Transparent (2006) - full transcript

(soft music)

- [Brandon] I got asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?"

for as long as I can remember.

- [Dan] I was raised Catholic and so I had all these

ideas about who I was supposed to be.

- [Nick] I was just kind of a kid,

I did what I wanted, I played baseball,

I played football, I roughhoused, I was,

I guess I was the epitome of the tomboy.

- [Jay] Since I knew there was such a thing,

I wanted to transition.



- [Dan] I'm not the only one who transitions,

everybody around me has to transition.

- [Terry] Transitioning is always...

Something in the back of my mind that says,

hey, is this gonna cause me to lose my son?

- [Matt] I think that it's probably difficult to

articulate but, I just am.

- [Raven] I'm her mother as far as she is concerned,

I am not her female role model.

- [Rene] I'll always be part female-bodied,

and I'll always be their mom.

- [Matthew] The only real conflict is gonna be when it

comes time to say no more mom, no more mommy.

- [Ricky] I guess I would relate to him as his father



but, I don't feel like I have to follow that role

in the way that I see other men in that role.

- I think that Blake will always know

where he came from, how he came into this world.

He will always know who the sperm donor was,

he will always be able to have a relationship with him,

if that's what he wants.

And that's how we set it up from the beginning,

that there would never be any secrets.

And that it would just be as matter-of-fact

about his life because it's the truth and there's nothing

shameful about the fact that he was loved,

and he was a wanted child and we

went to great lengths to produce him.

- It's always hard to explain to people that

I'm a trans man and that my partner is a trans woman

because people just think it's so weird,

that we would be together and that we would have a child

together under these circumstances but,

it's what Rio's always known, and so,

it's just the way that our family is.

And people seem to think that it's unfair to him,

that we could ever expect him to understand this,

like people have said, "How could you expect him to

"understand that his mom is his dad,

"and his dad is his mom?"

But it's not, you know,

it's not really like that to him.

Like this is, we're just his parents,

is what he's always known and what he'll

grow up with to be his family.

- [Katie] You've got a book and you've got me still.

- I've told them that,

That uh...

First off, that no matter what, that I,

would always love them and,

nothing could change the fact that I was their mother.

Because I am their mother.

But that,

there was just a mistake when I was born,

and that uh, I should have been a boy.

- The way I explained it to them was, well,

I've always felt like a boy on the inside.

And the outside didn't match the inside.

And you know, I've done my turn as a girl,

and now I'd like to be a boy.

They don't know any of the,

political parts of it or the, you know,

prejudices that people have to face, or any of that.

You know, they're just little kids, so they can relate to,

well, I've always felt like a boy or

I've always felt like a girl.

- So the way I explained it to the boys was that,

some people are born with girl bodies,

but they have boy hearts, and some people are

born with boy bodies but they have girl hearts,

and you wanna be true to your heart, and so,

that's kind of how I explained it to them,

and that's how I felt, that I was born with a girl body,

but I had a boy heart, and that there was special medicine

you could take to make your body match your heart,

and that sort of stuff.

So at three and five that really worked for them.

And the older one, Shioki, actually thought that

I was gonna be like Superman and go into a phone booth

and then all the sudden come out as a boy.

And so you know, we had to talk through that,

that it was, you know, takes a little more time than that.

- I've talked to him briefly about, you know,

well how would you feel if mom became a boy.

Response wasn't good, he said, "I don't like that!"

So I don't know, I think they're young enough though,

and I started dressing, you know, towards the end of 2001,

so he was two at that point, three.

So anyways, so I think if I transitioned,

which I'm you know, six months into the testosterone now,

if I get transitioned pretty quickly then the only real

conflict is gonna be when it comes time to say

no more mom, no more mommy.

And unless we're in public, it doesn't matter to me,

them calling me mom.

- We were at Taco Bell and I,

I, you know, it's so hard for me to say,

guys I'm gonna transition, I'm gonna become a guy,

that was not something I could do.

I, I just,

gosh I just, I don't know.

I struggled with this because I,

I struggled a lot with the idea of, okay,

I need to be honest with them but,

I don't wanna overwhelm them with too much information.

So I just kinda dropped the hint, you guys,

I've wanted to be a man for a long time.

And they about, you know, spit out their pop at me,

and they started laughing and cracking jokes,

because that's how they deal with things.

And it was pretty funny, and the oldest one said,

"Well as long as you don't transition or become a man".

And I didn't answer.

'Cause I wasn't going to lie.

But like I said, I didn't wanna

overwhelm them with information.

Before, when I fit society's idea of normal,

it was way off, it didn't work for me.

And now I've done something that some people think

is not normal, and that's to transition.

But I feel so normal now.

And it's just a happy thing for me.

I feel like I can show myself to people,

and I don't care what they think.

