Toto in Color (1952) - full transcript

A musician, Antonio Scannagatti (Totò), hopes to sell his composition , ''Epopea italiana'', to Tiscordi one of the most important Italian impresarios.

This is one of them good old villages,
like many others here in the south.

This is the house where I live
ever since I got married.

This is Cristina, the servant.

She flings windows right open:
it's 7 AM and she's got to clean.

All in all, our household
is pretty well set-up.

And this is my wife.

Still asleep, the little thing.
It's no use to wake up at 7,

like chicken do,
or the people in Milan.

And this is me, sleeping,
because my job starts at 9.

It is a nice and safe place,
the wages are sufficient.

I was saying, life is good,
can't say my wife if bothersome.

I could say I am a happy man,
if it just weren't..

If it weren't..

That reckless man,
he's racked my nerves!

Same time every morning,
he and his awful screeching.


- Did you call?
- No, I didn't.

- Here's your coffee.
- Oh. The coffee.

- Come on!
- Come on what?

Why are you so noisy!? When you're
around, one can't ever sleep. Ever!

So it's my fault now! What about your
brother, the furious madman?

Oh no, not him! Because he's
a grand genius. He is a composer.

Yes, composing.
Don't be so nervous!

You know, he seeks inspiration
in the morning, with a clear head.

- Can't you do like me?
- Like you?

I put some cotton wool in my ears.

Did you hear that?
He's found inspiration already!

Oh, did he?
The bastard!

Kill! I'm going to kill him!

Open up, damn it!

Do, Do, Do, Si..

Sol, Fa, Mi..

Will you stop it,
you demented autharchist!

- Stop it! It's either you, or me.
- It's a La, not a Mi.

- Stop it!
- Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, Do, Do!

I like this, let's try it
on the 4th chord.

Either you or Mi La Do.

Come in!

- Good day, Mr. Antonio.
- Mister Antonio!

Maestro, how many times
do I have to tell you?

- Good day, Mr. Maestro How Many Times.
- Oh, gosh, what is this?

Maestro, Maestro and nothing else!
I am a Mister, but a Maestro foremostly!

Mister and Maestro
are not the same.

After all, you're the sole person
in this house who understands me,

only you appreciate my artistic talent,
my musical genius.

- And you will keep appreciating, right?
- Yes, yes of course.

Well, otherwise I'd see myself compelled
to fire you, and I would mind.

If you, on the other hand,
keep up the appreciation..

Know what? I, too,
do appreciate you. Very much!

Dare I say.. come here.

Why shan't we,
one night or another,

try to.. appreciate one another?

You and me.

I'm astonished! And you claim you're
the artist, the spiritual one!

You're right, I'm sorry! I let my flesh,
my instincts carry me away.

This cursed flesh!

How could I, I'll gouge myself an eye.
Uh, stop right there.

I have to think of the opus,
not of mere trifles!

- By the way, did I get any letters?
- No.

- Not even from Milan?
- No.

- From Tiscordi, the publisher?
- No.

- And Zozzogno?
- Who!?

Who? Zozzogno and Tiscordi, publishers
in Milan. Don't you know them?

- I don't.
- Weird.

It all seems weird..
and I wonder why.

Yes, I understand!

Perhaps they will want to come in person.
Oh, yes, in person!

Then I must hurry up
and finish the second part.

Weird, what I sent them
was nearly complete.

Let us hurry! Yes, because any
minute now, they might knock at my door,

"Who's there?" "Tiscordi, the publisher"
or "Zozzogno, the publisher"

"The Maestro is here."
and I: "Please, have a seat!".

Here, this is my work.
My masterpiece.

I found a name for it already.

It will be called "The Italic Saga".

This here is the third act, when
Columbus has Helen of Troy kidnapped.

Helen's mother enters the scene and..
Well, never mind.

What I need is inspiration..
My sweet, worthy maid,

open the window, nature's themes
are the always best inspiration.

Let me be inspired.
I want to eavesdrop nature.

Yes, yes!

Here it comes!

Do, Si diesis,

Re, Fa, quaver,
semiquaver, demisemiquaver..

and a damn in clef!

Demisemiquaver it is. A Si.
Si demisemiquaver.

Demisemiquaver Si.

How can one compose in this house!
A hydraulic hygienic downpour!

One cannot create! All you hear is
swearing, boiling pots,

a cow giving birth! What
sort of inspiration is that!?

Well, go and hang yourselves!

They rang! Rang the bell!
This has got to be the publishers.

- Maestro, calm down!
- Must be either Tiscordi, or Zozzogno!

That's enough! Your brother's
been torturing our ears since 5 AM.

- I'm sorry.
- Being sorry won't fix it!

It's either of them! I want them
to find me looking all artsy.

- Oh? You're done now, or what?
- Manners! And keep your hands off.

- My grandmother has lithiasis!
- Well, congrats! My uncle's got gout.

I've also got a friend with colecistitis.

Enough! He's even making fun of us.
He's making fun of us!

My grandfather is ill, we all are!
You wrung my nerves!

Yeah? Hell, he's reduced me
to a matchstick!

- Do we have to murder you, or what!?
- Miserable simpletons!

Is this how you reward a man who wastes
his health over books, night and day,

for a piece that shall grant prestige
to this negligible village of yours?

Did you forget who I am?
Did you forget who am I?

I am a genius!
Yes, I am!

And there will be a day when,
on this very house, a plaque shall say:

"In this house, Antonio Scannagatti,
the Swan of Caianiello", Caianiello I say,

"in this house, welcomed guest,
he composed his grandiose work."

- Wha' is it den?
- Dan?

Wha' is it den?

- Who's Dan?
- Where is it!? The "welcomed guest".

- It's me.
- You? I feed you and..

- Know what you are?
- Watch your mouth.

I'm watching my mouth.
You're a scrounger, a leech!

My dear Swan, guess how
this is going to end up?

- A bloody mess!
- A mess?

- Because I'll get my gun, and shoot!
- Ha! You make me laugh, you Sicilian!

Did you hear him!?

No, he's right! Either you drop
the cello, or you leave!

- He's right!
- Hear ye? I'm right!

- Not you! Him!
- Yes, not him. Me!

Enough is enough, we're fed up!
We lost our peace of mind!

See? Because of you, first we lost
the war, and now we lost the peace!

Don't touch me, I'll call the police!

Dare menace me,
violin in hand?

Well! Very well! I'll leave,
and never set foot again in here.

I'd like to know though,
what will the plaque on the house say?

I know!
"No thoroughfare for artists".

or: "Fresh vegetables! Artichokes..

broccoli and cabbageheads!"

