Toto vs the Four (1963) - full transcript

Here we go!

(SARRACINO WHISTLE)

Damn! What wretches!
They stole my car!

- Was it a red car?
- Yes. Did you see the thieves?

- No, the car. I parked there.
- What are the guards doing ?!

Neither day nor night guards pass this road !

They only think about making fines!

- They'll find it anyway.
- Yes, without wheels, battery and radio!

- If I catch those delinquents ...
- "Put salt on their tail"?

- I take them without salt! -
Immediately report the theft to the inspector !

I am the commissioner!



The
inspector got his car screwed!

- Have you ever been a steward?
- Sir. What should I do?

No one should enter the commissioner
without first being announced.

Answer "Commands" when he calls you.

(stammering) I'm newly appointed,
first day on duty ...

Mamma Mia...

- Is the Commissioner good?
- It depends.

If he slept well, he
is a good person. There he is.

- Goodmorning doctor.
- Goodmorning doctor.

- Well, he looks calm.
- (Sarracino) On Saturday!

He slept badly.
Come, let me introduce you.

(Sarracino) Come on!

- Called?
- No!

- Strange, I heard ...
- Then why are you asking me ?!



We get lost in chatter while
thieves steal cars undisturbed.

- Resurgence. - Who is it? - Agent
Pappalardo, recently appointed.

- What did you say?
- (stammering) Recrudescence.

- Do you have asthma? - No, he's a stutterer.
- And they send him here to me?

- There must be this
upsurge, understand ?! - Yes, sir!

(PAPPALARDO ASPIRA) Do you
have a vacuum cleaner in your mouth?

- Talk to the sucker.
- You don't have to. Don't suck!

- We must watch! Especially
the cars! - That's a word ...

- If they put them in the garage they
would n't steal them. - Do not talk to me about it!

Instead they are "lousy",
they want to save!

"Lousy" will be you, understand ?!

I leave the car in the street
because the garage is far away!

(PAPPALARDO ASPIRA)
Shut up, please!

- I didn't say to you, who would dare
steal your car? - They stole it from me.

- Even the little cap behind?
- Yup!

- I demand that you find it again intact,
without a scratch! - We will do it!

Call the traffic
police, police stations, firefighters!

Call the road, block
roads, highways, borders!

- Shall we declare war?
- Yes, to the car "rats"!

Bring them here, I want
to face them one by one!

(SARRACINO GEME)
Who took that thing?

Go get that thing in my
chair. They are pains, I pity you.

- Do you suffer from it too? - Yes, that's
why I took the liberty of using it.

- You don't have to, mine is personal,
I care. - Here it is.

- I had it made to measure.
- That's why I wasn't there.

Done! Life takes on
a completely different aspect!

By the way, he sent to pick up
that package of mine at customs ...

- The package with suppositories? - Yes.
- I sent an agent. - Good boy.

- Let's see the news.
- Here they are.

Harassing drunkenness, a
contravention of the pass , ...

..a brawl with insults
and beatings in via ... "Biscio" ...

"Biscio"? Is there
a street in our neighborhood called "Biscio"?

- I don't know. He wrote it.
- I can? - One moment.

(stammering) It is the first
street of via Garibaldi.

- You write Bixio, Nino Bixio!
- Exactly.

I'll do it for you!
Bixio is spelled with "X"!

- (stammering) Like the ticket ...
- Don't vacuum!

- Please don't let him talk!
- Be quiet!

- Commissioner! - Where you go?!
- President of the Republic!

There is no one here,
we are abandoned!

- (stammering) This is the
police station! - This stammers ...

- Would you like to speak to the inspector?
- Where is it? - In his room. - Good.

- Where you go? - From the inspector!
- That's not his room!

- And which?! - Calm down!
- How can I do? They want to kill me!

- Then talk to the sergeant.
- What's up?

- Are you the sergeant?
- Yes, on Saturday.

I can't wait until Saturday.

- That's my surname! What's up?
- Nothing. - So why are you here?

They want to kill me!
Premeditated murder!

- Calm down. - If I think about it ...
- Come on, let's go to the inspector.

- I'm in a sweat.
- Do you want to enter with the animal?

- You said: "Come".
- Put it there. - No!

- Let's entrust it to him.
- To him?

- Then he doesn't speak to me anymore, I need him
to have a clean tongue. - Up...

One moment. Gennarino?
He is confused, he no longer understands anything.

Don't forget what you told me,
I need you as a witness!

- (parrot) Witness!
- Exactly. Here we go.

- Who's here? - As? - Whose
lair is it, who is "waiting" for us ?!

Attack? Here is the commissioner!

- What does it take to knock?
- I'll knock. - Take off your hat!

- Remove yours! - They want to
kill me , I do n't take my hat off!

- Say: "Permission".
- Permission? - Forward.

- You say so?
- I heard it. - Not me!

What happens?!
This is not a tavern! On Saturday!

Who screams ?! On Saturday!

(CONFUSED SCREAM)

- The gentleman is here on a complaint.
- Did you search it? - No.

Is it registered? Fingerprints?
Is it a repeat offender? Is he a fugitive? Who is it?!

- It's an emergency!
- This is a murder!

- And bring it to me without handcuffs?
- But for heaven's sake! - Murderer!

- You want to get me killed in handcuffs?
- Who kills you?

- They want to kill me!
Take off the handcuffs! - He doesn't have them!

- They want to kill her? - Yup!
- I'm happy! - Oh yes?

"Invites me to the wedding",
I discover the killers!

- I'm glad, that's why I'm here.
- Do not move.

On Saturday, he seems like a weird guy,
keep an eye on him.

If I call you, hit him
on the head and shut him up.

- I heard! - It's not about her!
- Now are you listening to me?

- Are you sure they want to kill her?
Slander is a crime. - I swear!

- Who wants to kill her?
- The vet! - Oh yes?

After I gave him the car,
the apartment, ...

.. bank account,
furs, clothes, jewels!

- To the vet? - And why?
- I see. These are weirdos.

Instead of being treated by a doctor,
they are treated by the vet, ...

..to which they then give gifts.

- Did you take me for a beast?
- Only one beast goes to the vet.

- But I didn't give them to the vet!
- And to whom?

To that traitor of my wife!

- It is not clear.
- I gave her everything she wanted!

- If he wanted a diamond ashtray
I would get it. - Really?

"I want the gold cigarette case
studded with rubies", ...

..and I took it from him!

- "I want the gold lighter" ...
Is it gold? - Yup.

- I brought it to her and she
took it! - And she put it down!

On a Saturday, this is a kleptomaniac,
keep an eye on him. He is a rogue.

- I heard. - Sitting! What does he do?!
- He said: "He's a rogue"!

- These are things that don't concern you.
- Then listen to me.

- "I want the three-headed bird",
and I brought it to him. - Three-headed?

"I want the monkey",
and I brought it to him.

- "I want the rare beast",
and I brought it to him. - Doctor!

It's an example, don't get angry.
Are you a rare beast? No!

- My house had become a zoo,
and do you know why? - No.

Because she needed an excuse to
take a beast to the vet!

Look, "let's get to the core".

- Where is it? - Thing?
- The core.

"Let's get to the core", don't make me
angry, I'm busy!

Me too, they want to
kill me ! Let's get to the fact!

- Let's get to the fact!
- But how much this speaks!

- Let him talk. - Must he?
- He's my right arm!

(crying) This morning my wife
went out with the trivial excuse ...

..to take the dog to
the vet.

- Don't cry. Repeat, I don't understand.
- My heart is in my mouth. - Repeat!

This morning my wife
went out with the trivial excuse ...

..to take the dog to
the vet.

There are! Did you understand
what the wife did?

