Transylmania (2009) - full transcript

Dear sexy Draguta,
I'll be heading your way soon.

I still can't believe I convinced my friends
to do a semester in Romania

so we can
finally be together.

Oh, man,
I cannot wait to hook up

and do all those nasty, dirty
things that we IM'd about.

My friends think that you're gonna turn
out to be really fat and ugly,

but they're just jealous.

Anyway, you'll be meeting
them pretty soon,

so maybe I should tell
you a little about them.

First, we've got
Pete and Wang.

They're way into
avoiding stress.



Right now they're figuring out how
to get a semester supply

of stress reduction
out of the country.

You ready?

I think so.

Oh, boy.

Goddamn!
Holy shit, that hurts!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- It's in
- Okay.

Okay.

You ready?

It's just like
pooping in reverse.

Pete's
girlfriend's coming.

Her name's Lia.
She's a goody-goody.

She has
a twin sister, Danni.



She likes to party.

Danni, wake up.
Danni, wake...

Then there's
Newmar and Lynne.

She's really
into role-playing.

He's worried that she's a little out of his
league in the sex department.

Newmar, you just
take a homerun.

Hey, you're
supposed to come over here.

Oh! Okay.

Throw down the ball.

Whoa!

Now, kiss me.
Oh, yeah.

Lynne! Lynne, are you okay?

I'm okay, baby.
Come here!

I'm gonna give it to you.

Yes, you are.

And you know
that problem I had?

I'm pretty sure
it won't happen again.

That's great, baby.

I'm gonna give you
the best you ever had.

Uh-oh!

Then there's Brady.
He's a total geek.

Hey, what up, man?

Hey, my book
finally arrived.

This puppy's got the entire history of
Razvan University in it.

Do you know our school's
gonna be in a castle?

His roommate
Mike's a little confused.

Look at
the legs on that chick.

I'd like to have her riding me for a while,
if you get what I'm saying.

That's a guy, Mike.

What? No, it's...

No.

Then there's Cliff.

He was supposed to come with us,
but I don't know what happened to him.

Hey, I got it, all right?

What, do you think
I'm gonna rip you off?

Looks like we got a deal.

I just wanna
check the quality.

All right.

This is my top earner, okay?
Take care of her.

Okay?

Well, that's everybody.
Bye until we meet in Romania.

Holy shit!
Rusty?

Draguta, you got your camera
to work. I can see you.

I can see you, too, Rusty.

You look just
like your picture.

You look even
better than yours.

I've been working out.

Mmm, you are turning me on.

Oh, yeah?
What do you think about this?

Show me more.

All right.

I just got it waxed.
I hope you like it.

I would like to sink my
teeth into them buttocks.

Well, that's not all that's waxed, baby.
How's that for a haircut?

You are torturing me.

Yeah? What do you
think about this?

It's all for you.
It's all for you, Scandinavian...

...this is the room
that we have to...

How I want that U.S. penis.

- Sweet!
- Sweet!

So, Chapter 2.
"The castle became infested with vampires."

Whoa, did you say vampires?

I thought you were reading
a history of the university.

I am. "Vampires"
is what it says.

Actually, this book was written by
one of the school's professors,

Teodora Van Sloan.

Why would they have a school
in a creepy old castle anyway?

All right. If I could
continue reading this...

"In the Dark Ages, all feared
the vampires of Castle Razvan.

"The leader of the
bloodthirsty creatures

"was the ruthless vampire
king known as Radu."

No way.

Hey, Rusty, that guy
looks just like you.

What? I hate to tell you, but I'm
a lot better looking than this snowflake.

No, you really do
look just like him.

I didn't know that real vampires
were so fat and ugly.

Yeah? Well, do fat and ugly
guys have girlfriends that look like this?

Wow! She's your girlfriend?

Yeah, yeah.
Let me see.

She can't get enough of me.
We have sex at least twice a day.

How did you meet her,
you smelly bastard?

On the Internet.
She lives right by the castle.

Wait a minute. How have you had sex
if you haven't met her yet?

Hey, what's that all over
the screen? Do you see that?

Ew!

All right, guys.
Let me finish the story.

"Radu's great love was a human
named Stephania, a sorceress as evil as he.

"Together, they terrorized the countryside,

"feasting on the blood of the innocent.

"While Radu's love for
the sorceress brought him strength,

"it was also his
greatest weakness,

"a weakness that Victor Van Sloan,
the famed vampire hunter,

"sought to exploit."

Excellent.
The sun shall rise in exactly two hours.

Now, my boy, it is time
to execute my genius plan.

This plan is stupid.

You can't kill all those
vampires by yourself.

Of course not.

I will be captured,
and they shall find me with this.

Now, remember, you must
place the cart exactly where I specify.

"X" marks...

"X" marks the spot.

I know.

Exactly where I specify
because it is of the utmost...

I know.
"X" marks the spot.

What is this?

Do not touch that,
you witch.

It is too precious
for your filthy eyes.

"In Stephania's
arrogance,

"she walked right
into Van Sloan's trap,

"for the music box
was enchanted.

"Her soul left her body and was
imprisoned inside the box."

Van Sloan!

I am the greatest
vampire slayer of them all!

Oh, shit.

"As the music box
disappeared,

"Radu placed Stephania's
body in his secret crypt,

"vowing one day
to bring her back to life.

"Radu left Castle Razvan on a quest
to recover his true love's soul.

"The hunt for the music box
continues to this day."

Dude, that's it?
What happened to the vampire?

Wouldn't he
still be alive?

Yes, Pete, 'cause vampires
are real. And you know what?

I bet Van Sloan's ancestors
are still searching for that music box.

So, sort of like
a story with no ending.

I should have brought
my machine gun.

Reneau, bring me
the music box. Now!

Jewelry, charms, scarves.

Ohhh! Handsome.

You have stars
in your eyes.

