Townhouse Confidential (2022) - full transcript

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WOMAN: A little
help would be nice.

Moving on out.

Looks like it's Splitsville
from the West Village

for Lindsay Lohan
and her latest beau,

bad boy rocker, Rocky Rakovia.

Townhouse Confidential
has learned that little Lindsey

has grown teary-eyed over
the construction going on

in front of her rented townhouse

and put in an offer
on a Hudson Yards penthouse

with a floor
to ceiling river view.

Her new digs come complete with
an indoor pool, an outdoor pool,

an equinox gym, and, get this,

luxury barrel saunas for two.

With amenities like that,

how can a West Village
townhouse hope to compete?

[doorbell ringing]

[door creaking]

LIZZIE: Oh, Sophie,
why didn't you text me

and let me know you were coming?

Next time,
remind me to take an Uber.

[Lizzie chuckling]

So, you finally
found us a new tenant, Sophie.

It's about time.

Making money
while you sleep sure does

beat working for a living.

You call that working?

Hooking up with
middle aged hedge funders

that you meet at the gym

while I slave away icing
cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery?

Well, at least
I make more than minimum wage

working as a personal trainer.

Girls, girls, please.

I finally found a tenant

for your precious
garden apartment.

And not just any tenant.

He's 32, runs his own
venture capital fund,

and rakes in more than
half a million a year.

And best of all, he's single.

Never married, no kids, no pets.

That means he's probably gay.
Or bankrupt. Or both.

Have you checked him
out on

Oh, Lizzie, do you have to be
so cynical all the time?

Maybe he's got
a friend for you, too.

Oh, come on. He might be just--

Can't a girl
get a minute's peace

to blog in this house?

You do realize
that the Huffington Post

just named
Townhouse Confidential--

[all] One of the 100 best
new real estate blogs to watch.

Yes, Mary, we know.

And now we just wait

for all those advertising
dollars to roll in.

SOPHIE: Okay, girls,
I'll bring him around

for your inspection tomorrow.

But if there's
a marriage comes out of this,

I expect an invitation
to the wedding.

You are the boss, Sophie.

You have no idea.

[soft piano music playing]

[audience cheering]

GEORGE: Thank you so much

for coming, everyone, thank you.

Thank you very much.

As most of you know,

my family has maintained
a dominant presence

in West Village real estate
for nearly two centuries.

Our new master plan,

which we will execute
with $100 million in bank loans

and investor capital,

will remake the face
of the West Village.

Affording the world's elite

the opportunity
to own entire blocks

of luxury townhouse properties

where they can live, work.

Did you know
that from the moment

I brought Georgie home
from St. Vincent's Hospital,

he could already point
out a lintel from his stroller?

And by age seven,
he knew the difference

between a federal style
townhouse and a Greek Revival.

More into it.

Now, as you can see
in the shaded area,

Barrow Ventures
has holdings on Charles,

Perry, Bank Street,

as well as 50 other
luxury townhouse properties.

[woman sighing]

-[audience murmuring]
-Not to worry.

Girls are always fainting
at Georgie's presentations.

That's why we always have
a couple of paramedics on hand.


Thank you, boys.

She's fine. She's fine.

Any questions?

-[man clearing throat]

But what about the Landmarks
Preservation Commission?

Won't the city's
preservationists object

to your turning the West Village
into a hedge funder Disneyland?

[audience whispering]

The deal is in the bag.

Everyone from the mayor on down

has already signed off
on the project.

Trust me,
this baby is shovel ready.

But what if
some of the townhouse owners

refuse to sell?

Got it covered.

We've hired the top brokers
in the West Village

to canvas the homeowners.

Everyone has agreed to sell
to our development company

once we close on the financing.

MAN: Mr. Barrow,
one more question.

So, I think the presentation

went very well today.

Such a pity your father
wasn't there to see it.

He would have been so proud.

I missed Dad too, Mother,

but it's been ten years
since he passed away.

I'm sure he would have
wanted us to move on.

And so we are,

by creating a townhouse empire
in the West Village

that'll make the Barrow
family name burn even brighter.

And perhaps one day,
by continuing the Barrow legacy

into the seventh generation.

-Here we go again.
-You know, Diana's daughter,

Amy, was in the audience today.

Goldman real estate analyst,
Wharton MBA.

I saw the way
she was looking at you.

Please don't start.

[scoffs] George,
you're not getting any younger.

Why, when your father
was your age--

He was married
with a baby and a mortgage.

Yes, Mother.
I know, but I'm 32 and single.

I have more mortgages
than I can count.

I'm so busy
building this business,

I barely have time
for a girlfriend,

let alone a wife and kid.

George, every girl
I've ever introduced you to

has been wrong.

Too thin, too fat.

Too smart. Not smart enough.

Wrong school, wrong zip code.

I'm beginning
to think that maybe

you're not interested
in girls at all.

What are you
trying to say, Mother?

All I want is a little grandbaby

I can pop in a stroller
and push around the West Village

to teach the ABCs
of bricks and brownstones.

Is that too much to ask?

Mother, we're done here.

I'm off to a business meeting.

-Don't wait up.

[door clicks]

BIG SAL: What are you gettin'?

SAL: I don't know.
How about you?

BIG SAL: Think I'm gonna
go for a pastrami, no mustard.

Sal, you gotta
watch your gluten, Sal.

Yeah, but I like
food with gluten.

SAL: All right.
Good. Oh, here he is.

How are you doing, Mr. Barrow?

Sal Carmine, Long Island
Mortgage and Title.

This is my associate, Big Sal.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Barrow.

Very nice to meet you,

Have a seat.

Thank you for coming today.
I appreciate you.

So, Big Sal...

looks like the two of you
are exactly the same height.

[Sal chuckles]

We get that a lot, actually.

But I'm 5'6, he's 5'7.

That's why
they call him Big Sal.

Listen, guys,
I'm a little pressed for time.

What have you got for me?

SAL: Well,
unfortunately, Georgie,

the pickings were pretty slim.

Your family owns 50 townhouses
in the West Village,

but you drain
most of your equity.

And your credit lines,
they're pretty tight.

The only bank that's willing
to give you a bridge loan

to finance your deal
until it closes

is the Hudson River Bank
out of Westchester.

Hudson River Bank.

I thought they were
a front for the Russian mob.

Doesn't a certain
bankrupt real estate developer

from Queens borrow money there?

I heard he got into politics
just to pay his bills.

Those guys are tough.

What's the rate?

8.5% and five points at closing.

-With fed funds at next to zero?

Why, that's practically usury.

You want that
half a million dollars or not?

GEORGE: Half a million?

I told you I needed a million
dollars to close the deal.

Well, that's why
I brought Big Sal over here.

He's like a brother
from another mother.

Let's just say he has access
to some creative financing.

You gotta be kidding me.

Listen, listen, listen,
it's a new thing we're trying.

It's called
[indistinct] financing.

We charge lower rates
than the Russian mob.

And what the IRS don't know...

won't hurt 'em.


What kind of collateral
are you looking for?

Do you need
a personal guarantee?

Nothing, nothing.
Just your word of honor.

And a promise that
you do the right thing.

Well, what happens
if the deal falls apart

and I can't pay you back?

Go home and watch The Godfather.

You get the idea.

Or maybe
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Pleasure doing
business with you guys.

[siren blaring]

-[knocking on door]
-[doorbell ringing]

LIZZIE: Oh, coming.

Put your foot down.

[Lizzie exhaling]

[door clicking]

-Welcome. Come in.
-SOPHIE: Hi, girls.

Look who I brought with me.

Meet Jonathan Grove,
your new tenant.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

SOPHIE: And his friend

and real estate advisor,
George Barrow.

Mr. Barrow. Pleasure.

-You as well.
-[cell phone dinging]

-What a lovely home.
-Oh, thank you.

How is your plan
coming along to turn

the West Village into
a hedge funder's Disneyland?

Very well, thank you.

George and Jonathan
were roommates at Columbia.

Now, Jonathan has returned
to New York

to start his own
venture capital fund.

Wow. Welcome back.
Shall we sign the lease?

-Yes, please.

This is where you sign,
Jonathan, to start your new life

in the historic
and charming West Village.

Uh, not so fast, my friend.

Before we sign the lease,

let's go downstairs
and do a walkthrough.

You know, I normally
make my own decisions,

at least when it comes
to investing in startups,

but he's the townhouse expert.

I'm just the money guy.

[clears throat]

Come on, let's go.

LIZZIE: Welcome to
your new home, Jonathan.

-Oh, my God. [chuckling]
-[Lizzie chuckling]

And the--
So the couch and the table,

they come with the apartment?

They can
if you'd like them to say.

Great. Okay.

GEORGE: Does this outlet work?

Uh, yes, they all work.

I checked them myself.

