Toys (1992) - full transcript
An eccentric toymaker's last wish is that his brother takes over the running of the business. The brother is a military General, and is out of touch with toymaking, and out of touch with reality too. The business should really have been given to Leslie, who was much more like his toymaking father. When the General starts making weapons instead of toys, Leslie decides to take action.
I'm sorry for the note of urgency...
...in the telegram, but we don't think
he has much longer.
Actually, of course,
he shouldn't even be here today...
...but you know your brother.
This factory's his life.
What's the status
on Kenneth's condition?
He could go at any time.
Is that confirmed,
or is that just scuttlebutt?
Oh, no, no, no. The doctors
are in agreement. It's imminent.
It was a heartbreaking decision to make,
but I had no choice.
I'd always planned to turn the reins
of the business over to my son, les...
...or even my daughter, alsatia...
...but he's just not prepared at this time
for that kind of responsibility.
And she's, well....
That's why I wanted
to see you before I die.
I have a proposal to make.
I know you were always father's favorite.
You followed in his footsteps,
and I didn't.
But I made this company what it is today,
and I'm proud of that fact.
And I'm not about to let it die with me.
I want you to take over
the presidency of zevo toys.
-And give up the military?
I know you haven't been happy
They gave it away, Kenneth.
Let's face it, Leland.
Your glory days are over.
Your great war is never going to come.
It would be a shame to let
your leadership qualities go to waste.
You want me to give up my commission
and step into your shoes?
I think it would be well worth your while.
But more importantly,
it's a new challenge, Leland...
...a chance for you to be your own
man for once in your life...
...a place to be appreciated.
What do you think?
Total control of the company?
What about alsatia and Leslie?
Well, I'd like them to remain with the
company. They love it. It's their world.
And I hope, one day,
with your help...
...Leslie will be able to succeed you
when you retire.
You see, he just doesn't
have the ambition to--
I'll call the paramedics, sir.
Dorothy, call the paramedics, quickly.
What's going on?
Are you all right, Kenny?
It's his heart.
After his operation last year...
...he hooked up his propeller
to his pacemaker.
It's sort of an early warning signal.
It's whimsical, Leland.
Kenneth, I beg you
to reconsider your decision.
Owens, my brother holds the key,
the key to Leslie finally growing up.
Kenneth, it's such a terrible risk to take.
I mean, your son is such a....
So am I.
Leslie, alsatia, ready?
-Finished tidying up?
The limousine's waiting.
I'd rather drive dad's car,
if you don't mind, Owen.
And so this gentle man
goes to his final rest...
...leaving behind him a legacy
of innocence and laughter.
When the child of today
becomes the peace-loving...
...citizen of tomorrow, he will be partially
indebted to this great man.
And yet, when I say man,
i mean in body only.
For he was the eternal child in all of us.
The sorrow that we feel....
The sorrow that we feel....
The sorrow that we feel, however....
Good one, dad.
The sorrow that we feel
is tempered, however...
...in the knowledge
that angels, somewhere...
...are trumpeting this man's tin horns.
Tin horns. I like that.
Tin horns are fun.
Don't you think we should take out
the barrel of laughs?
Dad would want us to leave it.
The batteries will run out in a few hours.
I just love that, tin horns.
It just stays with me.
I know what you mean.
I want a tour of the factory
first thing in the morning.
Big ears, take three.
These ears are so big we're
gonna have a problem with Disney.
-I think you look like fievel.
I think maybe a little ornamentation
would bring attention to them...
-...if people are missing it.
-That's very interesting.
Are we making fun of people
with big ears?
We're making fun of people
with small heads.
Either way, we're gonna get letters
from the royal family. It's not good.
Can we make the fingernails filthier?
That's a nice effect.
-It's kind of like--
-it's too shiny.
I have gen. Zevo with me.
Great. We're watching
the novelty tests. Care to join?
Doggy doo test, take eight.
Oh, bad dog. Bad. Do you have
any newspaper or anything?
Any newspaper that
you can use to get that with?
I shouldn't leave that in a food store.
-That's very good.
-A sweater on the leash...
...and then the poop dispenser.
-Maybe crap in a can.
-Oh, that's good.
-Or a bath product, shampoop.
-Do people want to take poop in the tub?
-Only if it floats.
Well, we've all done it.
This is not a shared experience.
They get paid for this?
He's just wondering
if something's wrong with this.
-Oh, it's alsatia.
She likes to wear clip-on clothing
and dolls' wigs to work.
She insists on trying
everything out on herself first.
-Looney bird. Let's get this over with.
Oh, everything's all set for you to see.
The fabrics are here.
The doll prototypes are here.
Some of the new fashion
illustrations are here.
Not interested in sissy stuff.
Don't you want to see
the new doll designs?
I think they could be very endearing.
I'm in the mood for smoked chicken.
How about you?
-Smoke, that's funny.
-Thank you. Is that you, alsatia?
-What is it?
-It's a smoking jacket.
-It's our new novelty/apparel thing.
-That's a great deal of fun, Leslie...
...but can't you put yourself out?
I wish I could, Owen.
Let me find the off button.
I think a boat's coming.
It's a large boat.
Owen, save the women and children.
I'll go down with the general.
Well, that's better.
Remind me to make a note.
Make off button more accessible.
There it is.
Now that you've seen
the factory, what do you think?
Ready to take over zevo?
That's one decision
i cannot make on my own.
I have to see somebody else first.
Come along, Owens.
-Owen, who does he have to see?
-I believe he's going to see his father.
I thought he was dead.
Oh, I know. I know.
You're a four star general.
I know. You have four stars to my three.
Every time I come here, you turn
that cursed light on to remind me...
...to humiliate me.
I could have had four stars, daddy...
...if it wasn't for this cursed
British accent of mine.
You had to be stationed
in england during my formative years.
It's your fault. I've never been taken
for a real American.
-Why didn't you see a linguist?
-I went to see a linguist.
I went to see a dialect coach.
And the best I can do is:
You men stand over there and remain
at attention until further notice.
They didn't buy it.
Yeah. Well, look,
i need your advice, daddy.
You see, just before Kenny died,
he asked me to take over his company.