You are in love?

Yeah, actually, I am.

Maybe locket for
your special girl?

How much for
this music box?

Where is it?
I lost it. Where is it?

Where is my...

Hmm. Must have been a big
Romanian bug or something.

Hey, Pete.
Look what I got.

Oh, Mr. Wang,
my good, good man.

A shampoo bottle.
Party.

So, who wants to get high?

I do. This guy.
Please, thank you.

Are you guys smuggling drugs?

Do you guys even know
what the drug laws are in this country?

Baby, baby, no one's gonna get caught
as long as everyone stays cool.

You guys in?
Oh, I'm in.

You know I don't do drugs.

Will you stop acting
like such a goody-goody?

I've seen where you have a tattoo.

Lia, can you just
live for once?

Okay, and why don't I tell Mom
you're trying to get me addicted to drugs?

It's pot. You can't
get addicted, you retard.

Hey, I found something super crazy
in the baggage car.

Ladies, you know
where to find us.

Peace out.

Lia! Hello.

Hey, Brady.

Can you believe
we're here in Romania?

I mean, I've heard it's
beautiful and all, but...

You're shutting...
Sorry, I got in your way.

Check these out, dude.
I wonder if the people inside are all naked.

Awesome.

No, no, no,
don't open that.

Mmm. Look at them titties.

Wow! That is one fine-ass
dead girl. Let's smoke.

Hey, gorgeous.

So, I was thinking about
the many different ways

that a guy can make a girl happy
when I happened upon this.

I bought you a present.

Oh, Newmar,
it's beautiful.

I love it.

I don't see a college.

Well, I'll just ask one of the
friendly locals about it, huh?

Excuse me, sir? Uh, yeah.
Can I get some directions from you?

Where you need to go?

We need to go to
the University Razvan.

What did I say?

So, excuse me,
Mr. Horse-driver-person.

Why are the townsfolk so
afraid of Razvan University?

For the last
several years,

girls have been disappearing in
the area around Razvan.

Oh!

Wait, what happened to them?

Some say a hideous monster roams
the castle grounds at night,

always searching
for the next victim.

That's such bullshit.

Believe it or not.

But I would stay inside the
Castle Razvan at night, if I were you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is it my imagination,

or is it that every time
somebody says "Razvan"...

I knew it! Every time
you say "Razvan."

Razvan!

Rusty, I'm about
to puke. Stop.

Hey, wait, guys.
Where's Pete and Wang?

Munchies eliminated.

Where'd everybody go?

We should have asked
what these were.

A local delicacy.

Sheep testicle
stuffed goat balls.

Two kinds of balls, huh?

Dude, that bike
is awesome.

Ever since the fall of Soviet Union,

there is one thing all Romanians
have dreamed of owning.

How much for those
American blue jeans?

Hey, guys!

Dean Floca.
You must listen to me.

- Teodora.
- You must shut down the school.

Close the school?

May I presume this has
something to do with vampires?

I have reason to
believe that Count Radu...

Radu, Radu, Radu!

He is coming back.
I am sure of it.

Professor Van Sloan,
I have been most understanding

because of your family's
long history with this castle.

But my patience
wears very thin.

You are making
a big mistake.

It looks a little
different in the brochure.

Hey, nice toss, dude.

As you can see,
we are busily setting up

for our annual back-to-school dance,

which is the night
after tomorrow.

And, yes, it is
a masquerade ball.

Follow me.

I didn't know about that.
I don't have anything to wear.

If you wear nothing, I don't
think anyone will complain.

- Hi, I'm Marin.
- Lynne.

Newmar, are you
listening to this crap?

What? She's just
talking to another guy.

I don't have to
worry about that.

I didn't know America
had such beautiful women.

Eurotrash.

Hello? Hello,
is someone here?

Where is that fool Reneau
with my music box?

Humans.

I have waited
500 years for this.

And I will NOT wait another century
for the Devil's Moon to rise again.

Are we there yet?

No.

Are we close?

Yes.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Shut up!

Welcome to Combat
and Self-Defense.

Does anyone have any
experience wielding a blade?

Ooh!

Yes.

Oh, I was co-captain of my
high school fencing team.

Let's see what you know.

Okay.

Over there.

Good.

Remember, class,
the best defense is surprise

and total domination
of your adversary.

Once you have your opponent
on the ground, you retrieve your stake

and you jam it
into their heart!

Now, getting through
the rib cage can be difficult,

so you’ll need
the aid of a mallet!

And of course, as a final measure
of safety... decapitation.

Questions?

Are we learning
to fight vampires?

Don't be silly.

Next, we'll be learning
what to do if your attacker

comes at you from a coffin.

You retrieve
your holy crucifix!

Castle Razvan.

Stephania, my love.

I have finally returned.

We must obtain fresh
blood for the ceremony.

I sense the box is within
these castle walls.

So, what do you think
of this for the ball?

Only freshman losers
go to the ball.

Oh, yeah? Well, where do
the cool kids like us go?

The vampire party.

Vampire party?

We all dress up like vampires,
drink, play games.

You should both come. Here.

Just don't invite
any losers.

Hey, what's going on?
What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.

I got three pair.

I got two.
Sweet.

Yo.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.
Can I come in?

Yeah.

- Nice boots.
- Thanks, man.

Getting ready for
the big date, huh?

Oh, yeah.

About an hour from now, I will be
having sex with an actual live person.

Cool.

Hey, Rusty.

You know that guy that Lynne
was talking to on the tour...

You know, I don't have
anything to worry about.

I mean, she's not gonna
cheat on me, is she?

Not unless you're lame
in the sack. Are you?

How'd you hear about that?

Dude, the whole
world knows.

Well, what should I do?

You just have to be
so great in the sack

that she forgets that any
other guy ever pumped her.

You know? I mean,
sometimes chicks,

they don't always like this
all the time, you know?

