Tracey Ullman in the Trailer Tales (2003) - full transcript

After an illustrious career, veteran Hollywood makeup artist Ruby Romaine has finally decided to call it quits. Or has she? In a series of hilarious tales told from the confines of her trailer, Ruby explains why she reconsidered her retirement--and how she almost didn't get a second chance to do the two things she does best: touching up an actor's face and sharing the latest Tinseltown gossip!



Stretch and...

up we come.

In a circle and round,

in a circle and round.

That's enough of that.


Excuse me.

Excuse me.


Is that your car out there?

Oh, the Pontiac?

Relax, relax.

Ruby Romaine, makeup, okay?

You can't park there.

Makeup parks in the structure.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a structure person, no, no, no.

I got a bum hip, see?

It's still shapely, but it clicks a little.

Yeah, you hear that?

You hear... you hear the clickin'?

Yeah, I hear it.

It doesn't hurt me.

You can just, you know, hear it.

That's good.

Um, this... this is my first day,
though, and I have...

oh, as a trainee?


Yeah, what's your name, cupcake?

Adam greenstein.

Oh, just in time,

'cause this business
was runnin' low on Jews.

Hey, you got a little acne
still there, baby.

Let me cover that up.

That's gonna dry it right up.

Go to the craft service for me,

and get me some coffee, would ya?

All right, but we have to get that...

I understand, sure.


Aw, there she is.

Hi, Ruby.
Come here.

Hello, honey.

Big hug.

You look great.

You look great too.

Just the same.
Look at ya.

You look a little different there,

but otherwise... oh, I had the puppies.

Sit down.
Take a seat.

Okay, honey.

Take the weight off.
Oh, god.

What are we doing today?

Well, um...

we are doing.

Let me get my call sheet, honey.

We're doing the, um,

funny ladies of film and TV
of the 21st century.

So you want to look like
Debbie Reynolds, right?


I think that'll do it.

They'll want me to talk a lot,

and they're gonna run
those old movie clips.

Oh, yeah, well,
you can't get enough of those.

Can we get a guesstimate on miss Reynolds?

Oh, jeez, I just got started
in here, peewee.

I mean, uh,
tell Mr. Schlatter,

does he want it done fast,

or he wants it done right?

Why don't you tell me yourself, Ruby?

Oh, h-h-h-hi,
Mr. Schlatter.

Hiya, George, my favorite producer.

Debbie, you look gorgeous.

Oh, sure.

Time stood still.
It's 1957.

You like you just... when you did Tammy.

Can it, George.
Can it.

Do I need any makeup?

Oh, you nut, George,

but, uh, hey, you might want
to take a look at the mole.

It looks a little cancer-y.


Well, you know, it's probably
the good kind of cancer, right?

The type you can just pick out
with your fingernail.

That's the treatment for it, huh?

Yeah, don't feel like...

I feel better now, thanks.



We've got Phyllis diller

and Rose Marie arriving in ten minutes.

Should I send them in?

Uh, well, miss diller arrives
with her hair in a bag.

Bring it in so the hairdresser
can get started on it, okay?

This kid'll never tell 'em.
He's an idiot.

They'll never hear you anyway.

He's an idiot.

Can't hear anything inside of here.

So you still doing your concerts

here, there, and everywhere, Debbie?

Yeah, I am.

I'm on the tour, you know.

I just come out from Cheyenne or butte,

you know, I can't remember.

They all look alike on the bus.

But the audiences are wonderful.

You know, they really
appreciate everything.

Oh, yeah, the older people, sure.

I can't imagine ever retiring.

I don't want to retire.

No, no, not you.

You're like the energizer bunny, right?

You just keep goin' and goin' and goin'.

Well, it's so much fun anyway.

You don't want to retire.

I retired for about a half a day.

You did?

My boyfriend told me, he says,

"you could make as much off of your pension

"sitting on your butt all day.

You should
quit working."

So, Debbie, let me tell ya,

it was the worst mistake I ever made.


They threw me a pretty good party, though.

Yeah, had a nice party.

Well, you deserve it.

You spent a fortune with the party...

sweetheart, you only retire once, Ruby.

Unless you're Sinatra.

That son of a bitch
made a career out of it.

Oh, come on, darlin',

you never forgave frank
for callin' you a big, fat fag.

Oh, Ruby.

It's not what he said;
It's the way he said it.

Now, Jane Wyman, she used to call me

that fat, Cologne-soaked costuming queer,

but she said it cute.

Frank said it mean, disrespectful.

It was like the way
he talked to Joey Bishop.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I'd like to propose a toast to Ruby.

Yoo-hoo, that's me.

I hope you don't mind.

We ordered a bottle of shampoo.

Oh, I mind so much, Judy,
I might just kiss ya.

Hey, hey.

Hey, don't worry, Dean, I ain't no lesbo.

Damn, there goes my three-way.

Didn't disappoint him.

All right, hold your glasses up.

To Ruby on the eve of her retirement,

may she never have to make
anybody beautiful but herself

for the rest of her life.

Oh. To Ruby. To Ruby!

To Ruby, oh.

Oh, Dean, that was a beautiful speech,

I got to tell ya.

Wasn't that pretty?

You say wonderful things.

Oh, hey.
Hey, rube.


Isn't that Wally westland?


Big names tonight.

Oh, Wally, Wally, hi.

Wally, oh.

How could you retire and do this to me?

I don't know what local 706
is gonna do without her.

Oh, Wally, you'll survive.

Hey, Dean, get a seat for Wally.

Oh, no, no, no, no need.

I'm... I'm escorting Dan Duryea's widow

to a retinitis pigmentosa shindig.

But I have a little something for you.


You all know my photographer, rog.

Hi, rog.

Look at this.

