Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001) - full transcript
Third Tremors movie takes us back to the small Nevada town of Perfection where local resident and adventurer Burt Grummer returns after traveling abroad and killing carnivorous worms called "Graboids" (introduced in the first movie) and their offspring "Shriekers" (introduced in the second movie) to life in his home town and must deal with some crooked land developers, a thrill-seeking guy named Jack Sawyer looking for wealth in this potential tourist town, and eventually dealing with a new strain of Graboid worms that metamorph into their second Shrieker phase, and whom unexpectedly morph into their third stage for another harrowing battle against Burt and Jack in the desert surrounding the town.
Is that the new guy?
Si mi amiga.
We are completamente seguros here...
...because I've selected
my position carefully.
First rule of engagement:
Know your enemy.
Second rule: Know where to engage him.
You've kept your engines running.
I want maximum heat emissions...
...from these coordinates.
Mucho caliente. Comprende?
The time, 5:00.
The place, seven klicks south of El Chaco.
The situation:
A single graboid reported
in the area two weeks ago.
Only the third appearance of these underground
carnivores in the last 11 years.
Unfortunately, lack of action
on the part of local authorities...
...has allowed the creature
to metamorphose...
...into the second stage of its life cycle,
producing six shriekers...
...a voracious, hermaphroditic life-form...
...which can double in number every
few minutes by eating sufficient food.
In this case, chickens.
Ay, Dios mio!
A truckload of chickens.
Infrared monitoring
now indicates the shrieker herd...
...moving across the pampas toward us...
...closing at less than 300 meters.
290. 280.
I've managed to lead the shrieker herd
away from civilian population.
My tactical approach is
utilize various maneuvers...
...demonstrated
by Sitting Bull at Little Bighorn...
...and Field Marshal Rommel during
the North Africa campaign.
The idea being to set up a proper kill zone.
I should take this opportunity
to point out their zero tactical skills.
Lacking eyes or ears,
they can sense only heat and....
Patience, mi amigo.
Nothing to worry about...
...because for once I have
the proper tool at hand.
Looking for a little heat?
Any questions?
Burt, welcome home.
We saw you on CNN
shooting that cannon thing.
Dual .50 antiaircraft turret mount.
Good to see you, Miguel.
What the hell is that?
Some real estate guys out of Reno.
They want to cut up the valley into parcels.
- That'll be a cold day in hell.
- That's what I told them.
Burt, while you were gone...
...there was this conga line
of cement trucks going up to your place.
What are you building up there?
I installed an underground
graboid barrier, my own design.
Big cement box,
two-feet thick, steel reinforced...
...completely surrounding my compound...
...sides and bottom.
Now I can sleep nights.
Come on, Burt. What's it been, 11 years?
No reason to lower your guard.
Burt, welcome home.
Put in a bar code reader?
Jodi, they can use that
to build a profile on all my purchases.
Burt, welcome home.
Yeah, welcome.
Next they'll want a sample of my DNA.
How have you been?
I guess I'm getting by.
Getting by? You're doing better
than your uncle ever did.
In retail, if you're not three steps
ahead, you're one step behind.
- You want your mail?
- Yeah, I guess.
Perfection Valley Ranchettes.
They've been making offers to all of us.
Shall I file it for you?
- Cool watch.
- Gift from the gauchos.
It continuously updates
its time to the nanosecond...
...by connecting directly
to the cesium clock in Colorado...
...via ultrasonic frequency.
Well above our normal range of hearing,
but it'll give a dog fits.
Right. So, were you able to
get me graboid or shrieker parts:
Beaks, tentacles, claws?
Aren't you overdoing all this a little?
Burt, this stuff is our claim to fame.
China has pandas. Australia has koalas.
And we've got these...
...even if they are extinct here.
Are you trying to turn the valley
into a theme park?
It worked for your friends, Earl and Grady.
I'm just fighting for my piece
of the leisure dollar. But this...
...this is your theme park kind of guy.
'Desert Jack's Graboid Adventure,'
who the hell is this yahoo?
He moved in while you were gone,
started this business...
...taking people out on graboid safaris.
I don't believe this.
Believe it, ladies and gentlemen.
This is no theme park simulation here.
You are in the heart of graboid country.
These savage subterrestrials...
...these death-dealing denizens of dirt...
...first appeared about 11 years ago.
Yeah, you keep your eyes peeled,
your mind and body centered.
These things can jump up at any moment.
What the--
Just a jackrabbit, folks. Just a jackrabbit.
Breathe and release. There you go.
These suckers, I've seen one jump...
...clear 50 feet out of the ground,
like a volcano.
Swallowed a semi-truck whole.
Now that's what I call roadkill.
I tell you, yes, friends,
this whole area is a major feeding ground.
Just over that ridge there
is where a simple shepherd...
...named Old Fred lost his herd of sheep.
Yeah, and everything else
from the neck down.
Now as I said,
we're in the heart of graboid country.
Right in the heart of it.
Whoa!
Looks like we have company, folks.
Man. Is that a graboid?
Yeah, looks like it. Get back, son,
you're going to lose a limb now.
Oh, God!
- It's flooded!
- Calm down, lady!
Has it spotted us yet?
I don't know. I can't tell.
But it's bigger than I've ever seen.
Look!
Oh, God!
- Here it comes!
- Take control of yourself, don't panic.
Keep going. Come on. Moving in!
Well, we'd better get the hell out of Dodge!
Come on now.
We got it. It's called divine intervention.
Just stick with Jack,
you're going to make it back.
That's one.
I think he picked up our scent.
- Thought they only hunt by sound.
- That's what I meant, sound.
Four!
All right, baby. Been waiting for you.
Come to Daddy.
Come on now, hop on this here rock.
Here you go. Here you go.
Give me your hand, darling. Come on.
All right.
Hang on to your hat now.
Here's the rest of us.
We got everybody now?
Let's see here, one, two, three, four, five.
That's good. Well, I think
we just best wait it out a spell.
How long do you think it will be?
Well, ma'am, time is the eternal river.
I suggest we not swim upstream.
Damn, it's hot out here.
Anybody up for an ice-cold beer?
I got $3 a bottle domestic, $4.50 imported.
Also, might I recommend
my fresh fruit juices?
Monster Mango. Graboid Grape.
For a buck extra,
you can keep the souvenir glass.
Glows in the dark. Look at that.
Please enter access code...
...or Level 1 security program
will be activated in ten seconds.
Nine seconds,
eight seconds, seven seconds...
...six seconds, five seconds.
Thank you for your business.
I'd say we got pretty lucky out there today.
- Absolutely.
- All we saw was dust.
That's all you want to see, believe me, son.
Stay on the blacktop now
till you're clear out of the valley.
Tell your friends about us.
Got to restock the cooler here.
By the way, you didn't pay me
for that bag of ice this morning.
Well, you know,
I thought it was complimentary ice.
I'm in business here, Jack.
So am I. I've been thinking you ought
to sell me my refreshments at wholesale.
- Because?
- It's a part of our symbiotic relationship.
Symbiotic relationship.
That's a good one, Jack.
You see, Jodi, all things are related.
My business brings business
to your business.
Probably like an increase of about,
approximately around...
...50%.
Actually...
...22%, with questionable sustainability.
Questionable sustainability?
Do you have a business plan?
I try not to plan too much.
I trust in the ebb and flow of the universe.
You have to plan to be a viable entity
in today's economic landscape.
See, me, I'm in phase three
of establishing my product identity.
You know, L.L. Bean, 'canoey,' outdoorsy.
Land's End, 'golf clubby,' 'sailboaty.'
I see. I see. Chang's Market.
Is that, you know, that, kind of 'deserty,'
'underground monstery'?
Exactly.
All righty.
Sure hope nothing stops you
from becoming a viable entity...
...because I hate when that happens.
I'm billing you for that complimentary ice.
You know, I really like this clay.
It doesn't crack in the kiln,
but it is so expensive.
I can get 10% off if you order 200 pounds.
Yeah, I can't even afford that.
- Hi, Jodi.
- Hey, Mindy.
Can you give these to Jack
when he comes in?
Sure. Throw them on the table.
Thanks.
Mindy, I think Jack was
expecting you to sew those pants...
...not just stick tape on them.
Mom, tape is a total statement.
People like Jack and I understand that.
I was into safety pins, myself.
- Hey, Burt.
- Hey, Mindy.
I thought you were off at school.
Mom didn't tell you?
I had to drop out.
We couldn't afford the tuition.
So, I'm back working
at the Arby's down in Bixby...
...and trying to survive my mother.
Well, I hope things work out.
Thanks.
Beer is inside.
There you go. Watch your step.
Gummer?
Is that you?
It is, isn't it?
Damn!
Real pleasure to meet you, sir.
Jack Sawyer.
I've started up this little tour business.
Kind of an homage to you guys.
I would be honored
if you would consider being a part of it.
Sign a few autographs...
...maybe a little weapons demonstration.
Mom, take a picture of me
with the tremor.
Cute idea.
They're called graboids.
Come on over here, folks.
Look who I've got for you. Come on down!
The legendary Mr. Burt Gummer himself.
Mom, it's the gun guy.
It is.
Here, Milton.
Stand right here, up straight.
You don't mind, do you?
Straight, honey. Nice and tall. Taller!
Say 'graboids.'
- Graboids.
- Oh, great.
Thank you so much, Mr. Goober.
You had that look on your face.
What was that about?
Don't start, Mom.
They're out of their gourd right now.
My inner voice has been telling me...
...you and I are destined to work together.
What do you think?
If I had an inner voice
it'd be telling me to tell you to get lost.
Well, you know, take your time.
You just think about it
and get back to me now.
He'll come around.
Buford! Get your head out of your pants.
Just looking at the scenery.
Drooling on yourself.
Go set up for the next group.
You don't have to be so mean.
Boy, you're about as sharp
as a bowling ball.
Yeah, tough guy.
Hi, Mindy.
That skull was ripped wide open, boy.
Eyeballs popping out. Ugly!
Now as I said,
you're in the heart of graboid country.
Yeah, you're right in the heart of it.
Let me tell you something, boys...
...you're right in the frigging heart of it!
- Honey, did you see that?
- Sweet Jesus! Look!
Having a little engine trouble, folks.
Stay calm. Stay calm.
- Where is it?
- Stick with Jack, you'll make it back.
- Hold on to your hats.
- Help, help, graboid attack.
