Tout doit disparaître (1997) - full transcript

NOISE POLLUTION CONFERENCE

The gardener used to reap, now he mows.

The woodcutter used to saw, now he cuts.

People used to read, now they channel-hop.

Lovers wrote to each other,
now they call each other.

Horses used to gallop,
now cars contaminate.

Horns, alarms,

drills, lawnmowers, chainsaws,

neighbours, youths, I dunno.

So, this is the biggest curse
in our society: noise!

Noise that stresses us,
attacks us, contaminates us!



This noise must be fought mercilessly.

Please, my friends.

Thank me instead with a few seconds
of pure and complete silence…

Thank you!

Hey, my little Hubert,
you're really breaking out, right?

You're giving us
a flare-up of juvenile acne.

Hey, 13 is a good age…

Wait, don't move,

I'll help you pop
all of these little spots…

Wait, there you go…

Hang on, I'll be back.

Mrs. Millard, it's Mr. Colle.

I've followed them for 48 hours.
What do you want to know?

Go from the start.
What did they do last night?



They hit the town!

Limousine, prawns, indoor play…

In wild positions, okay,
I get it. Let me talk to him.

Right now?

No, in two years, bell-end!

Sorry, little Chantal, did I hurt you?

Ready for the show?

Yes, the audience is waiting!

So?

But…

Silk was invented just for you.

Soft, sensual, silent…

-Your present suits me well.
-Wonderfully well.

But actually…

I think I prefer you without it!

Strip-tease?

Please!

-Music?
-No.

Just the rustling
of the fabric on your skin

and our beating desires.

I think I've interrupted something!

I'm sorry,

I don't usually get close
to my clients, but…

Who are you? What are you doing?

Your wife.

Don't worry, she knows everything.

Irène? How are you?

Shut up and listen to me,
you son of a bitch!

You'll leave that bimbo immediately,

and immediately means right now.

Don't even look at her.

I said stop looking at her!

Yes, sorry, darling.

Catch the first plane tomorrow morning.

And until then, Mr. Colle
isn't going to let you off the hook.

-Mr. Colle?
-It's me!

If you disobey
your beloved wife who, by the way,

owns the factory, the house and the cars,

that's it, unemployment without benefits,

and the cold, cold streets:
homeless, JSA, job centre, okay?

Yes, no, darling, I can even…

No, you can't.

Poor idiot,
go to beddy-byes with Mr. Colle

who'll leave you when you're on the plane.

And until then, hold your horses.

Yes, hello, darling?

-What did she say?
-Nothing, really!

I don't agree! She said lots of things.

Can you leave us alone for five minutes?

I have nothing to hide.

Aren't you ashamed of being a vulture?

Ah, not at all!

I love photos.

Hey, could you both pose for me?

So, is that a no?

I get it,
my wife is the same, she hates it!

Get the paparazzi out of here…

Yes, that's right. Got it?
Let's go! Get out of here!

-After you.
-Get out!

Listen, be reasonable,
or I'll call my client!

What do you say?

-Yes, because I…
-Yeah.

So, we might as well avoid
an open war, don't you think?

A divorce is something to think about!

It's strange being so close to a subject!

No, please, come on, let's go, come on!

-One more time.
-No, please!

Come on, we're off!

See you soon!

Slight backlighting,
a hateful look! Excellent!

Hello, sir. Thank you.

I'm going to have a
quick look at the cameras.

Don't board without me, okay?

Please.

I know, Bernard, I know

but still prepare
the demonstration for the Koreans.

Seoul? Do you think
I've got time to go to Seoul?

I don't know, er…

get them to come to Paris.

Here, it's for you.

The woman over there gave it to me.

Ah, thank you.

8 p.m., my place!

Here you both are
five weeks ago in Deauville.

It was taken with an Angenieux 250.

Do you see it? The velvet
of the faces is beautifully nuanced

and the definition's amazing too!

Look at the shot!

You can even tell the time
on the offending lover's watch.

Wow, I can even make out the second hand

but I'm a professional!

That's Roseline, my wife!

She's beautiful, right?

Don't you care?

The captain and his crew…

Is this your seat?

It's okay, don't worry.
Excuse me. Thank you.

Sorry! Oops!

Sorry, at first I was at the back

but there was someone
with their leg in a plaster

so the air stewardess…

There are often empty spaces
on planes, have you noticed?

Not really, no.

I mean… planes are rarely full, I dunno…

Maybe it's a question of weight, you know.

Well, it's funny.

Sorry…

The book you've got, it's…

I'm the author of the book.

Piche, Gérard Piche.

No, because I'm an expert
in the perfect crime,

so my techniques are
obviously very different.

It goes from poison to poisoning
in a trapped fishing pit

or a monstrous lawnmower

or even drowning by hanging.

Do you know what I'm called in this world?

The master of the last breath!

It's funny, right?

Yeah, okay.

You're right, it's… maybe it isn't funny.

Because right now, I'm…

I'm a little down.

As I'm a little down,
I try to keep hoping…

Couldn't you keep quiet? I'd like that!

It's a very good thriller.

Sorry, I didn't say that
because it's my book

but it's really, really good.

Actually, I write to pay the bills.

I kill for a living,
if you get what I mean!

-Another croissant?
-Thanks, they're delicious.

So, did you like it?

A lot.