Ruby, on behalf

of the makeup and hair guild, local 706,

I'd like to present you with this plaque.

"To Ruby Romaine

"for your many years of loyal service

"to your craft,

by which we
have all been ennobled."

Oh, yeah.

Now, say "cheese."



You still got the best caboose
in the business, Ruby.

And your ta-tas ain't too bad either.

Wally, you still got that westland charm.

Hey, barkeep,

I want to buy a round
for everybody at this party.

Oh, that's... well, thanks, hon.

Now, rube.

Now, you be sure to call me

if ever you need anything.

Oh, I will.

And... and one more time,

you know, just for old time's sake.


Get him off!

I'm gonna wet myself.

Wally, you got us some.

Okay, I'll see y'all later.

Oh, come back here, Wally.

Oh, jeez, isn't that beautiful?

Yeah, are they all right?

Oh, man, when he does that motorboat,

I tell ya, I thought I'd wet myself.

What's a motorboat?
What is a motorboat?

Oh, you don't know what a motorboat is?


This is Lynn, the hairdresser.

Hi, Deb.

You remember Debbie?

Lynn, you know what a motorboat is.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, you know, it's when
a fella goes like th...

in your boobs.

It's a motorboat.

I've never heard it called that.

Thanks for lending me
your body there, Lynn.

My pleasure.

Good mornin'.


So anyhoo, ten minutes
after I get this plaque...


Judy Utermeyer

takes a look at my portfolio.

You know Judy Utermeyer?

Oh, brain, big brain.

She's... ooh... real smart.

If she'd have been a man,

she'd have really been something.

And she takes a look at my 401k.

Who runs your pension fund?

I mean, a monkey could make better choices

of their investments.

You got national airlines,

Enron, Time Warner,


You got Arthur Anderson.

Jesus, Ruby, you'll be lucky
you got 700 bucks a month.


I can't live on $700 a month.

Yeah, well, you're lucky you got that,

I'll tell you.


'Cause you diversified
into krispy kreme doughnuts

and a chain of topless bars in Texas

that got lucky with some pay porn websites.



So, Dean?

You said this... you...

a double scotch, right?


so jeez, I had nothin', nothin'.

But what you gonna do?

I think I can't retire, you know.

No, well, you can't...

c'est la vie as that Nazi
Maurice chevalier used to say.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Oh, is that my phone or yours?


well, yours is Beethoven, wasn't it?

No, I had another kind.

What are you, bach or Mozart today, Lynn?

Excuse me, uh, Deb.

Oh, hi, there, son.

Oh, it's Buddy.
It's my son Buddy.

That's him.

Oh, he's cute.

Can I just take this call a moment, Deb?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Hi, how you doin'?
Yeah, you just got up?


Did you take your medications, soldier?

Oh, good, good.

What you up to?

You on that world wide web again?

Deb, Deb,

you into this world wide web thing?

My son Buddy, he's... he does the Buddy Show

from our house.

He's got all these webcams
everywhere, you know.

He's got one in the bathroom,

so people are lookin' in on me
takin' a poop.

I says, "I don't like this."

I wouldn't like that.

No, I won't like that.

A hot channel.

Hot channel, yeah.

Yes, no, no, no,
there is no cocoa puffs, no.

So make yourself a sandwich,
son, all right?

Okay, now, listen, I got to go,
honey, 'cause I'm workin'.

Uh, no, no, it's not the Olsen twins.

He's asking if I'm making up
the Olsen twins.

It's Buddy's dream.

No, it's Debbie Reynolds.


He doesn't know Debbie Reynolds.

He loves you too.
He says he does.

Tell him I'm Princess Leia's mother.

You tell him. Okay. Buddy, hi, woo-ooh,

I'm Princess Leia's mother.

Oh, it's made his day.

Okay, honey, yeah, I'll talk to you later.

All right.

Oh, he's a good kid, right, Lynn?


That's got to be the shortest
retirement in history.

You didn't even last a day.

Oh, no.

No, I, um... I figured...

next day, I had to call Wally at the union,

tell him, you know, I wanted to come back.

And then they put you
right back on the roster.

Oh, no, no, Lynn,

hell, there was a whole lot of ho-ha

went on 'fore that happened.

I called the union,

and, um, Harriet Pipperly
answered the phone...

you know Harriet, right?

How do you remember all these...

you remember Walter Pipperly?


Scenic designer who hung himself?

From one of his own sets.

He was very, very depressed.

Anyways, I says,

"hi, Harriet, this is... you know, it's Ruby.

I want to talk
to Wally."

She says, um, "oh, you haven't heard?

He's in
intensive care."


I says, "what?"

I says, "jeez,
I just saw him last night."

She says, "oh, no, no, no,
he's had a stroke."

Oh, my god.

I says, "jeez, oh, Harriet, what"...

she says,
"yes, he's in a coma."

Oh, my god, he had a stroke?

So I says, "Harriet, this
is gettin' worse and worse."

He had a stroke
at the retinitis pigmentosa...

what, that benefit?

The retinitis pigmentosa... yeah, no, no.


He didn't... no, no, see,
they never got there.


Rog... I hear all this later, right?

Rog says that they left the formosa, right?


He says they had an uneventful drive

over to coldwater canyon.


And he says they got to the second light.

It's right by the Spencer Tracy park.

You know there?


pretty, pretty.

It is.
It's beautiful.

And he says, "Wally was fine,"

he says, "he looks at me, and he says, um",

"rog, should we take Bundy?

"And then," he says,

"he gave a little snort," like, you know...

and then he put his head down.

Oh, my god.

On the steering wheel
like he was gonna take a nap.


And that was it.

And so rog called the paramedics.

And they didn't come.

Of course.

So he didn't know what to do.

