Transylvania 6-5000 (1985) - full transcript

Come on, Jim.

You've been taking pictures of
buildings all during our trip.

Take a shot of me!

You just stand by the door!
=I don't understand.

It's a deserted chapel, and
somebody's holding the door!

That's good!

Oh, god!

Run! Run!

I ook!

It's Frankenstein!

Well, what do you think?



About what? = the film?

The, the, the thing
going through the door.

Scary. - Ha?

Where did you get that?
I got it.

And no one else has seen it.
It's an exclusive.

Oh, no. Gil, it's a phony.

Those guys obviously
staged the whole thing

so they'll get their
names in the paper.

So what's up?

You know, you better
think of something better

because you're
going out on this story.

What story?

The monster story.

No, no, ho, ho, ho, ho.



Mac, I don't want to go
out on a monster story.

You don't want to go out?

Every time I give
you a good lead,

you tell me you
don't want to go out.

Or if you do go out, you
come back with nothing!

Not my fault.
And what about what you do to my stories?

What do I do?
I can't believe we're

talking about this again. I didn't want
to have this conversation one more time.

The one you headlined "women
forced to work on rape factory,"

when that was a rope factory.

That was a typo. - A typo?

Besides, "rape" is a grabber.
He's right. It is a big grabber.

Look, didn't you hire me to raise
the journalistic level of this paper?

Wrong!

I hired you to raise the
vocabulary level of this paper.

I want to keep the
journalistic level very low.

Why do you think I teamed you up with him?
Hey!

I'm a team player.
Mac, this is crap.

Crap? I like crap.
I love crap. I need crap.

Crap is what sells newspapers.

Look around you... crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

May I say I have no
problem with crap?

Good boy. I'll be right back.

Look, when you talk
to me, don't touch me.

I don't touch you.

No? What do you call, uh,
this and that and this?

I don't want you to do this
or this, and especially this.

I don't do that.

Well, in case you think of
it, I don't want you to do it.

You're going out right away.
What have we got?

Planes, trains, buses.
Where are we going?

Transylvania.

What am I doing here?
Why am I working here?

I should be going to Moscow.
I should be going to the middle east.

Transylvania. All right!

Where is that?

Uh, I don't know.
It's over there, some place.

We're going over
there some place.

Fine. - We'll find it.

You better find it
because I'm counting

on you guys for a
Frankenstein story.

I'm sorry? You're counting
on us for a what story?

Frankenstein!
You remember Frankenstein?

Big guy.

Frankenstein.
I don't think he was still alive.

You didn't think?
You didn't think. That's right.

You didn't think.
He was never alive, shmohawk.

That's the point.
That was a book!

That was a movie!
That wasn't real life.

And it certainly isn't the news!

Well, I think it is.

These guys are
watching that monster.

And they think he looks
like Frankenstein!

You're giving me a headache.

Listen, why don't you take your
headache and get the hell out of here?

Only when you come back, you
better come back with a story.

A town in fear, uh, a mad scientist.
Something.

Because if you guys come back with
nothing, you're both fired!

You can't fire me. I'm your son.

Prove it!

Okay, okay.

Here's the cassette.
Nah, now, we're not, uh,

pushing it just a little
with this Frankenstein thing.

I love to push it.
Why can't you be like him?

I tell him that...
Are you going to come back with a story?

Yes, dad. - You see that?

Why don't you listen to him?
Listen to him.

He makes me sick.

Dark, demented scientist.

Information, okay.
The stones of easter island.

- I don't want to hear that.
- The landing strips in the andes.

Now, hear this, both of you.

Next week, I want
a banner headline:

"Frankenstein lives!"

J this can't be happening. J

j so much I can't explain.

J there's a logical j
j explanation for everything. J

j done talking about the ways. J

j somebody calls my name. J

j but if you need to, need to j
j reach me, you can call me. J

j this is where I'll be... j
j transylvania 6-5000. J

j transylvania 6, ooh. J

j transylvania 6-5000. J

j transylvania 6-5, oh, oh, oh! J

Ja shadow's in the waves. J

j a shape I can't forget. J»

j things enter my room at j
j night and disappears. J

j a piercing bloody scream is j
j bad cliche of a bad dream. J

j but if you need to, need to j
j reach me, you can call me. J

j this is where I'll be... j
j transylvania 6-5000. J

j transylvania 6, ooh. J

j transylvania 6-5000. J

j transylvania 6-5, oh, oh, oh. J

j number, please? J

j operator, could you put j
j me through to tr-6-50007? J

Jl ain't nervous. J

j I ain't scared of a silver j
j cross, silver bullets. J

j got to be prepared.

J transylvania 6-5000. J

j transylvania-6... j

I don't understand it.
Rome, Paris Vienna.

We had all that lousy weather.
Ll. Ook at this.

Yeah, certainly, doesn't look
like... what did your dad say?

"Town in fear,” does it?

Transylvania's cute.
= it's cute.

Laura, don't go too far.

Hey, hey, hey.

Go play with that kid.

I don't want to play with the kid.
She's not my age.

Play with the kid.

Why should I play with
the... oh, I know why.

Oh, excuse me.

Hi

You know, I saw
you sitting in the bus.

I was going to come back.

But I know...
But you were too bashful.

That's right.

And now, that we've met, I'm
gaining some self-confidence.

Oh, good!

Then it'll be easier for
you to deal with rejection.

I aura!

I told you to stay near me.

Gil, stop playing with Laura.

Uh, she's a lovely child. Is she yours?
Come on.

Ah, Americans?

Welcome to transylvania.

I am mayor lepescu.

Enjoy our shops.

Enjoy our food.

Enjoy our way of life.

And be sure you
attend our annual wine

festival known the
continent over.

Great, we can get drunk together.
When is this wine festival?

It begins tomorrow.

And lasts as you Americans
say: "Till the cows go home"!

I never say that, do you.

Never.

I say itonce in a
while, but I certainly

don't say it in anything
other than a whimsical way.

If you want to know my name, I'm...

