Touch Me in the Morning (1999) - full transcript

Guiseppe Andrews stars as Coney Island, a young man who is dealing with a lot of the issues facing today's youth: divorce, unemployment, sexual inadequacy and a gigolo father who has just been released from prison! Ever the optimist, Coney Island spends his days singing songs of hope to senior citizens and riding miniature broncos at his favorite playground. Pushed by his unfulfilled girlfriend to grow up, Coney Island turns to Daddy Bill (Bill Nowlin) for advice in the ways of love, embarking on a grotesque and wildly hilarious journey of self discovery.


Not bad.


Hey, greetings.

Greetings from Tromaville,
and welcome to the lovingly

recreated, digitally
remastered director's cut

DVD of Giuseppe Andrews'
"Touch Me in the Morning."

You probably remember that Troma
discovered Giuseppe Andrews

and is the first to have
distributed his films.

"Trailer Town,"
which you can see

on Troma DVD, along
with his wonderful film,

"Dribble," which won
the Independent Spirit

Award at the Tromadance
Film Festival of 2004.

The mainstream hasn't yet
embraced Giuseppe Andrews

in spite of the wonderful Troma
DVD, "Trailer Town," but many

of the vanguard of
the film community,

people like Eli Roth, who made
"Cabin Fever," and Adam Rifkin,

who directed the "Detroit
Cock City," right?

It was "Detroit Rock City."

Dr. Peckers, what
is up in the future

for Giuseppe Andrews and Troma?

The Bathroom Home School
Box Set DVD from Troma.

Bach bach bach.

That's pretty egg-citing.

Now, what happened is that
the "Trailer Town," the DVD

from Giuseppe Andrews that
Troma released last year,

did $300 million
in the first week

of its theatrical
engagement, therefore we

decided that we would
release four more Giuseppe

Andrews movies in a box set.

Did you know that this DVD of--

The morning touching?

"Touch Me in the Morning."

There's wonderful bonuses on the
"Touch Me in the Morning" DVD.

Giuseppe Andrews' film
"After School Specials."

--[INAUDIBLE] in the "After
School Special," want to remind

you kids, don't do drugs.

Unless it's vitamins.


Well, the Troma team and
I would like to thank you,

along with Dr.
Peckers for watching

this incredible introduction.

And any parting
words about "Touch

Me in the Morning," Hemophilia?

I believe that it
features more naked old men

than Dick Cheney's bar mitzvah.

Wow, and that's a
lot of naked old men.

Anyway, it's time
to kick back and put

on a pair of fun underwears and
watch the lovingly recreated,

digitally remastered,
director's cut

DVD of the brilliant director,
Giuseppe Andrews', "Touch Me

in the Morning."

-Let's watch.


God, I love a pony.

Oh, it's such a nice horse.

Got, I love a pony.

I used to have a
horse named Toughy.

He was always looking
for a little pussy.

Well, you know, him and I
got a problem with that.

Anybody here?

Anybody here?

I don't know how long.

It seems like it's
not been too long ago,

but I still think we
still may be in love.

Three little
motherfuckers just did it.

I just went out there.

I said, you know what?
Fuck you.

You ain't scaring me.

Big old-- they're
throwing big old rocks

at my fucking head and shit.
Be careful.

If you think I'd bullshit ya?

Look at this.

Hey watch.


God damn.
-God damn.



That's my mom
and dad's picture.

I didn't fuck it up, did I?

--Yes, you did.


That's it, man.
That was a kidney.

Don't kidney shot me again,
Dennis, for no reason.

Well, you know what?
Why'd you do that?

Well, you shouldn't
have done that.

That's my mom.
-I'm sorry.

I know.
It's OK.

Get up.

Come on.

I'm going to come up
and right in the throat.


You know what?

Don't fucking touch me again.

You know what motherfucker?

You break things up.

Come on.

It's OK.
It's not important.


I'll do it, Dennis.

I'll bust you up.

You know what?

Why'd you do that?

None of your business.

Do it?

Come on.

You better swing.


I'm going to tell you what.

You're being an asshole.

Know what?

You got out of place.

He [INAUDIBLE] fucking asshole.


Well, you busted up my mom
and dad's picture, asshole.

I'm sorry.
Doing me wrong.

I hit it.

I'll buy you a new
frame and everything.

Never mind.
Never mind.

Just go home.

-I didn't mean to do
-I know you didn't.


Just go, man.

Get your ass out of here.

Me and you.

Get over there.

You want to be a man?

You want to go in.

You know what?

We will.

You know what?

There's no witnesses.

I've got your number, dude.

I'm going rub your
fucking head while I

kick your fucking face in.

You are?

You don't want it?
-How much you want?

Let me catch you going
up and down the street.

How much you want?

In the store, Dennis.

What you doing?

I just went to the store.

I just bought things, and I
don't remember how to get there

or how I got home.

Louise, how are you doing?

It's weird getting a chance to
tell my story to all you folks.

A guy like me usually
never gets heard.

I'm just a little guy
from Dallas, Texas.

But, hey, maybe you'll
find my story interesting.

My real name is Edgardo.

But I call myself Coney Island.

I was a change-of-life
baby, which

means my parents were both
really old when I was born.

My mother is a cokehead
and my dad's a drunk.

The first people we're going
to meet are my grandparents.

My grandad is 105.

He's the oldest man
alive in Dallas.

He looks really
good for his age,

because all he ate was
homemade yogurt his whole life.

Annie, get me a Popsicle.


I want a divorce.


So what?
Get me a Popsicle.


Hello, my son, Edgardo.

Thanks for the information
on the electric bike.

I think I will get the deluxe
model and an extra battery.

It should give me
a 40-mile range.