I care a little bit, but not like before, it was like oh,

I didn't want anybody to know anything about me,

and know, this is like, well this is who I am and,

I like it so...

- I never thought I was a female, growing up,

so as far as thinking about gender I mean,

female, who's that?

Who are they talking about?

That's not me, I mean.

I have certain parts that are supposed to be female,

but I mean, to me they're mismatched,

they don't belong.

It's like, who made this mistake?

Whoever was in charge majorly screwed up.

- I do remember when I was like about eight years old,

and I went into this grocery store,

and I, for some reason, I don't even know what

the conversation was but I just stood up and I said,

you know, when I grow up I'm gonna be a man,

and everybody just was like laughing hysterically,

and I think that was the first moment that I realized

that I was not like everybody,

and that not everybody had these thoughts, you know?

- If I were to climb trees and rip my pretty dresses,

I would be beaten.

This is a very good incentive to not,

to stick very strongly to feminine roles.

So I was very much a girl throughout my childhood,

because I had to be.

My next decade after that was an orgy of overcompensation.

For which basically,

my attempts to,

to force myself to be female,

physically revolved around taking a lot of hormones

that the doctors assigned me, and mentally it

revolved around attending different forms of femininity,

I think figuring if I could just find the right one,

I'd like it.

I'd be able to be comfortable with this body,

and with this particular gender.

If I could just get it right.

- I graduated from high school,

and did the most manly thing I could do.

I joined the Army.

You know, what's the uh...

Old poster that said, you know,

"Let the Army make a man out of you".

Well, they tried to make a woman out of me.

- When I was 16 I came out to my parents as queer.

And after that they hospitalized me for two years,

in a psychiatric hospital.

And when I was 18, I signed myself out,

and I was a pretty messed up kid.

I didn't know who I was,

and I didn't have a stable home life to come back to.

And I met this guy at a bike race,

and we started hanging out together because

he was a good friend, and we were bike racing.

And then all of the sudden, I find myself getting married,

'cause it was like the thing to do.

- And when I was growing up, girls got married and

had babies, that's what we did.

That's what we were socialized to do.

I mean in the 60s and 70s that,

the women's movement was kind of starting I guess

in the 70s but I wasn't aware of it.

- I went to a Catholic high school so to me the choice was,

you get married and start making babies

or you become a nun.

And I didn't really wanna be a nun so I thought,

well, I'll get married and start having babies,

and plus, that'll save me from this horrible life

I've built for myself, which was pretty crappy at the time.

- I ended up actually getting pregnant when I was...

Not quite 17, and that got me away from this area.

I got shuffled off to an unwed mothers home

in Lexington Kentucky and I never came home.

- The decision to have the kids was,

was a further effort to like brick in that closet,

you know it's like there's no door there,

I'm gonna brick it in now, and do the whole mom thing.

And it was very very, going the opposite,

trying to go the opposite direction,

into the whole Martha Stewart thing, you know,

with the wreaths, and all the blah blah,

all that girly stuff.

And so just, it was, the way I describe it,

recently, in a letter to a friend is,

it was like being inside of a box, inside of a box,

inside of a box.

And...

It's like my everyday thinking brain

just had completely no contact with my subconcious mind.

It was like I was a paper doll,

during the whole pregnancy thing, for like four years.

And I was very superficial, you know,

and didn't at all concern myself with,

with anything having to do with, you know, emotions,

or I just centered mostly on the kids,

and being the perfect mom,

and making the nursery as cute as possible.

So it still wasn't making me happy because

no matter how much you bury it,

there's still gonna be psychological things

that you experience you know, and so,

so I was not dealing well with it,

and I didn't know why I was crying every day,

and so I thought if we had another kid,

it would be a good idea, maybe that would work.

Maybe if we had a girl.

Wow, very good!

- I had been in a relationship several years ago where

we had a child together, and unfortunately,

I have no contact with that child.

And um, I guess this time around it was kinda like...

I would like a child,

but I don't want it taken away from me.

I'm a good parent, it should have never happened.

And if I physically have one, as well as just me being

the better candidate health wise,

to have a child, that's just how it came to be.

I've always known I wanted to have a child,

I always knew I would be a parent.

In what aspect, I didn't know.

I didn't ever think I would physically have one.

- Well I think that a lot of people's issues about

me having a child weren't necessarily about the fact

that I had previously transitioned and that I look male,

I think that it was about, in a lot of ways they were

negating my male identity because I had a kid.

And I was very clear that there were men in my life

who said to me, "I'm really jealous,

"I wish I could have my own kid".

And I think that,

it was nice for them to sort of get to see some

parts of that, just in day-to-day life as being my friends,

that they didn't necessarily get to see because they

didn't have any pregnant people in their life,

or there's sort of an automatic distance with a

pregnant woman because they assume that

they're not going to understand.