- You are a wretch, an unhappy one!
- What did you know?

The wife went out with the
banana excuse and took her to the vet.

- The little gift ... - Did he bring ...?
- What, are you bringing him a banana?

Who knows why he brought it to him!
How many things I don't know!

- Women are "occult"!
- Wretched!

- My wife went out
with the banana this morning ... - Yes, with the banana.

- Who said "banana" ?!
- She said so. - No, him!

- it ?! No, he said it!
- He's not deaf!

Prefect! Federal!
In short, as you say ...

- I'm a commissioner, do not offend.
- I want to talk face to face!

- Is this an official request?
- Yes, sir! - I welcome it.

- On a Saturday, come here. He first
said ... - He said "banana"!

I heard it too,
but now retracted.

- Retract the banana?
- Get ready for the blow to the head.

Look, maybe we have proof that your
wife is cheating on you: the banana.

- Here we go again! - But the proof that
they want to kill her, who can give it to us ?!

Gennarino said to me:
(with a sharp tone) "They'll kill you!"

- Who is Gennarino?
- The key witness!

- Send for him now!
- He's here, I took him with me.

- Bring him here!
- Yup!

But don't give him a "
third degree" interrogation , because he won't hold up.

Now teach me
how to question ?!

- To make him talk, you have to give him
a scratch on the head. - it ?!

If he doesn't speak,
you have to do it on the belly.

In front, however, I know he is moved
and does the bisognini in hand.

- To me? To the commissioner? - Yes.
- Who is this "stinker" ?!

- Gennarino, my parrot.
- And should I question him ?!

But does she have pine cones on her head ?!
On a Saturday, kick him out!

- Doctor! - On Saturday!
- Let me take Gennarino!

- (parrot) Horned! - Put it
in the record, he said "cuckold"!

- Away!
- (parrot) Horned!

There is no freedom and no democracy!
We are abandoned! Long live the people!

Should I question a parrot?
What world do we live in?

(PHONE RINGS)

Ready? Commissioner Sarracino!

Commissioner, are you in person?
I am Commendator Lancetti.

He should come to me right away,
I got a threatening letter.

Via Turati 25. Please come,
this is a death threat.

(SIREN)

- Calm down, Philip.
- Everything works out.

- Believe? - Just pay.
- Sure, just pay!

It's easy for him,
the money is mine.

- He's part of the family.
- I'm your brother-in-law.

Unfortunately.
But I married her, not you.

"He has one foot in the pit"
and thinks about money.

- What are you saying?!
- If you don't pay, that kills you!

- Believe? - You don't remember the one
torn apart because he didn't pay?

Then you tell me to stay calm! But do you
understand that it is 5 million ?!

Do you know in which circle of hell
the misers end up?

Close to that of parasites
like you!

- Don't mistreat this creature.
- What creature? - He!

Ah, him! Poor "coconut"!
(BELL)

- There he is! - It will be the commissioner.
- There is no peace, I'm going to read outside.

- Can I take your Mercedes?
- Go ahead. - My 600 isn't working.

- It never goes. - We have to do it again.
- Of course. - Please, Filippo.

- There he is! - Handcuffs?
- But no! Commendator Lancetti?

- Maybe! I am the brother-in-law.
- Ah well. - It's me Lancetti.

- Thanks for coming. - You are welcome.
- Meet my wife.

- Pleasure. My brigadier.
- Help us. - I'm here for this.

"Lancetti, I know everything about you,
life, death and miracles."

"If you want to avoid a scandal, on Monday
deposit 5 million in banknotes ..."

"..in the basket of the third street lamp
from the left of viale Tiziano."

"One who knows you very well."

- Now that we're alone and the lady ca
n't hear us ... - Say.

- Can you tell us what it's hiding?
- Nothing.

- "Let him who has no sins cast the first
stone." Throw this stone. - Up.

I don't know where to throw it.

My life takes place entirely
between work, home and church.

- During this journey between home
and church ... - And church and home!

- Some adventure ... - No.
- A lover ... - No, no. - Up!

- Commendatore, confess to your
commissioner! - And to the sergeant!

I guarantee you that
I don't even think about women .

- I get it. - Thing? - Nothing.
You understand, this is ... - Yeah.

- What do you mean?
- These things turn out like this.

- He frequented that environment,
but resisted. - What environment?

Then, against his will,
he fell for it.

- Here's another one. - They increase!
- I don't understand, explain!

- We understand each other!
- Ah, now I understand too.

Look, I am an exemplary husband
and an honest worker.

- "He took the wrong road"!
- She was wrong, not us!

I am a construction contractor
and not ...

(TELEPHONE RINGS) It
must be the blackmailer.

- Stop! - Are you answering?
- No, her! I authorize it!

Soon?

(in a nasal voice) It's me, you bastard.
You were wrong to call the police.

There are those who guard your home,
I know everything. Bring the money or I'll kill you!

Okay, I'll do as you say.

- What did he say? - He heard
I called the police. - Good.

He said if I don't go alone
to bring the money, he'll kill me.

- Go there! - What if he kills me? - You
let him, then we will intervene.

- Commissioner ... - You don't understand.
- Let's act first!

- Are you willing to cooperate
with the police? - Yes good!

At work.

- Get down. - I'm sick of
being in here anymore . Is essential?

- He agreed to cooperate, so
cooperate! - Should I do it in here?

- Watch the hole.
- And what do I have to do?

- If you see a suspect, notify me.
- All right. - Down!

- Go slow!
- Down! Holy shit!

- Commissioner! - What's up?
- I see nobody! - Get down!

There's a suspicious guy approaching.

- Where is it?
- Near the lamppost, do you see it?

(Sarracino) Yes, here it is.

- Be indifferent.
- He sees it? - No, I don't see anyone!

- Can't you see it? - No!
- Straighten the hole.

(SARRACINO WHISTLE)
(Lancetti) There he is! I see it well!

- He knows him? - No!
- Then it's a rip off.

- What are you doing here? - Let's fuck.
- Ah, fuck! - Yup.

- Say to fuck! What is that?
- What's this? - That horse thing.

- That's right.
- (Lancetti) The thing about horses is not!

- Who spoke?
- My colleague. - lo!

- Handcuffs?
- Not yet, we don't have proof.

- What are you muttering?
- So? Who is she? What he wants?

- You must do your duty!
- We are doing it!

- I'm a civil servant
. - Oh yes?

- Put that stuff in the bin!
- He's a "mondezzaro"! - Yeah!

- Go! - Can I upload?
- "Mondezzaro" ?! - Yup.

- You will see what trouble I put you
through! - Don't get mad.

- Open up! - Ah! Help!
- Get down!

- Who is that?
- I am Commendator Lancetti!

- Have you seen? - Tell everyone!
- What is this antics ?!

I am a
public safety commissioner on duty!

Because of this gentleman,
a stakeout went wrong!

- Of course, throw that
stuff on me ! - That stuff brings good luck!

- I'd like to see you in my place!
- If he doesn't cooperate, it's all in vain!

- Here we go! - Excuse me!
- Come out! - That's a word!

(Lancetti) Help me!

- Are you here?
- What do we do now?

- We will act on our own.
- Maybe it's better.

- Get
Lancetti's phone under control . - All right.

- Announcements? - You have to go to
customs, that package has been stopped.

- Because?
- Because it's suspicious stuff.

- Who says that? - Inspector
Mastrillo. He seems to be a fussy eater.

- Please, take a seat.
- Thanks.

- Pugs! - Commands, inspector!
- (laughing) Come on, come on.

- You sniff. - As?
- Sniff! - It's perfume.

French! If I didn't notice,
he passed it off as "Bergamo"!

- Did you mean "bergamot"?
- Don't be silly!