SOPHIE: You see
how spacious it is?

Oh, my God.
I didn't see back there, wow.

-Let's take a look.
-Scuff marks on the wall.

Easy to fix.

Do you have another light bulb?

Of course.

[cell phone camera clicking]

Paint's a bit peeling.
We'll need some drywall repair.


[light clicking]

[door handle cracks]

GEORGE: You're gonna
have to handle this.

Consider it handled. [chuckles]

GEORGE: Print out this email,

attach it
to the lease as a rider,

and Jonathan will sign it.

Personally, I think the place
is charming just the way it is.

Well, I'll look for your email.

-Nice to meet you.
-LIZZIE: You too.

Really excited for this.
This is awesome.

LIZZIE: Thank you. Good.

Girls, you got
yourself a tenant.

Do you have any idea how much

all those repairs
are going to cost us?

We need every cent of
Jonathan's first month rent

and security deposit to pay
for the mortgage and the taxes.

Wait, I have an idea.

I will take him down
to the Little Branch,

I'll get him wasted,
introduce him to some girls,

he'll forget all about
the stupid repairs.

Plus, we all know a handyman
who'll do the work for cheap.

[funky music playing]

[car door clicking]

On time
with 30 seconds to spare.

Tommy boy, you still close out
the bars and pick up the chicks.



Hey, Tommy.

How you been?
Haven't seen you around lately.

Hey, babe. What's going on?


You don't remember
my name, do you?

Sure, but of course I do.
It's uh...

KATHLEEN: Starts with a K.

I let you crash
at my place for three weeks

because you couldn't pay rent.

Kaitlyn! Kristen? You're uh--

The top floor apartment
on Laker and 11th street

above Magnolia Bakery,
where we literally did it--

Kathleen! Oh, sorry, baby.

I was still a little hungover
after the last night.

-I missed you, baby.
-You know what?

Go fuck yourself, Tommy.

You're a total man whore.

[Tommy shuddering]


[Tommy yells]

God damn George Barrow.

Why did [indistinct]
send me here?

He knows how much
I hate that guy.

Oh, hey, baby. You new in town?

[Lizzie humming]

"To our sweet tenant, Jonathan.

"May this little box of treats
sweeten your stay in our home."

[door handle jiggling]

[door clicking]

Hey, Lizzie.

Got your text saying something
down here needs fixing.

You said it was urgent.

Yes, Tommy.

We have a new tenant
moving in on Monday

and we have a whole
punch list of things

that we need to fix before then.

TOMMY: Really? Like what?

The place looks like it's still
in, uh, pretty decent shape,

as far as I can remember,

Last time I was here...

I'll admit, it was pretty dark.

So you do realize
that my sisters and I,

we don't make a lot of money.

Yeah, the poor little rich girls

live in a townhouse,
make minimum wage.

Yeah, I've heard the stories.

So how much do you think
you're going to charge me

to fix everything
on this punch list?

Plus slap on a fresh coat
of paint, of course.

I was thinking maybe $500.

What's in the box?

Oh, no, Tommy,
those cupcakes aren't for you.

They're a housewarming present
for Jonathan.

He's coming by later
to pick up his keys.

[Tommy humming]

-[knife clicking]
-[Lizzie gasping]

[Tommy humming]

He won't miss just one, right?

No. Tommy, don't.



Tommy, I said no.

You sure, Lizzie?

Because on New Year's,
as I recall,

that "no" quickly turned into

a yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Tommy, Tommy,
Tommy, Tommy, stop!

-Put down that cupcake or--
-Or you'll what?

Run to the sixth precinct
and get an order of protection?

Cops can't protect you
from your own appetites, Lizzie.

You have no idea how hard it is.

Every day at work,
being surrounded by cupcakes

and frosting
and banana cream pudding,

always having
to be the good girl,

-always having to say no.

'Cause you're waiting
for the day Prince Charming

walks in with
your glass slipper?

You know what you want,
Liz Perry.

Just relax and enjoy it.

[Lizzie moans]
Oh, my God.

[Lizzie moaning]

[Lizzie munching]

[both chuckling]

This is really good.

It's, uh-- it's been a while.

Give me 1,000 bucks.
I'll start tomorrow.

Elizabeth Perry, the girl
who can't resist a cupcake.

Who would have thought?

[Tommy laughs]


[door shutting]

[soft piano music playing]

Hi. I'm looking for Lydia Perry.

Oh, hey, I'm Lydia Perry.

I'm your personal trainer.

Hi, Jim Bedford.
Good to meet you.

So, what brings you
to the gym, Jim?

It wasn't really
my idea to come here.

Usually the only thing
I exercise is my fingers.

It's typical of most guys.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm-- I'm a software developer,

so I just, you know, spend most
of my time just writing code,

just banging away
at the keyboard.

So you enjoy banging, too?

No, hold on, hold on.

No-- What I mean is,

I'm the CEO
of a social media startup,

and I'm going on
a road show next month

to raise money from investors.

So the VCs thought
it would be a good idea

for me to get in shape
before, you know,

I collapse
in an airport and die.

LYDIA: Wow, social media,

roadshow, investors.

What does your company do?

Well, we developed
an app called Chick Stalkers,

which lets guys rate
other guys ex-girlfriends

by swiping left
or right on their phones.

Consumers use it for free,
and we make money

by selling the data
that we gathered

to porn sites and the NSA.

I'll have to check it out.

In the meantime,
why don't you go ahead

and hop on the treadmill
so I can check you out.

See what kind
of shape you're in?

-Yep. Right over there.

[treadmill beeping]

[upbeat music playing]

[treadmill beeping]

[treadmill beeping]

[treadmill beeping]

Now, we're gonna head that way.

[Jim exclaiming]

Wow. I'm impressed.

Did you play sports in college?

-[bones cracking]
-[Jim grunting]

Well, I-- I played
lacrosse at NYU,

but we were only division three.

Truth be told,
I spent most of my time

warming the bench.

Writing code, I suspect.

Yeah, actually.
I had a teammate. Oh.

He got dumped by
this girl with huge tits,

and he dared me
to write a program

where I ranked all the girls
at NYU based on their cup size.

It's actually where I got
the idea for Chick Stalkers.

-LYDIA: Cool.

The only problem we're having
is getting girls to use it.

-You know what?

I would actually love
a woman's point of view.

All of our developers
are just horny nerds.

[Lydia chuckles]

Well, I will definitely
check out your app, Jim Bedford.

See you back here next week.

Oh, bathroom. Yeah.

[street din]

[birds chirping]

Guess who I just met at the gym.

-[keyboard clicking]
-[door rattling]

-[knocking on door]

Mary, I know you're in there

because you never go anywhere
and you don't have a life.

Go away, Lydia.
I'm on deadline with my blog.

[door clicking]

So I went to the gym,
and I met this guy

who was also named Jim
and he's the CEO

-of this company called--
-[Mary shushing]

"Lindsay dumps boyfriend
to shack up with dad?"

Total clickbait.

"Spotted: Lindsay Lohan
checking out townhouses

"in the 10014 with
super broker Kathryn Waverly.

"Sources close to the former
West Village resident

"tell Townhouse Confidential,
blah, blah, blah."

If I post it now,
I can scoop page six

and the New York Times
real estate section.

Who gave you that tip?

One of the addicts
that hangs out on the stoop?

How do you even know it's true?

I'm a journalist.
I don't reveal my sources.

You'd have more sources

if you left the house
once in a while.

I pick out more information
at the gym every day

than you ever will through
your network of street people.

Anyway, good luck.

I'm out of here.

[cellphone dings]

[street din]

[mellow music playing]

Listen, sister.
If you want to get to the top

of the blogosphere,
you've got to get out

of your townhouse and do some
real journalism once in a while.

I can't believe I actually
left my house to meet with you.

I was on deadline with
a Lindsay Lohan exclusive.

I could have been scooped
by The Real Deal

or Current New York.

I just texted you
a picture of George Barrow

at the Waverly Diner borrowing
money from a couple of mobsters.

Practically gift wrapped it,
for sobbing out loud.

Now, do you want to bring down

the wicked Prince Charming of
West Village real estate or not?

Sure, I'd love to break
that story and win a Pulitzer,

but how do we know
you're telling the truth?

Why would George Barrow
borrow money from the mob?

He already has a ton of cash.

Not as much as you'd think.

Take a look.

George's check
from the Waverly diner.

So, what does that prove?

Well, he only left
a 10% tip, not his usual 25.

My God, you're right.

George is in serious trouble.
Give me all the dirt.

You know what to do.

[phone thudding]

What are you doing?

DEEP PARK: It's a burner phone.

Do you really think
I'm that stupid?

But you didn't tell me anything.

I don't even know your name.
How do I get a hold of you?

Just call me Deep Park

and follow the money,
it won't steer you wrong.