- I'll kill him!
- Leave it, you buffoon!

I'll never set my foot again
in this damned house.

I will never come back,
not even if they were to kill me!

- Thank god.
- At last!

- Oh, and I'll be back for lunch.
- He's back at 1?

Five past one, I will undertake
the violin cure. On his head!

Undulatory AND sussultatory!

- Calm down!
- I'll kill him!

- Good morning Mr. Antonio.
- Maestro, if you will.

Scannagatti scrapes and scrapes,
plays trombone, gives the shakes

plays trombone, gives the shakes

- Scannagatti scrapes and scrapes!
- Scoundrels!

Hey! Where'd all this stuff come from?

You know, so many notes in here.

How many times do I have to tell you,
a good musician can tell notes,

I mean between true notes, and those..
deposited by horse-flies.

We are, after all, in a cowshed.
And besides..

the finale is not like that.
It's like this:

Mi, Re, Do, Mi, Re, Do,
Mi, Re, Do, Fa. Got it?

Mi, Re, Do, Mi, Re, Do,
Mi, Re, Do, Fa.

That's a nicer ending, isn't it?

You! How dare you?
How could you?

I have the right to do so! Both as
musician, and citizen of the Republic.

- What does that have to do with it?
- Well, you call that conducting?

- That which you play, is it music?
- You ask me if it is music?

- You tiny, insignificant man!
- Watch your mouth!

You don't even know this is Rossini.

Rossini! You make me laugh.

- Fool! It WAS Rossini.
- Of course, he's dead.

And you made him die
for the second time!

- You.. you..
- Quit mumbling. Could you?

Yes I can! I can understand your envy,
you failed musician!

- Somebody hold me!
- Yes, hold this crazed person!

You're only acting up because
I always refused to play your music.

My music? You're not worthy!
I'll show you!

There goes that useless sort.
Squabbling with the bandmaster.

Fend for yourself!

Enough! Tiburzio,
the Mayor wants to see you.

The Mayor!
The Mayor wants to see me!

- Must be April's fool.
- Yeah, whatever. We'll see.

- Who's that?
- Scannagatti.

Oh, the madman!

Run, you blasted ignorant!

Lackey! Sycophant!

If the Mayor's calling you,
it's because you're getting fired!

- No, tomorrow..
- Tomorrow, he'll fire you!

No, tomorrow he has to conduct
the town band in the square.

- Who shall save me from this horror?
- An important person is coming.

It's Joe Pellecchia, the Italo-American
millionaire that was born here.

- He'll bring stuff, and cash.
- Oh, the obscenity!

Celebrating a foreign import glory,

whilst the local genius rots
into oblivion. Disgusting!

My dear Professor, I am honoured to
bring you news, very good news for you.

- You may conduct the band in the square.
- I, the band? My dream, at last!

My dream! You have my gratitude, Mayor,

and I promise I won't disappoint.

Oh my!

- My arm!
- What?

- I can't move it!
- Maestro!

What happened?

It looks like a paralysis.
Lay him on the sofa.

Maestro, what do you feel?

- My amm!
- What?

- I an't ondut!
- What is he saying?

I will conduct no more!

- Gosh, his arm is paralyzed.
- Heavens! What now?

Who's going to direct the band
when Joe Pellecchia gets here?

Illness strikes Maestro Tiburzio.
Who will take his place?

Mr. Antonio Scannagatti.

Maestro if you will, young man.

My dear Maestro, please, have a seat.

I am sorry to bother you at this time
of the day, but it is an urgent matter.

Well, well.


You already do know town councillor
Rossetti, and councillor Berrini.

- Easy, easy.
- And this is my nephew.

Did they trip over?

Hello! I am Leopoldo,
Poldo for the acquainted.

This is my American fianc?e,
Poppy Winnipeg.


- What'd she say?
- "Cereals".


Did you call me here to
introduce me to these two morons?

No, Maestro, I called you here to talk
about something extremely serious.

No, no, they interest me.

I am a psychologist. In addition
to being an artist, a great musician!

Pardon me..

You know, he's absolutely
the seaside kind of guy.

- Why don't we bring him along to Capri?
- Enormous idea!

Come to Capri with us, Maestro!
You can see the stacks from our villa.

Well, your villa is not the only place
where you can see.. the stacks.

Actually, it's about something else.

- Sorry, Maestro, may I..?
- May I also?

- I wished to speak to the lady.
- But, you see, it's private property.

- You know, ever since the war ended..
- I understand.

Well, Maestro, you probably have heard
your colleague's misfortune.

Don't mention it!

A real pity indeed.

Poor Chopin. Dead.

- Chopin?
- Chopin.

No, Maestro Tiburzio.

The poor fella, he'll need
at least a month.

What, Tiburzi a colleague?
Did you call me here to insult me!?

- No!
- You can't compare someone like that!

Please do not misunderstand.

If you would be so kind to replace..



Pardon me, are you an idiot?

You, Mayor, are an idiot!

- But he's the Mayor!
- Well, an idiot Mayor!

And you, you! You just stand there.
Wearing a tie, to top it off.

The Mayor insulted me.
Me, a musical genius! Get it?

He's inviting me to conduct
this miserable village band.

Young men, let's face it.

Are you kidding me?
How dare you?

While you're at it, why not invite
Wagner, or Thchaikovsky?

You're taking advantage
because two people ruined me,

or I wouldn't even be here!
Two people did.

Toscanini and Carlo Erba. It's their
fault if I am not in Milan, at La Scala.

And if I were to,
in the name of liberal democracy,

if I were to conduct this band,
in the name of democracy,

this awful lot you call a band,

well, tell me then, Mayor, who is going
to play the trombone, Giuseppe Verdi?

And the drums, perhaps
Gaetano will carry them?

- Gaetano?
- Donizetti!

Please! Watch it, before you offend a..

A.. a..

- Where are you going? It's still early.
- It is 6. The post should be in.

- Zozzogno or Tiscordi, either one.
- Are you waiting for a letter?

Every day,
for the past 15 years,

unfailingly, I have sent them both
a copy of my work.

- Did they answer?
- On my honour, never!

That doesn't mean a thing, though.
I will wait.

Cattus impatientius
blindum kittenes borne.

Audax fortuna iuvat.

- Just a second, Maestro!
- What?

What a coincidence, isn't it, Poppy?

The lady here is
Mr. Tiscordi's secretary.

Oh, is she?

- Tiscordi?
- Tiscordi, Tiscordi..

She can certainly obtain you
an enormous recommendation.

So you would be Tiscordi's secretary?
Very interesting.

Which means you are well acquainted
with your employer?