Sometimes they like a little bit of that,
you know what I mean?

Here, look.

Got something for you.
The Codex Eroticon.

A classic. Written
like 1,000 years ago.

Makes the Kama Sutra look like
Martha Stewart's prison notes.

Ooh! You know
what else I got?

These erotic comic books that I've been
working on in conjunction with my memoirs.

"Uncensored and raw"?

What?

You know what?
The book will do you.

I don't know about this.

Take the Codex Eroticon.
Please.

There's a legend that surrounds this
hallowed tome, Newmar.

They say that the moves contained
within are so powerful

that you can literally blow a chick's mind,

turning her into some
kind of raging nympho.

Is that true?

Well, that's what
Tony told me at the Twat-A-Rama,

and he would
never lie to me.

Thanks.

What are best friends for?

So, the guys are meeting
us both in the courtyard?

Yeah. How far away is town?

So, you and Pete, you're not, like,
super serious or anything.

You're probably gonna
break up with him, right?

No. Why would
you say that?

Because you guys
are just so different.

I mean, you said it yourself,
you don't have much in common.

We've only been
dating a month.

And I really do think
I can get him to stop partying.

Plus, he's so cute.

You're right.
He is cute.

- Yeah.
- He's cute.

Ladies!

Who's ready to go into town
and spend some jeans?

I have a whole list
of fun things to do.

There's an art gallery
and a ballet performance.

The ballet?

Wang, here's an idea.

Let's go into town
and get deeply wasted.

I don't wanna get deeply wasted.
I wanna take in some culture.

Class? Who'd like to go into
town and get deeply wasted?

I do.

You love art, Danni.

Lia, let loose. Come on.

Come on.

No, I don't wanna
go get wasted.

You know what, you guys
go and have your "fun."

- I won't wait up.
- All right.

Lia, come on. Lia.

Hop on. Come on, Danni.

Live to ride!

Let's do this.

It's denim time!

Chipmunk, I got something.

Another present for me?

No, a present for us.

Ooh!

The music box.

You have no idea how close
you have come to pure evil!

Where did you get
that music box?

From my mother.

Her mother gave it to
her on her wedding day.

And my mother gave it to me
just before she slipped into a coma.

I'm sorry about that.

Tell no one.

All right.

This is like reading
IKEA instructions.

So, your leg goes here.

Like this?
Yeah, yeah.

And my arm goes here.

Whose hand is this?

Oh! Not like that!

Newmar.

- Hello, cutie.
- Hi.

I'm Niobe, and these
are my friends, Mira and Asha.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Come up to our room.
We are having a party.

You ladies sound
very friendly.

Yes.

Come.

Why, yes,
Draguta, I... Draguta.

Draguta. Like pizza.

Yes, I will help you remove
that dress right now.

Oh!

Yeah, there's that big tree.

Why, yes. I will have sex
with you in person now.

Pair of jeans!

Have a good time, kids.

Fucking house.

Yes?

Dean Floca? Oh, man.

I think I got
the wrong house.

I'm looking for this
chick named Draguta.

You must be Rusky,
her computer boyfriend.

Draguta is my daughter.

Come right in.

All right.

Draguta,
your boyfriend's here.

Rusty?

Rusty, finally we
meet in the flesh.

Young love,
it is a beautiful thing.

Father, I am so happy.
He's perfect.

Rugby, come with me.
Just a little chat between us men.

See you in a bit,
smoochiekins.

I like to collect
torture tchotchkes.

And I keep them all
in proper working order.

Ahhh!

The iron maiden.

Say, why don't you
step into here?

Because it's full of spikes?

You've come back.

Oh!

I suppose by now you've learned
an important lesson

about not standing up my daughter?

Yes.

Oh!

This is Draguta's
new boyfriend, Rusby.

Thank you!

Ta-da.

I'm almost done
with the alterations.

What do you think?

I think it looks great.

Don't I look
sexy and evil?

Ow!

Hmm?

Ooh, I pricked
my finger on a pin.

What happened?

Stephania.
She has returned.

This is not my body.

What's that, baby?

I was trapped in this.

You! You set me free!

Well, you set me free, too.

What, are we doing
funny accents now, matey?

Come on. Let's go
back to bed, huh?

What? A woman as magnificent
as I would deign to touch you?

Well, we did just...

I mean,
I am your boyfriend.

Foolish boy. This body may
have been yours once, but no longer.

What's gotten into you?

The book.
The legends were true.

Finally I am free. Free to do
such dark, wonderful things!

What?

I feel weird.
What just happened?

You...

Nothing.

Everything's just fine. Yeah.

Say, why don't we go
meet your friends?

They sound like fun.

Yeah, right.

Have one of those d-bags
try to steal you away from me?

I'm not that stupid.

Look at the time.
I gotta go study.

I've got class
early tomorrow.

He's a keeper, this one.
Don't let him get away.

Don't you worry about that.

Okay, that's nice.
I'll see you later.

Stupid.
I feel so fucking...

Full body photo.
Send a full body photo.

What kind of a fucking moron
doesn't ask for a full body photo?

Oh, hey,
there's that Marin guy.

Those chicks look normal.
No humps.

Three at a time, he gets them, huh?
In a sweater like that?

Hey, Marin! Hey!

Where'd they go?

I'm the worst
sister ever.

You are the best
sister ever.

I'm not just drunk,
so you know.

No, me either.
I am not just drunk.

We've gotta tell Lia.
We can't do this behind her back.

Okay, we're gonna tell her.

She might be mad at first,
but she's gonna be fine.

That's hot.

Dude.

That guy says for two pairs
of jeans, he'll take us hunting.

Hunting?

Well, I'm kind of tired.

I don't wanna...

Apparently, this kind of hunting
is illegal in Romania.

Well, "illegal" is one
of my favorite words.

- You're okay?
- Yeah.

