Tracks (2018) - full transcript

I'm going
on holiday.

To the Europe.

My little Europa.

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

Good morning,
good morning.

Guess what day it is?

♪ You know that
I love you baby

- It's holiday day.
- Europe day.

Packing up the old
les bagages.

♪ Baby



♪ Baby

♪ Baby
Oh ho ho oh

♪ Baby

♪ Baby

♪ You know it's time
Oh yeah baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ Oh ho ho oh

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know it's time
Oh yeah baby

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ You know that
I love you baby



♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ Oh ho ho oh

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know that
I love you baby

♪ You know it's time
Oh yeah ♪

- Look, it's not, it's not you.
- Ta!

- It...
- Ta! Don't do that.

I get it.

I get it.

We are a half hour into a
ten day trip around Europe.

And you decide now is a
good time to bring it up.

I'm wearing
shorts, yeah?

With these legs.

I spent about 20 quid
on sun cream.

That's like...

That's ten pound
per leg.

I spent three weeks
growing this beard.

This here beard.

Cultivating it.

Length.

And now you
decide to tell me

you don't like it.

Okay, I'm very sorry.

I didn't know it meant
that much to you.

I grew this beard
because it's trendy.

It makes me trendy.

You're not trendy.

You're just jealous 'cause
you can't grow a beard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you know
what I can do?

I can grow
everything else.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I just
won't shave anything.

For... the rest
of the trip?

You know, not my,
not my legs.

Not my armpits.

Not my vagina.

But what do you hope
to achieve by doing that?

Nothing.

You're just
being childish.

Fine.

I'm not shaving.

That'll do.
Just a little trim.

Hello, Mum. No.

Bow chicka wow wow.

Oh, stop it.

- What are you doing?
- What?

You're filming me?

I thought that's why
we bought the camera.

No, we did not buy
a GoPro to film a sex tape.

- Then why did we buy it?
- You know why we bought it.

To document our trip.

Oh, brilliant.

- Is that it, then?
- What do you think?

- But I've got a hard-on.
- Good night, Chris.

I love you.

Now you're
putting me off, mate.

You're putting me
right off.

Just me
and you now.

Welcome to France.

Bonjour.

Ca va?

Shower cap
in France.

Didn't think
to put on pants?

I panicked.

Here we are
in Paris.

Bonsoir.

- Oh, bonjour!
- Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Well, Nice seems lovely.

Don't start, Chris.
I'm not in the mood.

- For what?
- For you being a sarcy twat.

Sorry.

Do people actually
live in Nice?

What did I say?

It's late. Everyone's in bed,
which is where we should be.

Should we just start
walking or something?

Walking where?

I don't know,
find the nearest hostel.

What, just walk
in a random direction

- and hope to find a hostel?
- Yeah.

What do you think,
left or right?

Left?

We'll go right, then.

- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.

Um, you got a room
for the night?

Nice eyes.

Thanks.

There are tours...

Is that your boyfriend?

Yeah.

It's cozy, innit?

Brilliant.

Lucy?

♪ Lucy

Lucy?

What?

Well... I was thinking,

while I'm up here...

Chris, you are literally
5 foot off the ground.

I know, but...

You can drown
in an inch of water.

What's that got to do
with anything?

Well I was thinking...

What if I do a wizz in the
middle of the night,

and it trickles down into
your mouth and drowns you?

Do you ever think
about anything you say

before you
actually say it?

Not really. No.

Our lives would just be

really long, awkward silences,
wouldn't they?

Trust me, it's just
as awkward without them.

Lucy?

I do love you.

I do love you.

Night, Lucy.

Night, Chris.

Should we get a hotel?
No, get a hostel.

Equality.

Okay, now.

Okay.
I love you.

Bye. Bye.

Um, thanks.

No worries.

Do you wanna
boom-boom?

Excuse me?

Um...

No.

Chris?

What?

The guy downstairs
just asked me

if I wanted
to boom-boom him.

He did what?

Fucking boom-boom
my girlfriend.

Foreign prick.

Defending someone's
honor in a minute.

How rude.

How fucking rude.

Scuzi.

Did you just ask to
boom-boom my girlfriend?

- Yeah.
- Just like that?

Not even
gonna deny it?

Why would
I deny it?

'Cause she's
my girlfriend.

- I want to boom-boom her.
- Stop saying that.

I'm gonna
boom-boom you.

- You wanna fuck me?
- No.

Boom-boom.
Boom-boom you up.

- Are you gay?
- What? No.

I don't want
to boom-boom you.

I want to
boom-boom you up.

- Smash your face in. Kick your arse.
- Kiss?

- Kick.
- Lick?

Not lick, kick.

- Are you guy?
- No, I'm not gay.

It's okay. Does your
girlfriend know?

Say I'm gay again.
Go on, I dare you.

I double dare you.

Gay.

- Get off,
- Get up!

Don't pull it!

Ow!

Oh, my God!

Lucy, he won't
let me go.

Chris, what the fuck
are you doing?

So?

They put a finger
up my arse.

You get into a fight and they
put a finger up my arse.

