Trick (1999) - full transcript

TRIXIE.

[ARF]

[ARF]

GABE, UM, COULD SHE USE
THE BATHROOM FIRST?

I REALLY GOTTA PEE.

YEAH, SURE.

[ARF]

SHE'S COMPANY, GABE.

I'LL BE FAST.

I'LL BE FAST.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
STAY OUT ALL NIGHT.



I FELL ASLEEP
IN THE HALL.

HUH.

I THOUGHT JUDY WAS COMING
BACK FROM PARIS TONIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. I NEED
THE APARTMENT TONIGHT.

[ARF]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[JACKHAMMER]

NO PROBLEM.

[RING]

PENNY, PENNY, TWITTY
AND FAFFENBURGER.

VIVIAN FAFFENBURGER'S OFFICE,
GABRIEL SPEAKING.

HEY, BABE.

KATHERINE.

ARE YOU BUSY?



I'M SO BUSY.

GOOD, CAN YOU TALK?

SURE.

SO, THAT, UH, THAT CUTE GUY
WE MET AT FOOTLIGHT RECORDS

TOOK ME TO DINNER.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.
OH, MY GOD, BABE.

DRESS REHEARSAL
TOTALLY SUCKED,

BUT THAT'S
GOOD LUCK, RIGHT?

NO. HE TOOK ME TO DINNER

BECAUSE HE WANTED ME
TO PLAY PIANO

FOR ONE OF HIS AUDITIONS

FOR THE NATIONAL TOUR
OF TITANIC.

IT WASN'T A DATE.

MEN ARE SUCH SCUM.

CAN YOU RUN LINES
WITH ME?

SURE, JUST A SEC.

OH, GREAT.

CHAPTER 14, RIGHT?

UH-HUH.

OK. WHO IS HE,
THE SON OF MAN?

IS HE AS BEAUTIFUL
AS YOU ARE, JOKANEN?

GET THEE BEHIND ME.

I HEAR IN THE PALACE
THE BEATING OF THE WINGS

OF THE ANGEL OF DEATH.

JOKANEN.
WHO SPEAKETH?

I AM AMOROUS OF
YOUR MOUTH, JOKANEN.

IT IS LIKE A POMEGRANATE

CUT IN TWAIN
WITH A KNIFE OF IVORY.

THERE IS NOTHING
IN THE WORLD

SO RED AS YOUR MOUTH.

SUFFER ME TO KISS
YOUR MOUTH.

[SIGH]

DON'T TELL ME.

DON'T TELL ME.

YOU BETTER TELL ME.

NEVER!
DAUGHTER OF BABYLON,

DAUGHTER OF SODOM,
NEVER!

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

THIS NEEDS TO GO OUT
THIS AFTERNOON.

NEVER!
GOTTA GO.

CALL ME LATER.

CAN YOU SIGN
MY TIMECARD?

HEY.

HMM, HARD DAY
AT THE OFFICE?

DID YOU FIND A RHYME FOR
THE LYRIC IN THE SECOND "A"?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

UH, WHAT'S WITH
THE UMBRELLA?

WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO SING?

SHOULD I HUM OR WHAT?

Gabriel:
YEAH, YEAH, HUM.

OR MAYBE LA LA LA.

FINE.

I'LL WING IT.

ARE WE IN STUDIO "D,"
BECAUSE I HATE

WHAT THE ACOUSTICS IN
THAT ROOM DO TO MY VOICE.

OK, THIS IS THE SONG
FOR THE SECOND ACT

OF MY MUSICAL.

UH, IT WILL BE SUNG
BY THE CHARACTER OF--

[SHOES TAPPING]

UH, YEAH, YEAH--

ONCE AGAIN, MY FRIEND
KATHERINE LAMBERG

WILL BE SINGING THE PART
OF DORKUS THE MAID.

OH, AND, UH, SHE BROUGHT
HER PICTURE AND RáSUMá

IN CASE ANYONE'S
INTERESTED.

I WILL BE READING
THE PART OF RODRIGO

AND STAGE DIRECTIONS.

OK. OK, RODRIGO'S JUST
FINISHED HIS BIG BALLAD,

APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE,
APPLAUSE.

THAT'S SOME STORY.

IT WOULD TAKE A MIRACLE
FOR ME TO EVER LOVE AGAIN.

BUT MIRACLES CAN HAPPEN.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE.

NEVER?

WELL, NOT FOR
A VERY LONG TIME.

BUCK UP, RODRIGO.

I THINK YOU'RE JUST
ABOUT DUE FOR A MIRACLE.

THEY KISS.
RODRIGO EXITS.

[PLAYS]

* I'VE HEARD THAT
ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE *

* AND WE ARE
ONLY PLAYERS *

* ACTING OUT
SOME PREDETERMINED PAGE *

* BUT IT IS LONELY
AS CAN BE *

* WITH NOBODY
OPPOSITE ME *

* THEN

* ENTER YOU

* VOILà, IT'S SHOWTIME *

* YOU BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN
WITH A DANCE AND A DUM *

* DIDDY

* ENTER YOU

* IN LESS THAN NO TIME

* LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA LUM LITTY *

* UP WENT THE CURTAIN

* MY LINES FELT WRONG

* INTERMISSION SEEMED
SO FAR AWAY *

* THE PLOT UNCERTAIN

* THE SCENES
TOO LONG *

* LIFE WAS LIKE
AN UNINSPIRING PLAY *

* BUT

* NOW YOU'RE HERE

* WE MEET STAGE CENTER

* I THOUGHT MY STORY LINE
WAS THROUGH *

* THEN, ENTER YOU

* NOW YOU'RE HERE

* WE MEET STAGE CENTER

* I THOUGHT MY STORY LINE
WAS THROUGH *

* THEN

* FROM THE BLUE

* ENTER

* YOU

[WHISPERING]
You were great.

GABRIEL?

I REALLY LIKED IT.

THANKS.

BUT, DO YOU THINK
THIS IS HOW THE MAID

WOULD REALLY BEHAVE?

UH, WELL,
THIS ISN'T REALITY.

I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT A MAID

WHO BELTS E-FLATS HERE.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE PEOPLE
WALKING DOWN THE STREET

BURSTING INTO SONG
AND DANCING, RIGHT?

EXCEPT MAYBE
IN THE WEST VILLAGE.

HA HA, JUST KIDDING.

ANYWAY, GABRIEL,
YOU MADE YOUR POINT,

BUT IT'S STILL
IMPORTANT

THAT THE WRITER
TELL THE TRUTH.

I MEAN, "ENTER YOU"?
I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, SHE'S JUST
BEEN KISSED.

HAVE YOU CAPTURED
THAT FEELING YOU GET

AFTER A REALLY
GREAT KISS--

THE BEST KISS
YOU EVER HAD?

IT'S EXCITING,
AND IT'S TERRIFYING,

AND IT'S SEXY AND...

AND MAYBE YOU THINK
YOU COULD FALL IN LOVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW, RODRIGO
AND DORKUS JUST MET.

I MEAN, IF WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT

HOW PEOPLE
REALLY BEHAVE...

I MEAN, I CAN'T HAVE THEM
FALLING IN LOVE

ON THE FIRST NIGHT.

I MEAN, THAT--THAT
WOULDN'T BE BELIEVABLE.

WELL, NOT IF YOU
DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN, WHY IS SHE
SINGING THIS?

WOULD YOU SING IT?

UH, YEAH, YEAH.

I HOPE I DIDN'T
EMBARRASS YOU IN THERE.

NO MORE THAN I EMBARRASSED
MYSELF PRESENTING THIS SONG.

HE GETS FUNNY

WHEN HIS SONG'S
DON'T GO OVER

ON THE FIRST TRY.

OH,
DON'T DO THAT.

HE'S GOT A COPY AT HOME.

LISTEN, THE BEST ADVICE
ANYBODY EVER GAVE ME,

I WAS WRITING
A LIBRETTO

FOR A MUSICAL VERSION
OF SATYRICON.

AND I WAS HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE

GETTING INTO, YOU KNOW,
ANCIENT ROME,

AND SEX ORGIES,
BESTIALITY--

THIS WAS IN COLLEGE.

SO, THIS PROFESSOR
TELLS ME THAT I SHOULD

WEAR SILK UNDERPANTS

AND EAT POMEGRANATE
SEEDS OUT OF A GOBLET.

SILK IT CHANGED
UNDERPANTS? EVERYTHING.

GABRIEL, YOU GOTTA GRAB
LIFE BY THE BALLS.

YOU GOTTA TRY
FOR THE UNEXPECTED.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO GET THE GOOD STUFF.

THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS.

YOU DIDN'T FLOP.

I KNOW WHAT A FLOP
FEELS LIKE,

AND THIS DEFINITELY
WAS A FLOP.

[SIGH]

YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE.
FORGET ABOUT IT.

SO, I PUT A TICKET
FOR MY SHOW TONIGHT

UNDER YOUR NAME.
NOW IT'S A COMP,

SO DON'T LET THEM
INTIMIDATE YOU

INTO PAYING.

OK.

OK. CAN YOU PUT THESE
IN YOUR BACKPACK?

SO, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO NOW?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S THAT?

JUST SOMETHING
SOMEONE GAVE ME.

SOME GAY BAR THAT CHARGES
3 BUCKS FOR A DIET COKE?

I WILL SEE YOU
AT YOUR SHOW, OK, KATHERINE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I THOUGHT WE COULD
GRAB A CHICKEN CAESAR

AT COZY'S
SOUP AND BURGER.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

HEY.