Choking the obese guy
with an airbag was very effective.

It's modern and even silent!

And hygienic!

Hygiene is very important in a murder.

A good murder is a clean murder!

Personally, I'm against
this gory debauchery,

with blood and…

Tell me, Mr. Piche,

in the 86 crimes you've made up…

How many culprits have been caught?

Ah, none, sir.

-None?
-None!

With me, they're always crimes
with no murderer or no victims.

Yeah.

You see,
I'm more interested in love stories.

I'm actually a big romantic…

-That's lovely…
-Shall we go to the toilet?

-Sorry?
-Come…

Look, this is my thing.

Super silent toilets!

An idea with a bright future.

With eight billion people,
imagine the noise!

Have you seen it?

-Oh yes, three stars.
-Yes, in the health guide.

And three stars is…
the Legion of Honour for toilets.

Now, look at my invention:

the soundproof valve
with laser turbo pressure.

Less than five decibels
compared to the competition's 15.

Well? What do you say?

Well, I'd say it's impressive.

Could be, yes.

Look, personally, noise doesn't bother me.

No, I find it rather reassuring.

-Go on, please, try it.
-Why not?

I'm inviting you.

You're very kind, Mr. Piche.

Would you write for me?

Do you want to order a book?

Affirmative!

Er, can you tell me what genre?

A crime novel.

I have the initial idea,
the setting, the characters!

I thought you were in the toilet world.

American diversification.
Does that ring a bell to you?

I want to go into publishing

and you will be my first author.

Well, why not?
I've always dreamed of being the first!

Do you know why I love books?

Because they're silent: zero decibels!

Look, when a book
makes noise, it's rather a good thing!

I'm not joking, Mr. Piche. I'm not joking.

Wouldn't you prefer a romance novel?

-I have one ready!
-No, I want a perfect crime.

Yes, but you've come at a bad time!

And yes, I've moved on,

and I've just written my last crime novel.

-Make way for love.
-Ah, love!

Shush.

Come on, 75,000!

25,000 on order, 25,000 on delivery

and 25,000 if the crime is truly perfect.

How much did you say?

Irène? Darling? Are you home?

Annie!

Where's Madam?

She's collecting soil for the babies.

I want to apologise to you.

I was wrong.

I've left that woman now.
She meant nothing to me, you know.

It was just a fling.

A fling or not, fire that little secretary

with plastic tits tomorrow.

I'm warning you:
the next error, so to speak,

you're on your own without a penny!

I made a mistake, you can't…

You're about as loyal as a flock of lice.

You're too nice
with your dick, poor Robert.

I have to take measures,
do you understand?

I have to, you made me do it,

so this is an ultimatum!

I'll freeze-dry you.
If you have a secret child

I'll freeze you ad-vitam doberman!

-Ad aeternam!
-Yeah, you understood me!

Look, I got you
a new member of the family.

Yes, your weed is sick,
you're trying to kill them all!

Mr. Piche?

-Sorry?
-Are you really Gérard Piche?

Er, yes!

Mr. Millard sent me.

Oh, right, okay.

Well, er, come in, er…

Hello.

Well, come in.

-Sorry.
-Excuse me.

Right, come in.

Sorry, excuse me.

Yeah, excuse me. Sorry about the mess, I…

I've been working all night…

Oops, sorry…

-Sorry.
-Here, this is for you.

Thank you. Wow.

I was waiting for
these documents with a kind of…

Anyway, I'm happy as I can start my story

because I was stuck on
my "starting blocks" as we say…

-This is also for you.
-Wait…

Can you hold the vase? Sorry.

I'm sorry.

-I'll put it here.
-Okay.

-Would you like a drink?
-No, thanks…

A coffee?

-A coffee, okay.
-A coffee!

I've got… no more coffee.

Some tea?

Tea, okay.

I've… got no tea either.

Actually, that means
I haven't got a lot, I…

I've got nothing.

Don't worry, I've got to go.

Ah, wait!

I need to give you
the manuscript for my love story.

-Hang on. I'll get it.
-Okay.

Here, it's… it's for Mr. Millard!

He said he'd help me with publishing.

-Here.
-Do you write romances?

Yes! It's my first one.

-Miss?
-Latour.

Eve Latour.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Hello, go on.

How's business, shitty Casanova?

Ah, is it you, darling?

Well, is it done?

Actually, she's late this morning. I…

You've got one hour, Robert.

Ah, she's here now! Don't hang up.

Mission accomplished, boss.

File delivered by hand,
the guy is quite cute…

Listen, Miss Latour,
let's stop this comedy,

forget the past and from now on,
you're no longer part of the team.

Finish your work and you're free to go.

-Sorry?
-Finish your work.

Then go to accounting. Understood?

Robert, it isn't funny!

Please address me formally!

-Are you joking?
-Not at all!

I was certainly wrong to mix
work and shagging, I'm sorry!

Shagging?

Yes, shagging!

You'll receive
redundancy payment, and as a result,

you can claim benefits. You may leave now!

Do you call what we have "shagging"?

You may leave, Miss Latour.

Did you like it?

Now, work on exploitation,
it'll stop you thinking with your dick!

You're funny.

See you tonight, honey!

Eve!

Eve! Eve! Eve!

Tell me, Bernard…

Yes, Mr. Millard?

What car have you got?

A pink Twingo, why?