He was in a flat panic.

You know, he's a little guy, rog,

and he couldn't lift Wally,

'cause Wally's a big lump, you know.

And in the end,
he had to sit on Wally's lap

and drive him to the hospital.

Oh, that's terrible.

Just terrible, I know.

It gets worse, Lynn,

'cause guess who had not wasted a minute

stepping into his dad's shoes.


Chip, I wish.

No, it wasn't pip,

or, hell, I wouldn't have minded
little winnie westland.

Remember that retarded kid
the westlands had?

They kept her in a cage under their gazebo.

Oh, I know, with the chain.
She had a chain.

She got out once.
She ate a dog.

Oh, I didn't remember that part.

That's horrible.

Bad enough they kept her down there.

They kept it quiet.

Anyhoo, guess who's in charge.


Oh, my god.

And when Harriet told me,
I thought, "oh, crap,"

because I never got on
with skip because he's a...

pardon my French, Debbie...

a little prick.

Yeah, I never liked skip.

And then that little prick voice
comes on the phone.

Skip westland.

"Well, skip," I says, "it's Ruby.

I'm so sorry to hear
about your dad."

I says, "but I don't want
to retire."

You know, "can I come back
on the roster?"

And he says, uh...

no, Ruby, you should've thought
of that before you filed.

I can't just put you back on the roster.

Yeah, well, but dad's in a coma.

He's not running things
around here right now.

I am.

And quite frankly,
I don't have the time or desire

to fix your mistakes.

Says... I says,
"well, screw you, skip."

I do not appreciate the profanity.

And all I said was,
"screw you."

Is that a profanity, Debbie?

No, profan... that is not profanity.

"Fuck you" is a profanity.

It's just silly.

Yeah, that's a profanity.

Debbie Reynolds
just said, "fuck you," Lynn.

It's a few years later.
It's a few years later.

So I didn't know what to do.

So I, um...

I ran right over
to the hospital to see Wally,

hopin' against hope, you know.


And, uh, they had him in, um,

the place where they keep
their vegetative types.

Oh, Wally, Wally, Wally,
you really look like crap.

Oh, Wally, I'm in bad shape.

I mean, I'm not in a coma or nothin',

but I got bills, and I got Buddy,

and I got to work,

and it's like skip's trying
to get rid of me, Wally.

And I know you wouldn't
want that, would you, Wally?

'Cause you was like a father to me,

oh, when we weren't doin' it.

And I just need something from you, any...

I mean, I know it's hard

considering you're lying here
like a cantaloupe, honey,

but I need a sign or a noise

or a touch or something

that I can go back
and tell him you're on my side.

Uh, Wally, how about a little
squeeze of my boobie, huh?

Like you used to?


Wally, you feel that?

Like, squeeze 'em, yeah.

Squeeze your fingers on it, Wally.

Just a squeeze...

and there was no...

Tendon muscular action or nothin',

and it just...

just... just fell away.

You know, it's terrible.

Oh, dear.

And then I... I left

'cause the nurse came in
to flush his shunt.

And I hate the noise
that thing makes, you know.

He should've put you
right back on the roster.

Skip's an asshole.

That's right.

He's a definite asshole.

I know it.

But I thought,

"well, I'm not gonna let him
beat me," you know.

I figured I could always work nonunion.

You know, I mean,

I could do some of those
independent pictures.


Like give me a chance to work
with the arquette kids again.

And, um, you know how some stars always say

they want to get you exclusive, you know.

Uh... oh, I never did that.

I had a few num... no, you never did.

She's looking at me like I did that.

I thought, "well, I got a few
personal numbers," you know.

"I'll take 'em up on it."

And my first port of call was,
um, Mr. Nicholas Nolte.


Oh, hi.

It's Ruby Romaine for Nick Nolte.

This is Nick Nolte.

Oh, hi, there, Nick.


Hey, what are you doin' still sleeping?

It's 2:00
in the afternoon.


Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I can make you look
real sober for court.


Oh, come on.

You're gonna work again.

That's crazy talk.

You're one of America's best movie stars.

Hell, I saw that prince of tides
on channel 13 this morning.


Oh, well, you call me

when you stop feelin'
sorry for yourself, okay?

All right.

Yeah, I love you too.

Okay, Nick.

Oh, pretty much empty.

Oh, there's a little shot in there.

I'll see ya.

Yeah, well, there was nothin' going on.

So then I thought, I know another star

who was always pesterin' me,
and, "oh, you're wonderful."

"You're such a character.

Oh, I wish you were
around me all the time,"

was Jane, um, you know, kazma-karek.


She's on Malcolm in the middle.

It's a cute show.

Knock, knock.

Oh, my... for cryin' out loud,

get in here.

Ruby, hi.

Hi, there.

Oh, Ruby, do you want
a diet Pepsi or a pear?

Oh, no, no.

Hey, are you back with us?

Well, this is it, see, Janie.

I got a little sitiation with the union.


And I was wonderin'
if you could use your clout

to get me back on the roster.

Oh, Ruby, I don't have that kind of power.

Oh, you do.

I mean, you need della Reese power

to take on the union.

I mean, I gotta make a stink

to get a couple of pears and some pepsis.

And that kid, that Frankie muniz kid,

he's got a soft-serve ice cream
machine in his trailer.

That big pop-out trailer?

Oh, jeez, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, at least you got
the consolation of knowing

that all of those child stars
grow up to be drug addicts.

No, Janie, it's true.

By the time you're in syndication,

they're gonna be behind bars.

No, all right, then, well...

you're terrible.
Yes, I know.

It's nice to see ya, honey.

Hey, Ruby, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Brad's nephew, wiley, he's in town.

He's a young director.

He's doing a nonunion
cable TV pilot this weekend.