We can't open all packages.

I open one every now and then, when I
"sniff"! Nobody fools me!

- Apply the fine.
- Immediately.

Who is this gentleman?
I can't waste time!

- It's Commissioner Sarracino.
- Allows, Commissioner Sarracino.

- Plenty of pleasure. - Very pleased.
- I'm lucky. - Me, me.

- Doctor Mastrillo,
customs inspector . - Very pleased.

- Something wrong? - Yes, you
stopped a package, I don't understand why.

- Who allowed himself?
- That package from Switzerland. - Yup.

- Go get it.
Immediately. - Thank you Doctor.

- It's his? - Yes. - "Short" ...
- Actually I have little time.

- I mean, I'm delighted.
- Ah, "good"! I understood "short".

- Please, take a seat.
- Thanks. Done.

- Doctor Sarracino ... - Hasn't he ...
- The chair? - No, forget it.

- Done. - You get
the parcels from Switzerland!

- And are you the inspector? - Is it forbidden
for a commissioner? - Of course!

- And this? - Yes. Now
we have a laugh!

- Why does the chick come out of the package?
- How funny!

- Can you read? - What do you mean?
- Can you read even without glasses?

- I read anyway. - Now let's laugh,
read what's written.

- Is there a joke? - Don't be
funny. What's written?

- "Used personal effects".
- Well, here we go!

You teach me
that "personal effects" are: ...

.. shirts, ties, collars,
underwear and footpegs!

- Where are these things?
- He's right, but ...

Here we are faced
with some "chiose" boxes!

- Tins ...? - "Chiose".
- It is not possible. Allows?

- These are Swiss.
- But they are "chiose". - But I don't see ...

- They are hermetically "chiose"!
- Ah, closed! - Don't quibble!

Hermetically sealed boxes
with a German inscription: ...

.. "Containing
apparently medicines".

- Nobody fools me!
- But nobody wants to fool him!

- No need, she's already ...
- You mean I am? - No...

It could be morphine,
marijuana, "cacaine"!

- Where is this "cacaina"?
- In here. - And who did it?

- In Switzerland. - So a Swiss
made ... He meant "cocaine"!

- What did I say? - "Cacaina".
- No, "cacaina".

- "Cacaina", I heard right!
- Do you want to teach me Italian ?!

No, it is a question of language.
Garibaldi, what have you done?

- What does he say? - I'm talking to a friend.
- Leave him alone! - That's enough!

Inspector, what do you think ?! I am a
commissioner, not a "Pinco Pallino"!

Now smuggling
poop ... nock ...

- Don't stand up! - Yes, she
insists! I'm not a thug!

It won't be morphine, marijuana
or "cacaine". Tell me what's up.

- What's up? - Yes, what is it?
- It's a medicine.

We have established this.
But what kind of medicine is it?

- Oh saint ... Will you?
- What's up?

- I don't want ... - Say.
(SARRACINO FARFUGLIA)

- Spoke? - Didn't you understand?
- Sputters! What should I understand?

(SARRACINO FARFUGLIA)

- I don't understand her, what does she say ?!
- I'm speaking softly!

- Send this away. - All right!
It was enough to say it clearly!

Pugs, go do other things.
Here, let's close the door too.

Do you want to tell us
this confidential thing?

- Excuse me, I was
a little in awe earlier . - I see.

You can speak freely with me, I
'm a man!

- How, please? - I'm a man!
- Oh yes? - Oh, no?

- No, I say, he's a man like me, so
what's the shame? - Good. "Dong"?

- Thing? - "Dong", say!
- it? Yes: "Don".

- Dica! "Dong"!
- "Don"!

- Say, "dong"!
- Higher perhaps? "Don"!

- You mustn't ring the bell!
Say! You speak! - "So"! - Yup!

- Diceva "don"! - Se dico "dong",
dico "dong"! - "Dico-don-dico-don"!

- Are you kidding me?
- I wouldn't dare.

- Come on, I have no time to waste.
- Me neighter. - Hurry up.

You must know that I have a little
"affliction".

I absolutely must ...

I have to resort to the Swiss ones,
the Italian ones don't hurt me.

Not even talking about it,
the Swiss ones instead ...

- I don't understand what you mean.
- Does not understand? - No, it's just ...

Do you eat everything?

- I eat regularly,
like every Christian. - Blessed are you.

So when is that time ...
(TOWARDS SATISFACTION)

- If I ate well I
'm satisfied! - I envy you.

But I have to eat white,
and despite this ...

So ... the "Swiss woman".
Understood?

I'm sorry, I didn't understand anything.

- Suppose ... - You have to talk
to me about real things! No suppositories!

Suppositories! He took it out of my mouth!

Out of awe I did not dare to name
this adjective.

- There are suppositories in there.
- The suppositories! The drug! - Yup.

(MASTRILLO laughs)
How joking! Humorous!

- That's why he did so with his finger.
- Yes, so that he understood ...

- (laughing) Ah, inspector!
- (laughing) Sounds like a joke!

I'm sorry, suppositories or not,
I have to pay you a small fine.

- I pay you, the world will not fall!
How much it is? - 37,000 lire.

- Was he paralyzed?
- Did he say 37,000 lire? - Yup.

- Are we kidding? - There is fraud.
- But what fraud ?!

- It said "personal effects".
- Don't make me angry!

You know I contracted this
affliction because of the service, ...

.. sitting for hours inside a
"panther" or behind a desk!

Running back and forth,
"sleep worse, eat badly"!

Always at the service of the state!
They are parastatal suppositories!

State or parastatal, the suppositories
do not put them if he does not pay the fine!

Sure, I'll give you 37,000 lire
like this on your nail!

Not me, the state!
Pay attention to how he talks!

I live on my salary,
let it be known once and for all!

Me too, what do you think ?!
Such a thing has never happened to me !

What happened to her the other times ?!

- Hundreds
of these packages have arrived ! - Good boy!

- "Bravo" a horn! - Then he has to
pay the fine five times!

- Oh yes? - Yes sir!
- Then if you keep them!

- I don't need suppositories!
- Not now, but he will suffer as I do.

- Watch how he talks!
- She is bad!

Certain things are lurking,
and when they come up, ...

.. she will jump
and it will be painful!

Pugs, take him out!

I'd like to know who stole
the inspector 's car!

Did we work quietly and go
"to pull the tail of the sleeping dog"?

He is a stranger or a beginner.

However it made me waste half a
day! Here is the commissioner!

(CONFUSED VOICE)

Silence!
I SAID "SILENCE"!

- The inspector must speak!
- We're wasting time here!

- "Mouse", shut up!
- And he! - As always!

Guys, what do we do?
Does this car come out or not ?!

It can't be one of us!
We are serious professionals!

Shall we steal the car from a "madam" ?!

I am not a "madam", understand ?!
I am the Commissioner!

We all know the license plates
of the police officers!

They gave me mine a
few days ago.

We are up to date!
Tell him the license plate!

(together) Commissioner Sarracino,
FIAT 1100 last type car, ...

... burgundy
red, red linings , ...

.. radio and electric cigarette lighter,
Pinocchio puppet, ...

..targata Roma 566491!

On a Saturday, do you understand? I bet
you don't know the license plate number.

If you need a car,
we will find it for you!

- A Jaguar, a Cadillac,
a Mecedes ... - I want mine!

- You have to make me find it
at the front door! - It's difficult!

Not for you! Remember when they stole
President Batista's car?

You found it in 10 minutes!
A little good will!

As a reward, I let you talk to
the lawyer before I throw you in.

At work! I want the car!
(CONFUSED VOICE)

So, you and me
at Garbatella!

The "Duo Monnezza" at the Trullo
and "Il Zozzone" at Porta Portese!