This is what you guys do all day?
I mean, no offense, Buford,
but it's like tragically lame.
This is a good living.
Compared to what I was doing before.
Which was?
Well, I was...
...shoveling roadkill for the county.
Okay, I get you, but...
...why is Jack wasting his time...
...scamming yahoos
with this Scooby-Doo routine?
I bet there are a zillion better things
a guy like that could do.
I bet he's nursing a broken heart.
Or something totally tragic.
I bet he's just dying
to talk to somebody who understands him.
All right, we got everybody now?
Damn, it's hot out here.
Anybody up for an ice-cold beer?
You know, I couldn't help but notice
that you're getting...
...awfully red out here in the sun.
Do you really have to keep doing that?
When is this tour going to be over,
anyway?
You don't enjoy my company, huh?
A man could take offense at that.
What's that?
Freeze!
Is he all right?
Come on, give me your hand!
This thing is not even real!
- Everybody, shut up!
- Listen to her!
- Who's that other guy?
- Shut the hell up!
Jack's jeep can outrun it,
but we need a diversion.
Some noise! Everybody, grab something.
- Like what?
- Like anything.
We're going to throw stuff out that way...
...then we're going to pile in the Jeep
and haul ass.
Got it? Okay. On three.
One, two, three! Okay!
Where's my camera?
You threw away my brand-new camera?
This time we're ready for you.
This shipment of graboids
has four tentacles instead of three.
They look ridiculous.
Nobody is going to buy them.
- What the hell is that?
- It's Burt's siren.
The graboid ladder?
It can't be real, Nancy.
He wouldn't blow the siren
unless it was for real.
I hope Mindy's okay.
Hope she doesn't do something stupid.
I'm not paying for them!
If you ask me, there's something
very amateurish about this operation.
You take people into a life-or-death
situation, and you don't have a real gun?
Are you even licensed to do this?
You wanted to see a graboid,
you saw a graboid.
I advise you to hit the highway
and don't stop till you reach Seattle.
I expect you to pay for that camera!
Mindy, thank God!
What's going on?
Mom, they're back.
We just made it out.
Graboids? Live ones?
Burt, we found one.
Son of a bitch killed Buford.
I mean, boom and he was gone.
The thing is like the size of a whale.
Yep, I've seen them.
Burt, is it okay?
Can we come down?
Come on down. They're not close.
You check the seismo-monitor I gave you?
It's not working very well.
I think the batteries are dead or something.
Come on, Burt. It's been, what, 11 years?
Burt here. Talk to me.
Burt, was that siren noise for real?
Affirmative.
No me chingas.
- You on your roof?
- Damn right, I am.
Check your seismo-monitor?
Any graboid activity near your ranch?
Burt, that aerial thing, it got bent, man.
I've been meaning to fix it.
Well, now it's all hands on deck, Miguel.
So, I suggest you bug out asap,
maintain a steady speed on your truck...
...and report to HQ at Chang's,
you copy that?
- Good news, there are only three.
- How do you know that?
A few years ago, I put a geophone
monitoring system around the valley.
Data transmits to my laptop,
gets triangulated.
It's all based
on Rhonda LeBeck's geological research.
- I sell all her books.
- The comics were better.
Totally.
They're moving slowly
down from the north, just like last time...
...from Jasmer quadrangle,
straight down the valley...
- ...into Calypso quadrangle.
- Huh?
- I think he means Cactus Flats.
- Why can't he just say it?
So, what do we do?
Your little jungle boat ride is over, mister.
- Time to fish or cut bait.
- So what do we do?
Burt, excuse me,
but we're not cut off this time.
We don't have to act like militia nitwits.
We'll call for help.
Nancy, since no one has bothered
to maintain their seismic equipment...
...we don't know how long
they've been active...
...and therefore have no idea
when they may become shriekers.
We can't wait for the authorities.
We are the authorities.
What do we do?
We hunt them down.
We wipe them out.
We can go at dawn.
These are perfect.
- How many do you have in stock?
- Eleven.
Need to requisition all of them.
Requisition. Am I getting reimbursed?
- Not today.
- How does it work?
Killing them with a toy truck?
- Graboids hunt by sensing--
- Sound. I know.
A graboid hears a toy truck,
goes after it just like a cat to catnip.
- It's in the comic books.
- When he swallows detonate the explosive.
Boom! End of worm.
Explosive.
Where are we going to get the explosive?
This, not being an officially
sanctioned event...
...I've provided something
of my own design.
Don't worry about Burt.
He knows what he's doing.
It's like his thing. Put these on my tab.
- Mount up and move out.
- You don't have a tab!
Jack, I'm going with you.
No, you're not.
Yes, sir?
Good morning. Mr. Gummer?
'Morning.
Agent Frank Statler.
- My cousin, he went back to Mexico.
- I've filed for my business license.
The right to bear arms
shall not be infringed.
Department of the lnterior.
This gentleman is Field Agent Rusk
of the BLM...
...and Dr. Andrew Merliss,
Director of Paleontology at Smithsonian.
We don't have time to chat.
We've got work to do.
Not if it's hunting graboids, you don't.
I called them, Burt.
I was granted authority
to insure adherence to Section 1472-B...
...of the Endangered Species Act...
...which guards the welfare
of large-class desert reptilians.
I'm enforcing an immediate ban
on hunting of graboids in Perfection Valley.
Those are my cattle out there, pendejo.
The BLM man gave permission
to kill anything dangerous to my cattle.
El lobo, el coyote and el graboid.
Your BLM man reports to him,
who reports to me...
...and I'm here to tell you
there will be no more killing of graboids.
So, we let them live,
and we become the endangered species.
You have been instrumental
in the eradication of the oldest...
...rarest species on earth.
Not once, but on three separate occasions,
on two continents.
Defending lives and property,
a guest of two foreign governments.
- Are you even aware of the public outcry?
- Public? Not this public.
Our mandate is simple:
To investigate, trap and transport
at least one creature for study.
Trap and transport?
When you find out that's impossible,
we'll be overcome with shriekers.
lf we discover
there is a threat to public safety...
...we're prepared to evacuate
Perfection Valley and seal it off.
Wait a minute! You'd make us leave?
That's not why I called you.
I called you here to help us.
The government will offer compensation
for your property. That's a given.
Eminent domain.
And people call me paranoid.
I don't think you're paranoid.
I do, but not no more.
Son of a bitch!
'Call me Ishmael.'
Now if you would kindly
lean your endangered carcass...
...over my property line.
I'll call your untimely demise self-defense.
Damn stupid graboids.
Can't afford to get eminent domain out.
Every cent I have is tied to this business.
Well, at least you got a business.
Body language says it all.
Does it say I could use a cold beer?
- What will it be?
- Miller Lite.
Yeah, we still don't have cell towers.
You can use the pay phone.
Outside it's CBs and walkie-talkies only.
Charming.
You guys weren't serious
about making us move out, were you?
Unless we can catch one of them,
we may have no choice.
It kind of seems like a small operation.
I mean, to catch one whole graboid.
We don't have much of a budget.
It's not a high priority in Washington.
But if you did catch one...
...I mean, you boys would
go home heroes, right?
Look good on a resume.
And your point would be?
The one guy who knows
about these things...
...the one guy who could help out...
...is warming up the bench
because you took him out of the game.
I didn't take him out of the game.
May I remind you, Jack,
they are not your friends?
They are government agents. Over.
Cut me some slack.
All I did was negotiate.
- You did what?
- I cut us a deal.
We help catch one live graboid,
they give you back your hunting license.
- Copy that. Roger. One question.
- Shoot.
Is your head up your ass for the warmth?
We thought you'd be happy.
- You want to get eminent domained out?
- Catch a live graboid?
It's hard enough to kill one
without saturation bombing.
I told them, Burt Gummer,
he'd come up with something.
The bastards are smart,
and they'll get smarter.
You're still here, aren't you?
I'd say you're up to it.
So, Mr. Gummer, what do you think?
Fish or cut bait.
You...
...say you have some sort of tranquilizer.
Yeah, we're using tranq darts.
We got them to chase us,
but couldn't get these to penetrate dirt.
I'm ordering titanium tips
and a more powerful launch gun.
Of course, you could squander
the taxpayers' money...
...but I can get a graboid to swallow this...
...with this, for $49.95.
Then, if it goes to sleep, you can dig it up...
...take it back to Area 51...
...or whatever fits
your plausible deniability.
I don't understand what you just said,
but do we have a deal?
Because we want to know
what we should do.
You guys do what you do best.
Find something simple and complicate it.
It's good he expresses himself.
Repressed emotions can be real toxic.
He needs counseling.
- Get in!
- Huh?
You got me into this.
All right!
Use the door!
It's unbelievable!
Frank, Charlie. It's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
I was doing cores...
...out where they recorded
the earliest graboid movements.
Voila!
I hit this on my third dig.
It's an egg.
I've proven they come from eggs.
I've already carbon-dated it.
The yolk remains are current...
...but the shell is over 300 years old.
- Graboids must have come from these.
- They lay dormant for 300 years?
It appears so. I need to use your phone.
I must call the museum.
I'll give you $50 for that.
It's going straight to the Smithsonian.
All right, all right. $100.
Somebody getting married?
First, we make enough noise
to lure one in close.
Then, we use
the remote-controlled truck as bait.
Damn feds. I told them to butt out.
No, I think that's somebody else.
Well, Burt. Long time no see.
Looking good. Hard core as ever.
- Melvin?
- It's Mel, actually.
How come you never answer our letters,
and I got to drive all the way out here?
Perfection Valley Ranchettes. That's you?
You said I'd never amount to anything.
Look, Burt, we're making
some really good deals here.
Between you and me,
because we're friends...
...you'll get twice
what we're offering the others.
What the hell are you doing?
You grew up here.
Exactly. I wouldn't wish
this place on anybody.
So, come on, Burt. What do you say?
I'd say, I'll give you
a ten-second head start.
People are folding, Burt,
and I got this whole county in my pocket.
You can't hold out forever.
I was born to hold out.
Burt, is this bad? It looks kind of bad here.
Is this bad? It's....
Graboid. One of them spotted us.
Freeze. Everybody, quiet.
- A graboid?
- Quiet!
Are you kidding?
For real?
Burt! Burt, hang on!
Hey, Burt, hang on. I'll get a rope.
Yeah.
Houston, we have a problem.
- Burt?
- Affirmative.