Yeah, yeah.

He needs someone with experience like you.


Let me give you his number.

Oh, just... here.

Would you call him?

Wiley... wiley whitford.


Tell him I sent you.

Oh, hey, that's some notepad there.

Those things come in so handy.

Oh, yeah, it's the gel expander.

I wear 'em sometimes.

You do?
Oh, yeah.

Well, when you cough or get excited.

I know.

When does that stop?

Honey, once you had kids,

you take all the starch out of yourself.

Yeah, I still lactate.

I do.

You know what?
I still can.

I get the... oh, jeez,

you air conditioning's
really kicked in here,

hasn't it, Janie?

Oh, I get so hot.

You do?
You doin' the menopause?


I am.
I'm that old.

Well, you know, you're such a nice girl.

You know, it's always the ones

that play, you know, crappy people on TV

that turn out to be
the nice ones in real life.

That's so sweet of you, Ruby.

No, I mean it.

Okay, now, don't you let those old midgets

upstage you, hon, okay?

Have you noticed?

Yeah, I see that little one trying to.

I'm gonna throw that kid off the roof.

I know.
I can see him.

Listen, if I had the power
to recast those kids,

there would be a major housecleaning.

All right, I'll leave you
in your meat locker.

Okay, you're doin' great.

Thanks, Ruby.

You're gonna get that Emmy
this year, I swear.


I'll see ya.

Somebody help her!

Debbie, you look so wonderful,

I'm gonna send you down to hair.

Let's do a little do-si-do down.

You ready for your next victim?

Come on down.

Come on down.

We'll just get to the hair,
and we'll be ready.

So I thought I'd give this wiley a call.


And he told me he was doin' a show called...

get this... turd pile.

Turd pile?

A friend of mine
was supposed to do that show.

I heard it was horrible.

Oh, it was... you ever seen one
of these reality shows, Debbie?

Well, I don't know.
I haven't seen 'em,

but my granddaughter likes them.

Yeah, yeah, they got kids doin' things like

eating a pig's uterus for $50,

you know, or a horse's anus.

Oh, god, well, what about
a camel's scrotum?

That's three meals for that.

I see.

Eat it.
Eat it.

Eat it.

You're a wuss.
Eat it.

Eat it.
Eat it.

I love it.
I love it.

I love it.
I love it.

Yes, yes, yes!

Here you go, honey.

You're all right.

You're all right.
Oh, jeez.

Not again, okay.

Can we get playback?

Smile for me here.

Okay, we're gonna put a little...

I love it.
Oh, she's gonna...

oh, that's it.
Do it again.

It's better out than in.


I love this.

You don't need a makeup artiste, honey.

You need a janitor.

She's vomiting up bile here.

Deanne, I got another 60 bucks.

Where can I empty this out?

I got to empty this.

Jeez, jeez, carrots.

Oh, stupid.


Call me old-fashioned,

but how in the hell is that
entertainment, you know?

the 6:00 came.

I thought,

"I've had enough here," you know.

I thought,
"I'm going home."

So, uh...

and I'm walking away from him,

and I hear him say to this idiot, Jay dog...

this is one of these kids
they got on this show...

he says, "go chase after her."

We'll call this segment
pickin' up some granny ass."

We'll call this segment
"pickin' up some granny ass."

So I'm runnin' towards my car.

I thought, "oh, no, you don't."

And it's not easy for me to run
'cause I've got my new hip.

And I peel out of there.

And you know what the little idiot did?

He hung onto the back bumper of my car.

Well, I taught him a lesson.

I didn't stop till I got
to the on-ramp at sawtelle.

Drag him a mile away.

Did you at least get
decent money for turd pile?

Oh, no, no.

No, I got $50
and a Big Mac Combo for lunch.

Oh, you can't live on that.

No, you can't live on that.

You can't, so, um, I thought,

"that's enough of this,
you know, nonunion business."

I thought, "I'm just gonna take it easy,"

you know, stay at home
for a couple of weeks.

And I called Wally a few times,

and he was hangin' on.


I says to the nurse, I says,

"did you try puttin' cold water
down his pants?"

And she said, "oh, you know,
that'd be a lawsuit

to do something like that."

I says, "I got an idea."

"I know a way you can wake a fella up.

Squeeze his balls."

Couldn't hurt.
Couldn't hurt.

I says,

"squeeze his balls."

I says, 'cause my phone was cuttin' on.

So I'm sittin' on this bar

screaming at the top of my lungs,

"squeeze his balls!"

Hey, want to squeeze my balls?


You here to fix the porta-potty?

'Cause it's backin' up real bad in here.


Oh, well, I got to shoot
a TV show on the lot first,

but I'll see what I can do.

Maybe I can come back.

Ruby, it's Cheech Marin.

Hi, Cheech.

I did your toupee for Nash Bridges.

Oh, right, yeah, well, you know,

it blew off the first day,
and I said, "the hell with it."

Hey, good to... is that Debbie Reynolds?

Oh, my god.

Oh, hey, Debbie, it's really an honor.

I'm a big fan of yours too.

I'm a huge fan of yours...

I'm gotta ask you to step down here, fella,

'cause we're working in here, okay?

You know, workin' on miss Reynolds

doing mascara and everything, okay?

Sure, I'll see if I can find a plunger.

Okay, bye-bye.

Yeah, you might need

a little more than that, though, yeah.

Who was that?

It's Cheech from Cheech and Chong.

I thought it was Erik Estrada.

No, no.

Oh, it's another hispanic.

Yeah, but establishment.

20 years ago, he wouldn't
have worked in this town

unless he had a leaf blower on his back.

So where was I?

He was interrupting my...

you were talking about staying at home.

Dean must have loved having you at home.