I have lost faith,
I can't find the car anymore.

We have hired
specialized, international thieves !

Who knows which nation in the world
it ended up in!

- I can speak? - Speaks.
- What I have to say?

- You asked to speak.
- It was not me. - And who was he?

Still her in the middle of the feet ?!

- I can not stand it anymore!
Who let him in ?! - Not me.

- This poor fellow has nothing to do with it!
- What, "poor fellow" ?!

- I found it open.
- And why did he come in ?!

- It's a public order office.
- What if I was doing something?

- What do you do in a police station?
- What? - Do you want to hear me ?!

- I'm sending her to the asylum!
- In the asylum?

- On a Saturday, call the madhouse!
- Phone to the asylum! - No!

With all the troubles I have today!
(CONFUSED VOICE)

- You don't have to come back here!
- I get it!

I've already kicked it out once!
Should I kick her out again ?!

- Once I had patience,
the second not! - What he wants?!

- I brought evidence of the
perfect murder ! - Where am I? - Here!

Is there another parrot inside?
A monkey? A donkey ?!

Mind you, I'm not an ass!

I received this bottle, in which
I assume there is poison!

- What do you deduce it from?
- From what the newspapers write!

- Forget the papers!
We know the newspapers! - Yeah.

- They sent it to me!
- Who them? The journalists?

- My wife and the vet!
- I do not understand.

Listen to what letter I received.
Do you think I'm joking?

- Glasses, damn it!
- Here we must call the commissioner!

Forget it,
who do you want to find at this hour?

Here it is! Don't distract me!
"Dear knight Alfredo Fiore."

- I'm a soda
and liquor salesman. - A "bibitaro".

What do you say?
I am a regular trader!

"Alfredo Fiore, representative of soft drinks
and liqueurs, Via Betulle 10, Rome."

"Our company
offers you representation ..."

- Stay still with the papers! - Here I
am in my office! - It distracts me!

"..the representation of our
bitter, of which we attach a sample."

"Please try it ..."

"... to know your opinion
before putting it on the market."

- I got it? - What's up? It's a
very common business letter!

- They offer you a deal!
- They wanted to do the deal!

They thought: "He tastes this,
and he goes to the Creator!".

Then they would do their best!

- "Their"! But who are these?
- My wife and the vet!

- Ah! This is his psychosis!
- Psychosis? - He's a "psychopath"!

However, I leave the bottle here
and you have to have it analyzed!

It is my right
and above all your duty!

I respect the Constitution!
You are at the service of the people!

With the tax money you eat,
On Saturday, Sunday!

You buy houses, furs, jewels.
I know you bought the car too!

- GO AWAY!
- STREET!

He knew I bought the car!

I won it at the "Telefortuna"
and they already screwed me!

Yes, he won it at the "Telefortuna"!

- Good morning, Don Amilcare.
- Good morning.

- Here. Can I feel comfortable?
- If a priest is not comfortable ...

- You know, there is a bustle of thieves here ...
- That's why we are here. - Yeah.

My dear Don Amilcare,
let's get to the point: what do you want?

- I brought you this bundle.
- What's this? - Open and see.

Is it the silverware stolen
three days ago from Signora Arditi?

- How did you know?
- A matter of nose! - Good boy.

Where did you find it?

On
the prie - dieu of the confessional.

(SARRACINO RIDE)

How did he know
it was stolen stuff?

- A matter of nose. - She too?
- That's right. - Give me the name.

Evidently she does not remember that
the secret of confession exists.

- Do you confess that the thief
has confessed ?! - I don't confess.

- Be kind, you confess.
- I can't confess.

What priest is he if he does not confess?

I confess in church.
I don't come here to confess to you.

- Yours might seem like
a complicity. - Because?

When he confessed the thief, didn't
he see him through the grate?

I don't look, I listen.
I look after the soul.

- Tell me the name of the soul.
- Souls have no name.

- And who am I arresting ?! The soul ...
- We respect souls, please.

I respect souls,
but I want the thief's body!

If the stuff is returned,
the thief doesn't exist, he existed.

It would be too comfortable!
Repenting is not enough, Don Amilcare!

Whoever has committed a crime must be
punished! Repentance does not help!

Allows? If you have a knife
in your hand, are you a killer?

- Answer, are you a killer?
- No.

- Become a killer if he
kills someone with a knife ! - What a comparison!

I take the knife
to cut bread, to eat!

- Evidently he did that
too to eat. - Oh yes?

Don Amilcare, do me a courtesy:
take a look at these photos.

Gladly.

Well, let's do some sport.
She also goes skiing.

- it? - Yes, he took his picture
with a woolen cap.

- These are mugshots!
- I see, he has the face of a criminal.

- Do I have the face of a criminal?
- Without glasses...

- Put them on and watch.
- However it looks like us.

- This I seem to recognize.
- And he? - Yes, that's him.

- Tell me the name. - Giovanni
Morbidoni, known as "Mani di Fata".

- Here's the complaint. - But no, this
doesn't steal in the neighborhood either.

Do you have this phone?

- Do you want to warn him?
- No, he has to do me a job.

I still haven't figured out
what kind of priest you are.

Round up the begging
with a few taps?

The lock on
the alms box got stuck, ...

..and this with two fingers
opens it to me immediately.

And to pull a hen's neck, do you
call the Salaria monster?

Don't be ironic, please.

- Take that off the file.
- Because?

- It is a lost sheep
returned to the fold. - Oh yes?

Do you call this criminal face
"little sheep"? This is a "billy goat"!

When I meet him,
I arrest him "a priori"!

Drink this bottle, it
is always below the elbow!

She doesn't arrest anyone!
That "sheep" is an employee!

- To the ministry?
- To the cemetery!

(laughing) So does "house and shop",
kill people and then bury them.

- You don't believe in repentance, do you?
- Imagine. - I confess one thing.

- Tell me. - That's something
nobody knows. - I am pleased to.

- It could be a lesson to you.
- Tell me, I listen. - Thanks.

As a child I was
in a reform school for three years .

Now everything is explained! You were born a
delinquent! Excuse me, huh?

Then he was touched by Grace
and he came here to my misfortune!

She will never understand anything!
Good morning!

What does he do, he goes like this
Doesn't that tell me anything?

What do you want me to tell you?
Peace and love.

- Peace and good a ... I almost said it.
- Don't say that.

She makes me angry: the criminals
confess everything to her and nothing to me!

- Be a priest.
- And you make yourself commissioner.

If I were commissioner and found out
who stole the silverware ...

- Don't look at your finger, look at me.
- I look at her.

- Looking at the finger
does not discover anything. - All right.

- I wouldn't send him to jail.
- Because? - Leave your finger alone!

Because he is a repentant man
and will no longer steal.

Instead, if he comes out of prison he would be
poisoned and sentenced to crime.

- Are you coming to lecture me ?!
- Yup.

I too would like the world to
be inhabited by decent people!

Tell me something, if the world ...

- Here's the finger! What are you looking for ?!
- I got used to seeing it!

And where do I put it?
Do you want to take fingerprints ?!

- He puts it under my nose! - Where
should I put it? - If you put it on ...

Attention, huh! Now I take it off
and tell her what I have to tell her!

What trade would you do in a world
inhabited by decent people?

What she would do
if she had no souls to save!

- The poles touch! - Take them off,
please! - Don't hurt me!

- Don Amilcare! - What else is there?
- I want to ask you something. - Say.

- You who know everything ...
- Everything what?

- She who is in the middle,
vivacchia ... - I don't vivacchio!

- In short, bastard!
- Come on, say what you mean.

- Don't be offended. - For charity.
- To a "thing" ... - A "thing"?