How does that work?

Oh, my God!

- Are you okay?
- It's not funny.

And they fine me.

- Five hundred euro.
- Five hundred euros?

Well, that's like half
our budget.

- I know.
- It's mental.

Shit. What are we
gonna do?

I think I dislodged
my anus.

Is that
even possible?

Chris, come on.
This is serious.

I'm being serious.

Five hundred euros
for a finger up me arse.

And the French
have got big fingers.

Look, I'll see if my mom
can transfer that money.

- You think she will?
- Of course she will.

All right then.
Okay.

Hold on.

Yeah.
Right, brilliant.

I love you.
Love you. Bye, bye.

What's that?

It's all they had.

Oh, give it here.

Well?

She wasn't in.
I left a message.

Oh, great so we just
sort of stand here

and wait until she ring us
back, then, shall we, dickhead?

I left a message
explaining the situation.

Also to transfer 500 euros
into our account.

Said I'd call back a bit later.

I should really get some
credit for this thing.

Dick brain.

You tell her
you got arrested?

It was a message.
I left a message.

Yeah, but how did you say
that we lost the money?

It was a message.

But what did you say?

It was a message.

Do you not understand
the concept of a message?

You're trying
to be funny?

Just had a finger
up my arse, yeah?

Just had to ring my mum
to ask for some money.

If that's not funny then what is?

All right, fine.

What do you
wanna do until then?

- All right, pub?
- Pub.

You know,
I was talking to my mum

and she thinks
that a trip like this

is gonna make us
or break us.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.

What about you?

Do you think
same as your mum?

I think that we've been together
for quite long time, so.

I think if we can't last
a couple of weeks together,

we're up shit creek,
really, aren't we?

Right, then.

Let's say we drink a couple
of these bad boys and...

have a look around
this shit hole.

- Orange gina.
- Orangina.

Orange gina.

Listen to me.
Orangina.

Listen to me.
Orange gina.

How can you not hear
that that's not the same?

Allo. Uh, order.

Oh.
Check this out.

We
would like to order some lunch,

s'il vous plait.

Come again?

Um...

I will let my girlfriend
take over from me.

All yours.

Um...

Yeah, oui, mate.

Kapti proti pu.

D'accord.

Merci.

What did you order, anyway?

Just the four fish, then?

Fucking hell,
it's beautiful, isn't it?

Which I can't believe
we just found it.

I-I can't believe
I'm seeing it with you.

Shut up!

No, I wouldn't do anything
like this without you, would I?

'Cause I'm, like,
just a fucking idiot all the time.

Poncing around like a bloody dinosaur.

Run away,
run away.

Oh, you make
me laugh, you idiot.

After you.

I can't see any
al fresco on this menu.

What?
What do you mean?

Al fresco.

A mate wanted
to eat al fresco

when you go
to a foreign land.

Yeah, but Chris, you know
that's not a dish, right?

That's just
eating outside.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Fucking hell.
- Thought it was some sort of salad.

Oh, okay we're in. We're in.
How do, how we do this?

Just, just
kiss me.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Fuck me in the toilet.

We've never done that.

I've got a dress on
so it'll be really easy.

Just hike it up.
You know what I mean?

Okay.

- Shit. Ah.
- Ah, shit.

Oh, you look amazing.
Ah, shit.

- Yeah, shit.
- Yeah.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Oh, shit.
Ah, shit.

- Oh shit, oh shit. Oh shit!
- Ah shit, yeah.

- Oh shit. Oh...
- What you mean? What you mean?

Oh my God! Shit!

- Oh, shit.
- Look I love you, but I can't unsee this.

- Oh! I need to get out.
- No.

- I need to get out.
- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't you dare!

- I've got to get out.
- No! No.

- Don't you dare get out!
- I've got to get out.

- You can't... Chris, stop!
- I've got to get out.

- Stop, stop...
- I've got to get out.

Please, I've got it pouring out of me.

- Oh!
- Oh, God!

Ugh, it's so bad.

No! Stop it.

Stop it. Oh, God!

Ah, it's still coming.
God, it's still coming.

It's like lava.

Ugh, oh, God!

Oh, my God,
I cannot believe

that we just got chucked
off a train. Fuck!

It's not like
having a shit's illegal.

Well, it should be.

I've never smelled
anything like that.

Oh, thanks for the sympathy.

How can I sympathize
with that shit?

I'm hungry.

- Can you pass me your bag?
- Why?

I want to get
a chocolate bar.

Ugh, God, can't you just
wait for the train?

It's like a four hour wait.

Ugh, don't wanna get them
out of my bag.

You ate them all, didn't you?

What?

You ate all the chocolate bars.

No, I did not eat
all the fucking chocolate bars!

You so did.
That's your lying face.

I don't have a lying face.

Everybody has a lying face,
and that's yours.

All right,
maybe I did eat a few.

I was hungry in the night.

Fucking hell!

There were like ten
chocolate bars in there.

No wonder you shit yourself.

There were not like
ten chocolate bars in there.

- How many were there, then?
- I don't know.

Nine?

You ate nine whole
chocolate bars?