[Mary exclaiming]

[drill whirring]

[drill whirring]

[door clicking]

Oh, George.
Hi. I wasn't expecting you.

How can I help you today?

Well, it's just
one more little thing.

After that contractor came by
to do the repairs

before Jonathan moved in,

you assured me that all the
electrical outlets were working,

but this one clearly is not.

I had one of
my electricians come by

and test it this morning.

Well, it was
working fine until Jonathan

had his home entertainment
system installed last week.

I checked it myself.

With what? An iPhone?

You can hardly expect
my friend to run

a 60-inch flatscreen TV,
a Bose speaker system,

and an Xbox from an outlet that
can barely charge a cell phone.

You're going to have to
call ConEd to upgrade the power.

Excuse me? This is my house.

And it's my sisters' house.

And it was our parents house
until they were struck

by a Green Apple tour bus
crossing 7th Avenue.

Now, we may not
have a lot of money,

but we do the best
with what we can.

And ever since
you showed up here

with your stupid punch list,
I don't know

how we're going to be able
to pay the mortgage this month.

Now hold on a minute.
You're the landlord.

You have an obligation
to make repairs

-and provide essential services.
-Like what?

Fix the windows that haven't
been open since the '90s?

Jonathan agreed to
everything on that punch list

when he signed the lease.

Now, if he isn't satisfied
with everything that

my sisters and I have done
to make sure that he is happy,

he can pack up
his speaker system and his Xbox

and he can get
his ass out of my house.

But that's not going to happen--

No, no, I'm not finished.

At least Jonathan is a gentleman

and thanks us
for doing what we can.

You, on the other hand,

are a world class asshole
who wouldn't even help

his own grandmother
cross Bleaker Street.

I know all about your little
plan to buy out the West Village

and turn it into
a hedge funder's Disneyland,

but there is
one house that you are never

getting your hands on,
and that is this one.

Now, get out!


BILLIE: So what's the problem?

He pays his rent, doesn't he?

It's not that, really.
It's just--

Every day, George Barrow comes
over to Jonathan's apartment

and finds one more
little thing wrong with it.

One more little thing
that then my sisters and I

have to pay for to repair.

-So, just get Tommy to do it.

Lord knows he'll do it for free.

So all you gotta do is get
on your little knees and behave.

[Lizzie laughs]

'Cause if you don't, I will
because that Tommy is hot.

Shut up! [chuckles]

So what?
Tommy and I hooked up one time

at a New Year's Eve party
that I threw at my house.

We were drunk, it didn't count.

And I did ask Tommy
to help me with the repairs,

but he flaked on me
midway through.

Anyway, when George came over

to Jonathan's apartment

he started complaining
about an electrical outlet

that wasn't working
and I just-- I lost it.

Now, I'm afraid
I'm going to lose Jonathan, too.

So what's the plan, honey?

I know you got one.
You always do.

Well, this one's Lydia's idea.

We're going to throw
Jonathan a party on Friday night

at the Little Branch.

Invite some cute girls,
get the guys trashed,

and before they know it,
they'll forget all about

that stupid electrical outlet.

Count me in.
I'll be there with bells on.

Yes! [chuckles]

All right.

[soft piano music playing]

Hey, Billie. Sorry, I'm late.

My hair dryer
wasn't working again.

Have you seen Jonathan?

We need to make sure
he's having a good time.

-George too, I guess.
-Yes, ma'am.

I think he's over there
talking to your sister

-and her friends from the gym.
-[Jonathan] Come on, George,

-just have one drink.

You know that I am training
for the half marathon

in Battery Park next month.

Even one drink
could derail my preparation.

You should try a master cleanse.

Yeah, that worked for me
when I was getting ready

for the Miss International
Triathlon Competition.

For me, it's all about
clean living.

Three meals a day,
eight hours of sleep a night...

five mile run up and down

the West Side Highway
every morning.

Sounds like a very
interesting lifestyle, George,

but what do you do for fun?

[all laugh]

Oh, George doesn't believe
in the word "fun."

Yeah, back when
we were in business school,

George was always
hitting the books

while the rest of us
were getting trashed.

That's why he got
the GPA and I got the girls.

[all laugh]

Be fair, Jonathan.

You're making me out
to be some kind of hermit.

I'm not looking for a woman
at all at this point in my life.

I'm only here right now because
Jonathan dragged me along.

[Lydia chuckling]

Did somebody say drag?

[girls chuckling]

I-- I think I have to go.
Big day tomorrow.

Oh, you're not
going anywhere, sweetheart.

Drink this. It'll put
some hair on your chest.

[all laugh]

Billie, what are you doing?
You're gonna ruin everything.

George, I hope you can forgive
my sister and her friends.

They're just trying
to show you a good time.

[girls chuckling]

BILLIE: Calm down, Lizzie.

We're just having
a little fun, right?


Now, George, when was
the last time you got laid?

Because even though
Lizzie here thinks

you're a world class asshole,

I think you'll melt
like butter in my mouth.

[Jonathan stuttering]

Bring us another
bottle of Grey Goose.

This is the best party I've
been to in a really long time.

[all laugh]

Girlfriend. Like your style.

[glasses clinking]

[street din]

[birds chirping]

[cellphone ringing]

LIZZIE: Ugh, who is it?

[Lizzie groaning]

-Are you still in bed?

Charlotte, who died?

CHARLOTTE: No one yet,
but it's going to be you

if you don't tell me
why I wasn't invited

to that bash you threw
at the Little Branch last night.

I am so sorry. Let me guess.

You read about it in
Townhouse Confidential?

I know. I'm such a nerd.

But still, I am one
of your oldest friends

and I only live
two doors down the block.

Oh, my head.

CHARLOTTE: By the way,
Lizzie, did you get a chance

to check out Straight
Easy Personals today?

Charlotte, I told you, I am done
with those dating sites.

Hold on a minute.

The guy in this ad here
sounds perfect for you.

Ready? Real estate pro.

Fed up with cheaters
and game players.

Me, too.

He's 34, 6'2,

190, sensitive,
sincere, and single.

"My ideal date would be
to come over to your place,

whip up some spaghetti
carbonara, wash the dishes,

put them away,
then I would carry you to bed,

give you a relaxing massage,
and bang you all night long."

that has to be a joke.

There is no guy who's like that,
who's single and straight

and smart and good looking
and lives in New York City.

it's your call, Lizzie.

Like they say in those
lotto commercials,

you got to be in it to win it.

I'm going to bed now, okay?

Goodbye. [groans]

[cell phone dinging]

[street din]

[soft piano music playing]

-Elizabeth Perry?
-Do I know you?

Sal, Sal Carmine.
You answered my ad, right?

Oh, sorry.

I was expecting someone
a little bit different.

[Sal chuckling]

Perhaps a little bit taller?

Yeah, I get that a lot.
That's why I put 6'2.

You know, chicks are genetically
programmed to dig taller guys.

-Are we?
-Guys like me,

in the 5'6 and under club,

we don't stand a chance.

Yeah, and I did my homework
on those dating sites, too.

Chicks don't like: bald guys,
fat guys, or married guys.

They like
the Prince Charming type.

You know, like Mark Darcy
from the Bridget Jones Diary.

Hold on a second.
Are you married?


I got three kids in
Catholic school on Long Island.

Don't get me
started on the tuition.

You know, my wife,
she's a decent cook,

but she don't want
to give me head

unless I bathe
her toes in Guccis.

Yeah, so I thought, you know,
getting on a dating site

would be a hell of a lot
cheaper than hiring a hooker.

Oh, my God. You are disgusting!
I'm out of here!

Wait, come here.
Where you going?

Come on, let's go back to
my Lexus, I got a big back seat.

I-- What are we,
in high school? Absolutely not.

You know you want me, baby.

-Come on.
-LIZZIE: I do not.

Let me play
connect the dots on your shirt.

Oh, my God. Get away
from my house, you creep.

[Sal chuckles]

Take my card.
I'm a licensed mortgage broker.

Do you need
to refinance your loan?

I'll get you
the cheapest rates in town.

My loan's just fine, thank you.

by the look of your house,

it looks like you're going
to need some renovations.

And you? You look like
you seriously need to get laid.

Oh. Goodbye.

-Call me.
-LIZZIE: Never!

[Lizzie humming]

[blowing raspberry]

ConEd bill.

Ooh, Pottery Barn catalog. Okay.

Green Piece solicitation.

Hudson River Bank? What?

[paper crinkling]

[Lizzie blowing raspberry]



Forclose-- What? Oh, my God.

[upbeat violin music playing]

[birds chirping]

Good morning, Lizzie.

Oh, don't you think
it's a little early

in the day to be drinking alone?

-[Charlotte chuckling]
-Good news.

[both chuckle]

So, anyway, what did you
want to talk to me about?