I should be able to go about
80 miles before a charge

if needed.

I will be out of this
hell hose in five days.

If you see any of
my bitches, tell

them Daddy Bill's coming home.

By the time you get this,
I'll be almost out of here.

Love, Daddy Bill.

The next guy we're going
to meet his Harmonica Pete.

He was having an
affair with my mother.

They met at rehab BINGO.


Excuse me, sir.

Can you spare some change?

Well, I can give
you some food, sir,

but you'll only be
hungry tomorrow.

But if you let me teach
you how to grow food,

you'll never be hungry again.

Fuck, I'm just
trying to get a beer.

Fuck you.

Man, so my dad gets
out of jail this week.

You dad gets out of jail?

I didn't know he was in jail.

What happened was--

The light went out.

What happened was,
they accused of raping

and murdering a homeless women.

That's not Bill.

He was with Joyce Valetta.
-Watch it.

The wire's right there.

Don't touch it.

He was with Joyce
Valetta the night it

happened, but Joyce is married.

And she wouldn't testify,
because she didn't

want her husband to
know that, you know,

she's out fucking Bill.

So how they got him
out was with the DNA.

The DNA didn't match up.

So they found bull
semen in the woman.

Apparently she worked for the
rodeo, and she fucked a bull

and it killed her.

And Bill had entered a
bull riding contest--

-Yeah, at the fairgrounds.

At the fairgrounds, and he
was like the last one they saw

with her, so they accused him.

But everything's cool now.

He's getting out.

-That's cool.

He wanted me to
stop by and tell you

that he's going to be throwing
this birthday bash next week,

and you're invited.
-All right.

That sounds good.

I don't what the
fuck's with that light.

How long you been here, man?

Two months.


I can afford it, so--

You like it?

Yeah, it's all right.

It's got maid service.

It's a pretty clean room.

It's nice.

This fucking light.

Everything works pretty good
though except for this light.

Well, it did work.

I pulled the cord one day
and the fucker snapped off.

Now it won't work at all.




It's this extension cord.

There were these two people who
used to do Tai Chi in the park.

They were my babysitters
when I was 5.

They used to kick me
when I misbehaved.

And one time she
held me down while he

burned me with his cigarette.

But they always took
me for ice cream after.

Thanks for coming
to see me, son.

No problem.

Why did you and
dad get a divorce?

He was fucking other women.

I heard you got
a new boyfriend.

He's black and he works for KFC.

You want a shot of tequila?


Man, what's that smell?

I stepped in dog shit.

Do you want to snort a line?


You know, that stuff's
bad for you, mama.

But it makes you feel good.

(VOICEOVER): Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

We'd like to welcome our
Dallas-Fort Worth boarding

passengers on board the
continuation of Delta Airlines

flight number 665, Boeing
747 jet service, now nonstop

to Seattle-Tacoma
International Airport,

continuing on to
Portland, Oregon.

This is one of
my dad's friends,

Walt. The guy across from him
with the short hair is Teddy.

He likes to hang out
by school playgrounds

and show kids his private parts.

Every day him and Walt hang
out and talk about movies

and television shows.

Neither one of them know
what they're talking about.

Old movies have a lot of class.

You can get into them.

The characters.

Well, Herman the
Munster was on "Car 54."

That's right.

And the old guy too, Al Lewis.


Those are two old-time actors.

I haven't seen him in years.

It's been--

I think that Freddy
or Fred is dead.


Fred-- Fred Corey.

I think his name was Fred Corey.

He's dead.
-The fat guy.

The big guy, the
Herman Munster guy.

But Al Lewis is still alive.

Of course, he doesn't have
to put the make up on anymore

to play grandpa.

I know.
He's that old.

Yeah, the old moves
were the classics.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, they don't
sell 'em anymore.

They used to.

I like to watch a lot
of Humphrey Bogart.

Well, they do on
22 or something.



Turner Classic Movies.


Man, I haven't seen
any of them in years.

I wish they still made
movies in black and white,

you know what I mean?

Get a black and white TV.

Oh, that would change the
whole perspective, huh?

Seeing John Travolta
in black and white?

Could you imagine that?


You like John Travolta?

"Welcome Back Kotter."

That's when he was just
a little bitty kid, huh?

-That's right.

weren't even wet.

You know the first time I saw
him was an "Emergency" episode.

He was laying on the stretcher.

Honest to God.

I wouldn't lie to you.

What movie?

It was "Emergency."

You remember the
show "Emergency"--


--with the--

Yeah, the ambulance.

--Squad 51 and the
big cherry picker truck.


They went and I think he was
on the freeway in a roll over,

and they put him on a stretcher.

And I said, by God,
that's John Travolta.

He couldn't have been about 16.

I don't remember that.

That's a true story.


Then he learned how
to dance, and he got

into "Saturday Night Fever."

-Disco nights.

This is the trailer
park I was raised in.

I had some beautiful times here.

Me and my dad used to do all
kinds of father and son stuff

like change the
propane tanks together.

My mom still lives here.

This is where I visit
her every weekend.

Did you bring me 40, son?

No, mom.

You know I don't
like you drinking.

But I have something to ask you.

I've been having all these
problems with my girlfriend,

and tell me something.

What's the exact
definition of impotence?

Dead peter.

Did dad have it?

No, son.

He fucked a lot of whores.

Hey, mom.

You ever eat Rocky
Mountain oysters?

Ain't them bull balls?


-I don't eat balls.
-Hey, mom.

Not dad ever have
a pet name for you?

You know, when you guys
were like really in love?

-What was it?

Melon tits.

Hey, mom.

How do you keep
that brown spot out

of the back of your underwear?

Clean your ass better.