Oh, Dean loves having me around the house

'cause you know how guys like
a little love in the afternoon?

Well, Dean likes sex anytime.

Come on, baby.

Ring my bell.
Come on.

Go, Ruby, go.

Oh, don't cough.

Don't cough, honey.

Oh, oh, Ruby.

Ruby, I love you.
Is this working?


Well, of course it's working.

No, my cell phone.

It hasn't rung
for a couple of weeks, honey.

Can you check it for me?


It's fine.

Oh, yeah.

You know what your trouble is?

You don't know how to relax.

Come here, baby.

Come over here.
Bring me that.

Let's unleash those hounds.

I can't help it, baby.

goddamn it.

What's the matter?

Oh, this love in the afternoon
might suit you, Dean,

but I'm gettin' antsy, you know?

I'm not workin',

and I got bills to pay.

Oh, hell.

I already switched to dorals,

so that... that saved me

a couple of hundred bucks a month, right?

Well, you can always take

another one of those nonunion gigs.

Oh, no, I don't want to do that, Dean.

All those teenagers blowin' snot all over.


Why don't you marry me?

I can get you on my insurance,

and I could adopt Buddy.

Oh, Dean, that's so sweet.

But you're already married.

Oh, that's right.


Millie's been in
suspended animation so long,

I almost forgot.

Yeah, yeah.


You know, maybe that's why
skip doesn't like me,

'cause me and his dad were carrying on

when he was still married.


Any of your kids hate me, Dean?

Are you kiddin'?
They love you.

I think Dean, Jr., likes you
more than he likes me.

Well, he's a good kid.

How's his parole going?

Mm, I don't know.

He's working at discount tires.

So he's doing something he loves.

Oh, yeah.

Which is just what I would like to do.


come on, Ruby.

Oh, hell.

Come on, Ruby, let's get cookin'.

I guess that pill's not worn off, Dean.


Here we go.
Oh, jeez.

Oh, Ruby.
Oh, oh!

Ruby, Ruby, what?
Oh, what?

Oh, damn it.

I just figured it out.


I figured it out

why skip hates me so much.

What are you talking about?

It's 'cause of that time
when his mom was out,

and Wally caught him peeking
through the keyhole

when we was makin' love on
their indoor shuffleboard court.

Oh, Wally!

It's your little kid.

And he says to him,

"if you're so nosy,

"why don't you come in

and tell miss Romaine
she turns you on?"

He says to him, he says, "tell her.

Tell her.
Tell her."

His kid started cryin',

and, oh, I was laughin',

and I was naked from the waist down.

And we'd had a couple of drinks,

and you know how you get.

And then he's saying,

"tell her, tell her, little skip,"

when he went beet red,

and he started hiccup-crying,
all hiccup-crying.

You know how they get?

And then... and then he wet himself.

And me and Wally, we was laughin'

and callin' him Betsy wetsy.

Betsy wetsy, Betsy wetsy.

Seems to me,

Wally's more to blame than you.


That can't be it.

Oh, Dean.

Who's that?
Is that Buddy?

Buddy's gotten up.

Yes, Buddy's up.

Come on, get your pants on.
Get your pants on.

Come on, Dean, put the...

hey, come on, thanks, uncle Dean.

Get your pants on, Dean.

Hey, come on.

Oh, thanks for fixin' up
that electrical outlet.

All right, just much obliged.

Oh, hell, Dean.

What's the matter?

Oh, I think my fake hip's
got jammed up in my thigh here.

Can you just... yeah, help me with the...

no, no, it's not gonna work that way.

I'm gonna have to go down on all fours.

Yeah, turn around.

If I turn, and you can
pull me up by my ankles.

Turn over.

No, pull me up by my... that's it.

Pull me up now.

Oh, hell, here comes Buddy now.

Don't bring the pig in the bedroom.

You can't have a pig in the bedroom.

Oh, jeez, oh, look at that.

Oh, I can't watch.

Get the pig out of here.

Buddy, get that pig...

hell, I'm gettin' turned on.

Oh, no!

I was laughing, and the pig
was kissin' me all over.

You have a pig in your apartment?

Oh, yeah.

It's Buddy's pig.

He fell in love with the breed

when he was over in Vietnam.

Listen, stretch your hand out.

Then when jan-Michael Vincent
went into prison,

he sort of inherited it.

You know, oinky's a good pig.

Well, aren't pigs illegal?

No, my neighbor, lupe,
she's got goats and chickens.

We had an al qaeda family with a camel

in our neighborhood

till that Donald rumsfeld

came and took 'em to a concentration camp

or... or something.

Where do you live, Ruby?

I'm on, um, Elizondo and Willoughby.

Been there since 1952.

Wow, you must have a good deal on the rent.

Oh, no, hell, I wish I did,

but the neighborhood keeps goin' down.

Rents keep goin' up.

I tell ya.

It was very hard
when I wasn't working there,

you know, I didn't know how
I was gonna pay for everything.

I had to have a yard sale

sell some of my beautiful...
my treasures, Lynn.

Yeah, my Hollywood memorabilia.

'Cause you got a lot of that stuff...

oh, you be careful

with Ann-Margret's bedside lamp there, son.

Okay, go put it back in the tissue paper

in mommy's bedroom.

It's gettin' dark, Ruby.

Your precious memorabilia is soaked.

I know it.
Jesus Christ.

They didn't say
we were gonna have a tsunami

on the weather report last night, did they?

Huh, Dean?

There's only Mexican lookie-loos out there.

Andale, andale.

There'll be no more gays
with money to burn.

How much did we make, Ruby?

Oh, it's pretty shabby.

55 bucks.

You know, these people got
no sense of history, Dean.

Dean, this is... Jesus,

it's Joan Crawford's liquor cart, right?