-Is it business or personal?

Turns out my Prince Charming
from the Street Easy Personals

was a married creep
from Long Island.

And then, I got a love letter
yesterday from the bank

saying that they're going
to repossess the house.

The bank sent you
a foreclosure notice?


The mortgage payment
is supposed to come out

of your checking
account every month.

Have you been receiving any
calls from collection agencies?

No. Ever since
you set me up on autopay,

I haven't missed a payment.

You're not only
a great friend, Charlotte,

you are an excellent bookkeeper.

I know.

Hold on a minute.

Remember that time you went
to the Hudson River Bank

and I helped you apply
for a home equity credit line?

-Whatever happened with that?

The bank gave us
a $100,000 line of credit,

but I never used it.

You know how I feel
about borrowing money

that I can't pay back.

The bank sent us
a book of checks,

which I put in my desk
drawer and never touched.

[both gasping]

[objects clattering]


LYDIA: So then, I turn around

and this dude was like,
"Hey, can I buy you shot?"

He was so hot.
You probably saw him.

He just left, actually.

Another family meeting.

We haven't spent this much time
together since Mom and Dad died.

[Lydia blows kiss]

Lydia, sit down.
This is serious.

Somebody stole the checkbook
for our home equity credit line

out of my desk drawer.

What? How did you
let that happen?

Me? Maybe you would know
something about this

if you weren't
so drunk last night.

-So this is my fault?
-Well, maybe,

you're the only one
who lets in random men

at three o'clock in the morning.

Sisters, please,
can we just work together

for, like, five minutes?

LIZZIE: You're right, Mary.

The home equity credit line
that we took out

gives the bank the right
to sell our house

after three missed
mortgage payments.

That means we have seven days
to come up with $100,000.


No. No. You're so stupid, Liz.

I studied mortgage
financing at NYU,

and I can tell you that
a bank can't just foreclose

on your house after
a couple of missed payments.

-It could take years.
-No, Lydia,

there's a clause
in our contract.

The three strikes
you're out rule.

I guess that's why the guys
over at Hudson River Bank

gave us such a great rate.

MARY: But that's mortgage fraud.

We could sue them or expose them

on the Daily Beast or BuzzFeed.

I think we need
to go to the police.

Okay. Don't worry.

I know some guys down at the gym

who will be happy
to bail us out.

I'll put out the word on
Townhouse Confidential.

Are you kidding me? Fine.

I will go down there and talk
to Detective Ortiz myself.

[phone clicking]

[street din]

Detective Ortiz.

Oh, dios mio.

Elizabeth Perry. We meet again.

You remember me?

How could I forget a damsel
who's always in distress?

What is it this time?

Your-- your grandmother's
pearl necklace?

Your sister's diamond earring?

A solar eclipse
over Washington Square park?

No, Detective Ortiz.

This time
it's something serious.

Someone broke into our house
and stole the checkbook

for our home equity credit line.

They wrote a bunch of checks

and drained all of the equity
out of our townhouse.

Now, the bank wants
to take the house

because we haven't been
making payments on the money

that we didn't know we borrowed.


When did this happen?
Last night?

I don't know. I just noticed the
checkbook missing this morning,

but it could
have happened months ago.

Do you have any idea
who might have taken it?

Has anyone unusual been
to the houses recently?

A plumber? A FedEx guy?

Professor Dumbledore?

Well, my sister,
Lydia, does bring home

all these random men
just about every weekend.

-Oh, yeah.
-And then on New Year's,

there was this handyman

and a lot of champagne
and a couple cupcakes--


Here's my card.

If you think of any more
information, give me a call.

In the meantime,
if we see anybody walking down

Bleaker Street
with a suitcase full of cash,

we'll give you a call.

Well, Jim,
I think we'll both will agree

that I've added a lot
of value to the development

of the Chick Stalkers app.

I mean, come on,
downloads have gone way up

now that I've clued you
into what women really want.

Didn't really expect
to get a sales pitch

this early in the morning.

That's not
what I'm talking about.

Okay, okay. You know what?

I will talk to my DCs
and I will see

if I can get you
some friends and family shares

before we go on the roadshow.

How can you think of money
at a time like this, Jim?

Can't you see that
what I'm really looking for...

is love?

-[Jim] [chuckles] Love?

But you told me
you were the hookup queen

of the West Village.

That's where you got
all those great ideas

for Chick Stalkers, right?

Yes, but now that
I've met you, Jim, I've changed.

Now all I want is to
settle down with a man I love,

cuddle up in our 25 foot wide
townhouse west of 7th Avenue,

and just pump out
lots of babies.

I see you've been
reading my Bumble profile.

It's true. I want to settle down
with a nice, old fashioned girl.

But, Lydia...

unless you've had
a personality transplant

in the last 24 hours,
that girl is just not you.

You look scorching hot
in those Lululemon shorts,

but I love you for your mind.

-Do you want the truth?

Well, okay.

Somebody stole the checkbook
for our home equity credit line

off of my sister Lizzie's desk
and now we have to get

our hands on $100,000
by next week

or the bank takes our house.

Well, that's terrible.
I had no idea.

You know, I actually really
hate that stupid brownstone

that we inherited
from our parents.

But my sisters won't sell it

and I'm the only one
in the house

who has any brains
or makes any money.

[Lydia sighs]

You're trying
to help your sisters?

You really
do have family values.

My sweet Lydia.

I never would have guessed.

[Lizzie humming]

[paper crinkling]

[soft romantic music playing]

[liquid pouring]

LIZZIE: I hope you like it.


[Sal hums]

Wow, those cupcakes
look so good.

You know, I love a woman

who knows her way
around the kitchen.

Oh, I didn't make those myself,
I just iced them.

I'm the assistant chief
manager at Magnolia Bakery.

Our bakers bake
those fresh every day.

I bet you your oven
is pretty fresh.

My oven is actually off. Thanks.

You know what?

Let's get down to business,
shall we?

I would love that. Yes, please.

So, how much money do you make
working at this cupcake shop?

I get $17 an hour
plus a share of the tip jar.

And Magnolia's
isn't just a cupcake shop.

Tourists come from
all over the world to taste

the baked goods that put
Sex in the City on the map.

All right, well,
how about your sisters?

What do they contribute
to the household income?

I'd say altogether we bring in
about $125,000 a year.

SAL: Okay, based on your income

and the rent you're getting
from the apartment,

I could probably
get you a new mortgage in,

you know, like, say,
a couple of months.

Oh, um... we actually
need it by next week.

Otherwise the bank
is going to take our house.

[Sal sighs]


Well, you know,

I could maybe talk to the bank.

Oh, yeah.

-And maybe speed up the process.
-That would be great.

If there's just, like,
one thing you could do for me.

Oh, um, Sal.
I'm not that kind of girl.

Oh. Looks like
the power went out.

Better go check on that.
You know your way out.

SAL: I'll get you
that mortgage right away.


-GEORGE: Who's there?
-LIZZIE: Ah! Oh, my God.

This is my house. Who are you?

George Barrow?

You think you can just burst
in here whenever you please?

Well, I could
just as easily ask you

the same question, Elizabeth.

The lease Jonathan signed
does not permit you

to enter his apartment without
three days written notice

unless there's an emergency.

Oh, there was an emergency.

And the last time I checked,

your name is not on the lease
as an additional occupant.

So, why did you come over here
unannounced on a Saturday night?

I came here
to fix that faulty outlet

you and your contractor
could never seem to fix

before Jonathan flies back
from California tomorrow night.

And then
the electricity went out.

[alarm blaring on phone]

Oh. Damn it.

Yep. Yeah.
That's an entire blackout.

Yeah, all of Lower Manhattan.

Okay, okay,

well, now Jonathan won't have
any electricity at all.

Do you happen
to have a generator?

No, but I might have
some leftover firewood

from Hurricane Sandy.

-Oh, you were here for that?

I was in this house
for six days with nothing.

-It was awful.
-Oh, I remember.

Yeah. I made a fire
in my townhouse for Sandy.

Oh. Would you
want to make one here for me?

Yes. Yes, I would.

All right. Follow me.


-Well, cheers to you.

[glasses clinking]

I mean, I guess I am partial
to dormer windows

because I grew up in
a federal style townhouse,

but still, Greek revival,
it leaves me cold.

Oh, same here.

You know those Italianate
brownstones on 9th street?

I think they should be
banished to Brooklyn Heights.

[both chuckle]

I have no idea you were
a townhouse junkie, too.

Born and bred
right here in the West Village.

It's funny that
we've never hung out before.

Two sides to the story,
though, right?

I mean, on the one hand,
everybody hates you

because you get
to live in your own

little castle
in the West Village.

But on the other hand,
there's a million problems

to deal with every single day.