And I was like well, you know, there's no great big secret,

excuse me I have to go barf.

It was like, nothing glamorous or.

And so it was nice to be able to, you know,

find the men in my life who really really

were supportive of me in trying to have a kid.

- I think it might have confused my mom,

as far as, okay you're pregnant,

and you're gonna be a mom.

But she didn't understand that just because I was pregnant

didn't mean I was necessarily going to be a mom.

- I'm their mom, that's fine with me,

I don't see any, you know, stress there,

I don't see any point of contention, no problems.

I was there, I remember it all vividly.

- There's a part of me that's always gonna be their mom.

And I just recently, just today realized that,

that I have to come to peace with that.

That I am always gonna be their mom,

I'm gonna be the one that was their mom.

- I've never felt like his mother.

I breastfed for 11, almost 12 months of his first year so.

As far as a mother I don't feel like it.

I just feel like wow, guys can have babies, you know?

I'm like a, I guess an incubator or something.

- I really don't feel that much like,

yeah, I am her mother, but sometimes I say,

am I really her mother?

You know?

Did I really bear a child?

You know?

Because I feel so much like a man.

- [Matt] I think that it's probably difficult to articulate

but, I just am.

I'm Blake's mother and his father.

I mean, socially I will always be perceived as his father.

But there are definitely parts of that connection

that are about the fact that, you know, he's my kid,

biologically is my child.

Although I know children who bond with their

non-biological parent more than their biological parent,

that's not what happened with Blake.

- Having kids, especially one that I gave birth to,

I'm never gonna be able to hide that I'm a transexual.

I'm never just gonna be 100% male,

I'm gonna be Logan the transexual,

because I'm never gonna deny that I gave birth to my child.

And I'm never gonna tell my children

they can't call me mommy.

- I'll always be part female-bodied,

and I'll always be their mom, my kids' mom.

And I won't deny that,

just because I'm actually very proud of that.

- I think, I mean I can't really speak for him,

but I believe he still thinks of me as his mom,

I mean that was the whole thing, when I transitioned,

I made it clear that I was always going to be his mom,

his, the parent he'd always known.

I was going to look different.

But I was still mom.

And I don't think, I could be wrong,

I don't think that that's a problem.

- No, no, I'm still a mother.

I'm not a father, father's like a bad word,

especially to my daughters.

They don't either of them have good connotation for that.

No, I'm still a mother, I'm not a father.

Well, to my ferret, I'm his daddy.

But to my children no, I'm not a father.

- Yeah, I would have preferred it that way,

that I be my son's biological father,

and my wife be his biological mother, it just...

I guess would make life simpler, would be a little easier.

Not so many questions, not so many,

finger-pointing and, just ridicule and,

just, you know, "Oh my god, what's that!"

Transitioning is always...

Something in the back of my mind that says,

hey, is this gonna cause me to lose my son?

Is somebody gonna say, "You're screwed up,

"you're not right, and this is not natural.

"We're taking your child away and you don't have a choice."

That's always, I wake up every day with that question.

- That time during the pregnancy, was the only time,

absolutely the only time I ever felt right

with the female body.

- It was, mostly misery and horrible,

but at night, when I would lay down...

Everything would go away because,

if you've been pregnant, if you haven't,

I don't know, well what happens when you lay down at night,

after being rocked and walking around and everything

all day, the baby will wake up, from that lack of

sensation of being rocked all the time.

And so the baby wakes up and starts moving around.

And it was just, when the baby would start moving around,

it was, everything else would go away.

And I knew I had this great little person inside of me,

and I could feel little elbows and feet.

And it was very cool.

- I was surprised, I mean you know,

I saw the ultrasound.

I knew I was pregnant.

I was getting bigger, I knew I had to like,

fit into these other clothes.

And then it still, when I was on the delivery room table,

and I look down, and there's actually a person

coming out of me, I thought woah!

Woah, I'm really pregnant!

Wow that really happened, god!

Oh my god!

And so it really didn't occur to me that

that was actually happening to me,

it was me looking at this other person being pregnant,

and you know, like handling it by remote control,

in some other control room somewhere.

It was really, yeah.

- I can't say that I liked it.

But it was like this amazing change in your body.

So I can kind of relate it to transitioning,

it's like this amazing change in my body

as I transitioned, and when I was pregnant it was like,

this amazing change in my body of things that

I was very puzzled about.

- With my first labor, the first kid,

I was numb pretty much from the waist down.

But with the three other ones it was natural childbirth,

I didn't have any painkillers and,

you know I didn't mind, it was pretty cool,

being able to feel a life moving around inside of me,

and like I wasn't freaked out about,

like I didn't feel like...