See those scratches there?


I mean, they're from her fingernails

'cause she used it

to drag herself around the house

when she was too drunk to walk.

You know what a couple
of sissies offered me for that?


No way, $14.

No way, Jose.

No sale.

Buddy, that's Alan ladd's
suit of armor, honey.

Be so careful with it, okay?

Yeah, but you know what hurt
the most, Dean?

Goddamn Mexican lady thought

that shari Lewis' puppet
lambchop was a pot holder.

Pot holder?

Does this look like
a pot holder to you, Dean?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.


What do you want?

Buddy, I have oinky in my house again.

Come get him from me.

Buddy, you come get your pig
off of this pig.

Let pig get in my house.

I have piss and shit on my carpet.

And you, neighbor lady,
why all this racket?

When you go to finish
selling off your life?

I need my sleep.

It's not my fault you stayed up all night

bangin' a busload
of Japanese tourists, honey.

I know what you imply.

The hooker thing?


I am respectable woman
with big heart, entrepreneur.

Entrepe-whore you mean.

Now, get off of my threshold.

I call police you don't get crap
off my lawn now.

Listen, miss trifsy-trotsky,

I am just exercising my inalienable right

under the constitution and as a citizen

to have a yard sale.

Does this crotchless panties really belong

to the actress kirstie alley?

Yes, you have a good eye.

That's some quality scanty wear.

You could probably use that
for a tax deduction

for business purposes.

I make for you $1.


Thank you.

Now, Dean, you get this crap off my lawn,

or I tell Ruby that I make
hand job for you last Wednesday.

Right away.

"F" you, whore.


Dean, come on,

you better get this Heather Locklear's

tanning bed off of her lawn, okay?

Get it under the carport.

Oh, Buddy, did you take
your medication, soldier?

Where's your medication, Buddy?

What... where did you put...

money, ma.

Oh, jeez, you sold your medication, Buddy?

Two bucks?

Oh, hell, Dean.

I got to go to drug world,

pick up more of Buddy's pulaverin.

Jeez, Buddy, come on, look,

don't rub your head
against there like a sore bear.

Jesus Christ.

He sold his pulaverin.

I got to take a trip over to the drug world

and get some more.

There goes the 55 bucks.

You want some of this?
It's mostly tonic.

He'd sold his pulaverin.

Oh, jeez...

yeah, that wakes you up.

Good tonic.

Oh, god, this isn't working.

I'm tellin' you, I tried
to push the thing down.

Let me help you here, honey.

You got to get a good pump.

You have to have a good hip.

You have to... I know.

Just let me use my new one here.

Here, let me help you here, Deb.

You got to really... now it's goin'.

Now it's goin'.

Thanks, that's better.

Yeah, don't be embarrassed, miss...

it's backing up the sump.

Well, only you could do it, Ruby.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, I can do it.

I was just saying to Lynn about my Buddy

selling his medication at the yard sale.

'Cause you're used to kids
on medication, right, Debbie?

Well, yes.

You know, I saw your daughter

on one of those chick channels
the other day.

Yeah, she was saying, "hi," she says,

"I'm Carrie Fisher,
and I'm mentally ill."

She always makes it sound so amusin'.

Carrie's very open
about her bipolar problems.


Well, I hate to one-up you, Debbie,

but my Buddy's tripolar.

Ooh, that's a lot of poles.

I've never heard of that one.

He is.

Oh, yeah, but this drug he's on,

this pulaverin... it's new...

is wonderful.

It's like night and day.

So then he sells 'em at the yard sale.

I had to go right over to drug world

and pick up another prescription.


And, ooh, Debbie,

you will love this.

Remember Pepper Kane?

Was she a player under contract to Metro?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She was a protege of Danny Weisman's.

Oh, yeah, I remember Danny Weisman.

He added a lot of class to this business.

Yeah, well, I remember the day
he introduced me to Pepper.

I was working over at
the Warner's Hollywood lot.

Now, he arrived, oh,
sweatin' like a pig, as usual.


Oh, Mr. Weisman.

Wuby, Wuby, I need your help.

Yeah, sure.

But you got to promise not to
bweathe a goddamn word of this.

Oh, sure, Mr. Weisman,
anything you want, Mr. Weisman.

June Allyson is off the picture.


Everybody loves June.

Not me.

She wouldn't put out.

Oh, I get it.

Artistic differences, right?

Anyway, anyway, I found
this weally gweat tawent.

She's a wittle waw.

A wittle what?

Waw, waw, waw, waw,

waw, like steak.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Weisman.

I must have a little
wax buildup in the canal here.

Anyhow, anyhow, she's gonna be
a big goddamn star,

and I want you to make her
wook weally, weally gweat.


I want you to make her wook

exactly like that goddamn June Allyson.

Pepper, honey.


I... oh.

Is... is there a pwoblem with this or?

'Cause I can get someone else.

Oh, no, there's no problem
at all, Mr. Weisman.

Oh, I'm countin' on you, Wuby.

Yeah. All wight? Yeah, oh, yeah,

she's gonna be all white,

all wight.

All wight.

Okay, kid, come with me.

My name's miss Romaine.

Pepper Kane was black?

Oh, you're kidding me.

Oh, come on, Debbie.

Yes, everyone knows Pepper's...

well, you're always the last to know.

I'm not being mean, honey.

Remember Liz and Eddie?

Now, come on, she's...


You're hitting close to the mark there.

Of course Pepper Kane
was black, yeah, sure.

I... and Danny Weisman says to me,
you know, "you got to help me."

I had to make, uh,

kunta kinte's wife look
like a loaf of white bread.

Oh, jeez.

Because back then, let's face it,

you know, America wasn't
gonna stand for Vic Mature

rollin' around in the hay
with a black girl, right?