WHAT?

UH, I SAID HEY.

HEY.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO I DO?

WRITER.

WHAT DO YOU WRITE?

MUSICALS.

I FEEL REALLY LAME
TELLING PEOPLE THAT,

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME
SEEM LIKE A QUEEN,

WHICH I DON'T THINK I AM,

BUT IT--IT WOULDN'T
MATTER IF I WAS ANYWAY.

EXCEPT, I'M NOT.

YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND?

NO.

WOULD I BE HERE
IF I HAD A BOYFRIEND?

I'VE GOT ONE.

REALLY?

AND WHERE IS HE?

HE'S AT HOME.

YOU WANT TO COME OVER?

WE DON'T LIVE
FAR FROM HERE.

UH...

I--I THINK I SEE A FRIEND.

* I JUST CLOSE
MY EYES AGAIN *

* CLIMB ABOARD
THE DREAM WEAVER TRAIN *

* TRY TO TAKE AWAY
MY WORRIES OF TODAY *

* AND LEAVE TOMORROW
BEHIND *

* WHOA, DREAM WEAVER

* I BELIEVE
YOU'LL GET ME *

YOU SHOULD BE
DANCING UP THERE!

IT'S KIND OF LOUD!

YOU COULD!

YOU WANT TO?

I KNOW THE OWNER.

NO, THANKS.

DIET COKE WITH LIME.

DO YOU DO THAT?

WHAT?

ARE YOU A GO-GO BOY?

I USED TO BE.

TOO MUCH BEER.

UH-HUH.

BUT YOU'LL SEE ME
UP THERE AGAIN SOMEDAY.

* MAYBE TO AN ASTRAL PLANE

* ACROSS THE HIGHWAYS
OF FANTASY *

* HELP ME TO FORGET
TODAY'S PAIN *

* WHOA, DREAM WEAVER

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DANCE.

NOT LIKE THAT.

YOU JUST GOT
TO DO IT, MAN.

WATCH.

* WHOA, DREAM WEAVER

* I BELIEVE WE CAN REACH
THE MORNING LIGHT *

* WILL THE DAWN
MAYBE COME TOO SOON *

* THERE STILL MAY BE
SOME TIME *

* FLY ME AWAY

YEAH!

YEAH, YOU JUST
GOTTA DO IT, MAN.

DOES IT PAY WELL?

IT DEPENDS.

YOU SEE,
YOU WORK FOR TIPS.

SOMETIMES YOU MAKE 100,

AND IF THEY LIKE YOU,
YOU MAKE 150.

AND...IF YOU DO
THE OTHER STUFF...

SHOVE OFF, BABY.

THAT'S ALL YOU'RE
GETTING FROM ME TONIGHT.

DO YOU DO
THE OTHER STUFF?

NO, NOT SINCE
I FOUND JESUS.

* WHOA, DREAM WEAVER

* I BELIEVE WE CAN REACH
THE MORNING LIGHT *

* DREAM WEAVER

* I BELIEVE WE CAN REACH
THE MORNING LIGHT *

YOU'RE CUTE AS SHIT.

[DOOR BELL CHIMES]

YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?

YEAH.

YEAH, BUT MY ROOMMATE

WILL BE BACK
IN ABOUT 2 HOURS.

YOU CAN DO A LOT
IN 2 HOURS.

UH...

HI. I'M--I'M
GABRIEL.

MARK.

I'M MARK.

MARK.

WOW, THIS IS REALLY
AWKWARD.

HUH?

I SAID
THIS IS AWKWARD.

WHICH WAY?

WHICH FLOOR
ARE YOU ON?

UH, 5.

IT'S JUST, UH--IT'S
JUST ONE MORE FLIGHT.

UH, THIS IS IT.

IT, UH, STICKS SOMETIMES.

[GASP] OH, BABE,
YOU SCARED ME.

[ARF]
TRIXIE.

[ARF ARF]

KATHERINE!

TRIXIE!
TRIXIE!

I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT ALLERGIC.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

I LEFT 3 MESSAGES.

I'M USING YOUR COMPUTER,
UPDATING MY RáSUMá.

OH.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?

UH, JUST HANGING OUT.

OH.

OH, UH, WELL,
I NEED TO GET TO MY SHOW

AS SOON AS THIS IS
DONE PRINTING.

IS THIS A BAD IDEA?

NO, NO.
IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

REALLY.

HI. I'M
KATHERINE LAMBERG.

I'M AN ACTRESS.

MARK.

UH, WE DON'T HAVE
ANY CHAIRS, SO...

[PRINTER PRINTING]

MAYBE I SHOULD GO.

NO. NO.

UH, THIS WON'T
TAKE TOO LONG.

KATHERINE, UH...

HOW MANY RáSUMáS
ARE YOU PRINTING?

150.

I'M IN AN ALL-FEMALE
PRODUCTION OF SALOME

SET IN A WOMEN'S
PENITENTIARY.

IT'S NON-EQUITY.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

REALLY?

I'M A SLAVE,

BUT I UNDERSTUDY
JOHN THE BAPTIST.

THERE'S A PERFORMANCE
TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

MAYBE YOU COULD
COME WITH GABRIEL.

MAYBE. UH...

YOU TWO ARE ROOMMATES?

NO. NO.

BUT WE'RE
VERY CLOSE.

I EVEN TAKE CARE
OF HIS DOG. TRIXIE.

I, UH, I LIVE
WITH THIS GUY--RICH.

HE'S STRAIGHT.

GABE, I TALKED
TO MY MOTHER.

SHE CALLED YOU
MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN.

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

THAT'S FUNNY.

SHE STILL CALLS YOU THAT,

EVEN THOUGH WE HAVEN'T BEEN
DATING SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

WE WEREN'T
REALLY DATING.

ASK ANYONE FROM EL CAMINO.

[WHISPERING]
They'll say we were.

WE WENT TO ONE PROM BACK
WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS--

THOUGHT HE LIKED GIRLS THEN.

WHOOPS.

I KNOW, AND I WAS
ALWAYS WONDERING

WHY I WAS MAKING
THE FIRST MOVE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS ME.

I TOLD MY MOTHER
GABRIEL'S GAY.

AND SHE WAS, LIKE,
"OH, REALLY? YOU NEVER SAID."

AND I WAS, LIKE,
"DIDN'T I MENTION

"HE'S A MUSICAL THEATER
WRITER?

HELLO! DO I HAVE TO
SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?"

THAT WAS
A MILLION YEARS AGO.

YOU KNOW WHAT GABE
USED TO CALL ME?

KATHERINE.

PUSS.
YOU'RE SO KOOKY.

I HAD THIS JAMES BOND
THING, YOU KNOW, UH...

AHEM. OCTOPUSSY,
PUSSY GALORE.

HMM. I DIDN'T LIKE IT
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE SAID IT,

BUT IT WAS OK WHEN GABE
CALLED ME PUSS OR PUSS-PUSS

OR PUSSY.

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T
REALLY LIKE PUSSY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY NICKNAMES?

BEER CAN.

DID YOU USED TO DRINK A LOT
IN COLLEGE? [CHORTLES]

GABE'S WRITING A PART FOR ME
IN HIS MUSICAL--THE MAID.

IT'S ACTUALLY
A VERY BIG PART.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

I SING ALL HIS SONGS.
HE'S A WONDERFUL WRITER.

YOU'RE SO VERY TALENTED.

I, UH, DON'T KNOW
HOW I FEEL

ABOUT WRITING MUSICALS
RIGHT NOW.

I JUST KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA BE THE NEXT

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

OR STEPHEN SONDHEIM
OR SOMETHING.

I SPENT THE LAST 8 YEARS
OF MY LIFE

WRITING IN A GENRE
THAT'S BEEN DYING

A SLOW DEATH SINCE GYPSY.

HE'S A GOLDEN BOY.
HE REALLY IS.

YOU LOVE MUSICALS.

I USED TO.

MUSICALS ARE WAY
TOO CONTRIVED

AND PHONY AND CAMPY
AND STUPID.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY I WRITE THEM.

YOU WRITE SONGS?

MM-HMM.

THE MUSIC, TOO?

UH, YEAH.

AND YOU...
PLAY THE PIANO?

LET'S DO A NUMBER!

NO.

OH, JUST ONE.
HE'LL LOVE IT.

HIS SONGS
ARE SO GREAT.

UH, KATHERINE,
I DON'T THINK

THAT MARK'S INTERESTED
IN MY SONGS.

DO ONE.

REALLY?

YEAH.
I'D LIKE TO HEAR ONE.

SEE?

ALL RIGHT. ONE NUMBER,
AND THEN YOU'RE LEAVING.

OK.

CROSS YOUR HEART?

CROSS MY HEART.

GOD, I HAVE TO GET
TO MY SHOW ANYWAY.

OH, THIS IS SO FUN.

I TELL YA,

IF HAROLD PRINCE
HEARD THIS...

[PIANO PLAYING]

* I'VE HEARD THAT ALL
THE WORLD'S A STAGE *

* AND WE ARE
ONLY PLAYERS *

* ACTING OUT SOME
PREDETERMINED PAGE *

TRIXIE!

* BUT IT IS LONELY
AS CAN BE *

SHH! TRIXIE!

* WITH NOBODY
OPPOSITE ME *

* THEN

* ENTER YOU

* VOILà,
IT'S SHOWTIME *

TRIXIE! GOD, I'M SORRY,
BUT THAT DOG...