Okay, let's do it.

Dude, I'm pumped.

I bet we're gonna hunt
an endangered species.

Dude, I hope it's a panda.
They think they're so fucking cute.

Wait, pandas don't
climb trees, right?

I don't know, baby.

Get ready, Americans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Holy shit, dude, this is crazy.
Holy shit.

Here it comes!

Cliff?

Hey, Pete.

What's wrong?
You don't want to hunt no more?

Well...
That's a person.

Yeah.
Most dangerous game.

We went to
high school together.

How the hell
did you get here?

Got busted selling
counterfeit jeans.

No refunds.

Do you want to
hunt him or not?

Maybe we could chase
him around for a while.

How about we just, you know,
take him with us?

'Cause we've already
paid for him, right?

I don't know.
Risky for me.

Okay.

Another pair of jeans.
Jeans.

Hey, can I borrow some
of those jeans off you?

No, dude. I just spent some
serious denim to save your ass,

so, no, you can't
mooch off me.

Man, I don't
need your charity.

I'll shack up with some girl.
I got the perfect lie.

You still telling them you're
an international freedom fighter?

No, man.
This is Romania.

I tell them
I'm a vampire slayer.

Sure, that works.

Yo, Marin, dude. I saw you
with those hot chicks last night.

How'd that go?

I don't really remember.

I think we had an orgy.

Seriously?

You're white as a sheep. What, they fuck
you with a toboggan or something?

Weren't you there?

Dude... Come on, man,
call me next time. It's okay to share.

So cold. So cold.

Rusty,
you little douchebag.

How was the Internet
girlfriend thing last night?

Is she hot in real life?

Yeah, you kidding me?
She's a total fox.

You guys can't meet her, though,
because she's really shy.

Rusty. Hello. Hello.
Smoochiekins. Hello.

I got class now,
but I will see you later.

Holy shit.
That was her?

I had a hunch there was gonna be
something special about her.

Did you hump her?

Hey, did you see that fucking girl?
She's fucking hot, man.

Yeah? Well, freshman year,
Mike made out with a dude in Cancún.

You son of a bitch.
I told you that in confidence.

I was drunk.
I thought he was a chick.

Not so funny now,
huh, douchebag?

Well, I gotta go, you guys.
But just so you know,

I have an in on
some of the orgies

happening around
here in this castle,

and none of you
guys are invited.

So think about that next time
you're spanking your pud.

Later, dude-kisser.
Yeah.

Don't ask,
don't tell, fudge-packer.

Danni, isn't Lia
coming to class today?

You know what?
I haven't seen her all day.

I don't want to be
rude or anything,

it just seems like maybe her and I
should be lab partners

'cause I think we have
a little more in common and...

- Hi, excuse me.
- Walk away.

- Hi.
- That necklace. Where did you get that?

This? My father gave
it to me this morning.

- Your father?
- Mmm-hmm.

He's the dean.
He's always giving me jewelry.

I have no idea
where he get it all.

How can you deny that
this man was killed by vampires?

He was drained of blood
through these two holes in his neck.

I'm sure there's
a rational explanation.

Maybe he fell off his cart
and landed on two little spikes

and all his blood
just leaked out.

Whether you acknowledge that
he was killed by a vampire or not,

you must allow me to drive
a wooden stake through his heart,

cut off his head
and limbs, burn them,

and bury them separately
on consecrated ground.

I will do what I always do when
one of my employees is mysteriously killed,

send his corpse
back to his hometown

and have his family do
with it what they like.

This conversation is over!

So you really think
Dean Floca kidnapped Lia?

He gave her necklace to Draguta.

Something weird is
going on, trust me.

Wait. Come on, come on.

I will bury you, my friend.

Maybe he's hiding
a reindeer back here.

Holy skulls, Batman.

Okay, where'd he go?

Do you think he knows
we were following him?

We need to think creatively.

Nice. Wang knows.
It's gonna help.

Okay. We gotta
think, think, think.

Think, think, think.

Think, think, think.

Think, think, think.
Think, think, think.

Hey, guys,
check this out.

Sweet!

Secret lab.
Double sweet!

Oh!

I'm so sorry.

I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

Guys?

What happened to you?

I don't know.
I just woke up.

Wait, don't leave me.
Don't...

I'm sorry.
I couldn't resist.

I use the castle freak costume
to play on the superstitions of the villagers.

Good to see
you're still alive.

Thanks to your
valuable contributions,

I have finally
completed a replacement

hump-free body for
my beautiful daughter.

That's me!

Well, it's your torso.

Very nice. Oh, yes.

But I don't know
about that tattoo.

But Draguta will
probably like it.

Young people these days.

I don't understand.
How am I still alive?

I needed to make sure that my head
displacement procedure

would be safe
for my daughter.

You can stay alive like this for 48 hours
or so without reattachment.

Oh! I must go. I will
see you tomorrow night.

I'm giving Draguta her
present before the ball.

Very exciting.

Ta-ta.

What happened?
What'd I miss?

Hey, Rusty.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, I'm gonna need that
English-Romanian dictionary back from you

since you betrayed
my most horrible secret.

You started it.

Well, it's too bad
for you, really, since

I was gonna give you this extra invitation
to the orgy tonight, but now...

Oh! Like a real orgy?

Yeah. Apparently
they're big in Romania.

You gotta give me
that invite, dude.

What's in it for me?

Well, I don't know.
I... What is this?

I think this is,
like, 10 bucks.

Nah.

Okay, but...

Ooh, how about
my white specs?

Yeah?

I think you should try them on.

Give them to me.

Okay. Oh, yeah.
You look fantastic.

All right.
Okay, we got a deal.

But here's the thing.
This is a theme orgy.

Theme.

You gotta dress up like a vampire.
It's real hush-hush.

Don't say anything
about it to anybody.

When you get there, just start
taking your clothes off and getting freaky.

