SUGGESTS...

THAT ZOLA AND PYTHAGORAS
AND PTOLEMY

WERE ALL CIRCUMCISED.

IF THEY SUBMITTED TO IT,
WHY NOT YOU?

I THINK THAT'S BRILLIANT.

YEAH, I LOVED
THE DEDICATION

THAT WALTER SHOWS
TO HIS SON

AND I IDENTIFY
WITH THAT.

AND THEN
YOU KNOW, LIKE,

TRISTRAM GROWS UP

AND HE'S NOTHING LIKE
HIS FATHER WANTED HIM TO BE.

IT JUST ALL GOES WRONG,
LIKE WE ALL GO WRONG.

BECAUSE ULTIMATELY,
THE WAY WE TURN OUT

- IS JUST ALL A MATTER
OF CHANCE, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH.

I MEAN, LIKE,
FOR INSTANCE,

MY MOM SPENT HER ENTIRE LIFE
DEDICATING HERSELF TO ME.

SHE WASHED, SHE COOKED,
SHE CLEANED, SHE IRONED,

SHE WORKED
IN THE EVENINGS.

- SHE MADE HER LIFE
A FUCKING MISERY.
- YEAH YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU ASK YOURSELF,
"WHAT-- WHAT WAS THAT
ALL ABOUT?"

- THE ROAD.
- YEAH, SORRY.

I MEAN, YEAH,
BUT YOU KNOW,

YOU DO ASK YOURSELF,
"WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?"
YOU KNOW?

THAT SHOULD BE
IN THE FILM.

YOU KNOW, ORIGINALLY
I WAS GONNA PLAY

TRISTRAM AND WALTER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN
IT WAS GONNA BE A SITCOM.

GOD, LOOK AT THEM!
THIS IS GONNA BE MASSIVE.

( people yelling )

THERE'S LOADS OF THEM.

THEY'VE ALL BROUGHT
THEIR OWN TENTS.

Steve:
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD
CARAVANS IN THE 18th CENTURY.

Man:
STEVE? STEVE?

HOW ARE YOU
DOING, MAN?

KNOWING ME, GARY WILSON,
KNOWING YOU, STEVE COOGAN.

- IT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO.
- I KNOW, BUT EVERYONE
LOVED IT.

- I KNOW THEY DID.
- WE MET ON THE SET
OF "AROUND THE WORLD"

IN CANNES FOR
"24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE."

- OH RIGHT.
- WHAT A NIGHT THAT WAS, EH?

WELL, I CAN'T REMEMBER IT,
IT MUST HAVE BEEN.

( coughs )
YEAH, INDEED.
I SPOKE TO ADRIAN,

YOUR AGENT, YEAH?
I'M DOING A PROFILE
ON YOU FOR SUNDAY.

HE'S HERE,
SO I'LL TALK TO HIM.

YEAH, GREAT.
GOOD GUY.

- HELLO!
- HELLO!

- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- NICE TO SEE YOU-- AW...
- ( crying )

NICE TO HEAR US.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!

- REALLY GOOD.
- I LOOK DREADFUL.

NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU LOOK LIKE A MOM

WHO'S HAVING
TO DO EVERYTHING

BECAUSE HER HUSBAND
IS AWAY FILMMAKING.

SHE'S GOT
A NANNY.

BUT SHE HAS A NANNY,
SO THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH. I'LL
SEE YOU LATER.

- I NEED TO GO
TO THE RUSHES.
- OKAY.

I'M GOING TO TRY
AND GET HIM DOWN.

CAN YOU GIVE US
A HAND?

I'LL GO SEE ADRIAN
FOR FIVE MINUTES

- THEN I'LL COME BACK.
- OKAY.

SEE YOU LATER.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- VERY WELL, THANK YOU.

- YOU JUST MISSED JENNY.
- NO, I JUST SAW HER.

DO YOU MIND
IF I JUST HAVE FIVE MINUTES
TO TALK WITH ADRIAN?

- DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?
- YEAH.

- EVERYBODY'S THERE,
YOU SHOULD GO.
- ALL RIGHT.

- IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
- CATCH YOU LATER.

- SEE YOU LATER.
- DO YOU WANT A DRINK?

YEAH, CAN I HAVE
A VODKA TONIC, PLEASE?

( mutters )

MM... CATERING
MUST BE GOOD.

IT'S JUST IT HAS
ALL THESE RUNNING SNACKS.

ALL SNACKS AND NO RUNNING
BY THE LOOK OF IT.

- I'M SORRY ABOUT
GARY BEING HERE.
- YEAH, I JUST SAW HIM OUTSIDE.

HE'S A VERY
UNPLEASANT MAN.

DO YOU REMEMBER ANYONE
CALLED HEATHER?

- GOBBLER?
- GOBBLER.

SHE'S A LAP DANCER

AND BY THE SOUND
OF WHAT SHE SAYS

YOU'D GONE UP TO HER
IN YOUR HOTEL BEDROOM
ON THE 20th OF JANUARY.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLE
TO REMEMBER HER.

( sighs )
OH FUCK.

- DID YOU HAVE
SEX WITH HER?
- NO.

- DRUGS?
- NO.

- YOU DIDN'T
HAVE SEX WITH HER?
- NO.

NO, YOU DIDN'T?

NO... I DID.

ANYTHING WEIRD?

MM...

- NO.
- GOOD.

SHE'S TRYING TO SELL
HER STORY TO GARY'S RAG.

THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE.

I PROMISED HIM A FEATURE
IF WE CAN LIMIT THE DAMAGE.

HE JUST WANTS
TO DO A BIG SPREAD

ON HOW YOUR LIFE
HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED

SINCE YOU'VE HAD
A BABY, YOU KNOW,
VERY SOFT AND FLUFFY.

WELL, I'M NOT ABLE
TO DO THAT, SO...

- WELL, JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
- IT'S USING MY SON.

- I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
IT'S NOT PROPER.
- ALL RIGHT.

JUST DO IT.
IT'S DONE AND IT'S OVER.

- IT'S JUST--
- I KNOW.

HERE ARE THOSE SCRIPTS
FROM AMERICA.

THE BEST OF
THE BUNCH IS H.B.O.--

AN ENGLISH AID WORKER
WHO LOSES HIS MEMORY

AND FALLS IN LOVE
WITH HIS OWN DAUGHTER.

I'VE READ IT.
IT'S RUBBISH.

IT'S JUST...
IT'S TV--

- AT H.B.O. THEY DO
A LOT OF GOOD STUFF.
- MM-HMM.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO PLAY
SOMEONE WHO FALLS IN LOVE
WITH HIS DAUGHTER.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE
A PEDOPHILE.

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA TRY
TO THINK TWO FILMS AHEAD.

DON'T I NEED
TWO FILMS FOR THAT?

YEAH WELL, THAT'S WHAT
WE'RE TRYING TO DO,
ISN'T IT?

WELL, THERE YOU GO.
I'M GONNA SEE JENNY

- 'CAUSE I'VE GOTTA--
- THE SCRIPTS.

AH, THE SCRIPTS.
YES YES.

I'LL ADD THOSE
TO THE REST.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE RUSHES.

- SEE YA LATER. BYE.
- SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
THANKS.

( all chat )

STEVE, STEVE...
THIS IS DAVID
INGOLDSBY.

- A GENUINE
18th-CENTURY SOLDIER.
- 17th CENTURY.

YOU LOOK GOOD
FOR YOUR AGE.

THE POINT IS THEY'VE GOT
HUNDREDS OF ENTHUSIASTS

AND THEY'RE ALL WILLING,
ABLE AND... CHEAP.

- MM.
- WELL, WE'D DO IT
FOR NOTHING,

- TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
- DON'T TELL HIM THAT.

HE'LL HAVE HAVE YOU
DOING IT FOR NOTHING.

IT'LL BE GREAT
TO HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH
WITH YOU, THOUGH,

'CAUSE I'M A HUGE FAN.

- FIRE AWAY.
- DO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE THAT?

- JUST POINT AND SHOOT.
- ALL RIGHT THEN.

DAVE'S JUST BEEN IN
"AROUND THE WORLD
IN 80 DAYS."

- ANY BATTLES?
- WELL, NOT REALLY.