Yeah, for me,
those problems are mice

and bugs and the radiators
that hiss all winter long.

But what problems could you
possibly have, George Barrow?

Oh, trust me.

Being the crown prince
of West Village real estate

is not all
it's cracked out to be.

Oh, why not? Because you have to
share your castle with a queen?

[George sighs]

Don't even get me
started on my mother.

She's the one who
wants to build a dynasty

in the West Village, not me.

All I ever wanted was
to be an architect like my dad.

Oh, um...

Oh, my. Look at this. All right.

[Lizzie chuckles]

[wine pouring]

-That's a good one.
-That's a large pour.

A village pour.
I'm gonna take that..

[Lizzie chuckling]

-[glasses clinking]

Let's play a game.

-Okay. [chuckles]

113 Bedford.

Date and builder.

That's too easy.

There's a plaque on the facade

that I see every day
on my way to work.

George Harrison, 1842.

-Not the singer.

-Your turn.

Ooh, skinniest house
in the West Village.

Oh, come on, Lizzie,
everybody knows that one.

75 and a half Bedford,

nine and a half feet wide.

The Edna St. Vincent
Millay House.


How about this one?

59 Morton.

You've actually been
inside this townhouse before.

Although you
probably don't remember.

It was a very long time ago.
You were very little.

I'll give you a clue.

Birthday party.

-The stairs.
-[Lizzie snoring]

Liz, are you asleep?


[soft piano music playing]

[fire crackling]

[lips smacking]

[glass tinkling]


Uh, Tommy Leroy?

What the hell
are you doing here?

The power went out last night

and didn't come
back on this morning.

I figured I'd drop by and check
on you and your sisters.

Three girls alone in a townhouse

might need
a man to help out, eh?

In your dreams.

Get out of here
before I call the cops.

With what?

A cell phone that's
losing charge by the second?

Ooh, looks like somebody
started the party without me.

Mind if I poured myself a glass?

[Lizzie sighs]

That's right.

George Barrow
was here last night

to fix the electrical outlet
that you said

-you fixed two weeks ago.

George Barrow was here?

I thought you hated him
and everything he stood for.

You've hooked up with
every girl in the West Village.

You can't possibly
expect for me to sit around

and wait for you to show up
and fix what's wrong down there.

In the garden apartment!

You really expect me
to believe that George Barrow

just happened to drop by
on a Saturday night?

Well, yeah, because
that's exactly what happened.

And now that I'm getting
to know George better,

I can see that he's not just
some money grubbing developer.

He's a real gentleman
who's kind and caring

and shares my passion
for cornices and dormer windows.

He's not just some
fly by night handyman

who looks really good
in a pair of skinny jeans.

-[glass shatters]

You're so
incredibly naive, Liz Perry.

You have no idea
who George Barrow is

-or what he's capable of doing.
-So, enlighten me.

I'd be happy to.

[clears throat]

George Barrow may be
a West Village blue blood,

but he's not the only one
who grew up in a townhouse.

Wait a minute.
You grew up in a townhouse?

My father was the Barrow
family's property manager

when I was growing up.

The Barrow's lived
in the owner's triplex up top.

My dad and I lived
in the garden apartment

underneath the stoop.

Go on.

When we were little,
George and I were really close.

Practically like brothers.

But after old man Barrow
got killed in a crane collapse

on his way to see
one of my construction sites,

George blamed me.

Then, he asked me to move
out of my dad's apartment

so his contractor
could do some renovations.

I floated on couches
for a year before I realized

he was never going to
let me move back home.

That's awful. I had no idea.

Eventually, I found
a sublet in the story

with a couple of guys from work.

I had no idea that George Barrow
was such a monster.

-Did you take him to court?
-TOMMY: Yeah.

I hired a lawyer and everything.

[sighs] By then,
George had already

finished the renovation
and turned it

into a single-family home
worth triple what it was before.


He sent me a check for ten grand

to settle
and I signed the release.

But what could George Barrow
possibly want with me?


Don't you get it, Lizzie?

He's buying up every
decent house in the West Village

to combine them
and sell them to billionaires

who want 50-footers.

Most of your neighbors
have already agreed to sell him

their properties
once he comes up the money.

Yeah, sure, that's old news.

I read it in
Townhouse Confidential.

Okay, I guess you
haven't read the latest post.

"Last Townhouse Standing.

"The Townhouse confidential
grapevine is buzzing with news

"that mega builder,
George Barrow, has the hots

"for a shy little townhouse
on Washington Place

"to add to his portfolio.

"Barrow is just
days away from closing

"on a $100 million fund
to purchase dozens

"of the biggest and best
townhouses in the West Village,

"but needs the mid-block beauty
to seal the deal.

"Odds are three to one
that the sisters will say no.

"Will gentlemen George
up his offer?"

I assume that's why
he came by last night,

to wine and dine you.

I cannot believe
that Mary wrote that.

After all,
she probably thinks that

we're so desperate for cash,
we'd take it from anybody.

Even George Barrow.

Well, I gotta go, Lizzie.

Make sure not to share your
cupcakes with just anyone, huh?


[thunder crackling]

[soft piano music plays]

-[doorbell rings]
-[knocking on door]

-[Lizzie sniffs]
-[Lizzie sighs]


Come here to steal our house,
I assume?

I think I forgot my screwdriver.

Wait there. I'll get it.

-Here, take it.
-Did I do something wrong?

Maybe not to me,

but you should have been
a little nicer to Tommy Leroy

before you stole his apartment

and kicked him
out of the townhouse

that you both grew up in.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, really?

So you just get to be the Prince
Charming of the West Village

while Tommy can barely afford
his sublet in Queens?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Is that all he told you?

He told me that the only reason

you came over here last night

was to convince me
to sell you our townhouse.

So, I guess
all that crap about cornices

and dormer windows was just
a bait you used to reel me in.

You are no gentleman,
George Barrow,

and you never will be.

Now, go.

Please, Liz.
You don't understand.

Tommy Leroy
isn't who you think he is.

There's another side
to the story.

There always is, isn't there?

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Somebody stole the checkbook
for our home equity credit line

and if I don't get my hands
on $100,000 by next week,

the bank is gonna
take our house.

Thanks for the screwdriver.

[phone dings]

Fuck, could things
possibly get any worse?

[calming music plays]

[door creaks open]

Oh. Hi. Got the whole pie.

Come on, have a slice.

A little carbs
won't hurt you, right?

GEORGE: Thanks, but no.

It would derail my preparation
for the half marathon.

Fuckin' awesome.

George. Say we
get down to business, shall we?

The bottom line is your lenders
are getting pretty impatient.

They want
to know when, you know,

the deal's gonna close.

BIG SAL: They want their
fucking money now, big guy.


There's no reason
to talk like that, Big Sal.

I'm sure Georgie here

has a perfectly
reasonable explanation

-for the delay, right?

There's just one more
townhouse that I need

to put in the contract

before the investors
will release the financing.

The trouble is that
it's owned by three sisters

who don't want to sell.

You see, they grew up there.

You think
a horse's head in the bed

might help them
see the light of reason?

SAL: I don't think
that'd be necessary, Big Sal.

Let's just let George here
talk to 'em, all right?

Know that Liz Perry?
She loves flowers.

Especially expensive kind.

Otherwise, the next horse's head

is gonna be
in your bed, vapisce?

Come on, Big Sal, everything's
going to be all right.

Enjoy the pizza.


Fucking awesome.

LIZZIE: And the weirdest
part is,

I didn't have sex
with any of them.

I mean, I was a little drunk,

so it was
kind of tempting, but no.

-BILLIE: You go, girl.
-[Lizzie laughs]

Unfortunately, the guy
I'm crushing on just left town.

He said some kind of
business trip.

Didn't even say
when he's coming back.

Wait a second.
Are you talking about Jonathan?

-I thought he was straight.
-[Billie chuckles]

He wasn't so straight
when I was done with him.

-Okay, you go, girl.
-[Lizzie laughs]

Ooh, let's check this one out.

BILLIE: Can we go home already?

One more spiral staircase

and I'll be
on crutches for weeks.

LIZZIE: Come on, Billie.
This is the last one.

-[Lizzie laughs]

-Hi. Have you got your ticket?

Thank you so much.
Please put the booties on.

Sure thing, thank you.


Billie, do you see
the chandelier?

-It's gorgeous.
-[Lizzie laughs]

-It smells like money.
-LIZZIE: Yeah.

-Ooh, girl.
-LIZZIE: Other room?

-Does it matter?
-[Lizzie laughs]

Is this
how the other half lives?

You know, this place
feels really familiar.

Like I've been
here before or something.

In your dreams, Lizzie.

You have to get past three
deadbolts and an alarm system.

-[Lizzie laughs]
-Plus, they got guns.

-[Lizzie chuckles]
-I don't mean now, Billie.