Well, two of them
were Freddos

and we all know that Freddos aren't
really proper chocolate bars, are they?

You ate the Freddos?

You know I love a Freddo.

It's my favorite.

Did you even think about me
while you were doing it?

Oh, come on, Chris!
I wasn't fucking someone.

I was hungry
and I had some chocolate.

Some chocolate?

Some chocolate?

A couple of Roses at Christmas
is some chocolate.

A line of Fruit & Nut
is some chocolate.

Nine chocolate bars

is a whole fucking
entire universe of chocolate.

Oh, well, thank God you're
not being dramatic about it.

Dramatic?

You always do this,
make me out to be dramatic.

You'd do the same if the
boot was on the other foot.

No, I wouldn't.

You so would. You so would.

Do I have to remind you
about nacho-gate?

Oh, no, you don't have to remind
me, because you know why?

We always, always go back
to fucking nacho-gate

and you throw them
right in my face

anytime we have this argument.

It was an accident

and you didn't speak to me
for three whole days.

Yes, because it was
an idiotic thing to do!

I sat on some nachos!

And not only that,
they were cheap nachos.

Does it have anything to do
with how cheap they were?

It's a matter of principles.

Do nachos have principles?

- Human beings do!
- Human beings?

Have you actually heard the words that
are coming out your mouth right now?

Yeah, I have, actually.
And do you wanna hear another thing?

You are a stupid, imbecilic,
lazy, big-toed,

hairy lips,
slightly stretchy,

- one-balled...
- Oh!

- ...dead-eyed, little buggy...
- Oh!

...massive nosed,

- fucking...
- Mmm.

- ...hairy...
- Mmm.

- ...bollocked dick!
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Well, hear this!

You ponder about
like a fucking snail!

You juice like a snail,
you smell like a snail.

Do you know what?
Hear this!

You are a little, snidey,
curly-haired,

slightly balding,
slightly disgusting prick!

Yeah? Well, hear this.

You, you, you,

boo, boo, boo, boo, boo,

constant fucking moan,

year round moan,

centuries of moaning.

You are a sprouty eye-browed,

sprouty nose-haired,

stupid, slightly imbecilic,

little bit
of a fucking old man.

But do you know what?
You wanna hear another thing, too?

You are a lopsided, cross-eyed,

red-nosed little buck tooth
Wrigley's Extra little prick!

Yeah?

Well, you're a moany,
hairy-legged,

mooncuppy bitch!

Really?

Really? You really went there.

- Did you actually just say that?
- Yes.

- Yes, I did.
- Oh, well, well done.

Well done. Goodbye.

She'll come back.

♪ You were in the sun
that day

♪ Looking for the way

♪ I hope

♪ That you'd stay

♪ You were in the sun
that day

♪ Looking for the way

♪ Oh, I need you, my love

♪ Oh, I need you

♪ Oh, I need you, my love

♪ So I won't lose my way

♪ Oh, I won't lose my way

What are you doing?

I'm dancing!

I can see that. But...

I think maybe we should go.

What? Why?

Because...

every guy in here
wants to do it with you.

Especially him.

You think?
Is that a bad thing?

Well, it doesn't sit that well with
me, to be honest, no.

Well, look,

we've got at least three hours
until our train, right?

- Yes.
- Right?

So what do you wanna do?

Sit out there in the cold?

Or would you wanna
come down here

and have a hot dance with me?

Uh...

Come on!

But do you remember
the first time you saw me?

- When you actually saw me?
- No.

Of course I do!

It was on Facebook.

I was stalking you.

- What?
- Yeah.

Like a pervert.

- Ugh, people do that?
- Yeah, no...

I sort of found
a bikini picture...

It was... I think...

I think I saw you
on Mike's profile.

It was, like, a group photo.

Oh, really?

- Mmm.
- And what did you think?

I thought you were
the loveliest girl

I'd ever seen.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And what about now?

- Honestly?
- Mmm-hmm.

I think you've
let yourself go a little bit.

Oh, come on! I'm joking.

Everyone knows I'm punching.

Punching above my weight.

You're gorgeous.

You're everything
in the right place.

Apart from that bit of shit
in your teeth.

- Oh, what? Have I?
- Yeah.

You've always got something
in them grotbags, haven't you?

What? No.

- It's in the corner.
- Get it.

Your left molar.

There you go.

See, don't say
I don't do anything for you.

Well, you don't.

- What?
- You don't!

I just picked some shit
out of your teeth.

And... Oh, so you know those

pictures that I said I was gonna
put up for the last three months?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?

Well, as soon as we get home,
I'm going to do it.

Are you?

- No.
- No? What? Why?

I haven't got a hammer.

Well, you can always
buy a hammer.

What for?

Well, you probably need it for all
the hamming you're gonna be doing.

I think you'll find
that it's called hammering.

Jesus, woman, do you know
nothing about DIY?

Woman!

Well, you know nothing
about women, man!

What was the last thing
you bought me?

Uh...

Well, a lovely underwear set.

What, the crotchess pants?

Wasn't to start with, was it?