IT WAS A JACKIE CHAN FILM.
TELL HIM--

DO YOU KNOW THAT
THE BEST BATTLE SCENE

IS IN "LANCELOT DU LAC"?

YOU KNOW--
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,
THE BRESSON FILM.

IT'S JUST THERE'RE
THESE TWO KNIGHTS

AND THEY'RE BOTH
ENCASED IN ARMOR,

AND THEY JUST KEEP
CLOBBERING EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW,
IT GOES ON FOREVER.

YOU'RE JUST HITTING
AND HITTING.

IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE
A METAPHOR FOR LIFE,
YOU KNOW?

IT'S ABOUT THE IMPOSSIBILITY
OF ACTUALLY CONNECTING

WITH ANOTHER
HUMAN BEING,

BECAUSE
WE'RE ALL WEARING
THESE CARAPACES,

THIS CASING,
THIS RUBBISH, REALLY.

AND THE MORE
THEY HIT AND HIT,

ACTUALLY,
THE LESS THEY IMPACT.

IT'S-IT'S JUST...

REALLY REALLY MOVING,
ACTUALLY.

MM-HMM, WOW.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- OKAY, SEE YOU LATER THEN.

SEE YOU LATER.

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

( chuckles )
YEAH, SHE'S A BIT
OF A FILM NUT.

YOU SHOULD HEAR HER
WHEN SHE'S ON ABOUT FASSBINDER.

- FASSBINDER?
- I'VE GOT A LIST

OF THE MEN
THAT FELL--

92 DIED
THAT MORNING,

SO YOUR CHAP WAS LUCKY
TO BE ALIVE.

I COULD FIX UP YOUR LOT
WITH REAL, ACCURATE NAMES,

AND THEN THEY CAN SHOUT OUT
THEIR NAMES TO EACH OTHER

IN THE HEAT
OF THE BATTLE.

- WHAT DO WE THINK?
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT WOULD BE REALLY--

HAVE YOU SEEN
"COLD MOUNTAIN"?

- YEAH.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THOUGHT
IT WAS GOOD.

I THOUGHT NICOLE KIDMAN
WAS A BIT OLD,

- BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS A GOOD FILM--
- NO NO, THE BATTLE SCENES.

OH, FANTASTIC!
VERY VERY GOOD.

THAT EXPLOSION
AND WHEN HE JUMPS DOWN...

- THAT WAS THE BEST ONE.
- IT'S SHITE!

UTTER SHITE
FROM BEGINNING TO END.

WOEFULLY INACCURATE.

RIGHT.

WE WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED
IN PARTICIPATING

- IN A PANTOMIME
LIKE THAT.
- RIGHT.

Jenny:
SPLISHY-SPLASHY WATER.

LOOK AT YOU GO!

OOH! OH GOD!

( crying )

OH DEAR.

- WILL YOU BATHE ME LATER?
- NO, I WON'T,

THOUGH YOU COULD
DO WITH ONE.

- THOSE ARE PHEROMONES.
- UH-HUH.

CAN YOU DO
THE COT UP?

A LOT OF WOMEN
FIND THAT SEXY.

DADDY'S GONNA PUT
YOUR COT UP.

OOH OOH OOH...

( classical music playing )

WHAT'S THIS?

BACH.

IT HAS A CALMING EFFECT
ON BABIES.

MY PARENTS NEVER
PLAYED ME BACH.

THEY PLAYED ME
NEW SEEKERS.

I TURNED OUT FINE.

YOU LIKE BACH,
DON'T YOU?

YES, IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

- JENNY?
- YEAH?

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE
MY NOSE STRAIGHTENED?

( whispers )
OH GOD!

DO YOU THINK I'VE GOT
A CHARACTER ACTOR'S NOSE
OR A LEADING MAN'S NOSE?

I THINK IT'S YOUR NOSE.

I THINK WHEN
THE TIME COMES

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE
A CHIN TUCK

AND THEN LEAVE IT
AT THAT.

SHH!

HE'S JUST NODDING OFF.

( knocks on door )

NO, DON'T ANSWER IT.

- HEY.
- HI.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT THEY'RE
SCREENING THE RUSHES NOW.
WHEN YOU'RE READY...

OKAY, I'LL SLIP INTO
SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

- WHAT IS IT?
- I'VE GOTTA GO SEE
THE RUSHES.

- SORRY, BABY.
- DO YOU HAVE TO?

YEAH, I WON'T BE LONG.

AT LEAST I DON'T
SMELL ANYMORE.

THESE BOTTLES
ARE FILTHY.

PROBABLY QUITE EXPENSIVE.
YOU'D THINK SOMEONE
WOULD CLEAN THEM.

- HELLO.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- OKAY.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.

- HOW ARE THE KIDS?
- GOOD.

- HOW MANY IS IT NOW?
- SEVEN.

- YOU'VE GOT SEVEN CHILDREN.
- YEAH, SERIOUSLY.

ONE FOR EVERY DAY
OF THE WEEK.

SEE, NOW THERE'S
A GOOD GROUCHO MARX
STORY ABOUT...

SEE, HE MEETS A WOMAN
WITH SEVEN CHILDREN

AND SAYS, "WHY'VE
YOU GOT SEVEN KIDS?"

AND SHE SAYS,
"BECAUSE I LOVE MY HUSBAND."

HE SAYS, "WELL, I LIKE
MY CIGAR, BUT I TAKE IT
OUT NOW AND AGAIN."

HERE'S MARK.
OKAY, LET'S SIT. GREAT.

- HAVE YOU GOT THE TAPE.
- UH NO...

MARK'S PUT TOGETHER

A ROUGH ASSEMBLY
OF THE BATTLE SCENES

AND, AS YOU ALL KNOW,
WE HAD VERY LITTLE MONEY
WHEN WE SHOT IT.

WE'RE ALL AGREED
THAT WE HAVE A POSSIBILITY
OF A VERY EXCITING FILM,

BUT WITH A SLIGHTLY
SMALL HOLE IN IT

WHERE THE BATTLE SHOULD BE,
WHICH WE NEED TO RESHOOT.

BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT
AFTER WE'VE SEEN
WHAT WE'VE GOT.

OKAY, PETER,
I'LL DO THE LIGHTS.

MEL GIBSON'S NOT
GONNA LOSE ANY SLEEP.

THE MODEL IS MORE
IMPRESSIVE THAN THIS.

STAND BY CANNONS
TO RELOAD!

Rob:
I AM LEADING LITERALLY
TENS OF MEN.

- THIS IS
A POLE VAULTING SCENE?
- Man: I THINK WHAT WE NEED

IS A BIT
OF A SCORE UNDER IT.

- QUITE RIGHT.
- WHO'S THE MUSIC COMPOSER?

WE HAVEN'T MADE
ANY DECISIONS ABOUT THAT.

- ( drum beating )
- ( flute whistling )

- ( scattered applause )
- THAT'S GREAT.

WELL DONE, EVERYONE.
EVERYBODY, THAT'S WHERE
WE ARE NOW.

IF ANYBODY WANTS
TO SAY ANYTHING?

I THINK THAT THE--
THAT SCENE,

BECAUSE IT LOOKS SO CHEAP,
IT ACTUALLY MAKES IT FUNNIER.

IT WORKS 'CAUSE IT'S FUNNY.

WELL, IT'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

TOBY'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
THE BATTLE IS SUPPOSED
TO LOOK LIKE A BATTLE.

YOU LOOK REALLY REALLY GOOD
IN YOUR COSTUME.

- YEAH.
- YEAH, YOU LOOKED GREAT.

THERE'S A PROBLEM
WITH THAT TOO

'CAUSE SOME OF
THE LEAD COSTUMES
ARE OUT OF PERIOD.

THEY'RE ABOUT
50 YEARS OUT OF DATE.

I THINK I SAW
A ROMAN CENTURION
AT ONE POINT.

YOU EITHER
GO FOR PROPER,
FULL-ON "BRAVEHEART"--

CLEARLY,
THAT'S NOT AN OPTION--

OR YOU GO FOR "SILLY MAN
IN A COMEDY BATTLE,"

WHICH IS WELL WITHIN
OUR GRASP.

THE THING IS
WE NEED TO RESHOOT IT.

GOTTA HAVE THE BATTLE SCENE
OR HAVEN'T GOT A WHOLE MOVIE.