Are you okay?
Not much time.
Only got limited air. What's my 20?
Hold on. Hold on.
Well, you're about a quarter mile
west-- No, better make that east of me.
Couple of miles from my place,
engage the graboid.
What?
Drive like hell, and lead the bastard
through my front gate. Copy?
Yeah, I copy, but....
Out of air. Burt out.
Burt! Burt, what do I do when I get there?
What do I do? Burt! Burt!
Come on, graboid.
Come on, baby, come on!
Come on, baby.
We are running with the graboid.
Holy shit!
Head-on collision.
Burt! Burt, are you down there?
Hang on. I'll be right there.
Hold on, buddy! Hang on, buddy!
Just breathe!
Come on, baby!
Hang on, buddy!
Hang on!
Jack! That Melvin guy
said you got attacked!
What the hell are you doing?
I'd prefer...
...we keep this...
...to ourselves.
You guys definitely need to be supervised.
Burt here. You read me?
Come back.
Come back. Burt here. Come back!
Is that a graboid?
Yeah, but we should be
seeing two of them.
Have either of you
heard from the feds?
- I can't raise them.
- Not since this morning.
I guess they've gone out of radio range.
They were chasing a graboid.
They were chasing it?
It wasn't chasing them? I don't like that.
So, maybe they scared it.
Jesus, what is that?
Dr. Merliss, what happened?
We found the graboid.
On the surface.
- It was--
- Hollow. Split open.
Yeah, split open. Split open.
When we examined it...
...the sound.
I heard this screaming.
And then they were all around us.
So fast!
Rusk and Statler...
...torn to pieces!
I hid in my van,
but they were ripping it apart.
I remembered something.
Don't let them see body heat.
I sprayed myself.
It's cold. It's so cold.
- That was good. That was good thinking.
- No.
Not entirely effective, I'm afraid.
Mi madre!
- Nancy, Mindy. Come back.
- Yes, Burt. We're on Chang's roof.
- Is the graboid still around?
- We've got a bigger problem now.
- Squealers?
- No, screechers.
Shriekers.
The government team is all dead.
- My God.
- These SOBs don't hunt by sound.
They see heat
with sensor organs on their heads.
You've got to hide
your body heat somehow. Copy.
Hide our body heat?
Burt, we copy.
Can't track shriekers with geophones...
...so I'm rigged to download
infrared satellite images.
When shriekers first emerge,
there are only six of them.
If we can kill them before they find food
and multiply, we have a chance.
Okay, here we go.
Preston Dry Lake. Jeep trail.
There we are. Those are our cars, right?
Reading the engine heat.
- Bingo. We have a visual.
- Two, four. There are seven of them.
You mean, they're already
making more of themselves?
Yeah, they munched on Statler and Rusk.
We better get moving.
I totally hate my life.
Damn, I still don't see them.
- How do you focus these things?
- Here, try these.
- Better get that satellite thing again.
- We got you covered.
- That's it, right there.
- There's eight of them.
- What are they eating?
Coyotes, lizards, snakes. They don't care.
This is really serious.
I keep trying to tell you people!
How far are your cattle?
- If they get to your herd, we're in trouble.
- Burt, look.
Look there. They're going into
that box canyon over there.
There's only one way out of there.
- If we get there before--
- I'm with you.
We just roll in and mop
those little devils up.
Graboids!
- Go! Go!
- Come on! Come on!
Miguel! Where the hell....
Es blanco.
Holy shit.
I've never seen a live one.
Holy shit!
What do we do now?
Radio Nancy and Mindy
to call for some kind of help.
Damn thing tried to eat my Jeep.
What the hell is it thinking?
The engine. He went for the noise.
Haven't you read the graboid comics?
It's all in there.
Freaking slug. I owe money on that thing.
- Jack, you got your walkie?
- It's in my Jeep.
Where's yours?
On my hood.
Well, I guess we just wait.
Darn! Man!
Are you worried that
the shriekers might get out...
...and go eat Miguel's cattle,
and, I don't know, the rest of Nevada?
Absolutely. But I do not dwell on that
over which I have no control.
That's great. I have to do all the dwelling.
If you choose to.
You know what I've found?
Most people prefer
your dramatic cumulus and nimbus clouds.
But I've always had
a weakness for a cirrus.
Yeah. Wispy, and way up there, you know?
I wouldn't know.
- Well, don't you ever look up?
- I'm busy.
Too busy to look up?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
I'm working for myself here.
All right? I could have
stayed in San Francisco...
...parlayed my MBA into
a six-figure income. But, hey.
I'm busting my ass
eking a living out here...
- ...to build something for myself.
- I know it's not easy.
But I just think you can
enjoy yourself while you eke.
Who says I'm not enjoying myself?
You know, I don't have
to justify myself to you.
Foodmall?
You said you bought
all your supplies from me!
I don't recall signing
any purchasing agreement.
It was a verbal commitment.
It was understood, okay?
In exchange for tying up
my telephone lines and my computer.
You're getting free overhead, pal.
And, for your information,
I do enjoy myself.
I do.
Well, one bit of good news.
The shriekers are still in the canyon.
Got to be the same one
I saw outside my house.
Albino, I think.
We used to have a female goat like that.
No kids.
- Impossible.
- Sterile?
Maybe that's why El Blanco
hasn't turned into Los Shriekers.
Son of a--
5:00, on the dot.
Be sunrise soon.
In 37 minutes, 32 seconds.
- Hey, Burt. Heads up!
- What?
Why, you....
He follows you, Burt.
I think he's got a thing for you.
If I could reach my
Grizzly .50-caliber, I'd have a thing for him.
Is that them?
It must be!
But I've never heard them
make a noise like that before.
Like coyotes...
...with their kill.
They're still in the canyon.
Can't afford to wait.
I've got to get to my radio.
Wait, Burt! Try this.
I saw it on a repeat of MacGyver.
Dental floss! I always carry it.
There. There, there.
Yeah. Come on. Come on!
- There, you got it.
- Yes!
Nancy! Mindy! Burt here. Come back!
What's up?
We're pinned down by...
...this great white graboid,
and we need an assist.
I want you to make
one hell of a racket over the radio. Copy?
You want noise, Burt? I copy that.
- Honey, what's going on?
- Burt just phoned in a request.
He's going for it.
Here we go. One more.
- It's coming back!
- Yep.
He's taken the bait.
Jodi, Jack, let's move it.
- This is yours: .308, four shots in the mag.
- I don't know--
It won't bite you. Jack, grab your
Weatherby and let's do this.
- My 'Weather' what?
- Your rifle. ln your gun rack?
The gun is not real.
Borrowed it off some movie guy.
Here. You do know which end
the bullets come out of?
- I've seen movies.
- Here. You look cold.
Now, let's go bag our limit of shriekers.
Come on!
Has to be right around that bend.
- What the--
- Jeez, what are they doing?
I do not know.
- Let's tenderize them a little.
- I remember these babies.
Cover!
Holy shit! He doesn't fool around.
Burt is very committed.
Come on, come on! Let's hit them!
Check it out!
Vaporized them!
I mean, there's nothing left.
No, no. We should see remains.
They wouldn't just disintegrate!
- How do you know?
- I've blown them up before!
It looks like they shed
some kind of husk or skin, like a snake.
I don't like that.
Maybe they went back underground.
Let's just go find my truck.
Burt! I really liked that truck.
Man. That has to hurt.
It was new, wasn't it?
At least it died for a good reason.
And my Grizzly Big Bore. My sidearms.
My ammo.
Something moved,
over behind the fence.
It's a shrieker?
Not no more, it's not.
In Mexico and Argentina,
we killed them before they lived 12 hours.
This is what happens when you don't?
- They just keep mutating like a virus?
- I have no idea!
Hey, look. That son of a gun
has the same heat sensor.
Tracking us.
It's not smart to track Burt.
What's it doing now?
What the....
Point, shoot! Come on!
Point, shoot!
No!
Oh, my God.
- I shouldn't have taken that shot.
- Should have shot sooner!
How could you know it was going
to take off like a goddamn rocket?
Jack, give me your walkie.
Nancy, Mindy? Burt here. Come back.
Yeah, Burt. We're here.
Nancy, listen. They....
They killed Miguel. He's gone.
Oh, my God, no.
What, Miguel? No!
Nancy? Jodi here.
The shriekers can fly now.
So, get off the roof.
You're not safe up there anymore. Copy?
Hurry! Help!
Lock it! Lock it.
It's coming back!
- What are you doing?
- They can only see heat!
I'm not dumb, you know!
Come on, into the meat locker!
Honey, I never thought you were dumb.
An egg. Graboid egg.
So it's a graboid, to a shrieker,
to one of these here new things...
...and finally back to a graboid.
It would make sense, biologically.
I guess they developed the ability to fly...
...so they can carry the eggs
as far as possible.
Well, look at that. Look at that
right there. Reacts with the air.
Smells like a bad night of beans.
Some high-octane
stomach acid he has there.
Extremely reactive.
Almost like pure sodium.
Whatever it is, they work it
up there in their ass, see--
- Excuse me?
- No, no. That's how they blast off.
Always something new with these things.
No, forget it, you're both empty.
- Empty?
- Already?
You fired ten, she fired four.
I'm empty, too.
That's just great. Great.
My place is three miles away.
We have to try to make it.
With these honkers doing aerial recon?
We have to conceal
our body heat somehow.
All right, it....
I can make a dumb suggestion.
No! All I'm saying is,
we discovered them, right?
So, we should name them. Let me think.
Okay. 'Blast-Offers.'
Or 'Butt-Launchers.' That's better?
'Ass-Blasters!' How's that?
Sounds like a porno film.
Listen!
Get down! Get down!
He didn't see us! We're okay.
- Lunch date?
- Damn! El Blanco.
- I'm sorry?
- White graboid.
- He's moving towards us.
- Can't we get a break here?
Come on, come on. This way.
Beneath this ridge is
a solid granite intrusion.
We'll follow it,
but El Blanco will have to go around.
- Granite intrusion?
- I memorized the valley's geology.
Oh, yeah.
I been meaning to do that.
Give me your weapons
and make yourselves at home.
I'll see if Nancy and Mindy got through
to the Air National Guard.
Lots of choices.
Nancy, Mindy. Burt here. Come back.
Burt calling Nancy and Mindy. Copy?
You know those supplies I bought?
How about I let you have them at cost?
Feeling guilty?