- Did you understand?
- Nothing.

I be Tiscordi's best friend.

- They're like buddies.
- I see, I see.

Listen, since you're so well acquainted
with Mr. Tiscordi,

wouldn't you do me a favour?

Would you mind bringing my opera
to your employer's attention?

Gladly. When I goes to Milan.

I talk Tiscordi.

- Tiscordi listens.
- Almost buddies!

Muchas gracias, miss.

I very gratefull.

I have oral commitment
towards you

a choral commitment..

and you get grosse sofa
for my premiere.

Pais?! Pais?! Miss..

Stop once in a while!

Wait a second, would you? Courtesy
should be repaid in its own coin.

Poppy will help you out, if you conduct
the band to honour Joe Pellecchia.

All right. Conduct the band..

Well then, a dilemma is posited to me.
Oh yes, it is.

- Oh, come on! It's just for tomorrow.
- Do you accept?

- Yes.. and no.
- Oh, just accept!

For somebody like you, it'll be
like child's play. Pretty please?

- Well?
- I waver in indecision.

- Come on, Maestro!
- Let me waver.

If someone's wavering,
he might snap, and then,

then tomorrow it's my fault,
and I don't like it.

- I waver'd.
- Then?

- I accept.
- Very well!

- Just a second.
- What?

Still had a bit of waver left
here in my head.

Well then Maestro, play us something
nice, playful, no American tunes,

because Joe Pellecchia doesn't like
to be reminded of America,

where he got rich.. you get it, right?
By being a bit of a gangster.

If he's angered, he can be dangerous.

Leave it to me.

I will conduct my most beautiful piece,
entitled "The stuffed seal".

The populace of Caianiello is proud
to have a Maestro conducting the band.

- This is all thanks to my nephew.
- What about your nephew?

He made up that his fianc?e
is Tiscordi's secretary.

Here comes Joe!


Welcome, citizen!

This is my paese,
God damn it!

- Get everyone a gift.
- Citizen, come with me on the balcony!

- Sure. Dollars to everybody!
- Music!

- Speech.
- Very well.

I do speech.
You make stop music.

Scannagatti! Scannagatti!!

About time! Fellow villagers..

I am your fratello Joe..

- You mock me?
- No, no!

- My paese mock me!?
- No, no!

You'll see at home!

Take all the gifts back!
All of them!


You scoundrel!
Stop it!

- I'll have him commit seppuku!
- Mayor!

Women, you're a real women

this eyes that you made cry,
I can no longar wondar..

Gardeners, farmers, porters,
labourers, sharecroppers,

peasant's abandoned children,

- Seay.
- Sorry?


- Excusez moi, vous parlez fran?ais?
- No.

- Speak English?
- No.

- Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
- Neither.

Espa?ol? Russian?

Russian? I speak Itelian!

You speak Italian? Well,
by grace, speak Italian then!

- I was seaying, seay!
- You seay?

Oh, you meant say.
I guessed.

- Here I am.
- What's with all de bauld?


Could you repeat?

- What's with all de bauld?
- No bald people with me, I'm alone.

- You know, bauldness.
- Oh, boldness!

You said bauldness!!
Who's bald, not me!

- Is this the Mayor's villa?
- Yes.

This is the greenhouse,
that the villa.

I'd like to speak to the Mayor
himself, in person.

- With the Mayer?
- No. With the Mayor.

- With the Mayer!
- No, I want the Mayor!

- The Mayer!!
- Don't get mad, peasant! Understood?

Remember that you are a guest,
here in Italy!

I am Itelian,
doan try to be funnay!

Lay me alone,
I have to cleave de jasmeen,

- and de orked..
- Yes, the orks and the fairies.

- It's orchid!
- Anyway, de Mayer is not in.

He isn't?
And where did he go?

After wat appened yesterday,
'e's been ospitalezed.

Ospetalized? Hospitalized.
Yesterday, what happened?

- Oh, I see. That cinch.
- Cinch? It wus de end of the warld!

Don't overdo it, it was nothing,
they exaggerated.

Well then, let me speak with the nephew,
or with that lady, Mrs. Poppy. Poppy.

- The Amerecan?
- Yes.

- They left.
- How is that possible?

She was supposed to phone
to Milan, to Tiscordi on my behalf.

- Did they both leave?
- Boat leave? No, by taxi.

No, not the taxi! Did they both leave,
I meant the two of them.

They must've gone by foot.

- And where did they go?
- To crap.


- Crap!
- Crap on you and your ancestors!

You foul beast! How dare you, boor?

I am a gentleman, a musician, a genius!

- Julius or Nicholas, I don gie a damn.
- A genius, not Julius!

I sead they lef for the Islan of Crap.

Oh.. Capri, the island!

- I want to cut that tongue of yours!
- Lay aff!

They went to Capri, but I could
catch up with them, oh I could.

Who is going to stop me? Nobody!
The time?

- Oh yes, it's bits past bobs.
- Minus a quarter.

- I'm going.
- Wha ya 'eadin?

Where?! I'm going to Crap, or
Capri, the mermaids' island!

Marina piccola, Marina Grande,
the Unghia Marina!

You cod!

Yes? Maria Giorgia, so good to hear you!

Sweetie beanie, where were you hiding?
Balearic islands?

Oh, weally, and how are
the savages, are they nice?

Yes? Oh, cuuuute.

Listen delicious, why don't you take the
long way round and drop by?

What, are you tired?

I'll have a nice hot bath ready for you.
Finnish shower included, of course.

Our big bad boys here will handle
the birch bough whipping. Are you in?

Yes! Excellent, you delicious.

Yes, joy.

Yeah, I'm in the same old
fatherly dwelling as usual.

It's a quiet, run of the mill thing.
Nothing of the unusual sort.

Patrizia's here.
She's a rather swish girl,

you know, she's not noble,
but she's got a Scottish dog.

Oh and looky, there goes Poppy
trying to keep her malleoli in shape.

She's ultra-engaged with the Poldo,
who's busy pestering another girl.

Well I say, she's having
a jolly good time!

Oh, and by the by,
we've got this French duder!

They sent him in from Cap d'Antibes,
he's totally, like, Napoleon-style.

He's such a simple chap, he dresses
in the most indisturbing fashion.

I feel like somebody's about to play
a trick on me. Oh, you meanie!

Yes, my patapouf,
I'll put him through.

- Here, say hello to Maria Giorgia.
- Moo.

The air here is really good.

Yeah, you keep making plans,
but what you don't really know

is that Giulia Sofia is about
to throw us all out.

- No!
- Yes, yes she is.