OH NO, BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
I WAS READING THROUGH

SOME OF JOE'S OLD DRAFTS.
THERE NEVER WAS A BATTLE
SCENE, WAS THERE?

- NO.
- WHAT ABOUT
THE CHESTNUT SCENE?

DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN YOU ASKED US
TO FINANCE THE MOVIE,

YOU ACTED OUT A SCENE
WHERE YOU DROPPED A HOT
CHESTNUT DOWN YOUR TROUSERS?

- I MEAN, THAT'S WHY
WE GAVE YOU THE MONEY.
- AHH.

WENT WELL,
I THOUGHT.

EXCEPT IT'S NOT WALTER
WHO DOES IT, IS IT?

I MEAN, IT WON'T BE STEVE
DOING IT IN THE FILM.

WAIT A MINUTE, JOE.
YOU'RE SERIOUS?

- IT DIDN'T MATTER THOUGH--
- I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
THAT FOR WEEKS!

Steve's voice:
FIRST I TRIED TO
KEEP IT SMALL,

THEN I PUSHED
THE IDEA OF HIM STRUGGLING
TO CONTROL THE PAIN.

( grunting )

THEN I JUST WENT FOR
LOTS OF ENERGY.

THAT LOOKS GOOD.
WE CAN TRY THAT.

DO YOU WANNA TRY IT
WITH A REAL HOT CHESTNUT?

TRY IT
WITH A REAL ONE.

JUST AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE
THE GENERAL REACTION.

AGH AGH FUCK!

SHIT! YOU PUT--
FUCK! FUCK!

( stutters )
AGH, GET IT OUT, PLEASE!

GET IT OUT!
PLEASE, PLEASE!

YOU'VE GOT YOUR HAND
ON MY FUCKING KNACKERS!

GET OFF! AGH!
GET OFF! GET OFF!

GET YOUR HAND OUT!
JESUS, MAN! FUCK!

OW! FUCK!

( grunting )

IT'S OUT.

FUCK...

- DO YOU WANT SOME WATER?
- FUCKING HELL!

I'M ALL RIGHT,
I'M ALL RIGHT.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCK. YOU HAD YOUR FUCKING
FINGERS UP MY ASSHOLE!

I'M SORRY,
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.

- I'M SORRY.
- FUCKING HELL, MAN.

- I'M VERY SORRY.
- IT'S-- YOU KNOW...

TAKE ME
TO DINNER FIRST.

- FUCK.
- SORRY.

WE'VE ALL SEEN
BATTLE SCENES BEFORE,

BUT HOW MANY
TIMES HAVE WE SEEN
A CHESTNUT SCENE?

I THINK WE NEED
MORE OF UNCLE TOBY.

UNCLE TOBY'S CHARACTER IS
THE STRONGEST CHARACTER,

IT'S THE HEART AND SOUL
OF THE PIECE,

THE FUNNIEST CHARACTER
IN THE BOOK.

THE BATTLE SCENE
IS TOBY'S SCENE, SO...

THAT'S IRRELEVANT.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST
IF YOU WANT TO...

WELL, WE THINK WE CAN
PULL IT DOWN FOR 100,000.

SEE, I THINK THE AUDIENCE
THAT WILL COME AND SEE
THIS FILM

IS NOT INTERESTED
IN BIG ACTION SCENES.

ANITA, THIS IS WHAT
WE DON'T HAVE.

WE DON'T HAVE
THE LUXURY OF TIME.

THESE GUYS ARE
OUT THERE NOW,
IN UNIFORM,

- LOADING UP THE MUSKETS.
- DON'T TRY AND HOLD US
TO RANSOM ABOUT THIS.

WE NEED TO GO AND THINK
AND TALK ABOUT IT...

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
ANITA AND GREG OFF

AND CHAT ABOUT THE THINGS
YOU NEED TO CHAT ABOUT?

- SEE YOU, STEVE.
- GO.

THERE'S A SHOE ISSUE.

Rob:
IT IS AN ISSUE OF STATUS.

ARE YOU COMING WITH US?

TURN THE LIGHTS
OUT, PLEASE.

SEE, YOU CAN HARDLY
SEE THE SHOES.

I DON'T REALLY SEE
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

IT'S IMPORTANT CHARACTERWISE
TO SEE THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE.

IT TELLS THE SENIORITY
OF THE CHARACTERS.

IS THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT?

- UM...
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, WE CAN UM...

TAKE AN INCH OFF
ROB'S HEEL

AND PUT A THICKER SOLE
ON STEVE'S SHOE.

- YOU ALL RIGHT WITH THAT?
- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- OKAY.
- I'LL DO THIS. THANKS.

LET'S GET SOME LIGHTS ON.

STEVE, ARE YOU COMING
TO THE MEETING?

- WELL, THAT WAS THRILLING...
- STEVE.

STEVE, GARY'S WAITING
IN THERE.

HE'S BEEN WAITING
FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO
TALK TO THIS GUY.

FIVE MINUTES
AND I'LL BE UP.

- WHENEVER.
- I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

( sighs )
SORRY, LOVE.

LISTEN, I'M VERY SORRY
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT,
OKAY?

IT WAS LAST NIGHT,
ACTUALLY.

OH, WELL--
SINCE I WAS DRUNK.

JUST SO I KNOW,

ARE YOU SORRY
BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME

OR ARE YOU SORRY
BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK?

- WHICH IS IT?
- UH... BOTH.

SLIGHTLY LESS SORRY
I KISSED YOU

BECAUSE IT WAS
VERY NICE,

BUT I DON'T THINK
IT WAS, UH...

- ANYWAY, I'LL LEAVE
YOU GUYS TO IT.
- OKAY.

HEY!

ALL RIGHT,
BUDDY.

- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU WELL?

YEAH, GOOD
TO SEE YOU.

RIGHT, ARE WE GOOD?

I'VE GOTTA GO
TO A SCRIPT MEETING

AND I'VE GOT TO DO THIS
SORT OF DAD-KIND-OF-
BOYFRIEND THING.

GREAT. I'LL TAKE
A PICTURE OF YOU
AND THE BABY.

SO CAN WE POSTPONE THIS
TILL TOMORROW MORNING?

NO, NO--
YOU CAN.

BUT I'VE GOT TO BE
HONEST WITH YOU,

EVERYONE AT THE OFFICE
WANTS TO RUN THE STORY
ABOUT THE GIRL.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT
BECAUSE IT'S JUST
WEIRD STUFF.

IT'S NOT WEIRD,
JUST EMBARRASSING.

SHE'S SAYING SOME STUFF
ABOUT ME-- ANYWAY--

I WANT TO
PLAY BALL TOO.

ALL RIGHT,
SO IF YOU CAN GIVE ME--

YEAH, 7:00 A.M.
TOMORROW MORNING.

I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE GONNA GO FOR THAT.

WHAT DO YOU
THINK'S BETTER,

THE CHICKEN
OR THE BEEF?

THESE ROOMS
ARE FANTASTIC,
AREN'T THEY?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

I'M IN THE CHARLES I SUITE.

APPARENTLY
HE STAYED IN THERE.

YEAH, JUST BEFORE
HE WAS BEHEADED.

- IS THAT TRUE?
- YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE
A DRINK, STEVE?

UH YEAH, I'LL HAVE
A VODKA TONIC, PLEASE.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK
ABOUT THE SCRIPT?

EVEN IF WE GET
THE BATTLE SCENE SHOT,

THEN WE'RE STILL
GOING TO BE UNDER.

IT'S A BIG BOOK.
PLENTY TO CHOOSE FROM.

THINK I'M GONNA HAVE
A LAMB SHANK.

GIVEN THAT THE STORY'S ABOUT
WALTER'S LOVE FOR HIS SON...

- HERE, PUT THIS IN.
- ...I REALLY THINK

THAT WALTER SHOULD BE THERE
AT THE BIRTH.

IT'S THE 18th CENTURY.
MEN JUST DIDN'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE A 21st-CENTURY MAN,
BUT WALTER CAN'T BE.

HE TALKS TO
THE FUCKING CAMERA.
HE CAN BE EMOTIONAL.