Darling, it's me.

-There's nothing left to say, Robert.
-Yes… Eve.

Tell me you didn't believe all that?

-Shouldn't I?
-No! Well…

My wife was on the phone and…

Listening to it all!

That show was for her!

She pressures me. I had to improvise…

It made me sick but she had to believe it.

-Do you get it?
-I've cried all day.

Oh no, darling. It's done, I'm here now.

Don't worry.
Soon all of this will be in the past.

Your wife scares you.

-You'll never leave her.
-Don't you trust me?

I'm sick of waiting
in the shadows, loving you like this.

Shh! Soon we'll be
a real couple. I promise you.

I have a little present for you.

Italian designer, unique piece.

It costed me… well, I'll tell you…

How about we get it on?

No, not today, no!

But when?

Soon… When we're a real couple, darling!

Here's your present!

Yes, this synthetic glass
which is only 100 microns thick

can be used as either
an insulating glass surface like this,

or as laminate soundproofing
on opaque walls, or both, obviously.

There. Listen to this silence.

Beautiful, right!

-It's for you.
-Who is it?

A personal call.

Sorry, yes?

Piche on the phone. I've finished.

Perfect! I'll send you my secretary.

Ah! It's you?

Yes, I managed to get out.

Great… Would you like a drink?

No, thanks! Go on, I'm listening.

Right.

The action takes place
in three periods: attract, subdue, strike!

That's it! Done and dusted!

His wife is slowly but surely sinking
in the mud in the middle of the pond.

Very good.

Ah, it's…

No, it's impressive, it's…

And this is just the summary of the plot.

You'll see, the crime is flawless.

Truly perfect?

Unquestionable!

However, I have a feeling that I've…

-I've got some…
-Go on, there's an answer.

Why hypnotise the victim to sleep?

No traces, no evidence, no clues.

Yes, of course.
But if falling asleep isn't enough?

At worst, he'll start it
with a dose of Drathotal,

a drop of Nilium,
which puts anyone to sleep, you know.

And why go for silting?

No blows, no hole. No holes, no violence.

No violence, no murderer,
three points to a successful murder.

No witness, no trace, no body.

I considered all your geographical,
human and interpersonal factors.

You asked me for
the perfect crime… Here you are!

A woman sinks into the mud
while doing the gardening.

Mundane, great.

Is the body in the mud?

Dark humour.

Right! I'll read it all in detail
and I'll let you know.

And "I Love You"?

What?

Er…

My romance novel!

Didn't your secretary give it to you?

I forgot. I'll try to read it
as soon as possible.

Here… 25,000 Francs.

The last payment when I've read it.

Bye, Piche.

I'm listening.

I'll get to the point.
I want to learn the basics of hypnosis.

Why, Mr. Millord?

Millard… Robert Millard, with two L's.

You haven't answered.

Well, actually, it's for a prank.

Do you think hypnosis is a joke?

Well, I mean, like everyone does, really.

I don't believe in it at all, really.

How much time have you got, Mr. Miller?

Er.… Mill…

Three days. I want to learn in three days.

That's short,
especially if you don't believe.

I can quickly teach you hypnosis,
but while you're hypnotised.

That won't work on me.

You're falling asleep, Mr. Millourd.

Why are you falling asleep?

Because I'm… my eyelid is stuck…

and I can't open it…

Right, relax.

You're completely
relaxed and totally safe.

Cool.

You'll let yourself
be guided by my voice. Cool?

Cool.

Right… I'll teach you
what you want to know

but first, take out
your cheque book. Cool.

Here.

Go on, write,

cool… go on.

Five…

Zero, zero, zero.

One more!

Yes?

Mr. Piche?

Eve Latour!

I read "I Love You",
I wanted to congratulate you!

Did you like it?

It's wonderful.

When Jean and Fanny are separated
by the militia, it's touching!

When Jean waits for Fanny at the beach

and she rushes to throw herself
into his arms, it's really emotional.

Hello, are you there?

Yes, and the magical moment
when the boat leaves without her,

without him, with nobody, did you like it?

I loved every word.

You made me dream, Mr. Piche.

I'm still coming back from it all.

It's a story
I wanted to write for a long time…

Sorry, one moment, don't go.

It's me, darling!

What do you want? I'm going out.

In two days,
I'm taking you to Venice, okay?

With the detective and your wife
on the gondola? No, thanks!

It's almost sorted.
In two days, Mr. Colle is finished,

my wife won't move and I'm taking you.

-You'll never tell her, Robert.
-Two days.

Mr. Piche? Are you there?

Yes!

Am I disturbing you
in the middle of creating?

Ah, no.

I'm on the computer,
but a little break is always good.

I'll let you work.

Hopefully see you soon, and well done.

Thanks a lot, bye.

Happy anniversary, Irène.

-You've gone all out!
-All out for an amazing woman.

Let's toast with heels,
like at our wedding.

Yes, like our wedding night.

Here, darling.

Alea jacta peste!

Est, darling, est.

Yes, you know what I mean.

We'll finish it before dinner.

At the table or in bed?

-Music!
-Music.

Sorry, but the fatigue, the alcohol…

Don't be sorry, I like it when you laugh.

Where did the bottle go?
Wow, this champagne is great…

Yes. Drink, darling, drink, relax.

Relax.

You're relaxed.