-No, no, you don't understand, dad.
You see, there's a serious problem
with the military right now.
It's whether it's worth
the cost or not.
Hell, communism just went into the toilet
and the budget fell out of the military.
-The military is not what it once was.
-There will be another war.
There won't be another war,
not the kind we know. War has changed.
You can't even trust
your own troops anymore.
Why, daddy, in Vietnam one night...
...one of my own men tried to frag me.
No, no. I said frag me!
He tried to shoot me.
Please try to understand, daddy.
I'm not giving up on the military,
the military gave up on me.
-Well, change sides.
-I can't change sides, you silly old fart.
There's no sides to change sides to.
I've got no options left.
I'm out of a job.
Look, please. Please, daddy, what the
hell am I gonna do? Will you tell me that?
Daddy, what am I going to do?
Daddy, should I take over
-You free tonight, Debbie?
To achieve Kenneth's vision of the
future, we must continue to modernize...
...but not just for the sake
It requires the integration
of new concepts and designs...
...with the training of our employees
in new technologies and equipment.
However, Kenneth felt very strongly
that some of the older toys are unique...
...because we never attempted to update
them in pursuit of perceived trends.
To guide this modernization,
we need to have and initiate...
area plans for modernization...
...to link the past with the future.
Fred, I think you want to
take over this point.
Thank you. We've been getting good play
from the new Mr. minky doll.
It's a leader and a unique doll
in the marketplace.
Our home video games
are doing exceedingly well...
...particularly "big argyles," "felsors,"
"osmosis" and "helos course"...
That's a fabulous game.
It's better than "Mr. squirt's night out."
and "Bob goes camping."
Fred, I haven't heard anything
on the t-3100 racer.
-Where are we in development?
-I'll answer that.
We've been holding on that because
the advance plans for the t-3100...
...appear to be incorporated into
axle's designs for their racer...
...which would beat us
to the marketplace.
This is an unfortunate setback. We're
sure those plans were leaked to axle.
Leaked? Did somebody say
the plans were leaked?
Oh, every so often a degree of industrial
espionage, so to speak, does occur.
Espionage. Owens, would you
give me a moment of your time, please?
Can you believe axle?
I don't know why they come
up with what they come out with.
"Guns and noses."
What type of toy is that?
They came out with a toy
called "carnival Joe."
-You can add your own fingers and teeth.
I don't know.
What's with the whole new line?
-Sir, we're in the supply closet.
-Are we really?
Now, tell me about
that espionage problem.
-keep your voice down.
-Well, general, the stealing of toy--
-i can't hear you.
-i still can't hear you.
-Well, the stealing-- all right?
-That's fine. That's good. Carry on.
The stealing of toy designs
is not unusual in this business.
You see, we're not set up
to protect ourselves.
I know the perfect man
to deal with this trouble.
-Patrick zevo, my son.
I must apologize for my son.
He's usually very punctual.
-Where is he coming from?
-Alsatia, he's with covert operations.
So let's just leave it at that, all right?
-Yes, perhaps I will.
-The deviled eggs look good.
Oh, that's a quick egg, isn't it?
Look at that egg scramble.
Getting a little egg-cited.
Talk about fresh,
these are rude. Look.
These eggs are acting--
maybe they really are deviled eggs.
Look at that, they're possessed.
El huevo del diablo. Save yourself.
Get away from here.
You must go away from here.
Quickly, get some toothpicks.
Make a cross. See what's happening?
Suck my yellows-- save yourselves
from these appetizers from hell.
Quick. Run. Tell the village.
Look at that.
Stand back, it's gonna spit.
I can't control myself any longer!
-How do you do that?
-It's one of dad's favorite novelty items.
-You're as big a fool as your father.
You really think so? Thank you.
I'm getting very hungry.
I want my dinner now.
Then let's eat.
The sofa's hungry too.
-Patrick, my son.
-That was wonderful.
-That's a neat trick.
I don't play tricks.
Patrick's in camouflage
so he can have full surveillance...
...of the situation before his presence
is known. That right?
Is that all you're having?
White bread's the worst thing.
No, it isn't.
It's very soft and pliable.
It slides down the system
without disturbing anything.
-There's no nutrition in that sandwich.
-Yes, there is. Vitamin pills.
You always look the same age.
Patrick, remember staying here as a kid?
I'll never forget--
I told your mother not to leave you here.
When was that?
The time you had mom
join you in Vietnam.
That's right. She never came back.
I'm sorry. You loved her
very much, didn't you?
I'm not ashamed to admit it, because dad
did everything he could to save her.
That's right, son.
Dee Dee was a wonderful woman...
is a respecter of no one.
By the time we knew
something was wrong--
Come on, take it easy.
-I'll never forgive myself, Patrick.
-All right. I know.
That's just the vitamin b complex.
It's vitamin e I have the problems with.
Gelatin capsule gets stuck
in between my teeth...
...and then the stuff inside
mixes with the mayonnaise--
-enjoying the wine, general?
-It's fine. It's fine.
It's a good Bordeaux, isn't it?
It's got a good nose.
May I have some more?
-You want more?
-I can't get enough of it.
Patrick, now that you've joined
the ranks of zevo toys...
...what are your plans for the situation?
Patrick's bringing in a special force.
We'll begin with the interrogation
of every man and woman.
We'll set up security so no one can
leave or enter without our knowledge.
-Do we get to wear badges?
I take a very nice picture.
As for me, I'll be meeting
with our designers...
...so we can begin production
of our new line.
-A new line?
-I'm noodling with the idea...
...of putting in some war toys.
-We've never made war toys at zevo.
-That's most unusual.
It's a natural idea
for you to make war toys.
We never did, because dad
didn't like the idea of war toys.
He thought that war
was the domain of a small penis.
Well, is that so, Leslie?
Well, I'd really be most grateful, Leslie...
...if you would assist me in this area.
That all right?
-Dad, to war toys.
What do you think of my bringing Leslie
into the war toy department?
-Smart tactical maneuver.
-I thought you'd see it that way.
Like you always said,
treat your friends like your enemies...
...and your enemies like your friends.
-Tell your driver to stop here.