IF YOU SAW WALTER
FOR AN INSTANT HOLDING
THE BABY IN HIS ARMS,

THEN YOU WOULD FORGIVE HIM
ALL HIS FLAWS?

YEAH, BUT IT WOULD
LOOK TERRIBLE.

IT WOULD BE LIKE THE SCENE
IN "ROBIN HOOD"

WHERE KEVIN COSTNER
DELIVERS A BABY.
( laughs )

BECAUSE HE'S GOT
A STUPID MULLET HAIRCUT.

REMEMBER ALL THOSE
SCENES THAT YOU PITCHED
WHEN WE FIRST TALKED ABOUT IT?

LIKE THE BLACK PAGE

WHEN THE GOOD
PARSON YORICK DIES--

THE BOOK HAS
A COMPLETELY BLACK PAGE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW INTERESTING
A BLACK SCREEN IS GOING TO
BE FOR AN AUDIENCE.

THE ORIGINAL COVER
FOR "ANARCHY IN THE U.K."

WAS INSPIRED
BY THAT PAGE.

- BUT YORICK ISN'T
EVEN IN THE FILM.
- HE USED TO BE.

HARDLY ANYBODY'S IN THE FILM.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I LIKE THE BLACK PAGE.
THAT'S ONE OF THE ARTY BITS
I ACTUALLY LIKE.

WHY DO WE WANT TO SPEND
A YEAR OF OUR LIVES
MAKING THIS FILM?

- 'CAUSE IT'S FUNNY.
- IS THAT ALL?

IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?

IF IT'S GENUINELY FUNNY,
THAT IS ENOUGH.

- ( laughing )
- IT HAS TO BE
GENUINELY FUNNY.

WELL, WHAT WAS
ALL THAT STUFF
PATRICK TOLD US

WHEN WE VISITED
SHANDY HALL?

THE THEME OF "TRISTRAM SHANDY"
IS A VERY SIMPLE ONE:

LIFE IS CHAOTIC,
IT'S AMORPHOUS.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY,
YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY MAKE IT
FIT ANY SHAPE.

TRISTRAM HIMSELF IS TRYING
TO WRITE HIS LIFE'S STORY,

BUT IT ESCAPES HIM
'CAUSE LIFE IS TOO FULL,
TOO RICH

TO BE ABLE TO BE
CAPTURED BY ART.

AND HIS FATHER WALTER
TRIES TO PLAN EVERY ASPECT

OF TRISTRAM'S BIRTH,
CONCEPTION, CHILDHOOD
AND SO ON,

AND HIS PLANS
ALL GO WRONG.

WALTER PUTS IT THIS WAY...

DID ANY MAN EVER RECEIVE
SO MANY LASHES?

( sobbing )

WALTER IS INDEED
THE MOST UNFORTUNATE OF MEN,

AND IF HIS LIFE
COULD BE CELEBRATED,

THEN SO TOO
CAN ALL OF OURS.

WHAT ABOUT WIDOW WADMAN?

I'VE BEEN PUSHING FOR THAT
SINCE THE START.

WIDOW WADMAN,
THAT'S A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

- THAT'S BOLLOCKS.
- WHO DO WE HAVE FOR
THE WIDOW WADMAN?

SHE MIGHT BE FREE.

OKAY, BETH
AND SAM?

- THAT'S GOOD.
- GILLIAN ANDERSON.

WE KNOW THAT
SHE LOVES THE BOOK

AND MARK MET HER
IN L.A.

- DID YOU, MARK?
- WE COULDN'T AFFORD
GILLIAN ANDERSON.

SHE'D COST MORE THAN
THE WHOLE BATTLE SCENE.

NO, BUT GILLIAN ANDERSON
IS AN AMERICAN FILM STAR.

I THINK, ACTUALLY,
SHE'S CANADIAN.

IT WOULD MAKE IT A REAL MOVIE
IF IT HAD A REAL STAR.

TWO STARS.

I DON'T SEE MYSELF
AS A STAR.

I'M A CRAFTSMAN,
LIKE A MEDIEVAL CRAFTSMAN.

- WITH A PORSCHE.
- PLYING YOUR TRADE.

YEAH, I'M A MEDIEVAL
CRAFTSMAN WITH A PORSCHE.

TWO STARS--
I WAS JUST THINKING

THAT'S GONNA BE
THE REVIEW.

( all laughing )

"'TRISTRAM SHANDY,'
TWO STARS."

JONATHAN ROSS.

IF SHE NEEDS
TO MEET--

WE CAN'T GET HER
SOMETHING IN TIME.

WELL, I'VE ONLY
WRITTEN THREE DRAFTS

WITH THE WIDOW IN IT.

I'VE GOT TO SEE JENNY.

- SEE YOU LATER, STEVE.
- YEAH.

- BYE, STEVE.
- SEE YOU LATER, STEVE.

( Steven crying )

JENNY?

HEY... HEY...

HEY...

HEY, AW, HEY...

HEY...

OH, DEAR DEAR DEAR.

OH, THERE YOU GO.

OOPSIE-DAISY.

( singing Scottish
folk tune )

Jenny:
FUR ONES, NOT THE ONES
FULL OF POLYESTER

'CAUSE
THEY'RE SHITE.

- AH, YES!
- HEY!

- HELLO!
- SORRY, I WAS JUST
CHANGING THE BABY'S NAPPY.

WE HEARD IT ALL.

IT WAS VERY LOVELY.

( singing Scottish
folk tune )

WE'LL DO
A MUSICAL NEXT.

OH I SEE, YOU'VE BEEN
EAVESDROPPING ON ME.

( laughing )

WE'RE CELEBRATING.

Man:
BRILLIANT IDEA,
MATES.

THE MONEY MEN
ARE LAPPING IT UP

- GILLIAN ANDERSON SAID YES.
- REALLY?

WE ONLY SPOKE ABOUT IT
FIVE MINUTES AGO.

I KNOW, BUT I PHONED
HER AGENT IN L.A.

- JOANNA, HI.
- HI!

I'M CALLING ABOUT
"TRISTRAM SHANDY."

- WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF
FILMING AT THE MOMENT.
- YES, I KNOW.

I READ THE SCRIPT.
I LOVE IT!

GREAT! I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
GILLIAN ANDERSON.

- SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
- ( phone rings )

- OH, HELLO!
MARK'S RIGHT HERE.
- HI!

HI, GILLIAN? HI.

- HI, MARK!
- REMEMBER I WAS TELLING YOU
ABOUT "TRISTRAM SHANDY"?

OH, I LOVE THAT NOVEL.

WE'VE DECIDED TO INCLUDE
THE WIDOW WADMAN IN THE STORY.

YEAH, I LOVE
THAT CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW
WHAT A GREAT FAN
I AM OF YOURS.

OH, THAT'S SO
SWEET OF YOU.

OBVIOUSLY IT'S
A LOW-BUDGET FILM.

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT!
- THAT'S FINE.

GILLIAN'S INTERESTED
IN THE QUALITY OF WORK.

SHE'S NOT LOOKING
FOR A PAYDAY.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- GREAT. WE'LL NEED YOU
TO COME OVER RIGHT AWAY.

- I CAN FLY TOMORROW.
- OKAY, BYE.

- OKAY, BYE!
- BYE.

OH YES.
( laughs )

JESUS,
THAT WAS EASY.

YEAH, THAT WORKED WELL.

SO SHE'S COMING
OVER TOMORROW.

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

IS GILLIAN ANDERSON
THE ONE IN "BAYWATCH"?

- ( all laughing )
- THAT WAS PAMELA ANDERSON.

WE'VE ALREADY GOT
ONE BLONDE WITH BIG TITS.

- I LOVE YOU.
- THANKS, BUT JUST
A BIT TOO HARD.

- ( singing )
- I LOVE "THE X-FILES."

DO YOU KNOW
RASPUTIN HAD A WART

ON HIS PENIS?

( laughter )

LISTEN, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR THE CHAMPAGNE.

THAT WAS LOVELY.
BYE.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- NIGHT TO ALL.

GOOD NIGHT, JUST GOING
TO HAVE A BIT OF SEXUAL
INTERCOURSE.

Woman:
THANKS FOR THE DETAILS,
THANKS VERY MUCH.

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S THEIR BABY.

I DON'T KNOW,
IT JUST SEEMS SO UNREAL,
SO PERFECT.