The only thing holding that paranoid
woman here, is her love for Toffy.

You weally, weally, weally hadn't to!

- There. See?
- Not the cow on the telephone!

Oh, come on, you go wild when I
do the farm repertory on the phone.

But it's different, this is Maria
Giorgia! You know they're cheese-makers.

His father might be offended.

Besides I'm absolutely knackered.
I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving!

What, no! You're leaving?!

- 'cause of you, I always end up alone!
- Oh bother, I even left you Priscilla!

Priscilla! Priscilla is a motorboat.

Oh, Giulia Sofia,
it really cannot be!

Oh, I have decided.
I'm tired of saltwater and Faraglioni,

I want Dolomiti,
alpine men, and grappa.

What's this new idea of yours?

We must absolutely find Giulia Sofia
a new boyfriend, pronto.

A man for whom she can fall instantly,
a coup de foudre!

Enormous idea!
That'll grant our stay here.

But how? She's been with everybody on
the island! Kiki, Foffo, Pimpi, Dado..

Oh, we're ought to
find another man, let's go.

But where?

- Oh! How are you, Miss?
- What did you come here for?

What for? Did you forget? My opera
needs recommending to Tiscordi!

Oh right.. but we have to leave now.

And you, who dressed you up like this?
Is it carnival already?

Look at him, he's even got the bell!
I pull, he'll ring.

..wait, stop it!

I have to go now.

Believe me, the more I look at you,
the more I die of laughter.

All dressed up like that.
You even got the deathly skull!

My dear, don't you think he's just
perfect for our case?

Him? With the face he's got?

So, we're leaving for the mountain now,
get the baby ready.

Wrap him up properly, because it's cold
there and he's rather susceptible.

Coochy coo, you and mommy are leaving,
you'll find many friends and have funloads!

Please be quick about it,
I want to leave right away.

Boys, I'm enormously ready, get up on
your feet, we're jumping ship.

- No, I'm sorry, I'm decided. I leave.
- No!

Giulia Sofia, folks, listen,
a sensational nouvel arrivage!

Just landed here at Marina Piccola with
his international double engine yatch

please meet my friend:

- Cereals!
- Pupetto Montmartre des Champs-?lys?es.


Remember my advice:
international gait,

innate weariness,
and "F" instead of "R".

Of course, "R" instead of "F".

- My dear, which lady requires charming?
- The brunette over there.

- That one?
- Yes.

One is as good as another to me!

- Listen.. I'm going.
- Go.

No, wait a second!
It's not the maid to be laid!

Silly! The maid may be laid, sometimes.
And if I may, the maid..

- No. Come, don't play the nooh-nah.
- You are so cruel.

Let me introduce you.

Hello, blond guy.


- Manners!
- Watch it, Bubi will bite you. Go Bubi!


He got all scaredy!

Silly, it's fake!

Oh, you're incurable! Don't you find him
tempestuously adorable, Giulia Sofia?

Say it my dear!

- You really are enormous!
- Isn't he?

Yes he is!

Formidably cute!

He's the most enormous guy of all
the enormous people I've ever met!

- Oh, weally?
- Weally!

- Are you one of us?
- Yes.

He's one of us, boys!

- Follow me, you beanie boo!
- What a cutie.

- Say, how where you born?
- How was I born?

- Yes.
- Like all the rest.

Oh, he means that he's of gentle birth,
born out of a great Brazilian family.

- Yeah, 14 children in all!
- So amusing!

He's joking! He means his
family owns a lot of fazendas.

- Fazendas?
- Yes.

Yep, everybody there's got tons of
agendas. I got mine, you got yours.

- Did you arrive from Copacabana?
- What? - Copacabana.

- Copacabana? No, Caianiello.
- And where's that?

- Between Teano and Frosinone.
- No!

- No, it's Cayenna hello!
- Oh, the criminal harbour. So funny!

- Criminal harbour!?
- As a tourist, you know.

- I'd like something to chew on.
- Oh, poor thing. He's hungry!

Tuck in.

- Tuck in? You want a shirt?
- No, I want to eat.

Let's go get a couple vitamins
for the little cutie pie.

What? What's this?

Folks, I have decided. I'm staying.
That guy is soo lovable.

- What are the vitamins for?
- For lunch. Eating is not classy, here.

It's not classy here! You don't eat?
You skip? I'm skipping too.

- Leave? And where to?
- To observe the servant's whereabouts.

- Where is she, by the way?
- This place is too refined for you.

- Why'd you bring me here, then?
- We may need you, and you us.

- May I need the maid?
- ..what's that got to do with it?

The maid is atomical,
the maid is effervescent!

Look, the maid is more advisable.
I tell you.

Here's the coffee.

Haha, what's that? Girardengo?

It's the bar-mobile, you know!

- One coffee for our duder. You like it?
- A lot.

- He's as mad as a kid.
- Cereals!

- Who made this coffee?
- I did, why? Is it not good?

This is sludge!

- What does that mean?
- Well, not really sludge. Just awful.

So funny! My dear, you have been
to a lot of places and know a lot,

tell me what you like,
it must be something interesting.

- You want to know.. my tastes?
- Yes. What do you like?

- Please, let us know!
- I cannot tell.

Please, enlighten us!

- What I like?
- Yes.

- Never mind, really.
- No, no! You must absolutely tell us.

- You really do want to know?
- Yes, yes and yes.

- Should I?
- Say it.

- I like the maid.
- What a funny guy!

Enough! I like the maid, and that's it.
The maid is what I like.

- You're intolerable!
- Come on.

- Help! Gosh, that's scary.
- Were you scared?

- Yes.
- And what did scare you?

Well, you can see it as well..

- This picture?
- Of course.

- But this is a Picass?.
- What's that?

- C'est une imitation de Picass?.
- This thing?

- Une imitation de Picass?.
- Oui.

- Picass?.
- Picass?.

- This one here?
- Mais naturellement.

- Picass?. And who painted it?
- I did.

- Mais non.
- Oui, moi.

- You did, really?
- Oui. Moi.

- Reallyment?
- Vraiment, voulez dire.

Same thing.. Reallyment,
you made it?

- Word of honour?
- Yes.

Let me shake your hand.

- Did you, really?
- Certainly.

Bravo! Erudition
has to be rewarded.

Everybody, to me! A chair
and a hankie, please. Come here.

- So you made it.
- Yes.

Gimme the chair.
Come. Sit here.

The hankie, please.

You know, I'm generous,
I enjoy rewarding talent.

With your wee hands,
like this, hold his head tight.

Tight, tight!

And with your wee hand,
cover this eye.