TRIXIE!

YOU SING.

NO, I SING HIS SONGS.

YOU WERE SINGING
WITH HER.

I WAS?

YEAH. SING IT.

WELL,
KATHERINE USUALLY--

I'LL SING ALONG
WITH YOU.

LET HIM DO IT ALONE.

UM, OK.

* I HEARD THAT
ALL THE WORLD'S A ST-- *

NO. JUST WHERE
SHE LEFT OFF.

* ENTER YOU

* VOILà,
IT'S SHOWTIME *

* YOU BROUGHT
THE HOUSE DOWN *

* WITH A DANCE
AND A DUM-DIDDY *

* ENTER YOU

* IN LESS THAN NO TIME

I, UH, STILL HAVE
TO FIGURE OUT THIS PART.

* UP WENT THE CURTAIN

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'VE GOT IT.

HELLO?

Perry: GABRIEL?

YEAH?
HI.

PERRY.
HOW'S IT GOING?

I WAS FEELING, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE TORCHY,

A LITTLE CHANTEUSEY,

SO I STUMBLED
INTO A PIANO BAR

AND THOUGHT I'D BELT OUT
SOME OF MY BETTER NUMBERS

FOR A BUNCH OF
BOOZY OLD FAIRIES.

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO MISS THAT.

WOW. THANKS, BUT, UH,

KATHERINE'S OPENING
IN A SHOW TONIGHT.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD STOP BY LATER,

AFTER HER SHOW.

I'LL PROBABLY BE HERE
TILL PRETTY LATE.

YOU KNOW WHERE
88's IS, RIGHT?

YEAH. IT'S AROUND THE CORNER
FROM THAT PLAY YOU TOOK ME TO.

THE ONE WITH--

MM. GREG LOUGANIS,
RIGHT.

RIGHT.
GREAT.

OK.
BYE.

BYE.

FRIEND.

YOU SHOULD SING MORE.

THANKS.

[PAPER ROLLS
OUT OF PRINTER]

[PRINTER BEEPS]

IT'S DONE.

NO, IT'S NOT.
IT RAN OUT OF PAPER.

NO.

IT'S DONE.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

CAN YOU SEE ME OUT?

BABE...

HE'S A GO-GO BOY.

UH-HUH.

WELL, I--I'M GOING.

YOUR NAME'S
ON THE COMP LIST.

YOU'RE GONNA
BE THERE, RIGHT?

YEAH. AND RICH IS
COMING BACK SOON. OK?

ONE OR TWO?
WHAT?

ONE OR TWO TICKETS?

WELL, IS THE GO-GO BOY
COMING TO MY SHOW?

I DON'T KNOW.
UH...

UH, PUT ME DOWN FOR ONE.

HMM. YOU KNOW, NOW THAT
MY SHOW'S OPENING,

I WON'T HAVE TO
REHEARSE SO MUCH.

MAYBE WE CAN FINALLY
GO SEE HELEN REDDY SING

AND GET A BAKED ALASKA.

OK, GREAT.

GREAT.

BYE, BABE.
[KISSES]

FINALLY.

YOU'RE REALLY CUTE.

MAYBE IF I PLAYED THE PIANO,
I COULD RELAX.

WHATEVER.

MMM.

SHH.

[STOPS PLAYING PIANO]

[RESUMES PLAYING]

KEEP PLAYING.

OH, MY GOD.

FEEL GOOD?

YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE THAT?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

AND...

WHAT IF YOU...

WENT OVER HERE?

WHERE?

DOWN HERE.

THERE? WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO DOWN THERE?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
SOMEONE TO GO DOWN ON ME

WHILE I WAS PLAYING
THE PIANO.

OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I JUST TOLD YOU THAT.

I'VE NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THAT.

YOU WANT TO DO IT?

I'LL JUST SCOOT OUT
SO YOU CAN GET IN.

[TRIXIE WHINING]

[TRIXIE YAPPING]

UH...JUST A SEC.

TRIXIE.

TRIXIE.

YEAH, GIRL.

[TRIXIE CRYING]

BACKYARD.

OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

GOOD GIRL.

GOOD GIRL,
TRIXIE.

I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

IT'S OK.

UH...

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO PLAY.

DOES IT MATTER?

[STARTS PLAYING]

[BANGS HEAD]
OW!

SORRY.

DO YOU LIKE SHOW TUNES?

UH, I'M A LITTLE TOO NERVOUS
TO PLAY CLASSICAL.

IT'S YOUR FANTASY.

WELL, IN MY FANTASY,
I TAKE REQUESTS.

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

SHIT!
GET DRESSED.

[PLAYING A SHOW TUNE]

GABRIEL, YOU JUST GOT
MUSIC IN YOUR BONES.

Rich: WHAT'S GOING ON?

I NEED THE APARTMENT.

UH, MARK WANTED
TO HEAR MY SONGS.

AND...YOU'RE EARLY.

AND...
I NEED THE APARTMENT.

SHE'S BEEN IN FRANCE
ALL SUMMER.

YEAH, AND YOU'RE EARLY.

AND I TOLD YOU I NEEDED
THE APARTMENT TONIGHT.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS
IN THE BATHROOM?

WHAT'S TRIXIE DOING
ON THE FIRE ESCAPE?

[DOOR SLAMS]

PLEASE.
I ONLY NEED AN HOUR.

PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, RICH,

'CAUSE I REALLY,
REALLY WANT TO DO THIS.

I'M REALLY, REALLY
INTO HIM,

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I GET
TO DO THIS VERY OFTEN.

AND I SLEPT OUT
IN THE HALL LAST NIGHT.

WILL YOU--SHH!

LOOK, GABE...

WHAT JUDY AND I HAVE
IS SPECIAL.

SPECIAL?!

AND I GET THE IMPRESSION
THAT YOU DISRESPECT

THE LOVE THAT JUDY AND I
SHARE, AND THAT HURTS.

I EXPECT IT
FROM MY PARENTS.

THEY DON'T KNOW.
BUT YOU?

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE,

I--I THOUGHT
YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.

Gabriel: THIS IS REALLY
HARD FOR ME, RICH.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MEET PEOPLE.

I GET REALLY WEIRD,

AND I MAKE IT MORE IMPORTANT
THAN IT SHOULD BE.

[GIGGLES]

CAN'T YOU DO IT
TOMORROW NIGHT?

SHE'S BEEN IN FRANCE
ALL SUMMER.

YOU CAN'T ASK
A ONE-NIGHT STAND

TO COME BACK
TOMORROW NIGHT!

Gabriel:
LET'S FLIP FOR IT.

Judy: SHIT.

FLIP?

YEAH, FLIP.

HO HO HO.

HEADS.

NO! TAILS!

I HAVE A TOKEN.

[ZIPS PANTS]

WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FOR?

CONDOM.

OH.

Rich: YOU WANT "NEW YORK CITY
TRANSIT AUTHORITY"

OR "GOOD FOR ONE FARE"?

MERCI.

"GOOD FOR ONE FARE."

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

BROOKLYN.

OH.

YEAH. BUT LET'S NOT GO
ALL THE WAY OUT THERE.

OH, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND
OR SOMETHING?

NO, BUT IT'S NOT
REALLY MY APARTMENT.

YOU SEE, I RENT THE ROOM
FROM THIS OLD WOMAN,

AND SHE DOESN'T
LIKE ME BRINGING GUYS

BACK TO THE PLACE.

YOU KNOW,
IF YOU'RE NOT INTO THIS,

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

NO, I AM.

I AM.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
WONDER BAR?

WHAT DO WE WANT
TO GO TO A BAR FOR?

RIGHT. RIGHT.

YEAH. I--I USUALLY
DON'T GO TO BARS.

WELL, I--I DID TONIGHT,
BUT...

WELL, I GO TO BARS,
BUT NOT A LOT.

I USED TO THINK THAT
I DIDN'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE,

BUT NOW, ACTUALLY, I THINK
THAT I DO LIKE GAY PEOPLE.

THERE'S JUST--THERE WAS
A TIME THAT I FELT LIKE...

I WASN'T ONE OF THEM.

YOU KNOW? CULTURALLY.

YOU SUCK DICK, RIGHT?

[LAUGHS]

WELL, YEAH.

YEAH, BUT WHAT I MEAN IS,
I--I DON'T HAVE BLEACHED HAIR,

AND I DON'T LOOK GOOD
IN LYCRA,

AND I DON'T WORK OUT...
MUCH.

YOU EVER HAD
A BOYFRIEND?

OH, I WOULDN'T CALL HIM
A BOYFRIEND.

HE WAS ACTUALLY SOMETHING
TOTALLY RANDOM.

YOU KNOW, I MET HIM
IN THE LIBRARY,

AND HE WAS REALLY CUTE,

AND HE HAD THIS ITALIAN
ACCENT, WHICH I LOVE.

I TOTALLY LOVE GUYS
WITH ACCENTS.

YEAH?

I MEAN, I WAS NUTS.

I MEAN, I WAS TOTALLY
GOOFY FOR THIS GUY.

[LAUGHS]

BUT THEN,
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY,

WE JUST STOPPED HAVING
THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.

THEN I STOPPED CALLING HIM
TO SEE IF HE'D CALL ME,

AND HE DIDN'T.

AW, IT WAS PROBABLY
BETTER ANYWAYS.

I MEAN,
I DIDN'T HAVE A BEDROOM.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE USE
OF HAVING A BOYFRIEND

IF YOU DON'T HAVE
A BEDROOM, RIGHT?