SHE'S VERY GOOD FOR HIM,
I TELL YOU.

SHE IS VERY GROUNDING
FOR HIM, DON'T YOU THINK?

- STEVE?
- JESUS CHRIST!

SORRY SORRY.
CAN I HAVE A VERY
QUICK WORD WITH YOU?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN THERE?

I'VE JUST BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU.
SORRY, JENNY.

JUST TWO MINUTES.
I JUST NEED TO TALK
ABOUT SOMETHING.

- SURE, YEAH.
- FINE.

THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU HEARD
THE NEWS?

THEY'RE TRYING TO
GET GILLIAN ANDERSON
TO PLAY WIDOW WADMAN.

I KNOW.
THAT WAS MY IDEA.

- WAS IT?
- YEAH, WELL NOT
THE GILLIAN ANDERSON BIT,

- BUT THE WIDOW WADMAN THING.
- YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I'VE GOT POSTERS
OF GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I THINK THE WOMAN'S
AN ANGEL.

I'VE GOT ALL OF
"THE X-FILES" ON DVD.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
- DO YOU WANT A DRINK?

YES, PLEASE. I'LL HAVE
A VODKA TONIC, PLEASE.

- THE THING IS I CAN'T ACT...
- I KNOW THAT.

...WITH GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I HAVE A PROPER SEXUAL THING
FOR GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I COVET HER.
IF I HAVE TO DO
A LOVE SCENE WITH HER,

I WILL BLUSH.

BUT TOBY WOULD BLUSH.

THAT'S GOOD. CHANNEL THAT.
THAT'S METHOD ACTING.

YEAH, RIGHT.

- CHEERS.
- HERE YOU GO.

I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU'RE WORRIED.

YOU DON'T HAVE THAT
MANY SCENES WITH HER.

THEY'RE PUTTING THE WHOLE
OF THE LOVE STORY IN.

STEVE, YOU'VE READ THE BOOK.
IT'S 100 PAGES.

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME
A LOVE STORY

WITH MY FAVORITE,
MY IDEAL WOMAN,

MY PERFECT
10-OUT-OF-10 ACTRESS,

AND I AM GOING TO
BE STAMMERING

AND STUTTERING
MY WHOLE WAY THROUGH IT.

- WAIT WAIT--
- THANK YOU.

UM... I'VE GOT TO GO
TALK TO JENNY.

OH, LISTEN,
JENNY MENTIONED
ABOUT THIS STUFF--

IT'S NOT BEEN AS GOOD
SINCE THE BABY AND EVERYTHING.

- WHAT, DID SHE?
- ALL MEN LOSE THEIR LIBIDO.

I DON'T--
NO, THEY DON'T--

ROB, I DON'T HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH MY LIBIDO.

I JUST DON'T HAVE
THE FUCKING TIME.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

( door closes )

( mimics )

"I HAVE NO PROBLEM
WITH MY LIBIDO."

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY BOOK ANYWHERE?

WHAT BOOK?

"TRISTRAM SHANDY."
WHICH BOOK DO YOU THINK?

HERE IT IS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME HERE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE A BOOK
AS THICK AS THAT

HASN'T GOT AN INDEX?

IT'S A NOVEL,
NOT A COOKBOOK.

( sighs, mumbles )

IT'S BOOK SIX.

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

AND BOOK EIGHT
AND BOOK NINE.

- SO YOU KNEW BEFORE ROB DID?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ROB NOW HAS
A BIGGER PART THAN ME.

- BET HE HASN'T.
- BUT HE'S GOT
A BATTLE SCENE

- AND HE'S GOT
AGENT MULDER FROM...
- SCULLY.

( sighs )

AND HE'S GOT BIG HEELS.

AND YOU'VE GOT ME
AND YOU'VE GOT A BABY

AND YOU'RE PLAYING
TRISTRAM SHANDY.

YEAH, I AM PLAYING
TRISTRAM SHANDY

IN "THE LIFE OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY."

YOU KNOW WHAT?
AT THE END OF THE BOOK,
HE'S NOT EVEN BORN.

- WHO TOLD ME THAT?
NO ONE.
- STEVE,

I HAVE TRAVELED 200 MILES
BY TRAIN WITH A BABY

JUST TO HAVE SEX
WITH YOU.

LOOK, HONEY, THIS IS
NOT ABOUT MY LIBIDO.

- IT'S-- I'VE GOT TO--
- ( derisive snort )

Tristram's voice:
"PRESENTLY I HOPE I SHALL BE
SUFFICIENTLY UNDERSTOOD

IN TELLING THE READER
MY UNCLE TOBY FELL IN LOVE."

- Steve's voice: FUCK.
- SHE'S A WEALTHY WIDOW.

SHE SEES TOBY.

SHE FALLS FOR HIM,
BUT SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT
HIS EQUIPMENT.

Tristram's voice:
"...HAS FALLEN IN LOVE,
DEEPLY IN LOVE,

UP TO THE EARS
IN LOVE."

IF IT IS NOT INTRUSIVE,
CAPTAIN SHANDY,

I'M AGOG AS TO
WHAT ACTUALLY OCCURRED
AT THE SIEGE OF NAMUR.

I HAVE A MODEL
JUST YONDER

OF THE CITY AS IT APPEARED
TO THE BESIEGING FORCES

ON THAT MORNING
IN 1695.

YOU INTEREST ME STRANGELY.

THE ENGLISH AND THE SCOTS
CAME OUT OF TRENCHES
ON THE RIGHT.

I'M QUITE PERSPIRING
WITH ANTICIPATION.

YOU MUST KNOW,
CAPTAIN SHANDY,

THAT I HAVE TAKEN
AN INTEREST IN YOU.

BUT BEFORE WE GO FURTHER
ON THAT MATTER,

I MUST REASSURE MYSELF

OF YOUR FITNESS
FOR MARRIAGE...

OF THE STATE
OF YOUR EQUIPMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE MY MODEL?

I MUST KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE YOU WERE INJURED.

MADAM, I'LL SHOW YOU
THE EXACT SPOT.

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU CAN PUT
YOUR FINGER ON IT.

- JUST BEYOND
THE ASPARAGUS.
- YES, QUITE RIGHT.

OUT OF THE WAY.

I'M FLATTERED,
CAPTAIN SHANDY,

THAT YOU WOULD
TAKE ME SO FAR
INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE.

I RECEIVED MY INJURY

AT NINE OF THE CLOCK
RIGHT HERE.

- ( roosters crow )
- THAT WAS GREAT.

THANK YOU.

ROB, THIS IS STEVE
FROM "THE NEW YORK TIMES."

HEY, I'D LOVE
TO DO A PIECE ON YOU.

THAT WAS A REALLY
GOOD JOB BY THE WAY.

YOU!

- WAS IT GOOD?
- YEAH, IT WAS GREAT.

WHERE'S STEVE?
I REALLY WANTED HIM
TO SEE THAT ONE.

STEVE'S OVER THERE.

HELLO!

ROB? ROB?

DID YOU HEAR MY LAUGH?

I HEARD A LAUGH.

- STEVE COOGAN? HI.
- HELLO.

VERY PLEASED
TO MEET YOU.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.

I DIDN'T REALIZE
YOU WERE SO SMALL.

A LOT SMALLER THAN ME.
COME AND SEE HOW
SMALL HE IS.

THIS MEMBRANE LOOKS LIKE
IT'S ABOUT TO BURST.

- THEN THERE'LL BE
A HUGE MUSCULAR SPASM.
- AGH!

- OH MY GOD!
- ( all laughing )

IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING
HE'S DONE FOR YEARS!

IT'S JUST DISGUSTING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M SO SMALL.

- NEITHER DO I.
- I DIDN'T REALIZE
HE WAS SO SMALL.

HE REALLY IS SMALL,
ISN'T HE?

- HE'S TINY.
- ROB?

- ROB?
- THAT'S HIS ACTUAL SIZE.

ROB, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A MATE!

( explosions )

( sighs )

( cooing )

- ( explosions continue )
- ( crowd yelling )

YOU SHOULD GO TO L.A.
AND SPEND SOME TIME THERE.

I'D WANT TO GO.
I'D WANT TO MEET
AS MANY AS I CAN...