Babe, I don't want
crotchess pants, do I?

I want flowers,
and chocolates, and diamonds.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold your horses!

No, no, no, no.

Not weddings, Chris.

- Don't lose your shit.
- Aye.

Just, you know, a little,
little, little tiny something,

just a little something,

just a little, tiny something

so I know you care
about me sometimes.

- What...
- Just a little.

What, you think
I don't care about you?

No, I think you care about me.

Good.

You should think
yourself lucky.

And stop your moaning.

How long
have we been in here?

I don't know.

I feel like it...

- There was a train we were supposed to...
- Fuck!

- Oh, fuck!
- Oh, fuck!

Buongiorno!

Buongiorno, Milano!

- We made it to Italia.
- Yeah.

We're here.
The home of fashion.

♪ Fashion

♪ Fashion, fashion

I don't... I've got nothing
to rhyme with that.

Hello!

So, we're in Milan.

Having a nice time.

Lucy's just popped
into the, uh...

pharmacy.
Get some lady bits.

Thought we'd get a shaver.

Sort that rat out.

Never seen anything
like it.

Hello, Lucy's Mum.

So, uh...

we're having a lovely time.

Had a little slip up in Nice.

Nothing too much to worry about, though.
Sort of all right.

- And, uh...
- What are you doing?

...we're off to Venice.
Hello!

The love of my life.

Right, come on.

We need to find a loo
somewhere, okay?

Okay.

Probably needs a shit.

See you soon.

It's beautiful, innit?

It really is.

Oh!

Oh, phone's ringing.
The old Mom. Oh!

Lucy.

Lucy, Lucy.

I don't think
we're gonna fix that.

Don't you?

Really?

Not smashed up, is it?

We're just gonna have to

find a payphone
and ring your mum.

- How?
- What do you mean, how?

Well, I don't know
my mum's number.

You... You don't know
your own mum's number?

I don't know anyone's number.

Once I put it in my phone
once, that's it.

My mum's number just becomes
"Mum" every time she calls me.

Well, haven't you got it
written down somewhere?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

In my phone.

So how are you gonna
get in touch with her, then?

Well...

do you remember when I said
we should bring your phone?

How's that gonna help?

Well, you could ring your mum
and ask her to call my mum.

How is she going to do that?

Well, doesn't your mum
have my mum's number?

No.

They've literally met twice.

And your mum got so pissed

that she threw up
all over my mum's shoes.

Classic Heller.

- Can we e-mail her?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let me just
whip out me laptop.

Well, I don't mean now.

- I mean, tomorrow or something.
- Oh.

My mum has no idea
what an e-mail is.

So what are we
going to do then?

I don't know, carrier pigeon?

♪ Down all day

♪ Up all night

Hey, you.

We'd like a room, please.

Sure thing. A single?

Oh, no. A... A double.

A double?

Oh, right.
Traveling with a girlfriend.

Uh, yeah.

Why did you say
"ugh" like that?

- It wasn't like "ugh," was it?
- Yeah, it was.

- Can I see your passports?
- Yeah.

Cute.

Thanks.

- Are you being serious?
- What?

So is it just
for the one night?

Yes, yeah,
just the one night.

Such a shame.

Well, breakfast is at 9:00.
It's an extra 10 euros,

but come and see me, I'll sort you out.

Thanks.

It's still gonna be
10 euros for you.

Oh.

Room 8, just take the lift
to the second floor.

Thanks.

I'll be here all night
if you need anything.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay.

That's lovely. Fantastic.

That was a bit weird,
wasn't it?

Chris.

Chris?

Ow.

Ow!

What happened?

Oh, hi, honey.

Did you punch me
in the head?

What? No.

It feels like
you punched me in the head.

Well, I didn't.

If you had have
punched me in the head...

would you lie about it?

Yes.

Yes, I would.

See...

now that you've said
you would lie about it,

that makes me think that
you did punch me in the head.

Yeah, I...

I can see why
it would look like that.

And knock me out?

You may have blacked out
for a little bit.

A little bit?

Well... Well, how long?

About an hour.

An hour?

Well, how did I
get on the bed?

I carried you.

You carried me?

Yeah, I thought you'd think that
you just fell asleep or something.

Oh, nice.

Right, so just to clarify,

you did punch me in the head.

Yeah.

Right.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going for a walk.

Well, it's really late.

Yeah? Well, I'd probably be safer
out there than I will in here,

you violent assaultist.

See you later, Rocky Balboa.

Hi.

- Oh, hi.
- Do you want one?

Ooh.

Don't mind if I do.

Like a cheeky old fag.

Cigarettes.

Hmm.

- You okay?
- Yep. I'm... I'm Chris.

Carli.

Thanks.

Um... Am I bleeding?

Bleeding?
No. Why?

What did you do?

My girlfriend punched me.

- She did?
- Yeah.

Why?

Probably because of you.

Because of me?

Mmm, what did I do?

Well...

she thought
you were flirting with me.

I was.

Oh.

That'll...

That'd be why she was annoyed, then.

So how long have
you guys been together?

Uh...

Going on a year and a half.