What are you having for
dinner tonight, mama?

Slim Jim and eggs.

Yeah, you should come with me.

He's going to the
restaurant to eat there.

This is my Uncle Sammy.

He's a homeless heroin addict.

His nickname is El Dukie.

He takes baths in motel pools.

He always has
feces on his socks,

because he wipes his
hiney with his socks

and puts them back on.

We had to give him a ride once
to the mall to buy underwear.

And my dad had to stick
his head out the window

because he stunk so bad.


This is my dad's
other friend, Denny.

He took me fishing once, and we
smoked some weed out of a beer


He goes around to all the
dating services in town

and tries to get some action.

He thinks women
like him because he

looks like the guy in ZZ Top.

I'm going to be filming
your personal video today.

I'm going to need you to look
right into the camera here.

So tell me, what kind of
lady interests you most?

-Um, uh, white.

I mean what inner
qualities do you look for?

-Um, um, white.

I mean what inner
qualities do you look for?

Some lady to just lick my beard
and do it real fine like this.

Well, good.

That'll be all I need.

Thank you very much.

You'll be getting
some calls real soon.

Oh, really?


All right.

All right.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, yeah.


There ain't nothing in the world
like a bow legged girl, man.

Oh, yeah.

You gotta sing with me
in the fucking shower

you, motherfucking whore.


Dance with me, bitch.

Love is the fucking answer.

I love you.

I fucking-- god, I love it.


I'm so-- Key Largo.

That's where it's at.

Down in fucking Florida.

Oh, yeah.

I can remember when

you stupid son of a bitch.

I don't want to hear it.



I forgot my fucking socks.
Son of a bitch.

Oh, boy.

That hot water's good.

What you got on your mind, boy?

Well, I gotta tell you--
I mean, my girlfriend.

She's really been yelling
at me lately, daddy.

Why don't you tell her
to go get-- why don't

you tell her to go get fucked?

Because I feel like--

You love her?


You don't even love me,
and I'm your old man.

Yeah, well--

Why the fuck you
want that bitch?

I want to marry one day.

You're dumber than a
fucking box of rocks.

That's right.

No fucking woman in the
world as good as you are.

Or me.

I've have three wives and
five kids and none of them

motherfuckers are good.

You're one of 'em.

Now listen to me here.

Now listen to me, dad.

You ever hear that?

What's that?

It's an old cowboy thing.
You know.

Ride Old Paint.

Leave an old bottle cap.

Wait until he takes a fall.

Probably be sometime next fall.

And you know, that old shit
down there in Oklahoma.

You know, rattlesnakes
bite me, crawl off and die.

Centipedes look at me
and spit in my eye.

Nothing compares to
my tough old hide.

You're part of that kind
of the fucking world.

Oh fuck.

There ain't enough
fucking toilet

paper to wipe my fucking ass.

I'll take some
more of this shit.

Hey, don't look.

Would you let me take a shit?

Would you do that?

Let me take a fucking shit.

One thing [INAUDIBLE]

You know what?

I love you so much,
I could just shit.

So how you been, mom?


But you can't come here no more.


Because my
boyfriend's moving in.

He don't want nobody around.

Yeah, but next week
it's Bill's birthday,

and he wanted you to
come to the party.

Yeah, but he's a piece of shit.

And my boyfriend
wants to kill him.


Because I told my boyfriend
Bill was the best lover

I ever had.

And that makes him angry?


He's not the King monkey.



-So what's your name?

Your name's on here?

Nice to meet you Joe.

My name's Coney
Island, and I go around

and I sing songs
of hope for people.

I'd like to sing one for you.

I like that shirt.


You ever go there?






You went to Hawaii?


Hawaii and the Philippines.



All right.


--[SINGING] Down in
the Philippines,

there was a man named Joe.

He got the big banana
and all the women know.

That's why they love Joe.

Oh, that's why they love Joe.

And when he goes
around town, everybody

say, here come big banana Joe.

There was a man named Joe.

There was a man named Joe.

He got the big banana
and all the women know.

That's why they love Joe.

Oh, that's why they love Joe.

He got the big
banana, and everybody

knows he got the big
banana, and everybody knows.

That's why they love Joe.

Daddy Bill, why did you
and mom get divorced?

I hate to tell you the truth.

Do you want the truth
or do want the bullshit?

I want the truth, of course.

Well, you know, I've got
to get serious, you know.

You know I like to have fun.

I'm not a serious person.

But if you really want to
fucking know, I'll tell you.

But it'll be as true as
ever and it might hurt you.

Tell me.

I want to know.

Well, you mother, who
is very dear to my heart,

liked black men better than me.

And what you are,
son, is a tar baby.

Do you understand
what a tar baby is?


That means that your
mama liked black dick.

And you were a result
of that, and I've

had to raise you and
feed you as my own son,

because I was too
embarrassed to tell anybody

that you was a tar baby.

But that's what you are.

But you're still my
son, because you're

a product of the
environment that I lived in.

You're not mine.

Mind you, now I could
teach you some things,

even if you are a tar baby.

Does that hurt you, son?

You thought I was
your daddy, huh?

Well, I ain't your
fucking daddy.

I ain't ever going to be.

Your daddy is blacker than
the goddamn sock I'm wearing.

Your mama like the nigger dick.

Your mama like to
fuck those dicks.

They're long as they
were big and black

like a big nigger dick.

Oh, your mama liked
the nigger dick.

This is my girlfriend, Rhonda.

I met her at a
Grateful Dead concert.

She works at a coffee shop.

We come to this park every
weekend so I can play.

I'm riding the bull, honey.


I'm riding the bull, honey.

Come on.

Let's go.

I want to get outta here.

Come on, Rhonda.