Yeah!

I still don't get it.

How are you not dead?

How should I know?
Stop turning me.

Okay! God.

Pete, I want you to know
this is all your fault.

If it wasn't for you,
I would still have a body.

Okay.

If you weren't such a stick in the butt
and had come with us, you'd still have a body.

Besides, we actually
had a really good time.

Speaking of which, your sister and I
want to tell you something.

- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.

- No, we don't.
- Lia, Danni and I are...

Can I talk to you
for a second?

What are you doing?
I thought you said you wanted to tell her.

Not right now. She's a head.
Besides, we were really drunk that night.

- Yeah, but...
- Guys, what's going on?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

Listen, we need to call the cops
or an ambulance. We gotta do something.

Yeah, but Dean Floca said I could
only stay like this for 48 hours.

If the cops come and take him,
what happens to me?

You guys, we need to force him
to put me back together.

I mean it.
This is serious, guys.

Actually, I've been looking through
Floca's notes and shit,

and I'm fairly
sort of confident

that I can reattach
your head to this Franken-body.

You're gonna put her
head on that thing?

Dude, do you really
think you can do that?

I was pre-med before I changed
to music appreciation.

And after all the years
of playing video games,

these hands have
been fine-tuned...

- Wang, Wang, Wang.
- What? What's going on?

- You gotta stop moving.
- What...

You have this whole thing...

Stop. Stop moving, please.

- Guess what?
- What?

- I'm really high.
- Okay. I understand that, Wang.

But you have thread...

- Danni?
- Help!

A little help, please?
Thank you.

Wait, you attach...
No. One, two...

Okay. So if we come around...

No.
Okay. Okay.

See? Everything's fine.

Oh!

Why would anyone stitch together
a whole body with one long thread?

I mean, seriously.

I think I can fix it.

And I was looking at that vampire,
you know?

And he knew he was gonna die.
I could see it in his eyes.

You know what he did?

He just gave up
'cause I'm so badass.

It's so scary.
Yeah.

You know, pretty much
the only thing you can do to

keep yourself safe is probably
have old Cliffy the Vampire Slayer around.

Are you a vampire hunter?

Yeah, baby.
What's it to you?

Come with me.

All right.
See you girls later.

Rusty! Are you going to
the vampire party, too?

You heard about that?
Yeah.

Newmar and I are going,
if he ever shows up.

Wow!

That book I gave him really
must have opened up some doors.

I should be going.

I'll see you tonight.
I just might bite you.

Oh, man!

So, do you have any
of your tools with you?

What, like whips
and handcuffs?

Yes. And stakes
and holy water.

Vampire stuff.
Yeah, gotcha.

One of these garlic-filled darts
can weaken and confuse any vampire.

I come from a long line
of vampire hunters.

How did you get started?

Well, vampires,
they killed my parents.

It's a pretty sore subject.
I'd rather not talk about it.

But, you know, it's nice to be held.
It helps with the pain.

What is this?

Are you ready for some hunting?

- Hey, dude.
- What's up?

Listen, man. Don't be offended by this,
but I'm looking for...

Drugs?

Yeah, yeah. Because I'm planning on
having sex with a lot of chicks tonight.

Nice.

So, I was hoping to get my hands
on some boner pills.

- The magic beans?
- Yeah.

Well, you, my friend,
are in luck.

Nice.

Hey, Viagra's the
little blue diamonds.

Oh, shit.

Wait a minute.

Wait, did you just take drugs
and you didn't know what they were?

Well, which ones
did I take?

Let's see.
Well, this is ecstasy,

and this is
a horse tranquilizer,

that's speed, and this is a Tic Tac, and...

That's not a Tic Tac.

Well, where are
all the boner pills?

I gave my last two
away yesterday. Sorry.

God! You totally blow
as a drug dealer.

You should probably get
your stomach pumped.

I don't have time for that.

Hi, do you have any books on
reversing split personalities?

Stephania, my love.

The Devil's Moon is out.
The vampires are sure to make their move.

Well, isn't it customary for vampire slayers
to do a bit of the in and out,

in and out before we go into battle,
you know?

Mmm. Wit like a rapier
even in the face of horrible danger.

I respect that.
But we’ll cover more ground if we split up.

Here's your walkie.

Split up?

But how am I gonna get
some action if we split up?

Oh, there will be
plenty of action tonight.

I will call you
when the time comes.

Man. This girl's really into her role-play.

Vampire orgy, here I come.
Room 210.

No. Where the hell's
this party?

Room 210.
Room 210.

How long have
I been trapped?

Stephania.

Five hundred years.
But now we can be together again.

That jerk!

Rusty knew the Codex would give
her a split personality

so he could steal her
away from me.

No way.

That's my girlfriend, man!
We need to talk!

You'll be all right.

Motherfucker! Who the fuck
gives somebody a real crossbow?

Cliff, I need you.
I'm in the East Wing hallway.

Cliff, are you there?

I'm gonna be right there! Just hold on.
I'm dealing with some vampires.

I cannot wait any longer.

God. Somebody
fucking help me!

I am only free from this box
during the Devil's Moon...

Holy water, Radu.

Attack!

Radu?

What happened?

...the fuck did you have to
get yourself into this?

Hey!

Hey! You gotta come
and help me, man.

My fucking leg's
got a fucking arrow stuck in it.

Man, you got an arrow
stuck in your leg.

What are you... Fuck you!

Fucking idiot!
Oh, man.

You gotta pull the fucking
thing out or something.

No, wait, wait, wait.
Have you ever done this before?

No, wait. Just do it
quick and, like, gentle.

Fuck!

Great.

Put it back in!
Put the fucking thing back in.

Look at me. Put it
the fuck back in!

Fuck! Not there, you moron!
In the same place!

Oh, my God.
Radu is torturing Cliff.