-I'm getting out.
-You don't know where you are.
-Always in training?
See you in the morning.
That's my boy.
"The cat chased the rat all day,
till they finally found each other's name."
-I don't understand.
-It's a fable.
-No, no, no.
I don't understand why daddy
let uncle Leland take over zevo toys.
You'd think he would have
left Owen in charge.
-No, dad knew better.
Well, one thing I know is strange.
And that man is strange.
How are you going to work with him,
especially on war toys?
Sometimes it's better to dress up
like a lamb to tempt the wolf.
Oh, I see. Just like daddy always said.
Treat your friends like your friends
and your enemy like your enemy.
Yeah, you use your noodle.
Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Night, night, alsatia.
Can I help you?
You're aware we're doing
...with each employee to determine
if there's been security leaks?
Would you mind if I asked
a few questions?
So that's it, is it? Six weeks of work
and that's all you've come up with?
These are preliminary drawings.
Just to give you an idea
of what direction we're moving into.
Come in, Leslie.
Sorry, I'm late. I had a little problem
with my ID check.
Maybe we did live near a toxic dump
when I was a kid.
Oh, this is our new body of sound coat.
It works by Mercury switches
and movement and.... hold on a second.
Sit down, Leslie.
-Oh, I'll get it.
-Sit down, Leslie.
You behave like a buffoon.
"Buffoon," a very interesting word.
I wonder what the derivation of that is.
I love etymology of words. Maybe
it's a combination of balloon and buffalo.
Or maybe buffer and fool.
Maybe it's from the Latin word
"buffomatus," he who carries the pickle.
All right. Miss drum, is that the extent
of what you had to show the general?
Yes, it is.
In terms of military toys, do you consider
this competitive with other companies?
-With most of the products, definitely.
-What do the rest of you think?
Well, I'll tell you what I think.
I think this is baby shit...
...compared with what other
I want realism, imagination, excitement.
-But, sir, I honestly--
-all right. You're all excused now.
Out you go.
Don't you think you were a little rough
on them? They're civilians.
This wasn't a social call.
But they've been
with the company for years.
-That's enough, Leslie.
I should get the cream for my coffee.
I do need some cream.
Thank you very much.
Can I get you anything, Owen?
A kaiser roll?
-No, thank you.
-Anything for you, general?
A cruise missile, something like that?
Automatic weapon? Sorry, sir.
I'll work this out.
It just needs a little tune-up.
I've got my work cut out, Owen.
I'm surrounded by fools.
I've been a bad boy.
Are you miss Gwen Tyler?
-We're doing some routine questions.
Does any duplicating go on around
here when you're not present?
-Do you duplicate alone?
-That's kind of a personal question.
-You're laughing, miss Tyler.
Are you taking my
duplication investigation seriously?
Or are you disrespecting
my duplication investigation?
No, I'm not disrespecting.
I'm just saying that
there's no way I can check...
...because I leave at a certain time.
duplicating is taking place.
When duplicating takes place,
that means that there's more than one.
There may be two or three, miss Tyler.
Two, three or four.
Y'all are joking.
Are y'all kidding with me?
I'm talking about duping. Duping.
I just work here.
-Are you in charge of duplication?
Show me how this
duplicating machine works.
I want to learn the process.
Duplication is a serious offense.
You understand that?
-That means whatever was duplicated--
-what's going on here?
-Everything looks pretty secure to me.
-She's clean. Let's go.
-I'll see you later, cousin.
-Oh, yeah. I'll chill, will.
Hey, the coast is clear.
You can come out now.
That can't be good for your hair.
You can come out now.
-How are you?
-Sorry, I'm fine.
-It's all right.
-You're new here, aren't you?
I know you're a little upset, but
you've got to let it go or get over it.
Pick one of those. Any one.
-Who was that man?
-That's my cousin.
-I'll tell you what....
-I can't believe the treatment here.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
How about a little smile or something?
Wait a minute,
is this what you were up to?
Arts and crafts, this is fabulous.
Look at that face.
Is that a great face or what?
That's Michael Jackson before and after.
I've never had surgery, never.
You have a look like a deer in front
of a peterbilt. Kind of:
Hit the brakes, al. Hit the brakes.
I love this one.
This is a very attractive one.
This one should go on sports illustrated.
Not the swimsuit issue, but the boxing.
I should have never got in the ring,
but I will take him in three rounds.
I want the belt to go with my purse.
See? Hi. There you're laughing.
Hi, how are you? I'm Leslie zevo.
-You're back. Welcome to the living.
I'm very silly,
but that's what I do for a living.
What kind of sandwiches
do you have, Joe?
Oh, ham and cheese, Turkey,
chicken salad, shrimp salad.
Joe, I'm very disappointed that you
never once had an applesauce sandwich.
Applesauce? Ms. zevo,
the sandwich will get all soggy.
-Oh, I don't mind.
-I'll make you one tomorrow, okay?
Thank you very much. I'll just have
the mayonnaise sandwich again today.
-Is this seat taken?
-No, sit down.
-Do you like my security badge?
-It's very nice.
-I told you I take a good picture.
-That you did.
-Don't you like your lunch?
-I hate it when food touches.
-You remind me a lot of my brother.
-Impossible. We're exact opposites.
That's what I mean.
He's silly and soft on the outside...
...but strong on the inside,
and you're just the opposite.
Can I have the tuna salad, please?
-Here you are.
You're getting the tuna?
I hope that's dolphin-safe.
Joe, how long do you think
she can be out of the water?
I'm so glad
he finally discovered her.
I think love is wonderful.
Your mother once said to love and--
-can we not talk about my mother?
I know what a delicate
subject that is with you.
I can't even eat.
The food keeps touching.
I like military plates. I'm a military man.
I want a military meal.
I want my string beans
to be quarantined.
I like a fortress around my potatoes so
the meat loaf doesn't invade them...
...and cause mixing in my plate!
I hate it when food touches!
I'm a military man.
You understand? And don't let
your food touch either, please.
No calories. That's good. Because if
i have a whole calorie, I just blow up.
I get such bloat. Two or three
calories and I'm like the michelin man.
-Do you have that problem?