Can't we just stay
a little bit longer?

I want to go on
the slides again.

I don't want to go.

I'm angry with you.


Because I work all
day, and you don't.

I work.

I mean, I sing songs of
hope for the old people.

That don't pay shit.

Don't you dare say that.

When I see their faces light
up and the enjoyment they're

getting, I mean, I
change their lives,

even if it's just
for five minutes.

And I'll tell you, that's
enough payment for me.

I guess we're done.

I need to stop by the store and
get some of those little things

with canned tuna
with the crackers.

Since you're going to
be gone today at work,

I want to have a little
something to eat.



Dwight, I know you've
been feeling down lately.

I'm going to pick
you up with a song.

[SINGING] Hey, Dwight.

Where the hell we
gonna go tonight?

We're gonna dance until
the morning light,

until the sun is shining bright.

And when the sun
is up, it's gonna

fill, fill, fill up
your cup with some

of that morning light.

Hey Dwight.

Do I hear Dwight?

Hey Dwight.

Where the hell we
gonna go tonight?

We're gonna dance until
the morning light,

until the sun is shining bright.

And when the sun
is up, it's gonna

fill, fill, fill up
your cup with some

of that morning light.
Hey Dwight.

Oh, Dwight.

Where we gonna go tonight?

I'll play one more song here.



We're going to funk it up.


We're going to funk it up.


We're going to funk it up.

We're going to funk it up.

We're going to funk it up.

We're going to funk it up.

Funk it up.


Funk it up.

We're gonna funk it up.

We're gonna funk it up.

We're gonna funk it up.

We're gonna funk it up.

We're going to funk it up.

We're gonna funk it up.

We're gonna funk it up.
We're going to funk it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

Gonna fuck it up.

Gonna fuck it up.

We're gonna fuck it up.

What do you come for?

Some fucking advice
about how to fuck?

Oh, my god.

You come to a fucking
expert, number one.

That's all I've been
doing all my life.

I've had three fucking
wives, fives fucking kids.

You're just one of five.

Now, you want to
know how to fuck?

The first thing
you're going to do

if you want to get
a little romance--

the fucking comes later.

First, you have to have the
prearranged kind of shit

that you lover prearrange.

I love you.

They all like to hear this shit.

If you're on a
fucking bed, right?

You're going to stroke her,
tell her, pet her head and shit.

You've got to play
up with this shit.

And tell her, you know what?

You're the only woman
I've ever been with that

made me feel this way.

Not the only woman you've
only been with but that

made me feel this way.

I feel like, you know,
you're something special.

And, you know, I just
can't get close to you,

I can't do it because
you're so special.

But, you know, in the back
of your mind you're saying,

I want to go for this.

I know she's fucking
what I see here see.

And the next you say,
listen to me darling.

I'm going to take
you someplace you've

never fucking been before.

What's that?

I'm going to take you on a trip.

I'm going to take you so
fucking high, baby, with sex

that you'll never come down.

Just whisper it.

Don't be like me, holler shit.

Whisper it, like rub and shit.

And the next thing you
know, you get on that bitch

and you pound her fucking pussy.

And then, you know what?

You turn her over,
give her a little more.

And then you say,
you're part of me.

That's why I've just fucked
in the fucking [INAUDIBLE].

I want you to know
you belong to me.

Not anybody else.

You're mine now.

Everybody fucks, but when I
fuck you this way, you're mine.

And see, now she's got it,
you're-- I belong to this man.

The next thing you know, the
bitch is walking behind you,

paying for your drinks.

And she can't get you
back in the fucking sack.

What you don't know is I know
about women and what they want

and how to treat them.

I decided that there are
two things I like to do.

One is have fun and the
other one is to fuck.

And to do those things, I have
to make some money, you know,

of course.

Which you don't do.

You got lousy fucking
$10 in your pocket.

Come over here and
want to fuck my girl.

You got $10?

You couldn't do it if
you had fucking $100.

But I'll tell you
how to do it, and it

won't cost you a fucking dime.

I promise that every time I get
my girlfriend into our bedroom,

I just don't-- I'm
afraid to talk to her

about sexual type things.

Well, you know what you do.

Go in the to bathroom and wash
up your fucking underwear.


You know, you and I could go
out swimming in a fucking pool

and I want to fuck these people.

They don't like it.

But when you get to the
point, you know, come on.

You know, go baby.


I got something important.

Come on.

You know, like this.

Shake it.

You know.

It's like the bitch.

She's shaking her ass all the
time you're looking at it.

How many guys are looking at
your girl shaking her ass?


So let them look at you.
-Like this.

You're shaking a fucking
dick at the bitch.

Here, I got something for you.

So I go in the room and I said,
hey, I got something for you.

When you're fucking
ready, honey.

But I want to do a
few things for you

that will make you comfortable.

I'm not one of these
fucking guys that say,

get on the fucking bed
and fuck you and walk out.

We're going to spend
some time together.

So well, I try to make her
comfortable every night.

I make her like her favorite--
she likes the flavored coffee,

and I make that for her.

And I put about--
-Don't kiss her ass.

Now you're kissing her ass.

You're-- now see?

I teach you all this shit.

Don't make her fucking coffee.

Tell the bitch, you
get outta fucking bed

and make me some coffee.

I just give you what you needed.

I need a cup of coffee.

And they go all over
that fucking wonder dust

all over the fucking
table in there, you know.

And you take a hit
yourself and you

get your ass back over here.

And call up and order
me a fucking pizza.

I want to relax for a minute.


You're the fucking
one getting the thing.

I'm not.

I'm servicing you.

You got to make the
bitch understand that.

Daddy, but listen up.