I meant
when I was a little girl.

I remember
my mom dropping me off

at this big, beautiful townhouse

for a birthday party
when I was five.

I didn't know any
of the other kids, so I just...

wandered around the house
and I got lost.

I almost fell down a flight
of stairs into the basement

when this little boy
grabbed my arm and rescued me.

-Rescued you, huh?
-LIZZIE: Mm-hm.

-Hey, Lizzie.
-LIZZIE: Yeah?

Look at this photo. It's George.

And Jonathan.

Lizzie, that little boy
that rescued you...

-was George Barrow.
-LIZZIE: What?

Oh, my God.
Billie, you're right.

This is George Barrow's house.

-But hold on a second.

How could George be so generous
to a group of complete strangers

and so cruel to someone
who he grew up with,

practically like his brother?

I don't know.

How could Jonathan be
so hot in the Columbia t-shirt?

-[Lizzie chuckles]
-[phone dings]

Billie, George just texted me.

He wants to meet up with me
right now.

-For what?
-I don't know.

Do we have to go back to work
or can we go check this out?

You sure you don't wanna
trash his house first?

No, let's go.

Let's go. Bye, Jonathan.


There he is.

[siren blares]

What was that?

LIZZIE: Oh, my God, Billie.

George wrote me
an actual letter by hand

and he sealed
the envelope with wax.

-Just rip it open and read it.
-Okay, okay.

"Dearest Elizabeth, I know that
you will never sell me your home

"after what you believe
I have done to Tommy Leroy,

"so I won't attempt
to make an offer.

"All I ask
is that you read this letter

"explaining what really happened

"and give me a chance
to clear my good name."

Oh, my God. This can't be real.

BILLIE: "Then five years ago,
I went away on a trip to Africa

"with my friend, Jonathan,
to dig wells to fight malaria.

"When I got back,
I discovered that Tommy

"had forged my signature
on a building permit

"and was getting ready
to turn the home

"in our family
for almost 200 years--"

GEORGE: "Into multi-million
dollar condos

"and pocket
the money for himself.

"I was shocked and angered
by Tommy's betrayal,

"but I promised my mother that
I would keep the matter private

"so as not to tarnish
the reputation of our family

"and that of
the real estate business we own.

"I have always loved you,
Elizabeth Perry."

-Elizabeth Perry.
-GEORGE: "Ever since the day

"at my birthday party
when I saved you

"from falling down the stairs.

"You are the damsel in distress

"that I have always
wanted to rescue.

"But now I feel that the person
who really needs rescuing is me.

"Without you, I am lost...

"with no hope
of the feelings that I have

"for you and your townhouse
ever being reciprocated.

"I remain your faithful servant.

"G. Fitzwilliam Barrow."

I think you're about
to get laid, girl.

[Lizzie laughs]

LIZZIE: I am such an idiot.

All I had to do
was stick out my foot for him

to put a glass slipper on,
and instead,

I kick him out the door
because I believe

that scam artist, Tommy Leroy.

I mean, I guess
it's not too late to call

sleazy Sal Carmine
and take him up on his offer.

Lizzie, that's no way
to talk about my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?
What are you talking about?

Well, remember
the night of the blackout

when you had a Sal over
for wine and cupcakes

to talk about
the new mortgage on the house?

Yeah. How could I forget?

Well, after the power
went out on Lower Manhattan

and you kicked Sal out the door,

he went screaming
down Washington Place.

I heard the noise,
ran downstairs,

flung open the door,
and well, let's just say

he was grateful to find
a friendly port in the storm.

-[Charlotte chuckling]
-Oh, my God.

But Sal is married and he's bald

and he's short
and you could just--

We're not all like you, Lizzie.

Not everyone
is looking for a Mr. Darcy

with the uncertain
domestic bliss of marriage

and kids and happily ever after.

For me, a married Mr. Collins
will do just fine.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe life isn't about
getting what you want,

it's about wanting what you get.

[soft piano music plays]

Well, I guess that's it, then.

Jersey City, here I come.

I guess I could
get a job at a different bakery,

even if that bakery
isn't Magnolia.

-And I suppose

I could find
an apartment to rent,

maybe share it with a roommate.

Yeah, then you'll understand
how the other 99% lives.

I'm about to
lose my house, Billie.

I thought you could
at least sympathize.


Do you know how many apartments
I've been kicked out of

since I moved to New York?

You think
you got it tough, baby girl?

Try being Black, gay,
and living in the Bronx.

I'm so done with you and your
white townhouse privilege.

Do you know
how many millions of people

who would gladly trade places
with you in the heartbeat?

But I am the victim here.

-Are you though?

Look how many advantages
you take for granted.

Two parents that adored you,

college degree
that you did not pay for,

and that
$20 bottle of Italian wine

that you drink so effortlessly.

I only buy Montefalco Rosso
when it's on sale.

BILLIE: Mm-hmm.

But maybe you're right, Billie.

I guess I never
looked at it that way before.

BILLIE: Of course you haven't

because you're too busy
looking in the mirror,

feeling sorry for yourself.

Just because
you sweep your fireplace

every once in a while

does not make you Cinderella,
baby girl.

Where I'm from...

I'd be lucky to be able to walk
down the street in my dress

and my wig and not get
rocks thrown at my head.

So, maybe I am no better
than George Barrow

or Kathryn Waverly
or the other

millionaire hedge funders
who live in the West Village.

Maybe I do deserve
to be exiled to a beach bar

in New Jersey where no one
has ever heard of a cornice

or a lintel or a dormer window.

Hey, now, don't be going all
Jersey Shore on me, baby girl.

I'm just saying, if you want
to save your townhome

5or at least get
some serious cash for it,

you got to get out there
and you got to fight for it.

Don't be sitting around

waiting on Prince Charming
to pay the tab.

-You mean--
-Yes, Lizzie.

There's something you love
more than vanilla cupcakes

with purple frosting
and sprinkles on top.

Something you love
more than a hot guy

with a tight ass
and skinny jeans.

Oh, I don't know
if that's possible. [chuckles]

Oh, my God,
Billie, you're right.

It's my townhouse.

That 18-foot wide, broken down
fixer-upper of a townhouse

that I grew up in
on Washington Place.

The place
where literally nothing works

and everything's held together
with scotch tape

and rubber bands.

The place that's always just

on the verge
of a nervous breakdown.

That scorching
hot mess pile of bricks...

is me.

-Detective Ortiz.
-Detective Ortiz.

Can I offer you a cupcake?
It's on the house.

And those cupcakes
do look tasty,

but this time I think I'll pass.

I came in
to check your security tape.

Uh, it looks like
the Gucci Bandit

is back out on the loose.

The Gucci Bandit?

Yeah, he's a burglar
who breaks into people's homes

wearing Gucci sandals,
steals their credit cards,

and goes on a shopping spree.

Okay, but what does that
have to do with us?

ORTIZ: Well, it looks like
he's taking a show

on the road to Bleaker Street.

According to
the credit card company,

he was in here sometime
yesterday before 3:00 P.M.

We were off yesterday,
but sure, why not?

If he was in here,
he'd be on tape somewhere.

Sure you don't want a cupcake?

You are a temptress, Liz Perry.

-[Lizzie laughing]
-Liz, can you help me here?

I don't think I was here
for this training session.

Yeah, sure, um,

It should just be--

-[Lizzie exclaims]
-Busted on Bleaker. We got him.

-[Ortiz laughing]
-ORTIZ: Good work, Liz.

Just email me the clip.

Wait, there's
somebody else on tape

walking to the store.

LIZZIE: Oh my God.

I'd recognize
that butt anywhere.

It's Tommy Leroy.

He's writing a check
for some cupcakes

using the checkbook
for our home equity credit line.

Detective Ortiz,

I'd like to make
a citizen's arrest.

Come down to the station
and file a report, okay?

Never trust
a man a skinny jeans.


We caught Tommy Leroy on
video camera with our checkbook,

but that doesn't
bring back the $100,000.

And we need to pay back
the entire loan by Monday.

Our only choice
is to sell the house

to the first person
who walks in that door

with the biggest bag
full of cash.

Which means
that we need to start painting

and cleaning ASAP to get it
ready for the open house.

If we all pick up a brush
in the mop right now,

we should be done by Saturday.

And once I take the pictures,
make the video,

and post the ad on Street Easy,

we'll be ready for the open
house on Sunday afternoon.

And that's where I come in,
to find the mystery buyer

with a big bank roll
in his briefcase.

We know
you'll find a someone, Sophie.

-[Lizzie chuckles]
-I texted Charlotte.

She should be here any minute
with the cleaning supplies.

[doorbell rings]

Let's clean
my little dust bunnies.

LIZZIE: Let's.