-No, my mama does, though.
-Yeah, I usually don't drink...
...artificial sweeteners. I like
just plain old soda, you know?
-I mean, sugar can't hurt you, really.
I did an experiment where I put sugar
and artificial sweetener on the sidewalk.
Within a minute, ants are all over
the sugar, doing a little ant-dance...
...and by the artificial sweetener, they
have ants in hardhats going:
"Move on through."
-Where are you from?
-Here. Like what I've done with it?
-Were you born in here?
-No, not born here.
I was born in the back
of a bumper car.
-That's what's wrong with you, I think.
-That's it. It's a boy!
Hi. This is sure fun.
You don't have a lip.
-Well, I'm working on that.
-That's that insecure face.
That's the face of two people who--
-who don't like themselves.
-They can be okay with it.
If they kiss, they basically will,
-They bump teeth.
-And they hurt each other.
-Then they feel bad about each other.
Then they're like two
lizards in the sun.
That's the type of face
you basically want to go:
-I haven't laughed this much in years.
Do you ever get that thing
where you just laugh like:
-Is that you?
-In a moment. Yes, it is. Stop it.
These are a lot of fun.
Put your finger in there. Don't be afraid.
These are good for a laugh.
Why is it that bodily
functions are always funny?
-So where are we going?
I want to see what
the competition is selling.
I'll take the back way.
-You okay, dad?
I'm just practicing.
Later, Leslie likes to come
and hear me sing.
-You sing in the ladies' room?
-Acoustics. Good acoustics.
I just don't understand
the two of you.
Well, we love to sing
and do moves.
And he likes
to joke around a lot.
And that makes me laugh.
Then we go get something to eat.
Wanna try it?
No, I don't think so.
Everyone sounds good right here.
-I don't think you should do that again.
-You like Leslie?
I'm so glad you appreciate him.
Maybe it would be better as a duet.
-Maybe your voice would sound...
-...a little more acceptable that way.
-"Tank gunner." Like a game, pat?
-Yes, sir, but you go first.
I'll see if I haven't lost my touch.
What have we got here? Helicopters,
500 points. Tanks, 300 points.
-What's the penalty here?
-Minus 1000 for shooting a u.N. Truck.
That's an awfully big penalty
for hitting a u.N. Truck.
-Give me a quarter, pat.
-I'll put it in for you.
Here we go.
Here we are.
This takes me right back.
Takes me right back, Patrick.
Right back to my youth.
Dad, you got minus 1000 penalty.
You hit the u.N. Truck.
They have no business being there.
Always where they're not wanted.
I'm gonna get them sons of bitches.
White truck men.
I nearly hit a tank there.
Don't wanna start doing that
with the u.N. About.
There goes another one.
There he goes. Yes!
You see that?
-How do you feel?
Great name. That's what
we'll call it. The woozy helmet.
-What do you think about it?
-Oh, I think it's a winner.
-You really do?
-Oh, yeah. You bet.
I didn't know where I was, and then
i was coming up through this thing.
And then I thought I was going
to fall off, and I felt seasick, and:
-It's just a prototype. It'll get better.
-I think this is some of your best work.
Thanks. If you put
in a different cartridge...
...you can have an entirely
You could take a ride
and never leave your helmet.
Take trips and
not lose your bags!
I think daddy would
be very proud of you.
-This is a little uncomfortable, though.
-Well, that's supposed to go in your ear.
-You wanna take another trip?
Look at that.
We don't have anything like that.
I ask my designer for decent war toys,
they give me diddlysquat.
Other companies have been
designing war toys for years.
I don't have years.
Gotta get on with it. Time's ticking.
Gotta push these designers.
Subtitles by dw817
Google me !
I've been here before.
I know it. I'm sure of it.
Perhaps in another lifetime.
Maybe even in a battle.
You probably played here with Kenny
when you were kids, dad.
-Want a ride?
-No. Thank you.
A little long in the tooth
for training wheels.
-You drive out here just to insult me?
-Au contraire, mon chère.
-This is my way home.
-No, it isn't.
-How about this?
-Can you get over.
You're hogging the road.
You're hogging the road.
Come on. Let me give you a lift,
and I'll teach you how to ride that bike.
-Because I wanna get laid.
My daddy would just
have a field day with you.
I bet I'd be swinging
from some tree.
No. I like you.
Well, I like you too.
-That's why we shouldn't see each other.
You don't take things
very seriously, do you?
What do you mean, "take things
seriously"? What about this hat?
-Of course I take things seriously.
Like, "save the whales, win
interesting prizes." I founded that.
Okay. Well, how about this?
You know the general?
I'm gonna have a confrontation with him.
I don't want them to make war toys.
I'm gonna get him
to change his mind.
-Are you serious?
-No. Yes. Really. Yeah. Sure. Maybe.
-See? There is no hope with you.
Seriously, if I convince
the general no war toys...
...will you let me take off
your training wheels?
I'll think about it.
You ever wonder why an airplane
has to be a certain size?
-Because somebody has to get inside it.
What happens if
you don't need a pilot?
What if you just have remote-control
planes that carry deadly weapons?
You saw it back there at the store.
There were toy tanks, toy planes.
Can you imagine what it would be like
if we perfected a toy-sized plane...
...that had deadly fighting capabilities?
-Little remote-control planes?
You saw those kids
back there at the arcade.
They have better hand-eye coordination
than any pilot you'll ever see.
Little children can fly
Patrick, it's only the weaponry
Can you imagine the savings if
we reduced the cost of planes?
Say, $450 million apiece down to
$5000. That's what I'm talking about.
The military today, pat, costs too much.
I'm talking about a cheap military...
...an inexpensive military
for the future.
You can't eliminate the military, so you
have to have a military you can afford.
Little tanks, little planes,
A toy-sized military
with deadly fighting weapons.
You give me half a billion dollars,
the cost of one stealth bomber...
...I'll give you one million toy-sized
planes. And I guarantee one thing, pat:
No one's gonna spot them
on the radar screens.
Hey! You remember when that kid
threw a beechnut right into red square?
He flew a beechcraft,
not a beechnut.
beach blanket, beach ball, beach bum.