I mean, my friend
's car was stolen this morning !

And what do you want to know from me?
(SARRACINO RIDE)

You know, she is in the middle ...

- In Rome they steal 50 cars a day,
as you want me to ... - That's a lot.

- What car is it?
- A new 1100, bordeaux red!

- Is it lined in red?
- Exactly!

- Is there a little cap behind?
- Yup! Who took it? - I do not know.

So why did you say
that there is behind the Pinocchietto?

- Don't get mad. - I get angry!
- Let me talk.

Unfortunately ...
Oh my God, I thank Heaven.

I'm going on a bicycle,
an old Bianchi, ...

..and I always look at gentlemen
who travel by car.

- Oh yes?
- So I know that car is yours.

Well, gentlemen ...
I won it at "Telefortuna".

He was lucky enough to win it and now
he has had the misfortune of losing it.

- Have patience, the world goes like this.
What are you doing? - Find it for me!

- Hello.
- I salute you.

One two three four...

Are you stupid ?! Fifty "bags"
for a new car ?!

- New? Disassembled. - We can't
open a stolen car showroom.

- He paid me for it as usual.
- All prices go up, we don't.

- The love for this French made you
stoned. - I straightened it out.

- First you straightened it,
then you softened it! - Shit!

- Hey, don't make me a pernacchietta!
- (in French) Shut up!

Good, Pecorino, he didn't offend you.

The French
have an easy pernacchietta.

- He said "shit" first!
- They're easy too!

Good morning, children.

Don Amilcare, what a pleasant surprise.

Let's not start telling lies,
young man.

I see business is good.

- We are making a collection, the
Pirate is getting married. - Wishes. - Thanks.

- And who are you marrying?
- Miss Jacqueline.

Allow me to send you
all my warmest wishes.

Miss Jacqueline, if I
'm not mistaken, would be that girl ...

... best known
at the archaeological walk ...

..with the name
of "the Bolognese of the Seine".

Can't we redeem ourselves?
If Grace has touched me ...

Everyone touches you except Grace!

- Young man, are you leaving?
- I have an appointment.

Make her wait. I come to see you,
instead of being happy you go.

This money is by accident ...

.. the proceeds from the sale
of a certain commissioner's car?

- Who did you take us for?
- For gentlemen.

- Excuse me, but ...
- Are you taking the money out of my hands?

- Are you going to hit?
- Yes, and I don't know when I'm done.

We told you, it's the
collection money , I have to get married.

You are rude too.
They don't take money out of their hands.

Did you get involved with the police?

You go smoke and drink back there,
otherwise I create a diplomatic incident.

This burgundy red door
from which car was it detached?

Pecorino, do you know anything about it?

(laughing) Ah, yes, that counter
must be ... yes, yes ...

- Who remembers it?
- I'll straighten your nose!

Guys, if the inspector
's car doesn't come out , I'll blow you up!

The commissioner!

- Good morning, Commissioner.
- Good morning.

Now, as good children, let's start
over. Who created us?

(together) God created us.

- Who is God? - (together) He is the
Creator of heaven and earth.

And where is my car located?

- (together) in heaven, on earth
and in every place. - Good.

How come in these parts,
Commissioner?

Rather you, Don Amilcare:
why in these parts?

- As you can see, I am exercising my
ministry away from home. - Oh yes?

- He's teaching catechism
in the thieves' den. - Exactly.

"If Muhammad doesn't go to the mountain,
the mountain goes to Muhammad."

- Did you change your religion? - She never
changes. Why did he follow me?

- Out of sheer curiosity.
- Ah, yes?

I said to myself: "I want to see
what Don Amilcare is doing today".

I am exercising my ministry,
teaching catechism.

If you want to participate, join
us, otherwise go away.

- I have to work for the redemption
of these souls. - File!

As it happens, none of them were in the
police station with "car rats"!

- We were studying catechism.
- No, how to fool the next!

- Love your neighbor as yourself.
- I don't love this neighbor!

If you hold my
car thieves hand , arrest for aiding

Don't be angry, Inspector.

"Priest forewarned is forearmed."
I got it?

I get it.

So, guys ...
Get up, the inspector is gone.

- What we want to do? Do
you want me to end up in Regina Coeli? - No.

- If you want to give us back the money first ...
- Ah, right.

I had put them in my pocket
so as not to show them to the inspector.

Let's go back to the subject: does
this 1100 burgundy red come out ?

- There is a complication. - Which?
- We have already sold the wheels.

- It's easy, you get them back.
- Who remembers who he is?

- We get them from another car!
- This story will never end!

- Don't you remember? - No.
- Let's see if your memory comes back.

Let's try with the capocciate!
Who knows that your memory will come back!

(CONFUSED SCREAM)

- Hello? - Do you play hide and seek
in the garbage cans?

But do you think?
Do you call that "game"?

If you don't want to die, bring the money to
Villa Borghese tonight at 10:00, ...

..Viale Platone, hedge to the right
of the statue of Venus.

- Come without police, understand ?!
- I'll come alone, I promise you.

I'll come alone, without the police.

Commissioner, this is Spampinato.

Lancetti made an appointment
with the blackmailer.

He will bring him the 5 million
tonight at 10:00 in Villa Borghese.

I get it. And the Commendatore is good!

- Can I go home?
- No, I need you. Have you heard?

- Lancetti has decided to pay
without warning us! - Oh yes?

How can I protect citizens
if they don't cooperate?

In my opinion, he is afraid of the scandal.
It will have something to hide.

- I think so too. We will intervene
without your knowledge. - Very well.

For the Ceresi case, how did I
dress up? As a firefighter!

Yes, and for the scandal of the
"pink ballets", as a seeker monk.

- For the adultery of the
butcher 's wife , as a plumber. - Exactly.

- What else do we have?
- A tricorn coat.

What am I going to do
at a funeral in Villa Borghese?

Who is Villa Borghese frequented by at night ?

Give "so" and "things".
(laughing) I found!

- Something we'll do! Come!
- Here we go!

Here we go.

Permission?

- Good morning. - Good morning.
- The gentlemen wish?

- We'd like to buy some socks.
- We only have women's socks.

- Exactly, women's socks.
- Please, take a seat.

- Is this guy okay?
- Let's see'.

- What do you say?
- They seem too veiled to me.

Once I put them on for
that Alberto's case , and you could see the hair.

There is a depilator.
Women shave , can't we too?

- Am I right? - I do not know.
- I'll take two pairs.

They might unravel
as I put them on.

- Do you want anything else? - Yes, a
model, something flashy.

And then a complete set:
slip, panties and bra.

- Which size?
- Third.

I used to wear the second, but I
gained some weight on the hips.

- But, sorry, are they for you?
- Yes. - Ah, okay.

(Sarracino) It is easy to "put on some
meat" without realizing it.

- Nylon okay?
- No, for heaven's sake!

- As soon as I put on an
undergarment ... - A garment?

- Yes, my
skin turns red if it's nylon . - Allergy.

(Sarracino) You say it's allergy?
I did not think about it.

- Are you comfortable with nylon?
- Yes, especially with the romper.

A matter of skin.

As you can see, it's all silk.
Does this bra fit you?

- Will you tie it to me? - Sure.
- Doesn't that seem a little big to you?

- Looks good with big breasts. - I do
the "plus", "Lollo" type.

- Would you like this as a slip?
- Let's see. The fabric is good. - Yup.

- We need a mirror.
- Here, doctor.

- Here then it must be wrapped ...
- The model is not bad either.

I don't like the color.
I would prefer in black, it's sexier!

- Purple is in fashion this year.
- Purple no, brings me "bad luck"!

Do you know that if I wear something
purple, I don't see anyone anymore?