- You happy?
- Um...

Yeah. Yeah, we'd...

We have the occasional spat.

You gonna get married?

Well, I don't know about that.

What about you?
Have you got a fella, a chap?

No. All alone.

Oh, I find that
hard to believe.

It's true. No one wants me.

I find that
even harder to believe.

Truth is, I get bored easy.

Yeah. The old boredom.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Sets in, doesn't it?

Life's too short
for just one cock.

What?

I mean, what...

What if it's, uh...
What if it's great, a great cock?

What's your definition
of a great cock?

I don't know.

A long, wide...

girthy one, you know,
a nice one. That's nice.

- Is that what yours is like?
- Mine?

- Yeah.
- Uh...

I mean, mine's like okay,
I suppose.

- Show me.
- What?

Show me.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, come on.

I promise
I'm not gonna touch it.

I know, but...

I've got a girlfriend.

One who punches you
in the face.

Only the once.

Do you wanna fuck me, Chris?

Ooh.

It's a nice... Nice thing
to say, isn't it? But, uh...

You know, I'm sure
that'd be lovely. Very...

extravagant, yeah.
Excellent night's work.

And nice fun, but...

You know,
it's just I've got...

I wasn't offering.

I'm simply asking if it's
something that you'd want to do.

Oh, right, yes.

Yeah. It's more of an offer
not on the table, but...

Chris!

Ooh, ooh.

- Fuck. What the fuck, Chris?
- What the fuck, Chris!

Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God,
I'm so fucking cute.

"I've got really pointy nipples
and I'm so fucking cute." Chris!

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Fuck.

That's it. That's it.

Can't do this anymore.

Oh, my God,
I need to get of here.

Get me out
of this fucking game!

Shit, shit, shit.

Oh, my God.

Lucy!

- Lucy.
- Fuck off!

You'll never believe
what just happened.

I threw up on the stairs.

Do you think I should
tell someone about that?

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

I don't know. I think I'm just
not as fit as I used to be.

My chest hurts.

- Think I should sit down a bit.
- No!

I'm not talking
about that, Chris.

You kissed another girl!

I didn't, though.

You did!
I just fucking saw you!

I just saw you.

She kissed me.

I had nothing
to do with it.

A... Americans are strong,
aren't they? Like...

No, it wasn't your fault,
was it? It never is!

- What do you mean?
- I mean, Chris,

you never take responsibility
for anything.

You just bumble through life.

"I'm Chris.
I'm really funny.

"And nothing
is ever my fault."

When the fuck are you
going to grow up?

I said I'm sorry.

That's just it.

You haven't...

You haven't said you're sorry,
not once.

And you know what?

I don't think I want to
do this anymore.

I think I'm done.

I'm done.

Done?

- Yeah.
- What...

What does "done" mean?

It means I'm done.

Done. Done.
Done. Done.

Done.

♪ Dun, dun ta dun dun
Dun, dun ta dun dun

♪ Dun, dun ta dun dun
Dun, dun ta dun

You know it.

♪ Dun, dun ta dun dun

♪ Ru tu tu tu du
Ta ta da ta ♪

Lucy.

She'll be back.

Hi.

What I get you?

- Just a Coke, please.
- Bene.

Thanks.

Just stick with
the sausage, Chris.

Stick with the sausage
and chips.

Hey.

I'm Adriana.

Lucy.

What the fuck is that?

Looks like some sort of...

pregnancy test, isn't it?

Oh, well.

No.

It's all in fucking Italian.

So,
what happened then?

What?

How come you're in a bar
all on your own?

Uh, I had an argument
with my boyfriend.

About what?

He kissed another girl.

I mean, he...

He said that
she kissed him,

and therefore,
it wasn't his fault.

And you don't believe him?

Well I mean,
she was really hot.

So?

So it literally took him
about six months

to build up the courage
to kiss me.

He's known this girl for...

six seconds?

And he could've stopped it?

Um, yes,
he could've stopped it.

What? It's not
that hard, is it?

Okay.

So, you were
supposed to stop me.

Okay.

Well, cool. Sorry.

So, he could be
telling the truth.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, I guess he could be.

Oh, my...

Well, I mean,

that's not the only thing
that fucks me off about him.

Okay. So, tell me.

Um, well, he is...

He's very childish.

Um, I mean, like,
extremely childish.

And he's just,

he's got no...
no passion for anything,

no drive at all.

He doesn't smoke but
he definitely drinks too much

and he masturbates a lot.

Yeah, it's weird.

And what do you
love about him?

Well...

Um...

Okay. So it shouldn't be
taking this long.

No, I know. I know.

But there is stuff.

- Obviously there is stuff.
- Stuff?

You use the word "stuff"

to describe the man
you're in love with?

Yeah, that's not good,
is it?

So, what are you
going to do now, then?

Um... I think
I'll just go home.

Where's home?

- London.
- London?

I live in London.

I'm currently
on a placement year here.

Oh, my God, it's such a small
world, isn't it?

Well, what were you doing here?

We were supposed to be

on a 10-day trip
around Europe.

So, why would you
go home then?