- Nancy, Mindy. Come back.
- Yeah.
But mostly I'm going to need
traveling money.
Burt calling Nancy and Mindy.
Copy?
You copy?
Burt here. Come back. Nancy? Mindy?
- Nancy? Mindy? Talk to me.
- So, you'll be leaving?
Can't run a business
where your customers get eaten.
- Guess not.
- Nancy, Mindy, Burt here. Come back!
Damn it! Hope they got out okay.
Our old friend El Blanco
is finally coming this way.
Not to worry,
our perimeter is completely graboid-proof.
But is it Ass-Blaster-proof?
Come on, come on.
I'll grab my weapon!
Go! Go! Come on!
This way, into the safe room!
Come on!
Seal it!
- What is all this? Food?
- Better. MREs.
Most dense, most nutritious food
known to man.
Okay, how long can we wait it out in here?
Six, seven years. Depending on how well
you maintain your dietary discipline.
Son of a bitch is melting the door down.
Damn his butane, butt-blasting ass.
Forget that! Here!
- Escape tunnel!
- Burt, I like you.
You should! Go on, go on!
What happens if this thing eats your food?
Ass-blaster blitzkrieg.
Go on! I'll take care of it.
Trick or treat, you son of a bitch!
- Five gallons of unleaded.
- Man. You really go the distance!
Yeah, I'm a masterpiece of self-destruction.
Fire should reach my stock
of reloading powder right about...
...now.
- Come on! Over here.
- Go, go!
- Burt!
- Now what?
Burt, where've you been?
We've been trying to raise you.
- You won't believe it.
- No, try me.
You know those flying shriekers?
We've got one!
Well, actually, it almost got us,
but you know how we got it?
Food! It ate half the food in the store!
If they eat enough,
they go into a food coma!
No. They multiply!
No, Burt, they don't! Just feed it!
Give it all your MREs.
Burt, do you copy?
Burt?
Burt, do you copy?
Burt?
Burt's....
Burt is not available at the moment,
but thanks for the update, Nancy.
What kind of Supreme Being
would condone such irony?
Well, there are those who say,
the marksman aims at himself.
Power of non-attachment.
You need to tap into that right now.
Enough with the Zen zingers, all right?
Burt? Maintain.
A lifetime of preparation,
and I end up a refugee?
I hate to ask, but have we gone through
all this just to be eaten by El Blanco?
The explosions were so loud,
they have driven him far away.
You really should read the comics.
There are four more of them?
Nothing like a fire to attract
every heat-seeking...
...meat-eater in the valley.
- We have to hide.
- Where? I have no home!
Junkyard.
Junkyard! Yeah.
We just have to get that far.
The universe provides.
- The universe provides a boat?
- And a blue tarp. Come on!
Get your heinies up here before
they see us! Now, move! Come on!
Get in! Put it over yourself!
Come on! Like I said, just stick
with Jack, you're going to make it back.
Now, go left. No, no! Right!
Jack, go right!
- Not that far! Now go right!
- Make up your mind!
What the heck--
The little turd.
We made it! Look!
Plenty of places to hide!
Wait. It doesn't see us.
Calmly, get out of the boat.
And calmly, just head for--
It sees us! Shit! Run!
Got you, Jodi! Let's run.
It's coming!
My God.
- It's right there, can you hear it?
- I hear it.
- It's right there.
- That's what I said.
Let's get out of here.
- Yeah!
- That one's for Miguel!
About time we got a break.
Here comes the rest of them.
God! Do you think they see us?
Do they know we're here?
No.
Yeah.
- Cover. We got to find cover.
- We can hide in these.
No.
There. Come on.
Go, go!
- God, no. Can we hide over there?
- No time!
Well.
Let's assess the situation.
- We're screwed.
- We're screwed in an outhouse?
If I had been able to grab
just one gun! Even a single shot.
- How long are we stuck here?
- Minutes.
Our combined heat will make
this thing glow to them.
- So, we run! We just run like hell!
- No, they fly. We couldn't get half a mile.
Okay. Can't stay. Can't go. Your turn.
We've got to fight them.
They're not that smart.
They only see heat.
They light their farts.
How does that help?
No, wait.
They're full of flammable chemicals.
Could we ignite them, somehow?
Get them to swallow something hot?
- How?
- Stick them with something hot, or a fire.
- A flaming spear.
- They'll kill us if we get that close to them!
I'd rather shoot them, somehow.
If I just had my--
Burt, you don't have a gun.
Deal with it.
- A potato gun!
- A what?
- A potato gun!
- What?
Didn't you make one as a kid, Burt?
- I converted my BB gun to full auto--
- We made them from an old pipe.
You seal up one end,
put in a few drops of lighter fluid...
...stick in the potato, light the touchhole.
Potato will go a hundred yards.
Only, instead of a potato,
we shoot a flaming arrow.
Why not?
I like it.
Yes! Now, of course,
we have to do some shopping.
We need to get some pipe, any size,
things for arrows, rags to burn.
Then we'll need something
for gasoline. Alcohol.
This won't be easy.
Wait, I got a line on flaming liquid.
You two, go for parts.
- You see any of these rocket-butts nearby?
- No?
No? All right, let's go.
Watch yourselves.
Yeah.
Ass-Blaster! Blasted your own damn ass!
What the hell was that?
- I killed one! I did it!
- Way to go, girl!
Don't get cocky!
That still leaves three!
I killed one.
Listen up, it'll be dark soon.
How are we doing, people?
- I got some pipes.
- I got some rags.
Good work!
- I need some arrows.
- Let's meet over at that yellow truck.
Okay, Nestor, we need your help.
Yes.
Thanks, Nestor.
Burt.
- What's taking Jack so long?
- I don't know.
- Jack!
- Is that enough?
That will do.
Now, look.
Let's move to that mobile home.
It offers high ground for a good line of fire.
Run!
Come on, Jodi!
Lock it! Yeah, eat that.
Damn, girl.
Come on, let's get to work.
A friend, Nestor,
was killed in the first graboid incursion.
His trailer ended up here.
He loved his shine.
Here, rip some of these.
Now, you have to seal up one end.
Also, make a touchhole to light it.
I get the concept.
Any minute, this guy will kamikaze
through your roof like before.
All right, I need a gun sight.
Anybody grab any tape or wire?
Your earrings. Your earrings!
- Take them off.
- Excellent.
Still don't have a touchhole.
This has a little hole. Will this work?
Yeah.
Armed and dangerous.
- But do we have a lighter?
- Burt does.
How do you know?
Well, you're Burt.
Damn right I am.
Shit! Another kamikaze run!
Whiskey down the barrel.
About a shot's worth.
He knows. He's up!
Open the door.
Door open!
There!
- Now?
- No, wait for it.
- Now?
- Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Now!
It worked!
Blew him away! I mean, blew him--
Blew him away!
That's why we're at the top
of the food chain.
Two down, and two to go!
Reload.
Whiskey.
I'll take that arrow. Load it.
That will do it.
Get down! Stay down!
No! I got an idea.
We'll shoot it through the other skylight.
Stay down, Burt.
- Now what?
- Spread your legs.
Excuse me?
I get it. Okay.
- Don't blame me if I miss because--
- Aim and shoot!
Okay!
- What the hell did you do?
- I shot him.
- Burt.
- Burt!
We should go hunting sometime.
Here you go.
I think he looks pissed!
- Pissed, but dumb. No sitting duck, Burt?
- Never assume anything.
She's ready.
Stand by to fire at my command.
Light me!
- No way!
- I knew it!
Sons of bitches are
always on a learning curve.
Load.
lncoming!
Lighter. I need a lighter.
It's going to blow!
Into the back room, now!
Get in here.
Go, go! Get in here, Burt!
Yuck.
Jeez.
Twenty-three hours, 59 minutes.
Mission completed.
Damn it! How the hell
does he always know where I am?
The watch. The ultrasonic signal.
- Burt! Are you okay?
- I'm caught.
Burt, it's coming!
Get rid of the watch!
You're crazy. Get out of here!
El Blanco, you want it?
Come get it, dude!
Here you go, buddy!
- My Leatherman tool! In my pocket!
- Here you go, little buddy, now!
Right side, bottom row, third pocket.
- Cut the springs where my vest is snagged.
- How do you open this?
What is that?
All right.
Come on.
- Jodi, hurry it up!
- I'm working on it!
One.
- Get out of here. Go on!
- Shut up, Burt!
Come on.
Go on!
God Almighty!
Wow.
Good throw.
I used to pitch a little single A ball
till the old rotator cuff started acting up.
On the off-chance that
El Blanco's coming back for seconds...
...want to get me off this thing?
Yes.
Could you hold on for just a minute?
They matched your offer.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is the world's only living Ass-Blaster.
And I have a daughter
to put through school.
I want a car.
Come on.
Could you hold a minute?
The Vegas guys went even higher.
Should we do it?
Siegfried, Roy, he's all yours.
Make sure you stay behind the ropes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hitting the road, Desert Jack?
- Well, more like, Car Wash Jack.
I landed a job managing
that place down in Bixby.
The universe provides.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
So, I guess you'll be sticking around.
Yeah, I like the area. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, listen, I'm breaking in
my new rear axle. You want to...
...go for a little ride?
I'm restocking.
Nice clouds out there.
I can see the clouds from here.
Yeah, but these....
See, these are the good ones.
Well....
Mindy? Can you watch the store?
It figures.
Older women.
Buenas tardes, Senor Blanco.
That's it, just follow the car.
Burt!
Hey, nice wheels.
I've been expecting you, Melvin.
You are one persistent
little money-grubber.
Come on, Burt. Look around, man.
There's nothing here.
I'm going to turn this into something.
I'll build homes for families.
The smart thing for you to do
is cash in right now.
- You might want to join me, Melvin.
- Why?
It's safer up here.
Jesus Christ, Burt!
I thought you killed all those things.
- I never said that.
- God, man, kill it! Blow it up!
What are you waiting for?
The thing is, as long as one
of these reptilians is still alive...
...this whole area is deemed protected.
You know, pursuant to section 1472-B
of the Endangered Species Act?
ln other words, no houses,
no condos and no ranchettes.
You're crazy. Okay?
These things, man, they're going to--
They're going to eat you, Burt.
They're going to get all of you.
We got new geophones,
graboid barriers, blanket protection.
The whole town agrees. Between you
and El Blanco, they'll take him every time.