What difference does it make?
He flew the plane right into red square.
Remember those kids
at the video screens?
What difference does it make
if it's real or false?
It's all the same on the video screens.
It's just a game to them.
It's warfare without a conscience.
It's the greatest concept ever known.
It's brilliant. I'll rise like a Phoenix
on the ashes of greatness.
Me, the greatest military genius
the world's ever known.
Tomorrow we start building the littlest
armada known to mankind.
Leland Helena zevo!
Let that be a lesson to you.
Always carry a flare.
I always feel like I'm witnessing
the last temptation of Barbie.
Well, this model's
holding out nicely.
The only way a child could pull this one
apart is if he took it to a tractor-pull.
I just love that.
-May I speak to you?
-By all means.
Carry on, Owen.
General, for the first time in my life,
I've given some--
why don't you watch where you're
going, you great egghead? Let's go.
You should stop.
You'll be guilty of a hit-and-run.
Always run when you've hit.
I think it would be a terrible
mistake for us to make war toys.
-Oh, you do, do you?
We have a tradition
of whimsy here.
Dad began that tradition, and it carries
all the way through the new line.
To make us manufacture military toys
would be a philosophical contradiction.
-I cannot support that.
-Thank you very much.
I have to be honest. I thought
the war toy department was a good idea.
But I see now it would take too long.
It would be a difficult task
to establish a new department...
...a bit like going against the grain.
Why tamper with tradition?
-Well, that's my thinking exactly.
-Oh, hallelujah and goodbye.
-You know what I'd like to do?
I'd like to have
more space to myself...
-...develop my own toy ideas.
-Noodle about, as they say.
-Yes, just noodling.
-Well, I would like to noodle.
-How's it going?
Fine, fine. I might need
a little more space, though.
-Okay. Sure. Go ahead.
-Thank you. Bye-bye.
Going to need a teeny
bit more space.
We're getting awfully
cramped in here.
We're gonna need
that much more space.
This is some
very innovative vomit.
Except this one.
Looks like you could put maybe...
...a piece of carrot and a pea
there to draw your eye to it.
I agree with you. It should have
more consistency to it.
Since your uncle started his project,
the budget for novelties has been cut.
We don't have money for peas
and carrots? Come on, that is a classic.
-Without it, it's not funny.
-No one's going to buy vomit without it.
-What about noodles? They're cheap.
-Normally you don't see noodles in vomit.
-Have you ever been to the pasta barn?
In order to be competitive in the world,
we need more of an international nausea.
Could we cater to Asian people?
That would make me very happy.
This vomit is very ethnocentric. This is
obviously the vomit of the white man.
-We can have the teriyaki toss.
-That's a bavarian blow.
-That's very interesting.
-It titillates me, and that's wrong.
-Yeah, this is almost like braille.
It appeals to a male market.
Is this room getting smaller?
We're being attacked
by a crossword puzzle.
-I like this one very much.
-That's our oktoberfest model...
-...the brat splat.
-How'd it test?
-Very well. 90 percent recommend it.
-What's the gag factor?
-We are working here!
-What is this?
-That's a tofu toss.
It's very nice. Why do we
have coconut and mushrooms here?
-This is diarrhea. It doesn't belong here.
-Send it to the poop department.
This is ham and pineapple.
-We're calling that Maui chowie.
-That's very colorful. What's that?
Duck sausage and cilantro.
We call it the Wolfgang Chuck.
-There's the Wyatt urp. I love that one.
-We added okra. Now it's a Bible belch.
What the hell is going on here?
Sorry, the general needed more room.
Didn't mean to scare anyone.
You guys need
to change your diet.
Owen, how much room
does he need?
It's not just a matter of space.
We're losing people every day.
Some more designers just quit.
What's he building?
Paul bunyan toys?
I don't think it's a matter of working big.
Leslie, look down there.
More of them arrive every day.
He'd better be making something very
cute, or I'm going to be really annoyed.
This is new.
Dad, where are you?
Oh, daddy, I need you. The general
closed down my department...
...and Owens is afraid,
and Leslie isn't doing anything...
...and nobody knows what
anybody else is doing...
...and there's all these new people,
and all these old people are quitting.
Remember fay mackintaw, the one
who painted the lips on the alligators?
Well, she's gone. Can you believe it?
Fay mackintaw's gone.
If something doesn't happen really soon,
we're all gonna be in the shithouse.
I think you know I don't use that
term very loosely. I most often mean it.
Boy, those are great batteries.
-I know. I heard about it.
-They closed down my office.
Are you going to
do something about it?
What is happening here?
She's so fragile.
I don't know what to do.
I got him to stop making war toys, but
he is up to something. I wanna know.
I think we're a bit early for the parade.
Do you have enough helium?
I like that one, Bob. Here it comes.
It's the incredible yuppie float.
-Why don't you ask him?
-What do you mean?
Why don't you go up to him and say,
"what are you doing?"
Get out of here.
Just--? Just go up and ask
the general directly what he's doing?
Cut through the fabric of our society
of obtuse and avoidance?
I mean, where do you get off?
That is so out there.
-You're making fun of me.
-No, I'm not.
I need a glass of champagne.
Would you like one?
How about a little
Stick around. We may be
too tired to walk back.
There you go.
Just a tad.
Just a hair of the dog.
Your daddy was right.
-He told me I'd like you.
-You met my dad?
-He hired me.
My father hired you?
The day before he passed away.
I don't know why.
Maybe I do know why.
-Pick a state.
Pick another one.
What the hell is that?
This is a nice piece here.
This will be fine.
You're absolutely right. I've got to walk
right up to him and ask what's going on.
Tomorrow. He's busy right now.
Maybe I'll fax him.
Damn! He spooked the horses.
We may have to walk back.
-Excuse me, general.
-I need some answers.
-Fire away, lad.
-Will you tell me what's going on?
-Would you give me a sneak preview?
I don't want you to laugh at my efforts.
Me being a novice, so to speak.
-I have to run along.
-Before you go...
-...why are you hiring children?
-You saw little people?
-I was looking down from my window--
-that's your angle. You're looking down.
All I know is that they were little.