- Elizabeth Ellison.
- Elizabeth Ellison.

I know.

Uh, listen, Elizabeth, um, I'm
not staying at this, uh, hotel.

I'm staying in another hotel.

Can I call you by any chance?

Would you, uh, like
to do something?

Or would you like to go out
for dinner or something?

I'm Jack Harrison, by the way.
I'm sorry.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you also.

Look, I'll only be in
town a couple of days.

So am I. I'm just
here a couple of days.

Mommy, where's our room?

We're going there now, honey.

Hang on. I'm going to be right back.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

Hi, I'd like to ask you a question.

This is just between you and me.
Yes, sir.

Is there anything
happening around here?

I see... you want a woman?

No, no, no, no.
Has there been any trouble?

Any strange goings on?

Strange?

You're looking for
something kinky?

No, no, no, no.
Let me, let me put it this way.

I've heard stories.

Stories? About us?

I mean Frankenstein.

Who?

Frankenstein.
You know Frankenstein, don't you?

Frankenstein? Yes! The monster.

That Frankenstein.

N uta! 0, ho, ho

yes, uncle?

Have you seen
Frankenstein lately?

Frankenstein?

I don't think so.

Oh, mayor.

No, don't bother the mayor.
Please don't.

This man is asking
about a Frankenstein.

Frankenstein?

Frank Sinatra.

I was asking about
frank Sinatra, really.

You understand the joke.

It was just a silly...
I was kidding.

Where... where have you been?
What's all this about?

Nothing. I asked the
clerk a simple question.

What kind of question?

I asked about Frankenstein.

What? - Frankenstein, okay?

I asked about Frankenstein.

I am sorry.

We're in town five minutes, and you
ask a pointblank question like that?

Should I have eased into it?
What do you think?

I'm sorry. I don't know.

Frankenstein.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, my friend was just kidding.

That's an American, uh, joke.
It's a big joke.

I know...

Oh no, wait.

This is transylvania.

You don't want to
ask us about Dracula?

Okay...

Or how about the "creature
from the black lagoon"?

Hey, I've got Godzilla
in the back room.

I like it. It's a good one.

How about the blob?

Hey! I haven't seen him.
But ask me about the blob!

You incredible asshole!
We are here five minutes,

make me the laughingstock
of transylvania.

They laughed at me, too.
Deservedly so!

Go, bring them to me.

Thank you.

Look, there's the castle.

Doesn't it have an
ominous aura about it?

"An ominous aura"?

Yeah.

Where's my wallet?

Wallet?

May I help you?

Hi, um. This is Mr. Harrison.
I'm Mr. Turner.

Ah, yes.

You are expected.

Get away from there.

Come on, get, get, stop!

Get away, stop, yeah.

Excuse me.

Get out of here.

Get away from there
you, you fool!

You, you, you stupid idiot!

No, you, you, you idiot!

Oh, it's good.

Ouch!

You, you go there.

Don't judge this hotel by me.

I'm just the token brute.

Token brute? - Yeah, here.

Is good, huh?

Is funny!

Oh, there, uh, eh, heh?

Is funny!

Yeah, come.

The owner would like
to have you for lunch,

figuratively speaking.
Haha, of course.

If you need anything,
my name is fejos.

Fejos. - Fejos.

Agele... I'm sorry.
Is that your last name?

No, no.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

We don't speak...

Transylvania.
Do we have a phrase book?

Is good? - Is good.

It's very good. - Is good, eh.

Is good, huh?

Is good? - Uh, I guess.

My friends, we are expecting you.

The mayor?

Yes. I am also the
owner of the castle.

Ah, many hats, huh?

As you Americans say:
"Nothing wrong with making a buck."

That's all.

Later, we shall eat.

But first, let me show
you to your rooms.

Great.
Uh, I, I can show them, huh?

Fine, fejos.

Let me show you to your rooms.

Good, ha? - Ha?

Easy. - Very good.

Eh, is good, ha?

He's got a million of them.
Yeah!

You're going to love it here.
= careful.

And for you,
a little orange juice,

maybe a little blue juice,
a little pineapple juice.

The coffee's not ready yet.
Thank you.

This is a theme hotel.
It's a little like Disneyland.

Only, of course, it is
themed transylvanian lore.

When your editor wired
that you are coming,

I welcomed the
opportunity to show

that there are no
scary monsters here!

The only monster
is the phone bill.

Do you expect a lot
of business here?

Ooh, as you Americans say:

"We'll have to beat
them off with a rake"!

Radu.

Yes, master.

This is Mr. Turner.

Hello, master.

And this is Mr. Harrison.

Hello, master.

Well, he's a cute
little fellow, isn't he?

He's part of the whole story.

That is why I have hired
people like him and fejos.

Well, they have that
certain transylvanian flair.

Uh, we're ready for lunch, rad...

Yes, master.

I'm busy now. I'm busy.

Ok, uh, get ready.
I need the grapefruit.

What do you want?
The grapefruit.

I'll get it. - I'll get it.

I'll get it. - I'll get it.

All right.

I'll get it. We just need three.

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Okay, then we get the bowls.

I'll cut the grapefruit.

You don't cut anything.

All right. I want help you.

Okay.

What is this?

Ah, that's lemon
juice for the tea.

Stay away from me.

Okay, let's see we got the
sandwiches over there.

We got the butter over there.
Everything is here and there.

I know that. - Yes, master.

I am not your master.
You are my wife.

But I'm your wife, master.

Go away, lupi.
I cannot stand subordinates.

Neither can il. I'll stay away.

Did you miss me?

Let go.

Let me help. - I said let go.

Ok, take it.

I've got it.

Now, what are you going to do with it?
Hand it to you.

What is this for?

It's for you.

You are such a lowlife...

Okay...

Is this right?

Don't be a noitch.

I just want to make
everything perfect

for you because you deserve it.

Once and for all,
stay away from me.

Don't touch me. Leave me alone.

Okay.

Maybe later.

I'll be lewd when you come back.

I ewd?

Lunch, young masters.

I prepared it all myself.