Adios, Melvin!
Burt! Hey!
Burt!
Burt!
Burt! You asshole!
You damn son of a bitch!
God! I hate you!
I hate your guts!
You sorry, sick...
...paranoid, right-wing...
...redneck psycho!
Shit-kicker!
Goddamn you, Burt!
And I hate that hat!
Si mi amiga.
We are completamente seguros here...
...because I've selected
my position carefully.
First rule of engagement:
Know your enemy.
Second rule: Know where to engage him.
You've kept your engines running.
I want maximum heat emissions...
...from these coordinates.
Mucho caliente. Comprende?
The time, 5:00.
The place, seven klicks south of El Chaco.
The situation:
A single graboid reported
in the area two weeks ago.
Only the third appearance of these underground
carnivores in the last 11 years.
Unfortunately, lack of action
on the part of local authorities...
...has allowed the creature
to metamorphose...
...into the second stage of its life cycle,
producing six shriekers...
...a voracious, hermaphroditic life-form...
...which can double in number every
few minutes by eating sufficient food.
In this case, chickens.
Ay, Dios mio!
A truckload of chickens.
Infrared monitoring
now indicates the shrieker herd...
...moving across the pampas toward us...
...closing at less than 300 meters.
290. 280.
I've managed to lead the shrieker herd
away from civilian population.
My tactical approach is
utilize various maneuvers...
...demonstrated
by Sitting Bull at Little Bighorn...
...and Field Marshal Rommel during
the North Africa campaign.
The idea being to set up a proper kill zone.
I should take this opportunity
to point out their zero tactical skills.
Lacking eyes or ears,
they can sense only heat and....
Patience, mi amigo.
Nothing to worry about...
...because for once I have
the proper tool at hand.
Looking for a little heat?
Any questions?
Burt, welcome home.
We saw you on CNN
shooting that cannon thing.
Dual .50 antiaircraft turret mount.
Good to see you, Miguel.
What the hell is that?
Some real estate guys out of Reno.
They want to cut up the valley into parcels.
- That'll be a cold day in hell.
- That's what I told them.
Burt, while you were gone...
...there was this conga line
of cement trucks going up to your place.
What are you building up there?
I installed an underground
graboid barrier, my own design.
Big cement box,
two-feet thick, steel reinforced...
...completely surrounding my compound...
...sides and bottom.
Now I can sleep nights.
Come on, Burt. What's it been, 11 years?
No reason to lower your guard.
Burt, welcome home.
Put in a bar code reader?
Jodi, they can use that
to build a profile on all my purchases.
Burt, welcome home.
Yeah, welcome.
Next they'll want a sample of my DNA.
How have you been?
I guess I'm getting by.
Getting by? You're doing better
than your uncle ever did.
In retail, if you're not three steps
ahead, you're one step behind.
- You want your mail?
- Yeah, I guess.
Perfection Valley Ranchettes.
They've been making offers to all of us.
Shall I file it for you?
- Cool watch.
- Gift from the gauchos.
It continuously updates
its time to the nanosecond...
...by connecting directly
to the cesium clock in Colorado...
...via ultrasonic frequency.
Well above our normal range of hearing,
but it'll give a dog fits.
Right. So, were you able to
get me graboid or shrieker parts:
Beaks, tentacles, claws?
Aren't you overdoing all this a little?
Burt, this stuff is our claim to fame.
China has pandas. Australia has koalas.
And we've got these...
...even if they are extinct here.
Are you trying to turn the valley
into a theme park?
It worked for your friends, Earl and Grady.
I'm just fighting for my piece
of the leisure dollar. But this...
...this is your theme park kind of guy.
'Desert Jack's Graboid Adventure,'
who the hell is this yahoo?
He moved in while you were gone,
started this business...
...taking people out on graboid safaris.
I don't believe this.
Believe it, ladies and gentlemen.
This is no theme park simulation here.
You are in the heart of graboid country.
These savage subterrestrials...
...these death-dealing denizens of dirt...
...first appeared about 11 years ago.
Yeah, you keep your eyes peeled,
your mind and body centered.
These things can jump up at any moment.
What the--
Just a jackrabbit, folks. Just a jackrabbit.
Breathe and release. There you go.
These suckers, I've seen one jump...
...clear 50 feet out of the ground,
like a volcano.
Swallowed a semi-truck whole.
Now that's what I call roadkill.
I tell you, yes, friends,
this whole area is a major feeding ground.
Just over that ridge there
is where a simple shepherd...
...named Old Fred lost his herd of sheep.
Yeah, and everything else
from the neck down.
Now as I said,
we're in the heart of graboid country.
Right in the heart of it.
Whoa!
Looks like we have company, folks.
Man. Is that a graboid?
Yeah, looks like it. Get back, son,
you're going to lose a limb now.
Oh, God!
- It's flooded!
- Calm down, lady!
Has it spotted us yet?
I don't know. I can't tell.
But it's bigger than I've ever seen.
Look!
Oh, God!
- Here it comes!
- Take control of yourself, don't panic.
Keep going. Come on. Moving in!
Well, we'd better get the hell out of Dodge!
Come on now.
We got it. It's called divine intervention.
Just stick with Jack,
you're going to make it back.
That's one.
I think he picked up our scent.
- Thought they only hunt by sound.
- That's what I meant, sound.
Four!
All right, baby. Been waiting for you.
Come to Daddy.
Come on now, hop on this here rock.
Here you go. Here you go.
Give me your hand, darling. Come on.
All right.
Hang on to your hat now.
Here's the rest of us.
We got everybody now?
Let's see here, one, two, three, four, five.
That's good. Well, I think
we just best wait it out a spell.
How long do you think it will be?
Well, ma'am, time is the eternal river.
I suggest we not swim upstream.
Damn, it's hot out here.
Anybody up for an ice-cold beer?
I got $3 a bottle domestic, $4.50 imported.
Also, might I recommend
my fresh fruit juices?
Monster Mango. Graboid Grape.
For a buck extra,
you can keep the souvenir glass.
Glows in the dark. Look at that.
Please enter access code...
...or Level 1 security program
will be activated in ten seconds.
Nine seconds,
eight seconds, seven seconds...
...six seconds, five seconds.
Thank you for your business.
I'd say we got pretty lucky out there today.
- Absolutely.
- All we saw was dust.
That's all you want to see, believe me, son.
Stay on the blacktop now
till you're clear out of the valley.
Tell your friends about us.
Got to restock the cooler here.
By the way, you didn't pay me
for that bag of ice this morning.
Well, you know,
I thought it was complimentary ice.
I'm in business here, Jack.
So am I. I've been thinking you ought
to sell me my refreshments at wholesale.
- Because?
- It's a part of our symbiotic relationship.
Symbiotic relationship.
That's a good one, Jack.
You see, Jodi, all things are related.
My business brings business
to your business.
Probably like an increase of about,
approximately around...
...50%.
Actually...
...22%, with questionable sustainability.
Questionable sustainability?
Do you have a business plan?
I try not to plan too much.
I trust in the ebb and flow of the universe.
You have to plan to be a viable entity
in today's economic landscape.
See, me, I'm in phase three
of establishing my product identity.
You know, L.L. Bean, 'canoey,' outdoorsy.
Land's End, 'golf clubby,' 'sailboaty.'
I see. I see. Chang's Market.
Is that, you know, that, kind of 'deserty,'
'underground monstery'?
Exactly.
All righty.
Sure hope nothing stops you
from becoming a viable entity...
...because I hate when that happens.
I'm billing you for that complimentary ice.
You know, I really like this clay.
It doesn't crack in the kiln,
but it is so expensive.
I can get 10% off if you order 200 pounds.
Yeah, I can't even afford that.
- Hi, Jodi.
- Hey, Mindy.
Can you give these to Jack
when he comes in?
Sure. Throw them on the table.
Thanks.
Mindy, I think Jack was
expecting you to sew those pants...
...not just stick tape on them.
Mom, tape is a total statement.
People like Jack and I understand that.
I was into safety pins, myself.
- Hey, Burt.
- Hey, Mindy.
I thought you were off at school.
Mom didn't tell you?
I had to drop out.
We couldn't afford the tuition.
So, I'm back working
at the Arby's down in Bixby...
...and trying to survive my mother.
Well, I hope things work out.
Thanks.
Beer is inside.
There you go. Watch your step.
Gummer?
Is that you?
It is, isn't it?
Damn!
Real pleasure to meet you, sir.
Jack Sawyer.
I've started up this little tour business.
Kind of an homage to you guys.
I would be honored
if you would consider being a part of it.
Sign a few autographs...
...maybe a little weapons demonstration.
Mom, take a picture of me
with the tremor.
Cute idea.
They're called graboids.
Come on over here, folks.
Look who I've got for you. Come on down!
The legendary Mr. Burt Gummer himself.
Mom, it's the gun guy.
It is.
Here, Milton.
Stand right here, up straight.
You don't mind, do you?
Straight, honey. Nice and tall. Taller!
Say 'graboids.'
- Graboids.
- Oh, great.
Thank you so much, Mr. Goober.
You had that look on your face.
What was that about?
Don't start, Mom.
They're out of their gourd right now.
My inner voice has been telling me...
...you and I are destined to work together.
What do you think?
If I had an inner voice
it'd be telling me to tell you to get lost.
Well, you know, take your time.
You just think about it
and get back to me now.
He'll come around.
Buford! Get your head out of your pants.
Just looking at the scenery.
Drooling on yourself.
Go set up for the next group.
You don't have to be so mean.
Boy, you're about as sharp
as a bowling ball.
Yeah, tough guy.
Hi, Mindy.
That skull was ripped wide open, boy.
Eyeballs popping out. Ugly!
Now as I said,
you're in the heart of graboid country.
Yeah, you're right in the heart of it.
Let me tell you something, boys...
...you're right in the frigging heart of it!
- Honey, did you see that?
- Sweet Jesus! Look!
Having a little engine trouble, folks.
Stay calm. Stay calm.
- Where is it?
- Stick with Jack, you'll make it back.
- Hold on to your hats.
- Help, help, graboid attack.
This is what you guys do all day?
I mean, no offense, Buford,
but it's like tragically lame.
This is a good living.
Compared to what I was doing before.
Which was?
Well, I was...
...shoveling roadkill for the county.
Okay, I get you, but...
...why is Jack wasting his time...
...scamming yahoos
with this Scooby-Doo routine?