- How disgusting! What a shame!
- Countess! - I'll never go back!

Countess, wait!

Enough, go to another shop, it
ruins my customers!

- Who did you take us for?
- What did you understand?

I understand perfectly well. Now I
'm calling my man. (in French) Pee, come on.

- He can call whoever he wants ...
- (in French) Come now!

- As it comes?
- I do not know.

- (in French) Here I am. What is it,
honey? - (in French) Look!

- The commissioner of the suppository!
- Inspector Mastrillo!

- Can you tell me what you're doing here?
- You should tell me, don't you think?

I am not required to explain to you.
I'm trying on a bra.

- Office stuff. - That's right.
- Don't get mad.

Countess Bartoli saw him like this
and ran away scandalized.

- Made me lose a client.
- How do you say? He lost...?

I ran away.
I said "a client".

Inspector Mastrillo, can
you tell me what you do in this boutique ?!

To be honest, I round up.

Oh yes? Round?
With the lady who calls her "Pee"?

I call my man what I want!

Never talk when
men talk , understand?

- Especially when
an attentive commissioner speaks ! - Sarracino.

- I know his name is Sarracino.
I said "diligent". - All right.

You will surely know
that a government official, ...

..a customs inspector
cannot carry out other activities!

I told you, inspector.
We are humane and reasonable.

I earn more or less what
she earns, 150,000 a month!

- What am I doing, the "drink"?
- Thing? - Beer.

I round up by being
Mrs. Durane's steward .

Who calls
his administrator Pee !

(laughing) You don't have to quibble.

The lady is a foreigner, she
does not speak Italian well.

She doesn't feel like calling me
by my name, Joseph.

Pepè can't say it
and Pee escapes her.

But first the lady
said she is her man!

I told her, she is a stranger,
she ran away.

How many things escape to strangers.

- Who is "cusso"? - My brigadier.
- Sorry, I didn't know you. - You are welcome.

I advise you
to let her learn Italian.

Could "mess up"
a married man who rounds up!

However, what a commissioner!
Be proud of it, sergeant!

- Don't make compliments. - He's a
hound, he saw that I have faith!

My friend, I see everything!

I saw the faith,
the foreigner, the boutique!

- On Saturday, I don't see clearly.
- Me neither.

- He's also
nasty , he called me "cusso". - It means "this". - Ah.

- That Mastrillo "stinks me".
- You are right.

- His
private life needs to be investigated . - I'll handle that.

- Now why don't you have something to eat?
- My stomach is closed.

Then take your aperitif.
I'll serve you.

- Our profession is not appreciated
by anyone. - It's a bad job.

- Yes, it's infamous. That's enough. - Drink.
- An infamous job.

- What about this stuff? - Put it over there.
- I'll handle that.

- Hello? - Ready!
- Swift department?

- No it's me. - I who?
- The one from last time.

- Who is that?
- Big things are happening!

- Is there a rally? Strike? Barrel?
- No, in my house!

- You want me to send the firemen?
- No, for heaven's sake.

- Where do you live? - In via San Clemente,
but now I'm at the window.

- Are you calling from the window?
- Leave the phone! - What's up?

- I'm here. Here we are.
- "There we are" a horn!

- Exactly! I discovered them!
- Now we go over the windows?

Of course, he gave orders
not to let me pass!

What should I do to not see it again?
Am I sending her to life in prison?

Do I have her shot?
What should I do? I can not stand it anymore!

You have to listen to
me , I am the people, I pay my taxes!

- I also represent the people and
pay taxes. - Then let's listen to each other.

- I surprised them! - Who?
- My wife and the vet!

- Stay still. - They're lovers! - Who?
- My wife and the vet!

The worm of insanity
is digging her brain!

I'm not crazy, I heard them!

I heard Rosa
and Cavallo al Chanterelle!

- I do not understand.
- Rosa and Cavallo al Chanterelle!

- Who is Rosa?
- My wife.

Do you go on horseback to the Chanterelle?
Are we at the equestrian circus?

- Il Gallinaccio is a restaurant.
- And who is the horse? - The lover!

- Is Rosa the lover of a horse?
- Horse is the lover's surname!

- And explain! - I heard:
"This time we did it."

They meant they killed
me with the poisoned bitter!

Hers is a psychosis! The bitter
is not poisoned, I guarantee it!

- Did you have it analyzed? - No,
I'm sending it now. But it is not poisoned.

- Where's the bitter?
- Oh, my mom, someone ...

- Yes, someone drank it!
- Who drank it?

- Whose is it? -
They bring this to me every day from the bar.

No, this is the bottle
I brought!

- It says, read!
I remember it! - Oh God...

(stammering) Did I drink
the poisoned bitter?

- Oh my God!
- Are you feeling bad? I knew it!

With your death I will have the proof to
have those two killers arrested!

She will be the murderer! On Saturday,
"I'm in pain"! I have pains!

Is dying! Come!
(SARRACINO GEME)

- Commissioner! Commissioner!
- On Saturday!

- The pulse is very regular.
- The stomach? - Regular.

- Does your stomach hurt?
- No ... Yes, a little ...

- I hear "pum-pum" ... - No,
it's regular, it's that of the knight.

(SARRACINO GEME)
For me it has nothing.

- It will be a case of suggestion.
- He says? - Yes. - Suggestion?

- I drank that bitter.
- So?

I got a languid
stomach. Feel a bite here.

- It's hunger!
- languor and suggestion.

Could be
delayed poisoning .

Your name is Cavallo, right?

No, Fiore. Horse is
my wife's lover . It is good that you know.

- You entered the window while
I was talking on the phone. - Yes sir.

I want to reconstruct the whole fact.

As a citizen I
am at your disposal.

Good. She walked in from there
while I was calling there.

I disturbed you
because it was an urgent matter.

Get on the chair.
I want to see how it went.

- I was facing.
- I need it in reverse.

- From behind?
- Yes, I want to see something.

Attention, one, two and three!

Ouch! It's a shame, I'll
appeal to the people!

Recourse to whoever you want, to the People,
to the Giornale d'Italia, to the Corrierino!

For me she represents
a closed case!

If you want, go
to Senator Merlin!

(NOISE OF BREAKING GLASSES)

- Commissioner Sarracino, right?
- Yes. - Sit down. - Thanks.

Thanks for coming.
I am Colonel Lamazza.

- Colonel ...? - The bat.
I am a private detective. - She?

I would have come to the police station,
but I didn't want to arouse suspicion.

- You know, I'm well known.
- I've never heard of it.

Because I am acting incognito.

I wanted to talk to her
because, knowing her fame ...

- It is a phenomenon, it is never wrong!
- I made some mistakes too.

Look, tell me what it is.

- This is a new Landru case.
- No!

- Can you see well? - Yes.
- Come with me a moment.

Come here. Look there.

- He saw? - It's a villa. -
Mysterious things happen in there !

Wait, it comes! Do you see the car?

- Who is that?
- The owner, Landru!

Standing in this bar, I saw
that women come in at 4pm.

- What's strange about
women coming in ? - Nothing, if they got out alive!

- Do they come out dead? - They don't come out anymore!
- It's safe? This is serious!

Sure! I would have already intervened,
but I have no legal powers!

- That's why I called her.
- He did the right thing.

The difficulty is to enter
without arousing suspicion.

She makes me laugh. And I?
Do you see?

You are not those of yesterday!

- No, we are those of today.
- Those of yesterday are sick. - Yeah.

Well, come in.

- Come.
- The doctor was waiting for you.

Sorry, the boy is inexperienced.

No, not beyond!
The room to wrap is that!

- Is there anything to wrap there?
- No!

- Some repairs ...
- No! - Forget it.