I don't remember feeling like this was wrong,

I shouldn't be pregnant.

- I was just, I was all wrapped up in it.

I would sit there, I'd be at work and you know,

be trying to check a column of numbers.

And I'm sitting there for 15 minutes on the same number,

because I'm sitting here doing this,

just feeling him and,

feeling him move around, feeling him kick,

feeling him flutter.

- I mean, that's the only time in my whole life

that I felt right in my body.

When I was pregnant, and nursing,

I nursed for almost nine months,

I would have nursed as, years, as long as she wanted.

But uh, that, my body was doing what it was supposed

to be doing, it was doing it by itself,

and it felt absolutely right, and that is the only time

in my life, when I was about, a year and a half,

whatever that adds up to, nine months plus,

17 months, of feeling really really right in my body,

just 100% correct in my body, it was doing exactly what

it was supposed to be doing, and I was very happy with it,

and I enjoyed being pregnant,

and I enjoyed nursing the baby.

So I didn't really, I was glad that I could do that,

and I was glad that I could make a baby inside of me.

If I had been physically male, I couldn't have done that.

- At first when I was pregnant I was just really happy,

'cause I knew that I wanted to have a child.

I definitely knew that I wanted to.

But I felt really conflicted because I didn't like the way

that it made my body feel, at all.

And I began to realize more as my pregnancy progressed,

that I didn't really identify as a woman,

and people, I got a lot more attention from people

for being female, when I was pregnant,

than any other time in my life.

And that attention in part made me realize that

I didn't think of myself really as a woman,

even though I was pregnant,

and other people definitely did.

And I didn't think of myself as a mother-to-be.

- I didn't like being pregnant, it felt wrong.

It was just like a constant slap in the face that,

here I am stuck in this female body,

that's doing female things to me and...

I did not really

find much joy in that pregnancy.

Not that I would trade anything in the world for my son,

but it was hard.

- I didn't know I was pregnant, I didn't know.

I thought I was getting fatter,

I've always had a weight problem,

and I started dieting, went totally vegan.

Was still playing football, doing FFA,

raising pigs, that kind of fun stuff,

and didn't know I was pregnant.

Graduated high school, and never even had a clue.

Went to a doctor, they thought I had cancer.

And took me to this endocrinologist and,

you know, it's like, I'm lactating!

And he's like, "Well you have some hormone issues".

But (laughs),

said, "She'll grow out of it".

And you know like, a week later,

I had my daughter at home alone by myself.

It was amazing that I had brought this person in my life,

but I was humiliated.

Because that's not who I am.

That's what kept running through my head,

this is not who I am.

- It just became painfully apparent that I was not happy,

and as much as I love my son, I could not stay in this

mother role, it was just not me.

And so when he was seven months old,

I made the decision to leave.

And I was gonna take my son with me.

But his dad just basically said you know,

"Think about it, just think about what you're gonna be

"going through, what you'll be dragging him through".

So I realized that what he was saying made a lot of sense.

So I gave him custody.

And I left the East Coast,

and went to live

in Arizona with my former girlfriend.

And um, started a new life.

My son and I didn't know each other at all,

and I left it up to him to make the first contact.

He was not told about my

transition until he was 18.

It was his senior year in high school which is

hard enough as it is.

At that time he basically just told everybody

he did not wanna deal with it.

So that issue was put on the backburner.

And he didn't contact me

until he was 21.

And the reason that he contacted me was because

his dad was dying.

So um,

his only wish was that,

he wanted the three of us to be together

at least, just once.

And so I told him to check with his dad,

and see what his dad thought about it,

if it was okay with his dad then,

I was definitely, you know,

I had no problems with coming out there.

So he discussed it with his dad,

and his dad was fine with it.

So I and my son's first meeting was actually

when I flew out back east, picked him up from his apartment,

and we took a three-hour drive to where his dad was,

and got to know each other during that three-hour drive.

And it was great, we really connected.

He just basically told me that he was never able to talk

to anybody, the way that he was able to talk to me.

And so that was really refreshing for both of us.

I remember the day that I left to go home,

and I was driving away in the rental car,

and just the memory of my son standing in the

middle of the road jumping up and down and waving

goodbye to me, until he could no longer see me,

I mean that was just like the happiest moment

of my whole life.

Because I knew I had the acceptance of my son.

- I always felt like I was kinda divided in half.

There was the part of me that was me.

That everybody had known my whole life that...

That had always been into comic books and Batman and

liked to join the medieval reenactments and

hit people with sticks and,

that one of my favorite movies is Full Metal Jacket.

And then there was the part of me that

tried to get along with the other moms

so that my kid didn't feel out of place.