I bet there are a zillion better things
a guy like that could do.
I bet he's nursing a broken heart.
Or something totally tragic.
I bet he's just dying
to talk to somebody who understands him.
All right, we got everybody now?
Damn, it's hot out here.
Anybody up for an ice-cold beer?
You know, I couldn't help but notice
that you're getting...
...awfully red out here in the sun.
Do you really have to keep doing that?
When is this tour going to be over,
anyway?
You don't enjoy my company, huh?
A man could take offense at that.
What's that?
Freeze!
Is he all right?
Come on, give me your hand!
This thing is not even real!
- Everybody, shut up!
- Listen to her!
- Who's that other guy?
- Shut the hell up!
Jack's jeep can outrun it,
but we need a diversion.
Some noise! Everybody, grab something.
- Like what?
- Like anything.
We're going to throw stuff out that way...
...then we're going to pile in the Jeep
and haul ass.
Got it? Okay. On three.
One, two, three! Okay!
Where's my camera?
You threw away my brand-new camera?
This time we're ready for you.
This shipment of graboids
has four tentacles instead of three.
They look ridiculous.
Nobody is going to buy them.
- What the hell is that?
- It's Burt's siren.
The graboid ladder?
It can't be real, Nancy.
He wouldn't blow the siren
unless it was for real.
I hope Mindy's okay.
Hope she doesn't do something stupid.
I'm not paying for them!
If you ask me, there's something
very amateurish about this operation.
You take people into a life-or-death
situation, and you don't have a real gun?
Are you even licensed to do this?
You wanted to see a graboid,
you saw a graboid.
I advise you to hit the highway
and don't stop till you reach Seattle.
I expect you to pay for that camera!
Mindy, thank God!
What's going on?
Mom, they're back.
We just made it out.
Graboids? Live ones?
Burt, we found one.
Son of a bitch killed Buford.
I mean, boom and he was gone.
The thing is like the size of a whale.
Yep, I've seen them.
Burt, is it okay?
Can we come down?
Come on down. They're not close.
You check the seismo-monitor I gave you?
It's not working very well.
I think the batteries are dead or something.
Come on, Burt. It's been, what, 11 years?
Burt here. Talk to me.
Burt, was that siren noise for real?
Affirmative.
No me chingas.
- You on your roof?
- Damn right, I am.
Check your seismo-monitor?
Any graboid activity near your ranch?
Burt, that aerial thing, it got bent, man.
I've been meaning to fix it.
Well, now it's all hands on deck, Miguel.
So, I suggest you bug out asap,
maintain a steady speed on your truck...
...and report to HQ at Chang's,
you copy that?
- Good news, there are only three.
- How do you know that?
A few years ago, I put a geophone
monitoring system around the valley.
Data transmits to my laptop,
gets triangulated.
It's all based
on Rhonda LeBeck's geological research.
- I sell all her books.
- The comics were better.
Totally.
They're moving slowly
down from the north, just like last time...
...from Jasmer quadrangle,
straight down the valley...
- ...into Calypso quadrangle.
- Huh?
- I think he means Cactus Flats.
- Why can't he just say it?
So, what do we do?
Your little jungle boat ride is over, mister.
- Time to fish or cut bait.
- So what do we do?
Burt, excuse me,
but we're not cut off this time.
We don't have to act like militia nitwits.
We'll call for help.
Nancy, since no one has bothered
to maintain their seismic equipment...
...we don't know how long
they've been active...
...and therefore have no idea
when they may become shriekers.
We can't wait for the authorities.
We are the authorities.
What do we do?
We hunt them down.
We wipe them out.
We can go at dawn.
These are perfect.
- How many do you have in stock?
- Eleven.
Need to requisition all of them.
Requisition. Am I getting reimbursed?
- Not today.
- How does it work?
Killing them with a toy truck?
- Graboids hunt by sensing--
- Sound. I know.
A graboid hears a toy truck,
goes after it just like a cat to catnip.
- It's in the comic books.
- When he swallows detonate the explosive.
Boom! End of worm.
Explosive.
Where are we going to get the explosive?
This, not being an officially
sanctioned event...
...I've provided something
of my own design.
Don't worry about Burt.
He knows what he's doing.
It's like his thing. Put these on my tab.
- Mount up and move out.
- You don't have a tab!
Jack, I'm going with you.
No, you're not.
Yes, sir?
Good morning. Mr. Gummer?
'Morning.
Agent Frank Statler.
- My cousin, he went back to Mexico.
- I've filed for my business license.
The right to bear arms
shall not be infringed.
Department of the lnterior.
This gentleman is Field Agent Rusk
of the BLM...
...and Dr. Andrew Merliss,
Director of Paleontology at Smithsonian.
We don't have time to chat.
We've got work to do.
Not if it's hunting graboids, you don't.
I called them, Burt.
I was granted authority
to insure adherence to Section 1472-B...
...of the Endangered Species Act...
...which guards the welfare
of large-class desert reptilians.
I'm enforcing an immediate ban
on hunting of graboids in Perfection Valley.
Those are my cattle out there, pendejo.
The BLM man gave permission
to kill anything dangerous to my cattle.
El lobo, el coyote and el graboid.
Your BLM man reports to him,
who reports to me...
...and I'm here to tell you
there will be no more killing of graboids.
So, we let them live,
and we become the endangered species.
You have been instrumental
in the eradication of the oldest...
...rarest species on earth.
Not once, but on three separate occasions,
on two continents.
Defending lives and property,
a guest of two foreign governments.
- Are you even aware of the public outcry?
- Public? Not this public.
Our mandate is simple:
To investigate, trap and transport
at least one creature for study.
Trap and transport?
When you find out that's impossible,
we'll be overcome with shriekers.
lf we discover
there is a threat to public safety...
...we're prepared to evacuate
Perfection Valley and seal it off.
Wait a minute! You'd make us leave?
That's not why I called you.
I called you here to help us.
The government will offer compensation
for your property. That's a given.
Eminent domain.
And people call me paranoid.
I don't think you're paranoid.
I do, but not no more.
Son of a bitch!
'Call me Ishmael.'
Now if you would kindly
lean your endangered carcass...
...over my property line.
I'll call your untimely demise self-defense.
Damn stupid graboids.
Can't afford to get eminent domain out.
Every cent I have is tied to this business.
Well, at least you got a business.
Body language says it all.
Does it say I could use a cold beer?
- What will it be?
- Miller Lite.
Yeah, we still don't have cell towers.
You can use the pay phone.
Outside it's CBs and walkie-talkies only.
Charming.
You guys weren't serious
about making us move out, were you?
Unless we can catch one of them,
we may have no choice.
It kind of seems like a small operation.
I mean, to catch one whole graboid.
We don't have much of a budget.
It's not a high priority in Washington.
But if you did catch one...
...I mean, you boys would
go home heroes, right?
Look good on a resume.
And your point would be?
The one guy who knows
about these things...
...the one guy who could help out...
...is warming up the bench
because you took him out of the game.
I didn't take him out of the game.
May I remind you, Jack,
they are not your friends?
They are government agents. Over.
Cut me some slack.
All I did was negotiate.
- You did what?
- I cut us a deal.
We help catch one live graboid,
they give you back your hunting license.
- Copy that. Roger. One question.
- Shoot.
Is your head up your ass for the warmth?
We thought you'd be happy.
- You want to get eminent domained out?
- Catch a live graboid?
It's hard enough to kill one
without saturation bombing.
I told them, Burt Gummer,
he'd come up with something.
The bastards are smart,
and they'll get smarter.
You're still here, aren't you?
I'd say you're up to it.
So, Mr. Gummer, what do you think?
Fish or cut bait.
You...
...say you have some sort of tranquilizer.
Yeah, we're using tranq darts.
We got them to chase us,
but couldn't get these to penetrate dirt.
I'm ordering titanium tips
and a more powerful launch gun.
Of course, you could squander
the taxpayers' money...
...but I can get a graboid to swallow this...
...with this, for $49.95.
Then, if it goes to sleep, you can dig it up...
...take it back to Area 51...
...or whatever fits
your plausible deniability.
I don't understand what you just said,
but do we have a deal?
Because we want to know
what we should do.
You guys do what you do best.
Find something simple and complicate it.
It's good he expresses himself.
Repressed emotions can be real toxic.
He needs counseling.
- Get in!
- Huh?
You got me into this.
All right!
Use the door!
It's unbelievable!
Frank, Charlie. It's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
I was doing cores...
...out where they recorded
the earliest graboid movements.
Voila!
I hit this on my third dig.
It's an egg.
I've proven they come from eggs.
I've already carbon-dated it.
The yolk remains are current...
...but the shell is over 300 years old.
- Graboids must have come from these.
- They lay dormant for 300 years?
It appears so. I need to use your phone.
I must call the museum.
I'll give you $50 for that.
It's going straight to the Smithsonian.
All right, all right. $100.
Somebody getting married?
First, we make enough noise
to lure one in close.
Then, we use
the remote-controlled truck as bait.
Damn feds. I told them to butt out.
No, I think that's somebody else.
Well, Burt. Long time no see.
Looking good. Hard core as ever.
- Melvin?
- It's Mel, actually.
How come you never answer our letters,
and I got to drive all the way out here?
Perfection Valley Ranchettes. That's you?
You said I'd never amount to anything.
Look, Burt, we're making
some really good deals here.
Between you and me,
because we're friends...
...you'll get twice
what we're offering the others.
What the hell are you doing?
You grew up here.
Exactly. I wouldn't wish
this place on anybody.
So, come on, Burt. What do you say?
I'd say, I'll give you
a ten-second head start.
People are folding, Burt,
and I got this whole county in my pocket.
You can't hold out forever.
I was born to hold out.
Burt, is this bad? It looks kind of bad here.
Is this bad? It's....
Graboid. One of them spotted us.
Freeze. Everybody, quiet.
- A graboid?
- Quiet!
Are you kidding?
For real?
Burt! Burt, hang on!
Hey, Burt, hang on. I'll get a rope.
Yeah.
Houston, we have a problem.
- Burt?
- Affirmative.
Are you okay?
Not much time.
Only got limited air. What's my 20?
Hold on. Hold on.
Well, you're about a quarter mile
west-- No, better make that east of me.
Couple of miles from my place,
engage the graboid.
What?
Drive like hell, and lead the bastard
through my front gate. Copy?
Yeah, I copy, but....