Come in. If you want something,
you have to call me.

You must not leave this room
for any reason, otherwise ...

(THREATS IN CHINESE)

- I got it?! - What did he say?
- "Good job." All right.

(THREATS IN CHINESE)

Chang!

- Who I am? I've never seen them.
- They're new. The others are sick.

Did they have to come right now?
We hope they don't bother us!

- Don't worry, doctor.
- Is everything ready there?

- Yes, in detail.
- Good! Come!

People come to work!

- Don't make a fuss!
- At work!

- But are you really a detective?
- Yup! - Sara...

- What's now? - It works. If he sees us
doing nothing, he "eats the leaf".

- Do you want to be an upholsterer? - Yes.
- I've never done that. - Me neighter.

I am a commissioner,
but you have to make do.

(EXPRESSION OF MISTAKE)

Look, I have little patience
and I am very nervous.

Do one thing, go down and hold
still. I instead hold firm here.

So ...
(TOM STARNUTISCE)

- Are we joking?
- My nose was itchy.

Don't itch it!
Keep it here!

- It's a delicate moment, we risk
not getting out alive. - Mamma Mia.

We must react. Stop!
Don't pull down, have patience.

Now is he going to do the parnacchie ?!
Oh, my God!

Colleague, find out
what's going on out here.

(softly) Commissioner!

- It is gone!
- Who was? - A cat!

- And for a cat ...
- A black cat! - And with this?!

- He was frowning!
- Stop playing the fool!

Let's work! If the
bearded one or the Chinese comes, "we're fried"!

- The bat! Did you hear a commotion?
- No.

- They're "bustling" outside!
Are you deaf? - No!

This way. Let's see.

- There was a door here. - There is no more.
- They bricked us up alive!

- Did they lock us in ?!
- The window!

- There was a window here or
am I wrong? - Did they take her away?

- No, they bricked us up alive!
- Help! Help! - Shut up!

- What's up? What happened?
- We gave it a first hand.

- We are working.
- A first hand, huh? - Yup.

All right.

(softly) It's the ripper, shut up.

(HAMMER SHOTS)

This time I'm trapped!

(HAMMER SHOTS)

No, the cash register is no longer needed.

But how? Shouldn't
the Baroness be buried ?

No, I've changed my mind.

I decided to have the
hunchback cut her into pieces after torturing her!

- So let's take the coffin away? - No, it
could be useful for someone else.

What happened to the girl?

She saw the
singer's skeleton and passed out.

Wake it up! We have to
kill this with the nail!

This murder must be prevented!

There is nobody!
Where they went?

Wow! Before the coffin was empty,
now they put the lid on.

They must have put the body in there.
See if anyone is there.

- Who is it?
- I'm the detective!

- The dead man answered.
- That says? - He said: "Who is it?".

See if there's anyone inside.

- See? There is nobody.
- Yet I heard it.

(A WOMAN CRYS)
The dead man is over there.

(softly) Don't make me laugh!
Slowly...

They are about to carry out the murder,
we must act! Is he armed?

- No.
- Arm yourself!

Hands up!
You are all under arrest!

You ruined the best
sequence of my photo novel!

- But then here they make comics!
- What's the difference?!

Where did it take me,
with all I have to do ?!

- Women disappeared!
- No, they came to work!

There he is! This is the third time in a month
that he has escaped from the asylum!

(On Saturday) Did you read everything
I learned about the inspector?

- Yes, things from the other world.
- Yeah.

- It's safe?
- I talked to the doorman!

The most complete Inspector Mastrillo,
at 150,000 lire a month!

Apartment, penthouse,
silverware, antique furniture!

Butler and two waiters!

Four boutiques, three for his wife
and one for his friend who calls him Pipi.

How does he do all this
with 150,000 lire a month ?!

The goalkeeper said he often wins
at the Totocalcio, which has a system ...

He calls it "system"!
(SHOTS AT THE DOOR)

- Forward!
- Doctor Mastrillo is here!

- Doctor! - "Fall like cheese
on macaroni"! Let in!

- Please, take a seat. - Disorder?
- (Sarracino) But what a disturbance!

- If you talk about your own things,
I can wait. - Office stuff.

How are you? What a pleasure!
On Saturday, give the doctor a chair!

- Here it is. - You are welcome.
- Thank you Doctor. - What a pleasure.

- Did you see what I brought you?
- Is that another bitter? - No.

- It's those things ... - I get it.
- What a kind thought he had.

These things move me!
Not even a brother would have done that!

- It's nothing, for heaven's sake.
- Thanks.

We met
in these strange "circumstances" ...

But they made me understand
so many things!

I cannot allow
a "mischief" like you ...

- "Impiagato"? - "Impiagato"
of the State. - Ah, employee!

- I cannot allow you to pay a
37,000 lire fine. - Thanks a lot.

- Duty, for heaven's sake,
you live like me ... - Eh, yes.

- Rounding up.
- But she rounds very well.

- That house, servants, butler,
the Cadillac ... - Cadillac!

- Four boutiques! - Four!
- And the little friend! - The little friend!

- What do you think?
Do you think I'm happy? - No?

I am a wretch!
Who should I take it out on?

- It is the "fetus" who wanted it that way.
- Huh? - The fate. - Yup.

- Now I am in these
"circumstances" ... - Ten rooms!

- I have to keep
this tenor! - Oh yes?

- Does it also maintain a tenor?
- What did you understand?

- This standard of living.
- Sorry, standard of living.

- It's a disaster, dear doctor.
- She complains, but I envy her!

- Dear Mastrillo ... Allow me
to call you that? - I'm honored.

I wish I could know
that system too !

I would keep the tenor, the soprano, the
baritone, the bass! All the work!

- Are you talking about the Totocalcio?
- (laughing) Let's call it Totocalcio!

- "Como"?
- No, qua a Roma!

- I have friendships,
"open doors", do you understand? - Sure.

- I said, "como", you too ...
- Yes, yes!

- Can we stay alone?
- Yes. - let's send "cusso" away.

Yes good.

- "Cusso"!
- I didn't expect it from you!

Sorry, on a Saturday!
I'm leaving with the doctor!

If they look for me, I'll be right back.
Please, come this way.

- (Mastrillo) With permission,
brigadier. - How obnoxious!

- Come in, come in!
- Shall we go talk in the toilet?

Shut up, it's the only quiet place.

The offices are full of people,
one cannot speak freely.

- Sit down. - I can speak standing.
- It's best seated.

- Tell me, how is your system?
- The one from the Totocalcio?

Totocalcio ?! I understood immediately,
I want to get into this business of yours!

If he doesn't tell me,
I'll blow everything up!

- How do you get the money at
customs? - How did you know?

Mastrillo, I'm not a fool!
So how does it do it?

I have now been discovered
and I must speak.

- What a smart inspector!
- Modestly.

- I want to hope to have something to do
with an "understanding" man. - Oh yes!

- And practical too, let's face it!
- Mastrillo, do you want to know the truth?

I got tired of being a
state employee at 150,000 lire a month!

- I want to escape! - Good boy!
I understand very well, he is right!

- But he realized it too late.
- What do you want to do?

- I noticed it 4 years ago!
- Better late than never!

How is this system
of cheating on customs money?

- It is "the egg of Columbus". - Where
are these "eggs of Columbus" sold?

- From Switzerland ... - Are
the eggs coming ? - No, the watches.

- Let's say a
lot of watches arrives from Geneva. - Yup.

I make a false bill, I don't
register it, and "I pappo" the money!

- (laughing) What an idea! Is there salt
in here? - Modestly.

- Do you have any accomplice? Anyone
covering? - I'm alone, I'm not a fool!

(LAUGH)
Bravo, Mastrillo!