In the empire state building,
looking down, people look like ants.
You're looking from the third-floor
window, people look very much smaller.
see, Owen. I've got the security card.
Get us into the restricted area.
-That's a coup!
-Isn't it? But the problem is...
...getting down that corridor
past the surveillance camera.
Have you any idea at all how
we're going to get down the corridor?
Shimera, would you check if anyone
handed in my glasses?
-I can't see a thing without them.
-Sure, Mr. Owens.
Harvey, you wanna look
in your drawer too?
They have wire rims.
-Not here, Mr. Owens. Sorry.
Can't find his glasses.
Like they're in my drawer.
-Seaview, go ahead.
-We're under attack by--
it looks like some kind of
mutated plant. It's enormous!
We're gonna try to break loose.
To less than 500 yards.
Reduce speed to one-third
and stand by to reverse engines.
Who are they?
It says, "yolanda and Steve."
I think they're terrific.
Wait a minute. If this is regular TV,
then what is this?
I think it's patched into the cable.
-How did we get patched into cable?
-I don't know.
-I bet they're lip-synching.
-No, this looks like real.
They all lip-synch.
They can't sing.
-Sure. With her, maybe.
Hi, I'm new here.
-What you been blowing up?
-A military base.
What type of things
at the military base?
People, army tanks and helicopters.
-How many points do you get for people?
Oh, man. Break-in, restricted area.
Everybody move it!
What the hell is that? What's in here?
-Secure all the exits.
-Who breached security?
-The water tank's been activated.
What is in here with me?
-Should I deactivate the sea swine, sir?
-Oh, yes, you deactivate the sea swine!
It operates by vibrations.
What the hell is that?
Shut it down, hogenstern.
Don't move. Hogenstern, shut it down.
Don't touch anything!
I want to see if this baby works.
-Does it want to eat me or mate with me?
-Shut it down, hogenstern.
-Leslie, don't move!
-That's nuts! I'll drown if I don't move!
-That's it. I'm out of here.
-Leslie, I said, don't move.
Get away from me!
That showed it.
There, that showed--
-it works! I told you it would work.
-You playing around?
-I have to talk to the Washington boys.
-The time has come.
-Leslie, you playing around?
Whose side are you on anyway?
-You're all wet. Is it raining?
-No, showers expected later this evening.
-There's a madman at the factory.
-What? You wanna tell me about it?
Well, alsatia and I broke into
the restricted area.
I saw children playing video games.
And there was this thing
that tried to kill me.
I'm warming myself in front
of a fake fire.
-Something is not right. It's very wrong.
-What is wrong? What happened?
I found a room full of children playing
video games. Actually, war games.
You get 1000 points
for blowing up a person.
All of a sudden
this alarm goes off.
I run down this hallway,
and it says, "restricted."
And I fall into a pool!
We're not zoned for a pool.
-I mean, when did they get a pool?
-Capt. Zevo. Capt. Zevo, come in.
-This is capt. Zevo. Come in, Baker.
-Can I have your position?
That's an inappropriate question
at this time, Baker.
-We have a position on Leslie, sir.
-He's at the residence of miss Tyler.
-Okay. It's okay.
-Okay. Okay, breathe. Breathe.
Oh, yes. Come to papi now.
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
I hope you don't think this is pushy.
Do you mind if I spent the night?
Yeah. Looks like it's getting on.
Cut to the chase, Ace.
Yeah, there it is. It's on now.
Come on, les.
-It's all right now. It's all right.
-Go for it, les.
Wait, what happened?
-Fix it, man. That was getting hot, man.
-I can't do anything.
-You're always messing up.
-I didn't do nothing!
-Did you bring the manual?
-This doesn't come with a manual.
-Listen to it.
-Listen to it.
Yo, what is that?
Yo, what was that?
-What's going on here?
-Nothing. Nothing's going on.
-Actually, I think they're sleeping.
-What does he know?
I don't think he's seen enough, at least
not enough to make any sense out of it.
We're making arrangements to meet
with Washington to discuss...
...the general's new military.
I want it to be maximum security. We're
lucky Leslie didn't find out anything.
For this meeting, I want maximum
surveillance on neutral ground.
-You get that?
What the hell is this?
We taped that off the
corridor monitor, sir.
We like it.
Steve and yolanda, they're great.
-Yolanda and Steve.
-Yolanda and Steve, sir.
If you want your mtv, soldier,
you better want it on your own time.
I told him we shouldn't
be watching, sir.
Tell me, what exactly happened?
Did something actually kill you?
Now, you saw big bulging eyes
in the water...
-Something was coming after you.
-Yes. They were bulging eyes...
...or they might have been balls.
There was something big...
...pulsating in the water,
and it wasn't me.
Well, what can I say?
How can I alleviate this doubt?
Why was Patrick so concerned?
Why was he yelling, "shut it down,
hogenstern. Don't move, Leslie"?
-Why was he yelling that?
-Because you might have broken it.
We haven't tested it yet
to make sure it's childproof.
Leslie, anything else?
Yeah, I want to know why he looks
like a Russian Ralph kramden.
That was a highly restricted area.
You scared us half to death in there,
faking that you had drowned.
-What exactly are you working on?
-A wonderful, new water toy.
-Oh, a tub toy.
I have some terrific video games for kids.
We've talked about that. It's tedious.
Well, let us see them.
I'd love to see them.
-Wouldn't it be nice to have a tour?
-Oh, yes, a tour would be very nice.
I tell you what.
Give me two weeks
to put my house in order...
...get my ducks in a row, so to speak,
and I'll be more than willing...
-...to show you my work. Okay?
-Dad. Don't mind that.
-Just a diversionary tactic.
-The Washington boys are set.
-The Washington boys?
It's done. Thursday, 1600 hours.
My moment in the sun.
Break out the zinc oxide!
Leland, I understand
the need for security...
...but don't you think this
is a little extreme?
Look at this.
You can see right through them.
Look like they got halos on them,
like little, bony angels.
-That's the general there, right?
Don't waste any time on him.
We know he doesn't have a wire.
Move over to the Washington boys,
tegnell and magraw.
They definitely don't have to work out.