Out of air. Burt out.
Burt! Burt, what do I do when I get there?
What do I do? Burt! Burt!
Come on, graboid.
Come on, baby, come on!
Come on, baby.
We are running with the graboid.
Holy shit!
Head-on collision.
Burt! Burt, are you down there?
Hang on. I'll be right there.
Hold on, buddy! Hang on, buddy!
Just breathe!
Come on, baby!
Hang on, buddy!
Hang on!
Jack! That Melvin guy
said you got attacked!
What the hell are you doing?
I'd prefer...
...we keep this...
...to ourselves.
You guys definitely need to be supervised.
Burt here. You read me?
Come back.
Come back. Burt here. Come back!
Is that a graboid?
Yeah, but we should be
seeing two of them.
Have either of you
heard from the feds?
- I can't raise them.
- Not since this morning.
I guess they've gone out of radio range.
They were chasing a graboid.
They were chasing it?
It wasn't chasing them? I don't like that.
So, maybe they scared it.
Jesus, what is that?
Dr. Merliss, what happened?
We found the graboid.
On the surface.
- It was--
- Hollow. Split open.
Yeah, split open. Split open.
When we examined it...
...the sound.
I heard this screaming.
And then they were all around us.
So fast!
Rusk and Statler...
...torn to pieces!
I hid in my van,
but they were ripping it apart.
I remembered something.
Don't let them see body heat.
I sprayed myself.
It's cold. It's so cold.
- That was good. That was good thinking.
- No.
Not entirely effective, I'm afraid.
Mi madre!
- Nancy, Mindy. Come back.
- Yes, Burt. We're on Chang's roof.
- Is the graboid still around?
- We've got a bigger problem now.
- Squealers?
- No, screechers.
Shriekers.
The government team is all dead.
- My God.
- These SOBs don't hunt by sound.
They see heat
with sensor organs on their heads.
You've got to hide
your body heat somehow. Copy.
Hide our body heat?
Burt, we copy.
Can't track shriekers with geophones...
...so I'm rigged to download
infrared satellite images.
When shriekers first emerge,
there are only six of them.
If we can kill them before they find food
and multiply, we have a chance.
Okay, here we go.
Preston Dry Lake. Jeep trail.
There we are. Those are our cars, right?
Reading the engine heat.
- Bingo. We have a visual.
- Two, four. There are seven of them.
You mean, they're already
making more of themselves?
Yeah, they munched on Statler and Rusk.
We better get moving.
I totally hate my life.
Damn, I still don't see them.
- How do you focus these things?
- Here, try these.
- Better get that satellite thing again.
- We got you covered.
- That's it, right there.
- There's eight of them.
- What are they eating?
Coyotes, lizards, snakes. They don't care.
This is really serious.
I keep trying to tell you people!
How far are your cattle?
- If they get to your herd, we're in trouble.
- Burt, look.
Look there. They're going into
that box canyon over there.
There's only one way out of there.
- If we get there before--
- I'm with you.
We just roll in and mop
those little devils up.
Graboids!
- Go! Go!
- Come on! Come on!
Miguel! Where the hell....
Es blanco.
Holy shit.
I've never seen a live one.
Holy shit!
What do we do now?
Radio Nancy and Mindy
to call for some kind of help.
Damn thing tried to eat my Jeep.
What the hell is it thinking?
The engine. He went for the noise.
Haven't you read the graboid comics?
It's all in there.
Freaking slug. I owe money on that thing.
- Jack, you got your walkie?
- It's in my Jeep.
Where's yours?
On my hood.
Well, I guess we just wait.
Darn! Man!
Are you worried that
the shriekers might get out...
...and go eat Miguel's cattle,
and, I don't know, the rest of Nevada?
Absolutely. But I do not dwell on that
over which I have no control.
That's great. I have to do all the dwelling.
If you choose to.
You know what I've found?
Most people prefer
your dramatic cumulus and nimbus clouds.
But I've always had
a weakness for a cirrus.
Yeah. Wispy, and way up there, you know?
I wouldn't know.
- Well, don't you ever look up?
- I'm busy.
Too busy to look up?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
I'm working for myself here.
All right? I could have
stayed in San Francisco...
...parlayed my MBA into
a six-figure income. But, hey.
I'm busting my ass
eking a living out here...
- ...to build something for myself.
- I know it's not easy.
But I just think you can
enjoy yourself while you eke.
Who says I'm not enjoying myself?
You know, I don't have
to justify myself to you.
Foodmall?
You said you bought
all your supplies from me!
I don't recall signing
any purchasing agreement.
It was a verbal commitment.
It was understood, okay?
In exchange for tying up
my telephone lines and my computer.
You're getting free overhead, pal.
And, for your information,
I do enjoy myself.
I do.
Well, one bit of good news.
The shriekers are still in the canyon.
Got to be the same one
I saw outside my house.
Albino, I think.
We used to have a female goat like that.
No kids.
- Impossible.
- Sterile?
Maybe that's why El Blanco
hasn't turned into Los Shriekers.
Son of a--
5:00, on the dot.
Be sunrise soon.
In 37 minutes, 32 seconds.
- Hey, Burt. Heads up!
- What?
Why, you....
He follows you, Burt.
I think he's got a thing for you.
If I could reach my
Grizzly .50-caliber, I'd have a thing for him.
Is that them?
It must be!
But I've never heard them
make a noise like that before.
Like coyotes...
...with their kill.
They're still in the canyon.
Can't afford to wait.
I've got to get to my radio.
Wait, Burt! Try this.
I saw it on a repeat of MacGyver.
Dental floss! I always carry it.
There. There, there.
Yeah. Come on. Come on!
- There, you got it.
- Yes!
Nancy! Mindy! Burt here. Come back!
What's up?
We're pinned down by...
...this great white graboid,
and we need an assist.
I want you to make
one hell of a racket over the radio. Copy?
You want noise, Burt? I copy that.
- Honey, what's going on?
- Burt just phoned in a request.
He's going for it.
Here we go. One more.
- It's coming back!
- Yep.
He's taken the bait.
Jodi, Jack, let's move it.
- This is yours: .308, four shots in the mag.
- I don't know--
It won't bite you. Jack, grab your
Weatherby and let's do this.
- My 'Weather' what?
- Your rifle. ln your gun rack?
The gun is not real.
Borrowed it off some movie guy.
Here. You do know which end
the bullets come out of?
- I've seen movies.
- Here. You look cold.
Now, let's go bag our limit of shriekers.
Come on!
Has to be right around that bend.
- What the--
- Jeez, what are they doing?
I do not know.
- Let's tenderize them a little.
- I remember these babies.
Cover!
Holy shit! He doesn't fool around.
Burt is very committed.
Come on, come on! Let's hit them!
Check it out!
Vaporized them!
I mean, there's nothing left.
No, no. We should see remains.
They wouldn't just disintegrate!
- How do you know?
- I've blown them up before!
It looks like they shed
some kind of husk or skin, like a snake.
I don't like that.
Maybe they went back underground.
Let's just go find my truck.
Burt! I really liked that truck.
Man. That has to hurt.
It was new, wasn't it?
At least it died for a good reason.
And my Grizzly Big Bore. My sidearms.
My ammo.
Something moved,
over behind the fence.
It's a shrieker?
Not no more, it's not.
In Mexico and Argentina,
we killed them before they lived 12 hours.
This is what happens when you don't?
- They just keep mutating like a virus?
- I have no idea!
Hey, look. That son of a gun
has the same heat sensor.
Tracking us.
It's not smart to track Burt.
What's it doing now?
What the....
Point, shoot! Come on!
Point, shoot!
No!
Oh, my God.
- I shouldn't have taken that shot.
- Should have shot sooner!
How could you know it was going
to take off like a goddamn rocket?
Jack, give me your walkie.
Nancy, Mindy? Burt here. Come back.
Yeah, Burt. We're here.
Nancy, listen. They....
They killed Miguel. He's gone.
Oh, my God, no.
What, Miguel? No!
Nancy? Jodi here.
The shriekers can fly now.
So, get off the roof.
You're not safe up there anymore. Copy?
Hurry! Help!
Lock it! Lock it.
It's coming back!
- What are you doing?
- They can only see heat!
I'm not dumb, you know!
Come on, into the meat locker!
Honey, I never thought you were dumb.
An egg. Graboid egg.
So it's a graboid, to a shrieker,
to one of these here new things...
...and finally back to a graboid.
It would make sense, biologically.
I guess they developed the ability to fly...
...so they can carry the eggs
as far as possible.
Well, look at that. Look at that
right there. Reacts with the air.
Smells like a bad night of beans.
Some high-octane
stomach acid he has there.
Extremely reactive.
Almost like pure sodium.
Whatever it is, they work it
up there in their ass, see--
- Excuse me?
- No, no. That's how they blast off.
Always something new with these things.
No, forget it, you're both empty.
- Empty?
- Already?
You fired ten, she fired four.
I'm empty, too.
That's just great. Great.
My place is three miles away.
We have to try to make it.
With these honkers doing aerial recon?
We have to conceal
our body heat somehow.
All right, it....
I can make a dumb suggestion.
No! All I'm saying is,
we discovered them, right?
So, we should name them. Let me think.
Okay. 'Blast-Offers.'
Or 'Butt-Launchers.' That's better?
'Ass-Blasters!' How's that?
Sounds like a porno film.
Listen!
Get down! Get down!
He didn't see us! We're okay.
- Lunch date?
- Damn! El Blanco.
- I'm sorry?
- White graboid.
- He's moving towards us.
- Can't we get a break here?
Come on, come on. This way.
Beneath this ridge is
a solid granite intrusion.
We'll follow it,
but El Blanco will have to go around.
- Granite intrusion?
- I memorized the valley's geology.
Oh, yeah.
I been meaning to do that.
Give me your weapons
and make yourselves at home.
I'll see if Nancy and Mindy got through
to the Air National Guard.
Lots of choices.
Nancy, Mindy. Burt here. Come back.
Burt calling Nancy and Mindy. Copy?
You know those supplies I bought?
How about I let you have them at cost?
Feeling guilty?
- Nancy, Mindy. Come back.
- Yeah.
But mostly I'm going to need
traveling money.
Burt calling Nancy and Mindy.
Copy?
You copy?
Burt here. Come back. Nancy? Mindy?
- Nancy? Mindy? Talk to me.
- So, you'll be leaving?