It reached the point where I couldn't keep putting up,

I couldn't keep going back out there and trying to,

trying to fit, I always knew I didn't,

I felt like an impostor.

- I've always been called sir, and never ma'amed,

always sirred.

And then I just started passing on the job.

I mean, I think it wasn't even a conscious decision

to pass, it just happened automatically,

I got a job as a he, and I just kinda flowed into that.

So I worked on a construction site,

and everybody called me sir, and all that stuff.

So I think by the time I was 29, 30,

I was a real stone butch.

And I didn't have transgendered yet in my language.

But I was passing so much that, I mean,

you know, out in the world, I was he,

you know, 24/7.

By the time I was 31 to 32,

I finally had the word transgendered,

and I found out about transitioning 'cause a

good friend of mine was an F to M at that point,

I had just met him.

And it was like all of the sudden,

the world kind of opened up to me.

- And then I read Stone Butch Blues.

How many FTMs can say that?

And then, I read Stone Butch Blues.

And, like one of the first things,

one of the first lines in that novel,

is, "Are you a boy or a girl?"

And I was just like, when I read that,

I still get goosebumps.

It was like, oh my god, you're talking about me.

And so I read the book and a lot of it,

I really related to and I was like oh my god,

maybe this is what it's been all my life,

maybe this has been part of what the drinking's about,

maybe this has been what the self-esteem issues were about.

Maybe this is, maybe I'm not really a lesbian,

maybe I'm really a guy.

And so I started going to groups and...

And I would say things like, well you know,

if it wasn't for my kids, I would probably do this.

- I put this off for so long, and it was my daughter's

senior year and she'd already gone off

to live with my mother.

So I was really free of all the child-rearing stuff,

and I thought you know, I only live once,

I'm gonna be dead, in X number of years,

and I don't wanna die a woman,

I don't wanna be an old woman,

and I need to do something now,

and it was almost immediate, I got online,

and got in touch with people I'd been avoiding

for some time, other transexuals and,

very quickly on, met a guy who's still my good friend

here in Texas that encouraged me,

and talked about practical matters of transition.

And within a few months of that,

I decided definitely to transition,

it was just a question of practicalities.

- I think I lived the life for a long time

that I shouldn't have.

I should have made changes earlier.

But I kept saying, I need to be there for my daughter,

see her through her school, see her through her high school.

And then when she's older.

I always said, I'll do it then, I'll do it then.

Eventually you just have to be yourself,

because I was going crazy.

Psychologically, spiritually, I mean,

eventually something has to give.

- I had actually got to the point where

I'd started making plans,

for my children to be cared for.

And you know, was real methodical, suicide plans.

And then I just got very very lucky.

And went for help and decided to transition.

- When I sat down and talked to my parents,

I said this is what I need to do, I need to transition.

Then it became another story altogether.

And my parents fought me.

They tried to take custody of my daughter.

And life became pretty miserable for a couple of years.

I was not going to give up without a fight.

I'm one of these people that I'm adamant.

I love my daughter dearly, I still love my kid dearly.

And...

I wasn't going to give up, I was not going to say,

okay, well you know I'm leading an unusual lifestyle,

and that's bad for the kid, so on and so forth.

I fought, and I kept,

custody of my kid.

I raised a very strong child.

And I also know, contrary to popular belief,

that um...

You can't mold a child into

what you expect them to be.

The whole nature versus nurture controversy,

and my degree being in sociology,

I've really studied this to death.

I've learned, having raised a child,

that there are certain things that are inborn.

There are certain things that no matter what,

you cannot change.

And my child, growing up,

apparently felt more male than female.

And the only

difficulty I'm having with it at this point,

there's two points.

One is, I made it a point to give my kid a good name,

when she was born.

I was born with the name Rose.

Where do you go with that?

You know, even as a tomboy I mean that's,

was terrible.

So I thought long and hard about what I was gonna

name my child.

And I named my kid Samantha.

I figured that way if she wanted to be extraordinarily

feminine or was very female, she could be Samantha.

On the other hand, if she was a tomboy,

she could be Sam, or Sammy.

Years later, my kid starts going by the name James.

And I'm saying to him, you know, it's like, why James?

I gave you such a perfect name!

And he says well, to me, Sam is a female name.

So, so he's James now.

He um...

He's transitioning at his own pace, at his own speed,

in his own way.

It worries me, it upsets me, we have talks about it.

I try and get him to talk to me.

Typical parent-child communication problems.

It's scary, I wish he didn't have to be going through this.

And as long as he's happy,

and he's healthy and he takes care of himself,

that's all I could want for him.

- My dad had guardianship of my daughter at that point.

Because I was trying to finish school,

and be the responsible parent.

And I knew that some paperwork was gonna start

getting changed, and he was gonna wanna know

what was going on, and I really felt that,

he would take it well, and be very supporting of me.