How nice.

You... you want cream?

Is good. You cream, eh.
No, no, no, thank you.

Smell, is good.
I can smell it fine.

Is fresh. - It's very fresh.

Take it out of there.
Oh, but it's, it's good.

Thank you. - No cream?

Eh, sugar?

Now, this good. This nice.
Very nice.

You smell there.

Smell it. Is good.

Here... this good.

Smell this.

Smell everything here.

Here.

Smell this. Smell the glass.

That's good.

Fejos.

They're very nice. - Eat, eat.

You got it in your eye.

Just a little bit.

Heh, do it again.

Here, phone.

Transylvania 6-5000.

Mayor, it's for you.

Hello. Ow! The phone bit me.

Hey, did you hear the one
about the surgeon with lobotomy?

No, the surgeon with lobotomy?
Yeah.

You don't "lo-bother-me,”
I don't "lo-bother-you."”

yeah, it's funny, ha?

What do you want?

I have to do my work.

Your work is my work.

I have no time.
Your time is my time.

I have to get the mints.
= I'll get them.

No. - Yes.

No. - Yes.

No. - Yes.

No. - Yes.

No. - Okay.

Kiss goodbye?

I'll keep it warm for you.

Mints, master? =no.

Mints, master? = no thanks.

Mints, master? =no.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid
I must go into the town.

But, uh, feel free to
inspect the castle.

Sure you will find no
ghouls lurking about.

May I suggest something?

You do suggest
something, you baboon.

Give me a break.

I'm going to start
working the story, okay?

I say we go to town, check
out the local papers,

hit the chapel.

Ah, one o'clock.

I'm late.

Frankenstein!

Hello!

Anybody here?

These old chandeliers have
a tendency to give way.

Who are you?

I'm inspector percek.

A better question is
what are you doing here?

I heard they were
having a novena.

Novena?

Isn't this our lady
of perpetual sorrow?

No.

I must be in the wrong church.
Excuse me.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've been working pretty hard.
But listen...

I don't have time right now.
I've got some time off.

And, uh, I was wondering,
could we have dinner tonight?

I've got... hey, hey...
= oh, oh!

Who are you talking to?
What are you doing?

You don't knock?

I got to knock?

It's impolite to into a
person's room without knocking.

Okay, okay, whatever you want.
You want to know what I'm doing?

I'm sorry. I was interrupted...

By a wind.

So what about tonight?

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

I knocked.

You didn't wait for
"who is it?" And...

Oh, now, I got to wait for "who is it?"
How long is this...

Out, out, out.

Well, no, you can get a
babysitter at the hotel.

No, no, no. I'm sure they have one.

Or, you know, Laura seems so
capable, she's very grown up.

You've got to say "who is it.”

Excuse me, hold on one second.
Gee.

All right, who is it?

Wait till I'm outside. - Right!

I'm sorry.

Elizabeth, are you there? Hello?

Hello?

Why didn't you say "who is it"?
I might, if you...

I mean, I knocked!
1 know it's you.

It's boring already.
What's your news?

My news, in case you're interested...
= I'm not really.

The editor of the local
paper was very close-mouthed.

Did you check any
of the back issues?

Yes, I don't understand this.
I'm very suspicious.

There wasn't even a hint
of any tourist scares.

Of course, it's a real paper.

Their editor doesn't fall for
stupidity like, uh, other people.

I did find one small
item about a Dr. malavaqua

who lost his license to practice
medicine, thank you very much.

So what? My doctor lost his
license to practice medicine.

Yeah, but maybe that malavaqua
was delving into the unknown.

Maybe he was traversing
uncharted territory.

Maybe... - Maybe? No, no, no.

You've got nothing there.
Don't you get that?

There's no story there.

What is this "maybe"?

Just the same, I want to
go to the old age home.

I want to investigate. = fine!

You want to investigate,
that's great.

Just don't make up anything.

Don't make up stories.

I never made up a
story in my life.

Uh, please don't hit me.
And what about your first job?

Your father told you to find
people who look like their pets.

I did. - No, you didn't.

You found people who look like
animals and gave them pets.

That's called initiative.
What about you?

You don't know what
reporting means.

Did you check out the castle?
Uh, yeah, Gil. There's nothing.

Just rooms.

Just what I saw.

Nothing. Oh, oh, okay...

I go to check out the chapel.

If this isn't suspicious,
the chief of police tried to kill me.

I just came from there.
Yeah, yeah, sure, Gil.

That's what the police in
this town are looking to do.

Uh, uh, where are you
getting that from?

You know, you really are
just like your father.

Your job is about writing
down what you see.

Don't you start about my father.
Usually, they exist.

He's the one paying our checks!
He paid for us to come here.

Stop it. I'm not going
to listen to this again.

You're so childish.
Hum, hum, hum...

You really are a baby. - Hoohoo.

Hum, hum. You're sick.

Come in.

Hey, I got a message for you.
=-from whom?

Some old, uh, gypsy
man delivered it.

Here, here.

No, no, no. Not now!
Is good, ha?

No, it's not good now.
Is good...

It's bad time. - Why?

Goodbye. We're busy. - No, wait.

I, I want to show you something!
Now, get out.

Wait! = qut!

Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Ha?

Is good, ha? =no.

Eh, weh? - Goodbye.

What? - Goodbye.

Out!

God that man is pathetic.

What does this say?

"Laughter conceals fear.

And the wheel of
truth has many spokes.

The answer you seek lies
with madame morovia."

Gypsies.
Now, we're getting somewhere.

A touch of the old world.

Ll ife has run its course.

But as the rain enters the sea...

So tears surround
with a predestined hand.

Existence is to be absconded
with eternal consciousness.

We cannot tell where
the path leads.

But the impossible, sometimes,

permits itself the
luxury of occurring.

How can we truly preserve the
universe beyond the sphere?

The allegory of a physical mouth is
for the spiritual one to understand.

Excuse me, madame morovia. We were...
=l see a creature.

Not the one you seek.

The creature walks
as a man by day,

but as the full moon
rises, he becomes a wolf.