BESIDES, I STARTED GETTING
THIS NAGGING FEELING,

YOU KNOW, THAT HE WAS LYING
TO ME ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T THINK
HE WAS ITALIAN.

I ACTUALLY THINK
HE WAS PUERTO RICAN

OR SOMETHING.

WELL, GABE, MAYBE
I SHOULD GET GOING.

UH, WAIT! UH...

WAIT.

I--I DO KNOW
THIS ONE GUY.

UH-HUH.

FROM MY WRITER'S
WORKSHOP.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE WE COULD, UH...

GO TO HIS PLACE.

GREAT. CALL HIM.

UH, HE'S NOT AT HOME,
ACTUALLY.

HE'S AT A--
HE'S AT A PIANO BAR.

[PIANO PLAYING]

* I TOLD MY FRIEND,
THE WRITER *

* HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE

* IF HE'D WRITE
AN OPENING NUMBER *

* ESPECIALLY FOR ME

* BUT WHEN HE HAD IT
FINISHED *

* IT CAME AS QUITE A SHOCK

* HE HANDED ME A SONG
TITLED *

* HOW DO YOU LIKE MY...

* I SAID, YOU CAN'T
DO THAT IN PUBLIC *

* I SAID,
EVEN I WOULDN'T DARE *

* SO HE MADE
A FEW SMALL CHANGES *

* NOW I CAN SING IT
ANYWHERE *

* CóMO TE GUSTA MI PINGA

* EN TUS PANTALóNES

* CóMO TE GUSTA MI PINGA

* Y MIS CAJóNES

* IT'S THE SAME OLD THING
IN THE SAME OLD HOLE *

* BUT WHEN YOU SAY IT
IN ESPAÑOL *

* IT SOUNDS DIVINE

* CóMO TE GUSTA MI PINGA

* ES MUY CALIENTE

[LAUGHTER]

* CóMO TE GUSTA MI PINGA

* ES GRANDE PLENTY *

* YOU DON'T GO AROUND

* SHOUTING,
YOU'RE WELL-HUNG *

* BUT WHEN YOU DO IT
IN ANOTHER TONGUE *

* IT'S JUST FINE

* WHEN THE HOUR'S LATE,
AND I DON'T HAVE A DATE *

* AND I FEEL
THAT I CAN'T GO ON *

* I LIFT UP MY HEAD,
AND I STICK OUT MY CHIN *

* AND I TALK LIKE

* MONTALBAN

* CóMO TE GUSTA MI PINGA

* IT SOUNDS SO NEATO

* LIKE A WARM QUESADILLA *

* OR A PORK BURRITO

* IT'S THE SAME OLD CHEESE
AND THE SAME OLD MEAT *

* BUT WHEN IT HAS
A LATIN BEAT *

* IT'S OK

* CóMO TE GUSTA MI PINGA

* OLá

* AY! AY!

[APPLAUSE]

OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND THANK YOU
TO MY FAVORITE PIANO MAN--

MR. LESTER SINCLAIR.

THIS MAKES ME SEEM REALLY
DESPERATE, AND I KIND OF AM.

ANYWAY, IT'S A LONG
PATHETIC STORY

THAT YOU DON'T
WANT TO HEAR,

BUT I MET THIS GUY,

AND WE DON'T HAVE
A PLACE TO GO.

OH, I WANT TO HEAR
THIS STORY. WHERE IS HE?

[GASPS]

HE'S CUTE.

HE'S A GO-GO BOY.

NO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M ASKING YOU THIS...

WHAT?

BUT, UH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR PLACE
TO YOURSELF NOW, RIGHT?

GABRIEL, YOU TRAMP.

OF COURSE
YOU CAN USE MY CO-OP

FOR YOUR LITTLE
LOVE ANTICS.

SOMEONE SHOULD.

BUT YOU GOT TO PROMISE NOT
TO BREAK ANYTHING, OK?

OK.

OOH.

GABRIEL TELLS ME
YOU'RE A GO-GO BOY.

THAT MUST BE FUN.

IT'S A BLAST.

SO HOW OFTEN DO YOU PARTICIPATE
IN THREE-WAYS OR FOUR-GIES?

PERRY!

I'M DOING RESEARCH.

FOR WHAT?

MY CASANOVA MUSICAL.

MARK,
THREE-WAYS OR FOUR-GIES?

UH, SOMETIMES.

WHAT KIND OF GUYS
DO YOU USUALLY PICK UP,

OR DO YOU HUSTLE?

NO. I DON'T HUSTLE.

I BET YOU WOULDN'T OBJECT

IF I SLIPPED A 10-SPOT
IN YOUR UNDIES.

[GIGGLES]

OK.

SO WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?

IT VARIES.

INTERESTING,
INTERESTING.

THEY AREN'T ALL LIKE
GABRIEL, THEN?

ONCE I DATED THIS GUY
FROM YALE...

HE WAS IN THE GLEE CLUB.

[GASPS]
A WHIFFENPOOF!

YOU HEARD OF THEM?

I CAN'T RESIST
A LYRIC BARITONE.

IN FACT, I'VE DATED
3 WHIFFENPOOFS,

4 TIGERTONES,
A CROCADILLO,

AND 2 MEMBERS OF
THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR.

SO YOU LIKED HIM,
THIS WHIFFENPOOF?

YEAH. HE WAS
REALLY GREAT.

I BET YOU BROKE HIS HEART.
ALL CASANOVAS DO.

UM, YOU KNOW.

BE CAREFUL WITH
A MUSICIAN'S HEART.

WE'RE FRAGILE.

SO CAN ME AND GABE
GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE

AND SCREW AROUND?

MY APARTMENT'S
JUST UP IN CHELSEA.

WOULD IT BE OK IF YOU USED
THE FUTON IN THE LIVING ROOM?

I FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD
ABOUT THE BED.

IT'S FINE.

OH, GOOD.

HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT
THIS MIGHT TAKE?

I MEAN, I WASN'T PLANNING
ON COMING BACK YET.

I COULD GO OUT
AND LET YOU IN,

AND THEN GO BACK OUT
FOR MAYBE 2 HOURS.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I WANTED TO GET SAUCED TONIGHT.

WHO JUST BROKE UP
WITH HIS BOYFRIEND?

SORRY.

NO, NO. I DON'T WANT
ANY SYMPATHY.

I JUST WANT TO
FORGET ABOUT HIM.

IT'S GOOD YOU BOYS
ARE COMING OVER, YOU KNOW?

MY PLACE HASN'T SEEN ANY ACTION
FOR, HA, 2 WEEKS.

HA. BUT I WANTED IT.

YOU DUMPED HIM?
NO.

HE DUMPED YOU?

WELL, I MADE HIM
DUMP ME. HA.

WE WERE CRYING, AND HE
ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED.

AND I SAID, "I WANT YOU
TO BREAK UP WITH ME!"

I DIDN'T EXPECT HIM
TO DO IT.

3 YEARS--I'M SINGLE FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN 3 YEARS.

GOD, I WANT HIM BACK.

WHAT AM I SAYING?
I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

JUST HIS SWEATERS.

I BOUGHT MOST OF
THOSE SWEATERS ANYWAY,

BEFORE HE MET ME,
HE HAD 2 DECENT SWEATERS.

WELL, 3. MAYBE 4.

LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT THIS, OK?

LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT IT.

GABRIEL PRESENTED HIS SONG
IN CLASS TODAY.

THAT PEACH
WHO SINGS YOUR SONGS--

BOY, IS SHE LOUD.

I TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO
GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS,

BUT I NEVER EXPECTED--HA.

WELL, JUST LOOK AT YOU.
HA HA.

YOU KNOW, THAT SONG
IS VERY GOOD, THOUGH.

THANKS.

PASTICHEY,
BUT I LIKE THAT.

HOW DOES THAT
BEGIN AGAIN?

THE VERSE?

YEAH. HOW DOES THAT GO?

* I'VE HEARD THAT
ALL THE WORLD'S-- *

CUT IT. NO ONE
WANTS TO HEAR THAT.

CUT THE VERSE?

HONEY,
GET IT OUT OF THERE.

JUST GO TO THE CHORUS.
THAT'S THE FUN PART.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
ALL THE SETUP?

GABRIEL! SONGWRITERS
HAVE BEEN DOING

THE VERSE-CHORUS THING
FOREVER. IT'S TIRED.

BE A MAVERICK.

WHAT'S THE FUNCTION
OF A VERSE?

TO KILL TIME
TILL WE GET TO THE CHORUS.

DURING THE VERSE,
WE WAIT, WE WAIT, WE WAIT.

WE ARE WAITING FOR THE CHORUS.
JUST GIVE US WHAT WE WANT.

CHORUS, CHORUS, CHORUS!

[GASPS]
OH, MY GOD, THERE HE IS!

I'M SORRY, GABRIEL.
HE'S CUTER.

WHAT, IS THAT--
IS THAT--

MY EX. PLEASE LET HIM SEE ME.
PLEASE LET HIM SEE ME.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

COME HERE.
WHAT--

PERRY?

OH, HI.

HEY, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

REALLY GREAT.

YOU GOT A HAIRCUT.

YEAH.

IT LOOKS NICE.

THANKS.

I DON'T WANT
TO INTERRUPT.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I'D LIKE TO TALK
TO YOU SOMETIME.

HI. I'M MARK.

HI, MARK.

HOW YOU DOING?