- Guess what I've been "eating"
in two years. - I do not know?

- Fortune tellers! - I'm not the magician
of Naples! - A billion!

(EXPRESSION OF APPRECIATION)
What did you think you were "ca chera"?

- "Ca chera"? - What did you think
it was? - Oh yes. A billion!

If in two years I "eaten" a
billion, in four years you and I ...

- Allow me to call you "you"?
- Yup.

In 4 years, with the collaboration
of a diligent commissioner, ...

..we two open a "benca"!

- A "benca"? - "Mastrillo
and Sarracino, Benca Popolare".

- Popular Bank! - You are there?
- There are! - Deal, let's go!

- Wait a moment. - Are you pulling the
chain? - No, I have to do something.

Hello, Spampinato, have you registered?
Let me hear.

(Mastrillo) Guess
what I "pappato" in two years .

(Sarracino) What do I know?
I am not the magician of Naples!

(Mastrillo) A billion!
What did you think "ca chera"?

- Pee, you fell for it!
- You made the record ...

Did you really
think I wanted to be your partner ?!

I take 150,000 lire a month
but I am an honest commissioner!

Spampinato, handcuffs!

I have gone the way of the gardener!
The suppository ended up behind me!

What did you think, "ca chera" ?!
"Al fresco"!

- He brought the money and left.
What time is it? - 10:00.

- Go away, we have to change customers.
Send me Spampinato. - Immediately.

- Hi dear. - Are you leaving like this?
Aren't you giving me the usual gift?

- (softly) What gift?
- It is used, right?

- Here.
- Will you only give me 500 lire?

Doctor, have
you looked in the mirror?

"Lousy"! Goodbye, moro!

(SARRACINO CANTICCHIA)

Teresina ... How ugly
you are, you also have a mustache!

- This starving man is beautiful!
- And you rebel ?!

The young lady is in my company.

He wanted me to go away with him.
I'm not going with you!

But who wants you?
Keep it tight, that witch!

You fool, villain!
He called me "befana"!

- He's not entirely wrong.
- How would that be?

(softly) Hug me!
No, not here, not here!

A suspicious type.

- Stop him! - Handcuffs?
- But I was making a need!

- But what need?
- Shut up, you dirty!

You will be filthy!
I am a commissioner!

- These are thieves! Help!
- Run, get it!

- Don't shoot! - The package is here,
that actually was ...

- "We made a mistake."
- (Spampinato) Stop! - Leave him!

- Take him, this thug!
- No, it has nothing to do with it!

It's just plain dirty!
Se ne vada!

Thank goodness I don't
refer you to the judicial authority!

- We made a hole in the water.
- Put the package back where it was.

- You will see that sooner or later
"the fish bites"! - Let's hope!

(SARRACINO CANTA)

Hold him tight, I want to look him
in the face! But I know this!

- He's the Commendatore's brother-in-law!
- Rascal! - Who is she?!

I am Commissioner Sarracino!

Ah, it was you!
I was hiding to see who it was!

Well yes, it was me.

- He confessed, call the
inspector. - Here she is! - Not her!

- I'm Commissioner Sarracino
on duty! - Madam, arrest him!

- What a "lady"! - Yes, I was
the blackmailer. I took my revenge.

I made him marry my sister
and he tortured me!

That's not true, I treated him well!
He always lived on my shoulders!

The money I was passing to him was no
longer enough and he blackmailed me.

- Let's call it a joke!
- Ah, he calls it a "joke"!

Here is the evidence! But I'm not
stupid, I put fake tickets!

- Fake tickets? How did you get them
? - It's been a long time.

- I want to know where it comes from!
- I do not remember. - Can't you answer?

- "With a pigeon we took
two beans"! - Handcuffs? - Yup!

A blackmailer and a drug dealer!

A patrol has spotted his
car in the Flaminio district!

My car? Here we go!

- Here we can no longer go on.
- Is it a forbidden sense?

- To satisfy you, I risk being
thrown out of the gang. - Because?

If it had been a watch,
an iron, a bicycle ...

- But returning a car is
a shame. - You don't have to regret it.

Every act of generosity
always has its reward.

Let's hope. Between petrol and battery
"I have already thrown five sacks".

The reward I mean ...

..is what you will have one day,
when you will not be there anymore.

So to get this money back
I have to wait to die!

You are far from purification!

- For Via della Purificazione there are
only prohibited senses. - You do not understand me.

- Who gives me the five "sacks"?
- Do you want me to give them to you?

- Should I ask the Commissioner?
That son ... - Pecorino!

- You'll see, the inspector will give you ...
- Six months, I'm also a repeat offender.

- Why are you stopping?
- Yes, you deliver the car.

When you are in my company
you must not be afraid.

Even if I go with you
to the police station, ...

..I get cold sweats
and a headache.

- I don't like going there too.
- You see?

- Here, these are the 5,000 lire
you spent. - Thanks!

- Make sure you take the right path.
- I'll try the right way. - Good boy.

- But with all this traffic ...
- But go to that country!

Are you sure the car
was spotted in this area?

The patrol said
it was headed for Corso Francia.

We've been shooting for 10 minutes
and you can't see anything!

Damn, how it runs if one pushes!

What a recovery! Other than the ambulance
I brought in wartime!

- Here she is! - Yes it's her!
Behind is the Pinocchietto!

Accelerate! I have to teach
this thug a lesson !

Ouch, what a blow!

I had to imagine it was her!

- I feel like I know you.
- I'm Commissioner Sarracino!

- Very handsome!
- In service!

- How do you justify using
my car? - I was going ...

- Where he went I don't care!
- Yes indeed. I was going to the police station.

- Good boy!
- To your police station.

- Then he had to go this
way! - You can't go there anymore.

- Since yesterday the direction is prohibited. - But
I found her red-handed!

Don't tell me you found this
at the foot of the confessional!

- In a way ...
- I don't hear any stories, do you understand?

If you don't want to be indicted
for aiding and abetting, ...

.. come to the police station and tell me the
names of the accomplices, male and female!

- Ouch! - Feeling bad, huh?
- Of course, the "clash"!

- Come on, get on the "panther"!
- The "panther" is broken.

- Then get in my car.
- Won't you lead her?

- The car is mine!
- What do I look like, I'm a man!

- What am I? - In service he
becomes an indefinable being.

- How do you mean?!
- Get in there. - But look a bit!

There's no point in insisting,
I can't tell him the name.

Also because I don't know him.
After all, the machine got it back.

Not enough,
I want to have the thief too!

The thief does not exist,
there is only a repentant.

You made us return the car!
Now we have to make up for it!

No, you do the mugging!

Did Don Amilcare give you
one of his little speeches?

- And you took the bait! - That's right,
I'll start working tomorrow.

Hey, there's a car.

- What happens to her now?
- She has stopped.

It's the fault of his proteges!
They ruined it for me!

- Go see what kind of couple it is.
- We wait here.

It's the last time,
I'll start working tomorrow.

I see everything going around, "my view is dazzled
". Take me to a doctor.

(Don Amilcare) Do we want to end up
on the news?

Let's go to the parish
and see what can be done.

If someone comes, what do we say?
What are we studying the catechism?

- Did you understand?! - Who is there?
- Don Amilcare in full "pomicio"!

- Are you sure? - On the car
we returned!

- Curse!
- It's the end of the world!

- Hurry up.
- It was engulfed. - The "sgolfi".

(Don Amilcare) I also lost
5000 lire. Let's go to my doctor.

(Sarracino) Yes, my savior.

- Did you call him Salvatore? - Maybe
when he goes with the women he changes his name.

They even make us
the "economic council"!

- Crazy stuff! - What a mess!
- Let's go steal! - Yes we go!