He is a werewolf.

Werewolf?

You must find him.

Destroy him and put
him out of his torment.

Why are you telling us this?
Why don't you go to the police?

They laugh at me as
they laugh at you.

Where do we find this werewolf?

He goes by the name
of Lawrence malbot.

He is my son.

Your son?

I pray that his
suffering will end

and his soul rests
in eternal peace.

I sleep now.

Uh, I don't think she
has any more to tell us.

Ll ife has run its course.

This is my contribution to
journalism waiting for a werewolf.

Let's go inside and
ask him some questions.

Sure. What are we going to ask him?
Uh, how often do you shave?

Are you a loner?
Or do you go out in a pack?

Maybe we should wait.

Did you see that?

He looked up at full moon.

So what?

Come on.

You hear that? A wolf.

Wait.

I think he stopped moving.

Who are you?

Who sent you? My wife?

Oh, my god. I'm terribly sorry.
We thought you were an animal.

He is.

Come on. - Not now, Larry.

The magic is gone.

Uh, you had to shine that
flashlight right on his ass.

You embarrassed
the hell out of me.

Who knew we'd run right
smack in the middle of it?

Do you make that much noise
when you're having sex?

I don't remember because
I've been here too long.

Where are you going?
Uh, I got a lead.

Sure, you do.

You just get some sleep.

Tomorrow, go and
see that doctor.

When you don't find anything,
I'm wiring Mac that, uh,

Frankenstein doesn't
live here anymore.

And get the hell out of my room.

A lot of hostility, Jack.

Can I offer you more wine?
Oh, no. No, thank you.

So what was I saying?

Oh, uh, you were running from
your ex-husband and, uh, whatnot.

I wasn't really, you
know, running away.

It's just that he
keeps bothering me.

Oh.

He wasn't too happy when
I got custody of Laura.

And then he got violent.

Do you know that I had
to pick up a wine bottle

and smash him over
the head with it

just so I could
get away from him?

Bad news.

He gets me so mad!

He's like a nut when
things don't go his way.

Sounds like...
Oh, what a lovely couple.

Are you local people or
just pissing through?

Ah, we are just “pissing”
through, I think.

Uh, well, um, actually,
I'm from New York.

New jork!

We know that one, of course.

“New jork." Hit it boys.

Start spreading the news.

I'm leaving today.

Hey, come on, boys.
Pick up the tempo!

They have a great, uh, they
have a great video of this.

Have you seen the video?

I want to be a part of it.

New jork, new jork.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Such a happy people with
their "new jorks, new jorks."

But hey! Enough about me.

I can't imagine what you
could be investigating here.

Oh, neither can I. No, no.

Don't, I... I don't
want to talk about it.

No, no, no. Just tell me,
tell me, tell me, tell me.

Actually, I'm investigating,
um, uh, Frankenstein.

I know, I know. It's my sort of point.

You asked. I'm sensitive about it.

You mean, the monster? The rrrh!

With the bolts and the elevated...

I'm gone. - Um, are you kidding?

Who's there?

Who is it? Who's here? Who is it?

Jack! Jack!

Jack! - What? What?

What's the matter?
What happened?

I think there's
something in this room.

Where? What?

There's nothing in here.
=I don't know.

I don't know. May...
Maybe it went out the window.

Maybe?

It's morning already.

There's nothing out there.
=I don't know.

What did you see?
= I'm not sure.

Uh, I think it was some sort
of a creature or something.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You smell perfume?

Yes.

I know what's in this room.
What?

The creature from estee lauder.
You're joking, but I'm nervous.

It's jet lag.

Go back to sleep.

The facts, Gil! The facts!

The facts.

The facts.

Let him spend a
night in this room.

He thinks... is that a bomb?

What's that? What is that?

Here.

What's that? What?

No, it's no... nothing.

What have I done?

Do over here.

Now, do over here.

Now, do over there.

Lupi, leave me alone.

Right.

Do over here.

Now, do over here.

Lupi. - What?

I said leave me alone.

I'm helping you.

Ah, you big lug.

Ah, radu. Yes, master?

Have you seen the mayor?
Yes, master. He's at breakfast.

Why do you call me master?

That's what you are.

No, no, no, no. My name is Gil.

Call me Gil.
I could not do that.

Oh, sure you can.
Go ahead. Now, try it.

Geh

hello, Gil.

Yes, Gil.

Tha... that's fine.
Call me, call me master.

Thank you, master.

Ah, Mr. Turner.

Good morning. - Good morning.

Eqg?

Cute. No, thank you.

I sort of pack them in,
as you Americans say.

They're standing in the aisles.

Mayor, are we the only
guests in the hotel?

Sure. Eh, this contractors.

We don't open officially
yet for another month.

Why?

I don't know.

L... 1 thought I saw
someone in my room.

I guess I was just dreaming.

This castle can do it to you.

First night I slept here...

I thought I saw Dracula.

That's funny.

Are you and youru
partner having breakfast?

No, he's still asleep.

If you see him, tell him I'm going
into town to check on some things.

Oh, yes, sure.

Hey! - What?

I want to show you something.

Jeez, you scared
the hell out of me!

Wait, wait, here. Here.
I got to get...

No, no, wait! I don't have time.

I want to show you.
Here, here, wait.

See?

Here.

Oh, it's a beautiful day today.

Hey, hey. Are you okay?

What the hell? - No, I fine.

You.

I want you to try. Here.

Here.

No, no, no, no. I've got to go.
=you do it!

Is good. Go, you be...
=you're insane!

Hey!

You can do it!

Hey!

Okay, we run!

Radu.

Yes, master.

I want you to be sure no
one goes in the guest rooms.

Yes, master.

Hi. Yes?

I'd like to see Dr. malavaqua.

Only relatives of the
guest are allowed to visit.

I can't even see the doctor?

He only sees people
by appointment.

Oh, okay, fine.
I'll make an appointment.

He is not making
appointments at this time.

I see.

Ok, thank you for your help.