My biggest thing is like once
I put my penis in her vagina,

it's like I don't want
to hurt her, you know?

Fuck her.
Tell her I'm going to hurt you.

If you don't fucking take it
right, I'll flip you over.

So you don't-- like how do you
do it once you get-- once you

put the penis in the vagina?

The first thing is, you
know, I love to take them,

put them over the fucking bed.

And spread their legs
and get them down so

you can grab their head
like this and stick it

her pussy from behind.

That way you feel
the ass right here.


And it feels bitchin' and
you got that dick in her.

And you jerk them off
like you were jerking off.


Come on, baby.

And then you get off, see?


But you're careful, you know.

You're careful.

So you get her from
behind like this?

Get her from behind
over the bed.

They love it that way.

And then you just
go like that, right?


You're [INAUDIBLE] you know,
you're not into just anal sex.

Well, you know, I suppose
you're not really--

and then, you know
what you tell her?

You kick her back on
the bed because she's

already like, oh, oh, ah.

Show me how you
do it, daddy Bill.

Over the fucking bed, right?


Put the fucking hands
on the fucking shoulders,

push her head right
down into the bed.


And get her legs apart
and fuck her like this,

right on the edge of the bed.

Give her a good fucking.

And when she starts
screaming-- oo,

oo, ah, oo, that kind of shit,
you say, oh I got her, man.

And then you know what you do?

You take it back by the bed,
like this, get pillows here.

Come here, bitch.

It's time to do
a little sucking.

I don't know if I do
that to her, though.


They all-- every fucking
woman wants to suck dick.

You wont' let her
suck your dick,

she'll never come back
and see you again.

Might as well say bye.

If she's good, let
her suck your dick.

If you don't want to see, tell
her to hit the fucking bricks.

You fucking women,
you're know what you are?

Tell her.

You're like a grain of
sand on a fucking beach.

How many millions of
grains of sand are there?

That's what you are to me.

Fuck you.


If you don't to do what I
tell you, then suck my dick.

We got the bitch, right?


Get your ass in
here, like this, see?

So you got some driving power.


Go pump the bitch,
and hold her head down.

She's going oo ah oo.

Now she's going to
love it, though see?


Go, man.

Now you got.

You got it.

Did you watch
any TV last night?


What did you see?

Oh, I saw some guy stick his
head up an elephant's ass.


Hello, Sparky.

You give me that beer, and
I'll tell you the news.

Thank you.

Ruth, I'm asking you to
be my common law wife.

I'm down.

Ruth, you ever have any
fantasies about other men?



Hirschel Bernardi.

Whose place is this, man?

You know, actually it's
none of your fucking

whose fucking place is this.

It ain't fucking mine.

You know what?

Yeah, but it looks
like some fucking--

It belongs to a
cop that I know.

She's a fucking whore.

And what's she do for a living?

I don't care what she does.

Well, how can
afford this place?

She's got more fucking
money than I do.

Are you just fucking her
and sleeping here or what?


Free, yeah.

That's how you do it.

I'm not going pay shit.

-You're paid for it.

I get a free place to stay.

I give her a little dick.

Well, how come you're
not at your place?

They're fumigating the
cocksucker over there.

Getting rid of the cockroaches
and fucking rats mice

and shit in the fucking place.

And a bunch of whores living
upstairs and downstairs.

Yeah, I know.

When I went in the
bathroom the last time,

I turned on the light,
and they were fucking

running for their lives.

Trails everywhere.

All fucking night those
cocksuckers are running

around the walls and shit.

You think I want to stay there?

They're fumigating.

You see that fucking tent?

That's what they
got it up there for,

to get rid of the cockroaches.

I like to eat roaches.

Yeah, you old nut.

You'd eat anything--
bugs, spiders.

I'll bet you eat
dick, you motherfucker.

Yeah, like that weirdo on
the old Dracula movies where--

Yeah, I'll tell you
a little something

that you don't fucking know.

I read so many fucking Louis
L'Amour stories-- you know,

cowboy stories-- I'm walking
around with cowboy boots

and fucking-- I take
a fucking Tom Mix.

I'm wearing the fucking
books around here.

I also wear the fucking pants.

I shit you though.

Every once in a while, I
get a fucking idea, man,

that I'm 6 foot 4 and
narrow at the fucking waist

and broad fucking shoulders.

I got two guns tied
down, and I'm going

to blow your fucking head off.

I wish somebody-- I think
I'm John Wayne sometimes.

Yeah, being a cowboy
really sucks shit, huh?

You don't know fucking
John Wayne, do you?

I like eating crickets.

You fucking nut.

I saw you down there, you
know, digging for clams.

Yeah, you like to do drugs.

That's probably
why you're screwy.

Your drunk genes.

Fucking nut.

How many goddamn drunks
you seen fucking a whore?

A lot.

Mostly drunks.

When you got a fucking drunk
that's trying to find a whore,

their balls drop.

You know when your balls
raise up like that,

they get tight
against your dick?

Yeah, cold water.

No, that's a good fuck.

When you're drunk and on
alcohol, your balls drop.

Well, I never
measured them to see.

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, I like to eat roaches.


You old nut.

You'd eat anything--
bugs, spiders.

I bet you eat dick,
you motherfucker.

Like that weirdo on the
old Dracula movies, where--

I've got to call Coney Island.

It's ripping me apart, but I
got to call Coney and tell him

his old lady's got Alzheimer's.

I just seen her last
week, and she was fine.

It comes on quick.

And you get fucking
screwy or what?

I don't know what
the fuck is going--

Alzheimer's sucks shit, huh?

Yeah, all the time.

You fucking lose your memory,
you get fucking squirrely.

-Whacked out.

How do you know so fucking
much about Alzheimer's?