I'VE BEEN BETTER.

YOU KNOW,
MEETING THIS GUY

HAS BEEN ONE OF
THE LUCKIEST THINGS

THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO ME.

REALLY?

ARE YOU TWO...DATING?

DATING?

HIM?

NO!

WE'RE NOT...DATING.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

NOT IN
THE ROMANTIC SENSE.

I MEAN, THIS THING
BETWEEN US,

IT'S PURELY ANIMAL.

RIGHT, STUD?

HE'S AN ANIMAL.

I SEE.

YEAH, BUT WE DISCOVERED

WE'RE BOTH
OUT-AND-OUT TOPS,

SO WE'RE MAKIN'
THE ROUNDS TONIGHT

LOOKIN' FOR A COUPLE
OF HOT BOTTOMS.

WE GOT ONE.

HI.

DID I SAY
YOU COULD TALK?

NO.

NO, WHAT?

NO, THANK YOU?

NO, SIR!

NO, SIR.

HE'S STILL
IN TRAINING.

OHH!

[SOBBING]

WE FIT.

I KNOW.

WE DO. WE FIT.

MM-HMM.

ARE YOU STILL STAYING
WITH THAT CHOREOGRAPHER?

YEAH.

I HAVEN'T FOUND
A PLACE YET.

WE SHOULD TALK.

CAN I COME OVER?

OH!

IT'S OK.

WORK THIS OUT.

TALK.

YEAH. TALK.

SIR.

THAT WAS NICE.

WHAT?

THAT.
WHAT YOU JUST DID.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

COME ON.

10 MINUTES, LADIES.

OH, MY GOD.

EVERYONE I KNOW
IS HERE TONIGHT.

OH, HOW SWEET.
YOU HAVE TO READ THIS.

THEY'RE FROM
AN OLD BOYFRIEND OF MINE.

OH, I WONDER IF HE KNOWS
THAT MY NEW BOYFRIEND

IS HERE TONIGHT, TOO.

OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHS]

OH. OH,
GIVE THOSE TO HER.

HAVE A GREAT SHOW,
EVERYONE.

[GASPS] OHH!

I THINK I KNOW
WHO THESE ARE FROM.

WHO?
GABRIEL.

OH, IS THAT
YOUR BOYFRIEND?

THEY'RE FOR YOU.

OH, NO, THAT'S OK.
THERE'S NO MORE ROOM.

YOU CAN KEEP THEM.

THANKS.

[SNEEZES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

RICH.

WHAT?

SHE'S WATCHING US.

WHO IS?

TRIXIE.

SO?

I THINK SHE'S LONELY.

NO, SHE'S NOT LONELY.
SHE'S--NO.

I'M GOING TO FEED HER.

SHE LOOKS HUNGRY.

[SIGHS]

HERE, TRIXIE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MENUS?

I THINK I'M HUNGRY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS HUNGRY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS HORNY.

[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING INSIDE]

HEY.

HE'S WITH ME.

DON'T WE NEED
OUR HANDS STAMPED?

NO.

[WOMAN SINGING]

HERE, SEXY.

WHOO!

HEY, YOU NEVER CALL ME.

YEP.

YOU WANT SOMETHING
TO DRINK?

NO, THANKS.

CROWDED.

AREN'T YOU HOT?

NO. NO.

* YEAH

* OOH

* YEAH

* I AM WOMAN

* HEAR ME ROAR

* IN NUMBERS
TOO BIG TO IGNORE *

* AND I KNOW TOO MUCH

* TO GO BACK
AND PRETEND *

* 'CAUSE
I HEARD IT ALL BEFORE *

* I'VE BEEN DOWN THERE
ON THE FLOOR *

* NO ONE'S EVER GONNA
KEEP ME DOWN *

* AGAIN

* OH

* YES, I AM WISE

* BUT IT'S WISDOM
FOR THE PAIN *

* YES,
I'VE PAID THE PRICE *

* BUT LOOK
HOW MUCH I GAINED *

* IF I HAVE TO

* I CAN DO ANYTHING

* I AM STRONG

* STRONG

* I AM INVINCIBLE

* INVINCIBLE

* I AM WOMAN

* OH

* YEAH

* YOU CAN BEND
BUT NEVER BREAK ME *

* 'CAUSE IT ONLY SERVES
TO MAKE ME *

* MORE DETERMINED
TO ACHIEVE *

* MY FINAL GOAL

* AND I COME BACK
EVEN STRONGER *

* NOT A NOVICE ANY LONGER

* 'CAUSE OF THE DEEPEST
CONVICTION *

* IN MY SOUL

* OH

* YES, I AM WISE

* BUT IT'S WISDOM
FOR THE PAIN *

* YES,
I'VE PAID THE PRICE *

* BUT LOOK HOW MUCH
I GAINED *

* IF I HAD TO

* I CAN DO ANYTHING

* I AM STRONG

* STRONG

* I AM INVINCIBLE

* INVINCIBLE

* I AM WOMAN

* OH

* I AM WOMAN

* WATCH ME GROW

* SEE ME STANDING
TOE-TO-TOE *

* AS I SPREAD MY LOVE...

HEY, GIRL!

DINO!

OOH, MAN, I AM
FUCKING HORNY TONIGHT.

I BETTER GET LAID,
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD.

HI.

I GOT A TATTOO
YESTERDAY.

WHAT?

A TATTOO ON MY ASS.

YOU GOT TO SEE IT.
IT'S SO COOL.

IT'S HOT IN HERE.
ARE YOU HOT?

DOWN, BOY.

YOU'RE WASTED.

TOTALLY TRASHED.

I CAN SEE THAT.
DO YOU NEED TO SIT?

NO. I WANT TO STAND
HERE WITH YOU.

AND YOU.

OW! OOH, I FORGOT TO PUT
OINTMENT ON IT.

MY TATTOO.

IT'S SO COOL.
IT'S A SAILOR--

TOTAL BEEFCAKE.

I CAN'T SEE IT
WITHOUT A MIRROR.

[LAUGHS]

WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?

WHAT?
THE BATHROOM.

BACK THERE.

* I AM WOMAN

* YEAH, I AM WOMAN

* STRONG

* I AM WOMAN

* YES, I'M INVINCIBLE

* STRONG

* I AM WOMAN

* INVINCIBLE

* ALL RIGHT

* STRONG

* YEAH, I AM WOMAN

* INVINCIBLE

WHERE'D YOU PICK UP
PRISCILLA?

GABRIEL.

WHAT A DRAG.
GIRL NEEDS TO LOOSEN UP.

YO, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE HE COMES BACK.

DINO--

A FRIEND INVITED ME
TO A PARTY IN TRIBECA.

YEAH? WHICH FRIEND?

SOME RICH GUY.

LOOK, I'M NOT
INTO HANGING OUT

WITH A BUNCH
OF PARTY BURNOUTS.

AW, IT'S NOT
LIKE THAT, BABY.

IT'S YUMMY.

IT'S YUM--
OOH!

SO, ARE YOU AND MARK
BOYFRIENDS?

I'M SORRY?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

UM, GABRIEL.

GABRIEL.

[LAUGHS]

AS IN, "BLOW,
GABRIEL, BLOW"?

I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

YEAH, WELL...

I'M MISS COCO PERU.

HELLO.

HI.

OH.

SO, IS MARK
YOUR BOYFRIEND

OR JUST A TRICK?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE ARE.

MMM. HA HA!

OH, I'VE HEARD THAT
BEFORE.

OH, GABRIEL.

GABRIEL, GABRIEL,
GABRIEL,

GABRIEL, GABRIEL,
GABRIEL, GABRIEL.

LOOK...

I'M NOT ONE TO GOSSIP.

IT'S NOT MY NATURE.

TRUTH.

TRUTH--

NOW, THAT'S MY NATURE.

UH, CAN YOU STAND
OVER THERE?

A LITTLE PEE SHY?
OH, DON'T WORRY.

MISS COCO'S HERE TO HELP.

GABRIEL...

YOU LOOK LIKE
A NICE PERSON. YOU DO.

SO, AS A TRUTH SEEKER,

I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY
TO TELL YOU

THAT MARK IS A NO-GOOD
FUCKING PIECE OF RAT SHIT.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

HE'S HANDSOME.

HE'S CHARMING.

HUGE PENIS.

HUGE PENIS.

OH, BELIEVE ME,
GABRIEL, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'D--I'D REALLY LIKE
TO HEAR THIS,

BUT COULD YOU--

TURN AROUND?
SURE.

YEAH, I REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM.

OH, YEAH.

IT WAS 2 YEARS AGO,
GAY PRIDE DAY.

I WAS ON THE TRAIN GOING HOME
FROM THE FESTIVITIES,

AND HE WAS SITTING
ACROSS FROM ME...

SLEEPING.

BUT HE WASN'T
REALLY SLEEPING.

OH, NO.

HE WAS PRETENDING
TO SLEEP,

BECAUSE HE KNOWS
HE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL

WHEN HE'S SLEEPING

AND NOT THE ANTICHRIST
HE REALLY IS.

AND EVEN THOUGH I COULD
TELL HE WAS FAKING,

I WENT ALONG WITH IT.

CALL ME CRAZY.
I DON'T KNOW.

ANYWAY,
WE STARTED TALKING,

AND HE GIVES ME
SOME LINE

ABOUT SOME OLD LADY
HE LIVES WITH,

AND HE ASKS IF HE CAN GO
BACK TO MY PLACE.

I TOLD HIM.