Hi, ladies.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Have a nice day.

Run! Run!

I ook!

It's Frankenstein!

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

This film must be destroyed.

Old age home... nothing!
All those disabled people.

There's something going.
I don't know what.

I don't know. Why all that security?

I said okay, but when we see the
police, you do the talking.

Hi

I can well understand
your Frankenstein fixation.

After all, you are
in transylvania.

But in your own country...

They still seek to write lurid
stories about your Jesse James

or your dillinger.

That was a long time ago.

That is my point.

The sinister image of transylvania
is our "long time ago."

If you want to write about us,

write about a happy transylvania.

Our new sewer system.

Our skyscraper...
Six floors, you know.

Our newspaper didn't send us all
this way to write about a sewer.

We can't have you
bothering Dr. malavaqua

with your ludicrous questions.

He's a busy man.

Oh, really?
Is that why his license was revoked?

Now, come on.

This line of
inquiry is fruitless

and beyond your concern.

We must bid you a good day.

What about all the people...
We're going now.

What about them?
Thank you very much.

Fine, fine.

Goodbye. - Goodbye.

And you are too serious.

You must learn to frolic.

Take up dance. Who knows?

You could be another
Dean Astaire.

Did you happen to catch the look on
their faces when I mentioned malavaqua?

Okay, so they don't
want to talk about it.

They're hiding something.
I don't believe that percek.

All right. I got a few free hours.
Let's go.

Where?

To see that doctor and,
uh, get a second opinion.

All right.

Get down.

Get up.

Get down.

Come on.

Get up.

The guard isn't there.
Why did you get down?

I got into a rhythm.
What? Get up.

Now, that's a coincidence.

We just talked to percek and
the mayor about the doctor.

Next thing we
know, they're here.

I'd like to know what's
going on in there.

Come on, maybe we can
get in through the back.

Okay.

What's this?
This is a chance to break in.

You climb over this gate.

One arm.

If it's our chance,
why am I breaking in?

You look more like a mental case.
Very funny. You know, I'm scared.

What if this is electrified?
Here.

There, see? It's not electrified.
Now, climb the gate.

What if the guard sees me?
Just go.

Okay, okay...

Uh, patient trying to get out!
Patient trying to get out!

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, you!

Please!

Where do you think
you are going?

Get back in there.

You are new here?

Didn't you get your
observation today?

Later. Get back to work.

Why this renewed concern
about my experimenting again?

Two reporters have been inquiring
about, uh, Frankenstein monster.

Frankenstein?

That's ridiculous.

Yes.

That's what I told them.

Your friend hunyadi
is the only one

who might fit that
bizarre description.

And you assured me
that he is deceased.

May I see his file?

Certainly, inspector percek.

I filled out the death
certificate myself.

And these others...
Patrick Glenn...

Odette Barlow, John vlad.

All dead as well? - Yes, sir.

Ooh, you seem to be
in a roll, malavaqua.

I enjoy these little visits.

They relieve me of the
burdens my job can bring.

Transylvania 6-5000.

Fejos, could I
please speak to rad...

Radu!

Where are you? Here.

Yes, master.

Radu, are you alone?
Yes, master.

Please, rad...

Go to the laboratory and make
sure that hunyadi is there.

He may be on the loose again.

Yes, master. - Thank you

Jack! I found out something.
How the hell do I get out of here?

Simple. Go to the front
and climb over the wall.

Take off the robe.
Are you crazy?

The guard out front knows me.

Trust me. - Uh, yeah.

How come I always have
to do the trusting?

Are you a middle child? - Yeah.

So?

Go!

Man trying to get in!
Man trying to get in!

Hey! Hey! You!

It's you again!

I told you before,
you couldn't come in.

Now, get out!

Stay out!

That was brilliant.
But don't do that to me anymore.

I'm anxiety prone.
Okay, did you get anything?

Or did I waste my expertise
on dilly-dallying.

Listen to this. Malavaqua called
that little weasel at the castle.

Which weasel? = rad...

He works for the doctor.
They're anxious to find hunyadi.

And get this, they're
supposed to go to the lab.

Who's hunyadi? And what lab?
=I don't know.

But with all this
subterfuge and double talk,

you got to admit
we're on to something.

Maybe.
Maybe? I got a "maybe" out of you?

Come on, let's go back to
the castle and see rad...

Okay, you go.
And I'll meet you there later.

Why aren't you going?

I'm going to a picnic.

Picnic?

It's a lady doll.

Just as I thought.

Malavaqua has played
me for a fool.

Put this in my car.

Fvidence.

I love you so much and everything.

I wanted to help you because...

Hi!

Where is radu? =no.

No radu. - No rad...

Hey, you come in here.

What are you doing in there?
= no, it's nice.

Come in here.
Don't! Don't pull me.

Radu?

Boo! - Oh!

My god. - Do not be afraid.

Afraid?

My name is odette. - Great.

Listen.

They are the children of the night.

They're doing it out in the daytime.

They make beautiful
music, don't they?

The sound like wolves to me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Have you been in my room at night?

Did you want to hurt me?

I do not.

Bite you, yes.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute...
I love you.

Great, great, okay.
I want to kiss you.

Can't we have lunch
first or something?

Put your hands on my hips.
Okay...

Put your arms around me.

Put your face to my breast.

Tell me you want me, too.

Speak to me, baby. - I'm trying!

Oh, I want you so bad, it hurts.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like that.

I want do to it some more.

Oh, that hurt!

Who is it?

I better see who it is. Okay...

Don't come in.

Oh, come on now.

Wait a minute.

Aha.

Hey! Is fast!

What are you doing here?

I'm meditating.
Did you see Dracula?

Yah, yah. When it first came out.

Not the movie! The person.

Never mind. Never mind.
No, no, wait!

Hey, I want to
show you something.

Oh, my god! Are you okay? Look!

Poor thing.

Radu!

Yes, master.

Is hunyadi in the lab?
I have no time to check.

I'm being followed, master.

Radu, you're my friend
for 20 years. I love you.

Please, don't call
me master anymore.