- Can you see from this eye?
- No.

And you, would you be so kind
to hold this eye open?

- Stand still. Can you see this?
- Yes.

You can see it well?
Then keep staring.

So funny! What was that?

- Marvellous.
- Fantastic.

What an obscenity!

What a guy! He's really knowledgeable.

- Well, in all modesty..
- So cute.

- Bubi, bite! He was scared!
- He really was.

- Listen baby, are you into music?
- Am I? I am a Maestro!

- In Caianiello..
- He's a master of music.

Then we must absolutely have him
listen to Cab Calloway's latest.

- Yes!
- Who?

Cab Calloway!

- Cab Calloway? Who's that?
- Yeah!!

Everybody, here!

I can't take it anymore!

I can't take it anymore!

I'm so sad!



- Hey! It's time to put an end to this.
- What?

This farce, this buffoonery!
You said we'd call Tiscordi.

- Yes, but take it easy!
- Take it easy my foot!

- That girl there, what's her name?
- Giulia Sofia.

She fell in love. This is going
to be trouble, I'm clearing off.

- Oh, nothing's going to happen!
- Don't try it!

Else I will tell Sofia what I think
of her, and what I think of the maid.

- No, not this. Please don't.
- Then we have to call.

- Let's go.
- We're calling Tiscordi, in Milan.

Oh, Ok. I take care
of communication.

Hallo? Hallo!

Does it take long
to get on the line?

No, just a few seconds.
The Quisisana will get us through.

- What's that, a clinic?
- No, a world-famous hotel in Capri.

- Holy!
- We'll soon be in touch with the world.

- Hello?
- Hello, Quisi Santa?

It's Quisisana!

- Hello, Miss?
- Hello?

Hello, Quisisana. You want Milan?
Here's Milan.

- Hello, Milan?
- Milan already? Oh, the progress!

Not like in Caianiello..

Hello, exchange? Miss, can you get me
Milan? Hello, exchange?

Am I speaking to Mr. Tiscordi in person?
My pleasure Mr. Tiscordi, remember me?

Yes I'm Poldino di Roccarasata,
remember me? We met in Cortina.

How are your children?
Are they well? Very well!

I wanted to introduce you to
a friend that is here with me.

Sure I'll introduce him.

Goodbye. Thanks.

Mr., I am Roccarasata's friend!
He forgot to tell you. Many thanks!

You forgot to tell him.

No need to, he said he'd be very happy
to hear your opera as soon as possible!

- When is the performance?
- When? Let's ask!

The performance? Tomorrow at La Scala?
Great, book the seats, goodbye.

I forgot, what time?

Five and a half? Thanks!
Is your Miss well? Great!

I too was in Court with Tina,
but got away with it.

Take care! Goodbye.

- Ah, all thanks to progress!
- This is unheard of, in Caianiello.

Well then! We did our part,
now it's your turn.

You will have to spend
the night here with Giulia Sofia.

Are you out of your mind?
I'll have Bubi bite you!

- What about the agreement!?
- The agreement!

Tonight I'll be on a train to Milan,
I'll be heading towards glory!

Heading towards glory,
tonight in Milan!

Goodbye. You can have a moustache.
I'm keeping the other one.


Beg your pardon, Miss.

Your Honour, this is your cabin.
Yours is the bunk below, no. 5.

Thanks. Wasn't it possible
to find a single, though?

Impossible, it is Saturday
and the train is very crowded.

- Had you booked earlier, it..
- No, it was a change of plans,

a strike in Milan and
I'm giving a speech.

Sleeping with strangers
is something I really don't like.

Please, your luggage.

By the way, my secretary will be
bringing some more, mind taking them?

Of course, as soon as they are here.

- Do you know who booked?
- No Sir, a passenger I do not know.

- It's been booked since yesterday.
- I hope he's a quiet person, at least.

Machinist, stoker, railwaymen!

- Porters! Labourers, and alike!
- Hey, hey, young man!

- Manners! This isn't the street market.
- I concur.

- Who are you?
- Don't you recognize me!?

- Not at all.
- I am a passenger! In civilian clothes.

All right, but this is not your car.
Third class is over there.

Who says it isn't?
I've got a ticket for this car.

- A billet for this car?
- I've got a ticket, but no ballet.

- Do you have the billet or not?
- I don't want to see the ballet.

- Then show me the billet!
- I want my cabin, not a ballet!

- That colonel in uniform down there..
- Who, the stationmaster?

I don't care about his name,
he told me this was my car.

- You have the billet then!
- Persevering, aren't you?

- How badly you want to see a ballet?
- You do not understand.

- Don't raise your voice!
- I'm not. You don't raise your voice.

- You don't know who you're talking to!
- Tell me then!

Behind these appearances
shines a musical genius.

A free citizen! I profess a theory!
I liberate the people!

- I might even be a conscript!
- Please calm down, Mr.

- You see, Mr. stoker..
- Stoker!? Pay respect!

Beg your pardon, I believe
the inspector is right.

He said "billet".
It's French for ticket.

That's what I was telling him,
but it doesn't seem to sift through.

What? That's exactly what I was
saying. Anyway, ticket please.

And the ticket is exactly
what I was showing you!

Bed no. 6.
The cabin is this one.

- Make yourself comfortable.
- With that guy over there?

He's your fellow traveller.
Do you mind!?

- Is it safe?
- From what?

Will the Red Army save us?

- May I?
- Go ahead.

- Do you get off here?
- We just left!

- Then let me through.
- Do so..

What a nasty mug.

Unpromising start.

Who have I run into? Must be a thief.

Is he talking to me?

He's a thief. For sure.
I've got a sharp eye.

Pity, because my wallet
is full of Swiss Francs.

Talking to himself?

He must be half crazy.

I'll send you to jail..

.. to jail, I will!

The typical train "rat".

Don't steal my luggage!
Don't even try!

- Are you kidding me?!
- I've been warned.

You turn around a sec and something
is gone. And I've got my Francs.

Worse than this..
we'd better introduce ourselves.

- Do you mind?
- What? Stop!

- I'll stop the train!
- Have you gone mad? What are you doing?

- I said, "do you mind?".
- What?

- If I could introduce myself.
- Introduce to whom?

- To you. Two of us in here.
- Oh, that "pleased to meet you" thing..

- Pleased to meet you.
- Many thanks.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.

Then, if I may,
I am Cosimo Trumpet, MP.

it sounds familiar.

- You must've read it on the papers.
- I met your father, too.

I'm not surprised. My father
is a very well known man.

Yep. Who in the world
doesn't know your father Trombone!

Oh, you must be mistaken.
You said Trombone.