No, no, heavens no.

Today Billy Bob jumps on Halle Berry,

and it's Oscar time.


And it was hard makin' her look white.

I got a few ideas here, okay?

♪ ♪

Is Pepper weady, Wuby?

They're calling for her on the set.

The goddamn diwector
wants to see her wight away.

Almost, Mr. Weisman,

Let's go!
Let's go!

All right, Mr. Weisman,
she's ready.


Okay, hit it, Pepper.

Now, that is a miwacle, Wuby.

That's a goddamn miwacle.

Yeah, I have a gift.

You have two gifts.

Do you want to take 'em to Vegas
again this weekend?

Let's go to Las Vegas.

I'm sewious.

Whatever happened to Pepper Kane?

Well, this is it, see.

This is what I'm gettin' to.

That night, I'm pickin' up
Buddy's, uh, pulaverin.

And, um, I came out of the pharmacy,

and I could see
there were lights and trucks

and, you know, the whole nine yards.

There's filming.

And you know how you are
'cause you're in the business.

You always say,
"what you doin' here?"

What's shootin' here?

We got a music video.
Just keep movin'.

What kind of music?

I got a lot of shit
comin' through here, lady.

Just keep it movin'.
Move your ass.

Hey, don't you be talkin' to her that way.

She ain't listenin' to me, mama slurr p.

She's just standin' here.

Hey, come on, this just ain't any bitch

with a powder puff.

This here is an artiste.

Yeah, that's right.

Do I know you?

Hey, come on, Ruby, you forget me, girl?

Did we have a sort of argument
at the dmv last week?

'Cause I'm awful sorry about that.

Honey, I don't work at the dmv.

It's Pepper.

Pepper Kane.

Come on, you used to make me up white.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Pepper.

I don't recognize you as a full-on negress.

Honey, you came out.

I didn't just come out.

I came out on top.

Come on.
Come with me.

Hey, Ruby, let's catch up.

You need anything?
I'd like a cognac.

That what we're drinkin'?

Come on.
You heard of slurr p?

Yeah, that's my grandson.

Oh, yeah.

You go, slurr p, you and Bob Biggity.

He's the Bob Biggity.

No, you're the Biggity Bob, mom.

Oh, you Bob Biggity.

Oh, you go, you go.

This is gonna be great.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

He's great.

You know, I set up my whole family

with the money I got from my lawsuit.

Oh, did you have a slip and fall, Pepper?

No, Mr. Johnny Cochrane,
he got me a big settlement

in my racial discrimination suit.

And all them studios had to
go back over my old movies

and tint me up.


Yeah, yeah, you know that tinting up story.

Oh, yeah, I told you many times, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I said, "hey, listen to me.

I'm ready for my tint up."

Yeah, tint it.
Tint it.

Hey, and while you're fixin' shit,

give that bitch some lips and ass, right?

It's like a colorization process.

Oh, so how y'all been, Ruby girl?

Not too good, Pepper.

Yeah, the head of
the makeup union's in a coma,

and his son skip's in charge,

and he's been giving me a hard time.

Oh, skip.

He's one badass, motherfucker, crackhead,

whacked-out, shit-faced son of a whore.

And there ain't no denyin' it, Ruby girl.

Jeez, Pepper, you're so black now.

For real.

For real, right?

It's like old times, you know.

She's slappin' her thighs
and shakin' her Booty.

I says, "I can go around the corner,"

I says, "get my kit."

I can help you out here, you know.

And she just stopped,

stopped doing all the slappin' and shakin'

and high-fivin' and, you know,


And she says to me...

I can't do that, child.

We can't work with white people.

That just ain't done in this town.

Hey, hold on to this.

Hey, I want to see that stuff again.

Come on, let's get it on.

Let's get it on.

Okay, party's over.

I want to be in a good time.

I want to get on the car.

I want to dance.
I want to dance.

I want to dance with slurr p.

That's right.

♪ You're so delicious. ♪

♪ I just can't get enough. ♪

I'm dancin'.
I'm dancin'.


♪ That sweet, hot stuff. ♪

Oh, she said that to you?

Said that to me.

I tell you, Debbie, I was sore.

It hurt.

I went home,

and I says to Dean, I says,

"even little Pepper's
turned me away."

You know?

And after all I did for that slutty actor.

Jesus, the goddamn blacks are takin' over.

Hey, Ruby, what's going on?

And we're not watchin'
that Bernie Mac shit.

Not tonight.

I need a beer.

That's reverse racism.

You know, I didn't
even think of that, Lynn,

'cause you know me, I'm color-blind.


No, I hit bottom that night, I tell ya.

You know, I thought,

"I can't even get a job
with Pepper."

You know, I didn't have
the money for next month's rent.

And Buddy wasn't covered by medical.

I knew I had to do somethin'.

I thought, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,

"I'm gonna have to go see skip

and kiss
some major bundoo."

Oh, yeah.

So I went over to the westland compound.

Oh, it's a beautiful
multimillion-dollar home.

And it's built on a landfill,

but you'd never know it,

except when the lawn lets out a fart.




I got a little gift basket for you here.

And I want...

oh, should I just let myself in here?


Just leave it on the table.

Well, I kind of need to see you.

Oh, jeez, I got to sign?

All right, bring it in.



Home looks beautiful, skip.

I love these stencil-y palm
patterns you got goin' on here.

It's beautiful.


doing very well.

It's firming up nicely.

If you could just sit still,

you're gonna get
a very nice facial impression.

Okay, now, if you start to flip out,


Just ring that little bell,

and we'll come pop you out of there.

Take 15, 20 minutes.

Oh, what do you want?


this sausage, cheese, fudge,

and beautiful Algerian Merlot here

is my way of saying

I was wrong;
You were right.