Yes, ma... - That's good.

Master.

Well, maybe next time. Let's go.

Thank you, radu.
You're very kind.

You two are both
so helpful to me.

Well, I'm all ready.

Let's get to work.

It's good to be home.

My friends.

Pompous percek.

He thinks I'm satisfied with
just playing with white mice?

Iitzy to fritzy, mitzy to fritzy!

He thinks he can snuff
out the creative genius

of the great victorio malavaqua?

Mitzy, vitzy! Mitzy and vitzy.

Shut up, you lowlife! =I'm low.

I'm lower. - Yes!

Yes!

How dare they make
fun of my father.

My father was a great scientist.

He devoted his whole
life to try to cure

the common cold by
injecting foreign viruses.

And instead of being
honored for that...

He's remembered as the man
who brought herpes to sicily.

Don't worry, papa.

My work will clear the
name of malavaqua forever!

Hunyadi!

Do not know.

I don't know either!

I tell you two to
keep an eye on them!

And he's out scaring the
hell out of everybody!

It's difficult working two jobs.

Sure!

It's more important to
feed those pigs upstairs!

How dare they turn
this magnificent castle

into a haven to
titillate tourists!

I hate it! - You hate it what?

I hate it a lot!
You hate a lot, what?

You hate it a lot, master.

I hate it a lot, master.

That's better. - Thank you.

You're welcome.
You're welcome, what?

You're welcome, master.
= shut up, you two!

You matrimonial masochists!

You found each other, but
you can't find anybody else!

What are you laughing at?

The joke is on you, you
stupid... get to work!

This place is a mess! Clean up!

Wash up! Clean up the floors!

I got to work. Where's my notes?

I got to get my notes!

Lupi, radu,
please, don't work so hard.

Sit down. Take a rest.

This is your coffee break.
Sit down, please.

Relax. Go ahead.

That's nice. That's nice.

Would you like some Espresso?
No, thanks.

Okay...

Are you crazy?

What the hell are you doing? Get up!

When there's so much of work
to do, you sit down on a job?

What do you take me for? A sucker?

Odette?

Where's... - Where's odette?

Where's my odette?

What am I running here?
An outpatient clinic?

I have to let them
do what they want.

They are my masters.

What? Is everybody your
master, you cockroach?

I'm not.

Shut up!
Now, you're both going to get it good.

You want to get it good?

Wait, wait.

You're favorite. He, she is still here.

Believe me.

My favorite.

My favorite's here?

Quick, quick.

Well, check up on the animals.

I've got to see how my
experiments are coming up. Quick!

My experiments. My favorite.

Alive. Alive.

Alive. Alive.

Dead. - I know that.

All right. = alive.

Alive. Alive.

Dead. - Alive!

Dead. - He's alive!

Come on.

Come.

Come on.

Dead!

Seven alive, two dead.

Seven alive, two dead.

Soon you'll be perfect,
my favorite one.

Does this hurt?

Does this hurt?

Does this hurt? Does this hurt?

Good, everything hurts.

It's time to get to work.

Do you want to wait
for lightning, master?

I don't work with lightning.
I hate it! Ptchoo!

I work with all this other shit!

Look, Elizabeth, we're both,
uh, really on vacation now.

I et's look at life as adults.

We're alone in
unfamiliar territory...

Sharing the same,
uh, environment...

Sharing the same air.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

That's okay, I'll wait.

You want some?

No, thanks.

Jack, Jack, Jack!

I've been looking
all over for you. Hi!

Hi. - What is it now?

Uh, can I talk to you alone? I'm sorry.
No, no.

Go ahead, Jack.

I got to go find Laura before
she wanders too far off.

Sorry, Elizabeth. Thank you.

This better be good. - Okay.

This better be good.

I was following radu,
when out of nowhere,

I was accosted by a lady Dracula.

She was half-naked and she
nearly swallowed my face.

What? Is she here? Here?

Here, here. You know, Gil.

I don't blame you anymore.
I blame myself.

I'm the one who came along
in this misguided mission.

No. It's not.
The infantile stupidity.

First the chief of
police attacks you.

He did. The thing swang by my face.
I'm sure, it swang by your face.

Yeah. Then we go to a gypsy camp.
Some phony gypsy camp.

It's the story of your life.
That was a legitimate lead.

Turns us both into peeping Toms.

And last night, the avon lady strikes.
Oh, it's so spooky.

The minute you come in, she's gone.
Right when you...

And now, today, a woman,
uh, eats your head.

Not a woman. The same woman!
What are you trying to do?

You want to kill me? You want to kill you?
No, I love you, Jack.

You love me?
If this is love, hate me, please,

because I hate your guts.
1 don't hate you.

For 35 years,
I've washed your clothes.

Don't choke me like that.

Listen to your stories.
I've put up with your crap.

No, frank, come on!
That's too tight!

Now, we're here, I'm
going to wring your neck.

No, Elizabeth!

Laura! I aura!

Okay, okay.

Get up.

I swear you'll kill me.
You okay?

Okay. - Fine.

Fine? You okay? = I'm fine.

Okay.

Were you angry?
Good. Was I angry?

Were you angry? - Was I angry?

Yes. - No I wasn't angry.

Why did you do that? - Why?

Yeah. - Here, look!

What are you doing?
Get him off me.

I aura?

I aura!

Laura, it's your mommy!

I aura!

Jack! I can't find Laura. What?

What happened?

Where did you go?
Which way did she go?

Laura! Make a circle.

Laura!

I aura!

I aura!

I aura!

I aura!

My god, where is she?

Look, this area is too much.

Go to town and get the police.

No, I want to
stay here and look.

No, somebody has to go to town.

Then him?

He can cover more
ground than you can.

Go ahead.
Don't worry. We'll find her.

Okay. - Okay.

But I'll be right back.

Go that way. Yeah.

I aura!

I aura!

I aura!

I aura!

Help me! Help me!

Somebody help me!
Help me somebody!

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help...

I aura!

Jack!

Gil, where are you?