It's funny, I'd never noticed.

What, honey?

Well… One of your eyes
is smaller than the other.

It's true, I'm telling you
one eye is smaller than the other.

Okay, that's enough.

Ah, if you'd made me laugh all the time…

Oh, I suddenly feel knackered.

Yes… Let go, darling, let go.

Hey, since when are you
interested in hypnosis?

Hypnosis?

Yes, I found a book on hypnosis

when I was going through your things.

No, it must be Annie's.
She's strange at times!

Look at me well, that's it.
Only my voice counts now.

You're tired, you've had a long day.

-Repeat after me: I'm relaxed.
-I'm relaxed.

-Cool.
-Cool.

Let yourself go. My voice is your friend,

your eyelids are heavy, very heavy,

you're closing your eyes.

Good, you're floating on clouds.

My voice is the only link
between the reality that disappears…

Disappears.

Lift your right arm!

Right!

Higher! Even higher!

Left arm!

Stop!

Open your eyes!

Cool.

It's working. It's working.

Stay here and don't move, I'll be back.

Are you still asleep, my love?

Lower your arms!

Here!

Get up!

Are you still dependent on my voice?

Stop!

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Yes, really cool!

I'm going to miss you, you know.

Your tender looks, your sweet words,
your little details every day…

-Are you going to miss me?
-Yes, Robert.

Shame.

Now, to start, give me
your diamond necklace.

Now I'll speak to you with
this little radio and you'll obey me…

You'll see how funny it is!

Take off that lovely dress
and put on your overalls.

Right, my slug?

Impossible!

Why?

I gave them to Emmaüs this morning!

And your boots?

The boots…

The boots too.

Have you bought more overalls?

No.

Are you mocking me?

A six-plate dress.

Right, well, let's go!

Go to the garden!

Very good, cool…

Perfect.

Go towards the pond. Cool.

Relax, don't worry, I'm here.

Now, go towards the small bridge.

Received, tadpole?

Cool.

I like it when you're obedient.

Great, you're the perfect guinea pig.

Turn around.

Don't move.

Good, can you hear me?

-Loud and clear.
-Good.

When I say jump, you jump!

Received?

Yes, Robert.

Goodbye, my ex and hello, toads.

Jump!

What's happening, what are you doing?

Hello, what's happening? Answer me!

I'm floating, Robert. I'm floating.

Well, move! Do something! Move!

Cool.

Yeah, right, cool.

I can't because of my dress.

What about it?

It's like a hot air balloon!

It's Millard, you need to
come here right now!

What's the emergency?

There's a big problem in your story.

-Come and fix it right now!
-Why not tomorrow?

It's tomorrow. It's half past midnight.
You've got 30 minutes.

I'm coming. You're a trooper, you know!

I don't understand. It was all perfect,
the volume, the weight, the mass,

the friction percentage
of a 100% cotton outfit,

the average resistance
of mud in Western Europe.

Weighed against the sludge in the boots,

she'd go in under two minutes. At first…

But, more so, what do you do if
she doesn't sink to the bottom?

There's a woman asleep in a lake!

Asleep, Piche, not dead!

It must be finished,
we must finish the job.

So? Tell me your ideas.

-The three parts.
-Yes, of course.

No body, no tracks.

-No tracks, no…
-Murder, yes.

No murder! Yes, I know.

Carry on!

Three solutions: fire, concrete, acid.

Acid is dangerous
to work with, you can see fire.

I'd be more for concrete,

but we'd need to find two tonnes of it.

It isn't easy to find
two tonnes of concrete.

And then you have to make it,
it'd need to be quick-setting.

French concrete works for that,
I was researching it to write a…

Thanks, Piche, that's enough!

Sorry to bother you, I like
solving problems quickly.

Yes.

Oh no, I haven't had eight hours sleep,

my eyelids are drooping, you know?

Yeah, have a nice Sunday!

Mr. Millard! Mr. Millard?

Sorry, the garden, the house, the pond,
it's funny, it's like in my book.

-Really?
-Yes.

A little bit more middle-class,
but it's very similar.

Maybe, yes!

-So what?
-Fiction… reality…

I'm not sure.

Me too, I'm so tired. Goodnight, Piche!

It's funny, I feel like
I've been cheated here. You've used me.

You've been paid, leave me.

But that was it,
your so-called order? A murder!

A murder! That's a harsh word.

What? I want the truth, the whole truth.

-I'm listening!
-Stop shouting! I'm fragile.

I'll stop shouting when
I know the truth. Come on!

Okay, Piche, I give up!

Anyway, it's better like this.

Yes, I tried to kill my wife…

She ruined my life for years
and I couldn't put an end to it.

Anyway, I'm not fit for
these types of things.

I tried but… I can't.

Please understand me…

I don't know where I stand now.

I'm tired of lying and pretending,

I'm sick and tired, Piche.

If… I'm…

I'm a killer on the loose,
I'm just a monster.

Please don't leave me.

Help me.

She must be stiff, poor thing!

Don't worry, she loves mud baths.

She spends a fortune on them.

Oh, right.

When you rang me,
I thought it was about my book.

-Your book?
-Yes, the romance one.

-Ah, yes! "I Love You Before".
-No, "I Love You", haven't you read it?

I'm a little down, you know,
I don't read when I'm sad,

but I'm getting better.
I swear I'll read it.