I DON'T INVITE STRANGERS
UP TO MY APARTMENT.

AND THEN HE LOOKS DOWN
AT HIS CROTCH

AND THEN BACK UP AT ME,

AND HE SAYS,

"IT'S BIG,

"IT'S BEAUTIFUL,

AND YOU'RE GOING
TO LOVE IT."

AND I SAID, "OH...

ALL RIGHT."

AND...

AS HE WALKED ME BACK
TO MY APARTMENT

ON THAT GAY NIGHT
OF NIGHTS...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HE TOOK MY HAND
GENTLY INTO HIS.

AND FOR A MOMENT,

I FELT LIKE THE LUCKIEST
DRAG QUEEN IN THE WORLD.

AND I FANTASIZED--

"YES. THIS IS IT.

"THIS IS THE MAN
I'M GOING TO SPEND

THE REST
OF MY LIFE WITH."

I'D BE THE ONE
TO SHOW HIM

THE VIRTUES
OF A LOVING HEART.

BUT DO YOU KNOW
WHAT HE DID?

HE TOOK THAT HEART,
HE TOSSED IT ON THE FLOOR.

WITH HIS LITTLE
SATAN HOOFS, HE JUMPED...

HE JUMPED HARD.

THE TRUTH IS, GABRIEL,

WHEN WE GOT BACK
TO MY APARTMENT,

HE GRABBED ME.
HE THREW ME ON THE BED.

HE TORE OFF
ALL MY CLOTHES.

WILL YOU HOLD ON
ONE GODDAMN MINUTE?!

Man:
COME ON!

JESUS CHRIST.

NOW I FORGOT
WHERE I WAS.

WHERE WAS I?

THREW YOU ON THE BED,
TORE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

SO I'M LICKING HIS BALLS.

NEXT THING I KNOW,

HE COMES IN MY EYE,
AND HE'S OUT THE DOOR.

GONE.

YOU EVER GET COME
IN YOUR EYE, GABRIEL, HMM?

IT BURNS.

SO, THERE I WAS

LYING IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY BED

COMPLETELY NAKED

WITH AN EYE FULL OF COME,
THINKING TO MYSELF,

"OH.

"OH.

OH, NO."

AND THEN,
THE NEXT DAY,

WHEN I CALL THE NUMBER
HE'D GIVEN ME EARLIER,

IT WAS THE BROOKLYN
BOTANICAL GARDENS.

AND WOULD BELIEVE?

THEY NEVER EVEN HEARD
OF A MARK MIRANDA.

BUT AM I BITTER?

ABSOLUTELY.

LET'S FACE IT, GABRIEL.

YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER
LITTLE PHONE NUMBER

ON A DIRTY COCKTAIL NAPKIN

SHOVED INTO THE BOTTOM
OF HIS POCKET.

[URINATES]

GOOD BOY.

BUT...

DO WHAT YOU WILL.

I ONLY OFFER YOU
THIS INFORMATION

BECAUSE I'M A GIVER.

WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE SOMEDAY
WE'LL MEET AGAIN,

AND I'LL BE ABLE
TO LOOK AT YOU AND SAY,

"GABRIEL."

"GABRIEL.

"OOH...

I TOLD YOU SO."

* MAYBE

* MAYBE SOMEDAY

TOTALLY SICK, RIGHT?

SICK.

* ONE OF
THESE DAYS *

* LOVE MAKES SENSE TO ME

* SOMEDAY

I'M GLAM, BABY.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW GLAM I AM.

YOU WANT ME?

Man: YEAH! WHOO!

* MAYBE

* MAYBE

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

* MAYBE

* ONE OF THESE DAYS

* LOVE MAKES SENSE TO ME

* WELL, MAYBE

* MAYBE SOMEDAY, YES

* MAYBE

GOOD NIGHT, DINO.

I'M GOING.
WHAT?

* MAYBE ONE
OF THESE DAYS *

* LOVE MAKES SENSE TO ME

* WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL *

* I COULDN'T TAKE IT
NO MORE *

* THANK GOD,
THANK GOD... *

WHERE DO YOU WORK OUT?

SORRY.

I'M WITH SOMEONE.

* MAYBE

* SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY

* MAYBE

* OH, ONE OF THESE DAYS

* LOVE MAKES SENSE--

[SIREN IN DISTANCE]

[FOOTSTEPS
COMING UPSTAIRS]

HEY.

HEY.

WHY ARE YOU SITTING
IN THE HALL?

AHEM.

WHY'D YOU COME BACK?

YOU'RE UPSET.

NO, NO,
I'M NOT UPSET.

WE SHOULDN'T HAVE
GONE THERE.

NO, NO.

NO. IT WAS GOOD
WE WENT. REALLY.

[SIGHS] YOU DIDN'T NEED
TO COME BACK.

YES, I DID.

CAN WE GO IN AND TALK?

THEY'RE, UH...

THEY'RE STILL GOING AT IT.

OH.

YEAH, SO YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY...

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY
GO HOME.

I CAN'T.

I THINK I LEFT MY KEYS
IN YOUR APARTMENT.

I'LL KNOCK.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Rich:
SHIT. SHIT.

Judy:
WHO'S THAT?

YEAH.
WHO IS IT?

IT'S GABE.

WE'RE NOT FINISHED.

CAN YOU COME TO THE DOOR?
I NEED TO TALK.

YEAH?

SORRY.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

UH, MARK THINKS
HE LEFT HIS KEYS.

JUDY, DO YOU SEE
SOME KEYS?

Judy: WHERE'D YOU
LEAVE THEM?

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE NEAR THE BED.

I DON'T SEE THEM.

MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD
JUST COME IN AND LOOK.

Gabriel: OK.

IT'LL BE FASTER THAT WAY.

[LAUGHS]

NO. YOU'RE NOT
COMING IN.

RICH...

HE CAN'T GO HOME
UNTIL HE FINDS HIS KEYS!

ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU
BETTER BE GONE

BY THE TIME I'M
OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

ALL RIGHT.

HI, GABRIEL.

HI.

CAN YOU HELP US LOOK?

WELL, WHERE WOULD THEY BE?

I'M NOT SURE.

GABRIEL...

DID YOU GUYS JUST MEET
EACH OTHER TONIGHT?

YEAH. CAN WE MAKE THIS
AS FAST AS POSSIBLE?

AND YOU WANT
TO DO EACH OTHER?

YEAH.

GABRIEL, HOW DO YOU KNOW
YOU CAN TRUST THIS GUY?

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW
A THING ABOUT HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL.

I THINK IT'S KIND OF
A TURN-ON, DON'T YOU?

ANONYMOUS SEX--
THAT'S PRETTY HOT.

YEAH, PRETTY HOT.
LET'S JUST LOOK FOR THE KEYS.

THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT ANONYMOUS SEX--

YOU CAN SAY YOU'RE
JUST ABOUT ANYONE,

AND YOUR PARTNER
CAN'T DISAGREE.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE I.D.?

WELL, I DO.

OH, YOU WENT
TO A SOONIE SCHOOL?

WHAT'D YOU MAJOR IN?

JOURNALISM.

WELL, HIS NAME'S
REALLY MARK, GABE.

I--I DON'T SEE THEM.

WHEN YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
ABOUT A PERSON,

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD
TO THINK OF THEM SEXUALLY,

BUT WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEONE
ONLY IN A SEXUAL WAY,

IT'S HARD TO THINK
OF THEM AS A PERSON.

CAN I HAVE
MY WALLET BACK?

I WANT TO BE A SEX
COUNSELOR SOMEDAY.

THAT'S MY DREAM.

GREAT.

YOU KNOW,

PERSONALLY,

AS A SEXUALLY
ACTIVE FEMALE,

I FIND THE IDEA OF
2 MEN GETTING IT ON

INCREDIBLY HOT.

ARE YOU SURE THEY'RE HERE?

NO, I'M NOT SURE.

CAN YOU STAND STILL FOR
A SECOND AND LET ME EXPLAIN?

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--

EVERYONE'S BISEXUAL
TO A DEGREE.

BUT TO A DEGREE,
EVERYONE IS.

THERE'S THIS PART
IN PARIS

WHERE EVERYONE'S BI--
EVERYONE.

THERE'S NO STRAIGHT,
THERE'S NO GAY--

JUST BI,

AND ANYONE
WHO HASN'T BEEN

DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.

IT'S GREAT.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO PARIS, GABRIEL?

NO.

I BET YOU HAVE,
HAVEN'T YOU, MARK?

CAN WE JUST FIND THE KEYS?

OOH, IT HASN'T BEEN

A VERY GOOD NIGHT
FOR SOMEONE.

YOU GUYS DONE YET?

WE'RE LOOKING!

WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET,
GABRIEL?

I'M NOT UPSET.

GABRIEL?

OK, I'M UPSET.

DO YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT?

NO.

WELL,
THAT'S VALID.

MARK?

I'M SORRY.

WE NEVER SHOULD'VE GONE
TO THAT CLUB.

YOU WERE KISSING HIM.

DINO'S THIS GUY
I USED TO DATE,

AND, ACTUALLY,
HE WAS KISSING ME,

BUT, TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE
RIGHT, AND I'M SORRY.

I GUESS--I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T USUALLY GO THERE
WITH ANYBODY.

ESPECIALLY
NOT SOMEBODY I...

I--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
HAPPENING TONIGHT,

AND I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME.