He'd always been.

And instead he was just like, "I don't know how to

"deal with this, I'm not comfortable with it.

"As far as I know you, your name is Laura Moore,

"and you're my daughter".

My dad requires that if I come see my daughter,

I have to shave off all facial hair, shave off my sideburns,

I have to wear three pieces of female clothing.

I may not pack, I may not bind.

And there will be no use of my real name now,

or my physical gender as I am now.

So I have to lie.

I have to lie to everybody around me,

in order to see her.

- To this day, my mom and I actually have never

talked about my transition or,

my identity or,

anything related to it really.

She just doesn't wanna know.

I mean we see each other, and they've come

out here to visit and I've gone back home to visit.

And my mom and I just don't talk about it.

And she calls me by my old name,

and she refers to me as she,

which really bothered me in the beginning.

And now it doesn't, doesn't phase me so much.

Partly because I identify more gender queer now,

and not strictly as male.

It bothers me more because it feels like,

like she's not acknowledging a piece of me.

- Oh my god, the family, they were just so cool about it,

and my mom is fine, my grandfather,

the night before I told him he watched a documentary

on PBS, about female-to-male transexuals,

like, getting him ready for it or something,

I don't know, you know?

And so he was all cool about it, I'm like,

you know, like this.

And he's like, "Oh my, I just watched this show about it

"the other night, and that's so interesting!"

And anyway so we got into a long discussion,

so the family is fine, there's been no backlash.

The sister who dissed me before is still

thinkin' I'm mental, but she's the only one.

So, and everything else is going positive,

Bill's not gonna take the kids,

none of the people who have the power to

revoke my parental custody rights

are even anti, against, I mean they're not happy

with me doing it, but they also want me to be happy.

- My sister told me that she would be civil to me

at family gatherings, but that she was,

essentially through with me.

And that she felt sorry for my kids.

Especially with my children having a disfiguring

genetic disorder, their main theme,

of concern is, the kids are already gonna have

a hard enough life, and you're giving them something else

that's going to cause them through further humiliation,

aren't they gonna go through enough?

Why do you have to do this on top of it?

- Because those kids need me to be strong.

And I was not gonna, maybe even be here,

much less be strong, if I didn't,

do something to fix myself so that I could live with myself.

Say hi, Walter.

- Hi!.

- [Logan] How old are you gonna be on Friday?

- Six.

- Walter was the fifth child of a single mother

who showed up in the emergency room,

having had no prenatal care,

with preeclampsia and gestational diabetes,

and a history of drug and alcohol abuse.

She gave birth and then walked out two hours later.

He was in foster homes all his life,

and was headed for a group home.

We wanted him, it's not like we were just doing this

totally out of the benevolence of our hearts,

we wanted another child.

And it didn't matter to us that he was black,

it's not like we came through some great adversity

to decide to bring Walter into our family.

I see a lot of myself in Walter.

Walter is autistic on top of everything else,

and I see a whole lot of the...

When he screams, I feel that...

I understand that sensation of

being trapped in your body, and not being able to get out,

and not being able to communicate, not being able to get

who you are, outside of your physicality,

as he can't, on many occasions.

And...

Walter is such a minority in so many different ways,

that he is such a stranger in a strange land,

that I can,

I can relate to,

to not only, I guess what he's going through now,

because he hasn't caught much of it yet,

but what he'll probably go through older,

as an African American child being raised by,

what by that point will probably be

completely seen as two white men.

- My son is half Latino, and so I've,

you know, wanted to have a more,

multicultural inclusive life for him,

and so I've wanted to look and

address those different issues,

because I've faced discrimination and assault

because of who I was or who I was perceived to be.

I'm much more aware of how that operates in the world,

and how that can operate for other people,

whether it's because of their race or

their sexual orientation or their gender,

or their ability.

And so I think that it's just made me more

in tune with looking at those kinds of things.

- I'm very protective of her still in that regard.

But I mean some just awful awful things happening,

raising her, and it's just frightening when I've dated

people that are black, and you see some of that,

but having a child it's just it's, they're your heart,

and people are so horrible about it.

And anyone who tells you that there's no racism

in America or that it's easy to be black in America

is very foolish.

Because it's, the difference between man and woman,

I think that's the one thing that might be

as large a difference as having white skin

and having black skin in this country.

- Just being a minority as far as

ethnic background,

that in itself has its own limitations.

And so that always just adds to the barriers that we

have to overcome.

(soft music)

- You know there's a mourning process I think that

people have to go through, where they lose the sister,

or daughter, or this girlfriend that they had,

and you have to reintroduce this male person,

and I don't think my son ever did that.

I don't think he ever lost his mom,

so much as he just sort of, like I did when I was his age,

redefined how to look at what a mom is,

or redefine how it is that a girl looks.