Stop lying, it'll clear your head.

-Lift her feet.
-Yeah.

-Come on.
-Wait.

Her legs!

Don't push.

Come on, wake up.

She can't sleep like that for 100 years!

Let me do it.

Mrs. Millard, I'm talking to you now.

I'm going to count to three,
then open your eyes.

It's really easy, huh.

One, two, three, open.

Yeah, really easy.

Mrs. Millard! You're hearing my voice.

I'm sure you're hearing my voice!

I'll count to three.

One, two.

-Three!
-Three!

We're in deep shit.

Yeah, speak for yourself!

Darling! Wake up, darling!

Come on, wake up.

-Wait!
-Oh, no!

-Mrs. Millard!
-Wait!

Darling?

Your remote doesn't work.

It's like walking to a terminal!

Is your hypnotist far away?

Wagram Square. Of course, at this time!

Go and wake her up there.

Maybe he can wake her up!

Piche, thanks again.

Goodnight!

Have I woken you up?

Yes.

48 hours have passed.

It's you and me now, as promised!

I was in the middle of a dream, Robert.

Reality is even better.
See you at mine at 9 p.m.

Your place? And your wife?

At 9 p.m! See you later, baby.

Did you have a good night?

I didn't get a wink!

My wife has left.

In my job, there are no timetables.

She got tired of
spending every night alone.

She only left me the fridge.

What are you doing here?

Well, I wanted to know:

does Mrs. Millard prefer
mud baths or concrete baths?

Well done, anyway,

your toilets are just as silent
as an accused minister.

You're photogenic, you know.

With a 200, your wife in the mud,

you're amazing, really here!

Look. It's a bit gritty
because of the enlargement!

Mud's really good for you,
it keeps you young.

50,000 for the shot!

With its negative, semi-matte and

and velvety print… coaster included.

I mean, it's a great deal.

It'll be hard to get Roseline back.

Yeah, I understand.

Come to mine at 6 p.m.,
I can go to the bank.

I'm off, I've got other clients to see.

-Mr. Colle?
-Yes?

Shit!

What a nightmare.

God, my head hurts.

Who are you? What do you want from me?

Do you take coffee with or without sugar?

The midget! He tried to cement me!

Then you'd never be found,
neither in the foundations or in the lake.

Killing me for our
15th anniversary, the bastard!

What will you do now?

Eye for eye,
concrete for concrete, we'll blow him up.

What do you mean, "we"?

Well, you've worked for him,
now you'll work for me.

Get an idea to make him disappear.

-I'll pay you good money.
-No way.

How much did he give you? For my head?

Er, 50,000.

50 grand? Son of a bitch!

I'll give you a hundred

for the same job, but finished.

No, are you hallucinating?

No, personally, I can't…

Personally, shut your mouth!

Because personally,
you aren't in a position to refuse

and personally, don't make me get nasty.

Right, let's be serious.

You deal with your husband
and you forget about me, okay?

What are you doing? Who are you calling?

The third eye!

-Mr. Colle.
-Yes, Mrs. Millard?

Yes, can you come and see Mr…

Mr. What?

-Piche.
-Mr. Piche.

I'm on my way.

Sorry.

Mrs. Millard. I was behind the door.

-Did you hear our conversation?
-Yes.

For 50,000, I'd be happy
to blackmail Mr. Piche.

What? But… I save your life
and this is how you treat me?

You have to cooperate! There's no choice!

He's bluffing, you'll lose your 50,000.

Accomplice in an attempted murder…

And next? When…

When I get you out.

End of a roll! No more Pelloch! Sorry!

Sorry, it's not that I don't trust you
but I prefer to count it.

It's fine.

-Here's the negative.
-Did you only get one shot?

No, do you want to see the others?

They're not as nice,
they're yours for 10,000.

I mean, you pay the price for night work.

If by chance we have to get a divorce,

it'll be really expensive.

Well, anyway!

Here, you in the garden,

you near the boat,

you and Mr. Piche, moving the body.

It's easy, there are 24,
so 240,000 in total.

The negatives.

I almost forgot.

Perfect, would you like a drink?

Always on duty!

I'm a funny guy, right?

I like good professionals.

And I like good clients.

You know,
I wrote four letters to Roseline.

In one I got sick of making rhymes.

Not many words rhyme with Roseline.

Yes, there are lots…

I've thought!

-Ice?
-No, dry.

Has she got a lover?

I can't got any cash, do you mind?

Yes, a cheque.

Feeling tired, Mr. Colle?

Don't you like whisky?

It's the heat.

Artists can't stand the heat

just as much as killers.

You haven't answered me.

Do you think my wife has a lover?

I'm not the professional stalker here.

With all my work, I don't have time
to sort my marriage out.

-Here you are.
-Thank you.

You're welcome!

Honestly…

Robert?

Robert?

PICK UP!

It's me.

Where are you?

It's all ready.

Come to my magical garden party.

-Where?
-Follow the arrows.

Did you like the path?

Flowers, dress, jewels,
who would complain?

-Why such a big show?
-To celebrate my freedom.

To show you actions
speak louder than words!

More promises?

Come… follow me.

Come and see.

-What's this?
-My wife's bonsai collection.

Impressive, right?

Here, look at these little
pampered, dressed up trunks,

all their little leaves
watered drop by drop

to gain that enviable green.