Act like your wife.

-You a fucking doctor?

Fucking P-- or what his name?

Ronald Reagan had it.

Had it?

He's got it.

Well, I don't know
if he's dead or not.

Chuck, get up and fuck that
beer can like you normally do.


You mean like this?

All right, yeah.

Woo hoo hoo woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo hoo hoo woo hoo hoo.

-You want a fucking beer?
-No, I still got--

You never buy-- you know what?

If you don't buy
no fucking beer,

you can't drink no fucking beer.

Give me that fucking beer and
get the fuck out of there, man.

-All right, man.
-Get out.

You don't buy no beer,
you don't drink no beer.

Ruthie, can you
remember when we

was kids how we used to
make snow angels in the snow

all the time?


I went to the store and I
bough a lot of crazy stuff.

And there was people,
you wouldn't believe what

they were buying over there.

They bought all
kinds of goofy stuff.

But I didn't like
what they were buying.

And I bought some crackers
and stuff like that,

but they bought stuff it
wasn't any good at all.

And people come in--

You can't remember
playing in the snow

and making angels
and snow balls?

No, I don't remember no snow.

Can I get you a glass
of water, Ruthie?

Yeah, I like the water.


I'll be right back.

You wouldn't believe people
buying stuff in there.


I don't like to be like this.

It's so awful to be
when you don't remember.

Maybe I'll remember.

I just don't like being alone.

I don't want to go to one
of those places either.

Not very good.

I don't have any ice cubes in
your water, just plain water.

That's all right.

Because I don't
like real cold water.

Put on a record.

Put on a record.

What would you like to hear?

Just put on a record.




Road runner, road
runner, road runner.

Road runner, road runner,
road runner, road runner.

Road runner, road
runner, road runner.

Road runner, road
runner, road runner.

Road runner, road
runner, road runner.

You know, these
bastards want to send me

to the drunk driving program,
because I'm an alcoholic,

they say.

But they're full of shit.

I ain't no fucking alcoholic.

I drink maybe 12,
20 beers a day.

I don't use any hard
alcohol, just beer shit.

And they counted
me an alcoholic.

They're full of shit.

I drink for fucking

It's the same as fucking.

People fuck for
entertainment, don't they?

They go to the
theater, watch movies.

Some assholes even go play golf.

That's their entertainment.

Some people shoot guns
for entertainment.

I drink for my entertainment.

And they want to
call me an alcoholic

and say I got a disease?

They're full of shit.

I can quit any fucking
time I want to.

You know what a condom is?

You've been using them.

There's only-- yes or no.

I haven't been using them.

I don't I've used one.

Well, I'm going to tell
you start using them.

And I don't have a
condom, because I

don't use the motherfuckers.

At my age, I don't give a shit.

I ain't got that much
further to go anyway.

But this right here,
we're going to-- yeah,

I know this is-- unless you
got five dicks, this ain't

no condom, but what's
going to happen

is it's going to look
like one, and I'm going

to show you how to do this.

Now, I got a beer bottle.

We'll pretend this is
a big old fat dick.

Well, a dick is a dick.

Now I got the condom, see.

But what you want
to do is you're

going to roll these back, see.

Like this.

See, you get them up here.

And you get it down
tight on the end,

and then you just kinds
stretch her on down

and make goddamn
sure that it gets

all the way down to the bottom.

And then-- now you're
ready to go, man.

And from now on, you start
using these motherfuckers.

At your age, you gotta
be a little more careful.

My age, I don't give a fuck.

So I don't use
the motherfuckers.

But do you understand
how to use it?

That's what they
call a reservoir.

You got the condom on,
right, and you got the bitch.

Just imagine you got it, OK?

You grab the bitch by the
goddamn ass, hand on her side

and ram that fucker in.

And you get her--


Hush a bye baby,
don't say a word.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Uh, no.

Can you get me
something to drink?

I can give you water or coffee.

That isn't what I said.

What the hell.

When I say something
to drink, I mean

something with alcohol in it.

-No, sir.
-You don't do that?

I don't do that.
I never had a drink in my life.

Well, you know what?

You're a better woman
than I am a man.

Well, I drink once in a while.

I have to tell you, I do.

I don't drink very
well, honey, but there's

something I'd like to ask you.


I have a heart, because
I love this woman.

And she's a neighbor of yours.

And what I'd like to do
for you is, you know,

I could help you financially.

And I want you to take care of
her, because I love her a lot.

I know she's screwing
around with black people,

which I don't like.

But that's not my business.

She's not my wife no more.

I don't know.

You probably don't know
who I'm talking about.


She's a neighbor of yours,
and she's no neighbor of mine.

She's an ex-wife of mine.

But her name is Ruth.

She just lives down the street.

Oh, Ruthie, yeah.

Yeah, well, she's an ex-wife.

You didn't know that.

We don't want
nobody to know it.

She's running around
with black people.

I wouldn't want anybody to know
I was married to the bitch.

Excuse me.

You remind me a
lot of my husband.

He was an alcoholic, but he
was also a professional dancer.

Would you put a record
on and do a dance for me?

In a heartbeat.


You ever fuck a fat girl?


You ever think about it?

I thought and it.

I never did either
but, you know,

but I thought about it one
day, and I ran into one

and it was beautiful.

Her face-- Sophia Loren
wouldn't look that good.

Rachel Welch would be
below her looks-wise.

But what I'm going to do is I'm
going to pack my beak with some

of that fucking wonder dust.

You know what that is?

It's pure cocaine.

And what' I'm going
to do is pack my beak,

and I'm going to practice some
dance steps so I can get, you

know, a little hip
on there and go

pick me up some bitches
tonight at the fucking bar.