Let's bury the hatchet.

Let bygones be bygones and all of that.

And for goddamn sake,

let me back on the roster, would ya?

Ruby, you see I'm working here?

I got a movie star in the chair right now.

Oh, hi, there, Harrison, hi.

It's Ruby Romaine.

Yeah, I worked with you
on that Anne heche picture.

Hey, it got a beautiful review
in mademoiselle.

They liked it.

Okay, let's go.

Uh, I'll be... I'll be right back.

You are so goddamn unprofessional.

I thought you didn't need the union, huh?

Whatever happened to "screw you, skip"?

Yeah, well, I didn't know
what I was sayin'.

The hell you didn't.

Now, get your sorry ass outta here.

Let's go!

Skip, what did I ever do to you?

I've been lyin' awake nights wonderin'.

I mean, is it 'cause of that time

at the manimal wrap party

when I spilled cranberry and vodka

on your suede pants?

I forgot about that.

Come on, let's go!

Skip, if you think that me
and Wally havin' an affair

was what sent your mom to the madhouse,

then let me tell ya right here and now,

hand on my heart, skip,

that your mom was nuts

long before I started diddlin' your dad.

Shut up!

Shut up!



why the hell would I want you
back on the roster?

I am sick to death
of all of you old people.

I swore to myself
that when I Rose to power,

I was gonna clean house.

Anybody whose resume
was pre- petticoat junction

was out, including you,

especially you.

So why don't you just tell your story...

hold on, there, skip.

Listen, you're gonna be old one day, skip.

You're gonna need six pairs
of glasses to read a call sheet.

And I hope your prostate

flares up like a grease pan fire,

and I hope it happens on a night shoot

with a rain machine,

with a blocked porta-potty,

and the only sympathy you get, honey,

is the director is screamin', "cut, print,

and get that old fart
off of the set and shoot him."

Well, we was screamin'
fit to bustin' the canyon here.

And I had nothin' to lose,

and then god damn it,
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,

you'll never guess who walked in.

Uh, Pepper.


Not Pepper.

Why on earth's Pepper
comin' through the door?

Oh, I don't know.
I was following the story.

No, it wasn't Pepper.



Look who's out of their coma.


Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,

it's Wally.

Yeah, you know, it was the damndest thing.

I was laying in the bed,

and I saw a light beckoning,

and I walked towards it,

and when I got to the end of the tunnel,

I wasn't at the pearly gates.

I was at the nurses' center, you know?

And they were watchin'
some Filipino variety show

and eating... and eating pot noodles.

I scared the shit out of 'em.

Don't that beat all?

It sure does, Wally.

Oh, honey, Wally.

How's your retirement treatin' you, rube?

Oh, that's the thing, Wally, see.

I decided I guess I don't wanna.

Well, that's news that's worth
comin' out of a coma for.


Yeah, I was just happened
to come over and ask skip

to put me back on the roster.

Why, that's easy.

Skipper, you'll take care
of that Ruby, won't ya?

Yeah, oh...

thanks, there, skipper.

Oh, you know,

Harrison's stopped ringin'
his bell, there, skip.

I hope he's not dead.

Oh, hell.

Can you imagine if Harrison Ford
was dead in your studio?


Look at him go.


Betsy wetsy.

Betsy wetsy, yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, Wally, no, no, not yet.

I want you to get better.

It's a nice way to die.

We got to... what do you got to do, honey?

You got a sheet from the hospital?

You speak English?

Yeah, you want me to flush his shunt?

I don't mind.
I'll do that.

And when he heard what skip had done to me,

he took him off of the roster.

Yeah, and the last I heard

is that skip was doing, uh, makeup

for that road tour of that play,

the puppetry of the penis.

You know, the fellas' response
to the vagina monologues.

A dick makin' up a dick.

You got a way with words, Lynn.

Yeah, so he got his.

Thank you very much.

Yeah. Yes siree Bob. Good for you.

You deserve it.

I'm back in the union,

and I'm never gonna leave again.

And I'm gonna work till I die,

and I love it.

We're ready for miss Reynolds.

And miss Reynolds is ready for you.

Does look like Debbie Reynolds.


Thanks, Ruby.
God bless, I love you.

Now, listen, honey,

I'm gonna be out there to check you.

You look beautiful.

See you on the ice, baby.

Okay, girls.

You look wonderful.

Debbie Reynolds.

She had a little work done.

I don't think so.

I think she's a freak of nature.

I didn't see the scars...

Ready for me?

Oh, yeah!
Look who's here.

It's old home week.
Rose Marie.

Everybody's in today.
How are ya?

All right.
How are you?

Come on, then, let's get... take a chair.

In you go.
Up you go.

Jeez, I haven't seen you in so long.

I haven't seen you since...

When was it?

Was it on
Marcus Welby, m.D.?

No, no, no, oh, hell.

You know what it was?

We had a lot of laughs on this.

When was that?

You were in that movie
of the week as Mrs. Santa Claus.

Oh, that's right, right.

And I was sweatin' like a pig in that hat.

Yeah, why you wouldn't take your bow off.

I got to tell you this.

You know what Vincent price always said?

What'd he say?

Vincent said, "the reason
I can't take the bow out,

it's nailed into my head."

Leave it to him.

He was a sweet man.

He was a wonderful man, you know?

Sweet, sweet man.

I think I need a little right here...

yeah, you'll need something for your shine,

but you're not gonna need a lot.

So you're... they're showin' some clips,

right, on the show,

and you're gonna talk about the old days?

I want to see you do somethin' new.

I don't want to talk about the old days.

The old days are over and done with.

Let's talk about today.

Is the kid comin'?
Is he gettin' coffee for us?

I'm tryin' to tell a story here.