It's a true family.

This is Luc and Hubert.

So blue for boys,
pink for girls, of course.

And Julie. Say hello, Julie.

She's gorgeous, Julie.

Julie's had an accident.

Anaïs too!

Charlotte, Emilie, she's been a
real pain in the arse with all this.

The boys as well! Oops!

François, Sébastien and the others, too!

I've been waiting ten years to do this!

Do you believe me now?

Where's your wife? On holiday?

I killed her.

Yes, I hypnotised her,
drugged her and buried her.

Exit Mrs. Millard.

And what's next, Mr. Millard?

Do we have enough time to make love
before the dragon comes back?

Welcome to my secret world
where no one has stepped foot

and where no noise will annoy us.

My isolated, soundproof privacy,

where only the beating of
our hearts will echo in harmony.

-Robert.
-Shh.

Not a word…

The phone, Robert!

-Oh, no.
-Maybe it's your wife.

It'd surprise me.

Wait.

Yes?

No, I can't tell you
anything, Mr. Millard.

No, I can only say
that this is very risky for us.

Yes, I'm currently in a cabin
in a northern district.

Yes, you need to come right now.

Wait.

-The address.
-Oh, yes.

You need to write the address.
Write it down, for God's sake!

-Is that okay?
-Good.

What a face! Was it really your wife?

No, it was work, the Koreans.

They need me now,
if I don't go, I lose clients and…

Have a bath, I'll be an hour, wait for me.

I can come with you.
I can wait in the car.

It's complicated as it is,
it's better if I go alone.

Wait for me, I'll be one hour.

Don't worry, just one hour.

My keys… Have you seen my keys?

Didn't you leave them upstairs?

Maybe… One hour.

Obviously.

So, what's up?

As one of my characters would say,
we're in the wrong.

We've joined the dark side,
in one word, we're in trouble.

We need to get out!

I don't understand this at all.

What trouble? What dark side?

I took the detective down!

Mr. Colle? So what?

He saw and photographed
it all to blackmail you.

Yeah, I paid him,
I gave him 250,000 Francs!

He won't have time
to enjoy them, I got rid of him.

That guy never leaves his prey.

-He blackmailed us both.
-How did you kill him?

-Gently.
-What?

Crushed in his car.

Perfect!

Really crushed?

I wish I'd been there.
And why did you call me?

I need to move the
scrap metal from the press…

There's a crane,
but my problem is that I'm small.

No, Piche, you're a real pain in the arse!

-Right, where is it?
-On the left.

He came here without being wary?

Yes, just like you!

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Where's the block?

Er, over there, I think.

Irène…

Does it throw you for six,
seeing me alive and kicking?

Here we go!

Reverse slowly!

Reverse!

It's… Irène.

It's… She's nice.

Come on!

She threatened to go to the police

for helping to murder her.
I couldn't do anything!

Carry on!

Keep going!

Go on, keep going.

-Ah, no.
-Stop!

No, darling, you aren't going to…

Oh, yes,

I'm clearly going to squash both of you!

What? Wait! I wasn't warned, madam.

"No witnesses, no body.
No body, no murder."

You said it! Sorry.

Darling, it's
a misunderstanding. I can explain…

Zilch, zero, nothing! Bollocks.

You tried to bury me,
I was drowning in the mass!

No, darling!

Madam, let me out, please!

Madam!

No, darling!

Please, no!

-I beg you!
-Madam!

Ah, no!

-No!
-Robert, stop… Do something!

What are you doing?

The blow-up doll is always
ready to do extra hours!

Great, it's a whole family affair!

He's right, why are you here?

No, darling, forgive me!

I still love you lots.

I made a mistake with this little slut.

She asked me to get rid of you.

-Robert?
-Shh, I'm negotiating.

You'll explain on the other side!

Right… Have a nice trip!

No!

Shit!

Me! Let me through, I'm the smallest!

-Me!
-No, let me.

Don't move!
The ride isn't over yet! Get in the car.

-No!
-Please!

Mrs. Millard, stop!
It isn't a perfect crime,

I saw the flash!
A photo of you with a gun,

that'll get you 15 years!
Mrs. Millard, please.

Irène! Get me out of here, I want to live!

Oh, my little Bobby, are you scared?
Are you melting down?

Irène, I'm innocent, I love you.
It wasn't me, it was them!

What?

Just like that, you hate her?

Of course I do!

It was purely sexual, but…

-And still… Sexual charity!
-Robert!

Prove to me you aren't lying.

What? How?

Strangle her! Grab her by the throat!

You… Aren't going to do that?

Come on! What are you waiting for?

Sorry, Eve! I'm really sorry.

-Don't!
-Stop!

-Let go!
-What are you doing?

What are you doing?

That's enough, let go!

Awful!

Get out!

Yes, darling.

Both of you, not a word, okay?

-Yes, okay!
-Stay there.

Okay, don't get angry.

She hurt me.

It gets the blood flowing! Let's go home!

He tried to kill me!

Don't worry, everything's under control.

Wait, you've forgotten something! Madam!

Wait!

It's good to talk. A real eye-opener.

We're even!

-Yes. No grudges?
-No more low blows?

No, loyalty and trust!

Yes, we forget everything and…

And start from scratch.

-I couldn't stop her.
-Oh, no!