What is this shit--
outta the fucking way.


How do you want me to fuck her?

How long?

But you see what that
once in a while-- so

you get a little tighter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't fucking know
what's happening to them.

But they like it in the ass.

I'm going to tell you
a little something

that you don't fucking know.

So I'm going to go
from here, and then

we'll go to this other
shit that, I mean,

you need to know it.

First, you get your
cock sucked, and

all these bitches will do that.

And then you tell them
you want a ball bath.

You know what a ball bath is?

No, I've never heard of it.

You tell that bitch to
lick your fucking nuts.

And that's what a
ball bath's all about.

What the hell did you bring
a guitar over here for?

I got this course on TV
I'm-- I got the guitar for.

I'm learning how
to play songs with.

Check it out.

I think I'm a guitar player now.

You stupid motherfucker.

He ha ha ha.

I want to kill.
I want to kill.

Ha ha ha ha.
I want to kill.

I want to kill.

I want to kill.

I want to kill.

I want to kill.

I want to kill.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I want to kill.

I want to kill.

Ha ha.

I went to the store,
and I was buying stuff,

and there was all kinds
of weird people in there,

and they were buying this
stuff and everything.

And you know, I was
beginning to be-- I was lost.

I couldn't find
my way back home.

Ruthie, don't you
remember how we

used to play when we were kids?

We would play like we was
lost just to be playing.

I don't remember.

-Yeah, we used to play all--

You hit me.
You hit me.

I never hit you in
your entire life.

You always hit me.

I never hit you.

I got you a present.

Oh, that's nice.




Now we gonna listen
to some Steppenwolf.


This is Mike and Glenda.

They used to live in Dallas.

Mike was a friend of the family.

He drove my mom to the
hospital when she was in labor.

He was a basketball coach.

Now he's a rummy with
high blood pressure.

His wife wanted to be
a woman sumo wrestler,

but she's not Japanese.

I think they should change that.

If you're obese, you can be
a sumo wrestler, no matter

what nationality you are.


That was a lot of fun.

You want to go back in?

Yeah, let's go back inside.

I know you told me never to
come over here again, mom,

but I just feel
really bad today.

My girlfriend left me for good.


It's because Bill
came over there

and started hitting on her.

She says I come from
a scum ball family.

Mom, are you all right?

Is it your heart?

No, I got a hocker.

You gotta to leave
now, you motherfucker.

-All right.

Thanks for coming to
my birthday party.

Did you bring me any presents?

Hey, I got you this bottle of
hot sauce and an air freshener

so when you take a
shit in the morning.

Thanks a lot.
That's fucking beautiful.

And Billy, hey, check it out.

I bought you your
best thing, man.


Oh, wow, man.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

Man, that's beautiful.

That's great.

And here.

I brought you a bag of
chips so in case you

get hungry in the night,
you can have a snack.

This is fucking beautiful.
Thank you so much.

You're very welcome.


Happy birthday, Bill.


Oh, yeah.

What a fucking party, man.


Let's see those tits.

Yeah, well, you can
come up with a birthday

party like this.

Fucking A, Billy.

Way to go, man.

Hey, bro.

Glad you're out of jail.

Let me get this fucking
place moving again.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's still fine, huh?

Hey, you see boots?

I see her.

I don't know for how long.


High five.



You want a light?


Thank you, sweetie.


I'm coming out
there to dance, baby.


-Oh, let's get it down.
-Happy birthday.


You not getting those
taller there, Bill.


Go for it, party man.
-Come on, man.

Where's the other one?


Hey, party hearty.


Hey, my socks are
getting cleaned.

I'm fucking just
sweating, you know?

Wash the toe grime off.

Yeah, you get to see it.

I get to see it.

If you can make up your mind.


I should have brought that
fucking-- hey, I'm going first,

and you're on deck, and you're
[INAUDIBLE] up the dick.

You got a problem with that?

What do you think?

Well, you know
I've gotta be first.

-Oh, baby.

Get with it.
Get with it.

It's good, isn't it?

Ram that.

-She likes it hard.

Give it to her.

Ah, yeah.

-Woo, woo.



You get off before I do.

-All right.

All right, you're up, bro.



-Oh, yeah.
-All right.

My turn.

Hey, baby.

All right, spread them cheeks.

Come on, baby.

I want a good ride here.



Happy birthday, Bill.


BOTH: Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh.


BOTH: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.


Hell, this is a
party, goddamn it.

Let's give her the party.


Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Fucking filthy.

Oh, I want to see this.

Oh, oh, oh, oo, oo, oo, oo, oo.



Ah, it's good.

Ah, yeah.

BOTH: Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yeah, Wolfman.


Oh, yeah.

Oh, it feels good.

Keep it up, like that.


Oh, yeah.

Feels good.

Don't stop.
Keep it going.


I wish I had a camera, man.



I wish I had a camera.

Ah, you're next.

I wish I had a camera, man.

I'll tell you what.

This is the best fucking
birthday party I've ever had,

You made the fucking whole gig.

Anything for you.

Let's make a [INAUDIBLE] line.
Come on.


Fight, fight.

Nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger's ass.

Fight, fight,
nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger's ass.

Fight, fight,
nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger's ass.

Fight, fight,
nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger white.

Fight nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger's ass.

ALL: Fight, nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger's ass.

Fight, fight,
nigger and a white.

Beat that nigger's ass.

Come on, man.

Hurry up.

I gotta shit really bad.
-Shit, man.

Wait until the time
for you to shit.

It stinks in here.
-Fuck you.

I'll shit in the sink.

Oh, boy.



Hey, I told you I was
going to shit in the sink.

-And you made it happen.

You motherfucker.

Did you do that?