That's the last thing
you should do.

Why?

You don't need him to

go to a coffee shop with

or go to a museum with

or him buy you a bus ticket.

You have so much
to think about.

You can do it on your own.

Yeah. I don't know.

Where's next
on the adventure?

Um, I'm supposed to get a 10:00 a.m.
train to Venice.

I have a friend in Venice

who you can
totally crash with.

Adriana.

She'd be
happy to have you.

Do you have a pen and paper?

You really
don't have to do that.

She's called Mia.

And she's amazing.

And she can show you
the real Venice.

You can just
crash on her sofa.

Oh, my God.
Thank you.

Honestly, you don't
have to do that.

But thank you very much.

So, what are you
going to do now?

Probably just
get another hostel.

You can stay with me. Yeah.

Oh, my God!

- No, I live five minutes away.
- Really?

And it's really
simple and basic

but it's home
and I'd love to have you.

- Really?
- I insist.

Drink up.

Carbonara.

Ciao.

Buzzing in here, innit?

What I get you?

Oh, I'll have a beer, please.

It's four euro.

Thanks.

- Okay.
- Keep the change.

Grazie.

What's that?

No. No.

Yes.

Lay your key?

Yeah, you haven't
got much le, have you?

It's all on your chest,
isn't it?

What's happening now?

I'm not Italian.

Ah, here.

- Ah.
- Le, here.

Shall I lay here?

- No. No.
- No?

Le ara, here. Here.

- Here.
- Here.

- Oh, here!
- Si.

Ah, got you! Here.

♪ We can hear
You can hear

♪ I can hear
We can all hear

♪ I got a beer

♪ I was just going to
Go over here ♪

- Okay, yes. You go.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, go.
- Yes.

- Si.
- Si. Now, ta!

Ciao!

- Salute.
- Salute.

- Salute.
- Salute.

Oh!

Fuck's sake.

Morning.

Hi.

I'd like to check out, please.

Okay. Did you enjoy your stay?

You know,
it wasn't the best.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Anything else
I can help you with?

Um, do you have a map?

Sure.

- Here.
- Oh...

The girl working
last night, Carli?

Yes.

Could you, uh, say
goodbye to her for me?

Of course.
She's my girlfriend.

Come again.

She's my girlfriend.

Good luck with that.

- Oh, do you have the time?
- Yeah.

- 9:50.
- 9:50?

- 9:50. Yes.
- As in 10 to 10?

- Yes.
- Shit!

Not even bloody close.

♪ You were in the flow
Of things

♪ Don't you know

♪ I was there with you
Somehow, somehow

♪ Windows in the sun

♪ I think I can see you

♪ The light is on the run
And it's going nowhere

♪ Hello to you

♪ Did you ever know that you
Were in the middle of my mind

♪ Hello to you

♪ I could never figure out
Why you were so hard to find

♪ You were in the sand
Dancing forever

♪ I was there with you
Somehow, somehow

♪ Hello to you

♪ Did you ever know that you
Were in the middle of my mind

♪ Hello to you

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Is that a poo?
- Yep.

Potent, isn't it?

Really stings the old nostrils.

- Uh, I've smelled worse.
- Lovely.

Um...

You haven't seen this girl,
have you?

No, I'm afraid not.

Okay. No worries.

Would you like a room?

- I'm good, thanks. See you later, mate.
- Okay.

Here you go.
Decaf.

Thanks.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You know, it's okay
not to be okay.

So, I'm in Venice.

Decided to have a little
go on a gondolier.

It's good.

Come meet me mate here.

It's not what his name is.

- Buongiorno!
- Buongiorno!

- Buongiorno!
- Buongiorno!

Fitting in for
the old locales.

What is it they say?

"Plenty more fish in the sea."

Yeah, that is...
That is what they say.

♪ I'm here in Venice

Right, that's it,
tonight we're going out.

♪ I'm going to find her

♪ And tell her I'm sorry

We're going to go out,
we're going to have fun,

we're going to go dancing.

- I've got nothing to wear.
- It's fine.

I know the perfect place.

Sorry...

Okay. I'm going to go.
I'll go.

Bye. Friendly here, aren't they?

Hello, old lady.

It's hot, innit?

I don't do that well
in the heat.

Or the cold.

That's why
I got an ice cream.

And a sweater in me bag.

Good work with the coat.

Good move, smart.

You don't have anywhere to
stay, do you, around here?

It's just, the last place
I was at was, um...

Well, it wasn't very nice.

There was a big shit
on the floor.

It was like a French stick.

I haven't
seen anything like it.

I've had a pretty shitty
couple of days.

Found out
my girlfriend's pregnant.

That's amazing.

It's pretty good news.

Then she caught me
kissing another girl

and ran off.

Well, I wasn't
kissing another girl,

she was kissing me,

but she doesn't know that.

So, I'm pretty much just wandering
around Venice like a prick.

She's beautiful, my Lucy.

She's amazing.

Like you... You were probably
beautiful when you were younger.

You're still all right now,
you know.

I know I'm not much
to look at.

But I'm funny.