YOU SHOULD.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOT
AFTER THIS MOVIE...

Assistant director:
I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE FACT THAT
THIS IS A COMPLETE
HISTORICAL COCK-UP.

AND IN ORDER TO MAKE IT
A BIT MORE FUN,

I'M GONNA GIVE EVERYBODY
A CHARACTER NAME, OKAY?

- YAY!
- SO, ELI THRIFT.

FREE FORNICATION WILLIAMS.

FEICHMANN,
HAVE YOU GOT A MIC?

WELL, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE
WEARING A GORGET.
TAKE IT OFF.

OKAY, EFRAIN GREENWILLOW,

YOU CAN HAVE THAT.

HAVE YOU HEARD?

THEY'RE SO CHUFFED
ABOUT GILLIAN ANDERSON,

THEY'RE GOING TO
GIVE US SOME MONEY FOR
THE BATTLE SCENE AS WELL.

- THAT'S GREAT.
- AND JOE HAS HAD AN IDEA
FOR THE BIRTH SCENE,

SO YOU CAN GO THERE
WHEN THE BABY'S BORN.

OH, BRILLIANT.
THAT'S GREAT.

WHERE'S YOUR PRETTY WIFE,
STEVE?

COME ON!

( crowd yelling )

- HELLO.
- SO THEY'RE GOING TO
HAVE THE LOVE STORY

AND THE BATTLE SCENE.

THAT'S GREAT.

IT'S LIKE SOME
HOLLYWOOD VERSION
OF "TRISTRAM SHANDY."

YEAH, FASSBINDER
WOULD HAVE NEVER
SOLD OUT LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW FASSBINDER?

- MM-HMM.
- WOW!

WHICH IS
YOUR FAVORITE FILM?

THE WHOLE...

THE CORPUS,
THE BLOODY WORK.

"FEAR EATS THE SOUL."

YEAH.

THERE'S MORE TRUTH
IN THAT TITLE

THAN THERE IS
IN MOST WHOLE MOVIES,
YOU KNOW?

- YEAH.
- BUT THE THING IS

HE'S SUCH LIKE
A POWERFUL WRITER.

YOU KNOW
"SCHATTEN DER ENGEL"?

THAT IS MY FAVORITE.

- DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE?
- IS IT THE ONE WITH
ALL THE SEX IN IT.

NO, IT'S THE ONE
WHERE INGRID CAVEN
IS THIS PROSTITUTE,

BUT THE THING IS
THAT SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL

SHE DOESN'T EVEN NEED
TO TOUCH THE PUNTERS.

THEY'RE JUST HAPPY
TO, LIKE, SIT IN HER ROOM

AND JUST LOOK AT HER.

THE THING IS THAT
HUMANITY IS SO DISGUSTING

THEY KIND OF, LIKE,
INVADE AND POLLUTE HER
WITH THEIR PROBLEMS

AND THEIR INSECURITIES,
SO THAT IN THE END

IT'S ACTUALLY BETTER FOR HER
TO JUST FUCK THEM.

YOU KNOW, IT'S CLEANER
FOR HER TO FUCK THEM

THAN IT IS
TO LISTEN TO THEM.

YOU'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE
AND YOU'RE, LIKE,

"JUST FUCK THEM, LILLY!
JUST FUCK THEM!"

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- FUCK THEM.

FILL ME
WITH YOUR BABIES.

( mumbling )

WHAT WHAT WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT DID YOU
JUST SAY?

I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I SAID, "FUCK ME."

- I THINK.
- THE THING IS--

NO, YOU SAID
SOMETHING ELSE.

THAT'S NOT
WHAT YOU SAID.

IT'S WHAT I MEANT.

LISTEN, UM...

YOU ARE
FANTASTICALLY
ATTRACTIVE

AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF
GERMAN CINEMA IS
SECOND TO NONE.

BUT... I'VE GOT TO
GET BACK TO JENNY.

( sighs )
I'VE GOT WORK
IN THE MORNING,

IT'S AN EARLY START.

6:30 A.M. CALL,
I THINK.

YEAH SO...
GOOD NIGHT.

YEAH, GOOD NIGHT.

I AM SPARTACUS!

- PUSH ON!
- ( men yelling )

I AM SPARTACUS!

I AM SPARTACUS!

JENNIE, I AM SPARTACUS.

I AM SPARTACUS.

- I AM SPARTACUS.
- I AM SPARTACUS!

( laughter )

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU'RE FREEZING!

I HAD A NIGHTMARE.

I MISSED YOU.

I MISSED YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

( knocking on door )

STEVE, IT'S TIME
TO GET UP.

- ( mumbles )
- ( Steven crying )

MORNING.
YOUR CAR WILL BE READY
IN HALF AN HOUR, OKAY?

RIGHT, THANK YOU,
JENNIE.

- ( door closes )
- ( Steven continues crying )

- I'M SORRY.
- HE'LL BE OKAY
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

( giggling )

GOD, YOU'RE
SO LUCKY.

( hour tone beeping )

Man over radio:
This morning's headlines:

Americans have conceded
that the insurgents in Iraq

are as strong now
as they were a year ago.

More foreign terror suspects
are expected to be freed
on bail today

as time runs out
for the existing powers
under which they're detained.

And what Churchill
thought of India

and what India
thought of Churchill.

Today's newsreader,
Charlotte Green.

Green:
A senior American general

has said the insurgents
in Iraq have lost none
of their capacity

to launch attacks
on coalition and Iraqi...

- MORNING.
- MORNING.

- MORNING.
- HI.

ROB, DID YOU WANT ME
TO GET YOU SOME BREAKFAST?

- SOME COFFEE?
- I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.

- OKAY.
- EVERYONE'S HERE?

YEAH, THEY ARE, ACTUALLY.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU
SOME BREAKFAST?

NO NO,
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
BEEN HERE FOR AGES.

TOP O' THE MORNIN'
TO YE.

- ...BUT ONCE I GET
THE OTHER SOCK...
- SEE YOU.

MORNING, UH...

- RR-R...
- ROB.

- ROB.
- THAT'S IT, WELL DONE.

IT'S THE SHOE BUSINESS,
YOU KNOW?

IT GOES ON ALL DAY
BETWEEN STEVE AND ROB.

I'VE GOT THE SHOES
FOR YOU.

THEY'VE BEEN BUILT UP,
SO YOU'LL FEEL A LOT TALLER.

BE HARD TO SEE JENNIE.
SHE'S A BIT... INTENSE.

VERY. HARD WORK.

DO YOU KNOW
THIS SHOE THING,

I THINK WE'RE FINE
AS WE ARE.

I SPENT ALL NIGHT
WORKING ON IT.

- I THINK WE'VE
GOT SPARE ONES.
- SORRY, LOVE.

WE GOT SPARE ONES HERE.

- OKAY.
- SORRY, LOVE.
THANK YOU.

- Woman: UM, STEVE.
- WELL HANDLED.

THIS IS THE COAT, STEVE,

FOR THE SCENE WHERE
YOU TAKE YOUR WIG OFF.

- WANT TO JUST
TRY IT ON FOR ME?
- SURE.

- ALL RIGHT, LOVE.
- TAKE YOUR WIG OFF
WITH THE RIGHT HAND

- AND PULL YOUR HANDKERCHIEF
OUT OF YOUR RIGHT-HAND POCKET.
- THIS IS ACTUALLY WEIRD

- WITH THE LEFT HAND.
- ( laughs )

- I MEAN, THAT'S--
- YOU LOOK LIKE LEE EVANS.

IT LOOKS LIKE
THE POCKETS ARE TOO LOW.

IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY'VE BEEN PLACED THERE
FOR COMIC EFFECT.

- SHALL WE SAY IT
LOOKS LIKE A RAIN SUIT?
- "IN THE LATTER END

OF QUEEN ANNE'S REIGN,

and THE BEGINNING
OF KING GEORGE I,

COAT POCKETS WERE CUT
VERY LOW DOWN

- IN THE SKIRT."
- THE POCKETS CAN BE BUILT
TECHNICALLY ACCURATE

AND STILL LOOK CONTRIVED.

IT'S HISTORICAL,

BUT IT'S NOT
HYSTERICAL.

YEAH.

- HEY, JOE!
- HELLO, STEVE.