I had to.

He won't get out of the shitter.

There ain't fucking reason
for that, you motherfucker.

Well, how are we
going to get it down?

I'll stomp it
down with my foot.

Oh, fuck.

Get away from there.

I told you I'd stop it down.


Hot dogs, hot dogs here.

Get your hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

You know, I always do like a
man with a glass in his hand.

You know, you're
really wonderful, honey.


I really mean it from
the bottom of my heart.

You probably heard
that shit before, huh?

Yeah, but you say it so nicely.

Just blow on my neck a little.

The night was dark,
the sky was blue.

And around the corner,
the shit wagon flew.

The lights went out,
and a scream was heard.

And the cop was hit
with a flying turd.


No toilet paper.

Oh, man.

Man, I gotta fuckin' piss.

I'm too tired.

Why don't you fucking
tell somebody who cares.

Well, I don't.

Look at that.


No class, dude.

You gotta go, you gotta go.

Kidney relief.

[INAUDIBLE] week of my life.

Oh, man.

Fuck you guys.

I pissed where I want.

This is my fucking world.

Listen, I'm going to go first,
and then one by one you guys

follow me out, OK?

-Yeah, saying we'll be right.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Grandpa grip.

Probably like
you, just a prick.

Had a good day, huh.


Hey, guys.

I'm going to grab some beer, OK?
-Oh, yeah.

We need more.
We're almost out.

Yeah, you're right man.

I'll be right back.

Well, you better hurry up.

I better go too
and get some ice.

I'll be right back.

Well, where in the
hell am I going?

I'm leaving too.

Gotta get some cigarettes.
I'll be back.

All right.

-Will you be here?
-I'll be here.

All right.

She got our
donation of the week.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hot dogs.

Hot dogs here.

Get yer hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

I stopped by to
say goodbye, mama.

My bus leaves in half an hour.

I'm leaving town.

I got something for you.

This is the tape dad shot
of you giving birth to me.

I don't want it.


I want to forget that shit.

All right.
Give me a hug, mama.


How's that?

Yeah, I just came in
from Dallas, Texas, man.

I'm glad I found this place.

So I just make my Traveler's
Cheque out the Galveston

Youth Hostel for $10, right?

Yeah, there's a
bathroom down the hall.

So what do you do
besides run the hostel?

I remove dead coyotes
off the highway.

So when you get a
flat one, you got

to do a piece of shovel work.

Smells good, Walter.

Hold on.
We're going to say grace.

We thank you for this
fine roof over our heads

and this fine coyote
shlong that we're

going to take into our bodies.

Oh, let's play a
little fris, man.

All right I'll get
the paper plate.


I left town to kinda
just air my head

out and deal with some issues.

Like what?

Well, I'm an epileptic, so
sometimes I have seizures

and it appears like I'm
drunk, but I'm really not.

You all right, man?

I'm fucking with you, man.

It's a joke.


Yeah, so I'm splitting
town today, Walter.

Well, it was nice having you.

You want to purchase
a little luck?


-A little crack-a-rooskie.
-Oh, no.

I better save my bucks, man.


Well, listen.

I'm going to go pack my
bags, get my shit together.

All right.

Hey, old dude.

Do you know anything
about spark plugs?

Get in the car, motherfucker.

I'll rip your back open.

You know what a choke
chain is for motherfucker?

I'm going to rip your
dick and balls off.

Oh, man.

It's going to rip this
motherfucker right off.



Oh, ha ha ha.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That little fucker was
fucking my old lady,

and I just got even with him.

Right on, bro.

God, I love a pony.

Oh, that's such a nice horse.

God, I love a pony.

Hey, man.
Can you give me a ride?

Where you going?

-Just this way.

Get in the back, though.

I got a bunch of shit
in the front seat.

Thanks, man.


Do you want a date?

Yeah, I might just
to suck my corn cob.


Hop in.

God, you're a beautiful bitch.

Hey, you motherfucker.

You remember me?

Look at me, goddamn it.
You remember me?

I'm going to kill
you, motherfucker.

You remember me?


Take a good fucking look.

Now you remember me,
don't you motherfucker?

Listen to me, motherfucker.

Now you remember me
good, because it's

the last-- you want to call your
old lady and tell her goodbye?


It might be the last
fucking you're going to do,


You ain't tearing
nobody else's dick off.

You know, I-- I left town,
guys, because I didn't

think that you wanted me.

But now I see that I'm really
truly loved by you guys.

And you don't what
that-- you don't

know what that means to me.

I can't believe it, but
we're a family again.

Come on.

Do a little fart for
us, Coney Island.

All right.

I love you guys.

I love you guys so much.

You're the best family
a boy could have.

And I got a little
celebration present for us.

I got us a brand-new--
a brand-new

bottle of peanut butter.

We're all going to enjoy this.

You know, no one would believe
that we'd be together again.

Mama Ruth, I want you
to have the first bite.

Here you go, Ruthie.

You have the first bite.

All right.

Now, you have a bite, Billy.

Now I have a bite.

I'm loved again.

I love you so much, mama Bill.

You'll always be my baby.

I love you, daddy Ruth.

We love you, Coney Island.

We've missed not
having you home.

You love me, mama Bill.

More than you'll ever know.

Do you love me, daddy Ruth?

I love you very
much, Coney Island.

God, we missed you so.

-So happy.
-We're happy.

We're happy again, son.

We'll be a family
to the end, huh?


Forever and ever.

Hey, let's all go to
the park and jump rope.


Well, that's my story.

Dallas, Texas, 1988.

Change your life, baby.

Homeless gang bangs.

A family falling apart.

Love brings them back together.

We jump rope.

I'll see you.

Thanks for watching.