My name is Trumpet, therefore
also my father must be a Trumpet.

- Well, you know.. Sometimes!
- No, no. Trumpet father and son.

- Regardless.
- Instead, my sister..

- Your sister Trombone.
- My sister Trombone.

- No, wait. Not Trombone.
- Yes, she is. Trombone.

- No she doesn't, she..
- I can assure you, she does.

- What do you know of..
- I do know. I am a worldly-wise man.

Three years military service in Cuneo.
That would suffice!

- My sister's never been to Cuneo!
- Doesn't matter, Trombone nonetheless!

- I tell you!
- You know my sister better than I?

- I guarantee it is Trumpet.
- Trumpet then? All right.

- Or, actually, she was Trumpet.
- Oh! There we go, you fell for it.

It's like I say.
She is Trombone.

Please don't touch me,
I cannot stand it.

- Three years in Cuneo..
- She was Trumpet while nubile..

Now that she's married to Mr. Mouth,
she's Trumpet-in-Mouth.

- Well, of course!
- Why of course?

- Because a trumpet goes in the mouth.
- That's not the point..

Ever seen anybody
with a trumpet elsewhere?

- She doesn't put trumpets in her mouth!
- Oh yes, she does!

- She certainly doesn't!
- Listen to me, she does!

Even in Cuneo trumpeters put
trumpets into their mouths. I tell you!

She does when you're not around!
Tara-tara, in front of the mirror!

Ring goes the door, "Who's there?"
"My brother!" "Holy!"

and she hides the trumpet,
behind her back.

Oh come on! Please try to understand!
Mouth is my brother-in-law's name.

Is something up?
Are you all right?

Should I call somebody?
What do you feel?

What's it?
Oh, god, a paralysis?

Getting there?

You can do it!

- Aborted.
- Weird cold you've got.

- Well, what is your trade?
- I asked you please not to touch me.

- I mean, what is your trade, pal?
- Pal? Pal who!?

Oh, don't worry about it.

- We met a few minutes ago!
- Oh, it don't really care!

Well, if you do not care, I do!

- I am democratic!
- This is too much intimacy!

- And I don't like being touched!
- Democracy!

- I don't like it either.
- Good. We can get along then.

- Besides, mind you, I have no trade.
- Bravo!

- Unemployed?
- Unemployed! Of course not!

- I am a freelancer.
- A free dancer?

Dancer? Freelancer!

- I get it.
- I beg you to stop it!

Actually, I used to be a freelancer,
but I was recently elected MP.

- Oh! You could've said that before!
- Keep your hands off!

- He pretends not to understand me!
- Do I have to say it in French?

- I used to be an obstetrician.
- You used to do what?

- Obstetrician.
- Oh. Well, of course.

- Of course what!?
- Being an oysterician doesn't pay much.

- What are you on about?
- Get a nice box of American cigarettes!

- I said obstetrician!
- There's money to be had.

- Sure, I'll go round with my cart even!
- Two cartons, please.

- I'm not in the mood for a joke!
- Oh, don't be like that.

I've had enough!!

- Get it?
- You get it!

Every limit has his man! Don't you know?
If you don't, get some education!

- You're way too impertinent!
- Mouth your watch!

- Don't be offensive!
- You mouth.. you watch your mouth!

- Let's set things straight.
- You won't stop touching for a minute!

- I've had enough of your sticky hands!
- Sticky hands? What?!

- You are touching me, you! YOU!
- Me!?

Alright then, I'm touching you.
But why do you retouch me?

- Retouch what?
- Yes, you touch me!

- I saw that!
- Keep your arm down.

- My arm is my own.
- Then I do this.

- You daren't do that.
- Yes I do.

I see a hole, I get in.
Want to kill me? Do it, then!

I don't know why I haven't
jettisoned you out of the window yet.

Oh, there we go again!
Sneeze already!

Why did this happen to me?

What do you want now!?

All right!
Oh, the patience!

Come on!

- Well?
- Aborted.

- You're exhausting. I've had enough.
- Oh, me too.

You're so thick you do not
understand a word I say!

- So I am the cretin here?
- Who else?

We've been talking for half an hour and
you still didn't understand who I am.

I am Cosimo Trumpet,
a Member of Parliament! Get it?!

- Who are you?
- An MP.

- Who?
- Me.

- MP, you! Please!
- This is outrageous!

- An MP!
- Yes indeed!

- It is not a laughing matter.
- MP my ..!

You're being rude now, and impolite!

Oh, there goes the sneeze again.
Not on me!

Please do me a favour,
not on me!

Damn you and your sneeze!

Yeah, right! On my hand!

Uh, what?
All right, as long as it works!

Yes, good.


- Your honour, your baggage is here.
- Oh, thanks.

- Do me a favour, help me get them in.
- How, we're constricted already.

Constricted?! Oh, just place
them where you want.

- Is that all?
- Yes, four of them.

- Here we go.
- Come on!

- Thanks. One more and that's it.
- There.

- Anymore? Is this yours?
- Yes, thanks a lot.

- You're welcome.
- Listen..

- Are they ok?
- Everything all right.

- Please, the wake up call tomorrow.
- Certainly. Anything else your Honour?

No. Many thanks.

Who's there?

Who's she?

- Mr. Trumpet, is she your wife?
- I don't know her.

- Good evening, Sirs.
- Good evening.

You must forgive me,
it was very brash on my part

to enter a cabin occupied
by two strangers.

- Yep, he's rather a stranger to me.
- But I couldn't do otherwise.

I am being chased by a man.
A dominering, violent man.

I met him by chance, during
the bathing season, in Capri.

He fell madly in love with me, he wanted
me to be his lover, at all costs!

He made it clear that if he were to find
me with anybody else, he'd kill us!

- What? Kill? Us? Oh god, what!?
- Don't interrupt, please.

- Please continue.
- I'll look if anybody's coming.

- But we just left!
- You never know.

Quiet! Let's not make
a scandal out of this.

- Keep low!
- Oh, my!

- What is it?
- Silence!

- Passed.
- What was it?

- An underpass.
- Why do I even bother!

That's enough!
We want to sleep!

- I would ask you a simple favour.
- Oh, we don't have any money.

- It's not about money!
- You know, my Swiss Francs..

I only ask you for hospitality.
Please don't throw me out.

- Of course not, Miss!
- No need to worry!

- Two of us gentlemen here.
- I know I am!

- Why, I'm not?
- Well, I don't know you.

We are hospitable enough to
be glad of your presence here.

We'll make do.

Don't worry about it,
I'll just huddle up somewhere.

Oh, we wouldn't allow that.
We'll fix you up.