Down, boy, down.

Eh, can we talk?

Can you talk?

The wolfman.

Jack!

Do you believe me now?

Take me home!

Did you see him?

Who?
The wolfman grabbed my friend.

Tell it to the marines.
No, no. He attacked me.

Arrest him. - What?

Meddling in police affairs.
No, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's a little girl
lost in these words.

And these woods are
full of god knows what.

It's getting out of control.
What are we going to do now?

Now, we are going
to the wine festival.

The wine festival? At a time like this?
Take him away.

Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What are you doing?

Inspector percek,
don't you think it's time

that we alert the townspeople
to the danger surrounding us?

That's exactly
what we must not do!

Don't forget, when
we were children,

the streets echoed with
cries of Frankenstein!

People boarded up their homes.

Women and children
were afraid to go out.

That must not happen again.

He'll be all right, master.
I gave him a shot.

Why did you bring him here?

All right!
Back off that growling crap!

I've been trying to listen here!

He's okay.

Now, why did you bring
this guy here, huh?

I couldn't get the
dude off my back.

What were you doing
out there to begin with?

I was taking a whiz.

Why did you attack
that other guy?

He scared me.

He scared you?

You look like this!

And he scared...
Get the hell out of here!

Get him back in the cage
before I send him to the pound!

Hey, doc, you know, I think
I like the pound better.

You ungrateful bonehead!

Come here, come here!
Let me pull that thing off!

You can't get me in here.

Dig your frizzy hairdo, doc.

Hey, hey, hey, you pretzel!

Hey, twisto! Come over here.
= twisto.

How come you grabbed this
reporter by the cojones?

He stepped on me.

He stepped on me!
He stepped on me!

Come on, doc. Over here.
Shut up!

Up yours, hairy!

I'll tear every bit of hair
you have out of your ass.

Now, you all had your
nice little excuses,

and I'm the one
who's in the soup!

Now, what am I going to do what
this, uh, this meddling reporter?

Don't hurt him, please?

My bloodshot beauty speaks up.

She doesn't want me to hurt him.

What do you want?
A quickie before dinner?

I want him.

I need him. I love him.

Oh, oh, I love him
so much, it hurts.

What do you know
about love, nymphonies?

If I didn't have you chained to the
wall, no man in this town would be safe.

Stop that! I'm your doctor!

Get against the wall!

Now, listen to me, all of you.

The police are breathing
down on my neck.

From now on, I don't want
anybody to leave this lab.

You hear? Anyone!

And you, you infectious
incompetent bug,

you have any idea
where hunyadi is?

I have a hunch.
I know you got a hunch!

But you know where hunyadi is?

I do. He's in the abandoned stable.

Well, go find him. Quick!

How long are you going
to keep me in here?

It could be...
How do you Americans say:

"Until the cows come home.”

Sorry.

Elizabeth. What did you do?
Your daughter... stop.

Why did they put you in here?

Where's Laura?
And where's your friend?

Well... - Answer me!

Okay, okay.
And where are all the police?

That I can answer.
They took the night off.

They took the night off? = yeah.

What kind of a place is this?
They should be out there

looking for my daughter.
They're at the wine festival.

The wine festival. - Yeah.

Then I'm going there
to beat a few heads.

Well, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Hey, I'll meet you in town.

Madame morovia, I got to talk to you.
It's urgent.

I didn't believe your story before
about the wolfman, but now I do.

When the full moon rises...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never mind that.

We followed Lawrence
malbot under the full moon.

But he turned out to be a
guy making out with a girl.

That was my husband.

He is a wolf.

My son is the wolfman.

Oh, okay, well, where is he?
He's got my friend.

There's a child missing.

The answer lies in
the secret passageway

under the bridge of the castle.
Bridge?

Jump off and swim
to the embankment.

There's no water under there.
Then don't jump off.

Walk under it, and
you will find a door.

I sleep now.

Full house.

You got him! You got him!

Shut up! I'm working.

I knew you could
do it all along.

I'll get the rope.

I feel like throwing up.

I think he's throwing up.
Yuck! Monster breath!

And take this! Take this!

Take it again! Take it again!

He's weakening.

Call his mother!

I got him! I got him!

You big bully.

Now, your knees are
in a lot of trouble.

This... this is cowww caca.

You lumping monster!

My gloves! My gloves! My gloves!

Are you alive?

I had better days.

Move over.

Nice.

Okay...

Come on, now. Hold on.

We got to hurry.

It's so good to have you
back where you belong.

Look at your ears.

They're completely rusted.

I've got a lot of
work to do on you yet.

Yes, master.

And when you're finished
with him, you can help me.

Me! Me! Me!
All you ever think about is "me"!

You're right, master.
I will not talk of me anymore.

How are you?

It's over.

You madman! What have you done?

Well, you, what are you
doing in my laboratory?

You killed him.
He's under sedation.

We took a pint of blood.
Ab positive.

Oh, oh, Gil, thank god.

Okay, malavaqua,
where's the little girl?

What a story.

Story?

There'll be no stories until
my experiments are completed.

Radu, attack!

Master, I've had enough
aggravation for one day.

I said attack! = all right.

Get him.

I got you now, you communist.

My, my, my pinkie!

Oh, thank you!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Help! Help!

God!

All right.

You want to play rough.

Take this!

Yah!

Time you've had enough, eh?

How about this one!

Where are you going?

Get the girl!

Come on! Come on, big guy!

You big... come on! No-good bum!

Never mind me.
Do something about malavaqua.

The only way to stop his madness

is to get him out of the lab.

Jack! Get him... get him out!
Get him out of the lab!

You rat! You would murder my work!

Oh, what have I done?

This is... this is embarrassing.

Are you... are you all right?

Who are you?
Would you like some Espresso?

Ra... radu, are you ok?

You son of a bitch!
I'll kill you, fart-butt!

And you're not going
to ruin my work!

Are you okay?

Are you sure you, uh,
wouldn't like some Espresso?

I could make some... for you!
I'll kill you!

I'll eat your eyeballs!