She went crazy,
when I got back it was too late!

Robert, look…

Ah, no! Irène!

Right, well, I'll leave you,
have a good night!

If you don't mind…

I feel a bit silly asking you this,

I've had an awful night,
I'm really distressed, I…

I'd like to…

Could you sleep
at mine tonight, if you don't mind?

Oh, right… yes.

Of course, no problem, if it'll help you.

Thanks.

Yes, it'd be a great pleasure
for me to help you.

Thank you.

These croissants are delicious…

Don't you think the shape
of croissants is really original,

it's true, it's funny, the curve.

I'd love to meet whoever invented them.

You've got an appetite, it's nice to see…

Apart from your strong love for croissants

and your talent as a romance author,

I know nothing about you…

Oh, talent…

I don't know, 86 crime novels,

one neglected romance novel. Why?

I'm good at crimes, it's like that!

Not at all! You're made for… for dreams,

exoticism, romance…

I sent it to every publisher
in Paris and no one wanted it…

You need to hang in and keep going.

Your love story is fabulous,
you have a unique style…

You're not at all the author
of those airport novels,

I'm sure you're an amazing, sensitive guy…

Yes.

-Sensual.
-Exactly!

Unpredictable…

Sorry.

And also emotional!

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Shit.

Really, I…

Don't worry.

In fact, you're… You're a rare species.

Can I… Can I ask you
something really personal?

Of course.

I'd really like to kiss you.

Really?

On the mouth, if I can.

Are you there?

Hello, it's me. I know you're there…

Answer me, you know, I'm going…

Sorry, I'm used to being really
direct with women,

I hope you weren't taken aback.

Yes, it's me again, pick up!

-Darling, what's the matter?
-I'll kill that bitch!

-Did you take your tranquillisers?
-Yes, twice.

Come on, we said it was in the past.

No grudges, not worth going over it again,

come on, calm down, come here.

And my babies?

I'll buy you some smaller,
new ones, dwarf bonsai.

-All little bonsai?
-Little, new, cute ones.

They have to be
under warranty, brand new and green.

Of course, I promise.

I won't leave you alone again, it's over.

Robert?

Yes, chicken?

Do you know what I'd like?

Tell me, treasure!

-You'll say I'm stupid.
-No, darling.

A… teddy bear.

Don't move, I'll get it!

-A big teddy.
-A big one.

Eve? It's me, Robert.

I've brought you your car!

We need to talk. Open, I've got the keys!

Where does she park?

Just outside!

Thanks for the service! Bye.

You're welcome.

So, this is you in action
and this is him in the scrapyard.

Do you want them?

A husband almost turned into a statue is
expensive, especially in 18 x 24.

My husband isn't inside.

Ah, do you want me to
do it again in infrared

so you can see their crushed bones?

There'll be less contrast
but it'll be more expensive.

Shit.

Listen…

Last night, I found out
that Roseline has a lover.

6 feet tall, an IQ of 12,

but a great right hook.

So, it's really not the time to be an ass.

Roseline?

She's my wife!

Good for you!

-What's he doing here?
-I was telling madam that…

-You aren't dead.
-Get out.

Right, I'll get going.

Darling, is this okay?

It's beautiful and so soft!

Mine too, touch it.

Are… you tired?

No. I'm thinking of that bitch

who ruined our marriage
and killed my babies.

I'm thinking of the awful psychopath

who doesn't deserve to breathe air…

Thank you.

One, two, three! Go!

No!

What's up?

Don't move.

An African wasp.

It jumps on everything
that moves, its bite is deadly!

What shall we do?

Wait, it'll come to me!

Three minutes.
You can't move for three minutes.

Do you see it?

-Yeah.
-Where is it?

-It's above the curtains.
-What's it doing?

Looking at us.

-Gérard.
-Yes?

I've got pins and needles.

Just wait 45 seconds.

That should do the trick.

What's the matter?

-They've tried to kill us.
-Who?

-Robert and his wife.
-What?

"Tropical Bites",
dark crime collection, number 34,

desert rattlesnake for the man,
African wasp for the woman.

My crime was perfect.

But they're completely mental.

Luckily, we're dealing with amateurs.

Well, another publisher
who says no without reading it!

You know "Love Story"
was rejected 18 times.

Eighteen times?

Are you sure they're going on holiday?

Yes, they've got the tickets.

And us? What do we do?

Listen, I've thought about it…

All of this violence, jealousy,
and hatred, we've gone too far!

Yes, are you chickening out?

No, we have to act like adults.

Invite them to dinner, then!

Why not?

We need to move on and
go back to how we were!

Yes, how we were… like before.

I prefer the murder option!

Can we play it out in this set?

Okay! You win, we have dinner.

You lose, we kill them.

I'll serve first.

Are you ready, darling?

Ready to move on, absolutely.

You've thought about it…

There's no other solution, right?

Come on, let's go.

Let's go.

Wait, I forgot the flowers.

Sorry, I know you're waiting for guests,

but have you got two minutes?

No problem. Come in.

-Can I?
-Of course.

Obviously, the shot isn't perfect,
but at 65 feet…

You know what this is…

So?

You know, Mr. Colle,
this is all in the past.

Yes, but a double
attempted murder is worth 100,000.

Mr. Colle, listen to what my wife says.

Do you know who this
little party is for tonight?

-For them?
-Precisely!