Yep. We'll fix you up good!

Just a second,
we will arrange things.

- Things aren't that simple.
- I know.

- Three of us, two beds.
- Three and two makes five.

- Five!? Two beds, three of us.
- Three minus two, one!

- We've got an extra bed!
- An extra bed? An extra person!

A brilliant idea is in order.

- Well, I have something in mind.
- You do?

- Yes.
- Why didn't you say so before?

Well, I do. But some do like it,
and some do not.

I, for instance..

- do like it!
- Say it! We too might like it.

We could do this.

It's midnight. We arrive
in Milan at 10, that's 10 hours.

- We'll split the hours, five and five.
- I don't get it.

The first five hours, you would
get the bed on top.

Me and the lady will have to fit
in the bunk below.

The other five hours instead,
you would take the bunk below, while

- I and the lady get the upper one.
- Don't be ridiculous!

Did you decide on something, then?

I would say that the lady
gets the lower bed, the upper one..

- I and you would take turns.
- Of course.

If I may, I will take
the first five hours.

Right. Your five hours, do them quickly,
because I'd like to sleep.

- 5 hours are 5 hours.
- Well, here we go!

I'd like to get undressed.

Well, that is understandable.
Extremely well understandable!

- She HAS to get undressed.
- Of course.

- But if you gentlemen keep looking..
- Don't worry, I'm not looking.

- He, even if he does watch, well..
- What do you mean!?

We're not watching, Miss.

Don't worry, you can imagine..

In Cuneo, I've seen my
fair share of naked soldiers..

- What do soldiers have to do with this?
- Just saying.

Just saying!

All right, but we mustn't look.

I wanted to tell you a story.

- Once..
- Tell me.

I wanted to tell you.. Mr. Trombone!

If you don't stop..
Mr. Bassoon!

Listen, I wanted to..

What are you looking at?

Hey! What are you doing?
Got stuck?

I'm sorry Miss.

Would you do me a favour?

Please put the shoes somewhere.

Why not?
Why not..

- Done?
- Everything all right.

- Where did you put them?
- Next to the luggage.

This stair gets in the way.
Let's move it.

It still is in the way.

If I may, Miss, I will try
and get some sleep.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

- You know, tomorrow I have a speech.
- Oh?

- A strike in Milan so I'll be speaking.
- Sleep tight!

- Goodnight then.
- Goodnight.

What are you doing, are you crazy?
What did you put on your face?


Stop that thing!

He's crazy, there's no
half-measures about it.

I changed the air a bit.

Some air conditioning won't hurt.

My wallet! The Swiss Francs!

Railwaymen, travelling personnel,
machinists, stokers and alike!

To me!

I was robbed! He did it!

- That's impossible! The MP!
- The Swiss Francs! MP my ..!

- I'll shove you out of the widow!
- You do what?

- He tried with the luggage too!
- I was robbed!

- What?
- See? He's pretending!


I can't take this anymore,
I will have you fired!

- You don't know how to do your job.
- You won't get anybody fired.

- Your Honour, please calm down!
- Put him in jail!

- Please calm down!
- In jail!

In jail I wanted him to be,
and in jail he will go! Scoundrel!


Oh, that's enough!

I am sorry, but I can't do anything.
Mr. Tiscordi is extremely busy.

Please be gentle, Miss.
Did you get a thin needle?

- Don't worry about it.
- That's what all you nurses say,

and the result is that my.. back parts
are leaking like a sieve!

- You're the sixth one I try.
- I can be very delicate.

Let's try it, then, this hand.

You bloody murderer!
Just like the others!

Go away!

- An injection is an injection!
- And you are butchers!

Leave! My back
feels like a battlefield!

- How can you be so susceptible?
- Susceptible? Yes, I'm susceptible,

I'm not made of stone!

- Oh, please!
- Leave! Take your bag and just leave!

Hello, is it you, Tiscordi?
How did the injection go?

Oh, it's you.
Mighty good friend you are, Doctor.

You sent one just like the other five.
A butcher!

You want to send the seventh one?
No, I've had enough. It ends here.

Oh? It is a male nurse this time?

A male? A specialist?

All right then.
Send this specialist in.

Employees, waiters,
servants and alike! May I?

Good day. Good day Miss,
here I am.

- Easy! Who are you?
- You will see who I am!

I got off the train this morning.

But given all the fog here
in Milan, I didn't find the place.

- Well, I am expected.
- By whom?

They called on my behalf from..

They phoned in from the.. Quisisanta.

- Uh?
- Quisisanta.


Oh, I see! The Director is waiting
for you, please follow me.

He's waiting? I knew it.


Come in.

The nurse from
the Quisisana has arrived.

- Let him in.
- Yes. This way, please.

May I?
Thank you, Miss.

- Mr. Tiscordi?
- Yes, it's me.

- Did you get my phone call?
- Yes, I was waiting for you.

Oh, joy!
So my work is of your liking!

Slow down.
I have become wary.

- I trust you know your predecessors.
- More or less.

- They come in here, same pretences..
- The same old music.

That's it. You let them persuade you,
and BAM, they ruin you, in one go!

You said it! But now,
your worries are over.

Antonio Scannagatti is here!

- On your feet!
- Why?

- Please bow.
- I will bow when it is time.

Tell me though, do you believe
you've got the hand it takes?

I ?

Got the hand it takes?


Then please go ahead.

- Director.. Mine, is not a hand.
- What is it then?

It's a feather.

My grandfather, after all,
was an upholsterer.

Introductions are what matters.

Yes! It's the introduction!

Introductions are key!

Some do away with them in
a brutal manner, but not me! Not me!

No, no, no! Never!

My introductions are sweet, subtle,

very feather-like!

Director, come here!

- Come here!
- What?

Do I have the hand it takes?


- Can you see it?
- How am I supposed to?

- Did you see my brother-in-law?
- Who's that?

The man from Caianiello.
He took my Swiss Francs and ran!

He must have come
to this place.

- Did you see my brother-in-law?
- No.

- You must've hidden him in your house!
- What am I, a brother-in-law storage?

Then you did!

Where did you hide him?
He came here, didn't he?

Yes! More! More!
This great Italian temperament!

Why did my great master
Stanislavski no see you?

- Beautiful! I hug.
- Are you for real?

- Russian I am.
- Russian? - Yes.

- Oh god, he's for real!
- Stand back!

Then we'll practice.
When's the first?

If the practice goes well,
might as well do it tonight.

- Tonight?
- Yes.

This very evening? Good man!
May I? Good man.

- Where do you want to do it?
- Where? Why?