Help me apply pressure, man.
No, on the wound, you moron!

What the fuck
are you thinking?

You got an arrow
stuck in your leg.

Would you stop touching me?
Leave me the fuck alone.

Somebody's shooting
you with darts, man.

He is so strong.
These darts have hardly any effect.

How does it feel now
to get fucking stabbed?

I have to get closer.

There you are!
Come with me.

Where the fuck
are you going?

There you are, man. Finally.
The vampire girls are waiting for you.

Come on, dude.
Watch your head.

Here, have some blood.

This is not blood.

Now, just remember
what I told you.

Just pull down your pants and
these chicks will go bonkers for you.

Go get them, tiger.

I saw that beast
torturing you.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's just a flesh wound.

Then I must
return to the hunt.

All right. You go do that.
Kill some vampires. All right.

Hey, call me a nurse
while you're at it.

Okay. You're a nurse.

Fucking Christ.

I don't feel so good.

Stay still, my lord.

Out. Here.

Get to the crypt. I will
take care of Van Sloan, my love.

Rusty?

You just made out with me.

Ew!

Awesome.

Dear

friend,

I hope you enjoy

having sex
with my girlfriend.

Yours... No.

Sincerely, Newmar.

I feel better already.

I just hope Rusty can read
the biting sarcasm.

Newmar!

You're back!

I was in my room
and then I was gone

and then I was in the hallway
kissing Rusty and then... And then...

Something weird
is happening to me.

Pumpkin. It's okay.

It's okay, all right?
I know all about it. It's Rusty.

And I'm just about to teach him a thing
or two about a thing or two.

No, don't leave me!

Okay. Okay.

I thought you said he was going
to do something really embarrassing.

I don't know.
He usually does.

Stop the party! Dean Floca
is coming to bust us.

We gotta go.

Where are you, beast?
Where are you?

Foolish students.

Yes, please! Hit me!

Die, vampire!

He must die!

This young man happens to be
my future son-in-law!

I never knew that your obsession with
vampires would go this far.

You're fired!

Fools!

Get her, now! Now!
Get Van Sloan now. Now!

Are you all right, son?

I'm delicious.

Let's get you
to bedroom, Scott.

Okay.

This is actually
kind of fascinating.

Floca might be insane,
but he is a genius.

God!

This is so gross, man.
It's full!

Okay. Stop puking.

Okay, this is gonna overflow.

You guys aren't getting anywhere.
Just let Wang do it alone.

What are you talking about?
I'm doing a great job.

I'm starving.

Anybody craving sheep testicle
stuffed goat balls right now?

My coffin.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

All right. Let's go.

We are gathered here to remember...
Motherfucking bastard.

...our dear friend.

Though he may be gone...
God damn it, lying son of Satan.

...in spirit, he shall
be with us forever.

You, child,
give me your vehicle.

No!

I command you.
No!

Yes. You will give it to me.

No! Go away!

Child!

Ready for another round,
you stallion?

God. What happened
last night?

We had sex!
We had lots of it.

The way you stroke my hump,
it drives me wild.

Oh, God!

I have never been with a boy that
wasn't crying before.

Draguta?

This isn't working out,
you and me.

What are you saying?

You up, Draguta?

Daddy?

What is this?

Dusty, I find you here in the bedroom
of my only daughter, with no pants?

I'm so happy!

No, Daddy!

I think Rusty just
broke up with me.

Is that true?

No. That's just silly talk.

But you just said that...

No, I did not. I was kidding, pooky.

See. He wouldn't
hurt you, sweetie.

Now, Busty, you know
that the ball is tonight.

You’ll be taking my daughter.

Well, that, or be horribly
tortured to death, right?

All right, let me
just go to the bathroom.

Wonder what
the mom looks like.

Rusty?

Rusty?

Rusty?

Rusty? Hey!

I knew it! I knew he was
gonna break up with me.

Don't you worry
about him, Draguta.

I was waiting to surprise you at dinner.
But I... Well...

Tonight I am giving
you your big present.

You found a way
to remove my hump?

In a manner of speaking.

Lock the door behind me.

All right. No one hooks up with my girl
without getting a piece of my mind!

Aliens Invaded My Head?

I'm being abducted
by aliens!

Oh! Hey there,
good friend.

So, tell me,
old buddy, old pal.

Hook up with anyone
interesting last night?

Oh, boy.

So you admit it!

Look, if you could not tell anyone,
that would be awesome

because I have
a reputation to keep up,

and I don't want people knowing
that I boned such a freak show.

Read this and weep.

Okay.

My beautiful music box.
It'll keep me safe.

Oh, I am trapped in
the body of an idiot!

I must find Radu.

Radu! Radu!

I should have never left you
with that woman's poison inside you.

I must get you
out of the sunlight.

Darkness will soon
be here, my love.

Hey, Lynne.
What you got in the sack there?

Mind your own
business, cretin.

Okay. I will.

Is this heaven?

His voice is strange.

Wait a second.
Is this one of those vampire things?

Of course we are
vampires, my lord.

All right!

I didn't miss it.
Thank you, thank you very much.

All right, let's get this thing...
Wait a sec.

"Dear friend, I hope
you enjoy having sex

"with my girlfriend.
Sincerely, Newmar."

The preparations
are complete.

Let us begin the ritual
of sexual ecstasy.

Oh, boy.

What happens in Romania,
stays in Romania.

Mistress,
he's not making sense.

My love, you are still weak.
Nourishment for the master.

Once you have eaten,
we will begin the ceremony

that will free me from
the curse of this dreaded box.

We will make love that will
tremble the ground around us.

Lynne.
Yes.

We must tear out
the heart of this body

and plunge it into the bones
of my forsaken corpse.

Wow! You girls
really are into this.

Your blood, my lord.
Fresh and warm.

Right.

Blood. Cool.

What the...

What is wrong, Radu?