- I guess I would relate to him as his father but,

I don't feel like I have to

follow that role in the way that I see other

men in that role.

I think that in some ways, I'm more similar to

a mother to him, because I'm very very close with him,

and I don't, I don't have a lot of boundaries there,

you know, he came out of my body, physically.

And so I have that connection with him that

most fathers don't have.

So, I think of myself as his papa,

and that's what he calls me but,

I think that the connection that we have might be

different than other children do with their fathers.

But he's also very very close with Katie, with my partner,

who he calls mama, so to him it's like he has a papa

and a mama, but I don't know if he would think of that

when he's older, in the way that other children

think of their parents.

Aww, I love you Rio.

I love you.

It's hard, you know,

I agonize about it sometimes, I'm like,

you know, I'm not seen as a man, like people...

Don't, people aren't gonna think of me as his papa,

is it mean of me, is it cruel of me to have him

call me something that

might in the future

cause problems for both of us?

So sometimes I debate about having him

call me something else.

Even though I don't think it would be very comfortable

to change that now, it's something that I think a lot about,

and that I worry about, and that I,

it's a conflict between what I feel like is safest,

or in the best interest of our family,

and then what feels like something that I would

want to be called by my child.

- Who am I then?

- Papa.

- This is the papa?

- Yeah.

- We had a conversation about finding

a gender neutral name for him to call me,

or that he could still keep calling me mom,

or whatever, and he thought about it for a few minutes,

and he said, "No, you're a boy now, so you're my dad".

And it took him about two weeks to transition

calling me from mom to dad, and that was really hard

for me.

'Cause I didn't really want that.

I didn't really wanna be called dad at the time.

But that's what he wanted and needed,

and so that's kind of what he did.

- She calls me mom, in the middle of the store.

And that's okay, some people,

some guys are weird about that,

but I figure I owe her that.

It's the least I can do.

And she uses a male pronoun for me,

which she started doing of her own accord.

I didn't ask her to do that, but she started calling me,

mom-he.

And people became very confused.

"Well my mom-he", da-da-da-da-da.

And, but that was something that she's comfortable with.

She didn't wanna give up mom, she didn't,

'cause she's got a father.

- The differences for me are subtle, it's like,

I mean I would walk down the street with my kids,

you know, wearing a shirt and tie,

and feel like, all weird because what are people thinking?

Are they looking at me going like, what is that?

Or why is she wearing a tie?

Or why does he look so, you know, that kind of thing.

And now it's just if I walk down the street wearing a tie

with my kids or without 'em, I'm just some guy,

walking down the street wearing a tie.

I don't have to trip about what other people

are thinking about me, and that's been

sort of the difference for me, has been...

That I don't have to be uncomfortable about

what other people are thinking.

Because I can just be who I am.

Which was all I ever wanted to do anyway,

and you know maybe that's part of what's wrong

with society, it's so black and white that we have to

choose one gender.

- Oh, very good pushing the orange button.

I think it's always been clear to me that gender roles

are not nearly as cut and dry as people make them to be.

I mean there are definitely people,

both male and female who exhibit a whole range of

behaviors that our society considers masculine and feminine,

and I think that it's,

it's an oversimplification to say that men are this

and women are that, but I don't,

I don't know that our society is capable of,

of changing its Gestalt relationship to that stuff

just because one of the first ways that we're taught

to separate ourselves from other people is

you're a boy or you're a girl.

- Yay!

I'm showing people that, even though I'm the dad,

that I can be at home and I can provide the same

nurturing environment as a mother staying home

that I can...

Quite capably take care of my son, and the house,

and have dinner ready and anything else that

June Cleaver could do.

(lullaby music)

- I've noticed that women are nicer to me in public,

especially when I have the kids, 'cause they're like,

"Oh look, that's so cute, the dad went out by himself

"and left his poor wife at home", you know?

And what's funny is I know the flip side of that coin

so much when Charles would say,

"Okay I'll take the kids out to the mall",

and I'm like oh thank god you're going!

So not only do I know how the person left at home felt,

so those smiling wives are thinking I'm such a saint

for taking the kids out.

- I actually have had...

You know, flight attendants say to me,

"Um, is it just the two of you?

"Oh you're so brave to travel alone,

"we just don't see men doing that very often."

And I'm like...

How else are we supposed to get anywhere?

I'm a single parent.

I think the other thing that's kind of interesting

is that whenever there's a woman within 50 feet of me,

and I have Blake with me,

she's his mother and I'm the idiot pushing the stroller.

Like if ever there's a woman in public with me and Blake

and they ask a question about like,

"Oh how old is he?", they don't ask me,

they ask whatever woman I'm with.