- We either do it properly, or we don't.
- Anywhere, really..

- What about a high up place?
- High up?

One of them prestigious, high places.
Why, are you afraid?

- What does prestige have to do with..?
- Don't worry, just get the top place.

I'll think of the rest!

All right. Let's get this
high up place ready then.

Antonio! Or should I say..

Nino! Ninuzzo!

They're going to play your opera
in a top theatre?

This very night!

- Good man!
- At last, you do understand who I am!

Took some time though!
Quite thick, aren't you!

I beg your forgiveness, Swan!

All right, you'll be the boe,
and you the director.

You.. you're my brother-in-law,
so you'll be Romolo's brother-in-law.



- Where'd he go?
- I'm here.

- Where?
- Here I am.


I am here. I'm ready.
What the hell is that saxhorn for?

To play the introduction.
And why are you set up like that?

I got ready! Took my trousers off,
what else!?

Oh, is that it! So that's how
you get ready to listen to my work!

Please tell me, Director,
are you Tiscordi or Tiscorni?

- Tiscordi!
- No, no you aren't!

You're Tiscorni!

Because only you
could be this corny!

And I'm rather astonished!

If there's anybody who
is astonished here, that is me!

- No use climbing up!
- I! I am!

- I am astonished!
- No, I am!

I am astonished!

I was first! You have to give way!

What are you babbling?
Get down!

- Get down!
- I'm going higher, I'm not afraid!

- Come here.
- Are you menacing me?

- Because I'm not afraid.
- No. Just astonished.

Because I demand to know what
is the use of that saxhorn!

- How am I supposed to play without?
- Play what!?

Wasn't the ladder enough,
now you want the music too!

- Explain yourself!
- No, you explain yourself!

- Because I'm rather keen of my bum!
- Why would I care about your bum!

So you'd like to give me an injection,
with those ideas of yours!?

- An injection?
- Yes!

- Are you an idiot?
- Me, an idiot!? Watch your mouth!

- You are the idiot!
- You're an idiot!

- No, you are!
- Come here!

- The ladder!
- You're an imbecile!

Go away! You rascal!


That rascal!


- Did you do the rehearsal?
- Everything all right.

Let's hurry, because we have
to be at the theatre at 9!

What? That is barely enough time
to make my direction work magic!

We're going to La Scala!

Let's go!

Help! Get him!
Where did he go!?

What's happening?

Well, what is this,
a taxi or a snail?

Get a move on!

- 'tis foggy!
- Did you hear that?

'tis foggy 'ere in Milan.

Cannae go fast.

Did ye get 'at? I'll take caur of it.

Fella, it's dangerous.
Slaw doon.

- Don't run, it's slippery.
- What are you saying?

Don't slow, hurry up!

Hey Nino.. this is not
some other surprise, is it?

That other time, when you took
the Swiss Francs, I forgave you.

Now we're going to La Scala. Tell me,
is it another con? I won't forgive you.


- Nononono!
- Well then?

I was just saying..

I mean, wouldn't you indulge a little?

Sometimes indulging is not so bad..

- Ninuccio..
- Yes?

I'd like to introduce you
to my cousin Nicolino.


Pleased to meet you!

Great actor temperament!

I'm going to take a few inches off him!

- Make a miniature brother-in-law!
- A miniature!

And when they look for me,
they will find a tiny version of me!

- Haha! Teeny weeny!
- Hey! Stop!

Wha' is La Scala then?

- It's here!
- Wha' is La Scala!? This isn't it.

Where is it, then?

All this fog in Milan!

- Where is La Scala!?
- Boys, I'm legging it.

- Where are you going?
- I have to sing the opera!

- I don't give a damn.
- But I am the director!

If that guy finds out,
he's going to kill me!

- He is from Montelepre!
- He find out what?

That we had a misunderstanding
with the producer.

Ninuzzo, also known as The Swan..

if you're making fun of me again,

I'll cut you up like a prickly pear!

- No, not the prickly pear!
- Yes, just like that!

- I'll punch a hole into you!
- Please do not, my dear.

My dear brother-in-law,
since you're in law, be lawful,

- but I have to confess.
- You are guilty, then!

No, I'm not, but I have
to tell you something.

- Speak up!
- I didn't take you to the theatre.

You didn't!
And where did you take me?

- Oh, that's awfully nice of you!

He wanted to take me to the stage,
with all the artists!

Let's go Ninuzzo!
You're marvellous!


- To arms!
- To arms!

- You will die!
- On your grave!

- Take this!
- And that!

- Vile Saracen!
- I'm not yet dead!

- You won't get out of this alive!
- Aaah!

This would be La Scala?

La Scala for puppets it is!

You fooled me!
Great Russia director!

- You cheat!
- You two as well! Accomplices!

I'll show you, both of you!


- What is going on, what happened?
- What happened!?

I.. you.. me..
you're contagious!

- Where is Scala?
- There's no La Scala.

That thing, with Tiscordi in Milan..

There you are! You can't run,
you will end up like mice in a trap!

Run for your life!


There he is! This is it.
Nicolino, strop and strike!

Come here Giovannin!
We need the puppets for the 2nd act.

Let's get the puppets ready.

So it wasn't a puppet!

It was you with a mask?!

Your time is over, scrounger!

You will be the new Turiddu!

I'll pry you open like a tangerine!

However, incredible as it is,
that crime did not take place.

Because thankfully, even misunderstood
geniuses have their own saint.

- Tiscordi, the producer,

chanced upon Scannagatti's opera,

and he was delighted by it.

"Maestro Antonio Scannagatti hailed as
the new master of dodecaphony

by the public at La Scala Theatre."


And to welcome the the triumphant man,
even Maestro Tiburzio was there,

his recent paralysis notwithstanding.



I am happy to welcome you,
famed descendant of Caianello,

on behalf of the town!

I also have the honour of announcing

that this square will no longer
bear the name of Giuseppe Verdi,

a rather outdated musician. It will
become the Antonio Scannagatti Square!

Actually my brother-in-law is
Swan! Swan of La Scala!

A government representative
will soon uncover the new plate,

meanwhile, we'd be honoured if you could
lead the ceremony with your music!

- Of course!
- Very well!

Ninuzzo! Make us proud!

We're ready, Your Honour.

I didn't yet get to see the Maestro.

I will introduce you later,
at the banquet. Let's uncover the plate.

It's him!

- It's him!!
- Him who?

- The madman on the train!
- Which train?

- On the sleeping car!
- The sleeping car!?

Let go of me!
I have to go!

Get him!
Calm down!

Your Honour!

Your Honour!

- Your Honour!
- Get him!