Can't run a business
where your customers get eaten.
- Guess not.
- Nancy, Mindy, Burt here. Come back!
Damn it! Hope they got out okay.
Our old friend El Blanco
is finally coming this way.
Not to worry,
our perimeter is completely graboid-proof.
But is it Ass-Blaster-proof?
Come on, come on.
I'll grab my weapon!
Go! Go! Come on!
This way, into the safe room!
Come on!
Seal it!
- What is all this? Food?
- Better. MREs.
Most dense, most nutritious food
known to man.
Okay, how long can we wait it out in here?
Six, seven years. Depending on how well
you maintain your dietary discipline.
Son of a bitch is melting the door down.
Damn his butane, butt-blasting ass.
Forget that! Here!
- Escape tunnel!
- Burt, I like you.
You should! Go on, go on!
What happens if this thing eats your food?
Ass-blaster blitzkrieg.
Go on! I'll take care of it.
Trick or treat, you son of a bitch!
- Five gallons of unleaded.
- Man. You really go the distance!
Yeah, I'm a masterpiece of self-destruction.
Fire should reach my stock
of reloading powder right about...
...now.
- Come on! Over here.
- Go, go!
- Burt!
- Now what?
Burt, where've you been?
We've been trying to raise you.
- You won't believe it.
- No, try me.
You know those flying shriekers?
We've got one!
Well, actually, it almost got us,
but you know how we got it?
Food! It ate half the food in the store!
If they eat enough,
they go into a food coma!
No. They multiply!
No, Burt, they don't! Just feed it!
Give it all your MREs.
Burt, do you copy?
Burt?
Burt, do you copy?
Burt?
Burt's....
Burt is not available at the moment,
but thanks for the update, Nancy.
What kind of Supreme Being
would condone such irony?
Well, there are those who say,
the marksman aims at himself.
Power of non-attachment.
You need to tap into that right now.
Enough with the Zen zingers, all right?
Burt? Maintain.
A lifetime of preparation,
and I end up a refugee?
I hate to ask, but have we gone through
all this just to be eaten by El Blanco?
The explosions were so loud,
they have driven him far away.
You really should read the comics.
There are four more of them?
Nothing like a fire to attract
every heat-seeking...
...meat-eater in the valley.
- We have to hide.
- Where? I have no home!
Junkyard.
Junkyard! Yeah.
We just have to get that far.
The universe provides.
- The universe provides a boat?
- And a blue tarp. Come on!
Get your heinies up here before
they see us! Now, move! Come on!
Get in! Put it over yourself!
Come on! Like I said, just stick
with Jack, you're going to make it back.
Now, go left. No, no! Right!
Jack, go right!
- Not that far! Now go right!
- Make up your mind!
What the heck--
The little turd.
We made it! Look!
Plenty of places to hide!
Wait. It doesn't see us.
Calmly, get out of the boat.
And calmly, just head for--
It sees us! Shit! Run!
Got you, Jodi! Let's run.
It's coming!
My God.
- It's right there, can you hear it?
- I hear it.
- It's right there.
- That's what I said.
Let's get out of here.
- Yeah!
- That one's for Miguel!
About time we got a break.
Here comes the rest of them.
God! Do you think they see us?
Do they know we're here?
No.
Yeah.
- Cover. We got to find cover.
- We can hide in these.
No.
There. Come on.
Go, go!
- God, no. Can we hide over there?
- No time!
Well.
Let's assess the situation.
- We're screwed.
- We're screwed in an outhouse?
If I had been able to grab
just one gun! Even a single shot.
- How long are we stuck here?
- Minutes.
Our combined heat will make
this thing glow to them.
- So, we run! We just run like hell!
- No, they fly. We couldn't get half a mile.
Okay. Can't stay. Can't go. Your turn.
We've got to fight them.
They're not that smart.
They only see heat.
They light their farts.
How does that help?
No, wait.
They're full of flammable chemicals.
Could we ignite them, somehow?
Get them to swallow something hot?
- How?
- Stick them with something hot, or a fire.
- A flaming spear.
- They'll kill us if we get that close to them!
I'd rather shoot them, somehow.
If I just had my--
Burt, you don't have a gun.
Deal with it.
- A potato gun!
- A what?
- A potato gun!
- What?
Didn't you make one as a kid, Burt?
- I converted my BB gun to full auto--
- We made them from an old pipe.
You seal up one end,
put in a few drops of lighter fluid...
...stick in the potato, light the touchhole.
Potato will go a hundred yards.
Only, instead of a potato,
we shoot a flaming arrow.
Why not?
I like it.
Yes! Now, of course,
we have to do some shopping.
We need to get some pipe, any size,
things for arrows, rags to burn.
Then we'll need something
for gasoline. Alcohol.
This won't be easy.
Wait, I got a line on flaming liquid.
You two, go for parts.
- You see any of these rocket-butts nearby?
- No?
No? All right, let's go.
Watch yourselves.
Yeah.
Ass-Blaster! Blasted your own damn ass!
What the hell was that?
- I killed one! I did it!
- Way to go, girl!
Don't get cocky!
That still leaves three!
I killed one.
Listen up, it'll be dark soon.
How are we doing, people?
- I got some pipes.
- I got some rags.
Good work!
- I need some arrows.
- Let's meet over at that yellow truck.
Okay, Nestor, we need your help.
Yes.
Thanks, Nestor.
Burt.
- What's taking Jack so long?
- I don't know.
- Jack!
- Is that enough?
That will do.
Now, look.
Let's move to that mobile home.
It offers high ground for a good line of fire.
Run!
Come on, Jodi!
Lock it! Yeah, eat that.
Damn, girl.
Come on, let's get to work.
A friend, Nestor,
was killed in the first graboid incursion.
His trailer ended up here.
He loved his shine.
Here, rip some of these.
Now, you have to seal up one end.
Also, make a touchhole to light it.
I get the concept.
Any minute, this guy will kamikaze
through your roof like before.
All right, I need a gun sight.
Anybody grab any tape or wire?
Your earrings. Your earrings!
- Take them off.
- Excellent.
Still don't have a touchhole.
This has a little hole. Will this work?
Yeah.
Armed and dangerous.
- But do we have a lighter?
- Burt does.
How do you know?
Well, you're Burt.
Damn right I am.
Shit! Another kamikaze run!
Whiskey down the barrel.
About a shot's worth.
He knows. He's up!
Open the door.
Door open!
There!
- Now?
- No, wait for it.
- Now?
- Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Now!
It worked!
Blew him away! I mean, blew him--
Blew him away!
That's why we're at the top
of the food chain.
Two down, and two to go!
Reload.
Whiskey.
I'll take that arrow. Load it.
That will do it.
Get down! Stay down!
No! I got an idea.
We'll shoot it through the other skylight.
Stay down, Burt.
- Now what?
- Spread your legs.
Excuse me?
I get it. Okay.
- Don't blame me if I miss because--
- Aim and shoot!
Okay!
- What the hell did you do?
- I shot him.
- Burt.
- Burt!
We should go hunting sometime.
Here you go.
I think he looks pissed!
- Pissed, but dumb. No sitting duck, Burt?
- Never assume anything.
She's ready.
Stand by to fire at my command.
Light me!
- No way!
- I knew it!
Sons of bitches are
always on a learning curve.
Load.
lncoming!
Lighter. I need a lighter.
It's going to blow!
Into the back room, now!
Get in here.
Go, go! Get in here, Burt!
Yuck.
Jeez.
Twenty-three hours, 59 minutes.
Mission completed.
Damn it! How the hell
does he always know where I am?
The watch. The ultrasonic signal.
- Burt! Are you okay?
- I'm caught.
Burt, it's coming!
Get rid of the watch!
You're crazy. Get out of here!
El Blanco, you want it?
Come get it, dude!
Here you go, buddy!
- My Leatherman tool! In my pocket!
- Here you go, little buddy, now!
Right side, bottom row, third pocket.
- Cut the springs where my vest is snagged.
- How do you open this?
What is that?
All right.
Come on.
- Jodi, hurry it up!
- I'm working on it!
One.
- Get out of here. Go on!
- Shut up, Burt!
Come on.
Go on!
God Almighty!
Wow.
Good throw.
I used to pitch a little single A ball
till the old rotator cuff started acting up.
On the off-chance that
El Blanco's coming back for seconds...
...want to get me off this thing?
Yes.
Could you hold on for just a minute?
They matched your offer.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is the world's only living Ass-Blaster.
And I have a daughter
to put through school.
I want a car.
Come on.
Could you hold a minute?
The Vegas guys went even higher.
Should we do it?
Siegfried, Roy, he's all yours.
Make sure you stay behind the ropes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hitting the road, Desert Jack?
- Well, more like, Car Wash Jack.
I landed a job managing
that place down in Bixby.
The universe provides.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
So, I guess you'll be sticking around.
Yeah, I like the area. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, listen, I'm breaking in
my new rear axle. You want to...
...go for a little ride?
I'm restocking.
Nice clouds out there.
I can see the clouds from here.
Yeah, but these....
See, these are the good ones.
Well....
Mindy? Can you watch the store?
It figures.
Older women.
Buenas tardes, Senor Blanco.
That's it, just follow the car.
Burt!
Hey, nice wheels.
I've been expecting you, Melvin.
You are one persistent
little money-grubber.
Come on, Burt. Look around, man.
There's nothing here.
I'm going to turn this into something.
I'll build homes for families.
The smart thing for you to do
is cash in right now.
- You might want to join me, Melvin.
- Why?
It's safer up here.
Jesus Christ, Burt!
I thought you killed all those things.
- I never said that.
- God, man, kill it! Blow it up!
What are you waiting for?
The thing is, as long as one
of these reptilians is still alive...
...this whole area is deemed protected.
You know, pursuant to section 1472-B
of the Endangered Species Act?
ln other words, no houses,
no condos and no ranchettes.
You're crazy. Okay?
These things, man, they're going to--
They're going to eat you, Burt.
They're going to get all of you.
We got new geophones,
graboid barriers, blanket protection.
The whole town agrees. Between you
and El Blanco, they'll take him every time.
Adios, Melvin!
Burt! Hey!
Burt!
Burt!
Burt! You asshole!
You damn son of a bitch!
God! I hate you!
I hate your guts!
You sorry, sick...
...paranoid, right-wing...
...redneck psycho!
Shit-kicker!
Goddamn you, Burt!
And I hate that hat!