LISTEN, I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW.

I'M GOING TO
GET THE KIDS

- TO SEE THE BATTLE.
- BRILLIANT.

HOW'D THE
BIRTH SCENES GO?

- ALL DONE, YEAH.
- FANTASTIC.

TRYING TO GET
THE IMPACT OF HAVING
A BABY ON WALTER,

YOUR PHYSICAL
AND EMOTIONAL IMPACT.

- YES!
- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YES, VERY WELL.
- LISTEN, WE'VE GOTTA
GET A SHIFT ON.

I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.
HIYA.

I'LL NEED TO GET A TRAIN,
SO CAN WE JUST FIND
SOMEWHERE--

I'M GONNA NEED
FIVE MINUTES FOR GARY.

- 10 MINUTES.
- SORRY.

DOES MARK KNOW
ABOUT THIS, STEVE?

HE DOESN'T KNOW.
TELL HIM NOT TO WORRY.

I JUST WANNA DO
A REALLY GENERAL PIECE,

YOU KNOW, THE TYPE OF THING
I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE BEFORE.

- YES.
- STEVE COOGAN THE ACTOR,

STEVE COOGAN
THE FAMILY MAN.

AND WITH THE NOVEL
BEING CALLED

"THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY,"

I THOUGHT WE'D CALL THE PIECE
"THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
OF STEVE COOGAN."

- GREAT. TIDY
- YEAH.

JUST A SORT
OF TIDY...
EXACTLY.

BUT REALLY, OBVIOUSLY
YOU'VE JUST BECOME A FATHER.

- YEAH.
- SO LET'S DO A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT THE FAMILY TO START OFF.

WHAT DOES IT
MEAN TO YOU?

WELL, IT'S EVERYTHING TO ME.

- HI, BABE.
- HIYA.

- HOW IS HE?
- HE'S A BIT... GRUMPY

- THIS MORNING.
- SORRY.

SORRY.

STEVE, WE'VE GOT
YOUR OTHER BABY NEXT DOOR

IF YOU'D LIKE
TO COME AND SAY HELLO,
DO A BIT OF BONDING.

THAT'S WALTER'S
LITTLE BABY.

- I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
- IT MIGHT TAKE A MINUTE.

OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER, LOVE.

- SEE YOU.
- ( crying )

( shushes )

I'VE GOT THE NEW SIDES
FROM JOE...

- GOOD.
- ...FOR THE SCENE AS WELL.

HE SPOKE TO ME
THIS MORNING.

- HE'S VERY PLEASED WITH IT.
- GREAT, I'M PLEASED.

- THIS IS RACHEL.
- Both: HI.

AND LITTLE TRISTRAM.

- OH...
- I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

OKAY, RIGHT.
HE'S GOT A BETTER
HAIRLINE THAN ME.

( chuckles )
SHE'S A GIRL, ACTUALLY.

I HOPE THAT'S NOT
GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU.

NO, I'M VERY IN TOUCH
WITH MY FEMALE SIDE.

EVERYONE MIKED UP?

YEAH, WITH
THE TIME WE NEED.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- ED?
- YES, SIR.

LET'S GET IT
ALL LOCKED UP.

YEAH, OKAY.
BYRON, CAN WE JUST GET
THIS MOVING NOW? THANKS.

SHE LIKES YOU.
SHE'S VERY HAPPY.

- HEY! AW...
- ( chuckling )

SHE'S SO SMALL.

- STEVE?
- YEAH?

THEY'RE READY FOR YOU
ON THE SET.

OH...
THAT'S MOMMY.

OKAY, I'VE JUST GOT TO
SAY GOODBYE TO JENNY,

JUST SAY GOODBYE.

THREE DAYS IN A ROW
YOU'VE BEEN SCREAMING.

IT'S ONLY ONE MORE DAY.

IT FINISHES TODAY.

( crowd chatting )

- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.
HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO.

COULD WE GET STEVEN?

THANK YOU.
I'LL TRY TO STAY AWAKE.

JOE HAS WRITTEN IN
THIS PART OF THE SCENE

WHERE WALTER'S THERE
AT THE BIRTH OF TRISTRAM.

- IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
- IT'S FINE.

STEVE, THERE WAITING
FOR YOU ON THE SET.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, HAVE
A SAFE JOURNEY.

- I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE WEEKEND.
- OKAY.

WOULD YOU HAVE HAD
A BABY WITH ME

- IF I'D REALLY HAD
A NOSE LIKE THAT?
- NO.

I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL
WHEN WE GET THERE.

OKAY, I LOVE YOU.

- IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
- NO, IT'S WRONG.

OKAY, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

( sighs )

I'M JUST A BIT CONFUSED.
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO--

IT'S NOT CONTINUOUS.
WE'VE JUMPED IN TIME.

WE'VE JUMPED IN TIME.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
THAT MOMENT

WHERE THE KID'S
ABOUT TO BE BORN...

- RIGHT.
- ...FROM HERE.

SO THIS IS
THE VERY END OF IT.

VERY END OF IT.

- OKAY?
- RIGHT.

HI. UM...
ALL RIGHT.

Assistant:
HOLD THE WORK, PLEASE.

HOLD THE WORK.

- SO, STEVE?
- YEAH?

WE'LL HAVE ABOUT
40 SECONDS OF...

EFFORT BEFORE
YOUR ENTRANCE, OKAY?

( coughs )

( screaming )

SAY, WHAT'S
HAPPENING?

ALL RIGHT,
HIS HEAD'S HERE NOW!

WE'RE JUST ABOUT DONE.

OKAY, STEVE.

A LITTLE MORE, MA'AM.
A LITTLE MORE.

- ( continues screaming )
- THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT, MA'AM.

- THAT'S IT.
- ( Tristram crying )

HE'S HANDSOME, MA'AM.
HE'S A HANDSOME... BOY.

HE'S A BIG BOY.

( scattered applause )

THANKS VERY MUCH,
EVERYBODY.

THERE'S A DRINK
THROUGH THERE,

SO... IF YOU'D LIKE
TO GO ON THROUGH.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- UM...

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THAT?

- CAN YOU TELL THAT'S
NOT ME ON THE HORSE?
- YES.

- DO YOU RIDE A HORSE?
- YES, I RODE A HORSE.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'D NEVER
BEEN ON A HORSE BEFORE.

YOU WERE FUNNY,
YOU WERE CHARISMATIC...

- CHARISMATIC?
- YOU LOOKED SO DASHING.

- I LOOKED SO DASHING?
- YOU DID.

I WAS DASHING.
I DASHED.

WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE WHOLE WIDOW WADMAN STORY?

HOW MUCH DID YOU DO?

I SHOT LIKE TWO WEEKS.

I MEAN, THE HOUSE IS
WAY TOO BIG FOR SHANDY HALL.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
THEY WANTED TO MAKE
THE FILM LOOK SEXY.

I THOUGHT YOU
LOOK FANTASTIC,
BY THE WAY.

- AND YOU.
- FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH.

- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOU IN A BIT.

- GREAT, JUST GREAT.
- AH, YES.

THANK YOU,
RATHER GOOD ON THAT.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GET
THE BIG EMOTIONAL SCENE

WITH WALTER
AND HIS BABY.

YEAH, WELL,
THE 18th CENTURY...

- IT DIDN'T WORK.
- WE THOUGHT THE SCENE
WITH STEVE AND THE BABY

PLAYING YOUNG TRISTRAM
WOULD GIVE US THE EMOTION

AND STILL BE TRUE
TO THE ORIGINAL STORY.

I ALWAYS FORGET
HOW SHORT I AM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WAS
THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

I THINK WE LOOK LIKE
A NICE COUPLE,
DON'T YOU?

WHERE IS
THE BATTLE SCENE?

YEAH, WHERE'S THE BATTLE?

IT WASN'T FUNNY.

SO HOW MANY DRINKS
DO YOU HAVE A DAY?

I HAVE--
I DON'T KNOW--
A NUMBER.

AND I PURPOSELY HAVE
A PAY-TO-GO,

AND I ONLY KEEP
£10 ON IT

SO THAT I CAN'T STAY
ON THE PHONE LONG.

THAT WAY I'M JUST
QUICKLY OFF.