The boy is empty, my lord.

Oh, shit. So, me...

Radu, I'm like a real
person, or a vampire?

Probably around
here somewhere.

What is it, my love?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I am Radu the Vampire.

Then let us
begin the ritual.

Yes. Yes. Let us
go down there.

And we will figure
everything out.

My lord, I have been waiting
so many years trapped in this horrid box.

Yes. Yes, you have. Let me
ask you a question, though.

Can we do this without
tearing out your heart?

Of course not, my lord.
It is the only way to break the curse.

Yeah.

And the body who you're in right now,
what happens to her?

The girl it belongs to will die.
She was an imbecile anyway.

Hold this for a moment, my lord.
Do not let it close.

- Rusty?
- Ooh!

- What's going on?
- Lynne!

- Lynne!
- What are you doing?

That's a crypt up there.

You're one of the aliens!

No, no, no, Lynne.

- You're one of... Unhand me, you alien!
- No, I'm not, Lynne.

- Let me go! Let me go!
- I'm not...

What?

Come with me, my lord.

Come with me!

Come, we’ll have
sexual ecstasy.

Come with me.

We'll have sexual
ecstasy, my lord!

- You're an alien!
- Don't...

Rusty, stop it!
Put me down, you pervert!

If I put you down,
they're gonna kill you.

I'll probably have to throw
this fucking box in a volcano or something.

I am not gonna get on
your spaceship, Rusty!

Would you shut up?

There's no such thing as aliens!
It's vampires, you idiot!

I need blood.

Need blood.

They think I'm this Radu guy, and I guess
they think that you're his girlfriend.

Let me go,
you alien Rusty!

Lynne, you have got to calm down,
otherwise we're both gonna be killed!

Are you okay?

I can see that sarcasm's lost
on you, Rusty.

I hope I made myself clear.
Stay away from my girlfriend!

Everybody's crazy.
You guys are on your own.

Okay, fuck. Guys, Floca and Draguta
will be here any second.

Okay, fuck. Guys, Floca and Draguta
will be here any second.

Well, maybe we can stall him.
I got an idea. Come on, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait!
Why does she get to go? I wanna go.

Sure, just follow me.
Oh, wait. You're a head.

Okay, he's in there.
So what's your plan?

A vase?

You're gonna hit him
over the head with a vase?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Wow! You're looking
really sexy over there.

Stay focused.

Why don't you come over here
and give me a good luck kiss, then?

Okay.

This is wrong.

It is so wrong.
Yeah.

Ta-da. Done.

Finally. God.

Now I just need to prep for surgery
and then we can recapitate your head.

Aren't you stoned enough?

Never!

Evasive maneuver!

Big night tonight.

I created a whole new
body for you.

What...
Hold it right there!

Security.

I need you to apprehend
a young Asian male accompanied by

a severed female head.

And don't listen to anything the
head says. It's a liar.

Oh, my God, it reeks in here.
I can't breathe.

Shut up.
You're gonna get us busted.

I don't understand.
Exactly what are we looking for?

I told you, an Asian male
carrying a severed head.

We're in trouble!

Okay. Here we go.
No, no, move to the right.

No, no, we're still... Left.
Left, left, left. Straight.

All right, this will work.
Just be natural.

Your hair is in my mouth.

Stop breathing on my neck.

I can't help it!

Shut up and stop
talking, idiot.

Lia?

Brady.
You're right here.

On my right.

Yes, I am.
Are you going to the ball?

Actually, I'm...
I'm not gonna go.

Pete stood me up.

That jerk does
not deserve you.

I'll tell you what.
I will escort you.

No, I don't think... No.

Follow me, madame.

Hello, ladies.
Care to dance?

Aren't you that guy
who kissed another guy?

Damn it! I thought
he was a chick.

He's coming.

Your drink, mademoiselle.

Thanks.

You know, maybe
I'm not that thirsty.

Yeah. I don't usually
drink that much either.

Quite the dance, huh?

Ooh! Excuse me.

I guess you were thirsty.

Guess I was.

Those look a lot
like Wang's shoes.

Yeah. I borrowed
them from Wang.

I mean, since he has such
great fashion sense since he's so gay.

That explains his
stupid haircut, huh?

Ow!

Stop it. Stop.

Stop.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Yeah.
Hey, do you wanna dance?

- Yes.
- Do you wanna dirty dance?

Yes.

I want you to touch me...

Oops, I should not be
even saying that.

But I want you to grab my ass
and take full advantage of me.

- Yes. Let's go. Let's go right now.
- Yeah, let's do it.

Students and faculty,

let's all welcome Draguta Floca
to the masquerade ball.

Maybe we should slow dance.

To this song? Are you crazy?
Come on.

Wang? Where am I?

Jeez. I'm really sorry
about that. Are you okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Guess I don't know my own strength.
Come on. Let's go dance.

I don't know how
Floca got past us.

Hey, that's Lia.
That's her tattoo.

Okay.

Lia. So you did the
operation? It worked.

Now that you're back to normal,
we can finally tell you the truth.

I've been hooking
up with your sister.

Pete! Lia, we've only
made out, I swear.

My boyfriend
and my sister?

Lia?

Excuse us.

Pete, you are the
worst boyfriend ever!

And behind my back?

Technically, you didn't have
a back at the time, so I...

Are you getting
technical right now?

Forget it. Let me just get you out
of the garbage can.

You have such a fantastic body.
Such soft, girlish hands.

Let's get naughty,
what do you say?

Smile.

Hey, that guy
looks just like...

Radu!

Wait a minute.
I don't have reflection.

Master. The ceremony
is not complete.

Yes, but I had very important
vampire business to attend to.

Your only business
is to die, Radu.

We will defend you, master.

Yes.

Fight her, minions!

Vampire breath!

Have a little stake.

Get my point?

I don't understand what
witchery is this. My love.