GABRIEL, I THINK
NOW IS A GOOD TIME

FOR YOU TO VERBALIZE
YOUR FEELINGS.

WHY DID YOU JUST LEAVE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU
SAY ANYTHING TO ME?

GABRIEL!

I PAY RENT HERE,
TOO, YOU KNOW!

GABRIEL,

MAYBE MARK DESERVES
TO KNOW WHY YOU LEFT

WITHOUT TELLING HIM.

I LEFT BECAUSE
OF WHAT THE DRAG QUEEN

IN THE BATHROOM TOLD ME.

THERE WAS A DRAG QUEEN
IN THE BATHROOM?

HERE WE GO.
WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID A LOT,

BUT THE GIST OF IT
WAS THAT TONIGHT

WAS JUST A WHOLE
ROUTINE FOR YOU.

WHAT?
TONIGHT.

IT WAS ALL LINES.

"OH, LOOK AT ME.
I'M SLEEPING ON THE SUBWAY."

I WAS TIRED. YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO STARE.

THIS OLD LADY--

I DON'T LIKE BRINGING
GUYS BACK TO MY PLACE.

AND SO WHAT?

I WAS TRYING
TO PICK YOU UP.

WELL, IT WORKED.

WHY IS THAT
SUCH A PROBLEM?

WHY WERE YOU EVEN
LISTENING TO HIM?

I DIDN'T HAVE
MUCH OF A CHOICE.

I SLEPT WITH HIM
ONE TIME.

HE MENTIONED THAT.

DID HE ALSO TELL YOU
HE VIDEOTAPED IT?

OH, SHIT.

YEAH.
WITHOUT TELLING ME.

AND THEN RIGHT WHEN I'M
ABOUT TO, YOU KNOW...

ORGASM?

RIGHT. HE TELLS ME
TO MOVE INTO THE LIGHT,

AND I FIGURED IT OUT,
SO I GRABBED THE TAPE,

AND I GOT THE FUCK
OUT OF THERE.

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY THAT--

ABOUT THE VIDEO--

BUT HE SAID YOU LEFT.

YOU KNOW,

THIS WHOLE NIGHT SHOULD'VE
BEEN OVER HOURS AGO.

IT'S GOTTEN
WAY TOO COMPLICATED.

I JUST KEEP WAITING
FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE
JUST GOING TO DUMP ME

LIKE YOU DUMPED
THAT WHIFFENPOOF.

WHAT THE HELL
IS A WHIFFENPOOF?

A SINGER!

OH.

I MEAN, I FEEL STUPID
SPENDING THIS ENTIRE EVENING

LOOKING FOR A PLACE
JUST TO GET OFF.

OH, IS THAT ALL
WE WERE DOING?

THAT'S ALL I WAS DOING.

REALLY?

DEFINITELY.

YOU KNOW...

I KNOW I PICKED YOU UP
ON THE SUBWAY AND ALL,

SO I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D
BE ANY DIFFERENT THAN...

I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS
SOMETHING MORE

GOING ON TONIGHT.

AND JUST
FOR THE RECORD,

THE WHIFFENPOOF
DUMPED ME.

OH.

JUDY, YOUR SHEET SLIPPED.

AW, SHIT.

COVER YOURSELF.

WOULD YOU LIGHTEN UP?

BUT YOUR TITTIES
ARE HANGING OUT.

YOU KNOW, IN EUROPE,
BREASTS ARE BREASTS.

THEY'RE VERY NATURAL
AND BEAUTIFUL THINGS.

JUST--

WOULD YOU LET ME BE?

PUT THEM AWAY, JUDY.

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYTHING
WOULD'VE HAPPENED.

YOU'RE NOT IN PARIS
ANYMORE.

IS THIS THE WAY
YOU'VE BEEN ACTING

THE PAST 6 MONTHS,
HUH, JUDY?

YES. FOR THE PAST
6 MONTHS,

I'VE BEEN TOURING
FRANCE TOPLESS.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
SOMETHING?

NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE.
GET OVER IT, RICH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JUDY?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
I'M DOING?

CAN'T YOU SEE
I'M GETTING DRESSED?

I'M GOING HOME
TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S

IN CONNECTICUT.

LOOK, HERE'S THE KEYS.

I KNEW YOU WERE DIFFERENT

WHEN I SAW
YOUR HAIRY ARMPITS.

HEY! MARK!

JUDY FOUND YOUR KEYS.

THANKS.

[TRAIN ARRIVES]

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

[DOOR BELL CHIMES]

OH, MY GOD,
IT'S SO HYSTERICAL

THAT YOU GUYS ARE HERE.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?

FRENCH FRIES.

THANK YOU.
THANKS.

YOU KNOW, GABE,
IT'S REALLY GOOD

YOU DIDN'T COME
TO THE SHOW TONIGHT.

WE WERE REALLY OFF.
YOU WANT SOME?

YEAH.

ANYWAY,

THE GIRL PLAYING
JOHN THE BAPTIST--

HORRIBLY ALLERGIC
TO GLADIOLAS--

WHO KNEW?

SO THERE'S A CHANCE I MIGHT
GO ON TOMORROW NIGHT.

DIDN'T WE ORDER
CHEESE FRIES?

OH, YEAH.
SHOULD WE TELL HER?

WE'RE OUT OF THOUSAND ISLAND.
I GAVE YOU RANCH.

OH, WELL.

OH, MY GOD,
I HAVE TO TELL YOU

ABOUT THIS
REALLY ARTSY PARTY

THIS FRENCH-CANADIAN GIRL
IN MY ACTING CLASS THREW.

EVERYONE THERE, THEY WROTE,
LIKE, POEMS OR NOVELLAS.

SO THIS ONE COLLEGE GUY--
HE WAS ASIAN--

HE GETS UP WITH THIS LITTLE
LEATHERETTE PORTFOLIO

WITH A SATIN RIBBON
TO TIE IT SHUT,

AND HE'S GOING
TO READ POETRY.

BUT BEFORE HE STARTS
READING,

HE TELL US ABOUT
HIS FASCINATION

WITH THE HUMAN BODY.

BUT HE SAYS WHAT
FASCINATES HIM EVEN MORE

IS WHAT COMES OUT
OF THE HUMAN BODY.

OH, I KNOW
I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,

BUT I REALLY WISH THESE HAD
CHEESE ON THEM.

ANYWAY, EVIDENTLY,
HE'S TASTED EVERYTHING

THAT'S COME OUT
OF HIS BODY EXCEPT SHIT,

AND HE SAYS HE'LL PROBABLY
TASTE THAT ONE DAY, TOO.

AND THEN HE READS
A POEM ABOUT SHIT,

SO I'M THINKING, THIS GUY
REALLY LIKES SHIT, RIGHT?

BUT THEN HE KEEPS READING,
AND HE READS 17 POEMS--

ALL ABOUT SHIT.

17--I'M NOT KIDDING.

AND HE'S TALKING ABOUT
THE SMELLS AND THE COLORS--

GABE, CAN YOU PASS ME
THE KETCHUP? THANKS.

ANYWAY,
I WAS SO RELIEVED

WHEN HE GOT TIRED
OF READING.

THEN THIS ETHNIC WOMAN
STANDS UP.

SHE WAS, LIKE,
NATIVE AMERICAN OR FILIPINO.

I CAN NEVER REALLY
TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A POEM
TO READ,

SO SHE TELLS US ABOUT
A PROBLEM SHE'S HAVING--

THIS SEX PROBLEM.

SHE SAID THERE'S, LIKE,
SOME FORCE

THAT'S JUST MAKING HER
SCREW AROUND ALL THE TIME.

NOW ALL THESE GUYS
ARE AFTER HER,

AND, I MEAN, SHE'S NOT
WHAT I WOULD CALL SEXY.

WELL, NOT THAT
I'M INTO WOMEN THAT WAY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I CAN TELL
WHEN A WOMAN'S SEXY.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT
SHE WAS A SKANK OR ANYTHING.

SHE JUST WASN'T WHAT I WOULD
CALL SEXY, THAT'S ALL.

SO, ANYWAY--
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY--

I DRANK SO MUCH HOMEMADE
ROSE HIP ICED TEA

THAT I REALLY HAD TO PEE

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF HER STORY, RIGHT?

SO I GET UP,
I GO TO THE BATHROOM,

BUT THE BATHROOM DOOR'S
LOCKED,

SO I'M KIND OF
STANDING THERE.

I'M LOOKING
AT THE WALLPAPER,

WHICH WAS REALLY KIND OF
GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THE TOILET FLUSHES.

THE DOOR OPENS,
AND THE SHIT GUY WALKS OUT,

AND HE'S SMILING.

AND NOT ONE OF THOSE POLITE
ACKNOWLEDGMENT SMILES,

HE'S, LIKE, SMILING,

LIKE HE'S HAPPY
ABOUT SOMETHING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I DIDN'T
HAVE TO PEE ANYMORE.

HOW'S
EVERYTHING?

FINE.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WANT TO HEAR THE AUDITION
MONOLOGUE I'M WORKING ON?

NO, I HAVE KATHERINE--
NEW INTENTIONS.

KA...

YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT.

WHAT?

YOU'VE BEEN--

YOU HAVE BEEN MONOPOLIZING
THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION

SINCE WE GOT HERE.

LOOK, YOU'RE
MY BEST FRIEND.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
BUT RIGHT NOW,

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
YOUR AUDITION MONOLOGUE.

I DIDN'T COME HERE

TO HAVE YOU SIT DOWN,
INVITE YOURSELF OVER,

AND--AND--AND
TALK ABOUT SHIT.