- HOW DOES THE BOOK END?
- THE BOOK'S GOT
A GREAT ENDING.

- PARSON YORICK.
- MM?

WHY ARE WE SO DELICATE
ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF PASSION?

WHY DO WE PUT A CANDLE OUT
WHEN WE TRY TO MAKE A CHILD?

- ( snorts )
- I'M NOT SURE.

EVERYONE DOES
PUT OUT A CANDLE,
SIR WALTER.

THOUGH YOU SEE, WALTER,
NOT EVERYBODY DOES
PUT THE CANDLE OUT.

I HAVE ON OCCASION
ASKED FOR THE CANDLE
TO BE LEFT, BUT...

BE THAT AS IT MAY,

WHY DO WE GLORIFY
THE ACT OF KILLING
THAT'S DESTROYING A MAN?

WE HONOR THE WEAPONS
WITH WHICH WE DO IT.

- ( knocking on door )
- WE WRITE ABOUT THEM.

WE PAINT THEM.

- OBADIAH.
- GOOD EVENING,
PARSON YORICK.

HAS THAT COW OF YOURS
CALVED YET?

WELL, THAT'S JUST IT.

MY COW HAS NOT
CALVED YET.

Priest:
WILL THOU HAVE THIS WOMAN
TO THY WEDDED WIFE,

TO LIVE TOGETHER...

Tristram's voice:
IT SO HAPPENED THAT
OBADIAH WAS MARRIED

ON THE SAME DAY
MY FATHER'S BULL WAS
INTRODUCED TO HIS COW.

NOW THE CUSTOM WAS
THAT MY FATHER'S BULL

SERVED ALL THE COWS
IN THE PARISH.

BUT THE TRUTH WAS,
THE PARISH WAS SO LARGE

MY FATHER'S BULL
WAS NOT EQUAL TO THE TASK.

BUT AS HE WENT ABOUT
HIS BUSINESS

WITH A GRAVE FACE,

MY FATHER REGARDED HIM
VERY HIGHLY.

WHEN THE BABY WAS BORN,

OBADIAH HOPED
THE COW WOULD CALF.

- SHE DIDN'T.
- ( clergyman reciting )
...BOTH WATER AND WINE.

MAY NOT A COW
BE BARREN?

- NEVER HAPPEN.
- MY BULL IS AS GOOD
A ONE AS EVER PISSED.

IF YOU ATTACK HIS CHARACTER,
YOU ATTACK HIS LIFE.

GOOD LORD, WHAT IS
THIS STORY ALL ABOUT?

COCK AND A BULL STORY.

COCK AND A... BULL.

- MM.
- COCK AND BULL TALE.
( laughing )

( all laughing )

COCK AND BULL'S TALE.

- COCK AND BULL.
- COCK AND BULL.

- BROTHER.
- SORRY.

AND THE BEST OF ITS KIND
I EVER HEARD.

( all continue
laughing )

( rooster crows )

( cow moos )

I LIKE IT.

I THOUGHT
IT WAS GOOD.

THAT'S THE AREA,
THAT'S THE AREA.

- RIGHT THERE.
- OKAY OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
A LITTLE PIECE?

- A PIECE?
- ROB, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

IT'S REGISTERED
LOGGED.

- BUT HOW BIG IS IT?
- THERE IS HAIR,

- BUT IT'S VERY THIN HAIR.
- I KNOW, I KNOW!

JUST TRACE
WITH YOUR FINGER

- THE ACTUAL AREA.
- PLEASE DON'T ASK ME
TO DO THAT.

- FUCKIN' HELL, MATE.
- JUST TRACE THE AREA.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL JUST TRACE IT,

FROM LIKE THAT.
I'M JUST TICKLING
THE AREA.

OH, I CAN FEEL THAT.
THAT'S GOOD.

- CAN YOU ARRANGE THE HAIR
THAT'S THERE TO COVER IT?
- NO NO NO!

'CAUSE I'M WORKING
IN THE DARK.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH
YOUR FUCKING HEAD, ROB.

DID I DO MORE
AL PACINO

IN THE CAR SCENE?

- I REMEMBER.
- YOU DID A LOT MORE.

YOU REMEMBER ME
DOING A LOT MORE?

- I HAVE TO SAY I'M...
- SAD TO SEE IT GO.

IT SERVED AS
A COUNTERPOINT TO
THE STUFF NAOMIE WAS DOING.

- IT DID?
- ( mimics Al Pacino )
I'M IN THE DARK.

I DO A GOOD AL.
"SHYLOCK IS MY NAME."

- DID YOU SEE HIM IN THAT?
- YEAH.

I DO A GOOD
AL PACINO TOO,

BUT I DON'T DO IT
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
ALL THE TIME.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
THE CONFIDENCE.

- I UNDERSTAND.
- I DO.

- I FEEL I CAN
GET UP THERE AND DO IT.
- I CAN DO AL PACINO.

I CAN DO LIKE AL PACINO
IN "THE GODFATHER."

THAT WASN'T GREAT.
MY FRIEND...

WHEN THE GODFATHER
SPEAKS LIKE THIS,

"YOU DISRESPECT
THE FAMILY."

- THE GODFATHER TALKS LIKE THIS.
- THE GODFATHER SPEAKS
LIKE THAT.

- NO, THE GODFATHER--
- YOU HAVE NO DEPTH
TO THE WAY YOU SPEAK.

BECAUSE THERE WAS
NO DEPTH IN THOSE DAYS,
IN THOSE DAYS--

YOU KNOW, YOU SOUND
LIKE A CARTOON NOW.

- ( mockingly mumbles )
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M DOING.

- WITH RESPECT--
- THE GODFATHER--

- LET 'EM DO PACINO.
- THAT'S THE WAY
I DO PACINO.

- JUST LET ME DO PACINO.
- THAT'S THE WAY. I WAS
REAL FUCKING LOUD!

LIKE THAT!
IT'S REAL FUCKING LOUD!

A BIG SOUND LIKE THAT
ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

THAT'S COLUMBO.
I-I-I-I-- I'M VERY OPEN.

I MODEL MYSELF ON PACINO.
YOU CAN SEE IT ON THE SCREEN.

YOU SEE IT, IN FACT,
WHEN I LEAN AGAINST A WALL.

THA-- THAT'S PACINO.

WHEN I DO A LOOK OF SHOCK,

- THAT'S PACINO.
- ( mumbles )

ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS NOW
OR ARE YOU JOKING?

WE'RE IN THE SAME BUSINESS.
( stammers )

I'M NOT SHOWY.
THAT'S THE LAST THING I AM.

I LOOK FOR TRUTH,
AND THAT'S WHY
I GO TO PACINO,

THAT'S WHY
I GO TO HOPKINS.

BUT NO, I GO
TO ACTRESSES AS WELL.

I GO TO STREISAND.

- I GO TO STREISAND.
I REGULARLY GO TO STREISAND.
- ( guffaws )

I SAY,
"WHAT CAN YOU GIVE ME?"

AND I LOOK AT
HER BODY... OF WORK,

SO I HAVE A LITTLE BIT
FROM "HELLO, DOLLY!"

I'M GOING TO TAKE
A LITTLE BIT FROM "YENTL,"

AND PUT THEM TOGETHER,
A WHOLE ( speaks Hebrew ),

SHE WOULD SAY IN JEWISH,
AND OFF I GO.

SO I'VE GOT STREISAND
UNDERNEATH ME,

I'VE GOT HOPKINS,
I'VE GOT PACINO.

YOU TELL ME
WHERE I CAN'T GO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I'VE HAD THEM DONE.

- I KNOW YOU HAVE.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

FEEL THAT ONE.
LOOK, NO CREVASSE.

- FEEL IT.
- DON'T ASK ME
TO FEEL YOUR TEETH.

- JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND FEEL IT.
- NO.

IT'S YOUR
FUCKING TEETH. CHRIST.

YOU'VE GOT SUCH A THING
ABOUT-- WHENEVER THERE'S
A HINT OF SOMETHING GAY--

- WHAT? THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH "GAY."
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO TOUCH
ANOTHER MAN'S TEETH

BECAUSE YOU'RE WORRIED
YOU MIGHT BE ATTRACTED TO ME.
JUST TOUCH MY TEETH.

- IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD,
IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.