Hey, I told you to stay away from her,
you crazy perv.

You are not gonna
steal my brain, mister.

My love, you are not yourself.
Open the music box.

Hey, man, back off.

I shall skin you alive, whelp.

Get him, sweetie.

Watch out!
Not so hard, Rusty.

Pardon me. I'm sorry.

Rusty. Fuck!
It's just sarcasm!

What are you doing?

Jeez, where'd you learn
how to fight like this?

I'll never
hit you again.

He's crazy, folks!

Rusty?

Hey... You look amazing.

Really? You think so?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wait a minute.
You ran out on me this morning.

I'm really, really,
really sorry about that.

I will never
ever do that again.

Not again!

There you are.

Prepare to meet your end.

Lady, you've gotta
believe me.

I am not a vampire.

Your lies won't
save you now.

Fine!
Let's boogie, bitch.

He'll never beat you, baby!

His alien mind power
is no match for true love!

It's not an alien,
it's a split personality!

Rusty?

You can't treat me
like this!

Who dares to touch
the dark lord?

Lynne, what are you doing?

Stephania.

Hey, leave her alone!

Come!
That's it!

Van Sloan!

I see you've
regained your memory.

Get off my man.

Get off me,
you crazy woman!

Radu!

What happened?

Get under here!

What? Rusty! You will
never take her away.

What? I'm trying
to help her.

Help her? You...
Yeah.

That's for sticking
your tongue down my throat.

And that's for
betraying your planet.

Van Sloan!

I saved your life, Rusty.

My love, I have the box.

He's not yours, whore!

Silence, troll!

Lynne!

You said you could fix it.

That's impossible!

I used one giant thread
so this wouldn't happen.

What are you
all gawking at?

What kind of horrible monster
stares at a deformed girl?

What kind of horrible monster
kidnaps and murders his own students?

The kidnappings are
the work of the castle freak.

There is no castle freak.
It's you.

Absurd.

What about me?

You stole my body to give
your daughter a new one.

Father? Is this true?

How could you?

I did it all for you,
Draguta.

I'm so sorry.

Hey.
Two Radus?

Two Rustys.

Wow! You are
a handsome fellow.

Just wanna tell you that.

Die, imposter.

You're going to jail,
Van Sloan.

Pick it up, Cliff.

- Shoot him.
- What?

Should we give
Rusty a hand?

How about an arm?

It's Radu. Shoot!

Hurry!

Shoot him!

All right, freeze, vampires.

Well, which one is it?

That one!

Shoot him, he's the vampire.

No, shoot him.
He is the vampire.

What? No, no. I'm Rusty.

No. I am Crusty.

I don't know
which one is which.

Are you a moron?

Shoot!

Listen, this is bullshit!
Vampires don't even exist!

What the fuck?

Shit.

Radu!

No, my love.

You! You will
pay for this!

I doubt that.

Professor?

Mmm-hmm.

Did it really happen,
Professor Clifton?

Of course it did.
It's all here in my book.

You know, they sell them at the library.
You should go pick one up.

It happened just like I wrote
about it in Chapter 7.

Hey, vampire. I think it's time me and you
had a heart-to-heart.

At least I was defeated by
the world's greatest vampire slayer.

Yeah. That's how I killed the greatest
vampire dude of all time.

And here's what happened
to the rest of the gang.

Lia and Brady fell in love. Now they have
the hottest show in Vegas.

Three, two, one...

Shazam!

Lia's still a head,
but somehow she's still alive.

Hi, everybody.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.

This is the best magic show
I've ever seen.

The lovely Lia,
everybody.

I don't believe it.
How does he do it, Roy?

We shall see, Siegfried.
We shall see.

Thank you.

Oh, no.
It's a nightmare!

Then there's Mike.

Let's just say he's still heading
down the same path.

Hey, beautiful, what say
we take this party back to my place?

You brought one,
too, you naughty girl?

"Extra large"? I hope
I don't disappoint you.

Oh,
you won't be disappointed.

So hot.

And Wang became a plastic surgeon.
Now he's got his own TV show.

First, we’ll discuss what you expect
to gain out of cosmetic surgery,

and then I'll explain to you
just how realistic those expectations are.

Here, take a brochure.

So, tell me your story.

My body is my career,
you know, as a stripper.

But I'm only going
to get so far with these.

Nice.

Are you sure
about this guy?

What? What sure?
He's American and Asian.

What could go wrong?

All right, let's see how it turned out, shall we?
How are you feeling?

- Well, I'm so excited.
- Good.

Very sexy.
No refunds!

Pete and Danni
stayed in Romania

and made a fortune
importing blue jeans.

They really love
their new pool.

Lynne and Newmar?

They're teaching the world everything
they learned from the Codex Eroticon.

Now this is a much
more advanced move,

so I don't want any of you
attempting this just yet.

And Teodora? She got bored with no
more vampires to fight.

So she moved to the
U.S. and became a cop.

The fools at my precinct
refuse to believe me, but they will see!

This is the home of the
leader of the werewolves.

I know he's a werewolf.

Come, stay close.
Stay close.

Freeze!

Hey, whoa, whoa!
She said she was 18.

Fuck this.

Wait! Wait! She said she was 18!
She said she was 18!

Come out, werewolf.
I'll put you out of your misery.

Well, what the fuck.
I'm calling my attorney, man.

Hey, I don't think
this guy's a werewolf.

I think
he's just a hippie.

He's a werewolf, fool,
and he's ready to attack us.

No justice,
no peace!

Dean Floca stitched Draguta back up,

and she and Rusty got married.
They even started a family.

Aw!

Who's a good boy?

- Who's the good boy?
- Who's the baby?

Who's the good boy?
Aw! Who's a good boy?

Yes, you are
a handsome boy.

Oh!

Say hi to Grandpa.
Come on.

- Hi, Grandpa.
- Come on.