♪ Yeah, it's come to this,
world's falling all around us ♪

♪ Will we make it out alive? ♪

♪ Now that we've come this far ♪

♪ Come on, sisters,
get together ♪

♪ And bring the city
to its knees ♪

♪ We gotta get up ♪

♪ Working harder than
we've ever worked before ♪

♪ Gotta speak up ♪

♪ Be a fighter when something's
worth fighting for ♪

♪ Never give up ♪

♪ Keep on trying,
give it everything we've got ♪

♪ Better believe we'll
find out what we're made of ♪

♪ Keep your head up,
just keep smiling ♪

[idyllic music plays]

So, you'll never guess
who I ran into today.

Well, I guess
you're going to tell me, mother,

and I have
no choice but to listen.

Elizabeth Perry.

The girl who lives in that
trashy, little townhouse

over on Washington Place
with her two sisters.

Oh, and what did
she have to say, mother?

Well, she told me she's
putting her house on the market

and that she and her two sisters
are hosting an open house

tomorrow afternoon and that
they're prepared to sell

to the highest bidder,
even if that bidder is you.

-KATHRYN: So it's true

that you've offered
to buy their house?

Or is that
just inter-webs gossip?

Well, I very much
doubt that she'd be

willing to sell to me, mother.

She thinks I'm an asshole

who wouldn't help
his own grandmother

cross Bleaker Street.

[chuckles] Of course
she would, sweetheart.

You're still the Prince Charming
of West Village real estate.

Any girl would pay gold just
to meet you for a cup of coffee

or Tesla stock, Bitcoin,
or whatever's hot these days.

Oh, mother, I am tired
of living here with you

in the shadow of my great
great grandfather's portrait.

All I want
is to be like-- like--

like everybody else

who comes to the West Village
to have fun.

[George sighs]

-Fucking awesome.
-George Barrow!

We do not use language
like that in this household.

And we most certainly
do not eat pizza.

Why don't we? John's Pizzeria is
two blocks away from our house.

They have the best pizza
in the West Village.

You always told me
that we couldn't go there

because they have
rats in their basement.

I honestly don't care if they
have rats in their basement.

Their pizza is awesome.

But, George, you'll get fat!

Cool. Then maybe all these girls

who think I'm Mr. Darcy
will stop chasing me.

Tomorrow, I think I'm gonna go
try one of the slices at Joe's.

Oh, it's a mighty
fine slice, mother.

Mighty fine slice, mother.

[whimsical instrumental]

[doorbell rings]





It's gorgeous.

Nah, it's too bright.


-Thank you.
-Thank you for coming.

Well, at least we tried.

I'm sure we can find
a decent place to rent

in New Jersey
when they take the house.

Or Florida. I heard
it's pretty cheap down there.

-Where's Sophie anyway?
-Does it matter?

It's not like
she's getting a commission.

[door slams shut]

Girls, I just took
a full price offer.

All cash!

And I spoke with the bank
and they have agreed

to put the foreclosure on hold.

[girls cheering]

We did it, we did it, we did it!

Hold on. What's the catch?
There has to be one.

Well, the buyer wants
to meet with Liz right here,

right now, alone,
with no one else in the room.

-LYDIA: Good luck.
-[Lydia laughing]

-May I come in?
-Of course.

Thanks, Sophie.

Please let me explain,

And this time,
I beg you not kick me out

until you've heard
the entire story.

The only reason
I've offered to buy your home

is to save it from foreclosure,

so that you and your sisters
can continue to live here.

I will not combine it
with any other property

or make it part
of the development that you have

so rightly called
a hedge funder Disneyland.

I promise
that after the deal closes,

I will walk away and never again
darken your door.

-Please don't refuse my offer.

It's honestly
the least I can do.

If I had reported
Tommy Leroy to the police

after he tried
to steal my family's home,

he would not have been
free to walk in,

steal your home equity
credit line checkbook,

and draw down
the $100,000 dollars

that nearly cost
you and your family your home.

Or to bounce a check
in the Magnolia Bakery

to buy a dozen cupcakes
for his ex-girlfriend

in the apartment upstairs.

But I guess
you already knew that

since you're the one
who busted him on tape.

Detective Ortiz
told me the whole story.

You're my hero, Liz Perry.

Well, let's just say
I'm a woman of many talents.

[Lizzie chuckles]

So, do you still think

I'm the biggest asshole
in the West Village?

No, George.
I think you're amazing.

And so was your big,
beautiful townhouse

at 59 Morton Street.

The place where you saved me

from falling down the stairs
at your birthday party

when I was five.

I'm amazed that you remember.

-[Lizzie chuckling]
-You were so little.

But I'm two years older
and I never forgot.

[Lizzie chuckles]

I've always had
a crush on you, Liz Perry.

It was just easier for me
to act like a jerk

than to admit it
and maybe find out

that you didn't love me

as much
as I've always loved you.

Hold on, Liz Perry.

Before we get too carried away,

there's something
I have to show you

about your charming,
little townhouse

that you may not have noticed.

-LIZZIE: Here, just in case.
-GEORGE: Ah. Perfect.

Follow me.

-[door slams shut]
-LIZZIE: Uh, George,

what are we doing
in my basement?

GEORGE: Trust me.

It must be
around here somewhere.



Lizzie, could you hold this?


Uh, hey, George, quick question.

Why do you have a key
to a lock in my basement?

Wait and see.

[door creaks]

LIZZIE: Uh, George?

When are you going to
tell me what's going on?

Sometimes, Liz,
there are connections

you didn't know existed
that were there all along.

What does that mean?

Oh, my God, George.
We're in your parlor.

There's the portrait
of Captain Barrow.

Ah, and the guns.

-[Lizzie imitates pistol shots]
-[Lizzie chuckles]

But hold on a second.
How did we get here?

Allow me to explain.

The same day
that you came to see my house

for the Spring House
benefit tour,

I went
to the library to check out

the old fire insurance maps.

It turns out our two houses
are connected underground.

-They've been that way

for over a century.

So wait. You mean--

Yes, that my mother
can no longer

object to us uniting our
two houses and tying the knot.

[exhales sharply]

But, wait,
doesn't your mother hate me

and my 18-foot wide townhouse?

When I showed her on the map
that Captain Barrow

had built a tunnel,
so that he could hook up

with his third cousin
and true love, Betsy Washington,

she caved immediately.

But isn't your mother

all business, super broker
Kathryn Waverly and all that?

Oh, no, Kathryn Waverly
is a hopeless romantic

just like you, Lizzie.
A huge Pride and Prejudice fan.

That's why
she named me Fitzwilliam.

But-- but you can...

just call me George.

This is no time for big
romantic speeches, George.

We've got to
get out of here now.

What are you
talking about, mother?

I'm in the middle
of proposing to Liz Perry.

Aren't you glad that I'm
actually interested in girls?

Oh, don't worry
about that, George.

I already knew
that you and Elizabeth

would end up together.

Don't forget,
I've read the book five times

and seen the entire BBC series.

-SAL: That's bullshit.

BIG SAL: I'm gonna
fuck 'em up real bad.

-They're here.
-Who's here, mother?

No time to explain.
Just follow me.


[banging on door]

George! George!

Where are you?
I know you're here.

Where the fuck is he?

SAL: Tommy, you said
you were gonna bring us

right to him, what happened?

[speaking Italian]

The big boss is gonna be mad.

TOMMY: I grew up in this house.

I know what they went.
Follow me.


George, what is this place?

GEORGE: This is where my family
hid enslaved Africans

before the Civil War
to help them escape to freedom.

No way. I thought you guys
were white supremacists.

This is no time
for a history lesson, George.

Tommy's probably leading them
us right to us as we speak.

We need to secure the hatch.
Elizabeth, you.



-[Lizzie yells]

Oh, hey, Georgie boy.

I got a couple of guys here
who want to talk to you.

[Tommy cackles]

BIG SAL: Where's my fucking
money, Georgie?

Who is that?

Sal Carmine?

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm not here for you, Lizzie.

I'm here for Georgie.
Time's up, buddy.

Just give him the money, George.

They're not gonna
hurt you or Mom.

Hold this.

LIZZIE: George,
what are you doing?

Elizabeth Washington Perry.

Would you do me the honor
of accepting this ring?

Oh, George, of course I will.

Georgie, if I don't get
my fucking money,

one of you people up here's
gonna end up on the sidewalk

-like a fucking pancake.

Put that gun down
or I'mma break your face.

Do you have any idea how
hard it is for a woman over 30

to find a single straight man
south of 14th street?

Yes, George Fitzwilliam Barrow,

you sweet, shy,
townhouse loving mama's boy.

Of course, I will marry you.

I've loved you since I was five
and you were seven.

I was just too blind to see it.

[siren blares]

ORTIZ: Hey, Barrow gang.

-Get down off that roof now.

