Trigger (2020) - full transcript
My name's Matt
and this is my first
session or meeting or
whatever we call this thing
I've not really given much thought
about what I'm gonna say
I suppose that's why I'm here
to think,
talk through how I'm feeling maybe,
share my experience
I'm 24 years old,
I'm a mechanic,
I live with my mum and dad
just outside Glasgow.
I've got a little brother
and a dog,
cult cooper.
Life seemed pretty basic,
pretty basic
No dramas
until a couple of weeks ago when I was...
when I was raped.
It's...it's hard...
I've thought long and hard
about what happened to me
and why it happened
and part of me strong denial,
ashamed,
maybe my fault
My friends and my family don't know
I tried to hide it from them, but
but things my girlfriend
kind of went so worn
I just hit rock bottom
I felt I wasn't good enough for her
anymore
I felt I'd let her down.
So, so was my best pal's 21st.
We've been out to the football and
then we hit the town.
I...I had a few too many,
too many pubs.
I lost my pals,
the battery my phone had died...
so I just walked home
and I tried to flag down a taxi, but
I mean, they must have taken one look
at the state of me and thought twice.
I cut through the park,
it started raining pretty heavily.
My feet were just covered in mud.
So, I go back to the road
I stand under a bus shuttle just
to dry off a bit
and that's when a car pulled over.
I remember these lights,
these blending white lights...
So I got in the back
thinking it was a taxi,
even smelled like a taxi.
I don't even remember telling him my address
The music was something sleepy
and I could tell from the back of the
guy's head, he was about 40,
but that's...that's where the beer
goggles on
so I couldn't say precisely.
Then I threw up
all over my jeans
and all over the side of the door.
Before I knew it
the car was pulled over,
my belt was unbuckled,
jeans on my knees
and I didn't even try to stop him
I didn't even question it
I was just... just paralyzed
with the drink
but the shock
after he went down there
I remember my face
being pushed down,
my face was right in at the carpet
and
and it happened.
I couldn't see anything at that point,
but the pain was...
I was left at the side of the road
and then after a couple minutes
I managed to get back to my feet
and I figured out my bearings
I just walked straight home, straight in,
straight to bed
just shut my eyes like...
just like I don't been in a bad dream.
And the morning came as quick
as the night it went
I laid in the bath,
I could hear my little brother kicking
his football off the garage door
and just every rattle became unbearable
So I dried off
and i put on the mask like...
like nothing had happened.
That was my little secret
I didn't tell a soul,
I didn't want to acknowledge it
I kept beating myself up over
why I didn't try and stop him
I mean, did i say something
to provoke him?
Was I asking for it?
I've just a million thoughts just running
right through my head
I 'm not gay or am I?
I mean did I enjoy it?
Was there a part of me that liked it?
I was...I couldn't...
I couldn't reason with myself
Yes. So after a couple days,
my girlfriend, she sensed that something was off.
I didn't want to have sex,
I couldn't look her in the eye anymore.
So one night
I texted her
I told her it was over
and then I just...I just withdrew.
Stopped going to work,
I ignored my pals.
I just locked myself away in...in shame
And most nights
I'd replay in my head what happened
just over and over and over
I then became obsessed
I was questioning my sexuality a lot
I'm here today because
well, because I don't want to just keep
this in my head anymore
I thought that by saying things out loud
it would make it easier
and I feel it, you know,
the
relief
Hearing some of you talk today
it's given me a whole new perspective,
all new mind set.
What happened to me
doesn't define who I am,
doesn't make me any less of a man or
a friend or a brother or a son.
How was this?
I was raped
This is...uh...
There's a saying I'd done
I love my life bias
everything happens for a reason
I'm not so sure anymore
and this is my first
session or meeting or
whatever we call this thing
I've not really given much thought
about what I'm gonna say
I suppose that's why I'm here
to think,
talk through how I'm feeling maybe,
share my experience
I'm 24 years old,
I'm a mechanic,
I live with my mum and dad
just outside Glasgow.
I've got a little brother
and a dog,
cult cooper.
Life seemed pretty basic,
pretty basic
No dramas
until a couple of weeks ago when I was...
when I was raped.
It's...it's hard...
I've thought long and hard
about what happened to me
and why it happened
and part of me strong denial,
ashamed,
maybe my fault
My friends and my family don't know
I tried to hide it from them, but
but things my girlfriend
kind of went so worn
I just hit rock bottom
I felt I wasn't good enough for her
anymore
I felt I'd let her down.
So, so was my best pal's 21st.
We've been out to the football and
then we hit the town.
I...I had a few too many,
too many pubs.
I lost my pals,
the battery my phone had died...
so I just walked home
and I tried to flag down a taxi, but
I mean, they must have taken one look
at the state of me and thought twice.
I cut through the park,
it started raining pretty heavily.
My feet were just covered in mud.
So, I go back to the road
I stand under a bus shuttle just
to dry off a bit
and that's when a car pulled over.
I remember these lights,
these blending white lights...
So I got in the back
thinking it was a taxi,
even smelled like a taxi.
I don't even remember telling him my address
The music was something sleepy
and I could tell from the back of the
guy's head, he was about 40,
but that's...that's where the beer
goggles on
so I couldn't say precisely.
Then I threw up
all over my jeans
and all over the side of the door.
Before I knew it
the car was pulled over,
my belt was unbuckled,
jeans on my knees
and I didn't even try to stop him
I didn't even question it
I was just... just paralyzed
with the drink
but the shock
after he went down there
I remember my face
being pushed down,
my face was right in at the carpet
and
and it happened.
I couldn't see anything at that point,
but the pain was...
I was left at the side of the road
and then after a couple minutes
I managed to get back to my feet
and I figured out my bearings
I just walked straight home, straight in,
straight to bed
just shut my eyes like...
just like I don't been in a bad dream.
And the morning came as quick
as the night it went
I laid in the bath,
I could hear my little brother kicking
his football off the garage door
and just every rattle became unbearable
So I dried off
and i put on the mask like...
like nothing had happened.
That was my little secret
I didn't tell a soul,
I didn't want to acknowledge it
I kept beating myself up over
why I didn't try and stop him
I mean, did i say something
to provoke him?
Was I asking for it?
I've just a million thoughts just running
right through my head
I 'm not gay or am I?
I mean did I enjoy it?
Was there a part of me that liked it?
I was...I couldn't...
I couldn't reason with myself
Yes. So after a couple days,
my girlfriend, she sensed that something was off.
I didn't want to have sex,
I couldn't look her in the eye anymore.
So one night
I texted her
I told her it was over
and then I just...I just withdrew.
Stopped going to work,
I ignored my pals.
I just locked myself away in...in shame
And most nights
I'd replay in my head what happened
just over and over and over
I then became obsessed
I was questioning my sexuality a lot
I'm here today because
well, because I don't want to just keep
this in my head anymore
I thought that by saying things out loud
it would make it easier
and I feel it, you know,
the
relief
Hearing some of you talk today
it's given me a whole new perspective,
all new mind set.
What happened to me
doesn't define who I am,
doesn't make me any less of a man or
a friend or a brother or a son.
How was this?
I was raped
This is...uh...
There's a saying I'd done
I love my life bias
everything happens for a reason
I'm not so sure anymore