Look. Hey, look right here.
I think we got a bug, my man.
See right there?
No, no, no. That's some kind of
shrapnel or something like that.
How are you feeling since
your operation, magraw?
Not too bad. But I'm getting a few
chest pains that I didn't have before.
It looks like scissors or something,
you know, like a clamp.
Well, let's not tell him.
Move over to the tegnell now.
Well, gentlemen, is it everything
i told you it would be?
A miniaturized military.
Remote-control planes being
operated by kids on video screens?
You know, the Israelis have been flying
model planes with video cameras...
...attached to do surveillance.
It might not be a bad idea.
Leland, we're gonna have to
go back to Washington...
...with your proposal
You've gotta look to the future.
The future is anarchy.
-What are you talking about?
-I'm talking about lawlessness.
I'm talking about the
lebanons of the future.
I'm talking about the breakdown
of the whole system.
The military defending
people against people.
You won't get your appropriations
waving that flag.
There's no glory
in that kind of warfare.
How can you possibly justify
that one stealth bomber costs more...
...than the government spends on cancer
research in the whole United States?
But 1 million little planes
at $5000 apiece?
-You see what I'm saying?
-Well, I think this is something...
...we'll have to review
and discuss further.
What's to review? What's to discuss?
This is the program! This is what works!
-This is the future!
All I'm trying to say...
-...is calm down.
-Don't tell me to calm down!
-Don't tell me to calm down!
-Are you crazy? Get off of me!
Get off! Get him off!
Dad! Come on!
Anything wrong, sir?
No, just a fly.
Wouldn't it be better
to use a fly swatter, sir?
Those Washington boys,
they didn't bother to call back.
They think I don't know what I'm doing.
I'll soon show them.
Hello. I missed you, honey.
-Where you been?
-You know that's classified.
Don't you think we should
announce our engagement?
We always have to keep
everything a big secret.
-Soon. Very soon.
For now, let's have a different
kind of engagement. Yeah.
-You said, "Leland."
-I said, Leland? You must be mistaken. I--
-oh, you called me Leland.
-No, I said, "lean in." You know, lean in.
You didn't do my dad, did you?
-It was an accident.
-It was an accident.
You were away, and he was
having these bouts of depression.
Because he gets a little depressed,
you--? God almighty, Debbie!
Wait, let me explain to you.
You don't know how tragic it is.
He goes on and on about the fact that he
was responsible for your mother's death.
I know, I know. Appendicitis.
-How could you?
-What do you mean, "appendicitis"?
My mother died
from appendicitis, Debbie.
He sent her on
a reconnaissance mission.
You know how Jane Fonda visited Hanoi?
He sent your mother in, disguised
as a Jane Fonda look-alike...
...and something happened.
What does the man know about toys,
mother Teresa? He has no sense of fun.
He has a heart of spam.
How can he come up with a design
better than ours?
We've been doing it for 50 years.
I don't know. Give me some soup.
Okay. What do you think, Owen?
Well, we'll be able to see
in a couple of weeks.
Why two weeks?
That's a good question.
That's a very good question.
You wanna know
what the general's building?
A deadly war machine.
He is so good! He's the best.
That red is a hard color to match.
You want the truth?
I'll tell you the truth.
And nothing but the truth.
We have a breach of security.
Call the general.
Never liked him anyway.
I knew he'd defect, that boy.
I knew it.
One word about his mother
and he goes soft like a little kid!
It's not just a game. Those lethal
weapons he's building...
-...in the factory are just phase one.
Yeah. He wants to build a new
technology for tomorrow's warriors.
-Oh, my god.
-It would start as a philanthropic gesture.
He would establish daycare centers
in poverty areas.
Mothers could leave their
...and they'd be taught to read
and write by video computer.
-What's the trick?
-To educate them.
But at the same time, to create
a special variety of video game to...
...develop coordination. Teach the child
how to handle sophisticated equipment:
Simulated flight experiences, visual laser
lock-on screens. And that last step...
...the final frontier, is to fly a real combat
mission with remote-control weaponry.
The kids don't know the difference.
They think it's a video game.
They think they're racking up points and
they're actually wiping out whole cities.
He's gotta be stopped.
We have to call the police.
-No. No police.
Because this is family business. What's
been done has got to be undone. Right?
-We're gonna take care of it.
-But how can we do it?
I put the entire security system in.
With your help, I can take it out.
Well, well, well.
Look what we've got here.
First of all, we gotta be a unit.
We can't all talk at the same time.
We gotta be one mind, one body, one
goal, one soul. Stand up and join me.
He's very good, isn't he?
We are now one
in body, in soul, in dedication.
We have one thought alone:
Put this place on red alert.
They're as good as dead.
-That's your son, sir.
-War has no relatives.
Now, we're gonna get them.
And we're gonna get them good.
All right, sir. They're here.
And so it begins. Now is my time.
It was not Korea, it was not Vietnam,
...tonight, on this battleground,
this field of innocence...
...this shall be my finest hour.
I can almost hear the ticking
of the second hand of destiny.
One wonderful moment
when fate takes your hand.
And this is my moment.
Patrick took out
the surveillance system, sir.
Turn on the twin system.
Not even Patrick knew about that.
I trust no one.
Let the games begin.
That's the sea swine down there.
Sea swine pit.
They're just passing that now.
-Sea swine, sea swine.
This is how it's gonna go down.
I'm gonna shut down the control centers,
make sure the weapons are deactivated.
I want you to meet me at the Manhattan
model in five minutes. Let's move.
We don't know which way!
-Shall we hit them now, sir?
-Let them separate a little more.
It's this way. Yeah, I know.
All right. Hit them.
I wonder what the flashing
red lights mean?
Well, red usually means caution
or beef, if it's a bouillon cube.
Thank you, alsatia. That helps a lot.
I know where I'm going,
i just don't know how to get there.
Maybe that's the covert way,
not to tell you.
-We need a helper or some fruit.
-Hey, y'all, look.
Thank you, alsatia. Okay.
-Good. A place with only one corridor.
-Select floor now.
Oh, look! Isn't that adorable?
Stand clear of the door.
-Isn't that great?
Doors closing now.