I WAS JUST TALKING.

I KNOW, BUT--

WHY...

WHY ARE YOU BEING
SUCH A JERK

ALL OF A SUDDEN?

YEAH.
SHIT'S FUNNY.

SHIT'S SHIT.

GIVE IT A REST,
YOU NANCY PRISS ASS,

AND LET US ENJOY OURSELVES.

Man: YEAH.

OK.

OK.

I PROMISE
I'LL CALL TOMORROW.

I PROMISE
I'LL SEE YOUR SHOW,

BUT RIGHT NOW,

I NEED TO BE ALONE

WITH MARK.

PLEASE, DON'T
RUIN THIS FOR ME.

GABRIEL, WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO SAY?

GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.

PRACTICE YOUR AUDITION
MONOLOGUE ON THEM--

WHATEVER--
BUT PLEASE JUST GO.

YOU KNOW,

EVERY TIME
THAT YOU INSINUATE

THAT I SHOULD SLEEP
WITH WOMEN,

I FEEL LIKE--

I DIDN'T MEAN
THAT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I--I--I--

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE
TO RESPOND RESPECTFULLY,

BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT YOU TO THINK

THAT I THINK
THAT IT'S WRONG

OR IT'S BAD I DIDN'T
OR IT'S NASTY. MEAN--

BUT YOU BRING IT UP
EVERY 5 MINUTES.

IT'S ANNOYING--THE MOST
ANNOYING THING ABOUT YOU.

DON'T GET UPSET.

I DON'T WANT
TO SLEEP WITH WOMEN!

I'M SORRY, GWEN.
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY.

YOU'RE NOT KAT--
THAT WAY.

THAT'S WHY.

KATHERINE--
YES, I CAN.

I CAN.

THIS MAY BE HARD FOR YOU
TO BELIEVE, GAY BOY,

BUT I AM HETEROSEXUAL.

YES. YES!

THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS
HETEROSEXUALS IN THIS WORLD,

AND I AM ONE OF THEM.

BUT YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME.
YOU WON'T DROP THE SUBJECT.

JUST BECAUSE
IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH,

IT'S OBVIOUS YOU HAVE
LESBIAN ISSUES

YOU'RE TOO AFRAID TO FACE.

I HAVE LESBIAN ISSUES?

I DON'T HAVE LESBIAN
ANYTHING!

GOD, IT'S LIKE
WHEN MY DAD ASKED

WHY I WON'T MOVE
TO NEW JERSEY.

WHAT?

IF I MOVE TO NEW JERSEY,

IT WOULD TAKE ME
AN HOUR AND A HALF

JUST TO GET
TO AN AUDITION.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
MY DAD SAYING,

"I CAN TELL
BY YOUR REACTION

"THERE'S A PART OF YOU
THAT WANTS TO MOVE,

BUT YOU'RE JUST
TOO AFRAID TO FACE IT"?

HOLY WOW.

GOD, DOESN'T
ANYBODY HERE GET IT?

I'M NOT A LESBIAN, I DON'T
WANT TO MOVE TO NEW JERSEY,

AND WHERE'S THE CHEESE ON
THESE GODDAMN FUCKING FRIES?

[CRYING]

UH...

CAN YOU LET ME OUT?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[CRYING]

HEY, PUSS.

I'M SORRY, BABE.

I'M SORRY
THAT I GOT SO MAD.

WELL, I'M SORRY.
IT...

IT'S MY FAULT.

MAYBE I AM A DYKE.
I DON'T KNOW.

IT'D BE A WHOLE LOT
EASIER TO GET A DATE.

COME HERE.

OH, GOD.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE
STRAIGHT?

YOU DON'T LIKE
ANY STRAIGHT MEN.

I DON'T KNOW
ANY STRAIGHT MEN.

[LAUGHS]

KATH,
ARE YOU OK?

OH, YEAH, I'M FINE.

YOU OWE ME $4.00
FOR THE FRENCH FRIES.

WE'RE GOING BACK
TO MY PLACE

TO WATCH A VIDEO
OF TONIGHT'S SHOW.

DO YOU WANT TO GO?

SURE. ONE SECOND.

AHH.

WELL, YOU BETTER
GET BACK INSIDE.

YEAH.

AND I'M GOING TO PUT
YOUR NAME ON THE COMP LIST.

OK.

UM...

I'LL BE THERE.

YOU BETTER,
MOTHERFUCKER.

OHH...

TONIGHT'S BEEN A MESS.

YEAH.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
SOME OF THE MESS...

I MEAN, I DID HAVE
A GOOD TIME TONIGHT...

EVEN THOUGH,
YOU GOT TO ADMIT,

IT WAS REALLY A MESS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

YOU KNOW, I WOULD'VE
INVITED YOU

BACK TO MY PLACE, BUT--

AW, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

NO. I WOULD HAVE, BUT...

THE LADY
I TOLD YOU ABOUT...

YEAH?

SHE'S MY MOTHER.

I LIVE AT HOME.

[BOTH LAUGH]

THANK YOU.

I HAVE TO PEE.

ME, TOO.

[BOTH URINATING]

WE'RE ALONE.

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, FINALLY.

* ENTER YOU

* VOILà,
IT'S SHOWTIME *

* I HEAR THE MUSIC
OF A... *

* DANCE
AND A DUM-DIDDY *

* ENTER YOU

YOU'RE SINGING IT WRONG.

WHAT?

DON'T SING IT.

IT'S A GOOD SONG.

SHUT UP.

WELL, IT IS.

YOU'RE BEING POLITE.
SHUT UP.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

YEAH.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

* ENTER YOU

THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

YOU HAVE TO TEACH ME
THE REST.

I NEED A PIANO.

WE'VE ALREADY
ESTABLISHED THAT.

[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S GOOD
HOW THIS TURNED OUT.

YOU DO?

YEAH. WE GOT
THE HARD PART OVER WITH.

WHAT ABOUT THE SEX?

WHAT KIND OF A GIRL
DO YOU THINK I AM?

[BLOWS HORN]

[INAUDIBLE]

[LINE RINGING]

Machine:
HEY, THIS IS MARK.

YOU GOT ME.

LEAVE A MESSAGE.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[SIGHS]

* ENTER YOU

* VOILà, IT'S SHOWTIME *

* YOU BROUGHT
THE HOUSE DOWN *

* WITH A DANCE
AND A DUM-DIDDY *

* ENTER YOU

* IN LESS THAN NO TIME

* THIS UGLY DRAMA

* HAS BECOME

* PRETTY

Chorus:
* UP WENT THE CURTAIN

* MY LINES FELT WRONG

* INTERMISSION
SEEMED SO FAR AWAY *

* APPLAUSE UNCERTAIN

* THE SCENES TOO LONG

* LIFE WAS LIKE
AN UNINSPIRING PLAY *

* BUT NOW YOU'RE HERE

* WE MEET STAGE CENTER

* I THOUGHT MY STORY LINE
WAS THROUGH *

* THEN FROM THE BLUE

* ENTER

* YOU

* AH

* I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D FIND SOMEONE *

* LIKE YOU

* THOUGH
IN MY EVERY FANTASY *

* I SAW YOU EVERY DAY

* I THOUGHT
THERE WAS NO WAY *

* TO MAKE MY DREAM
COME TRUE *

* I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD BE ALONE *

* AFRAID TO DREAM
THAT ANYONE *

* WAS EVER GOING TO SEE

* THE LOVE INSIDE OF ME

* BUT HOW COULD I
HAVE KNOWN *

* A TRICK OF FATE

* WOULD BRING US TOGETHER?

* A TRICK OF FATE

* WOULD ALTER OUR LIVES

* WE HAD TO WAIT

* IT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER

* BUT NEVER SAY NEVER

* TO A TRICK OF FATE

* WHAT WERE THE CHANCES

* I'D BE HERE WITH YOU?

* THAT AFTER
ALL THE LONELY YEARS *

* OF SEARCHING EVERYWHERE

* I'D TURN,
AND YOU'D BE THERE? *

* FROM CLEAR
OUT OF THE BLUE *

* OUR LIVES
ARE IN THE HANDS *

* OF DESTINY

* AND THOUGH
WE TRY TO TAKE CONTROL *

* THAT'S NOT THE WAY
IT GOES *

* A HIGHER POWER KNOWS

* HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

* A TRICK OF FATE

* BROUGHT US TOGETHER

* A TRICK OF FATE

* ALTERED OUR LIVES

* WE HAD TO WAIT

* IT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER

* BUT NEVER SAY NEVER

* TO A TRICK OF FATE

* AND NOW

* SOMETHING HAS BEGUN

* SOMETHING VERY NEW

* AND SUDDENLY

* THE FUTURE'S
LOOKING BRIGHT *

* SOMEHOW

* WHEN 2 HEARTS
BEAT AS ONE *

* FAIRY TALES COME TRUE

* AND ANYTHING SEEMS
POSSIBLE TONIGHT *

* A TRICK OF FATE

* BROUGHT US TOGETHER

* A TRICK OF FATE

* ALTERED OUR LIVES

* WE HAD TO WAIT

* IT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER

* BUT NEVER SAY NEVER

* TO A TRICK OF FATE

* OH

* IT JUST GOES TO SHOW

* THAT YOU NEVER KNOW

* WHERE LOVE'S GONNA GROW

* IT'S A TRICK OF

* FATE

* OH

* MMM