Take off your gear, sit down
and have a glass of champagne

while I make your last cheque.

-A cheque? Did you say…
-Your redundancy.

Including your social security,

your annual leave and your pension…

Darling, serve our friend while I do it.

He'll sort it out for you.

Well, thank you.

I'll accompany you.

Well, thanks for everything.

-Have a safe trip.
-Thanks.

Hey, how's your wife?

Ah, didn't I tell you?

Both her and her lover, suddenly dead.

No fuel in a microlight
at an altitude of 4,000 feet,

it's unforgivable!

It's awful.

Yes, it's
the dark crime collection, number 67.

Yes, it's all in the past for me too.

-Mr. Colle?
-Yes?

Take care.

Oh, I thought so too.

I'll open my present.

-Go on, go on.
-Yes.

Oh, some matchsticks?

Extra large!

-Oh, candles.
-Floating!

For your romantic dinners.

Right, my turn.

A drum… Amazing!

-Go on, play it!
-Can I?

-Of course.
-Well… Okay.

A visual drum.
Pleases the eye without noise!

-Ah, it's poetic!
-Wonderful!

What's this?

It's happiness in its purest state. May I?

It's funny, having Christmas
in the middle of July.

Yes, it's funny, right?

Right… here we go.

It's the silent song.

My ghost…

My quest… my Grail.

And to finish, the highlight of my
"Decibel-free Christmas" kit!

Look, actually, listen.

A velvet, synthetic plastic stopper
which drains fermented fumes!

A party, but in silence!

Let's drink, my friends.

A glass.

Two glasses.

After two glasses, honey?

Three glasses.

After three?

Four glasses?

It's in there.

Let's drink, my friends.

Let's drink to feelings
that unite men and women.

I love feelings because they're silent.

Let's love in silence
and forget the burning past,

forget the sound of grudges!

This toast is for the calm of bodies
and the harmony of souls.

-To us!
-To us!

-Chin, chin.
-Sh.

Please!

Face to face.

Come, Eve, I want to show you something.

Well, your flowers are beautiful.

Thank you.

The captivating smell of exotic flowers.

Great speech!

Thank you.

No, I'm happy to see you…

-Happy again, you can say it.
-That's it.

Actually, between
you and I, I can tell you now,

this affair was weighing me down.

Lies, hotels, promises
I couldn't keep… It wasn't for me!

Especially as your wife is… truly…

Strong?

-Yes.
-Yeah, you could say that.

Strange and strong!

Funnily enough, I don't like
weak ones, they're usually loud.

It's true, weakness is quite loud.

I thought you were weak… I was wrong.

I thought you were strong and I was right.

My new babies!

Ah, they're lovely!

They're still young, but in a few months,

I'll try mating them for the first time.

Can I have one?

Of course, darling, you're so cute.

That's kind, thank you.

You and Gérard make a really good couple.

-You don't hate me for…
-Not at all, actually…

All of this has brought
Robert and I closer.

He's calmer, he's sweeter,

he's… he's more…

He's less…

Even better!

Yes, even better.

A little bit more.

So, you're going on holiday to get a tan?

Exactly. We're going to
the islands for a fortnight.

The islands? Aren't they a bit noisy

with all the coconut trees,
waves and tourists?

No, there are no tourists,
just the sea, my wife and myself.

Your wife?

-Didn't Mr. Colle tell you?
-No!

-Gérard proposed to me.
-And?

Well, she said yes,
she's already got the ring.

It's true, I said yes.

We're going to get married on holiday.

Congratulations! Right, darling?

Right, I'm going to check the turkey.

Actually, do you know how
Robert proposed to me?

Whispering?

No.

-Hesitating?
-No.

Writing?

No, in debt.

Oh, okay. Oh, yes.

Yes.

What a night!

Goodnight.

Where is he?

Gérard?

All good things come to an end.

Thank you, Irène.

Take care.

I was ducking around.

Give me a kiss.

My pleasure. Thanks again.

Take care.

My little Gérard, you're funny.

-Thank you.
-Take care.

Okay. You too.

-Thanks again!
-Yeah.

-Take care.
-Thanks, goodnight.

Bye bye.

Take care.

Take care.

Take care!

-Did you get to do everything?
-Yes.

Did you bring the remote?

Perfect.

I've never had such an exciting Christmas.

The grand finale in two minutes.

Come! We'll see it from here.

Here.

Is it for me?

What is it?

A little present to stay on good terms.

Gold?

Can I try them on?

There's never been a better moment!

How much?

-What?
-How much time?

Fifteen seconds.

In 15 seconds,
they'll be like Charybdis and Cesna.

Scylla, darling, Scylla.

You know what I mean!

We're together again.

Kiss me and put your earplugs in.

Wow!

Time bomb. Classic but effective.

They must be celebrating their victory.

While they can.

No regrets?

No remorse either!

Do you have a torch?

Wait, candles are more romantic.

Oh yes, our friends' candles.

Don't you think
these flowers smell strange?

Yes, it's true, they smell a bit like…

You see, love, nothing beats gas!

-Have a good trip.
-Thank you.

-Hello, miss.
-Hello. Thank you.

-Sorry!
-Don't worry.

Madam?

Sir?

-Madam?
-No, thanks.

Follow that plane, quickly!

Subtitle translation by: Katie Wright