You no-good... ah! Ah!

Here, undo this. Let me go.
Oh, yes. Thank you.

Not my pants!
This belt! This belt!

Where is she, doctor?

It was hunyadi.

But he meant her no harm.

He just found her
wandering in the woods.

No harm? Her mother's in town,
worried sick about her.

Hold on. Hold on a minute.

Here she is. She's fine.

No, don't! Don't you... ugh!

Please, he's too strong for you!

Wait, wait!

I know where he's going.

He's taking the little girl to her mother.
We must get to town.

I'll explain everything
to you along the way.

Oh, yeah. I'm going into town.

I'm sleepy.

This I don't believe.

You're sitting
here, guzzling wine

while my daughter
is still missing.

Ms. Ellison, calm yourself.

We shall look for her
after the festival.

Oh, no. You get up!

And you look for her now!

What are you doing?
What's going on?

It's crazy!

Frankenstein!

The monster has returned!

She's dead!

He has my daughter!

Baby.

I aura.

I aura.

Mommy. - Baby!

Mommy. - Baby.

You're all right.

Don't let that monster get away.

His enemy is fire.

Light the torches.

Burn him.

Light the fire.

Stop! Stop! What are you, crazy?
Give me that thing!

Oh, gosh. How are you?
Are you okay?

Oh, we're fine.
Thank god, you're here.

You won't believe
what's been happening.

He's Frankenstein!

He must be destroyed!

He's not Frankenstein!

He is. Look at him!
No, please, please, everybody!

Listen to me!
This is not Frankenstein.

He's one of us.

That's Kurt hunyadi!

Nonsense!

This monster is one
of his experiments.

The product of a demented mind.

That's not true! = grab him!

He's got a demented mind! Not me!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
= don't listen to him.

This is a mistake.

Foreigners, they
know nothing about us.

Go get him!

This is a bad time.
Come on, get him!

Get back, or I'll cut you!

Back! - That hurts.

Oh, okay, come on!

Come on! You want to eat some glass?

Huh?

Go ahead. Go ahead!

Please, please, everybody!
You all got to hear something.

Let's hear what he has to say!

Yeah! Let's listen to him!

Yes, let's hear him out!

Yeah!

This man is Kurt hunyadi.

After a car accident,
his body was mangled

and he was partially paralyzed.

But some people
here in your town

couldn't stand the sight of him.

So they had him transferred
from intensive care

to your phony rest home.

Where I performed
reconstructive surgery.

Yes, with wire and
pipes and nuts and bolts.

What can I do?

They take the money...

That the government
gives them to fix him up.

And they put it in his pocket!

Yes!

Who would do such a lousy thing?

Who?

Yes! Who would do that?

Who?

It was your police
and your mayor.

They even ordered
Dr. malavaqua to pull the plug!

It was a compassionate decision.

But no, he wouldn't
listen to me.

And look at the
beast he created.

Are you going to take the word of a
madman and a fugitive from justice?

No! No! No! - I mean yes!

You should take the word.

Of course, not. - Take my word.

Gil! - Is he crazy?

He gets confused.

What? Are you crazy?
Shut up, old man!

These is stupid. Hey!

There, inside this car, more
of malavaqua's handiwork!

The proofs are those creatures!

You want these things
living in your town?

I ook at this!

Eating in your restaurants?
= no!

And what about this monster?

Wolfman! - Not the wolfman.

This is Lawrence malbot Jr.

That's Larry? - No, it's my son!

It is! Ltis! This is Larry malbot!

He has a rare condition
called hypertrichosis.

I started growing hair.

It grew. It grew.

It wouldn't stop growing.

I've been trying to give him
electrolysis treatments. Show them!

See?

I can go to the beach now.

Yes. But you see, unfortunately,
Larry's mother, madame morovia,

spread these lies about
Larry because, you see,

she is ashamed
that he is her son.

Junior.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Ah, you stink.

It's a mummy.

It's alive!

Radu, lupi, quick!

Come cut the bandages.

Okay, now.
Do you all remember ugly Hattie?

The girl had been
dipped in the ugly pond.

Remember how she used to look?
Show them.

That's enough.
So you keep her in a coffin?

Sick.

After the intensive
plastic surgery,

I had to keep herin a
high oxygen environment.

But now, she's
ready to come out.

She's beautiful. - Wait!

Wait, there's more.
I also gave her a body lift.

Bazoonkers!

I never counted on bazoonkers.

I am so content.

You should be. = don't look.

Very nice. Indeed.

But then your cosmetic
fakery deal is this...

Freak of nature.

This lowly, stooped-over
geek was allowed

to fornicate with
one of his own kind.

Just look...

At the offspring
created by such an ugly union.

Daddy, mommy!

Daddy, what is he
saying about me?

Now, wait a minute.

You can say all
you want about me,

but when it comes to my
son, I draw the line.

We've taken a lot of
garbage for a long time.

Yes, master. No, master.

And we've put up
with it, haven't we?

Yes, master.

We're sick and tired of it.

How dare you pick on my son?

And your wife.

My lovely wife.

Radu.

And we deserve some respect!

Stand up straight.

Radu, lupi, from now on,
I want to be good to you two all the time.

No, no, no, no. Just kidding.
I was just kidding.

I love you. I love you.

You were wohderful.

Me? If it wasn't for you, I'd be
investigating the transylvania

penal system from the inside.

However...

We're not going to be
needing this... anymore.

Odette, would you come on out?

No. - Okay, fine.

What are you doing sitting here?

Kiss me. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why don't you take
these out first?

You know why?

Because you're not a vampire.

Oh, I know.

But it gets me attention.

You don't need that
kind of attention.

Yes, I do.

I'm ugly.

How can you say that?
You're gorgeous.

Look at my nose.

Your nose is perfect.

I gave her a nose job.

You are beautiful.

No, I'm not. =you are.

I et's dance.

I'll lead.

Gill

I can't believe it!
Look at all this!

What a story!
But who the hell's going to believe it?

They'll believe it!

My father will have a field
day with these pictures!