Trigger (2020) - full transcript

My name's Matt

and this is my first

session or meeting or
whatever we call this thing

I've not really given much thought
about what I'm gonna say

I suppose that's why I'm here

to think,

talk through how I'm feeling maybe,

share my experience

I'm 24 years old,

I'm a mechanic,

I live with my mum and dad
just outside Glasgow.

I've got a little brother

and a dog,

cult cooper.

Life seemed pretty basic,

pretty basic

No dramas

until a couple of weeks ago when I was...

when I was raped.

It''s hard...

I've thought long and hard

about what happened to me

and why it happened

and part of me strong denial,


maybe my fault

My friends and my family don't know

I tried to hide it from them, but

but things my girlfriend
kind of went so worn

I just hit rock bottom

I felt I wasn't good enough for her

I felt I'd let her down.

So, so was my best pal's 21st.

We've been out to the football and
then we hit the town.

I...I had a few too many,

too many pubs.

I lost my pals,

the battery my phone had died...

so I just walked home

and I tried to flag down a taxi, but

I mean, they must have taken one look
at the state of me and thought twice.

I cut through the park,

it started raining pretty heavily.

My feet were just covered in mud.

So, I go back to the road

I stand under a bus shuttle just
to dry off a bit

and that's when a car pulled over.

I remember these lights,
these blending white lights...

So I got in the back
thinking it was a taxi,

even smelled like a taxi.

I don't even remember telling him my address

The music was something sleepy

and I could tell from the back of the
guy's head, he was about 40,

but that's...that's where the beer
goggles on

so I couldn't say precisely.

Then I threw up
all over my jeans

and all over the side of the door.

Before I knew it

the car was pulled over,

my belt was unbuckled,

jeans on my knees

and I didn't even try to stop him

I didn't even question it

I was just... just paralyzed
with the drink

but the shock

after he went down there

I remember my face
being pushed down,

my face was right in at the carpet


and it happened.

I couldn't see anything at that point,
but the pain was...

I was left at the side of the road

and then after a couple minutes

I managed to get back to my feet

and I figured out my bearings

I just walked straight home, straight in,
straight to bed

just shut my eyes like...

just like I don't been in a bad dream.

And the morning came as quick
as the night it went

I laid in the bath,

I could hear my little brother kicking
his football off the garage door

and just every rattle became unbearable

So I dried off

and i put on the mask like...
like nothing had happened.

That was my little secret

I didn't tell a soul,
I didn't want to acknowledge it

I kept beating myself up over
why I didn't try and stop him

I mean, did i say something
to provoke him?

Was I asking for it?

I've just a million thoughts just running
right through my head

I 'm not gay or am I?

I mean did I enjoy it?

Was there a part of me that liked it?

I was...I couldn't...
I couldn't reason with myself

Yes. So after a couple days,

my girlfriend, she sensed that something was off.

I didn't want to have sex,

I couldn't look her in the eye anymore.

So one night

I texted her

I told her it was over

and then I just...I just withdrew.

Stopped going to work,

I ignored my pals.

I just locked myself away shame

And most nights

I'd replay in my head what happened
just over and over and over

I then became obsessed

I was questioning my sexuality a lot

I'm here today because

well, because I don't want to just keep
this in my head anymore

I thought that by saying things out loud

it would make it easier

and I feel it, you know,



Hearing some of you talk today

it's given me a whole new perspective,

all new mind set.

What happened to me
doesn't define who I am,

doesn't make me any less of a man or
a friend or a brother or a son.

How was this?

I was raped

This is...uh...

There's a saying I'd done

I love my life bias

everything happens for a reason

I'm not so sure anymore