Detective Ortiz,
it's me, Liz Perry.

I'm up here
with Tommy Leroy, Sal Carmine,

and some other guy
from the mafia.

I'm also up here with my fiancé,
George Barrow,

and his mom, Kathryn Waverly.

Wow. Liz. Congrats.

I didn't realize
you was dating George.

Oh, me neither, this just
happened like an hour ago.

Did you say
Tommy Leroy's up there?

I got a warrant for his arrest.

A warrant for what?

Grand larceny
in the fourth degree:

theft of merchandise.

Grand larceny?

For bouncing the check
on a dozen cupcakes

for my girlfriend?

You bought
a total of 240 cupcakes

at the Magnolia Bakery
at $3.95 a pop.

So, I got cupcakes
for all my ex-girlfriends.

Is that a crime?

You can't arrest
Tommy Leroy for grand larceny.

That's $948.

The statutory limit in
the state of New York is 1000.

Pendejo, you forgot
to include the tax.

Come on down, Tommy. It's over.

SAL: Howdy, boys.

ORTIZ: You know the drill.
Stand over there.

[chuckles] Tommy Leroy,

you are under arrest, my friend.

TOMMY: For what?
Having a couple of fat ham hogs?

Or soaking half the skirts
in the West Village, huh?

[Tommy laughing]

FBI. You're under arrest.
Come on.

I thought we were brothers
from another mother.

Come on. You're under arrest.

Is this what you do to family?

You ain't family.

Where's my money, Big Sal?

Sophia. Big boss.

[speaking Italian]

Never send a man
to do a woman's job.

That's what I always say.

But now that George
has given me the briefcase

full of cash, I'm willing to
consider your debt paid in full.

So the 500K stays with me.

All's well that ends well
and all that crap.

This time.

But tell your boys to stay
on the Jersey side of the river

and don't dare cross to my side.

Oh, and give
your mother my regards.

You know, it wouldn't kill her
to call me once in a while.

Come on, let's get you home.

-Get him out of here.
-BIG SAL: Fucking scumbag.


[panting] Oh, Sal!
I heard the commotion.

And I can't believe
I'm dating an FBI agent.

Oh, not just some

sleazy mortgage broker.

You'll still
make me pasta though, right?

-Whatever you want, baby.
-Oh, yes.

-[Charlotte and Sal growling]
-Come on.

SAL: Ooh, let's go home.

LIZZIE: It's just almost
too much to bear. [chuckles]

I can only hope
that one day you find someone

who brings you as much happiness
as George Barrow brings me.

I don't know, honey.

I made the mistake of
falling in love with the one guy

who could never
love me back or bring me home

to meet his parents.

-LIZZIE: Jonathan?

Hi. What are you doing here?

I thought you moved
back to San Francisco.

I jumped on a plane the minute
that I got George's letter.

I mean, can you believe it?

The guy sat down
and wrote a letter by hand

using a pen
and then mailed it to me

in an envelope with a stamp.

I mean, that's why it
took a week for me to get it.


I flew back the minute

that George told me
that you love me.

Ever since that party
at the Little Branch, Billie,

I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.

The way your nails
felt on my back.

The way your lips felt on my--

Oh, hey,
PG13, we have customers.


you are so strong and confident,

so sure of your sexuality,

so unafraid to just go out there
and live your truth.

And I know
I should have texted you.

I'm sorry.

I just felt like such a coward.

Like I'd never be cool enough
for someone like you.

Just hold that thought.


You had me at hello.

[women clapping]

PRIEST: Dear friends,
we have come together

in the presence of God
to celebrate

the marriage of these couples.

To surround them
with our prayers

and to share in their joy.

The uniting
of these persons in heart,

body, and mind
is intended by God

for their mutual joy,
for the help and comfort

they give one another
in prosperity

and adversity, and that
their love may be a blessing

to all whom they encounter.

If anyone knows a reason
why either of these couples

should not
be joined in marriage,

I ask them to speak now
or forever hold their peace.

TOMMY: Wait!

Lizzie, don't do it.

I still have feelings for you.


I'm just playing.

She all yours,
Georgie boy, you may proceed.

ORTIZ: Behave, Leroy,
or you're back in lockdown.

TOMMY: Come on.
Can't this guy take a joke?

Geez, Louise. Some people.

Anyone else?

I invite you to declare
your vows to one another.

You know
I'm ride or die for you, right?

Ride or die, baby.

[George exhales]

I promise...

to adore every brick
in your brownstone

and to cherish you

even when you grow old
and I grow old

and our lintels need repointing.

I promise to be the sturdy
column that supports you

and the cornice
that ornaments your life.

I promise to never forget
the little boy

who rescued you
when you were a little girl.

And to love you
for the amazing woman

who came back and rescued me.

George, I promise

never to forget that you are
the same amazing man

who rescued me when I was five
and you were seven.

I promise never to drink
Montefalco Rosso

until ten o'clock in the morning

unless you're the one
who's drinking with me.

[Lizzie chuckles]

I promise
that for better or worse...

in sickness and in health...

you will always be
my one true cupcake.

And I yours.

[Lizzie sniffs]

[soft piano music plays]

PRIEST: By their promises
before God and in the presence

of this assembly...

you may kiss your beloved.


[uplifting music plays]


Hey, Townhouse Confidential.

MARY: Deep Park?

-It's you.
-I'm your biggest fan.

I've read every blog post
you ever posted.

So, you're some kind of stalker?

DEEP PARK: I'm more like
a field agent.

I know it's kind of hard
to do investigative reporting

when you never leave your house.

So, what are you saying?

I want to be your partner.

You on the inside,
me on the outside.

Scooping stories,
winning Pulitzers.

Deep Park...

I think that this is
going to be the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

[indistinct chatter]

Spotted on Washington Place.

New tenants
moving into the townhouse

Lindsay Lohan left behind
just three short months ago.

The fortunate newcomers
are a well-known French actress,

her actor-director husband,
and their children,

who sources say
have just been accepted

into the prestigious
Little Red Schoolhouse.

In other news,
Townhouse Confidential

has learned that
the Perry sisters' townhouse

has recently passed
into other hands,

but that, according to the terms
of this unusual deal,

the three sisters
may continue to live there

rent free for as long
as they wish to do so.

In the words of the late,
great Jane Austin...

"It is a truth
universally acknowledged

"that three
scorching hot sisters

"who live
in a West Village townhouse

"will not stay single for long."


Oh, Mother, you have no idea
what the Village holds.

Oil, grease, grime.

The trash of life.

The beautiful...

delicious, oily
goodness of life, mother!

[moans] Oh, mother.

My plans. My plans have changed.

Get on board, mother.

Get on board.

The Barrow family is back.

No one's perfect.

Like that time Lizzie and I
hooked up on New Year's, right?

-Meant nothing.
-LIZZIE: Maybe not to you,

but it meant something to me.

You didn't even
text me the next day.

Liz, I thought
we were getting married.

You still have
feelings for Tommy?

No, of course not.

But he still could have
texted me, right?

[jazz music plays]

"The Robert and
Roberta Bethune house.

"Built in 1845, the Robert
and Roberta Bethune house

"was built for
a brother and sister

"who lived in this
Greek Revival townhouse

"for 93 years without
ever venturing outside

"to date or marry.

"Well known
as West Village hoarders

"with hundreds of cats,
rumors swirled

"that the Bethune twins
were actually--"

-[Lizzie exclaims]
-Lizzie, can we go home already.

LIZZIE: Come on, we've only got
one house left anyway. Let's go.

♪ Keep on trying, give it
everything we've got ♪

♪ Gotta believe find out
what we're made of ♪

♪ Gonna keep my head up
just keep smiling ♪

♪ Even on a rainy day
keep movin' ♪

♪ Clean up the mess
and make a better way ♪

♪ Keep groovin' ♪

♪ Do my thing and
don't care what people say ♪

♪ Gotta get up, gotta keep
workin' every single day ♪

♪ There's always gonna be
another greedy grabber ♪

♪ There's always gonna be
another rumor gabber ♪

♪ Always going to have to
find a way to tow the line ♪

♪ And if you don't lose
your sister's trust ♪

♪ And if you don't
lose it all and bust ♪

♪ Keep on working it
and you'll be fine ♪

♪ We gotta get up ♪

♪ Working harder than
we've ever worked before ♪

♪ Gotta speak up,
Be a fighter ♪

♪ When something's worth
fighting for, never give up ♪

♪ Keep on trying,
give it everything we've got ♪

♪ Gotta believe
find out what we're made of ♪

♪ Keep my head up, just keep
smiling even on a rainy day ♪

♪ Keep movin', clean up the mess
and make a better way ♪

♪ Keep groovin' ♪

♪ Do my thing and
don't care what people say ♪

♪ Gotta get up,
gotta keep working ♪