I've got pretty
good-sized penis,

medium-sized.

You'll never know, though.

Yeah, so that's me,
just wandering around Venice.

Let me know if you fancy doing
anything later 'cause

I'm at a loose end.

Probably go out,
dinner, dance, you know.

All right, well,
it's been nice chatting.

I love a good chat.

So I'll get off now.

See you later, old lady.

Mia!

- I think he fancies you.
- Oh, my God, Mia!

He doesn't fancy me.

- I think he fancies you.
- He doesn't. He fancies you.

Everyone fucking fancies you. You're kidding me.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

Hello.

This is Chris and Lucy's
trip to Europe.

Here's Chris.

It's not Lucy, is it?

No, it's a big fucking bag,

not Lucy.

Do you know where she is?

Do you know why
I don't know where she is?

'Cause she fucked off.

Walked off,

because... because of me.

Because of how I behave.

Because I don't think.

I don't...

I don't think
about her enough.

But all she does
is think about me.

So, you stayed here
even though he left you?

Hell, yeah. This is my home.

Not just gonna run away.
Fuck that.

Yeah, but weren't you scared?

Oh, my God. Terrified.

But that's how I knew I was
doing the right thing.

If you're not
living on the edge

then you're taking up
too much space.

I mean, I'm not saying that's how
everyone should live their lives

but it worked for me.

I'm a fucking wanker.

I don't even see it.

I walked
around in Venice.

I went on a gondolier.

Only it's not a gondolier,
it's called a gondola.

And I know
it's called a gondola

but I say gondolier

'cause I think
it'll make her laugh.

And it does.

'Cause I do all the
other stuff.

I don't say,
I don't...

Doesn't make
her laugh.

I don't... think.

So I went on it
on my own.

I sat next to an old lady
on a bench on my own.

And she was lovely.

Couldn't understand
a fucking work I was saying.

But Lucy
does understand...

the words I say.

That's why I should
think what I say

before I say it.

I couldn't be more terrified
right now if I tried.

Fuck him,
he's a dick...

I'm pregnant.

So...

there's that.

Let me ask you
a question.

Do you love him?

Yeah.

Fucking hell.
Look at the rain.

I deserve this,
I deserve to be...

out in the rain...

on my own.

And she deserves
to be in somewhere...

nice,
with nice people.

But we're meant to be.

You know,
when canals go

in Venice,
go to places.

We're supposed
to go to a place.

So I'm gonna go
on a canal tomorrow

and find her.

And also I'll behave,

and say sorry.

And I'll call it a gondola.

Lucy... I'll see you
tomorrow.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Um, you haven't seen
this girl, have you?

No.

But you're not
really looking.

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

No.

It's nice, this place,
isn't it?

Got you there,
didn't I?

Excuse me.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Um...

You haven't seen
this girl, have you?

Is she
staying here?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.
I'm sorry, mate.

Aw.
That's all right, mate.

- Have a good day.
- You too.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Um, I'd like
a room please.

I've seen
you before.

Do we know
each other?

I'm not sure,
but I've seen you before.

On a...
on a film.

I'm not
an actress.

Um...

Can I just
get a room, please?

Certainly.

Helloo!

Helloo!

Hello.

- Hello.
- Can I help you?

Yes, you can.

I'd like a room, please.

- Oh, fine...
- Tala-ba-da-da.

Before you ask...

Mmm-hmm

This ain't my first rodeo.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Zom-zom.

Can I...
can I just say...

that you have
beautiful eyes.

Both of them.

Contacts?

- No.
- Amazing.

So, how much
is it for the old?

So, that'll be 69 euro.

Stone the fucking
crows, mate.

'Struth!

I want a room,
not the building.

Would you like
the room or not?

Yeah, I do.

- Fine.
- I was just being funny.

- So...
- There you go old girl.

Count it out,
old bean.

There you go, mate.

- Thank you very much...
- Keep the fucking change.

That's um...
room 11, 3rd floor.

Good evening.
Have a good night's sleep.

- Good night.
- You'll need it.

I love you.

What's that?

Ah!

What the fuck?

Ah, shit!

Whose that?

Whose that?

I'm on a merry go round
and I don't like it.

- Oh, good morning.
- Morning.

- Did you have a good stay?
- I did, yeah.

There was a very loud guy
this morning, though.

Oh, I think I know
who you mean.

I hope he wasn't too much
of a nuisance.

Just drunk, was he?

Yeah. Bit of a
flirt too, actually.

- Brilliant.
- Harmless enough, though.

I think he had
a rough day.

Ah, yeah.
I know the feeling.

Is there anything
I can help you with?

Can you tell me the way
to the Piazza Della Liberta?

Sure. Um, at the door
turn left

and at the end
of the street turn right

and it's about
four blocks away.

- Okay, perfect. Thank you.
- Okay. You have a great day.

- You too, Ciao.
- Bye.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

- Ah, good morning.
- Good morning.

How are you
this morning?

Um, well I feel my
head's gonna explode.

Other than that,
great thanks.

But you found
your girl, though?

- What?
- You found her?

The girl in the film.
You found her?