Going down now.
That's a very bad baby.
Patrick must be at the control center.
Ball and Dolly just killed each other.
Put in the Tommy tanks,
and activate the hurly-burly helicopters.
The man's insane.
He's building fatalistic toys.
Why couldn't I see it coming? I saw
the warnings in the restricted area...
...i fell in the pool, something tried
to kill me. I really screwed up.
-I thought I'd lost you.
-The general knows we're here.
-How do you know?
I rest my case!
This way. This way. This way.
In here! This way!
I don't understand!
How do they work?
Everywhere we go, there they are.
They must follow movement.
Go, now, go!
We're in the old warehouse.
Look, Leslie. This is where the
general stuck all the old toys.
Everything that zevo was is here.
-Dance with me.
Look at that!
They've let themselves get trapped!
That means Patrick must be in there.
That's not like him to make
such a poor tactical maneuver.
I used to love to play with these.
The general's weapons track movement--
do you think these would still work?
Oh, if you wind them up,
i imagine they will.
-I've got an idea.
We're gonna fight fire
That's a complete answer.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Let's wind up the troops.
-Someone get me a cup of tea.
-Tea for the general. Eight lumps.
Sorry it's come to this.
Who would believe when we made
Milton the friendly elephant...
...that some of you today
would be wound in anger?
Four stores and many christmases ago,
my father brought forth a factory...
...conceived in innocence and joy,
in squeezable fun for everyone.
But today may be the beginning
of the end. Or the end of the beginning.
Or the beginning of the beguine.
And when you go forth today, or fifth,
depending on your order in line...
...we are here today
to put you in harm's way.
Because we determine today,
in this warehouse...
...the future of toys as we know it.
Whether it'll be
toys of fun and innocence...
...or toys for total tot-warfare.
Mr. penguin, if you don't do it today,
you're an endangered species.
You know that.
Now, many of you have
never seen your own fluff.
Many of you are just out of the boxes.
You've never seen your own
Springs lying on the ground...
...but I tell you today,
that's not gonna be the case.
I want you to Wade into them.
I want them to spill their batteries.
I want them to break off
I want those plastic behemoths
to be a bubbling box of goo.
In the words of Barbie, "i had a dream
house." I know you can do it.
Spin your balls, move your plates,
skip your ropes.
Mr. twirly, blind them with the best you
can. In the words of mahatma gumby:
"We are toys of tolerance, but there's
only so much that a toy can tolerate."
Do what you must,
you simple, gentle few...
...for I would rather have you by my side
than any remote-control gadget...
...that I've ever seen.
Because you are-- and even you. Even
you, alien al. Pay a little attention...
...because you were never a big seller,
but we stood by you.
So now is the time not to ask
what zevo can do for you...
...but what you can do for zevo.
Let's all Bob our heads for a brief
moment of prayer. Those who can.
-You all right, alsatia?
They attacked us while we were
at prayer. It's like Pearl harbor.
Hold until you see the lights in their eyes.
For dad, zevo and Milton
the friendly elephant!
He's at the 30-yard line. He's running
like crazy. He's all alone out there!
Look at that score.
Oh, boy. We're up!
-I love this game!
-Oh, I think it's over.
Something's happened to Patrick.
I've gotta get to Manhattan.
Keep the diversion going.
I'm gonna find a way to stop this.
Hurry up, Leslie,
the mice are going awol!
That must be Leslie!
How the hell did he get there?
-Look, sir, the Tommy tank is on his tail.
-Not good enough.
-Activate the sea swine.
-Sir, it's not too reliable.
Sea swine activating now.
Switch it over for amphibious attack.
Sea swine in
amphibious attack mode now.
-Patrick, where are you?
-Fifth Avenue, Tiffany's.
This is no time to shop!
Leslie, I've been hit. I got tanks on me.
You've got to get to the general's
office and shut down the main computer.
How am I going to do that? The guards
are all over the entrance to his office!
Please watch your step.
-Alsatia! We're running out of toys!
-That's not good.
Sir. Over there.
These designs are good!
Leslie, watch out! Bandit at 9 o'clock!
Shoo! Get out of here!
Go, go! Get out of here!
Take him down!
Go away! Get away!
Go away, Swiss army bastard. I mean it.
-And you thought I was a fool.
-I'm gonna kill you!
I will not let you destroy...
Main power failure.
Main power failure.
Main power fail--
alternate power online now.
You tried to kill us all.
Come on, Leslie.
Can't you take a joke?
Oh, yeah. I can. I love jokes.
I love all kinds of jokes.
But you know what
i don't think is funny...
...is when somebody
tries to kill me, my family...
...and destroy the world as I know it.
That just doesn't sit well.
I don't know why. Call me crazy.
-I came real close to being just like you.
-Oh, come on, boys.
Can't we all sit down together
and talk this thing out amiably?
Leslie, Leslie! Isn't it wonderful?
And the best part is, no one got hurt!
What a ride!
Oh, no. He broke my sister.
Oh, I think I'd like a sandwich now.
-Alsatia's a robot?
-Yeah. My dad built her for me.
My mom died so early,
he thought I needed somebody.
I always thought
she seemed the same age.
I'd like to have some soup now.
-Can you put her back together again?
Her plans are in your father's safe.
-Everything's gonna be all right, al.
-Do you love--? Do you love me?
Of course I do, al. I'd give you a big
hug, but your body's over there.
I miss my heart.
We'll get you back together real soon.
Don't-- oh, no.
-Al, you're gonna be all right.
-Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Hey, look, al. It's Christmas.
No. Oh, don't, please. No, you can't.
Klaatu bravada nikto!
He's breaking away from the defense.
He's running for the 20, the 10....
Holy smokes, it's a touchdown,
ladies and gentlemen. Touchdown!
-You look stunning.
-So this is Paris.
She still needs a little work.
-Can you carry me?
-I think it's better if you walk.
Here, let me help you.
Zevo toys is in good hands.
Well, I gotta go now.
My country calls.
-Well, you'll be back for easter?
We'll be having eggs.
You don't know your own strength.
I can always use a good hand.
See you later. Peace.
He's funny, sporty and mysterious.