Whether she knows the answer or not.

Which is, you know, I mean that's part of,

the fact that women have, over the years,

done almost all of the childcare.

(soft music)

- I was just thinking it's a fine day for going

to visit Piglet.

I was on my way to see Rabbit, said Tigger,

but I will come along with you.

To me, parenting is the work of raising a child.

It's the diapering and the bandaging of skinned knees,

and the holding during the temper tantrums,

and the crying and the helping with homework,

and I'm all that.

Mothering is doing all those things,

plus providing a female role model.

Fathering is doing all those things

plus providing a male role model.

- That's interesting because that gets into stereotypes

and things like that as far as how we relate to our kids,

if it's as a mother or as a father.

And, you know and I grew up socialized that mom is

the one who takes care of the kids and dad's the

one who goes to work, and mom does all the cooking,

and the washing the dishes,

and dad reads the newspaper and watches TV and.

Nowadays it's different, you see fathers are more involved

with their kids as their kids are growing up.

As I've gone through this I'd just like to think of

the adult in a child's life as their parent.

And if Elizabeth and I choose to have kids,

I would hope that we wouldn't fall into those roles of,

well you're the mom you have to do this,

or you're the dad you have to do that.

- I'm not sure how I would define

the terms mother or father.

To me, I feel like there's a different essence,

or a different nature to being a male role model

or being a papa, than being a mama.

But I'm not sure exactly how I would define that.

It feels like a very...

Tangible thing, but I can't think of any words

that I would use to describe it, just like I'd,

I'm not sure how I would define man or woman,

or boy or girl.

I'm not, I feel like those things exist,

but I don't know how I would define them.

- Well I mean, you know, what makes a good parent

is really the same thing, for a man or a woman.

But I do see myself as a mother,

so I guess I'm making a distinction,

and the distinction would be, caretaking in illness,

that kind of thing, I'm aware that men do this,

I sound like such an idiot saying this.

I do know that the gender binaries often suck, so.

Are not really good reflections of what actually happens.

But the reality of course is that women generally do

most of the caretaking, and women do most of the

raising of children, and that's how it is still.

- I would prefer to,

to refer to myself as a parent.

And that's what I do refer to myself as a,

in a lot of situations that I am my son's parent.

Neither mother nor father.

- The love between an adult and a child,

in that kind of a relationship,

I don't think it's gendered, I don't,

I mean, I have no basis for comparison,

all I can talk about is my own life.

But I am, of course his biological mother,

and he calls me mom.

But is my relationship different with him than

it would be if I was his father?

I don't think so, I think that it's the same.

- I don't know, I don't even know what

motherly or fatherly really feels like.

I just know I love him.

I play with him in both ways.

We read, we do quiet things.

But my kids are also very physical.

And so we, if we get outside we try to wrestle,

we try to play baseball or football,

or do things, we hike, or do things like that.

I don't know, sometimes I just like sitting with them

quietly and hugging them and cuddling with them.

My older one not so much anymore,

he's a teenager, and that doesn't work.

But my youngest is, he's very affectionate.

And so, I guess maybe the motherly thing is that,

he's my baby, you know, he's the last one.

And so I get to snuggle with him, and that's very cool.

- I don't know, if you were to ask me for a definition of

like what a mother is, you know, nurturing,

and supportive, and...

Just but that's how a parent should be,

any parent should be that way, and nurturing and supportive,

and I really don't support those rigid gender stereotypes

for moms and dads, 'cause I was thinking earlier today

that I really wish Bill could be as loving to Hunter

as I can be, and I'm petrified that at some point

there's gonna be some kind of societal pressure

that tells me I'm not allowed to hug Hunter.

And that's really gonna irritate the hell outta me.

You know?

And I'm fighting, not right now I mean,

I don't want that to happen to me.

I don't want it to get to where

I cannot give my kids hugs and kisses because I'm a male,

that's malarkey to me and it's not gonna happen.

And I see myself getting very hostile

if somebody tries to impose those kinds of limits on me.

- I think that

the internal sense of feeling motherly or fatherly,

for me, it's just become a parenting thing.

So it feels really fluid and comfortable to me to

be kinda male and be a mom.

And be kinda female and be a dad.

- [Terry] If the information that's available now,

in this day and time, was available to me back then,

when I was younger, I probably would have transitioned

a long time ago, but fortunately I didn't because

now I have one of the greatest gifts in the world,

and that's my son.

- [Brandon] If I had to live as a woman

for the rest of my life,

but I could keep my kids, I would do it.

There's no way in hell I wouldn't do it.

It's like, I can't imagine my life without them in it.

- [Jarek] I'm glad I know

what it was like to be his mom.

And now what it's like to be this other person

that resembles a father.

And I can redefine that too.

(soft music)