No. I've pretty much checked
every hostel in Florence.

No luck.

- She was here at breakfast.
- What?

At breakfast
I saw her.

- At breakfast?
- Yes.

- Here?
- Yes.

- Is she still here?
- I think so.

Uh, I will
just check.

Emma, could you help
this gentleman, please?

My girl, you saw my girl?

- Um, the pretty one?
- Yes, the pretty one.

- My Lucy.
- She's your girlfriend?

Yes, all right,
I know I'm punching

but where...
where is she?

She left
five minutes ago.

Where did she go?

Piazza Della Liberta.

How do I get there?

Walk out, turn left,

at the end of the street,
turn right

and then it's about
four blocks from there.

- You better hurry, though.
- Thank you.

Don't lose her, mate.

♪ Been here
once or twice

♪ Never seen you
Let's decide

♪ Though I hope

♪ So I hope

♪ Still, something
Just right

♪ Won't find out,
We'll see what happens

♪ Though I hope

♪ So I hope

♪ Oh

♪ You're still
The one I want

♪ Yeah, it's been
This way too long

♪ I'll give you
Everything

♪ I'll give you
Everything

♪ Past the point,
I know

♪ But it seems
I've gone too far

♪ I'll give you
Everything

Lucy!

♪ I'll give you everything

Lucy!

Lucy.

Chris?

Lucy.

How did you find me?

We were staying
at the same hostel.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God!

You were the drunk guy
from last night.

Guilty.

You were the drunk
guy who flirted

with the receptionist,
again.

That hag?
Not my cup of tea.

No. She's really
not your type, is she?

Look, you're my type.

Do you want to kneel down
or shall I get up?

What do you think?

I'll get up.

Oh!

I don't want
to let go.

You might
run off again.

You're not gonna
run off, are you?

I've been thinking.

I'm sorry for acting
like such a...

A twat.

What's twat
in Italian?

Twat.

Is it?

So, um...
I've been everywhere.

On my own.

But I brought me bag.

- How is your bag?
- It's fine.

Nice. Good.

How you've been?

Been okay.

You look
like you have.

Me.

Made friends
with a little old lady.

Had a good old chat.

Told her
all about you.

She was nice.

Had a ride on a gondolier.

Sing a song with a guy.

Ate a couple of pizzas.

Jesus Christ!
Listen to me.

Me, me, me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.

Yeah.

But you're my idiot.

Am I?

Yeah.

And look, we...

Neither of us should be
doing this on our own.

This trip was meant
to be about...

You haven't been
on your own, though.

What?

I found
the pregnancy test.

It was yours, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's mine.

Holy shit!

Does that mean we
gonna be, like, parents?

- Yeah.
- Proper adults.

Yup.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Watch out.

Chris, it's literally
like a raisin right now.

I know, but I sat
on a raisin once.

And I'm gonna
protect that raisin.

I'm gonna start tucking
my shirts in.

- Brilliant.
- Well, it is.

I want to be
a good dad.

That's what
good dads do.

I know you don't
believe that now, but...

- There's two of...
- No. I do.

I believe that.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Of course I do.
Come here.

Sorry I'm such a dick.

Oh!
It's okay.

It's not okay.
It's not okay.

It's not okay to be a dick
to something so good.

My dick days are over.

Maybe let's work
on that. Shall we?

So what do we do now?

Let's just make tracks.

What? What does that mean?

You know,
let's make tracks.

I've never heard
that before.

Of course you have.

I've literally never heard
anyone say that, ever.

Well, it's a saying, isn't it?

No. Let's make like sheep
and get the flock out of here.

- That's a saying.
- Okay.

Let's mate
like a tampon

and get out
of this bloody hole...

- Oh, my God! Chris.
- That's a saying.

Let's make
like a donkey dick

and hit the road.

Okay. I get it.

Let's make like a tree
and leave.

- Chris?
- Let's make tracks?

What a load of shit.

♪ Long hot days

♪ In the shade
Of some big old tree

♪ Making daisy chains

♪ And watching
All the honey bees

♪ Endless nights

♪ Underneath starry skies

♪ Everyday is summer

♪ When you spend it
Here with me

♪ So I call you up

♪ Whenever I'm
Feeling down

♪ 'Cause it feels so good

♪ Just to have you around

♪ And you might not be

♪ The richest boy
in this town

♪ But it feels so good

♪ Just to have you around

♪ Yeah it feels so good
Just to have you around

♪ Now yesterday
Is all but a distant dream

♪ Tomorrow hasn't happened yet
So let's just wait and see

♪ Because we're here
right now

♪ It's all that I'll ever
Need anyhow

♪ Being in the present with you
Lord I'm so free

♪ And I'll call you up

♪ Whenever I'm
Feeling down

♪ 'Cause it feels so good
Just to have you around

♪ And you might not be

♪ The smartest boy
In this crowd

♪ But it feels so good
Just to have you around

♪ Yeah it feels so good
Just to have you around

♪ It feels so good
Just to have you around

♪ Yeah it feels so good
Just to have you around

♪ It feels so good
Just to have you around ♪